Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Circumcised at 6 and the Pooping Houdini

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

Ash divulges into his love of paper bags from the grocery store and why it makes him feel so masculine. Matt thought they had an intruder in the bedroom so instincts kicked in and his limbs went flying - turns out it was just Marlie making her midnight stroll into their bed. And Macey has just picked up the habit of disappearing from Ash's eyes and the only way to find her is by following the scent of poop.  We also have a crack at answering your parenting questions: How did guys feel about sex with your partner when they were pregnant? Circumcision - yay or nay ? (Matt got the hooded cobra snipped when he was 6)  Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, we had a few comments about your swearing in the last episode. Did you see that? I haven't seen it. Is it outrageous? Yeah, it's a few. They're like, can I stop swearing? Seriously? Yeah.

What? Yeah. Fuck off. Nah, I'm just joking. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that is all about parenting the good, the bad.

And the relatable. And look, if there are any new listeners right now who have just tuned in, maybe they've seen our faces on the artwork of the podcast and thought, hey, they look like they could offer some advice. Mm-mm. Nope. I think if you come here for advice, it'd be like someone entering a chilli eating contest. Actually, that's a lie. Someone took my advice the other day.

What part? They even sent me a message to say, I forgot to tell you, actually. Look at the smile on your face. I'm an expert. Which part? The don't talk in the middle of the night did you see that i've i might have a message i think i saw a message from a you ready my dm was it from a mom yeah yeah she was like genius didn't even think about it so like why do you need to talk in the middle of the night you don't need to talk if she goes can you

get me some water just do it just fucking do it there is the odd look you know obviously we like to talk ourselves down too much because there are a lot of other podcasts out there that do offer gen we don't focus on it no if there is advice it's purely accidental absolutely that was an accident that was me kind of being like that what worked for me could work for you but i also just don't want to see people getting in arguments in the middle of the night. No. Especially if they're all your neighbours. Think of your neighbours.

If there's one thing that we can do, Ash, or I hope we can do, it's just bring couples together and try and minimise any arguments that they have around the kids. And build some normality. Before we start, it would be remiss of us not to crack a little tinny. Oh, yeah, absolutely. What have we got today? Well, this is something different. I've had this before.

You've had? I had a couple last night. It's not like ash at all. Oh, yeah. Cheers. Your ginger beer. Be careful of the equipment because that's expensive. Better beer, ginger beer.

Ash, fact, if I may. Yep. This has half the sugar of other ginger beers out there that are alcoholic is that right and like you know me i'm a beer guy all the day all the day long i couldn't get that i'm a beer guy through and through i don't drink any spirits rarely unless i'm absolutely hammered what made you go for the ginger beer yesterday oh i thought like i haven't had a chance to try it yet we're going to talk about it today real quick and i thought you know what i'm gonna have six of them so i had a few of them last time

and i quite like them they're definitely in the rotation like normally i'd have this on a summer afternoon winter still quite nice winter's got a gingery beer feel about it too. It's kind of like, I think if you're in the UK, like mulled wine is big. And the Australian equivalent, ginger beer. Do you know what I did? It was late yesterday afternoon. I had the kids.

I locked them in the trampoline out there. As you do, perfect zip up. But I put a padlock. Nah, I just went out there and just watched them UFC wrestle out there. Did they want to be in the trampoline or were you like, get in there now, Oscar? Well, it was pretty dark and cold by the time I got out. Dad, please.

Anyway, they are good. The 12th ginger beer being like, you guys having fun? Yeah, they're good. So thank you again, Better Beer, for the ginger beer, lower sugar. Get it in here. Can I ask just really quickly before we get into the episode? We joked the other week about April's reaction to Better Beer being a sponsor. Yeah.

Like, obviously. She doesn't know yet. No, look, it's fine. Yeah, look, it wasn't the first choice. She's upstairs right now. She's upstairs. She's working. Hey, so are we.

This is not easy. Working like a dog. This podcast business is hard work. It's tough. Cheers. Cheers again. Mine's only half empty. I wanted to just quickly touch on something really quickly go you know i've had a rough week so far yes already it is

on wednesday but it's been a rough week a rough trot as some would say we can't go into detail can we no no because they'll be listening potentially they'll be listening and that would end really badly but same time but something worse happened something more embarrassing happened yesterday i was down the shops just picking up a few things as you do you know what were you picking up just condom porn that was definitely not you just something you send like groceries? Groceries? Yeah, yeah. I just had to get, you know, the usual stuff like eggs, shit. Sure. Whatever. That sort of stuff.

And I got a few things from Woolies. I got a few things that weren't on the list. Okay. And, you know, I love their brown paper bags. I just feel like an elegant man walking out with a brown paper bag. I don't know. I don't know. Something about it.

What do you mean? They're just nice. They're just nice to carry. They're nice and square. Things fit in there nicely. I'm not rummaging around with a plastic fucking suitcase.

Yeah, I can't... I kind of get what you're saying but at the same time I prefer the plastic one. Like the hard plastic because they're more robust. Like if you're carrying milk and stuff... Yeah, well I didn't have any others.

Sure. I didn't have any linen bags or like any products that were like letting out no moisture i stupidly overfilled them okay now we think we you know where this is going yes i was walking out to the car and it just so happened to be school knockoff time as a school across the street yep and they're all hauling ass at me these teenagers and you know what teenagers are like they're fucked they're absolute assholes took the words right out of my mouth both bags snap right in front of all these high school kids. And I was just like, fuck. It's such an ick. It's like that scene from Home Alone

where he's got the brown paper bags and they just bottom out and lose everything. That's exactly what happened. And it's like such an ick. If you see someone, it's like, there's two things that I think that are similar. There's picking up your groceries off the floor of the car park or ground of the car park.

Yeah, that's bottom feeder level. That's bottom feeder. And also chasing a plastic bag that's in the wind. That weird little run after a plastic bag that's caught in the wind. Hunched over and it's just always out of reach. Did you lose the eggs? No, they were on top. So, like, safe landing.

Thank heavens. Thank heavens. Thank heavens. But look, I was red-faced. Did you get a reaction from the kids? Oh, yeah. It was, oh! What are you staring at? I was just like, get out of here!

Picking up your condoms. Seems Ash buys home brands I wanted to talk about Macy Yes So Lola's what Two Macy's coming up to two Lola's potty training

As we worked out last week She smeared it all over the fucking wall Macy's almost Well not almost too She's like Six months out How far What month are we in june five months five months out say five months out so she's not potty training she's still in very much in nappies diapers whatever people's preferences on that and she's doing this thing now where she just disappears and goes quiet.

So it's safe to say a couple of weeks ago, two weeks ago, it was just me and Macy in the house. Anyway, I've got distracted and I've lost Macy. Hang on, wait. So you've lost her because we're in your house right now. I've lost her. It's not really. I was distracted.

I was doing something. What were you doing? Drinking No Oh my god no I'm joking I'm joking Go on man I'm sorry

No I was probably scrolling TikTok While taking a shit Yeah And I was like I was just She was up there playing or whatever And then she's just gone quiet And I was like

Oh she's gone quiet So I went Tried to find her Went into the bedroom Their bedroom No one to be found No one to be found back into my bedroom check the bathrooms as you do are you like am i losing my mind i thought like i'm fucking losing my mind you check the balconies even the doors she's grown three foot and reach the doors i've come downstairs thought okay she must be in the kitchen because she loves the snack cupboard is within reach for

her and i thought gotta be there. Yeah. Got to be down there somewhere. But she's also not at the age where, like, it's funny for kids when you're like, where are you? And they hide because it's like hide and seek. Yeah. She's not there yet, right? She's like starting to know that it's, oh, it's a game.

If you call her, if you're like, here. She won't come. She won't come. No. But this was like, she just went quiet. I was like, oh, fuck. Like, where is she? And I thought, because she can get up and down the stairs.

Backwards, thankfully. And I came downstairs, the doors were all shut. Go into the garage, not in the garage. Open the front. Shit. At this point, I'm panicking. At this time right now, how long until April gets home? A while. So, yeah. Okay. So, you're like, I'm panicking, this time right now How long until April gets home? A while

So you're like I'm panicking but I've still I would have had enough time To go and steal another baby And come back with her But I was like It doesn't make any sense I was like where's she gone?

Anyway so I was like I'll check back upstairs one more time And I was like Walked upstairs Checked in their bedroom Nothing I was like For God upstairs, checked in their bedroom, nothing. I was like, for God's sake. Walk into our bedroom.

And as I walked past our closet, I just, a waft was. Admitting. A waft went up my nose. It happened to be shit. Yes. So, she's gone. How do you say shit? Yeah.

She's gone. She's hidden in our cupboard. She's sitting on top of the shoe rack. It's a two or three-story shoe rack, depending on how many levels you count. And she was on top of that, sitting there, silent. And what she's done, she's snuck off into our wardrobe and taken a shit. And I would have never found her unless I walked past and smelt the waft of baby shit straight up my nostrils. And since then, she's continued to do it.

So, like, the other day, we were at a friend's house, and she's gone again. Completely gone. She doesn't know this house. Anyway, like, the balcony wrap around. She's completely gone. And then I come around the corner she's out there like looking at me like don't like what are you doing so at the moment it's kind of like hide and go pussy situation it's weird that they go through that phase of wanting to have a bit of privacy because they definitely come out of it like now

my kids will just shit and then laura's done the complete 180 or 360 where she's like, I'm just shitting while brushing my teeth. But it's funny how they do that, don't you reckon? Like I remember Marley would sit down and squat behind the couch and just to have like a little bit of privacy. And I'd look over and she'd be like popping a vein from her forehead. Yeah, that look. Well, I told you about my friend that had the poo runner remember oh yeah yeah and when he needs to poo he just takes off in like circles like running and running around and he'll just find a spot

when no one's looking like i mean they don't know any better but like also like i think macy thinks it's some sort of game now if i know i can't hear her for a little bit of time, I'm like... Just smell her. Just getting a nappy out and the wipes and I'm prepping. It's a really annoying time as well when they start going onto solids and their poos go from being like a kind of like a purely breast milk or milk-based poo to then transitioning to like having solids form that poo and it like the smell is...

I know. And then also April's like, can I check it? Why? What for? Well, you should know this. Apparently you can say a lot about the baby's health by their shit. Obviously you don't want it too runny. But it comes, it's just coming across a bit now.

Like if you want to check every poo, like what is it your thing now? But surely April's like, oh, I'm doing it for medical reasons. just coming across a bit now like if you want to check every poo like what is it your thing now are you eating macy's shit no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no check if she's healthy tastes all right yeah look-poo-seek with Macy lately. What's your trigger for when you guys will get out of nappies during the day to start potty training? Look. Is that an April question?

I'll put you on the spot. I don't know. Classic dad. Do you know what? The other day as well, I was at the doctor's with Macy because she needed a clearance to go back to kindy or something. Anyway, I went to just like the medical center down here really early first in and the guy goes who does she usually

see is it like the regular doctor I was like I have no idea he was like is this your baby I was like yeah let me just call mom the classic dad has no idea did you have the blue books I always go in there like where's the blue book and I'm like I thought the blue books? I always go in there like, where's the blue book? And I'm like, I thought the blue book was for when you just have them. I mean, you could offer me a million dollars. It's not like a baby journal. Well, apparently you're like, I don't know when you stopped using the blue book. Today, dad forgot my GP's

name. For anyone who doesn't have kids, when you have a baby, it's there, then and there, isn't it? They're like, here's your baby and you get... The baby comes out with it under its arm here's my blue book sign it now you get like a little gift pack you get like from new south wales health yeah in this instance yeah you get a little tote bag and it has goodies can't remember what's in there i think you get a i know i still i sell a couple of blankets from the hospital oh the, the stripy colored ones?

Yes. Oh, they're classic. Did you steal them? We took one for the dog so the dog could get used to the smell before the baby came home. Very good, very good. Didn't work. But within that is a blue book.

And that's meant to be, I think, for like every... It has like... It's like your car, essentially. It's a log book. Which I also lose in my car as well. Yeah. Nightmare. I know, like, I don't even know where it is,

but April will be able to whip it out quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here it is. I keep it on me at all times. This is my one too. Anyway, that's Macy at the moment. Hey, question. What is your bedtime?

Are you going to rinse me about my bedtime on this? Yeah. Last night I was in bed at 7.30. Fuck. I'm essentially a toddler. Okay, can you just

just like really, really top line. Don't have to go into too much detail. What time do the kids go to bed? What's your schedule like? Well,

Macy's usually in bed by like 7. Okay, so dinner at what six what time you have i feel like you're calling me out i had dinner last night at five o'clock i get so much shit about this from my friends because they're like dinner at five it's not even dark yet yeah wait till summer it's definitely not like it's midday when we have dinner. So, you have dinner with the kids or? It varies depending on how hungry April is.

Shit. But yeah. So, like for example, last night I had dinner at five, quarter past five. Wow. Wow. Then Bath, Macy to bed, Oscar to bed at like a bit after seven last night and daddy's lights out are you asleep by seven no no no no i'm like sleep by like 8 30 if you message me after eight you're not getting a response you've noticed no totally when i go to message you and it says

ash has do not disturb and it's like three in the afternoon i'm having a nap man i get a message from you at like 12 o'clock i'm like yeah good luck champ but you know you've noticed that you i'll respond when i'm on the pier you'll be like it's okay well i've got him for another few hours now let's have a business meeting real quick and so how does it work then with the kids like because obviously macy's in a cot still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oscar, what's he sleeping in? He's in a single bed with a...

He's in a cage. He's in a cage in the garage. Is he able to leave his bed in the middle of the night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he does. He comes and gets in with us. On average, like every night? It's an argument.

Every time before we go to bed you say you stay in your bed all night and he's there thinking shut up yeah yeah so i instead of now bribing him with things to stay in there i've decided to take things back to the shop so like he's got this bike hot wheeled bike he rides around the living room i think it's outside at the moment and he loves it obviously he loves it and the other night he's like are you sleeping in your or rides around the living room. I think it's outside at the moment. And. He loves it, obviously. He loves it. And the other night he's like, I go, are you sleeping in your bed all night tonight?

And he's like, nope. With that stupid face. And I was like, well, you are because otherwise I'm taking that fucking Hot Wheels thing and I'm taking it back to the shop. I didn't say fucking, or maybe I did. I don't know. I really register it. I'm taking it back to the shop. I didn't say fucking, or maybe I did. I really register it.

I'm taking it back to the shop. And he's like, no. And I was like, well, sleep in your bed. He's like, no. I'm like, how are you not working this out? Work it out. So he did that night and he got to keep it. But then last night.

Just putting the fear of God into it. Yeah, yeah. But then he started doing this thing where he's like i had a nightmare and how do you how do you go no you didn't or it's like tell me all about it because if someone says to me what's your nightmare last night i'm just like i did that thing where you try and punch someone and you can't do it you're like the work or you're trying to run after something and it's And all of a sudden you're running backwards Marley had a nightmare

And it was about the fact that She wanted some warm water in a bottle And the babysitter said no to her And that was her nightmare Oh my god Yeah The life of a toddler It'd be sweet wouldn't it

If that's your biggest worry That's your nightmare God That'd be amazing I'm having nightmares about having to wake up And go to work Real problems Real problems Marley Real problems Nightmare, God. That'd be amazing. I'm having nightmares about having to wake up and go to work. Real problems.

Real problems, Marley. Real problems. When Oscar comes into bed, are you guys like, this is fine? Or do you try and... At that point, it's about sleep. Yeah. Sometimes it's annoying because he just does that little half cry thing. If you're not cuddling, he's like... That'll get you.

It'll get you. I'm like, shut the fuck up i remember speaking to other parents about bedtime routines and here it is before i had kids hearing a parent talk about like co-sleeping having their child in bed with them and i remember thinking what the fuck is wrong with you letting your child sleep in your bed like that's just gonna i think just make them really dependent and also it's just gonna then ruin I think, just make them really dependent. And also, it's just going to then ruin, you know, any intimacy with you and your partner when your child keeps coming in the middle of the night.

Yeah. Look, we go through phases where he can sleep with us, then we get him to go back. He's pretty good at going back. Like, he'll come in at like 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning and there's no action happening at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. No. At that point, a lot of times he just sneaks in,

you don't even know he's there. And then I wake up and there's a child's foot in my face. Right? Yeah. Because, yeah, Marley nowadays, like, I would say every single night. She's in there every night now. If I wake up in the morning and she's not there, I'm like, oh, this is weird. I don't even register now.

Like, she just slots in where the bed's positioned. She'll come to me first because I'm, like, closest to the doorway. And it's almost like just you know in my sleep i just grab her and like put her in except except last night wasn't a smooth operation we had a little incident in the bedroom okay you seem to be having incidents in the bedroom all the time you guys and this one's not you guys fucking like animals no this is not this is not sex oh, this is not sex related. Oh, okay.

This is not sex related. Unfortunately. I wish it was. I wish it was. Why would you wish that? No, no, no. Okay. Yeah.

With my wife. Let's just clarify. Okay. Yep. Okay. So in the middle of the night, Marley's obviously, you know, she's working up at like one or two o'clock, which is normally when she comes in. She's started walking towards the bed and my instinct...

You didn't punch her out like she was an intruder. Oh, shit. Well, I don't recall doing this. This is just me. This is me. I'm a protective kind of guy. You know, I'm looking up... Oh, you look real alpha.

I can't imagine in the middle of the night how alpha. Yeah, I would love to see what your pajamas look like. Onesie with a flap at the back. I'm a real protective guy. She's tried to like pull up the duvet and slot in. And I've, in my sleep, I've had my instincts have kicked in thinking someone's trying to like, I don't know, it's like a dog trying to attack us. And so I've like grabbed her and like thrown her. Oh, my God.

And then I just, I kind of like, I'm half asleep, but I hear this like. You threw your child across the room. Well, like pushed. Well, hang on. You just said you grabbed her and threw her. Yeah, but you make it sound so much worse. Well, like, pushed. Well, hang on. You just said you grabbed her and threw her. Yeah, but you make it sound so much worse. I'm just gathering evidence. Hang on.

Just in case. Just for the testimony. Let me jot that down. And obviously Marley starts bawling her eyes out. She's wailing. Oh, yeah. And then I'm still kind of half asleep. It takes me a while to get the engine running.

And Laura's like, what the hell was that? I'm like, I don't know. A rabid dog's broken into the house and I've just saved us. And Marley's there on the floor. She hit the floor. Yeah, I threw her onto the carpet. I was protecting the family. It's my instincts.

Let's get social services up in here. I was like, I'm sorry. Look, I'm sure it's not the first parent to think an intruder's in your bed. Sometimes it's scary. Especially where you live. You know, it's at the end of the street. It's a bit sketchy. So I think it's fair play.

Play on. So is she okay, obviously? Yeah, she's fine. She's just hospital. Every bone in the body is fine. No, yeah, she's a dislocated shoulder. She's okay. No big deal.

Six to eight weeks out. I was secretly hoping that it might deter her from coming in the next night. Did it? She came in even harder. Yeah. She ran in. She ran in like a hit up. Comes in with a helmet.

Some shoulder pads. Carrying a football. Studs up. That's how you get your kids to not sleep with you anymore Yeah, crash, tackle them to the ground Told you this podcast was full of advice You fly, kick them to the head Straight to the head Problem solved

Ash, it is time to answer some questions which have been submitted by our lovely listeners we always go with two questions i guess this part of the podcast is where you may there may be a peppering of advice except for what we just talked about previously where you how to get your kids out of your bed yeah so i think if anyone does come for advice normally you just skip through three quarters come here you may get something it's like if you're looking for gold and creek yeah you like it comes at the end you may get a sprinkling of gold dust unlikely it's always the last place you look yeah definitely no nuggets yeah but this first question is an interesting one this one popped up and we both went oh i won't say who it's from some people have said hey we really like it that you didn't put our name in there let's stick with that let's run with that we'll always make it anonymous unless

you say i want to call out then we'll i don't want to get them in trouble or like because we're all about keeping the peace between relationships well we started the episode with that so i suppose we better finish it with that okay i've got a question for you guys how did you go for you guys for me is it for me oh no this is him tim or her question for us guys okay yeah coming from it's coming from a mom here okay cool how did you go with sexy time during pregnancy were you into it or were you a little bit turned off slash freaked out and She kind of gives some context here. She's with her second partner. She's pregnant with her third. She has

two older boys with someone else. And she said that she's experienced this with both men now, that they're just not into it. So she says, is it not being attracted to me whilst I'm pregnant or is it thinking they're poking the baby's head? I'm interested to know how you guys were with this and how your wives reacted. She wants it 24-7. Does she? Yeah, good on her. That's nice.

That's the dream. I think, look, unless you're hung like an absolute horse, you're not poking anyone in the head, champ. Well, that's my cue to say that As a man with an enormous cock ash It was a very big concern for me Oh okay I thought that Mine is very long, very thin I've seen you bungee smugglers mate

Or you're a grower Nothing to worry about Look it's definitely different Did you have more sexy time? I think it was like pretty standard Like I don't think a whole lot changed But it's always also going to be like in how far along. I was kind of into it.

I kind of liked it. Well, obviously the vision is getting ready for childbirth. Yes. So there is changes. It's a bit more... Plump. Plump. Yeah.

Which, it's a good thing. It's great. Exactly right. Look, it was... Yeah, look, I would say for the first six months it was still happening and then I think as we got closer to the end, she was just more uncomfortable, right? Totally, totally.

And like you can't, you know. Can't manoeuvre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, Laura, get up. On your back. Yeah, it's like if you need to roll her over, it's like, one, two, three. I asked Laura, I said like, were you hornier?

And she was like, nah. I see. I was meant to ask April this morning and I forgot. Yes. But I'm going to say she wasn't. I'm going to say, like I said, it was pretty normal for most of it. But I kind of, I don't know. I kind of thought it was like being so, I'm trying to find my words here.

Laura being so womanly, I found that like a turn on. I don't know what that means. The fact that she was like mothering my credit. I don't know. It sounds weird when I try and verbalize it. Yeah, okay. I think I know what you're talking about. The whole deal. Yeah, I found it sexy. Like she's, you know. She and verbalize it. Yeah, okay. I think I know what you're talking about. I just found it like... The whole deal.

Yeah, I found it sexy. Like she's, you know... She's carrying my child. Yeah. Love of my life. Yeah. All of that put together. Yeah, okay.

You just don't know. Some people, it could be their turn on could be completely attractive to the look and what they're actually mounting. This is not good. Otherwise, it could be much more emotional like yours sounds more emotional so look i think we obviously can't answer this question because we're just two people with no idea okay so for me like i said it wasn't a turn on and it wasn't a turn off did you though towards the tail end of the pregnancy you know this is when like baby's very close to coming out did it ever enter your delivery suite

quick quick wait we have five minutes i would you know sometimes in the middle of sex i'd be like holy shit i'm about to become a dad soon and obviously that's not a thought that you want to have as your i didn't i didn't. I don't recall having that. You didn't look at the belly and go, that's going to be my child? Not even once? Yeah, but not like during it. Sometimes I would... Constantly trying on something else, man.

Sometimes I'd be like, holy shit, that's going to be my daughter. And then I'd be like, oh God. No, I know what you mean. She was saying that both just not been into it. It's probably just going to come down to the person. That's my answer to that question. story short sometimes during sex you do think of what is actually happening here and there's a child in the room the longer process yes yes all right matthew so our second question today comes from one of our lovely listeners and it comes that's weird that's oh my god that That's so random. Let me get through it.

Just let me fucking get... Okay, question number two. Yes. Having your child circumcised, are you for or against? I think I'm for it. I think, I mean... Don't give me that look.

You're for mutilating a child's penis, aren't you? That sounds about right, yeah. Freak! It's cleaner, right? I've heard the numbers have dropped off. I feel like not as many people are getting the snip for their kids nah in the 90s like i was born in 87 i feel like the 90s it was like all the rage it was like fondue fondue and circumcision so my friend group is split up in between circumcised and uncircumcised and it's always a consistent battle what do you mean as in like people like the circumcised and uncircumcised, and it's always a consistent battle.

What do you mean as in like people at the circumcised will have a Sunday barbecue and the uncircumcised? We just make fun of the other one for their... At the party, it's segregated. Personally, I am uncircumcised and thankful because I need the length. And Oscar is also uncircumcised because I know he's also going to need the length You filthy animals

You are disgusting I can smell parmesan cheese from here Okay, you're telling me that if you had a baby boy right now You would cut the end of its dick off 100% What would you do? Wear it around your neck like a trophy? Absolutely

You freak Girl dads would be like that too This has now become Anyone listening who's circumcised I think what you've done is an admirable thing You are a clean individual Great hygiene There is this like bit of war though

Like women go Do you prefer them circumcised or uncircumcised? That's just your blatant assumption Let's get April down here April! Flop your cock out. I was circumcised not for religious reasons, but because... It was too big. I wish it was too big.

I had too much foreskin. You had a five skin. I had half cock, half skin. Oh, really? 50-50? Yeah, I was 50. So what happened was I was six at the time. Whoa.

I was once one of you and I thought at the age of- So you're a traitor. So at the age of six, I thought, well, this is now, you know, obviously at this point, I'm now going to grow up being uncircumcised. I was hanging out with the uncircumcised kids. I'd form my allegiances and then all of a sudden my mum chopped your dick off yeah she brought the boys together because i'm one of five kids three boys they took a vote four boys in the family so the issue was someone kept pissing everywhere all over the toilet floor it was everywhere i don't think i knew i think i just thought that was how you pissed i don't know well like a like an elephant's trunk when it's

super excited like i'm flipping around because i had so much foreskin it would just like it would ruin the spray and it'd come out like a oh Oh, my God. I'm learning so much today. And they would just be pissed everywhere. And I'd be like, oh, that was a good one. And then I'd leave. My mum would come in being like, what the fuck is this? So you're telling me that your mum chopped the end of your dick off because you didn't want to clean up the bathroom anymore.

She pulled me in the kitchen and said, come on. I thought you were going to say, we got all the kids together and took a vote. Like, should we chop his yay or nay? Sacrificing me on a Friday evening in the backyard. Me and the goat. But my mum pulled me aside and she was like, hey, can I? I think she must have been like, can I just have a quick look?

And then she was like, fuck, he's got a big cock. That's a lot of foreskin. Went to the doctor. Can't wait to see your mum again. I'm going to ask her that. Yeah, I mean, it must be sad for you recording in your house this time and my mum's not around. I know.

You just save this when your mum's not around so I can't be like, how are you going to get in there and talk about his penis? So I went to the doctors and they were like, we've got to get rid of it. It's too much on the young fella. I don't believe this. I swear to God.

I feel like you're absolutely trying to pull one over here. No, I swear to God. I'm not trying to. So then at the age of six, so I was grade one at the time, and I had to then, you know, I remember saying to the classroom, I was like, guys, I'm going into surgery. Wish me luck. It's booked for tomorrow.

When I come out of it, I will no longer be the Matty J that I was once before. And I remember waking up and the words that I was told by the doctor were very comforting. It said surgery had gone well. And we added two extra inches because we felt sorry for the poor little girl. that I was told by the doctor were very comforting. It said surgery had gone well. And we added two extra inches because we felt sorry for the poor little girl. But I remember, it's weird how some things stick out in your mind.

Like your penis. It's meant to do that. My penis was bandaged up It was like It was so girthy Do you thought it was going to be Hell girthy Yeah I was like yes

But he made me go do a wig To make sure that the bandages Weren't covering it It was all fine Was it like a little target So it was like Let's see how you go Bullseye

We did good fellas Ash this is a fucking serious story Alright alright And you're just there Taking the piss I think it's made up I'm here being vulnerable I'm opening myself up I think it's been. Ash, this is a fucking serious story. All right, all right. And you're just there taking the piss. I think it's made up. I'm here being vulnerable. I'm opening myself up.

I think it's been made up. No, this is true. I love this. Did she keep it? I don't think she did. I haven't. I can't confirm. I've got a phone number.

You can ask her. I'm assuming that mum decided not to keep my foreskin. There would have been so much of it because I had so much foreskin. Like a scarf. You could have gone fucking sailing with that thing. Put it on a little tinny and you could have fucking sailed to Sydney.

It's like Sydney to Hobart. Who's that? Oh, it's the foreskin boat. It's the foreskin boat. Matty J, captain again. It's Matty's five skin. Yeah. So yeah,

so then from that moment on I was then circumcised. So I'm the only one in my family of the kids. Does the head of your penis get cold during winter because it doesn't have that little turn? Sometimes it does. I'm not going one in my family of the kids. Does the head of your penis get cold during winter? Sometimes it does.

I'm not going to lie. Apparently, we are less sensitive. So sex is more enjoyable for those who are uncircumcised. But I wouldn't know because I still come in like 30 seconds. Yeah. Seems pretty enjoyable to me. I had a mate who actually, within the last 10 years, so in his 20s, had to get circumcised

because the girth of his penis actually outgrew the skin and it became tight, so tight. So he must have been just a massive grower. Or was it like, as it was flaccid, it was still too big? Yeah, like it was becoming really uncomfortable for him. Could they just not put like a snip in it to like... Release the pressure. No, they had to get rid of the whole thing.

How old was he? Well, the thing is he had a size 34 skin. He needed a size 32 for it. Yeah. Oh, that would be such a good problem to have. Your penis is too big. Are we yay or are we nay i look you're yay for for circumcision and i there's no criticism from me because it's each to their own

yeah i'm for it i have my allegiance with all of my friends are circumcised too that's i should have asked this question a lot sooner the fact that you're uncircumcised that's why this works yeah the ying and the yang yeah yeah you fucking freak I need the length so I've got an excuse

so it doesn't bother me doesn't bother me okay to be honest it's one of those things that I'd say Laura what do you want to do it'd be up to her

yeah that's a Laura question she'd take one look and go he needs all the length yeah Ash that is all we have time for

it is anyone out there who's having some issues parenting maybe they have turned to the professionals they haven't given them a reasonable answer come to us they're getting if they go to professionals they're getting an educated answer yes you want to counter that worse than someone who's educated doesn't have kids trying to give you advice someone who's uneducated and also has kids give you advice. Yes. I think it's important if you are making any big life decisions

with your children, you want to make sure you're getting answers from everybody, like family, friends, professional, Matty J Nash. That is why we're here. But you can submit any questions on Instagram at 2dotingdads. Slip into our DMs.

We'll pick out the best ones. Keep it anonymous unless you want to shout out. And we will unpack them. Happy to do that too. Yeah, and look, if you enjoyed today's episode, please go onto Apple Podcasts, leave a review, leave a star rating. Same with Spotify as well. Otherwise, if you just want to send us a message,

a picture of your penis, that'd be fine too. Send it in. If you've got a five skin right now, send it in. Regardless, if you're pregnant, send us a message picture of your penis that'd be fine too um send it if you've got a five skin right now yeah send it send it regardless if you're pregnant send us a photo give us we'll be posting them all thank you guys we better stop recording right now see you next week Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.