Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Daddy wants a podcast

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

Welcome to our very first ep! Matt discusses the joys of holidaying to Yeppoon with the whole Johnson clan, which involves sitting at the airport for 6hrs, losing luggage and 15kg worth of frozen spag bowl and lasagne brought by his mum. Is it ok to use your child to make friends with another parent? Ash faces the dilemma of dodging friendship requests thrown at him at the park. Also, Matt discovers why he was wandering around his neighbourhood stinking of shit. Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I was like, do we have some beers? At what, 11 a.m.? But I've also got some heaps normal as well. But then I also thought. It's crap though. Yeah, I was like. You see that video of the guy who's like, non-alcoholic beer is like having sex with your sister.

You know, like it does the job and it's not quite the same. I don't know the exact, but I was like, fuck. It went viral actually. I'm surprised it didn't get cancelled because it's pretty gross hello i am maddie j and i'm ash and you're currently listening to Hello, I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. And you're currently listening to Two Doting Dads, a podcast where we'll talk about parenting, the good, the bad, the relatable,

every little stuff up that we make, which there are plenty. Yeah, and if you've come for some sound advice, this is not the place oh yeah like stop right now stop turn it off head to mamma mia yeah listen to one of those podcasts this is not educational whatsoever no no no no no but if you're coming to feel like there's others out there who are sharing your pain as a parent welcome big embrace from both of us because like i think we wanted to get together and have a chat when we both had a chance and as you can see we're sitting at a kitchen table with laundry on it matt has kindly cleaned up the house as you can see the house was fucking messy

and i'm sorry normally don't you dare apologize to me i love it when we have guests over laura is very pedantic about wanting to keep it clean and even if i shoot any video and the place is messy laura's like oh my god like i know it's actually i've noticed that with your and laura's content it's a online continuous joke about i love how you didn't clean up because april's the same okay if i film anything in the house she's like you can't post that why the fuck not she's like people love it people love it i had a lady message me and this was off the back of i thought a video where the place was kind of clean and she messaged me and said i just i love it so much that you just film your house

when it's such a mess i was like bitch this is clean literally but yeah we are currently in the kitchen slash dining kitchen yeah it's sorry sorry not to talk it down alongside my washing which is clean it's folded who folded that not you uh no that'll sit there for at least another week in white're rocking white underpants. You are game. What, these ones? You are game, man. Mate. What's wrong with that? I just mean, like, there's nowhere to hide any skids on that whatsoever.

I always rock black. Black is the smart option. There you go. So much more. You can hide so much more. Do you normally have skid marks man i let them rip i'm a dad of two now it doesn't matter what i'm doing and yeah look i don't know actually i don't know if i have skids because you're wearing the black that's ballsy you may be wondering how

ash and i got together and it's a very beautiful story. I think it dates back to November. It does, November, yeah. Last year. Well, I was following you for a while on TikTok and like all good modern love stories, it started with a like here and there. Yeah. Progress to a follow.

Teasing each other for sure. I think I followed you first on TikTok. I think so. And that was right. I remember because my wife was like, I was like, oh, this Matty J follow. I was like, you've got to follow me back. You have to follow me back. You've got to do it.

I'm like, okay. You're very serious about this. So the follow came from April, your wife. Originally. Pushing you into it. It was more like, do you know this guy? Right. And like, obviously we know you from The Bachelor.

Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. I mean, you're Australia's favorite couple. I i mean i didn't want to say it but i speak on behalf of all of australia we love that you're together thank you so i followed you back obviously because she's like the content's very similar both dads i mean our kids are like a week apart in age so going through the same things very relatable i went I went back into my saved videos. Sometimes if I see something that's really clever and funny.

And it's me. It's just all me. I had three videos from you back in the day. I don't remember how we started. Do you know which videos they were? I'll have to dig them out. But I think I'll go through afterwards. Definitely.

I'm keen because it's like I'd like to remake them. Running out of things. I don't know. I think you hit me up first. I'm keen because it's like I'd like to remake them. Running out of things. I don't know. I think you hit me up first. I think you slipped into my DMs. Yeah, I think I said we should do some content. And I think like as all creators do, we want to try and collab together and do different things.

So, I think that was the original like shoot my shot. Yeah. And got me. Got you. Got me. And also like people did really enjoy the videos. Ash has been wanting to do a podcast for a little while. He'd been courting me, flirting with me.

Teasing you. Massaging in the idea. You were really hard to get on board originally. I pushed back. You pushed back, but once I got you at a vulnerable state and I teased you about something else I was working on, mate, the floodgates opened. I can't stop you now.

I know. I know. And you were like, Daddy wants a podcast. In my inner mind, I was like, Daddy wants a podcast. And I was like, I'll do it. So here we are. Would I call it a podcast? I'd call it a conversation.

Yeah, this is like, I mean. This is Laura's staff. So thank you, Laura, for allowing us to, well, thanks for leaving it behind. And here we are. Do we know what we're doing? Not really. No. Will there be an episode two?

Who knows? Maybe in a month's time, maybe six months, maybe next week. Maybe. We'll see. We're not quite sure. We could run out of stories today. Yeah, this is like at the end of. We could hate each other by the end of it.

You just don't know. We're still in the honeymoon phase i think for sure i think it's still really exciting as our wives like to think it's cute oh yeah when i said to laura this morning i was like oh yeah i'm gonna do that podcast with ash and she was just like oh so cute you guys and we um friends we have had a couple of like little man dates. We went to a movie together. We did go to a movie. And, you know, I like to think two blokes go to the movies. Get away from the kids. And when your wife's like, oh, my God, you guys. What are you going to do next?

Yeah. What's the next episode? Did you go for a drink afterwards? Yes, I did go for a drink afterwards. Oh. Did you hold hands? Did you suck him off? Yes. Of course I did, Laura. drink after. Oh. Did you hold hands? Did you suck him off? Yes, of course.

Have you not seen my knees? April's the same. April's like, oh, you've got a new friend. You're going to hang out with a new friend. It's like, fuck, if you've got a new friend, I'd be like, I wouldn't say a fucking word. But for some reason, I'm the whole talk of your town. But it's hard.

I'm in my mid-30s, soon to be 36 hard to find new friends yeah i mean it is hard to find new friends usually you're trying to get rid of friends at this stage or friends are trying to get rid of you unless they've got kids as well where they want to hang out just so that they're not parenting alone it's shared pain shared pain like good example is my wife went out she went out on on Saturday for a boozy lunch. Classic. Classic April. Another one.

What does she drink? It's a combination of like. Like a rosé, like a wine. Yeah. I think like, I can't remember the name of it. I'm not good with wine. It's white. Pinot Gris.

Gris. That's the one. Girls love it. You look like you love a good Pinot Gris. I mean, sometimes. grease that's the one you know you look like you love a good peanut grease sometimes so like the initial thought from every bloke in the same situation is like what part we're going to with the kids is there a playground there we actually got to the playground the playground was shut because there's a wasp nest in there oh fuck and then they wouldn't let us it's like we're fully

grown men and we're also like if the wasp stings someone doesn't the wasp die so we'll just send all the kids in there i think that's bees they could take a stinging each sacrifice yeah macy sorry about that straight in there 18 month year old walking in like he's drunk like you're saying it's hard to find your friends but also do you want to get rid of the ones which you've got just very lucky right now, Ash. Absolutely. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. As do I. I don't know if you saw on social media, Ash, I've just returned from a holiday.

Again. As you know, I hate holidays. You hate them, but you seem to be going on a lot of them. I've had a good run. Let's not forget. It is only April this year. Well, we've had, I'm coming off the back of a two-year lockdown. So I'm now making up for lost time.

But I appreciate, I have had a few. I'm very fortunate. This holiday was going up to Rockhampton. My little brother is a teacher up there. For so long as a family, we've spoken about going and paying him a little visit. Out of the trips you've done this year, where does Rockhampton sit in terms of a place? Might be too early to ask that question. I wasn't super keen on Rockhampton only because to get there,

I mean, I was keen to see my brother, obviously, but to get to Rockhampton, it's just, it was a bit of a ball. Like traveling with kids is a little bit tricky. And to get to Rocky from Sydney, you got to get two flights. Fly to Brisbane, transfer to another flight. a little bit tricky and to get to rocky from sydney you gotta get two flights fly to brisbane transfer to another flight and obviously i'll caveat this and say that very lucky to take a holiday so i'm not trying to be the victim here are you sure however however tight turnaround hour between when you get off the plane and on the next plane. Who booked the flight? I booked the flight.

And when I checked in, I didn't say, oh, can the bags go straight through to Rockhampton? And it was only after they'd left the belt that I was like, hey, do these go straight through to Rocky? And she was like, oh, shit, no, you'll have to collect them in Brisbane and then recheck in. Oh, my God. And so then like Laura and I were doing like the tactic talk of like.

And like you've got, yeah, that's the thing, you've got kids too. So it's not like, oh, that's easy. We can run and get our bags. It's not, oh, fuck, who takes Marley? Who takes Lola? You know, the pram as well, the fold-up pram, which is just, that's a delaying one. Like do we.

Ditch the pram. Do we lose Marley? Yeah. Keep the pram, lose Marley. But I decided I would run off first, get the luggage, recheck it in. From you and Laura, who do you think is actually the fastest runner though? Oh, I mean, I'm like- You're much faster?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Laura is quite good. She's quite tall though. Yeah, she's got a good stride on her. I can imagine she'd be like a gazelle. Laura's downside is that longer distances, pathetic. She's good at like the 100 metres, but beyond that, that's

when i come into my own so anyway i'm that guy like running through the airport like these are like get out of the way get the luggage recheck it in and kind of run back to the gate which was like fucking the other end of the airport we get there they announce the plane's been cancelled flight gone there was fog who was the airline quantus as well which is a safe bet you let them off this time yeah yeah look if it's just that you'd be like we're up in arms man we're protesting on the street but quantus you're like every now and then it's a one-off yeah it never happens like not for me i mean i've never been to rocky so right i've just nicknamed rockhampton yeah yeah just rocky yeah yeah but six hour wait for the

next flight not many flights going out to rockhampton any kids i mean lola must still now so that was right yeah it was right like lola it was roughly 10 o'clock at that point in the morning in the morning so then like i guess it wasn't too bad because we had the pram still, kept the pram. Yeah. But you know when they announce a cancellation and then everyone's like running to the desk to be like, got to get on the next flight, what's happening here?

Did you pull the do you know who I am card? I was like. Hey, have you seen me on today weekend? I've got two kids. People's weather relies on this. I don't think she knew who I was i didn't throw my weight around i did say like it's very disappointing i do and people are like i don't know who the fuck you are and that's great she gave me a 15 voucher each for the adults and the kids i was happy with that yeah not an airport if you're outside the airport that's great literally

went like i got like a savlaki six hours ago and behind the airport, that's great. It literally went like, I got like a Sivlaki. Six hours had gone by in the airport. We get on the flight. We get to Rocky. We drive to Yippoon, which is like almost an hour away. Small problem. We lost the luggage. You lost the luggage? Well, on the drive.

Yeah, no, no. Qantas. Qantas lost the luggage. Lost the luggage. We gave them a pardon on the cancel flight. This is inexcusable. I was filthy. If it's just you as a solo traveler, you're like, fuck it.

I want some new clothes. I've got two children. I've got no nappies. I've got nothing. I've got no bottles. Oh, my God. Oh, the panic, the stress. And all I wanted was an apology.

But it was a young guy. If the person behind the counter had kids, they would have sympathized. But it was a young kid. It was just like- I have no idea. Fuck, dude. It's a bag. I didn't realize how much pain you're actually in right now.

You've just spent all day traveling somewhere. You've got- So, what did you do in the airport for six hours with two kids under four did about five and a half hours of ipads that's nothing in my house it's barely scratching the surface ipad is the best parent oh it's well the app like that helps marley to learn youtube well she's got this uh it's pretty much reading to her it's a better parent than i am yeah okay yeah well look don't discount yourself like that. But also, you can't beat the iPad as a parent. Any dad will tell you.

If a dad restricts any iPad usage, that's not him restricting it. That's mom. It's bad because it's so bloody good. It keeps them so occupied. But also, once they get a good taste of like a heavy stint, like after that five and a half hour window of ipad time after that the kids were just like feral conditioned for ipads so like you know beautiful yuppoon the beach is great lovely weather where's the ipad yeah literally

and i've got like a stand-up paddleboard for Marley. Did you think you could just put the screensaver as you poo? And be like. Yeah, look, the same thing, yeah. We hid the iPads. Yeah, okay. Which is a shame. They have one each? I can see them.

That's not yours and Laura iPad up there. No. I know. It's got the feet to it. Anyone like this thing, it's got two arms and the feet stands upright. People know exactly what that is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great invention. Our iPad doesn't have that, so it gets dropped a lot.

How do you manage then the screen not being smashed into pieces? It is smashed into pieces. Great. We'd prefer to use the phone because I don't want to carry that thing around. It's a nightmare. Do you have to check that in? I bring that in the backpack, but then like to take security, oh, it's a punish.

I know. And it's rubber too. It's sticks on everything. I pull it out and then fucking have to. It's like having a rubber case on your phone and trying to get it out of your pocket. It's grim. It's grim.

I was always one person who would say, I'm not going to have too much screen time for the kids. Everyone always says that. Everyone always says that. Kids now can't eat a meal without having some kind of screen playing in the background it's the generation we live in right so like you gotta swim with the tide absolutely like that's funny because every parent like you and i who use the ipad so much always go i don't know how our parents did it without this

and that's a valid question i have no idea at But also, there was a lot more corporal punishment back then. You could hit your kids more back then. And you could also just be like playing the creek and come back before dinner. Yeah, don't die. Yeah. Okay, mum. Street lights are on, back.

I know you're three. Street lights are on, get back. Don't die. Yeah. See you later. I'm one of five. I look at my mum and I'm like- You're one of five.

One of five. Yeah. How the fuck did she do it? By herself. Nutbag. Just on her own? later i'm one of five i look at my mom and i'm like you want to find one of five yeah how the fuck did she do it by herself nutbag just on her own yeah single parent far out i want to meet this woman yeah she'd probably whip me into shape a little bit yeah she'll be like you're now one of six you know what she did on this trip though i think it's off the back of the because this was a was this a full sorry i don't think we got there. All the Johnsons. All the Johnsons here.

The Johnsons. I love that. Growing up, didn't have that much money. And so, mum would bring food wherever we went. So, if we went to like the movies or went to a theme park, we would- Sandwiches. Never fucking dream of buying food there. She's savvy, man.

I like that. Do you know what she brought with her? Two frozen lasagnas. I like. Two Rockhampton. And so she was panicking when they lost the luggage. She was like, the fucking lasagna. Oh, my God.

Spaghetti bolognese, like frozen. Was it in the luggage? In the luggage. Yeah. Oh, my God. You know when you're watching Border Security and you're like, and you see the family come along and you're like, do you have any food?

They're like, no. And then open the bag and it's just full of food. Your mum is that. Literally. You imagine that. That's probably why it got lost because they were like. Scanning it being like. Something's not right.

Yeah, why is there like 10 kilos of minced beef in this why is there a fucking lasagna in this soup is this in this samson there's definitely cocaine like get it out i'll take it out they're all taking a bite it's just to make sure and she's like she's not a bad cook actually so mom had brought she brought enough food for us to eat every single night for the like the whole trip that we're away and then quantas lost everyone's food we still ate it how when did you get your bags back so we we like got on a flight at like seven in the morning got the bags back at 10 p.m you know it's frozen mama put them into like those esky bags in her bag so they were still partly frozen by the time we got them back to Yippoon. Because it would have been so insulated too. Yeah.

That's crazy. Apart from that, trip was great. Yippoon's lovely. One part of the holiday which I found interesting, apart from all the other calamities that happened. Because a big family holiday, there's going to be all sorts of different personalities and all sorts of like. It's chaos.

Yeah, yeah. It's chaos. Especially one of five and also my sister's got three kids as well so like you know bathrooms are chockers here in this house there's the ensuite and the second bathroom i have the ensuite laura has that bathroom so we never it's exactly like our house never like we never cross are we living the same life yeah am i looking into a mirror of myself? Yes, you are. And so we had to kind of, you know, readjust the schedule of like bathroom etiquette.

But Laura now, we've got two kids, we're married. She's not opposed to like brushing her teeth whilst I'm doing a shit. Like I'm still, I think, hey, there's nothing sacred. Let's have just that little bit of separation. No, you just want that little, it's like the skin between your ball sack and your asshole. That's how much privacy you need. Let's keep that.

Let's keep that. That's your time. Yeah. I'm like, Laura, get the fuck out of the bath. I have, and I know I said we wouldn't talk too much about shit on this podcast, but this could just rename the podcast. Just talking about shit. Talking about shit.

Two dads and shit. But, yeah, I think back to when we first started dating and, you know, if you had to go to the bathroom, you'd like run the tap, might play music on your phone. Wait, can I ask you a question about that? Because obviously from The Bachelor. Yes. Would you consider that the dating? run the tap might play music on your phone wait can i ask you a question about that because obviously from the bachelor yes would you consider that the dating or after when you got out that's when because i mean obviously with the bachelor as we see it well as myself common folks see it

they live in a separate house i can't it's kind of like that gray period where it's not really dating but then after the show there's maybe like six months where you get to see each other. Secretly. Secretly. Cause obviously you don't want to give away the outcome of the show. So we will be like a weekend trip in a random house in like the blue mountains. Okay. Where it's actually really quiet.

So you could hear each other shit. Literally. And cause we couldn't leave the house at all. We were locked in on home arrest, house arrest. So if you're doing your shit, you'd put toilet paper on top of the toilet to soften the – you'd do everything to mitigate any kind of sound, leaving the bathroom and letting the other person go. Especially a woman.

I mean, I feel like for a man, like we, it's kind of like. We can still, like a fart's not going to be. It's kind of like men's shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? It is what it is. We're very utility. Okay.

But like women, they kind of like have to hide that. Like we don't. Two things for me on this. One, I used to have a friend who said that if he ever heard his girlfriend shit or fart around him, he'd straight up dump her. I know. Like no ifs or buts. No ifs or buts.

How old at this point? Oh, look, in 20s. Yeah. Not teenage shit. Yeah. If he's 16, fine. That's crazy. That's crazy talk.

So if he loves Caroline and she goes. It's like you, yeah, it's like you obviously fell in love with Laura. That's great. And then she just let one slip out get pack your stuff and get the fuck out of my house call channel 10 i didn't sign up for this why did you and laura break up well well after mexican she let one slip yeah so that's one thing i've got and then i've got another this guy i wouldn't call him the previous one i wouldn't call him my close friend i don't want to associate with people like that because i feel like that's unreasonable oh yeah i'm disgusted but they don't need to be told to leave i don't encourage a fart in front of no the opposite person but if it happens hey that's fine

and the other one was like, this guy's now wife. So for the whole time they dated, she only pooed when he was asleep. What? I know. Anyway, it was. So she'd have to wait for him to like nod off and then she'd go, great, out of the bed. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah so it's like

and it was that's not sustainable it was on an ongoing joke with my group of friends that this was still occurring still occur i don't know it could still be occurring that's crazy so that's two ends of the spectrum there like i mean i have flashbacks to when I was like 17 and I'd be at a girlfriend's house and I'd have stomach cramps from holding in farts for so long. And I remember leaving one time to walk back home and I literally was four steps out the door and just. And you're walking down. But those days are long gone.

Now, Laura will do a poo with the door open. Wow. Is that? You heard it here first. Not to put Laura, you know. Well, you just did. She's like, what are you going to talk about on your podcast? I'm going to tell her.

I don't know. I'm going to ring her up and be like, hey, shut the door when you do a shit. Yeah. Just hang up. You're disgusting. As an anonymous caller. Wow. And so at Rockhampton, you've obviously been put in a situation where you're.

Face to face with the other person doing a shit. Yeah. Eye contact? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She'd just, I'd like walk past and she'd be staring right at me with like a small grimace on her face. And I'm like, are you doing a shit right now? And she'd be like, yep.

I'm like, Laura right all right please when people think about you know the memories from a family holiday for me on top of that list is making eye contact with my wife as she does a poo it's scarred and yeah is it a mental scar for every other holiday but now i kind of think it just brings us closer together. It does a little bit. It's like childbirth almost. It's in the same realm. Well, you're already up to your elbows in shit with kids. Yeah. You're just covered in shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who am I to judge? Oh, exactly right. I think like for April and I early on, same thing, like so petrified for me to know that she pooed or farted or whatever. And like, yeah, holding in your farts for like X amount of time can not be good for you. Oh, yes.

I read that they absorb into your intestines i'm no doctor so i mean don't go out there and quote this to other people not a reliable source no no i heard that uh your burps are essentially farts yeah because they absorb, right? Yeah. Again, I'm not an abuser. I don't know if this has ever happened to you. In my head, I was like, we're not going to talk about shit from the get-go. Yeah. But this one involves- There's levels of shit, though. This one's pretty clean in terms of, like, the shit bar. Yeah.

This morning, racing out the door to go to daycare. Do your kids go to the same daycare? Yes. Or do they go two different? No, same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm at two. What are you doing?

Oh, look, one of them's, like, free. Oscar's a bit older. That's what you're doing. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Savvy. So, I'm racing to get the kids ready this morning. Marley doesn't normally do a morning poo. Normally, it makes perfect sense. So I'm racing to get the kids ready this morning. Marley doesn't normally do a morning poo. Normally it's after dinner.

Are they on routine already? Yeah, pretty much. You are truly the best dad. I mean, I don't know what I've done to create this routine, but this morning she broke routine, did a morning poo, for some weird reason always asks me to wipe her bum, happy to oblige, wiping her bottom. And it's a really strong smelling shit.

Like if you could give me the one smell that comes to mind. It was like a meaty red wine stew. Yeah, it was in the bathroom. It was thick. The air was thick. I walked in there and i was like holy shit marley's like what this beautiful petite little girl has just done like the strongest meat here smelling shit you've ever smelled yeah i wanted like one of the boys did literally like on a sunday morning after drinking like 12 beers. That sucks, eh? And then I wiped it, got it ready.

And then I was like, man, that smell is just, it's lingering. I was like, I put the extractor fan on, still there. I'm in the bedroom putting their shoes on and I'm like, I can still smell this shit. I was like, maybe my sense of smell is getting better because I'm getting a bit older. And anyway, walk into daycare, I look down and I've just got like not thick, but I've got shit smeared on my arm and I've got shit smeared on my shorts as well.

And I'm wearing like gray, the kind of tracksuit material shorts. You're wearing gray sweatpants? Yeah. so it's like an obvious brown stain and i'm midway to daycare and i'm just like oh that explains a lot i've got shit on me how did you get it on your forearm i don't know like it wasn't like a hectic wipe was it on the inside or the outside okay the logistics of getting shit on the outside of your forearm you what how did you like backhand wipe it i was like i don't know did you wipe it like a backhand stroke i don't know if it may i was thinking

maybe it happened that we were playing before and she like doesn't make any sense okay did she shit in the toilet or shit herself in the toilet okay all right in the toilet but yeah absolute mystery and then i was like i don't know if I tell the daycare teachers, like, hey. I smell like shit. Yeah, just FYI, if you smell any shit, it's me. It's me, yeah. Because I've had an accident this morning with the kids, but I was like, I'll just do a quick drop off. So, what did you do?

I just dropped them off and got out of there. But then also, normally I get- Did you at least attempt to get the shit off you? Not until I got home. Do you not have wipes in the car or something? No, I walked them down to daycare. Oh, okay. Walking distance.

Yeah. So I had no wipes on me. Standard. Leaf? Always. Was it a- Did you have something on underneath it? No.

Oh, man. So I was just walking around Bronte with my daughter's shit on me. Dinking up the neighborhood. And I normally get a morning coffee after I drop the girls off. Not today. No, I did. Oh, my God. What, that triple shot thing?

Yeah, you got the triple shot. You had shit on your sleeve and shit in your pants. Beautiful. I had a similar thing, like not me. Before I had kids, I had a friend and I caught up with him at the pub and it was winter so he had this jumper, but he had the jumper around his like shoulders. Like I was like, fuck, what's that smell?

What's that smell? Anyway, his kids shat themselves on the jumper, but he just grabbed the jumper not knowing and like he's just snuck the pub out like the poor bloke. It was super embarrassing. So like I guarantee you your day, Ken, was like, fuck, Matt you your day can was like is it just me or did matt really stink of shit i feel like as a parent the smell of shit's not too alarming really you're used to it a faint smell of shit you're like oh it's fine i love like prior kids you're like without having kids you're like fuck who shat themselves like it's a

really big deal now it's just like who's poo-pooed i'll ask the question in my head but if i can't figure it out in like five seconds and i'll just move on it's fine it's fine because someone stinks like shit someone needs to clean it up eventually and that leads me to one thing as well where it's like okay who's pooed and usually the one in our house that can talk he's like daddy did and it got me thinking like do you as a parent in your inner monologue refer to yourself as daddy or is that just me so you know how you're like oh daddy's going pooh-poohs because it's you know you try and lighten what it what you're actually doing to your kids oh like daddy's gonna open the door or daddy you'll get it now my whole inner monologue is just me referring to myself as daddy

full dad so i'm both confused and horny just like no one's even in the house and i'm like oh daddy i'll wash that it sounds like kind of erotic it does because i also i play it off with april too daddy's hungry yeah she'd be like did you drink all my water i'll be like daddy was thirsty in the bedroom as well no i reckon if i whipped it out in the bedroom she'd be like get the fuck out you're on the couch because it's just like that different level of creep but if i do it to like everyday situations like daddy's hanging the laundry out yeah there's probably a good chance i'll get a laugh out of it you know what laughing leads to sexy time yeah well played

so yeah so i wanted to ask you there's a bit of scenario happening at our family at the moment this sounds quite serious it's serious man it's serious stuff i mean what are your thoughts on using your kids to gain more friends? Straight off the bat, totally fine. Totally fine. Yeah, I mean, kids take enough from us that at some point I think it's totally fair to use them to your advantage. Yeah, and we go back to it's hard to make friends, right? But also, like, I don't want to gain too many more friends. Who's the friend?

All right, so I'll give you the scenario. Please. And what's happened since. Okay. So a couple of weeks ago, two weeks ago, we've got this little park in our complex. And my wife took both the kids out to this tiny little park. It's really quiet all the time. It's great.

Usually, if one of us stays back to clean it, give the house a bit of a spruce up. Love it. Because you can't clean when the kids are in the house. It's fucking impossible. Pointless. I'm packing the toys up, turning around, Oscar's tipping the toys back out. It's just a bit of a spruce up. Love it. Because you can't clean when the kids are in the house. It's fucking impossible. Pointless. I'm packing the toys up, turning around, Oscar's tipping the toys back out. It's just a waste of time.

So she's at the park and there's another kid at the park, similar age to Oscar, which is four, and his dad's there. And anyway, the kids are playing. Okay. And the wife also shows up. She's got a really young baby i'm talking like five weeks old so they're at the park too but the dad sort of engaged with april like hey kids are getting on and physically asked right there and then for my wife's phone number

the wife's there right he's obviously his is there. His wife was there too. And he's the one doing the asking. He's the one doing the asking. Yeah, right. It was like he was trying to gain friends. So anyway, I didn't know, at least I didn't know I'm at home. And April comes in and she's like, this just happened. Okay.

What, did she give the number? I didn't have any choice. I was like, you do. You just say, look, we live a very private life. I don't like to give out my personal number. I mean, it's easy for me to say that than her to actually do it she's like looks behind her this family's there like hey we're moving in yeah fully she was like i saw i panic and straight away i'm like do not drag me into this i don't want any part of this i've just cleaned the fucking house i've just cleaned house. And you come back and you're saying, you've got another man's phone number.

And she's like, no, no, no, no. He wants to get together to have a play date. And it's like, okay, you've just used your kid to swoop in on my wife for starters. But like also, I think that's brazen. The balls on this guy. Yeah. And I was like, all won't maybe he won't message yeah obviously it's like in the moment get the number and look i think it's fine too if you're

at like a community event so for example if both of our kids are playing soccer together or little kickers or whatever they're doing me and you matthew we see each other there week in week out that's strong common ground yeah and it's usually two blokes two women whatever it might be like man and woman like there's nothing wrong with that but also it's like they've never met before yeah this guy could be at a point where like he really needs some help he's trying to find new friends i don't like i said i'm trying to get rid of friends i've got i don't need more yeah. Yeah, I'm full. I'm full up, man. Yeah, I've just hooked up with Matty J. Yeah.

Matty J took the last spot. And it's not because I'm really popular. No, it's like there's only so many friends I can manage. Anyway, so April's come home. I've said, do not drag me into this mess with you. This is your mess. You get out of it. And she's like, I'm'm just gonna have to avoid the

park but it's a complex yeah but there's also many parks near us but she's like and the bad thing is i've seen him in all the other parks before from a distance recognized him because it's a small community there there's all these townhouses it's not everyone knows each other but you sort of see the same people and i I'm like, this is your fucking mess. I said, if he invites us to a play date, no matter where it is, I am not going. And I don't even know the guy. It's just how my brain works.

So anyway, I'm thinking we sort of let it go. And I was like, he might not even call. Or he might say, hey, my kid's having a birthday party. All these people coming over if you're around something like that anyway he texts her the next day that's keen first thing in the morning i'm talking 7 30 in the morning to try and tee up a play date for the following or this upcoming saturday just to reiterate not fucking coming oh yeah i was like you got yourself into this mess, babe. Yeah.

It's all you. Anyways, so for the whole day, okay, April was like, I got to respond. I have to respond. I can't not respond. She's like, I won't be able to sleep. Why didn't she just say, like, oh, I've got something on. Yeah, but then I said, look, that means you're going to have to have something on every week because he's messaged you immediately, okay,

saying let's catch up this Saturday morning. So anyway, as my wife would do, she'd drive to the response, I've got to check it. I was like, just rip the Band-Aid off. Say, this is the wrong number. I'd just be like. Did you not want to say, hey, let's just go down the park a couple of meters from the house in the complex? Well, yeah.

I think the message said something like, oh, hey, really nice to meet you. If you're free on Saturday morning, we can get the kids together at this particular park that's nearest. It's got a name. Just to confirm, he has a wife. He has a wife. And she was there. She was there. He has a wife.

And she was there. She was there. But weird to like, obviously not to say that men and women can't be friends, but it's weird that the wife didn't initiate that. Yeah, I don't. Look, personally, if it's me, I'm avoiding all eye contact with the part. Oh, yeah. If I see a guy there that I've seen heaps and we're both pushing on the swing, it's hey, hey, man.

That's as far as it goes. That's about it. Yeah. So I've said to April, I'm like, look, you can rip the Band-Aid off now. It's done. We can avoid him for the rest of our lives or move. Like that's the option. Or you could do it.

But I said if you go to one, you've straight up set the precedence that you're willing to go to these play dates. Next thing we'll end up at birthday parties, christenings, Christmas. And then I'm going to get sucked into it. The whole day she's trying to come up with a response. We eventually came up with a response with something like, hey, sorry, can't this Saturday. See what next week looks like?

Yeah. We finished it off with a thumbs up emoji. Like bang. What was the intent with the thumbs up just to be like i think it was like you didn't want to leave it with no emoji we tried like we tried nice try nice try loser but we got too many friends we got enough friends i should say anyway so saturday comes along it's not gonna have a really really story. Like, you look on your face and it's like, this is going to be good. It's not. We just spent all of Saturday not going to the parks that we usually would.

So, look, my thought on it, and I was like, I wonder what Matt's going to think about this too because, I mean, you're in the area. You've spent a lot of time with the kids because Laura's just a go-getter. You would get approached. I've been the other guy. Oh, you've been trying to find friends. I'm not going to lose that.

Don't do it. Down at Bronte Park, a few times I've seen Andrew Johns with his daughter. Oh, yeah. You know. Yeah, okay. He's an immortal. You want to attach yourself to people who are going to live forever. Yes.

That's it. And his daughter's the same age as Marley and, you know, like I kind of was like ushering her to go on the swings when she and Andrew Johns' daughter was on the swings. And then guess what daycare his daughter goes to? Yours. Same as Marley. It's meant to be.

And I'm yet to. Show up. Here we go. Go on. Because if he becomes your friend, he also becomes my friend by default. And that's non-negotiable for him. That's too bad for you. Two for one deal.

Yeah. Because that also gets us closer to Matt Johns. We all know what you like with the Johns. So go to kindy, dress the kids up in Newcastle nights. Straight in. Come on, girls. It's number seven on the back. Well, we had a scenario where one Friday afternoon we had like a little fish

and chips on like the grass area at the beach. We saw his daughter and they get along like really, really well. And I was like, this is it. It's Friday afternoon. I've got a couple of drinks in the Esky. Beautiful. Fish and chips, nice and relaxed, perfect environment to like begin the friendship.

And annoyingly, she was with a babysitter. He wasn't around. And it was heartbreaking. Did you knock her out? And, yeah, I was like, where is he? Where is he? Get him down here now. And she's like, I don't know where he is.

You're hurting me. So we're yet to start the friendship. He's probably listening right now. If he's listening. Being like, I had no idea. I had no idea. I'm actually a really big fan of yours. I was just afraid to come up.

Andrew, just talk to me. I'm just like any other guy. I'm one of you. I'm very much using my child as bait to make a new friendship. You're not going very well. You know what? Look, I think if it's someone like Andrew Johns, yeah. But, like, how would you feel if Andrew Johns walked up to you?

You know what? It'd still be okay. Yeah. It'd be like. If he was if Andrew Johns walked up to you? You know what? It'd still be okay. Yeah. It'd be like. If he was like. Babe, babe, give him your number. He didn't ask. He didn't ask.

Just give it to him anyway. If I looked over and Andrew Johns was trying to kiss my wife, I'd be like. Do it, babe. Do it. Lean in. More time. Totally fine with it Does that mean

If you kiss an immortal You're also immortal Oh yeah I'd be next in line I'd be like Well come here big boy Come here Daddy wants a kiss

Daddy wants a kiss Andrew Do you reckon his wife Calls him Andy Oh no for sure And we could go on about Andrew He's the greatest Animal player of all time I've just seen the time

It is time. I'm sorry to say, if anyone is still listening at this point, probably just that one guy who's been trying to get your wife's number at the park. He's talking about me for sure. Yeah, he's like, fuck. He's like, I've done what I set out to achieve. Now I'm embedded in their relationship. Oh, one listener.

It's great to have you here. But that is the very first episode. It could be the only episode. Could be. Yeah. Logistically. We could listen back and go, well, that was absolutely terrible. Let's never do that again.

I think when people see that I'm talking into a sock, they're going to think this is not the place for me. Yeah. Once I saw that sock, hard no. I don't want to know where this is going. Yeah. But we don't know. Hey, if you do want another episode, I mean, I'm pretty needy.

I've noticed. Let me know. For sure. If people want to hear another episode, they want to hear us ramble on about shit. One thing that we will do for episode two, I think there will be an episode two. We'll try and do this every week. We don't know if there is going to be and you've just committed to us every week. Yeah.

Okay, great. Hang on. Just let me quit my job. Yeah. We will, obviously, two of the best dads in the country, two of the most doting dads. We're here at your disposal for any parents out there who may have some questions.

We'll caveat that and say that Ash and I don't come from a place of great knowledge. No, I'm just getting by. They always say you're either thriving or surviving and i think i am definitely surviving treading water just keeping my chin above exhausted yeah gasping for air but if you have any parenting questions please send it through to ash or myself on instagram or tiktok we could start our own Instagram, Two Doting Dads. Two Doting Dads. We've got to check it's available,

but if it's available. Check. If it's not us, ignore. If it's a photo of me and Ash, that's a follow. That's us. Yeah. Throw in a couple of questions next week.

If we come back, we'll answer them. But also, if you do enjoy the episode, Apple Podcasts, little review. Like, subscribe, download it. If you didn't like it, fuck off. If you didn't like it, you're the problem,

not us. But that's it. That's it. Thanks for listening. Thank you so much. We'll see you next week. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional

custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea, and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.