Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Daycare Drug Mules

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

Ash has resorted to morning frisk searches with Oscar to make sure he's not smuggling any contraband (toys) into daycare. Even with these elevated security measures, the little deviant is managing to get the good stuff out the door. Matt's realised he's become a top-shelf lame dad as he's started tracking his sleep with his watch. Wait it gets better.. he now tracks his heart rate during sex. Ash has a parenting hack (he's adamant it's a style and not a hack but it's definitely a hack) called competitive parenting, which he picked up from another doting dad. We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: Do dad's purposely take 30min poos to get away from the kids? During birth, did you stay up “the safe” end or did you watch everything?   Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Tell me lie, tell me, tell me lie. Definitely need to do a music video. Oh yeah, we'll still get that one. Oh no, no, you can't describe. Tell me lie, tell me, tell me lie. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. My name is Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about parenting.

It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And if you have come here hoping, wishing that you may get some level of advice... No chance. No, no, sorry. But if you want to laugh at two dads who keep making mistakes,

then get comfortable. Yes, absolutely. Settle in for... I don't know how long this episode is going to go for at this stage. Settle in for, I don't know how long this episode is going to go for at this stage. Settle in for chaos. I've got nothing to say. I'm just going to let Matt do this one. I'm just going to nod politely for the next hour.

Was Ash's mic not turned on? No, he was just having a bit of a downer day. He was just nodding. Just a nothing but nodding. What do you mean? As we were walking back from a little coffee run this morning before we started recording, a lady in a pram, as we were passing her, she just looked at us, gave us a smile and said, I love the podcast.

I know, yeah. And we're like, didn't know what to say. Thank you. Yeah, I was like, oh, I'm going to mention this on the podcast. Didn't even grab her name. That's the first time it's ever happened. For you. All, I was like, oh, I'm going to mention this on the podcast. I didn't even grab her name. That's the first time it's ever happened. For you. All right, you legend.

Big dog over here. I've got a lot of fans, man. Nah, it's happened to me once in the shop. Once or twice in the shop. And someone's actually said, oh, like, I love the podcast. Great. How did you respond? I was like, fuck off, you peasant.

No, I was like, obviously very grateful. Like, that's great. I love that. I'm just waiting for someone to come and be like, fuck off, you peasant. No, I was like, obviously very grateful. Like, that's great. I love that. I'm just waiting for someone to come and be like, your podcast sucks, you dickhead. No one thinks you're funny, you fuckwit. It'll happen. It'll happen.

The train's on the way up and we're enjoying the ride. I actually had a guy say to me, he's a friend of a friend, and he said to me after a few beers and a bit of banter because we went for opposite football teams. He said to me, I thought you'd be funny when he met me. Okay. He said, I thought you'd be funny, my wife, and I thought you'd be funny, but you're obviously not. And my mate chimed in and said, you're one of those guys who asked comedians to tell them a joke, aren't you? Yeah.

Because what am I supposed to be funny all the fucking time? No. Who is this person? Someone did say, there's a funny aren't you? Yeah. Because what am I supposed to be funny all the fucking time? No. Who is this person? Someone did say there's a funny one between you and me. It's definitely you. I don't know.

I'm the sweet, loving, kind one. But they said I'm not going to mention who is the funny one. I'm just going to leave it like that. We're going to stoush it out.

Yeah. Who's the funny one? They also said that I swear more, which was a surprise to them, which I think is true. Yeah, look, I do a lot under my breath. Yeah. I'm very good at hiding. Yeah, you've really dialed back the swearing.

Yeah. Who the fuck are you? I'm maturing. I wonder if roles will become reversed, like in six months' time, hopefully we're still here. You'll be the pisshead and I'll be the athlete. Yeah. I doubt it. come reverse like in six months time hopefully we're still here you'll be the piss head and i'll be the athlete yeah and you're there like i loved all your dms i can't i'm trying to just do the odd one so people like they're like oh my god ash responded and it feels more special i'm more of

that sort of person where i treat you mean keep keen do you know what you're needy guilty yeah and this will make it sound like i'm just trying to toot my own horn here ash which is not the case once an episode's okay but someone messaged us on two doting dads and asked for help on how to use an editing app called splice and i was like send me a photo of the problem. And I troubleshot the problem. I'm now like IT support. Oh, my God, yeah, tech support for all the listeners. Because that's what we fucking need to do. Don't encourage it because you're just going to get people.

No, it's a community. I'm building the community of people. And, hey, if you need help with your computer, if you need help with editing a video. No, come this way. This guy. Hey, don't know what to cook for dinner? Ask me.

That's all right. I don't mind that. I would like to see that because I would. No matter what this way. This guy. Hey, don't know what to cook for dinner? Ask me. That's all right. I don't mind that. I would like to see that because I would. No matter what the request, I am here to help. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, I'm not. Okay.

No, and that's fine. That's fine because people know that. They message us saying. I already set the standard. They already know that you're not reading the messages. I know. I love the start of the message. It's like, obviously, this is not for Ash.

that you're not reading the messages. I know, I love the start of the message. It's like, obviously, this is not for Ash. No, look, I'm the more interactive in person sort of one. Yes. I don't know. I don't know what I am. I don't know what I am. Matthew, Betterbeer,

they've been running competition all through July finding Bitcoins in cans. Have you found a Bitcoin and just not told me? Yes, I have, but we'll talk about that later. In addition to that, though, there's actually a third Bitcoin. There's three? There is three. Three getting round.

This third one's a bit more of a lottery. So if you buy a BetterBeer from any participating bar throughout July, you'll receive a scratch card with a unique code. Now, Matthew, all you need to do is upload the information from that scratch card into the winner Bitcoin page at betterbeer.com and presto you're in the draw question for you ash could i enter let's say like six times in a day is that possible no you can only enter once a day for the month of july and i didn't even know

that you could do this through a bar i thought it was just a can so i'm just at home cracking open cans so now you're gonna have to have like one beer at home then one in the pub yeah because that's my that's me answering every day it's an investment I'm not doing it because I just love the taste of better beer I'm doing it because I want to deposit for a house absolutely and of course they've created a tap locator on their website so if you go to betterbeer.com.au forward slash pages forward slash win a Bitcoin Australia. Now we do have to say that if you live in the states of South Australia, ACT or NT, you picked the wrong states to live in. Move immediately. They are the nanny states and you can't be involved.

For everybody else, good luck. You look a little bit tanned today. Been in the sun? Been out and about? No. I tried to surf yesterday but honestly motivation levels were low yesterday and i did tell you that it happened again yesterday what you shoot yourself no no no no no no no the paper bag incident oh

it's fuck this one because like i just ducked in to get dinner stuff for the week. One beautiful paper bags worth. Middle of the shopping center. And I heard it go before I could stop it. And the handle just went straight off and it fucking spread out everywhere. What, like you heard the strain of the paper? It went boom. I imagine that's what it would have sounded like on the sub that was going down to the Titanic.

Yeah. Just that moment of it's about to fucking happen. Implosion. Yeah, next thing. And this, look, arguably this is worse than the submarine. Oh, I don't know. I'd say on par. On par.

What did you lose grocery-wise? Because you didn't even fucking pick them up. No, I did in the end. You did, okay. Honestly, deep breath in it was. Sigh, hands on knees. Defeated man in the middle of a shopping centre and not one motherfucker helped me pick this shit up.

Why would anyone help you? That's fair. No, I mean, like, you just... If you had a child in arm, then it warrants some help. I'm just a guy carrying his groceries. Let me ask you this. If you saw a young man on his hands and knees trying to reach for the pasta and the sauce

and there's an apple that's rolling away, would you stop and help? Absolutely. Fuck off you would. I'd probably take a photo of him. Like, look at this sad motherfucker. Yeah, pathetic. But I carried it it i just literally stacked it up put it back in the bag but carried it like i was carrying like a like a dead body did you did you just did you get home walk inside your house and then just start

crying well it was fuck because i just got off the phone to you and I was telling you how much of a sad boy day I was having. Just a little Monday, sad boy day. Was it the fact that Manly keep losing every game? I don't want to talk about that. No, hang on a minute. We beat the Roosters just. It was a roller coaster of a game and then we lose to the Cowboys. Cowboys are red hot at the moment.

So, fair enough. I'm not that upset about it. Honestly, I don't remember most of the game because i was hammered but yeah look it's just a bit of sad boy monday then i had to get back in the car and ring you up and tell you to happen again because it was sad the hardest thing about those phone calls from you the fact that we're so far apart you know we're a 50 minute drive and come and hug me and all i want to do is just have you in my arms hold you tight that's cute and whisper in your ear it's gonna be okay actually i wanted to this is completely off topic but it's back on topic of parenting um what is it now do your kids

try and take their toys to kindy? Oh. Why? They've got a whole kindy full of them. I get that they want to show it off. I get that. Totally. And we got an email. Like, the community got an email.

Not just like, hey, Oscar. Reply all. Reply all. Ash, can you fucking sort out your kid? He's not stealing toys. He's actually bringing toys in and leaving them here. Because what's your policy there with the daycare? Do they give you like any instructions on what you can and can't bring?

They're just like, don't bring your toys. And that's a fair call because, you know, then they get possessive over their toys. There's fights. Like Oscar, he's left toys there before. And then it's a big big drama we get home and then it's like some other kids taking it home there's nothing worse shits me to tears when it comes time to putting the kids to bed and marley will be like where's my unicorn and she's left it at daycare and then always wants the one that she's got like fucking 10 toys on rotation and it's just always the one that she wants which isn't in the house

yeah oscar when he was a little bit younger used to sleep with every toy he owned and i will She's got like fucking 10 toys on rotation and it's just always the one that she wants, which isn't in the house. Yeah. Oscar, when he was a little bit younger, used to sleep with every toy he owned. And I will find this photo for you of his cot. There's no room for him in there, but he insisted. And he had every single one and he used to line them up like perfectly. I've seen on stories on Instagram, he gets his little like cars and he lines up his cars. Was he doing that in the cot? In the like with the cars with cars everything so he's not going for like a teddy bear he had the teddy bears in there too they have their own section i'll find the photo for

you april definitely has a photo because we were like we need to stop because it just he just kept accumulating more he's a hoarder he was a hoarder in the bed and then eventually we were like okay you can have one or two and like now he has one or two when he goes to bed but the going to the kindy he wants to take something he's like can i take this no can i take this no and april and i don't line up on the yes and no sometimes because it's so hard you want to take the path of least resistance yes as some he'll play us off each other now where he'll be like Clever Mummy said I can And I'm like did she Well mummy is not in charge

And April's in the back going Yes I am Definitely I'm in charge But it's got to the point Where I have to frisk My own kid Before letting them Into the kindy

Metal detector I'm like What the hell is this I'm doing the pat down And yesterday He got away with one That bothered What did he get? So he had a kinder surprise toy

And what he's done is He's deconstructed it And separated it into different pockets So it wasn't You couldn't tell And then when I picked him up In the afternoon He was like

Look what I've got And I was like So you've had that in your pocket all day He's just like stashing these up his rectum. He's going to go to the toilet. Yeah, he's like pooping it out. Let's hope it doesn't burst. Anyway, it's going to be a really good drug meal when he's older.

I'm always like in the morning, whatever the kids want, I'm pretty shit and disciplining yeah well there was an email that was saying hey stop letting your kids bring their toys to kindy sorry or to daycare or whatever i can't remember what i said but look that's fair but it's just another battle yeah first of all they're stealing toys now he's trying to why are you trying to make life so difficult for me my kids are the same and they have kind of said at my day stealing toys. Now he's trying to... Why are you trying to make life so difficult for me? No. My kids are the same and they have kind of said it in my daycare.

I'm sure it's the same everywhere. Like you said, we don't want their personal toys being brought in because it just kicks off. It does, yeah. Because kids don't understand. Everybody wants to share. But they also say, like, I don't know if your kids do this too, Oscar says another kid's name.

It's like, oh, he's allowed to bring his toys in trying to convince you to let him gosh they're clever aren't they gosh they're clever no they're not they're fucking stupid we've been over this but they're also like they're also got a little clever piece about them marley and lola now bring a second bag filled with shit filled with their toys so they don't just bring like little knickknacks like one or two they bring a full second bag which i try and like hide as just being a bag of maybe spare clothes because you get where we go to daycare there's a little like a little shelf with buckets where the kids put their bags and then as i drop her off i try and like i pray that lola doesn't

open that second bag full of toys whilst i'm still there because I don't have to. So you're helping them? Yes, I'm complicit in this. I'm the enabler. You're helping them actually smuggle. Yes. Contraband into this tiny little prison. It's not even smuggling in the sense of like someone strapping heroin to their legs.

It's someone literally like with a bag of heroin walking through the airport that's the type of smuggling that they're doing just going through the security and i just try and i just try and dump them there as quickly as i can and then i'm out get out of there and it's always but then it's when i pick them up and i'm like oh got your water bottle got your bag and they're like and this is yours and this is yours and this is yours yeah oh how did that get there oh oops oh you know what we talked about they'd be doubling you into they'd be like daddy let us do it oh yeah yeah and it's hard i don't want to say like don't tell anybody secrets are bad i know and that's it i like i said i've caught april sneaking chocolate the kindy. I just know that she's letting him sneak toys in and being like, don't.

Because there's times I've opened his bag and seen one of his toys in there thinking that we didn't send him with any toys. And April has taught him how to sneak things in. April is. She's a bad parent. No, she's not. Just full disclosure so that I can continue to have sex in my household. She is not a bad parent.

She is fantastic. She's great. Also, babe will be home soon. Ash, one thing I've realized about becoming a dad is it's not a matter of if it's when you become a loser uh immediately yeah i know yeah that's actually very true because men have this thing where we get stuck at a certain point and it's just when do you hit that certain point that you get stuck and you don't become continue on with being relevant.

Is that where you're going? No, I was going to say it's more so I'm just the things that I'm into now. Yeah. Sometimes I stop myself at nighttime and I look in the mirror and I'm like, fuck, it's happened. I'm now a loser. I'm a loser of a dad and I should fight it, i'm just gonna go what is it i'm gonna go with the time okay so i mentioned it the other day i stayed up last night till midnight to wank what no i wish i was watching rex hunt fishing videos on youtube is this after you found out the rex

he's getting really old yeah but i was i was up till midnight watching old fishing videos and I was enthralled. I was like, oh my God, look at the barramundi. Now you're a fish expert. I dream of- Have you ever caught a fish? Fuck you. Legit question. That's such a patronizing question.

That's such a like- No, I'm serious. Look at me. Look at these hands. You haven't. I've caught a flathead before. I've been on fishing trips. Yeah? And as I mentioned, becoming at me. Look at these hands. You haven't. I've caught a flathead before. I've been on fishing trips. Yeah.

And as I mentioned, becoming a loser. Yes. Sorry. As am I. And also now as well, I'm not wearing it at the moment, but my watch tracks my heart rate. That's so boring. And what I really like doing, I'm quite into it now i i wear it at bed

and i track my sleep so i wake up and for me for what purpose i don't fucking know nothing really but i wake up you can look back at it and then tell people literally i tap laura on the shoulder i'm like can you believe i've got it's official you're've got two hours of deep sleep and only 1.5 of REM sleep. You're like, look at this, fellas. And everyone's like, Kalei's like, no one. I'm yet to meet someone. Who's interested. Who's interested when I tell them the story about my breakdown

of how much sleep and what level of sleep it was at. But I love it. I just fucking love it. And my watch told me the other day that my resting heart rate has dropped five beats. So because I'm doing a bit of exercise at the moment. And don't look at me like that. God help me get through this.

But I've started tracking my heart rate quite a lot. And recently, a couple of nights ago, Laura and I had sex. Oh, yeah. And I thought to myself i wonder what you wanted deep stats that was a good performance you know when you're watching like nrl and it's got like the intensity you're like i wonder whose intensity is yeah i'm like secretly wanting to put like a heart monitor on laura you could have put in a bit more effort there babe

You really slacked off in the last few minutes Oh yeah, we're going to analyse your performance We're going to come up with a plan of how to improve your performance Based off these insights I got up to 80, 80 beats per minute There you go, 80 pumps per minute Yeah, I wish You're like a fucking rabbit and laura came

back from the bathroom and she was like what are you doing because i was engrossed right after too oh you're like let me just look back on that let me just check um she's like oh my god you're not you're not tracking your heart rate i think you just went, boop, end exercise. There was a bloke who found out, he got found out for cheating. Through the Garmin app? Through, yeah. He was like an Apple watch. And I think she must have been on the iPad and it showed that he had these spikes at like one in the morning

when he was on business trips. Oh, my God. Yeah. He could have just been peaking. That's a shit way to get found out, but you could easily weasel your way out of that. Idiot. Idiot.

But yeah, so I'm getting up to 80 beats per minute. I'd love to know if anyone out there is getting more than that. No, we don't. Share your stats. We want to know. What position was it? Ew.

It's a community, Ash. How many beats per minute do you get when you're having a wank i haven't tracked that one yet yeah it wouldn't be much it wouldn't much i'm pretty quiet how many steps do you think you think you're doing in the middle of the night i'm doing this for laura not for me that's at the end of the day i'm just trying to be i can't wait to see the spreadsheet and the graph we do an end of month catch up i feel like to get anything done in my house i've got to yell yes why are they like this

because your kids hate you all right that right. I got the answer I needed. Let's wrap this up. Do you find that you, to get anything done, they just don't fucking listen to me? Yes. Unless my voice is at peak optimum screen. I, many times, have watched something on social media which very much encourages the gentle parenting narrative. You know, like don't raise your voice.

Kids don't like it. Just gently hit them. And I've tried it, dude. I've tried it. Especially where I lose my temper would be the nighttime and coming out of that transition from finishing dinner to then going into the shower that's what i find really really difficult yeah and it's always a case of i have to say like get in the shower now until the kids are startled yeah and they kind of go like

oh dad's really getting cranky i better do it now and i said to abel i feel like i spend the most of my life yelling. And I've tried, like as well, I've tried to get down to their level, do that whole thing. And I just find that I'm yelling at their level. I'm like down there on my knees like, I'm going to count to three before I fucking lose it! That's where I'm at.

And I'm counting like one! Like so that there's no, they can't hear anything else in the house. That was like 60% of the height. Fucking scaring me. That I've got to yell. And Macy... What do your neighbours think? Do you ever see them? They've moved out.

No, because she's way worse than me, our neighbor. Oh, so it's just everyone's just... Everyone's just yelling in the whole complex. Great. But it's like you try to get down to their level and go, hey, can you please take your clothes off and get in the bath? No, no, no. Even now, if I talk like that they don't even like look at me they don't acknowledge my

sentence at all like it doesn't even is it us do you think i don't it's definitely not well even i'm perfect am i the problem no yeah i don't know what it is but is it like you've got to figure out what type of parenting style your kid actually listens to is that what it is and is it like you've got to figure out what type of parenting style your kid actually listens to is that what it is and we're just like we just go straight from we'll try it for one second and if it doesn't work for one second i feel like maybe if the child is really shy like marley and lola are both pretty like they're pretty wild they're pretty outgoing yeah feel like you've just got to really make a fucking racket for them to listen yeah because a friend of mine i think's figured it out i've done a little bit

of testing and it doesn't work so you're doing what science experiments with the kids yeah so we talked about the other day threatened parenting yep which is my favorite because it usually gets it done but they're seeing through it a bit yeah but i had a friend over a couple of weeks ago he listens to the pod shout out to minnows he'll love that he's come up with a new type of parenting called competitive parenting and i've mentioned it to you before but i've been doing i said i need to do some tests first because what happened was he had his kid over, same age as Oscar, maybe a little bit younger.

And I witnessed him essentially get his kid to do anything he wanted to do. And I was like, that's fucking amazing. How did you do that? And he was like, just make everything a competition, especially with a boy. His kid was sort of sitting here annoying him. Give me an example. So, okay, kid was here annoying him where

me and him are trying to have a conversation you know they're like they don't get it they're just talking and he was like why don't you go in the trampoline he goes i bet you that i can jump higher than you on that trampoline and that kid was bam straight into the trampoline and i was like that's great i think that could be a boy thing i want you to try it on the girls okay anyway so same day and the biggest battle that you have with your kids is trying to get them to eat dinner yes why i don't know why i can prepare anything for them and they won't fucking eat it even if it's their favorite thing but then as soon as like dinner's gone they're're like, I want a snack. But trolls. Anyway, so he was there.

We got the kids dinner and whatever. They all sat down and I went upstairs to sort of get Macy's room ready and come back down. And both of my kids had eaten all of their food. And I was like, what did you do? How did you do it? Teach me how you did this. And he was just like, I ate it.

He was like, I made it a competition. I was like, what do you mean? He said, I said that I can eat way faster than you. I can eat way more than you. And they just gobbled that shit up. Have you gone from a yeller to a competitive? No, I'm still yelling. I've tried it a few times

and I've noticed April sort of caught on to it too. She's like, I can get in the bath first. Straight up there into the bath. So it's working with a few things, but I want to ask you, because you've got two girls. I want you, so next episode, just maybe between now and then,

you give it a go. Just try it for dinner time. Tell me what it's going to be like next week and if it worked or if it was a go. Just try it for dinner time. Tell me what it's going to be like next week and if it worked or if it was a disaster. But I'm trying to figure it out because I'm sick of fucking yelling. But I feel like I'm sure it'll work for a week and then the kids will understand what I'm doing.

They're like, actually, there's no prize at the end of this. This motherfucker is trying to con me they're not that smart no mine are well that's why i'm asking you to give it a go i'll do it i've asked you to do it not on the pod and you completely ignored me so now i'm gonna hold you accountable okay give me a week i'll come back next week and i'll tell you exactly how it went and for anyone listening if you've got a different parenting style, other than the normal, like gentle parenting. What else is there?

Also, gentle parenting is fucking boring. You want a bit of spice in your life. You want a bit of spice. You don't want to be like, okay, little Timmy, I'll tell you what you should do now is you should please wash your hands. You want to feel alive when you parent. Yeah, I don't want to have to yell, but like I want to enjoy some of it. I don't want to be like when your parents... Yeah, I don't want to have to yell, but I want to enjoy some of it. I don't want to be like,

gentle parents in public, like, it's a bit cringy. When you talk to your kids in baby voice as a man in public, it's like... Oh, shut up, dickhead. Cringe button. Guilty.

Yes, you are guilty. But anyway, that's where I'm at i'm sick of yelling try it if you've got any other parenting hacks it's not a hack it's a style i'm going with style because hacks could be anything if i want styles it's continuous okay so it's threatened parenting is a great one but you know there's also bribery as a yeah there's also competitive parenting which i've mentioned there's gentle pairing which is boring as fuck what else you got speaking of hacks ash it's time for your favorite segment all right ash i'm going to kick off with the first lie that we've had submitted.

This one comes from Linda, who has messaged us on Two Dirty Dads on Instagram. Which is the best way to contact us because I am always there. It's definitely a previous generation's name. Linda, no she looks quite young, she looks quite young. No one our age is called Linda. I like the name Linda. I'm not, I'm just saying I don't like it. I, if I have a third child, will call him or her Linda.

Little Linda Johnson. Okay, so Linda has a lie. She says, so we generally do off the grid camping. So when it's cold, we give our two boys who are six and four hot water bottles. So when it's cold, we give our two boys, who are six and four, hot water bottles. This winter at home, even though it's heated beautifully, they insist on having the hot water bottles. I tell them I'll do it before I go to bed late at night when it's cooler. Then she fills up the water bottles that's filled with water and place it in their bed.

So when they wake up in the morning, they think they've received a hot water bottle. When in fact, Ash, she just puts in cold water. So you're gaslighting them, really. She says it saves on time and she's also being water-wise. Well. Are you? Are you, Linda? I mean, first point, yeah, you are saving time.

It's the same amount of water. Or maybe because the water's evaporating she's really looking at exact quantities here partially being water wise I think she's probably thinking like she's saving hot water Matthew other than cold water

she says water wise Linda I don't mean to attack you here let's do it no already attacked her name she ends it and says

in the morning they're always so happy and they tell her How warm they've slept With a hot water bottle We've idiots You've just been gaslighted kids If these kids are listening

It's a ruse Six and four Let's hope Let's pray That they're not listening To this podcast Look They've just been

These kids have just been gaslighted That's all that I do sometimes Marley will be like I want to drink a water. And I go, I'll get it in just a second. And I close the door. So, hang on a minute. You're just letting your kids dehydrate.

That's very different. No, because she's just stalling. She's drunk. She's hydrated. She's just finished a bottle of wine. Yeah. She's hydrated. She doesn't want a water. No, yeah. She's just... a bottle of wine. Yeah. She's hydrated. She doesn't want water.

No, yeah. She's just... She's stalling. It's like Oscar's got this thing where he, before going to bed, he's like, Sleep tight. I'm like, oh, no, sleep tight. Sleep tight. Sleep tight.

Sleep tight. So, last night, we were in, we're all in our bed me oscar and april not macy she was fast asleep and it was like okay buddy it's time to go to bed and he's like okay we gotta say sleep tight to me five times i was like okay freak you need to put an end to that it was way more than five times it was like sleep tight walking out the door sleep tight sleep tight sleep tight sleep tight sleep tight sleep tight sleep tight shut up and go to sleep but he's just stalling so yeah look i get what you're saying with the water thing is like he used to do the thing where it'd be like i want to drink a water and his bottle was like

right next to him sippy bottle right next to him. Like, it's right next to him. He's like, can you hand it to me? And it was like, it was just stalling. So, I get it. I told you, mate. They're clever. They know what they're doing.

I don't believe it. Let's go to the second lie. Okay. So, this lie comes from... Go on. Say it. I think it's Alice. That's just a different way to spell Alice.

Elise? Elise. Elise. Let's go. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Elise. I'm. Elise? Elise. Let's go. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Elise. I'm with you. Yeah. Elise. Could be both. Whatever. Alessay. Look, I've wasted enough energy on trying to pronounce that person's name.

Let's just move on. Hey, so the lie I tell my two-year-old daughter is if she is refusing to have her pooey nappy changed, I will tell her the flies will come in the house and get her. First of all, I want to know what you mean by get her. I wonder if she ever sees flies outside

and she's like, oh, it's happening. Traumatized. They're coming. I know. There's all these therapists out there just rubbing their hands together. Can't wait till you're of age and I can get into that little brain of yours and your mother's wallet. There's just like this kid, like, especially if they were at kindy

or something like that and they've clearly done a shit and they just see a fly, they're like, oh, no. It's happening. She wasn't lying it's happening he's getting running away from all these flies

but if you're a parent out there causing any temporary psychological damage to your children with lies trauma we want to know about it

please tell us submit your best lie to two doting dads on instagram and we will incorrectly say your name and reveal the lie just start a segment and just like, and we will incorrectly say your name and reveal the lie. We'll just start a segment and just like,

how do we fuck this person's name up? Please be very specific regarding the pronunciation. Ash, we should do some listener questions. We should do. We'll go with two today, as we always do. Any more, and I think it would be too risky. Any more, I've lost interest. So two's good.

Short and sharp. First question is, I'm assuming this is coming from a female they ask do dads purposely take 30 minute poos to get out of looking after the kids yes and 30 minutes is amateur hour what's the longest poo you've ever taken? My wife still thinks I'm on the toilet. No. 30 minutes is pretty good. Look, it's no good for you to sit there. You get piles. What's piles?

Like hemorrhoids. Right. It's no good for you. But surely just sitting there relaxing in that position is really bad. It's really bad for you. Yeah. Is it? I'm not a doctor, but that's what I was told. But surely just sitting there relaxing in that position is really bad. It's really bad for you. Yeah. Is it? I'm not a doctor, but that's what I was told.

Hang on a minute. I've been lied to. Could be the case. People, doctors were like, we need to fucking battle this issue right now. These men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They really got us with this one. It's the only time and place where you can really get some reprieve from the kids.

Yeah. Like there's, I guess, mowing the lawn is another one where you're like, this is dangerous and it's loud. Kids, get away from me. And no one talked to me for at least an hour. Yeah, I know. That and then like, I'd love to look after you, but I'm just going to do a shit. Paul Rudd sums it up really well in This Is 40 when his missus opens the door

and you're sitting there playing like Scrabble or something. And she's like, you've been in here for ages. And it's like, what are you doing? It doesn't even smell. And she's like, I've been flushing as I go. Bullshit. Have you ever been sprung by April with like your pants already up?

Like you're just sitting on the toilet? No, no. I'm prepared. Yeah. You got to'm prepared. Yeah. You got to stay prepared? You got to commit. Commit. I, look, when she starts to make noises,

like louder and louder noises outside the bathroom, like she's fed up, then I'll go, now is time. Now is time. I better fart so it smells because I didn't do anything. And I just mosey out It's always It's

I get in more trouble If I need to go back And actually And actually do one Yeah like later And she's like again And you're like shit Yes

I'm going back for a courtesy wipe It's It's always an issue When I'm like Resting With my fist On my cheek And you've got a red mark And I've got a red mark and i'm like

oh i can't i've already been in here for so long that i can't go any longer and laura's like what's wrong with your face i don't know resting yeah it's like you get it on your thighs the red mums must do that as well it's not just guys sure that's a mum thing also do you reckon i think they're more like get it done because they just think it's icky no i reckon there's got to be moms out there listening right now who have gone yeah hand up i'm guilty of doing like a fake shit oh surely yeah there would be to get away from the family yeah i think it's fair play it's not just the guys right like we were so like sunday just gone it was like a wet weather day.

It was like nothing happened. We were stuck inside. And it was like three o'clock. April's going to hear this. It's going to get me in trouble. Whatever. And it was like, what time are we bathing and bathing? And she ate bed and blah, blah, blah.

She was like, oh, 10 past six. It was three o'clock. I'm like, three hours. I got to poo. Up to the toilet. And yeah, 45 minutes later, make my way back out. That was a big one, babe. 45 minutes.

Nice. She knows. April knows. She knows. She knows. It's too late now. We're married. So, Matthew, question number two.

She knows. It's too late now. We're married. So, Matthew, question number two. During birth, did you stay up the safe end or did you watch everything unfold, as you will? I very much stayed up towards Laura's head, held her hand and tried to comfort her as much as I could. Oh, husband of the year.

Because I hate blood. You're like, I hate vaginas. I can't stand the sight of blood. You know that show on TV, RPA? And they show a bit of surgery. That to me, I can't watch any of that. My friend is like, he's not a surgeon, but he sits in surgeries. He's like manages the equipment.

And he always tries to show me photos and stuff. I'm like, fuck off, dude. Like, I don't need, I'm queasy. We spoke on this podcast how I got seasick during the ultrasound. Imagine what I'd be like if I went down the wrong end. Did you have a little, did you have like a peak? Did curiosity get the better of you? So, I won't tell you the full story.

Yeah, because we actually, we've spoken about doing an episode of our birthing story. So, we won't reveal everything right now. We'll save that. But continue. Both of that, one was an emergency C-section and one was a C-section. So, there is a safe end. So, with the first one definitely didn't take a look i didn't take a look but one thing i will tell you is that when

we did have to go off to the emergency c-section i did have to step over a large poo on the ground from april sorry babe but we'll talk about that another time. Oh, you're such a teaser. And also, when you do a C-section, they drop a curtain. I was like, put it back up. But I have a friend of mine who went and had a look. I think it was his second kid. He's got three kids. But he told me this story.

And just be mindful, this is not my story. You're hearing it secondhand. and just be mindful this is not my story and you're hearing it secondhand. He took a look at the other end and felt a bit queasy about it and he thought, I'm just going to remove myself from the situation a little bit to the corner of the room

and face the corner to regather. And he's fainted against the corner of the room. So his head's hit the corner, really not that... And then he started to slide down the wall. And the only thing that stopped him from hitting the deck was his knees locked out. He's leant up against the wall like that, passed out.

And the only thing propping him up is his legs. Oh, my God. They're locked into a position. He's just up against the thing. So he's completely fainted. And apparently he was there for most of the time. We'll get to him in a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's like, he's fine. He's propped up against the wall. He's just getting some shut eye. And I will tease you as well, Matthew. Oh, a double tease. Even though we did have two C-sections, the second C-section, I did faint. But they'll save that.

Oh, you are... I am a cocktee. Yeah, Jesus Christ. April's a lucky lady. I'll save the complete story for another time. Next week. We'll try and tell it next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love how you say try. What do you got on? Let me check my schedule. I've got other podcasts to do. More death-related ones instead of birth-related. Let's get out of here, mate. Yeah, thank you, guys. We need to give you a little cuddle.

After what's been a rough couple of days, Ash. Sad boy. My wife was calling me sad boy yesterday because she can just pick up on it. I've been walking around the house with a hoodie on. A depressed teenager. With track pants on? Doing the gritty. What's the gritty?

Don't worry. Let's show your age. Anyway, if you like this episode, don't forget to leave a review. Apple Podcasts, Spotify as well. Follow us on Instagram, 2DotingDads. We would really appreciate it. Actually, someone did write us as a message saying i just left a review when do i get jerked off because remember i promised that i would jerk you off

if you left did you say that i did okay okay did we did we now i've got a long list did we specify that it's only for new south wales residents and not the nanny stage anyway i've got a list of people I need to jerk off. So, I better get on to that. And with that, thank you very much. See you guys. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.