Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Down and Dirty with a Bunch of Blokes in a Van

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

We've loved reading the DM's from listeners - especially from a particular individual who sends us voice messages of his farts each week. Shout out to Dylan! Matt's moved house, which meant he got to roll the sleeves up and get down and dirty with a bunch of blokes in the back of a van. Unfortunately this distracted him from the most important day of the year - Ash's birthday (which he forgot). To make matters worse for Ash, he left a poonami filled nappy in the top drawer of Macy's room, which was then cooked by the sun for the next few hours. He's also now planning a move as their house is more radioactive than Chernobyl. We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: Things to do at home with toddlers that don’t involve screen time? How do you stop the kids eating dry/cat food from the bowl? See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ashton, I want to show you some voice messages. I think we've had multiple from the same guy, Dylan Brown, on our DMs. Dylan Browntown. Can I just... I'm just going to fucking play this for you. Listen to that. What's he just farting into his the last one is he just farting into his phone that's great and just he sent one on the 21st of july one of the 22nd and then He sent the last one yesterday.

Commitment. I like it. Always around 7 or 8 o'clock. At night. So I'm guessing after dinner. After dinner, he's just farting into his phone. welcome back to t-doting dads i'm maddie j and i'm ash this is a podcast that is all about parenting it's the good the bad and the relatable and we have to for legal reasons just tell you right now that legal reasons we've been advised by the lawyers

to say that if there is any information which may seem like advice, it's definitely not. If you do use any information in this podcast for your own personal situation, do so at your own risk. Absolutely. Absolutely. And before we get started, I do want to say, Matthew, I'm very disappointed in you. Why? What is the time?

The time is now 12.45. Yeah. I have been with you for now for nearly two hours today. Yeah. And you have not acknowledged that today, today, my friend, well, actually, you're not my friend anymore. Oh, my friend, well, actually, you're not my friend anymore. Oh, my God. It's my 33rd birthday and you've just completely fucking forgot.

I am sick. And for two hours, I've saved this very moment. So, this will be our last podcast. I'm so sorry. How fucking dare you? You know me. I'm like a child i need this this is what you've done to me i apologize you did buy me breakfast don't no there's only i do i get to decide your punishment

do i get to decide what's my punishment i want you to clean my car the outside of my car in your budgie smugglers today after this recording i'm not fucking joking i think i've got a bucket down in the storage area i'm not joking i've got a which park how far down i'll bring it up i'll bring it right up front and center that'll be my birthday present and your punishment i did have every intention to buy your gift as well. And I want your intentions. Okay. Look, I am fucking sorry.

No, that's all right. I'm sorry. We have been together for a couple hours. Have you not checked your Instagram? I thought there's no fucking way I'm going to be able to get onto this podcast today and go, guess what you've forgotten. I will get you a gift. No, I don't want it.

For next week. All I want from you is to clean my car and your budgie smokeless today. Not a problem. I'll do it. If you're lucky, it's a nice day. I've given you not a bad little, not a bad day for it. Okay. Can I just say.

It needs a wash. It's pretty fucked. I was looking at. In my defense, I've been very busy. I don't fucking care. It's been a busy couple of days. There's nothing- I've moved house.

I'm most important. Yeah, you are. You are the most important person in my life right now. Far the kids and Laura, but I've just moved house. I moved house- Good save. Almost on my own, I'd say. Yeah, I know. Look, i know because you've fucking winched

winched about it for ages and i also did say if you watch our social videos you will notice that the great little setup we had at the old place with the washing line behind me no longer it's no longer there i'm gonna have to get it back no i know i fucking don't even know that washing line is you don't need it anymore it's it's not washing line you have an inbuilt one now we have an inbuilt yeah it's not a hill's hoist though it's not it's not it's it's not the same you can't play goon of fortune on that one but also that one's there's no shade on that one so if it's raining it's fucked we wouldn't yeah anyway anyway we have moved we are no longer in bronte i've gone back to where it all began bondi beach back in the bubble new digs north bondi isn't it north bondi

well yeah we're up this way shit spot we decided ashton to move plan is people think i'm crazy when i say this and it wasn't really. I actually think Laura was the one who instigated it. My mum, it's coming on 73, maybe 74. I should probably know. She looks much better than that, but yes. She's an avid listener, so she'll love that. I know, Ellie's going to love that.

We wanted to get a place where my mum could come down and spend more time with the kids. You're looking for an in-house babysitter. That's essentially what we need right now. wanted to get a place where my mum could come down and spend more time with the kids you're looking for an in-house babysitter that's that's essentially what we need right now so uh so we've moved and i just everyone knows that moving house is fucking awful it's up there with one of the worst things ever no one has ever been enthusiastic you could honestly be like buying a 50 million dollar mansion and be like yeah moving into this mad house but then moving day like, fuck this, let's just stay. I reckon the people who are buying a $50 million mansion

aren't really lifting a finger. I think if I bought a $50 million mansion, I would just leave wife and kids there and I would just be like, I'm not just moving house, I'm moving life now. I made the mistake though. booked we had the removalist coming on wednesday it just it was it made the most sense in terms of like when we have to give the keys back to our old rental to moving into this place the wednesday is when laura does her podcast record and i was like that's fine it'll be sweet you do that i'll look after this got it

dialed worst decision i ever made in my life. It's a two-man job. It's far. It is punishing. Look, I've been in my place now for a year, but like I was saying, I moved from down the road. So all I did was just open the boot, launch things into the back, no boxes or nothing, and drove up the street.

So you didn't have a removalist company? No. You didn't have any help? No. What did you do with your bed? It's still there. I just bought a new bed. You just left it at the office?

No, no, no, no. We just put it on the roof. We did. I had a mate just help me. It's like 700 meters up the road. Because we hit a speed bump and dropped it. And we had to go back for the mattress wait you didn't tie it down nah it was just like we just did mattress on top of the roof and then me and a

couple of boys holding on literally 20k is an hour up the street that's easy did anyone like walking or in another car look at you and think what the fuck is going on nah because i live in a swamp so people are used to that sort of shit it's not north bondi mate where people would be like oh we can't be friends with them can't afford a tie down yeah so like that was just like throw it all in the back of the boot or whatever drive it all up open the garage launch it back in and then just did you have kids at that point this was like a year ago mate so no yeah uh yeah what about the like that's they're at kindy just got it done wow you animal look unlike you i'm a real man i used to work in events ash and like loading up putting pallets on the back of a truck that's what

i did yeah hard work look you know blood doesn't show. These hands. They're pen pushing hands now. They're good for writing emails. Like mine. But also, I was on the back of the bed frame with the fucking boys. Yeah, right. Loading up the truck. We're on the back of the bed frame with the boys. All right, fellas.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Bring it in. All we did was boom, boom, boom, just put shit in. I don't know if they appreciated my help or not. Do you know what? There's probably this inside joke for removalists that are like- The homeowners out trying. The homeowners out here trying.

It's kind of like when you have a handyman in and there's always that- Over the shoulder. Over the shoulder. What are you doing down there? They're probably just like fucking here. They fucking loved it. They'd be calling your uncle behind your back. They loved it.

Look at this uncle. We stopped for lunch, had schmoko. I was like, good day, boys, hey? Almost there. What have you guys got? I've got a fucking sausage roll and a choccy milk and a fucking sticky. When I talk like this normally, and then when I'm with the boys. You bung it on.

I was like, I reckon we try and lift the barbecue after this. Yeah, and then your daughter walks in and you're like, daddy's here. It's okay. You hungry? You hungry? You sleepy? And then to the boys, I was like, yeah, here you go, boys. Where's the job site tomorrow?

Where's the next move, lads? Fuck you. Every man does it. If you're not a tradie and then all of a sudden you're around a tradie for 10 seconds, you turn into like someone else. There was Nick who was in charge of the removal. Nicko. He was, yeah.

He was proper blue collar. Great guy. Great guy. Issue, though. She'll be right. He connected the washing machine, the pipes. You know, you've got a pipe from the washer to the hose tap. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He screwed one side on, and then he goes, it's too short. You're going to need a bit of a longer one. Just go down to Bunnings. You buy a two-meter hose. And I was like, yeah, mate, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. What do you mean? Like, you know, the bloody woo-ha down the bloody white thing.

So I've gone to Bunnings, picked up the hose. Also felt pretty manly being in Bunnings with a hose in hand. It just reminds me of just before you go on, you probably wouldn't have seen it because you haven't watched Park and Rec where Ron Swanson's walking through, like, the Bunnings. And they're like, do you need any help, sir? And he's like, I know more than you. It's like, I picture that. I was opposite. they're like, do you need any help, sir? He's like, I know more than you. I picture that.

I was opposite. I was like, help. Anybody. Help me. I'm lost. Oh, I break a nail. But I got the pipe, came home, went to unscrew the pipe because it was connected to one end to the mains.

Couldn't unscrew it. Oh, you're not manly enough. Had to message Nico. You're all just like manly vocals around the boys, but as soon as it comes to untutting a tap, you're like, fuck. Had to message Nico and be like, is there like a little secret to undoing this? And he's like, mate.

Lefty Lucy. You couldn't fucking do it either. I know, I know. So we have to get Laura in to do it. April will come around. couldn't fucking do it either i know i know so we have to get laura in to do it april will come around she'll fucking do it and the only thing that really sucked was we had an inflatable pool from kmart that was sitting in like i remember it was the mosquito breeding ground like it was full of dengue fever dengue fever dengue yeah dengue fever you had your own swamp. I live in a swamp.

You just had one out the back of your house. So we got rid of the inflatable pool and the tiles are like black. And I was like, I really want to get the bond back. I'm like, screw it. I'm going to get the gurney out. Started gurneying. And now I know that I didn't have the right attachment. So like maybe like about as wide as your finger.

That's how wide the pressure. So imagine it's almost like a Nico. I was doing these pavers with this little attachment i now know you can get like a proper yeah you get big like round thing that just goes yeah yeah and i finished two hours in and i kind of stood back to admire my work how are your forearms today okay do you know what i also did you tried to have a wank and you couldn't. You're like, oh, it's too sore. The hose attachment, because it was really old, it kept popping off. Karcher, so you plug in the hose.

Anyone who hasn't gurneyed before, you get the garden hose, plug it into the unit, and it kept popping out. So I had to kind of hold in that with one hand, gur in with the other with this little head that was like five centimeters wide, doing a huge back patio. Took me hours. I know. You were actually offline for so long yesterday. How is that?

Trying to get hold of you. I even had a nap. I did all sorts of things trying to get – nothing from you. I was like, what the fuck is this guy doing? I finished and I look back at the patio and it looks like shit. It looks so average. It's still black. And people were like, oh, you have to use an acid wash.

Yeah, probably. I don't know. Ring your fucking removalist, your best friend. Nick. Hey, Nick. Help. He'd be like, yeah, you need some acid wash. Oh, yeah, the bloody acid wash.

Yeah, that's right. I'll fucking drink that on a Friday afternoon after work, mate. Have that for smoko. Nick, if you're listening, thank you for your help. Oh, yeah, right, okay. Anyway, anyway, we're here. Was that payment, was it? Just a quick shout-out on two-doting days.

I'm an influencer. A content creator, thank you very much. But, hey, mate, we're here in the new house. It's nice. Thank you. I'm looking content creator. Thank you very much. But hey, mate, we're here in the new house. It's nice. Thank you. I'm looking for defects. Thank you. Oh, we found the...

The creaky floorboard. Where is it? Here it is. Oh, yeah. Sounds like a fart. Sounds like Browntown. Sounds like Dylan Brown. You sound like you've had a great week.

Just want to give you a quick little insight to how my week has been. April, very sick over the weekend. Oh, yeah. Sorry. How is she? She's okay now. She's, oh, well, she's actually not. She's still not great.

What was it? Do they know? No. I think it's just this influenza that's going around. I don't know. Again, not a doctor. Not a doctor. No.

Just a guess. I was like. Finger in the bum. Yeah. That is chlamydia oh yes you're a bit warm up there and macy's had conjunctivitis this week we were on the phone together when you were like oh shit kindy's calling me it's the worst call hey someone actually dm'd us as well as saying like is it the worst when that happens it's been over it a few times i think it's kind of like one you got to stop what you're doing two you got to go pick them up and three still got to pay for it with that phone call when they say you've got to pick them up have you ever been like i can't just nah yeah just leave them out the front they'll work it out i'm good i'm

good i've always been in a situation where i'm like just around the corner or i'm you know working from home but when i like what can, yeah, can you just say. I don't know. I think they just call like the third person. So they'd call, for me, they'd call April, call me, then they'd call Papa because I know Papa picks him up all the time. And Papa would just say, yep. Papa, he is good.

He is good. April's dad. Yeah. Shout out to Papa. Yeah. Anyways. Everyone's sick. Everyone's sick in your house.

Everyone's sick in my house. Have you been sick? No, I'm fucking sprightly. It takes a lot to knock down big old Ashton. Everyone's sick. Everyone's sick in your house. Everyone's sick in my house. Have you been sick? No, I'm fucking sprightly. It takes a lot to knock down big old Ashton. Oh, yeah. I reckon I had about 10 hours sleep in like the four days of last week. Oh, you're such a hero. God, you're a hero.

A couple of big nights out. Went to the Matilda's game. Oh, wait. I thought you were going to say because you've been looking after the kids. Nah. Don't be silly. You've been going out getting pissed. Yeah, I went to the Matildas game.

It was great. How was that? The atmosphere was amazing. One thing I didn't like about it, though, is far too many puffer jackets. There's just a sea of puffer jackets. And you know what? 75,000 people. They could have fit double in that if the people weren't.

They said no puffer jackets. It was like wall-to-wall Gore-Tex, like George Costanza, like stuck in this seat like this. But it was great. I'm all for a puffer jacket. I fucking hate them. That's like I belong with my people. A sleeping bag.

I could tell. I was like. It's like a bunch of people walking around in their sleeping bag. It's ridiculous. Just that love like as they're walking down. Makes me sick. What do you wear if you don't wear a puffer jacket? Absolutely anything.

What is that? I'd wear a fucking burlap sack. Two things that you hate. I wear a potato sack. That don't make any sense because they're very practical. And being a dad is all about being practical. Crocs and puffer jackets. I hate them both.

Two things that you are fighting way too hard. I won't do it to myself. Go with the tide. No. Come and join us. No. Please. No.

When you finally start wearing crocs and a puffer jacket, we will all be there standing outside your house being like, one of us, one of us, one of us. I fucking hope that day never comes. It's going to happen. It's never going to happen. It's not a question of if. It's a question of when.

It's not going to happen. I promise you that. Hey, you were sitting right next to Hamish Blake, the soccer. I wasn't far from him. Did you see him? No. I saw Jim Jefferies. He said to me, with the alumni of comedy.

Just in. Yeah. In the comedic box. What are you doing in there? Ah, don't worry about it. No, it was actually just general admission. That was just GA. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went with a female soccer team. Long story. Can we just say for a second? I get around. Not many people know this about you, Ash. You were previously, I would say, a semi-professional soccer player. That's not even, I'm not even trying to be funny here.

I was not. I wasn't. Who did you play for? What was it? Tweed River? No. Tweed River Crabs? What was it?

Who were they? The Cudgeon Crabs. What was your team called? It was for Far North Coast, New South Wales. It was Far North Coast. What was your animal?? It was for Far North Coast, New South Wales. It was Far North Coast. What was your animal? I don't remember. I don't remember much.

Anyway, can I get back to my story? Or do you want to go on about it? No, no, no. You go. Anyway. So, Macy's been off sick too. Now, the other day, it's been quite nice warm weather. There was a couple of rainy days there.

But on Macy's change table, there's a couple of drawers underneath great perfect nappies in there everything you need so macy did really big shit i'm talking a fucking room clearer someone will walk into that and go whoa that is strong that is subconjunct that with a knife yeah absolutely it was thick anyway so she's done this big poo and i've wrapped it up okay i haven't haven't bagged it yet. Wrapped it up and I've just put it in like the drawer was open. I've just plopped it down. Okay. Just for a sec while I got a new one out. In the drawer.

Yeah, just in the drawer there like that. Got a new nappy right next to where I did it. Wrapped her up with a new nappy, got her dressed and I've just got up, closed the drawer and left. Yeah. I've forgotten. I've forgotten. I've forgotten. It happens. Anyway.

Because you focused on the kid. Yep, yep, yep. So this is her room during the day, faces the sun during winter. So we're out all day. All day the sun is just beaming. Thankfully it's winter. Imagine if it was summer beaming down on this drawer

like a mini kiln like it was just like like the death ray and anyway so I'm out just cooking I'm out

April's been in bed all day in the other room April's at home sick April's at home sick but she's in the other room she's been the other room. I've never seen her like that, bedridden. So eventually we come home, have bath or whatever for bedtime,

and I take her into a room to get dressed at the change table, and I open that drawer. It was already a room clearer. Open the drawer, and it just about punched me in the face. Jesus. I've left a nappy baking in the sun for eight hours and i was like i was like your clothing just disintegrates i was just like oh everyone needs a bath again oh my god and it was just like the pain has been ripped off the walls still in bed and she just hears me going oh oh she's like

what and i told her what i did it was honestly the most putrid thing i had the neighbors must have thought someone had you know fallen like gotten ill died ill and then being there for like 10 days decaying it was like like when you you know when you're like walking down like a bush trail or something you smell a dead animal yes you know that's what it was like but i didn't come out until it's like they've made the drawers to vacuum seal the freshness in yeah the house still stinks it's just baked its way into the top drawer you know when you have those things that you just cannot clean to get the smell that's what the top drawer smells like now are you just is every window open in the house right everything's open fucking ceiling off

i'm trying to air the fucking room out anyway i feel sorry for macy because she had to sleep in it poor little girl musky daddy please you've done this to yourself yeah get in there so matthew last week i told a story about a friend of mine who had a really really bad gift from his dad so his daughter's grandfather it was a jacket turned out to be a dog's jacket i told him that i told this story how did he react and i was like he said i heard it you told it much better if i tell it it's just sad so anyway we received a few dms about put the call out there for anyone well even before i put the call out there uh this one's a good one from tegan So her father-in-law gave her son

$20 For his birthday He later took the money home with him Because the son kept leaving it on the floor Just like $20 on its own? Must have been a $20 It's a little lobster Must have been a little lobster, yeah

Hey, it could be worse You could be giving nothing to your good mate On his birthday Oh yeah, but you're going to clean my car Did you time this segment you could be giving nothing to your good mate on his birthday. Oh, yeah, but you're going to clean my car. Did you time this segment specifically on your birthday knowing that I would forget your birthday present? Oh, yeah. I'm clinical like that.

And this is all just designed to make me feel even more shit even though I'm exhausted from the house move. Is that why you put this together? Yeah, absolutely. Anyway, we'll come back to that. I've got further punishments for you. So here's another one from, get this for a name, Nicky Webster. No, it's not.

The Nicky Webster? No, it can't be. It could be. Show me the photo. There's no photo. I've just screenshot it. Anyway, Nicky says, my uncle would save his Happy Meals toys and give it to us for our birthdays. I think that's...

I like it. That's, I mean, pretty stingy. I'm all for the stinge. But kids love that shit. Yeah. Yeah. Look, they're shit presents, bro, aren't they? This one is My Life for H.

My kids are one year old and he got a rebound soccer net. He can't even walk. For a second, I was like like that's a good gift and there's a lot of uh really stupid grandparents out there that's uh that's going to be a re-gift no one's going surely or they're probably thinking like by the time of his second birthday might be walking might be a rebound is like that's like that's like training you're gonna be yeah well as a certain He later grew up to be Ronaldo. You've got to start him out. You do, yeah.

It's like Don Bradman with the ping pong or the- The golf ball? Whatever. Who cares? We're not a sporting podcast. Anyway, look, keep sending your presents in. I like that. I like to see this.

There's another one there I was going to read, which was someone gifted their grandson a nature sensory kit, which had- What's that? Exactly, what's that? Exactly. What's that? It was just a tin with sticks, pine cones and leaves. I was thinking, oh, that's a great gift.

Marley might like that. Yeah, well, you can. You can just go out the back there. Just pick a few of those plants and stuff. Get a Milo tin. Just straight in there a couple of pine cones happy birthday yeah that'll show them hey before we go into your favorite segment when we did the last episode in between i've been to the snow i do recall yes ash and uh

sorry because i know we also at some point we did speak about going to the snow together well once you found out that i've never snowboarded, you could drop me like a fucking meat pie. You can appreciate that. No, I can't. Okay. Well, people who have been to the snow, if they have a friend who's never been to the snow.

It's not that I haven't been to the snow. It's not like I'm going to be like, what's this white cold stuff? You sound like Mickey Mouse. Oh, my God. You've never been. When you've had some snow experience under your belt, I will then take you to the snow. I'm not going.

This is why. Because you snow people think it's a fucking privilege to go to the snow. Don't talk to us like we're a different race, Ash. How dare you segregate us like that? Living in Bondi, going to the snow. With a puffer jacket on. Why don't you be fucking original for once? I'm just hurt.

If you want your car washed, you're going the wrong way about it. Well, you washed it. I'll make you. So we went to the snows. It's either that or I get Marley to get, when she gets home, she's going to get out there and wash it. She is good at washing cars. You know that.

The debate was, before we went, obviously understood that you were not coming. That was identified. But then I was thinking, do I bring my kids with me? Like, do I bring... Marley's four. That means she's just old enough for... The youngest you have to be is four years old to be part of it.

So you could take one. I could take one, but then I was like, what the fuck? What do I do with Lola? I couldn't find a babysitter. Just do what you do with Buster. Just what? Tie her to a pole and leave her a bowl of food. You can get babysitters down there.

But then I was like, Lola's going to flip out if we're all getting ready and we're heading out the door and she's going to stay in the- Because she's old enough to know now. That she's missing out. And then like it actually was a lot warmer. It's fucking warm down there at the moment. It was 10 degrees where we were so like she could have played outside but we thought we don't want to be crammed in all day by herself got to the snow saw the snow and i was just thinking to myself oh the kids would have loved it here like it would have been such a great

experience and then i saw this mom and her daughter her daughter was like decked out and like cute little ski jacket the milo milo kids yeah my kids and she was like thanks mommy for such a fun day i love you so much you're such a good parent yeah and i was like oh my god my heart had the guilt and i was like i was kicking myself i was like i should have just brought marley it would have been such an amazing experience and then i saw something that made me change my mind. Oh, yeah. And it was a dad. Enough said.

Righto. He was standing there carrying his skis, like arms out, like he's carrying sticks. Defeated. His skis, his poles, his kids, two of them, all of their skis. And he's going, jonathan get out of that right now kid must have been five or six on his back just like laying in the muddy melted water big puddles of it and he's like can you not see that i'm carrying all the skis

now see this dad fucking losing it at his kids both kids had no interest of being in the snow yeah totally you just spent all this money for him too and i just thought you know what maybe it's the right thing that i'm definitely i'm not here with the kids totally my other favorite thing that i saw at the snow ash a lot of people go to the snow and do a little bit of skiing snowboarding but really they're there to get pissed and party. That's why I'd go. That's, yeah. I feel like you're that target audience,

someone who would like to... You could have just left me there. You could do what you need to do with the snow, whatever you do out there. There's a lot of bars. Some sort of secret. I pray skiing, they call it. Ash, for those who aren't familiar with the terms, that's when you drink after you have been on the mountain.

Isn't that just called drinking? I pray. I pray. Isn't it just after drinking? Apres. Apres. Isn't it just after? No, apres. Yeah, after ski. Apres. Apres ski.

Oh, wankers. Apres ski. I'm trying to fucking teach you, mate. I don't want to learn. Do you want to come or not? No. When you come next year and people are talking in ski terms and you're like, what is everyone talking about?

And then when you hear apres ski, you go, thank God Matt taught me what people are talking about no and then and then when you hear apres ski you go thank god matt taught me what people are talking about as i stand here on my crocs and puffer jacket i'm gonna get some crocs skis one morning on the saturday we got it pretty early to go trying to get first lifts up and at the bottom there was a toilet there in the urinal there's a guy standing there who had clearly had a fucking big night nice he stunk of booze anyway so he's like he's standing to one side i'm standing about a meter or two away from him i'm pissing and he's doing the piss where you like do the head back like oh that's the best piss. Except his ski glove had fallen in the trough. Yes, that's great.

And he's just pissing on his glove. And he's just like defeated, man. I was like, excuse me? And he's like, hey, your glove. And he's like, oh, my fucking God. Imagine being that hungover. That sounds like a really good time. And then just quickly before we move on to your segment,

I was driving back, Ash, and I was very excited to see my girls. Three nights away, I was like, I can't wait. I made sure I got home. Going to be the best dad ever. Read them stories and I thought I made sure I got home. Going to be the best dad ever. Read them stories. And I thought I'm going to get home by like six o'clock so I can do dinner and bath with them, put them to bed. And lasted about, I'm going to say seven minutes before I was like, probably should have like taken a longer break on the road. Come home.

When they're asleep. One more free night. Got to get that free night oh it doesn't last long does it no it doesn't last long i was like who wants a story fuck off dad you abandoned us for the snow ash told us all about it does anyone want to put their pajamas on no you're a shit parent i was like uh we heard about the milo kids and we're having such a good time you're a shit parent i was like uh we heard about the milo kids and we're having such a good time you're a shit dad your brain really tricks you into thinking that you're going to enjoy it a lot more than what it's actually it was how quickly you forget oh excuse me

oh where's that yoke cover because your story was so boring. Was that a real yawn? Yeah, that was. You can have a lie down if you want, mate. I'm going to. You quickly forget. It's hard. Them at you, like just pecking away at you, pecking away.

And then you go away and they're not pecking away for three days and you're like, I could go back and just kill it. And then they bring you crashing back down to earth within minutes. It's kind of like spicy food. You know when you haven't had spicy food for a while and you think, I'm going to have something spicy. I'll get the curry. And then you have one mouthful and you're like, that is hot and awful and not good and I'm not enjoying this at all.

And then the next day your ring hole is just stinging. That is parenthood. That's parenting. Matthew, our favourite segment, lies. And our lovely listeners submit lies. Would you like to go first? I think so. Yeah, okay.

Is that okay with you? Well, we may as well get you done and dusted because you're about to fall asleep. You keep yawning so much. Well, maybe you should just perk up your stories a little bit more and I'll make it through the episode. I'm just hurt, Matthew. I hate it when we fight. I hate it. No, no, no. We're not fighting. We're not fighting. I hate it. We are.

I'll go first just because I'm doing the talking right now. Lies. Matthew, every week our lovely listeners send us lies. They are great listeners, aren't they? It's either their DMs or we get, you know, old mate farting into his phone. Also, Dylan Brown, what's up? You've been very good at replying to people. I know.

Very good. I know, because I'm not drinking as much. At the moment. So, what have you got? They have one of those robot vacuums, much like what you have over here that other rich people have. I keep that next to the puffer jackets. Puffer jackets and the croc. So, they've got a robot vacuum.

And they warn to their kids, the robot vacuum comes around at night and picks up all the toys on the floor that you've left out. Yes. Clever. And I am going to buy the cheapest robot vacuum from wherever and use that. Yeah. I reckon that's an absolute fucking winner. Oscar with his cars. Oscar's the worst.

So he got the tracks out like the hot wheels track i think i've told you this story you got the hot wheels tracks out and i will meant to be going to a birthday party i said you can't go to the party until you cleaned all this up and then i went upstairs to get dressed and i kept like checking on him and he was just kicking his heels and he was like this is is boring. I'm bored, but I want to party. And I'm just like, pick them up. Like, pick them up, go to the party. He's like, but I just want to party.

I was like, mate, me too. Trust me. But sometimes you've got to get through the week before you can party. That's not fucking true. You were drunk on Tuesday night. Get through true the day you were drunk you were drunk on tuesday get through half the day okay then you can party so now i'm just gonna get even the robot vacuum doesn't work and if someone wants to donate a robot vacuum to me that'd be great because that would really help me out because oscar lazy shit matthew what have Okay, well, this one has come from a lovely listener, Ash,

who actually is someone that I've had sex with and I don't often have sex with the listeners. I didn't know my mum was writing it. No, this one is from... I don't often have sex with the listeners. Me either. Lovely. I say, our lovely wife.

My lovely wife. Our lovely wife wife but what's mine is yours yes this is a oh it's there oh this isn't this is a recording submission i have a new but totally acceptable lie that we can tell our children and has worked for like four days straight now so i told lola four days ago because she hates getting her teeth brushed I told her that there's sugar bugs in her teeth and we have to brush the sugar bugs out but then I doubled down on it because today I showed her she had chocolate in her teeth and I showed her the chocolate and I was like look it's the sugar bugs and she was like get it out now she loves having a toothbrush that's a parenting win a little hip thrust that's really I always say that like this segment really brings out the creativity of parents.

And I don't think it can be underestimated how creative people are. Because look, Laura has just come up with that. Sugarbugs. Sugarbugs is great. It's like you'll legitimately go to the depths of your creative mind to come up with something to get a small child to do what it is that they have to do. But, dude, it's amazing how effective it is because I would have to like pin her down to brush her teeth and she would be wriggling and squirming and screaming.

Like a dog. You know when you try to brush a dog's teeth? Yeah, like the same. It was easier to brush Buster's teeth than it was Lola's. Well, she's got all her limbs. Yeah. Look how asleep he isola's. Well, she's got all her limbs. Yeah. Look how asleep he is over there. Hey, buddy.

Don't fucking wake him up. Hey. You asshole. Hey. See? Tail's wagging. He's like, what do you want? His penis.

There we go. Lola will come to us now as soon as she finishes dinner and she goes, the sugar bugs quick quick get them out it's amazing I mean she's the anxiety on the poor girl has never been higher

she's walking around like get them out how much sugar is she having that's what I want to know hey Ash before we go we do have time as always

for two listener questions people who have written in they need advice for their own situation for some unknown reason they've come to us i will go first if i may sure okay this question comes from louise louise asks how do you stop your kids from eating dry dog or cat food from the pet's bowl?

Pick the bowl up. Pretty simple. Look, I've never had this problem. The problem that we have had with both kids is they love the water bowl. That's the thing. They're splashing around in the fucking water bowl. Thankfully, I don't have carpet. I've've just got tiles so clean up is easy but it's just annoying i was gonna say louise are you sure you're not raising dog an animal yeah because we don't see uh dog parents at the same level as the

actual parents on this podcast no my kids have never eaten it no they're not not they like to actually sometimes they're like have you ever had one what a dog biscuit yeah no i ate a um a schmacko now i go wacko for schmackos how's that for a plug ad no we are looking for a new sponsor schmackos what flavour you got this is beef jerky with lamb neck because they make them so realistic now

looking is this the snacks were you is this after a night out or are you just like on a like a week night no I was at

a pet shop getting I was getting Iggy my- Sir, what pet do you have? Oh, no pet. No, no. Just buying a fucking box of schmackos. Sitting in your car and gnawing on them.

I was buying a new collar. April's like, why does the car stink of schmackos? I don't know. I was buying a new collar, right? For Iggy. Who right, for Iggy. Who for? For Iggy. For me.

And on the counter, we're like, look, it was. Go on. Go on. Explain yourself. It was at human level, the counter. I just thought it was a little. It was like salami. No, no. They were like, what were they?

It was like a shape of a muffin or something. It just looked like little biscuits. And I was like, oh yeah, ate it. And the lady was like, excuse me? What the fuck is that? She was like, they're meant to be for your pet. When you have your pet with you in the pet shop. And it's like, you know, when you treat them for being good,

you just ate one. Of course it's a human heart. You're not going to put it down on the floor for a dog. I don't know. It was a bit of a... We all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. Anyway, it tastes like shit.

So, look, I don't know. Just elevate it. Don't put it at human level because then i'll eat it okay matthew my question is things to do at home with your toddler that don't involve screen time screen time not scream that's the biggest question that i also i don't have the answer for thursdays i'm with the girls all day we have swimming in the morning my go-to is the park i'm like i need to be out of the house i don't want to be inside the house if it's raining and you're at home there's like the standards drawing drawing painting the issue that i have right though marley loves it But I have both girls Lola will just

She'll draw on the wall She'll draw She's a wrecking ball And then Marley will finish her drawing And then Lola draws on it And then Marley's like My fucking drawing The language on her

Yeah she's unbelievable So then they have a fight She's been hanging out The removalists This fucking drawing Where's the acid wash My go to is we play zombies

just hide and seek you don't find them yeah hide and seek it's like hide and seek or I'm the zombie and then they have to run away from me and I've got to try

and find them I just lock mine in the cupboard and on that note we have run out of time Matthew you can't just leave it at that

no you can't everyone listening Ash is joking he loves his kids why are you talking on my behalf I'm trying to help you I know what I said

okay let's get out of here if you have enjoyed any episodes I do have to I don't want to ask you to do something that you don't want to do just tell them

but fucking stop it right now fucking do it if you could please actually three things review five stars or however many stars you would like to give write a review but also if you're listening on apple podcast and i think on spotify as well you can do this follow us so then every week when we do put out a new episode you get it on Wednesday in your ears that's you like or send it to someone who needs a perk up

it's being spoon fed yeah it's like having us injected directly into your veins every Wednesday and send it to someone that needs a bit of a pep up

because yeah except for those who are parents to pets that doesn't count yeah no send it to them anyway we need them yeah great

perfect Ash I've got to wash your car yes let's go thank you guys am I actually doing this to pets. That doesn't count. Yeah. No, send it to them anyway we need them. Yeah, great. Ash, I've got to wash your car. Yes, let's go. Are we actually doing this? Yeah, you are. See you next time. Bye. This podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.