Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Dummies - a growing pandemic?

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

We kick off this episode on a sad note as Ash reveals the local meth-head in his neighbourhood has been arrested. This comes after he decided to bring a samurai sword to the park on the weekend (the meth-head not Ash).  Matt wins shit parent of the week after Lola's mysterious screams turned out to be a perforated ear drum. Also, Lola's dummy addiction has reached new heights as she now needs to take 5 to bed with her in order to sleep. The solution? More dummies... We have a brand new segment thanks to Budgy Smuggler that celebrates the average parents out there and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: How should you react when your kid swears - how can one not laugh and discipline at the same time? Whats the strangest dinner you’ve fed your child? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Remember that, like, I don't know if your kids have grown out of them, the squeegees? Like, it's got, like, the mixed fruit in it, or, like, there's, like, one with, like, casserole and potatoes in the squeezy pouches. Like a normal pouch? Yeah, like a squeezy pouch. You know, you buy from, like, Woolies off the shelf. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, do your kids have those still? Well, you used to have them?

Well, like, mine because I've grown out of it, but they're still there. Yeah, I know they're still there, but they should have adult ones. Like, if you're too fucking lazy to sit there and chew your meal. Yeah, I just want to squeeze it into my mouth. That's what they use in old people's homes. Oh, they probably use just the baby ones. Do you reckon I could go on a solid diet of those? Let's find out. Let's reckon I could go on a solid diet of those? Let's find out.

Let's give it a go. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that, would you believe it, is all about parenting. It's the good. Is it? Bad.

And the relatable. Let's talk about cars today. Fuck parenting. Let's talk about big dicks. No. Sorry, you can tell what sort of mood I'm in already. Yeah, you are. You're like a dog on heat.

Oh, yeah. There's not going to be any advice in this podcast, which will come as no surprise to anyone who's just joined us, given what that intro sounds like. We did get a very nice review. Did we? Except. I don't read them.

It said at the end in brackets. Ash sucks. It said you guys are just a little bit crass. Oh, boo hoo. Except, do you remember that last episode? Did crass. Oh, boo-hoo. Except, do you remember that last episode? Did they give us five stars? Five stars. Oh, shut the fuck up, man.

I did drop the C word a number of times. You did last week. You did it in the first minute. I thought, should we edit that out? No, fuck. No, don't worry about it. It's too late now. That's who we are.

It's just this environment there's something about sitting opposite ash that makes me want to swear more and i do want to just talk about one thing really quickly because you you frequent my suburb yes quite a lot i love your sub it's quite a family like uh for those who don't know i live in a very family friendly suburb called worrywood or the swamp as i call does anyone ever refer to it as family friendly yeah there's parks everywhere man it's flat in here as well yeah but you've got this hill you carry your kids shit up that hill i bet you do all the time it sucks isn't it it's all nice and flat look it's just very family friendly there's a lot of nice pass through the wetlands interrupt you for one second it It's good incidental exercise.

The reason I look the way I do is because of all the hills that I have to walk with the kids. Boring. Worrywood is not good for your waistline. You're calling me fat. Yeah. I already know that. Where was I at?

Sorry, you live in a family-friendly neighborhood. It is. There's a lot of nice paths through the wetlands, the swamps, but there's parks everywhere. It's great. There's heaps of families, okay? Family- great. There's heaps of families, okay? Family friendly. There's heaps of families.

However. Is there a problem? There's a problem. And having kids in the area, this is a big problem. Okay. Okay. So on Sunday. Does this mean you're about to move to the east?

No, no, never. So it's not that severe? No, no. Oh, you'd be the judge. You'd be the judge. So on Sunday, Sunday just just gone there was a police operation right at the end of our street near the cafe we go to all the time and straight away i thought they've got the guy who owns a cafe because he's a bit creepy but no no so i drove past and

you know when like something big is happening you know everyone's like all of a sudden everyone's got to go to the end of the street and it was like right near the shop there so it's like all of a sudden everyone needs something from the shop not us because we were like we were going out anyway i was like we'll just drive past as you do slowly something about that sort of shit in car accidents you've got to drive past really slowly a bit of a sticky beak yeah you just want to like just poke your head in anyway so at the end of this street there's two of those tactical support cars police police ones, like black cars, people with like cops with a covered up face, like full on ambo.

There was like 15 cop cars in there. And I'm like, not in our friendly little sub. Did you come out and say, do you fellas need a hand? You guys need a hand? Do you need the big gun? It was funny because we've got friends who live near that who were giving a sort of play-by-play, right, of like, what's happening? They were like, there's two cop cars.

Oh, my God, there's like 10 cop cars. There's tactical units. All these other stuff. And I'm like, not in this lovely family suburb. Yeah, heaven forbid. Oh, yeah. So, and it's not a noisy place. Like, it's not like, I mean, you've been there.

It's not. It's sweet. It's lovely. Yeah. I have not once have I ever felt like i'm in any danger at all driving through warrywood i would leave my car unlocked in fact probably not actually anyway so he drives a what just in case you see it anyway so we drive past and we're like what's going on anyway we have to be somewhere so it's like okay we're off but then we're texting

friends like give us an update give us an update apparently just it came to an abrupt end and we don't know what happened because obviously they're not going to be walking around telling people what happened anyway so it turns out yeah what is it there is a local meth head it's always the meth heads there's a meth head and at the back of the shops there there's a kids park so it's sunday pretty busy i would say the meth head has decided to go to the playground wielding a samurai sword he's gone full kung fu fighter he's working up gone that's quite a nice day outside i'll take the samurai sword and go for a little trot down the park just take my samurai sword out morning down to the kids park there's all birthdays there's all this shit going on and this people like oh they've got

entertainment yeah it reminded me that time i saw the ninja in the park but this guy was apparently he was like no shirt no shoes wielding a fucking ninja sword oh man if only if only you and me were recording that day and we came across oh we would we would have been like, don't ever fear two dating dads are here. We got this, guys. But since then, our lovely suburb has been renamed. What's it called? It's now called Worry Hood. It's the talk of the town.

It's taken the shine off what was once a beautiful little suburb. The good thing is all the house prices are gone. Yeah. And now people can buy on the northern beaches. You just have to be careful that you're going to get chased by a meth head with a ninja sword. Nothing ruins a beautiful suburb, a beautiful family-friendly suburb, quite like a meth head with a samurai sword.

I know. I wonder what was like it was his weapon of choice i guess do you think like in his hallways got like today nunchucks nunchuck not today knuckle dusters yeah gun you know what it's a samurai sort of day what a shame what a shame i wonder i wonder what that will do to the meth supply in Worrywood. Well, I didn't get my hit this morning, so it's already taken a start. That's why I'm so chipper. Anyway.

I have a few things to talk about. You do? Firstly, I actually want to ask you, maybe we've spoken about this, you're not wearing your wedding ring. Oh, yeah yeah she left me no it was only a matter of time no i've got the initials tattooed there i do wear it but as you can see like this one at the moment i just get a reaction from them and i kind of chop and chain are one of those rings your wedding ring no they're not are they no they're just like i just

bung them on on the way out the door but i do wear it but just like if i wear it too long too much not good for the skin i took mine off oh i can yeah you did and you don't have any of yours on no because i went to the gym for the first time in ages yes and dog and you know yeah you left it there. No, I took it off here at home. Oh, no. And I don't know where it is. Kids love fucking grabbing them, don't they? Yeah. It's concerning. It's been lost for two days now. Does Laura know?

No. She does now. So now I have to make sure I find it before this episode goes to air. Is it that signet one? Signet looking one? Lost that one as well. And the gold ring with the diamonds oh you've got the diamond one yeah yeah fancy yeah well i don't got a signet ring for mine

but then i just got the initial so it's like i don't know why i do like the finger tats they're fucking look how much they've like they're going all gross anyway no they look great you look great oh thank you we spoke about lola has been quite difficult the last couple of weeks off the back of the maggie island trip the non-stop screaming which is just happened the last the murderous scream the murderous screams okay this is all off the back of the doctor on maggie island saying that she was fine the vet the vet the diagnosis on the island was that it's a little virus she does have a sore ear there's no pus it's not that badly infected we don't want to give antibiotics

and we thought great perfect we went on our way since then the screaming has been consistent now every 90 seconds we we got her out of bed the other morning and she had all of this fluid all over the pillow. And then we're kind of Googling, like, what does it mean? Perforated eardrum. Okay. Let me stop you. Okay. You complained about this constantly.

I didn't complain. Did I complain? And you said, there's nothing wrong with her. Well, look, it's okay. Like I've always said, this is a safe space. So the reason why- You're shit, aren't you? Two things why we thought it wasn't anything serious. One, the vet on Maggie Island had said that it was fine, slash doctor.

And then at nighttime, the crying always happened when we said that we wouldn't give her a bottle of milk because we're trying to stamp that stuff right out and we give her the milk and she was fine okay but now we know that she had near she's gaslighting you left right she was gaslighting us so you know laura and i were trying to figure it out and we thought she's just having a little tantrum turns out it was a perforated eardrum. The poor thing's been living in pain and you're just sitting here going, shut up! And then filming her. Look, that sometimes is a part of parenting. I said that filming meltdowns is normal, so that's fine.

Thank you for reminding me. So, yeah, so we, for the record, infected eardrum. Now on the antibiotics. Okay, how's she doing now? Great. Doing much better. Except not to pick on Lola, but we have created a monster. The milk monster?

No. Well, it's a dummy monster. So she is obsessed with dummies. And your kids weren't. No, they've never been into sucking on things. Hopefully that leads them into their future. The dummy for us, it's the silver bullet item. We cannot go out anywhere without having a dummy within arm's reach.

I can see you've got. Okay, because all of a sudden she would go to bed. We try and not give her the dummy during the day. Let me stop you for a second. Please. Does she get dummy rash? No, never had dummy rash. When her beard grows in she probably so now she started having like a dummy in the mouth and then a dummy in the hand

when she went to bed double dummy double dummy nice then she wanted two dummies in each hand shut up this is what she sleeps with this is how many dummies you got there's one in the mouth then one two three four five holy shit what does she where does she put them all like she cuddles the dummies she just yeah and then it's like they're comforters and then she'll go this one stop it out for the red strawberry one or the little lady beetle and then she has a blue one and the green one and she just rotates the dummies oh my god and then she carries them around the house and also takes them with her so then she starts losing them because she's got so many dummies and i'm like fuck what have i done how did we get here how did you get there it's you never had that problem never they i think

after six months nah i think oscar got a bit attached to one for a while and then we were like, nah. And it took like two or three days and done. You're just going to have to fucking put it. Do you know what you should do? Cut the end off each of them because then they put it in their mouth and they don't get the same satisfaction and they don't like it anymore. No, because then she'll get angry because it's broken.

Or you could just dip it in dog shit and give it to her. But look, that's- And this is why we say there's no advice on this podcast. No, no, exactly right. Because people will be listening and they'll be going, well, if that's good for Ash, it's- She'll grow out of it. But it's-

And I feel guilty because now I've put her through the pain of the last few days. So I'm now, I've got the guilt. So- Yeah, you should. I'm letting it, whatever she asks for. Just let it, just, do you know what you should do? Put a day on it and go in like three more sleeps,

we're going to take one away. And three more, we slowly take them away. So Oscar used to sleep with every toy he owned. I'm talking the whole car was like wall to wall with all of his toys. Like I don't know how he fit in there, but he did. Okay, and did that happen overnight or was it a slow progress slow progression and then eventually we were just like we thought okay well what we'll do is we'll take some out and then let him keep the ones he wants to keep and then eventually we've got it right down now he's just got one which is harmless and

he's teddy which is elmer so he used to sleep with all of them and eventually that's what we had to do just be like and just you know you can have these for two more sleeps but again look that's not sound advice or from anywhere that i read i just was like let's just try it this way or you can just take them off and let it scream for two days but i've just been through that i'm not going back in the trenches back to the screaming oh. And then also like- I can't fucking talk to you whilst you fart and you burp like that. As far as work environments go, I don't know how they behave in Worrywood. Worryhood, mate. Worryhood.

But that shit won't fly here in the east. Yeah. Speaking of sleeping, do your kids- Because is she still in a cot, Lola? Correct. Like a big, not like a little bassinet. She's still in a- It's a little bit small for me. She's in a cot, Lola? Correct. Like a big, not like a little bassinet. She's still in it. She's like, it's a little bit small for me.

She's in a cot, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So it's like she can't get out. No, you can take off one of the sides so she could like roll out of bed. So with Marley, in hindsight, we did it way too early. We got overexcited and we're like, oh, she's big enough now to have like a bed. We thought, wouldn't it be cute if we take off the side wall which is just fucked because she would wake up and instead of putting herself back to sleep she'd be like well i'm up now and she's

walking around has she ever rolled out all the time yeah all the time oscar just like four for the first time has just fallen out a bit to my knowledge so like three o'clock in the morning i hear him and i was like for fuck's sake what's going on like he must have a bad dream or something and he's like rolled off the bed but get this he's got a rail so he's rolled he's rolled off the bottom of the bed so somehow he started at one end and he's slowly like jinked his way up taking all the blankets all the pillows with him he's kicked out the plug for the nightlight. The nightlight's fallen off onto the ground.

Now Macy's awake and she's just like, Daddy! At three in the morning? Yeah, Daddy! Like Peppa Pig, because you watch so much Peppa Pig. Daddy! And I'm like, back to sleep. So it's just three.

We were all up since three o'clock after that. I just thought, like, how the fuck do you fall out the bottom of your bed? The movement of kids, of toddlers at night times unbelievable i'll go and check on marley before i go to bed and she'll be like in the most weird fucking position in like all aspects every night it's different where she's like one corner upside down feet resting up against the wall and i'm like run it that makes you comfy but we will be like downstairs and then we'll just hear a a thud and i'm like oh that's my i walk upstairs and she's just still finger like in the mouth sucking her thumb on the floor like this have to do an outline of her pop her back into bed

it's so funny when you like pick them up to put them back into bed and they do that startle. It's like... It's like when you're trying to fall asleep and you're like... The old jolt to jolt. No, Mark. I think we're going to try and keep Lola in the cot for as long as we can. At this age... 18th birthday.

Yeah, literally. Please, can I have just a normal bed? Back in your cot no when Marley was Lola's current age like just after two Marley figured out

how to climb up and out of the cot oh so did Oscar actually so she like we'd put her down when she'd wake up and she'd have enough would she just go

like you know it's like WWE the top rope so there was one time in the old house where this is when Marley still had her like midday sleep. And we heard this noise coming from the bedroom. And she'd only been asleep like half an hour. So, you know, when they wake up and you're like,

I'm not going to go in there. See if they resettle. Correct. And we heard, I'm sleeping. Mom, dad, I'm sleeping. Mom, Dad, I'm sleeping. And we're like, that's pretty cute. Like, yes, you are sleeping. You're meant to be sleeping.

So the screams went for a few minutes. She's still going, I'm sleeping. And we're like, what is she saying? She's sleeping. Like, just go back to sleep. Eventually, we'll go in there and see if she's okay. She was like perched on one side of the railing up the top. She was stuck up there and she was saying, I'm slipping.

I'm slipping. Slowly slipping off the edge. Raised up in the corner, up on the highest point of the crib. That's very good. Shit, shit. Sorry about that. I thought it was cute. Yeah, Oscar, I know like you see those videos of people's baby monitors

and their kids like climbing out and they just go, because they're so heavy at the head section, they're like all the way down, which, oh, yeah. But, yeah, like I said, like having Oscar fall out of the bed for the first time, I was like, I never thought about it really, especially I was like, there's a rail, there's a safety rail. Now I'm like, what am I going to put at the other end? It's his own fault.

Yeah, and he stopped being such an aggressive sleeper ash i have a video that i want to play you because over the last few weeks you have mentioned a few times that you've raised your voice a few times when dealing with your kids and they're not behaving and i thought you know what ash probably just needs a little bit of help i steer in the right direction and so i've come across this video on social media and i thought you know what ash probably just needs a little bit of help a steer in the right direction and so i've come across this video on social media and i thought you know what i'll play this and i'll help the poor guy out thanks i suppose and i love how you dropped poor guy do you want to know why your kids don't listen until you finally yell and lose your shit? Frustrating, right?

Because you're going to be shocked. You set that boundary. Now, I'm not pointing my finger at you. You just pointed your finger at me. What works and because they're born needing to push boundaries until boundaries are found. If you ask nicely, you give reminders, you nag, and then you finally yell and lose your shit, they learn that they don't need to listen when you ask the first time. They don't need to listen when you're nagging or you're reminding or you're asking nicely multiple times. They listen when the boundary is set and that boundary you set is when you yell or lose your shit. So if you want to stop

this cycle, we have to learn how to set concrete clear consistent boundaries so your kids know up front what you need them to do and also we need to work on your yelling shifting your parenting to shift your child's behavior that's garbage first of all let me just say this okay i know we've touched on this a lot in this podcast in the last 20 odd episodes okay we've also had other videos similar where we've been like that's garbage first thing she said i'm not pointing the finger at you while pointing the finger at me that's what she did first you're getting very defensive yeah but that firstly that's what she did and then she's telling me that so if from the very beginning when i was a very novice parent, doing it for the first time, that if I had set that boundary really low and pleasant, it would still be low and pleasant.

Shut the fuck up. Okay? Nothing gets done in my house. No, I see a point now. Look. Okay, look. Yes. no i see a point now look okay look yes it depends on the kid right like this is a parenting expert obviously if she's going to dish out advice like that that comprehensive you'd want to have something to back you up and that's fair enough but every parent that has their first child they're a novice parent no one's gonna know that shit and you're not gonna have enough sleep to actually put that into practice if you're putting that into practice you're a fucking psychopath from day one and you shouldn't have

that child because no one's sitting around getting it imagine getting at a one-year-old's level and being like now don't cry when mummy and daddy's sleeping or some fucking garbage like that. Gaslighting. I love how worked up you get. Yeah, because like- I love that. I love a bit of passion from you, Ash.

I get that there's people that don't yell at their kids and they don't want to yell at their kids. That's up to them. Those kids grew up to murder people. Yes, and burn people's houses down. They're all arsonists. But everyone has a stern voice, okay, whether it's a yell or a stern. I don't think that the kid's going to differentiate.

I just know that, yes, she's right. They want to push boundaries to the boundary. But even now, when they get to the boundary and I yell, they still sometimes just laugh at me. So at what point you need to start that or is it just too late for everybody because like i said people are novice i for the record i think her video sucks i don't agree with it yeah no i just thought i'd play it in front of you it was like that fucking dickhead was trying to tell you to stop close your eyes it's the people on social media

who i bet she doesn't even have kids. But I was thinking the other day. No, she's got dogs. I was thinking the other day, I was like, maybe, you know, sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't yell. Maybe from this point onwards, I'm going to change the way I parent and I'm going to be a great dad who never raises his voice. And then when we do the daycare drop off and we park the car and it's always a bit tricky because, you know,

I've got two kids in the back. I've got to take Marley out first. I'll try and like hold her hand as I then go around the other side to let Lola out. Sometimes Marley's like, don't hold my hand, Dad, piss off. And so I'm like, hey, you've got to stand right next to me. I need to see you at all times. And then the other morning she just went to like run off on the road.

And I was like, Marley, come back here right now. See, that's where you're wrong. You should have gone, come on, Marley. Please come back. Look out for the oncoming traffic. Shut the fuck up. You need to not like- They're going to get yelled at in their life.

Like you can't protect your child from- If I don't yell at my kids and then they go to school and do something wrong and a teacher yells at them they're going to be fucking shocked okay that's way worse yeah now that's like shock therapy in like eight years time they're like what is this loud noise when they go to school i just look at the teacher or principal and go is that all you got yeah pathetic weak man you got bitch yeah i've spoken to my therapist about this. Yes, I see a therapist, believe it or not.

Yeah, what's their take on it? Well, look, they're like very much like just from you need to also remember that he's four, Oscar particularly because he fucking grinds my gears, right? And they're like, look, there's nothing wrong with you being stern. But then every time we do have that conversation, I try and put into practice maybe being a little bit more patient. Probably lasts about three days before he works out that something's wrong. Dad's become a pushover. Yeah, dad's become a pushover and I've got to wrangle him back in the line.

Like, unbelievable. But if I – like I've said it a million times nothing gets done in my house unless i yell like even like put your shoes on this morning put your shoes on please put your shoes on let's start with that and then it slowly escalates put your shoes on okay put your shoes on and then they're like oh you want the shoes on oh you want the shoes on. And then they're like, oh, you want the shoes on? Oh, you want the shoes on. Come on now. Which ones? Well, why didn't you say so, Dad?

Come on right now. I've just said to Oscar, I'm sick of yelling at you for not listening. That's the one that really shits me the most. It's very obvious. He's got a very good vocabulary and he's very good at like articulating what he wants. So I want to articulate what I want. And it's like, go upstairs and have a bath and i've got to the point where it's like every time you don't listen to me now i'm throwing

something in the bin oh how's that working out oh it's great not he's just meltdown after that because he can't comprehend that but it's like if i don't raise my voice nothing gets done we're gonna debunk that video is that video full of shit look i think that there's i think it is i think so i think it is i think so but i also think like don't be an expert and preach to new parents like preach to someone who's got kids that are like a bit older and they're used to it and then maybe they're a bit out because i think in a few years time i won't have to be yelling at oscar because he'd be like i've learned from when younger that if i put a fork in the toaster i'll die dad won't like it no and so i'll stop it or i won't run out in front of traffic anymore because that would mean dad will yell i know which i don't

want yeah oscar on the scooter right he's a really good example like that oscar on the scooter on the footpath it goes around the corner i'm like stop at the corner. And he's riding away. Make sure you stop at the corner. Stop at the corner! And he goes around the fucking corner. And then I've got to yell in the street because I can't see him. It's more for his safety that I'm yelling at him now. But he didn't fucking listen all the way up. And that's your fault for not setting those boundaries at an earlier age.

What am I going to be like? Please stop. And he'd be thinking, why is dad not yelling at me? And you know what that does? It gaslights heaps of parents, making them think they're like shit parents. Doing a bad job, 100%. You're not doing a bad job. You're just coping like the rest of us.

I've got a few videos that I've come across because you know I spend a lot of time on social media. Get a job, bro. I am an extremely hard working content creator and i thought each week i will start to drip feed some of these videos yeah in front of you in the hope ash that i just want to make you and me a better parent okay but i think most of them will be full of shit okay that was full of shit who would have thought videos and social media that are explaining how to do something be full of shit. Okay. Well, that one's full of shit. Who would have thought videos on social media that are explaining how to do something... Be full of shit.

...would come from someone who doesn't have any idea what they're saying? Should we do, Ash? We've been teasing this for a week now. We've also been mentioning it on social media. Yes, we do have a brand new segment. We do, yes. This segment is called Budgie Smuggler's Most Ordinary Parent. We're just ordinary parents. Ordinary parents.

We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing. Because we're ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. The vocals on that are absolutely outstanding and I'm going to submit it to something. Laura's complained because that's been on repeat in the household and it's like one of those earworms where it just won't fucking get out of your head.

We don't know what we're doing. There's a little part. The baritone. We harmonize. There's one moment in there where we harmonize and we both know it. And I think when we first sung it, we looked at each other and thought, holy shit, we've just. Are we going to release an album?

I can imagine what the Beatles would have been like when they first had a jam session. They looked at each other and gone. We've got something here. We've got something here. People are probably like, oh, are they listening to the same? It's very catchy. It is very catchy. You can see why John Legend has won a few Grammys.

I can't wait till we get our Grammy for that version of it. Arias are coming up. They are, yes. And we'll be singing that one live. Surely. People can get up and leave. If you got asked to do the Masked Singer on Channel 10, would you do it?

Yeah. Channel 10, if you're listening, we're available. We do have this new segment. It is. We put the call out there and we've asked for the parents of this country to send through moments of ordinary parenting. And we're not saying neglectful parenting. We're saying-

Not leave them in a hot car in the sun parenting. Definitely not. Please do not do that. We are talking about ways in which you can cut corners to get the job done with a little less pain. Absolutely. We've got some great ones that are sent through. We are going to read out a couple. Only one can be the Budgie Smuggler winner

where they'll get $200 worth of product. Ash, do you want to go? Yeah, I'll go first. I'll read one I like. Then you can read one you like. And then we'll go for the big winner. The big winner. Can I just say we had a moment where, I mean, it's nothing brand new,

but the kids loved it. We got home late on Monday and it was like quarter to seven. Kids are normally in bed by seven. Absolutely no chance of getting any decent food into them. So we gave them Weet-Bix. And I said, guys, isn't this going to be funny? We're going to have dinner, but it'll be breakfast. It'll be breakfast for dinner.

But we'll have it the wrong way around. And they thought it was hilarious. They're like, dad, this is crazy. That's what we're looking for, man. I love that. And then Marley was like, are we going to have spaghetti for breakfast? And I was like, maybe we will. Like, we didn't.

They just had more Weet-Bix. It's like when I told that story about how if they've eaten a full nutritious meal at kindy, I just give them toast. Oh, yeah. I was like, they've come from kindy. It's totally fine. That's how you do it. I mean, they snack on like chickpeas and carrots.

That's enough for today. But your first example of ordinary parenting, Ash, please take it away. Yes. So this one comes from someone called Mofo81. Yes. So this is, look, this is not the winner, but this is the sort of stuff that we love to hear. So he does this thing, he or she, sorry, I don't know.

Guess. Anyway, they call it the eyes closed game in car trips. So they just do this competition who can close their eyes the longest obviously not the driver and they just fall asleep he has two really competitive boys and it works a treat that is that's great genius it's kind of like you're lying to them but like it's an ordinary parent move that we love to hear but if the kids are going to fall asleep it's a win they probably need a nap anyway it's a win that's any win you can get from a cutting a corner or whatever is is amazing okay this one is from jules also could be a he or she could be they have said

when toddlers are crying just say it's my turn now and cry louder it stops them every time i've done this too it's my turn i did it this morning with marley she was having a little hissy fit because she's doing some coloring in started crying and i was like how did that not win do you know what started crying and she started laughing. Turned it right round straight away. Nothing works better. That is great.

Okay, now we have- We have a winner. This week's winner. Now, this week's winner comes from Megan. Megan. I don't know. Megan. Anyway, go with that. It's quite a long one.

Please. So, if I fuck this up, I'm really sorry. She said she wanted to add her parenting hack on decluttering, especially bigger toys that her kids have. And how do you get rid of them? Because my place is messy as. Please continue, Ash. Yeah.

What have we got? She says what she does, I break the toy when they aren't around on purpose. And when they get home, I pretend to trip on it, acting like I've broken it. I do the old, oh, no, I've broken it. Bullshit. It can't be fixed. We'll have to put it in the bin. Works every bloody time.

Therefore, removing the shit toys I hate, taking up space in the house. But that's outstanding and i will be using that one i love the just the secrecy of it when they're not around i just secretly break them so premeditated it's kind of psychotic it's i was gonna say it's borderline psychotic that's full-blown psychotic but it's one you 200 bucks of budgie smuggler gear. Well done. That's amazing. Love that. We'll reach out to you. We'll organize that voucher.

And if you want to also win $200 from our friends at Budgie Smuggler, please send us a DM with your ordinary parenting stories. Stuff like that is what's going to win you the good shit. Or send us an email. Email is in the link. Is it? Email is in the bio. 2 it? Email is in the bio. 2DD at Outlook?

It is, yeah, 2DD. T-W-O. Yep, at outlook.com.au, and we will run this segment throughout the back end of this year, giving away plenty of $200 vouchers for Budgie Smuggler. let's get back to what we do best and that is answering the parenting questions of the world the whole world has come to us with questions they have and they need answered immediately i've got one here. Can I just... I'll pipe that up.

That was a great intro. Fuck yeah. I'm just on one today. Anything you need me to do, I'll do it. That oat flat white you had before is just absolutely earning its... It's made me gassy, that's for sure. Earning its keep, earning its salary. Should we take these off?

Yeah. I've de-robed my microphone. okay okay questions matthew you can go first okay and this is in no way targeted towards you because you said why are you just targeting me today it just happens to be one that i thought we were both unpacked also you swear in front of your kids a lot. This comes from Scott and he says, Scotty. How should you react when your kid swears? His little girl is just over three and a little bit and she has copied her mother.

How can one not laugh and discipline at the same time? Now, Ash, he has sent through a video and he has said, I can play this audio. Yeah, go, yeah. i'm just gonna give you just full context of the swear word that their little daughter is using i can hope it's the c-bomb fuck i hope it's the c-bomb turn around and tell daddy what does mommy say did she just say silly cunt? Are you fucking serious?

That's amazing. Turn around and tell daddy. What does mummy say? Silly cunt. What's the other way? Fucking cunt. Is she saying silly cunt and then fucking cunt? S saying no silly cars i thought she was dropping the secret silly cars okay silly cars okay it's not as bad as what we first oh i was like look i know

i wished for it and then when i saw it i was like no but she's saying first one's silly cars but the next one is fucking cars i thought you. I thought you said silly cars. It's always, do you know when it gets you? The hardest part is when you're driving and some idiot in front of you is being stupid. It slips out. I say, for fuck's sake. For fuck's sake is a good one. And I'm always like, oh, God, Marley's there just like absorbing every word and going, oh, I'll use that one.

That's great. Well, it's like they were saying that time when Oscar got the pool noodle up onto the side of the pool and was like, fuck's sake, into the pool noodle at a resort. Okay, but it's hard because it's equal parts hilarious as it is concerning that your kids are dropping swear words like that. What they're doing there, if you're disciplining it, then they're like, this is naughty and they're going to push that boundary that that fucking idiot was telling us about. But if you have a giggle about it, then it's harmless, this is naughty, and they're going to push that boundary that that fucking idiot was telling us about.

But if you have a giggle about it, then it's harmless, I think. I always say, like, I don't really care if my kids drop a swear word. I'll think it's funny if it's in context. But if they start saying to someone in public, like, fuck you, that's when I'm going to be like, that, no. It's different. Like if the waiter, like, drops a marshmallow and giving them a baby Chino

and Oscar goes, Hey, can't fuck you. Oh, for fuck's sake, lady. I better write it in. I'm going to really go home and look in the mirror and think about my parenting. Parenting is that hard that any moment where the child is behaving to a certain degree but not destroying anything and giving you a moment of laughter, you've just got to take it for what it is.

And it's something to talk to your friends about as well. Like it's always a good laugh when you're having a drink with other parents and you're like, Oscar dropped an F-bomb the other day. And in context, it's great. And watch this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. So, Scotty, laugh away, my friend.

Play on. My question, yeah, yeah. It's great. So, Scotty, laugh away, my friend. Play on. My question to you, Matthew. Okay, it comes from Brent Redmond. Sorry, I don't know why that was funny. Is that a made-up name? No, that's legit, I think. What's the strangest dinner you've fed your child? My two-year-old just went with a slice of ham, a crumpet in the teller,

and a pouch to wash it down. Delicious. A smorgasbord of- Random. Random items. That is random. What about you? What have you?

Okay, so this one wasn't one that went down well. You know sometimes you say to your kids, you're not going to like this food, and they're like, I want it. I down well. You know, sometimes you say to your kids, you're not going to like this food. And they're like, I want it. I love it. I know, yeah. And you're like, you're going to hate it. It's not going to be a jam.

It's either spicy or it's just like a weird flavor. And Marley was like, give it to me. Give it to me now, bitch. And I was like, all right, if you really want it, I'll give you one. But when we moved house, we're clearing out the pantry. You know, there's always those random items that are like. Yeah, random items that like yeah yeah i don't know how they got there like you bought that thing and i'm gonna make something with this you know yeah i think this might have been from like a hamper or some i don't know where it came from hampers always got the weird combination of

like food in one food so it yeah, like items that are like- You wouldn't buy that. Never, never. They just- That's why they give them away. They're like, you've got no choice in the matter. You're getting it in a fucking hand park. Well, one of the items that we held onto was smoked mussels.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like in the can. Yeah. And I was like looking at it and maybe because it was a- I don't know. Marley was like, I'll have one of those, please. I'll have one of those shiny can things. I'm pretty hungry.

And I was like, you're not going to like this. And she's like, serve it up. Serve it up and give it to me. So, I was like, whatever. Like, I don't care. Like, have it if you want. So, I gave her a smoked mussel. And she was like, yep, that's delicious.

I would like another. No, she just spat it out. Yeah, it was. I was like, eh, I fucking told you. I told you. No, they don't get it for me on this one the food it wasn't the strange part it was how it was eaten was the strange part so it was just a spaghetti bolognese no meatball spaghetti so like the big meatball okay served it up to oscar and he was like oh i don't i don't want the sauce so i put it in a strainer washed it under the tap put it back in his bowl and gave it to him and he ate it

so it was essentially watered down spaghetti with a watered down meatball and he ate the whole thing and gobb bitch up God, they're little Arrogant little things, aren't they? They're weird, man Kids are weird Do you reckon he was like This tastes like ass But he's like I'm not going to accept defeat here

Yeah, do you know what he thought? He probably thought You know what? Just to annoy this person I'm going to get him to deconstruct this meal Just for shits and giggles And then when he got it He was like

What have I done? What have I done? This is a mistake. Kids are so dumb. Hey, Ash, that is all we have time for. It is. We did. So I feel like we do waffle before we start recording

when you come out to this neck of the woods. I'm just getting used to it. You have gotten used to it. I know you've got to trek back to the Wari Hood. Wari Hood. Because I just remind me to pick up my samurai sword on the way home. We have actually,

you and me both look at the numbers of this podcast and see who's listening. We've got a lot of new listeners. We do. That have joined us. Go back and listen for the very start some stuff that we talk about. We'll have more context.

Ep one, Daddy Wants a Podcast. Absolute cracker. Because Daddy somewhat did want one. He was hungry. But Daddy Wants, Daddy Gets. And... Go, leave a review. Leave a review.

Subscribe. Absolutely. And also follow us at Two Dotting Dads. We currently, Ash, we're running a competition for Baby Beyond. We are, yeah. So you could win two brand new baby beyond for you and a friend they're great they are great they are very very good there is a video there follow the caption how to enter we can just follow us follow baby beyond i don't

know just read the okay sure sure and we'll see you guys next week also uh before we go i just want to ask the listeners right now we have done a few bonus episodes with the dads of this country a lot of people have said we'd like to have a mom on the podcast yeah which we absolutely would for sure we are two dating dads and we will both speak to moms and dads i know believe it or not whoever will give us advice so if you have any moms that you would like us to speak to on the podcast as a bonus episode please tell us who they are and we will do our best to organize that yep absolutely and until then see you next week you guys next wednesday

two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.