Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - From potty disasters to potty mouths

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Matt's currently enjoying potty training a 2 year old (Lola) who insists on doing everything solo - including attempting to empty a potty by herself that's full to the brim with her business. Ash takes the family on a holiday to Queensland, which includes lugging 8 bags, cot and baby seat across the boarder, getting two flat tyres and being on the receiving end of a foul-mouthed spray from his 3 year old. Matt also has an incident with a post-sex towel thanks to his mother. We also have a crack at answering your parenting questions: Do you have a song that you sing to your kids when they're having a full blown tantrum? Do you judge other dads? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I had a question for you before we got started today. Do you have a picture of your children or child as your lock screen? No, it's a photo of me and Laura. Lucky. Why? There's nothing worse than finishing a wank, locking your phone, and the first thing you see is those disappointed eyes staring back at you. Daddy, why?

Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about parenting the good, the bad. And the relatable. And as always, just going to preface this podcast episode and say that if you are coming for any type of advice... Stay clear. You are in the wrong place. Turn around. Wrong way. GPS has gotten you lost. Yeah. New turn, baby.

But if you want to listen to two dads talk about how absolutely hellish parenting really is. You've definitely come to the right way. And sit down and strap on in. Today especially. Hey, before we get started, Ash, we have to give thanks to our Lord and Saviour. Keeping us afloat. Keeping us afloat, putting food on the table and getting my rent paid big thanks to them we've gone for wait are they paying your rent well on the studio that we're in

we've gone for the original yeah the og we have their first beer they released let me just oh yeah that's the stuff cheers my good friend yes oh yes something i like about this beer ash is the fact that it's zero carbs what's that Yeah, that's the stuff. Cheers. My good friend. Yes. Oh, yes. Something I like about this beer, Ash, is the fact that it's zero carbs. What's that supposed to mean? You looked directly at me then. I didn't mean to. No, no, no.

This is for anyone who likes to drink beer and is, you know, being a little bit more conscious. You call me fat. Well, it's 87. You do look great. I look puffy. But hey, for anyone who is trying to watch the waistline, but still wants a delicious crisp beer. Absolutely.

It's only 81 calories, isn't it? 87. 87? Sorry, I labeled it. Which is, I guess, if anyone doesn't need any more encouragement to have more tins. I'm a tin monster. It's the tin one.

Has anyone called you that before yeah if you had a look at our instagram you may have seen we ran a little competition we hit 11 000 followers thank you for that too yeah big shout out to everyone i didn't think that would grow that many so quickly but we were going to do 10 000 followers and do 10 cases of better beer but then you guys ruined it. By the time we got our shit together. And by the time this comes out, it might even be a 12. So, look, if there's an extra case laying around, we'll find a home for it.

It doesn't have the same ring to it, 11 for 11. But we gave away – we're giving away 11 cases of beer. And I'm very excited to announce that the winner, Ash, of our very first inaugural competition. Have you just picked it without me? I am. It's my friend. It's me.

But without further ado, the winner is Stacey Martin. Yeah. Well done, my friend. Outstanding. And you know what? Low carb. No carb. Low calorie. well done my friend outstanding and you know what low carb no carb low calorie hey summer's coming delicious 11 of the best headed your way right now congratulations and thank you everyone that entered thank you everyone that tagged and thank you everyone that's followed to get us here maybe 20 20 000000, 20 cases. I know. It's going to be dangerous.

The more followers we get, we're like, you've just won 100 cases of Better Beer. We're like, oh, God. Putting Better Beer out of business. Oh, take them. Ash, I had my race on the weekend. Oh, you did? Yes.

I missed it. I'm sorry I couldn't come and watch. It was very, very early. Also, I wouldn't want to come and watch because that sounds fucking boring. I mean, Laura for a second was like, what time is it? Could I bring the kids? And I was like, it starts at 6.30. There's road closures.

And it was fucking freezing. Sydney is Baltic right now. It's so cold. Oh, so bad. So bad. So no one came came which was a good thing because you know the result ash but for those who are listening you loser i i lost i lost coming up trumps it was an awful race so bittersweet for me because i wanted to see you win

but also i'm so fucking sick of this race like i hate it when we both go do some sort of i don't know anyway if we stand next to each other it's very obvious who's working out and who's not we did that photo shoot back in the day in our budgie smugglers and i was pumping out like 80 kilometers a week at the time i was doing negative 80 so with a tinny in hand going oh just take the photo i just get it over with anyway so now you can blow out like me. Like a normal dad. Yeah. Oh, actually, there's another 10K on the 23rd of July,

which I may, I've been bitten by the running bug. And because I wanted to fucking crack 40 minutes, I really, I gave it a nod. This is not an athlete's podcast. It is. Dad-late. So this is, actually, I'll give it a two-week break, but then I'm going to come back on the 23rd. 10ks you're just redlining the whole way my heart rate was at like 182

after the third k that's crazy talk it was disgusting look i like to run too i have a small little running community online but what's yours called in the legless sorry is that i might change it that actually sounds it's the restless leg because i run a lot for my mental health because i'm mental but also i get restless legs when i try and sleep unless i do like a decent amount of running and i thought there's got to be people that do that as well so you get a bit twitchy yes yeah yeah yeah as you already know but it's something very small so if i was say we wouldn't let you in because you harp on about it too much it's all about those people that want

to go undercover just run for their mental health get out there enjoy the fresh air not brag about it to everybody i'm not bragging about it ash oh laura rang me the day and she's like i can't see this he won't stop talking about it is Is this an invite-only club or can you- No, no, anyone can join. Anyone can join. It's not a big deal. Yes, you can join, mate. Anyone?

No, dads right now. You know what's going to happen? There's going to be an influx of dads. Influx of dads. All running the same pace. Like eight-minute Ks. Yeah. I got little legs, okay?

I got trotters. You've got great legs. Thank you. They look perfect. Thank you. Anyway, you're lost and you've got to get a tattoo. Tattoo trotters. You've got great legs. Thank you. They look perfect. Thank you. Anyway, you're lost and you've got to get a tattoo. Tattoo of a turtle. Yeah.

Fucking nightmare. It's not bad. So I lost the race. It'd be worse for him because he's just clean skin. Yeah. Unless he makes you get it on your face. I need to get this guy's number so I can be like, dude, just do it. Tell him to get it on his face.

That's where he's getting it. It's been a rough week because lost the race. At the moment, Lola, she's in this weird phase. I don't know if you remember because Macy's not quite there yet. I don't know if Oscar did this, but she's trying to be like so independent and she has this saying that she always says. I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it.

I do it. I do it. She's like a small Italian lady. I do it. And it's cute, but then at the same time, it's also really annoying because like having dinner time, eating pasta, she's like, I do it. And then it just ends up all over the floor. Did you have to say pasta? I just said Italian.

We should cycle in a nonna. Yeah. And she does kind of look like, well, Laura is half Italian, so it makes a lot of sense. But even when it comes to like now she's potty training. Again, this is very cute, but she wants me to sit down and hold her hands when she goes to do number two yeah and it takes a long while like we're not just there for a minute or two she's like her dad

when she goes it's not good for you to sit there that long it can't be good for your bowels is it not it's not good for you about your piles i try and rush i'm like come on push it out and even when it's she's like and she does like a two round poo so she does it first time it's a solid size and then that one's the plug poo dude that's and then i'm there for 10 minutes and so what i sometimes do now is i'm like i'll be back in one second and i give her some privacy and I keep an ear out because she's like, Daddy, white bottom, white bottom. But she stopped saying that now because she's now. I do it.

No, no, no, I do it. And one time she was in the toilet. I left her and I kind of got distracted. And then I thought, shit, it's been a little while. I wonder if she's still in there. I wonder if she's still in there. She's fallen in. I wish she had.

She had done this monster-sized poo. I've seen pictures of your kids' poo. You've seen how big they are. She's tried to, it's a little potty that's you know it's not the toilet it's just this little like plastic scoop scoopy thing and she's tried to put that into the toilet and you know she's so clumsy and she's just like there's shit everywhere she's imagine a two-year-old with like a little plastic bucket that's like full to the brim of shit and piss and she's like a little wobbly nonna just

on the floor and then she's just like looking at me like i do it i did it oh my i mean it serves me right for bloody leaving her in there oh yeah yeah you can't when they go quiet you're like where are they

oh yeah doing like Oscar's not quiet whatsoever so he's just like I'm done come and wipe my butt off oh fuck off, man. Well, look, you've had a rough week, obviously.

I, on the other hand, have been on holidays. And also, before I get into this, when did a relaxing holiday become so fucking stressful? When you had kids. Two kids I've got. Somehow we need 10 bags of clothes, port-a-cots, car seats. Do you bring the port-a-cot with you? Yeah.

Well, where's she going to sleep? On the floor? Why don't you just leave one at your mum's house? Well, I'm not made of money, Matthew. I can't buy two. Sorry. Car seat seat do you bring the car seat yeah one we took this time one whoa you're traveling with the cot the bags and the car don't get me fucking started no actually get me started let's fucking go so anyway two kids. Anyway, we had a 7 a.m. flight out of Sydney. Was it the cheapest one or? No, we just wanted to get the hell out of here.

I don't, you know, just get. Because that's, man, you've got to be out the door. Yeah. Thankfully, we were going to my parents. We weren't staying at my parents, but we were going to see my parents. And, like, the quicker we get there, the quicker I can be like, they're yours. You'd think. quicker we get there the quicker i can be like they're yours you'd think anyway so we're up at 4 30 kids out of bed in their jammies in the car in their jammies i did see um i saw on your

instagram oscar's on the plane he didn't get out of his jammies till after midday him and april did anyone say anything about because he had like his nike like air force ones on as well so it was just like people were just like fuck i wish a couple who was like wish i could go to the airport like no one's stopping you freak yeah in the car in their jammies to the airport april's booked the parking the furthest away from the terminal which i was like like the p3 or is it the one three exactly yeah those who know sydney or any airport, if it's not P1, it's a waste of fucking time. But P1 is under construction at the moment.

Which makes it a little bit more stressful. But it's also, man, I've had many times where I've sat there looking at P2, P3, P2 is closer, more expensive, and you're like, do I spend the extra 50 bucks for P2 or do I save the money and go P3? But it's an asshole of a walk with the 10 bags i'm not driving with a portacot and a fucking car seat the fucking g up so we pull into the p3 there's no parking until like level fucking 80 i'm pretty much in the sky i might as well get on the airplane after it's taken off anyway i was like all right let's get this show on the road i'll go to the trolley bay get one of those trolleys great

they're so good those trolleys except you got to hold the handle down to move them if you let go the handle it stops abruptly and all your bags come off that's another fucking nightmare in its own i've learned my lesson with that but go to get a trolley some dickhead has parked in front of the trolley bay so i can't get a trolley so here i am from level seven april's got the kids i'm like you take these kids and you go you go leave me here i'll deal with this i'm carrying 10 bags like one of those troops in a war movie like a sherpa like a Sherpa up Machu Picchu even. You see them with their donkey. If I had a donkey, that would be great.

I've got a backpack. I've got two shoulder bags. I've got two suitcases. I've got a port-a-cot and I've got a car seat. Jesus Christ. And it's 6 o'clock in the morning. Anyway, we're late for this flight. And I mean, not to paint you as someone who gets a little bit grumpy sometimes, but, you

know. I was grumpy. There's no doubt. I haven't eaten, haven't had a coffee. Just we couldn't stop because we're running behind, even though I thought we were ahead of time. At what point did time catch up to me on that drive? There was no one on the road.

Anyway, so get there, go to buy one of those trolleys because you've got to buy them now. You don't have to tell this story if you don't want to watch. I feel like it's going to- I've just got to get it off my chest. Okay, please, sorry, continue. Okay, go to buy a trolley, tap my card. It cost me $4.

The trolley wouldn't come out. Then it cost me another $4. The trolley, tap my card, cost me $4, trolley wouldn't come out. Then it cost me another $4, trolley came out. Oh, shit. Anyway, I'm in a fucking feral mood at this point. On the plane with two kids, we're on the plane, great. We were the last people on the plane and we're bloody walking on the plane like people like, hurry up, these fucking shitty parents. Does that not give you anxiety because right now everyone's always trying to cram in as much as they can on the plane.

And when you've got kids, you've got double the bag. So, you've got no space above your seat in the overhead locker. Oh, man. And there's nothing worse than having to put, like, one bag near seat four. That's exactly what happened. Oh, shit. And the thing is, we were literally, like, in the middle of the plane. So, it was like, either way, we got on the front or the back,

it was going to be a 15 to 20 row hike with these kids and all these bags. Anyway, got there. Got there in the end. And it's funny when you get on a holiday with your kids and you get there and you're so happy that you've made the destination without either losing a kid or purposely leaving one behind. You just get shit-faced as like a celebration that we made it to the destination.

That's pretty much what it was like. But I borrowed my mum's car when we were up there. Yep. Car full of shit, full of kids. Got a flat tyre. And I'm like, fuck! Your blood pressure. I was through the roof.

You should not be taking holidays. Someone DM me saying I saw you was in the airport. I was like, no, you didn't. You saw a version of me that was not me. Anyway, so flat tire. First of all, I'm like, of course. How did you know it was flat? Was it like...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was on rim. Were people like driving next to you being like, of course. How did you know it was flat? Was it like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was on rim. Were people like driving next to you being like, I think I was too angry to see anyone else other than the destination. Anyway, so changed tire. That's a nightmare in itself. Changed tire, covered in grease.

Fucking pain in the ass. Love that. And reorganized the kids back in the car and whatever blah blah blah got the spare tire on that little yellow piece of shit dinky bike tire that you can only go 60k on a 50k it said 80 i'm like there's no way anyone's going 80k on that Start driving. That tire's flat. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I'm just furious. I'm fucking swearing left, right, and center. Anyway, my old man came and he's taken the tire to a tire place

to get repaired, come back. We fixed the tire, all good. But all this time, and this is going to lead me into something else I want to talk about really quickly. I've just been swearing my head off. And I get in the car. We're all sorted, ready to go to the destination. What happened?

And I've sat down. Oscar goes, fuck, that was shit. Anyway, that instantly reminded me of something else I wanted to talk about. You are such a bad parent i know i swear so much in front of them so does april though so it's not all me and this is what happened it reminded me of this time we went to fiji with the kids and april of course and we do swear in front of the kids a lot. We've tried to be better at it because Oscar now points it out.

So trying to be better. I'm just not used to having kids. I don't really know them that well. So we went to Fiji, right, and we were at this beautiful resort, all-inclusive resort as it is over there with the kids. And we're at the pool bar, which is like Slash, where all the parents take their kids because why wouldn't you go to the pool bar?

The dream. So there's kids. It's packed everywhere. Oscar grabs a pool noodle. No one has pool noodles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Puts it over his mouth, plants it up on the side of the pool and just goes, fuck's sake.

That's my boy. And I just looked at Abram and I was like, That's my boy. And I just looked at Abram and I was like, that's your phone. Anyway, that was my stress-free holiday. How do they- They just pick up, man. They latch onto swear words. I know, because they know the velocity and tone that you say it in. I reckon if you were like they're like sponges you're

like oh bubble gum they'd be like oh they'd be like oh bubble gum my biggest fear is that i drop marley off at daycare and she just starts dropping the f word i don't mind i don't care look i don't really don't care if he starts saying fuck you to people, then I care. Yeah. It's different. If he stubs his toe and says fuck, that's just a general reaction. And look, there'd be so many people out there now listening going, fuck, my kids swear so much. And I know why because I couldn't be arsed trying to manage my language. It's like when we were on the Today Show,

April was like, just don't swear. Which she didn't. And I was like, fuck you. I'm going to say whatever I like. Do you know what i love most about oscar though is that he used it in the right context oh yeah he's all about content off the back of that being an absolute ordeal he's like dad that was fucked up and you're like i should angry, but good use of the word. Perfect. I wasn't going to tell this story, Ash. It's one that's on the cusp of being too much.

And whenever I'm unsure of a decision, my sounding board is always Laura. And she'll point me in the right direction. Big mistake. But you know how annoying it is when you go to someone for advice and you want them to give you the answer. That you want, not what they actually want. Yeah, and I went to Laura and I told her the story. That's why I tell no one anything. Because no one can make you second guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was thinking, you know, Laura, is that too much? Hoping she'd go, no, it's fine. And she goes, it's quite crass. But you know what, Ash? I don't even know what that word means, so let's go. Late on the big boy. Should have come to you for advice.

Should have. So my mum is here at the moment. You met her again this morning, lovely lady. Saw her get out of the shower. Oh, yeah, yeah. For anyone who's wondering why that is. No, your mum's not yuck, but it's like I shouldn't see get out of the shower. Oh yeah. For anyone who's wondering why that is. No, your mom's not yuck,

but it's like, I shouldn't just say your mom in the shower. No, it's fine. It's whatever we needed to make this relationship even stronger. The fact that you're now sleeping with my mom. You can start calling me daddy. Did not expect this to happen.

Actually, I don't want to be called daddy. I want to be called papa. Papa. Papa. God, it'd be fucking awkward if you ended up hooking up my mom but be careful what you're wearing yeah so my mom is here laura i've said it before dancing with the stars she's in the

thick of it she's you know working her butt off and it's been such an enormous help having my mom here she leaves in a couple of days, which is very distressing. But during the day, she'll cook a couple of meals. She does the washing. She does a quick cleanup. It's just the absolute dream. As a parent, there's nothing more that you could ask for to have someone do those awful jobs, those tedious jobs.

Give her all the shit work. I'm not ordering her to do this work. She just does it. Mom's raised five kids She gets it She comes in Doesn't have to give it any instruction She just gets straight into it

Knuckles down Love it Although We've had one issue So Ash No Laura and I

We had Sick You've been fucking Sick So Laura and I, we had. You've been fucking. We had. I know where this is going. We had sexy time. Bit of mother-son action. Oh, yeah.

Ash, come on. Come on. Let's not go. Let's not go there. Please. I'm better than that. You are. I am better than that.

I'm glad you acknowledged it. Sorry. Don't you dare take my mother's name and rub it through the mud. So Laura and I, we had, as you call, the horizontal tango. You did Dancing with the Stars. Yeah. I was like, let me teach you a thing or two. And to clean up the mess afterwards, we use a towel.

A full towel. What sort of mess are you towel? Well, sometimes- What sort of mess are you making? Well, the thing is- I don't want to know. The thing is- Why ask that question? The thing is because our house is quite damp, so the towels don't really dry.

So when the towel's like on its way out and it's due to go in the wash- You just rub your dick and balls on it. For want of a better phrase. Yeah. And also because to clean up you get what i'm saying so anyway the bath towel was used to clean up the mess and then late at night you know i don't want to walk naked all the way then to the bathroom where the laundry is so i've got the ensuite in my bedroom i'll just drop the towel on the floor and I'll deal with that tomorrow.

Right? Oh, no. So then I forget about it. The next day I wake up, you know, I'm a busy guy, Ash. I get straight into work, forget about the towel. I don't want to know. Actually, go, go, go, go. That night I'm brushing my teeth as I normally do before I go to bed and I then turn around to wipe my face to get rid of the water

and, you know, get a bit of toothpaste out of my mouth. So I grab the towel that's hung up in the bathroom, my en suite. I then wipe my face and more specifically like my mouth. That took a completely different turn than I thought it was going to go. And I think to myself, that's a work. That's a funky towel. That is a weird towel. No, do you know what happened to the towel?

I was like, daddy, you're back. And I realized I've used that dirty towel. Yeah, I've used the cum towel to wipe my face. And do you know what, Ash? I don't know what women can find. I liked it. Yeah. Ash, as always, we've had a few listener questions come through

that we always try and tackle each week. Love it. Lay it on me. Do you? They want each week love it lay it on me do you i want some shitty advice lay it on me i never thought when i became a dad that i would end up having a podcast where i would try and help the good parents of australia it's not help that we're providing i get that word out of there it is not help question number one dribble it is nothing but pure dribble question number one ashton yes do you as a dad judge other dads absolutely i do see that i didn't even just point blank shit yeah you didn't look no look i i don't try and go crawling back you asshole

i subconsciously don't and do you absolute prick of a bloke you I- Oh, don't try and go crawling back, you asshole. I subconsciously don't and do. You absolute prick of a bloke. You tell yourself that you don't. Yes. But there's also a piece of you that you see a dad struggling with their kid, whatever the circumstances, and you're like, oh, I feel sorry for him. But at the same time, I'm like, sucked in, motherfucker. I don't give a shit.

So, like, this trip, for example, get on the plane, your eye secretly and just hoping for a worse behaved kid. Okay? So, I can look at that dad and be like, you don't know how to fucking do it. You know? Was there one on there? No, it was my kids.

People were looking at me going, you're the shittest, bro. Look, I think, yes, we do, but we judge different things. Like I'm more like face value judging, not their parenting style or stuff like that. Like so what do you mean? I'm like, why the fuck would you wear that? Why would you dress your kid like that? Look at him.

Comb his hair. Shit like that. You are so- I'm a sassy bitch. Coming from the guy who puts his kid in pyjamas on the floor. I know, I know. That's what I'm saying. I was that dad, okay?

In the world- Like, here you go. In the world of surfing, for example. Yes. It's a really good example. They call it a kook. But it's not about what you do in the water. It's what you do in and around the water.

Okay? What you do outside of the water. So, it's kind of like if me dressing my kids in pajamas, there's two types of people that would view that. One is just like, that's fucking genius because it's cold. He still needs to find a pair of pajamas. Granted, Oscar was also wearing female's pajamas. Okay, look. I don't have any right to judge,

so let's just move on after that. I think everyone does a little bit of judging, even though I'm very much an advocate for we should never judge other parents because we have no idea what they're going through. But that's not what I'm judging. I'm judging face value. I judge on, like, if I'm'm at the park and there's definitely been scenarios where I've seen like a child who wants nothing more than their parent

to just like play with them, run around the park, push them on the swing. Dude, that's boring. It is. It is. And do you know what though? Do you know what? I've had times at the park where I'm like Lola, Marley,

run free and have the time of your life. Don't come back. And I'm like, you know, drinking my and have a time of your life don't come back and i've like you know drinking my coffee i'm on my phone i've done that like i'm guilty of it but there's been times where i'm in great form and i'm that guy at the park he's like whoa daddy's a monster he's coming for you and then i look over at the other dads on their phone and I'm like, you pieces of shit. Yeah, but they're looking at you going, look at this fucking loser. Yes, the answer is yes. You can't help it. And you know what?

If I'm judging, I'm allowed to be judged. Matthew, question number two. Favorite song to sing when your kids are having a tantrum? Do you do this? I've more or less done this when the kids were younger and just out of control in the car because they hated the car, not the tantrum. Throw a song on.

And I was just like, I'm just going to throw something on to drown them out. But I wouldn't sing like at the top of my head. Oh, no, like, hey, don't get me wrong. I'm not belting out tunes in public to try and distract my kids. I am singing. I would judge you if you didn't. Yeah, I bet you fucking would. I would, yeah.

I bet you standing there being like, oh, and he's wearing those. He's wearing those shoes. Give him the golden buzzer moment. That's great. Welcome to Australia's Got Talent. But at the moment, the most common tantrum that I have on a regular basis is the fact that Lola hates being in the pram when we walk home from daycare. She's like, I do it.

Yeah. She literally says that. And we've got so many roads to cross and it's so freaking busy and I can't trust her because she's a maniac. So I've got to strap her in. She's losing it. Marley also wants to walk. She needs to sit on the scooter.

And so then I start saying, oh, I start singing, Lola, Lola, yes, dada, eating cookies, no, dada. And it's a Cocomelon song. Yeah, I know the one. And it doesn't matter how tantrum-y she is at that point in time, she'll always sing her lines. Yeah? Like it doesn't matter if she's like –

You've cracked the code, essentially. It's like, hey, I'll play the song right now, so in case anyone's not familiar, here's the song. Johnny, Johnny. Yes, Papa. Eating sugar. No, Papa. Telling lies.

No, Papa. Open your mouth. Ha, ha, ha. And it works every time. Works every time. And even Marley as well. She like can't help it. It's just like. I never thought. Never.

They're like hypnotized by. Is it like a call and respond sort of situation? Yeah. So there's like in the song, there's like the parent and the child. This is great parenting advice. I think Cocomelon. We're going to have to cut this bit out. Cocomelon is crack for kids. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You put the- As soon as you hear the- Also, Mrs. Appleberry. Mrs. Applebottom. Yeah, you- I've seen- You've posted about her. That's good stuff.

Yeah. Mate, there's dads out there listening to this. You know there's dads out there listening to this. You know there's dads out there listening to this going, he is 150% right. It's Cocomelon. It's a kid's cartoon. I'm looking for the porn parody. But Apple Bottom it is.

No, no, no. Enough. Mine's not bad either. You are an animal. I'm an animal today. All right. We put a call out there. We had that little question about-

We did put a call out there. What is your child stolen? We had lots of responses. One was a standout. One was a standout, but I do want to- There was a trend, a heavy trend on parents marching their kids back to wherever it is they stole something from. And returning it.

And returning it. So honest. So honest. But I guarantee the people at the shop were like, we don't want the fucking half-chewed Mentos back. There was a lady who like, I think their kid took a scooter and they shouldn't have realized when they were halfway home and they still took it back.

I'm like, no, it's- That's a free scooter. Yeah. That's play on. That's play on, absolutely. Do you want to read the story? No, I think you should. Okay, I'll read the story.

I'm no good at that. Okay. So, she says, daycare theft when the child's over three years old is next level. My now four-year-old son routinely whips out something and says, they said I could take it. Cars, arts and crafts, shit, other kids' drawings, a pair of girls' Paw undies oh my god teach him young i say this concerning freak he peaked he peaked when i opened his bag and found two

digital cameras the ones they use to take pics of the kids and update the app. Needless to say, I had to sneak those bad boys back the next day without making eye contact with any child or staff members. Every afternoon is a lucky dip. They knew. They knew 100%. Oh, yeah. This kid, Timmy. You've got a criminal on your hands.

Lock that kid up right now. Not just one, but two cameras. Two cameras. What was he going to just one But two cameras Two cameras What was he going to do With those two cameras Bravo Look he could have Just taken one

But he thought You know what I'm brazen I'm taking two I'm going all in Also The shittest cameras They have at Kindy

Like you get a photo Of your kid That's so fucking blurry Yeah This is 2020 What is it 2023 Yeah

This is 2023 Okay Take a picture on your iphone with live filter says the influencer says the guy who lives on his phone use a ring light use a ring light this poor girl's getting paid about 16 an hour to look after my kids and you come and pick it up being like, hey, just- Shit quality. Just a bit of advice, Rachel. Stop posting that my kid ate all their food and then you post a blurry photo of them.

Shout out to anyone who works in early education. Oh, yeah. Look, I could never do that job, obviously. Oh, don't try and come crawling back now, Ash. Don't try and redeem yourself. We all know how you feel about people. Not all heroes wear capes. Hey, Ash, we've got to get out of here.

We do have to get out of here. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. This is the episode. I just want to say one thing. We have had, you're on the responsibility of replying to people

who message us on the Instagram. Ash loves it. Don't. If you want to speak to Ash, the best way is to write to us on our Instagram at 2dotingdads. It'll be me.

But also, whilst it's great to have those messages, they're dead to me because they're not public. They're private. They're DMs. No one else is seeing them.

Comment. Leave a review. Send us a message in Apple Podcasts. Yeah. Can you do that? Not on a message, but write a review. If you're thinking Send us a message in... Apple Podcasts. Yeah. Can you do that? Not a message, but write a review. If you're thinking about sending a DM,

stop right there, put it on Apple Podcasts, make it public. Otherwise, it means nothing. Otherwise, fuck off. No. We've got to stop. I don't want to tell people. You've got to stop drinking beers and records

because you're getting very angry. No, no, no. Look, I love it when you comment because it's way, then I don't have to go into the DMs. But no, do send us a DM if you want to send me a DM. I have been trying to get to them.

You've done a great job. I went back three weeks last night and those listening will be like, I got the sorry message. Did people, when you responded, did they write back? They were like, nice try, champ. I got a lot of people

I get a lot of nice messages yeah keep them coming so yeah follow subscribe review share the episodes with a friend

love it if you did until then that's us see you later see you guys