Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Help I Have Haemorrhoids !

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

Ash's body continues to battle ailments - just after he was starting to get over his cold, his haemorrhoids have begun to flair up. Fingers crossed he'll be back to full health in no time (don't hold your breathe). Matt's having a tough week with Laura on the road with her Live Show tour - he's had to take on the bulk of the domestic duties but after getting the horns one night (whilst Laura worked late) he needed to air out his frustrations. Budgy Smuggler's Ordinary Parent segment is back with some beautiful submissions from the parents of this country. We also have a crack at answering your parenting questions: How did Matt and Ash meet and what made them want to start a podcast? How do you deal with other parents accusing your child of doing something mean? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

If I cough, every time I cough, my arsehole hurts from the hemorrhoids. I've a newfound appreciation for mums, mums that get hemorrhoids during the birthing process. But have you been squeezing too hard? Well, I've been sick, as we know. But being sick doesn't give you hemorrhoids. Yeah, but I've been smashing the painkillers. It's really upset my stomach and made me constipated.

And all of a sudden, I've established this hemorrhoid which is so fucking sore hang on hold that right there let me do an intro and then we'll talk about your Welcome back to Two Dating Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about hemorrhoids. The appreciation of hemorrhoids. The good, the bad, the relatable. And if you've come for hemorrhoid advice, please stop right now.

If you've come for hemorrhoid appreciation please stop right now if you've come for a hemorrhoid appreciation yeah and get comfortable you want to be heard this is it for those of you who have hemorrhoids this is all about you guys today yeah absolutely and look i will just say as well we still have a husky voice this episode the amount of wet women out there right now it's i i feel like right now is a perfect amount of husk. Yeah, it's good. It's like it's not too much. My throat doesn't hurt as much.

It just makes me sound like I'm a naughty boy. Daddy's home. But this episode, we've pre-recorded it. So Ash is still on holidays right now. At this point of you listening to the episode, I'm sure that Ash is- Fat as fuck. On the beach, on a daybed with a bucket of bintangs.

Yeah, absolutely. Probably sunburned because he doesn't wear sun cream. I'll wear zinc if I'm surfing, but that's about it. Bit of sun cream here or there. The residual of rubbing the children in sun cream goes onto my body. It's like dad tax. A strong game about how brown you're going to be coming back. Yeah, I'm going to be coming back. Yeah.

I'm going to be brown, baby. Don't you worry. Do you have any Irish blood in you? No, I've got no. My dad's indigenous and my mum's a Kiwi. No. Nothing else. Okay. Interesting.

No. Interesting. Why? His skin looks a bit. Wrinkly. Frail. Just live a tough life, mate. I've lived a hard life. So so this is uh this is the last

episode whilst ash is away and i'll be back as if relaxed hopefully without sickness hopefully without hemorrhoids before the intro we were talking about my hemorrhoids and my appreciation for women that went through the birthing process and got hemorrhoids through that. It's quite common. I think Laura, I think, well, she throws out a hemorrhoid joke like it's nothing. I can't tell if she actually has a hemorrhoid. Actually, do you know why I think she does have hemorrhoids? It's because back in the day. She screams when she shits. That's me.

Back in the day, Laura used to like a finger in the bum. I know. I've heard this. You have heard this? We often talk about it when you're over and Laura's in the day, Laura used to like a finger in the bum. I know, I've heard this. You have heard this? We often talk about it when you're over and Laura's in the room. Yeah. And since having kids. Decent visuals.

Yeah, Laura's like, hey, does this look weird? Smell my finger. But after kids, finger in the bum. No more. I can't remember the last time I put a finger in Laura's bum. Oh, great. Okay, good to know. I'm so glad that we established that. But like I was saying, Matthew, I'm in a lot of pain.

Right now? Yeah, a lot of pain. And because I've been sick, when I cough, my asshole does that thing that we call winking, where it winks. Fuck, it hurts, man. I don't know how these women did it. And also, another thing I found, so you've got to put a cream on it. Have you got hemorrhoid cream?

I've got some. Did you go to the pharmacy? No, no, no. April had some because April had some. Perfect. Hemorrhoid. Won't admit it, but why do you have the cream then? Dummy.

You're just guilty. I bought it by accident. Oopsie. that's not toothpaste anyway so the appreciation for a couple things one the pain that comes along with it but also the application of the cream so when i first started putting the cream on a couple days ago pretty clumsy okay just smear it on my butt just quickly are you doing in terms of application technique are you doing like laying down legs over the head no are you doing touching your toes bum in the mirror so you can see nah i'm just i'm going in pretty blind that's your

problem i know that's your problem and i originally it's like it's kind of like fumbling in the it's like i'm a virgin fumbling and trying to find the, and it's smeared all over my butt cheek. But then this morning, I did like a little half squat thing, dabbed straight on the spot, and I was like, I'm getting pretty good at this. So, half squat, no mirror involved still? No, straight in. So, you've got no- Eye sight is not involved.

You're going purely on instinct. I'm still like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like- Instinct. And because I've been doing it for a couple of days now, I've got better at it. So there's a lot of appreciation for me for mums out there that had to go through this. Do you have a shower before you applied the cream?

Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm clean. I shit. Okay. Uncomfortably shit. Scream a little bit. But yesterday was really bad because I was coughing everything up

from being sick. Oh, man. All right, that's it. I coughed in the car and I was driving and my foot hit the brake. It was like, ah, because I had to clench my butthole. Anyway, that's enough butthole talk. But I just want to know, are you going to go to the doctors? Oh, absolutely not.

Classic man move. Dude, you've got to go. the doctors? Oh, absolutely not. Classic man move. Dude, you've got to go. No, it's actually feeling a little bit better today as long as I don't cough. So if you do go to the doctors, I guess they're just going to prescribe you that cream, right? Well, I guess so. What's the- Look, my doctor is a young- If she's listening, I'm sorry.

I did go to the doctor yesterday for my throat. And she's like, is there anything else? Yeah, she's like, is there anything else you'd like to talk to me about? And I was like, look, she's quite young. And I thought, no. Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You want an old man.

I want an old man who's been around the traps. Yeah. Been around a few assholes. Yeah. Anyway, that's enough asshole talk. Matthew. Yes. How are you?

Feeling better? I feel better. A bit run down. Still are you? Feeling better? I feel better. A bit run down. Still have the husk, but I feel better. Okay. Here's a question for you. Okay. Yep.

In your relationship with April, for those of you- My lovely wife. Who don't know, you guys have two children. Did you ever have, I want to call it strategic conversation about who's doing what and how you know, how you're going to share the load of parenting. In just like day-to-day, regular? Yeah, like where you're at right now at this point. Because, you know, you have the kids, is it Thursday, Friday? Yeah, so we're usually both off on a Friday.

So, look, I still do some work on Friday, but my priority is, it's like a family day for us. Yeah, yeah. But Thursday I have Macy, but next year I'll have both of them at this stage on a Thursday. But April, she works full-time or she has – No, she works at the moment because some people are on leave, but she usually works Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

Monday is her day with the kids and then Tuesday they go to kindy, Wednesday kindy, Thursday Oscar goes to kindy stillnesday kindy thursday oscar goes to kindy still but i've got macy then friday everyone's everyone's kind of off off so then how did you get to that arrangement well originally i was working full time so majority of the parenting was april because i was had to go the offer. Now I'm much more flexible. It varies from week to week depending on what we've got on and what she's got on. But I would say the conversation probably happens nearly weekly because it's so different.

If there's nothing happening and it's like if I wasn't sick this week and last week because of school holidays and Oscars off, I would have been, had Oscars so much more, but poppers had to help out because I haven't been well. It's a hard one to answer because I don't think a rigid, I think when April, say, first went back to work and I was working full time, it was like, okay, April's like, these are going to be my working days.

I just need you to work from home maybe on the days off just in case I need you. And that's probably the most extent that it went to. Was there ever a conversation about April not working and being a full-time mum or maybe you not working and you being a full-time dad? No, April loves her job. She always wanted to go back.

I don't think there was ever a conversation that one of us is going to be a full-time dad just because financially we were like. It's too hard. It was going to be way too hard. Like we were going to have to juggle and i mean everyone's dynamic is different i'm sure laura and yours is going to be much different as i witness all the time that and also witness the change in both of yours because of different opportunities that you both have but uh for us like look a lot of it's winging it to be completely honest but like yeah look yeah it's a tough question to answer because it varies weekly at the moment but that could change that could change

next week if i say someone offered me a job to do something that's going to be every week on a specific day we would need to change things around you got to take those opportunities absolutely i think we it would have been the start of this year, January, Laura got the opportunity to do radio. Yeah, the pick-up, right? Does the pick-up, 3 p.m., and Laura is insane in what she takes on. So she's got the jewellery business. Yeah. Did you have Dancing with the Stars as well?

Did Dancing with the Stars as well. She has a podcast, and then she took on the radio show. And when we had that come about there was a sit down where laura all of a sudden had the full sit down i had a sit down and laura kind of said look this is what the week is going to look like yeah because no longer will her schedule be fluid when she was on just the podcast she'd record like you know any other day like it was never consistent but now it's very regimented like monday is a record day tuesday is this and she kind of said like i'm gonna be gone 7 a.m on these days and i remember when you were doing the dance when she was doing the dancing

with the stars and you were like she was out the door like 6 30 i remember this because we did speak about it briefly then out the door at like so early and then back at 10 o'clock at night for like five weeks straight or something and that was you know we both agreed yeah yeah it was a yes thing it was going to be short-term pain when those opportunities pop up like you said when something yeah if something pops up you gotta say yes you gotta make it work yeah yeah and april's the same with me if something popped up with me and it's like hey she would be like this opportunity is huge you gotta go you gotta do it totally but at the moment there's i think this is probably now the busiest that laura's ever been we're the most stressed i've ever seen

you and it's it's hard because i'm stressed but also like i know i'm not in the right like i've got frustration at the moment also laura is starting a live show tour for the podcast yeah yeah this week coming with a million dates seven whole months yeah yeah and again that was all agreed and it's amazing because it gives us so much financial security totally yeah which you know is something that it's like you can't put a price on that yeah yeah totally yeah like honestly she's a workhorse she is a weapon and she genuinely loves her. And loves her. And she's so good at it.

And look, you genuinely support her and I witness that. And there's been times when, you know, I've done opportunities and I've been away. And so the pendulum has swung both ways. And right now it's very much in the favour of Laura doing the work and I'm doing the kids. But Monday is a day where Laura is, it's the busiest day of the week. So she records really early.

She has to edit as well that night. So she works until 10 o'clock or later. I was a little bit sick, Ash. Sorry about that. I was a little bit horny. Oh. A little bit horny. Both.

But Monday nights are just not the night. It's never going to happen. Because, you know, who's got time for sex when you're so busy? And so I was looking at Laura. She was working on a laptop and I was like, well. Sexy secretary. I was like, I may as well. I'll put the washing out because I'm just waiting for Laura.

That's foreplay for Laura though. You know that. Smart. Know your wife. Tick one. She didn't even look at me. Didn't blink. Busy bee.

I was putting the laundry basket down the floor, making a bit of noise. I was doing the dishwasher as well, like banging plates. And Laura looks at me and goes, is something the matter? Are you okay? I have an erection. Sorry about that. At that point, I didn't know that i was i was getting really horny i was kind of annoyed but i didn't really realize why and then laura's like what's the problem like honestly

tell me and i was like i just want to have sex and she's like oh wow she's like you know like we can't this is not going to happen yeah yeah and at the same time taking on a lot of the domestic chores. Like as an example, Laura's car rego is overdue. So I've got to go and get that pink slip and get it renewed and just everything else. And this is all stuff that has been totally articulated between us. It's not a surprise to me that I have to do these things. I knew what I was getting myself into.

You just feel like you're behind a bit. I do that too where I feel like there's things that yeah like might fall into my remit at home where it's like oh fuck i'm behind on that and i kind of get frustrated but i'm more frustrated with myself totally yeah totally and it's not like laura's sitting there drinking a gin and tonic just like do that over there when you finish doing registration, make sure you do the insurance. And, yeah, I have moments where I need to check myself because if Laura wasn't taking on these opportunities, we wouldn't be in the house that way. Oh, totally, yeah.

You know, we wouldn't have the kids in Dakin. It means I can do stuff like this podcast. Yes, and similar for us. Like, April's got a secure job that you know is a secure paycheck with what we do it's a bit sometimes it can be a bit flimsy you know you just don't know where you stand so look i've noticed you've taken on this year in particular you may you've been fucking flat out so i don't ever yeah and sometimes and I'm not saying this is a correct thought to have, like far from it, but there's sometimes when, like Thursdays,

we agreed that I would have the kids all day on a Thursday. Thursday's daddy-daughter day. It's daddy-daughter day. Can't interrupt that. Even I get a talking to if I try and interrupt that from you. And sometimes I love it and sometimes, you know, I'm like, fuck. It's okay to be frustrated parents think that like you've got to be this perfect parent all the time or you've got to be even just a parent

sometimes you're allowed to scream into a pillow and it's okay you're not gonna be judged by me sometimes i was sending an email is a hell of a lot fucking easier than having the kids when they're tired and they're hungry. Oh, and cranky. And they're frustrated. Yeah. Yesterday, especially like a day like yesterday, what, 35 degrees. You know, we go for a swim and stuff. But then when we're hanging out at home and it's so fucking hot here

that like he's cranky because he's hot. I'm cranky because I'm hot. And it's just like a fucking absolute nightmare. And it's like, what do you do? You got to go and take a shit for 30 minutes and just reject yourself and think like well it could be way worse marley this morning and maybe that's why i'm also in a bit of a bad mood she loves right now she's obsessed with drawing love hearts on a folded piece of paper you cut out oh yeah yeah yeah yeah you unfold it's like a butterfly but it's in the shape of a love heart and she loves that loves it so much and she wants

to cut out the love heart herself but look i'll be honest she's bloody useless on a set of scissors she is four no good no good and she wants to do it herself but she can't do it she misses the lines she was flipping out yeah frustrated oh oh it's like oscar with the hot wheels tracks like he's ripped a hole in that bag because same thing. He wants to build this thing that just theoretically, physically won't do that. You know what I mean? He just gets so frustrated that it won't do it.

It's kind of like we both, then we get frustrated. He gets frustrated. I'm still walking around with an erection. He's from the night before. I'm knocking over scissors and colour pencils marley's like stop ruining everything totally so even though even though i am having those moments where i'm frustrated because i'm a bit sick a bit horny as hungry as well that little mix of ingredients together it makes mad at cranky guy and i now know that but i have to

like fuck i have to i have to check myself because i'm like you always want what you don't have right i know that if i was working if i was the guy on the kitchen table working at 10 o'clock at night and laura wasn't i'd be like fuck it must be nice to be laura like tonight yeah it must be nice to be you know you know watching tv with kids or playing with kids or like totally i don't even just hanging out the washing sometimes you're like fuck it's nice to get away from the kids eh totally you're like but it doesn't matter the annoying thing about me and i'm sure other people are the same doesn't matter what you don't have in that moment that's the thing that you want and and i'm like fuck no i need to i'm like fucking so lucky that like i can take the thursday off and i can spend it with the kids and like fuck i didn't

have a dad you know yeah totally like it sounds really minuscule and like not important but i'm like in the scheme of things that minuscule and non-important thing is actually quite major yeah yeah and like it's okay to like feel that way and sometimes you've got to stop, check yourself, understand your reality to make you appreciate what you've actually got. I know that right now Marley's favorite game to play is Unicorn Fairy Princesses and I'm the monster that she has to kill. Yeah, exactly.

I know that Lola's favorite spoon is the purple one, which is Peppa Pig when she has a Weet-Bix in the morning. These are things that are like- you could be missing out a lot of parents don't have the ability to have that knowledge of their toddler because they're not there because they're out working yeah like my dad like went to work and so did my mom they went to work and then they came home and they missed everything i've done all day. So it's okay to feel like that. Just give yourself an uppercut. Just check yourself. No, I do.

I do. And it's always like if there's one person that I shouldn't argue with, it's Laura because she's always one step ahead of me. Oh, yeah. And she's also like naturally when you have an argument, the frustration is targeted towards Laura unfairly. And Laura's like, hang on a second. Let's just look at the situation.

And I'm like, ah, fuck. Yeah, totally. She's good. She's good. She's good. Good rebuttal, babe. Yeah. And she's like, and go masturbate.

Yeah, sweet. And then I come out, I'm like, hey, everything's great. Hey, he's back. So, Matt, there's something I wanted to show you. And our lovely listeners love to pull us up on things. And they did pull us up on something from a segment we did, which was lies, which says that we shouldn't encourage them to be scared of police officers. Yes.

Or the police. Because they're the good guys. They're the good guys. But I came across a video last night while I was doom scrolling, while not talking to April, like when the kids had gone to sleep and that's the only time we have together, we both just doom scroll. That's the decompress time, baby. Decompress.

So, I came across a video. I thought this is a bit too much. It's quite a long video. Essentially, what it is, is a dad who is potty training his kid, has a certain technique to try and scare him into potty training, which has to do with the police. So I'll turn the volume up and you can actually watch it, Matt. Oh, shit, oh, shit.

They're calling me. They're calling me. It's the cops. What up? Oh, yeah. I don't know. Someone shit their self. I'm not.

No, no. I don't know who it was. I can't. It's the child's name. No, I can't. Cash, kind of. No, no. How are you, Mark? I can't. Youell it No, I can't Cash, Kyle, he's a Howardian boy I can't tell it

I can't tell it No, I can't tell it Are you sending the cops right now? Yeah I can't tell it Oh no Help me Have you ever been to a children's prison?

Talk to him. Talk to him. Hurry up. It's not a fun place. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. That poor kid. Traumatized.

Look, that's pretty red hot. There must be some sort of like dialer. Dialer fake police station. When I saw that, I was like, oh, my God. Like, that kid is going to be traumatized from the police. But it got me thinking about potty training. And, look, I think that's funny, but also a bit harsh on the poor little fella. For anyone who couldn't make out what was happening, the dad was calling the police for shitting himself?

Shitting himself and not going to the toilet. Like, they've been trying to train. What a heinous crime. So heinous. Disgusting. Those type of people. Lock up. Lock them up.

Lock those kids up. Throw away the key. I love how he gave him the phone and he was like, it was literally like a service saying, have you ever been to children's prison? No. It is not a good place. So good.

It reminded me of a story. So, Oscar, obviously, earlier this year, and we spoke about Oscar toilet training and stuff like that. So, he is toilet trained successfully, goes to the toilet, does poos. Obviously, not overnight, though. We're still in a nappy in case he wees himself at night, which I don't have enough bed sheets in this house because he would wee himself every night.

So, I get seven different types of bedsheet. Just an extra job for me. So, nappy overnight at the moment. And sometimes in the morning, he's still in the nappy. He'll take it off himself usually. But the other day, he was like, I got to go poo. And I was like, okay, that's cool. Like to tell you, he'll wipe my bottom when I'm done.

Of course, I will. I'd love to do that. That's why I'm here. That's my favorite I'm going to wipe my bottom when I'm done. Of course I will. I'd love to do that. That's why I'm here. That's my favorite thing to do is wipe your shitty arsehole. I thought you'd never ask. At least wine and dime me first. Maybe put some makeup on. So he ran up and it was very quiet up there.

Which is always a concerning situation. Yeah, very concerning. And I looked, I was sitting on the couch behind you, Matthew, there, and I looked up the stairs and I saw him. He was sitting there watching TV. I was like, did you go to the toilet? He was like, yeah. I was like, one, didn't hear it flush. Two, I didn't hear the tap

go. And three, he didn't call out for me to help you wipe. He was like, no, it's all good. I was like, no, it's not. So, I got up, I started walking upstairs. He was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I was like, no, it's not. So I got up. I started walking upstairs. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I was like, okay. I walked in, opened the door and the toilet seat was down. And I was like, okay.

And then I opened it up and then I saw there was a nappy in the corner. So what he's done is he's pooped himself in the nappy prematurely must have needed to poo so bad that he's pooped himself prematurely and then he's flicked the nappy off it's hit the wall the poo is smeared down the wall of the bathroom gets better but because he's pooed himself in the nappy it's smeared onto his butt cheeks he sat on the toilet seat and smeared shit across the toilet seat and then the rest of what was left over is in the bottom and I was like, what the fuck's going on? He's like, it's fine.

I turn around and I'm like, I've noticed that there's no toilet paper anywhere and I was like, come here. He's like, no. I was like, come here. Come over here. And he's like, no. And I'm like, come here. He's like, no. I was like, come here. Come over here. And he's like, no. And I'm like, pull your pants down. Pull his pants down.

And he's got shit smeared across his butt cheeks. And I was like, this is a fucking crime scene. Call the police. Mate, call the- That's what I was like, that warranted. If you don't call me to- I just knew. You were going away for a very long time.

Very long time. Anyway, I was in a position where I was like, where do I start? Where do I start the cleaning process? Do I clean the boy? Do I clean the toilet? Do I clean the wall? What did you go with? I let him stew in his and i cleaned up everything and i was like come here let me aggressively wipe this dried poo that's all over you but he was willing to hide that thinking i'm

never gonna find it use your brain man i'm gonna find that you're better than that the best thing was it was like he must have kicked the nappy off with his foot and it just hit the tiled wall and slid down like a perfect graffiti on the wall. Does he ever like to wipe his own bum or he always wants you to do it? He's given it a go and a couple of times, okay. Probably clean snap off. I love clean snap off. That's the best. But do you know what I love?

This is going to sound disgusting. When I take a shit and I've got to wipe and I find that perfect itchy spot. Fucking Jesus. Is that before or after you had hemorrhoids? Is this before? Long before. Do you know when you find that little hemorrhoid and you give a little tap along? Nothing is better.

On that note, let's go to our Bungie Smoker segment. We're just ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing. Because we're ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. So, Matthew, this segment, as you know, we celebrate the ordinary

or a hack, an ordinary hack or something. We get sent in from listeners via email, via DMs. We get them. They're great. We love them. And they have the opportunity to win $200 worth of Budgie Smuggler gear. And can I just say it is the perfect time right now to invest in some budgie smugglers i know i was down mona vale beach in my guy fiera fiery budgie smugglers and my heads were shaken does april like it or is

she she's all for it she's like look at this rig at the moment classic 90 plus kilos and for anyone who doesn't know what those budgies look like they're on our instagram oh they are when we first met we took a photo together in those exact budgies in the fire budgie they're great i think they're still available yeah there's a guy there in jaws ones as well and the sharks right on the crutch love Love that. That's great. So, this is Bungie Smuggler's Most Ordinary Parent. Well, I've got one for you, which I thought is kind of a hack. Also very lazy on the parent's behalf, but effective. Please, hit me.

So, this is from Chloe. Chloe emailed us at 2DD, 2WODD at Outlook.com.au, where you can send yours. And she says, if I have to work or go to the gym early in the morning and I've got to get the kids up extra early, I dress them in their clothes slash uniform the night before. And I think that's great, especially when she says uniform because it's like, obviously, these kids are going to go to school. And she's just like, nah, go to sleep in your school uniform.

There you have it, Jarvis. I've had a lot of people submit that. I think it's not uncommon uncommon but it's great to know that people are talking about it openly because it's fucking genius absolutely i'm gonna do it we were talking about we've got to go to the airport really early on monday and we're like what do we do just dress in the night before i'm taking that one that's mine you've bragged about how you've got the winner for this week so fire away i think i've got a great one okay and it came in at the 11th hour oh i love that it's from meg she's written in this is a dm okay dm you can't obviously

email but this one came straight through slipped into the dms of two dating dads and she says hey guys i love the podcast beautiful you're awesome thank you i know guilty and she goes i just thought i'd send in a message for the most ordinary parent as i sit here on a tuesday night and it's my daughter's first birthday tomorrow and she's having a party on saturday where she will get lots and lots of gifts oh obviously friends family members very spoiled for a first birthday So me and the hubby, she says, have decided to get wrapping paper and wrap up all of her old toys that she already has so she can then unwrap them tomorrow herself.

Savvy savings. I love it. It's great. I mean, I've heard of that before where people just like, just rewrap them because they don't know. They have no idea. They're not going to know at all. They don't know their left hand from the right.

Do you think when they're 18 they're going to be like, do you remember when you re-wrapped all of my toys? You think I didn't know? I remember. Bitch. You bitch. And then you profited off it and won $200 worth of budget. Does Meg win?

Meg wins. That's great. Look, I'm all for cost saving and gaslighting your children. Love that. Genius. So. Meg, I'm going to reach out. I'll reply.

Matt will reply. Congratulations. We will send the voucher. And we are doing four of these in November. There's going to be four weeks of four ordinary parents to coincide with most ordinary rig so if you want some budgie smuggler gear in time for summer get them in get them in so look and the turnaround is really quick the guys at budgie have been like sending the voucher pretty much straight up i even think we'll extend it out so if you're not a parent but you're an auntie you're an uncle ordinary relative

yeah ordinary relative or even if you're just like a you know a god parent even if you're an auntie, you're an uncle. Ordinary relative. Yeah, ordinary relative. Or even if you're just like a god parent. Even if you're just an ordinary person. We'll take them. Get them in because we've got four of them to give away in November. That's $800 worth of gear up for grabs. And you can win it more than once. If you're just a flat-out ordinary piece of shit, I want to hear it. Come in. Come in.

Come in for a second bite of the apple. Absolutely. Now, Matthew. Questions? Let's go to some questions. Let's finish this off today. Okay, this one, a lot of people have asked this question. A lot of people.

The worst Trump. A lot of people. They keep talking. That's quite good. Yeah? That's quite good. The husky. Okay, this one was, how did you guys meet and what made you want to start a podcast?

We met at an orgy. No. I'll just do some of the answer. We met making content, but then we actually had a blind date was our first. Yes. So, Matthew had an invitation to amas party that i wasn't invited to from meta i think and he said hey laura doesn't want to go or people who don't know meta is like instagram and facebook it was like uh it sounds wanky as it was a christmas party for content

creators yeah and i was like and i was like fuck i don't to go. But I know a guy who likes to party. I even asked, like, who's attending? And I said, can I bring a friend? And then I threw out the invitation to yourself. Yeah, it was good. And then we met. We had a couple of beers beforehand. I thought, this guy seems lovely. I got pretty lit up.

And then afterwards, we made a few videos in the corresponding months. People were into it? Yeah. And I said to Matt, we should do a podcast. And he politely said, no. Okay said no okay so anyway a couple of months at this point i was still sussing you out yeah still sussing out my credibility and then uh my gas lighted him and said uh i've got another dad don't worry about it forget about it and a week later i said are you sure well we did a i don't know if at this point we agreed to doing a full like series

together we did a test record oh we did yeah yeah we did a test record at my house and i thought let's see what this guy's got let's see if let's see he's got good chat when he's out and about let's see if it translates to a microphone which doesn't often happen ash no and that was you know i was a little bit nervous going into that. You were shocked. I didn't know how you were going to perform. Did I shock you? I was, it was this epiphany where I was like, here he is. Here he is in his glory.

The man I'm waiting for. This is where he's supposed to be. I had wanted to do a podcast. I just didn't have the person to do it with. But yeah, look, that's how it came about. We did the record. We actually had a really fun time. And here we are. We built a beautiful friendship

And sometimes with friendships You don't know where it's going to come from But as long as you're open to it You'll find the one This is getting real sappy And I'm really not into it And I'm really going to miss you I'm really uncomfortable now

And you're in Bali When I'm in Bali Maybe I'll find a Bali mat Don't Even joke about that I wouldn't I wouldn't do Bali, maybe I'll find a Bali map. Don't even joke about that. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it to you. I'll be available on the phone whenever you

need me. What have we got here? Okay. Oh, actually, this is a good question. I like this one. Matthew, how do you deal with parents accusing your child of doing something mean? Look, it's a real sticky one there. Actually came from a daycare teacher if there's no evidence it never fucking happened i picked up the kids the other day from daycare and normally

as we've spoken about previously it's the conversation is like hey how was she she had a great day thanks so much we'll see you tomorrow goodbye yes it's always like they had a great day and then she goes oh i need to talk to you about something. And I was like, what seems to be the problem? And I look at Lola, who's just so sweet, innocent, her little pigtails, and she's sitting there still sucking a dummy. And she goes, Laura, I mean, Laura. Laura's a kindy.

Lola has been hitting other people. Did you say, show me the proof? Yeah, I was like, where are the bruises on the other kids? Yeah. And they were there. She'd been backhanded. It's that old thing where it's like, should have seen the other guy. And sometimes I'm like, I wonder if it's because I play really rough with kids.

And I'm like, also like smack me on the bottom. Yeah. So they've learned it from you. Yeah, I could be enabling this type of behavior. Ordinary parent. But I was like, oh, what do I do? I tried to be concerned as she was telling me. I was like, oh, my gosh.

Oh, no. But you also didn't care. Yeah. I know. My theory behind it is like where there's smoke, there's fire, right? Oscar's so timid. If a kid gets near him at a playground, he fucking runs off. He's not hitting nobody.

So if someone accuses him i'm like you've got the wrong kid but if it's legit and i've seen him not square up i've seen him get a little bit like defensive but like he he honestly like i've never seen him hit anything so i would be that have to really he's never been, he never went through like a biting phase? No, no. He's always been like this timid kid. But look, if someone said, look, I just witnessed Oscar hit someone, I would go, okay, well, the adult, I would believe first. And then I would say, buddy, just be honest. Did you hit that person? And just, you know, it is, you just never know, right? But if it was Macy, I'd believe it. I think it's going to get harder when the kids get a bit older, when the kids are like six, seven, and eight,

and they start to get a bit nasty where it's like you can't play nice. But I also think like let the kids hash it out a little bit. Yeah. Look, let them hash it out because you're not always going to be there to be like your kid. Can you imagine if our kids are 18 and you come up to me and you said your kid hit my kid. My answer would be, did your kid hit him back?

And if not, why not? And if they did, let's just make a little ring here at the playground. Yeah, get it over with. And write the shirts off, boys, and get it over with. Yeah, get it over with. Let's see who's really tough around you. It's also good to be like, hey, don't hit, yeah, but get a bit mongrel about you sometimes.

Anyway, stop being a snitch they're like your kid hit my kid it's like snitch you're the one in the boys group everyone no one tells anything because you're a snitch okay so i i don't mind a snitch no you wouldn't i don't mind it it's hard man because you don't want the kids to, like, at the drop of a hat, come running to you at the playground and be like, this happened. But at the same time, I'm like. Fight it out a little bit. No, well. I don't know.

We're giving mixed opinions here. We're really going full circle. Let's agree on one thing. No one likes a snitch. I don't hate it. I don't hate it. I'll protect Marley no matter what. Even if Marley.

I'll die for you. Even if Marley's standing there with a serrated knife covered in blood, I'm like. She didn't hate it. I'll protect Marley no matter what. Even if Marley- I'll die for you. Even if Marley's standing there with a serrated knife covered in blood, I'm like- She didn't do it. Give it to daddy. I'll wash it and get rid of the idiots. You're like rubbing it on your t-shirt. It's like, no blood on there anymore.

I'm so bad like that. You just hide your kids. She's so beautiful and innocent. She could never hurt a fly. Your kid's the problem. I know. Yeah. Look, some kids, some other kids are the problem let's just leave it at that yeah you have you

have a very good holiday you deserve this you've been working hard oh you're covered in hemorrhoids you're sick your blood covered in hemorrhoids you're literally it's like talking to a giant hemorrhoid right now i know i'm just a big red polyp and so you yeah when you're literally it's like talking to a giant hemorrhoid right now I know just a big red polyp and see you yeah when you're back when you're back and rested and brown

you're tanned get some waves hopefully it's like I don't surf anymore shaka bra shaka's bra I hate bra just I'm just saying

it's kind of going away I know I'm waiting to go to Bali just bagoos if you like this episode please subscribe follow us on Instagram

leave a little review we love that I'm going to go sip on a few bintangs but it's been nice to speak to you again Matthew so let's just go

see ya bye Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.