Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Holiday Rules and Being Out-daded

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Ash has just returned from a relaxing little weekend away with some families from his mother's group. Whilst he was on the shitter, he noticed a strange note on the door in front of him. Turns out, the house they were staying out was stricter than a nun's convent. The most important rule? Never talk about the rules on a parenting podcast, which Ash was happy to break. Matt also had a weekend away, however something happened that shook him to his core. He was out-daded by another dad. Both Marlie and Lola had moved on to green pastures a.k.a a more fun dad in the pool. Let's hope Ash doesn't get the same idea. We share your best Ordinary Parenting stories as well as have a crack at answering your listener questions: Are there any good parts of parenting? How do you deal with others judging your parenting? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What I was saying, Matt. Go on. I'm feeling a little bit old. So, last night, I was having a wank. Yeah. And I've done something to my shoulder somehow. How hard were you wanking? The usual.

Vigorous. But I've done something to my shoulder and this morning, I'm all right now because I've had to take some anti-inflammatories. You're fucking kidding me. No. Oh, my God. Welcome back to Two Dirty Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash.

This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And look, if you have come to this podcast and for some reason you are hoping to get any kind of advice, I'm sorry to say that we don't give any whatsoever. Zero, zero. But if you've come here wanting to hear about Ash injuring himself

as he wanks, then get comfortable because you're in for a treat. Yay. So this morning, you've taken an anti-inflammatory. You've got your injury. Yeah, so I said, hey, my shoulder's really sore. Obviously, I didn't want to tell her why. And I said, oh, it must have been from when I, like, picked up the dog. The dog's tiny.

The dog's like the size of a rat. The dog weighs about three kilos. That's the excuse I went with. That's even more concerning if you're like, I lifted up that pen and I've injured myself. April's like, oh, my gosh, are you okay? And she said, is it the same reoccurring shoulder? I'm like, yeah. So you've done it before.

You're going to have to get a reconstruction. And the surgeon's going to be like, what did you do? I was like, well. Baseball, you know. Baseball, cricket. Like I wank a lot. It was just a very vigorous wank. Mate, it's a sad reality.

I know. I threw my back out literally. Trying to suck your own dick. Let's get off dicks. But yeah, tell us about your back. I haven't done that in quite a while. No, I just woke up. I woke up and all of a sudden my back is fucking sore.

I can't. Every step I take is with a deep a breath of lower back yeah you're gonna make like that he's like always but he's does like manual labor what's your excuse just slept wrong yeah thing you can get injured from sleeping wrong absolutely like what you can't escape like i said i just want one week without an ailment i got a pimple inside my nose that is i can't even touch my nose. I tried to blow my nose before leaving the house before, and I just about died.

Whereabouts is it? Which nostril? It's this side. It's up in there. It's like there. If that hurt. Well, the good thing is, Ash, I can't see the pimple, and you look fantastic.

You look well-rested. At the time of recording, we are yet to be on stage, but Ash and I have got our first hosting gig. We are doing the Australian Podcast Awards, which I don't know if we've mentioned on the podcast, but we are nominated. We are nominated, yeah. In the category of best podcast in parenting.

They're mental, nominating us. Well, we can say this will come out after the awards and we already know that we haven't won because we're hosting the awards we've already got the script and we had a phone call where they were like hey this is how it's going to happen you didn't win just just slid it in there just rip the band-aid it was like calling up your partner and you're like hey how are you good we? Good. We should break up. And yeah, I got your shirt. So let's go back. But my response to that was, what sort of world would we live in if we would win a parenting podcast?

Concerning. I would hate to live in that world. Let the people who know what they're talking about win. We'll just make jokes about it. Well, I'm just, we were up against Hamake and uh we just wanted to beat hamish so we technically we did yeah she said you were second best but ash is doing his first big bit of emceeing and he's a little bit i'm fucking so i'm a mess i can't be alone with my own thoughts that's pretty much where i'm at i was driving over here

and i was like this is this is bad what did you listen to on the drive over i just had to put really loud drake on but it was just all the sad boy songs you will feel so good oh i know once we get it done i know look i look one thing i do well is talk shit. Yes, very good. But just the thought of doing it in front of that many people. But I need to do it. Yeah.

I keep telling myself that. I'm good. I'm all right. We'll check in with you tomorrow. I'm fucking shaking now that we're talking about it. Anyway, let's move on. I've never seen you so antsy. Let's move on.

Did you have a good weekend? I know you were away. Yeah, I just was going to talk to you about that because we were both it. I know. Let's move on. I've never seen you so antsy. Let's move on. Did you have a good weekend? I know you were away. Yeah, I just was going to talk to you about that because we were both away. We were both away. Not on the same trip. One day. One day, I hope.

I don't have the budget. Where'd you guys go? I just stayed at a local bus stop. We went up to Central Coast. One of the mother's group has a- Oh, this fucking mother's group. Shut your mouth. Go on.

They have a holiday house up there. When you just- Who's got the other holiday house down south? Well, this is like a more- This is one down south, different couple. This is a different couple altogether, but the house is- How have you infiltrated a mother's group where every second person has a holiday house? I think they just feel sorry for me.

They want this guy to live somewhat of a life like us. Yeah. One of us. Anyway, it's a different family altogether. But the thing is with this house is it's shared between 22 cousins and aunties and something apparently who has 22 cousins i don't know i don't know you should have seen the family photo i should have taken a photo what was it what was the family photo was one of those 100 people from like the night it looked like a 90s sitcom but it was like 30 people anyway they work on a

google calendar for who has the holiday house and there's all these rules everywhere like fully written out like the house like what kind of rules uh i took a photo okay because you know i don't know i've done this i dare say that ash you were not someone who likes to follow the rules this is the house rules but keeping in mind this is on the back of the toilet door so do you read it out to me? Okay, I'll read it. I'll show you first. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

That's, oh my. So, let me just rattle off a couple. Yeah. You must be eight years or over to play on the pool table. That's discriminatory. Someone's put a cheeky zero next to it. 80. That's me.

All indoor and outdoor gardens and lawns, plants, sorry, must be watered. Must be before you leave. Did you water the plants? No. After using washing machine, turn off power and hot and cold water tap. Yeah, that's fair enough. No children allowed to walk around with food or dirty hands. That's tough.

Everything you use must be cleaned, especially the stove, toilet, basin, showers, no perishable foods to be left in the pantry or fridge. And then it's just randomly. That's a bit of common sense. That's rule six, but then it's got have a nice day. You motherfuckers. And then it goes on to rule seven. It's like, is it just like a, we just have like a little break in the middle.

The dad's like, I won't do too many rules. Then he's like, have a nice day. He would have stepped away and gone, oh, God. Got another one. The outdoor barbecue. Yeah, it's funny. The writing gets smaller and smaller too. All windows and doors must be locked when you leave the house.

That's fair enough. All garbage must be taken with you when you leave. Fair enough. What about the bin outside? Do not add rules to the list. This is my list and no one will touch it. Number 10, all children must be taken with you when you leave. It is unfair to leave them for others.

I mean, I wonder how many times one of the cousins has rocked up and they've opened the door and there's like three children sitting there and they're like, oh, God damn it. I love how they had to explain that. Timmy's kids are here again. They had to explain that. It must be taken are here again. They had to explain that. It must be taken with you when you leave. It's unfair to leave them for others.

Why would I leave my kids for others? Okay, he's having a bit of bants here. Dick. Do you reckon he's trying to like soften the strictness of the rules by like I'll put in one gag. A little joke. Yeah, one gag. A gag rule.

No, this is the thing. And like I said, keep in mind, this is on the back of the toilet door. So, you shut the door. There it is. You're sitting down doing your business. I'm going to say that's a weird place to have the rules. I know. But then it had-

This is the last rule. Do not read this notice while on the toilet. Concentrate on what you're doing. I'm not making this up. Who is this person? Let's find this rule writer. It's- Fuck. Get down. Who is this person? Let's find this rule writer. It's fucked. Are they Aussie?

Yeah, they were real churchy. Not our friends, but the extended family. So the grandmother used to live there before she died. She was the sort of person where it was like if- It was all these single beds because there was no sex allowed in the house, like unless you were married or at all. She's called them sex parties. No sex parties here.

Wait, so then how did you and April sleep? What was the setup there? Well, we don't have sex anyway, so. No, no. That is a lie. We're in single beds. You and April in single beds? Yeah, there we were.

Did you not try and like sneak in together and have like a little cheeky one? No, I didn't want to be smited by the holy spirits of the house. Yeah, she would have been watching down for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was a really, really fun trip. There's one thing that really fucking angered me, and this is just me having a whinge. Other than the rules.

Rules I thought were funny because I just made a joke about them the whole time. So you can't break the rules. Rules I thought were funny because I just made a joke about them the whole time. So you can't break the rules. But we went down to like this cafe and park, like a park and whatever. And we're just having coffee. And there was a couple there with two dogs. And you know my thought, dogs aren't kids. They kept referring to their dogs as, come on, kids. They're like, come on, kids.

Come here, kids. And I was like- Wait, this- Couple. Couple. They've already got kids, though? No. No kids.

They had two dogs and they were calling them kids. Right. Did they have them in prams or were they- No. That's not as bad as I thought. They were roaming. They weren't on leads, but they were going, come on, kids. Come on.

And I was like, they're not fucking kids. They're dogs. That shits me. me no let them have their moment no because we suffer every day because of the kids and they're essentially what they're saying to me is yeah that this is as hard as it is for you or what they could be saying is that they treat their pets with so much love and affection and they they value their company so much that they could only ever refer to them not as a pet but as a child i knew you wouldn't agree with me but disagreeing with you is one of the things that i love to do in this

world yeah i know you do i know you do anyway so that was that that really shit me did you let them know i just did the shake of the head and a little eye roll. Oh, eye roll. And then did you whisper to someone else, they're not even parents. How dare they? How dare they? Their kids have four legs.

Freaks. Anyway. They're really hairy. Wasn't that more funny, mate? Yeah. The trip. I've been on a few trips with other parents. I know you have, mate. I know you have.

Which there's a lot of pros and a lot of cons. I don't have a list. I'm just going to rattle off what I was thinking. Pros, there's extra hands, right? Because they've got kids, but then collectively, it seems like it's more easy to manage all these kids when you've got more adults i would say it's sometimes it's easier to hide as well well getting to that okay sorry so there's more hands so i always do this where i'm like do

you mind watching my kids for a sec well you fell for that that's how good i am at it that tone was perfect see and i'll be like just a sec and i'll just go to the pub 30 minutes later i'll come back and like where am i just driving off down the driveway yeah so there's that there's also another pro is that you pick up other things that people do like like tricks and tips and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you pick anything up? No. I did subconsciously.

But then also cons, okay, and the biggest con is that they really, when you're around other parents that are really good at parenting, it really exposes your poor parenting. So one of the mums is a very diligent very loving mom very good at what she does i just followed her around just copying her just i was just like what is she doing that i'm not turns out a lot i like she was like oh we're gonna make the kids some lunch and i was like yeah macy you want to do you want a sandwich or whatever and i was like yeah because she never eats a full sandwich or she just walks around with it.

And I was like, oh, I'll give her a peanut butter sandwich, just one piece of bread, and I call it a fold over. So you fold it over. Bang. Yeah, great. Didn't even give her a plate. Which I actually, I will defend you here because I would say 99% of the time, if I give anything to Lola, she's not going to sit down.

She's going to go wandering with it. So a plate is just something that's going to, A, need to be washed later on, or B, be broken. Or find it somewhere else, like down the track. So there was that. And then by the time I go, here you go, Macy turned around. She's bloody cutting crusts off sandwiches and double butter in bread and she's got peanut butter, Vegemite, ham.

I love how you're like- Cheese. I couldn't believe my eyes. She made a sandwich with two bits of bread. You're there like, holy shit. Mind is being blown. She's there like going to the toilet and like doing a piss in a toilet and you're like, what is this?

How do the other half live? I know. And I was like, oh, double butter. I'm pathetic. So, I was sitting there at the kitchen counter and, like, I was just like, oh, well, that tastes like just, like, picking at this. She's made, like, a full platter. She's feeding the kids and you're just, like, sitting down at the table.

I literally, she fed me too. I was like. Susan, I've got to go to the bathroom. You couldn't walk fed me too. I was like- Susan, I've got to go to the bathroom. You couldn't walk my ass for me, could you? First watch my kids when I go to the bathroom for an hour. But then like, so she's doing the sandwiches and stuff. I'm like, whoa, diligence. Is that what that looks like?

And I cut into squares. Also cut the crust off before even buttering it. Unnecessary. What's that about? Yeah. I was like, the crust is the structural buttering it. Unnecessary. What's that about? Yeah. I was like, the crust is the structural integrity of the bread. Well said. There you go.

Anyway, so she does that and she goes to the fridge, opens the fridge, and then I've got distracted, come back, and she's like cutting up carrots and celery. I was like, what is this? They're not going to eat that. White kids won't. They just don't. But I was like, what do you call it're not going to eat that. White kids won't. They just don't. But I was like, what do you call it?

She was like, it's just- A snorgasbord. Yeah, as my grandmother calls it, a snorgasbord. I literally just got a piece of bread, didn't even butter the thing. I just slapped a bit of peanut butter on there, folded it over and said, there you go. Question. Yeah, go.

Did you feel judged or inadequate in any way? No. Yeah, okay. I don't think so. Okay. I'm talking about it. Maybe I did. Do you reckon they're driving home being like,

did you see what Ash was feeding his children? Look, I'm there for the lols, all right? There for the laughs. Not my parenting skills. Just so diligent. And look, I'm there for the lols, all right? There for the laughs. Not my parenting skills. Just so diligent. And look, I respect it. Respect the player. Respect the game.

And I was just like. Well played. Did you say anything to her partner and go, you've got a fucking outstanding partner here? No. He already knows. He, yeah. Well, he should know.

It would just make him too arrogant if he was to be reminded all the time. Yeah, reminded all the time that your wife can make a sandwich with two pieces of bread. Hey, what's April doing? How does that work? April, let's not. I don't know where she was. Drunk.

So, April, I'm kidding. I love you. She's on the booze. I love it. Bloody booze the booze. I love it. Bloody booze hound, isn't she? Isn't she just? Isn't she a bottle of tequila down by the beach? One wine and she's off to bed.

Anyway, so, yeah, good weekend except for the dogs being called kids. I hate that. The rules, kind of funny. And the exposure of my poor parenting. I do think being away, like there's very few scenarios, other than the park, I guess, where you get to have so many other people who you don't know have their parenting on full display. And where we were staying was like a little place,

a little resort in Byron. It's just like a really little niche boutique resort no well how should i describe it it had a pool it had villas made just tell it what it is it's a fucking five-star resort it's not but it's you've you earned it it's not it's four it's four star four and a half it's four it's been in the middle it's like four and a half i'm looking it up right now sure and like there's no need for that well there is a need but one keep talking but one of the places where the parenting of others is on display is the pool in a resort because everyone is there where we were staying like 4.6 4.6 someone's left

a review being like not nice enough was it you that was me so by the pool it's this big lagoon pool and it is a great pool there everyone's got i was lucky enough to stay there once i saved up for three years and then eventually got to spend one night there you fucking you know the manager you know like half the staff that work there because you swindle in free trips yeah baby so anyway i'm very good at going to things for free now this story ash is quite tough for me to talk about. I just bit my eyes off. As I open up.

Always makes it about himself. I've got a pimple in my nose. Okay, do you want to take a second? No, carry on. I'll get through it. This story, Ash, is quite hard for me to talk about. Okay, let me put a serious face on. I don't think i've ever

felt so rejected by my child ever i like to think of myself as someone who enjoys playing with my children like i get down on their level you know because you're like a child i am like a child that's what i am i still look in the mirror and i see an 18 year old i don't see a 36 year old does it like it's not me i don't feel like i've matured in any way but there was another dad who we were friends for a brief period about 15 years ago lovely guy oh at the result and he was there with his two children by chance laura was getting a massage at this point I was with the kids in the pool and I had a situation where all of a sudden Lola wanted to go to the toilet and I was like just do it in the pool but she wanted she wanted to go to the toilet so my friend was like hey it's fine I'll look after

there's a little like a shallow area if you will where he was with his girls and he's like don't worry I can look after Marley it's just the toilet's right around the corner I'll be gone a minute or two and he's like I'll look after her I can look after Marley. It's just the toilet's right around the corner. I'll be gone a minute or two. And he's like, I'll look after her. And I was like, okay, great. So I took Lola. I came back. She's gone.

Don't trust a stranger, man. And he had two children. One was very similar age to Marley. And as I was walking back to the pool, even before I saw Marley, I just heard happy laughter from Marley. Time of her life. And I thought to myself, isn't that great?

Like, it's so lovely that I can just leave Marley with an old friend who I haven't seen in a long time and she's having a great time. But then when I came back and I was like, hey, Marley, I'm back. She was like, fuck off. I'm with him now. Yeah. I found a new family. And she was completely obsessed.

He was playing these games where he would, like, pretend to turn around and fall over and, like, my kid, Marley, just. He out-datted you. He was. I was. Thank you. I was out-datted. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. And it was to the point where I was cramping. Did you confront him? I was cramping. He'd be like, yeah. Well, because I had to pretend like I was into it. He'd be, like, trying to coax his kids over to you. Like, come on. Dude, I did cramping. Did you confront him? I was cramping. He'd be like, yeah. Because I had to pretend like I was into it. He'd be like trying to coax his kids over to you.

Come on. Dude, I did. Come on. I did. As I came towards one of his children, they were like. And I was like, Jesus. Predator, predator, predator. And you know in those moments where like you don't, I don't know,

I was like, I was crumbling under the pressure. And then all of a sudden Lola was like, well, that looks like a lot of just, I was like, I was crumbling under the pressure. And then all of a sudden Lola was like, well, that looks like a lot of fun. I want to hang out with this guy. And so now this guy, and he was also then like trying to back off. He kind of knew that I was. He knew. He didn't want to overstep.

So then he was like trying to downplay. But then as he was downplaying it and he was playing hard to get with Marley, she wanted to play with him even more. And she's like hanging off him. Oh, my God. And I was just like, get inside, Marley. Yeah. Just tell her off for it.

Oh, my God. So we out-dadded you. I was out-dadded. For long or? Oh, all day, all day. So you got a break. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like on the daybed just like just in tears.

Watching your kids betray you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like on the daybed just like just in tears. Watching your kids betray you. Having the time of their life with another dad. It's tough, isn't it? It fucking hurts. It does hurt but at the same time it's like, okay. I mean, if I could enjoy then like my own time because like if Laura was there, it would have been fine because I don't know, I just felt.

You felt left out. I just felt left out, mate. I just felt left out. Yeah, like that kid at the park that was like no one wanted to play with. It's like, ooh, he stinks. There's always that kid that stinks. You were it. I was the stinky kid. Anyway, another thing that I want to say which is really annoying

as a parent to a young toddler, Marley's quite good now at swimming. She can pretty much swim by herself. And Lola, she's two and a half. Terrible swimmer. Cannot swim. Sinker or a floater? Look, she doesn't sink immediately.

Takes her a second. That headed float, surely. Yeah, you know, it does. It does. Yeah, the legs will go down. Yeah, yeah know, it does. It does. It does. She, yeah, she like the legs will go down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the Titanic as it's like bobbing before like the last bit of air releases and she's down to the bottom. But she absolutely hates it when you like save her from drowning.

Oh, is this what you meant by your story? Yeah. Yeah. And so like if we go to the water's edge, she's so confident, she'll just run and just jump in the water. Shit. And then after a second, she'll sink to the bottom. You know, I'll save her. I'll lift her back up. And then we get to the top and she's so confident she'll just run and just jump in the water. And then after a second she'll sink to the bottom. I'll save her.

I'll lift her back up. And then we get to the top and she's like, what are you doing? Touch me. Get off me. I don't want to be saved. Dad, stop it. And I'm like, all right. So then I put her back on the edge and she just keeps jumping back in.

Mason did the same thing, but she doesn't mind if you try and save a life. Mama hated it. Well, Oscar was like that until we went to Bali just recently and saw all the other kids that they were better at swimming and then he's just like leaps and bounds ahead now. We were at my father-in-law's house and he's got a pool and he took his floaties off because he was in like the little spa, you know, the little spa pool.

Forgotten that he took them off and then went and jumped in the big pool straight to the bottom. That's the problem with the floaties. It was like straight in after him. Because everyone's like, just put her in floaties, but then that builds her confidence even more. But there's that little thought in my head where I was kind of going, why don't I let her like panic for a second just to let her know

that she does need me. Let her semi-drown just for a moment. So I'm standing there watching my child like sink to the bottom and another mum was like, I think your daughter. Your kid's dead. And I was like, she's fine. She doesn't want to be saved. She's fine.

I'm doing a voiceover for the lifeguards this week. She doesn't need to be saved. I know what I'm doing. Meanwhile, Laura comes back from a massage, sees Marley playing with another dad. I'm just watching my child sink to the bottom with a beer in hand. Look, look at her down there. Hey, honey, how was your massage?

She's been holding her breath now for 15 minutes. Pretty good. She bobbed to the top once and went back down. Anyway, that was my trip. It looked like a nice trip. Thank you. You got the weather. We're just ordinary parents.

Ordinary parents. We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing. Because we're ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. So this segment here, people write in, tell us their ordinary parenting stories. This segment, of course, is run by Budgie Smuggler, our good friends over there.

Coming into summer, what a great time to have budgies. What a great time to win some budgies. I was the only dad in budgies at the pool, by the way. Okay, Ash, this one, it is from Big Jono 27. Jono 27. It's from Nath. Nath is... Nath 27. Nathan, I don't want to say his last name, but Big Jono,. It's from Nath. Nath is- Nath 27.

Nathan, I don't want to say his last name, but Big Jono, nickname 207. Hey, guys. Love the podcast and listen weekly. I have either an ordinary parent or genius parent for you guys. I mean, they're hand in hand. Not mine, but heard from another colleague. I like how he's passing the buck on someone else. Should they win if this is a winner?

Yeah. Big John. You share it, Big John. So they have been having trouble with their child wetting the bed at nighttime. Countless nights getting up and having to strip the bed and make it again and move their child into their own bed. And that is an absolute nightmare, Ash,

at like two or three in the morning. Have we had this one? No. So they decided to change it up and they now make the bed three or four times. We have had this one. No, we haven't. Yes, we have. No, we haven't.

Yeah, and you take the sheet off every time they wee themselves and they just get back into bed. From Big John? Is Big John sending it again to try and win? I don't know. I think it won last time. Did it? Big John's coming back for another bite of the apple.

He's like, $200 wasn't enough. I want more. Yeah, well, he says here, I'll just go on and say, they go like multiple layers of mattress protector. Did the last winner do that? They did. Fuck off. Yes. Did they? Why would I make that up? This came through yesterday. What? Yeah, it came through yesterday from Big John.

Well, Big John, plagiarizing, mate. Yeah. Maybe he didn't hear that we did that one. I don't know. He listens weekly unless he's lying. Okay. Well, this is, wow.

I'm shooketh. Jonoeth shooketh you. It just goes to show, Ash, that really we're all the same out there. We are, yes. We are the same. Nice try, Jono. Well, that makes all my hard work go to absolute waste. Well, let me just.

Okay, so this one's from Emma. Look, this is a bit long-winded, this one, but essentially she said, Guys, love the show. Thank you, Emma. We love you. She was complaining to her mum that her husband was taking her one and three-year-old out at around 3 p.m., knowing the risk of them falling asleep at the worst possible time, potentially on the way home. Nightmare.

About 5.30 p.m. That is a fucking nightmare. Unless they transition really nicely, which they never fucking do. Never do. They always wake up just as you put them in their bed. They're like, I'm awake. You're stuck with them all night. She replied to me very matter of factly

i would just spray you if you were falling asleep in the car so what yeah she said i asked her what she meant and she repeated yeah yeah i just spray you with uh you know cold water and she's like what the fuck so apparently her mum used to keep a spray bottle in the car for hot days, but it also doubled as a car nap prevention tool. That is evil. Evil. And genius. Yeah, that's great. So, that's the winner this week.

Hang on, hang on. I actually- Give it on. Actually, no, that is the winner because I can't- I don't want to win the award, but I have actually some ordinary parenting for myself. Oh, yeah. I wasn't going to-

Let me just finish for Emma. Emma, thank you for myself. Oh, yeah. I wasn't going to tell you. Let me just finish for Emma. Emma, thank you for that. We appreciate that. I think you should maybe take your mum's advice, get a nice spray bottle, maybe a bit of lemon juice in there to spice things up a bit. I've got a bit of ordinary parenting myself.

I wasn't going to tell the story, but Laura's just messaged me. My phone just went off. You're like, what's that noise laura just said that she's told the story on their podcast which means it's out in the open and we'll talk about it so yes i was having a beautiful cuddle with molly and just keep in mind this is post until that other dad walked by yeah you're like no don't touch her see ya so i was cuddling with her and it was beautiful. It was lovely. I was having a moment with my daughter and she just goes. And she farted as I was like cuddling into her, like face on her like tummy.

And I was, you know, I feel about farts. I mean, you're putting up with yours all day today. I was like, Molly, stop it. And she thought it was hilarious. Yeah. And I hate, she does it quite a lot. She's very gassy, just like her dad. And I was like, you cannot fart like that.

It's really naughty. And she's thinking it's hilarious. So I was like, do you know what I'll do to make her appreciate just how unenjoyable it is to smell someone else's fart? I'll fart on her. So maybe like an hour and a half later, I felt one brewing. Marley was sitting down watching TV. So I went up to her.

I farted on her. On her head? No, not on her head. Do it properly. I don't want to give a pink eye. I just farted like on her back. She was like laying down watching TV. He just walked up to a cop to squat and went on her back.

Yes. That's fucking ordinary, mate. And it would have been fine if it wasn't for Laura being like, oh my gosh, my poor child. How disrespectful. Are you okay, Marley? Yeah, she'll live. She's a bit of air.

You know when you make a fuss over there and then Marley was like, that's right, I've been assaulted. I've been farted on. I think it's fair play. My dad used to fart on me all the time as a joke. Look how you turned out. I'm fine. I'm a bit fucked up, but I'm fine.

But it would have been worse if you followed through on the part. Speaking of, actually, let me just wrap up the Budgie Smuggler thing before we talk about this really quick. So, yes, thank you, Budgie Smuggler thing before we talk about this really quick. So, yes. Thank you, Budgie Smuggler, for the Ordinary Parenting segment. We've still got a few more to go. If you've got any ordinary stories, DM us or send us an email at 2dd at outlook.com.au.

That's T-W-I-D-D at outlook.com.au. Don't forget the A-U. Or you can hit us up as well on social media at 2DotingDads. I said that already. Did you? Oh, you're a useless guy. Anyway, thank you. I said it to start off with.

No, yeah, when you listen, I don't really. When you talk, I don't really listen. When you listen, I don't really talk. So anyway, speaking of Marley farting and loving it, Oscar loves it too. They're the same age. They're at that age where farting is really funny. It's hilarious. But he's taken it upon himself to like notify you when he's about to.

He's going to push. I'm going to push you out of fart. You know, like it's so funny. He's teaching Macy how to do it in the bath, which is a whole other story. But the other day he comes home from kindy. He's really excited to see me. In the lounge room, like just like sort of feeling around in front,

like in front of the TV and he goes to me, Dad, I'm going to fart. And I was like, go on. Spread your wings, my child. This better be good. And he was like pushed and then his face went from like to just shock. He shat himself. But the funny thing is he sharted, but it was like he'd been shot

or like he'd been frozen stiff or something. He just went. Tazered. Just went. And he was like, like full freak out. Anyway, so I've picked him up and I've carried him up the stairs, but he still hasn't moved positions. So he's like, you know, there's army men.

So he was like, took him up to the bathroom and I was like, you pushed a little too hard. He was like, just crying. It is scary how much he is just like you. I know. Anyway, so I pull his pants down and he's got like a fucking perfect nugget. The PSI on that rocketed me out of his ass into the bottom of his underpants. Got a hole in his underpants.

No, no. Fuck, it was funny. That's my boy. Yeah, but he's been teaching Macy how to fart in the bath. It's going to make you proud. Yeah. Hey, let's do some listener questions, Ash. I've got a question for you.

Okay, go. I don't know if you're the right person to ask. Okay. But I'm'm gonna try my luck anyway shoot okay i won't say the name because this i don't want this person to to seem like they're being negative openly maybe they wanted to be anonymous but they ask are there any good parts of parenting at the moment it's just all bloody hard work ash give me some good news i've got some really good news for you what was the question again talking about how hard parenting it's hard look it's hard you can never be prepared

and you think it's like it's all getting good and then a new issue arises it's just constant and then when you ask people with older kids as well they're like there's always another warrior just around the corner but also small kids small problems big kids big problems but i'd also say look and you know i'm usually it's all fun and jokes okay i'd usually just say find the little moments to keep you going what are those little moments for you ash when they try and push out a fart and shit yeah i agree it's tough it's hard but then there's those little moments where they they give something back and you're like yeah okay that's pretty funny one of my mates is he's about two weeks now away from having his first child and And it's so funny. It's like witnessing someone walk to the front of the start line of a marathon, but on that marathon, you will lose your shoes. You will get sunburned.

You will get attacked by wild dogs. You'll be starving. You'll be exhausted. It's like the hardest marathon you'll ever run in your entire life that only gets harder and harder and harder and watching him go to the start of that line i'm like huh you have no idea what you're in for no one does like i said you can never be you can never be perfectly prepared never yeah but look yeah it's hard like i said it's hard find the little moments where you can but the moment for me is at the moment lola's been a hard one to crack you know i've spoken about the fact that we didn't bond straight away like i did with marley but at the moment we have got this little thing where whenever i put her down to bed even if laura puts her down

and laura is 100 her preferred parent for lola she'll say i just want a kiss and a cuddle always and like she won't go to sleep unless i give her one as well she wants it from laura and from me and we give her a kiss cuddle and then now she can relax a kiss and a cuddle and like that is my like final farewell before she goes to bed it's just it sounds like it's nothing i guess if anyone's listening without having kids themselves, they might be like. You don't understand. You would never understand. You have never felt love. To those parents out there with dogs.

Yeah. You're not the same. You have no idea. But those are the little things that you just like, oh, my gosh. Like just getting that little bit of affection from your kids is just insane how much of a difference that makes. Sort of makes you forget what they did, all the shit. Oh, totally.

It's like I'm sure there's been our brains are wired to think like that because otherwise like it's relentless. Oh, it's relentless. It's hectic. I know. I've aged so much in the last four years. That's partly my fault too. Matt, question for you.

Personally, I haven't had to deal with a lot, so maybe you can answer the question. How do you deal with judgy parents, like other parents? I don't have to deal with it that much. I think guys are pretty lucky in that the bar is so low. We're like the first generation of dads who are actually doing anything. Yeah. So the fact that we're just like in the room means that people are like,

good job, well done. Oh, my God, that dad's – he's not absent. You take the kids to the like shopping center for groceries and like a boomer mom is like, oh, my gosh. You are such a good dad. Wow, just blown away. But I think the only bit of judging that I got the other day was I did that video about when your toddler becomes more affectionate as they're about to be hit with a virus

and lola's you were gonna say after that just about to be hit with a car no just the virus and we're about to be farted on and lola's got a dummy because she's two and a half loves a dummy still it kind of got a little bit viral that, and it got picked up by an American audience. The anti-dummy. Yeah. Like it got viewed five million times. Do you want to just repeat that? I remember when I had my first viral video.

Yeah, you guys are. Fair, fair. As soon as it left my mouth, I was like, fuck, damn it. Shouldn't have said that. But a few mums were like, you're like doing it like- You're doing it wrong. Inreparable damage to your child's mouth, structure and teeth. And I know that, I think it's like past four or five or something

that starts to like change the shape of the teeth. But I was like, for a moment I was like, maybe I should like stop the dummy. But then I'm like, who the fuck are these people and why do I care what they say? You just got to, it's going to be water off the gut. Just switch it off, yeah. Which is easy for me to say.

I know that like there's a lot of people out there who are full-time stay-at-home parents. It must be a lot harder when your work is being judged and your work is the most important thing in the world. Yeah, it's like working your ass off at a job and then someone just coming in and going, you're shit at it. That's probably what it feels like. Totally.

It's like, fuck. My only advice is if you are someone who may judge if the child is happy, is healthy, like it doesn't matter. No, it doesn't matter. Like, you know, people are going to do things differently. Some people will do sandwiches with two pieces of bread. Some will only do one without butter with a crust on. I feel attacked.

If the child is- I feel you judging my parenting now. Don't be a judger, for God's sake. I know. And if you want to say something on social media, like, just don't. Unless you know the person. Take a deep breath before you throw your two cents in, fucking Doris or Maureen, whatever your fucking name is. It's just not needed, especially at the end of the day.

Sometimes when, say, you've had a bad day, like April, for example, if she's had the kids all day and I've been off doing some work or been here doing whatever, and then I get home and she's fucking corked. It's like me walking in and saying why are the socks dirty it's like are you fucking serious bro like just keep it to your fucking self absolutely and ash on that note we need to start rehearsing for the awards sorry to remind you what's still to come i feel like this is some sort of torture i know if you

enjoy this episode we would love it if you gave it a share to anyone else out there who may benefit from having two idiots talk about parenting. We would also love it if you would give us a review on Spotify. We actually had some really lovely comments on the episode where you talked about your mental health. We had so many great messages and we absolutely love to receive them. Here he is, Ashwix, everybody.

What a charming young man. Anything else you want to add before we go, aside from farting? No, I'm all good. Okay, well, we'll see you guys next week. Thanks for having me. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country

throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.