Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Just shank the bullies

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

The boys have had to admit they're guilty of spreading misinformation in previous eps - Matt's story about when he found out Laura was pregnant was totally incorrect (apologies Laura) and Ash's story about being able to dip a pregnancy test in a toilet bowl was also not true (you do actually have to pee on it). Please forgive us! In other news, Ash catches April giving their son questionable advice on how to deal with bullies and Matt's still carrying an injury post-holiday after trying to relive his high school rugby days with some Fijian locals. We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: Grossest food combo your kids have eaten and enjoyed? Is it ok for my wife (Laura) to only wash her feet and face before going to bed?   Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.      See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh no. What? What? I've just shit myself. I'm pretty sure I just shit myself. I can't tell if you're joking or not. I'm not joking. Do you want me to stop recording? Do you want to? Let me check. I'll be right back. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting the good, the bad. And the relatable.

And if you've come for advice, I'm really sorry to say that you should stop listening right now because none will be given. Zero. Not intentionally. We don't know what the fuck we are doing, but we're trying hard. Yes, that's really what parenting is all about, is trying hard. Try your very best. It probably won't be good enough, but try anyway. I love it when you get nice i know i'm

a nice guy it's in there somewhere deep deep down whenever it comes up i can just see you like forcing it back down like get back down there do not show anybody that you're a nice person whatsoever before we get into the episode we do have to mention there is a little exciting competition on right now with Better Beer. Yes, Matthew. It is to win a Bitcoin. Well, there's two Bitcoins. There are two Bitcoins. At the time of recording, they have not been found.

Yes, correct. As far as I know. And look, if you want clues, please follow the Better Beer and the Two Doting Dads Instagram. They gave one about Lord of the Rings. Don't have any idea what that means. I don't know what it means. Did you hear there's a guy who bought 19 cases from a bottle shop? His name was Ashton Wicks.

Joke's on you because I didn't buy them. Yes, so there's two Bitcoins. Okay, make sure you follow Better Beer because on their story they do give out little hints. It's only for the low-calorie, zero-carb beer, which is the original Better Beer. I have one here today, which we'll open and check. Hopefully, I've won.

Fingers crossed. And we don't know exactly. Especially marked case. Correct. It'll say on there and you'll see that it has a QR code for more information and Ts and Cs, et cetera. We don't know how you know that you've won, but what they have said is that it's obvious.

You will know, yeah. It's obvious. So, I mean, the prices for Bitcoin fluctuates all the time, but ballpark, you're looking at 45K per Bitcoin. At the moment, yeah. That's a lot of money. And you never know. You never know what's going to happen.

Check the website, betterbeer.com.au. The states who aren't in the running are South Australia Northern Territory and and the ACT look at you nanny states baby

you know the information but for more information head to betterbeer.com.au should I see if there's one in this one mate please okay so hold tight everybody come on buddy

make it rain just beer just beer oh no and you're on the zero arc again because Matt is doing dry July Come on, buddy. Make it rain. Just beer. Just beer. Oh, no. And you're on the zero arc again because Matt is doing dry July. I'm doing the complete opposite of that where it's monsoon or July. Matthew, before we get started, I do have a question for you.

Go. Shoot. Has Marley or Lola ever been bullied that you know of? A little bit. No, I wouldn't say. Just like harmless. I wouldn't say. Like at that age, like. Yeah, like the level of bullying is always just like, yeah,

one of the kids has a toy, another kid comes over, maybe a little argy-bargy, bit of a push, but that's as far as it has gone, I think. No wedgies or name-calling, like, with any substance. No, correct. At this stage. So, like, Oscar being four, I mean, you don't have any boys, obviously. It's a bit different with boys.

They're sort of a bit more rough and tumble. But Oscar's quite a delicate boy, I would say. He's, you know, he's careful, very careful. Gets that from mum. Mum's really careful, scared of the motion. And, yeah, every now and then he's like, you know, this boy, let's just call him Sam. It's not Sam for Sam's dad who's listening.

Oh, like he was mean to me, pushed me over or something like that. Is this a daycare? Yeah, daycare. Sometimes they run into each other at the park or it could be another kid, you know, which it's fine. We say, look, you just say stop it. I don't like it. Walk away.

Go play with someone else. You try and do the right thing. But I've sprung April. She didn't know I was listening. Okay. Those of you who know my wife or don't know my wife, she's not like an aggressive person. No, she's a sweetheart.

She's got a side. She's like a beautiful little sunflower. Okay, that's my wife talking about. So, he came home from kindy one day and we're all upstairs. I'm in the other room with Macy and Oscar was sort of telling this story as kids do. He was like, oh, you know, he was mean. He pushed me over.

There's no real substance to it. There's nothing to really alarm. It's not like they're shaming him or whatever. And April goes, oh, that's okay. All you do, okay, is say, beat it, Sam, or I'll beat you. Yes. And I was like, whoa. Since when are we teaching violence in this house?

Coming out of my five-foot-four blonde tiny wife is this, I will fuck you up, Sam. Yeah, Oscar, take this kitchen knife, and if he fucks with you again, just shank him. What you do is you get all the kids that you like and know and surround him and shank him. That's pretty much what she's saying. What did you say?

Because I was like, first of all, I kept my mouth shut because there's enough things that come out of Oscar's mouth that shouldn't. Like this morning, he called me a dickhead. Where does he get that from? Facts. Facts. He's just spitting facts at me.

Because the other day, he was doing something wrong. I said, you made yourself look like a dickhead. And now he's calling me a dickhead. I do think, you know, call me crazy. I would have thought that type of advice would have come from you. No. call me crazy i would have thought that type of advice would have come from you no not to say that you know you're condoning violence ash but she seems like such a peaceful woman yeah i usually look like someone who likes to throw fists no no no i've only ever been in like one or two fights in my life i'm not like you how'd you go undefeated no if anyone is not familiar with what Ash looks like, he's got tats.

I look scary. You do look scary. You saw my, did you see my Mexican gang photo? Oh, yeah. Jesus. That's great. It took me about a month of hanging out with you before I was finally no longer nervous being in a room alone with you.

Just because I shanked you. Yeah, I was always just holding on to my wallet. Prison Ash. They call me Prison Ash around here. Yeah, just because I shanked you. Yeah, I was always just holding on to my wallet. Prison ash. They call me prison ash around here.

I would usually say to Oscar something along the lines of, just hit him back. I thought you were going to say, like, just walk away. No, no, I would. We really encourage the stop it, I don't like it. Macy doesn't understand that. So Oscar's like, stop it, I don't like it. i don't like it shut up and take it you're bigger so i didn't say anything and then i i left it and then when april and i were downstairs without the kids i said didn't know you had such a violent

side and she was like shut the fuck up i'll beat you too was like, she's got a big knife. No, she was like, what do you mean? I was like, I heard you say beat it or I'll beat you. She was like, sound advice. And I was like, okay. So if my kid beats your kid, my wife is a wonder blind. Wasn't me. Oscar couldn't beat his way out of a wet paper bag. So don't worry too much.

But I like to think that the more sensible way is to follow the kid home and burn his house down. For any of you listeners right now, welcome to the podcast. Welcome. Sorry. Hey, I do have to just pull us up on a few mistakes that we made, Ash, in the past few episodes. I've told you this.

I'm not always right i know neither but i'm never wrong no we're not perfect and we don't try and be perfect but we have had a few mistakes so far so i'm going to do this sounds really serious it's well like i mean i wasn't even going to pull us up on this but i thought you know what are you reprimanding me no both of us oh okay we both made so we've collectively fucked up correct correct you've got one i've got one and i you know i thought to myself i want to be treated as a really serious publication if you can call us that we just said don't first of all we started the episode we don't don't take any advice that's not very serious two we also talked about burning kids houses down and beating kids up up. And now you want to pull us out on something we fucked up on.

Go 180 and be like, we want to be serious. So the first mistake that I made, do you remember a few episodes ago we did the question of how did you find out that you were pregnant? Do you remember? You told the story, you were overseas. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I told the story of how I made the salmon dish for Laura and she didn't like it.

The semen dish or the salmon dish? Yes. There he is. Anyway, go. And I came home and, you know, Laura goes, how was the podcast? And I always say it was incredible. I had such a great time with Ash. Oh, yeah.

And she goes, what did you talk about? And I said, well, I spoke about how you found out that you were pregnant for the first time. And she's like, oh, yeah, what did you you say and i told the story and she looked at me like a weird look on her face and she goes that never happened what and i was like what do you mean she's like i don't know what you're talking about but there was no salmon dish there was no like that never that was never a thing i just made it up up i just my memory is just you've made that up well i thought like in my that's how i remember how it happened vividly but completely wrong apparently we were

out to breakfast with some friends and she ate porridge dish but yeah i so i have to say that i'm sorry you've lied to our listeners i've lied to the listeners. I've lied to the listeners, yeah. So where did this story come from then? So you lied to me more importantly. Yeah, hey, and I'm coming clean. Well, maybe you're out to dinner, I mean breakfast, no Sam and Benedict, and you thought, what's wrong with her? She's having porridge. Hang on a second. Who goes to a restaurant and buys porridge?

Poor people eat porridge. That's, yeah, I don't know. i'm so i'm i love porridge as well but um so i just want to say apologies for getting those facts wrong uh there was no salmon dish and what did i do my mistake so your mistake ash the one that you made i think it might have been the same can't be a bigger deal bigger deal. No, it's medical based. It might have been the same episode, but we talked about the pregnancy. The pregnancy stick. Well, yeah, it was the same episode.

I said, you dip it in. April pulled me up and she was like, who's dipping it in? And I was like, I just thought you dipped it into the toilet. Wouldn't you get the same result? Well, apparently not. Apparently not. And I'm just – Oh, no.

We were fucking way off the mark. For anyone out there who doesn't know how the pregnancy test works – You pee on the stick. But I thought you could either pee on the stick or dip it into the toilet paper, not dip it into your vagina. It needs to be a heavier stream. So just, if I may, Ash, most tests allow you to either place the absorbent tip in your urine stream usually for five seconds or dip the tip in a collected hang on hang on in a collected urine

sample so you'd have to like pee in a cup so i'm not No, because you were saying dip it in the toilet. Oh, yeah. Like that's, it's going to be a contaminated test. Tomato, tomato. So anyway, so we got it wrong. We got it wrong. Yours is worse than mine. Yeah, I can't even remember how long. Mine was just using my, I call mine using my imagination. Dip it in.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's so many ways you can skin a cat, Matthew. So we have had a few people, when we get things wrong, they tell us and I appreciate that. They love to tell us. And I'll always correct us in the future. Nah, fuck them.

Okay. Okay. I'm just going to loosely tell people what I think and if you have a problem with that, that's on you. Take it up with someone who cares. Which is me. is matthew uh okay well i i'm glad that you brought those mistakes up now i know now i've just learned something because april already said to me she was like he looks like steeping it in i was like made sense to

me that's what we did say after that we were like we don't know because we've got no idea. So that theoretically gets us off the hook. I do like though how it took me 36 years to understand how a pregnancy test with urine actually works. And now I know. So glad. Think about how many men listening right now are learning this for the very first time. Yep. And to them, you're welcome.

You are welcome. So, some say you don't learn anything from us. Bullshit. You do. Now, I wanted to talk to you. I want to bring back up Son of a Snake. Maybe other people's mistakes. So, we had a laugh about how we don't understand how people can listen to us while they exercise.

Such a fucking weird concept. So strange. Except everyone I see now running with a phone in their hand, I think, are they listening to a podcast right now? Yeah, they're listening to us. We had a lovely listener write in by the name of Jessica. Yes. Jess. She was listening to us and she laughed uncontrollably to the point where she fell over on a main road.

Now, she says here, I fell over on a main road in front of about 100 people at the front of a dog park slash skate park slash soccer field and playground. She said she might have to start listening to my running playlist instead and she sent us a photo of her bruised hip. my god that's solid that's a solid bruise so there you go stand like what how is she laughing so much that she could no longer find the ability to run i don't know i know it's crazy and i also had a mate that said to me, oh, I listen to all of your podcasts like back to back. And he said, at night I went for a run in like a bush, whatever. I don't know.

It was dark. And he had his Bluetooth headphones in, obviously. And he was running and he said his phone flung out of his pocket. It's pitch black. And he said, all I could hear was your nasally annoying voice while I'm searching around the bush for 20 minutes trying to find my phone. Who are these people exercising?

That's what you get. But that bruise you just showed me, that reminds me of an injury that I'm currently carrying. Oh, sexual injury. You wish. I wish it was. This is a story from Fiji. Oh.

Ash. I didn't tell this one. I didn't think it was anything partly because it was just really fucking embarrassing. They're the ones I want to hear. I know. The listeners want to hear Matty J, Australia's favorite bachelor, completely embarrassing himself in another country. Okay, well, this is- There's nothing more entertaining than that.

Well, this is perfect. So, I used to be quite a good athlete, Ash. I was part of the first 15 in high school. In high school. It was a long time ago. Yeah. It's like saying you were the crew trainer at McDonald's. Which I also was.

Oh. How embarrassing. I do really like my football. I like my footy. And I like to think that I've still got it. Oh, we all, any man in their 30s thinks they still have it. Still have it. I look in the mirror and I don't.

That's why we wear jerseys, just in case we get subbed in. Get the call up. We went to the cafe this morning before the podcast recording. There was a dad with a footie in his hand. Yeah, he was doing the, he was goose stepping. Oh, just, yeah. He was just standing there. He was dummying to no one.

The waiter walked past. He was like. As soon as you see a football being thrown around, it's just, it triggers. Yeah. It's like a dog whistle. Literally is. So, we were sitting by the resort. There was like the main pool.

Yeah. And everyone's sitting there chilling out. And in the i saw some of the fijian boys and they're the ones that look after the water sports and they're like the activity guys and they was just the fijian sevens off season they're just down there they're passing the football and i saw him one day and i didn't want to get involved i just i clocked it and i was like no no i'm gonna you had to resist your primal urges to be like football that's a football that's a perfect spiral but then i walked over the next day and i was like you know hands up over here fellas i just i was just like okay white boy do you know how to catch? I'm like half the size of them. I'm such a little dweeb.

They're big boys as well. We had a few passes and then they said, why don't we play a game? So I fucking. Full contact. No, what did I say? I thought you'd never ask. You were like. Just started ejaculating.

He's like, I don't actually want to play. I just wanted you to ask me to play. And he started walking back. Yeah, he's like. Had a cigarette. That was. Needed that. But we start having a little game.

And it's been a while since I've actually played in, you know, touch or Oz tag. So, I was a little bit rusty. And I found out later on that these boys actually on the island they're part of the sevens team so they play well they are part of the island so they're not like you know pro but they you know they're decent yeah like how we've got like suburbs they've got islands yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and at the start you don't know what level to take you don't want to come out all guns blazing you don't want to be that guy right and you're just like

why didn't you fucking put on hits but we started we started you know pretty easy and then they were really a lot better than i am that may surprise you ash but we started to get a bit serious there was it was me another new zealand dad came along and then these fijian boys it's four on four and we were down a few tries and you know the underdogs here and we you know we've been playing for a little while and we we kind of we all collectively said hey next try wins it all right and then we can you know we'll get back to pack up to walk away without pride i get to tell my wife how much of an athlete i am and you don't have to tell her how much i'm not that's the most important part because we're playing right in front of everybody yeah you know great feats of athleticism a few people came over and started

to watch you know no like marley came down and be like, daddy's playing with the boys. And she's watching her dad, you know. Getting flogged by a bunch of Fijians. Why is daddy crying? So they kicked off. And one of the Fijian guys on my team got the ball, puts on a step, makes a break. Nice. And he's, you know, we're probably about 30 meters away from the trial line.

But there's another. How big is his field? Oh, it's big. Yeah, it's big. Fuck. And so he's now, it's big. Yeah, it's big. Fuck. And so he's now, it's one-on-one, right? And I'm there in the open. Like an overlap.

Oh, yeah. You've got the overlap. There's no one in front of me except the tri-line. Just me and the tri-line. This is going to be sweet. And I'm also trying to keep up with the Fijians. So I'm full pelt, like full stride, like a gazelle. Nice.

Through the soft sand. Just calling? What was his name i can't remember you were just like i'm open and he looks at me because i'm yelling with my hands out and he kind of looks a bit nervous and i'm like just pass the ball and then i look up and there was the fucking volleyball net it's tied to one end to a tree the other end is a pole in a tire that's filled with concrete and i look at it just moments before i make impact and it hits me like you hugged it i get taken out by the volleyball my. My arms would like wrap around it.

Oh, my God. And it was like, dunk. Oh, my God. And everyone watching on the sidelines is like, gasping. Is he going to be okay? And you lost the game. They took an intercept and you lost the game. That's great.

And they were like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me, boys. I'm used to it. I'm fucking stuck. Hobbling off. Like literally I couldn't. You know when you're trying.

You're winded. I'm good. I'm good. You know when you try and walk it off? Yeah. And as soon as you put any pressure on that limb, it gives away. You just like try and walk normally until you're at a start. And you're like.

To Laura, I'm like, just give me the room key. Do we have ice in the room? Please. Anyway, I'm not fucking playing footy for a while. How's the Bruce? Yeah, it's pretty good. I'll show you, but it's like right on my. Dick and balls. Yeah. it's right on your ego like i said there's nothing funnier than a tourist making

complete dick of themselves in another country and i really really wish someone had that on camera i know i know it would be fucking hilarious and every, the Fijian boys. They just made fun of you. They're like snickering. There he is. There's that fucking guy. A pole hugger. There he is. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies. So, Matthew, this segment here where we get the lovely listeners, the parents, to send us in their lies, what they tell their kids, just to get by. Just to help minimize any tantrums. And we're collectively sharing it. So, if you are picking up on new lies now, technically we are giving parenting advice,

but it's not from us, it's from someone else. Yeah, from the other parents. For some reason, I used to have all these lies. I've kind of run dry on lies, maybe because I was on holiday. Did I mention I was on holiday, Ash? Oh, yeah, yeah. I do like holiday. Just lied your way through, Fiji.

But we do get lots of great lies submitted. We pick out the best ones. Do you want to go first? Yeah, I've actually picked one that is from, he is still a listener, but he's actually a friend of mine who had a little chuckle to himself because he's not a parent himself, but he loves to listen because he just loves to hear the sound of my voice. So who's he lying to? So tell me.

Just shut the fuck up. So he was on a plane and there was a young family behind him and the two kids were just obviously not doing what was asked of them at that stage. And the dad leans over and says, well, that's it. The police are coming. And the kids were like, what? What do you mean?

He's like, well, I told you if you don't stop what you're doing and do what I asked, then the police are coming. He's called the police on them. It made me think like, that that's great i've never done that you've never been like you're gonna get locked up no i think it's a classic i've heard it before i actually haven't i can't recall if i used it but i think it's great like threatening your children with any law enforcement is top tier parenting if you ask me my parenting style is what i like to call threat yes threat and parenting and it's for those of you listening to this thinking what a dickhead it's completely

fucking true do you ever though have to do you have to follow through with a threat oh man when i get the opportunity to throw that toy in the bin i fucking slam dunk it like i'm michael jordan i'm jumping across the fucking couch and just like in the bin and then i stand over the bin and the screaming child like i've just won a fucking trophy how's the tantrum afterwards i don't know man i'm too busy wrapped up because i've always done that. You've got three seconds, one, two. Yeah, I feel like I spend most of my day counting too. Oh, yeah.

I can count to three like a professional. It's funny, isn't it, how kids, I'm not sure if Marley understands what police do. I don't know if she would. I think you need to like educate her. So maybe if I see a car- Put on. Like with sirens on. No, I would just go straight to Law and Order.

Just be like, you sit there and listen to this. See, that guy doesn't look very happy, does he? Who's that rig on Law and Order? The guy who's like just a handsome- What's his name? Ice T. on on lauren auto the guy who's like just a handsome what's his name iced tea do you know i really like from csi miami horatio and he pulled the glasses up well looks like we've got our man i could be like oscar see that watch out horatio

if a red-headed guy with those glasses comes to the door, you're fucked. Actually, it just reminded me of something else that I lie about. Go on. We've got time. In terms of punishing, punishing your children, instead of like I used to do this thing where we've got a separate laundry upstairs and I had made Oscar afraid of the washing machine strategically. I'm going to hell for this. It fucking annoys me so much when the washing machine strategically. Because- I'm going to hell for this.

It fucking annoys me so much when the washing machine's got 10 minutes to go and the girls will always start pushing buttons and- No, no, I've just made him afraid of it flat out. For what reason though? So then when he's misbehaving, I say, I'll lock you in the laundry with the washing machine. Oh my God. You fucking asshole.

Works because of a mate of mine. Is it because it's on the spin cycle? It's like, he eats kids. So, I had a mate of mine who said, like, I locked my kid in the laundry and he just, he loved it. I was like, that's because you haven't made him afraid enough of the washer and door dryer. You make them afraid of that and then you say,

I'm going to lock you in the room that that's in. And you're onto something there. Is Oscar just having panic attacks whenever you guys do a load of washing? Oh, he's a mess. We don't do washing when he's home. He's just like shaking. Between the dog being scared of rain and Oscar being scared of the washing machine, everyone's just vibrating in my house.

The psychologist when Oscar's like in his late 20s, trying to understand and unpack why he's so petrified of washing machines. Yeah, dad lied to me and said that the washing machine eats children. Okay, I've got a lie here, Ash. One of our lovely listeners, i won't say her full name maybe she wants to be anonymous i'll say that it's from kathy okay tell me what you think of this one it's called the birdie lie trick and you can use this if you're trying to get your child to go to daycare and they don't want to go which is pretty much every day morning

so if that's the case ash if you're struggling with i get the kid like it's's like when I did have a job, it was like, you got to go to work. So I was like, I want to go. I get it. I get it. So if you're struggling, you can say to your child, hey, guess what? There's a baby bird at daycare. And quick, we better get there so you can have a hold. And make sure you get your hands ready so you can get them to scoop their hands together

like they're ready to hold a little birdie and then when you get the daycare you can go oh so sorry you took too long the birdie's now flown away maybe tomorrow and then once they start to clue on to the birdie they said here you can then change up the animal so maybe one day it's a possum and then it can go to a puppy or maybe a kitten. It works every time, she says. Kids are so dumb. Aren't they? She also says here as well, love the podcast.

You boys are hilarious. Oh, there you go. Lovely. Look, that's very creative. I've never heard that before. I thought you were going to say the birdie died no no no just it flew away i don't think a bit too traumatizing lola has the attention span i thought you're gonna say you put your hands together and you tie a rope around

in the back of the car and get in there uh yeah look i don't know. I think Oscar would figure that out. I like where they're headed, though. Like there's something there for them to- Yes. Yes. Creative. Let's go into some listener questions. Before we do- Oh, yeah.

Go on. Just want to say, continue to send the lies in. Yes, please. We get a lot. Hopefully get to read yours. Submit them and Matt will respond to them on the DMs. I will respond. I'll be there. I'm always there waiting for the listeners to write i'll be watching you anyway uh let's go

to some questions please matthew question from our listener what is the grossest food combo that your children have eaten or tried to eat so it's not really a – I guess it's a form of food, but it's not really – like no one's serving this up. But what both my kids have started doing recently, and it's fucking disgusting. It really is. If I watch them do this, I start dry reaching. And I don't know how to get them to stop doing this.

You know, Marley, we've spoken before about the fact that Marley likes to suck her thumb and rub her nose. It's like a comfort thing. And now she's coming handy when she's older oh yeah i'm gonna leave these parts in just so people know how much of an absolute disgusting human being i'm sorry sorry once you, no. No, it's staying in there. And see how you like it. Once people realize who you really are. They love me.

They don't. They will be like, bring that guy out. They love like this, the edited version of Ash. But this is who he really is. That is a complete piece of shit. Disgusting. Yeah, sorry. Now Marley and Lola have started to eat their boogers, their booger eaters.

Yeah, I caught Oscar doing that yesterday. Do you know what it tastes like? Yeah. It tastes like me. It tastes like boogers. It's salty, right? Yeah. It's a bit salty.

I'd say so. Yeah. Are you into it? It's much nicer than earwax. You eat earwax? I've had a dabble. Fuck off, really? Yeah. Are you into it? It's much nicer than earwax. I've had a dabble. Fuck off, really? Yeah.

When? Like we're talking. Earwax is somewhere between semen and. Obviously when I was a kid, I obviously didn't go back there. But I've caught Oscar picking his nose and eating it. Oh, man. I've seen Marley's had these like huge like this string of snot and she's like rubbed it between her fingers and looks at it and I'm like don't you dare and she's just like yeah look I don't think it's a big deal

unless they start to do that we'll smear it onto a Jap more then start eating it. That's a bit more psychotic. Like pate. Yeah. Look, yeah. It's not really a combo, but it's gross. I'm trying to think of what combos my kids have either eaten or tried. Macy loves to eat toothpaste. What, the mint or the- Sensodyne.

She's got the strongest teeth. Anyway. My kids fucking, I have to give them like the real mellow, like berry flavoured Swiss pastries. Maisie's up there with a Q-tip. Eating the Sensodyne. And she's like. And then you try and take it off and she's like.

What an animal. She's an animal. She's got fresh breath. What was the, oh, yes. I've got a question. What was the other? Oh, yes. I've got a question. Is it a listener question or is it a Matty J question? No, this one comes from me, Matty J.

Question is, Ash, what is your routine and also April's routine when it comes to showering during the day? In particular, nighttime, pre-bed. Yes. So, April gets up, goes to the gym, come home, shower. Boom. She's my wife's very routine. On the day. And in particular, night time, pre-bed. Yeah, so April gets up, goes to the gym, come home, shower. Boom. My wife's very routine. On the routine, love it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what she'll do is after the kids have bathed and Macy's gone to bed, she'll jump in the shower then, which usually she'll lead her into the bed, reading a book, lights out. That's pretty much it. For me, sometimes I'll shower in the morning. Not all the time. In summer, I'll get up, have a cold shower because I'm a health freak.

Yeah. You're an athlete. Yeah. But you'll always shower before bedtime, right? I'll be a field athlete. Yeah, unless I'm like absolutely legless i'm straight onto the couch i'm not allowed in the bed sometimes if i know we're changing the sheets next day i just sneak in there dirty shoes on hey babe roll over give us a kiss but yeah look otherwise i'll go

shower bed yeah because it's it's fucking disgusting hopping in a bed when you've been up all day. You've been walking about. Sweating. Sweating up a storm. Is there other people on you? Ugh. Laura does this thing.

She's always done it. And I'm going to call her out here. Don't you dare. She's perfect. She's not. She's not. Only people knew what she really liked behind closed doors. She's a fucking grub.

And I'm about to reveal the true Laura. The Daily Mail, are you listening? She only- Yep, you are? Cool, let's go. Let's go. Let's get into it. She only showers in the morning.

Always in the morning. Was she dirty from the day before? I don't know. So she's dirtied up the bed, then she's like, I'm going to be nice and clean so I don't get dirty for the rest of the day before. I don't know. So she's dirtying up the bed and she's like, I'm going to be nice and clean so I don't get dirty for the rest of the day. She does wash, but before she gets into bed, she only washes her hands

and her feet. Her odds and sods. In the sink. So she'll literally stand there, put like- Like a hobo bath. Yeah, like literally, yeah, puts her feet in the sink.

She puts her feet in the sink? And she washes her feet. How does she get her feet into the sink? She's like literally like- Well, she's sitting up there on the. Yeah, just one foot. Like a bird bath.

Exactly. And you're one foot at a time. Washes that one, brings it out. Other one goes in, washes that foot. And then she washes both feet and then she's done. And she hops into bed. And then she's like, let's have a snuggle. And I'm like, you're fucking.

Yuck. You're unclean. You're all. I just pictured her. You know how when you're washing your hands and you rub your hands together like that. I just pictured her standing on her hands with her feet over just rubbing her feet together. Like, what?

It's weird, isn't it? And I asked her because I wanted to give her the opportunity to defend herself, of course, because I don't want to attack her on the podcast and not give her the chance for rebuttal. Okay. So I'll just, she's going to explain herself here. So just listen to this, Ash. Laura, I just would like you to explain herself here so just listen to this ash laura

i just would like you to justify why you think it's okay to only wash your feet when you come to bed because i'm really tired and sometimes i have to work really late and it's really really cold and i don't want to wash my whole body but i just know that my feet need to be cleaned i wash my feet in my face top and bottom i top and it. But you've been out in the oven. Yeah, but the rest of my body has been encased in clothes and it's cold, so I haven't sweat. So technically, it's like I've been covered in a protective layer. But my feet need to be washed.

But don't you feel like it's really... Because I wear open-toe shoes. Don't you feel like it's really gross when you hop into bed and you feel sticky? But I don't feel sticky because I'm not obsessed Because I wear open-toe shoes. Don't you feel like it's really gross when you hop into bed and you feel sticky? But I don't feel sticky because I'm not obsessed with running half marathons every day. I'm completely clean and dry. Okay, did you shower this morning? Yes.

Look at this, guys. Will you shower tonight? Look at this. I won't shower tonight. Oh, how do you sleep next to that? Yeah. She's lucky she's a lovely lady. I know.

Otherwise, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here, you hobo. It's weird, right? It's weird. It's weird. It's strange. Because if you're going to shower, shower at night time because you're not going to get dirty sleeping seven, eight hours in the bed.

Doesn't your ass sweat in between the cracks? Well, yeah, if you're doing shits during the day. How thorough is she? And she's wiping. She must have chaff. I don't know. I don't check up on her that much. But I should.

You need to now. Does she at least wash her underarms? Huh? At least wash your underarms? No. Around the bat wings? No. So I lied.

She washes her feet and face. And hands with her. Yeah, obviously. So hang on. Does she wash her hands before her feet and face. And hands with her. Yeah, obviously. So hang on. Does she wash her hands before her feet? Or she washes her feet- No, I think it's just like- Then washes her hands and washes-

It's just like- What I need to know in which- It's residual soap from the foot wash. I think the hands don't even get like a separate look in. It's just hands and feet together. Oh. Maybe she does face first. But anyway, that's the true Laura. And I'm sorry if anyone she's gonna get hand foot and mouth disease real quick

if anyone right now has a perfect image of laura in their mind and i'm sorry to destroy that well you have for me i don't know if i'm gonna be able to look at the same ever again yeah i know don't make it awkward i will don't make it my'm going to be able to look at it the same ever again. Yeah. Don't make it awkward. I will. Don't make it awkward. I plan to. I'm going to ask her. What's that fucking smell? Yeah, I'm going to be like.

Someone stinks. Did you shower today? You stink. That's not enough showering. The human body, it stinks. Oh, yeah. I feel like you and shitting yourself before every podcast record. Yeah.

That was. My biggest turn on. Is me shitting yourself before every podcast record yeah that was my biggest turn on is me shitting myself it's just her stank is when laura's come out of the shower and she's like just freshly clean the steam from behind and whenever she does that i'm always like where do you think you're going and she's like i'm off to work to work. I'm fucking late. I'm like, come back. And then she comes out of the shower at the bathroom at night. It's just her hands and stuff are really clean. She's like, hey, baby. I'm like, fuck off.

But I'll take it. I'll take it. We better get out of here, mate. We better get out of here. Today's a busy day. It's flat out. Making a podcast is hard work. Well, tough for me because I do all the setup

like the apprentice. Ops manager. What am I? You're just the face. I'm the admin bitch. You're the admin bitch. I'm the admin bitch. Let's get out of here. Thank you guys for listening. If you've enjoyed listening to this episode or any episode, if you're a new listener, go back.

Listen to the start. I had someone actually said they listened to all episodes. I think it was 14. Two days. Get a laugh. No. But if you have enjoyed any episode, we would absolutely love it if you gave us a little review, five stars, and, of course, give us a follow, subscribe, whatever they call it in the podcast world.

And on that note, we'll see you guys next week. See you later. Bye. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea, and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.