Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Just take the f*cking photo !

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

Matt and Ash enjoyed a lovely day out to celebrate Producer Keeshia's birthday - drinks were flowing, food was delish and there wasn't a toddler in sight. What could possibly go wrong!? Just a disagreement between Matty J and one of Ash's fans after he generously offered to take a snap. Ash has his knickers in a knot because of an average gift he got from Oscar/daycare for father's day and Matt was left feeling like he was touched inappropriately after a massage Laura booked for him wasn't quite what he expected.   Budgy Smuggler's Ordinary Parent segment is back with some beautiful submissions from the parents of this country. We also have a crack at answering your parenting questions: Best thing about having two kids? What do you enjoy doing for your wives that you know helps them out Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I got spotted last Saturday. Oh, for the first time? We got spotted. We've been spotted before. So this is the second spotting. Do you remember? We were going to the supermarket. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And a lady was like, hey. Hey, love you, Ash. Hey, you, Matt. Or is it the time when I got spotted and then you got verbally abused? Do you want to tell that story? Let me do the intro first and then you can tell that story if you want. Okay, yeah. that story let me do the intro first and then you can tell that story if you want okay yeah welcome to t-dotting dads i'm mad. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that is all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the bad. I mean, and the related.

It's all bad, alright? And more bad. There are many experts out there in the world of parenting. Any other experts? Not us. We are far from experts. If you're coming for advice, stop it. Stop it right now. If this is your first time, there's no advice here. You've been warned. Oh, and before I forget, we ran a competition on our socials to win two brand-new BabyBjorn Harmony carriers,

and I'm stoked to say that we have a winner. It is Sarah Arts. Congratulations. We'll be in touch to send out two brand-new carriers to you ASAP. Ash. Yes. I didn't think we'd tell the story but you can tell it if you like yeah so we were just talking about matt got spotted i got spotted

it was at the markets a two-doting dad spotty yes he just said a dad which is great because normally i only get spotted by the females did you jerk him off afterwards? I was like, come here. Come here, big boy. You've deserved it. We don't reach around on you. And he just yelled out and said, hey, two doting dads. And I was ready for a full-blown convo. You're like, let's go. And he just walked off.

That's all he wanted. That's all he wanted. And I was there with lube in one hand. Hey, what about it? Come back. I have said that if someone leaves us a review or- We would jerk them off. Oh, we'd jerk them off.

We'd jerk them off. Yeah. Yeah. It's a fair trade. But, I mean, I know it's nice and new for you to be spotted or recognized. I'm somewhat used to it. So, just like the other day, for those of you who weren't there, which is all of you listening

matt and i were at our producer keisha's 30th birthday happy birthday keisha and we had a lovely lunch we did have a lovely lunch of beer yes and some taco that's taco things and it was a bit of a weird me i said it was like being in a chinese man's basement eating Mexican food. That's kind of the theme of this restaurant. Yeah, it wasn't quite sure what cuisine it wanted to be, but it was like a bottomless margarita. They do this thing, it's called fusion. So now they can just like, I fuse everything together. It's like when I buy a cheeseburger and McNuggets

and I put McNuggets on the cheeseburger. Fusion. Fusion. So we had a lovely lunch. And then as we were getting up to leave, a table of young ladies and their partners said to me, oh, can we get a photo with you? Me, specifically. Very enthusiastic.

They just bypassed you. I think it was, did you get your shirt grabbed? Did they grab your shirt or was it an arm pull? They were scurrying towards you to stop you in your tracks. They were desperate. Yes. No, they weren't desperate. It was stop you in your tracks. They were desperate. Yes. No, they weren't desperate. It was a, hey, mister.

They asked if they could take it. Matt said, I'll take the phone. Hang on. Hang on. Can I just chime in for a second? They were so enthusiastic. They were so starstruck by seeing Ash, a.k.a. Jan Parklitz, in the flesh.

There was like a moment of like you know they almost couldn't get the words out no look i and i saw it and i thought you know what i'll be the nice guy and i said excuse me i thought you said you're gonna let me tell this story would you like me to take a photo that's what i said yeah nice guy nice guy. And which they said, yeah, of course. That'd be great. Okay. Count. Look, they did have a, they had a belly full of piss. Let's be honest.

Okay. It was bottomless margaritas. Everyone was well lubricated in the venue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I grabbed the phone. Yeah. Okay. You were already kneeling down.

I was sitting. But it was funny. They also had the, remember they had the tablecloths over their head too to imitate how i do my content yes yes and and i simply said because it was you know we're talking about it was like a basement it was very poorly lit it was very dark okay and i looked through the leno first you're also slightly hurt i can see hurt in your eyes okay yeah we show that now she she looked at me and she was like those listening he was a little bit don't reverse the camera and take a bloody photo of yourself take a fucking photo of yourself and she's like don't do

it you know the old gag of like yeah yeah and i that thought never entered my mind and now you're gonna do it and then i said i looked through the camera like screen and it was so dark and i said do you want a flash or no flash that's right a very simple question in which because some people are very like yeah flash some people are for the flash and so i just wanted to you know you were just trying to be a good photographer what was the response she looked at me dead in the eye and said just take the fucking photo and and look honestly it was very aggressive but you did take it a little bit too you did have a diva moment matt you stormed stormed off. You stormed off. And I was like, he's hurt.

Yeah. You were gutted. And honestly, you weren't very happy about it. And you diva'd out the door. Look, I threw the phone back and I said, you take the fucking photo. We get it. You were hurt in that moment. How do you want me to respond i just want when i'm

like helping someone out it's like if you're changing someone's car tire that's flat and you're like oh yeah but you're probably getting paid for that no if you're giving your time and you're like hey do you want is this spare in the trunk oh and they say just a volunteer moment change the fucking tire like that's like hey, hey, I don't have to. You diva'd out. I'm not a photographer. You diva'd. I could be enjoying.

I was even calling you a diva at the time just to really rub the salt into the wound. It's good to know where your fucking allegiance lies. Anyway, long story short, I coaxed you back over. No, you were like, he's always like this. That's right. After a few drinks, he gets like this. No, I was like, oh, look, he's really upset that you didn't recognise him and then made him take the photo.

So I came back. You came back. After you threw your fucking toys out of the cot, you came back, took a mediocre photo and then we moved on with our lives. Look, honestly, they did say they were from the Central Coast and they were like, fuck it, they got it. Yeah, they were pretty lit up. I think her friend knew that the one who had said those words.

It was too much? It was too much. Nah, we all got together later and we were like, how about Matt just storming off like a diva? You want me to be just a punching bag for people? Yes, be a pin cushion. That's who you need to be. Or knock her out.

Just whooshka. I did throw the phone back with like a baseball pitch. Malice. Catch this. I'm glad it made you happy. It did. It made me really happy. It was really, really funny.

You know, you're a sensitive guy. And so when you're taking a photo and one of my fans is like, just take the fucking photo. I'll do as I'm told. Anyway. Anyway. How are you? You've had a stress.

We've both had stressful mornings. Mate, karma has really, really, really hit me today. So in the last episode we spoke about when I do the kidney drop-off and I'm like, your problem, got a little bit rinsed from a few childhood educators, get over yourself. So, yes, karma. Yeah. And I'll cop it.

I'll cop it on the chin. I'm not going to send someone a rude comment about it. But, yeah, I feel like this morning I had to do drop-off. My wife had to go to work early this morning which is fine she's allowed to she's a powerful woman apparently well said thank you just fucking shut up and listen and just melt down after meltdown sobbing who was it which oscar okay so oscar knows what day it is macy doesn't know what's going on she's like it's light outside or it's dark outside that's as much as she knows

she was okay but she was feeding off his energy so this morning woke up we're all in my bed whatever mom's gotta go go instant meltdown now oscar goes to two kindies one he likes when he does not like so much because he's getting a little bit older and he likes the older one. Goes back to that one. The one he doesn't like, is that just a Wednesday? Wednesday, Thursday. Yeah, it's good for me, bad for him.

And he just was uncontrollably sobbing all morning. It was different and I was like, this is payback. I was trying to reason with him because I have Macy off on Thursdays and I was like, look, tomorrow, like my dad's down, my mum's down. I was like, well, you can come with us tomorrow. You don't have to go tomorrow, but we just need to get it done today because I've got too much to do. That's a great offer.

Yeah, yeah. And he was like, yeah, for about one second and then he's just sobbing. Hang on a sec. Fuck this. Literally, I was like, what do for about one second. And then he's just sobbing. Hang on a sec. Everything. Literally, I was like, what do you want for breakfast? Rice bubbles. So he's eating rice bubbles at that little table there, sobbing into his lunch.

He was like. Like Anchorman when he got broken up with. I'm in a glass cage of emotion. And then Macy's sitting across from him and Macy goes, at the moment she's really into doing thumbs up. And she goes, big thumb up, but she does it like this. Like the back of the hand towards the person. That's the right way to do it.

That's it. And he just was like, I don't want a thumbs up back. And I was just like, oh, my God. Anyway, had to take a few deep breaths. And I said, okay, it's all right. It's okay. Trying to be patient, but also getting very frustrated. Because it's all right. It's okay. Trying to be patient but also getting very frustrated. Because it's just every step of the way.

Everything. Slow down. Every mouthful is a punish. And I was like, okay, let's go. Let's all go upstairs. Let's go get dressed together. It's nice up there. The sun's out on the balcony up there.

Let's just into a nicer environment. Macy still thumbs up. She's still like, where's everyone going? She's like, I'm good. But then she was sort of getting upset because he was getting upset and I was getting upset. And then I was like, it's going to be warm today. And I was like, just put some shorts on.

Yeah. And he was like, okay, no worries. And then he's just like putting a sock on so slow, sobbing, like mourning pretty much did you want to facetime april just to no because she was on the bus i did ring her and i was like because sometimes you want to make him know what you're currently dealing with i yeah i was like i don't know what to do like i was nearly going to be like he's going to have to be here today because he was just so distraught, which I felt really bad about. But I just had too much on today.

April was not here. Anyway, so we came back downstairs and he's like, oh, I'm cold. I was like, okay, well, why don't you go put some pants on then if you don't. I didn't make him suffer through the cold. Like if this was the 80s or 50s, they'd be like, suck it up. They'd be like, suck it up. If it was in the country, they'd be like, suck it up. They'd be like, suck it up. If it was in the country, they'd be like, suck it up. Go milk the cows.

He went upstairs and I was like cleaning up a little bit. Macy's having a sulk about something or whatever. I was like, oh, you're right, buddy. Trying to just keep my tone nice. Gentle. Gentle. Like, oh, are you okay, buddy? Because I also need to get them out the door.

Because when they're in that kind of mood, as soon as you raise your voice, just like a smidge, as soon as like any change in tone, it sets them off again. And he was already like, the poor kid, like his eyes, like he hadn't slept in days because he just cried for an hour straight. I sobbed. Like I felt terrible. But anyway, I was like, oh, are you okay, buddy?

Like calling out the stairs. And he's like, no. I was like, oh, like, are you okay, buddy? Like, calling out upstairs. And he's like, no. I was like, oh, my God. What? What is it? And he was like, I can't get my feet through the holes. I walk upstairs and he's trying to put tracksuit pants on with his shoes on still. And his feet are stuck in the bottom bit like that.

The rubber's just caught onto the cuff of the pant. And he is just full. He's wailing at this point. He's, oh! And I was like, fuck! Anyway, I'm up there. Fixed him up. Promised him a heap of chocolate. And Macyacy wanted i had to give him the same so eventually we got to kindy he had a little cry there and then he's

out the window out the window waving like sobbing and i thought i got in the car and i went i brought this upon myself last week by saying, fucking see yous later. The early educators of this country heard the last episode. They've cast a spell over Ashton Wicks being like, may his children be fucking moody forever. Yeah, it was like, and then, you know, I did actually feel bad because I was like, he doesn't. Wait, what? Yeah, I know.

What? Empath. What has happened to you? I felt bad until I got in the car and drove away. In those situations when you drop him off at daycare, do you just drop and run? Because, you know, sometimes a clean. That's exactly what I would do.

A clean break is good. Clean break. And like today I was like this is payback for all the other times I've just dropped and ran. Like this was not like a whingy, annoying cry. Like just this was, he was legitimately whingy annoying cry like just this was he was legitimately sad and I actually felt for him breaks my heart yeah it did it actually did and then I was like thank god will you pick him up early uh popper will pick him up early today yeah yeah yeah

yeah my kids were also you called and Lola was screaming in the background. It was just, it's the moon. The moon's like, it's not the blue moon or the red moon, whatever it is. I don't know. I feel like that's such a cop out. It was funny because Lola's screaming in the background and then you got Marley on the phone going, Ash, I can click. I can click. I was like, I don't know.

How do I read the room here? Oh, dude, yeah. It took me an hour and a half to get out the door this morning. Just one of those mornings anything sets it off they're so easily one second they're having the time of their life like we're in same thing we're in bed everyone's like woohoo i showed marley a photo when she was a baby and she was like oh dad that's cute everyone's just like jumping on the bed yeah and then like a split second later, she wanted to do some drawing.

And I was like, no, we're not doing drawing because we're going at daycare. Flipping tables. And I was like, oh, God. Anyway. But hey, I want to speak to you about there's two things. Two things that happened to me recently. The first is that I got my Father's Day gift from Laura. Oh, yeah.

She, very generous. She booked in a massage. Swedish, Chinese, Balinese. Fusion. I'll take it. I'll take it. I love a massage. I love a massage.

But there's only one thing that I have to explain to the masseuse when I get a massage. They're like, don't laugh at my third nipple. I said to the guy, I said. It was a man. It was a man, which is like, it's good in that it's strong. It's like a nice muscular. What a firm massage.

But I said to him, I'm like, look, a lot of tension in my back and shoulders and neck. If you can focus on that area. I've got a lot of tension in my back, shoulders, neck, head, feet, arms, buttocks, legs, feet, everything. Chest, stomach, a lot of tension. Get to it. And he understood. He's like, yeah, feet, arms, buttocks, legs, feet, everything. Chest, stomach, a lot of tension. Get to it. And he understood. He's like, yeah, great. He's like, oh, because you're on your laptop.

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm on my laptop all the time. You know I like an email, Ash. You love LinkedIn. I love it. You opened up your computer today and the first thing that loads, like your homepage is LinkedIn. I love it. Absolutely love it.

Always have, always will. You corporate whore. And I said, I just don't want my thighs to be done i get very ticklish so from the knee i don't feel like being hypnothar oh no and he was like totally understand and i said fit calves fine knee to hips no go and i feel as though during my massage I was touched inappropriately a number of times. How? Look, it's best that we talk about it now so that the trauma doesn't build up

and build up and build up. And then when you're an adult, because you're still a child, you suffer long-term trauma. And I talk about the 2023 father's day massage that and then you end up like mr freeze yes across the street here the local meth head who wills a samurai sword who we will touch upon a little update yeah yeah give you an update for people who are like mr freeze don't worry we best nickname we will tell you what's happening there so he did the massage he. He did my back. And, you know, you kind of like, you have a gauge of time, you know.

And he touched my back for, must have been 10 minutes. And then he was already onto my calves. And I thought, oh, that's pretty quick. And then he started then rubbing like my thighs. Why am I getting into it? And I thought maybe he's just got his routine and he'll get back to the calves. And then he just like, man, he was just, he was working the thighs and the ass. Like he just-

Or the back of the thigh. Yeah. So maybe he just thought you didn't want to do the front of the thigh. No, I was so specific. I said front, back. Did you be like, dude? Well, I didn't want to fucking say anything. Were you naked?

No, I had my budgies on. Subtle plug there. And I didn't know what to say. Like I didn't want to, like I thought maybe he's going to do it for a second. I had an hour and a half booked in. I never have an hour and a half. Like that's a fucking long time. And I would say it was like an hour of that was on my ass.

Wow. Happy Father's Day, babe. He did this thing where he'd like it wasn't like rubbing it was like he would just push in like a pressure point in my ass and then he didn't like move my leg as he was like putting like it was fucking strange and i've had this headache ever since fuck look it was that seems traumatic. But Laura. Did you do the old when you got home and be like, babe, that was great?

100%. Laura was like, how was it? She was like, I think I might have cheated on you. I don't know. It's like getting a haircut. It's a fear of mine. Look, I don't. You hate massages. I hate massages.

I hate massages. Did you also get touched inappropriately? This is a safe place. No, no, no, no, no. Did you go to the same one in Bondi? No, no, no, no, no, no. Definitely not. On Hall Street?

Look, I... The guy's a monster. So I've heard. It's not that I'm afraid of being like touched by a man. No, that's not it. Because I'm like, as you know, a very touchy guy. Can I say one more thing? Yeah.

One of the reasons why I don't like a man to give me a massage is their hands are like really rough. It was very like the calluses, you know. So, he's a gym goer? Either that or he's- How old was this guy? 40. Very rough hands.

It was like being massaged with someone with sandpaper gloves on. I just don't like the feeling of a massage, whether it's being from a man or a woman but the last massage five minutes i'll change your perspective go down and see old mate of bondo he'll change he'll swing yeah i was in bali years ago april and i both got a massage at a bali place okay like i think it was in kuda or leg whatever. And this is the last massage I had. So long before we were even married. I'm talking 10 years ago since I've had a massage.

I don't like- You're getting very- You can cry. If you want to cry, you can cry. I just don't like- I don't like the pressure of it. But this particular- It was a man as well.

Nice guy, whatever. But he literally beat me up. It was like a fucking- He was like punching my back like he was taking out some serious anger going to town on you did you say anything no because you can't in that situation it's like when your hairdresser fucks your hair up and you're like it looks great yeah and then you go home and shave your head dude the masseuse could be pouring hot wax on me and i'd be like that is lovely that is beautiful i'm gonna get third

degree burns thank you very much great and like honestly like just beat me up and that's all i remember so i'm like a little bit traumatized from that i think that i'm just like i didn't like that so why would i do something i don't like do you like massages prior to that not really either okay i don't know but i think that just firmed up that this is not for me yeah look if someone like like when i go on like a roller or something like that, I hate that. Okay. Hate it.

And people are always like, I love getting on the roller. Jesus Christ. Relax. Jesus Christ. Put your pants back on. Does April ever give you a massage? No, she doesn't touch me. No, because she knows I'm not into it.

It's just not for me. Speaking of Father's Day present, there's a guy who lives across the street from me here. First of all, really nice guy. So nice so that the other night when I went out to the boxing and I got home at like 2, 2.30 in the morning. Anyway, it was early in the morning, late at night, early in the morning. And I saw him a few days later and he comes up to me. He goes, are you okay i was like bye he goes oh you woke me up the other morning because that garage is really squeaky and i looked out the window and you were flat on your back in

the garage i was like oh yeah i'd been out he was like how fucked up were you and i was like no i was like no no misunderstanding he was like i nearly called the ambulance did you pass out what happened no so i was trying to close the garage like i opened a little bit to slide in underneath like like a cat burglar he said he nearly called the police too because he thought and then he realized he's like he thought we were getting robbed and then he saw me and he thought oh he's dead ashley's had a heart attack. But the reason I was so still is because I was edging the garage really, really slowly to not wake the kids up. Why don't you just get some WD-40?

I've done it now. I've done the WD-40, yeah. But anyway, he's nice, really nice guy. But I've been in this house now for two Father's Days, let's call it, and I've noticed something about him. And he's a grandfather. And he's got this shirt that he wears on both Father's Days, which is great.

So, it's a shirt. Wait, both Father's Days? So, this one and last year. I got you. Sorry to confuse the shit out of you there. I thought maybe he was like English. He's American, actually. Oh, continue.

So, actually, when is American Father's Day? I'll keep tabs on that too. It could be, yeah. Maybe I've seen it more. But anyway, it's a great shirt. It's just a brown shirt, classic grandpa brown shirt. And on the back of it is a photo of him and his granddaughter and it says best friends since 2018.

Oh, I love that. And I'm like that and he like proudly wears it on Father's Day. Like that is great. That's like honestly like you know how they're always like, like my kids love Papa. Yeah. Like it's like they hate Dad but love Papa, right? It's like they are best friends.

Do you think you get to that age and you don't have any real friends? Oh, 100%. Yeah. I'm already at that age. Which I think that's the cutest. Do you think you get to that age and you don't have any real friends? Oh, 100%. I'm already at that age. Which I think that's the cutest. Yeah, thank you. Super cute. But then it made me think about like shitty Father's Day presents.

And every year, anyone who has kids, kindy, they always make a really big effort to make sure that you get something from the kids, a painting that's terrible or something. I got a beer cooler. That's not bad. I got a beer cooler, which was drawn as a white beer cooler, which had been drawn by the kids. We've got one from Marley, one from Lola.

Marley was okay. That's good. Lola was a hunk of shit. It was terrible. It was no good. Straight to the bin. You're judging her. Who's the winner?

Let's really give your kids a complex. The one that Lola gave me is still in the floor of the car. it was you're like judging it say who's the winner let's really give your kids a complex i know i the one that lola gave me still in the floor of the car oh she doesn't know she can't even remember what happened this morning yeah i'll get it i'll put it in but that's not bad that's not bad did some shitty artwork no just the wow look how much shitty artwork is up there yeah they there's oscar get really pumped when you pick him up and he's like or comes home and he goes daddy look look what i made there's another stack up there there's another stack in the family filing cabinet look at it it's too much you're

gonna throw it out you're gonna frame it i'll wait for next winter and use it as kindling but uh this year look and i'm i feel like every week I'm having a swab at kindy and I'm sorry. This isn't a swab at you because I appreciate the effort, okay, to go send Oscar home and Macy home with something to that. I appreciate the effort, so don't get me wrong. But there's no way I want a fucking jar of salt and that's what I got this year.

Okay. It's just a tiny jar. I was like, oh. Do go get it yeah please who's coming up with these ideas i don't hate it i don't hate it what's like the grass clippings in it like rosemary i have no idea but why did they think that i would need salt it's rosemary it's rosemary infused salt what every father needs yeah but that's like what who just who signed off on that give me a beer cooler that's a lot of salt it is a lot of salt but like what like what like i just don't just don't get it, Matthew. Like, I'm puffed from running up the stairs. Sorry to make you do that.

But, like, look, if you're listening, it's just gone past Father's Day. So, of course, happy Father's Day to everyone. Well, this is going to come out. We're waiting. We didn't even wish anyone a Father's Day. No, we didn't. That's why I did it on the story. But just tell us what you got that was shared.

Look, it's a unique gift. It's weird that they didn't. And for anyone who's wondering what the salt looks like, we will put a photo of this slash video on our socials at Two Doting Dads. But it's weird that it's not in any way painted by Oscar. Yeah, I thought, you know what? You paint that. And I'm like, that's cool.

Here we go. Oh, my God. Ash is off the table. He's now. He's taking off his lip. He's getting something else. Not sure what it's going to be. Oh table he's now he's taking off his leg he's getting something else not sure what it's going to be oh he's got

this this is good stuff this is from last year that's good gear that's that's what I'm expecting what's underneath it yeah last year

yeah and it's that's Oscar's hand it's a wooden box and again we'll put this on socials a wooden box hand print happy father's day sticker and it's- That's Oscar's hand. It's a wooden box. And again, we'll put this on socials. A wooden box, handprint, Happy Father's Day sticker. And it says, fun dad, strong dad, kind dad. That's not true.

Wise dad, fair dad, sweet dad, best dad. No, also not true. My dad. My dad. That's got Oscar. See that? Quality. Very different.

Yeah. Hey. I'm, very different. Yeah. Hey. I'm disgruntled. I understand. I was like. It's confusing. Oscar was like, here you go. I was like, is there anything else?

Do you reckon Oscar's just broken into the kitchen and just taken some salt? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The food down at Kindy's really bland now. But, yeah, look, actually, i forgot about that just till till now but again in the cupboard no one can see it but the artwork there's too much i understand also also love love people who work at daycare early educators you guys unsung heroes of this i already told them to get over themselves earlier on yeah so i don't think I can backflip on that. But that's what I'm saying. I'm not having a dig at them because it's the thought that counts.

But just think about what you're sending home. There was. Every month there's like a new little fundraiser at our daycare. You know, sometimes really great organizations. It changes each time. And they're raising money. i'm not sure who's for only fans i'm sure it's a very deserving organization and the mechanic was i think it was a donation for art that has been created by like there's three different groups at daycare

there's like the infants there's like the toddlers so maybe like one to two ish and then there's like two to three four two to four and it was done by those who are age one to two so it was like a stack of artwork that you donated that you could donate a bit of money for and you get you get to choose your artwork but it was just it was just it was so first of all you're already sending home shitty artwork and now they're asking you to pay for more shitty artwork as a donation. I'll tell you what, I'll give you the money. I don't want the shitty artwork because I could just about start my own fucking charity with the amount of artwork I've got up there. And the rule is if any of that comes down, it goes straight in the bin.

So if I pull that cupboard sometimes, you know those coin machines? You put a coin in and it pushes them to the edge and sometimes they fall out yeah if anything falls out of there on one of the opens straight to the bin i'm not opposed to throwing out artwork laura has a draw anything marley draws she's very good marley is good she's very good and laura keeps it all but like there's not like what are we going to do with it? We like reached a limit now. Yeah.

I also got a picture. I like this because it's a good laugh. And it's like a picture and then it has what they love about their dad. But it's written not in their handwriting because he can barely fucking write. The teacher said, you know, what do you like about your daddy? Mine was like, I'm just going to get it. Back up again. Yeah, you know, what do you like about your daddy? Mine was like, I'm just going to get it. I'm back up again. Yeah, you are.

Okay, as I was saying, they sent home these and it's got my dad and then I love my dad because and then they write the rest of it. Because if Oscar's handwriting is that neat. Okay, can I read it? Can I read it? So, great picture of you. Blue nose and you've got a purple mouth, which is weird. I love my dad because he helps me with boxes and toys and making things that's beautiful yeah that's really nice i like

that but you know they're always so random april's one was the best for mother's day a couple years ago it was like i't tell people as they should anyway shit presents ash before we do the segment one of your favorites budgie smuggler's most ordinary parent do you want to give us a little update on mr freeze aka the samurai wielding meth head the samurai method yeah look there's been some more kerfuffles in the area. Continue. So if you heard the last episode, he was wielding a samurai sword in the kids' park on a Sunday, which is prime time, kids' park time.

And then I went over to the cafe yesterday and there was like three or four cop cars in the car park again. I was like, what the fuck? What now? And I walked in at the cafe and Pete goes, oh, Mr. Freeze is at it again. Why do they call him Mr. Freeze? Because he's an I said.

I think that's stupid creative. So it's not, it's, you guys. Nothing to do with Batman. You guys have given him that name. It's not, it's not, yeah. He doesn't introduce himself as Mr. Freeze. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First of all, I was like, this is a nickname that Pete's given him.

And then I put the video up on our socials of me telling that story last week. And two or three people have messaged me saying, oh, classic Mr. Freeze. So, he's known in the area now as Mr. Freeze and he will not go by any other name other than that. And he's still- And if he's listening. go by any other name other than that. And he still- And if he's listening. The samurai sword was taken off him and he somehow produced a new samurai sword.

How many samurai swords does he have? I don't know. But if you go into his Facebook, it's really bad because he lives close and he'll probably come after me. Sorry, kids. He's got a photo. His profile picture is a photo of a samurai sword. But yeah, but which one?

We're not sure. How many does he have? It's actually a clip art of a samurai with like a Japanese dragon behind it. It's safe to say the guy's into samurai swords. Anyway, we love you, Mr. Freeze. When you come out on parole, we cannot wait to have you on the podcast. Well, apparently he held his parents hostage. I wonder if he's got any kids. It We cannot wait to have you on the podcast. He's back. Well, apparently he held his parents hostage. Okay.

I wonder if he's got any kids. It'd be nice to have him on. Well, Pete was saying that he was out the front of his house with a fishing rod, casting the fishing rod into the car park. Okay. Just like he was fishing. What are you trying to catch? What are you trying to catch, mate?

Thank you for the update. It's going to the new segment. Should we have this as a running segment? Update on Mr. Freeze? Should get his home address and just knock on his door. I know roughly which one it is,

but look, I'm very mindful that if he has any idea of who you are, he'll follow me home. I will never do another record here again. Let's do this segment.

Budgie Smuggler's Most Ordinary Parent. Thought you'd never ask. Let's do this segment budgie smuggler's most ordinary parent thought you'd never ask let's do it we're just ordinary parents ordinary parents we don't know what we're doing we don't know what we're doing because we're ordinary parents ordinary parents those of you who don't know what this segment is it's brought to you by budgie smuggler of course Ordinary parents worth of budgie smuggler product, which is great. Every time we run this segment. And the segment is based around the ordinary parenting you do. And example is the winner last week was someone who secretly breaks their kids' toys.

So she has an excuse to throw them out. I was thinking about last week. I do think that, and like deserving of the award, the gift from- Are you trying to take it back off? No, I would never take it back off her because we've given it out and I'm glad that she got it. But I did think, don't you reckon it's better off just to like, when the kids are away, you can just throw things out without them realizing?

No, I see it. You can also, instead of throwing them out, maybe donate them. Okay, but that's different. I think the reason for the breaking them secretly and then pretending to break them when the kids are there so they know what happened to them so there's sometimes when i've for example the other night i woke up in the middle of night to get oscar because he pissed the bed and i stepped on his favorite monster truck snapped the wheel off i've hidden it he doesn't know yet somehow i'm gonna make it so it looks like he broke it anyway

that's what this segment's all about but if i just threw that out for example and he was like where's my grave digger monster truck then i'll be like oh i threw it out that's way worse when you go oh mommy accidentally broke it silly clumsy mommy ha ha we'll have to throw it out because it's not fixable so that's what so your points null and void sorry apologies okay so this week let's go we'll do the same thing we'll read out one age and then we'll read out the winner we'll pick the winner and i've got an absolute cracker for the winner i reckon are these been worn these no we've got the budgies there's a tag on them they smell tangy we've got budgies over the mics And these are the custom limited edition jam pikelets,

pink budgie smugglers. We will at some point give some out. We will, yes. I've got some on the way. They're fucking great. Are they brand new? No. They're bananas.

I love it. Yeah, I've got them all, man. Okay, so I've got a great one here. Great in terms of this is fucking average. This is very average. I shouldn't laugh. You shouldn't, but we will. I shouldn't laugh, but I will.

From Meg. Another Meg. Meg won it last week. Is it the same? I don't have a last name. Maybe Meg's just like. Meg's just an ordinary parent all around. She fucking loves budgie.

Okay, so she says, hungover? Sometimes we are. She has a great solution. Throw a handful of sultanas all across the floor and head straight back to bed. Keeps the kids occupied for hours and it feeds them.

How many is she throwing on the floor? She's just like one of those kilo bags. It's like when you're a farmer and you're feeding pigs and you're just throwing feet on the floor just trying to keep them entertained i know a look i know what you mean like that's great kids love sultanas mine have grown out of the sultana phase do you know what would really get him if i threw like a bunch of m&ms on the floor that'd it. I'd get us to sleep all day. Just really, really quickly.

We have a packet of M&Ms and it sits next to the Weet-Bix. And this morning I got the Weet-Bix out and the M&Ms packet fell on the ground and like a few M&Ms like bounced and scattered. And the kids were like. Dude, it was, they're like little rodents. Yeah. Like honestly, before I had a chance, Lola was like, I look and she's already got four in had a chance lola was like i look and she's already got four in her mouth and i was like fucking give it back like wrestling with her

she's like they're mine that's great so the next one this is also not the winner this is just another one which we thought was really good as well actually i really do like this one so marie she doubles the bedding for any incidents during the night so matthew what she would do is go waterproof sheet then fitted sheet waterproof sheet and then fitted sheet it's kind of like the pass the puzzle situation so what she does is like the other night when i got up and i was going to piss in the bed and you had to sleep in our room because it was like, oh, I've got to get the sheets off and change it. Fuck that at 3 o'clock in the morning.

It was just getting to bed with that. This just ripped the top two layers off. That is genius. And straight back into bed. At the moment, Lola is obsessed with warm water. She's not having the milk and she's waking up in the middle of the night. She's just obsessed with shit. She's so all or nothing at the moment.

Dummies and warm water. And then she'll have two or three bottles of warm water and we try and give her like a little bit and she just pisses right through the nappy oh my god just like a like all night yeah and then we have to bring her into bed and it's just yeah that is genius that's great who's that from what's her name her name's marie marie now Marie. Oh, we've got the winner. We have the winner. Please. Matthew, this week's winner comes from someone by the name of Caitlin. Great name. This one's come on our email. So she's emailed us, which is in the bio of Two Doting Dads.

It is 2DDTWODDD at Outlook.com.au. Correct. Or you can DM us, but email's good too. So it comes from Caitlin Caitlin and Caitlin says, our 18-month-old likes to empty out the contents of our top bedside drawer. What have we got in there? Her favourite thing to play with is a pair of sex ties. Amongst some other adult things.

She's at the age where it's often just easier to let her play with them rather than deal with the tension so i just let her go and then she goes on to say and says it was pretty awkward when mom and dad came over and she was playing with sex dice and lube in the lounge room so that is our winner for this week c Caitlin. If it keeps them happy, play on. I love this segment. We're getting some absolute crackers. Like I get a few emails and they're all pretty good. They're great.

Great. So Caitlin, we will be in touch. We will send you your voucher, 200 bucks worth of budgie smuggler gear. Congratulations. Yes. To finish off today, we're going to just do a couple of questions.

So every week we answer the questions of this great nation they rely on us heavily to answer these questions but also don't take any advice that we give you yeah if you do have a question please send it through yes we would love to hear from the parents of this country it gives me great pride of any country but don't just pigeonhole us no No, yeah, I'll take anything. Any country from around the world. I'll take it. Would you like to go first? Oh, yeah, okay.

Sure. Why not? I'll go first. All right. Matthew, what do you enjoy doing for your wife that you know helps them out? Absolutely nothing. Yeah, me too.

There's a few things that I do. You are a very doting dad. Guilty. Loving husband. As charged. That's what I'll say at your funeral. I'll be like, he was a very doting dad. Loving husband.

My now wife, Laura. Not be allowed anywhere near my funeral. You completely missed my joke i know i heard it i fucking heard it my now wife and stepchildren i have my sister wives abel and laura uh laura is a big fan she is at her absolute happiest slash horniest when the house is clean if the house is dirty which it often is with two kids yeah it's very unlikely that she would be in the mood but actually like we have every fortnight we have a cleaner come through on thursday and gives us a little hand she's having sex with the cleaner.

Don't set me up like that, man. Come on. And like Laura comes home. She's like, fuck yeah, I got to wash that cleaner, whip around the house with that mop. She loves it when it's spotless. And I will like sometimes I'll like, you know, I'll just vacuum the floor, I'll put the washing away because she comes home. And it's more so like I'll only do the tasks that have strong visual impact yeah yeah yeah like I

won't do like it's like they say put the good apples at the front similar thing yes you're like okay what does she see when she walks in if there's no shoes and stuff on the entrance to the house oh yes and then when she walks through and she sees at the kitchen table which is just that's just the dumping ground of all the clean clothes and i'll like you know i'll just i'll hide that in like a closet somewhere big rubbish bags yeah she's like oh my all she cares about is just she gets weak at the knees. Yeah, literally. She's like, Matthew. And then the icing on the cake, the creme de la creme is I'm very guilty. I take my clothes off.

And if it's worn but not dirty enough to be put in the laundry, but it's- Floor drape. Yes. Yeah. And I'm so guilty of it. I know you are, as is every couple and every man, hence the video I have made on that, where it's kind of like, you're going to put these in the washing? They're not dirty. Can you put them away then?

They're not clean. Well, they're not exactly clean. It's the halfway pile. There needs to be a better invention for where that stuff can be hung. It's called a chair. You hang it over a chair. That's the next thing, yeah. If I put my clothes away and Laura sees that the bedroom is clean. Oh, yeah.

It's on. It's business time. I cannot keep her off me. Yeah, I know. That's what I do. What do you do? What do I do? Oh, look.

Oh, look, mate. You know what I do? I do nothing. I just sit on the couch, drink beers, and she gets home like, what's for dinner, mate? Look, I cook. I cook every night. That's my thing like last night i cooked and then i did all the washing up i mean we're on the phone i just went into autopilot and if i'm just happy if she

says thanks babe you know and then she can go off have a shower go and read and let me be what I'm doing. Love it. That is just beautiful. Kind of sad. Okay, last question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is the best thing, Ash, about having two kids? Very good question because you'd think that there's not a lot of good things other than twice the love. Shut up.

Shut the fuck up. I would say, and I had a moment the other day where me, Macy, and Oscar went to the park, okay, and I had a moment where Macy was in the swing, and swing's a great one because you could just be like, yeah, but Oscar started pushing Macy on the swing and I just sat down and I was like, how fucking good is this? This is why you have two,

so that the older one can eventually take over your duties as the parent. And that is the best thing about having two kids. And next week, Oscar will be on the podcast, Ash will be on the couch drinking beers. I'll be divorced. Oscar, so how was your week? And he'll be like, I had to go to kidney or website When the kids start playing with each other nicely

It is a beautiful thing It is a good thing And it doesn't last that long Because often anything that Lola touches Lola is, for those who aren't familiar Lola is two for me Marley is four Lola touches anything

She's two for you She's two for me marley is four lola touches anything she's two for you she too for everybody else i can see how you find that funny your humor is fucking terrible i know i know two for everyone but anything that lola touches anything at all marley's like oh i fuck i was just about to grab that i want it now that's the word and so that often ends in an argument it's like that video i made of George Costanza and that. Literally. As soon as I saw that, I was like, that is what it's like having two kids. Lola will touch the Play-Doh and then Marley's like,

I was just about to fucking touch the Play-Doh. I was just about to play with that. And then I can like coax it out of Lola, give it to Marley, and Marley's happy. And then Lola will then grab like the soccer ball and then Marley's like, well well that's my soccer ball as well the worst is when they like i had it first and it was like you had it three days ago it's a nightmare but then there are moments very brief moments like you know we have a little doll

house up in their room and then i can hear them playing and i can like just like pop my head like just ever so slightly in the doorway and I can see them playing and they're playing like mums and dads. And it just warms my cold dead heart when they're being a happy. They're playing together, yeah. They're like a year and a half between. They're pretty close. Yeah.

And like knowing that they may grow up to be best friends. Maybe or they might hate each other. I'm sure they will. Yeah. I'm sure they will. It's beautiful. And like Oscar's like hate each other. I'm sure they will. Yeah. I'm sure they will. It's beautiful. And, like, Oscar's like the same. But anyway, update on Oscar.

Just before we go, before we let the good people of all the nations go, update on Oscar from the start of this conversation. Yeah, your phone went off and you started laughing. We have received communication that Oscar needs to be picked up from Kindy. Okay. So, not only have I paid for the day day now he's got to spend the day here so i better go and do that yes and oh he made it to 130 yeah that's pretty good so look thank you again or can i just say one thing yes ash you know this the good people of this podcast don't know this on On the 16th of September, which is a Saturday,

I'm going to be taking on a new job as Chief Packing Officer at Aldi. I'll be at Brookvale. Brook at the Vale. Which is your neck of the woods, Ash. For two bucks, I will pack your groceries at the checkout. Because Matt really needs the money. Times are tough. This podcast is not making us any money anymore. So, I'm now at the checkout. Because Matt really needs the money. Times are tough. This podcast is not making us any money anymore.

So I'm now at Aldi. All that money that's donated will then go to Camp Quality for kids with cancer. Two bucks, rip off. I think that's- Two bucks a bag? I was saying, yeah. Or the whole lot.

Per shopper, per shopper, two bucks. It's like me and a bunch of shoppers get together and be like, look, we can all chip in 20 cents. Yeah. No, it is for a good cause. It's like me and a bunch of shoppers get together and be like, look, we can all chip in 20 cents. Yeah. No, it is for a good cause. It's a good price. I'm going to come down. That's a lie.

I'm not going to come down. You won't. Nah, look, if I'm going to come down, I really wanted to come down to shame you. But I feel, because it's for charity, I can't do that. You can shame me if you want. Okay, cool, I will. Heckle me at the checkout.

I was going to bring a bunch of my mates down. Yeah, nothing. Yeah, nothing. Nice shorts. Well, I don't know if. You can show me if you want. Okay, cool. Heckle me at the checkout. I was going to bring a bunch of my mates down. Yeah, nothing. Yeah, nothing. Nice shorts. Well, I don't know if I should wear the short shorts or like pants. Short shorts, 100%. Do you reckon? Yeah.

Get the pins out. Laura doesn't like them. They're aggressive. Who gives a fuck about what she likes? I'm doing it for you. And I bet the masseuse from Bondi is there as well. Yeah, he'll be there. He's already texted me.

He said, make sure you convince him to wear the shorts. So, yeah, 16th Saturday, Aldi Brookvale, all for good cause for camp quality. And, Ash, you've got to go pick up Oscar. We should get out of here. If you enjoyed today's... Oh, yeah, sorry, please. Oh, my God.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please hit subscribe button. Send it to someone that could use a perk up, a parent or a non-parent. Who cares? Jump onto Spotify. Jump onto Apple, iHeartRadio. Leave a review, five stars. Follow us on our Instagram. Well said.

And we love you. Clearly, I need to go. See you. Bye, guys. See you next time. clearly i need to go see you two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout australia and their connections to land sea and community we pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.