Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Kids Always Wanna Pretend To Be Parents - Until They're Parents

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

We kick off this episode with an update on Mr Freeze - unfortunately he didn't like the idea of the family home being sold so he decided to ward off potential buyers at the open house with a samurai sword. Stay tuned for more details. Turns out Marlie still needs a bit of practice as mum - she took her baby doll down to the beach and drowned her in front of other shocked parents. Remind Matt never to take lifelike dolls down to the beach again. April had a session with the girlies on the weekend, which meant her hangover happened to be on one of the best beach days (weather wise) we've had all year. Ash has reached new doting dad levels as he made the trip solo. Round of applause for Ash please !   We share your best Ordinary Parenting stories as well as have a crack at answering your listener questions: Can you explain why my child bangs their head on the mattress repeatedly every time we put them to bed (video on our socials) Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Are you concerned that she's going to steal your name, Nilly? I was like, Matty J, like the ring of it, where it's like, Sammy J. I heard someone refer to her as Sammy J. I was like, it's too close. Should we sue her? I was considering dropping the J. I'm rattled. Talk me through that.

I don't know. I just thought. It's been a while. Talk me why. Tell me why. It's been a while. Talk me why. Tell me why. It's been eight years since the show. So, before the show, were you just Matt? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, but it's kind of like part of your brand now. Is it? Yeah. It's a bit like Puff Daddy turned into P. Diddy. Or like Snoop Dogg went to Snoop Lion. Yeah. Back to Snoop Dogg.

Do you think you need to freshen up your image? Yeah, just keep things interesting. Matt Daddy. Bam. Yes. Like, are you seriously thinking about dropping the J? No. No, I don't think so.

No, I just wanted to see your reaction. And your reaction was exactly what I was after. Imagine if I was like, oh, my God. About fucking time welcome back to two doting dads i. I'm Matty J. Mat Daddy, you mean? And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that is all about parenting. It's the good, the bad, and the relatable.

And for legal reasons, we do have to say that if you come for advice, unfortunately, none will be given at all. Zero. Well, no serious. No, no, no. No, no, no. Hey, a few... Wasn wasn't it a month ago that we talked about an incident that happened in the lovely suburb of warrywood oh mr freeze i did see there's some dms about like they want an update well people want to know what's going on strap yourself in we have an update i'll give you a really quick update

just because we've got so much to get through on this episode that is annoying me a little cordy cord yeah it's like where my my new job stoppers go yes actually before we talk about mr freeze do you want to talk about your tattoos nah i don't want to talk about okay at all nah it's embarrassing no it's not embarrassing just tell us what do they represent? It's my grandparents. Fucking love that. And that's it. The others are just like, I just picked them out of a book.

What about the swallow? Is that a swallow? Bird? Yeah, I just liked it. For anyone who doesn't follow Ash on social media, first of all- How fucking dare you? And what are you doing? It's Popeye and what's Pope doing it's poppy and uh what's

poppy's wife's name you should know this olive olive of course of course my grandmother's name is olive i love that and my pop used to work down on the docks down there like i can't remember where but everybody died he'll he's the guy who's sorry i shouldn't laugh you just sorry excuse me because you just dropped it in there like it was like i'm glad the death of my family members is so Sorry. You shouldn't laugh. You just- Sorry. Excuse me? Because you just dropped it in there like it was like- I'm glad the death of my family member is so funny to you. It was just the way that you just blurted it out and you just like, he's dead. He is dead.

But still not funny. I apologise. I apologise. The last thing you said to me was get us a schooner. Sorry. Fuck. You're an arsehole. Okay. All right. The last thing he said to me was get us a schooner. Sorry, fuck. You're an arsehole. Okay, all right.

Loving tattoos. But Mr. Freeze. Mr. Freeze, the Iceman of War. So, those of you who are just tuning in, this guy lives in the local suburb of where I live, the swamp. And he was caught once. How we were drawn to him was he was in a kid's playground wielding a samurai sword anyway the samurai wielding method as i call him but his nickname is mr freeze so mr freeze lives with his parents this is the update okay lives with his parents who are renowned doctors they're sick of him they've decided to sell the house mr freeze thinks that's his house. So, they had an open house the other day

and Mr. Freeze stood at the front with a bow and arrow. Fucking hell. Sorry. Wow. If this gets back to him, I'm dead. But worth it. Worth the risk. Do you know how many people they had go through the open house?

Apparently, because the cafe was open, he was saying there's heaps of people because there's not a lot on the market in Worrywood and it's a really good family area. Is it though? Is it? Well, will be when he's gone. Apparently on flatmates.com.au or some website,

it was on the Daily Oz, Worrywood is number one. Rentals, this is a purchase. Purchase. Different people. Sorry, I get confused with my property. So, I was going to have a rich dig at you then my diversified portfolio my diversified portfolio of property through the eastern summer so he's there open house bow and arrow out the front scaring people off welcome four bedrooms yeah the real estate agent has called the police, obviously, and he's barricaded himself in there.

That's a wrong call. That's not how you treat Mr. Freeze. How do you treat him? Open flame. Anyway, so he's barricaded himself in there. The police have come. They've surrounded the place. Meanwhile, Pete, the cafe owner, is calling me and we must have been recording or something

to try and get me to come over and watch what's unfolding. Glad I didn't go, but it would have been funny. He's rushed the police with his bow and arrow. Holy shit. They've tasered him. Wow. Gone down, arrested him, he's gone. And the open house was a success.

Yeah. So, he's gone. What open house was a success yeah so he's gone what do you get charged with i don't know but it was like it was a really aggressive apparently but the funny thing is he's now probably gone for a couple of months so by the time he gets back it would have sold most likely no one's gonna buy that house well a lot of people don't know it's no they do now so if it sells new people are moving when he gets out. Oh, he's going to get that bow and arrow. So, just be very warned.

For anyone out there who owns a hunting store in the northern beaches, for God's sake. Stop selling him bow and arrows, samurai swords, anything, any weaponry. But yeah, Pete was like, oh, he was going off like this is my house and you gotta feel sorry for them for who well just everyone involved like not the method oh yeah maybe not mr freeze his parents the real estate agent the police as well you know they imagine trying to take down it sounds like they did a really good job great job great job well done anyway that's the update for mr freeze nice and juicy next year i will say maybe we'll maybe he'll be someone else's meth head and we'll be missing a meth head and we'll need someone to

replace him we'll try and get him on the pod you don't want to see his rants on facebook too i've got a couple of things that i want to talk about. First of all, we mentioned before we started recording my lawn, which I am absolutely obsessed with. I got some fertilizer and sprayed it on it. That two square meter worth of lawn you've got out the back. I treat it like a third child. And we had a lot of rain on the weekend. Poor buster.

A fourth child. And it's flaring. Only issue ash just like you're gonna react no got that well and truly under control thank you very much it's now the edging is an issue because it's grown a lot edging is creeping out i don't have a whippersnapper it doesn't look as nice when the edges are it could be as green as green it's like when you haven't cut around your ears yes you want that to be nice you could have the best fade bread and then you've got it's all effort is wasted unless you finish the job off and you get the edges done so I didn't have a whippersnapper dad's out there and he listens

to this going these guys are fucking under something they know what's going on i knew this was a podcast for me laura was busy i had the girls and i thought you know what'd be fun is instead of doing arts and crafts i'll give them a pair of scissors and they can cut you can't give your kids scissors well lola was no good i had to give her the plastic ones because she's a nightmare marley i was like look you're four and a half. You're almost five. You're about to go to school almost. You need to learn how to control a pair of scissors.

So I was like, here you go. So she was actually pretty good. They loved it. Dude, they were into it. They've each got eight fingers now. So the lawn is looking much better. You're out there on your deck chair. Just like, you missed a spot.

Keep going. Daddy, I'm tired. I've only got eight fingers left. Get back to work. I just wanted to cut a bunny out. Sorry, kids. The lawn is looking great. Other than that.

Oh, now it's looking good. Now it's looking good. Laura, if you're listening, all I want for Christmas is a whippersnapper. Yes. Electric? Of course, yeah. Ryobi. Get a real whippersnapper.

Not sponsored. Like a man. Yeahiff not sponsored like a man yeah not sponsored yet yeah i'll be if you're listening actually speaking of updates as well playstation come through the goods they've heard me sledging them and they have provided with a brand new playstation i'm gonna sound stupid here is that a5? It is a Spider-Man edition. When did that one come out? Was that the one where there's a shortage, there's a global shortage of PlayStations? Yes, I've got one of them.

Okay, my thoughts on gaming consoles. You know what? Maybe it was like the first week or second week of doing the podcast and we were shitting on dads who start golfing when the kids arrive. Do you remember that? It was a long time ago. We've shat on a who start golfing when the kids arrive. Do you remember that? It was a long time ago. We've shat on a lot of things. We have.

We've shat on a lot of people, a lot of hobbies. I would argue that gaming is maybe not the best activity after you've gotten kids. Oscar loves it. Okay. Oscar loves it and I play when they're asleep i'm not here and i'm like shut up no i play when they're asleep because i'm playing playboy mansion do you play do you play online do you have a headset i do have a headset oh fuck but i haven't

ventured online yet i'm learning it's an art so anyway playstation sorry for shit on you. But hey. Thank you. So, Ryobi, if you're listening. Yeah. Hey, I had an interesting weekend, Ash, on Sunday. You know when you leave the house, maybe Macy's the same. Like she loves knickknacks, loves to bring things along with her. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is Oscar the same? Yeah.

Yeah. I think they're all the same, mate. And we went down to the beach on Sunday. Beautiful thing. Beautiful thing. Actually, we'll talk about this shortly. Yes. And as we're out the door, Marley just, she grabbed her doll.

Literally, it's a life-size, newborn-size doll. I did see some footage of this. And she brought it down with us. And I was like, look, if that's going to make you happy, like- Yeah, plastic. Who am I to argue? Who are you hurting with this fake baby? No, was a teddy if it was a real baby i'd be worried where did that come from so she brought it down with her and marley's a bit funny with

the beach sometimes she loves it sometimes she hates it and i was like if the doll's gonna make you enjoy it more then i'm all for it yep and marley loves playing mums and dads and i always thought she's gonna make a great mom it's really funny because i love playing mums and dads now but wait till they're actually mums and dads and i'm like this sucks damn it i was watching marley and i was watching it playing with the doll and I was like, maybe she won't be a great mum. Oh, what's she done? And also I kind of realised that because the doll was actually quite lifelike, a few parents were doing a double take.

Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, let me have a look. So she's just thrown it.'s just like go swimming and throw it does look lifelike yeah is it just floating there it's back good swimmer for a baby and she's splashing it she's just like lobbing it around it kind of reminds me of that luke donkins on just like dangerous and throwing the baby around the playground. But North Bondi, that's where if you've got a toddler, that's where you are.

That's the kid's end. Bit more protected. Not as much topless action, I'm assuming. Unfortunately not. Damn. Shame. That's, yeah, you want the middle section with the backpackers. Not that I know, Ash, but the rumours that I've heard. I love it when they land on the back and they just float to the side.

the rumors that i've had i love it when they land on the black and they just float to the side you are you are disgusting i'm too just a man i am just a man pervert was a beautiful day on sunday because there were so many kids around and my you know kids are like they're into one thing for a second and the next thing they get bored they move on and i kind of kind of didn't have a close eye on Marley. So then there were a few times where I'd look over and she was then playing with the sand and that doll was just like floating in the water. And a few parents were like, is that a wee?

If a baby can float that well, it's like. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Just a little bloated. It's fine. It's fine. That's it for you on Sunday. That's fine. Just a little bloated. It's fine. It's fine.

That's it for you on Sunday. That's all I had. Oh, is that not good enough? No, no, no, no, no. I just didn't know if there was more to it before I worked on to my Sunday. Is that it? Is that- Is that all you got?

No. And then as we're walking back, I looked down, I found 50 bucks. Yes. Best Sunday ever. Sorry if that wasn't- No, no, no no enough of a main course not what i meant that was the entree to a better story the main course which i'll tell you tell me what you got that's not what i meant i was just like i wanted to know if i'm gonna reject myself now is that is that it? Sorry. Definitely not what I meant.

Okay. Sunday, I was going to lead on from that being beach day. This better be a fucking good story. I want to lead. It was a beautiful down Sunday, Matt. You are correct. No wind, no waves. You would say it's perfect beach weather, especially for those who like no wind and no waves, like young kids,

perhaps my wife. Anyway. She always complains when we go to the beach because it's never perfect, but that day was just perfect, as she found out the hard way. What do you mean? Saturday. Let's go back in time to Saturday. April got a boozy lunch. You know how she feels about a boozy lunch. Loves it.

She is, Jesus, wow. She's out of control. Is there any alcohol left in Worrywood? April has drunk it all. I think the idea behind the boozy lunch is- Can she hear me? Who cares if she can? Okay. She's at a rough drop.

She's upstairs right now. Yeah. I don't want her to think that I'm paying her out because she's great. And she does listen to the episodes. April is just- Shut up. Okay. Shut up.

She needs to be- Reprimanded. Lesson. So, the theory behind the lunch is early start, early finish. I hear that all the time. And every time my reaction is this, oh, yeah, okay, mate. So, she's taken off at 1 o'clock from here in the afternoon. Well, it is early.

Yeah. So, I go for like a 1.30 lunch, 2 o'clock with the girlies, you know, do photos. Yeah, cute margaritas. Spicy mugs. Yeah, stories, Instagram stories. Are these all mums? These are mums that are going to lunch?

The majority of mums is a couple of singles. Mums gone wild. So, there's a couple of singles for those looking. Who do you think goes harder, the mums or the singletons? The mums. When they get going. Oh, yeah. But it takes a little bit longer.

See, because it's like you've got to first get past that you've got responsibilities to have the real fun yeah the singles are like maxing out already the singletons are like a mazda cx-5 whereas the moms are like a kenworth truck oh yeah once it starts it starts going it's hard to stop and if april if you're listening, I didn't- Shut up. Who cares? God. I'm just referring to the wife as a truck. A beautiful truck. Oh, my God. You're just down here digging home.

So, the mums are out. The mums are out. The mums are out and it's coming up to bath time and I just said to April, I'm like, my expectation is like, watch your movements. Are you coming home? Are you going to be home for dinner? Blah, blah, blah. Don't care if she isn't.

Just want to know. Yeah, just want to know. Manage my expectations. She said, I'm probably not. But also I've got Maze that are like, when she gets home, do you want to go to the pub? And I was like, yeah, if she gets home. So I'm kind of like, kind of find out if she's going to come home. I'd much rather say I'm going to be out all night so there's no,

I can just be like, now what am I going to do at home? You know, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so midnight comes along. Midnight? Yeah. out all night so there's no i can just be like now what am i gonna do at home you know anyway so midnight comes along midnight yeah oh wow not home wow and i just was like where are you just sitting on the couch legs crossed arms folded in the dark yeah i had one of the neighbors came over we watched some sport and whatever and then he went and I was like cleaned up a bit, had a shower. It was 12 o'clock. I was like, hey, are you far off? Or like do you want me to leave a door unlocked?

Just so that I know. No response. That Kenworth was in fifth year. Anyway, so she got home at 1 o'clock, stumbled through the door at 1 o'clock. I've come down the stairs and she's in the kitchen drinking a whole lot. I was like, hey. She's like, oh, shit, here we go. What time is this?

1 o'clock. So, it's a 12-hour set. That's pretty good, but it's like it's not that late. Like, you know, like 4 o'clock in the morning, you're like, jeez. Although 12 hours of drinking. If you're because- She's only, what, 5 foot 4 and 50 kilos. Yeah.

She's- Beautiful. Stop trying to eat on my wife, you weirdo. Anyway. Because, not to generalize, but I know when Laura goes out, she'll have a rosé and then after that she's like, I'm on the marks. And cocktails get you. Get you, yeah. They get you. And she's like, I'm on the marks. And cocktails get you.

Get you, yeah. They get you. And she's not piss fit like me. No, she's no Ash Wicks. Piss fit. Yeah. So, Mrs. Wicks. So, let's get back to the story.

Sorry. So, Mrs. Wicks, we wake up in the morning and the first thing is her groaning. The first thing is her groaning. First thing she says to me is, I think I need to vomit, but I don't want the kids to hear. And it's kind of like a hint that can you take the kids downstairs while I stay up here? Did she try and blame the food poisoning? No.

No, no, no, no. Did you ask how many drinks she had? No, I don't care. Too many, obviously. Right? She's feeling like that. And I was like, they're going to hear you regardless. So, I've debunked that theory from her. And then I said, come on, kids, let's get up anyway because I've realized it's going to be like 30 degrees.

And if I'm going to go to the beach, I want to go earlier, get a park right up front because, you know, lugging all the kids' stuff, especially, you know, shit that everyone wants to take to the beach. And then she goes, can I have a little lie in? I was like, yeah, okay, well, I'll get the kids breakfast or whatever and then you can get up. Anyway, I've had a phone call with a mate. He's like, we're going to go to the beach. We'll meet you down there. I'm like, great.

Go upstairs. I'm up there. I was just like, oh, I think I'm going to vomit. I'm curled up with the whole doona. Were you giving her any sympathy here? No, because she wouldn't give me any. To be fair, you are drunk most weekends. Yeah, but I get up and get on with it.

I get up and get on with it because I know it's a 30-degree day. We're going to the beach and they're not going to go to the beach without me because I've got to carry everything, get everything in the car, drive to the beach. Anyway, enough of that. I said, come on. I said, I was like, carry everything, get everything in the car, drive to the beach. Anyway, enough of that. I said, come on. I said, I was like, come on, get up. You just get ready yourself ready.

I'll get the kids ready. So, all you have to do is put your swimmers on, get in the car and we go. And you can lay on the beach, have a swim. You'll feel heaps better once you get up and going. So, she's had a shower. Good on her. Great. I thought, okay, we're over this.

After I thought, this is pathetic, first of all. And then she comes down, she's had a shower. Good on her. Great. I thought, okay, we're over this. After I thought, this is pathetic, first of all. And then she comes down, she's drinking a hydrolite. She's like, I think I'm going to faint. Fuck, are you kidding me, mate? Go back to bed. So, we're pissed off to the beach without her. I'm carrying two kids across the hot concrete, two bags, an umbrella, food, everything on my own while she's back in bed because she's had one big night right unbelievable let the woman have a day no no woman heaven forbid take my side you would

hate this i mean i'm just thinking like the amount that april does around this house and with the kids i mean surely she deserves one evening of having a couple of margaritas. But get up. A bit of dancing and then a little lie in. But I've given her the- She's about to vomit for heaven's sake, Ash. This sounds sarcastic. She is about to part.

She's faint. She's lightheaded. Do you not have any sympathy at all? Zero. No, I have given her the lying first. And then I've said, you don't even have to help us. You just get in the car, come. Because I knew that if she went to- Anyway, we get down there, no wind.

Her perfect conditions. I'm getting text messages from her saying, I hate myself. I hate myself for not coming. Did you say just jump in an Uber? I just ignored them. Anyway, so we were down there all morning. It was great. Macy's in the water.

We had sandcastles. We had some friends down there. Oscar got on the surfboard and had a paddle around with my mate Mike while I watched Macy and stuff and then get him home. Great time. She comes down the stairs and she was like, how was it? And I was like, I'm just going to go into full manipulation mode here. I was like.

The most unbelievable day at the beach we've ever had. Yeah, yeah. Day of the century. That's exactly how it went down. And she's like, oh, sobbing, literally sobbing about it. And I was like, you're not piss fit, mate. You got to get up, like, you know. Get back on that horse.

Anyway, what I also took it upon myself to do is to do all of the tasks that we would do together but on my own and over the top. Such as? Such as the shopping. So, I was like, oh, okay, yeah, I'm going to put Macy down for a sleep, then I'll do the shopping while she's having a nap. And just like said that in passing, went upstairs, stripped the bed, you know, started to sort the washing out.

While she was in bed? While she was like keeled over on the couch. Can you just she was in there she was like keeled over on the blanket yeah keeled over on the couch and anyway i come downstairs macy's going to bed i come downstairs and she's like oh you sure you don't want to have like a little lie down while the kids are having a lie down i was like no no i've already stripped the bed she was like oh and then i've gone off to do the shopping and come back and i was just like carrying all the bags in i was like no you just stay there i'll put it all away just like you know little manipulation i am evil so during the course of the day she kept hinting that i'm going sober for six months you have one night out mate just relax and then she said to me i've become everything i hate i know i know it is it is annoying though there is nothing worse than being so hung over you can

barely get out of bed and it's a beautiful day like it was a cracking day like it was if it's a rainy day and it's windy and it's howling and you're hungover oh yeah there was even the time where she was like oh like thank you babe for taking the kids i owe you i was like no no no no it's fine back of my head i'm like you fucking owe me big time for that okay i was still awake too when you go home like i had and i was like look i'm tired straight up that poor kenworth is blowing a gasket yeah so it took her she actually said in the afternoon look give her some credit here she was like i'm gonna take the kids around to dad's just give you a couple of

hours and i was like i don't need it i was like i don't need it let's go you go back to burton i was like okay all right all right yeah i was like you, but that's not the payback. Can I just say you are such a good husband. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I know you didn't do those things to get this kind of response and recognition, but it's just worth me putting it out there. Yeah, I wasn't manipulating her at all.

I would have done that. The best was when I stripped the bed and I walked downstairs. She was like, do you want, should we all have a sleep? Did you want to have a sleep though The best was when I stripped the bed and I walked downstairs. She was like, do you want- Should we all have a sleep? Did you want to have a sleep though? I was so tired. But I was like, I'm not going to give up anything. I was really chipper.

And then I was like, I can't because I've stripped the bed. Because you love a nap. I love me day nap. I even took the doona cover off too. What about if she had said like, should we have a snuggle? Oh, yeah, right. I would have been like, no, you stink. How the turns have tabled.

How the turns have tabled. Because, you know, usually it's me in that situation. I do enjoy beverage. Guilty as charged. But I know it's me in that situation. I do enjoy beverage. Guilty as charged. I know it's not worth the argument. You have an ability unlike anything I've seen before. You can have half an hour sleep. You can have a full day of drinking under your belt from the day previously

and you get up and you're ready to go. It's unbelievable. It's a gift or a curse. Every now and then I'll have a shit moment. I'm a very good at like not mixing my drinks. That's one thing I don't do. Actually, I'll give you that. You taught me to stay on the beer.

You never- Like every now and then I'll tick over and they're the days I'm like- Shouldn't have done that. But I usually get up, have a quick schooner and I'm back at it. No, it's like I'm the one who's usually in that position and I have before been like, can I have like a 30 minutes lay-in? And she said yes, but then I always regret it because she'll be like, oh, you got to sleep in.

But now you've got one up in your sleep. Not anymore, I think. It's already forgotten probably. I want to tell you a little story and I'll preface this and say that I do love the daycare that my children go to. They've kicked my kids out. It's a great daycare. We wouldn't send them if it wasn't, right?

Even we moved house and it's about a 20-minute drive to the daycare and there's no parking as I'm sure you all know given the stories I've told previously about the parking inspectors. Also, if they're listening, sort that out. Yeah, I don't know. You're putting you and other parents under unnecessary stress. What are they going to do? There's literally no parks anywhere. I don't know.

I don't know how to solve that problem, but we love it. We do love it. All of the educators there do it absolutely fantastic. I feel like they've written you an email being like, do not talk badly about us on the podcast. And now you're just like trying to crawl back. Well, they may be listening. And if they are.

I've got Marley hostage. We'll chop fingers off. So I dropped Marley off on Monday. And Marley kept saying, oh, dad, tomorrow I need to have my lunchbox. And we go to a daycare where food's provided. They feed you. And like when I hear the stories of people who have to make lunches every morning for their kids at daycare, I'm like,

I would rather remove my testicles, marinate them, cook them on the barbecue and have them for dinner. We do that for Oscar. We send him to tears. No, not the latter. We have to do the lunch for Oscar on Monday, Tuesdays for the one he goes to. On a scale of 1 to 10, how shit is it? I don't know. We have to do the lunch for Oscar on Monday, Tuesdays for the one he goes to. On a scale of one to ten, how shit is it?

I don't know. I don't do it. I've done it once or twice. April loves it. That's a jam. But also, it gives them a little bit of independence because Oscar walks in, he gets his lunchbox out of his bag, he puts it in the proper spot. Right.

It's good, I guess. You're holding your kids back, Matt. It's easy to transition to kindy when they've kind of got that, you know, they need to have their bag, the lunchbox, they get it. So I went to the teacher in the morning at drop-off and I was like, oh, Marley's talking about a lunchbox tomorrow. What the fuck is that about? I was panicking.

I was like, we don't have a lunchbox. And she goes, tomorrow we're actually doing a little excursion with all the kids because they're at the point now where Marley's group, half are going on to kindy, the other half are staying on. And for those that are transitioning to kindy, they currently come to school in their school uniform and now they're saying, we're going to do an excursion

to the local primary school and the kids are all going to go there, bring a lunchbox and have their morning tea at the school, which is great. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. But I'm like, well, hang on a second. Well, it won't be going. I'm like, what's a lunchbox?

How much food am I prepping here? And they're like, just whatever you want. It doesn't have to be too detailed. Just something for morning tea. I was like, fuck. Just do an ash special. It's just a fold over. We sometimes at our house. was gonna say you go down to 7-eleven get her a wrap well i kind of realized that i didn't have many snacks left in the household

so last night i was at my sister's for dinner and before i left she's queen of snacks. She's got like shortbread, chippies, muesli bars. She's got a lot. Whilst no one was watching, I went into her pantry and I got a few items. Nice. I stashed them. Nice. And I put them in my pockets and I was like,

this is good, this will sort me out. But this morning I was running late, Ash, and then Marley's like, Dad, my lunchbox. And I was like, oh, God. So I'm there trying to make sandwiches. It is the worst thing in the world. Yeah, yeah. No wonder that guy went through 7-Eleven to get Perry Perry wrap.

I feel you. I feel you. But Marley, once again, is now on the train of like, I guess I'm going to school. And I'm like. Yeah, we haven't done that at ours, thankfully. So what did you pack her for lunch in the end? Mate, gave her a muesli bar, gave her a couple of carrots chopped up, raw.

Actually, she likes the crunch. And I gave her a sandwich, butter and honey crust off. She likes a honey sandwich crust off. I like honey sandwich crust off, mate. Beautiful. That's nice. Doting dad right there. Can we just, like, I get it's a nice idea

Get used You got to get used to it at some point I'll get used to it when she's gone I'm paying full price I didn't want to say it But I'm like So there'll be a deduction In the price for the day

Lunch deduction one day We're doing Is it just one day? No, a week Oh no, that's not on Thank you Thank you Sorry, I missed

Thank you Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Back up. There he is. There he is. It's four days because she goes four days. Well, actually, it was meant to be the Monday as well, which I forgot about.

Somehow I missed the message. So, she just starved. No, full day. Oh, my God. That's not on. That's what I wanted. Where's the rebate? That's what I wanted.

Where's the rebate on that? I suppose I've got to take them there and bring them back doesn't matter doesn't matter probably equals out so now i'm gonna have to go to my sisters and just clean out a closet pantry you mean same thing clean out the closet mahali's there with undies get a couple pairs of undies for us Matthew let's go to our favourite segment which one's this one only a couple left actually two left two left I believe it's two

we're just ordinary parents ordinary parents we don't know what we're doing we don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing. Because we're ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. Matt, this segment people send in their ordinary parenting,

what they've done or someone else who's done some ordinary parenting. So would you like to go first? Sure. Before I do that, I just want to say, Ash, the reason why I love this segment so much is because parenting as a whole is incredibly hard. It is. It is very taxing.

Yep. It's a difficult job. Someone says it's the most difficult job you can have. I would agree with that. I would agree with that. Sure, going to war is difficult. But have you had two kids on a sunday whilst the wife's hung over yes at the beach with hot concrete but it's just nice sand tell that to

the guys at dunkirk it's a hard job and i feel like these kind of stories bring parents of this country and all around the world together yes absolutely they absolutely. They know that they're not alone. You're allowed to be ordinary, I think. Okay, I've got a quick one here, Ash. This is from Rachel and she says, Hey guys, here's my little bit of ordinary parenting. My boys are obsessed with going to the shop and looking at the toy section and asking for things.

Yep. It's a bloody nightmare, as most kids do. Yep. Well said, Rachel. She says, I found out that if i took a photo of them holding the thing that they want i could pretend to send it to send i love how she says pretend and now also i have sweet photos of my children and i know exactly what they want for christmas then she says evil laugh i like she added that in look it's actually not of a boy is Evil laugh.

I like she added that in. Look, it's actually not- There's a couple of photos of her boys there. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's clever. I have done this. I did a video about this where it was Oscar and I in the car, but it was for toys for his birthday. The addition there is that she lied and said,

I'm sending it off to Santa. I love that because, you know, that's a lie. That's pretty ordinary. I don't think that's ordinary. I love that because, you know, that's a lie. That's pretty ordinary. I don't think that's ordinary. I think that's genius because- Why? One, you're tricking them. Love that.

Two, you can waste a lot of time on a rainy day doing that and it's like entertaining. And then three, you've got what they want for Christmas. So, I think that's great. I'm going to put that as not ordinary. Genius. Genius. Genius. Which is great. I'm going to put that as not ordinary. Genius. Genius. Genius.

Which is great, but we don't reward genius parenting. Sorry. No, no, no. So, you're too good for this segment. No, it's great. Thank you, Rachel. And I've done it myself and I think a lot of people when I did do that video, people were like either saying, that's a great idea or we do that too every year.

Did you get any negativity negativity i got a lot of people going just buy him it's like shut up do you think i am maddie j i was like no he will get them if he's you know you know for his birthday well that's the whole point of it if i just bought it then then next year he'd be like gotta take photos you mean i'm getting all these toys so did you of the photos that you took, how many did you buy of those presents? Zero. Oh, okay. Okay, good.

Let's move on. He got nothing for his birthday. Okay, Matt. Sorry. No. This one. You look like you had a moment of reflection. I was looking back and thinking, what did I get him?

Scooter. Loves that scooter. I stole it off some other kid. Get it! Okay, Matthew. Ord ordinary parent from Andrew. This was a DM on Two Doting Dads. You can DM us or email us at 2DD, sorry. That's T-W-O for those playing at home. Yep, DD at outlook.com.au. Don't forget the AU. Yes, this one comes from Andrew. Ordinary parenting story.

Says, my wife went to a health expo and came home with a little goodie bag of chemical-free and natural everything. You know, you get this little bag. Toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant. It was a big, big goodie bag, he says. Those natural deodorants are a bloody nightmare. Never work. But continue. You must real stink.

I'm asked to unload most of it into the bathroom cupboard later that afternoon i'm walking past the bathroom my then six-year-old calls me in dad this toothpaste tastes really funny shock hits me she's brushing her teeth with lube at least it's natural and according to the packet, fully edible. So, that is definitely our winner this week, I would say. Matthew, would you agree? That is bloody ordinary. That is ordinary.

But sometimes it's an easy mistake to make. I thought you were going to say something like it was a soap. It took a sexual turn there didn't it i love how in those situations the kids are still like they don't do like a full handbrake what the hell is this they're just like ah this tastes funny don't yeah she's like why is my toothpaste moving quicker than it usually does anyway that is Ordinary Parent. Please submit yours we have after this one more week. Should I? Yeah, I know. Time flies.

And then we need a new segment. We do. We can go back to lies. Correct. Maybe we can't with something else as well. Yeah, we were flirting with the idea of doing Meltdown of the Week. Yeah, it'd be cool if we find a jingle to do that. I'm all for it.

How do we do Meltdown of the Week? It's a final meltdown. Yes do that, I'm all for it. How do we do Meltdown of the Week? It's a final meltdown. Yes. Good God. Fuck, I'm good. Geniuses. But big thanks to Boji Smuggler, of course, for allowing this segment to flourish.

Absolutely. On the podcast. We usually go, we are still going to do it, but a little different today with question time. We get questions from listeners, which we love, but this one is is also from a listener but it's also a friend of mine so it's from the inner sanctum from the inner sanctum i'm very curious to know what this is going to be because you said you're not concerned you were we're saying you've never seen anything like this before i have never seen anything like this before. So his child is doing something.

Yeah, I actually received this from his wife, so their child. I thought you were having a stroke for a second. Their child. So what I will do is I shall ask you, have you ever heard of this? I will then show you the video. Yep. Okay. And then- We'll go from there.

Okay. So, first- Is it going to be gross? No, no, no. Is it going to be- Is it no one's getting hurt? No one's getting- No, no, no, no.

Okay. No one's getting hurt because they wouldn't have shared yet. What is this guy? But this particular person, this couple, they want to know, so those listening, not just Matt, they want to know if you've ever experienced this or know anyone who also experienced this with their kid okay i'm worried that they have come to us with this she hit up april 1st and then i was with her on the beach the other day and was like hey can you ask i said i need footage i didn't actually need footage, but I wanted it. So, they're a two-year-old, two-and-a-half-year-old,

does this weird thing when they go to sleep, right? So, they're at the stage where they sit in with them, read them a story while they're in their cot to help them comfort to go to bed. But she does this weird thing where she hits her head on the mattress, right, the whole time, continuously. Right. Now, you think, oh, that's not too not too bad okay but then i also thought that too i was like that's not too bad like but still like it's a weird thing to do right especially when you're trying to go to sleep but i've received the video and i was like this is more than just you're hitting your head on the on the bed thinking the child's going to be possessed your face says it all Oh my god Right?

I thought it was a Chucky doll I know When they sent me that I was like But why is it so red in the room? That's one of those night lights Get rid of the night light Look at that

The red light makes it so much worse I know It's like a horror movie I know, I know, I know So Fuck Throw the child out Alright, so

Call a priest in Perform an exorcism Oh, bully I was as shocked as you I was getting ready for the baby's head To just do a full 360 Really, really sweet little girl. Are you sure?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Honestly, I was as shocked as you. And April saw the footage and was like, oh, my God. But every night she'll do this. But even they'll be like, no, no, close the door. She'll be like, boom, boom. But I always- No, no.

Surely, like, if you're doing that every night, as we always say, we're no doctors here, but that can't be good for a young child. I know, but they thought she would grow out of it. She's not growing out of it. She keeps doing it. So, my question is not just to you. Have you ever heard of this, ever?

Or have your girls ever done anything like this where it's like banging their head on something? I don't know whether it's like they're frustrated to get out of the bed but that she's she's loving it right she seems very content there yeah i've never seen in all my years of being a non-medical professional doctor all 36 of them i've never seen any case like that i am stumped i know i'm very confused i'd love to know actually if we can put that out there and ask i will ask it'll be on the podcast but you mean the footage we could what you can't even see the baby we can do a bit of it i'm sure i'll ask them i'm sure it'll be all right but okay if you don't know you've never heard of anything like

no i never have okay so this is where i'm putting it out and I want someone out there who's listening to say, we had this, how do you stop it? Or we've heard of someone. Do we say, because for people who may not see this footage on our socials, the child bangs their head against the mattress. So, it kind of goes on all fours and like- Yeah. Just like head banging against the mattress quite vigorously, nonstop.

It recoils a little bit with the spring of the mattress. Yeah, but also not screaming or anything, completely quiet. Having a great time. I'm sure that we can get some of it out there. Yeah, please. Anyway- We have to solve this mystery. She looks possessed.

But as you say, such a beautiful child. We'll stab you if you're not looking. She does look like that. I was shocked. But aside from that, also, please, get a new nightlight. Get a beautiful one. We've got a red one. The red one is so those glow dreams, they're red.

What? So, a glow dream, okay, is like when you have a baby and it's got a white noise machine in it. It's also got a steamer in it. It's red, okay, to replicate the inside of the womb. Got you. Got it? Got you.

And if your child has come from hell. But also the light can turn green as well. So, you can use it as like a- What is green? It's time to get out of bed and you change it to green. Ah. Yeah. Do you know any of this?

Anyway. I never used a white noise machine. Oh, really? They make you still use one. I should have started. I should have started. Never. I don't know.

Yeah. You're fine that like, I don't know if it's working, but my whole house sounds like white noise all the time. That's all I hear. Anyway, so the listeners of this show, please, if you know anyone or heard anyone or your kid has done that or if there's any, I don't know, baby doctors out there. Surely there's got to be someone out there who's been

through a similar scenario, has found out what it was, has got a solution, come to us. I did actually, Ash, have a parent and they're at the gp and they said i thought of you in this moment and i read that i thought that's funny i wonder we're not doctors so what happened was her son too much foreskin doctor recommended that they get circumcised and she said i was thinking of you, which is quite frankly beautiful. So, now every time she looks at her baby's dick, she thinks of Matty J. And on that note. We better get out of here.

We better get out of here. I will say, Ash, we have a bonus episode. We've had a few lately. We had Trey Kennedy. We now have another comedian. His name is Nick Cody. Yep. You may know him.

He does Breakfast Radio in melbourne with fifi and fev yeah but he's also a great stand-up he's on the project a bit as too does the project quite a lot yeah melbourne guy a dad to two beautiful boys yep and we have him on the podcast he's very funny so tune in very very funny if you enjoyed this episode please feel free to share it with as many other parents and non-parents as you like. Give us a review if you like. You don't have to. We would like it.

Not begging. And we will see you guys next week. See you guys. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.