Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Lord of the Throne

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

Matt and Laura went to a surprise wedding and almost burnt the venue down whilst trying to light 50 sparklers at once. Macey now goes by the name - Lord of the Throne, which comes off the back of her new fascination with sitting on the toilet (full dressed) every second of every day. Matt has a crack at Ash for ruining his kids b'day - Ash is yet to throw an 'all in' party for Oscar and organising Marlie's was nothing short of a nightmare. We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: I’m ready for kids but my partner says ‘soon’. What is ‘soon’ in male terms? How do you stop your kid pretending to be sick for daycare? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Something happened to me this morning and I don't know if it's happened to you before, but you know, like lately I've had a little bit of crook guts. I don't know why. Yes. Happens all the time. You shuddered. Anyway, that's not what I'm telling. I'm not telling that story.

Continue. I shouldn't have interrupted. It's like how many times have I shit myself and told it on this podcast? Nearly every episode. No, I was just like, just run of the mill morning bog. But because I've been unwell there's been a lot of cleaning the back of the bowl with a brush yes and this morning this morning i'm cleaning the back of the bowl with a brush and a bit of water

flicked up in your mouth no no no thankfully not in the eye. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting, the good, the bad. And the relatable And as always, we do not offer any type of advice Yes, we definitely don't, and what else to add to that?

That's pretty obvious I do want to say, there happens to be quite a lot of people who don't have kids Not even trying for kids Just taking our advice Who have started listening Yeah, I've noticed that People have been like, I'm in my 20s and don't even have kids kids not even trying for kids just taking our advice who have started listening yeah i've noticed that people have been like i'm in my 20s i don't even have kids it's like why are you listening to me ramble on you know when you speak to someone who doesn't have kids in the same way

that you would speak to someone who did have kids and you talk about food and sleep routine and i can just see within three seconds just the joy leave their face and they're like no one gives it's like showing friends kids pictures pictures, your kids' pictures. No one gives a shit. We spoke about this the other day with the wedding video. Remember, we were talking about me, you, Laura, and April were talking about like showing people your wedding video. It's just like they glaze over.

They could not give two shits. You may as well be showing them a video of like, hey, look at this bit of paint drying on a wall. Do you like that? Yeah. And is it a testament to us that people without kids are listening? Absolutely it is. It must just be us. Well done.

Well done to both of us. I don't know if we've had this beer before. I legit have never had this particular better beer, no. Have we? No, I don't think. No, we should back on it now. Here we go. Oh, I just squirted everywhere. That what she said that's what she said yes can you stop ejaculating things on your face cheers mate

oh yeah it's a mid-strength for those of you listening, Better Be a Middie. So that's 3%. Ask for those playing at home. I drove because last time I got public transport, I swore like a sailor on this podcast. And you got home at like 3 a.m. I did, yes. I do just want to say you're looking delicious in the Better Be a Tinny Monster shirt.

I know. I was so stoked when I got that. It's a good colour. I like the... They really went for the monster theme on that. Yeah, really did. Yeah. We are on the mid-strength for a reason

because coming up to... Dry July. Yeah, look, that's trademarked. So I don't know if we can actually say that. Yeah, can we say... I'll say it. Come and sue me. Come get me.

Yeah, fucking come straight after him. I'm not scared. Him, not me, because I don't have the money. Are you going to do Dry July? I feel like... Absolutely not. Look, I took too much... Do you going to do dry July? I feel like. Absolutely not. Look, I took too much. Do you want to think about it?

I did January, February dry. How did you feel? Oh, like an athlete. But it's just not the real Ash, is it? It's not the real me. Like April prefers that version of me. Look, I did feel really good. So, it was a cleanse then.

I might do one later in the year. I'm going to do dry July. So, I'm going to support you. Yeah, you can be on the sidelines. I will drink your beers. Perfect. If that's okay. So, this is, yeah, this is like a little warm-up to, because what are we now?

You're winding down the percentage of alcohol. We've got like a week till July. I don't want to sound really cliche, but isn't the year going quick? Ah, shut up. What am I saying? Sorry. Sorry. Cut that out.

Okay, April. She's always like, oh, my God. Do you know, it's technically July. It's like, babe, it's June 1st. Just chill out. I'm with April on this. April? April, if you're listening, I can't believe it either. It's like, babe, it's June 1st. Just chill out. I'm with April on this. April, April, if you're listening, I can't believe it either. It's shocking.

Shut up. It is absolutely shocking. Such a boomer thing to talk about, like, how quickly the year's going. Mate, it's all I've got. I know. It's all I've got. That, that, and gee, it's cold at the moment, isn't it? Yeah, it's like such a go-to small talk. Mate, daycare drop-off, literally every parent.

If you don't know what to say, you just say- Oh, it's nippy. It's cold. Yeah, I can really feel it in my fingers. Yeah, it's like I was in the surf just then and there was like one guy sitting next to me and I was like, gee, that wind's cold. And he was like, no shit, it was bald. I was like, I actually felt bad because it was like my head's probably going to be a little bit warmer than yours.

So, but that's such a go-to. yeah go-to chit chat i've only finished that one already what no it's like halfway oh my god you are the fucking tinny monster yeah boy jesus not wrong not wrong ash i don't know if you saw my stories over the weekend. I was at a wedding which had a little disaster. Oh, last weekend. Yes, yes. A little while ago. A surprise wedding.

Actually, I do recall the stories because I screenshot a lot of them and zoomed right into your face. Okay. Because that's the sort of friend I am where i send you your half blurred face going like you look like a fucking idiot yeah i'm just like this guy's excited thanks ash so we were at shady pines for what everyone thought was a birthday it was a location where the two people getting married had the very first date so we came back there like nine or ten years later for the birthday we knew that it was going to be a wedding because Laura had done the rings.

So we were up to speed. I did see that, yeah, yeah. And how it was going to play out, a friend of ours who's a celebrant also does some emceeing, she was on the mic, still very much playing the game of this is a birthday party. Why would you have an emcee for your birthday? I think everyone knew. Everyone got it, yeah.

Everyone knew. And the way it was going to play out. Love is disgusting. It's awful. Awful. The way it was going to play out is that we had some birthday cakes, like beautiful big birthday cakes. They would have cost a bit of money.

Yeah. Extravagant. It's a wedding cake, man. They're expensive. They look delicious did they have the surprise wedding so that when they told vendors they're just having a birthday it wasn't as expensive the caterer was there being like motherfuckers i should be charging an extra 40 on this they're like stitch up so the mc slash celebrant was going to say, hey, we're going to put some sparklers on the birthday cakes.

We're going to sing happy birthday. Out of the happy birthday surprise, it's actually a wedding. That was a game plan. A little bit of context as well. There's a few people there who I didn't know. And Shady Pines is, it's in the city. It's almost like a basement that you go into. It sounds, it honestly sounds very shady.

Like it's, it sounds like a strip club. It's a great pub. Great pub. Pub, okay. Oh, I'd say bar. I know one thing. There were some barrel tables there. Yes.

And there was like a moose head. There was a deer head. Lots of taxidermy. But people would go outside because it was during the day. So it was, you know, lovely weather outside. One person at the party was smoking a vape. Well thought it was a vape and he said do you want some and i i don't you know i don't know i know you know i don't smoke vapes but also like in that situation where there was there was a couple of them and they said have some of this and i said

what is it they're like just yeah dad's on the vapes tonight boys just have a puff i don't know what it was dude but i but I was lightheaded. Yeah, look, if you haven't had a vape before and you suck it back- Dude, it was something else. Nah, it's just like, makes you dizzy, man. Dude, I was not quite with it. Is that why your photos, you look like that? I was kind of in front of these people.

I was like, oh, that's good, babe. I went back inside and back into the basement where it's all quite dark. My job was to light the sparklers. So as I'm still quite not with it, feeling a bit tingly, it's dark down there. People and Laura, I'm going to put Laura in the shit now because she said the best way to light these sparklers is to bunch them together really tightly and you light them all.

Well, all of them. So Laura had, I'm going to say like 20 sparklers, like held tightly. Fuck, and I was trying to burn the place down. Well, I mean, have you made a sparkler bomb before? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit goes up. I'm a male. It was a child one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're fucking dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're fucking dangerous. Oh, 100%, yeah. And, you know, if I hadn't had that vape, I would have been thinking more clearly and I would have said, this is a bad idea. Yeah, babe, go for it. I'm too high for this shit.

He was like, all right, bring him here. I'm saying there were two liars. The watermelon vape really got to me. And they even said, someone made a joke saying, I bet the fire alarm's going to go off. Dude, that shit. Shut alarm's going to go off. Dude, that shit- Shut up. That shit went off.

Like it- You know when they start to take and it has a little spark? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And just smoke everywhere. Oh, my God. It's like letting off a flare. Dude, it was crazy. It was absolutely crazy.

Look, Laura, not your best idea, mate. She was holding not just the handle, but she was holding part of the sparkler bit that lights up. The whole thing, the whole sparkler went up in like two seconds, just gone. And then because all these sparklers go up, people then just throw it on the cake and it's this meringue cake. So then the cake's on fire and I'm there like in this haze. I wish I was a fly on the wall.

I did see a photo of you like obviously taken aback from like what was happening and I've screenshot it and zoomed it on your face because you were like. Dude, I was in shock. It was up to me, the guy who's just sucked on God. I don't know what I've smoked outside. Yeah. And then it's just me and this cake that's on fire

and I know that it's the bride's favourite cake. So, I was like trying to like put out the cake. Oh, my God. Dude, then the smoke alarms went off and they're all linked. So, all of a sudden, all the smoke alarms in the building- Did it have the sprinklers? Luckily. Oh, that would have been fucking amazing.

I love disaster. It's what you want. It makes it more memorable. Oh, yeah, yeah. We wouldn't be talking about if everything went to plan. How fucking boring is that? But I did think, I was wondering, are there going to be- You know, some of those alarm systems.

Imagine if like firefighters came in, but they were strippers. Yeah, they're like, yeah, we're here to put the fire out. We should do that, dicks. There was a moment where I looked at the celebrant and she was there going, oh, my fucking God, because there's smoke everywhere. The Johnsons have ruined this. Fire alarm going. at the celebrant and she was there going oh my fucking god because there's smoke everywhere johnsons have ruined this fire alarm going and then the bride and groom as well also looking

at like this is a disaster and then they had to kind of say like surprise it's a wedding beyond that moment beautiful ceremony yeah they regathered regathered came home strong mom and dad were in tears of the bride and groom. I'm sure it wasn't tears because of the smoke. Yeah. This is a beautiful wedding if we could see it. It worked out well because I was very squinty at that stage. So I had something to blame on.

It's not me, babe. It's all the smoke and that watermelon vape. Yeah. That cake is delicious. And I saw that Laura burned herself. Well. She burned herself. Pun. Yeah.

Laura burned. Burned by name, burned by nature. Burned by fingers. She did, yeah. I should have given her more sympathy. She did say, look, it looked bad. It looked bad. The skin was very charred.

Get over it. And she was like, I may have to go to hospital. And I was like, I'm not going to hospital. Marley will take you to hospital. She's been before. She knows the drill. She knows. I got to see some of it just with the stories,

but it actually reminds me of my own sparkler story. It's not as juicy as that, but I'll just whip through it really quick. Can you just confirm at what age is this story is this a young ash is this really young ash this is primary school ash okay you look like a kid who would have been into fire yeah i like burning things down yeah don't tell the police that i was just gonna say sparklers are dangerous man they are we were we had a party a birthday party at our house when we were kids. I can't remember whose birthday it was.

It's just come to me now. And one of my cousins had a sparkler. We all had sparklers because we're kids. Fucking sparklers are great when you're a kid. Yeah. Anyway, she's bloody flung it, right? This thing flying through the air landed on top of the back shed. The back shed's got all the pine needles on it.

Yeah. You're kidding. The fucking shed burnt down. No one got there in time quick enough to stop it going? It was so quick. Yeah. It just happened. The whole roof was covered in pine needles and it was an old shed.

It was gone. Like, it was an old shed. It was gone. Like it was literally gone. I can't believe sparklers are still in business. They're sold. You can get them from the shops. I might go get my kids some sparklers after this. Yeah, give it. Oscar, here you go, mate.

Late birthday present. I know, you just get them from Woolies. What we used to do is, remember you used to like make the bombs out of it? Yeah, you'd strip out the sparkler bit and then it was like Breaking Bad. I know. Kids are such pyrotechnics.

I used to love a bit of fire back in the day. How good was burning shit down? Just beautiful. We shouldn't encourage it. Yeah, I know. Actually, it's been a while since I've put something on fire. Let's finish this up and go burn something down. Yeah. It's been a while since I've put something on fire. Let's finish this up and go burn something down.

Mace's got a new nickname in my house. Princess? Lord of the Throne, I call her. Wow, what is she doing? So, she's too young to be doing the toilet training. She's like 19 months old. Okay. I think that's right yeah abel will correct me either way so she's still in nappies all day yeah yeah yeah still doing the nappy thing and oscar's like potty training we spoke about that because

he shit himself last week but macy's just adopted this thing where she has to sit on the toilet now at any moment at any waking moment it's so hard to get her off the toilet she has to sit on the toilet now at any moment at any waking moment it's so hard to get her off the toilet she's just sit on there she's fully we're just gonna be great down the track when we do toilet train when she's in her teenage years do you think she's just watching what you do sit on the toilet for like a good hour no no because it's a different toilet she hasn't seen me in the other toilet i'm in the ensuite toilet this is the where oscar sits to do a poo so i think she's just mimicking oscar nice try though i do like what you did there yeah try to make me look like a bad dad yeah sorry well jokes on you because i am

so she if she's happy though fine you leave her her there. Yeah, but it's like... It's also dangerous, mate. Yeah. She falls off. I'm going to the hospital. I don't want to have to deal with that. Yeah, because she's quite... I'm looking at a photo now. She's happy.

She's got food on her face, but she's happy. Very close to the corner of the sink, I've noticed. Yeah, yeah. That's the same sink that I hit my head on before you told that story where you fell over. That's looking sharp. Also, the bath. She could fall on the corner of the bath into the bath. Oh, yeah. It's not ideal.

Thank you for pointing out all of the safety hazards of which I've put my child in that situation. You're very welcome. But she looks happy. Look how happy she looks. I know. She's super happy. Food on her face. But anyway, so she's just addicted to Lord of the Throne.

As you can see, addicted. And you'll see how cute she is anyway. There are worse things to be addicted to. But the problem is you can't get her off. So what do you do? She won't let anyone else sit down, and you cannot get her off because she'll just scream. So she screams and screams, and then you put her down somewhere else and back.

She's just on the toilet all the time. Isn't it weird what kids get fixated on? I've got to bring her food. I've got to bring her toys. I've got to bring – she's worked it out that she's like, if I just sit here – They'll come to me. They'll come to me with things. So she's now in our house.

Where she now has dinner. She could just sleep in the bar. Soon I'll be fanning her with a big fucking leaf and I'll be feeding her grapes and she'll be this fat thing on the toilet being like, bring me another piece of fucking toast. It's going to be awkward when I go to your place next time to record and I go to do a piss.

You're going to piss through her legs. Yeah, I'm like. Sorry, Maisieacy excuse me so lord of the throne she's like she's just obsessed with it i don't know if it's normal i don't know if anyone else look this is only my second kid so i don't know the first one didn't do it but i guess like she's probably thinking like my brother does this or that other kid i want in on the action yeah but she's sitting thinking like, my brother does this or that other kid. I want in on the action. Yeah, but she's sitting there fully closed. Closed.

Clothed. Get that out. If there's any parents out there who are experiencing something similar. How do I get them off? Any words of advice on how to break this trend or do you just embrace it? Well, this morning trying to get in the car to go to kindy, she was like screaming her head off like once back on the throne. And it's not like it's all the way upstairs.

It's not like I can sit in the lounge room and just look through the door and there she is safe and sound near all these obstacles. You know what? If she's happy, mate, leave her there. Hopefully it transitions into that she just wants to easily potty train because she'll just sit there all day and she'll just shit and piss all day while she's there. Mate, take the nappy off, plop her down. That's actually not a bad shout.

See what happens. You know what'll happen. She'll want to get off. Yeah. I've got a bone to pick with you oh fuck actually uh ash fire away i'm angry at you because you've ruined kids birthdays for me because we had marley's birthday on the weekend also thanks for coming ash very kind of you to drive all the way from the northern beaches out to eastern suburbs of Sydney. I'm sorry.

I had to wash my hair that day. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I thought we were friends. No, look, I honestly, I had something, I had better things to do. No, that's fine. I completely understand. But when your kids have a birthday party eventually.

Never. When it happens. You'll be at their 18th. Don't expect me to fucking rock up. Okay. It's a long way, man. So I was given the task of, I do understand, by the way. I'm only joking.

You're just a shit friend. That's fine. I was given the task of organizing Marley's birthday party, which I should be good at because I worked in events for fucking like. Oh, toot your own horn. Okay, no, sorry, go. Anyway, organize all these. I left it last minute.

Yeah. Classic dad move. Didn't organize anything. I love that. If it was your party, you'd be like, you organized it last birthday. This one, you're just like, ah, a week out. What are we going to do? And I thought, it's not summer, so I didn't think it'd be that busy there's a lawn bowls place down the road guy was saying

he's like mate we don't take bookings for the outside tables and i was like oh fuck i'll pay whatever you need just do you not know who i am i'm maddie jay i'm australia's favorite bachelor i was gonna drop that in decided Decided not to. Bullshit. And he didn't want to bar me. I was like, Mal, honestly, whatever, if there's a minimum span. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. I will make it worth your while.

I will fuck you. If that's going to get me three tables. Nice. I'll do it. Didn't want me. East Footy Club, great venue for the kids. Home games, can't take bookings. Oh, yeah, because it'd be chockers.

Fucking hell. So I'm calling everyone, trying to also work around the fairy princess that we've organized, and it's just awful, absolutely awful. The stripper. Fairy princess. The fairy princess for the kids' entertainment. Here's Portia. I was trying to make it worthwhile for you to come out this way

and I booked a stripper for nothing. And at the same time, I had to go get Marley's presents as well and that was just a fucking ordeal because Laura had pre-booked it on Kmart. Click and collect. Click and collect. Waited in line at the service line as well. On the phone trying to fucking find a venue, got to the front. They said, oh, this is the wrong.

There's two Kmarts in Bondi. There's one in Westfield and one outside. And I was like, fuck, of course. Two in Bondi. How many fucking Kmarts do you need over here? Kmart, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but you don't need two fucking Kmarts within like a one kilometre radius. It's aggressive.

Oh, my God. We've got one that like services the whole of North Sydney. I actually got two now. But they're like 10 or 15 Ks apart. So I went to the right Kmart and as I was standing there in the service line waiting to pick up the dollhouse, I saw something in the corner of my eye and I thought that would be such a great present for Marley because she's really into doing concerts at the moment.

I did see her. She stands there and sings a song. When's she got a talent agent already? Well, I'm working on it. You could just do it. Yeah, man, I'm thinking about it. But I bought a gift that I thought was a great gift but it was actually really shit.

It was a terrible idea and I regret it. And I can't get rid of it now because she loves it. Is it the microphone? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Every household that I've gone to that have that, I just pick it up straight away and hide it

because it's so fucking annoying. And it's also, it's a little speaker which attaches to a microphone and i don't know if there's like different modes on it but it's an echo that when you sing into it oh it's like a karaoke machine and marley loves it when i said and as soon as i gave it to her i turned it on and she was just she didn't sing she just yelled in it with this echo just scaring the shit out of people with it oh it's a yeah such a shit toy like why do they create toys that honestly just are invented to annoy the shit out of parents and i i think back to that moment where i was standing in line and i was like how did i not have some common sense like how did i not sure i could have you were just you're in the moment i

was in the moment you're in the moment i do that too where you're like, oh, he'll- Do you know what my sister got my kid for his second birthday? All right. A kazoo. And it's- That shit's loud. She gave it to us and I was like, oh, like why? And she was like, you'll see. A straight up fuck you to me. And I was like, oh, like why? And she was like, you'll see.

A straight up fuck you to me. And I was like, what the fuck? I kept throwing it out, but somehow it kept reappearing. I don't know. Honestly, it's this tiny little kazoo and I put it in the bin. I swear to God, I put it in the bin more than once and it just keeps reappearing in my kid's mouth. And because when you breathe through it, you breathe through it,

but then he'll breathe, he'll inhale too. So it's. The people who have designed those types of toys, they know what they're doing. They've designed this knowing full well. To test the patience of parents. Where it's going to end up in the hands of a little toddler, a little terrorist, destroying the lives of parents. Where it's going to end up in the hands of a little toddler, a little terrorist, destroying the lives of parents.

Oh, my God. I blame my sister, not the kid. They don't know. So it's the week of organizing Marley's birthday with the gifts. A week out. With the gifts, with organizing the party itself. And I was thinking to myself the whole time, I was like, I don't have to do this.

Ash doesn't do this. I don't do that, no. no ash doesn't do this why am i putting myself through this and so now every birthday you fucking ruined it for me because i know you're i know you're sitting there on your couch at home not even giving any thought whatsoever to the birthday party. I know. And also, we went to a birthday party locally at the one we went instead of yours. Oh, so you go to someone else's birthday party. Okay. Who the fuck was it? Just someone else. Someone less important than you as well.

And again, we just told Oscar it was his party. And all I did was tell one of my friends to walk up to Oscar and say, thanks for having me at your party. Boom. You are so manipulative. I know. And we were getting in the car. What did he say? It's okay.

And we were getting in the car and there were some other people there and they're like, thanks for the party, Oscar. And he was like, that's okay. Thumbs up. Bless his cotton socks. He doesn't know. One benefit, though, of organizing the party with this fairy princess that was coming. She did extras.

Ash, please. Get your mind out of the gutter. Sorry. And it's going to lead me into my new favorite segment on the podcast. And that is. Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies.

Tell me lies. And that song. Oh, my God. This has ended up so much better, that little intro. I know. I know. Just me singing away. Were you ever in the school choir?

No. Very. The weird Al Yankovic school choir. You've got such a beautiful voice. Tell me that. It's one of those voices that's annoying. You know, when we recorded that and you said, or should we keep going?

When we stopped it at that point, there was another like potential 10 seconds that we could have could have used and i thought nah we don't do me and i regret not extending it 10 seconds of you singing is not enough so i i've started telling a lie to marley and it's very much another one it's yeah add it to the list the lies keep on coming i know it's just an- Another one. Yeah, just going to add it to the list. The lies keep on coming. I know. It's just an endless list of lies.

Parenting is just an endless list of lies. Dude, now that I'm paying attention to, you know, what I'm saying, I'm just dishing out lies every day. I'm a psychopath. So good. But I'm going to say it's like kind of Santa Claus 2.0 because Marley is a pretty bad eater. She's always been really really

tricky oh fucking bad no lol is a little like she's grizzle guts she'll just eat everything she'll eat guts hey she'll eat the fucking watch off your wrist if you're not careful she will there have been so many times where i'm i've come into the kitchen and she's like moved the chair to the pantry and she's eating like dried rizzoni and just like pesto, anything she can get her hands on. She's just shoveling it in there. None of my kids eat. It's fucked.

Yeah, well, Marley, you've got to like pin her down. And I said to her leading up to the party, I was like, hey, the fairy princess who I found in the park, she said she can come on Saturday except she only comes to the parties of those girls who are really well behaved and she said make sure marley eats all her dinner otherwise she won't come and marley was like shit they're so dumb idiots it's like it's funny when you tell that lie to them how straight-faced you are too

yeah it's like honestly just like you can lie to fucking straight down the barrel in like my head i was like will she take the bait here is this and like she took it hook line and sinker beautiful she was in and i even said to her just to like you know add a bit of spice and i was like and the fairy princesses you need to clean the floor clean the toilet i said they're always listening and they're always watching. And so Marley was like, oh, like thinking that this fairy somewhere. She's like, I love my dinner. I love to eat.

Really turning it off. And every mouthful she was like. Maybe she was having you on. She's like, this fucking fully grown man. How stupid does he think I am? I'm just going to play this up. Maybe get Lola to eat my food, not tell. And then I get my fucking fairy.

If she was playing me and who knows who was playing who. Who knows who's playing who. But it worked. Even when it came to going to bed, she was like, do you know what, Daddy? I love going to bed because sleeping is fun. She's got you. She's got you. Yeah.

I've met Marley and she is much smarter than you. She is fucking smart. The babysitter messaged and said, oh, by the way, just want to say happy birthday for Marley. She mentioned it was on the 19th. That's clever. Who is this? Yeah.

Jesus Christ. She's just telling randoms when her birthday is, what time she was born, her exact weight. I don't know yet. She definitely doesn't get the brains from me. From Laura. Yeah, yeah. From Laura.

Obviously. She gets the looks from you. She gets the great personality from this guy. Anyway, so let's move on from this segment. How many lies you told your kids? Oh, it's endless. It's like we were talking about last week, that things are closed or things don't work.

And, you know, a classic is the park is closed. That's a great one. And everyone who's listening, except for those who don't have kids. Yeah, who may be going, you say what now? Unless you'd like your dog. And also, dog parents is not the same as real parents. Let me just put that in there. I, for one, just want to say to any dog parents listening,

you're doing a great job. And I can only appreciate how tired you must be. Hang on a minute. If a dog dies. Don't shit on the listeners, dude. We need all the listeners we can get. If a dog dies, you get over it in like a month and you buy a new dog. If your kid dies, it's something you take with you for the rest of your life.

Maybe if it's your little shih tzu, but... Just saying. Just saying it's not comparable. I'm going to disagree with you there and say that... Okay, so if Buster dies, not that I wish that upon Buster. No, never. No. Like, you're telling me you're not just going to go get a new dog at some point.

He's irreplaceable. Okay. But if Marley dies, you'll carry that with you for the rest of your life. Correct. So it's not comparable. Yes. I mean, if you want to shit on the listeners, Ash. I will just do so.

Okay. Do so willingly. Back to your lie. Yes, the lie. Sorry, went off there a little bit. Yes, so parks closed. It's a great one. But I pulled a completely different one.

I've adapted. I would say. I impressed myself. You've upgraded the lie. I've upgraded the lie to something else. Because sometimes you do get caught out. I get caught out because we were actually going to the park, right? And I can't be like, oh, get there and it's closed.

Because it's clearly not. How did that happen? So we got there. Yeah. This particular park, which is very popular. And it was so busy. Weather's been good lately in Sydney. I was like, fuck that.

Swings are taking up. And I was like, oh, sorry, buddy. It's booked out. And he's like, what do you mean? What do you mean? It's booked out. I was like, look, can't you see all the people? They booked it out.

We can't go. We're not allowed. I'd love to. I'd love to. I'd love to go to this particular park. How long did it take to get to the park from your house? We walked and scooted there. It was like five, ten minutes. He's had some exercise.

He's had some sun. That's fine. We just scooted home. Did he take it well? He understood. Yeah. He understood that someone had booked it out. We went for a little swing at another tiny little shit park

with no one there. I think actually what you're doing is a good thing because you're setting him up to experience disappointment from a really early age. Yes, yes. And it will come in waves throughout your life. So you're really, I think, laying down the foundations for what's going to be a great adult.

So well done. Just like a really gullible man. When shit doesn't work out. He's just like, must be broken. Must be booked out. That's right. I think, like I said, it's the circle of life lying to your kids. Not just in general.

You tell them, they'll tell their kids. It is a beautiful thing. But I've adapted. I've adapted the lie. You've got to be fluid in your lie telling. Yeah, fully. All good liars know that it's important to be fluid here. Yeah.

Let's really encourage this. As they get older, they start to figure out what's truth and what's not. You need to keep fucking spinning those webs. Nothing is true. This is a simulation. But for any parents out there, for any parents out there who are spinning webs themselves and maybe they've come across a really great lie

that helps their kid behave better or minimizes a tantrum, we want to hear it we'll share them to all the parents and dog parents out there ash who need help i don't want to know about your fucking dog lies because they don't get it that's not comparable when people who don't have kids and i know this isn't fair because you know there's always going to be someone out there who's doing it more tough but when people who don't have kids say I'm tired, shut the fuck up. Mate, that's- You don't know what tired is.

You have no idea. But before I start attacking more of our listeners, let's go on to some questions. No, I've got another lie. Oh, what do you got? Sorry. Oh, sorry, yes. Sorry.

How dare you cut me off like that? I am so sorry. Apologies. That's okay. Apologies. I just want- Something that just i saw that came up on tiktok i was scrolling relentlessly because that's all i do now

that i'm unemployed and i'll play the snippet now oh my god the fourth half a tooth ever do you know what ebay is no no two-stay renter to build her house. Oh, that makes sense. So those of you who are familiar with who created that video, but the little girl in that video... She's the neighbour. Is the neighbour. She dishes out a lie that has been told to her. So that's why this is a little bit unique. The kids actually believed it so wholeheartedly

that she's telling others this particular lie and the lie is that the tooth fairy uses the teeth to build her house like bricks like bricks so the dad or the mom has told this child but does this mean they're not giving them any money is this charity work that's what i want to know i want to know if these parents have turned somewhat of an earning situation with this child into a charitable learning situation where it's like the tooth fairy will die without your teeth. Do you want her to have a home or not? Yeah.

Do you want the tooth fairy to be homeless? There's already a cost of living and a housing crisis in this country. Now, do you want to- Help the tooth fairy or not yeah do you want the tooth fairy to be homeless there's already a cost of living and a housing crisis in this country now do you want to help the tooth fairy or not it does seem i don't want to swear but fucked up you think like what kind of animal is living in a house made of teeth like surely surely these kids at some point, they've got to start asking questions. But at the same time, like- Genius nonetheless. Yeah, yeah. So you've got- I love it because you've gotten out of having to spend any money, one.

And two, your kid believed it and is willing to tell other people. Like spreading the good word. Spreading the good word and helping with this housing crisis that we're all in i've got one more life okay this lie is a good one because i've never used it but it really annoys me when i get the girls ice cream and they don't eat it quickly and it starts melting and just makes such a huge mess that is that's frustrating no ice cream melts in my house, Mike. Not just the tinny monster. The ice cream monster. I'm stalking it.

Like prey. This dad says that if you eat the ice cream when it's melted, that will make you sick. So you've got to eat it quickly. Right, okay. There you go. It's not a great one. It's kind of like it's giving get it done vibes where it's like they make way more of a mess if they're like.

But like, is he also like me where he's like, if you don't eat it quick enough, I'm going to have to swoop in and eat it instead. Look, I think it's a good lie. Marley and Lola love ice cream. They eat it so slowly. I mean, maybe Oscar's a boy. He'll eat it quickly. He shoves it all in there, man. Yeah, see, girls don't do that.

Girls take their time. And it's fine now because it's winter, but when it's summer, fucking nightmare. Yeah, especially if it's like on a cone and it's like dripping down your hands. That's a bit fucked. But like I'm just there, mate, waiting, just waiting for them to not be eating it and be like.

Absolute vulture. Nothing is more aggressive than a dad bite. Oh, yeah. I do it to April too. I'm like, oh, give us a bite. And I'll be like, go to go. Open your gullet, dislocate your jaw. I'll go to do like the little nibble and I'll go.

And just take that all. Hates it. Have I said for people to submit their lies? You've already said that. I said that already. Submit them anyway. Submit them. Submit more lies. Let's go on to some listener questions.

Ash, question number one. She says here, my partner, whenever I ask him about having kids, his response is always soon. So she wants to know what does soon mean in male terms? Good question. Good question. Good question. I don't want to. If she's listening right now, please take a seat

because this news may shock you. Soon. That is, he's deflecting. It's not good. Yes. That's not good. It's not good. Look.

We are sorry. Firstly, we're sorry to break this news to you here. It's a classic man thing to just not commit to something, right? Yes. So, like, using soon is like, yeah, soon. It's like when, like, April's like, can you load the dishwasher? Yeah, soon. I know that I'm not going to end up doing it.

So, hopefully that answers your question. It's a tough one. If you're wanting to avoid conflict, like I think most people are in a relationship, it's a lot easier to say soon than, look, I don't want to have kids with you because I don't see this relationship going anywhere. You're a crack addict.

I don't want to. I'm so sorry. No, he could be legit. We don't know. We don't know i'm i'm so sorry no he could be legit i don't we don't know we don't know these people we just like we just we take the question at first glance and it is what it is but it's not looking good so let's move on i think yeah i want to i want to try and find some word of encouragement here okay if i was her if you're on any type of contraception stop taking it yeah trick him into it trick him into it. Trick him into it. Because what relationship has ever failed if you tricked your partner into unsafe sex?

And if you are going to have sex, get on top. Yes. And lock in. Lock in. Lock in with your legs. Yeah. Actually, you can missionary lock in too. Just heels.

Cheers. And cheers to that Alright Matthew Question number two For today's episode Boys Do your kids Fake injuries

To get out of kindy I think Marley's at this weird stage Right now Where The only time she's not at daycare Is a Thursday That's daddy day

And yet Every morning she wakes up and she goes, is it daddy day today? Nope. Sorry, kid, it's daycare day. And she flips out. She has this little meltdown. Every morning it happens. And I'm like, can you not just have some kind of awareness

of the days of the week? You know it's a Tuesday. You know what day your fucking birthday is. The least you could do is know Monday to Sunday. So she gets upset. There was a time when Lola was unwell and she kind of saw that Lola being sick, having a temp, Marley didn't have to go to daycare. And Marley was like, I'm not.

I got the black lung. So, yeah, Marley kind of knew that she could. And I feel her forehead absolutely fine. Not even like no snot whatsoever coming out the nose. I was like, you're fucking going. Yeah. Don't even try me, pal. Oscar does the same thing where he'll just be like, I'm not feeling well.

Oscar was off Monday because Sunday had this rank off. It was really bad. Like I was up with him in the middle of the night and stuff like that and so it was like have the Monday off and he'd got better really really quick must be cold air or whatever it might be and then Tuesday comes around and he's like oh I'm still sick what's he shaking no no well I'm like oh i'm sick too sick of you so off to kindy you go you've just gotta you've just gotta send them off they'll do it man yeah oscar could have an ear infection and limp into kindy and you're like he's fine i could be making this up so if my mom is listening

and this is untrue, I apologize in advance. If your mom's listening, hey, Matt's mom. Don't, don't. I forgot this shit because I got creepy on you. You've had a couple of beers and it's creepy. That's enough, that's enough, that's enough. My little brother, I'm pretty sure over the weekend, like this is years ago, this is like primary school,

he fell off his bike and we're being really bloody naughty you know single mom five kids she's like fuck you guys are doing my head in he was like my arm is really sore and my mom was like you're fine next morning he's like you're going to school he broke his arm but she still sent him to school he came home like it's a very big difference between that generation and our generation like we could go on for days you just gotta you gotta you gotta send them and if they're unwell you'll know about it also like now and this wouldn't have happened with the generation before us where oscar might go to kindy and be a bit upset about us most of the time. He fucking hates it for some reason.

And April will ring like an hour later just to make sure he's okay. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's nice. But my parents wouldn't have done that. They'd be like, fuck this kid. Out of sight, out of mind. Yeah, fully. He's had tears rolling down his face and I'm like, adios.

I'm out of here, man. Because if April's doing that it just invites the opportunity for them to say actually he's actually we're a bit short on teachers today yeah no fucking way i've paid you yeah tell you what you do chain him to a desk and on that note that is the episode That is all we've got time for today. Please. Chain him to a fucking desk. Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness. April, I didn't mean it. Before we go, I do want to say, do you want to say, thank you to everyone who's left a comment on Apple Podcast. We can't leave. What do you mean? We have a competition when you're two and out. Oh, yes.

Shit. Sorry. I'm all over the shop today. No, that's okay. I liked where you were going with that. Mate, it's that vape. I'm still feeling the effects. The watermelon vape.

You and every other primary school kid is smashing the vape. We did a competition. It's a $200 voucher for merch from Better Beer. Thank you, everyone, for sharing. For sharing your stories of listening to the podcast. But the winner. Only one winner. The winner is...

Drumroll. Kyle! And shout out to his partner, Steph, who posted him listening to the pod whilst he was cutting the hedges at home cheers you are you are welcome and now am i missing anything can i can we can i wrap it up we'll get in touch we'll get in touch with that with that winner and get that stuff out we'll message them directly now i can say thanks to everyone who has given us a little comment on our podcast. We really appreciate it.

Yeah, give us a follow. What else is there? Leave a review. Follow the Instagram. Look. And if there's a parent out there, a dog parent, a human parent, who may be struggling, don't squint like that, Ash. Send them the podcast and hopefully having a laugh i help the situation yeah look

no no let's let's leave it there and we'll see you guys next week two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout australia and their connections to land sea community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.