Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner (except Ash)

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Would you bloody believe it.. Ash Wicks aka The Cat has landed on his feet once again. At the 11th hour on Sunday morning he managed to get a ticket to the NRL grand final alongside Matty J. It wasn't without its ups and downs - the lads battled flu (apologise for the slight husk today), premature ejaculation at the sight of Reece Walsh, Anthony Albanese's security team and a last minute Broncos loss that still rattles Matty J. In parenting news, Ash has found a discipline style that finally works on Macy and Matty J has a list of signs that a bloke will become a good dad. Budgy Smuggler's Ordinary Parent segment is back with some beautiful submissions from the parents of this country. We also have a crack at answering your parenting questions: Why do dad’s poop for so long? My husbands toilet time has significantly increased once we had a baby. How many times does your kid fart a day? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm falling apart over here. Oh, fucking right back at you. Falling apart. I'm still sick. I've got heartburn from last night and I also have a hemorrhoid, I reckon. I'm falling to pieces. What a lucky lady April is. But you got me sick.

Oh, fuck off, I did. You got me sick. Mate, you got everyone sick. No, last time we recorded, you're so breathy in the record yeah we crammed into that table at your place i hopped in the car after we finished going it'll be a miracle if i don't get unwell from this record i wasn't contagious but we know we definitely shouldn't have fucked afterwards as well yeah no didn't help mouthful of cum's going to do that. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads.

I'm a very sick Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast that is all about parenting the good the bad and the relatable and we just want to say the front end of this episode that if you are hoping to get any type of advice there is absolutely none to be given whatsoever zero and I also want to say that Ash and I are currently nursing what some may call a small hangover. Not me, mate. I don't get them. I'm just sick.

You are a little, like, even when you blink, there's pain in the blink. It's like a slow blink. There was a football game. There was a football game last night. It was a grand final. We're recording this on a Monday morning, so this is post-grand final, and it's a very sad day, not just because we're unwell, but because the Broncos unfortunately – Didn't get the W, did they?

Didn't win. You were on track to get it, and you can't give them an inch, mate. No, we can't. And we spoke about it last week, that I had received a ticket to the grand final. Ash hadn't. And you said this, Ash. I guarantee you I'll be there on Sunday. Yeah, you have like a weird.

I've got a way. You're like, you're just a magnet. And what happened was I got a phone call from a lovely lady who works at the Brisbane Broncos. She's like the media manager. And she said, I have two VIP tickets to the match. Keeping in mind, I already had a ticket with producer Keisha. I did offer her the VIP ticket. She strikes again.

Politely declined. And then I called up none other. The cat, they call me. Always land on my feet. Don't know how I do it. Every time I just pull through. You didn't even want it either. Obviously, you'd accept,

but it wasn't like you were out searching for it. No, I was like, oh, I'll do the right thing. Rest my voice. The worst thing I could possibly do is go to a football game and yell at some punters. But look, an opportunity comes and- Do you know what it's like ash what it's like imagine it's the gold rush era yeah okay everyone's digging working hard trying to find the gold i just mosey on it you're like there's a piece of gold i'll take that actually no i don't want it oh okay i'll have it how big's that nugget oh

it's the biggest ever discovered anyway sitting in the ceo's box of the nrl grand final we went to the pre-game player send-off which was quite nice i love that we were there and they were like oh you're meant to be in this section where all the food and stuff is we're just out with all the like yeah what is this we didn't really know what we were in for and jimmy a lovely actor on home and away who does he play on home and away a character called justin morgan right is he one of the what do they call them the riverside boys or something i don't know i should know the answer to this question i don't he looks too squeaky clean. He's very polished. He's a fucking handsome young man.

Yeah, he was not young, though. He just looks young. He's, holy shit. He's in his 40s. Mate. What is he, 50? Shut up if he's 50. Fuck off.

Have a guess how old he is. 49. 47. Wow. Fuck, he looks good. He looks good. Looks great. I would have thought like 40, 42, 43 maybe.

Looks unbelievably good. Also a doting dad. Yes. Scout, I believe his daughter, 11 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we had a good chat about that. Full-time dad. We might have to get him on the podcast.

We'll try. I didn't know if we should, like, as we were talking parenting before the match. We need to have like an executive decision on whether to get him on or not. Not a, should we? No, I'm all for it. So we had a lovely pre-game send-off for the players. Yeah. All looking handsome.

At that point, I was feeling great. You're very confident, very confident. And as you should have been, like I said, that was your game. Well, I looked at Reece Walsh. And if anyone's not familiar with what he's like. My pants fell down. I don't know. Ash looked over and I was in the corner,

covered in my own semen. I like that meme from the South Park. He's like, yeah. Ash was looking around going, has anyone seen Matty J? And I'm like, excuse me for one second as I douse myself in my own semen. Do you know what I didn't like about that? What? Because as we were just talking about before, I've been so sick.

I've just been paracetamol, aspirin. My guts are a bit, how are you going? And we're in such a quiet, tight-knit spot. Confined space. Confined hotel lobby. we couldn't let him rip because it'd be obvious it's me the guy looks sickly and i was like you know so like afterwards i like moseyed over to where the reception was and just went and moseyed back just so that i could get one out it was air conned in the foyer and you were like already beads of sweat coming down your brow.

You had a bag, a little Ziploc bag full of paracetamol and like menthols. Soothers. And excusing yourself to fart in the corner. That was a mess. But I still got there. Can I just say the biggest surprise of the entire day slash evening, we walked from, so where the players get their send off, it's maybe like a kilometre or less from the stadium.

So we walk over to the stadium and I'm looking around and I'm like, oh, where the fuck has Ash gone? I look behind me and you're shaking hands with the prime minister. Oh, yeah. It was so funny because he was like talking to some young boy, you know, and I was like, holy shit, his security detail is quite masculine. They're quite tall. And I was like.

They were full on, weren't they? I was like to him, I was like, you're protecting this bloke, are you? Like I was mates with Albo and Albo turns around and I was like, G'day, mate, how are you? Just want to shake your hand. Wait, was it like did you go for a slow shake? Because if you come in for a fast shake, you might get chicken winged out. No, I went in for the full hand slap, like we were mates.

And he was like ah good to see you mate i was like yeah have a good night and like carried on and then i went past the security detail before and i was like you're a big motherfucker right and he's like yeah only the biggest mate only the biggest like it was just like a good bloke but do you reckon they look at you and do you reckon they do like a quick little risk assessment yeah low risk yeah this guy panting wheezy he's so gassy yeah i mean i'm more of a biohazard but uh no it was good to meet the prime minister so albo if you're listening uh and if he's sick right now sorry bro if he's waking up with a husky voice being like i just loved how everyone opened the door for him like very like grounded but then he'd be like

all right back into his suite and they just like open the door and security geeked out followed him and I was like imagine what the president like of the United States would be like yeah that's like our version is such a watered down I know but you know if we went to the states all of a sudden you turn around and I'd be shaking hands with the president how the fuck did he do that we got really lucky because you know obviously we were there like we were and i'm not i don't want to make it sound like we're tooting our own horn here however we got invited in the end into the box which was like the ceo of the brisbane broncos yeah like again ash wicks the cat The snake slithered my way in there.

The king cat. And at one point, for anyone who doesn't know, Broncos were up like 18 points, wasn't it? Oh, they were up, yeah. And at that point, everyone where we were sitting, everybody was hugging, we were kissing, random people. Everyone's now sick. But do you remember, like, there was a point where they were like,

hey, after the game, everyone's going to come back into the change rooms. And, like, we're already talking about the celebrations. And I'm like, wow, are we going to party all night? We might have to cancel the podcast. And just like that, it turned into a funeral. It was very somber. The box was empty except for you, me, and, like, two other people. And I was just eating gourmet party pies.

Just like there's that video of me and you're like filming me like nothing's happened. Because obviously that's not my team, but like I was there for the Broncos. I think you had like two chicken strips, a couple of meat pies. I was like, how can you eat at a time like this? And I was like, daddy's got to eat, man. I'm hungry. It was a time of mourning. I know.

And I'm just- Ash is clearing out the table of finger food. That's why I've got heartburn. It's funny because I was in bed last night, and I must have let out a burp in my sleep. It stung. It was like, jeez, all these gourmet meat pies. Actually, I feel like a meat pie now I've said that.

Oh, my God. But yeah, after the game at one of the hotels, they have like a post-game function mostly for, you know, the members. It's called a wake. People in attendance are like the members, a lot of staff, and it was very, very somber. It was a tough crowd. Matt's like, should I just get up and say something?

I was like, someone needs to break the ice here. Matt's going to get up and say something. What are you going to go on a 30-minute rant? Hello? For those of you who don't know me, I'm Matty J. I've got no voice left. But yeah, I came home and I did the old set- Choked off on the couch went to sleep

yes minus the jerk off oh that's a shame i uh i was like i'm just gonna rest my eyes for one second and then i fell asleep woke up at 3 30 and i was like fuck had a quick shower because i was filthy and then i lay in bed and then i was about to go to sleep and then I just had this reoccurring thought, how the fuck did we lose the grand final? And I lay in bed for like two hours just being like, we were three tries up. I know. Like, how?

And the thing is I said, Ezra Mann will win this game and he scores a hat trick. I'm like, I fucking called that. And then King Cleary just came and wiped the floor with you. Absolutely. or a man will win this game and he scores a hat trick i'm like i fucking called that and then king clear he just came and wiped the floor with you it absolutely sucks yeah my poor neighbor let's call her barbara she hates it when i leave the lights on because it goes straight into her so her bedroom right behind me the upstairs light no downstairs light and uh sleep on the couch and lights like the whole house lights on. The whole house, lights on. And I walked out this morning to get a coffee,

and she was like, how good was the Panthers match last night? And I was like, ugh. Then she was like, you have a big night. Noticed there was all the lights on at 3 a.m. I was like, oh, sorry, Barbara. Not now. Shut the fuck up, Barbara. Can't you see I'm mourning, Barbara?

But that is the end of the NRL season. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. And look, I'm kind of glad. I'm exhausted. I don't know how the players are feeling.

Although, now that we're in, not only with the Prime Minister, but with the Brisbane Broncos, we're in the thick of it. Yeah, right in the middle of it. who knows where we'll be next season i tend to find when i go to these things they never invite me back like one hit one dot i know i just like get too lit up anyway matthew that's enough of grand final talk yes that's people are sick of it i wanted to talk to you today about disciplining your children and we do touch on this here and there can i just ask you quickly ash before we get into how you discipline your children were you ever smacked as a child actually it's funny you ask that because someone asked me that

question and i think i was definitely threatened to be smacked, but I don't recall. Oh, no, yeah, I was smacked. Yeah. Now I think about it. We were talking about this yesterday, weren't we? Yeah, that's right. Jimmy was asking this question, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The third doting dad now.

Because I was- You're a wooden spooner. I was a wooden spooner. Yeah. And my poor mother. Nowadays, we're like, do you remember you used to hit us with a wooden spoon? And she's like, did I? I know, suppress that.

Yeah, I'm like, I have a memory of you breaking a wooden spoon. I wonder how many people, here's one. Go on. How many people now have realized they were hit as kids and sued their parents now as adults? Let's do it. Ellie Johnson, if you had any money. Yeah, because I was a wooden spoon kid too.

But I was saying yesterday, once I hid the wooden spoon and mum comes out with a hard plastic spoon, not one of those flimsy camo. I'm talking like hard fucking plastic and that thing. How was it? That thing fucking hurt. It still hurts. But we turned out fine. But obviously nowadays that type of behavior you can't do that no longer warranted it's not warranted it's kind

of like illegal sorry it's illegal so how do you discipline if you can't take to them with a kitchen utensil how do you discipline your children ash i'll hit him with the car no no no no obviously not for those listening two different ways because i've got a boy and a girl discipline is different so with oscar there's a lot of like go to your room or like he's also older but macy coming up young macy coming up we haven't quite figured out what works best in terms of because she's super cheek best in terms of – because she's super cheeky. Like her personality type. Yeah, she's super cheeky. Like Oscar, you take his toys.

Yeah, he hates that I'll be like, look, I'm taking this monster truck and I'll hide it. I said, when you are good enough, you'll get it back. If he's really, really bad, it's straight to the bin. One time we were upstairs and there's a balcony off our bedroom and he was just being an absolute turd. So I just took the car out of his hand and fucking launched it out the balcony door onto the road, hit by a car, done.

It was like something out of a movie. It was great. It was just like a Hot Wheels car. See you later. And it was like. How did he react to that? Oh, meltdown. Yeah.

But he didn't act like that again. But I know that was the wrong thing to do because I was like. How did he react to that? Oh, meltdown. Yeah. But he didn't act like that again. But I know that was the wrong thing to do because April was like, that's fucked. In the heat of the moment. In the heat of the moment, it was just like, shut up. Sometimes your emotions get the better of you. But, yeah, usually what works with him is, oh, if you don't stop or whatever, you do that again,

I'm going to take the current toy that's the favorite and then you'll have to earn it back. Usually works. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you think it's unbluffing so it's going to go in the bin or I pretended to go in the bin. But with Macy, we haven't quite worked it out yet because she's at that age where she can't fully talk.

She can say words here and there. She understands things like, do you want this? And she can be like, yeah, yeah. But she doesn't understand the no, don't fully talk. She can say words here and there. She understands things like, do you want this? And she can be like, yeah, yeah. But she doesn't understand the no, don't do that. And she's so cheeky with Oscar. She'll walk up and pick up something and run away with it. She's a little silent assassin. Whenever I see her, she's so sweet and innocent.

And then I'm like, where the fuck are my car keys? And I look out the window and she's just driving off. And she's like, see you, bitch. We've tried a couple. Obviously, if I get a stern voice, she's just driving off. Yeah, she's like, see you, bitch. We've tried a couple. Obviously, if I get a stern voice, she doesn't take it seriously. She doesn't know that that's what that means. Lola's a bit like that. Laura tries to say, do not do that.

Lola just starts laughing. Just like, shut up. Yeah, literally. Yeah, makes you smile back at me and that's infuriating. But we did try something which, look, I'm not going to say it worked or it didn't work. It didn't backfire either. It was just, it was too cute that we just started laughing. So we did it.

We're like, let's try the naughty corner. What did she do to warrant the naughty corner? Oh, she hit Oscar with a container. She had a container. Sorry, Oscar. I shouldn't. And he was down on the ground with his monster truck and she just went bop on the top of the head like that oh it hurts yeah

yeah it made an noise and she knew it she was like she's smiling back i was like right i'm gonna try this in the corner naughty corner where's the naughty corner it's just like where the dog bowl is anyway i'll show you this video because it is like the cutest i couldn't stop like i was like fuck i have to film this don't turn around you stand there and think about what you've done and oscar's just i love oscar's just he's hey. This is awesome. It's not me for once. But she, a couple of times I'm like, off to the Nordic Corner and she'll take herself to the Nordic Corner. But she'll be like, keep looking back at me. How long has she got to stay there for?

Oh, not long. And then that's the thing. A day. But she went for two reasons. One reason was that time when she's hit Oscar. I said, you say sorry to Oscar, she'll walk up and like pat in like that. She's super cute as well. And again, I'm like, I can't take this seriously.

And then one time she did something else. What did she do? I can't remember, but it wasn't to anyone, but it was just naughty behavior. And she did it and then she did it again. And I was like, off to the naughty corner. Just silly me. I say sorry, but thinking that she knew what that meant like i could say that to oscar and he would say sorry sorry and he just walks up to oscar who's got nothing to do with it

and starts patting him on the shoulder anyway so that's the approach i've taken for now and i'll keep you updated but it was just like i couldn't not talk about it. It was so cute. Do you know what they do at daycare, which kind of works with Marley? Lola, like similar scenario. She's too young to understand what any of this means. But Marley's so emotional. Like she's such a – It just comes out of them, right? Yeah, but she also like hates to disappoint mum and dad.

Like mum and dad are upset and so we do this thing i wonder who set that standard matthew don't disappoint me but if we say to her what you're doing right now it empties my cup or empty my bucket i think it's empty my bucket manipulate this job and yeah it's fucking that's pretty red hot she understands she gets that but the other end of the spectrum if she does something really good i'm like you're feeling my cup or you're filling my pocket one or the other yeah and like she laughed and sometimes i'm like my cup is full and i fucking love that yeah and then when i so she's misbehaving and she's like in that little

like she's wild and hysterical and won't get it i'm trying to get a dress and yeah and i'm just like you're emptying my cup right now and it stops her in her tracks it's such like a first child things who i've noticed that like everyone talks about with your first child because now you've got a second child you've got to refill the first child's cup one way or another right when we had macy and we did in the hospital had like a little program still there and they talk about just fill that cup however they need to be filled even if you give them a cuddle and just do not let them go until they're like at a point where they're like stop it like trying to get out it's like you've shown them that you have the time for them yeah yeah so it's crazy like I suppose like

can you have picked up on that I mean yeah, yeah, I don't know how to parent, so I'm like. So what are you guys up to? How do you guys do it? Quick question on daycare. Whenever I pick up the girls, they always kind of throw out the, like, Lola had a really good day today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they really?

Yeah, I'm like, ah, like, has she ever had a bad day? Only if she's, like, on the brink of death with illness have they been like, oh, like, has she ever had a bad day? Only if she's like on the brink of death with illness have they been like, oh, she was a bit quiet. But every day they're like, shit, a great day. Yeah, yeah. I think it's part of the training. It's just like they have to say that, right? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, they still want you to pay money for them to go. Every day they're like, not a great day. Why? We just went vibing. Nah, nah. She was off. She was a bit off. She was off. She was a bit off. She was off.

It was like when Oscar was sick and he was just laying around everywhere. Like the teacher there was like, he was off today. He's not usually like that. But then she's like, but he had a great day. But he had a great day. Did he? Did he? He was at home all day.

Hey, Ash, do you remember last week's episode? You don't recall. Yeah. Is it the one where I was a husky as fuck and people had to listen to me panting into the microphone i've forgotten what it what a episode sounds like where we're not sounding like this is it is it that we're working too hard we're working too hard we're parenting too hard we're parenting too hard our wives are listening i'm exhausted exhausted. Give us a break. Very, very tired. Give us a break. But one of the listener questions was,

how can you tell if someone is going to be a good dad? Oh, yes, yes. And we joked and we said the logbook. The logbook. Great. That's great. I've had a couple more submissions. Oh.

Because I don't know for sure, but I'm assuming we may have a few listeners being female who you know are thinking about potentially starting a family with their partner maybe are we going to provide some help like that's what i'm trying to say are you going to rattle these off to me i've got a couple i'll just rattle them off to me and i want to react to them is that cool please so did you get much tons i love this i got tons it was so funny that the way that we wrapped that around getting your car so it's such a general maintenance thing to do is something that you'd spend all this money because the obvious one right is you know if he's caring

if he's caring you see what he's like with other kids obviously that's a great as long as he's not walking around playgrounds beating kids up yeah or like going to playgrounds and trying to play with kids that aren't his. That's a red flag. But also the bar is very low. The bar is extremely low. And we didn't set the bar low. Hey. Society did.

It's the boomers. The boomers. Blame the boomers. Yeah. But these days, like if he's not, let's say if there's no other family members who have young kids, you're not seeing him interact with any other kids and you think, gosh, what can I look out for that is going to show me that he's going to be a great parent lay it on me we have some signs so people take note lay it on me number one yeah this is how to tell if someone is going

to be a good dad he packs his own lunch for work something that i used to do back in the day so much care i used to have that little lunch bag. So much care. I used to have a ham sandwich. In that little lunch bag. A ham sandwich. It's so true because I would just be like, I'll just get something when I'm there. But packing your kids' lunch is one thing, but then packing your own lunch as a fully grown man.

If he's bringing like a snack and a ham sandwich, fucking get pregnant right now. Is he an apprentice? Like what the heck's going on here? But that's good, yeah. Okay, here's another one. Yeah. If he has undies that haven't totally fallen apart and have holes in them,

which again, bar is very low. Very low. If he wears clothing that is not half destroyed. What is it about? It's just such a basic hygiene to just replace your underpants. But like as men, like to just replace your underpants. But, like, as men, like, April will replace her underpants regularly. April's like, are you still wearing these? And they're like a big fucking hole where I've scratched my ass off.

Stained. Look, if the guy can buy new underpants, he's going to be an excellent dad. If he doesn't piss all over the toilet seat, also a great sign. He's got good aim then too. Well, I mean, not to judge those who have extended foreskins. Oh, yes, yes, the six skins. That is his name. Our six-skinned brothers out there.

Yeah, what else? Okay, this one, this one I'm not sure about, but she submitted it and she said this is how I could tell he was going to be a great dad. He was going to be a good dad. She says, if he lets you eat off his plate. Oh, yeah. So, like, I guess sharing food. I guess maybe because that's like a generous.

Yeah, because you don't want to be like, she goes to get something off your plate and you're like, I don't know. But I'm a bit like, I mean. Yeah, I'm a bit like, babe, get your own. But also, like, if she's like, can I have a bit? I'll be like, yeah, okay. So we are like molding together what great dads look like pre-kids.

Okay. So between us, we could be one good dad. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm not ticking all the boxes. That's what I say. Yeah, boys, all get together and become one good dad.

Every week, we'll drip feed some of these in there. Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, there's many, many things out there. Just basic. Just basic stuff. I love that. Should we do... Should we do Ordinary Parent?

Let's do it. We're just ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing. Because we're ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. Matthew, Budgie Smuggler's most ordinary parent.

This is where people write in and tell us their most ordinary parenting moments. And they win $200 worth of Budgie Smuggler product. You think you've got the winner in the bag. I've got one which I think is not, it's going to be a close race to who gets the voucher. Okay, should we just do, I'll just say the one that I think is the winner. Actually, start with the one that's not the winner,

but still very strong and good enough to be on the podcast. Yeah, so we'll start with this first one from Jessica who emailed in on to twodd at outlook.com.au get them in she says because we whinged about the kids artwork that we get what she does is and actually this is not ordinary this is genius when she gets all this artwork what she does she uses it as gift wrapping and sends them back out so she's sending them off to some other parents to deal with this shit artwork she's offloading it yeah and offloading i think look it's not ordinary oh it's also very good i like it i think marley and lola or marley in particular would lose it if you started saying we like because she's always like

where's that rabbit that i drew three months ago and I'm like I don't know and she's like I want it to go to bed tonight oh my god if I'm using that as wrapping paper I reckon she might flip out I was going to try to put some of his drawings

in the bath with him and I'm like what did you think was going to happen fuck I like that kid you dickhead okay yeah

shoot what have you got this is what you think is the best one that's come through okay this one's from Courtney. And she says, straight off the bat, no judgment.

Please. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. She says, now my sister, who is 12 years younger than she is, she was fostered by her family. And so she's basically, because of the age difference, she's basically a third parent.

And they went to the Disability Expo a couple of years ago, and at that time Courtney was studying and she was quite poor. Now, being quite poor, one thing that she couldn't afford or was tough for her was stationery. So what she would do, and her sister was on board, she was in a wheelchair, she would send her up at the Disability Expo to every stall and she would collect pens and paper. She does it every year now with her sister.

Last year, she got 130 pens. Think of the savings. What do you do with all those pens? You don't need 130 pens. She says, am I a bad person? No, Courtney. Absolutely not. Far from it.

Savvy, that is. And look, think of the savings. That is good. Very clever. Very clever. Okay. So far, both of the two that we've rattled off have been genius parenting, if you ask me.

I think if more people were more savvy, Australia would be a better place. It would be, yeah, totally. But I've got one which I think is the winner, which is from Paige. Okay. So Paige goes on to tell us that she just went out to run some errands and left two kids at home with dad, eight, five, and seven. Okay. Harmless. Okay. Harmless.

Okay. She's gone out, run some errands, and she's come back and said to her husband, where are the kids? He's like, oh, they're just watching a movie. So she's gone and off to the kid's room to see what movie. On Disney, Moana maybe, Elsa. Yeah, you'd think so. She's walked into them watching Sausage Party.

And I don't know if you're familiar, Matthew, So she's walked into them watching Sausage Party. And I don't know if you're familiar, Matthew, but they were watching the orgy sex scene where various different foods essentially fuck each other. And because it is animated, they've obviously thought this is a kids' movie. Brilliant. Brilliant. That's our winner this week for sure.

That is. Hey hey it's sex education and it's entertaining i know that's great so page we'll get in touch congratulations and i don't think courtney needs any help she's got 130 pens right now sitting in her back pocket and the thing is as well she also said at the back end of that email that she's got she's got video evidence but whether we want that or not i don't know i't know. I don't want to watch kids watching porn. This is a PG-rated podcast. Totally. We can't be putting out that type of content.

So what was her name? Her name is Paige. Paige, congratulations. You got $20 worth of budgie smuggler gear. Yes. And guys, get them in. Either DM us, send us an email. We've got a few more left over the course of this year to give away.

But Matthew, should we do some questions let's end on a couple of questions please i'm running out of steam uh well i don't we've done well well to push on through persevere through my tonsils i reckon i need my tonsils you reckon you got tonsillitis no i just need them out but that would wouldn't that mean you have tonsillitis i don't i'm not a doctor well neither am i but i'm just putting two and two to make five uh ash yes every week we invite the good listeners of this country to ask us any question they like and we pick out two of the best obviously we're not answering in the hope that we give any advice this is purely for entertainment purposes but the first question is and it's very fitting that this one is targeted towards you.

This poor mum has written in very confused and she says, why does my husband's poop take so long? His time in the toilet has significantly increased after we have had a baby. Please explain. This is how it works. I'm going to tell you how it works. So in the course of a whole day, Matthew, there is the amount of time parenting in that day.

The more time you spend on the toilet, that time significantly reduces. Yes. So if you're like, I'm going to do a shit, you've just bought yourself 30 minutes of me time. Because it's the one activity that and i guess showering are the only situations where you completely remove yourself from any responsibility of parenting and i lock the door too april's not a locker she's like what'd you look the door for because the kids coming in yeah oscar can reach the door handle. Lock it. If she wants to take a shit for 30 minutes, couldn't care less.

Because I actually think dads are very good at being lazy or efficient in their parenting. Any mums out there, I encourage you to take longer shits. Take them. I think, like, for their monthly poo, take as much time as you want. Yesterday. To Laura, I'm'm like fucking strap on in get get a glass of water get a pillow take as long as you want yeah bring a blanket i'm not gonna judge you i thought yesterday that i caught abrid doing a shit with the door open but she was doing a wee

but the thing is she was doing a wee and it's right next to the bath and she'd pulled the plug in the bath and the plug was making that sound and i've walked but the thing is she was doing a wee and it's right next to the bath and she'd pulled the plug in the bath and the plug was making that sound. And I've walked past the door and I was like. That's my girl. Get it, babe. Mate, Laura does it all the time. She's like, don't.

Laura does it and the wee's just turn into poos and then she's already like sat down in the toilet seat so she can't get up. They're actually efficient. Just like shitting and pissing at the same time. So men do it because we're lazy. We're just trying to reduce the amount of parenting we have to do that day. And sometimes I don't have any intention of being on the toilet for 20 minutes.

It just happens. Just doom scrolling. Once I get into that scroll. Probably why I've got hemorrhoids. That explains a lot. I think I do. I don't know. Let me, show me afterwards.

Have a quick peep. Okay. Last question. Last question. do. I don't know. Let me, show me afterwards. I'll have a quick peep. Okay, last question. Last question because we've got to get out of here. Because today is a public holiday, so we've got a lovely babysitter, Charlotte, who's got the kids and they've just come home, like scratching on the front door. Matthew, similar topic, I suppose. How many times does your kid fart a day?

Maybe not numerically. If you're counting your kids, farts all day. The girls fart quite a lot. Yeah, I was saying that Oscar loves to drop it and then look at you like he's done. Yeah. It's so funny. They love a fluffy. We call them fluffies.

And Macy's just a, she just farts when she's startled. What do you mean? So, like, the other day she was in, she was actually in bed and she was just, like, playing with a toy or something in bed. And I come through the door and I was like, oh, morning other day she was in, she was actually in bed and she was just, like, playing with a toy or something in bed. And I come through the door and I was like, oh, morning. And she was like. It's like my mum. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maisie's really just a 73-year-old trapped in a toddler's body. Totally, yeah. But, look, I wouldn't know how many times it, but. Oh, Marley loves it. Even, like, this morning I was getting her ready, putting her undies on. So, I'm, like, crouched over her and she's just like- Looking down the barrel of the gun. And she's like, enjoy that, dad.

She's like, that's pretty smelly, isn't it? It'd be funny if she was just like, you smell them? Mate, they're pungent. Oh, yeah. They're like adult farts. Chicks farts. Chicks. But again, once they turn into adults, women don't fart.

Or poo. Once a month, maybe. So I've heard. So I've heard. You know who was the gassiest in our household? Laura. By far. Oh, my God.

Is she? Unbelievably. Post kids, she's- April, too, actually. April laughs farts sometimes. She's laughing. She's like- And I'm like like are you fucking serious

get out of this house they don't laura's don't smell like laura's are just no i'm not even trying to be cute they're just pure air or his mind smell like decaying flesh yeah i took a shit this morning it smelled like dog shit so i should stop eating the dog food but we're a household that embraces a fart yeah i love it anyway on note. We need to stop talking because we've got nothing left. And we need to save a little bit of fuel in the tank because tomorrow we're chatting to Amy Gerard. Everyone, like I had hundreds of messages of people saying we would love to have her on the podcast. First mom. First mom.

First mom. And we're going to have her on. We don't know when it's going to drop. It may be a couple of weeks. We may have to make you guys wait for it. Yeah. But it's coming. But if you have, we're going to do Ordinary Parents next week.

No. But please send them in. Please send them in because we're doing another one this month. And we'll do Parenting Lives next week. And then November, we've got a heap of Ordinary Parenting stuff coming up because that coincides with the Ordinary Rig competition. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Entries for that, are they finished? Yeah, yeah. It's international Rig competition. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Entries for that, are they finished?

Yeah, yeah, it's international this year. Ah, yes, yes. So if you're listening with an Ordinary Rig, too late. Next year. Ordinary Parent, welcome aboard. Yeah, still something to win. Come on through. If you have enjoyed this episode,

I'm guessing by the sounds of our voices, there's not many of you. Maybe one or two, but we would love it if you would subscribe, give us a review, share this episode with anyone you think may enjoy listening to two husky men. Two husky dads. Whinge about losing a grand final. And we'll talk to you guys next week.

See you guys. Bye. Bye. talk to you guys next week see you guys two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout australia and their connections to land sea and community we pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all aboriginal and torres strait islander peoples today this episode was recorded on gadigal land