Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - One of us hates Christmas!

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Lots to get through in this ep - she's bloody jammed packed! Firstly, Ash's haemorrhoids are back and he's shittng out leaves. We've launched the world's (unofficial) sexiest calendar - Choreplay 2024. Entering the calendar industry hasn't been smooth sailing e.g we left it bloody late to get them printed before Christmas, printed prices are at an all time high and being sexy for 12 photos is exhausting. Good news is that there's still a few left online if you want to be slightly aroused. Matt gets to the bottom of why Ash hates Christmas and pin points it down to the fact that he never had a Christmas tree as a child. Also, Macy has just started assaulting all members of the house (mostly Oscar). We share your best Ordinary Parenting stories as well as have a crack at answering your listener questions: Ash - is it difficult sending Oscar to two different daycares with friends and routine? Is having kids expensive and does it get any better? We also have a discount code 'twodotingdads' for Budgy Smuggler, which will get you 20% off at the checkout! Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still standing. I had a moment when I was singing upstairs. Fuck, I'm good. I like put an accent on. Oh, go, give me. I can't remember what it was. But I thought to myself, maybe that's why I've never been a good singer

because I'm trying to sing in my normal talking voice. I need to sing in like. You're stuck. Mama, just killed a man. Is that Kermit the Frog singing it? Mama. I can't think of the song. And I was upstairs going, shit, am I about to stumble upon the fact that I can sing?

Am I about to release an album? I do want to hear about your hemorrhoids. Oh, yes. But let me just do an intro and then we can get straight into your asshole. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast. That's a long one.

I guess so. That's what she said. Hey! There we go. Nice. This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad, and the relatable. And if you have come wanting any advice, I'm sorry to say that for legal reasons, we do have to make it known that none is given in any capacity on this podcast.

Zero. Ash, hemorrhoids. Yes. What's going on? I did mention to you this morning when we were on the Today Show, for those of you who did see it. A little flex there. For the second time this year. A little flex there. You've dropped something.

For the second time this year. Congratulations. Thank you. That's more times than I've ever been on anything. Yeah, look, the roid's back. What happened? I don't know. Is it because I'm very green here in the world of hemorrhoids?

Are you pushing too hard? I think I just must be sitting there too long too often. My arsehole's a mystery. You keep sending me, this is like the second version of doing it, videos of you on the toilet where you take your shirt off as a skit. How often do you go to the bathroom and then have to remove your T-shirt? Let him cook! How often does it happen?

Oh, if it's a real sweaty one, a lot. Are we saying like once a week, twice a week? Nah, once a week maybe I'll get a bit hot and bothered. And so currently, are you in any discomfort right now? No, I'm all right now. I haven't got to that point. I did shit a leaf the other day. The poor mums that listen to this podcast are like,

what the fuck is going on over here? When we left the Today Show, and we will explain why we were on the Today Show in just a second, but when we left, you said, I have to do a poo. And I said, there's a toilet around the corner. And you were like, I'm not doing it. And it's about a half an hour. It's a half an hour drive from where the studio is to your home. How did you go on the drive home?

I said, I just have to fart it out. home how did you go on the drive home i said i just have to fart it out and then i carried on about how i love farting the car because it mixes with the air what is wrong with me when it reverberates off the leather but yeah you did poo out a leaf it was a full leaf like a maple leaf what kind of leaf like i didn't go and inspect it like a eucalyptus it was a full leaf like a maple leaf what kind of leaf like i didn't go and inspect it like a eucalyptus it was a fucking leaf though what have you been eating don't know don't know how do you know it was a leaf it was very scratch on the way out no no uh it it separated from the main pile oh my god what is coming out of my mouth And floated to the surface and it was, I could still see the veins in it.

Oh, my God. Please ignore anything I've just said. Do not let that judge you. Will you go to the doctor? No. Yeah, I will. Actually, I do. Yeah, sorry.

Come on, mate. Come on. Yeah, my wife booked me a doctor's appointment. Did she? Well, I'm a man. I can't do it myself. Of course. Hey, little dig. Come on. Yeah, my wife booked me a doctor's appointment. Did she? Well, I'm a man. I can't do it myself. Of course. Hey, little dig to men there.

Yeah, we suck. No, no, we're the worst. We should leave. Okay, well, I am wishing you a speedy recovery. Thank you. Can I see it? No. The leaf?

I didn't keep it. No. I want to see the hemorrhoid. No. I don't even want to see it. We're not there yet. I don't even want to see it. I can't wait till- I told you, I'm going in with the cream real blind because I don't want to see it. I don't want to see the hemorrhoid. No. I don't even want to see it. We're not there yet. I don't even want to see it. I can't wait.

I told you I'm going in with the cream real blind because I don't want to see it. I don't want to know. When we're at the point where we can confidently show each other our hemorrhoids, that's where I've wanted to be for the entire time. We'll get there. We'll get there, maybe. But we have to talk about, today's show yes shout out to the today show for for having us on they're definitely not listening after that shit talk

it's always we threw the idea around we said hey we've got this calendar it's the sexiest unofficially the sexiest calendar ever made correct chore play 2024 you said would you have us on the show and they said absolutely we would love to and ash and i said it could be funny if we come on in bathrobes budgies underneath and new balance sneakers new balance sneakers extra wide with a white sock not a high sock not an ankle a mid-high a mid-high sock it's an awkward length sock it is who was buying you know what it is it's meant to be a full length white sock. Okay.

But dad's bought it and he's bought the six to eight size instead of the eight to ten size. That's exactly what that is. And they slip down too. People were looking at us like, what the hell are these two guys doing? The poor cleaner. Yeah, because I said, I'll bring some cleaning equipment. So I rock up and you have to come from the basement up to the reception. You sign in and I have a mop and I have the duster.

And as I'm coming towards the main reception desk, I spot the cleaner who's there with a trolley and her mop bucket. She looks at me, I look at her and she's like, get off my territory. This studio is only big enough for the one of us. People must, yeah, very confused. She probably thought, is this how they tell me that I've been let go? She looked panicked.

She had the look of fear in her eye and I had to kind of say like, don't worry, I'm not going to. She'd been working all night too. I was like, the place looks great. Yeah, doing a bang up job. I don't know what I'm doing here. But then it was also weird that we're on morning tv in our budgies but also the segment before us they had i think he was a foreign correspondent like he was talking about war overseas very serious topic oh yeah they're

talking about the ukraine were they when we correct yeah like what's going to happen with the war where are we at and then a weird gear shift to then cut to you and me on the couch in bathrobes with New Balance on. I know. What about him as a guest and then seeing the other guest thinking, this is where I'm being compared to. Yeah. These two guys half naked.

The guy who was, I think I recognize him. He's a pretty serious journalist. I have seen him, yeah. And we were in the green room. You in the green room. He must have looked at us and just been like what's going on here jokes on you bro so we're getting paid the same zero uh the calendar yes matt just got the prototype oh yeah i'll hand that over to you didn't know it was my birthday with all this cake oh yeah that is okay so people i've had countless people message me ash everyone is just hitting me up i can't even

leave the house without someone harassing me and going when's the calendar going to be available so when this comes out yes the calendar will be available for sale. I have to say, I'm going to preface this and say that there's only 100. Yes. There's 100 available to be bought. Less the 10 that I buy for myself. There you are. Your grandma. Nan's getting one.

Nan's getting one. These are a collector's item. Yeah. They are hot property. They will. It's not a matter of if, it's when they sell out. If you want to chuck your breakfast up every morning, get one of these. There is an account.

It doesn't have a profile picture. They have messaged me five times being like- It's me. That's Nan. Wanting to know where the calendar is. And we can confirm that if you would like to buy a calendar, it is on the Budgie Smuggler website. Yes.

Turns out calendars are not cheap to make. I fucked up. I got a quote for like $10, and then the guy was like, oh, do you want it double-sided? And I was like. Who's going to get a one-sided calendar? Yeah. So double-sided, double the price. like, oh, do you want it double-sided? And I was like. Who's going to get a one-sided calendar? Yeah. So double-sided, double the price.

Yeah, funny that. They are costing us. Also, so late in the day to have this idea to get it ready for Christmas. They're costing us about 20. We're going to lose money. This is a terrible business venture. It doesn't matter. We owe it to the.

The people. The mothers. Yes. The mothers and the wives who listen to us we owe it to them how much do you want to sell it for like 20 200 don't know we'll have to work that out but not much 20 parents don't have a lot of money i feel like in the world of calendars i've done some research it's a very like wide net in terms of pricing. Cheaper ones are $10.

Expensive ones are $40. Gee. I know. I don't know how the pricing works. A friend's calendar is $10. Like friends. Friends TV show. It should be more because Matt's dead now.

Matthew Perry, I mean. That is a collector's item. That is a collector's item now. I mean, it is from Cotton Off. We're now competing against the friend's calendar industry, which is hot property. Oh, That is a collector's item now. I mean, it is from Cottonhawk. We're now competing against the Friends calendar industry, which is hot property. Oh, yeah. They're sold out everywhere.

That passed away. I yesterday saw there was a booth at the shopping centre near my place. Shout out to Warwick Square. They're not sponsoring this episode. I'm just saying that. And it's outside of Woolies. That's where they get you. And it was the fireman calendar.

But they've changed it up a bit now because obviously- Not too sexy? It's sexy still, but there's other options. There's like a dog option. And there was another option I didn't really- So, depending on what kind of level of sex that you want, you can go like mid-level sex with a puppy or you can go full on hornbag. You go bestiality, hornbag.

Do you know how much that's selling for, the fireman calendar? They had one there. It was their favorite house fires. No, I made that up. That would be funny though. That's the thing. I sort of cruised past. You didn't check the price.

I didn't want to get too close because they tried to sell one to me. And he was a very handsome fireman. It was a booth. It was a booth. Oh, shit. So the firemen were there. Whether they're real firemen. Imagine if that was your... They're like, congratulations, you're now

a fireman, but you're too good looking. You have to actually stand at Worrywood Shopping Centre and sell the calendars of all the real firemen. There's a house on fire. Not you. He's like trying to blow it out with calendars.

Yeah. Well, I was going to say maybe you didn't want to have any competition there because the world of calendars, very competitive. I know. I was going to walk past and like push his stall over and just be like, dad's rule. Just take off. Good thing I didn't.

Because the firemen have had, they've had like a chokehold on the industry. They have, yeah. For a very long time. Well, as of now. As of now. Get ready, sexy firemen. There's a couple of sexy house dads coming your way. They're panicking.

House husbands cleaning. So, I'm thinking 29 bucks. Yeah, that's pretty good. Okay, happy with that? Yeah, whatever. Okay, great. You can give them away. I've already lost money. It doesn't really matter. Yeah, okay's pretty good. Okay, happy with that? Yeah, whatever. Okay, great. You can give them away. I've already lost money.

It doesn't really matter. Yeah, okay. We already spent the money. $29 and we'll sign a couple. Oh. The first 10 we'll sign. Random. Maybe in the back.

Sign it on the back. On the back. Yeah, that way you don't have to look at it. So they, yeah, get them quick. In time for Christmas. Yeah. That was the whole objective. We wanted to try and get these out the door, ready to make people's Christmas morning just that little bit more special.

I can't wait for all the husbands to come at us and be like, how dare you make us look bad. You ruined my Christmas. You ruined my Christmas with this thing. Speaking of husbands. Yes. I met a doting fan yesterday. Oh.

At the cafe. It doesn't happen often. No, every now and then. Not for me, but how did yours unfold? I was having breakfast with Macy. Well, she was having a marshmallow. It the cafe. It doesn't happen often. No, every now and then. Not for me, but how did yours unfold? I was having breakfast with Macy. Well, she was having a marshmallow. It's different. And she had two kids.

Beautiful kids. Sorry, I just did a terrible try. Do not do that again, please. Don't. And she was coming out and she said, oh, I love the podcast. And I was like, oh, thank you. She goes, I listen to it all the podcast. And I was like, oh, thank you. She goes, I listen to it all the time. And I was like, thank you so much.

That means the world. And it does. And then she said, oh, my husband hates you. And I was like, what? Maybe not hate. Emotional rollercoaster. That's what I heard. I heard my husband hates you.

For what reason? Because apparently we're all she talks about. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. A little bit jealous. Well, jealousy is an ugly color, my friend. He is, get her a calendar. I'm going to find out who she is and I'm going to give her a calendar. Delivered.

We should deliver it to her house. I can leave it. We should knock on her door on Christmas morning. I'll find out. She must be local to me because it's a cafe that we always go to. I know where she lives. Yeah. We'll find out.

We're going to get her a calendar. The husband was there? No. No. Okay. But she said, I better not tell him that I ran into you. Am I having an affair? Yeah.

So, shout out. I didn't get your name. My bad. But if you're listening right now and if she is as big of a fan as what she says she is, she will be listening. She will hunt me down. She knows my address. You do live very close to the cafe.

I do. I've forgotten her name. There was a couple of people. You know, the Spotify wrapped came out. The top fan was someone. they were in the top 6%. She came out and said, depending on how many hours of like listening or how many episodes you listen to for the podcast, Spotify tells you like what percentage of a fan you are.

So you could be like the top 1%. The best that I found, you're confused. I'm so confused, but I'm with you. So Spotify wrapped. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spotify, it's an app. No, I understand.

It's an app that you listen to. No, people are literally going, this is too much. Turn it off. You're going to show me. So Casey Elizabeth, I just want to say she was in the top 3%. Well, who are the top two? Well, I did a shout out to say, who are you? How many hours is that?

Oh, that's a lot. That is 1,532 minutes. I feel so sorry for your eardrums. Listen to my voice for that long. And she said, what do I get? Get a calendar. Bam. Just like that.

Now there's only 98. Actually, today's show kept one, didn't they? Yeah. So now it's 97. 97. Just like that Now there's only 98 Yeah Actually Today's show kept one Didn't they Yeah So now there's 97 97 Just like that

I was going to count them down They are running out the door There's probably enough of them For us to sign all of them Like let's be honest I was going to suggest that But then I know you hate Anything

Everything So I was like We'll cap it at 10 5 Nah We'll go 10 I do want to hit you up About something Yes So I was like, we'll cap it at 10. Five. No, we'll go 10. I do want to hit you up about something. Yes.

Because we're now well into December, right? We are. We are. Christmas is, I think by the time it's- Looming. It's, I want to say circa roughly 15 days away. What does circa mean? I'm going to say circa means like approximately. So when people say circa 2000, it's like a roundabout to 2000.

Hold the line, please, Colin. I'm just going to Google this. You ask a question, mate. Don't ask. Don't ask a question. An excuse to pick your phone up. That you don't want to find out the answer to. Killing me softly with him.

Means approximately. Oh, there you go. So you're right. Always am, mate. Yippee. Always am. Always am. Yeah, there we go.

So Christmas is very, very close, around the corner. Obviously, it's a very exciting time. For who? Everyone involved, kids, parents. It's a great time. It's one of the, I would say, arguably the best time of the entire year. Where are you going with this? Except for one person.

And that person is Ash Wicks. You hate Christmas. I should have known you would have been a Christmas Grinch. I probably used hate out of context. I don't hate it. So let's just... Sorry. I've got fucking new chairs.

It's so fucking... I hate this chair. Okay. Sorry. I'll take that. I bought new chairs specifically for you because... They need like some... They're a bit harsh on the buttocks.

Yeah. They're like a rope. I told you the other day I had like a massive pimple in the back of my leg. A boil, yeah. Scratch the shit out of it. It's not a hemorrhoid. It's a boil. It's hard to keep ash.

Would you rub your neck on my leg afterwards? Absolutely. You hate Christmas. But does it come from the fact that you revealed to me that as a child you never had a Christmas tree? Yeah, so when I was a kid, it's not that we never had a Christmas tree. We just didn't have a Christmas tree in our house.

As that was coming out of my mouth, I was like, that was dumb. So at my place of residence, in the home that I lived in. I'm not an orphan. Sorry, mum. No, my nan had the Christmas tree in her house. The more I talk, the worse this sounds. Sorry, mum. No, my nan had the Christmas tree at her house. The more I talk, the worse this sounds. So my grandmother had the Christmas tree at her house because we would always go there for Christmas in the afternoon

and then at home we didn't have one. Ever? No. Never? Never. Not until we were like, oh, we moved to the Gold Coast and Nan still lived in Sydney. She still kept putting her Christmas tree up even though no one came.

That was a joke. Just came. People were just hoping. People still came. Praying. They'll come back. And then that's when we all of a sudden we had to have – and like we were older and it was more like we were getting presents

for each other more than, know mom and dad it wasn't that mom and dad didn't believe like didn't like oh well get it in i'm starting to cry okay question the people who listen to this podcast must think this is the most complicated human being in the world now we know why was there ever a point when you were younger where you would go to someone else's house and you would see their christmas tree you would then come back to your own home and go hang on a second i was never lied to about christmas if you've got kids in the car and they're listening to this yeah just a warning i was never lied to about christmas so is in the santa like who gives the gifts which we all know wink wink is santa

yeah what really gave away is my nan dressing up as santa look i also liked that about my childhood that I was never fucking fluffed about with that shit. I remember being in grade one, approaching my mum in the corner of the house and being like, just tell me where is he? How does he do it? It's impossible. There's so many houses. What's in on your sucking centre off?

What's going on? Right, so your parents were just straight up. They were pretty straight up with me, yeah, but the neighbours' kids and stuff weren't. They were still in fairyland, so they were telling me not to tell them. Were you the person then that went round to all the kids and being like, sorry, Timmy, hate to break it to you. He doesn't fucking exist.

Yeah, that was me. That was you. No, I wasn't. Just crushing dreams. I was respectful. I don't think you were. I don't even believe that. But, yeah, it just wasn't something that – also, we were pretty poor.

Just add that in there. No, we still celebrated Christmas. It wasn't like – and I did enjoy Christmas as a kid because I get to go out to my nan and be with my nan and stuff like that. But it, like, wasn't something we celebrated at home. Christmas carols, are you into that or not really? I used to work in retail when I was like in my teenage years. That is painful.

So painful. That is painful. Another reason I also think like Christmas is like now I've got kids, I humour it. My wife loves it. She loves Christmas. That's great. I'm not going to sit here and completely poo-poo on it.

But I'm like if it didn't exist, it wouldn't bother me. It's a lot different. Have you ever had a Christmas overseas where it's cold? No. I did Christmas in Bali once. It was the best. Didn't have to see anybody. But if you have a Christmas, like being in London,

it is so depressing. The weather is so bad and miserable that the only thing that is just giving people any glimmer of hope, any just minute amount of happiness is that and Christmas. And so I think you have a different appreciation for Christmas. When you see that if it wasn't for Christmas, people would be in a lot worse place than what they are right now. It's just busy, dude. It is busy. Look, like I said, hate's a strong word.

I despise it. No, it's not. It's just I just humour it for my kids now. Whose idea was a Christmas tree at your place? Where I live now. Correct. I think it was just, I don't know, April's, I guess. If April was like, I couldn't care less, we wouldn't have one.

She's what, yeah. And then we're just like, I'm going to set it up. I'm like, ugh. Like we're saying, I've got to humor it because I have kids. That's it. I set our Christmas tree up. No, actually, I set your Christmas tree up. Yeah, we did it as part of the shoot for the calendar,

not to keep plugging the calendar. Do you know how many times I washed my hands? And Laura was like, you have to take it down. Not the tree, the decorations, because I want the kids to put it on. But we had that memory. Yeah, that would tarnish what I've just created with Ash. As soon as I say Marley and Lola, I'm going to be like, do you know what?

I set it up before you. Well, Lola did a crap job. It's a nightmare trying to get a four-year-old and a two-year-old to put on decorations on a tree. Yeah, April whipped out our tree on a Sunday afternoon after we'd been to a 30th the night before. I was like, why? She was like, no, I want the kids to do it with me.

I'm like, do it when they're not here. It's so much easier. Or get them to do the final decoration. I'm like, do it when they're not here. It's so much easier. Or get them to do like the final decoration. Yeah, or something like that. And I had a tally of how many times April lost her shit and how many times the kids lost their shit. So April lost her shit three times with the kids. And the kids, two meltdowns between them.

Yeah. It's not bad odds. They kept stepping on sharp things. They're like, ah! And then Oscar went outside to get something for the tree and Macy just like shut the door on him. I don't know if this Christmas tree is a splurge. I've got the one with the built-in.

We're getting that next time. Very light. But it freaks me out and I'm sure they're a lot better now, but I'm like, in fact, Marley loves to keep them on. She doesn't want to turn them off at night time. And I'm like, that's going to burn the house down. That $30 Christmas tree from Kmart. I wouldn't trust it.

We turn ours off. Macy comes down and says, first thing in the morning, she turns it back on. It's probably not the right time to tell you, Ash, as well, that if you are on the Gold Coast and you do want to get into the festive spirit, we have carols on the Beach. Oh, yes. On December the 17th. It's a Sunday.

It's free. Are you not good enough to host the Sydney ones? Is that what the deal is? The Sydney ones aren't as good. The Domain ones. You're telling me. I've been to it. It's crap.

It's a nightmare to go there, isn't it? It's a nightmare. Whereas this one's on the beach, Surfers Paradise Beach. Swim in. Yeah, you can be catching waves as you're singing like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or whatever song that is. Yeah, okay. When is it?

December 17th. Yes. Surfers? I don't want to pressure you. I don't want to force this upon you because I know what kind of childhood you had. Carry on like it's really traumatic. Should have seen her around Halloween. Jesus.

Just an idea, mate. Let it marinate. I'm not going to go. Okay. But you're going to go. You're going to host it. I'll be there. With your beautiful, long-legged wife.

So, good for you. If you want to bring the kids along? No. Okay. I'll get the rundown. We are actually on Saturday. We're recording this now in the lead up to that day. Everyone's like, it's going to be like 42 degrees, 500 degrees.

Where are you going to be? Apparently that afternoon we're going to Avalon for some Christmas carols. What? Against my will. It's 40 degrees i know dude you're telling me i gotta go to something i hate in the hottest day of the year what about macy what about it she's so what about me she's sorry what about you she's really white that i'm concerned for that day i've turned the kitchen light on and i've looked over and she's like sizzling yeah if you turn the light off she glows speaking about macy really quickly just on macy my perfect little girl

has turned she's turned on me the terrible twos right and you've got a two-year-old. Oscar wasn't bad in that two to three-nager sort of. Like, he was just cheeky. Cheeky talkback, but not evil. Macy, flat out evil. Wow, what has she done? The silent assassin. What hasn't she done? All of a sudden, last week, she starts hitting.

Hitting who? Whoever is in her way. Anyone. Anything. She is so sweet. I know. I've never heard a peep from her. Hitting. Hitting who? Whoever is in her way. Anyone. Anything. She is so sweet. I know. I've never heard a peep from her. Hitting.

She bit April yesterday. Bit April? Yeah. Give me the context of the bite. So she was trying to get to April while she was sitting like this. Yeah. And she was like on her legs, but April was trying to do something else. And because she wasn't picking her up, bit her on the leg. How do you

combat that? Bite her back, no That's actually, I've heard that I've heard that too, April tried to explain that to me but I was like, don't you fucking bite a child right in front of me. I think she was like pretending to bite her. She was like I'm like, you just gotta think it's a game It's like the other week when I farted on Marley

when she farted on me. Hey, I've not been farted on since. Yet, not Probably when you're fast asleep because you never wake up for anything squatted over your mouth and gone please come on come on cop that dad hitting anybody anything in their way oscar especially is her favorite to hit biting i've caught her trying to bite oscar she also does this thing where she will not take no for an answer will not so she was like strumming my guitar in the bedroom and i was like don't touch it trying to be gentle i'm like don't just like don't move her away you know tap her on the hand like no no no turn around you beat your child yeah then like didn't listen wouldn't listen kept turning around shaking her head i tell her to get out of the kitchen she's just shaking her head

smiling and shaking her head evil and then the other day this is the worst so first of all she was me her and oscar were all in bed and like she was kicking him and he's like stop and i'm like stop kicking so she leans over grabs his hair like this right doesn't move for those at home hand still got a fistful of his fucking hair fistful and i go don't she smiles back at me yanks it right down to the like the mattress on the bed and he just screams and she's like locked jaw like a staffy i cannot get the hair out of her hand and she's smiling back at me. Like I've heard of like when dogs get locked, you've got to shove a hose up their ass. I didn't know what to do.

Eventually, after my voice has gone to fucking 10. Yeah. And I was like, where has my perfect little child gone? She's just turned. You're just going to write it out? What are you going to do? I'm actually going to sell her on Facebook Marketplace. How much?

Cheap. Take her. Get her out of the house. But she's so sweet. She'll come up and give you a kiss on the cheek afterwards. And you're like. It's weird that she's abusing your son with a smile on her face yeah it's it's psychotic she's fucking evil because marley when she has a tantrum she she does

it in full tantrum mode like it's weird isn't it how one goes one way and the other goes opposite we don't really have the evil side of lola she's just like a big old like marshmallow who's funny and cheeky whereas marley like even now like last night dude we're at the rsl having a beautiful dinner everyone's having a great time laura's sister's there her family chicken palm and i had the steak ritzy and marley was flipping out like by like I'm talking chairs across the room, like took her shoes off, lobbed her shoes across the room as well. What the fuck is wrong with them? Because she couldn't play the pokies.

She was like, the brickies laptop. She said, I want to play the games. And I was like, they're adult games. And she's like, fuck. What are they called in New Zealand? Nana's laptop or something? Or like Nana's piano. I don't know.

Something like that. What's wrong with them? It's just, you know, you put it perfectly. And a lot of people were like, I agree. When you're like, they're just drunk. It's like owning a drunk person. Yeah. They seriously don't make any sense.

They blabber. They can barely walk straight. And then they keep at the end of it, they be like i love you so much man it's i love you it's the worst another thing macy's doing is going to sleep and then shitting herself that is the worst it is so annoying it's like performing minor surgery to like just don't wake her up? We're down there with a torch in my mouth. Slowly trying to like lift her. Trying to surgically remove a fucking nugget from her asshole. And then wrapping her back up without her waking up.

It's painful. I'm sorry going through this. I want to say it gets better. But it fucking doesn't. It doesn't. Talking about random behavior. Lay it on me. That we're trying to figure out last week we spoke about your friend who had a child oh yes bang their head against the mattress whenever they went to bed the headbanger they

went to the doctor doctor said that it's fine they'll grow out of this several doctors we've had a lot of messages come through yeah firstly a lot of people who grew up as headbangers and now that they're adults, they say they're totally fine. Hard to read the messages because it was riddled with spelling mistakes. That's what they say. They said that they did it just as a way of comforting themselves. But I've got a few others. There's one here from Emma.

She says she loves the pod. Thanks. She's a final year medical student but she says but obviously this is not advice because we never give advice she says it's quite common in young kids as a way to self-soothe so she said her dad used to do as a kid but she also says it's a type of stimming like a repetitive motion that is particularly common with autistic children. And apparently, Ash, 20% of kids do this. 20% of kids bang their head against a mattress like that. Yeah.

Yep. So nothing to be overly concerned about in case there are people listening. Yeah, look, the couple that are my friends that gave me this, they're not overly concerned. They've been to doctors. They're like, look, she's fine. She'll grow out of it. And apparently she was doing it at kindy too. And then she stopped doing it at kindy.

Right. And then after a few weeks went back to doing it. Interesting. Very interesting. I mean, well, this case is not closed. No. We will keep this open. We'll keep this open.

Be warned, I guess. I don't want to encourage other people to give us any type of question that requires medical advice. Yeah, this was like a one-off. Let's just see what other people say. Because it came from a friend of yours, Ash. Yeah, don't send me pictures of your kids or videos of your kids doing something.

You're like, hey, Ash, why do they do this? Because it'll be ignored. Delete it. Unless it's really funny. Because it'll be ignored. Delete it. Unless it's really funny. Matt, it is time for the last time this year.

Makes me upset when you say that. Yes. A bit emotional. For Ordinary Parent. We're just ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing.

Because we're ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. Now, this is a segment where people send in their ordinary parenting stories. We've been doing this for the back end of the year. This is the last one. This is the last $200 worth of budgie smugly gear we are going to give out but at the end of this segment there is something else that we are willing to offer correct so let's just get to it let me read you my one please and then you can give me what you've got ash that sounds like a great plan that was the most well well reconstructed sentence that a man has ever

okay this one comes from nadia and it says i make my son what i want for breakfast i.e yogurt granola bowl sounds good then she gives it straight to him, her child. Which is what she wants. Which is what she wants. Correct. And then she makes my breakfast, aka Weet-Bix, which of course is their child's breakfast, and then starts to

eat that and within seconds he tries to switch it because he always wants to eat what I'm eating. Yes! So they did say, look this is more of an ordinary parenting hack. It's brilliant. That's great. It's a good idea. I might try it.

Dude, every time, whatever I make for Lola, it doesn't matter what I've got. She can have neutral grain, which she loves. As soon as I have anything in a bowl, she's like, give me that right now. Yeah, give it to me right now. I find that, and I had this conversation with my mate yesterday. He was like, I go, what are you up to? He goes, I'm just watching my kids eat dinner.

He goes, I can't believe they're eating it. I was like, I know. I put so much effort into their food. The other day when they sat, I was like, kids sit down for dinner. He comes in and I just put empty plates in front of them to see what would happen. They were fine. They were content.

And I was like, what? I'm just like not interested. They didn't question it. No. And I was like, what? I'm just like not interested. They didn't question it. No. And I was like, nah, I'm just kidding. And I rang their food over to them and they were like, I was like, get out of my fucking house. Yo, what have you got for me, Matt?

Finish this strong. Okay. Are there any dicks in this? Any lube? No lube. No. Last week's was a cracker. That's a great guess.

That's the best one. But this one is very good. It's ordinary ADHD. Ooh, topical. Topical. So Abby says, my husband is usually Mr. Dependable. He literally never drops the ball when it comes to the kids. God.

Chalky tongue over here. Their eldest has ADHD and he's always losing stuff, so mainly his drink bottle, his jumpers, et cetera. He gets it all. And in a rare moment of negligence from the dad. Well said. Thank you. He has forgotten to from the dad. Well said. Thank you. He has forgotten to pack the son's lunchbox.

Another one. Happens to the best of us. So he sent the kid out to school, realized that he's forgotten the lunchbox. However, given his track record, which he did not want to be tarnished, he's called the school, and let's just say the kid's called Timmy. Why did you call him Timmy? Seriously.

Let's call him Sam. Nice. He's called up the school and said, hey, Sam, you know, he's not very reliable. He's forgotten his lunchbox. And I just want to say that, like, I apologize. So he's flat out just blamed his kid. He's blamed his kid.

He's got the ADHD. And unfortunately, yeah, it happens. Oh, my God. So he said, I'm just going to order from the tuck shop. So please let Sam know. At least he didn't let him go hungry. Yeah, exactly. And Sam didn't even question it, apparently.

When they were like, oh, Sam, because you forgot your lunchbox. You got tuck shop. And he's like, oh, okay. So, okay. So, okay. So, let me, the chain of events here. He's been left to make the lunch. Didn't make the lunch or did make lunch, we don't know. Didn't send the kid with lunch.

Then rings up the school to blame his kid for forgetting the lunch. Yeah. That's great. Oh, God. That's great Oh god Well Abby Mr Dependable Has gotten you 200 bucks worth of

Budgie smuggler gear Still dependable But also He blames his kids For most of the things That fuck up Congratulations What was the other thing

We have to offer Ash Yes so This is red hot Hot off the press Hot off the press Being Christmas Being summer Okay

Why not Go out Get yourself a fresh pair of budgies maybe some matching budgies with the whole family because they come in women's men's kids even dogs now have leads why not or if you want to treat your dad there's some tinny holders can i just say marley and lola love love their their little, they've got watermelon ones. Oh, yeah. And the pineapple ones. They've got like three now. They've got heaps, heaps, heaps, heaps.

Matching. Get it done with our 20% off discount site-wide. Should I do it in the like, we've gone crazy here at Two Doting Dads. We're going to get over it. Dog leashes Kids swimwear Even Mum and dad's Budgie smugglers They were all gonna race

Out the door 20% off Sale sale sale Everything must go Budgie smugglers Closing down So the code will be They're not closing down

No they're not Sorry Sorry guys It's like all the employees Of Budgie Smugglers Going Oh my god Is this how you tell them

What's happened? But two doting dads are just fired every moment. So, anyway. What's the code? Go out, treat yourself. It is, the code is actually valid until Christmas Eve. So, if you want that last minute present, it is two doting dads is the code. We'll leave it in the show notes.

And do you know what the most exciting thing is, Ash? Yeah, what? That 29- $29 calendar. Oh. Hang on. So we're going to lose more money, is that what you're saying? Great. Oh, fuck.

I'm just so stupid. Do you want to know what the difference is? Is that what you want to know? Take $6 off a champ. All right, Mr. Smarty Pants. It's not exactly smart. Not bad, but someone who dropped out of school. At 15. $6 off a chip. All right, Mr. Smarty Pants. It's not exactly smart. Not bad for someone who dropped out of school. At $15.

$6 off. So, $23 for the calendar. That's beautiful. So, plus maybe add $50 for postage. Try and make some money back. But anyway, that's it for that segment for this year. We'll leave you with that discount code. Share it to whoever you like.

Enjoy. If you want to buy me some go for it but let's move on now two questions a couple of questions before we wrap up this episode this isn't our final episode for the year but it's a final segment of ordinary parent might do something special next week we'll come up with something you know what we should do okay for next week's episode do it naked i it naked. I want to know best meltdowns. Oh, yeah. Send us your best meltdowns.

So, for example, from today's episode, Marley not being able to play the pokies at the RSL. That is the level of danger. That's such a random one, too. I mean, I get it. The lights. Next, she'll be like, I wanted to bet on that horse. Miss that. Miss the jump.

It's just over there on the dish lickers what's the dish licker dogs you'll get there okay listen to questions ash i've got one here this one is from shannon she won shout out to shannon shout out to shannon she wants to know ash is it difficult managing sending your boy, Oscar, to two different daycares, for example, like friends and carers, et cetera? Do you have any tips? Have tips.

Like why do you send your boy to two different daycares? I have no idea. Actually, we should probably call my wife. Should we call my wife? Okay, let's call her. But if we ask her to be on the pod, she'll say no. So let's pretend that we're just chatting. She knows that we're recording today, but we'll just give her a call. And we'll just put her on a – yeah, hold her up to the microphone. Okay, okay, okay so let's pretend that we're just chatting yeah so she knows that we're recording today but we'll just give her a call and we'll just put her on a split yeah hold her up to the

microphone okay okay okay let's do that hi hey how you going good how are you good good hey sorry to bully a quick question matt matt's actually asked me a really important question and I don't know the answer. Classic, standard. Why do we send Oscar to two different daycares? Because they're two different, like one's a preschool and one's a daycare. Okay. Is there any other benefit?

And I think preschool, it's pretty much like setting him up for school. Okay. It's not cheaper or something? Oh, yeah. It's also free. Why? Why is it free? I don't know.

They have some, ever since COVID, they announced like some funding thing and you get two free days of preschool. So, April, can you not keep them at that one for the whole time? No, they're not. You can only do two days a week. Is that right? We could. Oh, the one, his favourite one.

Yeah, his favourite one. I hope they don't hear this, but yeah. No, so that's the thing. He can, like they have a two-day program for three- to four-year-olds and then the three-day program for the four- to five-year-olds. Yeah, so I didn't know any of this. And that's why he can only go back for three days.

Yeah, basically, like, just setting him up for school. I thought they just said that I don't want to deal with him more than two days. Quick question before she goes. Before she is it a nightmare having two daycares like adjusting to two different spots not at all well you're not the one going to two different daycares he's sometimes sometimes he likes one more than the other. He prefers one over the other, so getting him to go to the second one is a bit of a pain, but it is what it is. Do you reckon he says that?

Ah, it is what it is. Yeah. All right, thank you. Thanks, April. That's all right. Bye. That's all right. Bye.

Well, there you go. There you have it. There's the answer. Now, tips and tricks. We forgot to ask her that. Oh, fuck. Call her back. No.

Is it hard for you doing drop-off? It is for like the back end of the week because he loves the first and front of the week because they're all older kids. And it's more of a like a, I don't know, it feels like a little community of that age kid. Okay. Then the other one, there's younger kids, you know, cruising the schoolyards. So he does the front end of the week at the daycare that he likes. The preschool. Right.

And then he does daycare, yeah. How do you manage the friends scenario? I guess he's not really doing like play dates, is he? Well, we haven't had a birthday yet. Yeah. Look, in the first one, he's got his clicky friends that we hang out with all the time anyway. The other one has got one or two friends that he's, like, excited to see when he gets there.

If they're not there, it's difficult. And sometimes there's a little bit of cross-pollination that one of the kids that he goes to in the other one also goes to this one. Cross-pollination. Yes, it was a cross-pollination. And the bees came flying into the pollination. Sorry.

But yeah, I would say... Who have you been hanging out with? Knowing those kind of words. I watched the Bee Movie yesterday. Actually, great movie. Also, Jerry Seinfeld's coming out. I watched Bee Movie as well. Did you? Graphics are a bit shit.

Also, it's weird that he's got the hots for a woman. Sorry, we're going on a massive tangent. Let's this back on track i'm sorry wow it's weird that they can talk ash yes do we have time for a quick question any tips i've got bribe bribe bribe and the bribe doesn't work threaten them okay next question something a little bit different for this one usually i'll ask you a question but I've got two really rapid fire questions from two randoms that have come through on the DMs. Hit me. First one.

It's obviously about parenting. It's not just about life. Well, it could be about life. Either either. You decide. Yes. First question is, is it expensive? Ah, yes.

Like horrendous. Okay. Enough said. Does it get any better? No. Okay. That's all we've got time for thank you for the honesty matt um if you've liked this episode please feel free review send it to a

friend like subscribe follow us on instagram keep an eye out for this calendar and matt's pubes yes uh keep an eye out for the month of June. June specifically. I now look at that photo and realize that, why didn't the photographer, Mel, why didn't she say, hey, you got- Savatage. Yeah. But if you do have any listener questions as well,

be mindful that Ash and I don't like to give any type of medical advice, so keep those ones to the professionals. We'll have a crack. But anything else, send them our way. Yes yes we have one more episode this year yes what a year what a what a year and some sad news matt this will be my last episode of two donning dads this year no way no damn it i fucked that up i was gonna try and get you real serious this year. No, I won't. No. Damn it! I fucked that up. I was going to try and get you real serious

and then be like... Do you want another crack at that? Nah, I don't know. Okay, I was just thinking on the spot. But anyway, yes. The last episode next week we'll be recording.

Get your questions in if you've got some good ones. Look, I'll take the medical ones for Christmas. If your kid's stuck a... stuck a... I want him to have a bum, I want to know about

We'll see you guys next week Thanks guys, bye Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.