Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Public sharts and parenting lies !

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

After a tough morning with the girls, Matt is guilted by a clip he saw on social media. Can we normalise parents not enjoying every second!? Ash realises the apple doesn't fall far from the tree after Oscar had a little accident with a fart that was carrying cargo - he's also a man who has publicly experienced sharting. Whilst we're on the topic, Matt relives the moment he pissed for so long, he passed out and headbutted the corner of a bath. Both gents then go through some of the common parenting-lies we tell our kids. We also have a crack at answering your parenting questions: To dummy or not to dummy? What's your favourite show for your kids to watch? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

So there's something that really annoys me. It's really gotten under my skin. So at the moment, Macy regressing. What's regressing? Where they wake up early for no fucking reason. She usually sleeps like 6 o'clock, but she's been waking up at like 4.30. It's fucking drag. Well, you go to bed at like 4.30 in the afternoon,

so that's fucking fine. It's plenty. April laughed so hard at that bit of the podcast. She's like, fuck that. That's so arse. Yeah, so she's waking up really early and it's really pissed but the thing that you know what that's fine that's not the thing that annoys me the thing that annoys me the most is when she wakes up that early and then at 8 30 in the morning she starts fucking yawning

the audacity on this child to do that it's kind of like a slap in the face mid-morning because she wakes the whole house up, so everyone's tired, but then she's just like, oh, I'm fucking tired. No shit. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pooped. It's been a big day. welcome back to two doting dads i'm maddie jay and i'm ash this is a conversation that is all about parenting the good the bad and the nightmarish and the relatable of course and if there's anyone who may be listening for the very first

time we do have to give you just a quick little message a warning to say this is not in any way a podcast where advice should be taken on board not like literally take it yeah take it do what you will with it but it's not real we take no responsibility for what we have a solicitor just in case before you start listening please sign this wave up yeah yeah yeah because at the bottom of the notes of the episode yeah ash yes it is the afternoon it is the perfect time for an arbo ale oh we're doing it here we we go. Oh, yeah. Cheers, my friend. Thank you.

It's been a big week. Mate, some would say it's a groundbreaking week. Because as of right now, I am what you call unemployed. I wasn't sure if we were going to... Are we... Fuck them. No, we won't. Look, that's all I'll say on the matter.

How quickly you're like, I'll say anything. I know. They're like, you need to sign this NDA. I'm like, you know what? Okay. And then I just first thing that comes out of my mouth is just, no, I'm allowed to say I'm unemployed, which I am now as of today, which is great.

So the Arvo ales in the Arvo from Better Beer, and it's my favourite one of the range. The day just keeps getting better. If ever there was an occasion to crack a tinny and your favourite nonetheless, it would be right now, Ash. Is this day one of being unemployed? Yeah, I've been hankering all morning for a beer. Like, what's now?

I've got a bus, two hours it took me to get here. Worth it. Yeah. No driving home now. You deserve this. Yeah. And for the first time, Ash has come to my place, not driving his car, but he's jumped on the public transport,

which is no easy feat. It does take a while. How long did it take you door to door? Two hours. I'm dedicated to the cause today, the better beer cause. And we're on the rotation of going through each different product. We've come back to what we started on, the Arvo Ale, which is just fucking delicious.

It is good. It's definitely my favorite. I did like the ginger beer, surprisingly enough. But this, I think that's the best one I've got so far for me. But I'm an ale guy. Like people don't like ale, so I get it. But just a hint of ale in this arbo ale i really don't want to put any more pressure on better beer but like the whole

livelihood of ash and his family is now resting on your shoulders yeah so like and also to the listener if anyone's going do you know what i've had what is it like eight or nine eps and i think i've had enough of two doting dads. If you leave us right now. I will strip my clothes off to keep you. If that's what's needed, I will do it. Because, well, actually, no. Hang on a second. You're not unemployed because, let's be fucking honest, mate,

you're an influencer. I'm not. You just come off. Don't even try and hide it. I am what you call a content creator slash podcaster now, but I don't bear the flag of your king dad influencer. I'm just king dad content creator at the moment. You're one of us.

Welcome. One of us. One of us. You've done your first trip. You went to Japan, Tokyo. I did, actually. I forgot. First of all, what we were getting at is thank you, Better Beer,

for allowing us to create this episode. But, yeah, I did just get back from Tokyo with Lululemon. Amazing experience. A big shout. Oh, you sound like such an influencer. A dad influencer. I'm so blessed. I'm so hashtag blessed.

Hashtag gifted. No, look. It was a sick trip. It was a really good trip. It was a couple of days in Tokyo. They took us over there to have an immersive running experience, which was amazing. A big shout out to those guys.

They put on an amazing four days. Long way to go. Also, I mean, it must have been really tough for yourself going all that way being away from the family for honestly that was the hardest part that was the hardest part pretending to miss them was really hard no look yeah look it wasn't a family trip i wouldn't take the family there mainly because i don't want to be stuck on a plane with them for 10 hours. But, yeah, look, it's a crazy city and Oscar, I would have lost him.

Let's be honest. You lose Macy in the apartment. I've lost Macy just in the apartment, let alone like- Shibuya Crossing. Shibuya, yeah. Am I saying it right? It's the Shibuya Scramble, actually. I apologize.

Forgive me. I'm a local now. What was your favorite part? Probably, I got to skate across the Shibuya Scramble, which I was severely hung over doing so and just finished a massive Japanese meal. So, it was just not- Was that planned or did you-

No, I just stole a skatey off one of the locals. I mean, they're such lovely people. What, did you honestly- Yeah, yeah. I was just like, can I borrow that? And he was like, yeah, sweet. What? Straight across.

And we had like a photographer like a video creator there so shout out to sam as well but like that was that wasn't that was just off the cuff off the cuff yeah and it made the final cut for their video i can't get over the fact that this guy's just let someone looking like yourself he's like stinking of gyoza and yeah no it was good also the running experience was really good. Like, it was really start stock because we went through old Tokyo. So, I saw more than I would have seen in a week there going on my own to adventure. Like, it was, like, we did, it worked out to be like 9Ks through old Tokyo.

We got on a train during the run. And some of the other crew did new Tokyo, which was, looked amazing as well. So, yeah, it was crazy for a first you know influencer trip how was it coming back to the hotel because you know you know when you're away and you're like i do actually i'm sure there are moments you did miss the kids and you're like i'll do a facetime and they don't really give a shit sometimes yeah i facetime iTimed and they were at Kmart in the toy section. So, I was not- Oh, terrible time.

I was not important whatsoever. Oscar was like, oh, I know you. Like, fine, I haven't seen you in two days. Whatever, I'm looking for a monster truck now. Beat it. That's pretty much the attitude I got. The first morning I woke up reasonably early, like similar time difference, like an hour difference.

I woke up reasonably early to call April, difference, like an hour difference. I woke up reasonably early to call April, so it didn't seem like I was sleeping in because I didn't want to rub it anymore. I'm like, oh, I'm just waking up at 10 o'clock. It was like 7 o'clock. I'm like, oh, I've just woken up. Like I got like a little half hour sleep in. It was believable. But yeah, I just went straight back to sleep.

How did you go like because if you've got activities at nighttime beyond your normal bedtime, which is quite early. 7.30. How did you go like because if you got activities at night time beyond your normal bedtime which is quite early 7 30 how did you go sweet fired up the body clock was just body clock was just non-existent it was so good i really i feel like i did as much as i could in that time and drank as much as i could in that time and ate as much as I did in that time and I was not prepared to run 9Ks. Do you think that you'll now do teeth whiting promotions today or will that come next week? I'm just waiting for Invisalign to jump on the bandwagon. Great, Dan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, yeah, yeah. Oh, look, I drink way far too much coffee for that. I'm walking around with four or five strips on my face. But, yeah, full hashtag gift, I guess. That's what you got to do now. So, if the ATO are listening. Gifted.

Hashtag gifted. Gifted. Still got that skateboard. No, I gave it back. It's a nice skateboard. Rolled really nice. Hey, while some of us have been enjoying gallivanting around the world, the rest of us have been fucking in the trenches.

In the absolute trenches. You know, it's nice to get away a bit of reset i did i honestly i did like i get home and i and i see them after four days and i was like i missed them 100 doesn't last long though does it about 30 minutes i was getting to that point 30 minutes and you're like oh i miss tokyo it's like emailing me and we're going am i invited next year hope so well i've um you know i've been putting in the hours as i normally do yeah you're a hard worker i would like a little break to have a reset it's not going to happen for a little while we do have a trip coming up but i've come off the back end dancing with the

stars is now finished they've finished filming it'll be on air in like a couple of weeks. Is it a couple? Why did I think it was already on? I think it starts on like the 18th of June. So pretty soon. Okay, I'm just going to pencil it in so I know not to watch it. I bet you can't fucking wait to watch Laura dance. I'm not going to watch it.

The most amazing foxtrots you've ever seen, Ash. Actually, I might be. Nah, we'll see. Don't even pretend that you're not gonna watch it playing hard to fucking get i haven't counted i got a calendar on the fridge i'm like but i've done every morning with the girls doing the daycare runs for the last couple of weeks and it's got to the point where my patience is pretty thin and there was one little thing that really just set me off and it was nothing like in the scheme of things it was if it was in a normal routine where me and laura are sharing the responsibility it would have been

fine but and it sounds so heady it really does yeah i do complain about having kids and then having to parent yeah the kids that you had well someone did message me on social media and they're like dude like why'd you have him if you're going to complain about it i know it's like i'm pretty sure having kids like part of complaining is part of being a parent yeah if you don't complain what's the point what are you going to talk what are you going to talk about with your friends like nothing the good things yeah it is but i was making breakfast we're running really really late as well i had to go to work and you don't have a job but yep oh okay don't get me started but i thought you know marley always has toast in the morning like

every single morning i always i always just butter just butter that's right you told me that she just wants the butter part of that and i always ask her i said what do you want she goes i want toast i just want butter and i got cool so this morning i was like i'm not even gonna ask her i was gonna put the toast down and i start putting butter on it. She comes out and she looks at me and she's like, what the fuck are you doing? I go, I'm making you. The fuck are you doing?

As if I'm like smearing shit on the bread. I'm making you butter on toast. And she's like, I don't want that. I just want peanut butter. And I said, well, I can put peanut butter on top of the butter. That's how it should be done anyway. Which is delicious, which is great. Let's start an argument.

She goes, no, I don't want any butter. I just want the peanut butter. And I'm trying to explain to her like, hey, I hear you. You want the peanut butter. You're not even going to taste the butter. It's just going to make it a little bit more delicious. It's going to make it like peanut buttery. She's like, I don't want it. And I'm like, you just going to make it a little bit more delicious it's going to make it like peanut buttery she's like i don't want it and i'm like you're gonna eat it i don't know i'm like

i don't want to waste it literally i'm like you're gonna have this and then i raise my voice she starts crying i'm like fucking hell so then end up putting more toast down we get out the door and it's not until you get back from daycare and the house is quiet that you then feel a little bit guilty and you're like i probably shouldn't have gotten angry in that situation but i'm just gonna have a wank to you shit there he is yeah sorry dad of the yearhton Wicks. Don't say my full name. I forgot what I was talking about. Oh, yes, I got home. Jumped on social media and a friend had sent me this video.

And he was another dad. And he was like, oh, I think this video is like quite a beautiful thing. And I find it really helps me. I watched it. This is a video, Ash. I'm going to give you a little listen right now. Anytime you you getting frustrated with them just close your eyes and imagine you are 80 years old and you have a time machine that is bringing you right back to this moment this is the only moment you will get with them again

when they're young it's awesome i mean it's incredible advice that's very good advice very good advice and it totally changes everything and you're like, oh yeah, I'll take this all day long. First of all, if my kid's having a meltdown, the only reason I'm closing my eyes is to escape the reality of the situation. I'm not thinking about me being 80. First of all, I don't want to live to 80. No offense to the 80-year-olds living out there. That is old. I don't want to get there for starters.

But that's garbage. I think it's such a shit video. Who has patience to be like hang on a minute okay well you're having a meltdown and just doing something completely unreasonable because you don't have any control over your emotions yet because you're so young let me just close my eyes for a second just fucking run off let me just visualize what it would be like to be 80 so that's the first step then the second step i'm going to visualize that this is the last day that i'm ever going to see you that sounds amazing and third of all it's like i'm meant to get completely changed my feelings about the situation because of that just doesn't make any fucking sense to me look if you're that

holistic person good for you great maybe i would do it at home if it was like something happened and we got home and then i had some quiet time and you can reflect on it then i understand it but in the moment in the moment who fucking has time for that i'm fighting you and you're fighting me yeah that's my thoughts on that i hate the fact that it just plays into that parent guilt of like, this is the last time you're ever going to see your child. And if you don't make it- Does that guy even have any kids? Well, and if he does, I bet you he's there for like two hours on the weekend

and he's playing golf the rest of the weekend. He's with Joe Rogan. Yeah. Anyone that's hanging out with Joe Rogan. Ain't looking after their kids. Absolutely. First of all, I need to know if he's got kids. So, let's look that up.

But that's the sort of advice you'd get from someone who doesn't have kids. If someone who doesn't have kids tried to give me any advice, I'm like, let me stop you right there. Can I talk to your parents? Yeah. You've got no fucking idea. People are like, I'm going to be such a patient dad. No, you're not. Yeah. You are not yeah you are not

does not work like that no the ones that show real patience end up being axe murderers down the line because they can't get the emotion out totally totally i think who has got the time you're gonna spend your entire freaking day visualizing yourself being 80 because it's just relentless looking after toddlers. It's just like getting ready in the morning, like getting the shoes on, having breakfast, getting out the door, getting in the pram. Everything is a massive task. Every step of the way is going to be a meltdown.

And you know what's happening? The toddlers are probably going, you know, his dad again closing his eyes. Yeah. Freak. I'm right here. And they don't give a shit what you're doing. That's what I mean.

If I close my eyes, Oscar would be like, I'm fucking out of here, man. I'm going to go see someone who's not going to close their eyes when I carry on like this. It's also the conversation about gentle parenting when people are like, you can't raise your voice to the kid. And look, don't get me wrong, within reason, you shouldn't be yelling at your kid every minute of the day.

What? Sometimes. Let the record show that that's not how I carry it. But unless I raise my voice. Nothing gets done. Nothing gets done. I could be like, Marley, please put your socks on. And unless I'm like, put your socks on right now. I know. She's just going to be like marley please put your socks on and unless i'm like put

your socks on right now she's just gonna be like give me the bird and push you and push you and push you it's like have you seen that guy's content where he's like in the car and like someone's pretending to be his daughter and they're like left their bag they're like oh okay so you accidentally left your bag that's okay that's okay and then it's got like a normal parent it's like what that cost me fucking so much money like nothing gets done nothing happens unless you're like you know how you meet those people who don't need to yell to hit their voice to be heard they just have a real strong i don't have that i'm very much like if i was to get like that it's yelling like sometimes i'm not even yelling and april's like do you have to yell i'm like much like if i was to get like that it's yelling like sometimes i'm not even yelling and april's like do you have to yell i'm like just i just want to be heard in my own house

and these fucking kids put your shoes on i'm glad you hate that video because i read the comments and everyone's like that's such amazing advice we should all live like that and parent like that i'm like fuck off it's like people who say we should live every day like it's your last we should all live like that and parent like that i'm like fuck off it's like people who say we should live every day like it's your last we should all live naked on a farm somewhere it's not the fucking reality of parenting okay i'm glad we're on the same page yeah absolutely like that's fucking dribble i know we said we're not gonna talk too much shit and poo on this podcast, but it seems to come up every episode. So I'm just going to run with it.

It's all we're good for. One lady did say, like, you guys really do talk about your kids' poo a lot. It's a little bit too much information. She's probably staring at it. Yeah. If she's got young enough kids, she's probably, like, if I see a shit, at least I know what to do with it and throw it out. If it's mum, she's like, kids, look, what colour is it?

Telling us to not talk about kids' poo is like telling a footy podcast not to talk about rugby league. Yeah, it's like don't talk about rugby league on this rugby league podcast. That's what we talk about. That's it. We just talk about kids and their shit. What happened? So Oscar's like toilet trained now, which is great, of course,

except for I've got to wipe it from a different angle than I would with a nappy. It's a little bit – I actually hit my head on the – this is completely unrelated to the story. I went to bend over to help him wipe it, hit my head on the counter. So I have an ass wiping injury, concussion. 11 days I had to be out. Whereabouts?

Right on the top. Didn't wear a hat or anything. This is completely unrelated. I probably won't. Concussion. 11 days I had to be out. Whereabouts? Right on the top. Didn't wear a hat or anything. This is completely unrelated. I probably won't make the cut. Give me your hand for a sec. What's that? Oh, yuck. So once I was doing a piss.

Did you just get a haircut? Yeah, sorry. Oh, my God. Oh, sorry. Once I was doing a piss and it was such a big piss after a big night out. I love that piece there's something that's better than sex that piss and i was standing there and i was just like oh just the flow of it oh it's coming out it was like it was like a dam that it just like

opened up and it was just like i'm feeling i don't know like the exact rate of piss but it was just like the psi the psi on those things yeah and then it just wouldn't stop it wouldn't stop i'd keep going and going and going and i was like fucking hell i've been here for a while now so i was like i'll just give it a little little push to help it come out to finish it off and i started pushing and then next thing you passed out. I fucking... And I woke up on the bathroom floor covered in piss and blood everywhere because I hit my head on the corner of the bath. That is a great story. Can't believe you never told me that before.

When was that? That was when I was like 24. That's great. I just like moved to Bondi and I was like- I love that. Having nights out. Back in your party boy era. Four stitches.

Four stitches. Yeah. That's wild. Yeah. I was so confused when I woke up. I bet. Were you covered in piss still? I was covered in piss.

Covered in piss. Thing was still flowing when I woke up. I came to. It was still pumping out. You could have died. Imagine that as your death story. That would be so funny. He went how he would have liked to have gone.

Yeah, really pushing out the PSI on his penis. Sorry, I'd interrupted. Anyway, so Oscar is toilet trained now, which is great, except for sometimes you've got to sit in there with him. You've got to witness the crime. Witness the crime happening instead of just coming in in the aftermath and cleaning up. It's such a unique environment being in the same room as someone else as they're like staring you in the eyes as they're pushing out a massive shit. It's a real bonding experience.

And then you hear it splash and it splashes up on their bum. Marley makes me hold it. Sorry, Lola makes me hold her hands. She's like, hold my hands. Hold my hands. And I'm like, it's like she's in mid-exorcism. The demons are leaving her body. She's pinching off her fucking log, laying some cable.

So, yeah, but obviously he stands up to wee because he's a boy. Yes. Which no one does that in your house. Does he have a- He's got a little stool. Great. But he doesn't really necessarily need- He can reach, but he's got a stool.

So, the other day, he's come home from kindy, and he's got- He's always got to announce. He's got to wee. Anyway, I turn the light on for him, walk away. He does this thing and I hear this fart, right? It's like so long. And I was like, first of all, proud of that one.

Like he just went quiet and I walked in and he hasn't really noticed. He's still weeing that he's diarrhea down his legs full like he just fully down his legs and he saw his pants on around his ankles and it's built up a puddle in his back he needs the bottom of his dacks yeah and when he's come to realize full meltdown oh yeah he's very bad as like you got a cleaner we had to throw the clothes out. That was just so bad that we had to throw the clothes out completely.

But it got me thinking a little bit like father like son. A couple of years ago. So a couple of years ago, I went to Magic Ground NRL. Shout out to Casey, who I went with. And it was the Friday night, the first night. This is in, for anyone who's not- In Brisbane. It's in Brisbane.

And it's like- There's all the games of NRL played in one stadium. One of the biggest weekends of rugby league of the entire season. Yeah, yeah. Biggest weekend for a rest. And you could say that there's a couple of drinks get drunk. A couple of leisurely drinks get drunk anyway it's the first night yeah we're at suncorp stadium watching one of the games

and i thought i could sneak out a little fart turns out it wasn't a fart and i leant over to my mate i said i've just i've just shit myself and he was like like, oh, fuck. I'm at Suncorp Stadium. And I was like, shit. We're staying at a hostel across the road. Still quite a walk. In that moment, were you thinking this is just like a slight slip, a little splash or you're like- Oh, no.

I think this is rock bottom. The fact that I recalled this story as soon as I saw a pool of shit in the bottom of a pan. Just like PTSD. Like, ah. I know, ptsd like he's sort of walking behind me we're just making tracks up to this hostel and he was like is it bad is it bad and like i was like crack the door for him to have a look and i've completely mud slid in these underpants and it was like a pool at the bottom and it's just trapped itself. So what's happened is the splatter has actually stuck to my butt cheeks

to form the perfect carrying poo apparatus and I've just had to ditch it all, toss it in the bin somewhere on the way out, just get on with my life. How old were you at this point? Oh, this is like three years ago. Yeah. So when I saw Oscar standing there and I thought, this is like three years ago so uh when i saw oscar standing there and i thought

this is it yeah this is what they mean when they say like father like son were you proud oh yeah yeah i was like one day son me and you were both gonna shit yeah we're going to magic round. Ash, have you... I mean, I think I know the answer to this question. It's not so much have you, it's more a case of... Yes? Lying to your children.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Have you told many lies to your kids at all? Either to maybe get them to behave or to avoid a meltdown? So at the moment, so my son turns four this week. So for four years, he has yet to have a birthday party because every birthday party we go to, someone else says, I just tell him that that's also his birthday party.

What do you mean? What on his first birthday? I've saved so much money. No, we just like do small family things but like not. The big hoo-ha. I go to the big hoo-ha's and I just say to Oscar and he's like, when's my party? I'm like, this is it. he's had about four or five birthday parties this year so he's very lucky he's a very lucky boy and it was funny because i put like a little thing on my instagram

this week saying hey what should i get this for you off his birthday one of our friends wrote on their birthday party at what point do you think you'll actually give him a birthday party? Well, originally we thought we won't give him one until he asks for one, but he asked for one really early, so we threw that out the window. And now we're just winging it until he realizes. Yeah, up until four. It is quite ridiculous. Like we gave Marley a very extravagant birthday party at home.

It was, I think it was. At home is all right. At home, but we still like, you know, we had. Still do the bit, yeah. We had like. Did you have entertainment? Like a child entertainer? No. Not a stripper.

We did. Well, I think Marley's about to turn four and she's really chomping on this idea of having a fairy like she wants a fairy birthday party and that's pretty common for a girl we're normal we never had an entertainer but i think we can't we went all out for the first birthday party second third yeah just like it was down the pub almost more a place where the kids can run around and the parents can have a drink but now we've got the fourth birthday a week after ours yeah yeah you may get an invite you'll have to it's too far for us yeah yeah all right well the thing we're going to on saturday the bluey thing i told oscar that's his like that's for your birthday that's his birthday for anyone who's unfamiliar ash and i both because ash is an

influencer hashtag gift you'll say that we've got an invite to a Bluey premiere. And Bluey's going to be there. Yeah. And so, Ash is like. Birthday party's sorted. That is it. But yeah, we might get the fairy entertainer. Speaking of entertainers for parties, children's parties specifically, we were at the park. This was a little while ago.

I'm talking like two or three months ago. And it's one of those parks where they have, you know, multiple parties at once. Yeah. Great. Okay. Great. Okay. Because then like kids join in the big park and whatever. But we weren't there for a party. We were just there at the park with some friends and whatever.

And all of a sudden this guy comes running out of the bush full like head to toe black with his eyes out like this. He was meant to be a ninja. So someone was having a ninja party. Did you think to yourself, fuck, I've got to rescue the kids here? My first instinct is there's some content in this. Don't worry about the kids. Somebody think of the children.

Anyway, he comes over and then I didn't really realize in one hand he had a boom box. He starts like full ninja dancing. And I'm like, what the fuck? And like April's like, Colin, we have like full dancing dancing and i'm like what the fuck and like i was april's like come on we have to go home now i'm like no no no no no i want to watch i want to watch what happens anyway he's like playing these games like full hostage games it was wild he was tying them to the trees tying them to each other and i filmed a bunch of it but i'm not allowed to produce it because the kids are yeah of course how do i just be a bunch of blurry things walking around with this guy covered in head to toe it was honestly like like i said like if you were looking from a distance you'd be like and

he's making good money he's he's what are you like you're paying at least like 200 bucks right for an entertainer for a couple hours oh yeah it must be yeah. But like it was never seen anything like it. And Oscar saw this guy run past and was traumatized. Petrified. Yeah. But then when we saw him tied to the tree, I thought this guy's onto something. I'd love it if it was actually someone who's abducting kids and you're just like, oh, it's an entertainer.

Yeah. And he's like strangling kids and tying them up. He's like. But like he was doing all the ninja moves, but just out of nowhere it comes out of the bush. It's unbelievable. Anyway, so I just told Oscar that was his birthday party. But, yeah, look, I do lie to them.

That's one of the lies. Yeah, I think everyone lies. I think they're just like white harmless lies. Yeah. This one's a bit more depriving and fun and probably meaningful. As long as, like once he gets to like the age of, once he's at school, I think you need to start having a birthday. I mean, not to tell you how to parent Ash.

Don't you fucking dare tell me how to parent Ash. But if he's like, you know, you want a real, grade one he'll have a birthday party, right? Yeah, but it'd be like a piss up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, great.

A couple of little white lies, but I told a bigger lie to Marley the other day because she does this thing where, I don't know if your kids ever did this, but to comfort herself, she'll suck her thumb, put a finger in her nose, and then like rubs her nose like this and puts finger in the nose and rubs. Like sucks her thumb, yeah. At the same time. Yeah. I tried to Google to see why she does it but did you get some weird thing that's so weird yeah it's her comfort thing and if she's

if she's going to sleep it's funny because my comfort thing is this yeah but she loves it and no matter what we're like, hey, don't pick your nose because if we're out and about and she's getting tired. You'll embarrass us. But she can't stop. And then we try to tell her, hey, it's not good. You've got bad germs on your fingers and stop doing that. Which that's true.

Wouldn't listen. Wouldn't listen. She's like, shut the fuck up. This is the good stuff. And then I thought, you know what? What's going to stop her from doing this is just telling her a little lie. So I said, if you keep picking your nose, you're going to make your nostrils bigger and your brain's going to fall out.

So you better stop. Complex. Yeah. I was like, and you know when you say something and you kind of like look at me go you know well it was more a case of like i could i could see it in her eyes that she kind of like was piecing it together and she was like holy fuck imagine if that happens yeah and she like rips her hand out she's like daddy i don't want my brains to fall out and i was like well you better stop and then she starts crying and i'm like oh this is getting a bit oh she like oh shit she got

the visuals and laura's like what's wrong and i'm like don't tell her don't tell her don't tell her don't tell her my nose my brain is gonna fall out and laura's like what have you done and i'm like but look she's not doing it anymore it's worked and she's just completely traumatized and i'm like it's a little lie all right yeah i think they're harmless like that honestly that was really creative of you and i like it thank you and i think marley needs to take a good hard look at herself and realize that she took that the wrong way not on me that's on her thank you yeah thank you very much and her sister should be backing you up but i did a little call out on my socials and asked the other good parents of this country,

what lies have you told your kids? And I got a lot of answers. You got a couple of beauties. I'm going to read a couple to you now. Look, I think like we all do it, okay? There's always that little lie you tell. Back to like what our parents would have told us, being like, don't sit too close to the TV, your eyes will go square.

Lie. And then they wonder why we grow up to be liars yeah because you've created you've created this person you told me that lying is okay so now i lie on my taxes i don't if the ato is listening again hashtag. I don't lie on my taxes. That's because I haven't done them. I actually put the call out there on my social media and I asked other parents, what lies have you told your children? I've picked my top three. Okay. Lay them on me.

So, lie number one. Tooth fairy doesn't work on the weekends because the mum didn't have any cash in the house. Who has cash? What are they doing? Like, unless the kid's got paywave. And so the daughter was like, hey, mum, I put my tooth under the pillow because she must have lost it before.

Yeah, she's like, sorry, sweetheart, put it through the pokies last night. No, that's not a bad one, I think. Like, that's a really innocent one. It's like, yeah, but to buy yourself time, I like it. I do like it. I wouldn't use it because I'm just going to tell my kids that I'm just not going to let them know that they get money. I'm just all about saving money.

Savvy. Okay. Yeah. I'm not judging. Cheapskate. I'm not judging you, you're an asshole. Lie number two. Every swear word you use kills an elf.

That the kid uses. Yeah, which is bad because there'd be so many dead elves in my house. If you've listened to previous episodes, I think we've worked out that I've got no filter around my children. Mass elf burial in your backyard. If no kids get toys this year, it's because of my kids actually repeating me. And Macy hasn't even started talking yet.

So, imagine what that's going to be like. Jesus. It's an aggressive lie. I think using death as part of the lie is aggressive. But look. If it works, fine. Death is part of life. They need to figure it out sooner or later.

I like it. Christmas is a great catalyst for getting your kids to behave. And off the back of that, if you have to say a few white lies christmas and birthdays so like at the moment it's oscar's birthday coming up but he's obsessed he wouldn't know he doesn't know when he was born so he's just obsessed with band-aids so this morning i was like do you know if you use too many band-aids i'm not going to be able to afford to buy you toys for your birthday. You'll have to just have Band-Aids for your birthday. Or we did that to get him out of nappies. Look, we can't afford to buy you toys anymore

because we've got to buy you nappies. So, for your birthday... Cost of living is rising. Yep. For your birthday, you'll get nappies. And he was out of them nappies. Quicksmart. I'm full of advice.

Here we go. Not just a pretty face. A wrinkly face this is my my third line that I got submitted hey we may do we may do

moving forward I got a lot of submissions we might do little segment top three little recurring segment but this is the third and final yep

this dad told his sons that if they don't get dressed the willy chickens will eat their private parts what the fuck is a willy chicken it's like a bin chicken, but instead of the garbage, they only like cock.

For the gay chickens. Yeah. Look, that is probably effective. It's quite traumatic. I think it's kind of, that's a bit silly. Like, I think it depends how old your kids are. I think if I said that to Oscar, he'd be like, what? Yeah, which one's the willy chicken?

And you're like, oh, it's that one over there, the cockatoo. He's like, oh, it makes a lot of sense. Makes total sense. That's very creative. Like I said, there are a lot of creative lies out there. That's a strange one, really. We went really dark there with the death and the chewing off of that's like human organ that's that's like 90 of all the lies that parents gave me were either about death or like dicks

all right matthew so listener questions we've got a long list of listener questions but we only have so much time. If only we had, you know, imagine we had five episodes a week of just. I think people would hate us. Someone said to me the other day when I spoke to them, they're like, I just listened to all the episodes. I'm like, well, you're probably sick of my fucking voice. Yeah. Like, a little bit.

Don't blame you. So, look, five is a bit excessive. But we do have a lot of listening questions. We're going to get two per episode. We're going to get two per episode, which I think at the moment is enough because there can be some heated discussions about it, hence the circumcision chat last week. Oh, yeah, it kicked off on TikTok.

Of course it did. Isn't it funny? People are just like so loyal. To their own, to their own. To their own to their own in their own or their preference i made a joke on i think it was instagram actually i said let's be honest those who are circumcised are superior and people were like how dare you put us in classes matthew we're all equal equality penal equality well said what equality. Well said. That's what I'm all about. Thank you. I'm going to need a T-shirt.

So, what have we got this week? This week, first question, if you is, dummy or not too dummy? Now, there's no real extension on that. So, let's just go that it's as a whole. Pun intended? I don't know. Sure, it works. Yeah.

Fire away. I'll take it. Fire away. What do you reckon? I am all about the dummy. Elaborate. So, the dummy for us still don't you fucking judge me don't you sit there on your high horse and say still yeah look okay it is we tried to get rid of the dummy for who are we talking about here laura okay give me some more information So the dummy was for Marley only up until a year ago.

I think like Marley was using the dummy for like every nap time, like to put him to sleep. But then two things. Why didn't you put your nibble in her mouth? I tried. She's like, I'm a bit hairy. Lord knows that I tried. So at the moment, so we've got the dummy off Marley,

but for Lola, every nap time, she still has that midday nap, still has the dummy then. She has the dummy when she goes to bed at nighttime. Even if we're on a long car ride, Lola needs a dummy. And it has gotten to the point where the lady at daycare, because a few times I've forgotten to put the dummy in the bag. And when I picked her up, she goes, oh, yeah, she had a really tough day because she didn't have the dummy and she couldn't go to sleep.

Probably should stop that dummy. And she's getting pretty old now. And I'm like, don't you fucking judge me. You should have pulled it out of Lola's mouth and shoved it in there. And like, suck on that. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Okay.

We all know how you feel about early education teachers. I love them. They listen to this. They listen to this. But just this but just like i need comments not needed i need we know we already know i know i need to get her off the dummy i will do it just not right now because every time we're like you know it takes four nights or five nights once you get parked first night second night awful after that you make a bit of progress but we're fucking so busy that we just

can't deal with like a screaming baby until 10 o'clock at night so like yeah sometimes you just need to sleep like i get you do what works right it's like things that like my kids sleep with right comforters right so comforting you're looking at me they're like i wasn't sure oscar still sleeps with like april's old breast. Yeah. Like the washable one. They've been washed a million times. They're not still used. She's not leaking. Not that I know of.

Not into lactating. But yeah, like I don't know. And like it's just a comfort thing, right? He's just always had them. But yeah, the dummy is annoying because it falls out, right? Yeah. Look, for a certain amount of time, dummy is king. It's great. People that say like, oh, no oh no i'm never gonna let my kid have a dummy someone in their mouth and see how much

better your fucking life is right but i do i hear you i can feel the other parents out there judging me it's on our to-do list we'll get lola off the life gets in the way it's not a big deal it's not like they're gonna be like at school, he's with a dummy in their mouth. Maybe a different type of dummy. My kids had dummies, both sleeping, non-sleeping, whatever. But I think at some point they just didn't want them anymore. And like we're really lucky.

Some kids get really attached to them. So it's like, yeah, you've got to do these things. Thankfully, we didn't have to do that. But I'm not opposed to dummy. Look, if I see a seven-year-old with a dummy, I'm kind of that's a bit old but at the same time they could be busy people and i'm not going to judge them i just did but i won't ah second question and we will make this quick because we are running out of time spoken too much favorite show for your kids to watch mine's more of a movie those who are listening may be familiar.

And Matt, I don't know if you are. What's the name of it again? Sea Beast. Sea Beast. So, it's on Netflix. Cartoon? It's animation. Yeah, it's animation.

So, it's kind of like a piratey sort of theme. But like, look, you have to go and watch it because my kids love it. It's one of those shows that you put on and they'll just go, you could pretty much drive a bus past them and they haven't noticed. It's great. I've never heard of it. It's really good. And like every time a friend comes over, here's one.

So the other day I was at a mate's house and my mate's parents live next door and they're, what, 50, whatever. We're watching Sea Beast and I haven't seen his parents because of COVID for like three or four years. Hang on a second. You're like, I'll answer this really quickly. I know, sorry. You're like.

Fucking terrible, Karen. I just wanted to explain how good it is. Please, please, please. And the attraction of this. I'm all for it. So his dad comes over. Fucking hell. His dad comes over. I'm just going to get through really quick great night his dad comes over and he was like hey man hey haven't seen you whatever finally gets to meet my kids haven't seen

him in so long and he's just distracted by the tv goes what's this i was like it's cps he's like what's that about and it just sits down this is like a 50 year old man this year or something he's like oh yeah and then after like 10 or 15 minutes, he's like, all right, I'll see you guys later. He went home and watched it in the comfort of his own home. Shit, okay. And I saw he came over later for a beer and he was like- Sea beast. He was like, I just went home to watch Sea Beast.

Wanted to watch it with my surround sound and the whole beer. And I was like, oh. But it's not the first time it's happened. Anyone that goes, what's this kid watching? Sea Beast, my friend. Okay, I've got to jump on it because I'm on the bloody blippy train. You know blippy shit on someone. Yeah, in the army.

Yeah, yeah, love it. It wasn't in the army, was it? Oh, was it? I thought it was when he was in the army. That was on his face, not his army. Yeah. Or Gabby's dollhouse. Fuck, and it's that weird guy talking.

He's like, yeah, where were you? My God, they build these like miniature, like imagine like a McDonald's, but they make it out of like cardboard. Like it's a little like. There's so much weird stuff out there, but they're making millions of dollars. We could go on about YouTube. So i need to get her off that otherwise give cvs to go i will it might not be fair macy loves it otherwise it's bluey yeah blue is a good one shout out to bluey uh-huh pepper pig my brother-in-law hates pepper pig pepper pig gets a lot of hate says he you know what he says?

He goes, Peppa Pig's a bitch. And I'm like- People don't like her. I'm like, that's a pig. They find her really rude. Yeah, okay. They find her really obnoxious, rude to the parents, and apparently teach bad habits to young kids.

A lot of hate on Peppa Pig. Yeah. I don't see it myself. I don't see it either. I think people are being a little bit harsh but good watch out yeah so you guys

just look out for any look out for any bitchiness from that tiny little cartoon pig yeah you stay safe out there and on that note

that is all the time we have today so again thank you to all the doting parents and non-parents. And even the non-parents. I mean,

we get heaps of people saying to me, I don't even have fucking kids. I'm like, okay. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Thank you, I guess.

But like, also like, what does that say about us? It does sound very arrogant, but I mean, we appeal to the masses. Well said. We are getting a lot of people right now.

Cause we always put the call out and say every now and then maybe like once a month i think is that kind of the bonus steps we'll do with the guest dad yes everybody everyone like the most number one suggested dad to get on the podcast donald trump no no hamish blake was going to say the dad from Hey Dad, but that might be a little bit. Yeah, on the nose. Yeah, look, Hamish Blake's come up a lot. So feel free to DM him.

We are working on it. We have a contact that we have harassed. He's got a couple of cleaners that we have harassed. Matt and I now own a cleaning company. And we're doing our best to infiltrate his house oh yeah we're getting there but we do have a bonus out maybe not next week the week after

he's a footy player we've got a couple of good ones coming up we'll tease it we won't say who it is we won't say who it is bit of mystery bit of mystery it's gotta be

yeah it's Jarrod Hayne straight from prison it's Jarrod Hayne oh no Al's Long Bay oh but if you have enjoyed

this episode or any episode we would absolutely love it more than anything else more than I love my children if you would give us a review

don't don't give us a private DM saying we like the podcast because that's pointless whack it up on all of the channels we've got to make it public

absolutely also give us a follow both on two dotting dads on Instagram and also saying we like the podcast because that's pointless. Yeah, whack it up on all of the channels. We've got to make it public. Absolutely. Also, give us a follow both on Two Jotting Dads on Instagram and also on Apple Podcasts. You've got to follow it so that episode gets right injected into your inbox every week on a Wednesday morning.

And Ash, on that note, here's to new beginnings. New beginnings. Thank you guys for listening. Appreciate it. Cheers. Bye. you guys for listening appreciate it cheers two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout australia and their connections to land sea and community we pay our respects to their elders

past and present and extend that respect to all aboriginal and torres strait islander peoples today this episode was recorded on gadigal land