Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Quake shake voms & park fights

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

Ash has just uncovered his wife's devious lunch prep behaviour - hiding mint slices in Oscar's daycare lunches. Matt experiences the full roller coaster of parenting as a joyous day at the park with the kids and his dog descends into chaos when a blue heeler goes rogue (no dogs were harmed in the making of this podcast). Now that Oscar has a raging sugar addiction, he takes down Ash's whole Quake Shake at the supermarket but overdoses and vomits the whole thing back up in aisle 4. We also have a crack at answering your parenting questions: How much leisure time should be allowed for a new dad? Have you had a parenting moment where you thought ‘I'm glad no one was around to see that?’ Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It's nice to have your voice back. I know you missed the husk, but I don't know if I could do another episode with an erection. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a conversation all about parenting, the good, the bad. And the relatable. And we have to also say at this point, if you're coming for any type of advice... Steer clear. Turn away.

My child. Right now. Ash, wait. I have a very important announcement to make. Right on me, big man. Well, let's just say that this podcast is about to get a whole lot better. No shit. If you know what I'm saying.

I know exactly what you're saying. Well, you know, the listeners don't know, but we have our very first broken our sponsor virginity here. So we can keep making podcasts, is what you're saying? Yeah, this means that this podcast, it's got legs. Better Beer has injected some life into two doting dads they are our very first sponsor that's amazing so essentially i have an excuse now to start drinking at 10 a.m and my wife can't say a single thing about it i'm sure april is absolutely

thrilled so thrilled she's like so who's the sponsor is it like a fruit and veg company is it something to do with babies What am I getting out of it? And you're like, it's beer. It's beers, baby. It's beers. But the story of Better Beer, it's pretty sick. If you're familiar, Ash, you may have heard of the two boys. I have, yeah.

Co-founded it, Inspired Unemployed. Yep. Does that ring a bell? Absolutely. They're good, mate. He's a publican, Nick Cogger. They wanted to create a delicious, healthier beer, which is how Better Beer Company started. Didn't they like sell out immediately on the first week?

It did stupidly well. I think it was about a year and a half ago they launched. Since then, they've sold 10 million liters of beer. Liters? And that's just to me. Not bad. A couple of ex-tradies. They now have five beers in the range and i'm personally frothing on

the new pacific ale arbo ale that's definitely my drop i mean should we absolutely it'd be rude not to 10 a.m let's go that's the stuff cheers cheers sorry sorry sorry i'm just trying to just straight in let's go. I haven't even had breakfast yet. Oh, that is tasty. That is good, actually. That is crisp. That is very good. Look, I'm a big fan of Pacific Ale, so I'm very happy they brought this out.

I have drank their other ones as well. Enjoy them also. But Sunday Arvo for me, Pacific Ale. The dream. One too many, of course. The absolute dream. Big shout out to better beer we love you boys thank you guys to me it feels like a lot longer than a week since we last recorded it feels like it's been an eternity it's been a long time i've spent a whole weekend what day is it

i miss you too it's been too long what's new what's new for you i mean for me not a whole lot i've noticed something devious my wife does with our children's lunchboxes. Devious in what way? Is she like hiding drugs in there? What is she? Let's say yes. Let's say yes. So, okay. Obviously, I have two kids. One, they go to different kindergartens just because one of them is free for this year for the first two days and it's also got older kids. So, Oscar goes to this other daycare which we need to provide the lunch with him. I know a few people who go to those daycares, we have to bring the lunch. That to me sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Well, it's not my nightmare, it's April's. And of course, we've got the bento box lunch boxes which is so in fashion at the moment. What's the bento? You know exactly what I'm talking about. So essentially it's a customized, it's got their name on the front of it. You open it up and it's got set like compartments, like a bento box. Yes, yes. You know the one I'm talking about.

We don't have that. We literally- You're living in the past, man. What we use as a lunchbox, and the kids love it, is just- A Ziploc bag. Like that or like a plastic takeaway container put in the tie container from takeaway in the dishwasher your poor children we walked to daycare this morning didn't have time to eat breakfast so i'm like we're taking a lunch box reaches and she

grabs a takeaway container that's our bento box oh my god where do you get the bento box from they're everywhere i don't know you've got to have the latest things, apparently, according to my wife. Got to keep up with the Joneses. Exactly right. And look, they're great. They're annoying to wash. Dish wash or hand? You can do either.

Okay. Anyway, so they're separate. They've got the compartment. So you've got dairy, protein, bloody, bloody, fucking blah, blah. Anyway, so I just put whatever in whatever compartment. It's not a big deal to me. But he was like, that's not protein. You can't put it in there.

What are you putting in there? You got like, I'm imagining this. Sandwich, yogurt, maybe like a yogurt pouch will fit in there. Yeah. Fruit. What kind of sandwich? Like a Vegemite? Vegemite.

You can't do peanut butter, obviously, because nuts. Some kids have nut allergies. It's mainly bacon and cheese rolls. Delicious. The kids love them. Heaven. They are good. They are good.

But anyway, I noticed the other day, so my mum was here and she brought over mint sliced biscuits. You know, the beautiful chocolate mint sliced biscuit. Disagree. It's fucking toothpaste and chocolate put together, but continue. Continue. I agree to disagree on that one. I'll let that one slide so we're not allowed to obviously send chocolate to kids

for cool so i why not is it because they'll flip out if one person has treats or yeah yeah yeah i think it's also like the nutritional value on a mint tim tan yeah and whatever sort of chocolate so i've noticed that my wife does something very devious. She hides the biscuit under the raspberries. Yeah. But that's not the worst part of it. First of all, you don't need to give them chocolate for lunch. You don't need to do that.

But then she's also telling Oscar. Like, where it is. Make sure you eat it before the teachers come around and i'm like are you fucking serious she's smuggling in chocolate she's smuggling chocolate into the kindergarten and then when we pick up oscar he's like they didn't see me eat it this is like they're in cahoots these two they're literally swindling the teachers and smuggling in contraband yeah to the kindergarten but surely they're gonna see him all the kids are eating yeah but there's so many more kids and

april has like literally given him a play-by-play book april used to work at this kindergarten too so she understands she knows where the blind spots are and she's really teaching him bad habits i thought i was the bad one with diet and i mean that's something i want to talk to you about today as well but i was shocked that's i can't believe april she's such a princess she's an angel i know i know she's such a goody-goody too never does anything wrong it makes me think though if i go to prison i'm in good hands yeah oh you're fine she's gonna be like i've just baked you a cake actually she can't cook i've just had someone bake you a cake and there's a pack of ciggies in there for you to buy shit with do you think at any point like daycare are going to find out?

Because how long has this been going on for now? I'm guessing since he's been there, so this year. But I think what happens is if they do find it. Solitary confinement. They've probably, the teachers are all at the back going, what did you get today? Yeah. Here's Oscar, get the mint slices.

I think they give it back to him at the end of the day. I think that's how it works. But don't you worry, though, that Oscar blesses cotton socks. He's been doing it for a while now. You know, at some point after a few months start to progress, you become a little bit complacent maybe. Do you think he gets greedy? Do you think maybe he gets greedy or they get greedy?

Well, now he's like, hey, don't just put in one, put in two. Chuck went under the sandbar as well. Yeah. I think maybe the criminal mind works like, okay, I stole 10 grand from the bank once. Next time I'm getting 20 grand. Yeah. I'm going for a little bit more and they get greedier and greedier

and greedier. Next minute, Oscar is dealing mint slices at kindergarten. That's the sort of tone you're setting for my child, okay, if you're listening. That's how I really feel. I didn't have the balls to say it to your face, but I'm going to say it to Matthew and the rest of the world, and if you hear it, that's how I really feel about it.

I go to your house next week and Oscar's there wearing a brand new Rolex. He's in Gucci. He's got one of those teardrop tattoos. I'm like, Jesus, what happened to you, Oscar? Just like hardened up, bitch. Get with the program. This didn't happen to me last week. This happened to me a little while ago.

And I thought I told you the story about how I got into a fight at the park. Yeah, you're known for that. Have I not told you the story? No. I swear I have. Is it with another parent or how did it work? Yeah, it was multiple parents. Hang on a minute.

Multiple parents. You're in your fight club down at the local park with other parent women or men? Both. Fuck off. It was all in. Were there punches thrown? No. Okay.

No, no. Luckily, we didn't get- It was a misunderstanding. It got to the point where in hindsight, I look back and I'm like, that really could have escalated and been quite a serious little situation. Luckily, it didn't go that far. But I'm quite cool, calm and collected. I'm not a violent person.

I can imagine. Look, I've been waiting for you to fire up. I can feel it. Sometimes I'm like, imagine if he just snapped and murdered everybody. I can feel it. It almost happened. So on Thursdays, the kids aren't in daycare. It's what we call a daddy day.

It's where me and the girls, Marley and Lola, we just hang out. Norma go down to the park down the road and bring Buster along. And it's very wholesome. Buster the three-legged dog. That's him. Mate, it's me, Buster. And hop along literally yeah and the girls love to bring the bike down bring the scooter and it's a beautiful afternoon and i kind

of enjoy it because the girls love it you know i feel like i'm being a good dad and nothing makes me happier than when i look at the smiles on my children and i'm like i'm doing a good job you're really building this up so we're at the park cut a few laps on the bike path and the scooter and then lola says to me i need to go do wee wee sure pick her up walk over to the toilets buster hops along as well and he's off lead the park is an off lead park but also he's got three legs so it's you know trying to juggle two kids and a dog with three legs it's hard work at also i'm dragging a freaking scooter yeah at the same time we make our way back to the park and i look over and there's another family and they have a blue healer which you know normally a very friendly dog i personally haven't had any issues yeah

they shed a lot of hair but that's nothing personal. I can't help that. But the attitude on them is usually pretty good. Pretty good, right? I look over and this lady is holding the blue heeler. He's on a lead. And Buster quietly and slowly hobbles over. If anyone doesn't know my dog, he's not fast. He's got two back legs.

He's got one front leg. The front leg's jacked though. It's shredded. That's his wanking arm. For sure. And Buster literally just hops over and like gives him a little sniff. Not angry at all. Buster is such a placid dog.

The blue heeler loses it. such a placid dog the blue healer loses it and all of a sudden he runs around the owner she was a little bit older and all of a sudden her legs are like closed shut because the lead is just wrapped around her so then she can't move whose lead the blue healers oh sorry so the older lady who's holding the blue healer the lead is wrapped around her legs so they're closed shut. And she topples over. She like hits the deck, you know, like. That would have been so funny. And my initial reaction was, oh, my goodness,

I hope this lady's okay. Because, you know, like it was like a scene from a cartoon or something where like legs closed shut. She didn't have time to put her arm out. So she just like. It wasn't a hard though. It wasn't like she was falling from a distance but it was her dog that did that right her dog her dog and buster even buster was like holy shit this is that's kind of crazy buster backed off and then as i was making my way over to be like are you okay she starts losing it at me just like the blue heel was losing it earlier yeah reflection and

she's like your dog fucking attacked me how dare you and i was like what are you excuse me and she's like it's your dog he shouldn't be on a lead as she's like laying there still like on the ground like mummified by this lead what about like the zero like dominance of that situation where she's yelling at you but she's flat on her back like you can just stand over and be like yeah yeah i was like what are you talking about i was like my dog was chilled it's your dog that lost it and i think it was either like her friend or like maybe a son i don't know but this bloke who was with her was like bloody hell mate you need to keep your dog on a lead that's irresponsible and i was like what are you talking about bro and then he goes you need to stop being a dick oh what and i kind of

forgot in that moment i was holding lola and marley was standing next to me and i kind of just forgot i was like yeah you just say red hey i was like what do you mean dude what are you talking about and then these two ladies still on the floor yelling at me. Her guy mate's also having a go at me. And I'm just like, is this a prank? I mean, set up. I think Laura just popped out like, surprise. I literally thought like, this can't be real.

And then this mum, another mum in the park comes over. To back you up or back them up? Well, I thought I'm like, great, I've got someone here to be like, you guys are being ridiculous. But then she looks at me and she's like, not in front of the children. And I'm like, what? And she's like, please, someone think of the children, not in front of them.

All the language coming out of this exchange. And then all of a sudden, because now we're making a big commotion, people in the park are now stopping and looking at me. And I'm like, I didn't do anything. I'm an innocent victim here. You just pointed, like, blame the dog if you're going to blame anybody. And so she keeps pointing at me, just being like, the children, like, not here, please please this lady starts freaking out still on the ground no she's back up now i think she she's back up but

there's other moms come over it's like we've just pulled out weapons that's how she's behaving like anchor man two in the park and all the news oh yeah yeah acting as if i've just whipped out a crowbar and he's got nunchucks and we're about to you know do this gladiator fight not the case and then i'm like okay do you know what i'm just gonna i'm gonna walk away here because this is not going to be resolved and people are starting to get a little bit heated and i can't be on the front page of the newspaper daily mail okay oh easy the herald son daily mail so maddie j fights an older woman Daily Mail, okay. Oh, easy. The Herald Sun, Daily Mail. Maddie J fights an older woman. So I'm like, I'm just going to remove myself from the situation.

I'm going to walk away. And as I'm walking away, this other mum, not the lady with the blue heel, the mum who was saying, think of the children, she's still yelling like, just leave, just leave. As I'm walking away and i'm like mate i'm leaving chill and then just as i think like this can't get any worse oh no miley and lola are like we don't want to leave the park oh no so they start screaming being like no go in mate so then i've tried to put buster back on the lead just to be like the last thing i need

is for him to go back over to the blue healer and come for round two so i'm dragging buster on three legs i've got a scooter i've got a bike with training wheels on it yeah marley and lola are both screaming like they're being abducted right now from the park and of course i couldn't park the car close to the park it's like like a kilometer away. So, I'm walking away with these people still yelling at me. This mom's still going, think of the children. And it made me realize parenting is such a roller coaster. The thing is like when you say and what really resonated with me then, you're like, I'm carrying a scooter and a bike with train wheels.

It's like anytime you leave the house with a scooter or a bike you're fucking carrying that thing after about five minutes but you're pretty much set out and got ganged up on by everyone at the park over something someone else's dog did you poor poor and then your kids want to kick off because you gotta leave the park don't they understand the situation daddy Daddy's getting yelled at, okay? I'm like, please, for the love of God, just stop crying. Just leave him there. Yeah, I thought about it. He's like, okay, bye, guys.

Fuck you. I'm out of here. Think of the children. Why don't you think of my children and I'm out of here. They're yours now, pal. It didn't get physical. Thank heavens. Yeah, because, you know, your kids don't need to see Daddy take a beating.

What I wanted to ask you was your kids' diet when you're looking after them and versus when Laura's looking after your kids. Does it differ or do you feel like you sit on the same page well ash at the moment laura's not around so she's left you yeah so laura is not here the kids only have me i think laura's pretty good laura's pretty good mom's usually pretty good yeah dad's very much like give him whatever to shut him up yeah for example like on the weekends if the kids want to have lunch which is just corn thins with a bit of butter on top perfect yeah okay so like for us april's always trying to be well she bought the

bento boxes so she's like make sure there's protein veggies whatever carbs whatever i couldn't care less do you guys adhere to uh well obviously not because of the mint slices but do you do like minimal sugar or like do you try no no no we went to a friend's house and they said oh we don't actually give young stewart here any sugar i made that name up but the main thing that we use with the kids is ice cream or chocolate as a bribe oh yeah bribe to eat their veggies i say bribe until you die. 100%. You got it. There's no other way. My mum's still bribing me.

What with? Just money. Please, Ash. Do this. Behave. I'll give you $10. $10? That's not getting shit.

The kids are pretty good, though. We're lucky in that under no influence from us, they just like broccoli. That's good. And they like carrot i would say they are their two favorite vegetables wow yeah i couldn't tell you what my kids favorite veggies are because i feel like when they're liking something they're liking something and then all of a sudden they don't like it anymore carrots usually a pretty good one carrots are staple my father-in-law is very good with the veggies and stuff when the kids are with him i

noticed they eat a lot of carrot he likes to eat a lot of carrot and they love popper so they see popper eating carrot i don't need a lot of carrots so they're probably not thinking i'm going to look up to him for my dietary needs what's ash having oh another better beer yeah yeah subtle plug you're welcome daddy's thirsty why are you saying that you're more relaxed than april you're definitely i'm definitely more relaxed so like for example if i go to the weekly shop okay and i'll take one of the kids that's the deal you gotta take one of the kids i think that's crazy it's all right with one and no mom because when mom's there it's like whinge whinge whinge because they want mum but you're gonna take maisie right because she's still the age we spoke about this on the phone

the other day where she's not yelly enough to do a good whinge in comparison to a four-year-old oh yeah it's a different whinge i feel like we're at two different whinges i take oscar a lot of the time to be honest because it wears him out yes you know like macy gets pretty worn out you run her up and down the stairs a couple times and she's done she's cooked she's at the top like oh no carry me down but oscar's like he's a boy he's you know crazy right i take him and him and I bribe him. I bribe him. I get the best out of him. Mum's not there.

And this is where the diet really goes out the window. I'm talking like I'm promising him a lollipop, promising him chocolate or whatever, just so that he behaves himself throughout the shops. So the other day we went past Donut King. And look, I love a donut. Does he understand what Don king yeah or is it just because you're like oh yeah yeah yeah but he also whenever he gets a donut with icing on it he just eats the icing and then just like tosses the rest of the donut away biggest waste and anyway so

the reason i wanted to bring this up is because this is what happened. I went to Donut King and they do something called a quake shake. What's a quake shake? It's like a thick shake but just a little bit fancier. And I get the honeycomb lava. It's not a Donut King pitch, by the way. It sounds naughty. It's very good. Okay.

And, of course, I'm with Oscar. I'm like, he can have a little bit. That's fine. But you also get a quake shake combo that comes with two cinnamon donuts. Oh, shit. And they're fresh. And I'm like, this is going to get us through the shop today, son. Sunday afternoon, look at us go.

Anyway, so I get the Quake Shake and he's sitting in the front of the trolley, right? That's that bit that you can sit in. And I'm having some, he's having a little sip here and there he's really happy and i'm happy you guys are all so fucking happy time of your lives right now time my life so we go down to willie's anyway we're walking down the aisle and i hand him the milkshake for a little sip and i get distracted with something right i was looking for something something april wanted something specific and then i've turned back grabbed the milkshake and he's finished it well how much was in there oh enough like more than half yeah are these one are these one of those jumbo cups oh it's decent size he's finished the remainder of it and i was

like his fingers first of all i'm pissed off because i wanted more that's mine motherfucker and you've just gone and finished it where's the courtesy anyway but i was also like whatever anyway we're walking along a little bit further and he was like i'm cold i was like what well you just had two liters of ice cream just had two liters and he's like i'm caught and he's like shivering and i'm like hell like i'm cold i'm like do you feel sick and he's like yeah yeah yeah anyway i'm holding the cup i've taken that's why i've taken the dome lid off because i like i'll scrape out what's left for me i'm doing that and he's like i'm cold and then he's gone really quiet

he's obviously feeling sick because he's drank it too far anyway two seconds later he's projectile vomited no here's the thing he's projectile vomited and i've caught it in the cup and it's landed back in the cup not a drop on the ground in Woolies. I'm thinking to myself, this is pro-level dadding right here. Well, maybe giving him the milkshake wasn't so pro-level, but this is. You bounce right back. I regathered here. Literally not a single drop landed on the floor.

It landed back in the cup and it was still cold. I contemplated drinking it, but I didn't. Just so you guys listening out there thought, I bet you this fucking loser drank it. I mean, there's a part of me that was like, were you tempted a little bit? Not at all. It reminded me of when you were younger and you did beer bongs.

And when you did a beer bong and you got sick straight after and you used to vomit cold out, that's what it reminded me of. It was legitimately, if I served it back up at a Donut King, no one would know the difference. When you went home, were you worried at all that he was going to spill the beans to April about what's just happened? He did immediately.

Fuck. They always snitch. He was like, I was sick. What happened? Are you okay, honey? He was like, oh, sick. What happened? Are you okay, honey? He's like, no, fuck that guy. He drank all my milkshake and then he spewed it back up cold as some sort of tease.

Actually, we've got a couple of cracking questions this week i'm gonna start away with the first one if i may you're gonna ask me this question i'm gonna ask you the first question beautiful it's a bit of a long one i'm not gonna say who it was who submitted this question let's not get them in i don't want to get them in trouble and they're asking about a friend's situation this one came through on the instagram at two doting dads it says I'm going to just condense it a little bit. Her friend has just had a new baby and her husband right now is spending a lot of time doing his hobby. So he's leaving the house with baby and mom alone.

Just for reference, baby is three weeks old right now. She raised it as an issue with him. He responded and said, look, he's entitled to his hours of downtime and quote not fair that he doesn't get to do his hobbies anymore so ash baffled go question is what is the is that not the question it's a long one it was an essay she even apologized she was like i'm so sorry for the essay right now don't you dare apologize no no no no no look you're not in the wrong here it's important to ask these questions and give all the context, but she ends it and says, how much baby-free leisure time is acceptable for a new-time dad?

First of all, nothing is unfair, buddy, in this situation. Nothing is unfair. The fact is that you said to your wife, it's unfair I don't get to do, or your wife, or the mother of your child that you don't get to do your hobbies that's a fucking dog act bro the poor girl is in recovery dog act but we could harp on about that look i understand everyone needs their vice whether it's your hobby whether it's going out taking a walk i get that so look there needs to be some sort of agreement there for sure but i think you laying that it's going out, taking a walk, I get that. So, look, there needs to be some sort of agreement there for sure,

but I think you laying that it's unfair is a fucking joke. I think in the first couple of months, free time. You don't have any hobbies anymore, bro. Yeah, dude. Like you don't have hobbies. You're literally on holidays from your – I shouldn't say holidays. You're on a nightmare holiday from your hobbies for that moment in time and it's only for a short moment in time but i think like i get that everyone needs their

downtime their downtime both you and mom look when we had oscar originally i mean originally the original oscar original when we had oscar look i surf every day that's my one and only hobby besides drinking better how often were you surfing when oscar was born afterwards in that first few months so the first few months i was still surfing like most days. Okay. But there was things around that that I had to achieve for the family before I could have my little downtime. So thankfully I was blessed enough to live right on the beach. So I didn't have to drive. I could get it done really, really quickly.

But if I had to drive, it would have been a different story. And I guarantee you this guy plays fucking golf. Golf is like anyone who's trying to maintain golf after their child is born, fucking give it up right now, dude. Yeah, look, your swing's going to have to be put aside, mate, for the caring of your child, even just for now. Get the putter out and putt up and down the hallway. Be a team player.

But it's only temporary. I'm not saying to fucking get rid of your hobbies for the rest of your life. It's very temporary because you find a balance. You find the communication at some point. So, like for me, April and I were like, okay, well, look, if the baby goes to sleep successfully, you've got at least 30 minutes here. Okay. It's only a small time, but I would take it. So, what I would do is I would put my wetsuit on because it was a winter baby put my wetsuit fully on wax my board

up leave it at the front door put the baby to sleep in your wetsuit in my wetsuit full wetsuit zinked up ready to go and like i would be rocking that baby to sleep for however long it took knowing that there was my time at the end okay long arm long leg full full steamer full middle of winter june baby so june july august really cold not really cold but cold enough what would happen is i would be putting the baby to sleep and i would say to april you go lay down while i'm doing that once he's asleep i'll go it. It would take 20 minutes, 30 minutes. I'm sweating up a storm, okay, because I'm in a warm room in a steamer, okay, rocking this bed up and down. Cot, sorry.

As soon as he would go to sleep, I was out the door, fully wetsuited up, running down the street, paddle out, 30 minutes, 40 minutes. Get a couple. If I was a little bit later, you know, if I was a little bit later i you know if i was a little bit later here and there april was usually like that's fine you put him to sleep he wakes up he feeds on me for like half hour anyway so look we made it work look i came in really hard to this to say it's a dog act i also did as well i say that like i've been an angel the whole time which i haven't but continue and i'll tell you what i did well i think like

i came in really hard then on the guy just saying it's a dog act but you also need to like communicate and be like okay well maybe i can do my hobby a little bit less or when it's more convenient but that's my answer to that question i agree in the first few months disregard any kind of hobby unless it's those tiny little windows like the half an hour the 45 yeah if you're running yeah i'd be down out the door back in 30 babe be efficient i think then beyond that after newborn i think you're entitled to as much time as your partner gets it's going to be equal so if you're trying to take a full day to do 20 rounds of golf 20 holes of golf i don't even know what they call it is Is it a round of golf? 18, I think it is. 18.

Who fucking knows? Front nine, back nine. Yeah. Yeah. But you can't be doing that if your partner's only getting in like a half an hour walk outside the house. It's got to be- With the baby.

It's got to be equal. But I went in hard saying this guy's a dog, but I look back- Self-reflection. Oh, man, I- It's a killer, that self-reflection. And it's really easy to fall into that routine of just baby being with mom because in the first few months they are so dependent because they all they do is literally they wake up they feed suck the life out of her they're awake for like 20 minutes half

now they go back to sleep they wake up they feed you change the nappy it's just that is on repeat and you know as a guy you like you're not really doing that much with the baby but obviously you do more around the house you know you make sure that there's food on the table you make sure the place is clean the laundry's done but i remember i slipped into this habit of just thinking oh laura's got it she's got it dialed she's all over it and i would just leave the house go to the gym i might see a mate he said you want to have lunch i'll go yeah sure and then i'd be out the house for a couple of hours wow and then it was only until one i'm so glad you self-reflected on that and you're admitting this yeah i was

i woke up and i got laura a coffee in the morning which i normally do and i and i thought to myself my work here is done and i had my gym bag i was like dressed not in gym gear and so you know i was in for the long haul i'd like packed a bag to be a day bag and i was like bye honey and i was you know skipping out the door and she was like what the fuck do you think you're doing and i was like well i'm gonna go see dom and then i might go to the gym and and she's there you know holding the newborn being like what am i gonna do and i was like oh you've got the baby you know i got you i got you a coffee and she was like hold up we need to talk this through and i then realized how shit i was being you got a blasting for that, I bet. And I look back now and I'm like, man, I was such an idiot.

You got to learn though. Yes. You do have to learn. You got to make mistakes. You do have to make mistakes to be better. And look, yeah, going for hours, you're worse than this guy. Yeah. Do you know what I do as well? I remember there was a couple of times where I'd come home and someone would call me just

before I came to the front door. So I'd come home on my phone and be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I can't believe Manly lost again. Yeah, that's a dog. Don't ever come through the front door on your phone. On the phone if you haven't been home for hours already. You need to come home full ready to help. Matthew, I'm going to ask you a question from a listener.

Have you had a moment where you thought, I'm glad no one was around to see that yes but actually it happened when people were around to see that yeah mine was the butter chicken thing in the middle of the night let's go with yours i i remember there was one time in particular, Laura was away and I had the kids. Not to paint Laura as a non-existent parent. At the moment. It was maybe a year ago and we used to live just off Bondi Road. On the weekends, it was always so bloody busy. There's a couple of cafes there.

Chockers on a weekend. I had both girls and I think we were out of nappies. We needed something where, you know, without this this item it was essential we couldn't detrimental to survival moving forward i'm with you so i was thinking i'm just going to put the kids in the pram had the old double pram i'm going to take buster because he needs to do a poo as well and i'm going to go down to the pharmacy as i was out the door both kids are absolutely losing it you know sometimes you see a parent with their child and the kid is just like like blood curdling screams yeah my first thought is that's not my problem and i just walk away sometimes sometimes i would never say this but sometimes i always think wouldn't it be funny if you're like just letting you know your baby's

crying oh not sure if you can hear that or Or can you be like, can you shut that thing up? I would never. I would never. But just to see what would happen. Never would do that. No, just to be clear. I was that parent. Obviously, if someone had said that to me, I would have had another fight.

Buster was there to back you up. I go to this pharmacy and Buster's in the lead. I just drop the lead. I run and grab the nappies. I then come out and I'm like, where the hell and Buster's on the lead. I just dropped the lead. I run and grab the nappies. I then come out and I'm like, where the hell's Buster? Both kids screaming in the pram in the doorway of this cafe, which is heaving. Buster, he never does this. He just does this piss, which was like this concentrated acid piss. It was like bright fluoro yellow and it stunk. I don't know.

And it was in the doorway just like – and he's a big dog. He's like a 40-kilo dog. His piss just never ended. And I'm like grabbing his leg and being like, fuck, bastard, what are you doing? It's kind of worse than the shit, right? Kind of worse than the shit because you can't pick it up. Don't clean it up.

I always thought like what if humanity got so anal about picking up dog waste that we have to carry a sponge around now? Sponge that up. I'm just there. These kids both screaming. I've got like nappies under my arm. My dog has just done like a four-liter piss in the doorway of this cafe and everyone's looking at me being like,

is this guy the worst freaking dad of the century? He is a shit human, right? And I'm like, what? What are you all staring at? You never seen a parent before? Take a picture. It'll last longer. And that was a low moment.

That was a low moment. Yeah, when you lash out at a crowd, that's a low moment. When you, like, claim this hell victim, like, what are you staring at? Haven't you seen a man with no legs and no arms before? I feel sorry for you in that situation. But behind closed doors, Ash, I am an angel at all times. Oh, yeah, I've never yelled at my kids at all.

No, no, no, no, no, never, never. My main form of communication is bellowing at the top of my lungs. Being like, Hey, Ashton, I am sorry to say that that's all we have time for. That is all we have time for. So, any other questions that you got for us, send us a DM. We'll try and get all of them. We get a lot.

Try and pick some of the best ones. So, make them stand out. Also, make sure you follow us on Instagram. Follow on Insta. But if this is the first time you've tuned into us, go back, go back to the start, listen to episode one, two, three, get in with it, catch up,

because we'll try and have some reoccurring themes, I would say. But yeah, make sure you drop us a follow, leave a review. We love it. Subscribe. And also, if there's any other people, make sure you drop us a follow, leave a review. We love it. Subscribe. And also, if there's any other people, any other parents who may be struggling,

they're at their wits end and they're thinking, I just did a little giggle. Send it on over. Send them this ad. Even if someone's thinking about having a child, even if someone doesn't have a child. Just send it to them. Just send it.

Send it to fucking everybody. Send it to everyone you know. And say, listen to this. But also, thanks so much for those who have left us a review on Apple Podcasts. It is honestly, it warms my cold, dead heart to read those in the evening before I go to bed. They're beautiful. It's all he's got, guys. It's all I've got going for me in my life right now.

My kids are like, Dad, do you want to cuddle? Not now. I'm reading the Apple Podcasts reviews. Jesus, Marley. Can't you see I'm busy? One star. Let's get out of here. Thanks so reading the Apple podcast reviews. Jesus, Marley. Can't you see I'm busy? One star. Let's get out of here. Thanks so much, Dad.

Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.