Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Removing Dummies and Mouth Salesman

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

It's our last ep of the year! Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened. But fear not, we'll be back in Jan with more parenting tales. In today's ep, Matt has been struggling with Lola who has had her dummies ripped from her life. They took the cold turkey approach, which went down like a lead ballon. Ash has had another run in with a mouth salesman (dentist) who tried to sell in a crown for Oscar. Not on Ash's watch! Just when Matt thought the meltdowns were ending, a lovely family trip to the RSL turned sour when they bought tickets to the Christmas raffle and lost. Serenity now! We share your best Toddler Meltdown stories as well as have a crack at answering your listener questions: What's your 'go to' cheap meal for kids? How many times does your kid fart a day? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I would like a well done from you, please. Not going to happen. Normally, I'm very late. I'd like to argue that. Yeah, but you've fucking ghosted me since last night. April's off, yeah? Why? Because we asked a question.

I asked you a question last night about couriers. You completely fucking ghosted me. And she's like- Stressing out. She's off, yeah? Sorry. Sorry. Then you literally just exposed yourself to her upstairs

That's the first time I've ever gone to the bathroom And not closed the door on your household And April walks in and is like It's Tony She knew I was in there She was like oh damn She knew what she was doing She heard how thick the stream of pee was

There's like a horse in there with me. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And for the last time this year, I am Ash. I'm changing my name to Big Dick. This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the sweaty. It is very warm today.

I told you, as soon as I shut doors, also it was, what do they call it? Were you like air DJing? Yeah, as we were setting up, Ash and I, just to get in the mood, put on some Hans Zimmer. Hans Zimmer. And it was the Pirates of the BN. Pirates of the BN. Fucking hell. Pirates of the, Pilots of the BN? Oh, my God.

Pilots of the Caribbean. Quick, get into the 747. It's the Pirates of the Caribbean medley for those listening and go to the back end of that. I'm sweating thinking about it. I do not find anything appealing about that song. I like a good, deep, chunky, thick house tune. Yeah, like Michael Bublé. You're a Bublé guy. I like a good, deep, chunky, thick house tune with a solid-

Yeah, like Michael Bublé. You're a Bublé guy. Running to Hans Zimmer to me is like running to Cocomelon. It does nothing. I find it annoying. Run, run, you got to have your run. Run, run, run, you like it, yeah. That's what it's like.

Perfect. That was a perfect rendition of a Cocomelon song. Right now my kids will be like, Cocomelon is on somewhere. Somewhere. With that little bee that goes. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz whole episode record record you have to record i love the record oh recording yeah okay sorry i was gonna say matt you usually say just so everyone's aware there's no advice given oh yes what do you got what do you got to actually just check that camera on me am i ugly no you got a little flick going with your hair yeah i like that actually stop morphing into me someone said the minute you're coming you'll have no hair you'll be like what do you

think i'm booked in for some tats next week are you no imagine you just come you just got like a hand someone did say in one of our posts it's hard hard to tell apart Ash and Matt. You are morphing into the same person. I decided to keep the moustache. We went to cut it last week. As we were about to chop it off, I had a change of heart. A tear in your eye. Couldn't do it. Keep it.

It's here. It's here. And then I decided to wear a hat for the first time. People are really going to be like, dude, get your own look. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. The hat. Take it as a compliment.

Hat's a bit much, but. You're welcome. You've got a hair there. What's been going on? Well, mate, aside from trying to look like you every day, it has. Are you trying to act like me too? I feel like I'm starting to sound like you. I couldn't fucking handle it.

I've been drunk every day for a week. You couldn't handle the head noise, my friend. It has been a hard week. It's always a hard week. Parenting is always hard. You have moments where this morning was actually a good morning, getting out the door. The kids were in a great mood.

Morning was actually a good morning getting out the door. The kids were in a great mood. But the last few days since Friday have been particularly tough because it was when we were at the cricket. We were at the cricket on Friday together? And I got a text from Laura and we've been speaking about it for a little while about removing dummies from Lola. Ooh. And we thought we're going to do it around Christmas time

and play into the fact that a lot of people were saying the best way to do it is to say you've got to give the dummies to Santa. Oh, smart. That's really good. Classic lie. We tried that. I mean, Santa is real. Yeah.

Fuck, really. We tried it and we tried to say you've got to put one on there. Well done. Good recovery. Two dating dads. Smooth. there, but well done. Good recovery. Two dating dads. Smooth. Routing Christmas. One.

For everybody. But, yeah, we tried the whole got to give the dummies to Santa. Lola looked at us as we were trying to explain it to her, and she was like, literally, she's like, what the fuck? She's like, you can have one of these and you can have one of these and go fuck yourself. She hates Santa now because we were like, Santa's going to take your dummies. And she's like, well, he of these and you have one of these and go fuck yourself she hates santa now because we were like santa's gonna take your dummies and she's like well he's a prick welcome to the club we're at the cricket and laura just messaged and she said hey tonight tonight

i've had enough no dummies i think what happened was we all had a busy week last week forgot to tell laura that we were going to the cricket which we had in diary for a little while. And she had a busy day at work. Kids were being pretty hard. She got kicked in the face by Lola in the bath. And like Lola did it and laughed. How? I think maybe- Was she in the bath too?

I didn't question. I didn't want to say like to Laura, like how do you even- How did this physically happen? You're in there like CSI. Can you reenact? Numbers put up around it and you've got the camera. So, how did it go? Projectory of the foot.

Would have been impossible. And then you set up one of those like in-court reenactments. And just like, so, what you say? Lol, is there pleading innocent? Yeah. And the cricket finished at 10.30, which meant that I missed the whole bed, bath. Love that.

Nighttime routine. And that was the night that Laura decided, post being kicked in the face. That's not on you. It's not on me, bro. That wasn't your call. It wasn't my call. I hate that when they call an audible.

I hate that. There's been times where when we were like sleep training, sorry to interrupt your story really quickly. You're looking at me like, how dare you fucking interrupt me. Anyway, I'll be really quick. No, please. When you're doing the settling, right? Yeah.

And then you go in with a plan, right? And then April's like, oh, sorry, blame April for this. But like then midway through it, plans change without consulting. You've got to have united front. Absolutely. I think calling an audible just because you've been kicked in the face. Did you even get kicked? Was there even a kicking?

Did that even happen? You're in the doghouse now. You're in the doghouse for that. You'll possibly be sharing a bed for the next week. Laura's got a blood nose and a missing tooth. And I'm like, did you even get hurt? Yeah. She's just like punched herself in the face.

So she dealt with an awful night. Lola is obsessed with dummies. She's obsessed. She walked in the other day and she had a dummy in her mouth. She loves it. And it was getting worse. Normally we're trying to keep it to dummies for bedtime, but she just. She's just walking around.

She's a day walker with it. She was into it. So Friday, awful. Saturday was pretty good. I think she was just so tired. She literally screamed till 11 o'clock. Like I got home as she fell asleep and I was like, she sounds like she's been fine.

Don't say that. But then Sunday, just big emotions, big emotions. You kind of forget that for so long, her entire life, any time she'd have a meltdown, we'd just go, have a dummy. It's like dealing with someone who's a heroin addict. Whenever they were stressed out. They were drunks last week and now they're heroin addicts. Yeah, it's getting worse.

The dummy withdrawal. She starts shaking. Dude, literally, she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what she wants. She's now kind of shifted. She was obsessed with just like bringing in her toys into the cot. We're like, sure, we can like shift the addiction to toys. So she was in bed with all these toys and she was like,

what the fuck am I doing? Then she was throwing the toys out and then she was like- It's like Macy. Yeah, dude, she's flipping out. And then she's passed on the addiction now to warm water. We got her off the bottle with milk. We now give her warm water. That was her routine.

And now she just sucks on the bottle like a dummy? No, now she's like, now she'll like guzzle the water and then she's like more. It's the sucking, it's the same thing. Yeah, but then the issue is she pisses herself in the middle of the night because she has four bottles of water plus a couple of times in the middle of the night because she has four bottles of water, plus a couple of times in the middle of the night if she wakes up, I'll just give her more water. So, she's now pissing herself.

Have you ever heard of water poisoning? That's a story for another time. Don't put that in my head. I don't need that kind of stress right now. Why the fuck would you do that? Have you ever heard of killing your child with too much warm water at bedtime? Well, I've actually- What do you mean?

I spooked April with this too because there was something on the news about a lady who got water poisoning who drank X amount of water in a certain amount of time. No, that's like- Got water poisoning and she died. Come on. Come on. You're better than that.

I am. What are you watching, Sky News? No. I don't need that kind of stress in my life. No. Yeah. So, anyway, guzzling. No. So, well, she's still alive. Thanks, Ash. So, I've managed to not- I'm happy stress out. Daily mail. No. Yeah. So, anyway, guzzling.

No. So, well, she's still alive. Thanks, Ash. So, I've managed to not poison my child with too much water. But we've now cut down. We have cut down the water. So, fear not, Ash. You're working on it.

We are working on it. But it's hard because up until now, she has been like, you put her down. You would give her the dummy, give her the bottle of warm water, close the door, boom. Love that. Boom. That was it. It was like Laura and I would high five, happy days. Now, and of course she's screaming at night time and she's up so late, she wakes up early, she's moody all day.

So send her off to kindy and she's someone else's problem. Ah, yeah. I know what you mean. Like it's tough, the transition. Do you, Ash? No. Do you, Ash? Like, my kids weren't obsessed with dummies.

Have you ever killed a child with too much water, Ash? Yes. Also, too many toys in there that could suffocate. You're really putting this kid in danger. Anyway, look, I feel your pain because it's never easy when their whole life they've relied on something for the tough times, the sad times, the angry times, the moody times, and you're just like, you've also relied on it too in some way.

It would be like if someone said to you, you can't masturbate anymore. Well, I've actually taken an oath not to masturbate anymore. That's not true at all. As of 9.35 this morning. Poor little chicken. So, we're trying to be patient. Trying to be patient. Keep us updated on that.

I'm sure by this- Well, I will, but hey. Last episode. Last episode. Sorry, guys. You will find out next year. What a cliffhanger. And that's all we've got time for.

You'll find out next year how Lola's going with that. We're staying strong, except actually- She's going to start sucking her thumb. I'm sure she will. She's going to like tape her hands. I'm sure she will. I don't know if she's going to be be like do you know part of the problem you know what i i mentioned a couple of weeks ago that she doesn't like one dummy she likes four yeah i've in bed with her and we've

lost so many dummies that throughout the house we've had to rebuy more dummies we've got fucking dummies in every nook and cranny in the house you have to get like a dummy rash or anything nothing i never got that one thing i she have to get like a dummy rash or anything? No, I never got that. One thing I always regret is not getting a dummy attachment. So when it falls off. Yeah, I should have got that. Because we have so many dummies. Our house is like a dummy graveyard.

So in the morning, she'll sit on the couch and pull out a dummy from behind the cushion. She's like, oh, look, another dummy. And I'm like, fuck, give it back. She's got them hidden. Dude, everywhere. She's like waiting for you to leave the room. She's like.

This actually, this was her ploy the whole time. She's like, I know the dummy's going to run out sooner or later, so I'll stockpile them and hide them. Lost it. Lost it. I'm sure as we leave her room, she's just whipping them out behind the cushion. The people who move into your old house are like,

what the fuck are all these dummies? Just lodged in different places. Yeah, great. Hey, smart, actually. We'll keep us updated on that, Matt. How are you, mate? What's going on? Look, I'm going to have a dig at someone again.

Not you this time. You know how I feel about dentists. Yeah, you don't like dentists. What do you refer to them as? Mouth salesmen. Yes. They've struck again. Well, they've tried to strike again but i'll tell you oscar went to the dentist for the first time he's four and a half congratulate congratulations no that's not right no okay no anyway so he was saying

a couple of weeks back he was like oh i feel like he must have bit down on something and felt a tooth and he was like oh my tooth a bit hurts right but it doesn't bother him like regularly right and we're like what is it and you can see he's got like a little needs a little like a feeling keeping in mind they're baby teeth i never thought people like if you keep being going to the dentist he's gonna lose those teeth no he doesn't need to go to the dentist those teeth are temporary teeth that's a very valid point very valid he grew them they fall out he'll grow new ones adult teeth very important very important it was different if it was like this is an adult tooth i'd be like oh my god whatever however people act i'm yet to be. I don't know how I would act. Let's figure that out down the track.

So he was like, oh, and you could clearly see like, you know, but it wasn't bothering him unless he accidentally bit it or bit down too hard on it. And still like, even though we've been to the dentist, nothing's changed as yet still because it's not bothering him that much. Anyway, so a couple of times he was like, oh, it's actually hurting. So April took him to the dentist. First of all, freaked out because it was a dentist

and the guy was like opening his mouth. Oscar couldn't quite comprehend what was going on. He was like, as you can imagine a four and a half year old would be like. It's quite a situation for the first time. Yeah, you can imagine all the light and stuff. So he had to sit on April's lap. That's fine. Apparently, it didn't go that bad.

I thought it would have gone way worse. But the thing that shit me, like I said, they're baby teeth. They're going to fall out. They're temporary. What's he got, like a gold cap on it or something? No, no, no. They were like, oh, okay. Oh, this is bad.

This is bad. We're going to have to put him down. No, they're like, okay, so what we need to do is we need to get him back in. First of all, he's already there. Just do what you need to do while he's there. Okay. Get him back in. This is like a physio.

Like, we need him for four more sessions. To fill it up. With what? Good question. Fill it up. And then after it's filled up, come back and get a crown. Fuck. What?

A crown? Yeah How badly did it 1500 bucks Mouth salesman Okay so what did you say? I wasn't there What did April say? April was like oh okay like we'll go and we'll rebook

Didn't do it there Because in the moment you're taking what they're saying as gospel and you're like well I want it Not me man Not me Question everything. Not me. Question everything. I am. I'm like, oh, how did you do that? You're like-

How did you get to that price? You grab the little mirror and you're like, give me a look. Yeah. Looks fine. Get out of here. Well, that's like with me and the dentist. I went to the dentist and they're like, oh, you need a root canal. And I was like, oh, no, I don't.

Anyway, I was like, fill it it up i'll be on my way that was eight years ago dude same tooth completely fine haven't had an issue with it since i'm in extreme pain we've been over this in another episode but if go back and listen if you don't know what i'm talking about and i did get some flack for some dentists. I called them mouth mechanics. That's all they are. Because no one knows what's going on in there unless you're a dentist. So, what's the deal with Oscar? He can just suffer like me in pain because the tooth is going to fall out. That's right.

They were like, no, it's probably not going to fall out until he's like seven. Bullshit, dude. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. But he hasn't complained about it since. It's there. I was like oh should we go i'm like no that salesman's got you hooked yeah they just mouth sales actually do you know

what happened to me yeah you or your kids both so this is the best act of salesmanship i've ever seen oh did he close you almost got me me. We're going crazy. 40% off. All crowns must go. But do you know also. Go on. Sorry, before you do go on with your story, do you know what? The dentist called it to really hook Oscar in as a kid.

He called it a transformer's tooth. Oh, my. You motherfucker. That's evil. How dare you try and sell to my son. Cal he wants it money hungry now he wants it and he's like i even asked for it for christmas mike you fucking stupid mouth salesman anyway i'm an anti-dentite as jerry simon as kramer from seinfeld would say kramer he's just a Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite. I am not an anti-dentite.

You're a rabid anti-dentite. What happened to you, Matt? Previously, I have gone against your opinion on the dentist. I was all for the dentist industry. However, talk about them being very calculated sales men and women. I was coming back from swimming lessons, going through the shopping center and there was a fairy standing there in the shopping center, dressed head to toe in the most beautiful fairy dress you've ever seen. And can you imagine what it was like for my kids?

Oh, two girls as well. Coming face to face. They are obsessed with fairies. But it wasn't any old fairy, Ash. It was the tooth fairy. And they were offering free toothbrushes, fairy toothbrushes. Genius. Guess how you-

With a side of business card. Yeah, and to get it, you had to book in for an appointment They can't keep getting away with it I booked in Next year we are starting a campaign We need to riot We're starting a campaign Enough's enough

Parents against dentists It's a union And enough of that fluoride in the water as well We don't need it We sound like a bunch of boomers already I booked the appointment And enough of that fluoride in the water as well. We don't need it. We sound like a bunch of boomers already. I booked the appointment. Long story short is my kids have veneers.

We've talked lately about a few meltdowns that I've been facing. Previously, they've been my children being told they're not twins, they're sisters. Meltdown. Yeah, meltdown. That was a good one. Marley at the RSL couldn't play the pokies. Meltdown.

I understand. And I thought, I can't be the only one here dealing with these horrendous Meltdowns. And as we know, Matt, there's no more Budgie Smuggler segment. Oh, yes. At the moment. For this episode, it's the last episode of the year, and we wanted to try something new. We haven't got a jingle yet.

We're working on the jingle. Jingles take a lot of time to put together i've got a few i had one the other day it's the final meltdown no no it's the final i did have one it'll come to me but it was like that's genius ash damn it i was driving so i couldn't write it down anyway so we thought maybe next year we introduce a new segment we'll bring lies back here and there But we have a segment we might sell to Budgie. We need the money. We need those dentist bills. You know, the most ridiculous tantrum. Before we go into the ones that have been submitted,

I did have a meltdown last night. You personally. Laura's already called me and told me. It's like, I said no again. I had zerodown last night. You personally. Laura's already called me and told me. It's like, I said no again. I had zero patience last night, obviously dealing with the fact that Lola's very emotional. We thought it was the last day that Laura's dad was going to be with us. Staying with you.

Staying. Be very specific. He's still alive. He's still alive. The man's old, okay? Be very specific. He's alive and well. But we thought, I know we've been going to the RSL a lot lately,

but we thought we'll go for a quick swim at the beach and then we'll go and have dinner at the RSL. Beautiful. Love that. Schooner? Yeah. Stone and wood, five bucks on special, mate. Happy hour.

So we went to the RSL and one of the hardest things about RSLs at the moment is that they're doing a lot of raffles. There's these like big hampers that you can win. And at the RSL at Icebergs, there was $1,000 worth of toys. $1,000? There's only $100 ones at RSL. And also, RSL Icebergs, it looks over on the beautiful beach. Don't shit on me for...

Where am I meant to go? It's walking distance from my house, mate. I can't help it that I live next to an RSL. Maryland's RSL, where the salt of the earth are. They're not giving away toys they're asking for. So there was on this table, on display, the most incredible collection of toys you've ever seen just asking for it everything from like mickey mouse dolls there was like scooters there was a bike there

was helmets there was like everything hula hoops we walk in there and marley's just like holy shit they're asking for it and she and she like even goes to climb up on the table and i'm like oh marley it's not that's that's a prize. And she's like, I want it. Freaking out. And I thought, look, we'll buy you some raffle tickets. Okay, we'll get 10 raffle tickets. So we bought them wanting to win this hamper of toys. And they say, hey, the first ticket that gets announced wins all the toys.

Okay, so they're saying it's going to be drawn in five minutes. Everyone's like putting their meal to one side. We get all the tickets laid out on the table. Get this. You won. Get this. We won. No, you didn't.

A leg of ham. Yeah. Ham for a month, kids. It's just as good. And I can imagine the. Oh, a month, kids. It's just as good. And I can imagine the. Oh, my gosh, dude. So we had orange tickets and the first one was like blue C7. And we said to Marley, I'm so sorry, Marley.

We haven't won. Dude, unbelievable meltdown. And to make it worse, it was a table next to us who won. And so they're there. Kids are like, oh, my God, it's a Christmas morning for them. They've got toys. Their table is stacked full of toys. Anyway, the next one they call out is our ticket.

And I'm like, Marley. And she's like, what have I won? It's like ham. She goes up there, dude, and they give her a leg of ham. A full leg, though? Massive leg. Priceless. Massive, like a four kilo leg.

That's amazing. How did you carry that? She dragged it back to the table in tears. Oh, that's amazing. Look, that's understandable. That's not ridiculous. I was happy, dude. I was like-

Yeah, you were happy. This is great. I've just saved a heap of money. And it's from Lucas Butchers, one of the best butchers in Bronte. Not sponsored. Probably bought you by Lucas Butchers. Yeah, look, to be honest, that's not ridiculous, but they need to understand that you can't get everything in life.

Do you know what we did, though, actually? We thought this is a really important life lesson. When we stood there back at our table with a leg of ham and the table next to us had all of these toys and marley's at flipping out screaming like wailing that one of the parents said hey look does she want to take one of these toys and i said no absolutely no chance and marley was like marley kind of She's so cluey She heard it She was like

Daddy can I grab one And the parent as well Was like grab one of them Like no But I want one Well I thought She needs to realise that You can't win everything in life

You cannot win everything What would it be like A participation toy Yes Yes And she was like It's not fair Why didn't I win

Because you're not the main character every time, Marley. Life is not fair. The main character. You need to learn that. Very good. So, let's go into some of the listener ones because we both put a call out. We got some good ones. We got some great ones.

I've got one for you first. Okay. So, this one. Are we giving names? Nah. You can go names. This is from Mrs. Swain. Is that a real name? I don't know. I don't know. That's a handle. It's on names. This is from Mrs. Swain. Is that a real name?

I don't know. I don't know. That's a handle. It's on Instagram. So, you just don't know. My daughter was so mad that I emptied the bath water. She stood in the bath, shit, and then stomped in it. Okay.

My other one is... This is from Kerry Hunt. My best friend's two-year-old had a meltdown because she wanted more than two eyes. Very reasonable. Anyway, ridiculous. Ridiculous. What have you got for me? This one is from Ashley.

And she says, my two-year-old with exceptionally clear vocabulary was at the pools and there was an older lady getting dressed. And he was loudly yelling that he could see her vagina. And I told him that he can't stare at people getting dressed. And he lay down, started to scream and had a tantrum saying that he wanted to see her boobies. Sounds like Ash. Sounds like something I would do. This one is from Mel. She says that her daughter was having a full-on meltdown

because she couldn't put on her jumper hood, but there was no hood. I even took a photo to show her there was no hood on the jumper and she still had a tantrum. What is wrong with them? And it's good to know, actually. You know we love early educators. Love them. We love them.

Big fans. Better than dentists and better than rural doctors. I've got one from here because she says, I don't have any kids, but I work in childcare. She says, this morning a little girl had an exorcism because she didn't want to have a white plate for lunch, but we have only ever had white plates at the daycare. What the fuck is wrong with them?

I'll never, ever work them out. No. Just when you think you've got it worked out, they'll be like, they'll throw a spanner. They're like, you know, in that, what's that movie with Adam Sandler and he adopts that kid? Big? No.

No. Daddy? Big Daddy big daddy big daddy there we go look at us working things out it's kind of like the just like when they're throwing sticks at the rollerbladers oh i'm cruising along and then your toddler throws a stick out you're like yeah yeah one thing that's getting a workout right now in our household and surely every every household with toddlers in it is saying this at the moment, is you behave right now or I'm calling Santa. Oh, yeah, that's a classic. We've got the Santa hierarchy.

So it goes, I'll tell Papa, Papa reports directly into Santa. Direct line. So it goes from you to me, from me to Papa, Papa to Santa. Have you ever threatened to call Santa direct? No, but I might use that. No, I might. I'll skip Papa. Oh, yeah.

I'll skip the chain of command. I'll do that. Except when we've done that, Marley's like, why is Santa always watching? She's like, I want him out of my head. And I was like, yeah, this is like Santa's a bit of a bit of a creep hey to wrap things up we should end things on some listener questions we should do you want to go first yes okay fire away what have you got for me uh this question is guys love the podcast thanks for the feedback really appreciate that i just i just made that

up i just made i thought we just no no we need it we need it a little bit did you see me panic as i was making that story up you're looking at me and i was like i'm like where are you reading this i thought i thought you yeah i thought you needed that but she says how many times do your kids fart and i reckon it's a lot because by god you are gassy i'm'm one gassy man. Sometimes. Sometimes I'm all right. Always gassy.

That fart I let out before was- You let out. It was- It was like starting a rusty chainsaw. It went on for at least 30 seconds. At least. It was good. Oscar, is he a fart or Macy?

Is she a fart? Both. Both farts. Macy, much more. Really? Yeah, but she just like- She Both. Both farters. Macy, much more. Really? Yeah. But she just like- She's a gassy girl.

Like this morning, she's sitting on the stairs over there and she's like- And I was like- Excuse me? Did you farty? She's like- Yeah. I blame Oscar for all of mine, but he's pretty bad. And kids fart.

Because I told you that story where he was like, look, daddy, I'm going to fart. And then he shit himself. And I had to carry him upstairs. So, he still does that shit. And kids farts, they stink. They are horrendous, man. I told you about Marley farting on me.

Like, she is nonstop. If Oscar farts on me, that's the end of him. Your question. Yes. Matthew, my question to you, and I think it's a listener question. It's actually not my question. I lied. It's a question to us both, but I'm going to ask you.

What's your go-to cheap meals for your kids or even you that you share with the kids? I don't know. I'll start with the expensive meal. Icebergs. Icebergs Icebergs RSL My daughters will have a lobster They actually are like Would you like a chicken parmy? No I want one of those

Eggplant parmies please With chicken on top They actually did They actually did a lobster spring roll Oh my god Can I get a lobster tail? Do you want a side of chips? Side of lobster tail Side of caviar Do you want a side of chips? Side of lobster tail.

Side of caviar, please. I want a side of caviar, but then on the side of that caviar, I want another lobster tail. It's an RSL, mate. I'm not going to Iceberg's Dining. RSL. I think you're covering this up. You're going to Iceberg's Dining.

We're not going. But the one meal that Marley and Lola love more than anything else is chops. Oh, yeah. It's not cheap. So expensive. And now they've just like they'll have like two nibbles and they'll discard it. So, I'm there eating the chops off the floor because I don't want to waste the money. They're so expensive, like 50 bucks a kilo.

I'm not even going to introduce chops into my house because I don't have a chop budget. But what they love to eat, and this is something that I was given by my mum who was very poor, is pasta, ham and cheese. Oh. You never did pasta, ham and cheese. So just break that down for me. Sure, sure, sure. It's pasta, ham, then cheese. Correct.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. Pasta, ham and cheese. What sort of cheese were you going with? Normally I would just go like a- Now you've got that four kilo ham mate that's yeah oh and that'd be and then we serve that with lobster tail on the side with caviar and the best prosecco we can buy um fast ham and cheese i can't believe

okay hang on a sec wait why are you struggling to comprehend this meal pasta yes correct chopped up ham yes okay all right now i'm i need to i'm a visual learner i'm a visual do you want me to pull up a photo do you have one no okay well next time all right so let me just let me just wrap my head around yeah please pasta yeah pasta normally we'll go like a penne penne maybe spaghetti no i've never done bow tie although that would go down well penne is actually quite difficult for the girls, but Laura, she's always advocating for a penne. Laura loves a bit of pasta, ham and cheese as well.

Laura does? Yeah. Mate, honestly, cook it. It's delicious. It's really good. This is why. What about a little bit of the like parmigiana sauce, you know? No, no, no.

If they want sauce sauce it's tomato sauce read my mind yeah and then just like a cheese grated cheese so with pasta comes out it's cooked i can't believe we're still talking about pasta ham and cheese i'm intrigued so pasta comes out cooked as the pasta is still hot we'll sprinkle over just some like some cheddar mozzarella whatever's in the fridge you got more than one type of cheese in your fridge you're like i'll just put some camembert and some brie on there. I got some aged Parmesan. It's about $3,000 a kilo.

Good thing we got that free ham. Anyway, okay, I'm with you now. I visualized it. It was pasta. Ham. With ham. And then cheese. And sauce if you want it

We'll put the ingredients In the show notes We should do like a cooking video Cook with us That's actually when we bring out a cookbook Bar sandwich cheese Bar sandwich cheese 12 different ways

My go-to meal is toast. So, how that goes, it's bread. Toasted. Yeah. Butter. Hang on, slow it right down. Topping on top of that is really dealer's choice. You could go honey.

Yeah. You could go jam. Lovely. You could go peanut butter. Nutella? We're not made of money. Veggie Mart or caviar or lobster. Anyway, so toast is a go-to.

And what kind of bread are we talking? A white bread? Sure. Like a sourdough. I was joking. I was joking, Ash. Oh, my. You did have a big loaf of sourdough the other day

and you left the bag open and it was clearly going stale. I left it out of spite. And I was like, what are these people just throwing around sourdough money? I tell you what, Christmas at the Johnson's this year is going to be bougie. Just pasta, ham and cheese. On that, Matthew. Yes.

It has been a wild ride. An incredible year. Yes. One to remember. We would like to wish a happy and merry, however you want to say it in your family, Christmas. And a fruitful new year. Fruitful, happy, healthy, full of tantrums new year to through next year we will be back when i think we're gonna have the first two weeks off in january that's a bit excessive the first episode

back will be the 17th of jesus yeah yeah why where are you going i need a holiday mate well i'll just be here i need to fuck i'll just be sat right here waiting for you to come back I need a break from you So we'll come back on the 17th Happy New Year Merry Christmas And all that shit Thank you for those who have just joined us

And also a huge thank you for those who have been with us From the very start From episode 1, Daddy Wants a Podcast. Without you guys, we wouldn't have this friendship. Because if we lost the listeners, Ash and I wouldn't hang out. Yeah. This wouldn't happen. I wouldn't drive out to Wairiwood every second week.

I wouldn't drive out to Pondai. No. Every time I go there, it costs me like $200. Our listeners are the glue that keeps this friendship together. Good to know. But you are slowly morphing into me. I'm actually looking at a house down the road. That's fine, because I'm moving to North Ponder. Yes, that's all from us.

That's all from us. Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.