Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Shark-week in Fiji

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

Matt's just returned from his honeymoon, which was on a beautiful tropical island in Fiji. The only problem? It was the time of the month for Laura, Marlie got conjunctivitis and Lola was attacked by mosquitoes. If thought Ash was the perfect man, I have some bad news for you - the bloke doesn't have the ability to snorkel. He can only last a few minutes before hyperventilating and then vomiting. But wait... it gets worse. He also doesn't know how to fly a kite. Something he found out the hard way (in the park with Oscar after waiting two weeks for ideal flying conditions). We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: Toilet training - how the hell do you do it? Is man flu-just an excuse for getting out of helping with the kids? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Have you ever been for a run and midway through the run thought, I'm going to do a shit right now? Yeah, it's something about running that compresses it. Doesn't it, right? I'm a bit gassy on my runs. Good to know. And then I went for a run the other day and I don't know if it's the fact that I've transitioned from Fiji food to Aussie food,

but I was like 4Ks in and I was thinking, fuck, I don't know if I'm going to make it home or not. And I was thinking, what am I going to do here? Like, what's my... Bush poo. What is my call of action? I luckily... You know when your body, it knows there's a toilet coming?

And I saw... It's like when you get to the front door, you're like, oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I saw a toilet in the park and I was like, okay, we're on here. And I was like, I was squeezing the butt cheeks as much as I could. And there was this old man who was making his way also into the toilet. And I was like running, sprintinging get the fuck out of the way i cut in and i beat him and there's one cubicle and i don't normally do this but i just i had to just relax and let gravity take control

because usually what you do is you wait for either the people in there to leave because you know it's going to be noisy or them to hit the hand drug and you're like... Oh, it came out afterwards and he was standing there waiting and I was just like, it's yours. Sorry, dude.

Didn't flash either. Restarted the garment and quite a good pace home really unloaded the carver Welcome back to Two Dirty Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting the good, the bad. And the relatable.

And as always, there is no advice being given. No real advice. Sometimes advice. Accidental advice. 90% of the time, no advice. There may be like one random nugget that will pop up but not even ash and i knew was coming ashton yes matthew something a little bit different this morning we are going to crack a better beer but we're doing it for a very

special reason why is that there's uh they're calling well it's it's the ultimate treasure hunt this month. And, you know, you love a treasure hunt, Ash, more than anybody. Love it. And, you know, you're not doing Dry July. You also are currently still unemployed. Is that right? This is my job now.

Drinking Better Beer is my job. This is right up your alley. Exactly right. And they've hidden two Bitcoins in specially marked cases from Dan Murphy's and BWS of the Zero Carb original Better Beer. Now, I hate the fact that I've gone... I'm still doing Dry July, so I've got the Zero out, which is... that's not in the running. It's just the... It's just the original.

Right, which you've got in your hand right now. Which is the Zero Carb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in specially marked pack, they've hidden two Bitcoins. Okay, I don't know how they've hidden them in there. I mean, Bitcoin, it's not a physical currency. We asked for details and they wouldn't tell us. I think partly because they thought that we were going to try.

It's not going to be like one of those silly worm cans where you crack it and like this. They're like, woo! I'm not sure. But they're worth about $45,000 each at the moment and they say that when you open it they said you will know that's the thing it's obvious

you will know best to also check the T's and C's now unfortunately the nanny states aren't involved who's that? South Australia, ACT and the Northern Territory sorry about that guys sucked in

now I have a original here from a specially marked case okay so we got it can i just confirm if you crack that and you have a bitcoin in it are we going 50 50 or how is this going to work hell no what do you well because if i go 50 50 years and i'm going to get home i've got to go 50 50 with my wife with what's left don't tell her okay she's gonna hear this yeah we'll just okay fuck all right we're a team we're a team we'll go third you me april we're going thirds laura doesn't need the money all right here we go is it okay i technically i'm still winning because it's 10am on a Monday morning go open another one we're not leaving here until you finish the whole case

okay beautiful I do have to say only for the month of July yes it is only for the month of July and yes drink responsibly of course you can check out the website betterbeer.com.au get the full T's and C's

find the bottle shop near you B BWS, Dan Murphy's. Let's get into the episode. Let's get stuck in. Ashton, it's good to see you, mate. I know. I've missed you. I know. You've been on holiday.

I've been on your honeymoon with your kids. Did you miss me? Sure. Well, you fucking messaged me enough. I messaged you and rang you enough. Well, look, always in the marketplace. Things never stop. Just because you're on holidays doesn't mean the rest of the world is. enough i messaged you and rang you enough and i well look always in the marketplace things never stop just because you're on holidays doesn't mean the rest of the world is but i did want to bring

something up now you were on your honeymoon but also on your honeymoon you had your birthday and i missed the opportunity to have a beer with you on your birthday have a beer with you now yours is a zero hour and i thought thought, what am I going to get? What do I get the man who has everything for his birthday? You know, you didn't have to get me anything. I've been doing some digging, did some digging. I found out from your lovely wife that your favourite actress is Nicole Kidman. It's not true.

Did you say that? Yes. But I thought, what do I get the man who has everything? And I thought, oh, I'd love to get a personalized message from Nicole Kidman to Matthew. Now, Nicole Kidman's a very busy lady. Yeah, she's got a lot on. She's got a lot on. So she's outsourced it.

She's outsourced my request. And I've managed to get you what I think is a very, very good birthday present. So if you'd like to press play on that one, Matthew. The fuck is this?

Happy birthday, Matt G. Happy birthday, Matt G. Love from your favourite actress. Love from your favorite actress. Love from your favorite actress. Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman. Kiss, kiss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. happy birthday mate wow she's i told you she's a busy lady so for her to actually book that in and

get that personalized for you i'm speechless You have really outdone yourself here. How much did that cost? Priceless. Priceless memories. What's that? Is that like 50 bucks? What did you spend on that? Something like that.

I'm touched. I'm touched. I didn't know you were such a big fan of Nicole Kidman. I fucking hate her. I know. Every movie that has Nicole Kidman is just Nicole Kidman playing a character. She's never...

The character. Yeah. But if Nicole Kidman... She's an Australian sweetheart and you hate an Australian sweetheart. And I said to Laura, I said, who does he hate? And she has to go to someone so uber famous

that it's never going to happen and ruin my plan. Did you message her? No. No. I just messaged the african dancers and they were like we'll do it what are they what's that on how do you even book them top secret they're close friends of mine yeah very good all topless all topless yeah so is the photo of you yeah do you reckon they were like what the fuck is this when probably when they saw nicole kim and were like, probably put it in their portfolio. Of famous people. People who have booked them.

Yeah. So I've done a few people favors here. Do you request them to include the photo or is that part of the package? It's part of the package. Love that. And thank you, Keish, for the photo. What month is your birthday?

I'm not telling. Fucking tell us No because I did the research on you I even chat GPT'd And it gave me the wrong date Remember it said me April It definitely wasn't April Am I close?

Have I got three, four months? Oh you're very close Oh yours is coming up Okay Who is your favourite actor? Gotta be Steve Carell close give me oh yours is coming up okay who is who is your favorite actor oh it's got to be steve carell okay leave it you got a lot of work to do my friend leave it with me anyway happy birthday i was going to get them to say happy 40th birthday thought that might be a bit of a dig so little prankster little prankster why did you why didn't you do that what made you stop

uh i was drunk and I forgot. Well, thank you. Classic move from me. It's good to be back. It's good to be back. It is nice to have you back. I think we had the first two days of the trip, we didn't really speak.

And then I think we spoke pretty much every couple of hours after that. What's happening? Laura would always be like, I'd have like a little snicker to myself as I was looking at my phone. And then Laura's like, is that Ash? Is it? Who are you messaging? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yep. But it was good. It was a good trip. The trip was good. It looked nice. I mean, Fiji is beautiful. Fiji is lovely. Ash, it it really is it's not too far away either i think uh four hour flight which is just the absolute dream um before before we went

on the trip laura was you know she's very excited it's a honeymoon okay yeah and like all good honeymoons you want to have a bit of sexy time oh yeah and uh and both laura myself extremely busy in the couple of weeks leading up to the date that we left so you know for us pre-trip no sexy time just dancing with the stars we couldn't yeah dancing with the stars was was the priority and so me and laura were like hey when we get to fiji we're gonna lock the kids in a cupboard somewhere yeah we're gonna get it on they'll only be there for a couple minutes so it's all good yeah maybe six seven at the absolute most but laura and i were thinking we're gonna have like daytime sex we're gonna have sex you know like in the bedroom we're gonna have we're gonna check in and at reception pretty much have sex there like we're just gonna

fuck the whole time we're like yeah oh my gosh and we've got we've got this great little infinity pool and you know maybe hey maybe we'll have a little frisker session in there who knows who knows but we're gonna we're gonna make sure that we like work our way around the island nice in the apartment outside the apartment and that was the plan and we get on the plane um leaving sydney and then laura looks at me with a really concerned expression on her face. And I was thinking, fuck, what have we forgotten? What have we, you know, what's going on? And she goes, I've got my period.

Oh, my God. Period of day one of the trip. Yeah. Oh, my God. And I was like, okay. Such a buzzkill. It's a bit of a buzzkill. I mean, it sucks more for them. I suppose I should just add that in there. But like, okay. Such a buzzkill. It's a bit of a buzzkill. I mean, it sucks more for them.

I suppose I should just add that in there. But look, yeah, buzzkill. But I was like, look, it's a small little bump in the road. Yeah. We're not going to let this ruin the trip. You can still jerk me off. It's fine. But then we get to Fiji. And we've been watching the weather app the whole time.

You're like, what's it going to be like? Stalking the weather, yeah. Every second of the day. And it was beautiful, sunny. Every single day we were there. Tops of 29. Ah, coming out of winter. Looking forward to it, yeah.

Perfect. Day one, because we land in fiji pretty late like we get in just on sunset so next morning we wake up it's howling wind it's howling it's fucking like 22 degrees which is not a disaster but it's just not you can't comfortably sit by the pool it's too much wind too much wind you don't want wind on a honeymoon no period and wind women hate wind myself included yeah oh you got hair yeah mate this this thing i want to be looking good so we're like hey this is fine this is fine drop the kids in kids club and we're like we can we can go for a swim by the pool and no one is by the pool because it's just fucking it's not pool

weather this is cyclone and then cyclone season and then we pick up marley that afternoon from kids club she's got conjunctivitis oh fuck's sake yeah from kids club you reckon yeah well um who knows daycare i don't know she's she's this thing had just been lurking there and then it was like... Kids are just full of diseases. And why does it come out as soon as we go overseas? Nightmare. Nightmare. Next day, Ash. Next day.

I should mention also the fact that Lola, really allergic to mosquito bites. They just, they flare up. Is that what that was? Did you see that photo? I did, yeah. I was like... A bit young for acne. The first night, she woke up in the morning and she'd just been on like six or

seven mosquito bites all over her face they were fine in the morning but as the day progressed they start to flare up oh my god so i'm thinking to myself this is a holiday that we've been excited for for fucking months yeah and i'm like is this gonna be a disaster is this gonna be i'm like we're trying to stay positive. Like this is. your day two in and like already a few things have gone wrong. This is going to be good. It got better.

It got better. The weather cleared up. Period. We, we worked through that issue. I won't go into details. Please don't. I do not need to know.

But yeah, rocky start, but then it came good. The weather was beautiful and it was just, we had an epic nanny as well that we booked through the villa. And kids club, I wasn't sure if the kids would hate it or be into it, but- Too bad. And they loved it. Because, what, Lola's two and a bit. Lola's two.

Can she go in at two? So we... She's as big as a four-year-old. Yeah, she's like, how old is she? She's seven. She's 15. Send her in. But we went with Laura's sister.

So Laura's sister has two kids with our two kids. They all kind of went as a team, plus the nanny as well. So they were fine. I feel like you have to adjust to living on the island. You know, island time. Yeah, they definitely operate on their own clock. They're very chilled. They're very chilled.

And I remember we dropped them off at kids club, said to the nanny, hey, just so you know, Lola and Tassie, that's Laura's sister's kid, they're similar age. They come back at midday for a nap. They'll have like an hour and a half nap. Is that all right? And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's totally fine.

Not a problem. So, you know, when you come back, come back at midday, nap time, all sorted, thumbs up. We're locked in. Good for the afternoon. Yeah. And then we're chilling in the villa. It's only like 12, 15. And we think, oh shit, they're not back yet. It's not's not massive but to get around you have to call a buggy from reception

and um and i i messaged the nanny because we were on whatsapp with them and i say hey you you're good to come back it's 12 15 now the kids need a nap and she's like yeah yeah i'm currently organizing the kids i'll be back in a second. I'm like, great, great, great. It's like 1230. Still no kids. And, you know, for anyone who doesn't have kids, they run on a strict routine. You know, it gets to like... Yeah, you've stuffed the routine up. You stuff your whole afternoon up.

And then they're cranky. Right? And it's like, you know, kids are fine until 1150. 1155, they're like, I'm going to go to fucking sleep. Yeah. I'm tired now. Anyway, I'm calling her now on WhatsApp being like, hey, just seeing where you are.

And she's like, oh, I'm just waiting on a buggy. I'll be there in a second. So by the time the kids come back, it's like one o'clock. And then after the kids go to bed, I pull the babysitter aside and I'm like, hey. Can you discipline her? No. I didn't want to be this strict.

She obviously doesn't understand that it's so vitally important. Maybe with island kids it's not so important, but I don't know. But, yeah, so I was like, I just want to explain to her. I was like, you know, it's now 1 o'clock. It's an hour past their bedtime. We just really need to make sure that we get them in bed by midday. And she's like, no, no, it's okay. She's gone rogue and i was like oh what no thing is like it's it's not okay because they really have to be in bed by a certain time

and i was like trying to be really polite to her and she looks at me and she goes nah nah it's all good and you politely sacked her on the spot. I was like, how can I be more specific? She knows more than you, Matthew. Yeah, she was like, shut up. You're on an island. She's probably raised about 15 kids here. Who's this white boy trying to tell me how to look after these kids? Literally.

I was like, well, I guess, hey, we're all good. And the thing is with the Fijian, they're always a lovely lady. Oh, she's beautiful. Kids loved her. Yeah, it was funny because one of the teachers at our kindies is a Fijian, Khaleesi or Felici, something like that. Lovely, amazing. And when we went to Fiji with the kids,

Oscar was just calling all of them Khaleesi. Obviously, he's so young young he doesn't understand but like yeah they're probably just like we don't work on no schedules bro like even um there was a few nights where so we would normally have her until like five o'clock and then a few nights we wanted to have a nice parent evening kids away at home and so we would book her but the last uh she would she would go back to the mainland so the last boat was at 9 30 okay yeah yeah and so we kind of what time do you need to be down at the jetty by to get that boat and she's like oh she's like if you're back by like 9 30 that's fine and we're like oh but isn't the last boat at 9 30 and she's

like yeah and we're like so but if we're back at 9 30 like you have to get down to the jetty and she's like yeah 9 35 9 40 like whatever like she probably knows them but she probably knows that they'll wait for it they probably know she's there totally and they're probably thinking no nanny left behind right yeah and i think the first two or three days it i think everyone's the same they come in and they're like you know fucking sydney people so high strung she's probably used to dealing with you every day like where are my kids oh my god it's 12 15 she's like shut up but it was good kids loved her weather was amazing laura and i on the day of my birthday she organized a

snorkel trip so we had like three and three and a half hours just just laura and me on a boat and it was fucking beautiful did you hit the carver we didn't know there was no carver why did i just see some video of you like dancing around like you'd bloody you're possessed no that was um i was doing the rosés rosé carver it's all the same thing yeah traditional fijian rosé got me good 23 a glass i was like do we get the drinks package but it was great it was great i um you know i love i love snorkel you do i love i can't do it what do you mean i can't do it you can't swim or i can swim fine thank you it's the snorkeling for me. Which part? Just the whole thing.

I don't know. I find that I can't breathe in it. So a few years ago, before kids, April and I did like a big trip through Southeast Asia. It was like four months through Southeast Asia. And we went to Cambodia. And the south coast of Cambodia is beautiful. Anyway, you can go out really cheap to island hopping and snorkeling we hired like a boat for like it was like a hundred bucks for like the whole day beautiful fishing like swimming beautiful and

one of it was snorkeling but at this point you'd snorkeled before right it wasn't as if you were i'd snorkeled before but same thing i just't as if you were... I'd snorkeled before, but same thing. I just find I can't breathe through the tube. Gotcha. There's not enough oxygen for me. It's just how you do it. Anyway. How long can you last? About 10 seconds.

I'm like, give me that. Whenever I go snorkelingling I usually chuck some goggles on hold my breath and just go down and do what I need to do but I just don't like it do not

like it and on this particular occasion after I had tried it a few times and whatever because I was you know in my 20s does April like it I think she

give or take she doesn't really care you're not snorkeling she doesn't give a shit she just is out yeah anyway and in Southeast Asia as you do I think she Give or take She doesn't really care You're not snorkeling She doesn't give a shit She just is out Yeah Anyway In Southeast Asia

As you do As a young backpacker You drink a lot Yeah You drink a lot of beers So Obviously I'm probably on the back

Of a three month How times have changed Ash What's You're not a backpacker anymore What's your excuse I've got kids Two of them So yeah so yeah did you have and a beer

sponsor so you're backpacking backpacking had a big night and like look we've been drinking on this boat too and we're with some people from melbourne that we met like it was a cool little private little dinghy boat in the middle of this beautiful don't get me wrong and we stopped to do some snorkeling and everyone's like yay snorkeling i can't fucking wait great i'm still a little bit seedy from the day before i'm like coming good put the snorkel on hop in the water i'm okay the first or second time I like kind of dip my head down and I think the second or third time I've spewed up into the tube oh shit but it's gone up the shoe April said she just saw this thing bubble out of the tube and then what didn't bubble out has just sucked back into my throat and I've swallowed it back down.

Sorry about that. Oh, my God. I'm fucking dry reaching. Gross, eh? Look, for me at the time, very gross because it just started a really bad cycle of me vomiting. Discontinuinguing for that small, I was like,

and then it was in the water and then the fish would come up. It was fucking great. Anyway, we got out of there real quick, but yeah, I can't do the snorkeling thing. I can't. And like, I've noticed with you and your holidays,

holidays, you always find somewhere to snorkel. It'd be like, you could be in the outback Australia, be like, look, here's a really good little pond we can snorkel in. I love it. I love it. Nothing makes me happier than being fully submerged in a large body of water.

A whole new world. Literally, that's my jam. I always thought you were this, A whole new world. Literally. That's my jam. I always thought you were this, I guess up until now, a perfect man. But I've just found your Achilles heel. That's one thing I just don't like. Which is so weird because you surf. You're a water child.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe something happened in a previous life. Let's not try and make it complicated. I just get claustrophobic with the tiny little... Not everyone can breathe through a tiny tube. Something I'm very good at. You seem to be. Do you scuba dive?

Oh, no way would I ever know. No. I'd end up on the news. I'd be the guy on the news. I'd be like, well, some say he vomited so much in his suit that he took it in within every orifice of his body and he died. Thoughts and prayers. Yeah, he drowned in his own vomit in the bottom of the ocean.

Some say good riddance. You're shocked. I am shocked right now. I'm shocked right now. I feel like I want to take you snorkeling so I can clear you of this like fear of the small tube come with me on a holiday ash done let's go let's go now uh what else what else have you missed since you've been away i don't know if you saw

matthew but uh for oscar birthday, I bought him a kite. Oh, you did that little cheeky video of... Actually, there's a video with no Oscar, just you running laps up and down the park with a kite. Is that the kite you're talking about? Yeah. So, no one told me that kiting is hard. I was not expecting it. So, we bought this kite. And that's the thing with kids when you buy them hard. I was not expecting it.

So we bought this kite. And that's the thing with kids and you buy them something, they want to use it immediately. But kite, not the case. It wasn't windy for like two weeks. And Oscar didn't quite understand that. So for every day for two weeks, he was like, can we fly the kite?

Not windy. It's not windy enough. Was it actually not windy enough or were you just making up excuses? Bit of both. Yeah, great. Yeah, 50-50. Yeah. Two weeks I had to endure this.

And look, I'm never buying him a toy again that he can't use immediately. I think there's, you know, we said there's no advice. Here's some advice. Get a toy they can use instantly. Because kids have zero patience. They don't understand it doesn't it's not something that they have within their like little tiny kid mind anyway eventually we get a nice windy day as a friday everyone was at home it wasn't weekend sport so there's a

soccer field just up from us great a big sun sun was out was it blowing like 24 knots i don't fucking know what that is me either it was blowing in a direction yeah and it was constant enough to hold a kite up potentially

I'm imagining right now you've got this like windsock set up at the backyard of your house and every morning Oscar does he's like

look let's go quick get in the car yeah he's just running an airport in the backyard and I was like okay let's go down and I was in the car with april and i turned to her and i said do you know how to fly a kite

you don't have your kite license do you and she was like no do you i was like quick i i google it i fly kites like i snorkel i was like google it Hungover and vomiting. Just Google like a quick tutorial. But it's like you just release it, right? You just like. Well, you think that. I haven't flown a kite.

There's a couple of things you shouldn't mix. Please, enlighten me. You shouldn't mix string and toddler. Yeah. That's rule number one. It's like tangle heaven. We get there. I'm like looking at this kite going.

Many other kite flyers at the park? No. You're the only one. Which is also quite, I get anxiety just thinking about the fact that other parents are there going, oh, fucking dad with a kite, right? Let's see what he's got.

Yeah, there was a guy like doing the lines of the soccer field. He was looking at me. Yeah. He was looking at me. Yeah. the soccer field. He was looking at me. Yeah. He was looking at me. Nervous? He was intimidated. Yeah. And I set this thing up.

First of all, it was backwards. I was trying to catch wind in the wrong part. It didn't go up. But then I didn't realize how aggressive it could be once I've got it up. So I'm like, but the thing is, Oscar's like, can I have a tan? I'm like, I can't even get it going, mate. What fucking chance do you have? And there was some of that video where I was just like, fuck it.

I'm just going to run really fast with it. And April was just laughing her head off at this fucking fully grown man trying to fly a kite. It's like wrestling a wild animal. I couldn't get it off. I couldn't. Eventually when I did get it up in the air i was like look at this babe and oscar was like it's scary and i was like because it's like a dragon shape it's not just your run-of-the-mill triangle diamond whatever you've gone all out you've got the animal well

i went to get the cheap one they've sold out so yeah the expensive one didn't i because he wanted a kite so bad anyway so eventually i figured it out i'm like okay i just you know tinkered with it a little bit like so that it was the right angle at this point are you how many minutes in are you 20 minutes half an hour shit okay hour in okay and i think the whole time oscar's been like i want I'm scared. Meanwhile, Macy's legging it away from this scary dragon. But the thing is, it was so windy that when it got in the air, it was like fucking flailing about. It was a wild dragon.

And then it would hit the deck so hard. And then eventually the string got tangled. And then Oscar comes over to help me with the string. And then Oscar got fucking tangled. Then Oscar goes to run away. And because he's tangled, he's tripped over and he's fallen over. And there's tears. Anyway, long story short, we have thrown the kite out.

Yeah, I'll get rid of it. And more advice from me, don't buy a kite. No. Honestly, it's harder than parenting. It's like Play-Doh. I fucking hate Play-Doh. It stinks. It feels weird on your hand.

It leaves awful residue on your fingers. And you have to watch them like a hawk. The moment you stop watching your kids with Play-Doh, it ends up on the carpet. It ends up in their hair. It ends up on their shirts. They eat it? Lola, she will eat absolutely anything.

I look over and she's like half a tub down just licking her fingers and I'm like stop eating the play-doh and then I really like

this red one did you see the review that someone left? I don't go through them that much. It was good. It was good. They said, we want more of that song. They want me singing.

I'm releasing a single. It's funny that. Maybe at some point, either on the anniversary of our first episode, we can do an extended release on Spotify. With a music video. A cover. Just an idea. idea throwing it out there love it anyone that knows how to produce a music video please hit us up right now because that is

something i want to do how hard could it be can't be that hard if i'm the talent's the hardest part you've already got that yeah i've got this comedic voice that's honestly nasally singing. Tell me lies, tell me... Shut the fuck up. Stop it right now. Okay. Have you told any lies recently? I feel like I'm consistently lying all the fucking time to my kids.

April? No, I would never lie to April. I don't think I... I actually... I've just been bribing my kids when I was away over in Fiji. But I have had some very good lies submitted by the listeners, Ash. If I can quickly read you one, if I may. Yeah, and I've got one that someone sent too.

I've sent someone... Someone has sent me a meme, though, that's a really great lie that people would have heard of before. It's quite lengthy so you do yours first ash shut up it's i thought you saw this message no no no no because it's i don't read the dm it's it's very very very similar to your kite story but um but i'll read you this message this is from lauren lauren's Loz, lovely to get your message. She says,

Hey, Two Doting Dads. I love the podcast, except for Ash's voice. That's made up. Yeah, that was... I like that. Very clever. I'm a stepmom of three

and find your content relatable and hilarious. I didn't have to read this front part, but I just... Give us a bloody... A little pash of the ego. Yeah. I do have to read this front part but i just give us a bloody little patch of the ego i do have to confess though i tell my eight-year-old stepson a lie regularly my parents bought him a kite for his sixth birthday so that's two years ago and i've been telling this boy for the last two years it's not the right weather to fly a kite light breeze nah sorry mate

howling winds oh nah mate just blowing in the wrong direction gale force winds no way you get blown away with the kite why i don't really know i couldn't think of anything worse than standing outside picking up the same kite that hasn't taken off for the 50th time and launching it back up into the sky. It's not for me. It's just not windy enough. That's great. I didn't even see that message.

Did you write that in? No, it's not for me. Are you pretending to be Lauren there? No, Definitely not. It's amazing. That's coincidence. It's kite season, I guess. I would love to know how many...

If there is any parent out there who genuinely has had a successful day flying a kite with a toddler, do you exist? Are you out there? The fuck thing is, this is legitimately true is yesterday we went up to this skate park that's like a big park as well but it's pretty quiet

and a family comes along with their kite flies it perfectly ah like i'm looking up at this thing were they dressed in suits hair perfect who are these people are they real sweat bands it was like a sport for them. Disgusting. The kids were like, anyway, so maneuver. And I'm like, show off. This is very heavy on the kite content. But you know in Bali, they have those kites that fly above the rice fields?

Oh, yeah. And they just sit there perfectly. Like, no one's even manning the kite. A scarecrow is holding onto that thing. Like, it's perfect. That's what it was like. Whenever I see that, that really entices me of like my internally. It brings out your aviation enthusiasm.

It taps into that. My mouth starts watering and I'm like, maybe I should get a kite. And then I speak to you. You tie your toddler up with the string. Yeah. And then throw it out. I've hidden it at least. Anyway, that's a coincidence. Yeah. Talk about coincidence. I've hidden it at least. Anyway, that's coincidence.

Yeah, talk about coincidences. Well, definitely wasn't me. I do want to go through someone sent... This is only like yesterday or today. But someone sent... Can I just say, please, just really quickly, I do read the DMs and I reply to people and I enjoy it. And a lot of people say, when I reply, they go,

I didn't think anyone would reply to this. See what I'm doing? I'm setting a standard and you're just... No, we want to hear from people. Message in. I'm there. You won't hear from Ash. You'll hear from me.

And I welcome them with open arms. I sign off that it's Ash, if it's ever made. I've seen your fucking replies. You're like, cool story. Thanks. Whereas I'm like, like oh tell me more susan oh fuck off what's your lie tell me okay so some this is the this is you would know this it's a meme as well yep sometimes i put movies on that are in spanish and when my kids get really confused and ask why they can't understand it, I tell them that they're just tired and should probably take a nap. Right?

Fucking brilliant. Brilliant. But then when they wake up from the nap, I put the same movie on in English and they think they're all better. Well played, sir. Bravo. That's great. I think like, look, I'm going to give it a go.

That's very manipulative. Yeah. You're a psychopath. Like in an impressive way. I'm not judging. I'm saying well done. That's great. Yeah.

I think that's outstanding parenting. You have tried it or you will try it? I'm going to give it a go. Yeah. See what the outcome is. I feel like Macy will be like, Ash, you've just put it on. Clearly it's in Portuguese whereas Oscar would be like

oh my god hey they've both come out speaking fluid Portuguese yeah we'll show you idiot yeah we can watch anything alright Ash

before we go we do have time I think very quickly for some listener questions love them this is my I would say my favourite part of the podcast.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine's just getting a look at your face. Ah, you are. Uninterrupted. Such a beautiful man. That's a lie. Okay, question number one is potty training.

How the hell do you do it? On a whim and a prayer. on a whim and a prayer uh look i've i only potty trained oscar in the last three months before returning for let's just say in the last six months i'm still gonna wipe yeah last night i said to him i might look next poo you do give it a crack no mate you can't do that it's it's because this morning marley was like i'm gonna do a wee and she's pretty good now and we's like yeah fine i don't care like whether you wipe or you don't wipe dry yeah yeah fine we we went to daycare i came back and she'd gone through like two fucking toilet rolls on the floor like it was no i'm gonna ration the toilet i'm gonna give

them a square yeah make make it work so that yeah toilet paper. I'm going to give them a square. Yeah. Make it work. So you have to give them a limited supply. Okay. Marley got into the toilet. She was just like going nuts. Yeah. Macy does that, but she just does it because it's fun.

Yeah. I get it. So what was... Can I ask, Ash? What was the kind of... Bribery. Signal? What was the kind of signal?

What was the signal where you guys went, okay, cool. Oscar's ready for potty training. Probably when I, he pooped in a nappy, right? Yeah. I opened it up. My finger slipped into it. And I thought to myself. We're done.

I'm not fucking doing this anymore. Yeah. You can get out of my house. No. I'm not fucking doing this anymore. Yeah. You can get out of my house. No, I was like, this is fucked. I was like, I'm essentially cleaning a grown human's asshole. I'm not a nurse. He's four. Anyway, and then I just said, look,

originally he was petrified of the toilet. Yeah. Like, I'm talking, sitting there going... I don't want to do it. Crying. And I had to either bribe him or threaten him that I'm going to flush him down if he doesn't do it. And then eventually... We got there. We got there.

Now he's like, I always, he always goes, oh, I need to do a poo. I'm like, go on then. And then he goes like two minutes later,

he's like, I'm done. I'm like, oh, just fell out of you. He likes that. Little dad joke for you i'm still gonna wipe it but it's also the hardest part initially when they start because the first week the first two weeks sucks it's awful it's the pits because you just every 20 minutes you have to take them to the toilet and go time for a wee and just like you'll sit there you wait you. You might get a wee, you might not.

Next 20 minutes, go again. And you obviously forget. It'll be like an hour and you go, shit. And then you look over, there's a puddle on the floor. You have to prepare yourself for the fact that you have to go everywhere with like three pairs of undies and pants. And also, it sucks if you think you're going to do a really quick car trip and then all of a sudden piss in

a seat and then you're like oh i've been in the car for like half an hour and you're like you look over and you're like are you gonna piss please don't or shit don't do it don't it's it's very stressful it's a very stressful period i think if you shame them enough they're not gonna just do it so let's go with that and on that note we'll go to the next question matthew uh is man flu a real thing or is it an excuse to get out of your responsibilities look it's a very good question and i will be honest here i'm going to let you in on some medical knowledge that dr matthew j johnson i can't remember where i read this but it is it's fact that man flu is a real thing it's i think on average diagnosed medically diagnosed man flu is

3.5 times more severe than a normal female flu absolutely it's there's not enough awareness i would say i liken it to childbirth. I would say it's on par. On par, yeah. And we're going to get cancelled for that. It's really bloody bad. I wish when I got the flu, I don't want to lay in bed all day and be on TikTok and Instagram.

I want to be there with Laura. That sounds amazing. In the trenches. I want to be in the trenches. God, I want to be there as well, flying kites with the amazing in the trenches i want to be in the trenches god i want to be there as well flying kites with the kids in the park i want that ash i wish i wish i wasn't so ill that i cannot parent i know and look i'm very guilty of if i'm like april's very like april's like oh i'm not feeling well i might go for a, do a full day's work, go to the gym. I'm like, I'm not feeling well.

I'm just not going to leave the bed today. I think Laura is like, at the drop of a hat, she will be absolutely fine. And then she'll go, oh my God, I'm so queasy. Oh my God, I think I'm going to throw up. And I'm like, from what? Like, what is it? Like literally walking on the pavement.

And she's like, oh my God, I'm going to walking on the pavement and she's like oh my god i'm gonna throw up next thing she's like i'm fine who the fuck did that rogue illness just come from and then she's brand new so you know what my immune system is even stronger now there it is whereas i don't do that when i get sick it happens it's severe it's intense and it's over in a couple of days yeah whereas laura i also have to say that laura is going to edit this podcast so i'll just take the opportunity laura to tell you that i love you you're amazing you're beautiful but you're always sick and i'm fed up of it but i love you more than anything okay i would say man flu is 100 real and it's an epidemic and you need to give us and every other man out there as much sympathy as possible.

As much sympathy as possible. Should we take a moment for all the men who may be suffering or about to suffer? Maybe jerk me off. That's what I'm saying. What's the cue of a man fluke? Getting jerked off. Get jerked off. Jerk it out of me.

And on that, Matthew, that's all we have time for. We better get out of here. There's only one thing that'll kill this man. We need to jerk it out of him. There's more in there. On the hour, every hour. There's nothing coming out. You've done your job.

I'm killing. I'm back. I'm sick again. It really took a turn, didn't it? Sure did. Anyway, that's all we have time for.

And again, thank you for joining us. Leave a review. Follow, subscribe. If you have, if you, I'll say,

I've said it before. I'll say it again. If you give us a nice compliment on dms on instagram they're pointless it's not a good deed because i'm reading it no one else is i need any love and affection to be public okay i'm very needy i want others to know that you like us so if you do want to say something nice there's only one place for it even if you don't want to say anything nice i couldn't give two shits you know it's So if you do want to say something nice, there's only one place for it. Even if you don't want to say anything nice, I couldn't give two shits. You know, it's karma. If you want good karma coming your way, write a review on Apple Podcasts.

Maybe we'll do a competition for the best review. Genius. Marketing genius. Writing it down. I will jerk you off. Matthew, see you next time. Bye-bye. Bye.

See you later.