Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Should I be concerned about my toddler's murderous screams?

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

We're doing things a little differently this week and kicking off with a question - Should I be concerned about my toddler's murderous screams? Long story short, no because it's totally normal. Matty J can talk from experience after Lola has just decided to dive into the 'terribly 2s' phase and provide their household with unrelenting screams for the last week. OH WHAT FUN! The boys also give their advice (which isn't actually advice) on how to deal with these situations. We'll be sharing your best Parenting Lies for the last time for a little while. But don't worry, we're just giving this segment a cheeky holiday for a few weeks. We also have a crack at answering your parenting questions: How much screen time do you give your kids? Have you ever taken a parenting course - was it worth it? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Can I just pull you up on something? The phone call that we had as I was driving to your house, I just really didn't appreciate that. Well, be on time for once. You fucking put me all over social media. You said I was late. You said I'll be there at 10. I said 10 to 10.30.

That's what someone who is running late would say. Yeah, well, your arrogance. You can't buy 30 minutes. You called me and the first thing you said was, so how long is it going to be? How late are you? 20 minutes? 40?

What's it going to be? And I was right. So what does that say? Fuck you. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. Who happens to be... On time today.

Who happens to be a massive, massive count. Can we say that in the podcast? Nah, you can't say that in the opening. Okay, we'll keep it in there and I'll never say it again. This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And as always, we will not be giving you any type of advice.

Well, speak for yourself, mate, because I'm dishing it out left, right and center. God help us all. I'm changing it up. I'm dishing it out left, right, and center. God help us all. I'm changing it up. I'm just going to give nothing but advice in this podcast. Shit advice. Like how to be on time. Oh, hang on. Before I forget, we had the Father's Day competition.

I am stoked to announce that we have a winner, and it is Brit. Congratulations. Well done to you and your hubby. He will now be receiving a $500 voucher from Lululemon. So I hope that makes his Father's Day just a little bit more special. Congratulations. Thank you all for the entries and happy Father's Day. Well deserved.

Now, this morning I was a little bit late you know what I even there was a part of me last night before I went to bed I thought could I could I get the kids ready get them to daycare go for a little run like a half an hour run and then get to Ash's house which for people who don't know it's an hour hour drive. From me to you is an hour. I was fucking kidding myself. I do it just as much and I'm on time every time. I'm irritatingly early most of the time. I told you last record, I said, come at 10.30.

What time did I get there? Five past 10. Five past 10. Look, I've been battling with the kids, Ash. I'm going to go into a story, but it's also very timely because we got a question from a listener, which normally we do the listener questions at the very end. We will still do that.

You're going to make an exception, aren't we? A little cheeky side burp. That was. The silent burp. It was like this. People are going to be listening going, is there a gas leak at Ash's house? No, he's just one big gas leaky person.

So, yeah, we will do listener questions, listener lessons. I was like, is that a new segment? A new segment, listener lessons. We'll do them at the end, but this one. Special case, is it? Yeah, special case. Okay. Okay, let me just pull up the ipad i love the drawing

on the back of that ipad i've noticed this drawing on that chair there too and yesterday i found next to the chair upstairs on the walls a little smiley face man in texter and i was like the fuck and april said to oscar like when did do that? It's like after daddy yelled at me. And I was like, that's a spiteful drawing. That'll fucking learn you. Yeah. Yeah, he's communicating through drawings. Okay. Okay, let's go into the question.

So. Lay it on me. This one is from Amy. And she asks, did your kids ever go through a phase of screaming like they were being murdered? If so, how did you overcome it? Block them out, I guess. I'm pretty good at that.

Look, yes, they definitely go through phases of just screaming for no reason. I'm just trying to think of how I would have dealt with it. I would have just screamed back. We've done that a few times. Where you're just like, they're like, ah! You're like, ah! I have a few times gone, I can scream louder than you. And that's usually a good kind of like, oh, shit.

And then Oscar's going, well, give me the text up. I'm just going to draw on the wall. You know, we mentioned last episode, Ash, that Lola was sick. She had the ear infection on Maggie Island. On Maggie Island. And she's still, the doctor, when we went to see them on the island, she wouldn't give us any antibiotics because she was like,

no, it's not. Well, the kids around here, what they do is they just fucking get on with it. And I was like, well, it makes sense. She was saying that it's not severe enough to warrant antibiotics and it's better for the immune system. There's a lot of like country doctor happening here where they're like, yep, they probably saw a pig and a goat before they saw Lola. And they were just like, it's not that severe.

Get on with it. Get this. I'm like, what's that? Teaspoon of cement. Smack her over the head with a stick. She'll get over it. Do you want me to even it up and whack you in the other side of the head? So I didn't get the antibiotics.

And this flu virus earache, it's lingered. It's lingered. And last night, we almost went to hospital. Oh, my God. Another hospital visit for the Johnsons clogging up the system. Hey, my mum told me a visit for the Johnsons clogging up the system. Hey, hey. My mum told me a story of her sister had an earache when they were younger and it was ignored by the parents.

Her eardrum- Burst. Burst. Deaf in one ear. So that's the thought in the back of my head because Lola's- I thought you were going to be like, she died. I thought there was going to be like a decent ending to that story. No, she's deaf in one ear.

She's got two ears. She'd be fine. One doesn't work. Yeah. One doesn't work. Yeah, but one does. Yeah, but- You've got to stop looking at the cup half empty and look at it half full.

Well, I don't want to be responsible for making my child half deaf. No, I agree. I agree. I agree. Ash. I thought that story was going to be like a really terminal finish. No, it still is. Ignored it.

Turns out it was ear cancer. Now she's dead. No, but that's still- Stage four. You're deaf in one ear. That's pretty severe. That's a lifelong- That's just an ailment.

Exactly. That's with you for life. It's one of your major senses. Okay. Yes. Hospital, again, for the Johnsons. So when Lola was sick and we were away and she was waking up in the middle of the night,

the easiest way to get her back to sleep and to comfort her just give her like something to make it less painful was give her a bottle of milk which we had stopped doing yeah why like it just she just like it's crack for her it's like she just loves that she fucking loves the milk good for the bones too yeah good. So for three or four nights whilst we're away, we've been giving her the bottle every single night when she would wake up

and then the fucking issue is she's in this routine now of like- She has to have a bottle. She wants the bottle. She's had a taste of that crack. She's on the pipe. Yeah. She's like-

She's a meth head. Where's the lighter? Fully. And last night, she woke up, maybe like 11 o'clock screaming, fucking screaming like she was being murdered. And she was just like nothing could console her, not me, not Laura. And me and Laura were like, fuck, it's the earache.

Let's take her to hospital. I was literally about to start packing my backpack to take her to hospital, 11 o'clock at night that's the worst awful and then we thought hang on let's just let's just give her a bottle of milk and see if that stops her and so we gave her the bottle of milk like within a millisecond she was like cheers oh she's on to you she's on to it it. But these tantrums. Now, this morning we thought, okay, that's the end of it. That's fine. This morning we had another tantrum, Ash. Okay.

And I'm at my wit's end. Did you give her a bottle of milk this morning? Yeah, I did. And it shut her up again? So she's on to it. Give her a bottle of warm milk. No, this one didn't work. The bottle didn't work this time.

Oh, okay. So she's just decided to start screaming for no reason. Is she in pain at all? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm not a doctor. Every episode I'm going out. Sounds like you're going towards a diagnosis.

No, no. Maybe she just hates you. Okay, let me. She does hate you. I know that. She does hate me. Let me show you a video of Lola of how she was this morning. Okay.

Is this after you've tried everything and she just yeah and just for any non-parents out there who may be going why everyone films their kids having a meltdown this was i've got a folder this was because like sometimes you just can't they just won't snap out of it and you're like you need to be able to have video evidence so you can show them back and go, this is what you did to me. 100%. I'm fine with it. So, yeah, for just to like- And the people that aren't fine with it, go and fuck yourself.

So, yeah, to give context, she had had some breakfast. She'd slept. She was like- The room temperature was beautiful. It was sunny outside. 22, exactly. She was fine. There was nothing wrong with it.

She just wanted to. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Before I even press play, I can see the face. She even looked to see if you were paying attention before she went and had another crack at it. Look, she's like, realised that no one, that you stopped paying attention to her.

And she's like, okay, I'm completely fine. Now she's, you are still paying attention. So that's what I had to deal with this morning oh my gosh on wednesdays laura's out the door at like 7 15 she's got a massive day of work i'm there with the kids it took me just to give you some idea of like why i was late i was dealing with that for two fucking hours i'm sorry that i've made that phone call and then i call you the attitude you give me is it's not fucking needed and also to make matters worse it's fucking book week oh my god as well painful and so i'm dealing with that and then marley's there going why am i not dressing up and i'm like because we've got nothing left we like am i the

only daycare that's doing book week and not just book day it's book week i know like thankfully uh oscar goes to two different kindies so the first two days then he goes to two days another one so we just re-wear what it which is fine because it's two different kindies and macy only goes two days so yesterday she went as the yellow wiggle which actually i want to show you that because it's pretty cute. She's got red hair like Emma used to have. Oh, my gosh. Yesterday when we put it on her, she was just like, she knew.

Does she love it? Yeah, she loves it. But she went as Minnie Mouse today. That is gorgeous. But, yeah, look. Did Oscar ever have those periods where he would just- He's still having them. So, this morning, okay, we get-

What's April gets home from the gym? Say 6.30. He's still in my bed on his phone. Yes, his phone. Anyway, just keep him quiet. All right. He's four. And I turned the light on.

Melt down because I've turned the light on. How fucking dare you? Turn the light off. Melt down because I've turned the light on. How fucking dare you? Turn the light off, meltdown, because I've turned the light off. I can't win. Like, for fuck's sake. And I was like, so I turned the light on. I got changed. You need to get a dimmer.

I'm going to cry poor again. We're too poor for dimmers in this house. I turned the light on to get dressed so I could be ready because I wanted to go for a run myself to get back, to get rid of the kids to kindy as quickly and as early as possible. So I turn the light on. I get dressed. He's having a meltdown while I'm getting dressed.

I'm just ignoring him at this point because, mate, it's 6.30 in the morning. Fucking get over it. But I was like, just keep my mouth shut. He'll get over it. Turn the light off. And I walked down the stairs and I heard him have a fucking meltdown about turning the light off.

I was like, which one is it, man? Do you want it on or do you want it off? And he just wanted to have a fucking whinge about it. And I was like. So, like, what do you. I'm down here in the kitchen and I just yell out, get over it, bro. Dealt with. He got over it eventually but like seriously it has to i don't know if it's the same for you but

because marley used to have these meltdowns around the same age around two stupidly as well laura and i kind of the other night said lola's never had those meltdowns that marley had and here we fucking are yeah but you just got to let it run its course and a little bit like that yeah we just like this morning just ignore them if you've tried if it's over nothing then yeah ignore it but if the if it's a serious issue like this again this morning macy she's not quite as old as lola she's not two yet i come down and she's the dishwasher's open and she's in the dishwasher essentially going, rocking up against the fucking baskets in the dishwasher. And I was like, get down. And she just meltdown.

Like, you were doing the wrong thing. Like, and then a meltdown. And it's like, why is she in the fucking dishwasher anyway? Yesterday, she's up on the table, this table. I was like, why does she keep getting on the table? Then, yes, last night, April thought it'd be cute to put her on the table and i was like oh what do you mean after a photo no she was just holding her and she's put her on the table while she was cuddling and i was like that's why she thinks it's okay for it to be on the table

the other day she's walking across the kitchen bench and then i also saw walking across walking her across the kitchen bench like it's cute. But the answer to your question, the initial question is just ignore them. Yeah. There's nothing else you can do. There's nothing you can do. Unless they're in some serious physical pain or danger. So this morning on the scale of like one to ten of like the murderous screams,

I'd say this morning was about like a six or seven. A murderous scream. But last night that was the one I showed you when she was in the bath. That was like a nine. You did show me and she was like, same thing, like, the dog's ears just perked up then. I was flailing. I thought my neighbor was going to knock on the door and be like, is someone being attacked here?

Like, do I need to call family services? You've actually jogged my memory a little bit of something that my mom told me when I was, how old was I in that house? I would be similar, somewhere between two and four. And I was a screamer. So much so, we were in a house at that time it's not a unit like a house so much so the police used to come because the neighbors thought my parents were abusing me you're fucking kidding that would show up and mom's like oh just come and get him and take him

because i am even my sister who was a bit older than me was like i remember you would just we would put you in the cot because you would not stop screaming i can't believe this i've just remembered this i'm sorry i could have made you feel a bit better now i'm trying to make you feel a bit better and you turned out okay really i don't know. And I always had such a deep voice. I had this voice as a child because I had screamed so much. Next time my mum's here, she tells this story better because she obviously remembers it, traumatised, that I've had quite a deep voice even as a child. I was never like Oscar.

He's like, hi, you know, little dainty little shit. I was quite like, yeah's like hi you know little dainty little shit i was quite like yeah because i would scream and scream and scream and scream and the neighbors would write letters and call the police they moved out eventually write letters to say what shut your fucking kid up or stop beating your kid up i don't't know. Like, I'm fine. I was never abused as a child. Let's set this record straight. But the nabs would call the police. So you've got it easy, my friend. I can't believe that.

So police would knock on the door and say, can we, we've just got- We could do a welfare check. And then they come in and look at you and you go, what are you staring at? I'd be in the cock going, fuck, you staring at me? I'd be like, ah! Mum's like, this is what I'm dealing with. Can you take him? Can you take him with you, please?

I can't believe I just remembered that. You little shit. I know. I wasn't planning on telling that story. My mum was quite like me where I'd be like, fight fire with fire a little bit and be like, shut up, shut the fuck up. And sometimes you've got to do that.

But like I've come to the point where it's just like, you're just the best off ignoring. And thankfully both my kids aren't like that where they'll just look at me and wait to see that I'm not paying them attention and scream louder. They'll just have a meltdown, which is fairly normal. I feel like the murderous screams needs to be more documented on social media. Yeah, I feel like people like, send us your murderous screams.

Yeah, please. Actually, yeah. I mean, I also appreciate that. It's quite triggering for a lot of parents to hear a young child screaming. Yeah. But, hey. There's a difference between a scream and a cry i think i cry because something like if oscar gets his finger stuck in the door warrants the meltdown it's a different

and you're not gonna you're not gonna feel that well maybe maybe you are rash no no but if they're having a fucking whinge for nothing i wish sometimes if i could just do that i could just be out me like when i dropped the bag the shopping bag the shopping bag let's be specific when i dropped the paper bag well it fell out i wish i could have just sat in the middle of the shopping center and gone wait to see if anyone's looking. And if no one's paying attention to me. Keep going. Just scream.

Until the police are called once again. And they're like, oh, no. We know this kid. It's just Ash Wicks. They're like, here he is. Hey, you've got more facial hair than you did as a four-year-old. Still sound the same. So, I don't know.

Best of luck to you. But I know what's going to happen now my kids will start fucking melt down hopefully go through it hopefully i can't remember how long it lasted for with marley i think it was only like a short period when i drop off at daycare they're fucking turds they're so they're fine and like the daycare teachers are this morning what do you got what do you got just the classic daycare thing where you drop them off and they're having an absolute meltdown honestly i can't get out of there quick enough because i'm like this is your fucking problem now i'm paying you to do this mine are the opposite i drop lola off and she's like smiles she's happy yeah look i go 50 50 with us i'll get home and i'll be like how was it how they go like it's either yeah fine or i'll just get a meltdown and she's like oh i better call

them see if he's okay and then they're like yeah they're fine once you left they'll find they're different kids there but i was there the other day and another kid was melting down that's not my kid. And it was like, holy shit. And the parents were just like, I've got to go to work. I've got to go to work to pay the bills to feed you, to send you here, to, you know, whatever. And like, that's fair. Off you go. And this kid was just like, when I was leaving,

the kid was calling out to me as if I'm daddy. Oh, no. And I was like, fuck off, I got enough of them. I was out the door. He's like, I'm just trying to hold into your leg. I was already running away from my own. Don't fucking touch me. I was already running away from my own.

I don't need to run away from someone else's. But, yeah, fuck. You know what? I'm just going to say it. They're turds. And it's okay to call your kid a turd. It makes you feel better. It makes me feel better.

I don't love them any less. I think it was Amy who sent that question in. Thank you, Amy. Your kid's a turd. It was Amy, hang in there. Just know that you're not alone. And your kid's a turd. And your kid is a turd.

We have some sad news. We know that you're not alone. And your kid's a turd. And your kid is a turd. We have some sad news. We do have some really sad news. I don't know if anyone's going to give a shit, really. No. So today, my favorite segment lies. We're going to hang the boots up. Not forever. No, not forever.

Not forever. Just for a little rest. Just for a little rest. It's honestly become, hearing the song gets stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Someone fucking wrote in and said, I had this song stuck in my head. Did you see the comment? I love that. And it was only when she-

We should do a final parody of it somewhere. Yeah, we should. No, because it's not the end. No, no, no. It'll come back. But the good news is, good news is we are replacing it with a new segment. Called, drum roll, Budgie Smuggler's Most Ordinary Parent. Okay.

Which is great because it coincides with their most ordinary rig competition. Which people may be familiar with. Which may be familiar with. I would say in terms of competitions within Australia. It's the most achievable one. It's on par with like the Olympics. If you're a fat shit, usually you're going to do well. State of origin is up there.

I've entered. Have you? Well, I'm looking a bit tubby at the moment, some would say. You're not. Are you fishing for a compliment? There it is. But yeah, so it's Budgie Sponger's most ordinary parent. So we would like people to submit any examples of how they have-

Been ordinary. Been ordinary. And what we mean by that is like you cut corners in a really clever- We're all shit parents in our own way. Well said. But how do you cut it? How do you personally cut the corner? What have you done where you've at the end of the day gone,

that was pretty fucking ordinary of me, but also like got the job done love it love that an example just quickly an example of that we've spoken about it many times but when you get the early flight like we're talking like a 6 or 7 a.m flight and you just have to get the kids to the airport they don't get changed put the shoes on when they're still wearing their pajamas that's an example of great ordinary parenting yeah or you know when you got a pack of lunch for them and you think a bit of last night's dinner chuck it in there something like that that's great anything like that or it's kind of like you get the phone call from kindy because and you see it you ignore it because you know i'm

gonna have to go pick my kid up early so you just ignore it and then just see what happens. These are prime examples. Yeah, prime examples. So if you have, or even if it's not been done by you, but someone you know, you can dob them in. Dob them in. Oh, I like that. The great thing is you're going to get something in return. Budgie are coming to the table with some great vouchers.

Is it $200? It's $200 for every segment. So it's going gonna be 10 segments over the back end of this year we're gonna have an email in our bio very very specific don't dm us you can if you want to i'm not gonna check it well yeah matt'll check it i'll check the email you be on email patrol i'll be on the dms all right so nothing's gonna get done there's gonna be an email in our bio by the time this episode goes out. But yes, 200 bucks every week.

I think in the $200 is $120 worth of whatever you want from Budgie Smuggler. And then they're going to be gifting you $80 worth of stuff on top of that. Love that. Which is great. And perfect timing because now winter can fuck right off. Oh, yes. Time for summer. So good. That's why I've been wearing shorts the last couple of records to show off the pins. Great off. Oh, yes. Time for summer. So good.

That's why I've been wearing shorts the last couple of records, to show off the pins. Great car. The pistons. But because I'm trying to acclimatise my legs, and I'm desperate, desperate for winter to be over, because it's, quite frankly, fucking sucks. So, from next week.

But for now, let's go into lies. Tell me lies. Tell's go into lies. Can I go first? Mm-hmm. Okay, here we go. This one, it's quite a sweet lie. I think some of the lies that we've had are like borderline psychotic. Very creative is my favourite. May have some impact in long-term damage.

Who knows? But this one is a very nice lie, Ash. And I thought what a nice one to end on, a sweet lie. Not forever. If you were better, it is coming back. So this one was submitted by Rachel. Lovely little photo there. Stop creeping.

I'm just admiring a listener and saying thank you very much. That's red hot. Matty J. No, you're taking this to a fucking different place. Okay, okay, okay. And it doesn't need to go there because I just want to say thank you for the submission. Anyway, she says, she sent through a meme, so she hasn't actually like,

oh, she's not using this, but she said this is like an example of one. And the meme is, my toddler was scared of the thunderstorm tonight. So I told him it was just the sky farting. And now he giggles when he hears it. That's good. Sometimes all you need is a rebrand. Sometimes, yes. Very clever.

Because at the moment, like, you don't have boys. There's not a lot of poo talk in your house, I'm assuming. No, no, no, no. The girls love it. Marley's like, bum, bum, wee wee wee, farts, my bottom's hungry, all of that chat. Because I always get Oscar out of his slump with like a piece of poo head or poo poo head or like a farty or a farty noise gets him.

They love it. Like he was like trying to like get in amongst my legs and like trip me over and I was just like grabbing his head and going. A fake fart or? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're giving him pink eye. Well. Kids love it.

Love it. It's like top shelf humor for a toddler. That's a good lie. Your lie? My lie. On your phone. My lie is a video that was sent to us a number of times. My God.

I've had this, I want to say, I know which one you're talking about, probably about 10 times so far. Yeah, it was sent a number of times to the DM, so thank you for sending that through. So, Matthew, it's a video of a little girl who is sprinkling some green. It looks like mac and cheese, I think. Yeah, but she's sprinkling over the top of it, which we would know as broccoli,

but they've cut it up so fine and told them that it's green glitter, is it? Green sprinkles. Green sprinkles. And she's sprinkling it over her mac and cheese, getting those fibrous green veggies in without even fucking knowing about it. She loves it. Loving it. That's great.

Do you think that would work with your kids? Yeah. I'm going to give it a go. Yeah, I want to try that on Marley. They don't eat anything I make them anyway. No. So, what are they going to sprinkle it over? Nothing.

But my kids, I give them bolognese on the reg. Bolognese is like the staple. Fuck, I've turned into my mom. That's what we used to have every night of the week. How are you turning to your parents? I am my mother. You're like, oh, yeah. That's something my mum would do.

Yeah, I do it too. And the kids love it. They're like, where's the cheese? And I give the packet out. I'm like, you can grab a little handle because they love to do it themselves. And they'll just like- Grubby hands in the cheese. Yeah, fuck.

It's only them eating it, really. The mozzarella, they're just like- What if the neighbour comes over and goes, do you have any mozzarella I could borrow? Like, yeah, it's just a bit gunky. Do not fucking, that's full of shit. But they love it. They're like, Marley and Lola were just like, I have to like stop them. They're like shoveling it onto their bowls.

And I'm like, that's enough now. You've got about a kilo there. And they're like, more. More. It's like they're going to turn like lactose intolerant from too much cheese. Oh, I know. It's between the amount of cheese and the milk they're taking in. And you're all full cream at your house.

I know. I know. You're barbaric. Well, that is Lies Done and Dusted for a little while. We will be missed for a little while. And if you're wondering right now, maybe you're thinking to yourself, oh, but I love that little intro song that Matt Nash sung. Well, we have some good news as well.

There is another song that will be used for the segment. You have to wait and find sung. Well, we have some good news as well. There is another song that will be used for the segment. You have to wait and find out. We have recorded one version. We weren't happy with it. There is a Christmas album coming out. By the end of the year, we will have like a- Just me singing Christmas carols. Best of.

I think the reason Ash didn't like the first version is because he had more of a supporting role in the singing. I was front and center hey i need to be front and center ash was relegated to the back yeah that's because i'm more of a baritone we listened to it and i was like this is great and you just had a look of just like burn it so i'm such a diva delete it so we're gonna after this record we're gonna do another version just to make sure that princess ash is happy yes let's go into some questions matthew please every week we get

questions from listeners we can't get to all of them this segment is staying would you like to go first matt all right so this question is from molly and she asks have you ever taken a parenting course and how was it? I took the pre-baby parenting course. This is pre-COVID too, so it's like you had to show up. Do you know, I got dragged to it. It's two Saturdays, six hours long. Fuck, total? No, each Saturday was six hours long. It was fucked. it was fucked it was fucked it was like

just like the basics i get it like some people are so some people were so into it and i was like no i just sat at the back i was like this is far what did they teach you what are you learning how to do a nappy i think there was a big segment of it that was like different birthing processes and what can happen, which, look, yeah. But also they started talking. You don't need to know that, though. Do you know what was really annoying? They were like, who wants to tell us their birth plan?

I was like, fucking here we go. Bring the freaks out. Tell us about their birthing stories, their know their birthing plan what they're gonna do the zen i'm gonna poop in a bath i don't fucking care i'm not here to judge but i'm not here to judge but fucking who cares but i remember when we were in we had the meetings with the midwife and remember they took us into one of the delivery suite rooms and there was like one of the rooms where you could have the bath you could give like the water birth and i was like oh fuck i just have these images you know some people upload the videos online and the water is fucking bloody it's like they've been

attacked by a shark in there and then like yeah it's like in austin powers when they had the shark infested water with laser beam i'm like who wants to like if laura was in there and she asked me to hop in the water with her i'd be like no fucking chance get in the water get in the water's nice i'm a bit brisk fucking toe or finger in that water yeah so hey but if if you're listening and you have had a water birth or you're planning on having one good on you that's great that's great full power to you yeah nice guy over here yeah but they started doing that and then like it was like i don't need to know anyone did anyone do you remember if anyone had like a weird birth plan i can't recall you didn't you were checked

out i remember i was watching surfing on my phone for most of it. They would have looked at you and gone, fuck, here we go. Look at this guy. Do you reckon they look at you now having a dad podcast? They're like, the irony. They're like, oh, he apparently didn't listen. No, yeah, I didn't. I didn't listen. So, you know, I would say don't go.

Whatever. I think I went to a would say don't go. Whatever. I think I went to a first aid. First aid's good. Of course. But even with that, dude, like, okay, choking, yeah, I could. But, like, anything outside of choking, I'm fucking calling triple zero. I'm calling them if they're choking. Like, you better come and get him.

Yeah, I know. Like, broken arm, leg, I ain't fucking putting that in a black uh like what's it called a little i always think like what would i do you had you know if they got a big gash i'd like rip my shirt off and tourniquet tourniquet hey you got the words or if it's like splint their finger splint splint that's the one i was looking i don't know i probably wouldn't i'd probably like oh get that fucking thing away from me i can't look at any blood fuck i'm pathetic by that in those classes in the two saturdays six hours a piece was there anything that you learned where you go hey i've applied that now to my current day parenting no nothing no nothing okay fuck we're not doing any favors to dads who don't want to go to those

courses i know i know i didn't go to any either yeah i was have to i think like don't want to go to those courses. I know, I know. I didn't go to any either. Yeah, look, I don't think you have to. I think, like, if you want to be prepared. A lot of it's just common knowledge. You can Google it. Yeah. Like, I had friends that did it over COVID. They just had to do it by video chat and I was like,

that would have been so good because I just wouldn't have even listened. But also, I think I was away. I was away working overseas, Ash, which is why I didn't go to the classes. Thankfully, I had that excuse. But I also know that I've got my sister down the road. She was the first and I found me to have kids. And I'm always like, hey, if I've got a problem, that will be the motivation.

Can you come up here and deal with it? Ask the buck. But there's too much to try and retain like before you've actually got the baby like and i'm dyslexic i can't learn anything yeah i think i'm dyslexic i can't read you're just self-diagnosed i'm self-diagnosed me too i cannot i cannot unless i've got an issue that needs to be solved there's no need for that information at all yeah totally at all yeah and look at us we're great yeah kids great. We've got a dad podcast. What have you got?

I wonder if there's any other podcasts out there, ones that are actually like offering solid information and advice. Like don't listen to. And we're like, well, when our kid's having a full-on tantrum, we just stand there and we scream back at them. And they're all like, that's how you give your child long-term damage. Trauma. And we're like, anyway, that's all from us.

We shut down in about a week or two. I know, just waiting for him to come after us. You have a question, Ash? I do. Now, we do joke. I say joke in quote marks. What do they call it? Quotations?

Quotations. Quotations. Those quotations? We do joke about it. Fuck, we are dumb. Oh, man. Anyway, we joke about screen time. Probably why I'm so dumb.

We joke about screen time a lot, but how much do you think per day screen time do you give the girls? Okay, so where the girls have the most screen time is holidays. And the reason for time is holidays. And the reason for that is because- Like during travel or- Yeah, travel. Travel, like on the plane. The actual travel.

Boom. Yeah, I think that's fine. As soon as we sit down on that plane, before it's even like begun to move, iPad, boom, straight into it. And then the girls are also in the habit, which I don't know, is it bad? Who cares? Whenever they eat food, like breakfast, lunch, dinner, they always have something on whether it be like an iPad

or the TV in the background. The old place we had that TV in the kitchen and the kids just like, that was- Loved it. So would you ballpark how many hours a day? I don't know, like breakfast. Breakfast was like 45 minutes ish and then and then also like when lola would have a sleep marley would have a quiet time and so that would be like another hour or so and like but you know in my defense because i can feel

the judgment coming at me already no not for me not me. Not from you, but the listeners. I know. I can see them right now. She'll play games. I'm going to make you look very good. I'm just trying to justify. I know. I don't need to judge. Just how long? I don't know.

An hour, two hours a day? Yeah. Easy. That's hefty. Is it? I don't know. I have no idea. I can only go off like what I...

Look, we're similar. There's no limit in my house and I'm very transparent on that. If people want to judge me about like you shouldn't give your kids so much screen time, you know what I'm saying? Give me a look at what's the day look like. Get fucked. First thing in the morning, sometimes we're all in bed and like we're all on our phones.

Have a little scroll. All four of us. What's his go-to? YouTube Kids? Yeah, YouTube Kids. Yeah, for both of them. Macy's into it now too. It's great.

And, mate, that can last an hour. If we're just mooching around up there, they're down, TV's on while food's on, probably however long that they're here before we go and do something, and then back, same thing, quiet time, Oscar doesn't nap. That's like two hours. And then all afternoon if we don't feel like leaving the house. Well, obviously if it's a rainy day. Yeah.

But like we'll try and get out and then come back, dinner. Can I just interrupt you for one second? Yeah. I have seen your socials and you are very good with activities with the kids. They are. You get out of the show man we go to the skate park get a photo back on the ipad we go to the skate park a lot we've got a

parking complex here we do thing but like if we're not doing things there's screen time oh yeah and then it's like after bath and macy goes to bed and april and i are trying to have dinner oscar's on his phone again like on youtube Kids until he goes to bed. So, like I said, there's no limit for me and I won't set a limit. Don't care if someone wants to fucking come at me about it. Don't care. Look at you. You're so aggressive.

I'm so fucking aggressive. Do you ever think, not tonight, Oscar, you've had a fucking good whack? No. No? Never. Really? No. If it gets him out of my hair and I need to do something, yeah.

Sometimes we'll watch something together. I'll go, come on, let's watch a movie together. And we'll have a cuddle and watch a movie together and that's kind of like. It's nice. It's nice. But, like, there's no limit for me. I don't think.

Look, they get limited enough with everything else that they do. Like how much fucking chocolate you can eat, how much shit food you can eat, how much, you know. It's the path of least resistance. Yeah. Look, if I can use it to bribe them to do something to like even, yeah. Travelling is a perfect example. It's like you just need them to shut the fuck up

and we need to get to the destination so that we can half enjoy the destination to get back on that fucking plane for them to shut the fuck up so we can get home. There is no limit. And now this is awkward. No, so that's where I'm at with that. And Macy will be the same.

Hey, look, if it works for you, all power to you. It does. And Macy will be the same. Hey, look. Don't care. If it works for you. It does. All power to you. It does. And you know what? The best thing about kindy is they get home, they've been deprived of TV. Like as soon as I turn the TV on, they're like.

Oh, dude, if I get my phone out because you've messaged me five times and they see that screen light up, it's like. Give it here. Fucking like scratching at my leg. I'm like, fuck off. Love it. They love it. They love it. Hey, Ash, that is all we have time for.

It is all we have time for today. Unfortunately. It was a different episode, that one. It was a bit different. Yeah. Well, it's the end of an era. Deal with it. But if you have enjoyed this episode or any episode of Two Dirty Dads,

Ash and myself, we would love it more than anything in this world to get a review from you hey a couple of stars a few comments that's all it takes and it means the absolute world ash what are you looking at now porn no no sorry you're banned you're fucking screen time i know you're banned from being on your phone last week. Hang on. Before we do go, let's just check what my screen time is and that'll give you an indication of how long we're at kids.

Okay, yeah. Give us a look. I know what mine is because mine came through the other day and it was like, you're 10% up. What's your average daily? Eight hours.

That? Wow. I'm actually down 28% from last week. So let's get back to the last. What are you at? Five hours. You're averaging five hours? Yeah, but I want to go back to last week.

How do you do that? Add 28% to that. That's what I would usually do. You're asking the wrong guy, mate. Let me just do the maths. So five, say five times 1.28, six, six and a half hours? Solid. Solid.

A lot of my work is done on mobile. All my emails are. That's what I tell people to do. I am on my phone so much, my thumb is fucked. I've got like early onset arthritis. Yeah. My thumbs don't work. Anyway, we've...

Hey, that's it. Send the episode to a friend. And for those of you who have been listening to us from day dot thank you for supporting us thank you so much we appreciate it all all the love and support see you next week two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples

today. This episode was recorded...