Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - The Curious Case of the Twisted Testicle

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Ever heard of Slap Cheek? No, neither had we before this ep, but Oscar (Ash's son) has it. For those wondering, it's a viral infection caused by the human parvovirus B19, which means no daycare. DEVASTATING ! Matt's won worst uncle of the week after giving his nephew some pointers on the scooter, which led him to face planting and getting 3 stitches in hospital. Matt was then back in hospital with Marlie (his daughter) due to an upset tummy. Don't worry, it was just a telescopic intestine (nothing serious). All this medical chat reminded Ash of the time he suffered a twisted testicle and almost lost his nut (happy to confirm both nuts are still intact). We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: Is there anything you said you’d never do as a parent that you now do all the time? If you could hire any celebrity to look after your kids, who would it be? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Last night, worked till midnight, had a shower. Was that a flex or not the shower that worked till fucking midnight? Just never ends. I was like, I cannot wait to go into bed, head hit the pillow, close my eyes and then I realized. We have an episode that came out today. I was like, fuck, I haven't uploaded the episode. Did you write the- Oh yeah, I wrote it. You're very uploaded the episode. Did you write the-

Oh, yeah, I wrote it. You're very good at that. Did you read today's? No. Not the strongest. You didn't remind me. Normally, you remind me. I shouldn't have to.

Wednesdays come around so quick. I shouldn't have to remind you because that would make me your boss. Yeah. And I'm not. We're equals. Almost. Almost dropped the ball. Made that mistake a few times, not today.

Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that is all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And if you have come thinking that you may get any type of advice, unfortunately, you've come to the wrong podcast. It's not going to happen here. Not today. Not ever. Never. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever. Anyway. How are you mate i'm good uh yeah

look i'm good i can't say i'm bad because there's people out there much worse than me but not many no but this is week two of oscar having to come home early from kindy what happened last time he was just sad he was tired because i didn't pick him up so papa picked him up and then i went and got macy from the same kindy later on i saw oscar's teacher and she was like is oscar okay i'm like yeah he seems fine to me which is fine she was like yeah he was just laying around everywhere like and that's not like him fucking slob'm like, how do I get him to do that at home? Fucking slob. So two days later, let's just go two days later.

No, the day later. I'd already promised him the day off because he was so sad on the Wednesday. I just couldn't have him off on the Wednesday. But I was like, you can stay off on the Thursday with me and Macy. Went out and saw my dad, went out and saw my nan. Well, that's what I thought. It was fine. Would you ever backtrack on those type of promises or does he remember he fucking remembers mate he will never forget like he'll remember things like

he'll just blurt out something that he remembers from so long at once actually once we promised him a monster truck if he slept in his bed all night tiny little monster truck promised him that because we're just like look you have to stop sleeping in our room and he slept the whole night woke up the next day didn't even mention granted i told him when he was really tired to go to bed so i just thought he's forgotten anyway two weeks later we're in the car we pull up to the shops and he goes can i get that monster truck now two weeks and i was i was like fuck you talking about and he was like i slept in my bed the whole night it was one night he'd been sleeping in ever since then and i was like but then at the same time they hold on to the like most random bits of information

and then you're like hey you took your shoes off yesterday. Where did you put them? They're like, I don't know. Yeah, don't know. I couldn't tell you. The basics. Where have you put your shoes? And they're like, mine, we'll just hide them.

And yet a song will play and she's like, that was the song that you had your first dance to at the wedding. Yeah, I've seen the wedding video. And you're like, what? How the fuck are you like the Rain Man? We went to Nan's the other day and Oscar pointed at a photo of me and April and my dad at our wedding and was like, is that your wedding?

I was like, where was I? I was like, not there, thank God. Anyway, so I promised him the day off. Anyway, we went out and saw my nanomom anyway came back and he was just a bit off in the arvo and then april's finished work and got home and took one look at him and like he had quite red cheeks like and i thought i must have been from the wind or something but then like the bulk of it calmed down it was quite patchy, like he had severe acne just there. Yeah.

Anyway, I don't know if you've ever heard of this, Matthew. Slapcheek. Yeah. Your facials, exactly. What the fuck is slapcheek, you might ask? Is that an illness? It's an illness. And April's like, yep, he's got slapcheek.

Like she knew what the fuck she was talking about. She's obviously just Googled it, that he's got this. Is that a nickname? Is that like the street term for it? I mentioned it. Is he getting to a scuffle and you're like, oh, he's got slapcheek. Well, I went out to do that Mark Hott job thing, right, and I was talking to a mum out there.

Shout out to that mum because she said I love the podcast. I was saying, oh, Oscar's at home. He has slapcheek. And she went, oh, no. Like she fucking knew. And I thought, what the fuck is slap cheek? But do you think she walked away going, I need to find out what slap cheek is. Everyone knows.

Like Ash talked about it in a way that just had so much confidence that she don't want to be an idiot. I definitely wasn't confident. I was like, I don't know. He's got something called slap cheek, which I didn't know what that was. I still don't even know what that was. To define it, it's like it looks like you've been slapped in the cheek. It's like, I swear to God I didn't slap him. Swear to God, okay?

I wouldn't do that. If you ever do get angry at Oscar and April comes home, you're like, oh, that slap cheek's come right back. Right back, baby. But you can see it's kind of like noticeably like i don't know but apparently it's not contagious here's the kicker and i could be fucking wrong i can hope not like no it's not contagious if the slap cheek is visible oh god so it's leading up to it so why he was so tired and run down and all that stuff.

Like, how are you supposed to preempt he's got that? Yeah. So, it's contagious. It's a silent killer. You could say that. So, you've got to preempt every day that now every time my kid's tired, it's like slap cheek. Smells like slap cheek.

Damn it. But anyway, slap cheek got the best of him, leads into this week so he's so tired he's been so whingy since but he's still been like his playable self busy busy busy busy boy like non-stop like last night flipping around on the cat you've been at kindy all day bro with your mate and he's here he's jumping all over everything, fucking smashing glasses. That's the biggest difference between boys and girls is that boys just run at a much higher tempo. Like the girls come home from daycare and they just want to draw or snuggle on the couch.

Yeah, that's like Macy. Macy will get up to have a sniff at what's going on with Oscar. Like if he's over here building a fucking whatever. Like I said, he's like a Kelpie. And, like, he just, like, flips and blah, blah, blah. It's chaos. I just, like, because we're all knackered but him. And it's like, yes, I'd love that sort of energy, but also I wouldn't.

Then this week, he's obviously been run down, as you do. You get poor kid's got a cold sore. He's got the herb. He's got the herb. And I was like, who is she? Or he? Or they, them. He's completely fine.

We're putting some Zavirax on there. So, he knows what Zavirax tastes like now because every time we put it on, he just goes- He's into it. More. Like, thinks like that's what you're supposed to do. It's like, bro, don't. And the last time- Does it taste nice? No. Okay. So, it like that's what you're supposed to do. It's like, bro, don't. And the last time- Does it taste nice?

No. Okay. So, it's just like chemical. It's just a chemical that goes on. It's just dried out. And he's got a taste for it. He's got a taste for it. You're making him scrambled eggs in the morning.

He's like, you couldn't put a bit of Zavirax in that, could you? No salt for me, thank you. Just Zavirax. At the restaurant. Yeah. You don't have any Zyrax? I don't see Zyrax on the menu. This kid can read?

Sorry, continue, continue. So he went today, but then I've got a call at 10.30 this morning saying that he needs to go because they think he's got a hand, foot and mouth now off the back of that. So Pop has taken him to the doctor today so that we can work because this is work i'll keep you posted on that we might go for week three next week jesus although it's a nightmare no question about it just back-to-back illnesses the positive though is that he's building a strong

immune system for when for when he's an adult well okay okay let's look at you for example right oh yeah you're not the healthiest person I've ever met. What did I have for breakfast this morning? What did you have? I had two meat patties, two things of bacon, two eggs and cheese. A milt of cheese, that is. Wow. Yeah.

Except I'm sick like three times more often than you are you're never sick you're never ever sick ever whereas i i'm i am i'm just on a good run so do not i won't jinx it i won't jinx it i also not to i don't want to one-up your illness story this episode's all about sick kids so far it's a real feel good there is I don't want to one up your illness story. This episode's all about sick kids. So far. It's a real feel good. There is something else I want to talk to you about. We'll get to it.

Okay. Two medical stories that I have. Any hospital visits. Yes. I will get to that. I will get to that. Oh my God. The Johnson's love go to the hospital.

Okay. So yesterday I moved house. I'm now just down the road from my sister. She's got three kids. George is her eldest. He's about six or seven. Strong name. And similar to Oscar, he's a Kelpie.

He's just full of beans. He's like climbing trees, jumping off. How old is he? So, he's six or seven, I think. At the moment, he's really into being on a scooter and a skateboard. That's his jam. Yeah. Sick.

And I used to skateboard. Double shaka. Double shaka, bruh. Yeah, can't wait to go to Bali. That's April, sorry. Used to skateboard. Quite a good skater. Back in the day.

What was your best trick? I think the best trick I did was like a board slide or doing like a seven, jumping down a set of stairs. Seven was my highest. It was the highest that I could do. Can't tell if you're actually impressed or if you're just being fucking patronizing towards me at the moment. I don't see it.

I don't see it. Anyway, so it's something that George and I, you know, we've got- You're bonded. Yeah. I'm like, George, let me show you- You should bring him up to the skate park, Terry Hill Skate Park. Well, I can't because he had an incident. Oh, okay.

So, I was walking Buster and i walked past my sister's house and i was just called her and i was like hey you know if you're out the front i'll say hi and george was there on a scooter and he was having a little go and we had a bit of a play and they had you know those plastic camping tables that have the they fold up oh yeah yeah the legs that come out they had a really old one of those that's just been like gathering dust for ages and i was like we could kind of set that up as a bit of a ramp and i and a few times i was kind of jumping up it and it was a bit a bit sketchy anyway i was like i looked at the time and i'm like well my kids are coming home soon i better go like bye george. So, you've just set up a dangerous obstacle for a child.

Is that what's happened? Yes. Yes. My sister was there. It wasn't as if I'd done this just by ourselves. I wave goodbye. I get a message from my sister an hour later saying, we're in hospital. Oh, my God.

Can I show you? You're an enabler. Can I show you what happened? George is okay. What have you done to this poor child? George is okay. Okay, all right. If people are listening right now, don't worry.

Uncle Matty, have you been to visit him yet? No, because it happened yesterday and I've been flat out. The audacity on you. So, he came up on the scooter, up off the table, lost control. He's landed head first. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, my God.

He's head butted to the ground. That's three stitches. Did he have a concussion? Yes, also concussion because he wasn't wearing a helmet. So kids. Yeah, kid. Hey, Uncle Matty. Like, hey, do you know what?

See that sketchy table over there? Let's set it up and you can jump off it. Not me. You, Uncle Matty. Like, hey, do you know what? See that sketchy table over there? Let's set it up and you can jump off it. Not me. You can jump off it. And whilst you're jumping, here, hold these knives. Anyway, look at the time. Uncle Matty, shouldn't I wear a helmet? No.

That's how I picture that happening. But my sister was like, they give him a bit of gas when he gets his stitches. Actually, jealous of the gas. And you have the option. You have raspberry, vanilla, chocolate or Coca-Cola. Nice. He went for Coca-Cola. Loved it.

Cool. Can I say, George, mate, it's best that you get this out of the way first because if you're going to continue to skate, continue to scooter, maybe Uncle Ash will teach you how to surf because, mate, he can't do that. You're going to hurt yourself. Get them stitches out of the way early build up the outside of your body immunity but i spoke to my sister just before we recorded and he woke up this morning and was like i want to go to school obviously he wants to show off you know he's got stitches yeah yeah yeah and

kate was like i don't think you should stitches are sweet and he was like no no no mom i feel fine so she's like, okay, cool. Like dropped him off at school. Half an hour later, they call her up and they're like, ah, George has got a- He's fallen over. Well, he's got a headache. He's at sick bay. Yeah, he's still got concussion.

Going to pick him up. So that reminds me, my brother-in-law is a really good skater. So picture this. He's a PhD, okay? He's a PhD. In what? In geographical philosophy, something like that. What the fuck is that?

I know, I know, I know. Anyway, so he's a uni professor. And he's a uni professor, nose ring, mullet, covered in tat, skates. So just picture that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Picturing it.

So I think it was last year. So he still skates a lot. This is going on the injury thing. Anyway, he's at the skate park where it's predominantly kids at this skate park. There's a couple of adults who still shred. He's shredding at the skate park, comes off, breaks his wrist right in front of all these kids. And he was telling me that he was sitting there and one of the mums had to hold an umbrella over him so he didn't get burnt from the sun waiting for the

ambulance so there you go george there's no age bounds on that and i'm pretty sure he's like 37 or 36 or something as well so it never ends mate trust me that is a fucking embarrassing it's it's one of those things that like riding a skateboard you're like oh it's just like a bike mate i tried to do a pop shove it and i almost very nearly whipped out and kill myself and i'm just getting back into skating because it's like the first mean shit so i've just been like okay we're gonna do something and yeah you're like how did i do this kneel down to do an ollie and as i like as i crouched down i was like oh my god did you have a moment when you got the call from your sister being like george is in hospital and you're like

oh no and then he hung up he went glad it's not my kid yes because see this happened last week, but we didn't tell the story because we told that story of one of your fans verbally abusing me instead. Oh, yeah. You know what? You deserve it now after that. Yeah.

We had a little trip to hospital with Marley. Oh, so karma's got you. And can I just say, also, she is fine. Both these stories All happy endings You're a liability you lot You're clogging up the system The rest of us No one

Literally Like Oscar went to hospital twice in his life He's four Marley's been to hospital more times than me And I'm 23 Why are you looking at me as if I'm the problem here? Like it's not like Hey what should we do this weekend?

Let's go to emergency. You're like, back your bags. Damage the children so we go back to emergency. I hate going there. Well, to be fair. You keep telling me that, mate, but you still keep going. To be fair, I've actually never done the hospital trip. It's always been Laura.

Yeah. So, you can't really complain. And I was kind of like, I don't know how this works. But also- You actually did this trip? I, I don't know how this works. But also- You actually did this trip? I did this trip. You did this one, yeah. But also remembering that Lola had those screams,

which we were like giving a tough love because we thought it was because she wanted a bottle of milk. But she had a perforated eardrum. Yeah, so now Marley, not long after that, she was like, oh, my stomach hurts. And I'm like, well, that's weird. She never had that complaint. Happened again that night night wouldn't have dinner she's like oh like still my stomach is really hurting thought she was fine

then that she woke up at maybe like nine o'clock at night screaming being like my stomach and i was like fuck like you're probably just hungry yeah but if we didn't have the perforated eardrum in the back you would have just been like i'd be like go back to bed but laura was like this is not good like she was you know in the fetal position crying so well i'm glad you now agree with me that the right thing to do ash was go to hospital yeah okay we go there we there. They do a couple of tests. They say it's fine. You'll have to come back for an ultrasound, but you can't do that until the next day.

So Laura gets home at like midnight next morning, take her back into emergency for an ultrasound. You went this time? I went the second time. And you kind of get anyone who's never been to emergency with your kids. Is it, oh, it's called like a triage nurse? No, yeah, yeah. Is that right? Don't quote me on this if i'm

saying it wrong i apologize sorry to the nurses out there you're doing a fantastic job but they do like an initial how sick are you and if it's life-threatening obviously you get seen like george got seen straight away yeah marley's like i'm dying oh right this way but they say it'll be a bit of a wait so we have to wait four hours to get the ultrasound. And it's funny, you kind of, you look at each kid as they come through and you're kind of like, oh, how sick is their kid? How quickly will they get seen? And some kids are like fine, as in you have a temperature,

you give them 100-ol, they get to emergency and they're absolutely fine. Whereas other kids come through and they're like George and they need stitches. Yeah, bleeding from the forehead it's like stat there's a lot of stats a lot of yelling and i was like i was like fucking hell come on i just want to get this ultrasound done and find out what's wrong but at this point marley's fine she's like and they also you can't give the kids food before the ultrasound so marley's there four hours like dad i'm hungry there's a vending machine so every kid is there getting like chips and chocolate i was like i just want to eat

something and i'm like no you can't the ultrasound it's a punish yeah and they don't understand either it's a punish totally yeah anyway we get the ultrasound and it felt you just come with nothing but pictures today i know i know sorry i'm. Sorry. I'm very picture heavy. Very visual. And we get the ultrasound and it felt really nostalgic. She's pregnant. Hey. Oh, my God. Flashback.

It's a boy. Oh, my God. So, those of you listening, I'm just looking at a picture of Marley getting ultrasound on her tummy like mummy would have done. So that's why Matt's thinking flashback. Did you start going, ugh? Because I would be seasick. You know me in that. How long were you there for?

Four hours? Because obviously, you know. Probably five hours total. And is she fine? Yeah. Do you know what it was? Do you know what it was? What?

A telescopic intestine. Hmm. Is it one of the ones that goes... Like a submarine? Well, they said that like it sometimes happens. Yeah, okay. That kids like... I love that diagnosis. Sometimes happens.

Off you go. You're done. Out of here. I was like, how do you fix it? The intestine kind of goes like a telescope, goes in on itself. It hurts. Happens for a number of reasons. And then it just comes back out of the zone.

It comes back out. It's like when a bit gets stuck in your rib. Yeah. You're like, this is it. I'm done. Oh, actually, I'm okay. Like that, yeah. But I also kind of thought, I was like, are they just kind of making this up on the spot?

Because I was like, how do I make sure it doesn't happen again? And they're like, oh, like it's totally fine. Like it's just one of those things. It's funny if it was like a vegan nurse. She's like, just don't eat meat. Oh, yes, right on it. So she's okay. That's the main thing.

So I was, you know, it was, can I just say on a serious note, there is nothing better than walking out of the hospital with like a thumbs up. You're good to go. And they're like, you're good to go. Yeah. Like, fuck, because we had to, like not to end on a downer note, you have to walk to get to the ultrasound. It was like a fucking maze.

You walk past the dying people. Well, yeah, you have to. It sucks, eh? Man, it's like. Hospitals are no good. Walking past these beds with the kids who have like tubes up their nose and they're like, you know, with their. Oh, it was the children's hospital.

Yeah, children's hospital. Oh. Yeah. So walking past the sick kids and you're like, that's not how a kid should be spending their day. And that, look, honestly, we've got it pretty good when you think about it. Oh, totally. Speaking of triage, I want to go back to the triage.

What does triage mean? Triage is like you said, I don't know what it exactly means, but they determine who needs to go up the line. Anyway, so this is something that happened to me where I had to deal with a triage nurse. And you were saying, oh, you know, the people that are dying go first. So when I was 14, let's just skip right into this story right away. I didn't think I was going to tell this story, but I will.

Can I just say that do you ever think you are going to tell any particular story? No, it just comes to me on the moment. It's definitely not written. I've got written down what I want to talk to you about. Fuck it. Triage. I'm not even going to talk about that. I'm just going to talk about, I'm just going to bounce off what you've said and I'll remind myself.

So, when I was 14, I lived on the Gold Coast at the time. And we actually came, did a house swap with our old neighbours in Sydney. So we did a house swap. So we came down to Sydney for like two or three weeks. I can't remember how long it was. Anyway, so we drove down, the whole family drove down. I was in the car. I was the tallest, so I was in the passenger seat, which, you know, at 14,

a lot of involuntary erections. That's not the story. Can I say it's you know i forget what it's like being 14 i used to get maybe like 10 a day yeah i can't wait to talk to your mom when she comes down continue continue oh can i just confirm so your mom's in the back seat. Mum and my sister are in the back seat. I'm in the front with an awkward erection. Classic. Hiding it somehow. And the problem is like there's nothing to distract you back then. It was 04. I had a phone, but there used to be no reception on the way.

Yeah, Game Boy? What would you play? No, it was just like look out the window and hope the erection goes down. I'm like looking at roadkill like yeah it's like that's kind of sexy yeah anyway so we came to sydney you're out of control you and your old man are just like ah like father like son he's looking over he's like oh wrong gear stick that didn't happen and he didn't drive a manual. Okay. Anyways, we were only here for like 24 hours, 48 hours.

Okay. And I went to catch up with some of my mates. Can you... No, you're not going to... Hang on. Fucking dog. What's wrong with her? She needs me to lift her up in the couch because she's got swollen knees. What does she have swollen knees for?

She's old. Okay. Went to the vet about her swollen knees and they were like, you should take her to a pet physio. And I was like. Yeah, that's a. Are you fucking serious? What?

For anyone who's not aware, Ash has had to go over, lift his dog onto the couch. It's a low-lying couch too. Like it's 30 centimetres off the ground. Not even. And the dog is like, come here, bitch. The other day I had to lift her up those two steps and it's two steps. She could have just gone up a step.

How old is she, the dog? She'll be 10 soon. Okay, so she'll be dead soon. Soon enough. Great. No, little dogs live forever. They do. I'll be saying like, oh my God, this burden of a dog. And she'll be dead soon. Soon enough. Great. No, little dogs live forever. They do. I'll be saying like, oh, my God, this burden of a dog.

And she'll live till I'm like 50. Hurry up so I can replace you. Anyway. You and your dad getting erections. No, together. Where were we? We were here for like 24, 48 hours. And I went and saw some mates because I used to go to school here.

And I went and met with them, surfed a couple of times with them that day. Great, having a lot of fun. And then I got like a pain in my lower stomach, like lower, I don't know, left, I think it was. Not erection related? Not erection related. Not related. I don't think it's related to the erections, actually. Yeah.

It doesn't make a lot of sense. And I was like, in so much pain, so much pain. And my dad had to come and get me. And dad's like, the classic dad, like, comes to pick me up. I'm in excruciating pain. But he hasn't seen this person's parents since we moved. So, he's like, oh, stop and have a chat. I'm in the car, man.

I'm in the car like dying. Dad, I'm fucking in so much pain. And I just said to him, it's my fucking nuts, right? My testicles are fucking pulsating. They're so sore. And as soon as I said anything about my testicles, like a man should. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Let's go. And my dad's no good with like doctors or something like that. Even though he's a medical rep. How the fuck does that work? Isn't it? Parents are so crazy. And like any little, your dad's very chatty. I met your dad and he loves, he loves a chin wag.

You're there on death's door. And he's like, oh, Cliff. Get a chinwag. You're there on death's door. Oh, yeah. And he's like, oh, Cliff. Get over it, mate. You'll be okay. That's pretty much what it was like until I mentioned my testicles and he thought, fuck. This is a medical emergency.

So, he's driven. Instead of taking me to the medical centre, he's taken me back to where we're staying for mum to take me to the medical centre. It's a bloody schmuzzle. He just didn't want to go, I don't think. It's like, thanks, Dad. Maybe he was like me and he didn't know.

Or maybe. But when it comes to testicles, every second counts. Every second does count, Matthew. Anyway, so mum has taken me to the medical centre. Anyway, I remember vividly sitting in the medical centre. It was like the plastic, those medical centre plastic chairs with like the grey thin. I felt like I was melting the plastic. That medical centre plastic chairs with like the grey thin. I felt like I was melting the plastic.

That's how much pain I was in. I was sweating. I was hot. And I was just like, anyway, doctors see me and they're like, we don't know. We don't know what it is. Then sent me to the emergency room, okay. Ultrasound.

And then I get to the emergency room. It's been like four hours. How's me? Just like, oh, yeah, ultrasound. That's the only medical word you know. Ohrasound. And then I get to the emergency room. It's been like four hours. How's me? Just like, oh, yeah, ultrasound. That's the only medical word you know. Oh, yeah, and stat. I've broken my arm. Ultrasound.

Anyway, got to see the triage nurse. Okay. Also know that term. Very good. Be very mindful. I'm 14 years of age. I've already shown my nuts to one person. The next thing I've got to show my nuts to another person.

Were they big? Were they enlarged? Noged no no but very sore very sore stomach really really sore that's like i'll tell you what's wrong with you you've got an erection who's that who's that what's that medical show where the guy has to like diagnose those strange cases uh embarrassing bodies. Anyway, so I'm like at this point like four hours of pain, like sweating. Fuck. Really, really bad. The triage nurse took one look at me and went, your testicles are twisted.

Yeah. So in the sack itself, and this is where the triage nurse has gone, okay, you would think, okay, you're not in a life-threatening situation, but your nuts are more important than anyone in this fucking ER right now because no one is more important than your testicles. Straight through. I'm in surgery in fucking, I'm talking like minutes because there's only a certain amount of time before the nut dies.

It's a cold blue. Yeah, like cold blue. Straight through. A person's had a car accident. It's like cardiac arrest. Don't worry about me. Save the testicle. Anyway, straight in.

And the last thing I remember was like I was on the bed and they're pushing me into surgery. But to get me into surgery, they actually had to go into a supply closet for like a U-turn and I passed out in the supply closet. So I thought we did the surgery in the supply closet. Anyway. Fucking hell.

Anyway, separated the testicles, stitched them to the walls of the testicle sack. And so for the next three weeks, while we're in Sydney still, I'm fucking bedridden with these testicles. Wow. That were huge. And my mate at the time thought it'd be really, really funny to pretend to sack whack me.

So I'd squeeze my legs together. It was fucked. Anyway. What, and apologies if you're going to get to this point, but what causes a twisted testicle? No idea. It just happened. Just happened.

Happens a lot apparently, but we were minutes away from losing it. Well, thankfully now I have two kids. I don't really need them. Now they're actually twisted back up. But, yeah, I just thought the word triage just really sparked something in me then. Did you like, have you ever gotten in contact with that nurse? Have you said thanks?

No. That could be a beautiful. A reunion. Should we get her on the podcast? What was her name? Do you remember? I don't have a clue, Matthew. It was.

What medical center was it? That was like 19 years ago. That would be a beautiful story. I'm so old. Like the coming together. How many years ago was it? That was like 19 years ago. That would be a beautiful story. I'm so old. Like the coming together. I wonder how many nutsacks she saved in her career as well. I hope a lot.

I hope she's got, you know, when it's like when you leave like the army and you get like the purple heart. They're like, here's a set of purple testicles. Here's a set that didn't make it, but not because of your efforts. How lucky though. How lucky that she was on call at the very minute that you came in with your twisted nutsack. But also afterwards, as teenagers do, they ridicule people. So my mates thought I had one ball.

One ball ash. And this goes back to when the other day I went and bought a guitar and you were like, what are you going to learn? Wonderwall. Like it's a joke. And I was like, that's funny because my mates made up a song called One Ball. Because I look over and you start crying. And I was like, ash? They were like, because he's got one ball.

Anyway, we just really took a long journey together there. But I'm fine, obviously. But, yeah. Thank you for sharing that story. Should we go into lies now? Yeah, let's do it. Okay. So, we are now back with Parenting Lies.

Yeah, so the Budgie Smuggler is going to be happening from now until the end of the year. It's coming back. It's coming back. Fear not, people right now will be panicking. Maybe I missed out on the Budgie Smuggler. No, there's plenty of opportunities to do that over the course of the back end of the year.

So still get your stories in for that. But in the meantime, we bring back everyone's favorite segment which is the lies and matthew what do you have for me i've got one here ash this one is from brit adair brit adair adair adair adair says tell me lies i bloody love this segment well brit we love. So she says, I've just realized that my husband and I have already been lying to our 11-month-old son, Rowan. He keeps going to share slash give food to the dog, and I'm bloody sick of it because she keeps making food for him because it's the dog.

It sucks. It's like the one bad thing about having a small child. The dog's well-fed all the time. So she says, no, dogs don't like sausages. And no, dogs don't like sandwiches. So like whatever he's eating, she has to say the dog doesn't like it and it works. But she says, mate, my dog will eat his own shit.

He would devour whatever the tiny human has handed him. So now the dog just stares at us like we're committing the ultimate betrayal. Stop lying to the child. That's pretty good because I know Macy, like I always say the dog's stalking him. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're just stalking.

Dinner time. Yeah, they're just stalking. No, at all times. It's always this same tone as well. Don't feed the dog. So annoying. So annoying. So annoying. My lie, Matthew, is something that I can't remember who it came from,

but if this does ring any bells from someone, thank you. But I also do this as well as like it's part of a parenting style. Okay. So if any time Oscar, mainly because Macy doesn't understand yet, any time Oscar is being a naughty boy or doing the wrong thing, it could be six, 12 months out from his birthday, I always say, that's it. Your birthday's cancelled.

You don't get to change age this year. Your birthday's completely cancelled. Works a treat every time because he's just like, they obviously associate it with presents, okay, but also I like to throw in there that you're going to be four again for another year. Ah, very clever. Like all the other boys and all the other girls are going to be five.

You, sir, you continue that behaviour, you'll remain four. Your birthday will be cancelled. That's great. But Marley sometimes she'll be like, I don't want to grow up, Dad. Like she's like, I don't want to get older. Because she's so sweet. Oscar's a moron. No, he's not.

He's not. But he's a boy. All he cares about is where the next monster truck's coming from. Okay. So, he's not a moron. Hey, are we going to do lies next week? So, we are going to do lies next week. But then we're back, baby.

Okay, great. With Budgie Smuggler's Most Ordinary Parents. So get your lies in, get your ordinary parenting moments in, whether it's a DM or there's an email in our- What is it? 2D-T-W-O-double D. Double Ds, baby. At outlook.com.au?

Yes, correct. So get them over. Like I said, there's going to be plenty of opportunities for ordinary parents and lives for the back end of this year. But ordinary parents, you get to win something, which is great. Love it. Let's end the episode on questions. We always have two questions.

I'm going to start off, Ash, and ask you if you could hire any celebrity to look after your kids, who would it be and why? Dead or alive? Are we going dead or alive? Let's go. I mean, sure, we can make it open-ended and anyone could be alive for the sake of this question. Okay, well, while I'm thinking, you go i'm gonna go kim kardashian yeah i'm gonna go scott disick

for those who know that person is who's on the keeping up with the kardashian he would be the funnest babysitter fuck it i want him to babysit me no he's just he's like a drunk isn't he yeah but he's such a wanker but he knows he's a wanker and everything that comes out of his mouth is fucking hilarious. The Lord. The Lord. Lord. I'm pretty sure he goes by the name The Lord.

I don't know if you're talking about that. Scott Disick. I'll show you after. Yeah, I know. He used to be married to Courtney. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the best. Come on, man.

He's so good. Whereas, for example, if it's like, he's like, do you want something to drink? And Chris Kardashian's like, well, and he's like, i don't need your love story yes or no that's the energy i want in my house i'm going kim just because it'd just be such a flex to have kids yeah and she's got kids it wouldn't be cheap though yeah i mean i'm not paying oh i'm not paying like i'm fuck who's who can afford kim kardash Kardashian to look after your kids? Yeah. I'm just doing it purely for like- For the flex. For the flex of like, I mean, I actually, would she be a bad mom?

I mean, I'm sure she's got an army of helpers. Oh, yeah. I'm sure she's never, this is me judging. I'm sure she's never like in the trenches trying to feed her kids. She's got probably like a list of 14 people before her, before she has to get on her hands and knees and get in the- She's got no hands and knees. I'm going to go with Scott Disick because you've gone Kim K.

And I realize, and I'm just going to say that, is because I went down the wormhole the other day of watching Scott Disick videos on TikTok. And I need that sort of energy in this house because I think I would have a lot of fun and my kids would have a lot of fun and my kids would have a lot of fun because of you okay i'm gonna change mine okay yeah princess diana but she's dead we can bring her back but why because she's beautiful oh fuck matthew please i have a question

for you please is there anything you said you'd never do as a parent that you now do all the time? Yeah, there's a lot of things. Yeah. A lot of things. Obviously, the most prominent one would be the iPad situation. Like, holy shit. I used to judge parents. Yeah, you used to be like, I'm never going to do that.

Oh, man. I went out the window immediately. If I saw a family with young kids with iPads at the dinner table at a restaurant, I would be like, oh, never. Now we get it. Now I do. Completely understand. Totally.

You got to. It's amazing. Even at my sister's house, I remember like because she's got the three kids when one of them is not being injured and in hospital. Sorry, George. Sorry, George, for setting up that really dodgy ramp. So when my kids and her kids are together, on a Friday we might have dinner.

It is chaos. It is absolute chaos. Oh, yeah. Kids are going mental. We feed the kids first, then we give them iPads, put TV on. And it's just like a drug. It's like a sedative. They're just like, you get 45 minutes.

And then any luck, they fall asleep and you're like, oh, yeah, that's the stuff. I mean, don't get me wrong. You don't always rely on the iPad 24-7. Yeah, you do. I've got a quick, actually, I've got a really quick question for you as well. And I'm probably going to ruffle a couple of feathers here, but whatever. I don't really give a fuck. Parents who put their kids on leads. yeah going on this like before you had kids like i'm never gonna do that

i haven't done that i put a leg rope on oscar once but just because he was like put this on my wrist and i was just like actually this is kind of nice was this at home or was this out in public it was just here. It was in the garage. Okay. You like took him for a test run. Yeah, because he was like, picked up one of my leg wraps and he was like, put this on like a wristband. I was like, sweet.

And then he was like moving towards the door and I gave it a yank and he was like. And I was like, hmm. But no, I wouldn't. The backpack lead, it's kind of a bit demeaning. I'm sorry. It backpack lead, it's kind of a bit demeaning. I'm sorry. It is absolutely demeaning. If you do it to your kid, that's fine. That's your decision.

I'm not going to judge you. Actually, I'm going to judge you. That's fucked up. Why? I don't even put the dog on a lead because I feel bad when I yank it. Okay. I think it depends on the dog on a lead because I feel bad when I yank it. Okay. I think it depends on the kid though, right? Like if you've got a kid who was like a runner or she's a runner.

Yeah, okay. Little boys. Little boys like Marley's pretty good in that it's stressful. You're going to like the Easter show and you're going with Oscar and he's going to run away. He's going to, you know. Yeah, I think in that situation situation i'm like fine but like look if your child is a prominent runner away or that's what i'm gonna call them well said a

then if you're near a road and stuff fine because look uh you hear about it all the time where a kid gets hit by a car like fuck that would suck so look i take back no too late i don't take it all back i take it all back. I take it a smidge. If your kid's a runner and you've got them on a lead and it's like, look, it's a life and death situation, I'm fine with that. But if you're just in a shopping center walking your kid on a lead for the sake of because it's easier and convenient for you.

No, hang on a second. Hang on, Ash. You can't. It doesn't make any sense. You can't be someone. And we've got to hate them. You can't be someone that says yes to iPads 24-7. And no to Leads. And then draw the line at the Leads.

That doesn't fucking make any sense. My opinion means nothing. It doesn't make any sense. But I'm just going to say the Leads thing is a bit demeaning. What do you reckon? Yeah, look. Oh, Matty doesn't want to get cancelled. sense but i'm just gonna say the lead thing's a bit demeaning what do you reckon yeah look i i've never done one before no me i've done the leg rope but that's about it i mean you visually visually it's just because you put it on a backpack doesn't make it any better just put it around its neck like a dog and move on i want to get you a lead i want to get you one not just the leg rope one i

want to get a proper lead that's designed for crazy toddlers and put it on me i know no i want you to use it for no i won't i won't use it because honestly look if i'm being honest it's a bit fucked up don't make any sense it's like you love birkenstocks and you won't wear crocs and then you love the ipad but then you won't have a battery don't try and round me out as a person i had a question i asked you for your answer you gave me a weird look and said it's a bit demeaning let's leave it on that sure and free the leash free the leash on that note i think it's time we said goodbye and i'm sorry if i've annoyed anyone with that leash thing,

but fucking get over yourself. How dare you go through life and not be offended. If you enjoy this episode. Somehow. Love a review will be really amazing. Not the leash people. Stay away from the reviews. Man, the leash people, they're opinionated.

You offend the leash people and you're in trouble. Free the leash. Free the... Okay. They're going to be knocking on my door going, how dare you? You don't know what... People who Ash has offended so far since the podcast started.

Dentists. Country doctors. And leash people. The leash users. Yeah. Did you see they're actually banning Crocs now in shopping centres, airports and trains? That's bullshit.

That's such bullshit. It's about time. It's just the media using clickbait articles. Okay, Donald. Fake news. People keep... Fake news. People keep on talking.

That's a terrible impersonation. I can't do it. I know. No. Stop it right there. Follow us on Instagram. Yes, please. Follow us on Instagram. And just a reminder, get your ordinary stories in. Stop it right there. Follow us on Instagram. Yes, please. Follow us on Instagram.

That's a good one. And yeah, just a reminder, get your ordinary stories in. Get your lies in. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and

present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.