Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - The Day We Became Dads - Birth Stories

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

Strap yourselves in because we're going right back to the beginning - reliving the moments when we both became dads! From surprise due dates, going into labour, babies getting stuck, knocking down obstetrician, passing out and emergency c-sections - we cover off all the details (well, as much is appropriate for a podcast) from the day our wives gave us the greatest gifts in life.  We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: What surprised you the most about becoming a parent? How do you stop your toddler getting up at the crack of dawn? See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I just went for a little walk to get that burrito. Yeah. And nice coffee down there. Really nice. That guy down there. The people who live around here, they're all so beautiful. Thank you. Just not you, you fucking prawn.

Just the features. And I was just like, where am I? What do you mean? Like two arms and ten fingers? Two arms, two legs, except for Buster. Just exquisite. I just was like, where am I? What do you mean, like two arms and ten fingers? Two arms, two legs, except for Buster. Just exquisite. I just was like, all these good-looking people walking into the cafe and everyone's nicely dressed.

I'm like, fuck it, I'd hate to be below the poverty line walking through this suburb. Yeah. You're right now. How does it feel? Me. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. Don't fuck it up this time, though.

What? Don't fuck what up? You fucked the intro up for the Mick Fanning episode. Here we are. Don't tell people that. All right, go don't tell people that i don't know we're keeping that in okay because i ash i just power on through if there's a mistake i heard about it for like 48 hours after you're like we've got to re-record i fuck this is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come for advice, stop right now,

pull the handbrake up and get out of the car. Turn around and get the fuck out of here. Although today maybe I'll have some advice. Nah, I'm just messing with you. Anyone who takes advice from Ashton Wicks. Don't say my full name. The ATO are after me. Hey, Ash. Yes. don't say my full name the ato are after me hey ash yes i want to say condolences for not winning the bitcoin better be a competition uh that is now over i don't need the money that's a lie i definitely need the money

but congratulations to those who have won yes your bitcoins what's that 45 grand each the boys are just slinging up bitcoins like it was gone out of fashion i know i wish they'd sling me one yeah we could go halves in a bitcoin did you message i feel like you would have messaged them and when you're like on a night out no i'm waiting for elon musk to write back to my dm if i reach out to the boys but look i didn't win you didn't win that i know. Someone did win and I don't know who it is. But I will find you. I have a unique set of skills.

But it's not all bad news because July is over. Dry July has finished and I'm back on the Arbo Ale. The Arbo Ale. Back to my, back to, no place like home. Back in your neck of the woods. No place like home. Whenever I get an order of Better Beer, there's mainly more cases of this than the rest because it is my favourite.

What's so good about it? Why do you love it so much? It's just got a nice little bit of a sweet taste to it. It's not too bubbly. I gave my mum one actually. What did she think of it? She really liked it. She was like, oh, shit, it's pretty good.

She's a massive piss head though. No, she's not. She is. Whenever I've spoken to her on the phone, she's always wine. She's always. Don't tell her that. She'd hate that. She drinks moderately.

Anyway, thank you, Better Beer. We're going to crack this. Beautiful. Cheers, my friend. Cheers. Oh, my God. The doorbell's just rung. Busty's gone.

Off his head. I would just like to apologize for that little interruption. That's all right. Guess what it was. It was a stripper. Let's do it. What do you wish? Laura's online shopping.

You get it delivered to work. That is a rookie mistake, Laura. You're meant to be on a spending freeze. Jesus Christ. I'm always on a spending freeze, allegedly. How are you feeling after a big weekend, Ash, in the club? Well, we went out Thursday night, me and you. I got to bed about 1 o'clock on Friday night.

And then I finished up at about 3.30 on Saturday night. Where'd you end up? The Ivy. How easy the Ivy? Shit, I had to pay like 35 bucks to get in. I'm an old man now. Did you say guys? I had to.

It was for a birthday. Line up to get in? Yeah, it was fucked. How long did you line up for? I can't remember. I was so drunk. It was good. I had a good time. It was for a birthday. We stayed in the city. It was nice. Got to get in yeah it was fucked how long do you line up for i can't remember i was so drunk it was good i had a good time it was for a birthday we stayed in the city it was nice got to sleep in a little little boogie on the dance floor i don't remember a whole lot cool did you find it that no someone i spoke to ash and i was like did you have a big night he's like

no no i wasn't that big and then i jumped onto the two doting dads instagram page and someone had tagged you in a video and it was at like three in the morning oh my god love is pumping lasers everyone's going wild and it zooms in on one guy just standing there looking like he's lost his keys just concerned look on his face i'm like and they tagged at two2. In the club. I don't know how people like that sort of music. It was wild. I was there for a 30th, but I was looking around going,

I'm fucking old. Yeah. But at the same time, I was also like, I can do what I want. I'm out there slaying. Are you though? No. I was just yawning. was like laser large i'm still recovering from a little little drink we had on thursday thursday or friday morning which one

it was good team bonding oh yes good team bonding how many arguments we had over that time a lot it was good uh since then my parenting is just it's fallen to pieces ash yeah i do that to people it's all going to shit yeah i do i had a moment where i don't know if oscar ever does this marley just started doing it where whenever i'm cooking dinner she's like daddy can i help and i get something that i should you should embrace that well that's what i thought at first i was like no it's too hard i just wanted like i'm just want to get these veggies chopped steam them and then we can move on but then i was like do you know what i am gonna allow her to step up into the kitchen be my little sous chef then i realized you know when you do things and afterwards you go that was really fucking dumb did you gordon ramsier and be like what are you an idiot sandwich

oh yeah i was i was swearing at her oh she was in tears like what is this with the hands what is this you call this scrambled eggs fucking disgusting and i was chopping some veggies not the carrots the zucchinisucchinis are easy to cut And Marley was like Can I cut them? And I was like You're old enough Sure

She's four He's a chef's knife I was like Oh I didn't give her the big one I gave her the small knife You gave her a knife Was that a plastic knife? No it was

A butter knife Recently sharpened Cutting knife Holy shit What are you doing? Don't give me that tone knife was that a plastic knife no it was about a knife recently sharpened cutting knife holy shit what are you doing don't give me that tone i was trying to encourage her to step into the kitchen we're having a bonding session mate you're really first you're giving kids knives and now this is sexism but i she had one chop of the zucchini and I was like, this is a terrible decision. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then at that moment, Laura's come in and I'm there on my phone scrolling.

And I was like, perfect. She's like, what are you fucking doing? Why is Marley got a knife? And I was like, she wanted it. She asked for it. Anyway, afterwards I was like, oh, man, what am I doing? Yeah, don't give kids- Guys, if you're listening, don't give your kids knives.

Sometimes you've just got to veer off the track to realize, get back on the track. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you need a loss to come back to be like, I need to be better than that. Yeah. Like Macy does this thing where she just somehow finds where the knives are, wherever I put them,

and walks out with a knife. Somehow she'll open the dishwasher. Like she's got super strength to be like. How the fuck did she open it? She's tiny. I know. How did she even reach that? And then she just goes quiet.

And I look over and she's like got the chef's knife. I'm like, oh, my God. Mate, if it keeps him happy, let her have it. Yeah. Until it chops her hand. Give her some zucchini. But she's holding it by the blade like that. And I'm like. Do you ever think I'll just leave it for one more minute

because she's quiet? Just yank it out that way. Oh, no. I was like, put down the knife, like a hostage situation. I was like, excuse me, lady. It's not worth it, Maisie. It's not that bad. You're not going to get in trouble.

She's like, I want a getaway vehicle. Why do kids love knives so much? I don't know. That's right. She started going. What has she been watching? Hanging out with April too long. Sea beast, baby.

Sea beast. They stab a lot in there. There's a lot of stabbing in sea beast. There's a lot of drinking and stabbing for a child. Hey, just really quickly. I did. I know you gave me some homework because you're like, it's not a pooning hack. It's a pooning style.

It's a hack. You did it once and you didn't work, did it? No. No. Didn't work? Look, it wasn't ideal. The kids don't care. Your kids don't care about competition.

Yeah. Not yet. Yeah. But this is how it went down. Hey, Marley. I bet I can eat that corn faster than you. No. Marley.

I bet I can eat the corn faster. Show me how fast you can eat it. Ready? No. Ready, Marley? No. Here we go. No. I'm going to eat the corn first. Ready? No. Ready? So, she didn't care. She we go. No. I'm going to eat the corn first. Ready? No. Ready? So she didn't care.

She didn't give a shit. Literally didn't care a single iota. Like no interest. Wow. She's not competitive. I think it's- Must be a boy thing. It's a girl thing.

I think Marley- It's a girl thing they don't care. Well, like I always thought april wasn't competitive right like not an overly competitive person until one time we got on the sangrias on a new year's eve at a friend's house and the beer pong came out and she got real competitive turned out her my best friend fight full fight like a competitive fight over this i just separate them wild yeah so i don't know. Maybe they'll grow into the competitive parenting.

Are they throwing fists? Oh, nearly. Headlocks? Over beer pong? We got pretty lit on sangria during the day. Mate, sometimes sangria will do that to people. That's because she's not allowed to drink sangria anymore. It'll make the nicest individual turn into an animal.

Oh, yeah. April is not immune to that. Anyway, so it didn't work. Whatever. So, for that mate thanks for nothing i i wanted it to work i tried it for dinner i tried one of those starter guns interview all the runners my he's just like shut up oh yeah look marley's a little bit more intellectual than oscar i would say really like i can i can easily just be like to oscar be like come on you gotta race me there gotta race me let's go and they'd be like okay i'll time you that is the dream i want that doesn't work all the time we have been teasing ash teasing i feel like i'm missing what am i missing what are we teasing go the childbirth story

you were being a big old cock tease last episode would you like to go first with your story or i can go first whatever you like first of all i just want to say there's no way that you and i could do what our wives have done oh my god That should cover us, right? Yeah. That'll get us out of trouble for anything that comes after that. So, obviously, I have two kids. So, look, there's two birthing stories. That's so strange. They're not going to be... Yeah, it is strange, except for people who have twins,

and that wouldn't be strange. Okay. I apologise. Yeah, you should. Shouldn't be a smart ass. I mean, Oscar was meant to be a natural birth. And on the day that was, you know, the due date, it was meant to be my last day of work.

Okay. Because it was like, okay, well, after this, a baby could come, right? You did your last day of work on the due date? Yeah, on the due date. Oh, that's high risk. Well. Got to earn the monies. I would have just left. Yes, risk well gonna earn the monies i would have just left yes yeah of course you'd think that i would have just left anyway i may be jumping ahead so tell me to shut up if i'm asking questions that you're about to answer did her waters break

no thankfully thankfully so last day i work and was also a friend of mine's last day of work but for a different reason he was moving on he was actually going back overseas so after work we stopped at the pub at the bottom oh my god you didn't i didn't tell her that i was going to the pub i bet you didn't but it was like just just like a, you know, last little hurrah drink. Two drinks, two pints. Quickly escalated. Anyway, so we went early. So it was like I didn't finish till five.

We went on like 4.30, 30 minutes, whatever. You're unbelievable. I had to get a bus home anyway. So it's not like I could have just been like run all the way home. Did you stick to two pints? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it stuck to two because I got the call during the second pint. Lucky april rang me and she goes oh hey like how are you i'm like yeah good she's like oh you like you're coming home i'm like yeah yep i'm coming home she goes oh yeah just don't be alarmed uh i'm in labor and i was like what she goes well technically

i'm in labor i'm like i'm fine so she's at fine. She's like, look, I've got a little bit of pelvic pain, but I'm in labor apparently and I'm dilated. And I was like, what? Holy shit. I was like, oh, okay. I'm on my way home now. Neck the beer. One more drink, please.

I get one more. I'm like, sorry, guys. Got to go. Duty calls. And then so there's that. And then I've got to get. Duty calls. And then, so there's that. And then I've got to get on a bus. Were you excited? Were you nervous?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't not excited. To be honest. Sometimes, sometimes. I was pretty green. I didn't know really what all that meant. You know, it's quite a nerve wracking experience. Sometimes you could be more apprehensive because it's a fucking big deal.

Like it's obviously you're excited to meet this little human. I was more like, I don't know what a lot of those words mean, but I'm coming home now. And then get home. She's like, it's a little bit more painful. She's like, but I'm okay. Fine. We don't need to go to the hospital.

I'm like, okay, cool. So I haven't really done the wrong thing. Could have. And then we had something to eat or whatever and they progressively got worse and worse, as they do. We went to the hospital just to get a check and as it happens, they're like, you're not going home because you're essentially in labour.

In labour for, you know, quite some time, overnight. Hours? Like I said, I couldn't do it. You know, I couldn't do what she was doing. She didn't have epidural, that sort of stuff. Did you guys already have the bag packed full of the essential yeah i had it in the car just in case but then we also had like her mom on call if we needed anything else or whatever and yeah then eventually like it came time to push i don't want to prolong this story because you could be like oh yeah then we had dinner like i had dinner what did you have actually sat on that

really uncomfortable reclining chair that you meant to sleep on. Oh, they're terrible, aren't they? I know. I was too busy pushing and I'm like. So bad we've got it. And then it comes time to push and, I mean, April put in a real good effort. Push, push. We had to try and use the vacuum to vacuum out.

Epidural? Epidural, yeah, yeah. But she was just like poor man like i said i don't know how they do it like i've pushed out some mean shit but nothing nothing like that and it's like she was like pushing pushing wouldn't come he was what they call it posterior yes i know yeah so head down stark wrong way yeah completely stark our obstetrician wasetrician was like, eventually he's like, he's not coming out. We need to have an emergency. And I think April at that point was like, don't care, just get him out of me.

Like we knew it was a boy. Yeah. Yeah, so all of a sudden they hit that button on the wall. Wait, what button? There's like a confetti comes down. They're like, poo. We got a winner. He's stuck and um yeah so i pressed the button all of a sudden there's like 15 people ready to carry because they've got to move you onto a different

bed to get you ready for surgery and theater sorry and all that sort of stuff right anyway they press the button and i'm like oh fuck where's all these fucking people come from and then they're like moving into beds and then they're like come Ashley, you've got to come with us. How many hours do you think roughly from when you guys arrived at hospital to this point? Are we talking like- Well, we arrived at hospital at about nine o'clock the night before. Oscar was born at about 11.30 PM. Oh, that's a long stint.

So at this point, more importantly, how is your back after being in that chair for so long? Fucked. It's still bad. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Yeah. Look, lots of money has been spent on my car right now. It's been the same since. Yeah.

It's never been the same since, honestly. I don't know. But that's pretty, it's such an unknown, right? You're just like, hey, I'm just a little passenger on this experience. Yeah. And I guess you tell me what's going to happen. Because all, like, I can do and, like, any man can do is just be like, try and just be there, right?

That's all you can really do. Get yelled at. Cop it. Thankfully, April, not too bad. Like, she was pretty much like, you know, it was just me trying to comfort her the whole time. Holding hands. Oh, I'm not touching her.

Yeah, yeah. Did you ever try and say, come on, April, big breaths? No, I don't. Nice indeed. I didn't want to do any like. Yeah, I did that. That was the worst I ever did. I didn't want to be like, push a bit harder next time, yeah?

I was like, you know, next time when you get a contraction, be like. Yeah, there was one moment where I was like, come on, Laura. You can do it. You can do it. In through the nose, out through the mouth. And she's like, shut the fuck up. Shut up, Matthew.

I was like, I will not do that again. Yeah, so all the people come into the room and they're like moving into more of a theatre bed, which is fine until they say, Ash, you've got to come out now with us. And right there on the floor is a big pile of turd. My wife has pushed out, so I'm like, oh, let me just get round that. So I'm going to pick that up. Well, you can push that thing out.

You push that out. Look, it was pretty mushy. And I vividly remember that. Because I was like, babe. Have some respect. Have I ever done that in front of you? So every time I fart in front of her now, I'm like, remember that time you shat on the floor?

I remember a lot of people kind of said like, hey, just so you're aware, this may happen. There's shitting on the floor. No one told me. Oh, no one told you? No. She's got a shot on my foot. Like, I was wearing brand new shoes.

Do you offer to clean it up? No, no, it's not my job. Did you say to the nurse? There was another 12 blokes there. And we go down to the theatre as you do that, prepping for theatre, blah, blah, blah, and then I'm in like the small little prep theater area where like i'm doing the paperwork bit right there's a little bit of paperwork you're gonna do anyway they pushed her into the theater and before they move it off from that bed to the operating bed they're like one two three lift and all i hear is this big

bang and i thought she's on the ground. She's fallen on the ground. She didn't fall on the ground, Matthew. But, like, that was my first initial thought. Then I all of a sudden started to think about that movie, What to Expect When You're Expecting. There's one of the couples in there. The wife starts to lose blood and he's thinking about whether he's going to be a single dad for his whole life now immediately.

So I'm just in this. So these thoughts are now running through your head. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like everything's okay you can come in sat down and obviously they do i don't know i don't want to look i can't we're talking about this well hang on what was the big crash it was just the noise of april moving beds because it's like sterile environments it just that's what they tell me it echoed i probably dropped her and she fell through the floor. Yeah. She's gone. She's in the theater room downstairs. And then, like, yeah, I didn't want to look.

The curtain. I remember the obstetrician. And the rest is a bit of a blur. It's all adrenaline for everyone that's in the room, right? And I remember they dropped the curtain and, like, he was half out of the stomach and they, like, turned him around and, like, and I was just like, put him back, put him back. Is he still in the sack at that point no no he was just screaming he was purple screaming like which

is a good thing if they're screaming right because they're getting all the shit out of it and they're like do you want to hold i'm like no wrap that thing up. I was just like, ugh. And then obviously after that, it's a beautiful moment, right? Baby's born. Great, some photos. And everything went swimmingly except for the fact that he was just screamed for like three or four days after that. So that was Oscar. But the next one was a planned C-section

because we had an emergency C-section. Can I just ask, before you go on to baby number two. It'll be really quick. It'll be really quick. Don't you fucking. Shut up and listen to my story with um we haven't been involved in a cesarean is that a moment of just a kind of stitch april up and then she's good to go or could she hold the baby good to go like up you pop out you go see you next time you can walk out no so like i gotta next time. You can walk out now. So, like, I got to take the baby. So, I'm with the baby for, like, hours at this point.

Not hours. It felt like hours. Did you go shirt off? Not at first. No skin on skin? Not at that point, no. It was like, thankfully, my mother-in-law and father-in-law were there and came out and we were, you know, everyone had a hold and it was nice.

But, like, he screamed the whole time. So, that wasn't nice. But he did he did like stop bits and pieces during that. But I mean, can't blame him. The guys just come out of a comfortable sack. Warm womb. Womb into the bright lights of a fucking hospital. Also dim the lights a bit. Like the poor kid's like.

Bit of mood lighting. I can imagine that's what it would be like being abducted by aliens and they're like, okay, turn the light on. Flashlight on. It's like, guys, just a bit of mood lighting if you're going to stick something up my fucking rectum. Yeah, look, the whole 24 hours was very stressful when it came to pushing because she pushed for ages and ages and ages.

It was kind of like not the plan. It was a bit like all of a sudden you're going into like and those out who are listening who have had the same thing it's like all of a sudden you're going into like a serious surgery where you could die essentially if you lose blood so yeah there's a lot of high emotion for a couple of days afterwards yeah it wasn't smooth sailing which probably a lot of them aren't yeah i think i think a lot of people go into these experiences with a set idea of what their plan is and you kind of got to realize that it's not really up to you yeah in a lot of situations it's up to the medical staff to be

like this is the new way we're going and we have to do this because of x y and z and you're just like well sweet i'm not gonna yeah i've got a friend who have two kids in there both kids she lost a lot of blood like during the vaginal birth and like nearly died both times it's like you just can't plan for that yeah but this is it hang on a second 825 we didn't have lose blood here yeah he would have nearly die at 9 30 at night that's high level in terms of emotion for the first one. The second one, and I couldn't suggest this more, a plant C-section, it's like checking into a hotel. It's great. Like turn up, a bit nerve-wracking, you know, turn up, check in,

you know, check all April's bloods, do all that sort of stuff, poke and prod in her. I'm just on my phone. Can I ask another question, Ash? Not to sound naive here, but if your first is not vaginal, your first is a cesarean, your second has to then be a cesarean. Look, I'm not a doctor. No.

Yeah, we'll just... Just to cover me there. I'd love it if people to their doctor were like, well, actually, I heard Ash say on Two Goating Dads that this can be a vaginal birth. Well, guys, there's a guy that I listen to. I've never met him. Obstetrician Ash.

He was drinking a beer at the time. Taking bookings. Yeah, fully. I'll talk you through it. Look, I think there's a really high risk of it splitting during pushing, hemorrhaging. I don't know. Look, like I said, I'm not a physician. I'm taking that as gospel.

We had to. We had to. People are going to be like, she wouldn't have had to have done it. Look, we were advised by someone who I paid money to, right? So we just took the advice. So checked into the hotel, the baby-making hotel. So you book a time. You go in.

We're like, let's do it first thing in the morning. Get it done with. Get it over with. Because I don't want to be waiting all day in the hospital. Going to the theater, like this time time not as rushed nice calm it was actually a really nice was there still that same bang when they put april on the table there was the bang no bang now i'm suspicious and i'm facing abril she's sitting on the side because they're putting the painkillers in

epidural whatever so that she can't feel them cutting her or anything like that. I'm facing her like this. And all of a sudden a hot flush comes over me in that moment. For anyone who's Ash and I. We're facing each other. Facing each other. Obviously. We're not back to back.

So she's on like the edge of the bed. Yeah, yeah. And I'm facing her like that. And I just hit the deck. Faint. Full faint. And I've got a photo here. I don't know if I'm the first man ever to faint in a planned C-section.

I would like to know, actually. There he is. Oh. Legs up. Legs up on the chair, eyes packed. No one was even attending to April. The nurse was like, are you okay? Oh, my fucking God.

So I vividly remember I was like holding April's hands and I was like just looking at April. I couldn't see anything. All I could see was April. And then I was like, ugh on the ground woke up towel on my head they gave me an orange juice which was nice that is so fucking i actually spent the rest of the birth like that you poor poor thing it's all about me anyway so our obstetrician took this photo because she was just like you're a pussy get off before and you just stayed there or they like it's the safest place to be you don't

want to get back up and then well they're like we don't want this child to see how much of a pussy their father is so you better get up yeah so that was the second one which everything else went really smoothly after that you made a full recovery i've made a full recovery well never been the same since i've never been the same what about you matthew how did you go i was a little bit strange in that we were in the midwifery program and unfortunately how fun is it to say that midwifery yeah it's a fucking good word midwifery midwifery and a lot of people said this that's the best when you go public that's like the one you want you kind of got to elect it and then depending on availability you may or may not get it towards the tail and unfortunately the

midwife i mean one of her parents was unwell who cares you're like it's not my problem this is about us not you so she had to go back to Perth and then we were then passed around a few different midwives. Did you not splurge for the obstetrician? We didn't. Sorry, moneybags. Jeez, it must be nice. It must be nice.

You're bringing life into this world. Okay. Well, I think it was a case where every midwife thought the other midwife had told us like what was happening next oh the classic miscommunication so we were rocking up and they were kind of like no one really knew they're like oh did chantelle say this and we're like no and they're like oh that's weird anyway see you later we'll see you soon and then we missed our due date so they were like you're going to be induced and then one of the midwives said come in on tuesday and we kind of assumed that was for our

next appointment so we drive to the hospital for the tuesday appointment and the next midwife is then seeing us and she looks at us a little bit confused and goes oh you guys pack light because we had nothing and we're like oh what do you mean and like oh you're about to be induced surprise then she hits that button surprise you didn't know it got him and they're like got him fellas it was it was such a fucking random moment we didn't even have the bag half packed, but it was at home. So all of a sudden, Laura... I know how organized you are too. I'm actually...

I was quite bad. Obviously, Laura was... She was in charge of packing her bag. She probably forgot she was pregnant. And Laura kind of said, oh, Matt, can you go back home? Can you get the bag? Can you bring this, this and this? And I was like, fuck, it's happening. said oh matt can you go back home can you get the bag can you bring this this and this and i was

like fuck it's happening i never expected it to be this much of a surprise but she got induced and similar scenario where marley was posterior so head down facing the wrong way baby got stuck and it wasn't too long like it wasn't a really drawn out like wasn't over 12 hours, but it was still a really long time. And it got to the point where the baby was just- Not coming. No longer moving. Baby was stuck. And the midwife at the time, who didn't know what was going on,

she was like, okay, if the baby doesn't move anymore, we may be in a bit of trouble here. And at the same time, one of the head obstetricians, I can't remember his name but he was what they say is like the godfather of he's like today the day he was he was about 60 odd and everyone said within the industry yeah if you call it that he is regarded as one of the best and by, he happened to be on call and was walking down the hallway past our room and was like, oh, are you Matty J?

Yeah. And he popped in and he was inquisitive. And then moments later, there was a group of student medical nurses. An episode of Scrubs. And obviously, Laura was focused on pushing and someone kind of tapped me on the shoulder and said, do you mind if the students come in? And they're not like high school students. They're like adults.

His preschool walks in. But I said, of course. Please, make yourself comfortable. Take a seat. Yeah. Front row, reserved. Popcorn, anybody? No babies moving. There was probably about, I want to say, my memory is somewhat blurred, Ash,

but I want to say there was about eight or nine students. Wow. Full house. That's a full house. That's a party. I was like, I could have squeezed two more in there. That's a baby house that's a party i was like i could have squeezed two more in there that's a baby shower that's what that is and i remember there was a moment the students are watching on and this obstetrician who is you know such an expert he learned over to

laura and he said hey you know you've really got to push here okay the next push i want it to be really really big as big as you got give me everything and remember you got to push me away okay and i remember thinking that's a weird thing to say what do they mean by that and laura looked at him and gave him a little nod as in i understand what you need fear not i've got this and she just retracted her arms leant forward and gave this old guy the obstetrician the biggest push you've ever seen he went flying he flew across the room now what was the most regarded obstetrician he was horizontal oh my god yeah he landed on on the floor and i was like get him laura do it again get him while he's down headlock it was like wwe and what he meant ash which i now know is if you push me away i won't have to get involved and oh cut you open. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. But Laura and I thought that he meant-

Push him away physically. Which I blame him. Yeah, look. Shit choice of words. Be more specific in that moment. Yeah. If he's the most regarded, imagine what the least regarded would have said. That was amateur hour by him.

Anyway. So, we got back up and, you know, they had to- I'm not a doctor. what do they call when you have azeotomy thank you very much dr ash yes so that's uh that's how it progressed which is fucking horrific oh for you especially similar to yourself i mean i can't imagine cesarean's obviously a step above that but you're just this person in the room who is so useless i'm so useless like other than like the odd you're doing like in my head i was like give laura some encouragement so i'll be like

you're doing great honey like you don't i feel like they feel like you don't want to be patronizing too like oh you're doing really good. So, I think holding the hand and if she said, I want a water, like I'd be. Yeah, that's like, that's all you can do. Straight on to it. You're like, water boy. I was there, two jugs, ready to go. Ready to go.

But like after that, like just smooth sailing through. It's never smooth sailing, let's be completely honest. If you're having a baby or about to have a baby right now or just had a baby there is no such thing as smooth sailing as smooth as it can be because it's honestly like i said your life will never be the same once it does pop out of there screaming its fucking head off and some of them stop screaming but others like oscar just hadn't stopped fucking screaming marley was was pretty good like she was pretty quiet she's like hey yeah she was in her eyes open she was quite alert i remember them saying oh she's quite she's quite alert for it yeah did they did you do the hearing test and they look like a dj after they put the two big things over the ears there's like earrings all fine

and then this may not come as a surprise ash but i took my clothes off and uh went skin to skin you love taking your kid off yeah you're like pants off they're like sir not that's not what we mean by skin to skin i was shirt off about halfway through i was i was prepared i was greased up in the corner get me this baby ready to wrestle let's go my mom was in the room as well which was quite nice if her clothes on both just standing naked we're ready but i remember when i first held marley and i was like holy fuck i am now a dad you know this moment i've been waiting for for nine months and at that moment i had a little cry and i wasn't like a blubbering mess but i was just like the rush of emotion is a high like nothing i've ever experienced totally yeah and like i haven't held a lot of babies when

before that that's a lie you would you would go around the playground all the time does he want a little one more honestly i was like can i put it down now because i was i was just like surely he's uncomfortable i wasn't fit you know how like you to be, like, occupationally fit for it. I was like, it's getting kind of heavy. But I was also fucking petrified. Yeah, yeah. This little delicate thing. At the same time, yeah, yeah.

Like, I had my mother-in-law and my father-in-law there. Like, thankfully, they were like, that's, you know. And I was like, I'll shake it out, man. Got cramped. Yeah, at the same time, I was just, like, so hadn't slept either because I was, you know, next to April the whole time. Yeah, look. It's an ordeal.

And then the reality of parenting. Sinks right in. When you're driving home at 40 Ks an hour, like, is it okay? Is it still breathing? Is it there? Yeah. It's still good? Oh, man.

The first time they have a decent sleep, you're like, is he dead? Yeah. And you've got to go in there. Finger under the nose. Yeah, and you're like. Stomach is up and down. His eyes just open up and it's like. You're like, fuck.

Well, that's a good story, Matthew, but let's move on into my favourite segment. Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies. Ash, as always, we dive deep into the DMs. Open your beer. Go on.

Go on. And we select the best lies that are submitted by the doting moms and dads of social media. We get many, many lies. We do. We get a lot of really good lies. We're helping each other out. Unfortunately, only time for two. Ash, your best one. best one what do you got yes my best one this week and i can't believe we haven't said this one it's on the list of lies that we've received we keep a list and it just jogged my memory about something i do as well so this one says when you're at the

shop obviously you say all the toys at the shop are display only. Very good. Which is very good. Very good. Because we all know what that's like. You're like, ah, I don't know. Sometimes you just buy them and just shut them the fuck up. Off the back of this, what we do with Oscar is,

and I did make a video about this a while ago, is when we go to the shops, because they're display only, we take a photo of Oscar holding the toy so he can look back at it later when it comes to his birthday or Christmas and it's just like, okay, just to remind us what he really, really liked. Brilliant. There you go. Brilliant. So that, you know, they say there's no advice here.

Take that one and run with it, Matthew. That's all yours. What have you brought for us today? I think that's a great lie in general, but there's extensions of that lie. Okay, Ash, this one comes from Jessica. She has submitted this one on the Two Dirty Dads Instagram page, which is the best way to give us your lies. If you haven't read out on the podcast, which I'm sure it would be the highlight of one's week, Ash.

Oh, and call to action. Go and follow it, please. If you're not following it, go and follow it. Jump aboard. But Jessica says, I tell my daughter the small car, the merry-go-rounds at the shopping centers only work on your birthday. shopping centers only work on your birthday. So she is now two and a half and will run up to the kids who's playing on them and say, happy birthday. That's great.

The parents always look at her with a very weird, strange look on their face. Look, that's really cool. That's clever. What a lovely daughter. You're also making people's day as well because they think they're like- It's my birthday? That's great. It's my birthday.

Sure. The other parents are like- Oh, God, no, it's not your birthday. It's me there with Oscar. I'm like, oh, God. Look, that's clever because, look, those things are- Spending. They're four bucks a go.

Inflation, hitting hard. And, you know, crafty motherfuckers too. They've put the little pay wave on there. When were coins you could easily be like sorry sorry bud don't have any coins because daddy's poor now it's just like look this they know they know what it is because give me your phone yeah give it here and like oscar knows how to use my phone you know it's my passcode i'll be like mate you say that kids aren't smart. They're fucking, they know what's going on. I know. They know what's going on.

Hey, let's answer some listener questions, Ashton. Yes. Matthew, how do you stop your toddler getting up at the crack of dawn? Yes, very good question. Two things that I do, Ash. One is I put them to bed quite late. I keep them up to midnight. I keep them up till 4 a.m.

I'm like, sleep this one off. Sometimes I go to bed at 8 o'clock and they sleep until 7. It's fucking great. 7 is good. 7 is the dream. 7 is good. I just was thinking like last night, how good would it be to get like 12, 13 hours of sleep? I don't know how good they got it. Dude, we were away i think it was maybe it was the morning that we

left and i had to leave here at like 5 30 to get to the airport laura messaged me and said the kids all slept in to like 7 45 oh yeah how good's that yeah well one thing that i've started to do which long term is a fucking nightmare but short term it's great i have laid on me I've started to do, which long term is a fucking nightmare, but short term, it's great. Lay it on me. I've started, and Lord will be so disappointed in me, I've started giving- What?

If it's quite early, say it's like the annoying window is between 5 to 6 because it's probably too late for them to go back to sleep, but you don't want to get up at 5 o'clock so you're like what can i give them i will give them a baby bottle so marley's four i'll give her a bottle of milk in a baby bottle in bed still we should take her back to sleep not always just quiet yeah just it gives me my kids have a bottle every morning both of them together it's like a bonding thing oh really like that oh we'll get them up they'll come into bed with us and have a bottle and then we'll all just sit there.

Yeah, right. It's quite nice. See, I know some people, I remember at the age of two, another parent was like, your children are still on bottles? And I was like, yeah, I guess. A judgemental. This is a no judge area. Never going to judge.

Whatever's easiest for you out there. If a parent told me that their child wakes up at five o'clock and they give them a beer to get them to go back to sleep i'd be like i get it you're like path of least resistance explains a lot but now marley's back on so i have to have to say you know to marley hey don't don't tell mom don't tell mom which shouldn't do that secrets are bad but then so marley will come to me and she's like, hey, dad, give me a bottle. Give me a bottle of that sweet stuff. But it's like four in the afternoon. You're like, no.

It's not going to happen. Well, we've changed. Like, I still have oat milk. It's a really good way. Fuck, I'm full of hints today. You belong in the eastern suburbs, mate. Giving your fucking kids oat milk. He had a dairy intolerance.

Is he celiac as well? Fucking hell. Mine's a glutton. Here's a handy hint, Matthew. It's a really good way to get your kids to drink water is you put a bit of milk in, heat it up for 30 seconds, then you cool it down a bit with the rest of it being water. Yes.

Bam, hydrated. I feel like everyone does that. Oh, okay. Well, I've got to say, fuck myself then. What you're telling me is effectively just like, hey, there's a thing called a dummy. There's a thing called like general knowledge. No shit, Ash.

Yeah, okay, right. Next question. What surprised you the most about becoming a parent, Ash? I'm surprised that I went 30 years without using wipes. What do you mean? Like I can't live without them. I think we've been over this before. But I just want to stress I love wipes.

It's the best thing about having kids. They are one of the best parts. And I'm surprised. How did I live without them? Not wiping on my anus. Which I'm. Which I know you're assuming what I mean. Well, I use them sometimes.

Sometimes if it's a it's a treat I use it like with food I'm like like I got a burrito here I'm like where are your wipes

I'm like a fiend for them I have to make sure that when you come over to record that we have enough wipes I saw that you got

like one of those the enormous thing this is for kids don't touch these wipes. These are for Uncle Ash. It's the super saver pack. Just like.

But also, it's quite handy as well if the benchtop's quite messy. Little cheeky wipe. I wiped the floor with it yesterday. Yeah, man. I'll wipe anything with it. I'll wash the car with them. It's just I'm just out there. They are bloody great. They out there. They are bloody great.

They are great. They are great. Anyway, so I'm surprised I've got through my whole life before having kids. So I've got them to thank them for that, I guess. For me, it's just how much of a... Loser you are. Yeah.

An emotional loser. I now cry more than ever. Look, no one wants to hear that. That's all we've got time for. Okay, well, thanks very much. Remember to, if you like this episode, please go leave a review. Leave a review.

Subscribe. Jump on our Instagram. If you are going to give us a review and you're going to drop in and give us five stars, I love it so much reading the reviews. Yeah, Matt loves that shit. It makes my week. And when I see someone's left a review as a number of stars

and not written anything... It's worthless. It's not. It's such a tease. It's not. And make sure you follow along our Instagram because we do some giveaways here or there. We've got some stuff coming up back into the year.

Of course, Father's Day... Oh, it's coming up. ...is coming up. So jump on. And father's day oh it's coming up is coming up so jump on and if you know a parent out there or maybe it could be just someone who's having a shit day and they don't have kids they're probably going to be like why are you sending me a parenting podcast because afterwards they'll feel better about not having kids i hope so but if you know a parent out there who's doing it tough needs a laugh and they want to hear two dads talk about how bad they are at parenting. Send them this.

That's why we're here. And Ash, I think we should pack up and get out of here. See you guys. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.