Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - The Great Zoo Swindle and a Tropical Ear Infection

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

Matt, Laura and the kids have just returned from being on Maggie Island for Laura's dad's 70th. Warm weather, beaches and catching up with the fam... what's not to love?! Just an infection that'd turn Lola into the Princess of Darkness !!! Ash wants to know - if your kid is sick and can't attend a birthday party, can you just keep the gift for the another party or do you have to still give it to the original intended recipient?  Another question for you - why do zoos make you trek through the gift store in order to leave? TO TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY AND MAKE LIFE FOR PARENTS HELL! Quite frankly, we've had enough and it's time for us parents stand up and say something! Sorry for all the yelling... We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: How do you think you guys would go in a same sex relationship with kids? What age has been your favourite so far with your kids? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm concerned. Yeah, why? I just got a very concerning email. From who? This is the title of the email. No time left. Someone's trying to extort me. They reckon they've got videos of me masturbating.

Wasn't it like you put the, don't you put tape over the camera on the Mac? I don't use the Mac. I'm a phone guy. And I put my thumb over like that. Even if they're getting any image, it's very, it'd be like a boomer taking a photo. Does that actually happen? Yeah, dude, apparently. But anyway, I've been doing that for years. But look, I like this email because he subtle brags about himself in it. So he's like, within the same week, I moved on with installing a Trojan virus in operating systems for all devices that you use to log into email. Frankly speaking, it wasn't a challenging task for me at all.

But then he goes on to say, since you were kind enough to click some of the links in your inbox email before. And he says, yeah, geniuses are amongst us. Did you click any links links i fucking don't know i know that he hasn't got anything of me like i know that because it's a habit now like literally that one i'm not like like that i'm like you're not gonna what are you gonna see and like my fingers are crossed like that at all times you might might see my face, but you just see me making some weird facials. We've already spoken about you masturbating for far too long. And over then, hang on.

I love how he signs his email off, whoever this guy. I love how he also like tells me that I'll never find him, like I'd dry. But also he signs the email off with be careful welcome back to t-doting dads i'm mad. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that is all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And we will not, at any point, give any type of advice. No, not any real advice. Ash. Yes.

Last episode. Yes, I recall. I made an awful mistake. You definitely did. And I have apologised profusely. I haven't taken any of them on board either. And I have really had a good hard look at myself. And once again, I apologize.

You love looking at yourself too. Look, I have got your gift. I will be washing the car. We didn't get to that last time because we ran out of time. But in addition to that, I also wanted to get you a very special gift. Yes. So here it is. Is that fish and chips?

Yes. Ash, happy birthday. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Gimme, gimme, gimme. I see. Fuck off. No. What is it?

Crocs. Hey, look at that not only did you forget my birthday you've given me the shittest gift that you could have possibly given me you're welcome i'm not wearing should i put them on now how quickly i change are you a size 10 yeah yeah great yeah big socks put them on turquoise in color colors on point i wanted something that was like still fun, not too full on. Like didn't want to get one of those like really punchy colors. Just something that could go with a lot of outfits, which is why I went for like the muted teal, I think it's called. Muted teal.

Okay, now fucking put them on and tell me that's not the most comfortable thing you've ever worn in your life. Do I wear them in regular or four-wheel drive mode? I go regular. I haven't gone sports mode. I'm going to do a couple of laps up the hallway. They're taking for a quick spin, yeah. Go just in your own time.

Don't rush it. There he is. That's how I do it. Oh, there he is. He's loving it. There's a smile on Ash's face right now. I'm going to put them in sports mode. Okay, he's putting them in sports mode. I feel like's face right now. I want to put him in sports mode. Okay, he's putting him in sports mode.

I feel like I don't like... You want to be more stable. You want to be secure. Watching Ash turn into someone who wants... The Thai work boots. What do you think? They look good. They look great.

Stop pretending like you hate them. Did you get me a matching puffer jacket? Broke the budget on the Crocs. I'll do the you hate them. Did you get me a matching puffer jacket? Broke the budget on the Crocs. I'll do the show in them and then I'll give them a score rating. Just for the record, Ash is continuing to wear the Crocs. I'm going to wear them for the episode. And then? Then I'll give them a score rating.

I'll try and barefoot after. I'm not liking it with socks on. Where are they sitting right now out of 10? They're sitting on the end of my feet. But what would you score it it's a weird feeling the little you're like ribbed for my pleasure yeah they are it is is this shoe or a sex toy and barefoot it's even nicer okay we'll give it a go after but thank you look thank you i appreciate the gesture.

You are welcome. They're the actual Crocs. He didn't even go the cheap version. He went cheaped out for me. What's the cheap version? I don't know. They probably have cheap. Mate, they're very expensive.

Very expensive. For what they are. What about that video you posted and it had like the guy had lights? You can get accessories if you want. Get a life, people. Just that's what i gotta say next week i'll see you and i'll have like all the accessories they've got bluetooth now those lights are cheap they're fun it's fun and quirky when you're a dad you gotta just lean into the quirkiness anything things like hawaiian shirts things like crocs

burn stocks and socks i'll do that yeah i fucking know you do dude i do it everywhere it doesn't make any sense that you draw the line it's socks and birkenstocks and then you're like crocs what kind of fucking loser wears crocs mate you're already there you're already there i'm already my own problem why do you fight it so much? What happened? Something's happened between you and Crocs. Trauma.

Once I wore them and got really bad blisters. Did you? No, I made that up. I just don't like them. Anyway, let's move on. Let's move on. Matthew, you've been away. How was your trip?

Look, Ash, if I'm going to be really honest. Can I stop you right there? Yes. I've made an observation about you. What's that? I know that you didn't have a good trip. I know that. Do you know how I know that?

How? Because you're the most contactable you've ever been. So, you're looking for any excuse to get out of that situation. You're like, it rang once. You're like, how do you hold? Yep. Yep. Call me back in 10.

Yep. Yep. You've never answered the phone so much and so regularly and so quickly. I did that because of knowing what kind of mental state you were in after the birthday incident. You're concerned. I wanted to be as available as possible for you, Ash. But you're also, look, it was, this trip almost broke us. Wow. I would say.

It was probably the hardest trip that we've ever done. You know, sometimes like every trip that you take with a kid, it's never smooth sailing. It's a nightmare. There's always going to be something bad that goes wrong. But in the weight of good things versus hard things, I always like to think that it falls in favor of it being like you know overall good a good trip and this one look overall like if i had to wait up was a

good trip there were really nice moments but in the middle of the trip i thought to myself this is just one of those trips that's just going to be really shit he's got to get through it it's just going to be one that we will never speak of again. We'll have to just delete all the photos as soon as we get back to Sydney and we'll never speak of Maggie Island ever again. It's chaos. One of those chaos holidays where you're like. It was hard.

You were better off staying home. Well, you didn't go on a holiday. You went for a reason, really. It was for Laura's dad's 70th birthday. He lives up north on Magnetic Island. And from the get-go, you know when you book flights and you think, what time do I want to get there? Do I want to get there in the afternoon and, like,

have a relaxing travel day? It's never relaxing, though, is it? No. And then what makes it even harder is when you think, no, actually, I'll get the early flight. I'll get the 6.20 a.m. flight, which means we get there by lunchtime and we still have the afternoon. Did you get the kids dressed or they go in the pajamas to the airport?

No, I went pajamas. Yeah, how good is that? How funny is it when they're walking around the airport in their pajamas? Also, kind of jealous. Laura and I, stupidly, I don't get people who pack like weeks in advance like oh april's the bag we pack sit in the room for like two weeks but then aren't you just packing the clothes that they were going to wear anyway it tells me one thing that our kids have too many clothes 100 because they can go a whole two weeks with a bag being packed and be completely

fine so i could just it's essentially throw that bag out and nothing would be missed see i can't envision what life would be like being that or i'm a pretty organized guy you know that you'd love to faff about though you're a faffer i'm not a faffer you faff it's purely the fact that we like to talk a little bit before we start recording for two hours and if we spend any longer than five minutes you're like well when the fuck are we going to do this podcast record i drove all the way here antsy i'm antsy all the time i know you read you've had a coffee you've had now a red bull your anxiety's at an all-time high but we packed the night before and we were working quite late so we didn't get to bed till like 12 30 we're up at 3 30 and so just you know the morning of like fuck we forgot

the pram which we only realized halfway to the airport so we couldn't turn back because we're already running late and just when you're operating on that much sleep you just you're grumpy anything sets you off yeah yeah if you're like oh babe it's gate it's gate 52. And she'd answer and I'm like, it's 52. Yeah, or it's like, don't talk to me like that. And it's like, all I said was it's 52. That's not how you said it. That is not how you said it. Or the opposite way, like even like, oh, snap,

at April 2 it would be like, we get in the car, because we've done the 6 a.m. flights too before and there's mints in the car and there's, for some reason it just becomes an argument. If like April gets a mint and doesn't offer me one i'm like you're not gonna offer me one and it's like babe it's like 4 a.m in the morning we're on the way to the airport you know like what would you say before when when you're that tired and you just you're that fragile you're gonna take it out on the person that's closest to you which is your partner yeah oh absolutely all the time it's they just cop it which look it's not fair person that's closest to you which is your partner yeah oh absolutely all the time it's they just cop it which look it's not fair but it's also very fair i did think to myself

like that's the last pre-7 a.m flight i will ever get with the kids yeah because until you got a book again and it's the cheapest flight that's how jetstar get you every time but then that night you know laura and i just couldn't wait to get the kids down oh we had an early dinner had a shower got into bed and it was like 8 30 and we're like oh fuck how good is it just the best when i go to bed i and then as soon as we put a head on the pillow, as soon as we relaxed, as soon as I was just about to doze off. Oh, no. Which one? Lola.

Lola. And they were sharing a room. So then Molly woke up and then Lola had a fever. Thankfully, we had the Panadol, Dambadon, whatever it's called. Dambadon? The drugs. Gave her the drugs. We had the kids' drugs.

It didn't work. Nothing was working. And she was like, my ear, my ear. This is Lola. And she was just all night. I think she probably slept the longest block was like 45 minutes. Holy shit. Just all night.

And so we did it in little shifts. So Laura did the first hour shift. And then I had the next hour shift. And then Laura did the next hour and a half. And I'm against that. I did the next 15 minutes. So, Laura did the first hour shift and then I had the next hour shift and then Laura did the next hour and a half. I did the next 15 minutes and then Laura did the next three hours and then I fell asleep. Yeah, I'm against that technique. I've told you this.

I've told you this. I've told the listeners this before. Two half-tired people does not equal. No, wait. That's not right. Let me start again. Okay. people does not equal no wait that's not right okay so two half rested people does not equal a fully rested person facts hey you know how we said we don't give advice well we always backflip on that that's sound advice okay okay so so what would you do in this situation we would

have gone uh well it would be i'd be the tired one because it would be my, like at the moment I would much rather be up all night and let April get fully rested and Oscar can sleep where I would usually sleep and I would be in with Macy or whatever. And then the next day I would get like 6 a.m. I would be gone, April, you're up and I'm in bed. And I know like it's different when you're on holiday because then you also got to try and enjoy yourself.

But you can miss half a morning. Half a morning, mate. You get a four-hour nap in the morning to recharge. That way you've got a fully rested person and a half-rested person. Bam. Mind fuck. No, I have an issue with that theory okay are we gonna have an argument yeah i have it out i have it out let's have a duel so your issue or

the the issue that i have my issue yeah so the fucking thing about you ash is it's it's it is just attack me it is it. It's good on paper. But the issue that we have with that process is Lola hates me. Oh, yeah. I already knew that. She hates me. She texts me. And she's like, this guy.

Fuck. Get enough. Fuck out of my room. He stinks. Lola was there for four nights. Lola, every night except for the last one, was just screaming all night. And she screamed for mum and mum only every time that laura was like hey can you please just go in there and try and settle it down i go in there and she'd look at me and be like you're the wrong one

you're right yeah i told you this put a wig on stark i didn't bring the wigs with me i left the wig box at home so it was just always on laura and laura she would sleep for like an hour and a half from like 6 a.m i would take the kids for a quick drive and get a coffee just so we're out of the apartment but then other than that like it was always on laura and so i was you know i would try and do my little bit and just didn't work it didn't work so like laura was just getting more and more tired because she's only two right yeah yeah so this ear infection very nearly derailed the entire trip yeah that's a tough one just every night dude every night and we've had such a good run probably like the last

eight months laura's been sleeping like a champion only occasionally would she get up in the middle of the night other than that like i know regression sucks dude but like it's something that irritates them so like saying Macy for the last 12 months mate she'll sleep 12 hours and that's look that's a shit thing to say because other parents are listening and they probably get kids to sleep not at all so yes sorry you had to hear that but also like the other day yeah because just some of the moles were coming through, I wake every hour and I was like, I don't know how I did this with Oscar. Dude.

Laura and I, you know, we're always, depending on what day it is, we're like maybe we'll have three, maybe two, maybe three, who knows, off the back of those three nights back to back with no like decent sleep for us for me and laura we're like i was like fuck having a third kid i can't like i cannot during the day when you're lucky you're gonna have a third and you'll have twins yeah laura had this family reunion so we're like seeing all these other family members and i was just like standing there at the pub just like oh my god it's dying i could barely put any words together it takes it out of you like they say like you know when they always do those ads about like

oh they is that person driving drunk no they're driving tired and you think bullshit brah like torture your reaction time for everything like is so different yeah yeah hated it but then look there were moments on the trip that were nice. Like we had a couple of nice days at the beach. You know, I also helped out the community on Maggie Island as well. I don't know if you saw Ash. So, no. This is what I saw.

What did you see? I saw a tree in the middle of the road because it's Maggie Island apparently. High winds that day. Very windy. Very windy. Yeah. So, a tree had fallen down the road yes you're right continue and you posted oh happy to roll my sleeves up and help out filming someone actually doing the work yeah we'll share the chainsaw how are you helping out i didn't have the chainsaw because you were going you know what i'm gonna do sweetheart i'm gonna film you i'm gonna get clout from it and say that i'm helping How are you helping out? I didn't have the chainsaw because. You were going, you know what I'm going to do, sweetheart? I'm going to film you.

I'm going to get clout from it and say that I'm helping you out. I moved two of those. Show me your hands. Look, look, look at that. Look at that. That's from wanking. That's ribbed for your pleasure. She was a local and she was in front of us in the ute. She's just like two seconds.

In the ute. Mate, she's like, I'm going to chop down this here. Hey, you city slicker. And I was like, excuse me, in my Crocs. I don't appreciate being called that. I am a country boy at heart. Yeah, they're still toe. She was cutting them down.

We're just a team. We just got each other. It was this camaraderie of two Queenslanders. It's funny because when I would ring you, you'd be like, G'day, how you going? I'd be like, hey, mate. You'd be like, oh, yes, hello. Back to your usual Sydney self. We spoke about last episode with the removals.

You bung it on. It was that times 10. I was at the pub and like North Queensland were playing in the rugby and I was like, oh, shit, we're in trouble here, boys. It's not looking good at halftime, is it? Yeah, a Brisbane fan coming on. As I like stood there in my Crocs and my rolled up chinos. Oh, and your puffer jacket.

I might be a bit hot for the puffer jacket. Hey, but one observation or two observations that I've made about Queensland, North Queensland people, very very friendly salt of the earth very friendly yeah just everyone's lovely just like yeah look i know the taxi driver but they've also you've got two different types of people from a rural town the really really nice ones and the ones who hate out of town there's nothing in between yeah you notice you got the nicest guy gives you directions and a bottle of cold water you know great then you got old man it's like look at these fucking cities look at these crops well there is a bit of that on maggie island because you know people who live

there like maggie to be quiet They don't want too many tourists. You don't move there for the scene. But, mate, people were coming up and asking me for directions because they could just – they looked at me. They looked at me, Ash. They looked at this rugged bloke and they thought, this guy looks like a Queenslander and he looks like a local. Wearing your father-in-law's a Coober and RM Williams.s around and they'd say they'd be like hey where is picnic bay i'd be like oh my picnic

let me just get my phone out and check can't they google it themselves but something i noticed ash is that in north queensland in particular that area of the world, not many young adults are wearing budgie smugglers. I don't know if you've noticed that. Never been. Well, only one of us is well-travelled enough to... Yeah, look, I'm poor, so... I cry poor on every podcast. There's a GoFundMe at the bottom.

Yeah, obviously, I didn't want to stand out too much. I had the Crocs on. Were you wearing the budgie smugglers with my face on them? Absolutely not. Why? Because they're too pink and they've got a guy's face all over it. I know, but that shows your commitment to me. No, I wore the Simpsons Moomy ones.

I did see those. And we're at this beautiful beach and I thought, I'm going to get the budgie smugglers out. Not a single person at all was wearing budgie smugglers except for there was like a 70-year-old man and like another guy who's maybe like in his like 80s. They're in budgies. You're just like, you're just edged over to them.

Yeah. You're like, I'm one of you now. Hey, fellas. I found my people. I don't get why in Queensland, North Queensland. I think they've got a problem with showing too much skin. Yeah, they go for like the knee- Knee slappers.

Board shorts. Yeah. I don't know. Do a poll. Yeah, I want to know. If you're from North Queensland or even like- Look. Anything north of Gold Coast.

Speedos, it's kind of like there was always a stigma, right? Growing up. Yeah. It's just whether you grew out of the stigma or notos, it's kind of like there was always a stigma, right? Growing up. Yeah. It's just whether you grew out of the stigma or not. And maybe it just hasn't reached them yet. Maybe we need to do some campaigning. I want to let them know that it's okay. It's okay.

People to see you bulge. Things that are okay. Bulge. Bulge. Budgie smugglers, crocs, puffer vests. Oh, my God. Anything else you want to add to that list? Let me have a think about it.

I'm sure I'll find something that I hate. Before we go on to the points that you want to raise, Ash, I also have another question as well. Another thing that I've noticed. Before we move on, we'll start a campaign for more budgie smugglers in North Queensland. Yes, 100%. Okay.

Maybe there's like a lack of supply. Maybe they need to like send up a shipping container full of them. Well, let's take care of that then. Maybe they were looking at me being like- We should send a bunch of the ones with my face on it. Oh, God. If you want a pair of budgie smugglers with my face on it- Are you selling them yet?

Nah, they're not for sale. Only special people have them. I gave you some and you don't even wear them. You wore them down to icebergs that time and you got so many women hitting on you and you still thought they're in a box here somewhere i don't know they're in the house i'm not sure where they are i don't need your life story before i go on yes one thing that i would love to know another question yep just really i'm very philosophical at the moment why is the world the way that it is so flying back oh cold on my teeth oh i need to see a dentist it's been like eight years

since i've been to the dentist anyway go jesus i've been to the dentist because why because you're fucking poor i got no money i can't afford any health care okay well just take a swipe at me then oh i can't why don't you do you know what you should do i have to clean my teeth with sand and gravel because i can't afford a toothbrush do you know what people should do? I have to clean my teeth with sand and gravel because I can't afford a toothbrush. Do you know what people aren't going to appreciate? What's that? You making fun of my financial situation. It's just distasteful. Why are you pretending like you're fucking on welfare?

I've got some news to share. No, no, I just, look, I don't like dentists. I don't believe in them. I'm an anti-dentist. What do you mean you don't believe in a dentist? I think they're just trying to take your money. I went for a filling like eight years ago. Yeah.

And they were like, you need a root canal. And I said, listen here, lady, you fill it up. And if I need it, I'll come back and I'll get it. That was seven years ago. But didn't you just say, it really hurts, I need to see a dentist? That's a different tooth. But didn't you just say, it really hurts, I need to see a dentist? That's a different tooth. The cycle continues. So you think you've outsmarted a dentist?

Yeah. Based on what kind of diagnosis did you give yourself? How did you know you didn't need a root canal? I just looked in her eyes. I just looked in her eyes and I was like... She's trying to take me for a ride. You're lying. And they're like, we just need to take... That's right,'s what they took you know because they charge you for every x-ray right

yeah so she was on it another x-ray yeah you need another x-ray i'm like no we don't fill it up i wonder if that's the first time that she's ever been questioned i wonder if that's something that a lot of dentists face of like we need to remove so many people just be like, oh, yes, doctor. Yes, okay. It's bullshit. Anyway. So you learn something new every day. I now know that I can't wait for when you have like a really serious injury and they're like, Ash, we're so sorry. We have to remove your left leg. No.

Stitch it up. It's fine. Stitch it up. I'll just let it hang there. Ash, we're sorry. You are paraplegic. And you're like, no, I'm not. Try and get off the bed.

I'm like, worm in my way. Look, I'm fine. You guys are fucking idiots. It's such a man thing to not admit that you're in a serious injury. Is it because it was a female dentist? Is that the problem, Ash? Is that you don't believe that someone of the opposite sex is able to be in a position with that type of education? Is that-

That's what I'm picking up here now. That's what I'm- That's not. Correct me if I'm wrong. You can assume it's not. You don't want to take any type of instruction from a female. No, no, no, no, no. All right, you roused me.

No, I was like, she's probably very educated. What do you mean probably? Of course she was fucking educated. Do you know what she was? She was a shit salesman. That's what she was. Dentists are just teeth salesmen. It's not a question of like, well, probably, yeah, I'm sure.

They've got you bent over a barrel because not like every other bone in your body, like you can see your teeth, right? Okay. So they've got you bent over. Not only are you in pain, but people have to look at it too. So they've got you in all these different situations. They're just shitty teeth salesmen. That's what dentists are.

They should change it. Dr. Teeth Salesman. That's what I think. Have you ever questioned a mechanic with your car? I never take my car to the mechanic. Do I fix it? I'm too poor. I just let it break down.

No, I had to take my car to the mechanic. They're just as bad. Essentially, dentists are just mouth mechanics. Okay? Let's move on. Sorry. Okay. I'm assuming there wouldn't be a lot of teeth in

north queensland how dare you disrespect my homeland like that okay go on sorry i'm actually from south australia originally from makes it even worse guy lives in lives in Sydney who's from South Australia, claims to be a Queenslander. Okay. So my question is, we're flying back and Marley rarely sleeps during the day now. Her nap is no more. Yeah, she's old. But she fell asleep. It was like, I think we had like a 10 o'clock flight.

She fell asleep. It was two and a half hours. So I was like. Did she sleep the whole time? No, like the last hour. Still good. And then they kind of made the announcement that plane plane is preparing for landing, like please buckle up and like window shades up.

She was on my lap and the armrest was up. And then she said, armrest has got to go up. And I said, why? And she's like, because we're preparing for landing. Look at us, just questioning professionals. But I was like, but for what reason? Like how do you justify the armrest? It's like, sir, the plane can't land.

It's funny because you've sat in a seat where the armrest controls the wheels. So you need to push it down so the wheels can come out. And I didn't want to be making a scene, but I was, because I didn't want to wake Marley up. How did you wake her up? Can I ask you that? Well, no, I. Did you ever think to be like we're going down we're going down

put the armrest down the plane just said tracks back up pilots like thank god i lied and i said oh yeah i'll wake her up in just a second because they do two walks down if you can make it past the two walks then they got to strap themselves in so then you can fucking do whatever you want get up and have a party if you want yeah and they can't stop you because they're gonna be in their seats i kind of half put it down as she walked past and then i went up and put it back up and then the wheels of the plane went back up yeah it was an awful landing never had anything more rough in my life scraped along the tarmac but surely there's like come on like we can at least let the parents let parents out there with a sleeping child have the armrest up it's a safety concern matthew seatbelts don't need them they're most useless

seatbelts no what's the point you might as well have a rubber band around my fucking place but the plane is going down we're all fucked i know so let us not put seatbelts on don't try and help me live i just want to die as quickly as possible why are they trying to put things in place where it's like look you're gonna die regardless but this way you'll slow it down you'll suffer a little just pull the trigger which is safety you'll suffer just get it done if they were like we're going down i'd stand up and just before just before we hit the water, I would try and jump up. Gotcha. Gravity.

We have 320 passengers dead. One survivor. Not a single injury. What did he do? He figured it out. He just jumped. He jumped. It has precise.

He's been practicing it for years. As soon as I hit a foot above the water or the ground he jumps land safely every time anyway that's me done that's you done what do you got oh i didn't have as quite as exciting week as you like we don't call it exciting mate it was punishment it was torture continue. Well, some people can't afford to go on holiday every second week. Yeah, so I didn't have quite as a fun-filled week. As we spoke about last week, sickness in my house. Yep.

Keeps going around and going around. You're poor and you're sick. So depressing. I pretty much live in the Great Depression. The life expectancy in my house is like 35 i've only got a couple of good years left the horse and cart that you parked out the front still looks like it's in good nick yeah in bondi it's vintage so you're sick so not me oh you know me i'm hard to take down i always tell people i'm sick when i don't want to go somewhere. So they probably listen to this now going, so you're lying to us. Yes.

I don't get sick that often. Kids going back and forth from kindy, days on, days on. But what I want to talk about is when I get a little piece of paper home from kindy. I mean, it's a birthday party invite for some kid I've never fucking met. And my wife's like, so Sunday, one one o'clock we've got to go to this person i'm not going to say their name this person's birthday you're gonna take him we're gonna get a present never met this kid i don't know who he is how many of the kids at oscar's daycare have you actually met though just the cool ones just the ones i know i'm not walking

around introducing myself to four-year-olds. That'd be fucking weird. Hi, Stuart. Lovely to meet you. How was your weekend? No, actually, I have a couple of favorites when I pick up Marley. One kid called Ross. Ross always comes and has a chat. Always tells me what he's having for dinner.

A four-year-old named Ross. Yeah. He's like, we're having hot dogs tonight. I'm like, fuck yeah, Ross. Yeah, fuck yeah, Ross. What time should I get there? That's epic. But getting my gripe here is i get like they invite the whole class why i don't know you not only do

i not know you i don't even know your parents because i'm going to a stranger's house and giving them something because oscar could be best mates with this individual no they spend every day no i said to os, who is this kid? He was like, I don't know. I was like, oh. Oscar doesn't know what fucking date is. But anyway, we're getting back to sickness. And day of the party, April's gone out, bought this kid a present.

Okay? What's your budget? I don't know. I separated myself from it because I think it's all ridiculous. You're thinking, God, we're not going to eat For two nights now We just spent the last Last of our savings

On this present Beans for dinner kids Again Beans and dust And it comes to the day Of the party And Oscar's Got conjunctivitis

So we can't go Real conjunctivitis Or Yeah no no no Yeah yeah yeah Oh because Macy had conjunctivitis or? Yeah, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, because Macy had conjunctivitis. Yeah, yeah. It's spread, it's spread.

It's spread. And I'm like, beauty, don't have to go to this shitty party. I don't know anyone or the kid or who it is, where they live. Don't tell me that April made you go and drop off the present. No, no, no. We're getting there. Monday comes around. Yeah.

And April's like, don't forget the present for the kid. To bring to daycare? Yes. Okay. Sorry. Okay. Don't forget to take the present with you when you do the drop-off. Give it to the teachers, to give to the parents, to give to the kid.

The kid I don't even know. Wait, but you spent the last of your savings on the gift. Give it to the kid, no? No. I just, because we had a card on top of it, had the kid's name on it. I just took the card off, bin that. Now we've got a present at home for the next party. I've saved it.

You are fucking poor. I said, that kid's not going to know. He's not going to know he was ever in line for a present. He's not going to know that. How would he find out? Because the parents will know because april's gonna go hey did timmy get the gift no no because i told april i'm not giving him this gift i'm re-gifting i don't even know what it is it's now sitting in our knickknacks drawer with no name on it

perfectly wrapped for the next birthday that we get invited to where i don't know who that fucking kid is what do you think why do you hate birthdays so much i don't do you question have you ever felt empathy before no i know i hear you i hear you i can appreciate it's the old thing what he doesn't know what he doesn't know right so the kid doesn't know that he oscar thing. He doesn't know what he doesn't know, right? So the kid doesn't know that Oscar was going to come, doesn't know that he was going to get a present. No one knew. It's the perfect crime, really.

I've saved a present so that when we get invited to some other little shit's birthday that we don't know and I have to go and ruin my whole Saturday afternoon to talk to people I don't like or know. Sorry for all the parents listening to this that my kid goes to school with okay can i say the issue here i think is actually i'm going to see it from the perspective of an early education teacher person i can't remember what the title is i called someone a daycare teacher and they got really annoyed at me. Yeah, look, that's sexist. I'm going to see it from their perspective.

That would be a nightmare. Imagine a day where one kid gets preferential treatment, gets a gift at daycare. So he wants to open that gift because he's going to see it. Oscar will be like, oh, mate, I got you a gift. It's over there. It's on the shelf. Because Oscar would be excited to give it to him.

I had to really convince Oscar not to tell him. And so far, so good. But I get what you're saying. Because he's going to open his gift and every kid's going to be like, I want to play with a gift because it's a new toy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like one kid's got one, the rest of the kids. It'd be chaos.

It's unfair. And this leads me on to my next point. yesterday yeah i went to the zoo yeah how was that was great but what fucking shits me about zoos is when to exit it you've got to go through the shop you've got to go through the zoo friend shop to get out of the place what did you buy i'd much rather jump in the lion's cage. I'm in there with- April's like, where the fuck has Ash gone? You've got kids under your- Two other couples and their kids.

So, there's what? Two, six kids. Yeah. Okay. Kids had a great time all day. They just had ice cream. Great. They all really well behaved the whole day, which is great.

But we were all as parents in a grant. No one buys anything because then if one person buys something- It all falls apart. It all falls. So we're all- The mums are pushing the prams with the little kids who are strapped in. They've just beelined straight out the exit. You've got to make it quick.

And my wife was like, good luck. And I'm looking at the other two dads going, don't you fucking do it. Don't cave we're not caving guys and the kids are like flipping out like we weren't there crying they're literally crying before i've said no because they know the answer's no and i'm just like trying to drag these kids out of this fucking shop and at the same time i'm like okay had a really nice day at the zoo and then the zoo fucked it at the end because they must get every parent on the way out we're an easy target i know it's just like the best and the worst marketing ploy ever like you've just

point of sailed me you know like all the way through this shop with shit that's like oh she goes i want this he was really sweet about it and it honestly it broke my heart because i was like i would just usually buy that you're a good kid the whole day what did he want it was just like a tiny little thing right and i was like oh yeah stuffed toy it was yeah it was like it was like a rubber toy like a flimsy what's the rrp on that uh anywhere else affordable i'd have to get a small mortgage it was like literally like two and a half three inches long yeah similar to my penis and um i was like i would usually just say yes turn it over the thing was like 15 bucks because you've just forked out for tickets the ice cream i saw you had some waffles did you get

the waffles no i got popcorn from that place popcorn's not cheap either it's like 12 bar yeah it's fucking popcorn but my griping with this one is like just give us two exit options you think that's fair that's a fair to ask that be like look i want to leave this place i don't often agree with you ash but on this, I think you're bang on. I think when they designed zoos, they thought, how can we absolutely rinse the people who are most vulnerable here, the parents. Oscar cried the whole way home.

Yeah. An hour in the car. It's like, they don't have to deal with that. Who's going to sort that out for me? And then it makes you think, why did I bother? It ruined the whole day for me. And if you can't snap him out of that mood, then it just- He was meltdown city the rest of the afternoon because it was like,

in his mind, he was a good boy the whole time, and he was. Okay? They all got ice cream. They all were really well behaved, which is great. Great day. The zoo fucked me on the way out. They might as well have gone in with no lube. the zoo fucked me on the way out they might as well have gone in with no lube because all three of us were carrying these kids out that's you told me you had bad chafe

you just you saw yeah yeah that's why the gift shop really handed it to me as you're leaving someone's like excuse me sir just want to step over here bend you over pull your pants down right in front of everybody. And you're like, oh, oh, oh. Right in front of my kids. Daddy, are you okay? Oscar, look away. Look away, son. You don't need to see this. April's like.

April's like, oh, saves me doing it later. But, yeah, so I've just got one request. For anyone that works at a zoo, owns a zoo or thinking about purchasing, building, whatever. Anything to do with the zoo. Put it in the line exit. Give us two options. The people that want to buy their kids something and the people who can't afford it. At least give us blindfolds on the way out.

Just be like, all right, kids, we're just going to quickly blindfold you, put you in a back of a van, and you'll turn up where our car is in the car park. Let's play your favorite segment. Yeah, let's do it. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies. Can I do my lie first? I went first.

Why are you asking like you're a child? Because I am a child. You can go first. Yeah, I don't mind. I'm off it now. You go first. Okay. So for those of you who may be joining us for the very first time,

we have a segment where we give you some of the best lies that have been submitted, mostly from parents. Sometimes we occasionally get someone who's going to tell us a lie that they were told can you stop squeaking on that fucking chair get new chairs i am getting new chairs i'm fidgeting with things i am getting new chairs so sometimes we get lies from people who what are you touching now i'm checking the time what are you doing? Just sit there I need to be tested Sit there

I'm going to put my hands In my pocket Play with that Play with this No That's what you're used to I'm sure That's a bit bigger

Okay we'll make it quick We'll make it quick Okay This is from Casey Casey Berry What's up? Very nice message Can I just say

You gave her full name Why not? I'm not giving her A dress out phone number is oh no she says a couple of nice compliments which directed to both you and me ash you are included in the compliments that's great so she says here i'm going to tell you a lie that she tells her two-year-old son uh this is quite similar to a lie we've had previously, but I really liked it anyway. So he likes to eat chicken, just chicken.

So suddenly, Ash, all meat has become chicken, even if it's a different color. Don't worry. It's just a different part of a chicken. For example, its legs. That's why it looks different. Genius. What's that?

Red meat? Yeah. Oh, that's the belly of the chicken. Genius. What's that? Red meat? Yeah. Oh, that's the belly of the chicken. Genius. I do this too. He hasn't batted an eyelid yet. She's not sure what age do they get smart. They never do.

Oscar's four and I still just say, the other day I clearly put a piece of steak in front of him. I was like, chicken. He doesn't know. He has no idea. I love i like that so that was casey great lie thank you very much i'm gonna bring uh my own lie to the table because i'm constantly lying to my kids it's fun it's a sport now now there's the old look if there's any children listening right now you're in the car maybe just turn this down a little bit because i think at this point if there's anyone who's listening to this podcast out loud with their kids in the

same room god help them santa's not real oh jesus jesus there's that old lie we should probably i gave them enough warning that is enough warning okay that's worse than an F-bomb. I gave them enough warning. You are savage today, Ash. I am. But so we all know that, right? So we are continuously lying every year to our kids that he is real. But I have this thing called the Christmas hierarchy. So who actually reports into Santa Claus? And it's not me.

Okay. What's like the management structure? Yeah. So there's Mrs. Claus, Santa Claus and it's not me. Okay. What's like the management structure? Yeah. So there's Mrs. Claus, Santa Claus. Can you tell that you used to work in HR? Yeah. I'm just dealing with disputes in the house. Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus.

So I always threaten my kids with not that I'll tell Santa, that I'll tell Papa who Papa reports into santa so then he doesn't just have to be good for me he's also got to be good for papa for it to go to santa well done well done very good i've cracked the code and i forget about that i've done this until it comes to like the back end of the year which is now and i And I'm like, yes. Do you have Christmas chat throughout the year or do you kind of reserve it for the second half? Oh, it comes out here and there. We haven't like-

You'll pepper it in the first six months of the year. I'll pepper it in, yeah. Look, the Easter bunny gets a good run too. But now- Also, Papa reports into the Easter bunny. Papa's got a lot of fucking jobs on right now. Yeah, so my dad is known as Poppy Boom Boom just because of younger just something

that oscar adopted sure and he's the funny one you know like makes all the silly noises papa my wife's dad is like the a third parent for us great so i always say that poppy boom boom reports into santa and we don't see my parents as much but then when they do oscar is so good with him because he's like if i'm good with him he'll tell santa i'm a good boy boom down the line take it you are not just a pretty face i am a number one doting dad anyway so i yeah, I use it to threaten them a lot. Great. And it'd be like, I'll tell Papa, Papa tell Santa. Thank you. Round of applause. So that's my lie for this.

I applaud you. It is, it's such an honor to be in the presence of someone. It's a Christmas hierarchy. Who is such an ingenious. Young man. Well done. Hey, I know that you have complained that we took too long to start recording. We are going to quickly just go through and do a question each

from the good listeners of this country. Yeah, what was my question again? You can have your phone back. Just check the question. There you go. And of course, if you are listening right now and you think, maybe I will get some advice from Matt and Ash. If you're in that situation, please seek professional advice first.

But then if you have exhausted all options, you may come to us, submit a question. The best way to do it is on Instagram at 2dotingdads. Correct. Address it to me because Ash doesn't read them. I do that thing where you can swipe and say unread. Go back to unread. I think that's just for us though. Yeah, because then I think you'll pick it up.

Tactical. Do you want to I think you'll pick it up. Tactical. Do you want to go first? I'll go first. So my question, Matthew, best age with kids so far? Look, I will say that some people love a newborn. They love it so much. Maybe it's more of a mum thing, but I don't really get much from a newborn myself personally.

No, they're probably not getting much from you either though. Yeah. Too extra. You're a blob. You could be any man. We both just look at each other. We get it. No one's really going to enjoy the company,

so don't really engage. The odd look. That's about it. Yeah, I can give a little like finger hold maybe. Marley is just gone four, and I love that age because she can now she communicates so much better yeah and she's like i say everything every episode i say she's really smart she is she is a very clever cookie and she she can now spell so we have little games where she you know i'm like what's an at

word and she's like matt and i'm like yeah what's another one cat and she loves it she's learning i'm teaching it's great lola's too but she's just it's weird dude in the last two weeks her talking has gotten so much better like leaps and bounds in such a short period of time she's like telling these little stories now and i love that as well i love i think four to me is like the best age this is getting real sappy let's move on no i'm fucking with you you said love about 40 times. How dare you love your kids? Four or two.

Which one is it? No, I think. They've got good traits. I love my children at all ages. Okay, well, I'm just going to tell you mine. Okay, go. Mine is now for Macy because she's like talking, but only just like single words.

You know how they can't fully pronounce it. That's why. she's like talking but only just like single words you know how they can't fully pronounce it that's why it's like maybe your kids can't mate but uh in this household kids from the country they're cousins as well all right what question you got for me no is that your answer yeah it's round two before two sure so this question is a little bit different. It's not one that we've had even remotely close to this theme. Oh, no. They ask, how do you think you would go, as in Matt and Ash, if you were a same-sex couple with kids? Fuck.

The sex would be intense. To be fair, this relationship is... The only thing missing is the sex. Yeah, 100%. I would be... Let's get to it then. I would be putting dinner on the table, looking at my watch going, where is Ash?

He said he'd be home by 7 o'clock. I'd be at the pub. You'd be at the pub. You'd come home at 8 o'clock with three of the mates being like hey kick ons and i'd be there in my gown being like well i guess we won't have sex tonight i guess you're not going to be mounting me tonight i i think we would do a very very good job yeah uh this is getting weirdly now it's awkward look I think the kids would be lucky to have us there we go

let's wrap it up thank you for that question whoever it was I can't get your hands off me I mean that is all we have time for if you've liked this episode review

send it to a friend subscribe send it to a friend spread the word if anyone is down and they need a bit of a pep me up or they want to hear about how poor I am send it to a friend subscribe send it to a friend spread the word if anyone is down and they need a bit of a pet me up because i want to hear about how poor i am send it to them hey just quickly before we go feedback on the crops you warned them all episode obviously you've not been walking around you've been sitting there but what do you think what

do you think what do you think honest opinion hit me what do you got uh five out of ten oh my god stop playing hard to get alright we'll figure I'll do a little bit of shuffling around when we have some lunch and report back next week I can't wait till you're wearing them next week's record

it's not gonna happen let's get out of here thanks guys bye bye Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal

and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.