Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - The Secret To Throwing Bday Parties For Your Kids

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

Macy (Ash's daughter) had her birthday over the weekend and Ash managed to tick off another year without throwing her a bday party. How I hear you gasp? All will be revealed in this ep. Matt had to deal with the tantrum of the century the other day, which was off the back of Marlie being told she wasn't a twin with Lola, they were just sisters. When he wasn't managing tantrums, he was dealing with Lola eating her bodyweight in lollies that hidden in the pantry. Joys of life with toddlers!  We share your best Ordinary Parenting stories as well as have a crack at answering your listener questions: I have four boys who will wee everywhere except inside the toilet bowl. So sick of it, help ! How to get a toddler to wear underwear? He will wear a nappy or commando but no undies, off in three seconds. Any advice? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you want to just start it? With that? Oh, he'll finish. I'm wrong with the little leaf blower action. Do you know whose backyard it is? Rhonda's. What's her name? Rhonda, 81.

Oh, she hates you, eh? No, loves me now. Do you know why she loves me? Take her bins out every Monday. Such a sucker. Every Monday. She had a bad fall. She fell at the supermarket.

What, did you push her down the stairs? She fell at the supermarket the other week. Oh. Yeah. She bought Cornettos for the girls. So, on like Sunday morning, she was like, can I hang out? There's no fence between us. Is there?

No, not. Oh, not along the side there, yeah. And so, she was like, excuse me. Shut up, bitch. What do you want? She was like, I've up bitch what do you want she was like i've got marley and lola a little treat we should got them cornetto's for breakfast it was like 10 o'clock and i was like goodbye i'm fucking doris that ronda whatever i wore i was wearing um i've got these like old rebox and they're like a light pastel pink. I know the ones, yeah. And she looked at me, looked down.

She was like, oh, you're wearing pink shoes. Oh, yeah. I was like, yeah. And she was like, get out of my house. Get out of my house. You're going to hell. Repent, repent, repent. welcome back to two doting dads i am maddie j and i'm ash this is a podcast that is all about parenting it's the good the bad and the relatable and if you have come here hoping to find any little slither of advice it's not going to happen nope and maybe if if we

are giving any information that may come across like it is advice i encourage you to ignore it absolutely why are you listening hey ash um yeah i've got something for you yes you've had issues with your butthole for some time. I really thought you were being serious. Like I have other issues, which is true. We've got, there's a long list, but on that list. Is my butthole. Is your butthole, which actually has been pretty good lately, but I just wanted to let you know something.

Yep. We have had Shana. Thanks, Shana. Maybe I will leave a name in there. She said, just a PSA for gents who like to hide from their responsibilities by sitting on the toilet for far too long. It's bad for piles. Could be yourself.

My husband had a sore butthole and panicked. So I took him off to the doctor and turns out he had an inflamed varicose vein in his butt from the pressure of sitting on the toilet for too long so he had to use suppositories after every poo for a while oh so if you don't like sticking things in your butt well don't mind get off the toilet um yeah don't know why can't we just avoid our responsibilities with no repercussions it's just not fair i asked her i was like well how long like what are we talking here per toilet trip was it like five ten she's like he was averaging about 20 minutes per toilet trip

as you being like that's fuck what's well no i'm i'm pretty good i have a mate who has no kids just to add that in there who literally sits on the toilet for like a fucking hour. He reads on there, like reads his book. Because you know what I find weird about that is I think you've got a window of let's say seven minutes from when you finish your poo. Seven minutes? No, no, no.

Hey, hear me out. So when you finish your poo, poo is gone. You then have seven minutes before you can wipe your bum. Otherwise- It's dry. It starts to dry up. Like that like that's there's nothing more weird it starts to get itchy yeah that's strange i love it when it gets itchy it's my favorite oh yeah in that message when it was like if you don't like sticking things in your butt and you're just like i do i start sitting in the toilet for 30 minutes now.

Yeah. How's your week been, Ash? How's your week been? It's good, actually. It was Macy's birthday on the weekend. And, Matthew, it's safe to say I've done it again. Go on. I have successfully gone through a full year without having to pay

for a birthday party. Yeah. So- For anyone who is new to the podcast, could you just enlighten them with your thought process regarding birthdays for your own kids? So, for my kids, they've never had their own birthday party. What I do is I go to other people's birthday parties and I just tell my kids it's also their birthday party. And these are people that Ash doesn't even know. No, no.

He'll see a birthday and he's like, pull over quick. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, thankfully, like, it's an ongoing joke amongst all my friends as well. So, one of my really good friends, he had a baby the same day as us but a year later. So, it was his first birthday on the weekend. Jackpot. And we always joke about like, I always say,

I can't wait for you to pay for all of Macy's birthdays from here on out. And then I'm like, with any luck, your son will marry my daughter and then you have to pay for my daughter's wedding. So, yeah. Look out, fella. Anyway, so, it was first birthday and I'm like rubbing my hands together going, first birthdays are the best for people that love to throw one. Top shelf.

And his wife is very diligent. She's a very good cook too. She's like, it's got to be the best, which is great because I love that because that means Maisie gets the best from here on out. Anyway, so, we went to this birthday and it was an ongoing joke that I've infiltrated. But like I was just like, yeah, you know, it's a joke. This is funny.

And then I've sent you two videos. The first video is of they were singing happy birthday to this little boy and happy birthday, dear Beau. And I'm like like and macy and macy and everyone's like looked at me like April's turned around and gone, shut the fuck up, seriously. But then the hosts of the party were like, good news. We're going to sing Macy happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear Macy. Happy birthday to you. Hey! Another birthday successfully infiltrated. Yeah, I was wondering why Macy. Macy, happy birthday. All these people don't even know Macy is, really. And then I'm fucking filming it.

I'm cacking up. I'm like, this is great. And I walk up and at the end of the video, I'm like, another birthday party successfully infiltrated. And just walked off. Did Macy enjoy it? She had a great time. Did you get her any presents? Oh, we just took that kid's presents.

Great. Nah, she got heaps of stuff from us. She got some Barbies. She's got some cool new sunnies, couple of dresses, a new floaty. Does she have any interest at all in like bags, like purses and like collecting knickknacks? I mean like handbags. Like Lola is just-

Loves a bag. She just- she loves a little bag of knickknacks. Yeah. Like just random shit. She's got like a piece of a puzzle. She's got a little figurine that's like a Lego. She then has a shit she's got like a piece of a puzzle she's got a little figurine that's like a lego she then has a bracelet that's bag full of responsibilities yeah she just loves it it's fucking wild so my mother-in-law got macy a pram like a little

toy pram first toy pram with a something like this that goes in it something i prepared earlier yeah now that's the hot property in the house because now oscar's like pushing elmo around in it almost pretty lifeless but another year look forward to next year it's like a sport for me now april's like next year oscar's fifth birthday we have to have a birthday party i'm like not if i can help it do we i was like you wait and see they're like they're gonna start asking i'm like let them ask and i'll tell them exactly what they need to hear you know in terms of like how much money you're saving minimal yeah like it's like i said it's a sport for me now it's a hobby it's become a hobby because she was like i'll have to give macy a birthday party next year i was like nope three nope so what age do you think you will eventually throw your first birthday party?

18th. Okay. No, I won't allow that. She's already like, do you know any party planners? I'm like, no. Party planners? I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not going to blow five years worth of budget on one party here.

I've saved all this money. Party planners? She's mental, mate. What does she want to organize? What is she conjuring up? I don't know. But I will do everything to bring her down. That's what's going to happen here, though, because you've held out for so long.

April will get the guilt and then she will throw, like, the mother of all birthdays. I'll jeopardise it. No. I'll jeopardise it. I'll burn the house down. Sure. Buttle teacher.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going to throw, like like the most extravagant birthday party divorce painters stilt walkers jumping castles strippers yeah i'm all for it no and they'll fucking learn you they will learn me yeah do you ever find with macy obviously she is your youngest do you ever have these moments where you're like holy shit she's not a little baby anymore obviously birthday is one of those moments yeah yeah when yeah, when she's like, yeah, two. And I was like, fuck, when did that happen? It's at risk of sounding so cliche.

Go. It goes so quickly. We just had at our daycare, there's four different groups, like newborn, one to two, two to three, and then the older kids. four different groups like newborn, one to two, two to three, and then the older kids. Marley's in the old kid group and Lola's just upgraded from the one to two to the two to three group. She's just moved up.

And it's fucking wild, dude. It's so wild. I picked her up the other day and from behind I was like, it's like very different looking kids. But she's almost the same height now as Marley. Yeah, it's crazy. Like we're saying Macy goes up next year, but she's actually skipping her class because she's like a little bit,

not advanced, but like she kind of stayed back a little bit, but now she's just skipping that middle nursery into like twos and threes. I was like, what the fuck? It's wild. Hey hey you know when we spoke about kids going to school and i was like i'm gonna keep marley back for one more year of daycare smart dude she's like dad i want to go to school next year whoa yeah okay she has this song because have you ever heard of bullying? No, dude. I don't know if I'm ready.

She's like, I want to go to school next year. She's like- Are you going to send her? Fuck, I think I might. I don't know, dude. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing here. There's a song that they sing in Marley's group. Half of the kids are going on to school.

The other half are staying back. And there's a song that's like, I get my bag and i get my hat i'm off to school and that is that oh so they're they're just trying to get the kids to leave quicker no why don't do that you guys need my money yeah exactly right so i think i'm gonna send marley to school i know i know but then i think about don't let her call the shot okay emotionally i don't think she's there yet and she has like marley still has these big meltdowns. And the week just gone. Her meltdown of the week was off the back of something

which I thought was a little bit trivial. Okay, lay it on me. So we're walking to the beach. Also, meltdown of the week, you're just keeping tabs on. Yeah. This week. I've got a notes folder on my phone. Oh, good.

I'm like, okay, we're going to add to the list. Add to the meltdown list. Man, it happens. We're having them on the reg at the moment. She's having big emotions and we're walking to the beach. Coming in the opposite direction is a pram, a double pram. In that pram- Burden.

Burden on society, that is. I know how you feel about a double pram. And I was like, wow, what a beautiful pram. In that pram- Give us a go. In that pram are twins. I kind of say to marley i'm like look marley a set of twins not to like you don't often see twins i love a good set of twins nothing like a good set of twins but how often do you see twins not very often not very often

not that you want to like were they they identical? They're both babies. Too hard to tell. They looked exactly like two babies. Not that you want to like point them out. It's impressive. I'm not saying- Look at the freaks. This just reminds me of something I said to someone the other day,

which dumb moment. So I see this guy all the time in Worrywood and I saw him at the cafe and I was like- I had Macy with me and he goes, oh, I've got two three-year-olds. I said, oh, they're twins? Of course they're fucking twins. That took me a moment.

And I was like, fuck, sorry, dude. I'm such an idiot. And he was like, no, I get it all the time. I didn't feel so bad, but bullshit. Anyway, sorry. Go. Hey, it took me a good few seconds to figure that out. I've got two three-year-olds with two different women.

Could happen. Could happen. Is he a rat bag? Potentially. Could be a rat bag. So, Marley is kind of like, what's a twin? And I was like, oh, that's right. You don't know.

Don't you even know? Yeah. You want to go to school next year? So stupid. Learn your twins. So, I'm explaining to her what a twin is. And then she's like, oh, I get it. Like me and Lola, we're twins. So, I'm explaining to her what a twin is. And then she's like, oh, I get it. Like me and Lola, we're twins.

And I was like, no. That's it. I'm keeping you back for two years now. I was like, no, you're sisters. And she's like, look at me. She's like, no, we're twins. We're like, we're both, we're, you know, we're two girls. And I'm like, yeah, but you're not, you're different ages.

You're just arguing with her about it. Yeah. So, then I'm like, do I just go, yeah, you're twins. Like, sure, roll with it. But then I'm like, no, I've got to teach this kid. You just wanted to be right. You're so stubborn. I'm not stubborn, no.

You just like wanted to be right over a four and a half year old. I'm like, you're not your sisters. You're not twins, you're sisters. And Marley then jumps off the pram. She could have been like, twinning. And you're like, no, bitch. Marley's on the floor, like, kicking and scrambling. Over it.

Yeah, dude. She's like, we're twins. And I'm like, you're not. They're totally irrational, aren't they? I know. Like. It's like owning a drunk person. That's what it's like.

Yeah. Because you're arguing. First First of all you're having this Incoherent argument about The fact that she's not a twin And not accepting it And then she's just Thrown herself on the ground And the next minute

She's telling you How much she loves you And she barely fucking Walk anywhere But I'm like trying to Deviate her off Like get her off The twin train

And I'm like Hey who wants ice cream? Who wants to go to the beach? Whole day. Just over the twins. Well, yeah, because then she's weird. She gets really fixated on things. And then she's like, she'll be at the beach.

I think they all do, though. And then she's like, hang on a second. You said I'm not a twin. And I'm like, oh. Don't think I've forgotten about that. Over nothing. Over being. It's irrational, like I said.

And they just do that. Why do they just do- Why do they just have like- I get that they've got big feelings, but like, why do they have to be so- Like, that's just ridiculous. Marley does get very fixated on things. Bless her. I do love her.

I do. With all my heart. Doesn't sound like it. But, man, her meltdowns are- Yeah, full on. Oscar's into this thing where he just like gets frustrated with things. If he's not like- He doesn't do it to his standards.

Kind of sounds like his dad. Oh, yeah. People doesn't fall fast from a tree. Whoops. So, on the weekend, I bought a PS4. I didn't have PS5 money. Hang on. Hang on.

Yeah? You've been trying to get a free PlayStation. Time now. You comment on every- Didn't prevail. Every Xbox post and PlayStation. You're like, well, this looks good. Thumbs up.

Hint, fire emojis. No one wrote back. Not a single response. But what do you- You don't seem like a kind of gaming kind of guy. Not really, but I would like to be a little bit more. And I thought like there could be some games I can play with Oscar as he grew up. I remember when my dad bought the first PlayStation, PlayStation 1,

when I was a young kid and I was like- You guys played together? We played together. And I was like, we could do that too. What would you play? Crash Bandicoot was a- With your dad? Yeah.

No way. Crash Bandicoot. And that's like a cool memory. I was going to do a really bad joke then about dads, but I don't want to hurt your family. With your dad? Yeah. No way. Crash Bandicoot. And that's a cool memory. I was going to do a really bad joke then about dads, but I don't want to hurt your family. Do it. The floor is yours.

I know you sound so surprised because you don't have a dad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Give us your joke. What do you got? That was it. I was making a dig at you and your dad. Okay. sorry. Give us your joke. What do you got? That was it. I was making a dig at you and your dad. Okay.

Because that's horrible of me. Well, I hope you're proud of yourself. I'm not. Because that is. I'll take it back. Yeah, what else do we have? There's this motorbike game I remember. Anyway, it's PS1. So, you're like, this is good.

It's good for me and Oscar. Yeah. It makes a bit of sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, I went out and I got a PS4. I thought, I'll get the cheaper version, not the expensive one. What's the RRP on a PS4? Now, it was like, I got a pre-owned one from EB Games.

It was like $300. Okay. But a PlayStation 5 was like $900. $300. And he'll just break it. Yeah. So, I got it and I got a couple of games for me and then I got a skateboarding game because I thought, he'll just break it. Yeah. So I got it and I got a couple of games to me and then I got a skateboarding game because I thought,

you'll fucking love that. Yeah. Like Tony Hawk? No, they had another one, which they didn't have any Tony Hawk 1 plus 2, whatever they do there. They just had this one. Is it like Tony Bork?

Is it like the cheap rip-off? It's like Tony Hawk's son's version. Went home and I was like look what i got buddy he was like oh sick loved it anyway so teaching him understand what it was yeah yeah yeah yeah it was stupid i was like yep so give him the remote of course he's like really impatient with just getting loaded up just not understanding that you've got to load things up like which is fine because he's four oh the ps4 it's probably like the fan you gotta crank it up

anyone wants to send me a ps5 playstation if you're listening they're not listening anyway i was teaching him how to do the very basic of just like how to get him to go right along and how to turn. Really, really basic. And then he's like, he watched me do it for a little bit and I'm like doing tricks and shit. You're killing it, obviously. And he's like, I want to do that shit. And he was just getting more and more agitated because he couldn't do it. I'm like, do this and then you forget. And then he's just like more and more agitated because he couldn't do it. I'm like, do this.

And then you forget. And then he's just like throwing the remote across. And I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. Just like getting more and more frustrated. But then when we're finished, it's like we're finished. And then he'll be like again the next day, can we play the game? And I'll be like, not if you're going to get frustrated. I won't.

I won't get frustrated. Give him the remote back again. How long did it last? Five minutes. And he's like, daddy, I can't fucking move it. Sorry, it won't get frustrated. Give him the remote back again. How long did it last? Oh, five minutes. And he's like, daddy, I can't fucking move it. Not fucking, sorry. He doesn't say fuck. I heard him say fuck the other day.

But he's like, he goes, oh, can't I get stuck? And like, he just manages to get him in like the worst positions that he's like stuck between a handrail and a wall. Like, how did you do that? And then he's just like getting more and more agitated until I hear the remote hit the floor and he's like, fuck this. Storms up to his room. I'm going to say that he's too young.

He's too young, mate. You can't- like, that's going to end up only like in one situation, which is him having a full mentee bee. We'll work at it. What's Macy doing this time? She's just walking around with a game case. Happy with that. Great, great, great.

Puts it in one of her little carry bags and she moves on. Before we get into ordinary parents, I just want to just tell you one thing that Lola's been doing lately. She's a little bit slower than Marley in that when Marley was at this age, she'd already figured out how to get out of the cot. As soon as she'd wake up, she wanted to get out. She'd scale. She'd full climb up, little Spider-Man, and slide down.

We'd be watching TV and she'd be like, hey, how the fuck did you get out here? Lola's still, she's not at that stage. And that's perfect. Yeah, same with Maisie, she's not at that stage. So, we're like this and that's perfect. Yeah, same with Maisie. She's no one here. I love that. I'm thinking about getting everyone else in my house a cage to sleep in.

Yeah. So, that one, I can just be like, yeah, in your cage. Penning them in is just the dream. It's the best. Because the more mobile they become, the worse parenting gets. Yeah. But there's a little spot in our pantry where we have all like the treats. So we always like, I know some parents out there-

Not dog treats like that person last week, the week before we had dog treats. Buster's treats. No, these are the good treats. And some parents out there are like, we do not give our children refined sugar. Oh, shut the fuck up. This is awkward because we use dessert time as like the biggest bait

for them to eat their dinner. Mate, my kids have, yes, it's a Vita gummy every morning, right? We call it lolly and a little bit of chocolate every morning once they get dressed. I tell you. Because they'll go and get dressed and then they'll come back and then I'll be like, you're dressed, ready to go. Save me doing it.

Give like reward, reward, reward, reward. Always reward. And then punish. You know Killer Pythons? Do you remember Killer Pythons? Oh, yeah, reward, reward. Always reward. And then punish. You know Killer Pythons? Do you remember Killer Pythons? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Delicious. Is that their go-to?

Well, we got a Killer Python and Lola was like massive sweet tooth. She was like, what the fuck is this? What? What is that? Like losing her mind. They're big too. Actually, they've gotten smaller. That's what she said.

Cheers! The setup. Yes! I'm going to sneak in. That's what she said into every episode. You throwing your head in the air. Like you've just gotten victory. Finished.

That's it for me today. They have gotten a little bit smaller. That's what she said. But I was like, I was at the supermarket. There's a pack of killer pythons and it was like extra 20%, bigger pack. And I was like, perfect. I'll get that.

Lola's better like last, you know, all week. Better last 20% longer. So I'm cooking dinner, preoccupied. And then like I look over at lola and she's kind of sitting there like just slumped on the couch like she's you know she's just like a sack of potatoes she's just like i was like what's wrong and she's like oh and then like i look over and she's gotten one of those little chairs where they have like they've got these little stools where they have dinner at the table oh yeah she's moved it over to the pantry she's got in one of those little chairs where they have, they've got these little stools where they have dinner at the table.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's moved it over to the pantry. She's climbed up. She's reached in. She's gotten the full brand new pack of Killer Python. Oh, my God. I've opened it because I've had a cheeky one. And she has gone through and she has eaten a full pack. A full pack of Killer Python.

A full pack of Killer Python. How much does a pack of killer pythons set you back? I think it's like five bucks. Fuck, that's good. We should get some. I'd offer you one, but Lola's... Yeah, thanks, Lola. Guest. So then Laura comes home and she's

like, why is Lola not having any of her dinner? And I was like, I don't know. It's a mystery. Hey, where did those killer pilots go? Well, yeah. Connect the dots. Dude, she is. Did she get sick?

She just had like a crash. Like her poos have been pretty strange. Pretty colourful? I'm not kidding. Another rainbow poo. It was anaconda out of bump. But yeah, she's like, she is. She's just.

She's just a proper fiend. The sugar. Dude, if you're not careful, she will fuck you. So what are you going to do with them now? What's the next step? Lock them up. No, I've had to like, I've had to, so like in the pantry, like above the microwave, right up top.

I've got complacent. Where is the microwave? In that pantry, mate. In that pantry. Now I know where to go if I want something. You've already been eating all the digestives today. If digestives are listening, we love digestive. No, you're not.

Hey, let's do ordinary parenting. We're just ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing. Because we're ordinary parents. Ordinary parents. We're just ordinary parents.

We don't know what we're doing. We don't know what we're doing We don't know what we're doing And we're just ordinary parents Ordinary parents Now, Matthew, this segment, parents, they DM it. Matt, this... Matt, this segment. That sounds so much better. The parents of this great nation, they send a-

I'm losing the plot. Oh, Matt. Matthew, this segment, Budgie Smuggler's most ordinary parent. Parents send us in their ordinary parenting moments, either via DMs or email. Email is 2TWODD at Outlook.com.au. Are you sure it's that?

Is it not 2DD? That's what I said. Is it T-W-O? Is it that? Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. I should know better than to question your mouth.

What have you got for me? Oh, wait. What have I got for you? So, who wants to go first? You think you have the winner. I think I've got the winner here. I think I do too, but I'll go first. So, how are we going to decide?

You go first. I'll go first. Then we'll just- Did you win last week? No, you got last week. I won last week. I want to go back to back. This is from Ashley.

It was an email. It was. Sorry. I have one every week before that. I want to go back to back. This is from Ashley. It was an email. It was. Sorry. I forgot. Not important information, but thank you. Go fuck yourself. It was an email sent on a Tuesday. It was an email sent on a Tuesday at about 0400.

Via the network. Via the interweb. It was up there on the internet. What do you got? This one's from Ashley. She says, hi, guys. Love the podcast. Oh, thank you, Ashley.

Very kind of you. I'm pretty sure this makes me a very ordinary parent. Let's hope so. As we know, trying to take a shit in peace when you have a 13-month-old is impossible. And sometimes I just can't hold on to it until nap time. Thanks for your honesty, first of all. He wants to run around, stick his hand in the toilet and pull out the entire toilet roll of paper. Yes, that is very true. They love the roll of toilet paper. So, recently I've resorted to strapping him in the high chair, dragging the high chair

to the bathroom and forcing him to watch me have a morning shit. He may be traumatized for life, but at least my sphincter is relaxed. It's like- Thank you, Ashley, for that. For any non-parents, that must seem so absurd. It's just another day in the office. But that's like- Far out. You just like- You've just got to do it.

You just got to get it done. Yeah. We've all done that. And it is awkward when you're there wiping your backside and you're just like locking eyes with your kid and they're like watching you and you're just like, oh. Yeah, if you do it while you're shooting, that's fine. But if you take them in their way trying to have a wank, Matt,

that's not on. Okay. Okay. Ashwix you never disappoint I know well

ask my wife okay that is good that is good that is very good okay you gotta top that ah damn it

you're good just when I just when I think it's not me this is good just when I think that you've dropped the ball and you haven't come to the table i never dropped the ball man i might seem like it might

seem like i'm a bit frazzled what do you got okay so uh this one is from kaya and she says that i go to one of those daycares where you have to pack your lunch for your kids that's like one of oscars yeah yeah yeah which can i just say that makes me shudder what are you gonna send you can just send a movie it's every day 12 o'clock yeah cool i'll order a bloody sandwich and pizza it's a bar bar whatever i couldn't think of anything worse anyway so the mom was was flat out and she said to her husband is that okay if you sort out lunch for the little one going to daycare this can only end one way and he responded sure not a problem anyway the morning of he ran

out of time so he went into 7-eleven on the way on the way to dropping off their son to daycare what did they end up with this better be fucking good she says when i picked him up that afternoon his educator approached me and said look i'm not sure who made his lunch today but it wasn't very appropriate the husband had bought nothing but a peri-peri chicken wrap and put it in his lunchbox Oh my god Bit of smico for him A peri peri chicken wrap That's it

That's all he got That's all he got from his dad for his pack lunch You'll live, you'll survive A couple of cigarettes Joggy milk A monster that a couple of cigarettes a joggy milk a monster good bit of ordinary parent that's a classic dad move that april used to be at your early childhood educator when we first met and she used to always laugh at like if a parent would drop the kid off

and they had like mackers or something and she like, what the fuck are they thinking? They would, as they pack lunch, they would go get Maccas. Jealous. Anyway, that is the winner today. Which one? The guy, the bloke. Yes. Definitely. I mean, actually your story is amazing.

I don't know if we're allowed to give out two winners. Can we – let's – We'll figure something out. We'll ask Budgie. We'll ask Budgie because we weren't expecting – we didn't really – neither of us knew what the story was going to be. Leave it with us, sure. Surely we can give something to Ashley.

Surely we can find something. Surely. She can have some of these. She can have some of them. They'll be worn, though. Do we have – actually, do we have any more jam parklet budgies left

I've got a heap of them what are you gonna do with them all I just wear them around the house

what just like rotate like one of those people who does like one wear than bin I sweat in them leave a couple

skis and I sell one on ebay they're going like hotcakes not surprised me at all if you have an ordinary story

we've got a few more weeks left of this segment send them in, DM or email. How much would they win if they get... $200 worth of Budgie Smuggler gear from Budgie Smuggler. So I think there's like a little prize pack

and then also a gift card to get you through the rest of that $200. There is never a better time than to win that gift pack from Budgie. It is summer. Yeah. Questions. Matthew, we have questions today. Beautiful.

The great parents of this nation need our help because whatever we answer, they need to do the opposite of that. Okay, Ash, I'm going to go first. This one is from Alice and she's written and she says, I have four boys who will we. Four boys, first of all. Could you imagine. Are they quad droplets? Quad?

Quadlets? Two sets of twins. Marley's head just went. Four boys. That is full on And they will wee Everywhere Except inside the toilet bowl And she is so sick of it

Help House full of dicks Yeah First of all Check their foreskin Absolutely That's Wherever they are right now

Just pull their pants down Check their foreskin Make sure Make sure it's not Shooting out at a right angle because we all know if you refer back to matthew's episode with his mum that matthew had a right angled foreskin i i was one who suffered from an extended foreskin that had to be surgically removed he was like a garden hose on the loose everywhere that shit was up, down, all around. I'd come out of the bathroom drenched in my own urine.

So firstly, check the foreskin. I actually think though like Marley and Lola, it's almost a treat for them to do a bush wee. Yeah, and we did the bush wee stance for the girls, but it's easier with the boys. Yeah, boys. Oscar loves a bush wee too. Does he?

Yeah. So designate a bush in the back of your house all the front whatever doesn't mean all the neighbor's house yeah even do we send the problem somewhere else i'm not gonna piss on ronda's fence although we've been every saturday morning we go down to the markets down at the local school just for a bushway off you go what are you getting for the markets nothing just doing a piss and a shit yeah but the toilets is like the back of the school and the markets at the front it's like so far to travel and it's so busy and there's we've got the

double stroller as well ash which you hate so it's i don't want to you know i don't want to do it and like marley will just like she's like dad bushway andwee. And I'm like, okay, there you go. It's almost, I think it's primal. I've got actually, this reminds me, I've got a video of like Oscar running. Explain it and then I'll tell you. We were down at Bowls Club the other day and I was just with a mate and his kid. And Oscar's like, I need to do a wee. I said, bushwee. And he was like, where? And there was like a tree like 50 meters away.

I was like, over there. Just was like a tree like 50 metres away. I was like, over there. Just remind me, I forgot I had this. He's the kid that pulls his pants all the way down to his ankles. Why did you send him to a tree that was so far away? You're like, cross the road. I thought it'd be really funny. He runs all the way over because he's the kid who pulls his pants down all the way down so he's gonna be that weird kid for anyone wondering he's standing there on this tree pants down by his ankles and his mate

is watching him pee a bit worried about that kid if i was you so the bushway is the go that's how you fix that were you gonna agree on that or. Now this story comes from the States, Ash, which is no great surprise. But there was a case of a mother and her son. Son was 10 years old. So hard to know how big the son would have been, but still like 10 years, it's very young. They were driving, had to go to the toilets. The mom pulled over and then the 10-year-old boy did a wee. had to go to the toilets the mum pulled over and then the 10 year old boy did a wee and it was i guess it was on someone's like property potentially at the same time a police car was driving by

kid got arrested the 10 year old got arrested 10 year old got arrested the cop came over and said you can't be doing that i've got to arrest your son what yeah? Yeah. Is there footage? There's no footage, but there's actually there's a photo of the boy in the back of a police car. Did they cuff him? No, he's not cuffed. Hang on a second. What are you going to charge this kid with? Public urination, I know, but he's 10.

Wouldn't you charge the mum? Where's the mum? Mum's like, see you, son. Off you go. I don't know. It's wild, isn't it? It's wild. That's like see you son off you go i don't know it's wild isn't it it's wild that's like only in america mate no offense to american listeners two of them we have if you are bushweeing just be careful out there it just wouldn't that just wouldn't happen here

i've been because that's ridiculous i know you've been done mate that's ridiculous though you're actually done weighing i was done weighing yeah well that i'm not surprised yeah i've been surely all i've been caught red-handed do you know one time i took a shoot out the front of brookville oval on the footpath and then the next day then the next day was a public holiday so no council working and i drove past it two days later it was still baked into the concrete hang on a second why why were you taking so obviously you've gone to the football i lost and I was upset. So you're like, nothing will soothe my soul more than a big old dump in public.

In front of the Brookvale Oval. Was that in response to like the team's performance? Was it? That's how I felt about it. Was it? Was it manly if you're listening? I got dad to do it. It was pretty late at night.

So how did you wipe your bum? With my mate's T-shirt. Oh. Boy, the gross, eh? You are revolting. Did we answer Alice's question? I don't think we did. I think we just made her scared of what's to come.

Actually, actually, that is Bush Wheeze, like the gateway to public shitting. It is. So like, you know, heaven forbid you have a child that ends up like Ash Weeks going to the football and then just shitting in public. Fuck. Like, you need to put a stop to this right now that was a long time ago we need to have like a parenting lie to make them stop like i think there's a parenting lie where someone talked about like a bird coming and like eating the willies there's like a what's her name you are such a pet i know next question sorry we couldn't help you with that one but when you get hungry you just get more like sexual with your jokes they're all just like so full of sexual

innuendos sorry okay i don't know who this is from but it says how do you get a toddler to wear underwear he will wear a nappy or commando, but no undies. Off in three seconds. Any advice? Look, Oscar loves going commando too. Any chance he gets, he thinks it's a treat not to wear underpants. With no shorts or no pants? Like he just goes full on?

Both. Or he'll just go free ball? He'll just go commando underneath. Yeah, yeah. Like when did that happen? Any chance he gets. Really? He's like, do you have an F?

He's on? Nope. And he loves to say no. I've never understood. I remember as a kid being like 13 and someone saying like, nothing's better than just free bowling. Yeah. And I was like, what?

You're not into it. Do you know what I did once? I wore boxes. Silk boxes? Yeah. Nice. And I was did once? I wore boxes. Silk boxes? Yeah. Nice. Don't even start. And I was like, let's see what all the fuss is about.

I couldn't stand for it. But at the time, at my primary school, everyone was wearing boxes. And I wore undies and boxes on top to make it look like I was free-balling. Loophole. I got caught out. Oh, no. Someone pull your pants down. I bent over and I had my boxes and the undies on top of the boxes

and they were like, hang on a second. You. Guys. I just spotted something on Matt. And I was like, what is it? And they're like, are you wearing undies with your boxes? And it was- It's the old thing where it's like, you know,

I used to get double-deck. Matt would have to get triple deck. I used to work with a guy, I'm saying work with a guy when I used to sell cars. Anyway, he used to wear a suit every day because he used to sell luxury cars. Sure. Freeboard every day.

Under the suit. Under the suit. It was so weird. And he's like, that's not the way it hangs. I want to be held together. Yeah, I need this. I want to be cupped. You've got a big, beautiful package.

That may be the nicest thing you've ever said. I know. Thank you. I'm hung like a cashew, so it doesn't really matter. On that note, that is all we have time for on a second hang on a second we're not we're gonna we're gonna help these people out what's your advice um don't get over it that's the shittest advice i just yell at oscar no i don't have any advice i don't have any advice i don't know i'm going through the same thing with oscar but look, he will wear undies, but he just loves any opportunity to not wear undies. And I don't know

how to fix it either. So, if anyone knows, I thought I wasn't allowed to give advice. And also, I thought I wasn't allowed to give any correct answers because then we'll get sued. The lawyers have been on to me. My girls, they love it. Because they're so perfect. No, the only time- The twins. to me. My girls, they love it. Because they're so perfect.

The only time I forget to sometimes put them in undies and I get to daycare and Lola's like, hey, buddy, you didn't put any undies on me and I'm like, fuck! And then they actually hate it. Yeah, okay. When I like half dress them. No undies, one sock,

one pair of Crocs. Get better, bro. Alright, well, on that note then if you've enjoyed this episode please like and subscribe send it to someone who needs a little

pep me up today I do want to say thank you for everyone who sent through some really nice messages off the back of our Movember episode which has been great

but leave a review five stars can I also just very quickly someone who listens to the show and someone who I am good friends with, his name is Grant. His child right now is in intensive care. Yes, Grant. And he does listen to the podcast. And I know that he's going through a pretty tough time right now

with his second child. It's really, really unwell. And I just want to say that, Grant, we're thinking of you. Absolutely. Wishing you a speedy recovery. And I think it's a nice reminder as well that whilst we'll often complain about how hard kids are. Some people got it tough.

Yeah. And so if your child is happy and healthy right now, give them a bloody big hug. And Grant, all the best, mate. Thinking of you. Totally. Let's get out of here. See you, mate. Bye.