Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - The World's Best New Years Resolution List

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

We're bloody lucky to be releasing this ep today - whilst Ash was mid-jog through the lovely streets of Warriewood, he was approached and threatened by none other than... Mr Freeze himself !!! Luckily he runs like the wind and survived to tell the tale. Ash has also found a New Years resolution list that is arguably one of the world's best. Matt has moved into the bach pad (spare room downstairs) after Laura contracted mild pneumonia and a horrendous cough. Dont worry.. after many sleepless nights, Matt is finally feeling much better. Happy to also confirm Laura made a full recovery. We share your best Toddler Meltdown stories as well as have a crack at answering your listener questions: If there was one part of parenting that you never had to do again, what would it be? How do you and your wife resolve arguments? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You know what I've noticed about Worrywood? You say Worrywood funny. Actually, do you know what I realized I said funny the other day? Worrywood, you said. Worrywood. Worrywood. That's better. Everyone here is worrying. We're worried. We're worried about the future.

We're worried about the cost of living. You have quite loud cicadas. Cicada, yeah. They're fucking aggressive. Or cicada. How big are they? What's the size of a cicada around here? I saw a guy walking a dog and I was like, is that a dog or is that? No, it's a cicada.

They're abnormally big. I've got a bunch of shells. Oscar collected a bunch of shells with my parents when they were here and I put them in a container because I didn't want them around the house because they attracted something else. And I put them outside in were here and I put them in a container because I didn't want them around the house because they attracted something else. And I put them outside in the container and I forgot. And every now and then I see a bird hit the container and now I'm like, I like this. welcome back very good to two doubting dads my name happens to be maddie j and i'm ash and this

is a podcast that is all about parenting it's the good good, the bad. And the relatable. And now, look, if you've come wanting any type of advice, this is not, and I repeat, not the podcast for you. We are two men who have little to no idea about anything in life. Parenting. The way you went. About anything. But if you like a giggle, we will do our very best. We can help you do that.

I'm sweating already. Yeah, why? Why would baby swamp in the swamp land? This is lovely. I'm comfortable. I'm like, I'm just a human generator. Do you run hot normally? I run hot, baby.

Okay, well, you know what will cool you down? That was smooth. Just like this. Cheers. Cheers, big guy. And if you heard that cheers, it is a cheers of a Stonewood Pacific Ale. You know what that tastes like? Beer?

Reminds me of something, Ash, and I can't quite. Am I going to beat you to it? No. Is that, could be a bit of. Byron Bay. Read each other's mind. You know I like a holiday to Byron Bay. Yes.

Very refreshing. The town, not the name. Both the beer and the town, very refreshing. So we are drinking a Pacific Ale, which comes from Stonewood, our partners, and it's inspired by the Pacific Ocean. Okay. You know, I've always wondered when I drink this, I'm like it's got quite a nice little fruity kick to it.

It's a taste that is synonymous. That's the right word. Probably not, but I'll go with it, with a Pacific ale. And I've always wondered, Ash, how do they get the fruit flavours in there? Well, it's all Australian barley and of course, Galaxy hops from Tasmania, giving it- Sorry, what kind of hops was that? A tropical galaxy. I was hoping it was going to be like, they actually sourced that from the Milky Way.

But no, it's from the solar system. That's what gets us tropical fruit aromas and flavours and why it is so refreshing. Well, Ash, that makes a lot of sense to why they call it Byron Bay in a bottle. Absolutely. Okay, if you want to pick up your refreshing Pacific Ale, get it from your local bottle shop, pub or bar.

Again, cheers, my friend, and thank you, Stone & Wood, for being such good friends of the show. Hey, Ash, before we get into the episode, we have a very important announcement to make. Ah, yes, we do. We had a competition for a year's worth of Stone & Wood. One lucky punter out there. Do you want to do the honours? You do the honours. All right, well, so the winner, drumroll please, Matthew.

I love how you've drawn the sound. Here we go. The winner is Taylor Hosmond. Hey! Well done. We'll be in touch to organise said 12 cases. Sadly, we will not be delivering that ourselves. That will come via...

Freight. Yeah. Mmm. We'll not be delivering that ourselves. That will come via... Freight. Yeah. Matthew, the other day I was going for a leisurely run. We like to run on this podcast, but... Can I just say... We can't talk about it too much. I just want to say, you were doing an amazing job so far. Thank you.

With your running. 10K every day. I had a rest day yesterday. Which you deserve. I'm in my 30s. I know where to take a rest day, and it's the day. I had a rest day yesterday. Which you deserve. I'm in my 30s. I know where to take a rest day and it's the day that I don't want to run. Just for the people listening right now, how many Ks have you done this month? 155.

Oh! Five more to go today. That's amazing. Just to get through. Yes. Look, I don't want to turn this into a running podcast. So, we'll forget about that. I was running.

I was running along the main road here, Pitwater Road. Terrible. Potholes everywhere. Anyway, I was running. It was 6.30 in the morning maybe, 6-ish. Great time to run. And there's a homeless guy who lives in the, not in the bus shelter, like the car park of the bus stop.

Okay, so you're running up to this homeless. I'm running past this homeless person where they usually are. Do you give them a nod do you say no no no i never really seen them other than in their little nook anyway he spotted me running he's come after me he's pointed at me and he's come after me profanities and i like, thankfully across the road from my main road and it's tradie traffic going past. He's in the middle of the road like yelling profanities at me like, fucking this and fucking that. I just gave him the finger and kept running. And I was like, that's such a weird interaction to have with someone.

Anyway, I carried on my merry way with the run and I got home and I was like, hmm, seems strange. So I text our friend at the cafe and I said, can you send me a current photo of Mr. Freeze? It was Mr. Freeze. You have come face to face with the man himself. Do you think he's been listening and he thought this is the guy that's dragging my name through the mud?

I don't know. But I was like. Well, he's not done himself he thought, this is the guy that's dragging my name through the mud? I don't know. But I was like. Well, he's not done himself any favours, has he? No. I was like, it would be so good if this was me. And it turns out the last update we had, they were selling the house. That was last year. So it's been, you know.

They had the open house. He also got tasered, locked up for trying to shoot the police with a bow and arrow. So now he's obviously, he's homeless, which let's hope for his sake that he turns this around. Nah, fuck him. Did he have a samurai sword? No.

They've obviously taken his weapons from him. Great. Doesn't have the luxuries. He's got a lovely woolly strolly and a lovely deck chair. But you're quite lucky. You could have been, imagine if you were on the side of Mr. Freeze. I would have outrun that motherfucker. No, but he would have that meth strength and that meth speed.

Yeah, you can't. They don't stop at anything. I think not even a lion could take them down. It would take like three lions. You're strong, but you're- Maybe they're onto something. What do you mean? Maybe we need to take, the rest of society needs to take more meth.

We'd all be really strong. Yeah. Incoherent though. From next week, hey, if there's any meth dealers out there. Friends of the show. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah, I'll keep you posted. I thought I might go back.

Will you change your route, do you think? I ran back past there the other day and he wasn't looking and then I snuck past. So you're not gonna let this interfere with your running route nah oh dude don't don't get attacked that's all right it'll be a great story if i do so it will be i mean actually don't get attacked i'm on it also matthew last week we spoke a lot about christmas but we didn't really speak about new years yes so i mean i haven't really asked you about your new years you definitely haven't really speak about New Year's. Yes. So, I mean, I haven't really asked you about your New Year's.

You definitely haven't asked me about mine, really. I know it was like maybe in passing. Look, I'll be pretty honest with you. We didn't do a whole lot. We had a couple of friends around at our place. They all had kids. You hosted another event after Christmas. We went the double, the double whammy.

We did Christmas. We did, but we only had, it was two other families. They each had two kids. My mum was also still with us. Love your mum. As in like living with us. She wasn't, you know, not in reference to her being dead. Yes, she is still alive.

She's kicking. It was very chilled, very chilled. We saw the nine o'clock fireworks with the kids. 9 o'clock the kids were up to. Yeah, dude. And I've got a solution for that. Go on. And that's why I bring this up because I was similar.

We had a really chill one with some friends. I was sober, believe it or not. I just needed a little break. I thought I would not drink and feel proud of myself next morning. Did you feel proud? No. Anyway. So I've proud? No. Anyway. So I've got a solution for it.

I've got a hack. So we had the kids. We left our friend's place at like 7.30 with the promise of them being able to see some fireworks on the TV show. Now, what do you do when the fireworks are at 9 o'clock but you want your kids to bed at an appropriate time? I don't know. Well, you go to YouTube, my friend.

Ah. And you search 2022 Sydney fireworks and you watch the 11-minute version of that and send them off to bed. I've heard about this. Yeah. I've not done it. We should have done it because once they get past like quarter to nine, they then get this weird second wind and they go loopy.

Overtired, man. So, yeah. So, did they- Straight to sleep. We're all in bed at 8.30. And did they realize- No idea. I said, good news is we're going to get to rewatch it tomorrow.

And we did. And did they like it? They were just like, meh, at the end. I don't mind, but I was just happy to not have them up. It's one of those things that it's good on paper. Like it's nice to go, you know, we were all up at 9 o'clock and we watched the fireworks together. But it's just it's not the saying goes the juices are worth the squeeze.

Very true. Ash. What we used to do as kids at my grandmother's house for New Year's is we used to walk up and down the street hitting pots and pans. I don't know what the significance of that was, but I do remember doing it. And it was like, that's what we do. That's what people do.

Happy New Year. Literally pots and pans. As in everyone on the street would do it or just the kids? It just seemed to be us. Another weird thing from my childhood. I've not heard of that tradition. Well, it's just, I don't know. Christmas trees?

Absolutely not. Pots and pans. Yay! We're all for it. But also with New Year's comes resolutions, Matt. And this is another quick thing I just want to go through because this is meant to be a parenting podcast, but I often find myself writing notes when I'm incoherent

in the middle of the night and forgetting and then finding them again. So I've found some New Year's resolutions that I've wanted to take on before New Year's actually happened. It must have been a week or two before New Year's. I'm not sure when it was, but it's nothing groundbreaking. I'm not a groundbreaking man. I think you're selling yourself short here. Maybe one day, my friend.

When people ask me what's Ash like, the one word that always, phrase that always comes to mind is- Jerk. Groundbreaking. Doubt it. So these are- These are just things that I just want to do better this year, first one

wash my hands more often than not I don't know what it is about I think once you get to your mid-thirties washing your hands is just a bit more of a non-priority yeah but it's like why did I have to say more often than not just wash your hands more bro well maybe the ratio right now

is favourable want to washing yeah okay tighten up the ratios obviously if you're gonna do dinner you wash your hands what about if you're doing a piss do you wash your hands yeah i feel like i do it enough i'm not perfect you're a very hygienic guy thank you i'm not perfect i'm sweating over here new year's resolution number two i've got fully wipe my butt every time but dash all year is there a certain period is there a certain period of the year where i don't you're like march march i'm like i need a break i'll document it can i ask actually on that because you have i think you sent me a message i can't remember i did send you a message and were like, do people really wipe their ass clean?

Every time. Do they? Yeah. Okay. I'll just. You don't? I don't know. I'm not admitting that. I mean, sometimes you do get to the fifth wipe and it's not,

the brownness isn't getting any like lighter. It's just a consistent. And you're like, I don't know where this poo's coming from. Is it just seeping out of me? Like one of those Play-Doh squish things? And sometimes you get to like the fifth, sixth wipe and you're like i don't know where this poo's coming from is it just seeping out of me like one of those play-doh squish things sometimes you get to like the fifth sixth wipe and you're like i don't have time for this i got places to be people to see what do you do then oh you just just be itchy for the rest of the day and you go like you know i'll have a shower when i come home so i'm on board i'm with you on that one I do Well I mean Can I ask the question

On average How often Would you wipe to be clean? I don't know Not to put you on the spot I'd like to say I try every time But I don't know

I don't fully know Anyway Next one Let's move on from that one. Chat more in elevators. What? I don't know. I have no idea.

No need for that. No need for that at all. This is such a millennial one. Answer my phone when it rings. You hate a phone call. And this gets a little bit weird here. It gets eat from the earth. And then in brackets it's got not plant.

What? No idea. Next one. What do you want, some bark or something? All this one is just empathy. And then in brackets it says pretend. And the last one just says jean shorts. Yeah, great.

We've done well. We've, great. We've done well. We've ticked that one off. We've ticked that one off. Anyway. You do lack a bit of empathy. I do. At times. I'm not.

Anyway. I think they're all very worthwhile goals for the year. I think you've done a great list, particularly the ass wiping one. Yeah? Yeah. I thought that was a complete waste of time, that list, and I was like, well, I'll just share it with Matt and see what he thinks.

When did you write that? I don't know. I've just got when it's edited last and that was when I found it. Great. I've got nothing. Actually, no, actually. Good. My only kind of resolution so far, I am a horrendous swimmer.

I'm a terrible swimmer i've never never swum always always struggled and at the moment we're doing a bit of a competition 750 meters and for the first time ever i did 750 meters without like stopping and dying wow on the 50-meter pool. That's a lot. I can't do it. It's so boring. It's so boring. It's so wet. Dude, I started getting water in my ear. Oh, did it come out? So it's come good today. Yesterday we were together and I just had this like-

Not in that way, but yeah. My left ear, I was like in this bubble and it happens every time. So that was my goal to do a bit more swimming. So you're going to have to be one of those old dudes that blue tax their ears. I'm literally like I'm getting like the earwax mold. That's it. That's all I've got.

You know you're getting old when you've got an earwax mold. That rhymed. Go ahead. You know you're getting old when you get an earwax mold. All right. Anyway, how are you anyway? How do you think I am? You look good.

This will come as no major surprise to you, Ash, but we have some sick individuals in our household at the moment. It never ends, does it? Laura's been, this is going on two weeks now that she's been unwell and I was giving her a lot of sympathy to begin with. But then by the second week you're like get over it i'm like come on surely by now you're starting to feel a little bit better milk in this one surely and she does get a little bit of bad asthma at times the first week was a flu

not covered pretty sure it was covered though second week Just this cough dude This cough just wasn't going anywhere Can we get an example of It's like a cat It's got a hair stuck in it That's what it sounds like Non-stop And look She's unwell

But I'm like I'm trying to watch TV Shut up That's interfering The worst that it got The worst that it got, the worst that it got, Ash, was an asthma attack that resulted in Laura vomiting. She coughed so hard that it refluxed.

Yeah. What did she spew out? We had pizza with salami and capsicum. It was lovely. It was really good. How long after? Was it re-edible? Only like once or twice, I think, in like the nine years

that we've been together have I ever had to like be in the same room as Laura vomiting. And it's quite, what do you do in that situation? Like you're very helpless. You can't offer much. I know. It's like you go pat her on the back and say, it's okay, like don't touch me.

That's it. I mean, I got a glass of water. You're better off just getting the hell out of there. Oil going, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. I hung around. I was in the bathroom with her. So what happened was she was coughing in the sink and then in the sink, our plug is like-

Yeah, the metal thing. Yeah. It won't go down. It's like a circle and then a circle, then a circle. So there's a little like- You can unscrew that. Can you? I'll show you. I've got one upstairs. I then a circle. So there's a little like- You can unscrew that. Can you? I'll show you.

I've got one upstairs. I'll do it. We'll do a little demonstration. Because there's a tiny little lip where the water comes through, but that had got blocked up with the capsicum and the salami and like the pizza dough. And so Laura was then vomiting in the toilet behind me and I was trying to then clean up all the vomit from the sink.

And I was like, this is lovely. This is marriage, mate. This is- Sickness and health. Married life. But I wish you could do more when someone's vomiting. I don't. I wish I could do less and be the hell away from wherever it's happening.

Hey, empathy. Pretend. Pretend. I mean, I wish I could do more. Is that pretending enough? Yeah, very good. Very good. Very good.

We'll leave that in there So how's she now? How's she going now? Well mate she ended up And she is okay She's on the mend She ended up going into hospital Just because she was very out of breath

They think she has mild pneumonia Oh Mild pneumonia Do you get that from just lack of movement? Look I always associate it with being really cold Like cold climate I thought it was like if you're hiking in the-

But a lot of like old people in tropical areas as well die from pneumonia. I feel like if you're over 70 and you're living in Queensland, pneumonia is going to get you. Be warned. Yeah, that is a warning to all of you out there. Be warned to all of you. Yeah, but like you hear a lot of times where like someone breaks their leg, ends up in hospital, dies of pneumonia.

And like where's the pneumonia come from? Pneumonia is just that it's lurking. It's lurking. It's following you around like a shadow for your whole life. I'm sure it's in here somewhere. Pneumonia, yes, I can smell you. I have managed to. I don't think it's contagious, bro.

Pneumonia. Is it? No. Okay, so here's my question for you though ash okay when your partner is sick is it okay to sleep in a separate room slash bed yeah 100 okay great because i've moved out you've moved out i've i've moved to the summer house i've moved to the pool house i've moved downstairs in the cellar in the wide we have a little like sofa a little room downstairs oh yes yes another one and i've made that into a bed batch pad yeah boy and the first night was hard so should we change

your postal address yeah Yeah 20, yeah I don't want to give it away Just A at the end of the number It was a bit tough at first Night one felt very, you know, felt strange How good is rest though? So I woke up after night one and I was like This is pretty nice

Divorce papers in the mail to my neighbor who is laura i've had a full seven and a half hours uninterrupted that is amazing so night two i was like hey well i better stay downstairs just because you still got the cough i don't want to get in the way and so night three i'm like this is now i've got like my clothes downstairs i've got the downstairs bathroom you're just carrying the tv into the new one bedroom unit at the front and it's like you only get your kids once a fortnight and you're one of those sad little single dad beds for them in the corner where they share it. And Laura's like, I think I'm getting well enough for you to come back into the bed.

I don't know, Laura. I better have a few more nights just in case. So it's been real nice. It's been lovely. There's other husbands out there going, see? I told you. Told you it was fine. I don't want to catch pneumonia bro Yeah it's like

You're going to sublet your room out Your house out downstairs That's great Well Glad she's on the mend Also We need to have a Bit of a housewarming for you

In your batch pad Before she gets completely Fully on the man. I'm thinking Sunday. Yeah. Sunday because the Sunday's, Laura's got the kids on Sundays now. Stonywood on tap.

Yeah. The other thing that's happened just quickly, Ash, to make things more difficult than what they already are, parenting kids is hard enough. Oh, I always say it sucks. You know what makes it even harder? I mean, I love it. There he is. There you go. You know what makes me even harder? I mean, I love it. There he is.

There you go. You know what makes parenting even harder? Spending a single day out. Yeah, go. Mosquitoes. Oh, yes. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Do they like you, not kids, I'm talking about mosquitoes.

Do the mosquitoes like you in particular? Not me. Yeah, me either. I'm fine. I take it as the biggest compliment ever. Yeah. From a mosquito. How much do you have that as like you wear that with pride?

It's like you can't fucking touch me. They don't like my blood. Yeah, it can't. It's not sweet enough. Yeah, they're like, it must taste like shit. You know what? And I'm happy. Mosquitoes are like, I'm drunk after drinking that stuff.

Definitely better not drive or fly home. So you call Worrywood? Worrywood. Worrywood because I'm worrying. You call Worrywood the swamp but actually Bondi after this rain. I don't think just so that the Bondi City Council doesn't hear you, you're not allowed to refer to Bondi as the swamp because the rich will come after you.

Well, at the moment. Just heaps. There is nothing but mosquitoes. It's about time that you guys got something that wasn't quite so savoury. I'm like three houses down from a sewage plant. It's not a nice way to talk about Carl Sandelands' house. Anyway. Can I just show you a little video?

Shit Yeah Oh my god She's been Get it away from me She's been rinsed Oh my god What? Look at her arms dude

They're leaving the doors open man Oh my god That's a bed bug No it's not No they're mosquitoes Don't you dare What? Look at her arms, dude. They're leaving the doors open, man. Oh, my God. That's a bed bug. No, it's not. No, they're mosquitoes. That's mosquitoes. Don't you dare. Don't dare, yeah.

It'd be so good if you got bed bugs. Not for me. Not for you. It'd be good. So she, no one else in the house is getting bitten and then all of a sudden Lola wakes up and she's got like 30 mosquito bites. Is she the only one? Marley a little bit, but Lola is.

Are they still in the same room? They're in the same room. She just gets rid of them and they all turn into welts. Right. And Marley, like they don one? Marley a little bit, but Lola is. Are they still in the same room? They're in the same room. She just gets rid, and they all turn into wells. Right. And Marley, like they don't like Marley. Not so much. And Marley's there like, I've got one as well, like somewhere. Wants to be part of the team.

Yeah, she's like. I'll find it, I swear I'll find it. She wants to have something wrong with her. Lola's getting all the attention. And so at the moment, man, like. Has she thought about pneumonia? Well, like, what's the disease you get from mosquitoes? There's a couple.

We'll go through them. Ross River fever. Ross River fever. That's one of them. That's the last thing we need. At the moment we've got pneumonia, soon to have Ross River fever. What else is the other one you get when you're overseas? Malaria.

Malaria. Yeah. Glaringly obvious, that one. Not to be forgotten. I nearly said melatonin, but not melatonin. Yeah. Glaringly obvious, that one. Not to be forgotten. I nearly said melatonin, but not melatonin. Yeah, dude. So obviously we've just given it about the dummy full time pretty much now because every time she goes to bed she's like, oh, my God, they're itchy.

And I'm like, oh, I have the dummy. So what's the solution do you think there? Well, I don't know. Red oven. Well, I've had a look online. I'm looking at mosquito killers at the moment. Everything from like the sticky pads right up until like you have these like zappers to these ones that are like this UV light

that like slowly kill them all. Slowly is better. Yeah, I want it to be. Sorry to those animal loving. So, hey, if you've got any advice for how to get rid of mosquitoes, I've even got the little wristbands that have like a little. They're for balance. They're not animals. So, hey, if you've got any advice for how to get rid of mosquitoes, have you even got the little wristbands that have like a little- They're for balance. They're not for-

So I'm trying everything at the moment. I'm out of ideas. Out of ideas. Mozzie's don't like me. They like April. And that's about it in this house. So there's always one. There's got to be one sacrifice.

So how does April survive in the swamp? We just keep our doors shut. That's why I'm sweating. Front door's open? Screen door, isn't it? Okay, great. Oh, yeah. Look, she does get bitten, but not to that extent.

Yeah, dude. Let's put it this way. If Lola was a fully grown woman, wouldn't look so bad because her body would have spread them out. Okay. Do you hear my logic there? Yeah, no, I got it. It's very good.

Yeah. Very good. Just grow up, Lola. You'll be fine. Look, they're not great. I mean, yeah. You definitely don't want to get Ross River fever. I had a mate who had that once.

Never recovered properly. He's never been the same since. He's never been the same. He's like, if anything flying comes near him, he's like. You know anyone who's had pneumonia? I don't want to talk about it. They all died. Heavy. How dare you? No don't want to talk about it. They all died. Heavy.

How dare you? No, Nan recovered. Nan had it. Yeah, she's always got pneumonia. Spoon Nan? Not so much. Rest in peace. R.I.P.

Hey, should we do meltdowns? We should do our new segment. This intro is one of the worst that we've ever seen. I know. But the worse it is, the better it is. I think I can agree with that. I don't know if people listening can agree because they're probably going to turn this bit off for us.

If you're listening right now, turn it down just a smidge. It's the final meltdown. The final meltdown. So if you're not familiar with this segment, it's where we have people writing and tell us about their kids or a child they might know, most ridiculous meltdown. Over what? It's very- Entertaining. It's very entertaining.

But also, if anyone is not a parent, because there are a few people who don't have kids and they listen in, having kids is just, it's non-stop troubleshooting of meltdowns. It's just doesn't matter. I've often said it's like having an incoherent drunk person owning one yes that's exactly what it is things are good it's only going to last for maximum five minutes before you have a meltdown yeah yeah and then it's like you have a meltdown with a drunk person like you know what fuck you yeah and afterwards they're like oh you know i love you man i'm sorry bro i love you so much that's exactly what it's like that's parenting that

is parenting it's they should put that in exactly what it's like. That's parenting like a toddler. That is parenting. They should put that in the dictionary. It's like parenting defined. I'll start with just one that happened to me, not my kids, but I witnessed it firsthand, which I love that the most. It's enjoyable when you're childless is even better. You know when it's a good one when other parents around are like,

do you know what's wrong? Do you know what happened? You know it's bad. Do you know what happened? You know it's bad. And you're like, oh, fuck. Anyway, so I was at the beach the other day and I just get out of the car and then all of a sudden I hear the wind up. I hear the, this kid just screaming like top of their lungs like, oh, I thought maybe they'd fallen over or something serious had

happened and then april was happened to be where like she'd been out of the car seen it what was happening i hadn't seen i just heard it and then i'm walking back behind the car and i was like oh like what happened and she was like the kid had an absolute, still melting down. Cry for 20 minutes, right? 20 minutes because it was getting dressed. How dare you? How dare you dress me down at the beach to go into the water? But then we've walked to our spot on the beach, can still hear it. Then I hear it coming down the beach, still screaming.

And I'm like, what the fuck? And the lady next to us was like, do you guys know still screaming. And I'm like, what the fuck? And the lady next to us was like, do you guys know what happened? And I was like, yeah. They just, the kid just got dressed. Didn't like it. There is that little split moment from when you put a shirt over the toddler's head. And they're like.

It's a freak out. And then as soon as you pop it into the hole, they're like, oh, thank God. I always say to Oscar when that happens, oh, nearly lost you there. But they kept going, kept screaming, and then the parents thought, you know what's a good idea? Let's get him into the water. But also it was a northerly swell, so all the water comes from deep water. It's really cold compared to what it should be in summer.

Thanks for that little tip. The kid just went off, just continuous. They had to pack up and go home. Dude, that's- What a lovely night. The thing is that the parents would have been like, let's get down to the beach for the kid. Yeah, I'm doing this for him.

We're doing this for the kid and ended up having to go home. There is nothing more disheartening than when you are doing something with the intention, nothing else, but to try and make your child happy. Like going to like a kid's playground or something like that and if they don't enjoy it, obviously a meltdown is fine, but if you can't spin that round and like get them to turn the corner and then you come back home and it's just you accept defeat. Fuck, it is disheartening.

I hate that. Like I did this, I do this for you. Yeah. Not me. I don't do it for me. I don't go to the zoo. I don't want to look at the lions. I know.

I don't want to go to the zoo and my legs immediately hurt as soon as I walk in there. It's like why are my legs so sore like I've been running a marathon today? I've got one here for you. Shoot. This one is from Casey. She's written in and she said, my toddler had a tantrum because I didn't get the receipt after buying three things from Woolies.

Just worried about you going to shops afterwards. Warranted. Why? What is it to you? I've got another one. I'll just give you one that I've got really quick. It's actually from a family member of mine. So it's from a cousin and they've got two kids.

They've got one who's like, I think she's like three or four or something like that. Apparently she has a meltdown because they won't let her drive the car. Every time apparently. That's about as annoying as it gets. She's trying to get somewhere. It's like you put him in the seat. Just let him drive and be like, fucking do it.

Yeah, Macy has an obsession with the car that if we get her out of the car without her letting her have a play in the car, meltdown. Stop that habit right now. I do. Someone else doesn't. Not naming names. This meltdown is one that happens to us. And I don't know if you're because of the same.

We've got the double pram. And Lola's a really good height because she's still in like the seat pram. Yeah. Perfect height to press the pedestrian crossing button. Whereas Marley's kind of like wedged on the back of the scooter. Stuck in there somewhere. And so whenever we go up to a crossing, Lola will press the button and then Marley is like, I wanted to press it.

And then it's this fight of who has to press it last. We let Marley press the button and then Lola is like, I wanted to press it. So then it's just like. Just all day. You'd be there all day being like, okay, last one. We don't go to the park. I reckon if you didn't be like, that's it, that's the last one,

they would just go back and forth all day. Because Oscar and Macy do that if last person to get a kiss from mum before they go to sleep. But Macy would jump up and down in the cot so that she's the last one. And she's the youngest. And the other day she was jumping up and down in the cot and headbutt the edge of the cot so that she's the last one. And she's the youngest. And the other day she was jumping up and down in the cot and headbutt the edge of the cot. And she literally went boom, bang, hit the deck.

Straight to sleep. Straight to sleep. Concussion. Anyway, if you've got one, please send us a DM or flick us. No, just send us a DM. We're going to change the email address, I think. We might change it But for now

What is it right now? Big dick dads Dirt Yes Let's move on to some questions I have a question for you Straight up Do you mind if I kick off?

Yeah I'm very intrigued to know the answer to this question Because I feel like couples have very varying styles Yep This one Ash Shoot Fire. This one, Ash. Shoot. Fire away. This one has come from Paris Jane.

Messaged me this morning, in fact, on Instagram, direct to my messages. And she said, we'd love to know how you guys work through your parenting tips as a couple. So, like, what's your, like like resolution process for when you and april are having a little argument or haven't like agreed on the outcome of the parenting situation like for example i just want for you please and april does this a lot okay where i'll be like no i just heard her move upstairs because she does listen in oh she's like just put a ear to

the floor well you're about to get sledged go so whenever like one of the kids is like i want something like this and i'm like no and i like walk away sometimes april has given it to them afterwards and i've snooped to see what happened and she's done it so you're the you're the bad cop yeah and i've gone you've got to back me up. Like you can't just like, oh, it's just like easier to do. Usually what happens is we'll have like a little tiff. We don't fight very often. What happens when you guys actually have a fight?

I think there's a lot of fights still open. We haven't resolved them, which is not good. Good to hear. of fights still open we haven't resolved them which is not good could say uh would you guys okay question for you because laura and i if we have a obviously a little disagreement it doesn't warrant having a full sit down yeah we can't go to sleep without saying what physically or you just like well i could probably go to sleep. In the batch pad? Yeah. Go downstairs. We need to kind of both acknowledge what was the cause of the problem and like say sorry and then have a kiss and then we're good to go.

Kiss. Are you guys like that or do you guys, you can let it simmer for a little bit. No, we usually just take little digs at each other until eventually we're laughing about it oh that's nice and healthy yeah great anyway that's that's that's the answer literally i'll be like just ask mom she'll give it to you little kid kidney shot yeah it seems to be working perfect we're fine. I swear. All right, my turn. My turn. Here's one.

It comes from Amy via Instagram. If you could erase one aspect or task in parenting forever, what would it be? The list is endless. Jesus. Yeah. That's a very open-ended question. Okay.

Where do we begin? One thing you just like go, oh, just like paraphrase that a little bit for you, Amy, if you don't mind. Matt, one thing that you fucking hate about it that you could just be like, I wish I could never or would never have to do that ever again in my existence. I think, okay, there's a lot. Can't say all of it. Probably the one that I dislike the most would be brushing teeth.

Oh, yeah, you got, yeah. Because every time, we had a little window, we talked about it last year, we would say there's sugar bugs and unless you get rid of the sugar bugs through brushing your teeth, sugar bugs would rot your teeth away. And it worked for a little bit and the kids would be like, oh, sugar bugs. They caught on. they would like allow us to brush their teeth but every time every time the kids are in the bath i'm gonna brush their teeth it's like i've got pliers and i'm pulling them out like just i've got to pin them down open your mouth and then lola's like i want to do it and

then she just sucks the toothpaste off swallows it she's like finished i'm like that's not it smart you gotta actually yeah having the battle that's the battle and then ash and then because like we always finish on brushing the teeth so then i get out of the bath they're kicking and screaming getting them dressed they kick and scream again it just takes a while. They finally calm down like midway through the first book. Can you tell I hate brushing teeth? Maybe brush them at a different time. You're onto something.

Maybe just finish dinner and go, guess what, girls? This time we're going to brush our teeth straight after dinner so the food doesn't get lodged in there. Get that food out. That's very clever. What would it be for you? It's definitely the battle of it's just like the battle of trying to get them to listen that's it because i feel like if i could remove the aspect of me telling them like to do something remove disciplining is that i hate disciplining them

because i find that i'm doing it all the time because they don't listen. Was that a dig at April? No. I was joking. No. I was joking. Of course not. How dare you?

I don't know. It's a tough one because it's like Oscar. What about reading kids' books? Do you like that? It's all boring to me, man, but I don't do that. What about – you don't read kids' books? I do like – April is way more diligent with that. She does the – I do the help to the bath.

We do the bath, get them dressed. I say goodnight. They read a book with mum. You're the dinner guy. Yeah, I'm the dinner guy. I finish. Actually, that's it. You've just hit it on the head. Dinner.

If I could remove the battle of getting them to eat dinner. Yes. If I could just get them to eat dinner, I reckon I would be them to eat dinner i reckon i would be a better person that empathy wouldn't be pretend that would be real if i could get them to eat dinner if there's any scientists out there figure that out figure yeah what do i do starve them let's not explore the depths of the ocean or like universes no one needs that just figure out how to make our kids eat dinner they're like there's more grains of sand than there is stars just tell me how to get my kids to eat that fucking dinner like if someone served me chicken nuggets and chips i'd be like you're the best not like i don't like it i liked

it yesterday i don't like it today that's another thing too if i can get rid of god here same with dinner the change of taste buds over the course of 24 hours. So, like, I'll be like, have this. And they'll be like, they'll eat it. I'll go, that's the key. That is it. That's the thing. And they're like, I hate watermelon.

And then you give it to them tomorrow and they're like, I don't like it. Yeah, actually, do you know what? Fucking. Just quickly. Marley was like, actually, I no longer like having butter on my toast. And I'm like, that's a lie because I've seen you eat that by the spoonful this morning and all of a sudden because it's on your toast right now and it's in front of you. And you haven't even noticed.

That's another thing. Oscar doesn't want Vegemite with butter anymore. So I've been sneaking the butter on there. I sneak in the butter on the because i ain't raising no freak and if you have any parenting questions you can submit that to us via either one of our personal instagram yeah dm stop me in the street be like i've got a question don't stop me in the street actually that, that's probably what Mr. Freeze was trying to do. I've got a really good question for the phone. Ash, please stop.

And you're like, fuck off. I literally gave him the finger and get running. I just wanted to know. But it was one of those. What is our email? 2DD at Outlook. Outlock? No, it's so T-W-O-D-D at Outlook.com.au.

Great. You canau. Great. You can submit them there. Can I also just say as well, Ash, really quickly before we go, we do have I believe the figure is around about 43 calendars. This is Chore Play 2024. They are remaining. They are sitting there waiting to find a home, someone in this country to love them you

ask the question you're like has anyone masturbated over the calendar do you know what nothing would make me happier yeah i welcome it i have over the pictures of me because i'm so self-obsessed what i my idea was to take them to news agents and put them in the calendar section of the newsagent but put free and then film people picking them up. We'll be there for a while. I do love a good newsagent. We should sit there and play Scratchems. What's Scratchems? Scratchy is what my name calls Scratchems.

Scratchies? Scratchems. Anyway, don't gamble, kids. There is some remaining. There is some remaining. That are on the Budgie Smuggler website. They are. Go grab grab them maybe we'll just heavily discount

them uh let's give it one more week we got any left we'll give like we're selling I'll just wait till next week hey no no no they will sell out let me let me tell you

they will not be we're gonna actually put the price up we can do a like everything must go sale yeah we should do that okay we'll see you guys no if

you've enjoyed this episode oh sorry that's okay if you enjoyed this episode. Oh, sorry. That's okay. If you enjoyed this episode, please send it to a friend, someone who needs a laugh, someone who needs a cackle, or someone who's just having a little bit, maybe struggling with parenting because parenting is hard. Parenting is tough, apparently.

And also, we would love if you've enjoyed this episode, you can, of course, subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts. So, every episode gets delivered straight into your inbox and a review. A few stars, a few comments. That's all we ask for. The end. Goodbye.

See you next time.