Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Two Doting Dads and a Mum feat. Ellie Johnson (Matt's Mum)

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

Today's ep is a little different - Ash has taken a few weeks off to frolic around Bali with the fam. Before he left, we recorded a very special episode with Matt's mum who happened to be in town. Ellie Johnson is a proud mum of five kids. We spoke about whether or not she planned to have such a big family, the hardest phase of parenting, what Matt was like as a teenager, the real story behind Matt's circumcision, what she thought of Laura on the Bachelor and her secret to looking so bloody good at the age of 71. Huge thanks to Ellie for being so awesome to chat to (I love you mum). Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any Doting Dads or Mums you'd like us to interview. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Are you fold or scrunch? I do that one where you wrap it around your hand like that and then it's like, yeah. What do you call that? Now, that's a fold, I'd say. It's a fold. It's a wrapper, I think. I don't know.

I think I wrap. Do you hang out? Do you sit or do you stand? I stand. Yeah. Yeah, I stand. What's up? I stand.

You stand. Whoa! If you sit, you've got the crevice. If you stand, you've got the crevice. If you stand, you've got an open... Welcome back to Two Doting Dads and One Mum Slash Nana. Yeah, my name. You're not allowed. No.

As you mess that up. I say I'm Matty J. Your third. Yeah, your third. I should know my place. I am Matty J. I'm Matty J. So you've got to tell me this.

You've got to give me more direction. I actually did. I clearly Ash. You've got to tell me this. You've got to give me more direction. I actually did. I clearly remember saying that Ash will introduce himself and then you will talk. Okay. This is going to go swimmingly. I am Matty J. I'm Ash.

Now you go. It's your turn. Go. And I am Ellie and I am Matt's mum. Just name. No. Sorry. Continue. Continue. That was it, I think.'s mum. Just name. No. Sorry, continue. Continue.

That was it, I think. That was it? Yeah. That was good. I think that was really good. Would you like me to do it again? No, that was perfect. While these two bicker, this is a podcast all about the good, the bad and the relatable of parenting.

And of course, today we have Matt's mum here to get to the bottom of why and how Matt is why he is like that he is. Oh, that would take years of therapy. Can I just say, mum, if at any point you feel uncomfortable around Ash, please let me know. What about me? What if I feel uncomfortable? No, I've just, since you arrived, just been very uncomfortable around the two of you. Well, do you want to start calling me dad now or at the end of the podcast? No, it's great to have mum here.

This episode is going to be a little bit different because normally we have guests on a bonus episode. However, right now, when this comes out, Ash will be... Balls deep in some bintang in bali he is on holiday so we have pre-recorded this episode with my mother so it's not going to be a normal episode in that we don't have the lies we don't have ordinary parenting as a segment it's just going to be with my mother dearest yes and even though we don't have those segments we do have some other juicy things about to ask about foreskins. So a few people had suggested we get our parents on here, and it just so happened that Laura is, well, at time of recording,

Laura is away in Bali. And at the same time, by pure coincidence, my sister was moving house. So mum was coming down. It's worked out perfectly. So I've hijacked my mum, roped her into being in my house so I can get some help with the kids. And we thought. Chuck her on the pod.

Chuck her on the pod. So mum should be packing boxes at my sister's house. Instead, she's here talking shit with us. So we're doing you a favour. Yeah. Thanks, Matt. There's plenty of time to pack boxes. Yeah, this is actually going to be a busy day for you.

You're going to have podcasts in the morning, packing boxes in the afternoon, and then you're also doing daycare pickup as well. And if we could have dinner ready by six, I'd love that. Maybe roast chicken. So for those of you, Matt's mum had five kids, right? Matt, you're the middle? I am the middle child.

Would you say Matt's your favourite? Not going to get me out on that one. No, I love all my children equally. Yeah, that's what I say too. However. However. And being the middle child, you've got how many sisters, Matt? One sister.

So it is... Just the one sister. I don't think you had two sisters. I don't even know how old they are because in my eyes they're still like 18 but tom is the youngest well actually you sorry you introduced the kids yes go i have five i can't remember i want names middle names data bird tom is 28 is he 28 Fred is 31 and you are 36. Nearly 40, yep. And Kate's 37 and Adam is 39.

Wow. So there's like a 10-year gap between the first and the last one. Yeah. And out of all five of them, Yeah. And out of all five of them, where was Matt ranked in terms of being an easy child or being a problem child? No, I wouldn't say he was a problem. In fact, I suppose looking back, I was quite fortunate that the four boys were relatively easy.

I didn't have big problems. I had big problems with kate oh in that at a certain age of 15 yeah she wanted to do all the things that you don't want a 15 year old going to the valley going to this for those of you who don't know the valley in brisbane is like the king's cross it's where all the clubs are so what you're trying trying to say is Kate was the problem child. Yeah. She's not here to defend herself either. But I do think, I mean, I know you're generalising, but I do think that girls mature quicker

and they just think they can do these things earlier. You guys, the four of you, didn't want to do anything too early. When you got to 18, that's when you partied more and went out more that you know what was i like as a primary school child versus in like teenager and then young adult primary school you were really into sport such an athlete but that was a good outlet you know you just loved long distance running ash is very aware of that yep so that was that was good uh you loved cricket so you were pretty passionate about sport was he naughty at school like at that age like it was well he wasn't naughty at school he did at home the mandatory punching his sister in the face

to the nosebleed. Yeah, yeah. He'd do things like that. That was one time. Sure it was. Sibling rivalry in my family was alive and well. Yeah. And it was usually the older one on the next one, the rivalry.

And I used to say to people, somebody is always fighting with somebody else. It really was. Yeah, the rivalry. And I used to say to people, somebody is always fighting with somebody else. It really was. And that was, I think you go into parenthood and you think you're going to have a little house on the prairie. And it wasn't for a while. And that was hard. But there was a distinct moment I remember, and I suppose the older ones were about 14,

you know, 10, and I listened and I thought, they're all in the same room and they're not killing each other. We were stoned. But I remember listening at the door thinking, oh, my God, they're talking, they're discussing, they're laughing, they're enjoying each other's company. And that was actually a watershed moment, that you'd gone past this young rivalry and attacking each other

and you were getting on as young adults. And that was a real joy. Did you always think you were going to have five? Was that the plan when you were growing up? Did you think, I'm going to have a big family? Yeah. Really? Yeah yeah for whatever reason but i suppose coming from wales not having my family here i sort of wanted my tribe i think were there some days where you just like why the fuck have i done this do you know i honestly would never have gone that far to say I wish I hadn't done this however it was hard the first three were three years and one month apart so that was just hard work I'd go on holiday and

by the time I'd put sunblock on everybody and got the snacks together and go to the beach, someone needed a nap. It was hard to get everybody out. The logistics of it. It was logistics. We just had this really warm weekend and I was just on my own, April was away, and I had two kids down at the beach and it's like an hour to get them out the door. An hour to get them out the door.

And then you're trying to get them home from the beach and they're with all their friends. It's just chaos. I don't know how you did it with five. I mean, I suppose you just did your best and just to see if we make it or not. What would you say was the hardest transition? Was it three to four or four to five? The hardest was having three because there was just three in three years

and that was full on. But you realise how big families work because with the younger two do you remember you were on duty yeah we had like kitchen duty i would allocate a job to you to look after the littlies it would be two of you watching the younger two in the bath getting them dressed lying down reading a story and i realized big families work because often families maybe only have two and they're 18 months apart so they kind of grow up together but by the time tom was born the youngest. Adam was 11. Kate was 10. And you were nine. So there were hands to help. And I had a Tom roster on the fridge.

Everybody, remember that? Everybody had a job to do to help Tom. And it was then that I thought, you know, all this is happening. I'll just. Mum was like, I might have a sixth. Let's go again. Well, if I'd had a husband, maybe. What a shame. Ash is married.

And what a shame I've had a vasectomy. Look, I want to go back to, I want to ask you a question about Matt's foreskin. Okay. I remember it. Because this story came as a massive shock to me and everybody else. I think, like, part of me is thinking, like, did I, have I remembered it correctly? Yeah. Yeah. So that's what I want to find out. So, have I remembered it correctly? Yeah.

Yeah. So that's what I want to find out. So it was, is it six? I think it was six. So for those who haven't heard this story, go back to one of our previous episodes, early day, where we talked about Matt was born and kept his foreskin until the age of six. But Ellie, if you don't mind just giving us an overview of what that was like decided not on the medical advice and everything was fine and then matt would just

really wee all over the toilet like an elephant's trunk like and it was really this is crazy how can he miss that big hole and i thought i watch him wee. And then he went to the toilet, and I'm not kidding, this wee came out at right angles to his penis. And I looked at it and thought, what the hell is going on? So I didn't want to be too personal and manipulate his foreskin. No, I did try thinking, this hole is not in the right place. So I went to the GP. He examined it and said, yeah, you've got a little scar tissue over this portion

and it's made it go out at right angles. You've got to have a circumcision. Where was the scar tissue? I don't know. So he had a five skin. No. Yeah, there was just some extra skin that had gone over. So a five.

Yeah, okay. You're a five skin boy. You always had to be first. More to love. So got to have the circumcision but had obviously a general and had it done and i had this pamphlet of how to care for this penis and it was a learning curve so anyone right anyone right now i'd love to see the pamphlet that says how to care for this penis do you remember any of

the key steps that people should be aware of well i, I remember, oh, you had to take the outer bandage off and then use the saline solution. And there, in bold letters, was on day five, completely remove the dressing. I remember. I've got a sharp pain in my penis right now. And it said soak in the bath. So you soaked in the bath and you came out and i thought

oh it must have been like day 15 but there's a like it rubbed off or something day five it's quite i can only just come out of surgery and mum was there like let's take off the bandage and i was like are you sure mum she's like yeah it's what it says and i looked at that bandage and I thought, look, stuck on. Matt's currently grabbing hold of his penis. It's really important that you take this off. And I just had to pick it and rip it off. And this poor kid, I mean, you were doubled up and you ran around the room holding your penis. And then I finally looked.

Can you feel that? I looked at it. I've still got mine. Oh, it was red raw and I thought, oh, maybe I shouldn't have done that. You've literally ripped it off like a band-aid, like on the most sensitive part of the human anatomy. But anyway, your penis is beautiful now. Oh, my God.

Your penis is beautiful. Thanks, Mum. Something I would have thought I heard out of Laura's mouth, not Matt's mum's mouth. I'll take it. Did you have an option then to do the full circumcision or be like, hey, would they give you an option of like if you want to keep a foreskin, we can just take a circumcision?

No, no, no. The only option was a total circumcision. All or nothing. Or going through life with right-angled wee. Imagine if they said either he goes through his life with right-angled pee or you've got to chop the whole penis off. Oh, right-angled pee. Just go the right angle, yeah.

It would be interesting, wouldn't it, when you're thinking about making love because normally that sperm would need to shoot straight up, but if it was going at right angles it might get lost and not really know where it's going. I don't know about that, but anyway. I'm learning a lot of Matt's penis anatomy. What was it like as a teenager? I feel like I had moments where I was very well behaved

and I feel like there were moments where I veered off course. I don't think you veered off course. Well, I got expelled. I got expelled and suspended a few times. Did you get expelled? From school camp. Well, let's be honest. Matt started a midnight boxing tournament.

He was on this camp. Fight club. And he and his mate started this. On school camp. Where was school camp at? It was Ironbark. It was like on a farm. So you did five weeks.

So let me get this straight. You went on a school camp. Was it a boys' school? Co-ed. Co-ed. And you just decided to start a fight club. Correct. a school camp. Was it a boys' school? Co-ed. Co-ed. And you just decided to start a fight club. Correct. On the camp.

But you would have, like, pillows. A pillow fight club. Like pillow gloves. Let's dainty up it. Let's go, yeah. And so we got a call to say, your son has been involved in organising a boxing tournament. I was the sacrificial lamb.

Oh, yeah, okay. I wasn't the ringleader, but I was dobbed in by the others. So he did have to come home early. The good news is that Matt still has retained the championship for the midnight boxing tournament. The title. Yeah, the title. How old was he?

I was 15. Troubling age. I was at a pretty strict school and I remember I think I was 14 and I really wanted to have frosted tips, like really badly. You and everybody else at 14. Yeah, and you let me do it, which is why. No, no, no. What happened was your auntie, who's a hairdresser, came from Wales

and she had all this bleach and stuff and she was showing me how to do it never done it in my life and you said I wouldn't mind having highlights okay boy sit your mother's going to do it so I did all these highlights and over processed it just a tad so you did look a little bit over blonde anyway you went to school look great and then i don't know if it did i'm not picturing it looking good and the next day we had what were they called the people who controlled the unifying security we had the school was really strict so we had marshals who the only job was to just make sure that if anyone misbehaved in the school you got dealt with by the marshals oh my god so they weren't teachers.

They were essentially like police on campus. They phoned me and they said, we've noticed that Matthew has come with dyed hair. We don't know who would have done that to him. And I went, no, I'm not sure either. But it's unacceptable. He'll have to have his hair changed. And then he proceeded to say, this is the honest truth,

you know, you couldn't go to war with a young man who did that. The marshal? The marshal actually said. A military care? I think he was a vet though. I think he was a vet, yeah. Did they let you keep the hair? No, I had to cut it.

They make you cut it? Yeah. Or what? He asked us to leave. He'd be expelled. That's wild. Why did you send him to this school? To straighten him out?

No, no. Well, it was a strict school, but it was co-ed. So it was a co-ed private school. And they did have a lot of good things like Einbach, which was a farm and you went for a term. And good for sport as well. And good for sport. Milk a cow.

It was good for drama. Oh, that's where he gets it. Yeah. Would you say you kept us kids on a tight leash or did you take the approach of giving us total free reign? Do you know, I think when you're a single parent, that is very hard to keep all your children on a tight rein because it's physically, you just drown.

So I wouldn't say I did that, but you didn't push that too far. Your sister did. You remember that you would be part of the team that would hold her back in the house so she couldn't go out with unsavoury individuals. Remember that? I remember. And also she would wag school. So we would leave in the morning and she would go with other clothes

in her backpack and then she would not go to school. And I'd be like, please come to school. And was like shut up do what I want well interesting thing with that was she had a part-time job at Macca's one Friday afternoon I was going to school late and I hadn't had lunch I never do this during the day and I thought oh I'll get Macca's I'd taken Kate to school that morning and I went through the drive-thru to order my fillet of fish burger. The fish fillet. And I looked up and this was about 12 o'clock and there was Kate and I'd taken her to school that morning. She was working the drive-thru.

She was working the drive-thru. At least she was working. She could have been doing way worse. And I just looked at her and I couldn't speak and eventually I said, I will talk to you when you get home and I didn't get my fillet of fish. I thought you were going to say, I will get one fillet of fish burger, please. Yeah, and I will not be paying for it.

Yeah. You should have for sure. So she was quite strong-willed. And she was the naughty one. Yeah, she was a bit naughty. The boys were not. I love how this has just become like a trash system. What else did she do wrong as well?

She never paid you back that $200 that she owed you as well, did she? And like having four boys, a lot of testosterone in the house. And them getting into their teenage years, Matt was obviously a bit younger than the older, you had an older one, oldest boy. Can I just say this question was asked so many times by the perverts of this country. What's wrong with you people?

There was obviously some masturbating happening in the house with all these boys. Was there? No, I don't think so. How many times or if any did you walk in on our young Matthew here? I would say pulling the skin back but he didn't have any on there. Now, I actually not as often as you would think. Not as often?

Or do you just suspect it? No, there was a time and the name will, I will not reveal the name. Of who? Let's say it wasn't Matt and we just moved into a house and we hadn't yet put curtains up and it was morning and I just happened to be outside passing the window and I looked across. Okay, someone's having a good time. I shall just walk on by.

That's the only time. Did I see you? It wasn't you. Oh, wow. Okay. But what I did find. Are we protecting that? It was Kate again.

God, she's a nightmare. But I do remember when we were leaving that house And unpacking and I had to dismantle your bed There were a number of condoms underneath Oh Still in the wrapper? No They had been used

You jerking off with a condom on I was getting busy Were you? I was wearing protection Yeah, that's very true. That wasn't. Let's not mention any names. Okay.

I thought there was one time, though, in the Kenmore house. There was one time. Did you have any crusty towels? No, I never used a towel. No, no. I think. Not that I'm aware of. I always thought I was found out.

There was one night. Bedrooms were upstairs, downstairs was like a computer room, and then there was like a toilet in like the rumpus area. And you must have woken up and seen the light was on downstairs late at night. So you came downstairs. I was in the bathroom, and I'm pretty sure I was doing my thing. I'm pretty sure you opened the door.

Do you remember this? No. And it was a I'm pretty sure you opened the door. You remember this? No. And it was a split second and you shut the door and then you just said, turn the light off when you're finished. Do you remember that? Oh, my God. Maybe it was Kate. I don't remember that.

Okay, great. I always thought I was found out. So we don't. But I did find out one more thing. It was ECCA day and we always went to ECCA. For those of you who don't know ECCA, it's kind of like the East Show of Brisbane. So your older brother didn't want to go this year and I thought, okay, that's all right, you can stay at home. Then we got a telephone bill at that time and there were all these bills

to some remote island in the Pacific. And they were hugely expensive. It was laundering money. And I thought, this is ridiculous. We don't know anybody who lives on an island in the Pacific. I'm going to call Telstra. So I called them up and I said, I'm looking at the telephone bill. It's extraordinary. And it went on and on.

And this poor girl was like, yep, yep, yep. Trying to explain it. And she said, I have to say that this does often happen and it is a porn site. I wonder how many phone calls Telstra got that time. Yeah. In that time when that was so big because obviously now it's all online. Yeah.

They must have just been like rubbing their hands together. As soon as people said the pacific they're like well that's porn the porn capital and then bless her she did say she said look in their defense once you go into that site every time you try to get out it takes you deeper in it's very difficult to get out that's what they tell me yeah that's what they say i tried yeah it's funny that because it opens up three four five tabs ten tabs just all of a sudden it's like oh and then we looked at the dates that we were it was when when adam wasn't the one that he was having his own brisbane show what would you say was the dumbest thing I ever did as a youngster? It wasn't.

It was a pure accident. But Matt, it was his birthday, we had an outside slide, and right in the last five minutes he ran and fell back and banged his head. We're playing Spotlight, Ash, just so you know. And people were about to leave and Matt kept saying, is this my party? You knocked yourself out. I went, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's your party.

Why are people here? Kept repeating it and I thought, there's something wrong here. So we took him to hospital and he had concussion. So we took him to hospital and he had concussion. But you didn't get into too many unfortunate situations like that, did you? That was the biggie. No, I was pretty, I mean, even I look back and I, me and my mate Smalley. Smalsey.

Smalsey. In high school, we were like, oh, we want to go to Europe. As soon as we finished high school. And we'd been like saving up. Like whilst we had jobs, part-time jobs, all through year 11 and 12. As soon as school finished, we went to Europe. So we were 17. Wow.

That's when we finished school. Me and Smallsy waved goodbye and we went to Europe when we were 17. And I have no idea. I must have been just so exhausted. One is going, bye, love you, but love to see you go. Having like five kids, and people always talk about like when they start to grow up, you start to just worry about what they're doing. Did you worry about them much, or were you so confident? No, oh no.

I think worry is a natural part of parenting yeah worry is to some extent healthy it makes you hyper vigilant and and when you hear things that have happened to others even though it's scary but it makes you more aware and that's i think normal but then for a lot of people including me there was a period where this worrying aspect became unhealthy yeah it was short-lived but i remember just getting anxious if anybody would take them in the car how old were we at this point? You would have been sort of six. Right. You only had three then. And I didn't want you to stay over at people's houses. Did something happen to start that process?

No, I was just very aware that I was really getting super anxious. I was aware of it and was quite scared about it. Almost wanted to keep you in a wardrobe so you didn't get hurt because you'd hear things on tv and it's horrific yeah and you just try to imagine what if something happened and knowing that you i'd never be able to cope anyway it was interesting that at that time when we we used to read Sunday newspapers, and there was a magazine, and it was a story about an environmentalist, a very passionate man, who travelled the world, speaking at conferences,

going to governments, trying to remove pesticides from the food chain. Very passionate man. And he dropped dead at 42. And the whole article, it's now a syndrome what happened in that what he worried about didn't kill him. The worry killed him, caused so much stress in his life. And that was like an epiphany to me when I read this. It was almost as if it was sent to me. And at that moment, it was, you know, you have so little control what the universe has

for you in the future. And you've got to kind of give it up. You don't want anything to happen, but you've got to just let it go and let them have their own lives and enjoy each day. does it get easier as we get older is it out of sight out of mind it does get easier I was a little worried you're going to Europe but you had family to go to but on the converse of that and this sounds a bit corny but Bette Midler's song the rose there's a's a line in that, and I really held on to that. Those who are afraid to die never learn to live.

And I thought, yeah, do I want my kids to live? Do I want them to experience all these things? And, yes, there's danger involved. But, yes, I do want that for them. So then you have to just relinquish and say they have their own pathway and you just have to hope and pray that you'll be it's really good advice because you're right what traits then did you want to try and instill into us as kids everybody is born with this individual genetic mix you know you've got those genes,

but they're mixed together differently. I suppose you hope that you will be kind individuals. But one thing that now, when I see you all as adults, I know that you champion the underdog. You all do that. That's why I'm with Ash. Thanks. I'm with Ash. Thanks. I'm an alpha mate, all right. There's been a lot of, on the news lately, of citizens arrest,

you know, people stepping in because of the crime. And I, as much as you don't want to put your child in danger, but I know that all of you, including Kate, if you pass somebody in need, i know that all of you including kate if you pass somebody in need i know that you would render assistance and that's what i would hope that you would never and i don't have to hope because i know that's what you would do and you did it once do you remember on the beach i just want to say that i didn't ask my mom to tell these stories she's doing off her own bank please continue please pop me up go but do you remember on the beach there was a man that was attacking somebody and you hero well look we were at byron and classy aggressive b we had an afternoon flight and we had a couple of hours to kill where we'd already checked out.

We went to the main pub in Byron. Oh, yeah, top pub. And there's a little park in front of it. Yeah, another one. So we had lunch there. Kids were on the swing. And we kind of noticed in the car park there were these kids who were like really rowdy.

Was this recently? Maybe like a couple of years ago. So you had Marley. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Marley. I don't think Lola was around then. And we kind of – you could hear these kids like, you know, music blurring in the car park.

And they're kind of getting rowdier and rowdier. And they sounded like they're having a few arguments amongst each other. And then as we were like literally in the park, this one of the kids came across and was like swearing at himself and yelling. And he was like, fucking hell. And then this lovely elderly couple were kind of like almost power walking in active wear along the footpath and he just like beeline for them and fly kicked what yeah and then there's a lovely family there's a Fijian dad and he was like solid and when that happened we kind of looked at each other and just gave each other a nod and we just started running he was like let's go white boy yeah he was looking at me he's like don't you don't need to i've got this covered and i was

like just come to even it out i'm coming with you he just picked me up and ran with me used you as a weapon and we tackled this guy and like pinned it down and there's a statue of me in byron bay oh is that what that is? It's a very big deal. Police came in like two seconds. Wow. And, mate, just, you know. You're just a hero of the citizens. You had to drag your mum in on the podcast just so that you could get that story in.

Ellie, thanks for coming today. Thanks for setting him up with that one. Look, it is a good trait to have have yeah and i know it's scary you know you don't want them to step in and get harmed but i don't think i'm a woman an older woman but i if someone if i pass someone in need i'd have to if you ever get fly kicked by a crackhead ellie's gonna come in and save the day now just switching gears a little bit again because that's what i'm best at is there anything growing up like matt growing up that you've caught him out on that you've actually never told him that you've found out about so anything that comes to mind

big question i know because we could discover something here we were pretty much an open book oh fuck mom's got a look in her eye. I know. Mate, there's always going to be something, right? Whether she remembers it now or down the track and she texts me later about what it is. You know, quite honestly, nothing major comes to mind because… I tell you everything anyway.

Yeah, we're very honest with each other. However… Oh, fuck. Here we go. Yes. I don't know whether I should say this. Yes, you However. Oh, fuck, here we go. Yes. I don't know whether I should say this. Yes, you do. No, go, go, go.

But no names, no names. Well, there's one. One of his brothers. Okay, yeah. Who went to Canada and asked me to send his driver's license to Canada for him. And I did that. And I kept checking, has the license arrived? Because you're leaving soon. No, no, no, no, no. Hadn't arrived, hadn't arrived. Eventually, he came home.

And a couple of weeks after that, this package arrived, this envelope. And it was quite thick. And I thought, oh, here's his license. And I did something that honestly i never would do i thought it was his license i opened up the envelope and it was a birthday card and i opened which is weird no one's having a birthday in this household and as i opened the card i saw about 10 little pouches of white powder. So I... Drug mule. I closed the envelope, I closed the card, put it back in the envelope, put it on the hall stand and didn't know what to do with it and thought, crazy, there could be police just hovering outside the door.

So you've discovered that someone in the house is essentially smuggling drugs into the house. Yeah. And it came home, the house was spotless, nine bags were remaining. And did you just not say anything? No. We're really incriminating this guy. I can't,

you can't mention it. Anyway, he, I didn't know, honestly, I did not know how to handle that. Is it the Johnson family or the Chappelle Corby family? So I just left it on the hall stand.

Obviously it had been opened to see what i the reaction would be down the toilet or anything do you leave it there to see what the reaction would be once yeah yeah so that it will remain nameless yeah and he was very apologetic and he was shocked that i'd found out. And it had come from Canada? Wow. It's much cheaper in Canada. Did you know that? Okay, so he was on the way home from Canada. He thought, I'm going to get some scent home.

No, no, no. This was scent, he said, by a friend. Oh, okay. Right, right, right. It's too expensive. Well, there you go. Did you know that? Yes, I did.

You did know that. Yes, I taught him how to do it. Just to confirm, it wasn't Matt for those. Yeah. We have this segment called Lies where we actively admit to lying to our kids and so does the listeners they send in. Are there any lies that you remember telling Matt growing up? Like any parenting lies? No, not with Matt, but there was one with kate does kate know this lie is like it's

a lie or oh she probably know now oh but you didn't actively say you remember i should say that it was a lie okay great i haven't actively gone back to her and said hey you know that question you asked is it about a dead pet oh no it's much worse than that okay please continue you don't want to hear this yes we do kate was about 14 just getting to know about sex and explaining to her trying to be honest she was taking it all in and there was this book that we were going through together and she thought for a while and said, Mum, have you ever had oral sex? Oh, my dear goodness me. And at that moment, everything, be honest with your children.

And I looked at her and I said, no, darling. See, Mum is actually a cock monster. and I said, no, darling. See, mum is actually a cock monster. I can't see that could go to air because Kate would disown me. Kate, I hate to break it to you, but your mum has had oral sex before. Kate right now listening to the podcast in the car being like, no! There was another funny anecdote. We were in Wales visiting my mother, their grandmother, small bathroom.

We were all in the bathroom together and Kate went to the toilet and Adam looked and he said, where's Kate's penis? And I said, well, she doesn't have a penis and he said oh well what does she have he was about seven and I thought for a split second what shall I know I will call it what it is so I said she has a vagina and he looked and he nodded and went, oh, didn't repeat the word. That afternoon, off we went to the local park, absolutely full of picnickers. And these three teenage girls befriended us and they played with you and they were great. Then the time came for them to leave. And I said, say, say goodbye to the girls. And one of the girls was called Virginia.

of the girls and one of the girls was called virginia so adam then his loudest voice saying see ya vagina and you could you could feel every all these picnickers with little children going oh my god that's one of those things where it's like just the kid just doesn't know and it was that was honesty that did not pay i don't know if there's an answer to this question so if there's not it's totally fine and i'm going to put you on the spot here when you look back at the years of parenting with all of us maybe it's just me are there any mistakes that you made? Do you know, I think parenting is honestly the hardest job you will ever do. There are no guidelines because each child is so different. So if you feel you have got through parenting

without making mistakes, you are delusional. We will make mistakes hopefully some on the smaller side rather than but yes i've made mistakes and i don't have to go into exactly what they were but something was sent to me that was one particular thing that i have regretted and it was getting to me. And there's a Buddhist saying that when you make a mistake, it is a life lesson, not a life sentence. Unless it's murder. Yes, or drug trafficking. No, I agree. You know what I'm trying to say?

Some of us have the potential to relive that moment, to beat ourselves up over it. And when I saw that, I thought, yeah, it's not a life sentence. You've got to learn from it and then move on. And as we all know, as the whole nation knows, Matt was the bachelor. Oh, was he? Yeah. He was also on the bachelorette

but we'll skip that part because i don't want to see him cry again um i'm sorry what were your initial thoughts not every mum can say my you know my son was on reality tv what was your initial thoughts on that okay when i remember distinctly the conversation found me and he said applied for this and there's auditions and i was not a fan of reality television and i remember saying you really really want to do this he said yeah yeah it'll be a bit of fun yeah i'm in between jobs and i went oh okay and then a little while later you must have told kate and kate and i were both saying what the hell is he doing but no it went you know it obviously went well you've got two kids well i mean if you if i'd been asked to place money on a bed i I would have thought, no, this isn't going to work.

And that's probably been the biggest shock. That it worked. Yeah, but it didn't just work. It brought two people together who should be together. And Laura is my daughter, my second daughter. And the weird thing is, it was weird going to Thailand, never having met two girls, Elise and Laura, I had to interview. That should have been super weird, shouldn't it?

Yeah, that's so weird. I couldn't do it. These girls who are vying for Matt's attention. Try not to tell them about the sick skin that he has as a child. But they were, both of those girls were lovely. But when Laura and I sat down, and it sounds corny, but it was as if I'd known her for years. It was the most beautiful thing.

Imagine if you chose the other one after that well yeah yeah yeah that might have or did the honey badger and just took off yeah yeah you and laura do have a really great relationship and i do and i feel bad for other people out there who don't have great relationships with their mother-in-laws but would you have any advice for maybe if there's any women out there who will down the line become a mother-in-law, how can they have a good relationship with their child's partner? Wow, that's an impossible question because there are so many layers. First of all, like we all know with friendships, you've just got to gel.

And sometimes you meet them for the first time and there's common interest and it's easy and with your mother-in-law i think the one thing never to criticize her son it would be very easy once you get to know them really well you know you go oh gosh she does no because in her eyes, you're criticizing her. Yes. Yeah, good advice. I'll let open my eyes.

And go easy. I'll let open my eyes so she doesn't say a bad word about me again. Yeah. Try to look at your own little boy or daughter and imagine that one day someone is going to be more important in their lives than you are and how you would feel. I think that's difficult for some mums to accept. And let go a little bit.

Because there's always those cringy things online where it's just like, your mum's your first love. It's like, that's a bit much. Sorry. But you know what I mean. What did you just say then? Just a little bit too much. I think it's maybe easier, maybe, tell me if this is wrong,

when you have five kids, you are happy for them to thrive in that. Oh, my Lord, yes. Yeah, if you've got one boy, if you've got one child, one boy. I've still got three in the wings. All still single? If anyone's looking for a drug mule or whatever. Just reach out to Matt's mum. I think, look, solid advice.

And look, my mum and my wife get on. I get on with my wife's mum. There's no, you know, we're pretty open. Yeah, but you can imagine that there's somehow that just... And you see it, they made a reality TV show about that as well. I remember when I said to my mum, what if I was on Big Brother and my mum straight up said, I'd disown you?

What? That's what came out of her mouth before I even told her that I was through these stages. And I was like, that's fine with me. But, yeah, so you're very accepting of that, which is... But I think you have to support your kid. Yeah, I think once I... Whatever direction, apart from drug meal,

but in every direction they're going, yeah, you've got to support them. I think when I eventually was like, this is where I'm at, she just had to be like, oh, shit, I can't go... What, am I going to go back on my word that I've disowned you? It's like, well, that's your problem. One final question from me. Matt's Crocs. What are your thoughts on Crocs?

Well, I don't wear them. But people can. It's the sort of thing you can either wear or you can't. We know people can. But, you know, they either look silly on you and they look really silly on me because maybe I'm little. But I don't mind them. Let's leave it at that.

But I do want to say one thing. Okay, hang on. Before you get into that, a lot of people actually asked your beauty secrets. Oh, no. Because you're 73. You look amazing. You don't have to tell me twice, Matthew. I'm 71.

Shit. How dare you? You failed. You're 85. You look great. Wow, look at you. 71. Shit. How dare you? You fail. You're 85. You look great. Wow, look at you. 71. I've been telling everyone you're 73.

Apologies. Yeah. Apologies. Yeah, look, that's not on. What is your beauty secrets, Ellie? Look, a little bit of everything. Nice. A little bit.

Except not the sperm on the face. You've heard about that. Not yet. Anyway. Oh, my God. Stop it. Not doing that. Not doing that.

But, look, I find this question just a tad embarrassing, really, because I don't. You just take care of yourself. I do. You know, yeah, I suppose I take care of myself. There's nothing wrong with saying you just take care of yourself i do you know yeah i suppose i take care of myself i still there's nothing wrong with saying that you take care of yourself i take care of myself as you can see i'm actually 55 well how about with marley and lola what traits do you see in them which you think they've gotten from me okay it's still hard when they're this young but i certainly see and i see marley

who physically looks more like you and lola who physically looks more like laura however marley has the artistic bent i mean it's obvious she's very artistic she's obvious. She's very artistic. She's really clever. She's like little Laura. So she's nothing like that. When I met Marley before I met Laura and then so I'd met Marley and how like she's really intelligent and even the way she kind of carries herself and then I met Laura and I went, ah, that's where it comes from. So that's something that is from Laura.

But the other thing I noticed, Matt being the middle child, it was always look at me, look at me, look at me. He's still like that. Look at me. That's why he went into drama and film and television courses and did that. But I'm beginning to see a little bit of that in Marley. I mean, maybe both of them. But Marley, if you start to film her her she will change and she'll really respond yeah i

saw that video of her doing the character singing to you guys with the hairbrush oh she loves a little concert yeah because matt i have to say am i correct in saying matt you're not artistically art-wise creative you don. Wait, you're not perfect? But you are creative in that. I liked to draw when I was younger. I really enjoyed drawing. I don't draw much anymore. But I still like, you know, I love coming up with skit video ideas.

Now, that's where your creative lies. In coming up, you've got a good visual. I'm an ideas man. You're an ideas man. I'm the ideas man. You're an ideas man. I'm the creative director and you're the ideas man. But your natural trait all through has been humour. You have been our entertainment at home. Yeah.

Quick with comebacks, make any situation funny. And I'm thinking that even Lola physically looks like Laura. Yeah, she does. But I think she's going to be the funny one in the family. She's going to be the funny guy. I think Marley is a little more, even though she loves the entertaining, but a little bit more serious. But then they change.

Yeah, I guess Laura and I are so similar in personality types but also in looks as well brother and sister yeah literally people are like are they siblings or are they it's funny like the two girls because the other day when i rang you and like we're both having a shit morning and marley's like the very distinct differences in your two kids marley's like ash like over the front look i can click and she's and all i can hear in the background is Lola going, Ah! And it's like that sums them up sometimes. Lola's a little bit more like crazy what I see. But then Marley's like, every time I've spoken to Marley,

she's like quite knows what she's saying and like really articulate with it. And when she was like, look, I can click. It was just like I was having a conversation with someone, not a four-year-old. She clicks well. Yeah. She's amazing. She's a good clicker. The thing is, someone, not a four-year-old. She clicks well. Yeah. She's amazing. She's a good clicker.

The thing is I've got a four-year-old too. You put those two together and Marley's way ahead of Oscar. And when we thought like Oscar's vocabulary is amazing, but like putting it next to someone like a girl the same age. Yeah. Very different. Yeah. A question that we got, I guess so many of them, they're all about how do you still have a good relationship with your parent as an adult?

And I think it's a really tough one to answer because we've been really fortunate that we've always just been really close. I think obviously you love your child and you love your parent, but then whether or not you like each other and you have a good friendship in addition to having that you know parental love is a different thing and we've always been super fortunate that you know from a really early age like you talk about me not really being too naughty and I wholeheartedly mean this when whenever there was a scenario you know when I did get in trouble or there was a situation where I if I had done a certain thing I could have gotten in a lot of trouble one of the reasons that I didn't do that is because I never wanted to disappoint you more so than like would I actually get in trouble for this it would always be a question of like would this disappoint mum and that's why I think you didn't have to keep us on a really tight leash and then that kind of closeness has just carried on through like you've always been like my confidant like

any situation or advice i've always like gone off better ask mom's opinion like even with bachelor you're the first person that i called up yeah that's nice that you feel that my opinion is valid but i do think few people have asked you know how to how do you get close to your children and again there's so many layers one layer is luck that you just click the other layer is time that you make sure that you give a huge amount of time to your children that you always try to be there when they need you. And that maybe leads on to the issue of another partner in your life. And I see that a lot in friends who've introduced a partner. That is a rocky road. Whether you are blending family with young children, with teenagers, and even adults, it's very hard to make everybody happy when there's a new individual. It's very, very difficult. And I've come to,

I say to people when they're having difficulty with stepchildren who are adults, and when you introduce another person into the family, you've got to imagine that your 31 year old kid is actually 10 years old because that's how they're feeling when you bring a new person into the family area it's very very different dynamic doesn't it the energy you need to look after kids to go to work and then to try to find a partner that's very hard and i'm i feel very fortunate that i didn't feel that need and it sounds a little bit oh you know i sacrificed myself to my children i don't see it that way some people might yeah but i really took joy in giving my time to you and to my job i think think that's helped us. Do you think, Matt?

Yeah, yeah, I do. You know, and I don't regret it because my greatest achievement in my life, if I had been the first female astronaut to land on the moon, I can tell you now that my biggest achievement in life has been my children and grandchildren and i know it's hard people out there will say yes but i deserve a life too and i get that so it's a tricky one but i just feel grateful that i didn't have that need yeah but i do remember matt once saying to me but aren't there times when you really want a big fat cock and that's a really really good place and your answer to that question was

heck yeah you know what the answer was how do you know i'm not getting some oh shit okay well look i super excited to have you on the podcast and thank you so much and answering our questions especially the foreskin questions it would be remiss of me not to take the opportunity to say thank you as a son because i think you talk about luck and you talk about how fortunate you are to you know be given the children that you've been gifted but at the same time I'm so insanely lucky that I've been given you as a as a parent I'm probably going to cry when I talk about this sorry Ash can leave the room no but I just want to say you know I mean the reason why I am who I am today is because of you know what you have given me and what you've encouraged me to take on, and the paths I've travelled.

So I'm only sitting here because of what I feel you have given me, and how you have parented me. So you've done such an amazing job. I love you very much. I love you too. Wow, this is very sweet. I feel like I'm third wheeling. But Matthew, thank you for being very vulnerable in that moment.

I'm not rolling my eyes at you at all. Well, Ellie, thank you so much for jumping on the podcast and putting up with Ash and myself for this. God, you did a great job. I won't charge too much. No, good. You can invoice me, that's fine. It'll be in the mail, I'm sure. Normally at the end, we ask people to review, subscribe,

leave a number of stars. If you'd like to, you can encourage them to do the same. Don't forget to review and subscribe very good yes if you've liked this episode as ellie said don't forget to review and subscribe also follow us on instagram maybe we'll get one of my parents on sometime in the near future i hope not maybe dad i don't think mom would be okay but anyway thank you again and thank you everyone for listening that's all we've got time for bye two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout

australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.