Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Who's your favourite... Mum or Dad?

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

Matt's had a tough week after his kids have decided he's a dick and they prefer Laura as their favourite parent. The only member of the family who still loves him is his three-legged dog Buster, who suffers from erection problems. Ash is also having a tricky time with his kids because Oscar is being a massive stinge with toys. Remember kids.... sharing is caring. Also, what would you do if an incredibly rude passenger on your flight left something valuable in their seat as they disembarked? More specifically, what do you think Ash would do?  We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: How did your partner's tell you they were pregnant and what was your reaction like? How do you keep your relationships post kids? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You'll have to excuse my nasal-ness. What's happened? Just been sick early this week. At first I had like tap nose and then yesterday I was okay, I had a surf and stuff. Great. And I was like, oh, I'm still a little bit. I woke up this morning, I'm like, fuck, I'm so stuffy. So I've been like Zyrtec, Telfast.

I'm hopped up, man. Nothing's working? Nah, nah. And like usually I'd use Vicks. Didn't have any Vicks. Been using the like the child, the Yugi Bear man. Nothing's working? No, no. And like usually I'd use Vicks. Didn't have any Vicks. Been using the like the child, the Yuki Bear one. What's that? It's kind of like a softer version of Vicks.

Pussy. I don't have any Vicks in the house. You got a pharmacy, no? Well, I could always do that. But it's use what's here. Yeah, anyways. What I would do is I'd usually put like a little bit on the inside of my nose to try and clear. It's a bit burny.

And what I did was I didn't realize I had a little bit extra on the end of my fingernail and i did a little sniffle and a goop of that yuki bear stuff went straight up into my brain and have you seen that meme of the cat and they're like i was like that just rapid fire rapid fire sneezing straight to my brain. And afterwards, because I had sneezed so much, the inside of my nose has inflated and just shut closed. It's fucked. I thought you were going to tell me that it like cleared you up, so now you're just doing rails of this yuki stuff.

Yeah, I'm just like. Give me some. I didn't see it on the end of my finger. And it literally hit the back of my head quick as anything. And I was like. And before I actually did that sneeze thing, I was like, oh, no. This is not going to be good. It's like when you've got an itchy inner ear and you're like,

how do I scratch this? And you're like. It's like when you've got an itchy inner ear and you're like, how do I scratch this? And you're like. Ash is coughing up fur balls. Anyway. You sound quite cute.

I sound like a cute little boy. I want to give you a cuddle. After. Yeah. welcome back to two doting dads i'm maddie j and i'm ash this nasally ash it's a nicer version of ash well you were like had you got this like sexy husk and i ended up with this nasally ash. It's a nicer version of ash. Well, you got this sexy husk, and I ended up with this nasally little annoying kid. It's like, oh, can you please wipe my nose? You're like, hey, ladies, I'm Matty J. If you need any toilet breaks, mate, just let me know,

and I'll take you upstairs. Thank you. This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And as always, zero advice will be given. Well, we don't know. We always say that and then somehow we...

Offer a peppering of something. It's not advice. It's just like what we've done in that situation. But if you are here for advice... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're drinking something a little bit different today, Ash. We are because you're doing Dry July. Well, I'm doing a version.

A Matty J version. And I'll explain why a little bit later. But, yeah, I will be doing the tail end of the month will be a Dry July for me. So, yeah, I'm not going to do it. It's a sprinkling of July. Four weeks is a long time. It is a long time to- And I'm very much a believer in moderation.

Absolutely. I think that's- So, three weeks is better than none. Yeah. So, it's two weeks. And of course, because you're going on your honeymoon, right? I will. You can't have a dry honeymoon.

You don't want to get into that. So, I'll go into the honeymoon in a second. But for now, we're going to have a better beer. Zero alcohol. Well, I'll go into the honeymoon in a second, but for now, we're going to have a better beer. Zero alcohol. Well, I'm going to have one. Cheers. Cheers. That tastes like a normal beer.

It does, actually. It's hard for me at the moment to taste because I can't smell anything. But that's all right. It's pretty good. I don't know how- It's refreshing, actually. How the fuck do they make beer with no alcohol in it? They just write on the side of it that there's no...

Placebo. But yeah, it's actually... It tastes like the normal Better Beer. I love how, have you noticed, on the top of the can it says morning for it? Ah. Clever. Whoever's doing the copywriting at Better Beer, give him a raise. Yeah, yeah.

Or her. Thank you, Better Beer, for having us. So, yeah, I will be, well, by the time this podcast comes out, Ash, I will be. Island life, baby. In Fiji. Nice. With a coconut in hand. And you're taking the kids too.

Yes. Yes. Is that stupid? Probably. Yeah. Wasted. Take me instead. Sorry, Marley.

I'll be your kid. At the airport. Laura's just like, um. He's goingasted. Take me instead. Sorry, Marley. I'll be your kid. At the airport. Laura's just like, um. He's going to sit on my lap. Yeah, look, I got the guilts about taking them with us. I just know, and I say this now. They're at an age now where they'll have a lot of fun. They'll have a lot of fun.

And, dude, Marley is pumped. We've got this, you know, four nights, three nights, we're counting down to Fiji and she goes to daycare. Daycare was great and they do, like, hello and goodbye in different languages and then I pick Marley up and she's like, Dad, bula. And I'm like, oh, well, that's bloody adorable. Yeah, it's like, don't be one of those white people

in a different country trying to say the language. Yeah, yeah. How embarrassing. It's like April does that. I went to Fiji with April's mum and she was like, Bulla. I was like, oh, fuck's sake. When I went to Japan, I was like, I'm not here long enough to try.

So I was like, G'day. How you going? Are you one of those people who still speaks in like slang when you're overseas? Yeah. No worries, mate. Yeah. I'll see you, Sarvo. I'll see you, Sarvo.

Yeah, see you, Sarvo. And they're like, Sarvo? Yeah. Where are you? But anyway, sorry, entrusted you going on your honeymoon. And congratulations. I mean, you got married. November last year.

And I mean, that's what happens when you have children, I suppose. Thank you for reminding me. We did things a little bit backwards. We were going to get married before Lola came out, Thank you for reminding me. We did things a little bit backwards. We were going to get married before Lola came out, but then COVID came and we thought, hey, what should we do? We'll get pregnant again. We'll just get fucking again. We even thought, like, do we even have it?

It's one of those honeymoons, I guess. Can we help you? Oh, April, come and say hi. April, hi. Come and say hi. Come on over. I've got to go. I'm getting my hair done.

Sorry. Getting your hair done. Go and sort that regrowth out, yeah? Isn't she a darling? Oh, no. She puts up with me. Sorry, babe. Did not want to be on the podcast at all.

I know. She was like scurrying out of it. Didn't want to be seen by Maddie J. She was like, oh, my God, Maddie J is in my house. Anyway, you're getting back to that you did things backwards, but the Australian public begs to differ, Matthew, because as we all know, you all found love on our screens. It was just a commitment ring at that point,

which that's why I don't watch The Bachelor anymore. I want to see full weddings. I'm getting a husk. Your nasal just went. Just went, this guy needs to sound sexy. So, yeah, you did things backwards and you're going to leave me for a whole week. Going to leave you for a week.

It's a holiday away from me, I think. That's really what I'm going to miss you. No, you won't. No one holiday away from me, I think. That's really what I'm thinking about. I'm going to miss you. No, you won't. No one's ever missed me. I will. I will. This will be the longest that we've been apart since we started recording the podcast together about 11 weeks, 12 weeks ago.

Yeah, we could do one online. No, it's just for you. No, we'll have a week off. When I come back, I'll give you an update on how the honeymoon went. I'm sure it'll be a fucking disaster for the kids. And we won't miss it. We're not missing an episode. No.

Just so you just heard then, Matty said, we're going to have a week off. We are going to have a week off technically, but we're going to get an episode out the day it's due back. Not that people really care that much. No one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll be like, having a week off.

Thank God. We're saying it like people right now are hyperventilating at home. But where will they be? No one gives a shit. They're like, what? Whoever, I'm sure. What are we going to work out to now? I don't know.

Music like a normal person. Who was that bloke who messaged you about doing his PB? What did he say? His last name was Awkward. Andrew Awkward. Andrew. And we're not making this up. No, we're not making this up.

And thank you for the message. I know I didn't respond, but I did screenshot it and send it to Matthew. Apparently, he set a Strava record, must be in his local area, I don't know, listening to our podcast. How did that work? I do not understand how that's possible. Surely you need, what do you run with a game? What was your playlist?

Hans Zimmer. Hans Zimmer. So, Andrew, if you're listening, give us a break. Straight to Hans Zimmer. Hans Zimmer. What was the- The Pirates of the Caribbean medley. Get it done.

We listened to it last week. Was that crack? I looked over and you're just whipping out glow sticks being like- I was just like, do you know what, Matt? You want to get some emails done? Hans Zimmer. Never seen so much smoke off a keyboard. I do have to be honest though ash and i don't want to bring the mood down here oh fuck at all it's been a tough week for me

uh a bit of a hard week would appreciate it if you did not roll your eyes as i open up and be vulnerable to you on the podcast oh That's very inappropriate of me. Thank you. You can consider it, I would say. What's up, mate? What's happened? Well, I'm glad you asked. Thank you very much.

It's okay. My kids fucking hate me. Oh, yeah. We already knew that. That shambles of a birthday party you threw them. I don't blame them. Why do your kids hate you, Matthew? Look, they don't blame them. No, why do your kids hate you, Matthew? Look, they don't hate you.

No, they do. They do. Like literally. Do they not? Okay, go. They don't want a fucking bar of me at all. What have you done? Nothing.

Dude, I'm delivering the goods. The issue is Laura's now back in the picture. From Exile Island. Yeah, yeah. She's back in the picture and the kids are like that's right we have a mom you're a better parent than he is because laura was you know we talked about the fact that she was away a lot and training blah blah blah blah and so i was just you know as default i became the favorite parent yeah for the very first time one parent favorite parent

it's like if you do a one horse race. Yes. You won that race. Yeah. I was like the Stephen Bradbury of parenting. No, no. Wrong analogy. Because that means there would have been people falling down in front of you.

But that's not. The right analogy is similar. That guy in the Sydney Olympics who swam the race on his own. Eric the Eel? Yeah. Yes. You're our Eric the Eel. You were slow, but you got there in the end.

What an honour. So Laura's back in the mix. I don't know if it's the same with Oscar, but just like everything, I'm talking having breakfast. If I make the toast, both of them are like, we don't want it. We don't want mum to make it. Oscar and I butt heads so much. Do you guys fight?

We're like brothers, yeah. We were talking about, I was talking about this the other day where it's like I don't discipline him really. We just bicker. So, like, I was laying on his bed and he's like, that's my bed. And I was like, no, it's not. Technically, I own this bed. Like, fuck it is.

Yeah, I own this bed. You get to sleep on it it's like no and yeah toddler rationale he doesn't understand the sarcasm he's like he's like no it's my bed and i'm like it's mine and mommy's like yells out like daddy stop being so mean stop antagonizing him so i whispered to him this is my fucking bed. He ran off to mum and be like, he said it really quietly. And I was like, no, I didn't. Then he comes back and I'm like, you're a dobbin on me now, shit.

This is like, I imagine you guys are like stepbrothers of the movie. We hug it out a lot. We're like, Oscar walks past and you're just rubbing your ball sack on his back. What are you going to do about it, pal? This big boy. Yeah, it's a bit like that. But yeah, my kids. They're just off you because mum's back, which is disheartening.

Even brushing their hair. Like if they see me with a brush in hand, like we have like a pink brush, it's like I'm coming at them with a fucking ice pick. Yeah. Like, Mom, no. He doesn't know how to do it properly. It really hurts your feelings. And, dude, I brush it better than Laura.

Laura's there ripping hairs out and I'm so gentle and delicate. You should do the start counting. Go, I count how many times, 101. Yeah. I try everything. I don't want to barb it. The only time it's kind of working in my favor is in the middle of the night. Lola will occasionally wake up still and she'll be crying and she'll just go like, Mom, Mom.

I'd say, hey, I'd go and get her. Get the fuck out of bed. She wants you. And I've gone in there before. This is at like 2 in the morning and she's like she's screaming and she wants to cuddle and then she stops and she looks at me like squinting because it's still very dark and she's like, not you. I just see you walking in there with a wig on.

Hello, darling. Just give me some affection. Anything I need. It's like those videos where their dad's feeding the kid a bottle and they've got the iPad with the mum's picture on it. That's you walking into the room with an iPad strapped to your face. This has got Laura's face on it. That's what I need to do because it's cutting me real deep now.

The dynamics change. At the start, I was like, oh, lol, like you're the favourite. And now it's four days in and I can't even touch my kids. It's like they're trying to oust you. They're trying to get me out of the fucking picture. The dynamics change, mate. Get with it. You need to start favouring the dog much more.

No, I don't want him anymore. He's got three legs. See the poor thing? The poor thing. He's got one more leg than each of your children. He hobbles over. And I'm like, won't anyone love me? And he's there like, please, can we just have a cut?

I'm like, not now, buster. He's just sitting there with a big erection. For anyone who doesn't know my dog, he's got like, please, can we just have a cut? I'm like, not now, buster. He's just sitting there with a big erection. For anyone who doesn't know my dog, he's got an erection problem. And he's got three legs. That's what I'm left with, a three-legged dog with a fucking erection problem. I know, he's always got a start on your dog. What's the deal with that? I don't know.

He's like, I see all the other dogs with four legs. Anyway, so that's what I'm dealing with at the moment a bit of a debbie downer yeah but i'll be i'll be fine hey i'll be fine i know you'll be okay and the dynamic will change again it'll change when when i don't know man i'm not an expert i can tell me ash i'll come up with it i'll let you know when i'll have a chat with marley and say look we all know your dad's a loser. Forget it. Yeah. Cut him some slack.

Do you ever, to try and win over Macy or Oscar, do you ever try and like sneak in some chocolate or treats? That's April's. That's what April does. So, yesterday afternoon, Oscar was being a shithead. They're turds. Kids are turds. Okay. I think we've established that kids're turds. Kids are turds. Okay. I think we've established the kids are turds.

Well said, yeah. And he was being a turd to Maisie, being a turd to me, and Mummy's in the fridge secretly eating chocolate. Oscar hears the chocolate wrapping like it's a dog whistle. He's like, what have you got? He's a daycare being like something's just happened. Runs out the road. He runs to the kitchen and I'm like,

don't give him any chocolate, he's been a little shit. How can I get through a sentence like that? And she was like, I'm not, I'm not. I'm like, show me your hands. And he's like, open your mouth. Bit of chocolate in his mouth. I'm like, what? So she's like, here, it's okay.

Okay. Daddy's being mean to you. And I'm not, I, it's okay, okay. Daddy's being mean to you. And I'm not. I'm trying to protect Macy. See, I thought you would be the secret chocolate feeder. Nah, I'm like, no. If I'm drunk. Yeah.

If I'm drunk, I'm like, I love you so much. And I'll also do the thing where it's like if I come home, like if I've been out or whatever and I've had a couple of beers and I come home and I have a shower and I was still awake and he's in our bed like having a cuddle with mum and watching iPad or whatever they're doing, having a sleepover party, I'll be like, go and give me a cuddle and he'll get to sleep in the bed all night with us

because I'm like, go and give me a cuddle. And, like, he'll get to sleep in the bed all night with us because I'm like, come here. But, yeah, look, I'm not the one sneaking him chocolate. We've spoken about April putting chocolate in his lunchbox. Yeah, taking it to daycare. There are cahoots, these two. And I found out that she gives him chocolate every night. I'm like, you. What's your – how often would the kids get treats with you?

Well, I'm drunk every night, so every night. With me, if Oscar's on fire, like the other day, took him down to the shops. We did the big shop. He was a good boy the whole time. Had a play in the park. Ate some lunch. Top behavior.

Kinder Surprise. There you go, big fella. Kinder Surprise. After I've given him the Kinder Surprise, he's a shit for the rest of the day. But the start that kinder surprise real earn situation but like he's just at that age where he's just like testing the boundaries all the time especially when it's like sharing things just doesn't know how to share right he's got like this little sister and we're going through this thing and i was at another kid's party because I didn't want to go to your shit party.

Yeah. I did look at Instagram and I saw you there. Found out. Going down a fucking slide, a kid's slide with a beer in hand. Didn't spill a drop. No, you didn't. You didn't. Glad you were having fun.

I was. Do you know that party was actually organized at an appropriate time out from its actual date on the day before? Not four days out. Sure. Yeah. So we were talking because a lot of those families are, because it's the mother's group.

Shout out to the mother's group. Bunch of pissheads. So all the kids are a similar age. All the kids are in a week of each other in age. And then also the siblings are similar too. We just all got together and we're like, let's have a fucking orgy. So the youngest are all similar ages as well and for anyone is not familiar that's four years old roughly yeah four years old they are and then the youngest are all like between one and a half and

two we're talking about how you know the eldest could be just doing something and the youngest picks up a toy the other side side of the room that is one of the toys of the elder kid. Anyway, so Oscar will be watching TV, watching his favourite show, whatever, could be anything, in a trance watching Sea Beast. And then you've got Macy at the other end of the living space. Who is just a sweetheart, can we just say. Oh, I know. She's gorgeous.

I know. Not to take away from Oscar, he's also a great kid but macy's just she's a sweet soul she's kind of like my grandmother everyone always says oh she's like little olive she is yeah i've not met olive but it's like a little grandmother yeah she's great so she's on the other end of the living room and she's picked up one of oscar's toys oscar's just like hang on a minute and he's taken off like an air marshal across the room. Stormed over. Tackled it out of the ground, like that sort of stuff and like to get the toy off her.

And I'm like, fuck. That's mine. Yeah, and I'm like, mate, she's just going to play with it. Like we try and get the phone timer out, how long she gets to play with it before he gets to play with it. Does he get that? Yeah, yeah, he gets it. But he's like, it's never good enough.

Yeah, that's the hardest thing. You weren't even playing with it, mate. And there's always like we very much, we have that motto of like sharing is caring and it's come from daycare as well. Yeah. But similar scenario where if Lola touches anything, and the kids very much have like shared toys. It's not as if like stuff is Marley's and you kind of forget

whose is whose. Lola touches anything, Marley will race over, pry it out of her hands and be like, sharing is caring. So she's completely turned the whole phrase around to being like. She's like, she's got to fucking share, doesn't she? I'm like, yeah, but you weren't playing with it. She's playing with it. You have to, you know, try to explain it to a four-year-old

and it's just not sinking in. It's not, no. But fuck me, that's the biggest tantrums we're having right now. Even for some ungod, ungod? For some unknown reason. That's better. For some unknown reason. Fuck me.

Get it out. Jesus, go. For some unknown reason. Fuck me. Get it out. Jesus. Go. For some unknown reason. There we go. He's back. He's back on track. One non-alcoholic beer.

Whenever we leave for daycare in the mornings, kids want to have some little like trinket, like a little like bluey doll or like there's a little like- To get them in the car or to get it, you know? I don't know. They want to take their shit to Kingdill all the time. I'm like, guys, it's time to go. And they start like, oh, panicking.

What should I get? It's like us when we're trying to find, make sure you get your keys, your wallet, your phone. They're like, oh, shit. Oscar's like, where's the monster truck? I can't get on with my day. And it's such a nightmare because no matter what Marley grabs, she's like, okay, dad, I'm ready to go.

And then Lola will grab absolutely anything. And then Marley's like, that's the one that I want. I was trying to find that one. Hasn't seen that toy in six months. Yeah. It's so painful. And they get so petty. Yeah.

Like I caught Oscar hiding not his toys but hiding his sister's toys as like a I'll get you back situation. Really petty. It actually reminded me of something, and I know where he gets it from. Like father, like son. Like father, like son. We're back. A petty story from me, Matthew, if you will.

Please entertain me. I'm all ears. A couple of years ago, pre-kids this is, April and i took a lovely it was actually when we found out we were pregnant but we'll get to that another time we're in europe nice little trip in europe we're coming home it was the last flight home and there was a girl sitting in front of me who for the whole you know that flight's like 14 hours oh Oh, it's an absolute baller. But as soon as she got on the plane, she was just an asshole. Like, she was just such an asshole to all of the flight attendants, so, like, impatient, like, the whole bit, whatever.

So, the whole flight was like this. And I was- Wait, sorry, she's sitting in front of you? Just directly in front of me. Right. The seat in front of me, but I could hear, see everything and how fucking rude she was. Only a young girl too

like she wanted to get to the destination first she wanted to be there first that's what it was like we're all in this together and i'm like 14 hours of me listening to this i was like this person sucks anyway so then we land the plane lands and before we even stop moving, she's stood up, right? Before we've even stopped moving, she's getting her bags out of the things. I'm like, this person is unbelievable. Chill. Relax. Anyway, they're saying to her, sit back down.

So, she sits back down with her bags and everything. She's got ready to go. The seatbelt sign turns off. She gets up and everyone in front of her gets up too. The people in front of all old people she's barging these old people out you're kidding over like to get to the front so she can get off this eddie had all emirates fly i can't remember what it was like literally like barging these people through and i was like furious watching Anyway, then people start to exit. Yeah. And then I've got my stuff down and I look over and she's left her iPad. Okay.

On the seat. Oh, gosh. What do you do? What a dilemma. What a dilemma. What do I do? Do I go, give this back? Or do I give it to the attendant?

What do I do here? I've picked it up on the way out. I've walked forward about 30 rows and slipped it into a seat pocket. Of a completely different seat. Anyway, we're getting off the plane. Yeah. And she's standing on the outside of the plane because she's realized what she's left behind. She's got something she can't get back on.

She can't get back on. It's illegal to go back on. Yeah. But also, she sent the flight attendant back to her seat. It's not there. No more iPad back on. Yeah. But also, if she sent the flight attendant back to her seat. It's not there. No more iPad. Wow. Wow.

I mean. That has to be. You conniving, conniving son of a bitch. One of the greatest moments of my life. Do you worry at all about karma? No, fuck karma. Okay. Okay.

That was ages ago, man. But honestly, I think she needed to worry. I was her karma. It was an iPad Pro, beautiful thing. It could easily be one of my kids' iPads now, but no. It's someone else's who luckily gets to sit in that seat 40 rows up and then to fly out of Sydney gets a brand new iPad. I would put money on the fact that you put it on airplane mode

and it's currently upstairs right now in the kids' room. Busted. Anyway, that is my petty story. And now I know why my kids are the way they are. And that's why you have to be nice to people on planes. The swift hand of justice was dealt. Almost immediately. Also, to add to that,

they were also teaching the sharing thing at kindy the other day, which was really good because the story was that one of the kids had a scooter and it's always nice to share which is such a great lesson for them it's obviously not working in our house one of the comments from the kid one of the kids was it's okay me and my sister have a scooter but we can always buy another one all right money bags i was just like sound logic really but also, not everyone can buy another scooter, little Timmy. You privileged c**t. Timmy's wearing a Rolex. Yeah, Timmy's like, it's okay.

My daddy's got a BMW. Fuck you, Timmy. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies. Tell me lies. Very catchy, that tune, I would say. The guy who's singing that got such a comedic voice. You could be, I don't know if they've locked in all the contestants,

Masked Singer? That's a fucking hard one to say. Masked Singer. Would you? Would you? You ever do karaoke? You a karaoke guy? No, actually, I did karaoke once, one of my mid-20s birthdays. My singer. Would you? Would you? You ever do karaoke? You a karaoke guy?

No, I actually did karaoke once, one of my mid-20 birthdays. I feel like you would be very good. I did Beyonce, put a ring on it, got kicked out because afterwards I mic dropped. And you broke the mic. Yeah, they were off it. Get stronger mics. Get better. Let a guy live. Yeah, just get over him, bro bro anyway uh we do have lies we have

some lies we do have a lot and like i wanted to talk before we get into the lies like parents lies i've worked out that i do a lot of tricking it's weird at the moment because obviously like throughout the week i'm thinking about what i'm doing and, you know, I'm like, oh, that could be funny for the podcast. I realize I lie every single day. All the time. It's just, it's really scary. Like, do I ever tell my kids the truth? Probably not. No.

Like, everything is a lie. It's all a lie. Yeah. What have you picked up? It's like this. It's like, dinner's yummy. Fucking lie. Yeah.

Daddy loves you. Lie. Now, what have you got? What's your lie? My first one is that I've realized that I can lie slash trick Macy into doing just about anything. Go on. So, she was the other day, I was out on the balcony hanging out the laundry like a good dad slash husband. And Macy's out there with me.

It's nice. Sun's out. I've walked back inside. She refused to come inside. And I was like, oh, yeah. What have i got over here oh what's this what have i got over here clearly had nothing like what's this what's this eventually coaxed her inside shut the door i was like yes then i worked out that i do that all the time oh dude i did it yeah she was walking up the stairs and i was like stay stay downstairs oh what's this started like rummaging around on something.

What's this? What's this? What's this? It's just like ears perk up like a dog. And she's like, oh, Mosey's over. And I'm like expecting me to have something. I'm like, eh, gotcha. That was my life.

I've just realized that's what I do as well. I do it all day. I go as far as to say, oh, I've got a present. Yeah. Oh, I've got a tree. Want to see it? what are you want to see what this is it's pretty special and lola's like no i can see it she fights it at first like she's a bit resistant but what if this time he actually does and then i kind of see her like gaslighting her shoulders turn and she like squints and she she's looking inquisitive and then she comes over she's like what is it i'm like it's your dinner now eat it it's broccoli yeah she's like fuck this got me again how annoying but that's what you have to do oh yeah you have to do that oh 100 otherwise i don't

do anything that's why we've got this segment so we can find out new ways to lie do you know just another lie that i might throw in there, a real quick one, if I may. We don't have a bath at the house. The kids have a shower. Yeah, I noticed that. And they hate going in the shower. Like the first couple of seconds or just like to get into the shower is an absolute ball ache. And what I say now to get them into it, I say,

I just can't tell. Is the water too cold or too hot? Can you just put your hand in there and test the water for me? And then. You push them in. Yeah, and then they put their hand in there like, you know, it's okay. And then I'm like, you're in. Shut the door.

He's straight in there. Glass door shut. Happens every night though. I'm like, can anyone, you couldn't Lola just test that water for me for a second, could you please? Yeah, I just want to make sure. Daddy doesn't know how to do it, but you can do it really, really well. So, always awkward when the hot water's not working and it's winter

and I'm like, there you go. It gets cold. I'm like. But lies. Lies, yes. Lies from the parents. From our lovely listeners who also love to lie to their children. I don't know, Ash, if we've told this lie before.

We've done a few ice cream related lies. I feel like ice creams is something that a lot of parents have to deal with. If we've said this one before, I apologize. Ah, fuck them. Okay, cool. This lie is when the ice cream truck has the music blaring, it actually means that the ice creams have run out. Or gone.

That's a classic. That's one of those ones. And I always refer back to the circle of life. Yes. One of those ones that's been passed down from generation to generation. We slightly tweaked it because we were down here at the beach car park and Mr. Whippy, who must be ruining parents' lives on a daily basis. It's very expensive now.

But that's part of his marketing campaign. Just ruining parents. he's turned up and obviously the lie that we've told oscar which is that exact lie doesn't really factor in if there's people lined up and actually physically getting ice cream so what we've very confusing for the kids what we've done is we've we've tweaked the lie a little bit to say oh it's only big boy ice creams now there's none for like little boys the spicy ice cream spicy ice cream just lies are being molded into you it's just like oh yeah look oh there's only the big boys can get ice cream when the sound's going now because

they're out of the little boy ice cream and seem to work one thing that we haven't really delved into is at what point do you start to like come clean on the lies and say everything i told you from the age of two to six is not true absolute lie i don't know well i had a sister i had i had a sister That kept her life From me for 16 years What was that? Once she left The door open On my side of the car

And dad reversed And ripped the door off Oh no I think We've told that story Yeah And 16 years later Eventually it came out That she

Opened the door And just blamed me When I see my mum next I'll be like Yeah I'm gonna ask mum What do you wanna Fucking come clean with now? Yeah mum will probably be like remember that time you walked in i was jerking your dad off yeah that was not your dad that's not your real dad have you noticed that you're

much taller than him no dad sorry kidding love you guys king. What do you got? What else have you got? I've got one that is from a DM that we received. I forgot what his name is. Tom? Fuck, I don't know. Who cares? Sorry. Can you like our listeners just a little bit more? I love them.

I do. I do. What's his name? Who fucking cares? Not important. I know. Tom right now is like, I hope know fingers crossed that i make it on the podcast i was like hey babe listen it's shout out to tom no one fucking cares about you

i think it was tom i don't know again i didn't respond because i the dams is really just i'm not good with that stuff i'm a much better talker than a typer. I like that. Good cover-up. So anyway. Yeah, so it comes from Tom, and the lie is a really clever one, I thought. So we do lie to our kids about how things are broken. This is a little bit different, what he's done. So before his kids can get hold of the iPad or the iPhone to watch YouTube and or Netflix or whatever it is that's on there.

He flicks it really quickly to aeroplane mode. And because it doesn't load, it automatically is already broken. It's a visual lie. I have an issue with this lie. If I can pull it apart for one second, Ash. Absolutely not. We're going to move on from this segment. Don't you reckon, though, that it's almost like I would rather the kids

be on the iPad. Yeah, but you might be trying to get them to go to bed. We don't know the circumstances. Okay. Okay. We'll give Tom, let's call him, the benefit of it. Tom is the Facebook guy. Yeah.

Or is it MySpace? Yeah. I thought it was really good because it's kind of like when I put the sign in front of the claw machine. The broken sign. Yeah, it was. I had backup evidence of the lie. He's like, look, can't you see? It's not working.

How stupid are you? It's not working. Okay. Yeah. I would never not want my kids on the iPad. iPad time is sacred. The best parent. I always say that.

You know, like you meet people and I was like, oh, you know, what were you brought up on in that generation? What were you brought up on? They're like Cocoa Melon, YouTube, YouTube Kids, Reels, Instagram. TikTok. TikTok. Shorts. Marley's just, I'll be watching TikTok and she's like, what's that?

And I'm like, oh, too soon. Daddy's, oh, damn you. Oscar's like, I'll be watching TikTok and she's like, what's that? And I'm like, oh, too soon. Daddy's, ah, daddy. Oscar's like, I want what daddy's got. Sometimes I catch him, he's on shorts. And he's usually watching a sad video of some sad kid who doesn't get to play with a toy and some other kid. It's pretty harmless stuff. Every now and then something comes up and I'm like,

oh, God, that's enough. That's for daddy's eyes. Follow. But yeah, it's the best parent. It's bringing my kids up, which is sad to say. People are going to hate that. No, it's not. No, it's not.

People are too afraid to admit it. Just admit it. There's no one out there that before they had kids that said, oh, I'm not going to let my kids have the iPad. I'm not going to do that. Who's had a go at you? The gypsies. The travellers, those bastards.

Making us all look bad. I'm a good parent. I swear to God, I'm a good parent. Let's move on to the second question. And let's go into questions. Okay. And you've got the questions. Question number one, Ash.

For your first child, how did your partner tell you that they were pregnant and how did you react? I'll go with the back end of that question first. Disappointed? No. We were actually in Europe when we found out. Did we need to say, just in case there are any people who are listening for the very first time, we're joking. We're joking.

We love our kids. We do. We love our kids. We will just say that, just so you're aware, in case you're thinking, love our kids we do other kids we will just say that just so you're aware in case you're thinking do these guys really hate the kids no well like depends on the day and the time yeah i think that covers us yeah i think we're covered we we love them we love we covered continue we're covered we covered yeah okay now that those listeners are gone uh so when we were in europe actually when we found out that we were pregnant and it was kind of like April's late and it was like-

Were you trying? We weren't actively not trying. Yeah. That makes sense. Sure. Yeah. But if it happens, it happens. It happens, it happens and it happened.

And we were in Croatia when we actually confirmed it. And it was like, great, this is great. But also, we're going to Disneyland tomorrow when we go to France. We go to Paris. So, fuck, we didn't get to go on anything. Because you can't go on anything. Yeah, you can't go to- And I wasn't allowed to go because everyone was like,

you can't go if I can't go. So, we made this pact. We've got this pact together now that when Oscar is of age to go to Europe or go to Disneyland, he has to hold all the bags and stand in line on our behalf. And then when he gets to the front of the line, it's like, you, out. Me and April, straight in. Sucker.

Suck on that. Teach you to be conceived. Ruined my first holiday. Did it suck the fact that in Europe, you know, Yeah, suck on that. Teach you to be conceived. Ruined my first holiday. Did it suck the fact that in Europe, you know, having like a hot girl European summer, you can't drink? Was that a bit of a downer?

I was not a massive drinker anyway. Great. I still drank. There's no doubt about that. I'm not pregnant. But yeah, look, it was- Do you remember the moment? Obviously, she kind of- I'm assuming she would have been in the bathroom,

peeing on the stick, came out. Do you remember the moment? Obviously, she kind of, I'm assuming she would have been in the bathroom, peeing on the stick, came out. Do you remember how you reacted? No, it was like literally like so early in the morning. I was definitely asleep when she told me, when she woke me up. Quite rude, wake you up. Yeah, it's not important or anything. But, yeah, I mean, that was Oscar. What about you?

Well. You're hanging there like, ask me, ask me. And that's all time we've got. It's a similar scenario where we weren't really trying, but we weren't not trying. I guess the catalyst for Laura taking the pregnancy test was the fact that I made this very delicious salmon dinner. It was very nice.

It could have been a breakfast dinner. Not important. And Laura was like, I think the salmon. A breakfast dinner? What's that? Maybe it was like a salmon scrambled egg type. Maybe it was. Smoked.

Can't remember. No, not important. Not important. But it was salmon. And it was very good salmon. I bought the good stuff. Very expensive. And Laura was like, I think. Not important. But it was salmon and it was very good salmon. I bought the good stuff, very expensive. And Laura was like, I think this is off. This is not, the salmon's no good.

And I was like, what? Very offended. Yeah. I put blood, sweat and tears into this dish and you're fucking not enjoying it. And I was like, maybe you're pregnant as a bit of a joke. And then went to the pharmacy down the road, pissed on the stick. And I think she just said, I'm pregnant. And I was like, no shit.

And there it is. But at that, like it wasn't, you know when you pee on the stick? No, I don't know when I pee on the stick because I haven't peed on the stick. I peed on the stick. No, they dip it in now. I don't even know. How does it even work? Hang on a second.

Let me just clarify the dipping it in they're dipping it into the toilet bowl not dipping it into their vagina so let's just clear that right i just had this image of someone being like hang on a second let me just jump out i thought they had to like just piss all over it i don't know i had to do the dip makes a lot of sense if it's a dip. Dunk it like an Oreo. But it doesn't really feel real at that point. I feel like, though, I don't know if it's the same for you, Ash,

it's been ingrained into my mind that you don't celebrate anything before 12 weeks. Yeah, a little bit. I felt like when I saw the stick and that, even when I saw, like, from the doctors, when April went and got checked if she was pregnant, like, through a doctor, my reaction to that's like. Yeah, like a piece of paper.

Like, oh, obviously it's great. And I was almost like, what's the reaction I'm supposed to have? Yes. Yeah. You're like, I don't want to celebrate it because also. There's so much that can. Yeah, we're so, so early days. But I think the moment for me where I was like, holy shit,

it really hit home to be like, I'm about to be a a fucking dad was the ultrasound where you hear the heartbeat oh yeah the very first time and you're kind of still seeing a bit of a blob on the screen like it's you can make out the shape of the head but then when you hear the heartbeat and they play it out loud it's like yeah and it made me seasick and that was so funny because every time we went and did the ultrasound and i'd be like i'd be sitting in the seat like grabbing hold of the seat being like taking your nausea tablets yeah literally so it was like the it was i mean the realization of like holy shit i'm gonna have a kid was kind of overtaken by the fact that it was kind of like i was like

had sea legs when i came out of there and they were like you okay i mean that probably contributed to the me passing out in the delivery suite but we'll get to that another day but i know what you mean oh good oh good april's like um ash why are you vomiting yeah why are you she's like, Ash, why are you vomiting? Yeah, why are you? She's like, why are you so squirmy? The one that just squirted some gel on me and rubbing around on my fucking tummy. Like, we're just going to take an internal ultrasound. It's like, oh, you're really going to shove that thing up me? Let's go with question number two. So, the next question is like, how do you maintain the relationship between obviously

mom and dad after having kids you don't really i mean like you do who are we talking about who is she down the track it's obviously a huge change and the relationship side of things is kind of like a non-priority it gets pushed way down the yeah i was saying before it's like having a roommate but you've got kids together yeah a little bit yeah totally totally and you're like you are your these are your jobs at the time these are my jobs at the time to keep the household going but that's not a relationship that's kind of like yes it's like your co-workers so we've only kind of like we kind of came out of that period when lola was i guess like one and a half and she was coming good with a really tough time with lola and it was only when we were kind of getting a head above water that we're like,

oh, that's right. We're in a relationship. Up until that point, it was just- You've been like project managers. Literally, yeah. Like divvying up the jobs. It's that routine of you wake up, you get the kids ready and then you go to work that's stressful you come home kids from daycare kids are screaming like toddlers are hard work we all know that we harp on about it non-stop yeah we got to the point where laura and i were like we haven't had like a date night in a year and you plan the thing is you plan you're like okay so tonight after the kids go to bed we're gonna watch a movie together get a nice dinner and then when

they go to bed you're like oh fuck it let's just go to bed let's go to bed, we're going to watch a movie together, get a nice dinner. And then when they go to bed, you're like, oh, fuck it. Let's just go to bed. Let's go to bed facing opposite ways on a bed. There are so many times where in the morning where you have really good intention and you're like, you have like a kiss and you're like, hey, you know, it's been a while, later on. Later on.

We're going to get freaky. And you're like, oh, yeah. Or even, we're going to have dinner alone. And you're like, oh, I can't wait. And then you get to the afternoon. I can't wait to not talk to you at a dinner table. You're just like, so what are we talking about now? Come nine o'clock.

You're like, I just want to sit on the couch in silence. And if you're not, that's the thing. If the kids aren't there, you're just sitting there talking about the kids. Oh, you do. Laura will bring up photos of the kids and like, isn't she cute? Let's go wake her up. I've got this really devious plan actually that when my kids, because you know how when you talk to older parents of older kids

that they've got and they've had teenagers, like Larry Emder we spoke to, and they're like, yeah, they don't sleep, but then when they get to teenage years, you can't get them out of bed i've got this very very good plan set out i've written it down on my phone it's in the cloud so that when i do get to the iphone 50 at that point i'm just gonna wake my children up at all hours of the night and be like how does it feel how does it feel? How does it feel? How does it feel? Like just turn the light on, scream at them. It's going to be a good one. Try and rock them back to sleep, but really aggressively. I just want to get in the back for what they've done to me.

They deserve every fucking second of that pain. I'm going to shit myself and be like, clean it. Clean it now. If they grow up, right, and they meet a great girl or a great guy, whatever it is, and they're like, mum, dad, come over for dinner. I want you to meet this person. As soon as they've cooked whatever it is they've cooked, I'm going to be like, I don't want it.

I don't like broccoli. And then just throw it on the floor. Pretty much describe what it's going to be like when you have dementia at age like 60 or 70. Yeah, but I'm going to do it at like 40 50 and it's gonna be very deliberate it's gonna be very much like i'm not hungry and like dad you're meeting my girlfriend for the first time i've cooked you your favorite meal it's not my favorite how would you know what my favorite is cut it into squares sitting in the corner of the room behind the couch shitting yourself just pooping

just be like can we clean this up i've done poopers or just like go to the bathroom be like i need a wipe oscar i'm gonna absolutely torture my children what a great episode and on that note oh i do want to say one quick thing ash before we go i know you absolutely hate it when i talk about running i am going to talk about running yeah but i know what you're going to talk about and i've said that i'm going to do it also so there is for anyone in sydney maybe new south wales there is a 10 or a 5k it's a sydney harbour run it's on the 23rd of july all money raised goes to the australian cancer research foundation they do fucking awesome work agreed supporting life-saving research it's so important so this year they're trying to raise i think it's about 90k from the event so i'm going to run i'm doing the 10k

i'm going to try and get some money together and it all goes to cancer research bloody great and i'm going to do it too as of now excuse me i? I'm going to jump in. I'm not racing, but I'm all for donations of monies to prevent people from dying. I'm all about that. Who the fuck are you? So I think that, Matthew, what we should do as a podcast duo. Yes. And I know you're going to win, beat me by a country mile,

so we're not going to do that. Yep. We're just going to raise as much money as we can. Love it. Bloody great. And if I do somehow beat you. Yeah, what's on the. You have to match it.

Great. Okay. Perfect. And after this episode, I'm going to get trained. It's never going to happen. But we look, we're supporting the cause. Good cause, great run. Get involved 23rd of July.

And I think, Ash, we've got to get out of here because we are interviewing a very special guest. Yes. If you're a cricket fan. You're going to love this. You're going to love this. He's also a dad, of course. We're very excited. Do we say who it is?

Nah, fuck them. Yeah, okay, cool. Nah, because they probably would have had the episode by now. Yeah, of course. Who knows when it'll come out? This doesn't make any sense. If you're confused right now, so are we. So are we.

But we've got a guest. It's going to be three doting dads will be back, which is very exciting. And then, of course, we will also be back, even though you're going to be in Fiji. Yeah, after the honeymoon. Because how does that work? I'll tell you how it works.

We record it before he leaves. Exactly. Spoiler alert. You know the drill. Review, subscribe, follow us on Two Doting Dads. Tell a friend. If each of you tell a friend or a stranger, because strangers are friends you haven't met yet, that's great.

There was one person who their comment on Apple Podcasts was, I'm here to support Ash who's unemployed. That's what's at stake here. Love that. That's what's at stake. Even if you don't like listening because you don't find it entertaining, do it to support an individual who needs the help. Just think about this.

I ate butter chicken out of a bin when I was employed. Imagine what I'm willing to do now. Thanks, guys. Add on that. Thank you, guys. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.