Two Hot Takes - 184: Live, Laugh, Live Show..

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi friends. I know, I know I said no new episode this week. Well, no new episode in the traditional sense. If you want more traditional episodes recorded in studio, amazing quality audio, head over to Patreon. There is over five and a half hours of full length bonus content this month with some of the best stories I think we've had recently. I'm still sitting here scarred from the ones I read with Lauren, Justin, and Carrie. Yeah, basically three full bonus episodes this month if you go to Patreon. But let's get back to today.

Starting point is 00:00:34 We're on tour next week. Literally in less than five days, I'll be in San Diego with you guys, partying it up, hearing your takes, hearing all your confessions, all the things you wanna share, which if you're coming to a live show, please fill out the form that's linked

Starting point is 00:00:49 in the episode show notes and YouTube description. Ask a few questions like what's a big regret, what's a secret you wanna share, share as much or as little as you want. But if you do share, there's a chance you can come on stage and give your take with us for a story. I'm pulling people from the form to bring on stage to give your takes. So instead of yelling in your car or at your screen or at the gym or cleaning your house,

Starting point is 00:01:14 you can come on stage and actually be a part of the show. So fill out the Google form and enjoy this episode of content from some of our live shows. We've got Chris Clemens joining for a few stories. We've got some confessions that I never thought would see the light of day. And we've just got our usual chaos with some crowd noise, which is my favorite part of these live shows. Being able to hear your reactions instantly, getting the boos that they're an asshole, getting the cheers that they are not the asshole. Live shows are a totally different experience. We've only got 11 shows on this upcoming tour,

Starting point is 00:01:52 and it might be one of the last tours for quite some time because I gotta start wedding planning. So if you can, be sure to come join us. The link to buy your tickets is also in the description. Hope to see you there and enjoy the episode. Let's dive in. The link to buy your tickets is also in the description. Hope to see you there and enjoy the episode. Let's dive in. This first story is coming from our New York live show at Gramercy Theatre.

Starting point is 00:02:21 It features Chris Clemens as our guest co-host. So this first one Lauren actually found and I have no idea what we're getting into. I don't even know which one it is. And that makes two of us. It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Reporting My Husband Kink to the police. Oh, oh, oh. Why did you put my name behind this one? I'm clicking read more. I made an alt because I'm honestly concerned and I don't want him to know about this. So my husband has been getting very strange slash creepy in the bedroom.

Starting point is 00:03:05 No. No. No. No. I told him it makes me very uncomfortable, but I went along with it for a short period of time because he said it's the only thing that can get him off now. No. This is, yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:24 Every day I'm embarrassed to be a man. I love how everyone's saying leave him and we don't know what it is yet. She told the cops it's gotta be bad. But I just couldn't continue with it anymore and it's making me fear for my life. His kink is essentially to have me pretend to be dead and lifeless. Oh no. I'm out. No, dude.

Starting point is 00:03:56 Like, I'm out. Like, honestly, the only thing worse than necrophilia is having a live person pretend like that's insane Is it he was like maybe my cake is play dead No, they were just dead. I think Like I was another one and he was like there's another action Oh he drugged, you're so right. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.

Starting point is 00:04:28 Okay, too much serial killer. Ah, scary. Full body chills. I just couldn't, oh, wrong line. He didn't start this until recently, and it makes me worry about his mental state. He's also been getting a lot more angry and aggressive with me lately. I reported

Starting point is 00:04:49 him to the police so he could get mental health help and so they could talk to him. He told me because I reported him I'm going to regret it. I don't even feel safe being in the same house as him anymore because ever since I reported him, he has been giving me this chilling stare. And I'm considering calling the police again to get him out. I have never wanted an update for a story so badly just to know that they're alive. Yeah. Like it's like not even funny. There are a lot of other concerning things

Starting point is 00:05:31 he's been doing lately but I don't want to make this post too long so that's the overall point here. Am I the asshole for reporting his kink? No, I honestly this is a situation where you leave in the middle of the night. We know goodbyes Change your name, change your hair This is the scariest shit ever Yeah And do you know how, oh sorry No you go ahead, you got it, you got it babe

Starting point is 00:05:58 No I just think like can you imagine being like how bad it was that you're questioning if you're wrong That's like the part that's tripping me out Yeah Imagine being like how bad it was that you're questioning if you're wrong. That's like the part that's tripping me out. I'm sitting here like I'm one, I'm panicked because of the story and two, I didn't find this one. So I'm like, is there an update? Oh, Lauren, what did you do to us? I don't know, I'm sorry. I didn't even think you'd read this one.

Starting point is 00:06:28 Surprise. Carrie was like, sent it to you for shits and gigs. Carrie, our amazing assistant that keeps this whole tour running, put it in here. And thank god she did, because it is juicy. But what? Check the backyard? Oh. Top comment. Being an asshole is irrelevant here. Leave now. Yeah. Collect your documents, ID, birth certificate, passport, etc. And any money that you have and go to a safe location. If you have a friend that lives at an address unknown to your husband, go there.

Starting point is 00:07:12 Otherwise, a hotel on a credit card he doesn't have access to. If he has access to all of your finances, go to a women's shelter. Block him on all platforms. If you have location services shared, end it. Get a cheap new phone and throw away the old one far away from where you're staying. Do not respond to him no matter what. From experience, police cannot help you much in these situations, but still report anything he does so that you can build a case to use later if needed

Starting point is 00:07:46 I'm very very sorry. This is happening I'm on Opie's account. There is one comment no update Opie says thank you guys so much for the support. It really means a lot to me. I'll just say, I would leave right now, believe me. I just have a few problems. I don't really have anywhere in my town that I can go because most of my family and friends live out of town or out of state. Time to go there. Go there. We're going out of state. Yeah. Like let's Go there. We're going out of state.

Starting point is 00:08:25 Yeah. Like let's, we're going on a road trip, girl. Also, our neighbors live miles out and we live in a really rural area. Oh God. I am kind of ashamed to say the least, but I am also financially dependent on upon him So a hotel isn't an option right now. I don't have any money of my own unless he gives me an allowance

Starting point is 00:08:57 That is the first red flag that's the way he wanted it since we first got married No, I That's the way he wanted it since we first got married. No. I do have a degree, but I haven't used it. I have to plan out some sort of exit, like some suggested. Thank you again. God bless you all. This is literally a script to just the worst horror film I've ever seen.

Starting point is 00:09:24 Okay, well, thank you. Someone asked how long ago it was, literally a script to just the worst horror film I've ever seen. Okay, well, thank you. Someone asked how long ago it was, and I just looked at the account. This was all posted four months ago, and we don't have an update. Don't worry, I'm literally going to get on the chat right now and send a message. Thank God I'm connected to the wifi. I know, like, no, I will literally send her a fucking Visa card. No, literally, I'm like, let's drop the GoFundMe. We all march at dawn.

Starting point is 00:09:54 He can't take us all on. What should we say? Hi there, checking in to see if you're okay. Alive. Happy to mail you some sort of, do you call what do you know but what do you call those little- Visa gift card or something? Yeah okay yeah I mean fuck I'll pick her up I'll let go fly and get her and like well this is like an actual emergency it feels. No this is dire. I feel fuck is this? I feel like complicit somehow. I'm like, uh... You're just gonna have to go to the rescue!

Starting point is 00:10:26 No, that never should be said. Jesus Christ. No! I will get in a Sprinter van with your ass. The world has gotten to the point where Chris comes to the rescue. I can't believe I'm saying this. I wish we were in LA to have some sage. Some bitch would have it. This is crazy. Honestly, Chris in a cape though, I it's I can envision. Yeah. Yeah It's like blowing Picture it. I mean I can honestly see you in that situation

Starting point is 00:10:53 I'm not not to make light of it But if you were there picking her up and she's coming out, oh, I forgot something in your house You'd be like get in the fucking car. I don't care what it is be flipping out. If it's an original Picasso, I'll find another one. Like, get the fuck outta here, bitch. That is just so scary. Okay, well, message has been sent. Everyone in this room, put a little prayer, good juju, good vibes, whatever you believe in, up.

Starting point is 00:11:23 Can I smoke? And let's hope we hear back. I feel bad for picking this up, good juju, good vibes, whatever you believe in, up. Can I smoke? Let's hope we hear back. I feel bad for picking this up, but then again, so many of you guys have told me that you listened to all those murder podcasts, so I'm like, this can't be that bad, right? Let's just all pray. Let's just pray about that. Amen. Yeah, I've never been so willing to join a prayer circle. I'm like, let's fucking go God. No, like everyone hold hands. The minute we get a response, I will like be like, hey,

Starting point is 00:11:51 Gramercy Theater, can I get the email list so we can let everyone know she's okay? Yeah. But okay, moving along. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I'm like, wow, that's a fucking crazy start. Okay, I'm gonna give you guys a choice on this next one, okay, because then one other story tonight does also involve a kink. Do we wanna stay on the kink train? Yeah!

Starting point is 00:12:24 Or, or do we want just like just a mix up I don't even know if it's lighter just but just mix it up a little bit mix it up let's hear it for kink let's hear it for mix it up that was too even really even we really even. Flip a coin. We gotta do that again, one more time. You gotta learn. Okay, ready guys? Kink.

Starting point is 00:12:51 Okay. Makes it up. Kink. You guys are good, but I think Kink won. Yeah, but I think the Kink haven't. I think weink won. I think the Kink have it. Yeah, by a margin. Slim margin. I almost said- We learned nothing. I almost said we should pass her on the mic and I was gonna say show and tell our kinks,

Starting point is 00:13:11 but I meant tell, but imagine what would happen. Let's leave it to our imaginations. Yeah. This next story is also from New York. Apologies. This was the very last story of also from New York. Apologies, this was the very last story of the very last show. So my voice is basically gone, gone.

Starting point is 00:13:33 But it is a really, really good story. So enjoy it. So I'm gonna give you a choice on this last one, okay? Today, I fucked up by not telling my doctor how many tic tacs I eat per day. Or, I destroyed my ex-boyfriend's Lego set and gave him one week to move out after he threw away my teddy bear.

Starting point is 00:14:03 No, that's a YouTube video I'd watch. The second one. The second one? First one? No, shh, you're wrong. It's the second one. Here we go, baby. I'm sorry, Gramercy. I'm going to try to read fast, but OK. We all know the title.

Starting point is 00:14:31 I'm not going to read it again. I just need to vent. I, 24 female, have been living with my 25 male, now ex-boyfriend, for about eight months. I have a teddy bear that my grandmother gave to me when I was younger. It has no monetary value, but the sentimental value is more important.

Starting point is 00:14:53 When I was eight, she gave it to me while she was struggling with cancer. Oh, God. It was stage four and spread quickly, and there was nothing they could do. She gave me a teddy bear and told me to take care of it and I could talk to the teddy bear whenever I missed her. She got one of those talking mics in it and it would say quote I hope you're feeling loved today because I love you more than all the stars in the sky and all the fish in the sea and you the world to me. I hate that you guys picked this one now. I forgot how fucked it was. Okay, where are we? She would say that all the time to me when I would spend the night. He knows how much it means to me. I told him. He's seen me hugging the bear and sitting outside

Starting point is 00:16:12 to talk to my grandma when I was sad or just needed to vent without judgment or even a response. Two days ago he decided that it was raggedy and quote not appealing to look at. This through it. I carried it around with me everywhere for two years. He would go in my book bag when I went to school, went to dance class with me. He even went out of town when I had cheer meets, when I got into high school. My cousin pulled out one of his eyes when I was 10, and he's missing an arm when my brother got mad at me

Starting point is 00:17:05 and cut it off. Holy shit. But it was sewn back on and then ripped off again. You guys get it, but he was mine. Did I mention this is coming from the 2.0 takes subreddit? Like this is one of us. Oh my god. I found a button that was exactly like his from some bear at Goodwill and was going to sew it in as his eye.

Starting point is 00:17:35 I went to my room. We have separate bedrooms. I can decorate my space how I want and have my workspace and the same for him, but we always sleep together. I just never had my own room and have always been living alone for two years, so I just want to keep that for a while. I went in there to do it and he wasn't on my bed. I went scouring for him for hours and he watched me.

Starting point is 00:18:01 watched me. I started to cry because that was the last thing she gave me and she made it special for me. He finally told me after watching me struggle for hours, he threw it away because it was disgusting and he hated coming into my room and seeing it Warm up my cell in that maximum security prison Fight me bitch

Starting point is 00:18:37 I got so mad and I felt so betrayed He likes to spend time on Legos and building them betrayed. He likes to spend time on Legos and building them. He built the Eiffel Tower, the Harry Potter Tower, a cherry blossom tree, and dozens of others. I went to his room and I destroyed them all. I threw the pieces around the room and out the window and into the garbage. He came in screaming at me and saying, how dare I touch his things? I'm so pissed. I'm, I mean, don't fuck with grandmas.

Starting point is 00:19:28 Don't you fucking dare. I'll put a Lego in every orifice of your fucking body, bitch. Sorry. He bought them with his own money and he spent hours on them. Oh. I told him to get the fuck out and spend hours rebuilding in someplace else because I'm done with him That is really good

Starting point is 00:19:57 He started telling me I was overreacting and whatever else I forgot a lot of the argument because I was pissed I told him he had one week to get his things out and move out but he wasn't staying here while it happened. He started telling me that I couldn't do that and he would paid and he paid bills. I told him I really don't give a shit and to get out or I'd call the police. We have mutual friends and he has told them a completely different story. Because two of them have texted me asking, how could you do that to him? To quote Wendy Williams death to all of them. And I really don't care to clear it up in the moment I didn't feel bad and now I kind of do

Starting point is 00:20:48 because that's his hobby and I get I was so hurt and betrayed by what he did he's even called me a time saying he'll get me another bear. No. Go fuck yourself. And we can work on things and don't throw away three years over a mistake. Oh yeah. Don't throw away my Nana's 98 year old teddy bear. Oh my god she he's lucky that he had Legos for her to destroy because I would be burning his house down. I would have taken fucking scissors to his dick. I mean, it would have been a game. I'm not kidding. You don't play when it comes to my grandma.

Starting point is 00:21:34 Yeah. No. Mic drop. No, no. I'm, I love my grandma. Like my grandma is literally my favorite fucking person and I've been working Can't even think think about her being gone But My grandma and me are working on like a recipe book together

Starting point is 00:21:57 And if someone took that recipe book and like threw it in the trash because they were annoyed by it. I Honestly, I would stab them with a pair of scissors rusty scissors get tetanus bitch If that shit fucking happened I would stab him before you I Listen, I'm calling the police all my hands out. I'm ready 25 to life. Let's go. I don't give a fuck Do life you fuck with my grandma, my family, me. You're done. You guys The top the top comment on the post I'd leave him. My husband folds my baby blanket and puts it under my pillow when he makes the bed

Starting point is 00:22:43 I'm a middle-aged woman with children. To be loved is to be seen. Like your partner should fully embrace you and all of you. This is a fucking teddy bear. This is this fucking teddy bear. This is this is bear bear This is not a fucking couch and a beetle guy going under it. This is not a poop knife This is not a coconut Bear bear oh my god the voice recording too like that's what would have really fucked me up

Starting point is 00:23:25 Like you threw away that that. I just, ugh. You guys. There's an update. Is there an update? We have an update. Yes! Yes! Be careful.

Starting point is 00:23:38 Fuck yeah. He's dead. Okay, I will just say like, he's dead. Oh, this has been a really emotional, wild ride for me because Lauren actually found this one And I didn't know any of this that was gonna happen. I'm like here Dark one to give them to choose But like thank God you guys stole like just not stole chose this one now stole stole like just not stole chose this one now stole and I'm looking at the clock I'm so sorry venue I know I'm over time I'll pay I really will sorry this is like therapy okay okay update I want to say thank you to all the people who told me

Starting point is 00:24:21 not to give up on finding my bear because I went out to that dumpster for three hours with my sister, my best friend, and even a neighbor came down to help when I told them what happened and I fucking found it! I am so relieved and beyond happy. Also I love all the men calling me crazy and he dodged a bullet and I committed a crime and he should call the police and take me to court. A crime? What? Tell them they should finish middle school. As if he didn't throw away my property

Starting point is 00:25:06 because he didn't like my property and my personal space. He is lucky that's all I did and I didn't sue him for it. Oh, this fucking little asshole. Does this make you emotional because of what just happened the other day? You guys, Justin was in the dumpster I didn't that I thought about that No the dumpster I come outside of the venue and okay. Well, we need to give them a little more content

Starting point is 00:25:35 I will I I wanted to like kind of put it out there and then have you finish Okay, so Lauren this was not I didn't even cross my mind and now I'm gonna cry more. Sorry, okay, nevermind, let's rewind. We're gonna take it back. So I have a pony. Okay, sorry, let me do it.

Starting point is 00:25:57 Okay, do you want me to handle it? Or do you? Morgan got a really sentimental gift and we couldn't find it. Yeah. So pretty much we dumpster dove. Justin did way more than I did. I went through one thing while going,

Starting point is 00:26:13 Justin was like in the trenches. Literally digging through the dumpster. Yeah. Yeah, you guys, I have a video of it. I'll post it on my story afterwards. It's it's It's truly beautiful. I don't know if I've ever cried this much in a show. I'm so sorry. But yeah, my pony, my pony's not doing very well.

Starting point is 00:26:36 Sort of like get this gift from someone. It was my pony carved in bronze. I lost it. It was beautiful. And I set it down on a chair. I lost it, it was beautiful, and I set it down on a chair. I walked away for two seconds, I came back to grab it, and it was gone. And we started going through the dumpsters,

Starting point is 00:26:54 but luckily I sent an email to the guy, and he go, please let me know if it gets found. And luckily he texted me yesterday, and he goes, Morgan, your pin was found. We have it. But it was very emotional because my pony is in the emergency vet hospital right now. But he's doing better.

Starting point is 00:27:12 But not where I wanted this story to go, but it's okay. Sorry. But the beautiful part is that Bear Bear was found. Yeah! And the Horsey Pin was found. Yeah! Ah, OP ends it anyways, I found him. He's drying I'm going to sew the button in over the weekend

Starting point is 00:27:34 My dad and brother will be here when my ex comes to get his shit and that's it I'm so fucking mad. I'm really ready to commit a crime. I'm glad you found it, but I'm still sad that he's just out building his Legos and doing that. I hope he literally either steps on all the Legos or never finds the one to finish Hogwarts. I hope he rots in Azkaban in his terms. Yes. Hogwarts, so specific. I hope when he goes to hell, cause he will. I'll greet him, that's the worst part.

Starting point is 00:28:13 No you fucking won't, because you are one of the most magical kind humans I've ever met. He's incredible. His backfired immensely. Chris Clemens is as amazing as he seems online. He is a beautiful fucking soul. But when that fucker goes to hell, every single minute of hell he will be walking over exposed legos on the ground. Because if you've ever done that, you know it hurts.

Starting point is 00:28:44 But on that note, that's've ever done that you know it hurts. But on that note, that's all I got for you guys. This really, this ended in a compromising way. Like I think I'm like well that was all alleged. Allegedly. Apparently. Allegedly load a gun and shoot him. I feel like after that last story and my personal connection to it I need another shot. This next story is from our Minneapolis live show at Varsity Theatre. It is coming from AITAH. It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Telling My Girlfriend

Starting point is 00:29:30 That My Ex-Wife Was Tighter? Oh! Oh! Wow. My heart's pounding. I'm upset. You're already heated over here. I'm male 39, hate it when people make fun of others.

Starting point is 00:29:54 I mean, I know that people can gossip and talk amongst friends about other people and I'm guilty of that too. But I got very upset when my girlfriend, female 32, started talking about my ex-wife, female 42. I understand that disliking an ex isn't abnormal or anything, but my girlfriend is obsessed with my ex-wife and always tries to make bad remarks about her. When it is just to me, I don't care.

Starting point is 00:30:25 Because again, people can gossip and talk shit about others in the privacy of their own homes. But this time, it was at a restaurant with some of her girlfriends and their spouses. Somehow the discussion became about my ex-wife's vagina. Yeah, don't ask me how, but they were discussing child birth and body changes, age, etc. and my ex got dragged. My girlfriend was a bit drunk and she was talking loudly. I hated it and I asked her to stop talking. When

Starting point is 00:31:03 I get upset, she doubles down because she starts thinking, why do you care? Why don't you want me to talk shit about your ex? She has actually told me this before. Now she was talking about how my ex-wife must have a huge one. We have two children together, female four and male two. We have two children together, female four and male two.

Starting point is 00:31:33 The girls started laughing and saying, eww. I yelled to stop, but they ignored me. Then my girlfriend told me, why are you so agitated? Did we hit a nerve? I said, actually, no. My ex was the tightest woman I've ever had. I don't know how she managed it, but she is very, very tight. They became silent and my girlfriend started crying. Then the women started yelling at me.

Starting point is 00:32:08 And their spouses were somewhere between amused and scared. Then one of the spouses said, Yeah, I don't think childbirth really affects this. I haven't noticed the difference with the women I've dated. I felt gratitude but I was still being yelled at and my girlfriend has not called or answered me since Saturday. I am so tired." Oh my god, do you want to take this first? I mean I'm a little embarrassed in the sense that there's some people here that I would never have these conversations with. I know, we have a lot of family here.

Starting point is 00:32:55 They did not get the disclaimer before the show, so I guess here it is. Oh my God, you didn't warn them? I tried, I don't know. How do you warn someone? Oh, by the way, we're going to talk about tightness. We don't know how do you warn someone? Oh by the way we're gonna talk about tightness. We don't know what's gonna come up here. Yeah. We don't know what you're gonna read to us. I should have warned them and I definitely didn't. I'm so sorry mom. But anyway I think the second you have a

Starting point is 00:33:21 sentence like when I start getting upset, she doubles down. I don't think, you know, this is much bigger than this conversation. It's much bigger than this topic coming up in front of everyone. It's just, it could have been about anything, any sensitive topic. And it's when you start doubling down,

Starting point is 00:33:40 when your partner seems upset because you're trying to keep pushing that narrative, there's a bigger issue here. So, you know, the fact that she's not responding might be a good thing. Yeah, I personally can't believe that the title of this went from me feeling sick to my stomach to being like... Because here's the thing, like this is the mother of his children and his children, you would hope, he really loves. And to say that because she gave birth to his children, that she's gross now, that is so messed up, that there's just, there's no excuse. Yeah, sure, you can be jealous of an ex, but that, you're taking it too far.

Starting point is 00:34:25 And I obviously, it was maybe like a little, it kind of like, maybe it was a little mean for him to say that. But like, at that moment, he was backed against a corner. And I just think that like, she needed that wake up call. And so I actually am not mad at him for saying that to her. And so I actually am not mad at him for saying that to her. I am not mad at all. I actually love this. And I know like you're supposed to defend your current partner and have their side. But when they're relentlessly trolling someone that has nothing to do with them anymore, like him defending his ex-wife honestly gives

Starting point is 00:35:06 green flags. Like I actually really appreciate that. And people would be like, why? He is unwilling to let his ex-partner, mother of his children, be dragged through the mud for no reason. And it's like, yeah, they're together now, but you could not be. And what if you have a kid with him and this is the next lady talking about you? Like, it makes me feel, oh god, the bar is in hell, but a little hopeful. Like, I'm like, yeah, defend her, and her tight vagina. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:40 Yeah, I mean, I think that there's a lot of little petty things that you could chirp to like your ex or to your current partner about their ex and it not be that serious but like this just feels this feels like a crime against females. You know what I mean? Oh I was gonna say she's giving pick me. Yeah like it just she is giving pick me oh my god, she must have a huge one. Unlike me, I'm so tight. Like, she's giving Pick Me. Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

Starting point is 00:36:13 Well, and it seems like it's been building up. And this is the final just outlet where he's just had enough. And it's just like, all right, you're gonna do this in front of everyone out tonight? Well, here's what I have to say. So, I like it too. I know, and the chorus of,

Starting point is 00:36:27 Eww! Like, how fucking old are you? There's pelvic floor therapy, bitches. I know, I met my little OBGYN nurse here tonight. Yeah. The one comment he does include in this that does freak me out too is, my girlfriend is obsessed with my ex-wife. Why? Like that is, that's so weird.

Starting point is 00:36:52 And the fact that they have to like co-parent, you don't want someone like that around your kids. They're gonna pick up on her hostility and all the shit she's talking. Yeah, you'd want him to have a good relationship with her. I mean, just for the good of the whole situation. But if you're that threatened, then, you know, let's get rid of you. Let's get rid of you. One way or another.

Starting point is 00:37:16 Top comment on this one. This whole situation sucks. If you're co-parenting with your ex, your girlfriend should know that part of dating you means having a cordial, or least neutral relationship with her, at least in front of you. She has way crossed the line. This is not somebody you can have around your kids. She's ghosting you? Cool. Saves you the trouble. True. I like it. There is another comment, one that OP responds to. This is

Starting point is 00:37:51 such a lack of respect for your ex-wife, but also for your feelings, that I hope that you have already broken up with your girlfriend. Being drunk is not an excuse to discuss other people's genitalia in public. What else is she okay to discuss aloud when you're not around? She won't change because she is jealous and insecure of your ex. OP responds, while writing this post, I literally thought, what am I doing? Yeah. Yeah, I realized I am done. I am tired. I'm packing her shit in a box

Starting point is 00:38:26 and leaving it in the hallway. Hey. Yeah. Happy ending. That is a happy. What does that mean? Oh, Jerry shows himself. My dad must be out in the wild by you guys, huh?

Starting point is 00:38:42 Oh, man, Jerry. Oh, man. Also where's Carrie? Our lovely assistant Vanna White, come on out Carrie. Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. Thanks Carrie. Yeah baby. Oh, okay. Carrie's got those drinks. Usually I kind of lost track of time

Starting point is 00:39:13 because we start a little bit later. And so I didn't. But let's get it straight. We had to make sure everyone was in the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why it's cause of you guys, not us. I don't want the bad vibe. But I didn't have a drink in hand and I'm like, this is so weird.

Starting point is 00:39:28 Usually when I'm coming out here, I'm spilling all over myself and now I'm just like twiddling my thumbs. Lauren got smoked by a door. Oh my God. Yeah, tell them. Smoked. Tell them. The Tempe show had double swing doors and And they were holding it for me and Justin.

Starting point is 00:39:46 Not me. They didn't know Lauren was a part of the crew somehow. Even though she was at sound check. And that door just, bam. Champagne glass shattered. Shattered. Champagne all over Lauren. Well, she had these really light pants on. Looks like I pissed myself. So we're standing side stage and the intro video is playing and it

Starting point is 00:40:14 ends and I'm like Lauren you gotta go and she's like looking down she's like what do I do what do I say and then she just got out there and we did it but The show must go on yeah, are we ready for our first guest of the night? Okay, please welcome my lovely sister-in-law Amy to the stage. You have you have some presents. Justin also has presents while Amy gets settled. Oh my god. Well Amy, not for you Amy. Amy's like, it's for me. This next story is also from Minnesota, but it has a special guest, Sid from Well Said podcast. You've seen Sid in the past.

Starting point is 00:41:12 She used to go by straight candid. She is an amazing cohost, so be sure to go check out her podcast. This next one is titled, Boyfriend 25, and His Sister-in-law, 28 Female, Snuck Out to the Beach at 3 a.m. Oh, hell no. Oh. Hard no already, no, no. No.

Starting point is 00:41:37 Okay, so last night happened. We've been together for a year. We were visiting his parents' house, who live by the beach, and his brother was also there with his wife. We stayed there last night, and at around 3 a.m., I was half asleep. 3 a.m.

Starting point is 00:41:55 And I noticed that he was leaving the room. I thought, he's probably going to the bathroom or something. I heard some noises from downstairs, and I wasn't paying attention until I saw from the window that he was going out to the beach with his brother's wife. They came back about an hour later. I still haven't confronted him and I was wondering what this could mean. What was it that they needed to do? I don't know what to think. Sex.

Starting point is 00:42:33 Just like so nonchalant down here. I wondered what they needed to do. Sex. Sorry, I could not keep it together. Oh my God, where was I? What was it that they needed to do? I don't know what to think. Is it something that I can be upset about? Sneaking around at night isn't cool in my opinion. What is going on here? Your chill is insane. It's insane. If I saw you at that window running around the sand are

Starting point is 00:43:06 you joking? John Cena your ass. You kidding me? Are you joking me? I'm sorry. I maybe I just don't have any chill and I definitely had a tequila soda so I don't have any chill now for sure. I can't imagine seeing them walk off and not fucking going to see what is going on. Like, obviously, I'd probably play the card that's not run out and be like, hey, guys, what are we doing? You know, you go like a minute later, you trail, like the guys in the movies following,

Starting point is 00:43:41 like that kind of thing. You stay just out of sight. I'm going. There's no way I'm laying there just being like, oh, like that kind of thing. You stay just out of sight. I'm going. There's no way I'm laying there just being like, oh, they're probably just chatting. No way. There are some people in relationships though that like actually they're like,

Starting point is 00:43:54 oh no, I'd rather not know. I'm like, I'm gonna know. I'm gonna find your ass wherever you are. You have a piece of one kernel of sand, a kernel, kernel corn. One kernel, whatever, I'm calling it a kernel of sand in your ass cheek. I know exactly what happened out there. Grain, thank you.

Starting point is 00:44:12 Because honestly, I thought it was kernel too. The more you said it, the better it sounded. Kernel sounds pretty good. Because of kernel Sanders, or what? Sid, I'm literally picturing you like that Jennifer Lawrence scene in No Hard Feelings. Oh, I love that movie! And she's naked and she comes up and just like, peeps the shit out of the people who

Starting point is 00:44:32 try to steal her clothes. She looked so hot in that movie. She did. Oh my god. I love Jennifer Lawrence. The amount of times I've seen Hunger Games is disturbing. Okay, sorry. No, I mean, what are you wondering for?

Starting point is 00:44:49 I can't live in the unknown. My anxiety is like up here. I wish it wasn't there, but it is. I'm not living in the unknown. What if, no, I'm gonna find out. I'm gonna find you. I don't care who I need to ask. And also I'd already been out there crawling,

Starting point is 00:45:02 army crawling in the sand underneath. Yes. What is he gonna say? What were you guys doing? I don't care what I need to ask. And also, I'd already been out there crawling, army crawling in the sand underneath. Yes. What is he gonna say? What were you guys doing? I mean, here's the thing. I think we all know what's happening. And also, when you're sneaking out at 3 a.m.,

Starting point is 00:45:18 this is not the first time. There's no way that's the first time. Like, hey, texting in the middle of the night, you want to go to the beach? Nah, this shit's been going on. How many of you would have followed him? Everyone. Who wouldn't?

Starting point is 00:45:34 I mean, I am a very curious person. I would have loved to have a chance at stealth mode. Because I don't usually get that anymore. There's something about catching somebody doing something wrong. I don't get that anymore. The narc in me is like, yes, I caught you. I got you.

Starting point is 00:46:03 You know what I'm saying? I'm like, even when you pull up at, like, I don't know, a four-way stop and someone goes and you're like, ah! Oh, no, no, no, I'm pulling out first. I caught you. Doing something wrong. The narcan me takes over. Don't you hate, though, the idea of, like, catching in real life that image, though?

Starting point is 00:46:22 No? Catch him. Catch him. Well, no, no, no, not saying you never catch them at all. Like obviously the ideally you catch them, but like verbally, like I just like feel like that would be ingrained in my head and I would be like. But it doesn't matter, you're gonna break up after that anyways.

Starting point is 00:46:37 True. You're done, true, true. So we do have some comments. They own the coffin. Someone goes, I'm very surprised you didn't follow them. It could have been a range of interpretations from a crazy idea to them wanting to fuck on the beach. OP responds and says, I wanted to follow them,

Starting point is 00:47:00 but they had locked the front door behind them and I didn't have a key What do you mean? How do you lock? so We get some outside. Oh we get some more details people. Don't worry Someone goes this is new one to me. This is new one to me This is new one do tell how do you get locked in a house? OP responds, the lock has keyholes on both sides.

Starting point is 00:47:34 That's a fire hazard. I imagine my in-laws lock the doors at night and keep the key somewhere inside and my boyfriend had a spare key so he opened it, got out and locked it again. Window, window. You gotta change that. I was about to say, I'm like, smash the window, girl.

Starting point is 00:47:50 No, open the window. Or open it. I'd be out the window. There's no patio door, sliding glass door. Come on, this is a beach house. Listen, when detective work comes to detective work, I'm sorry, you can't pretend like you haven't dug so hard on Instagram or Facebook, I don't care. This is in person, this is your big break. You gotta get out there,

Starting point is 00:48:08 you gotta find out what's going on, get out that window. I'm saying. Yeah, top comment on the original post. And you asked him about it, and he said, dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot. Whoa, that was a lot of dots. That was crazy. Look at how many dots there are. But your mouth, I've never seen it move that fast. Whoa, that was a lot of dots. That was crazy. Look at how many dots there are. But your mouth, I've never seen it move that fast.

Starting point is 00:48:28 I know, I saw the machine gun. I practiced. I didn't. We have an update. Oh. Hey again. As much as I wanted to tell you all that, it was over nothing, that they just wanted to get some air or smoke some weed or something.

Starting point is 00:48:52 Not the case. Really? Really? They were, indeed, fucking. Case closed. Judge Judy hit her a little. It's done, it's done. I asked my boyfriend about it.

Starting point is 00:49:09 Didn't mention that I saw him go out with her, just that I saw him leave the bed and come back later. He told me that he just went to pee and then saw his dad in the kitchen and couldn't sleep, and they had a chat for a while. Liar! I asked his sister-in-law immediately after that, said that I saw her from the window for a second. Was I just imagining it since I was half asleep

Starting point is 00:49:34 or did she go out alone that time of night? She said that she enjoys midnight breaths and alone walks on the beach. Liar again! enjoys midnight breaths and alone walks on the beach. Liar again. 3 a.m., not midnight, honey. See, we got our detective work done. I told his brother that I saw them leave. He told me that they enjoy long walks on the beach.

Starting point is 00:50:00 He couldn't be bothered to go with them. I thought, liar. He's in on it? He's into it then. No, he's ignoring it. He's probably ignoring it. So apparently they gave each other the heads up since my boyfriend came to me and told me everything an hour later.

Starting point is 00:50:19 Him and his brother like sharing their girlfriends. Oh my god. and his brother like sharing their girlfriends. Oh my god. Yeah. So only one person was betrayed. Like, you would think they would have like a partner to be like, this sucks that we're going through this together, but no. No. Holy. I feel like a partner to be like, this sucks that we're going through this together, but no, no.

Starting point is 00:50:50 He's been fucking his sister-in-law for years now. Oh! Years! That night was just another moment. He told me that he wanted to tell me when the time is right, or when he thought I'm prepared so that I can join in and sleep... Oh!

Starting point is 00:51:08 So I can join in and sleep with his brother. Oh my God. So that they no longer have to sneak around. He wasn't even admitting that it was cheating, saying that it doesn't count since it's his sister-in-law. Yeah. It doesn't count because she's my second cousin. I don't even know what to say to that. He called me traditional for thinking it was cheating. Yeah, I consider having sex with anyone else cheating. Call me traditional. So I broke up with him and left him to deal with his weird shit with his brother, and

Starting point is 00:51:56 I'm actually happier now. Let's go. You want a polyamorous relationship, you kind of have to involve the other person involved. Yeah. I'm sorry, but I know also, side note, if you couldn't tell by my narc detective work, I would not be in a polyamorous relationship. Just FYI. I don't know if you couldn't tell that.

Starting point is 00:52:18 I mean to each their own, but damn, at least inform the parties. As Justin would say. Yeah, baby. but damn, at least inform the parties. As Justin would say. A big cake! Yeah, baby. Don't even have to say it. Ha ha ha. Goes unspoken between us.

Starting point is 00:52:33 Were they just gonna, they just have been having family Christmases and here's my gift, you guys. I know you're doing good over there. Just like, I mean, the acting is just insane. Like the show they've been putting on for so long, God, that's a kink, Jerry. Well, what's crazy too is they could end up

Starting point is 00:52:55 in a situation where they gotta do paternity tests to determine is that my son or my nephew? Exactly what I was thinking. Yeah, it's so interesting. Like, I just, I don't really understand this type of kink, to be honest. Like sharing? Well, like, as you're wanting your brother and then the sister-in-law, like, I don't know, I don't know why, like, I don't know, I don't get it.

Starting point is 00:53:20 But yeah, I guess to each their own. If they're all happy as long as they're not lying to other people anymore Then go at it kids. He will he will definitely find his person that is okay with this. Oh, yeah Absolutely. There is a left shoe to everyone's crooked, right, you know, like He will find his person. I think if he went into it a little sooner, like maybe fourth date, fifth date, he might have better luck. Hey, by the way, this is what we do.

Starting point is 00:53:55 Welcome to the family. Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. Yeah, welcome to the family. I'm sorry. We have some family traditions over here. No, if your brother-in-law is just starting to work your shoulder, you gotta tight shoulder, honey. I'm like, get the hell away from me. What? No.

Starting point is 00:54:16 Yeah. I'm sorry. No. I'm so glad you don't have any siblings now. That's the first time you've ever said that to him. Oh, me. Oh, man. I'm so glad you don't have any siblings now. That's the first time you've ever said that to him. Oh, me, me, me. Oh, man. It's a good thing you're an only child.

Starting point is 00:54:30 Yeah. It's the first time you've said that. Yeah. Oh, man. Sid, thank you for coming up. Thanks for having me. See you all soon. Be sure.

Starting point is 00:54:43 Oh, oh, take some presents with you. Pass them out as you make your way back. Now this next one. This is a confession from our Nashville show. You will see why I'm saying this, but please do not try to track this person down. Please do not try to dox them. This obviously was recorded quite some time ago

Starting point is 00:55:08 and things have long since passed, but it's some juicy tea and just shows you never know what's gonna come out at a Too Hot To Haste live show. And again, do not try to dox them. Otherwise, this is why we can't have nice things in the future. Enjoy.

Starting point is 00:55:23 Okay, up next. If you change your mind, because you did say, don't call on me during the show please. If you change your mind after I read this, please let me know. Sorry! I need privacy screen. Oh my god. My ex-wife is Chelsea from Love is Blind season six. Oh my god! I know, right? I was not expecting that. And I hate that she's getting good publicity right now because she cheated on me while I was deployed in Afghanistan.

Starting point is 00:56:02 Wait. Is this the right Chelsea? Good publicity? in Afghanistan. Oh! Wait. Is this the right Chelsea? Good publicity? I didn't... Is she getting good publicity now? She is? Now. I think now. Okay. I kind of like stopped following after

Starting point is 00:56:18 the last show. I think early on it was she doesn't look like Megan Fox. And now I think I think people are coming around but do you want to hop on a mic and share a little bit or are we still up there come on down come on down. Woo! Come on down, baby. Wow.

Starting point is 00:56:50 Nobody thought they were getting this tonight. This is already my favorite show of the tour. I told you it's so good. You need to have walk down music. Like the Price is Right. No, it feels, all I have in my head right now is like Jaws. OK. Yeah, thank you.

Starting point is 00:57:19 Yeah. It's all true. What the hell, dude? How long ago was this? 2014. Wow. Yeah. High school sweetheart. Oh, man.

Starting point is 00:57:37 Oh! Hey, Corbin! She... I love you! Yes, she talked about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Did she talk about the cheating? No. No, no, she was kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Did she talk about the cheating?

Starting point is 00:57:46 No. No, no. She was kind of weird about the whole cheating thing. Conveniently left that out. It doesn't count, I guess, for her. So yeah, it's kind of bumming me out, you know? No, honestly. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:58:00 Not the whole divorce thing. Cool. No, no, no. But like, she's got like Neutrogena on her side. I'm like, bro. Neutrogena's on her side. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm no, no, not the whole divorce thing. Cool. No, no, no. But like, she's got like, Neutrogena on her side. I'm like, bro. Neutrogena's on her side. I served the country, and my skin is popping right now.

Starting point is 00:58:13 Give me a deal. You do have really good skin. You do. And like, no wrinkles. Botox? Retinol? What are we doing? Genetics?

Starting point is 00:58:23 Trent know it? Nothing. Like a normal dude does.? Genetics. Trent know it? Like a normal dude does, you know nothing. You know what though? You know why I think your face looks so good? Because you're not stressed by someone you have to worry about. Yeah, there we go. No stress. Did you watch the season?

Starting point is 00:58:40 Oh yeah, me and my wife, I'm married again. That's good. Oh my god. We loved it. I have pics if you want proof, but you know, I'm not trying to be like, God, this is your guys' show. I believe you. I mean, we trust you, but I believe you. I do. Yeah, that is. Okay, this is a hot take, but I do feel like you dodged a bullet. Oh, straight up. Well, I'm just curious if you got PTSD during the scene when he went out for like 45 minutes with his friends. I'm just saying all that stuff isn't like, that's real, like weird, real life stuff.

Starting point is 00:59:19 Thank you so much for coming down. Yeah, thank you. Okay, these are some Am I the Asshole stories from our Nashville show. Again, this is why you want to go to the Google form and fill it out. We love including listeners. We love being able to ask questions. The audience loves asking questions. I mean, people shout them out.

Starting point is 00:59:41 So submit the form so we can call more people on stage and include you in the chaos. Speaking of porn. Oh. What? What? That sounded like my dad. Yeah, Jerry is just a plant in the audience. Trying to find his way up on the stage somehow.

Starting point is 01:00:02 So we do have an Am I the Asshole from someone in the room. Aubrey? Aubrey, where are you? Would you like to come on stage while we read this? Okay, get your ass up here. See, this is why you do the homework. Okay, so I'm gonna get started while Aubrey makes her way up here. Well, maybe not, because I don't want the mic to yell at us again, just in case. I'm kind of scared. No, I don't know the words. Welcome! You got it, girl, you got it, welcome!

Starting point is 01:00:43 Great segue into that. it, girl. You got it. Welcome. Great segue into that. Welcome. Okay. Here we go. Am I the asshole for kicking my roommate of 14 years out of my house because she filmed porn in my bed? Wow, that was a good segue. Unplanned, too. That was perfect. It was a good segue. Unplanned too. That was perfect.

Starting point is 01:01:07 It's meant to be. Background. I, female 32, have lived with my roommate, female 32, since college. We met as freshmen and have lived together ever since. In 2020, I purchased a house and invited her to be a tenant. This is where the issues began. While borrowing her computer to check my IG account, I noticed her secret IG account was open. The account was full of her boudoir photoshoots

Starting point is 01:01:35 and hinting at other content. I started going down the rabbit hole on her link tree. The link brings me to her Reddit page and OnlyFans. While looking through some of the content, I noticed she filmed herself riding a dildo in my bed, in my office, on my couch, and my kitchen table. Wow. Okay.

Starting point is 01:02:11 What would you guys do if I just projectiled right now? I confronted her about her account, which she denied filming in common areas, so I said boundaries. No filming in my room, common areas, and no men in the house to create this content. She can rent a hotel if needed. The boundaries were ignored and she continued to use common areas. At least my bedroom was no longer used. That you know of. In the meantime she even stopped paying rent. This occurred for over a year. The final straw was listing my house in an LLC for her OnlyFans business and

Starting point is 01:02:59 listing an Amazon wish list for her clients, but made our address public. Nope. Did you, was your, was it, am I the asshole? No. Quit reading my screen. What did you mean, Lauren? No, I was just trying to go back to the first sentence. Like, did you ask a question?

Starting point is 01:03:20 Cause I want to answer it. No, you were not the asshole. Do we need to switch seats, Lauren? No. She knows my strong opinion on internet safety and privacy. So in June of 2023, I gave her six months to move out. Way too nice. You're very nice.

Starting point is 01:03:40 Way too nice. During this time, she continued to not pay rent and took eight months to move out. She stayed until February of 2024. Was I being a petty asshole asking her to move out? No. No. Wait, so when she denied filming in all those locations,

Starting point is 01:04:06 what was the reason? Like, oh, it was a green screen. Or like, how do you not? It's literally right there. Oh, it was more or less, I was like, hey, by the way, I saw that you filmed in my bed. And she goes, Aubrey Lynn, you watch my videos. I was like, ooh, throwing that middle name out there.

Starting point is 01:04:26 You know? So it got flipped on you. It did, yeah. That's so ridiculous. I'm all for like, you want to go on OnlyFans, you want to get your coin, do it. But you can't take advantage of people and then fuck in their bed or like the dildo machine

Starting point is 01:04:42 or whatever it was in their bed. Like beds are like those people's safe spaces. Safe room, yeah. Safe room, yeah, safe room. And I do a travel job, so I'm never home. So she took reign of the entire house. And then didn't pay rent for one year, eight months. I would take her to court.

Starting point is 01:05:04 I would literally, I would be so petty at this point, I would take her to court. I would literally, I would be so petty at this point, I would take her to court. Yeah. Because you have a mortgage. You have shit, you have bills, you got to take care of yourself. Take her to small claims court. Also, is she not making money? She made a couple thousand on OnlyFans. Only a couple thousand? Couple thousand every month on OnlyFans. From what she said. Only a couple thousand? Couple thousand every month on OnlyFans. She probably understated it too,

Starting point is 01:05:29 just so she would not keep paying rent. I mean, who knows how much. Yeah. She took advantage of you. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I feel too. And then she gaslit you to try to make you feel bad about her taking advantage of you.

Starting point is 01:05:41 Oh, and she doesn't see anything wrong with it either. What's her name? She wants to talk about it now. What's her name? Where's she at? I heard someone over here. What town do you live in? It's on the internet you should be able to see it. We don't want to give her any more money. Yeah she becomes like so rich that she pays you back. Wouldn't that be nice? Thank you so much for sharing. Thanks guys, appreciate it. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:06:08 Thank you. Lots of magic. Let's get into these Reddit stories. Woo! How we doing? We're hanging in there, okay? Woo! Okay.

Starting point is 01:06:23 How are you guys doing? Okay. Okay. Okay. How are you guys doing? Okay. Okay. Does anyone want to take a shot with us? Okay. Where did that come from? Well, it just felt right. We usually save that for the late show,

Starting point is 01:06:39 but this is really fun with you guys. This feels good. So for this first Reddit story, and don't look at my screen you weirdo. Am I the asshole for considering leaving my wife after her affair with my dad came to light? Knowing that it might destroy my family's dynamic. And that might destroy the dynamic? So here's the situation. I, 26 male, recently found out that my wife, 32 female, of two years has been having an affair with my dad,

Starting point is 01:07:20 48 male, for about six months. 48 male for about six months. This revelation came from my wife who confessed out of guilt. My father also apologized for the affair. To complicate matters further, I discovered that my mom, 49 female, was aware of the affair and was oddly okay with it. Are they broken up? I mean, it's horrible regardless that she's okay with it, but... You know as much as I know. Okay. My wife has been incredibly apologetic since the confession and wants to continue our marriage, promising it was a mistake and that she wants to fix things.

Starting point is 01:08:13 No. However, during our discussions, she admitted to enjoying the sexual relationship with my dad. It's just things you can't come back from. Oh, no, no, no. It goes on, sorry. She admitted to enjoying the sexual relationship with my dad more than with me. Okay, yep. There it is.

Starting point is 01:08:40 Why are we even writing this? Why are we even here? And- But let's make it work. And mentioned that part of her love for me stems from the similarities she sees between me and my dad. Where's that person that says, kill him? Where's that person that says, kill him? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:08 This has left me feeling inadequate and betrayed on multiple levels. I'm contemplating leaving my wife, but I'm aware this decision could completely dismantle the already strained relationships within my family. You got it. Ship has sailed on that one. I'm conflicted because despite the hurt, part of me still cares for her, but I also feel like staying could mean disrespecting myself.

Starting point is 01:09:43 Absolutely. You have to leave, there's no other option. The whole situation is a mess and I'm not sure if walking away makes me the asshole here. Am I the asshole? What type of gaslighting has he gone through to even question this? Am I the asshole if I leave my wife who was fucking my dad and she likes him more than me

Starting point is 01:10:06 and my mom knew and she was okay with it? Like, what? Six months. Six months. It wasn't a one and done. And then she felt guilty. And then not only that, but she doubles down and says, I actually enjoy having sex with your dad more than you.

Starting point is 01:10:27 That was something you did not need to share. No. Keep it to yourself. And did I hear you right when she said, and I like you because you resemble your dad. Yeah. Like two things pop into my head hearing this. I want to know how and like how like how this started.

Starting point is 01:10:45 How does that, how does the first time happen? The weird, it's weird that the mom knew. The amount of that is so true. But then I also want to know how the dad apologized. What does that apology even look like? Like, hey, sorry I've been sleeping with your wife. Sorry son of a boy. It's just sex, dude, sorry I've been sleeping with your wife. It's just sex, dude, you know.

Starting point is 01:11:08 I'm just, I'm so shocked that we're even writing this and that we're conflicted and that we're debating not hurting this dynamic further. Like, it's done. We're done. We're out. You have to be done. You have to be done. You have to be done. But what's so interesting now that I'm like, okay, the mom was okay with it, it's got me thinking, like, is it better? Or maybe, I don't know, because if the mom's okay with it, maybe the sex with the mom isn't

Starting point is 01:11:39 good. Or it's just like, oh, it's one less thing off my plate. You fuck him for me. You know? Okay, so they are still together. Mom and dad. They're still together, yeah. As far as we know. It could be a kink. There's too many missing pieces for this story.

Starting point is 01:11:55 Like, I mean, it could be a kink. Well, so then you're like, hey, good to meet you. By the way, I'm in a poly relationship with my wife, dad, and my mom's on the side cool with it. I just don't understand how not one, but both parents could be so okay with absolutely ripping the heart out of their child. Yeah, real shitty.

Starting point is 01:12:26 Well, there's no comments from OP. Account has been suspended now. Top comment on the post, what the fuck, dude? Have some self-respect and cut ties with all of them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Love when the top comment just so succinct. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:46 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:53 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:00 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. river on fire? Next comment, then nuke it from orbit and move to another galaxy. Yeah. Yeah, that's not a good one. I would not leave that peacefully. I wouldn't just be like, all right, see ya. I'd be like, I'm doing some shit and then I'm

Starting point is 01:13:20 gonna leave. Yeah. I don't know what, but give me some time and I'll think of something. Yeah. Yeah, get lost. There we go. That sounded like my dad, but yet I feel like I just saw him this way. But a lot of you have gotten a chance to meet my dad tonight. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Okay, what is the cup? You're drinking an alcoholic beverage?

Starting point is 01:14:05 At a concert. At a concert? I love that he calls these concerts. Every time. Every... What is the drink? Margarita. Margarita.

Starting point is 01:14:15 The second one. I can tell it's the second one. Wilden. I can tell it's the second one. He doesn't drink that often, so it is... We're getting a wild side. He's not loose in Nashville. He's been really fun.

Starting point is 01:14:29 Dad, will you pass our shots to us? None for you, Jerry. None for you, Glen Coco. He really let loose. He had a cabernet at the stage last night off Broadway. Yeah, Jerry was dancing. Jerry got into it. He was really letting loose.

Starting point is 01:14:46 As in wine? As in the disgusting wine? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Gabby, you'll get there. It's okay. I like wanna buy you a glass of wine now so I can just be like,

Starting point is 01:14:58 what do you think of this Cabernet? No, well, we'll get there. You are in Nashville, Tennessee. Here the word is white lightning. Moonshine. Moonshine, baby. We'll give you a little white lightning. I like that. I don't know what language he's speaking.

Starting point is 01:15:17 Yeah, why are you saying it like that? Just a teaspoon of white lightning. That's all you need. Have you had a little moonshine already? Oh, I've done moonshine. No, but like tonight. Tonight? No, not tonight.

Starting point is 01:15:28 Just the margaritas, okay. Back in my Kentucky days. Okay. I do wanna just call you out for something. I'm sorry? You told one of my friends that I met during the meet and greet that you would get in trouble

Starting point is 01:15:44 for taking pictures with people outside. No, no, no, no, no. When I say, would you like me to take a picture? And I go, Lauren loves to read me on that one. Me? Yeah, because you would say, Jeri was out there, you want to take a picture? Want a picture with me?

Starting point is 01:15:58 Want a picture with me? No, I would never get mad at you for that. I only get mad when I'm about to go on and then you're up on stage stealing the mic. It did happen. I'm like, what are you doing? Like this is remember, remember those, you know? So, have you seen improvement? You've gone a lot better. Definitely improved. Yeah, you're doing great tonight.

Starting point is 01:16:20 You're doing great. We reserved all our hugs for outside. Did we all get hugs? Yeah! Did we all get love? Yeah! Did we all get a story or two? Yeah!

Starting point is 01:16:33 There you go. Okay, well we'll see if they like you as much after your take on this next one. Oh god. I've been booed, by the way, I've been booed before. I also feel like I need to clarify real quick. I've never gotten mad at you for taking pictures of other people ever. I think what he's referring to is that my boyfriend was at one of the crowds and he said, Jerry! And he goes, you want a picture with me?

Starting point is 01:16:59 Yup. I think he got those crocs confused. He said, no, I've been there. No, he's like Jerry, it's me. It's me, Brian. I'm in here. I think that's, what is that? Is that Hot Chick too?

Starting point is 01:17:15 It's me, Jessica. I'm in here. We literally, we were doing soundcheck tonight and we're like, boys are cheats and liars. They're such a big disgrace. Does anyone know hot chicks? Okay, okay, thank God. I recorded your mic check.

Starting point is 01:17:30 I was over there in the corner and I recorded it. Oh, can't wait to see that. We had Morgan singing, we had all sorts of things going on. I tried singing the national anthem. It was a time. Lovely. Let's get into this next one though. It is titled, Am I the Asshole for my wife and young son, son, song, song.

Starting point is 01:17:51 Lauren found this one by the way, I haven't read it yet. Let me start over. Am I the asshole for choosing my wife and young son over my grown daughter? Let's hear more. I, male 50, have a daughter, Chris, female 27, from my previous marriage. I am now married to my wife, female 45, and have a son, 5. Chris and I used to be very close, but as she has gotten older, I feel like we drifted apart. Chris recently got married. She and her now husband decided to do a child-free wedding. Chris told me she wanted me to walk her down the aisle.

Starting point is 01:18:35 I, of course, agreed. Then, about a month later, probably around eight months before the wedding, she told me and my wife that the wedding was going to be child-free. No exceptions. I tried reasoning with Chris because finding childcare can be difficult and she said she gave me enough time to find someone to watch my son for one day and that I am her dad and that one day is really important to her.

Starting point is 01:19:08 Well, we couldn't find childcare. My wife was going to stay with our son while I went to the wedding but I didn't feel comfortable with leaving my wife and son for the whole day. What? What the fuck? So, so I decided to not go to the wedding. My ex-wife ended up texting me calling me a huge asshole because yeah because Chris was heartbroken on her wedding day. I explained to my ex-wife that I didn't feel comfortable leaving my wife and son alone all day and that maybe Chris

Starting point is 01:20:01 shouldn't have done a child-free wedding. Chris and I haven't talked since, which was two weeks ago, and now she ignores my calls and texts. I feel... I feel like maybe I was the asshole. Maybe? Am I? Question mark? This dude's stupid. Okay, celeb guest up here, you go first.

Starting point is 01:20:32 I mean this is a no brainer. Okay, so let's imagine Super Bowl shows up. He gets two tickets for the Super Bowl for him and his wife. Is he going to pass him up because he's worried about his child? Oh my God, that was such a good. That was really good. Okay, these next couple are Am I the Asshole stories from our Irvine show from People in the Room.

Starting point is 01:20:56 And while we might pick on our family a little, we still love you all and appreciate everyone sharing so, so, so much. Also, with a Google form, if you don't wanna be called on, you can remain anonymous the entire time. So you can share, no pressure to be exposed. And there's a question for everyone. One of my favorites I'm asking this tour is what is the biggest red flag you missed?

Starting point is 01:21:19 I'm blown away already by the responses, but enjoy these stories. Okay, so this one, I feel like your dad advice will really come through and shine on this one. Am I the asshole for never for never telling my high school best friend that her boyfriend at the time tried to cheat on her with me? This is someone here that wrote this in? Yeah Haley. Oh man. Haley, where are you?

Starting point is 01:21:50 When we were in our early 20s, I had moved from my hometown and went back for a visit, staying with my friend and her boyfriend. On the day I was leaving and packing my things, it was just me and him in the house as she was in class. He called my name, so I walked in his room thinking nothing of it to find him standing there with his dick out That's like not just trying to hook up with someone that's absolutely disturbing Yeah, right, yeah the naked man only works on how I met your mother Yeah, the naked man only works on how I met your mother. Not in real life. And if it has worked for you, I will invite you up here to share.

Starting point is 01:22:30 Anyone? No? I was shocked and immediately left the room and waited for my ride in the living room. I remember him coming in to apologize before I left, and I don't even remember what my response was. I just remember feeling super awkward and uncomfortable. They had been together for at least four years at this point. In my immaturity I thought it would be better to never speak of it again to save the friendship because I didn't know if she would break up with him, if she would believe me, or what her reaction would be. Years later after

Starting point is 01:23:05 they broke up I was passing through the town she's currently in and we met for lunch. She opened up to me that they had broken up sometime before because of many reasons and included that he admitted to cheating on her with multiple people during their time together. That was at least five years after the incident and I thought about coming clean at the time but I felt like it had been so long and he was now completely out of the picture that bringing it up could do more harm than good. We see each other once every five or so years at this point but will likely be lifelong

Starting point is 01:23:41 friends. Would you at this point see any benefit to bringing this up in the future? No. Time has passed. The time has passed. Time has passed. I mean, what's the benefit of saying the truth? She may already know and she'll say, look, she's trying to respect our friendship at this point.

Starting point is 01:24:05 If you said any, if she was gonna say anything, it probably would have been at the time he did it. So she would know what a dickhead he is. Yeah. But at this point in time, I don't think there's anything healthy that's gonna come from it. Yeah, no, I agree. It can only be self-serving at this point, right?

Starting point is 01:24:20 I think so. It's just the weight off of you. But really on her end, it's gonna have zero effect. Back at the time, it might have had a worthwhile effect and then it justifies it, but there's no need. I would agree. If he's for sure gone done out of the picture, no, don't tell her. If he decides to pop back up,

Starting point is 01:24:41 then maybe if it's the right situation, you really got to feel that one out. He tries it again. Can you imagine? What a weirdo. Then she could say, why did you shrink? Here you go. Off the rails. Age has not served you well. Is this from personal experience? Age has not served you well. Is this from personal experience?

Starting point is 01:25:08 I'm 66, every night I cry. Oh no. This took a turn I wasn't expecting. Okay, last. Yo, why did you want Jerry up for this one specifically? I feel like he just gives really good dad advice. And mostly for this next specifically. I feel like he just gives really good dad advice and and mostly for this next one. Okay. There's two sides that we have from a friend we met during our meet-and-greet Phoebe, which where are you? Hi! Okay I'm

Starting point is 01:25:36 so sorry did you know she wrote in? You did? Okay so you know this is coming. Okay so how do you guys feel about Valentine's Day? I like it. I Have a heart over here. I know Lauren loves it. A lot of you were very quiet. I love the girl in pink was just like Okay, so this one is a Valentine's Day dilemma my 21 female fiance 27, bought me a vacuum for Valentine's Day. Wait, I think that's kind of awesome. Oh, it's you guys. Duh. Oh my god. Oh my god, I just like blacked out and forgot that this is your story. No, that's, I think that's awesome. What kind of vacuum was it? I love vacuums. Leave it to Lauren to find the upside. I just, I just bought a vacuum recently, a handbag, and my roommate was like, why

Starting point is 01:26:35 did you buy a handbag? And I was like, what do you mean? Like, why, why did I not buy this earlier? Like, they're amazing. It's incredible. I know one thing, he'll never do this again. First and last to Hot Takes Live show. My fiance Nick and I love listening to your show together and would love to hear your take on the situation we had this year on Valentine's Day. Nick has been telling me for about two weeks that he'd gotten me a really great Valentine's Day present and couldn't wait to give it to me. me a really great Valentine's Day present and couldn't wait to give it to me. I was really excited and of course looking forward to it but when Valentine's Day came the package hadn't arrived yet so he decided to just show

Starting point is 01:27:15 me what he'd gotten me instead. This man shows me a picture of a Roomba. That's fantastic. That's fantastic. Brian, my boyfriend, take notes. I would love a Roomba. And tells me that I won't have to worry about asking him to vacuum the carpet anymore. Win-win. Did you just say win-win? I don't like nagging Brian to clean. This would be fantastic.

Starting point is 01:27:44 Just vacuum the fucking floor, bitch. It's not that hard. For context, I do most of the housework except for vacuuming. Because of my bad back, I always have to remind him to do it. Needless to say, I was pretty upset about getting a vacuum on what's meant to be a romantic day. It felt more like a gift to get out of cleaning, in my opinion. My fiance understood my feelings but insisted that he meant well and hadn't even thought about how giving me a vacuum for

Starting point is 01:28:20 Valentine's Day could be offensive. Looking back now I do find it funny and honestly I'm glad to have the vacuum but what do you guys think? Am I up first? Awwww. Awwww. There's not many times in life where you get booed by this many people so just take it in. Just own it. Oh my god, Justin got booed and he's not over it. First of all-

Starting point is 01:28:47 It was endearing though. It was an endearing boo. For sure. Okay. First of all, do I have to keep on the rails or can I just be- You can pop off a little. Okay. Well, when somebody gets something to please themself, I call that masturbation.

Starting point is 01:29:00 So- Yeah, you really did pop off. And the next- Yeah. And the next time you do something like that, you're gonna be finding yourself with that in hand. I will say that. Oh my God. But on the other side, as you were starting the story, I was actually feeling that you,

Starting point is 01:29:19 because that you love her, that you were trying to make life easy and that she likes a clean house, and your intention was to keep keep to help her out with that. I didn't really know was to help you out with it. So I'm glad you got it. I think it's great for you to have in your home but I really think it's time for you to go out and come up with it with an additional gift and otherwise in hand buddy did you get a cute card though or like any type of little cuteness just all you got was a and you got and you got a picture and it said with love right with a big. You won't buy an appliance for next Valentine Day. He's not, he's no. Okay.

Starting point is 01:30:10 Hey, to be fair to my guy down here, you would have really liked that. Okay, not from you. I've been asking my mom for a vacuum and it's kind of like an inside joke thing. My mom is like, what do you want for your house? What do you want for your house? You know you're moving in finally getting your own place at 30. What do you want? I'm like a vacuum. Vacuums are expensive. That's what I'm saying. Roombas are like I would be really happy about that. I yeah it is great. I'm gonna, Roomba's on my list too but I was just telling her I was like I want the vacuum. She's like I'm not getting you a vacuum. She just like didn't want to,

Starting point is 01:30:45 because she was like, that's not something you get. I don't know, it's weird. It's not fun enough. That's what she literally said. She's like, I want to get you something like fun for you. And fun for her is like jewelry, because she's a jewelry gal. But all I wanted was a vacuum.

Starting point is 01:30:58 But if you would have gotten me a vacuum on Valentine's Day, I would have been a little sad. It's like, you can, you gotta get me. I guess I'll go hang out with you. But do you guys, do you guys go big though for Valentine's Day? I mean, because me and Brian, we just, I mean, he got me a nicer present than I got him,

Starting point is 01:31:18 but they were both pretty modest presents, so I think it depends on what it is. We're at this point, we're five years in. So we really talk about what we're gonna do for the holidays or birthdays or Valentine's Day. Like my birthday, he's like, what do you want? I don't know what to give you. I'm like, honestly,

Starting point is 01:31:35 I wanna go on Facebook Marketplace together, pick out some shit I don't need and drive all over town and get it together. Like that's my idea of a good gift. They do like to do that together. It doesn't have to be expensive. It just has to like have thought, which I get Nick's gift was very thoughtful. Like you're back, you can't vacuum because of your back.

Starting point is 01:31:54 I'm gonna get you a vacuum. Get the Roomba, but then you still, Roomba's a fake. She's like, it was his job though. It was his job, but a Roomba is a fake vacuum. Like they don't get everything. So it's like the Roomba does the like the small little maintenance but you got to go do the deep clean still so you're not off the hook. Not off the hook. You have stairs okay so you need to vacuum the stairs yeah there you go.

Starting point is 01:32:18 Thank you guys for sharing it was very brave especially sitting here in the front row. And everyone everybody loves loves a vacuum. Don't get yourself, I actually came home the other day and I said Morgan look what I bought myself. And what did she say? A vacuum. And what else did you say? It's a Dyson. No, you said something else.

Starting point is 01:32:35 I wanted to give you a vacuum. Oh wait, I'd already bought you a vacuum. So now we have an extra. Anyways. You're off the hook. I'm done? You did a great job though. Thank you. Anyways, am I off the hook? You're off the hook. I'm done? You did a great job though.

Starting point is 01:32:46 Thank you. And just, you know, I say I didn't go too far off the rails. No, not too far. Not at all. Actually, like, turn it up a little bit because it entertains me, honestly. Honestly, the masturbation line was great. We might need that on a t-shirt next. Okay, this next one is a Reddit story also coming from Irvine and

Starting point is 01:33:07 it is juicy. So this is coming from the best of Redditor updates 17 hours old. Oh the spring chicken. Spring chicken. My husband wants everyone to know, I'm not pure. It's exactly what the title says. I've been with my fiance for six years and engaged for the past eight months. I've been doing most of the wedding planning, but my fiance, let's call him Ryan, will give his input here and there. So about a month ago, Ryan, out of nowhere,

Starting point is 01:33:45 said he was talking to some of his coworkers and thinks that I shouldn't wear a white dress. Oh. This was totally weird to me. Ryan is a very artistic guy, so I figured this was more about how the photos would turn out or something along those lines. But I'm

Starting point is 01:34:05 set on wearing white. I told him this and I could see that he was annoyed but he let it go. Two weeks ago I finally picked and paid for my dress and this caused a huge argument. Ryan again came to me very annoyed. He asked to see the dress I picked but I said no because I wanted it to be a surprise for our wedding annoyed. He asked to see the dress I picked, but I said no because I wanted it to be a surprise for our wedding day. He asked me to at least tell him what color it was and when I said white he threw a fit. I yeah yeah, yeah, I like this. Hello! Hello! I honestly do not see why this was a big deal. Almost everyone wears white on their wedding day. When I asked him what color he thought I'd be wearing,

Starting point is 01:34:58 he told me I should wear red. Oh! Red! Red! Red! Red! Red! Red! wear red. Again, this was super weird to me. I asked him why I would wear red to our wedding and he told me that brides only wear white when they are pure. Oh my god. Run! Run! Interesting how that's actually not factual. There's zero stats around that, but go off.

Starting point is 01:35:27 Woo hoo! First on background, Ryan and I started dating when I was 21 and he had just turned 20. He was a virgin when we met and I only had one other person who was my ex-boyfriend of four years throughout high school. This caused a lot of problems

Starting point is 01:35:46 the first year of our relationship and we almost did not continue dating because of how insecure he felt. After that first year it was never a problem again until now I guess. He went to his mom about all of this thinking she would convince me. Oh my god please. His mom! It all makes sense. But, but she's on my side. A very rare mother-in-law with. Wow. What a wild way to like try to publicly shame the person that you love. Sorry you don't deserve white you actually have to do red cuz you're tainted. What the fuck? When you say it like that that like hurt. I'm offended. Like my feelings got hurt. So two nights ago Ryan, his mom and I stood

Starting point is 01:36:42 in our living room and argued about my sex life being shown in a dress. His mom stated that he is no longer a virgin either, so maybe he should wear red too. I was gonna say that, I was like, broke up. Okay, mom! Neck sweating, all red, buddy. All red. And, and, he bursted out crying. Oh, you bitch. Perfect.

Starting point is 01:37:10 Just like we mentioned before, he resorted to crying. Right? Ew. Man, that's a baby. Ryan is still stating that me wearing white would be deceiving all of our guests, and that it is different for guys. Oh! I think on this one we need the year. Is this one from the 1400s or the 1500s?

Starting point is 01:37:34 The original post is from 2022. It's very modern. And I scrolled up and I lost my spot. I'm so sorry guys. We're recording Morgan's debut single soon. It's been a long time coming. I found it. This all has honestly made me question even marrying this man. I don't know if it's just because everything is so fresh but I'm really disgusted by him. He's not even religious so I know... What? Oh my god I just nodded. Wow. You're just violent for no reason. You just woke up and you're like... Okay. Easy A. Like justified violence. Yeah. So I know this is just about him

Starting point is 01:38:20 still thinking about me losing my virginity at 18 before I even knew him I just needed to rant to anyone about how psycho this is what do I do there's no future there's no future this is done someone that's gonna belittle you on what's supposed to be the most magical special day of your life that you're spending thousands of dollars for likely For what you want to look more superior than me? You're not a virgin either bitch Isn't it scary to think that it was a problem the first year and then it seemingly went away But it was still there the entire time and we just do not communicate

Starting point is 01:39:03 Yeah, I and we just do not communicate. Yeah. I have something to say, but I'm gonna wait because I feel really bad. I interrupted Alejandra, so... Wait, you didn't interrupt me. In a different story, I did. That doesn't work like that. Take the mic, baby. No, no, no.

Starting point is 01:39:18 Love ya. Passing the mic to Lauren. No. Go, Lauren. No, no, no. I really, I wanna be the last to say something. It's like I'm in, I feel like I got cold called and I wasn't prepared to answer so I'm gonna let you kick it off. You got it Lauren. I'm sorry, I keep taking your mic. Okay, well, what I'm thinking, I don't know how many people here are familiar with every single episode,

Starting point is 01:39:50 but what this reminds me of so much is the episode where the girl got pulled into a room. Oh! Yes! Yes! The hymen check. Yes, thank you, yes! God. And the guy check. Yes, thank you.

Starting point is 01:40:06 And the guy said, I cannot marry you unless my dad and my uncle check your hymen. Yeah, we were. Check your hymen to make sure that you have not had sex with anyone before me. And she laughed. She's like, you're kidding, right? No. He said, my mom did it. It's a part of our tradition.

Starting point is 01:40:26 All the males in our family have to spread your legs and make sure that you have not had sex with anybody else. That's what this is giving me. It's so weird. I did too until the story. It does give that vibe because it's the same level. Well, no, the Heimans obviously way worse. Way, way, way worse.

Starting point is 01:40:48 It's like, it's like awful. It's literally assault. But at the same time, it's like, you want to humiliate your partner for what? Like, for what? You also should be wearing red then. This is not the easy A movie. This isn't Scarlet Letter.

Starting point is 01:41:04 Do you want her up there with her dress saying I fucked him before this like what do you what come on I'm not a virgin I'll be wearing white I'm not doing no cream yellow or whatever the bullshit is like come on even if theoretically I know it would never happen even if she did wear a freaking red dress. He still wouldn't be over it. No He's clearly So insecure and I don't know how you've been with him for five years and it was only noticeable in the first Dude just need make a good point, because honestly, he probably would look back

Starting point is 01:41:46 at wedding pictures and be like, you destroyed all of our wedding photos because you had to wear red. Yeah. Yeah. He just sounds like that. Truly. Goodbye.

Starting point is 01:41:56 So the top comment on the original post, look, if he's this insecure after six years together, things are not going to improve. Yeah, six years. Six years. If you don't, I'm like really trying to like be the devil's advocate for him right now and I'm like,

Starting point is 01:42:17 I'm like, but I'm trying, I'm trying, right? I'm an empathetic person. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes. No, there's no way. I can't, even if I put myself in his shoes no there's no way I can't even if I put myself in hell I can't justify this hey I can't like that I know they're not married but divorced is he going to mention your impurity in his wedding speech is he going to try to leverage this in your marriage to get what he wants? Yep.

Starting point is 01:42:47 Is he going to demand paternity tests for your children? I'd seriously consider what you are signing up for. Dude sounds messed up as fuck. He needs therapy. He does need therapy, that's for sure. And it's not in a negative way. Like therapy, we love therapy in this house. We all support therapy

Starting point is 01:43:06 I need it you need it. We all need it love therapy So are we ready for the update That's my dad Jerry, what are you doing back there? I don't even I can't wait How do you see that? Are you saying letters? So he is chanting D-T-D? Dump the dude. Dump the dude.

Starting point is 01:43:38 He's really trying to make this. It's a movement. It's like Gretchen and Fetch. Not gonna make Fetch happen. Stop trying to make Fetch happen. But he's not far off. It is a good chant. I like it. If he had a mic, I think it would have gone further.

Starting point is 01:43:55 So, okay, you guys, the original post was November 9th, 2022, okay? The update, March 7th, 2022. Okay? The update, March 7th, 2024. Oh! Last week, baby! Oh my God, love. This is my update a little over one year later on the whole situation.

Starting point is 01:44:21 I will start by saying I did not get married. Ryan made that decision quite easy for me. I remember reading a comment that said I had to already have been done with the relationship for me to move on so fast. That statement was very true. We didn't read that comment, sorry. As much as I want to be the bigger person and not slander Ryan, he deserves it. Yeah! Yeah! Throw him under the bus.

Starting point is 01:44:54 Yeah! I won't get into all of our issues, but there are some big ones that I would like to address. The absolute deal breaker for me had nothing to do with the red dress, but instead was all of the little lies that built up throughout our entire relationship. Oh.

Starting point is 01:45:15 I'm ready. Ryan is very smart. I can't take that away from him. We actually met because even though I'm a year older than him, he graduated a year before me. We had mutual classes. For someone so smart, he always got caught in dumb lies.

Starting point is 01:45:34 As far as I know, he never cheated on me. That was something that I know a lot of people assumed, but even now, I don't believe it. There was never any big lie that caused massive drama, but rather a mountain of little lies that just always made me question why. He would lie to people about having allergies. He would lie about stopping for food before coming home.

Starting point is 01:45:58 He would lie about losing weight. Parentheses, he is a healthy weight with a very normal build. He would just lie about so many things that did not matter. My issue with this is I had absolutely no trust in the man over literally anything. I never held him back from doing things. He never asked permission to do things. So him going out of his way to lie about meaningless things really made me start to resent him.

Starting point is 01:46:29 I do not think he ever talked to his coworkers about the dress. I think that was another lie. After telling him I did not want to be together anymore, I asked him about everything that happened surrounding the wedding. I got no real answers out of him, and until this day, I got no real answers out of him and until this day I have no real

Starting point is 01:46:46 closure. My best assumption is that he got sucked into misogynistic forums surrounding purity and made up a story to bring it up to me. But what about him? Yeah. Sorry. My interest of thought. Our breakup was pretty nasty since he talked about me a lot online. For the most part, I did have support. No one ever reached out to me or threatened me, but it's still annoying having my feed filled with rumors I cheated and broke up our engagement over nothing. There was a lot of name calling as well.

Starting point is 01:47:23 Apparently I'm ran through, I'm fat, I let myself go, I look miserable without him. He's probably ugly, Ellen! He's probably ugly. Yes, he probably is. Eventually he stopped on his own as I never acknowledged any of it. Even with the online harassment He never really fought to save our engagement. I was actually hurt by how he seemed equally as ready to part ways We have no contact with each other at all, but I do know the last month. He actually got engaged again We're a red bitch

Starting point is 01:48:06 All I know about the girl is that she is 23. To the guy, not the girl. I'll scroll up after I read the update. Otherwise I'm gonna lose my spot on this fucking iPad. He was like a year younger than her, I think. All I know about the girl is that she is 23, a hardcore Catholic, and actually looks very sweet. For her sake, I hope they work out.

Starting point is 01:48:32 For her sake. I hear my dad back there. Yeah, is that Jerry? For sure that was Jerry. My dad, for those that didn't clearly hear it, I unfortunately did. I think he should run with the bulls in Italy. Okay.

Starting point is 01:48:53 I do not still talk to Ryan's mom. I'm sorry to disappoint. She was very kind to me through everything, but for me to continue talking to her would be a bit weird. I still got a happy birthday text and a Merry Christmas. That's very sweet because that was a mother-in-law with a W. I did have a date two weeks after I called off my engagement. Okay, okay. That didn't go anywhere and it was never meant to be. For me the date was to just see if I felt any guilt for moving on, which I had none. Perfect. Perfect. I had a huge career shift two months ago and I'm now living in Philadelphia, far away from all the drama.

Starting point is 01:49:36 I'm happy with where I'm at and he seems happy with his life. I don't think I'll ever have to interact with him again. I'm sorry for waiting so long to update There was just never really a right moment. There are also probably many grammatical errors for whatever if anyone is interested I do have pictures of the dress Yeah, no she didn't share She didn't share I'm gonna go I'll check the username though. Just to be sure just to be sure Wow good for her I love check the username though, just to be sure, just to be sure. Wow, good for her.

Starting point is 01:50:07 We love a happy ending. I love ending the show on a happy ending. It doesn't always go like that. Oh, I don't see a picture of the dress. But yeah, I can't believe he's engaged already. I can. I can too. I can. Really? The freak, of course.

Starting point is 01:50:26 Dude, she must be a virgin. She's... Well, yeah, she's Catholic. Girl, that doesn't... It does maybe add up. What do we... This is... Literally someone yelling,

Starting point is 01:50:40 they're Catholic. Just puts my head in the Mormon soaking phase where people are like soaking soaking isn't sex if you're not moving the bed it doesn't count so crazy is that I learned about that like later in life I didn't know those how long ago a month ago when I learned about that a minute ago when you said it you learned about ago? I'm today years old, learning that. Does anyone know? I'm right now years old.

Starting point is 01:51:07 You've never heard about Sokie? Never. He was, yeah, so one of our friends actually hooked up with him, and he literally asked her. The tea, the tea. Yeah, you guys all know who she is, I'm not gonna say her name on here, but like. Who?

Starting point is 01:51:20 I know who it is. I'm not gonna say her name, you a fucking owl? But like, yeah, this guy that was like, he won the Bachelor this one season, and then anyway, that didn't work out clearly, and he wanted to like, soak, was that the name? Is that what it's called? Soak? He asked to soak?

Starting point is 01:51:34 Yeah, like with our friend. Did they do it? Do you know? No, I don't know. But she explained it, cause I was like, I've never heard of that before, and she's like, yeah, sometimes people go underneath the bed and take the bed and rock it back and forth. Because, which is so crazy to me. Like I was like, I didn't know that was a thing,

Starting point is 01:51:51 but apparently it is. So, did you know that? That's like his thing? Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, I don't think it's his thing. Yeah, so apparently like, Was he a virgin? Was he saving it?

Starting point is 01:52:03 I don't know. Like I guess in his terms, but apparently it's like the virgin was he saving it? I don't know like I guess in his terms But apparently it's like the idea of sex is just like if you're making the motion yourself But if you just like are there apparently it doesn't mean anything and so yeah That's why they're like they'll have a third party that will shake the bed underneath which is so wild to me like I Don't get it. I don't get it either. I'm sorry, just the tip. It still fucking counts, unfortunately.

Starting point is 01:52:30 And not to mention you have people in there moving the bed. Yeah, yeah. That makes it more of an orgy. Like what? Yeah, like an orgy. If other people are involved, that becomes orgy level, which I think in the eyes of God is worse. Let us know.

Starting point is 01:52:47 Okay, now this is where the audio is going to change just a touch. The next couple of stories only have audio recorded from the room, so it might be a little louder, a little less clear. So if that might bother you, this is where we end the episode. Thank you for being here. Hope to see you at a live show. Otherwise, enjoy some of these confessions and Am I the Asshole from Charlotte. Okay, moving on to a couple of confessions before we really dive into this.

Starting point is 01:53:15 I might low key be in love with my best friend who is long distance. Okay, so the next one though is another, these are two separate people, but you guys. I've, female 25, been in love with my best friend, female 26, for years. There's several different relationships for both of us. She's the love of my life, my soul mate, and I will take her however I can have her in my life, even if I'll never be able to kiss her.

Starting point is 01:53:41 She's currently engaged and trying for a baby with her fiance. That is a tough position to be in. Last confession for us. I had this roommate in college and everything was going great living together until she decided to get a puppy. She did not train this puppy and would be out partying instead of taking care of her puppy and I would come home to poop and pee all over the floor. And this caused a lot of arguments between us. I came home one day after work and immediately stepped in dog poop and she laughed. And that's, and that's when I decided

Starting point is 01:54:34 I had enough of this and this is where I got my petty revenge. We shared a bathroom and every day I would take an object of hers that was in her shower and dot dot dot pee in it. and every day I would take an object of hers that was in her shower and pee in it They did not give me permission when asked if I could share their names they said Lord no they go on to say I would rotate daily peen in her face wash body wash shampoo

Starting point is 01:55:13 and conditioner for months until we moved out I'm so scared! What is it? I believe in all of you. You guys... Oh, this is someone here right now? This is someone in the surround. Okay, this is the bomb as I teased. This one is titled, Am I the asshole for announcing my pregnancy at a THT live show. Everyone start looking at who you're at a table with and have a drink of alcohol tonight. I'm so happy I literally said you last game.

Starting point is 01:55:59 I'm too used to the sign. Woo! I, 26 female, am feeling like I may be the asshole for this one. My boyfriend, 30 male, and I found out we are expecting. I'm only 12 weeks along, but we found out early. I feel like a normal person would run to their best friends, right? I didn't. I'll admit, I was a bit scared at first. And now we've come around and we're extremely excited. Here's the problem.

Starting point is 01:56:30 I have two best friends. I've lived with both of these people over the last three years, and they have gotten me through some really crazy times. I can't help but feel like an asshole for not telling them how our late wine and trashy TV nights will be coming to an end for at least the next eight months. I'm not gonna cry.

Starting point is 01:56:51 I'm so excited for them to become an aunt and uncle and I'm not just going to disappear on them. Logan and Kelsey, do you think you can forgive me for breaking the news to you in this way? Where are they? Wait. Ah! Oh! So, Justin, do you want to run a mic over there? Do you want to come up?

Starting point is 01:57:20 Come on up, come on up. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Come on up! And that's how it is. He's scared, he's single too. You can come up though, you've been, I mean, you've been emailing me for weeks. You can, you absolutely can it's intimidating up here it's scary but congratulations

Starting point is 01:58:00 I really saw people it wasn't you it was you guys I literally saw people being like, are you pregnant? And last but not least, because Chicago was incredible, we have a confession that blew everyone away, especially Chris Cummins. So enjoy. Okay, this next part is the confessions. Yeah, everyone put their seatbelts on. So enjoy! You're gonna see why. Oh god. This first one. I basically turkey basted my child. And now I have a beautiful life married to the father. Basically, I was in love with this guy.

Starting point is 01:58:56 I knew before we even met on our first date. Call me naive, but it felt like fate. About three to four months in, he wouldn't commit, but I didn't want to stop seeing him. One night we were hammered. After we did the deed, he put I saw it in the box and gave it to my intrusive thoughts. I took the used condom and squeezed all I could onto myself. It was like a go-kart. That's not how you do it, Sam. Sam, that's a sa-

Starting point is 01:59:59 I had no idea it would work. I didn't even know- You must've thought it would work. I didn't even know I thought it might work. Otherwise, I don't know why you're doing that, just for shits and gays. You're not doing the dirty stuff, are you? Do it for the pod. I didn't even know where in my cycle I was. I was just like, haha. Can you imagine?

Starting point is 02:00:23 I was so drunk when I did this that I forgot I had even had this mental break moment. Well, imagine. Because I missed my next period. At first, he was an asshole. Obviously, shock and fear was apparent. We agreed to get to know each other and just take things slow. Eventually, he was spending the night, more than not. Was a parent we agreed to get to know each other and just take things slow Eventually he was spending the night more than not he moved in by the time I was five months pregnant He was telling me he loves me before I ever voiced it we fell more and more in love We had our child and have been together since we've had more kids have pets

Starting point is 02:01:11 Do homes or don't have a home do homes, or no, have a home, do vacations, we do homes, we have followings of deeply love and are each other's best friends. I have not told a single soul about this because I know it would crush everything. He's the best father, partner, friend, but he would never trust me again. So here goes. I won person, I'm telling you. Won. She knew it was on here though, right? I mean it was pretty clear on the form what was happening. She missed the instructions. She thought she was just talking to you. what was happening. She missed the instructions. She thought she was just talking to you.

Starting point is 02:01:52 I used to have this fear when I was in my, you know, my New York phase. You know, I've talked about it on the show a few times. I think a lot of people have this too. Well, I often would find something to put it in and leave with it because I was too nervous and I'm not gonna be the guy that flushes because I don't want to fuck all the shit up. I dated a guy that flushed and every single time I was like you live too close to the beach that is going into that ocean for sure. Yeah so now is that why the ocean's so salty? Yes, that is why. All that comming. No that's why Drake pours hot sauce into his...

Starting point is 02:02:26 You know what I mean, right? Oh my god, no, I... Oh my god, that chicken would have come out extra spicy. Wow. It was the same thing though. I had a friend who like, everyone thought he was like perfect. Like just literally, they would call him like Ken Doll. And he... I think I talked about this on the podcast, but like he

Starting point is 02:02:46 till this day will leave with his condoms. They'll never ever let them stay in the girls garbage can and Honestly, he's so smart. They're so cute! Your chivalry is not dead. Make a mess and take it with you. I thought he was so crazy for that, now I'm like, nevermind. Nevermind, indeed. Up next... I don't know, how do you follow that?

Starting point is 02:03:15 Trust me, I mean, you've got to catch that. My husband found out his dad is not his dad. He wanted to keep it a secret, but I told my sister-in-law, who's at the show, and she then told her husband. She, of course, told brother-in-law, and he found out his dad also isn't his dad. No one has confronted the parents about this, found out they're sperm donor babies.

Starting point is 02:03:43 Can't talk about this live, but email me if you want the full story. Everyone in Chicago is connected, and we don't want anything getting back to the in-laws. What? A pair of blue balls. What? Yeah. It's like it's turning into like Maury or Jimmy Springer or whatever. You really? Like it's, it's too hot takes has now become paternity test for like, something's happening

Starting point is 02:04:19 here. This is wild. Y'all are dirty birds here in Chicago. No. Thank you guys so, so much for joining me on this episode. I know it's not traditional. I know it's a little different than what we usually do and audio quality might not be up to my usual par, but thank you so much for being here.

Starting point is 02:04:38 And again, if you want more traditional episodes, more crazy Reddit stories. Come over Patreon. We basically have three full bonus episodes this month because I did an extra bonus episode for the unhinged tier and coming in October, we are going to have more live show content. There's so, so many more amazing stories that we read. Every story on this last tour was just insane, made even more insane by you guys all reacting. So again,

Starting point is 02:05:06 hope to see you out on tour and thanks for joining me this week. Until next time, bye.

Two Hot Takes - 184: Live, Laugh, Live Show..

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