Two In The Think Tank - 153 - "THE DRUCE SLUICE" with JACK DRUCE

Episode Date: October 16, 2018

A heartful of gratitude to the wonderful Jack Druce for tanking with us this episode. Check out his twitter @Jackdruce and his website for other excellent Druce contentBreathing Through Drowning, Patreocean, LKS, Helium Foods, Nobel Prize for Chicken, Early Game Sledging, Tar AnonymityTITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag.And you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtbAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereAcute thanks to George Matthews for producing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit,bit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, derbit, me, back my dog, back my dog, back my dog, back my dog, back my dog, I like the songs at the start, but I think the music I like has a storytelling element. Normally, and they start songs, don't normally do that. Yeah. That was a song called, where a guy stole someone's dog and hopped right on a plane, and the person loved their dog, but not enough to buy a ticket to board the plane. Wow. I mean, see, this is why it's great to be able to hear the story from the artist like the story behind the story

Because my interpretation in my head was that for some reason they were also being told they'd have to buy a ticket for the dog And now I realize that that makes that makes no sense at all, but but that was the way I took it I just thought oh this is a bit quirky, but I realized that well you're telling it makes so much more sense There's so much more depth see I I thought it was good hearing the story from the artist because I didn't know there was a story. Yeah. The only words that I heard was, I didn't buy a ticket like that.

And that would have been enough for me. I want you to know that you brought more than was necessary. Oh, great. So there's storytelling, and then there's storytelling telling, which is where you tell people that you're telling a story. And that's kind of quite an important part we're learning because otherwise they might just think it's unrelated words.

Especially if they weren't listening, but they love storytelling. They love storytelling. They love storytelling. Yeah. But if you can give them a heads up, that a story might be happening. Or had happened. Yeah. So for a cup of an ask you to repeat it. But I won't listen.

Maybe. But they just like the idea that a story was told. Is it interesting that jokes don't work if you have to explain the joke? But stories only work if you do explain the story. Is a story not just explaining what the story is? I mean, it could be mostly visual. But then really you're just translating the story from visual into auditorium. Yeah, but he very seen Wally. Yeah, it's mostly visual, man. No, we're telling that story.

Anyway, you're listening to Two in the Thing Tank, the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas. And with us in the tank is friend of the tank and Alistair. And you. You had a special way you wanted to introduce the guest. You talked about it beforehand. You made a big deal of it. Oh, he's internet celebrity Jack Drew.

Yeah, that's right. Thank you. I've only never planned it. Oh, that's great. I was thinking about this in the way, and I think I've brought both good and evil to this podcast in my free-foot appearances. Because I think I started the idea of going through the sketches and saying which ones ants would like.

Yes, I love listening to that. I'm a huge fan of that. But I think I also started the tradition of using the three words to fuck with you guys. And I'm so sorry about that. I didn't mean to do that. I think that's OK. Hey, it's been OK.

People have stopped fucking with us recently. I'm with the three words. Sometimes we just fuck with ourselves. Yeah. We come pre-fucked. So sometimes the words that fuck with us unfuck us, and then where we're just guys, you know? Unfucked guys.

Yeah. Yeah. So thank you for coming on here, Jake, as you've had in the past so many podcasts. Yeah, it's not so much a compliment, it's just not being able to stick to doing things. I mean, you're a walking podcast graveyard. I am, yeah, yeah.

I look through, I see the gusts of all in this room, the gusts of all the podcasts I've ever tried, I look through those ghosts. Your podcast is lit with corpses. Yeah, yeah, it's a real audio graveyard. I think it's like you were, because you like podcasts and you think I should do one. And then you do one and you forget that, like, well, these take work and also people don't listen to them right away. You got to do them for a while before people start listening. And then I know where they factor on this at all.

Well, I think we've had one advantage over you in that regard is in that you listen to our podcast. So we've always had at least one listener that we can count on, you know, like a rock-solid, you know, even when you stop listening, when you stop recording podcasts, though it's still, still listen. Yeah, yeah, I would open up your page on the iTunes thing and I would just imagine what you might be saying. Well, could you tell us one of the sketches

that you imagined? We might have come up with a save us a lot of trouble. Food aquarium. Well, there you go. So it's you go to a place let's say a restaurant and there's an aquarium there and in there there's like animals and stuff like sort of aquatic ones and you get to pick which one you want and then they'll cook it in the back. Yeah yeah that's a good sketch idea. What about this though? You go to the aquarium and you see all the fish and so on being fed in their aquatic environment and I reckon a lot of the time you get a little jealous of them being able to just sort of swim around, swim through a school of food with their mouth open and just take it all

in. Right? But then you go to the cafe and you just sit down at a table like a fucking idiot, while people bring you food on a plate and you cut it up with your human hands and eat it. You know, I reckon the cafeteria should just be a big pool that obviously they drain relatively frequently. And then they toss in your burger and chips

and you sort of swim through. They pour a long black into the water that you can kind of gradually absorb into you through your gills. Or at least through your eyes. Yeah. The gills are the eyes of the body, aren't they? The gills are the eyes,

I mean the eyes are the gills of the body? That's what I said. Well, they don't necessarily help you breathe, but... No, but they do flap. That's true. They do flap. And they are kind of moist, like I imagine a gill is. And they have, I think, probably like pretty narrow membranes between, we're all about

the narrow membranes on this podcast. And the narrow membrane between like the blood supply, you can see the blood vessels in the eye, the eye reckon you could breathe through your eyes. You could just rip open your chest and put some slits in your lungs. Yeah, yeah. Eric and that's probably what the gaps between the ribs are for. They're just there for cutting slits in your lungs and then you become aquatic. All this time we've been looking at like reams of stamps with those perforations,

those gaps between the stamps and it's never occurred to us today, we've got kind of little gaps between our ribs. What do we can tear along those lines? And I understand water has oxygen in it anyway. So if you fill the lungs with water, there's a bit of oxygen in it. Surely it must be getting something. Yeah, yeah.

I think this is exactly, like this is why you drown, right? Not because your lungs are filled with water, but because there's no way to get the water out of your lungs, I think. Or it's too late to learn how to get the water out of your lungs. Yeah. So really a lot of it is a sort of a culture shock, the shock of the new and the stress of learning, which like as you get older is very, you know, confronting for a lot of people having to adapt to a new lifestyle and that sort of thing. And I think a lot of people probably just give up because they don't want to change. That's what a lot of that's what's 90% of drown.

Yeah, where if you're when you're young, fear of change, if you put in the effort when you're younger to chop your lungs open, like, gills and really, like, preemptively drown yourself a bit when you're younger to chop your lungs open like gills and correct really like preemptively drown yourself a bit when you're younger. Yeah, just a bit though. Yeah, just to build up an immunity to drowning. Well, you know how some people can skull liquids or beer or whatever like that by just opening up their throat.

But what if you just learn to open up your esophagus and just let loads of fluid in like that into your lungs? up your esophagus and just let loads of fluid in, like that into your lungs? Is it esophagus, the air one? No, that's the water again. That's the food food again. Sorry. I mean, the air esophagus, the air. Esophagus.

Esophagus, air esophagus. Yeah. And then you learn to open that one up, let water all the way into your lungs and under control So maybe near some kind of Water breathing sensei and then they show you how to expel it out or they tip you upside down or whatever it takes I mean if it takes tipping you upside down. This isn't gonna be a sustainable swimming Strategy, I know, but that's you know, know, that's how you start. Maybe there's a game. Maybe you can just like sort of push your chest in or like flex your packs or whatever. Get out of the pores or something. I like, I like just a little slit, just a

sluice at the bottom there, just sluice it through. Yeah. I reckon it could, we could call it the Jack sluice after you. The Drew sluice. The Drew sluice. The boys always watered. They have a loose name after the boys. It's been a real dream of mine. So the water just goes straight through and you're fine. Is that the yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, what a bit. Because there's like those free divers who can be underwater for an absurd amount of time. And even them, they're just holding their breath. Yeah, I feel like that's not the only thing they do. They probably have other jobs and families and things.

If you could really commit to whatever they're doing to build up the gun underwater that long, if you doubled down on that, and that was just your full-time thing, was just being underwater. Yeah, you'd get there pretty quickly. Yeah, I guess you could so because you have to find a way to monetize it unless you're just literally trying to become a sea creature. Yeah. Where you just want to keep your mouth open and catch small plankton and things like that? Is that what you're suggesting? I think that's the dream of you can survive on the water air-wise. And then I think once you get that down, food, what do whales have?

Where there's the, some whales have the, is it, it's like a sieve in their mouth? They just plow right through the, Baileen. Baileen, yeah. Yeah. I think, uh, I think it's stuck in their Baileenlein or does the Bae-lein act as some kind of... I'll take you through it if you like. I love that. So they open the mouth real, real wide. They take in all of the krill, and then they close the Bae-lein, leave the lips open, I assume they have lips, and they use the tongue to push all the liquid out

through the baline, so like a filter, right, and all the little krill gets trapped on the inside, and then they lick it off, suck it down. But I'm gonna be like sucking it out of a mustache, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah! But an internal mustache. Yeah, well this is, we've definitely spoken about the internal mustache, because that's how we came up with the idea of a reverse Tom Selik. Okay. If you feel like the the krill maybe have a small bit of false hope when they're being pushed out of the mouth like they get gobbled up and then the time they're like,

oh, it doesn't want to eat us at all. We're free. Yeah. And then the doors shut. Yeah. I mean, it's very cruel if God is given krill hope. Yeah. But I mean, maybe it needs that for, because I mean, I imagine that the Bailein isn't a perfect filter for stopping all the krill of getting out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And maybe if you were sort of the either God or the process of evolution, it would be maybe important to have krill feel hope, so that the ones that did get out could learn something from that and teach the other krill, maybe become some kind of shame and krill. Create a religion. Create a religion that keeps them away from the surface and then you get these kind of bottom dwelling krill that are safe, safe krill. That's what when you assume that they are safe down there and not near the surface for some reason. Well near the surface or wherever,

like do whales get krill from mostly the surface? I think there's just... I think sort of anywhere in the water column they can get krill, wherever krill resides a picture of whale will get there they can swim real deep but not that deep you're right not as deep as ours talk no, you're imagining krill

they are not quite that deep I imagine it could just be on the whale threshold I'm not sure you're imagining Krill, they are main on B, not quite that deep. I was imagining it could just be on the wild threshold. I'm wondering whether you're imagining it, obviously you're imagining it within the wild threshold. I'm imagining it without it. I mean, look, you're being silly, but clearly, clearly I was making an argument so that there was an exception, right?

There's even the point, you know, that it would be reasonable for some Krill to have hope of avoiding these whales. Right. We at least have some hope. I don't think they need hope though. I think to do everything you've described, I think all they need is fear, right? Fear of this happening to them again. I know, but sometimes a near death experience give me gives you shamanic ability. That is definitely true. And so maybe this little krill or plankton could find other substances in the water around it and that are psychoactive for krill. This is really exciting. Maybe like jellyfish, fish, raisa juice or something like that. Anyway, I don't know. I'm just saying that there could be some krill that live outside of the boundaries of where whales live

Or you know even just hanging out near big rock spikes Yeah, where whales aren't gonna risk scratching their their size It's true and they are a lot like a balloon and I think if I was a whale I wouldn't be 100% confident that I couldn't burst. A bay, a bay-loon whale. Mmm. The words are very similar.

Very similar. Do you think the person, I think from the whale point of view where they work a lot with vowels, they probably would notice that kind of a thing. It'd be very funny to a whale. The similarity of bursting. Well do you think burst or they'd get like just a little, you know, like when you release the air on a balloon it goes, and like flies all around the room. Plankton flying out. Yeah, all around the Atlantic.

Yeah, yeah, just if you see a whale get punctured and then it just kind of flies out of the water and loops around the few times. That's a birthday party or something. Maybe the answer to why they beached themselves. It seems so illogical, but it's to us. To us, but if they were just sort of, you know, there was the air escaping from them that flung them onto the beach. But then I think it's the mass beachings

then that we can't explain, because surely they're not all mass-scoring. Yeah, piercing on spike inks. Do we have any, is there anything down, Elisabeth? I've written breathing through drowning. I think you could get a,

I reckon if you or I or anyone started a Patreon or a Kickstarter to get us living underwater. We're talking about how like this has got to be a full time thing. You know, there are people who are like, look, I just want to focus on my art. I don't have time to work and that sort of thing. It's so important.

And if you've got a good following, you've got a good Twitter, present, social media or whatever, people get on board with that shit, right? And they just don't let you like 10 bucks, 50 bucks a month, and then you're sweet. What do you want? You want just like a, or you just live streaming it at all times? I guess you have a GoPro on top of your hair do or something, and I feel like I respect

just insanely courageous and also vague and possible goals more than I respect just being a diligent artist. I think if you were because scrolling through Patreon and there's a lot of I want to keep just artists and filmmakers who just like I want three dollars a month or whatever to keep doing this versus just someone who a very strange person who I've no idea what they're about and I'm like we should be able to live in the water five dollars a month. No questions asked, I'll get it happening. It would, yeah. And so I am just going to keep trying

until I can absolutely survive on my own, essentially not need your donations. So but then they have kind of an incentive to not ever be able to live underwater because... To keep the donations coming. Yeah. Well, I think once you are living underwater, you're probably still going to need donations,

I guess, to maintain your website. I guess for batteries, somebody's going to keep bringing your batteries. Batteries for your camera? For your camera, so that your live streaming, Patreon, on link. Yeah. You know, because I guess, because you can breathe underwater, you will probably have to just come up every sort of two, three hours like a whale, but not for air. You come up for batteries. For batteries? Yeah, yeah. And to maintain a social media presence. Yeah. Probably some of the, I guess the people who were donating to the Patreon themselves

can't live under the water. So any of the re-worten graces... You do re-worten graces? ...would probably involve you coming up and, you know, like, squirting some water in their face. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

20 dollars a month, I'll squirt water directly from my blow hole into your face. Whenever I feel like it's not a thing you can plan on. It just surprised you with the blast of water in the fall. Well, I mean, you have some control over it because presumably it will only happen when you buy the seashore. Yeah, yeah. So. Or in a dinghy.

Okay. I guess you might be in a dinghy a long way from land, so you're nowhere near the sea shore. Yeah, yeah. Correct, Alice. I mean, the dinghy is a very short, sort of a, a shore. Well, I'm not for- For simmity.

You know again, Andy, if I had said it, why would I mean that? Yeah. I mean, why would I mean that, that part, that makes it, me, look stupid. So you don't mean the part that makes it me look stupid So you don't mean the bit that makes you look stupid you mean the bit where you're alone in a dinghy in the middle of the ocean Yeah, you don't look stupid. Well, that's not me. That's the person in the idea Who's idea though? Hey, who's idea my good idea

Who's the idea though? Who's the idea? My good idea! Can't have them, but they should have put the word good into that. I don't know if that was just, it wasn't positive spin, that was just what it was. Yeah, I think there's, there's like a small window of, of like uncertainty within a statement. I think both times we filled that gap with you being crazy.

That's fine. We shouldn't have done that. I don't think I'd fill it with being crazy. I think I filled it with you being just uninformed. Yeah, just not really knowing much about dinghies. Well, I want to tell you that I wasn't 100% sure of the context I was suggesting my idea into, but I think I defended myself really well. I didn't tell you honestly.

The context was a hostile one, and it will continue to be so until the podcast wraps up when we both die holding hands in episode 200. I hope we die podcasting together by the way. Yeah, that is so good for our family. So they could hear the final moments. Find out what. Can you, we just talked about this before. Can you add that to one of the Patreon tears? Or it's like you get the side tank and all the different stuff, but then it's $100 a month.

You can hear us die together? Well, I think it'll be like in the, it's like, in the present day, obitaries are all, he died surrounded by friends and family. But I think in the future, it'll be, he died surrounded by friends and family, but I think in the future, he died surrounded by patrons. Those who... Subscribers.

Yeah, and subscribers. Or he died and you can hear it if you add $13 to his Patreon, which will go to his estate, which will be spent on maintaining the Patreon. I never want my Patreon to die. Yeah. Live on, on after me. They say you die twice once, when you die, and once when people finally remember to unsubscribe to their bank details from your Patreon accounts. Anyway, Patreon.com forward slash. To Intank.

To Intank, what is it? Do we know? To Intank. To Intank. So for bringing the mood down by talking about both of you dying. Yeah, and people unsubscribing from our Patreon. Yeah, I mean, do we know if that was the saddest one? I mean, yeah.

That really made me go deep inside myself. I feel like, yeah, this is, where are we at? Because I was about to launch on a new thing I was thinking about. I can always go back, we can go forward. I like, it's a non-linear. It's sort of a 3D movement thing. It's kind of like living underwater. Yeah. We can go up, we can go down.

Speaking of living underwater. Yeah. Because I was just thinking about people living forever, which I don't know as much about science as you guys, but I always hear little things about, you know, altering DNA or there's a thing about... What does it look like? Zombie cells, you read about zombie cells? I don't know about zombie cells.

You're gonna get rid of them, zombie cells. You gotta flush out them zombie cells. That's the new frontier. What is the one you were gonna say? There's a thing, exit velocity, is that what it's called or something? Where it's not a escape velocity? Escape velocity in regards to health where it's like you're

We're not immortal, but we're extending the human life by more than a year per year. Yeah I thought was very sick, but what I was thinking about was you just have to live long enough for the next revolution in life-lengthening technology. Yeah, yeah. Which I would be very stressful for the scientists, I feel like. When we're guys, we've got to get another six months on this. Because the 178-year-olds are banging their door out there. I mean, not very vigorously. But they're piling up as well. The 177-year-olds are really clogging the car park.

That's a weird one, because I... Yeah, being young in a world where everyone was a model would be a lot to take in. But when you say young, do you mean really? Do you mean young, or do you just mean your body is young, or do you mean you're like... I mean you're like seven. Yes. And your next own neighbor is 200 million years old. What do you talk about? Because I don't, I struggle to talk to like, you know, someone in their 50s.

We have so little in common already. Someone two years older than me. Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of like, do you remember this show? It's like, ah, not really. Where if you're talking to like, do you remember this show? It's like, not really. Where if you're talking to like, do you remember the, did you like the Beatles? It's like, I've been alive since time started.

I've seen societies rise and fall. I was, was that, did that take place under the yellow sun? Yeah. I enjoyed the yellow sun, if that's what you're referring to. But everything else is just a flicker, passes like a flicker.

I wonder how full your brain would be after like even just a thousand years where you're like, I'm sorry, I just can't fit anything else in. What was your name? Like that? Yeah. Yeah. Trying to remember like that. That's the, because that is a threshold

that I guess we haven't met yet, right, because there are people who are like 120 who are still sharp and whose brains aren't yet like so full of information that they are just totally rendered useless. So there, but there's, there would at some point be a threshold of the amount of information that can be held in the human brain. I mean, I'm not great at remembering things as it is, so I reckon I'd be okay. I just sort of cycle through. But I wonder if there is a threshold, because isn't it just making connections? I guess it's just always going to be, they're small enough that there's going to be loads

in loads of space forever. You reckon? Maybe. I guess at some point there'll be like some weird rewiring, like some weird stuff sort of overlaps or But I think that's fine. That's where creativity more creative Hey, you reckon those 200,000 year old people are gonna be real creative probably I mean, I'm a little like Yeah

Similar, I thought of a thing to do with that escape velocity But you kind of experience something like escape velocity like that But when you're eating something that's really Delicious, but it's so big and you're doing it, but you like you're so full But then you feel yourself get a little bit less full and so then you have another bite Mm-hmm, and then but then you have to wait and you know Well, I wonder what would be the what sort of food you'd have to create to have a low enough density and a low enough like energy content that you can be eating it constantly.

And like you just, you just, you just shit occasionally in piss or whatever, but like there's no break between meals. And there's no break between shit. And there's no break between shits. Yeah, it's just a constant shit. Constant blocky shit. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, it's so great. It's wild to think that there could be anything low-key about constantly shitting. Oh, like they're really proud of it as well. Oh, I'm so sure.

Did you two go to toilet before we started anything? It's like, no, no, I'm constantly low-key shitting. Don't worry about it. What is this, my own wedding? Don't worry, I'll be, I don't need to go to toilet first because I'll be right the whole time. I will be shitting. I will be shitting throughout this.

I'll be shitting and eating. And if I stop shitting or eating at any point, it throws off the balance and I'm fucked after that. But I go. So, so first they're creating a product that you can eat at all times. Right? So that thing is like, you know that conjack very eating conjack? No, what's conjacking?

You can get them in the health food section. It's kind of, I don't look, I don't know what it's made of. I assume it's like a seaweed or something to have. But they make, I tried it first in Taiwan, and it was just kind of like glutinous, it seems like a jube, and you eat it, and it's okay, it's kind of nice texture. Yeah, right.

But it didn't really have much flavor, and then it doesn't really have any calories. Yeah. Right, and now they make noodles out of it, so it kind of seems like kind of like an alternative to like pasta or something like that. But it's only got like 10 calories per 100 grams or something like that.

So it's very low compared to pasta, which is like, this could be perfect. Yeah. Now, they don't have a lot of flavor, but they do have an interesting texture, almost weird. I'm not sure that this product we're creating should have an interesting texture, almost weird. Yeah, I'm not sure that this product we're creating should have an interesting texture. I think it should almost be like a foam

that you can squirt into your mouth. But you're kind of like, it's something that you enjoy eating though, right? Cause that's why you wanna be eating it all the time. I'm like, it's so, I guess so. Yeah, I think like eating feels good and it's a way to do it all the time. Yeah.

That's not really what my vision was when I suggested this to begin with guys, but okay. Yeah, so. Well, I mean, maybe you could have different flavors and that sort of thing, but then you're always just working on something, you got your mouth going, you know, that's all. So also yours wasn't for pleasure, it was just so that it's working.

Just something to do. To keep your mouth busy. To keep your mouth busy. So it doesn't like go and spray paint like local municipality buildings or something. Keep it off the street, keep it busy. Always skateboarding and graffinying. What about a strange noodle?

What a foam that they could constantly be eating. For some reason when you say to a strange, I think you're going to're in a strange mouth, like your mouth has become a strange, it's a great idea. What about it's a, like a, it's a mayor or a government official of some kind, and their solution for like delinquent youths is a type of foam that they can always be eating and also low-key shitting as we've discussed. Well, I think I'll keep them too busy to do any grimes. Now, this is... Crime is down. Crime is down. So my my ideas seem so great so far. They're always eating and constant low-key shitting. I mean, there's a lot more shit in the streets.

But we can follow the trail and get back to the person who did it and then find them. They didn't clean it up. Bring in money for the company. Then they. The company. The company which is the municipality. Oh, it's the corporation now. It's been privatized.

Yeah, that was always going to happen. No, this could be a dystopia like, you know, your Brave New Worlds, your 1984's, right? Because they always have some different mechanism. Butia like your Brave New World's, your 1984's, right? Because they always have some different mechanism. But it's a grave new world. Because things are bad. Yeah. Brave New World seemed confusing, because it wasn't that brave. It was kind of bad.

It was bad. They should have called it grave new world. And I don't know, it's grave world. Grave world? Grave. I would have sounded like, gestures as a spark. They should have called it a grave heart because of all the people who died in battle. That's right.

And he died. Yeah. The name was gonna probably go on a grave. I don't know if they named the title of movies and where the, where the person died at the end of the film. and where the person is at the end of the film. But this could be another way to control the population. If people have to, because there's only just enough energy in this food, then you have

to be constantly eating it in order to survive. And also you're constantly, okay, shit it. And if you're constantly eating, you can't say okay shit it yeah right and if you're constantly eating you can't talk right so you can't plan a revolution to overthrow the corporation that we've established you're running local council you've almost literally invented sheep yes yes sheep all sheep all so you inventing grass is that the food that we're constantly low-key eating? Yeah, but it's a foam. Yeah. Yeah, but it's a foam. It's a foam grass.

It's on the ground, so you've got to be down on all fours chewing it up off the ground. So you can't even really see where the all the important buildings are to plan your revolution. It says the foam instead of like a like just like a squirty bum? No, it's on the ground. It comes out of holes. Like just like a squirty bum? No, it's on the ground. It comes out of holes. No. It comes out of holes at the ground. You got to crawl around.

It's one of those schemes that's so good once it's in place. But at the early stages, before people hooked on the stuff, it's just sort of foam holes. Sure. It's like electric cars. You've got to get the charging stations out there. Yeah, and the economies are still in the network effect and there's got to be a good Short distance between the phone fountain. Mm-hmm. So that I mean or phone holes. I apologize I don't mean to rebrand it already

Uh, and I'm very much on Pushing for by original ideas on this episode. It doesn't matter. Where the riff goes is what's funny, what I was trying to tell you guys. Is what I thought initially. Or came up with since then, I'm not open to suggestions.

So either, we could just write municipality. Yeah, municipality, that's the key word in this whole thing, our stack. Good, a big long word just write municipality. Yeah, municipality. That's the key word in this whole thing Alistair good a big long work like municipality How is this a sketch? I mean, it's it's the best idea I've ever heard of my life, but how is it a well? It's it's it's it could be this municipality trying to exert control over their people. Yeah, and so this municipality trying to exert control over their people. And so luckily the council that is part of the municipality, there's the mayor. And then there's his right hand man who's the head of the council. And then there's this very off at the man, but not in this case.

I know, but this is like, you know, like this sort of deputy. This is a grave new world. Oh, great. It's a... They've even restructured local government. And then there's the left-hand woman. Ah. And she's a food scientist. Yes.

But she's also on the council. And she also is a big fan of holes in the grant. That's right. Yeah. And well, and Gio, she's also a geologist. Yes. And so, and then together, they develop a new way of controlling the city. And the municipality of Rogers. There's a lot of protest.

But they have the numbers on the council and so they push it through and then they roll it out. And then people actually are like quite big fans of the film. Well, it's got a pleasing flavor. It can be pleasing. And I think the so much of my brain is taking up with what I want to eat and when. If that part of my, if some people were the same clothes

every day, like Steve Jobs or whatever, if I was just eating a foam constantly. Yeah, and I guess the way that they can also sell to people is that you don't have to pay for food ever again Which of course some of the you know, it's the price of the foam absorbed in your Taxes and I think you're paying for I think you're paying for it with your rates and with your fines if you're parking tickets and Different things like that. Just feel like the kind of thing that people would Eventually come around to expecting their council to do for them, right? Because we expect the council to maintain the

roads, we expect the council to take around away the garbage. Right? I it's not that far away, you know, they've also got to look after schools and stuff like that. We eventually we're going to expect them to to just have food coming out of the ground. A whole lot of edible foam that we can climb into. Yeah. We just kind of grab a couple of handfuls and scoop them up. And you walk into the next foam hole. Yeah. And then as long as you can. We have water fountains as well.

Yeah, yeah. You know, a foam hole. There's a water fountain. There's a foam hole. You know when you're low key shitting, probably look like an arrow bar. Because it's... Arrow bar. Now which one's the arrow bar?

The one with all the bubbles in it that looks like it's got a bit of green. Oh, but are they green? Are they green bubbles in arrow bars? Peppermint arrow, should I think? Peppermint arrow. Oh, I think I'm going to get a peppermint arrow. Yeah, no, so it's not that. Well, the ones if you were eating peppermint foam. Yeah.

Should have never been a foam region. The fuck? The balls on theero bar people to be like, our selling point is that it's mostly air and we don't give a shit. When I'm trying to trick anyone into thinking that it's gonna be good value and they'll get chocolate and it's mostly air and bubbles. The cheapest thing for a factory to put into chocolate.

Air and bubbles. Yeah, air and bubbles. Do you think there was a debate in the like, in the board room between the guy who wanted to call it Aero and the guy who wanted to call it chocolate O? People don't want chocolate, they want air. You need air to survive. But then also I think they spelled it like Aero as in... Aero playing.

Like Aero playing. Oh right. As in, so like as in it's maybe some kind, like is it, what's the flying word? AV, AV, like no, but like aerodynamically designed. Could be, but I don't know that it looks that way to me, particularly, and it does seem to be mostly full of bubble here. I know, but it does have, you know, it's kind of like, you know, it's got a smooth ending.

It's got, like, it comes in, like, individual chunks, they're kind of like rivets that could have some kind of, maybe lift. I bet that air inside the bubbles tastes like chocolate. Like, there'd be no way that you could ever taste it separate to the chocolate surrounding it. So this is gonna have to remain a theory. But I reckon the air in the bubbles

is pretty chocolatey air. If you got like a syringe and put that into the bubble of an air bar and took a little bit out, and then like a biopsy kind. And then injected that into your own bloodstream. Would you feel cool? Yeah, you'd feel cool. You'd feel pretty cool. I reckon you'd get the chocolate bends.

Yeah. Yeah. So you can't taste things through your bloodstream, but you could, you could, but you could inject it into your mouth, maybe. Into your mouth. Which I think is what he was purposefully avoiding. Yeah, I sort of, I thought I'd say a weird thing. But is this, is this, like, or straining? Could you inject it straight into a taste bud

or something, though, right? Like, is there some, is there a, can you get things more into taste bud than just by absorbing them through the surface of the taste bud? Could you extract all the air somehow if you put it in like a sealed thing and melted it down and then

I reckon it's mushed the air down or something? Yes. I reckon it's the same. I would like to evacuate the tube, like evacuate the thing with the arrow ball, bubble, with the arrow. And then melt it. And yeah. Or you can break yeah, or you can break it

evaporation of arrow bar. Yeah, because what if what if you you get all the arrow out of there? Yes. Okay, so you evacuate it's enough just arrow in a low pressure tube. Yeah, like that. And then you you shake it so that it's banging against the wall and then you're getting cracked. You're essentially cold. What's that seam gas? Oh, yeah, you're fracking. You're essentially fracking the chocolate air out of there. And then you extract it from the top into some test tube

and then you suck on the test tube. Yeah, and I bet that would be low calories, you know? Yeah, with the like. Good chocolatey taste. It's a great way to get the arrow experience. Really the defining feature of the arrow experience, the air. Just the air. Yeah.

And then you leave it all to the other. The other just remains in the bottle. Yeah. And some dump site for scientific waste. And try to throw it in there. It's just right in the trash. You know, some thousands of years from now, some guy will be sifting through garbage and they'll be like looking at, you know, the traces of our civilization and they'll open

it up and they'll go, what's in here? And they'll just, they'll open and go, as he goes, whoa, weird. It's like just sucked air into this thing because it was such a low pressure system and he opens it up and then he looks inside and it's just a crushed up air. It's just a crushed up, oh, pure, oh. And they'll look back on today and think truly we were as gods. I see them so. Is that, I wonder if they've done it with those bubbles in there so that they can then have a lower calorie count on the bar or something, but it still looks like a big bar, but like it doesn't have as much actual stuff in it, so it feels healthy even though it's

just full of air. Yeah. Well, I think that they've done that to a certain extent just so that they can save money on chocolate. Oh, that's also a much more likely logic. But where they've stabbed themselves in the foot. Is that what you do? Stab yourself in the foot? Yeah. Shoot yourself in the foot. You can make it stab yourself, sure. You can drop a knife. It's a free country. That's what they used to say before guns, I would imagine. Of course, when you use a sort of, what's the part that you put at the end of a gun there

with the bayonet? No, it's when you bayonet yourself on the foot. Yeah, but before they had knives, they would have had to say something like you've strangled your own foot to death. Yeah, whacked your foot with a Bronze Age axe age axe. Which is what we call the present. Because now they can't create a light arrow bar. They've left themselves nowhere to go. Well, it's already very light. I mean, they started out by making the most affordable bar. already very light. I mean they started out by making the most affordable bar and now they can't what are they gonna put in more air. If the air in an air bar was not air but

helium do you think it could just float or at least float? I would absolutely. Like if you could get me a chocolate that was like a kind of surprise or something and inside is helium and it floats around the room, right? And then I can chomp it out of the air, you absolutely have my attention. This is back to like being like a fish, right? Because it's food, yeah. Okay, because I reckon it was impractical what we were talking about before about living

as a fish man underwater. Yeah, no, I'm calling it now in hindsight, with the benefit of hindsight, which is 2020, that was a crazy idea with this one, where we just have bigger, hollow of foods with helium inside that float around and we can wade through a school of them and chomp them out of the air. That is absolutely going to work, right? We need to develop a chocolate shell, which is lightweight yet strong enough

to be able to maintain its form and contain that helium. You bite it and then you'll have a squeaky voice. It'll be fantastic. It'll be like eating in space. Yes, like that. And so you go into there, it's a big white room. The waiter brings you in your meal.

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Okay, well they can open up a metal tray thing and then just throw it in. Yeah, like space. Just like space. Okay, well they can open up a metal tray thing and then just throw it in. Yeah, like space. Like in space. This is even more like space than that other description. And then, and then it's all foods that you can have helium. So like, profit rolls. Yes. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're running around you and your friend. It's a date You know you guys are jumping up and down trying to catch Profit a rolls in your mouth. It's the most fun you've ever had What else cross on you reckon we could get a cross on yeah, I think we could definitely trade I mean

Maltesers, I think you could do. Absolutely, a multiser, yeah. Could you fill a snowpeer with helium? Oh, that's hard. Oh, you're getting a little bit of a spaceship there. I was like, it wouldn't look like a snowpeer anymore. It would look like a sugar snap pea. Yeah, that's right. And that's another surprise that you got.

Ah, double surprise. Yeah. What was the first surprise? That there was a floating snowpeer. Floting sugar snap peak. Well, the first surprise is that it's a snowpeak. No, because that's not the first surprise. That's got to be the second surprise.

If we're ranking the surprise, the first surprise is first surprise is a floating sugar snap peak. Is floating food. Yes. Second surprise. Wow, that wasn't the type of PI expect. Yeah. Okay. And then what's the third surprise in? The third surprise is a reunite you with your, it costs $50,000 with your lack of $50,000. Yeah, right. I think they would have to put in the, in the snowpeak.

They'd have to put like some kind of, a sealant so that when you inject like the little metal rod that injects the helium into there. Yeah. There would have to be a fluid in there that then blocks the hole from the inside. Now I think I've heard that you can do that in a radiator if you've got a hole in your radiator by cracking an egg in there.

Right. Like that. So maybe you could just put a little bit of egg in there. Yeah. And then it seals up the hole in that way you can snowpeak and float. Now this crack in a neg idea. Who told you this? I think I saw it on mythbusters. And it did it work? I can't remember.

But that's crucial. Surely it working or not working would be that a radiator is hot and cooks the egg, which makes it firmer than it is when it's... So this has to be a real hot... It's got a piece of soapy that's a heat of a radiator. It could be. It could be. It's a floating food restaurant, but it's a BICRUM floating food restaurant. It's a real hot.

Or, like we're trying to find cold fusion to do fusion at room temperature, mucleophusion, maybe we need to research a way to do cold cookdecks. Right? Yeah. That could be the next thing. Once they've sorted out cold fusion, let's look at a cold cooking. Feels like you could just add a chemical to eggs and it should change. Probably vinegar?

Huh? Vinegar? Drinking it's vinegar? No, because you cook eggs in vinegar when you're poaching them and then that when you put them in they don't immediately get cooked. Not using enough vinegar. That's possible. That's possible vinegar.

I mean, I know that they use lime to cook fish in South America. See? I really. I reckon. But I don't really get to really cook. I think it gets chemically treated in some way. Well, it's never going to be really cooked

if you're just doing the chemical enlust here. Well, then, that's not why. And I don't want that. I want it to be really cooked, but at room temperature. But with a chemical. But. Yeah I wanted to be really cooked, but at room temperature. But with a chemical. But it's really cooked. But it could be an endothermic reaction. Which is a hot reaction.

Yes, it is. Yes. Or is that nexothermic reaction? Probably exo. Yeah, man. Wait, okay, we didn't think of other foods that could float. Um, Eric and, uh, peanut still in the shell. Oh yeah, I think that's too, I don't think there's enough space to get the, enough helium

in there to make that float. I feel like peanut shells are, if you think of it just a peanut that you eat versus one when it's got that big, like, woody shell. I feel like they're not efficient at all in how they're maintaining the individual nuts. I feel like there's a bit of room to fly around. No, there's definitely rattle root. Rattle root.

But, and that shell is quite light, isn't it? Like, it's always very, you know. It's like you could make model planes out of peanut shell wood. Is that what bolster wood is? Yeah, it's peanut shell. Peanut shells, just crushed peanut shell. You could engineer a peanut that's got enough space in there, just has a tiny nut, but big air, like it just looks like one of the Mongol fie's hot air balloons.

And those guys, the Mongol fie's, they're the people who invented the hot air balloon. So that's why the French word for hot air balloon, I think, is just a Mongolphiee. Really? I think so. I can't remember. And also, I guess puff of fish, right? Puff of fish. Although you probably wouldn't be able to like eat them, chop them, but you could put

the air into them, they're floating around the room and it'll contribute to the experience of what it'd like to be a fish. I think it's also you can only eat a very small part of those. Right. The Simpsons episode has taught me anything. So there's like those top Japanese chefs that are the few that know how to prepare it, and even amongst them,

there's even a small portion that know how to prepare the puff of fish while it's floating around them. And I think that's what's going to be so good about this restaurant. It's going to be one of those ones where they cook in front of you, like that. But with the hot, then there's hot plates all over the place. The walls, there's all hot plates. Ah, great. Like that.

And then the roof is a hot plate. That's why the egg cooks in the shell. Yeah, yeah. In the, in the, in the pea. Mm-hmm. Yeah. In the shell of the pea. Yeah. Yeah. I mean in the in the pee. Mm-hmm. Yeah, Michelle of the pee. Yeah. We Yeah, I mean that's rock solid that idea checks out on

Helium foods restaurant. I think if you did that you they would make an episode of chef's table about you You're fucking nice. I mean what does it take to get an episode of chef's table? Yeah, I've got hover and foods here I again, you could be you could make the worst quality food of any episode of chef's Table. Yeah. I've got hover and foods here. Again, you could be, you could make the worst quality food of any episode of Chefs Table, and they'd still give you one. You wouldn't need to try hard at all. Well, even if you could do it, you know, like chips, you know, like chips sometimes have that bubble in them. You know, you get something you buy chips,

and then you go, wait, this chip bubbled. Like that. What sort of chip do you mean? Oh, you mean crisps. Crisp, yeah. Yeah, great. I mean, you mean crisps. Crisp, yeah. Right. Like a regular chip. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, they get that bubble in it. Well, if you could engineer for them all to be bubble chips, then you could just go there just to eat chips. He goes, oh, it's just a chip restaurant. And then they can just sprinkle powder on it because that's not heavy. Yes.

So they're floating around. The bubble chips. So they're floating around. They're floating around. You go in, here you go, there's two bags of chips. You and your date, we're gonna go around, you chips out of the air. So you open the bag, all the chips float out. Yeah. It's fantastic.

You know, and you've had a really fun time. You're both like, you're somewhere between a bird and a fish. Yeah. You know, you guys could dress as whatever you want. Bird or fish But dad just step ladders all over the place and kick some of this chips get stuck around really soft So if you jump off a ladder thinking you can fly Yeah, so immersive experience. Yeah people forget right, but they'll be fine

They don't hurt themselves when they hit the ground. That's right. Yeah, so it's like a kids playground But my voice will be so high pitched you probably sound like a bird as well for more the helium. Yeah, or your burps will be so high pitched I'm not sure if a stomach full of helium has the same effect as a lung full of helium Something that science could perhaps look into for it. Well, I'll have to Yeah, or they won't have to we'll we'll work it out food will look into it for us science can take the day off Because cuisine is here. How great would it be if a chef got a Nobel Prize for science? That is so good. And nerds, I don't know, make any food. Yeah, I hate them. Scientists winding up with the science awards.

And imagine if he or she got it for just roasting a chicken. So well though. Yeah. Me, okay. Yes, sure. I guess it would have to be then the Nobel Prize for chemistry, right? Because flavor is chemistry and it would make the most delicious thing. But cooking is physics.

Cooking is physics, right? They could scoop the field. But then chicken is biology. Yes, and the temperature on the oven is maths. Oh, man. So that's a field's prize. Field's mill. And the menu is literature. Yes, I was trying so hard to get the literature.

Not about menus. And Bob Dylan will be there, and he's already got a Nobel Prize. Yes. And a slice of chicken, or a leg of chicken, is a piece. Or a piece of chicken. a leg of chicken is a piece or a piece of chicken. What are they called? Is there a piece thing something? It's a piece of chicken and they could give it to a warring nation and that'll maybe bring peace upon them. No, I think if they only

give them one piece of chicken it would be a struggle. Well, depends. The chicken is. Exactly. They'd have to give give it, put one piece on the border. Border chicken. I'm sorry, Jack, about what we're doing. Oh, no, no, I'm sorry. I, I feel like I should be saying more funny stuff. That's anything. We had a jump aboard Al Alister and I privately.

Just then, just then while we were yelling things about chicken. That was a code. With our eyes. And Andy, I need to speak with you over here. Yelves and things about chicken. Okay, so the people are on their way to give out the Nobel Prize for chemistry, right? And they have the envelope that has the name of Professor Claude Robin Ford, right? Yeah. Professor Claude Robin Ford, who discovered a class of amino acids. Okay. Right.

And his name is in the envelope, but on the way to the podium, they have a volleyball from a tray that's going around, and it's so delicious that they just on the spot agree that whoever made that deserves it more than this stupid, I mean, I'm asked to discover it. Yeah, right. They throw away the envelope on the podium and they announce it and everyone who's had the volavont's cheers. Right, because they agree. I was going to come up here tonight and I was going to give the Nobel Prize for chemistry

to some fruity professor with his Lardidae ideas about molecules that we can't even see. And then I had one of those soft shell crab little patties. Volovon. Volovon's going around. They all tried them that you can see. That you can see and taste and do they taste good.

Am I right? And everyone cheers and agrees. And they, uh, yeah, they can feel like, I feel like afterwards, sort of when they all come to their senses and when the, what the, the Volov ceremony is over. Yeah, when the ceremonies are over and then they kind of have to face these journalists and like what happened in the scientific community, things like that, that sort of, I think there'd be backlash. No, but I think if you've got all the most

eminent scientists in the world are there, right? They're all trying the volevont. I mean, science is built on peer review. You couldn't have a better peer review than all the Nobel Prize winning scientists all trying the same volevont and all agreeing that they're divine. Yeah, but I'm sure someone would say that it wasn't chemistry. Cooking is chemistry Cookies it's old chemicals. Well, I liked that this sketch has has no conflict whatsoever. That's what's It's fine the journalist like good call the person who did invent the molecules was like I didn't have these vulvants myself

But I can imagine they would have been playing a lurch trick for this imagined crab. But it's hard to disagree with so many scientists. Could there be something in like, like, they're being at Nobel Prize, but they open it up to, you know, how I feel like people, whatever their interest is, like doesn't matter what they're doing, could be anything. But if they're sort of a bit good at it,

or they take it seriously, they say that it's like a science. You know, the meal, like for me, you know, Jiu-Jitsu is like a science. And then so that now there's just a Nobel Prize for Jiu-Jitsu or bird watching or anything where you get good enough that you describe it as a science parking parking Love That a thing where your company is like rank number one on Google searches

SCO yeah Ranking is up for the rotation. Yeah, yeah, and so wait. So then somebody just says, I mean, it's really more of a science to me. Like that. And then it becomes a sign and then the then no bell really. Science. Yeah. Well, and then they just open a branch to it. And then they add a category to their. Yeah. And this must happen the same night that people have had these volavones, which I'm starting to think have been laced with something more than just soft shell crab. And the crab it was really off crab meat, because some kind of delusion. I mean this is what's great is that what's happening. So many heavy metals in the, there was heavy metals and a large dose of DMT and LSD. Who's to say?

Who's to say? But because. But because the world's most prominent scientists were there at the time and they all managed to agree on something, that makes that thing true. Yeah. I think that's how science works. Well, because all the other scientists that weren't there and also can't disprove this, this, this,

again, science. Science. Because the, you know, the thing is past and obviously there were no volavance left or, you know, and believe me, no leftovers. They were, that's how good they were. In fact, that's additional evidence, I think, if anyone needed.

The very fact that you can't just prove it is proof. And then the whole Nobel institution is now overloaded with the new categories that they've all agreed upon during the bit. For me, scuba diving is really more of a science. It is! And they're writing it down and all the people the officials are making it official. And they're printing out more Nobel prizes just on the printer and they're just going to be a little certificate now. Everyone gets a little ribbon. Yeah.

They had to just one wild night at the Nobel thing and they woke up in the morning and they were just there. There was a category for everything. And I guess the way things work they probably can't get rid of the categories as well once they've made them. Well then one of the guys starts getting a Nobel prize for coming up with Nobel categories. That should be a prize for that. There it is. More of a science. I think people... Yeah. That's great. Now, that's great, now. That's great.

Have we got three words from a listener? You know what we do. Oh, I'm so happy. Jack, today's listener, who's contributed on Patreon. Yep. Do you want to guess what their name is? Um, Jeff Foxworthy. That's really close. Is it Jack Dress?

No, it's Andrew Wright. Andrew Wright. Yeah, I think you did really good. That's right, I was hoping that was Jeff Foxworthy. Well, Jeff Foxworthy. But Jeff wasn't a man's name. Yeah. And, uh, Wright.

Is it sort of a compliment or a state of being, much like being worthy of foxes? Yeah, and it's spelled right kind of like the right brothers. And they were first to fly a plane, which they did in a field, which had foxes. And they were worthy. That worked perfectly. And that was so close. And it was like watching Leonardo DiCaprio play Leonardo da Vinci in a really well-made film about his process.

Wow. Yeah. Well, three words that we have for today are telephone, train, and hold up. Telephone, train, hold up. Is telephone train, is that like a phenomenon, like thing where you, is this person sending us a pun? Is it telephone train where you've got to like call like say you've got to get everyone down to the old mill like you're all members of the country fire authority and there's the old mills on fire and you have a telephone train where you like to call

one person they call the next telephone tree telephone tree sure sure We've all gotten trains and trees confused at our time In our time yeah, oh well they're good for me, yeah, but telephone train could be where you Want to talk to somebody and then you get on a train. Yes, and then when you arrive at their house The train in a many ways acted as a telephone. Right. I mean, a telephone could also be an old form of communication that predated the telephone where they did have the train, and what you would do is you would hire really talented vocal impersonators, and you would just say a single word to them and they would

leap on a train and go to Manchester, right? Say the word to the person you're in a conversation with and they would say a word back to the impersonator, they'd come back from Manchester down to Hartley Pool and say say their word back to you and it would be like you were having a conversation, except one where people only seem to say one word. That's right. Sentences. It's sentence.

Who is the person impersonating? Each member of the conversation, each person, you know, you're talking to your friend in Manchester, you're in Hartley-Pull. You're having a verbal conversation, right? But instead of going through the medium of a wire, which then uses some magical force to replicate the voice of a little box, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. We're doing it in good old fashioned way with a man doing the voices.

It's like instead of an electrical signal, it's just a man with a terrible job who has to travel across the country That's right. And so it's kind of like one of those chess games where you play over the male. Yeah, but a conversation and Could it be the conversation that you're having while you're playing a game of chess over the male? Could be could be could be could be might be a bit of a boring conversation. Well, I mean, you can talk about other things while you talk about chess. Oh, that's true.

You just chat. Right. And does the person do the chess movements as well for you, Robin? Is that a separate person? I mean, they could wait for the letter to come in. That's true. Because I guess if they, or they could bring the letter

with them. Mm-hmm. That's true. Because I guess if they, if, or they could bring the letter with them. I, I saw a TV show once. I think about this all the time. I'm so angry about it. There was where the character in it was involved in a game of chess with someone. And he didn't know who the person was. And just every now and then little bits or signals or stuff would just appear around his house. Like the person was kind of stalking them a bit and they'd be like a signal so it would

be like, you know, Queen moves to E7 or whatever I made, walk over to the board and move where this mysterious person was communicating the moves to me. But the person who the story was focusing on who was receiving these messages in the chess game He was he was the white pieces and white moves first Which means he's moved one piece with the anticipation of being terrorized by a chess psychopath and it did and Bugs me to this day. Oh Jack. That is the most incredible That you saw that. Yeah, wow. Don't remember what the TV show was,

but I remember that happening. I mean, you could do that. You could do that with your life and just kind of look for signals somewhere. Yeah. Like just kind of go, I'm going to start a game of ghost chess. Yeah.

And then you could move the white piece and then I'm gonna let God, you know, or a ghost give me signals. And then you just have to, however you read the signals, that's where the pieces go, you know? What you're describing though is a fact, like such a great little tidbit or like little clue that would play out in a Sherlock Holmes mystery

or something like that, like the fact that whoever moved first, I mean, yeah, I love it, I love it, a little tidbit, little, little clue. Is the telephone train holding up? Thank you. I wonder just to go back briefly to my crazy impersonator, my trouble is that we're having, we're finding it a little bit boring. So we gotta find a way of livin' it up.

Sure, I'll just get, okay, sure. I'm sorry you're finding it boring. I'm sorry. But all I'm saying is, and I think it's fun, by the way. I think it's so fun. Yeah. I'm having a great time. Oh, you can tell because you're saying that it's fun.

But it is also that conversation that you have while you're having that chest game over the mail. I'm definitely spaced it up with that chest game. Yeah, sure. Is like what they have now where people are online playing Fortnite or whatever. I've never played a game online so I don't know. But isn't everyone always just like talking the most obscene disgusting stuff to each

other and like making each other want to commit suicide and that sort of thing in the chat that they have on those games? It's a bit of that. Yeah. I just think like like like like a bit of that real toxic male chess culture. It would be interesting. Because I think a lot of the things in the world right now is that people are being so horrible to each other where they kind of, in a way they couldn't because you were less anonymous in the past.

Now it's like totally anonymous. You can really go real out there with how fucked you are as a person. Sure. So this is like an early pre-technology just in chess matches where people wanted to get really get their horribleness of their personality and talk shit to each other. They couldn't do a face-to-face chess match. Yes. Does that mean that you have to just send your guy out and

impersonate her out to find somebody play a really long-term piece of a game of chess. It has the bench space for just having a game of chess on the go for the next six to seven months. Yeah, waiting for somebody to show up on the train and yell abuse at them. And then make a single chess move and then wait maybe several weeks again before it happens. Well that's right. So they also have to not be fragile that they'll retreat back to their loneliness where they're

probably quite comfortable. And they have to have a lot of free time so that they have to be by the chestboard or whatever and they're not going to miss this person who presumably wouldn't want to show up and then have to wait around for several days stewing on the abuse that they're supposed to deliver. But then again, you know, sitting around stewing might be a nice break from all that travel. All the travels. All those frame journeys they're taking. You could, another way to do, to create this kind of effect would be some kind of ye oldy

sort of box that you would go and sit in. Maybe there'd be a curtain drawn across across the chess board or it would be dark and in some way and you could you could just sort of abuse the people that you're playing it. But I guess it's playing chess in a dark and not being able to see the pieces it'd be pretty. I mean, I guess just trying to find older, old-timey forms of ways of anonymously abusing people is kind of a fun thing. Maybe you used to go to tar pits and cover yourself in tar and walk around instead of just abuse each other, but because of the tar you can't move super fast and hurt each other. Well, tar was in some ways like a technology just like the internet that was discovered and was quite useful. And then, you know, as with any technology,

people find a way to use it to harass and to hurt. And, you know, amongst them would be the people who cover themselves in tar and then use the veil of an anonymity that tar offers to cyber bully teens. You're sitting in your house, minding your own business, doing your homework as a teenager. Yeah, a man covered into toe and toe. Lumbars up to your house and crawling from a tar pit. Well, that's like,

tar is pretty hot as hell, is it? Like, cooking and screaming. Yeah, it gets so in there. Hey, wiggling. Hey, fuck you. And then for you, we run back to the carpet. We're running to go grab a shower. The child, of course, is so caught up in this,

doesn't tell their parents, and nobody knows what they're going through with this sort of online. Online's not the right word, but whatever it was of the time, experience, it's so traumatic. I guess suit of armour on the battlefield would have offered a similar kind of a thing, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. And what they never talk about the verbal bullying and those sword fights. And how toxic, how toxic those some medieval battles were.

Yeah, because of the anonymity which gave them that bravery that they needed to say really, really quite hurtful things that they would never have said face to face. It's amazing the hurtful things you can say while you're sort of cutting into somebody's abdomen with your battle axe. If anything, it was the harsh words he delivered that hurt the most. Is what he would have said if you had had a chance to interview him as he was the last few lumens of light left in his eyes? Yeah, this would be a great scene to go in the movie Graveheart.

Yeah. Yes. I think we haven't, guys. Would you like me to run you through these sketch ideas? I'll stay out like you to run through. Breathing through drowning. Now this is a complicated one. What are we going to call it?

Browning? We could call it browning. We could call it browning. We don't have to, we don't have to spend too much time on this, but ants would hate that. You think ants would hate that? Yeah, and ants, I think are, they're drawn to water, are they not? They are drawn to water, I think they like water, yeah.

But then unless they do those fire ants, they, a lot of them can still drown, right? Yeah, I guess maybe they would... But ants don't have lungs, I don't believe, right? Don't they like most insects breathed through tiny little holes in their skin? I'm not sure, but yeah, maybe the idea of all this lung talk would infuriate them. Yeah, I think they would probably think that we were squandering perfectly good lungs. Yeah, by treating them by adding a druss sleuths to the bottom.

The druss sleuths. The spruce sleuths. The druss sleuths. Because most of drowning is just a mere change. This is every time I have to name a comedy festival show, it's just everyone going this... Drus... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce...

Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce...

Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... Bruce... through swallowing into your lungs loads of water, but you need loads. So that's why you got to create a slush down the bottom and push loads and loads of water through. Like your

like I said, a shark whale or a jet ski. Shark whale or whale shark whale shark. A jet or a jet ski. Skige jet. Skige jet. Yeah. Now those are the jets that you put on a regular set of skis. Yeah. You make it go super fast and win the competition. Oh. You want the competition? Well, you know, with your jets, ski jets.

Then there's the person who sets up the Patreon so that they can live underwater. Yeah. Yeah. Effectively, they're kind of like one of these people who it's like a like a digital nomad that just can work from anywhere and they don't have to pay rent because they don't live anywhere. They live in their van or whatever like that. But this is a person who's found a way of getting away from rent costs, food costs, and everything like that by just living fully underwater. But then just makes

a little money on the side by web camming everything that life underwater. And then I can't remember. Sometimes blasting water right into someone's face. Yeah, when they're near the sea side. Yeah, near the sea side or near a dinghy. Yeah. That can be somewhere out in the middle of the ocean. Oh, great.

That sounds unsafe, but anyway. Yeah, but they got washed out there. Yep. Maybe it was a large boat that had thingies on it for side trips. Yeah, and indeed. Side trips to just like a different bit of the ocean.

The ocean, the ocean. Different bits of the middle of the ocean. They're also very close to the main boat as well. Yeah, sure. I think it's also okay to just go on long trips in a deal. It's not okay to do that, I was just really responsible of you to put that kind of message out there on a platform like this podcast. I want everybody's how many kids look up to you. I want anybody who's listening especially if you're really young and impressionable to know that it is fine to just fill up

your dinghy with petrol and just fill it up. You don't even have to go out as far as you can. As far as you can. We're talking the dinghy full of petrol. And just row. You could just row your boat. And gently through the center of the ocean.

Through the center of the ocean. And that is fine. And do do it Fuck I hope this doesn't come back to get us in any way send me a selfie Center of the ocean I did it out now what can I come back? Get safely come back. Get safely. Come back soon in trouble. Then we got constant eating, constant low-key shitting.

That's our product that gets invented by the people who run the municipalities. Yeah, yes. Control the populace and stop. Crime goes down. There's no more loitering outside of shopping centers. But people, yeah, people are just in this constant state of eating because it's nice, but it's foam coming out of holes. Yeah. And people are just walking from hole to hole on the way to work in their holes. Just a metaphor for social media or checking your phone or something like that? No, no, no, no. It's a metaphor for going from whole to whole and eating foam.

Yeah, great. And then having a constant long shit that just never stops. That looks that stream. That wouldn't be that different from an arrow bar. It's true. It would look like a sort of a factory that made Ravioli. They're all connected. Is that Ravioli? Is it? Ravioli are connected when you make them. I guess they must be. I think Old Pastor probably is connected when you make it, isn't it? Not all of it. Oh good. There's some bits that you drop in the bowl.

But not Ravioli. Helian Foods restaurant, best dining experience of your life, can you get on that show? Yeah, yeah. What was it you feel somewhere between a bird and a fish? Some of the points. I imagine when you were talking about that, I was imagining you with one of those sandwich boards sprucing on the strings. Get in here, you feel somewhere between a bird and a fish.

And we always bring him back to Hesse and Blumenthal, but he's always making foods look like other foods. He's never making you feel like a different animal. Yeah, that's right. That'd be great though. If he did that, if he laid off, he's so good. Even if it was just like a plate of bird seed and you had to eat it like a bird, like that, like by pecking at the plate. Does it dress you up in a big bird? Yeah, it gets you a big beak and at the end you can eat the beak. You can eat the beak. It was a Marsapan. It was a Marsapan.

The waiters are constantly showing you out. It's right on the E.R.O.I. Well, I'm just a little bit of a fool. You're better at ducking when the sliding automatic doors are open. Pack a few things off a coffee table there. And this giant people eating at giant tables and your vomit scraps on the other people. You're scurrying amongst a like a sparrow. And the waiters address this cat.

Yeah. They're killing a lot of your friends. Yeah, a lot of people. So it's like somewhere between being a bird and kind of like paintball. Because you know, people are dying around you and things like that. And people love paintball. People love fun dining experiences and birds.

It's perfect. Nobel Prize for chicken or or volivance. And this is essentially we've discovered that there's, I think there's been drugs in the in the thing, but because whatever... The had scientific consensus. Because all the major scientists were, and people of literature, of influence in literature and Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan was there.

He's writing a song about it. And it's so persuasive. It's so persuasive. And it's motivating a generation of people to for a revolution. And the real big times in Bob Dylan's career was sort of like 60s revolutionaries songs and then when he hit some weird crap made in 2018. In 2018, he's re. At the Nobel announcements. And then you change the direction of the world

because the... I think both of those periods would have been pretty psychoactive times for him. Yeah. They didn't realize it was a new type of crab. I think maybe like, they just thought they were fishing out the regular type of crab,

but there would been a split. There'd been a split in the species and one who's meat was psychoactive. There was a new species, but they fished them all, made them into volivants. Fist them all, send them straight to the Nobel Prize ceremony. Well, it looked just like the other ones, the only difference.

Oh, it was just the psychoactive meat. And the irony is that it was the scientists The only difference was just the psychoactive meat. And the irony is that it was the scientists who came out of their shells. That's right, that is the end of the crabs. And the crabs, that was the main reason. They're so shallow, so I think you keep them in the shell. You're right, I apologize. And then we got the early version

of sort of online game abuse, but in chess with one guy who impersonates the other. I think I'm happy to go with the idea that you covered in tar and you're right in the red. Well then we also got the early tar based anonymous abuse. Right. How did people use to announce abuse people anonymous? Well, you'd have to go down to the pit.

Yeah. And the tar pit. You covered up. The lurch out. L go down to the pit. Yeah. The tar pit. You covered up. The lurch out. Lurch out into the village. Yeah. Screaming. Screaming and walking into people.

Peeping through. People's windows yelling at them. You're fucked. You're fucked. How would you feel? I don't think ants would also hate the floating food sketch because the crumbs are gonna be levitating. Yeah, food being where ants are are I can just answer favorite thing. Yes. And to take that away from them.

But I think crumbs would fall off from the mostly air, like the puffy area, especially as you're kind of like trying to catch foods, volavans probably in your mouth. There'd be a lot of stuff bouncing off and falling on the ground. Falling on the ground and the ants would thrive in that environment. Absolutely. Okay, ants would love that. Okay, Ants would love that. So, uh... Boop! Thank you for giving me back my dog. Really appreciate your generosity.

I will treat it well. Well, I don't think that's generosity if they're just giving back a dog that they stole. But it's selfishness if they keep it. They cleaned the dog and gave it back to him. And they gave him an extra dog. Yeah. No second. They said, I'm sorry if I'm doing your dog.

Here's your dog and a better dog as well. Whenever people offer a reward for returning a dog, it's never a better dog, is it? I did sure. That is what they should be on the sign say big reward offered better dog other dogs yeah you like stealing dogs I have found I've stolen a much better dog that's the best way of getting your dog back because unless you just we know these people want dogs that's why they've stolen the dog and the problem is is that you it doesn't matter if it's a shit dog, you love it. The heart wants what it wants, right? Yeah.

So my heart wants a better dog. Well, we know, yeah, exactly because the, the people stealing the dogs, they aren't stealing from a place of, they don't love the dog. They don't have a sentimental. They just want a dog. They want a dog. And possibly they think this is the best dog they'll ever see. So they think I'd better take this dog and then it's just up to you to prove them There are plenty more dogs in the sea and And they're breathing through a drus slush because they're on their way to becoming seals Yes, they're available for dogs She's setting you podcast called Druselus.

I don't know why. But like somebody with a Druselus, it may also die. Get different comedians to talk about their favorite sluice. I really like it. And you can start with as there's any availability on the network. There's no sluice-based podcasts presently, I'm just saying it's a real, you're gaping the market here. So, at the episode talking about

Jack's history of failed podcasts, but we're leaving him with a real winner here. Yeah, I feel like I've had enough failed podcasts that I've figured it all out. And what do I need? And that's Sluices. And I reckon you made me a founder gap in the market. A little slu gap in the market. A little slew in the market.

I don't think there's any slewspon casts. There's a lot of loose podcasts. A lot of loose podcasts. A lot of two talking heads, sometimes three. Hey, and those are the best ones. Thank you so much, Jack. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me.

You're welcome. I'm Jack Truss on Twitter. And you have a newsletter. I have a newsletter that I do where you can find you on the internet. I'm at Jack Drus on Twitter. And you have a newsletter. I have a newsletter that I do that you can, the information to sign up to that is on my Twitter. It's a very good newsletter. Thank you. I really enjoy doing them.

It's a fun little job to ride a nice thing every couple weeks. And people can find some of your comedy on YouTube? Yep. And I'm releasing an album of my comedy quite soon. So I don't I don't have a link to that. But if you'd like my comedy and you would like to hear it, just follow me on Twitter and I've got an album of that from my comedy festival show this year. It's a really awesome show. I loved it so much. And also just YouTube, Jack Drus, and you'll find a whole bunch of winning bits. Winning bits is what I call them.

You have some of the winning-ass bits. Yeah, and I'm at Alistair TV. I'm at Stupid Old Andy. Or at Toon Tank. You can review us on iTunes. You can sign up to our Patreon and just give money generously like a man giving another man back his dog. And then also you should know that we love you.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit Planet Broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu.