Two In The Think Tank - 214 - "TIME TRAVELLER BAIT"

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

Law and Order FB, Leader Orgy, TTB, More Mount Rushmore Rush, Elaborate Christmas Trailer, Pet Gender Guesser, Pool Playerer, Hey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereChristmas thanks to George for producing this episode! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Visit planetbroardcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. The Crost, the Gribbles, the Crost, the Gribbles, and the Devil. Crost, and the Devil. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gribbles. The gr, quibble, quibble, quibble, quibble, quibble, quibble. Kissing. Hello, and welcome to Two In The Think Tank. Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alice the Tom Lee Virtual. George William in the middle. Yes.

Yes. Yes. He is, do something nice for your middle name. Put it at the end for a week. See how that gets you. Is that nice? See where that gets you. See how you like it.

What about put it at the beginning George William Alistair Tromblay Bridge. Imagine if you became successful after like a week That's what would happen you broke through. It's so regal. George William. Yeah, you're front loading that with a lot of royalty People love that people don't accept you into the upper echelons of society unless you seem like you're gonna get it. And with a name like that, you're gonna get it. You're born with it. You know what a name would be good?

King. You gotta call my son King. I have considered King. King top man. King top man, like based after the shop. Yeah, so something popular. Not only a, you know, hundreds of years old institution, but it's topman. Oh yeah, okay, there's a king top. But also, yeah, caprice fashion retailer. That's great.

Are there any two things that more summarize current in the world? Someone who seems like through the more dominant one in a same-sex relationship. Correct. That's the other exciting second meaning. That's right. That's cool. Is there a sketch in this kind of idea, you know, the idea of shifting your name around,

making, you know, like, that's what feels like LeBron James did. Probably took something that sounded like a last name, put it up the front. Now he's interesting. LeBron. LeBron. Do you think he did? People call him something else, though, don't they?

Does he have any names? They call him King James. Well, that's his, I think that's his Twitter. His Twitter handle. Yeah, but I think he King James? They call him King James. Well, that's his, I think that's his Twitter. His Twitter handle. Yeah, but he's really doing everything that we're suggesting. That we've suggested. Wow. After he did it.

But. Oh, and another great thing to do would be what of the best basketball players in the world. Okay, so put your middle name to the front. And more, change your first name to King. And then become one of the best basketballers in the world. It's a two-step plan for success in basketball. But probably other things as well. Do you think this is a certain point?

It seems to me that you know how like, you can, you know, someone like the rock or LeBron James seem to be able to transition into acting in quite big Hollywood movies quite quickly. Do you think there's a certain confidence that come, do you think it's just confidence? You get a certain amount of confidence from being the best in the world at something

and then you can just transition into acting? Like, could you be the world's best yo-yo, restringer. Right. And then you get the call from Hollywood, wouldn't they say, like, you know, we want a bit of that yo-yo-ree-stringing swagger being brought to our action epic. I think it helps if you have got a fair bit of like stage time just from getting accolades for, you know, so I think like yo yo restringers, you know,

like as long as he's being recognized on the global scale. And like, and if people say yo yo restringers, you go, well, I mean, I know the name of the best, but I don't know many other ones, you know, I'm not hugely. And so if you do know the name of them, nothing that helps, because that means that they're used to, you know, being in front of cameras, they're used to, you know, having people love

them and ask them questions. Yeah, and they can deal with the fame. Yeah, they don't crumble. And so that means in that scenario, you could get into the next, say, space jam, as the yo-yo restringing top man. Yeah, top man. And then, you know, you could play alongside Daffy or Bugs Bunny and things like that. And it wouldn't, it wouldn't feel in Congress. Yeah, or intimidating. Yeah.

You know, sort of being people who are the best in their fields at. I mean, I guess also what I've done is I've picked two athletes. So physically they're probably gonna be in pretty good condition, which seems to be something that Hollywood likes. And I'm not sure, I haven't struck really strong many yo-yos, but I'm not sure that it's that demanding.

Demanding. Demanding. It's more of an accuracy kind of, it's a more of an agility skill. Dexterity may be. Dexterity. Yeah. But, you know, it's a more of an agility skill Dexterity maybe Yeah, well, you know it's agility of the hands. That's what dexterity really is I think Dexter was a man who was good at killing with his hands. I see him. I should I have never seen the show But I see we wasn't doing with machine guns or bazookas or anything like that

We're setting big traps bear traps. I think if Dexter was using bazookas, we would have heard about it. Have you seen this new bazooka show? The guy, bazooka murderer. Oh, so that's a show. I mean, it gets tough. I think that's probably about season 506. Probably with Dexter, they start to find

the constraints of the concept. You know, and I think they probably would have hit those constraints a lot earlier if he'd been doing it with bazookas. Yeah. I think maybe even towards the end of season one they would have been reusing some of the same plot lines. I mean, how's he getting away every time? You know, how are they not tracking them down using sort of random CCTV around the cities?

Is he sticking the poor areas? Is he going only in the woods? I think that probably there are certain types of crimes that are endangered because of CCTV, changing the habitat, you know, the environment in which they can take place. I think probably there aren't gonna be as many serial killers in the future.

Like I think that we probably have already gone through the golden age of serial killers. Like when you had mass transport and it was easy for people to move around. But before you had good data sharing between interstate law enforcement and before you had CCTV everywhere, I think I run my phone serial killers are probably in danger of dying out. Oh my god. CCTV killed the serial killer. And phone pinging. And phone pinging, yeah. You put all those things together.

Yeah, these times I think it's even suspicious if I just leave my phone in my room and it's pinging from the same place. You know, eight hours or something like that. Because then you go, oh, that's going to look suspicious. Why is he not carrying his phone around? Why isn't he checking? He didn't check Twitter every 30 seconds to see if he'd got any retweets.

What's he doing? Eight hours, the only reason could be he was murdering. Committing a crime, you know? Absolutely, that's where the first place he would go to think of people. You go, okay, first thing you do, if the crime was committed in a certain area in the city, or something like that, you know,

it's not a separate vibe. No, or some more like, you know, it's a very bad thing. Now, the first thing you go, you ping in that area to see if there was anybody as phones in that area. If not, then you check for anybody's phones who hasn't moved, that hasn't moved for a- Because they might just be lying in bed, right? You know, for that period of time,

because they're depressed, but if they're depressed, they'll be checking Twitter. That's right. To see if anybody's liked any of their cries for help tweets on Twitter. Yeah, checking their bank balance, checking ticket sales. Exactly.

Did you know our shows are on sale? Both teleport for Comedy Festival next year is now on sale, which you must be very excited about. That's our engineering presentation. It's not technically a follow-up to magma, but it's in the same universe. And also... With the same characters. Yes. And also my soul. You had the two engineers, Martin Chrysselos.

And Jerry Roberts. Yes. And then... And then I'll do the voice at the moment because I've got Soul Clans. It's cool. And my solo show, which used to be called Art Rat Hybrid, but I think everybody, whatever to mind, told people, there we go. Okay, look at that. So I decided I got to change it. And so now it's called Couldn't Be More Thriiled. Yeah. Alistair Trumbly virtual. Couldn't be more thrilled. And if you're listening to this today on Christmas Eve, which thank you so much for downloading this on Christmas Eve,

the early bird tickets, the cheapest, cheapest celebrity, I think $19, and is either ends on Christmas Day. So I think you could buy them on Christmas Day, but then after that they go up, and I apologize for that, but I don't like selling things, but if you wanna see them, you have to buy things. I don't like selling things, but I do love having things bought. Yeah. I love having things bought enough to overcome my innate hatred of selling things, but I do love having things bought. Yeah. And I love having things bought enough to overcome my innate hatred of selling things.

And, and, and if you are a person who loves savings, then give yourself that gift, this Christmas. The gift of savings. Yeah. And because I mean, comedy festival isn't until late March, April, but it's still going to happen. And that's money you've already spent. Mm-hmm.

Suddenly you got a bit of more free-up cash later on. Just to go back to this idea of the updates, the state's updates. I think this could be a new division of, you know, law and order. Yeah. Social media update, you know, whatever. They're the social media division. SMD. The ping police. They're like SMD's social media division. You know, and as far as I'm aware, that doesn't stand for anything potentially disgusting.

Okay? SMD. Yeah. Is that supposed to be something? Yeah. Suck my dick. Oh. Laura and order SMD.

I mean, let's take it away from law and order. I mean, I know that that's a shorter, it's a short hand. I can attach myself to that. And I think I've already pitched it. It's the law, is that correct? It's the law of short hand. You're always gonna use law and order. I don't got nothing.

Right. But yeah, absolutely, it's so suspicious why wasn't you checking non-stop? I mean, these things are super addictive. I got nothing. Yeah. Right. But yeah, absolutely. It's so suspicious. Why wasn't you checking non-stop? I mean, these things are super addictive. Feels like there must be some, either some will strong, will power, new found, but we don't see any recent videos that they've checked that might have given them that will not. That will power.

We could check their sales. They doesn't look like they bought any kind of inspirational. And what, you know, what this, what, what this positive is a world in which we're all honest with ourselves about the fact that we are impossibly addicted to social media. And then that's never going to change. Right. And even I feel like this would stand up in a court of law.

You know, sure, you've got no physical evidence. You've got no eye witnesses. Okay. But the, the metadata and the call logs are undeniable. The adjury is convinced. Yeah, the absence of the absence of metadata. And is blindingly convincing. There's no eye witnesses, nobody saw them at the crime, but I'll tell you where nobody also saw them anywhere on the internet. And if you're not online, you did the crime.

What's up? If you did not tweet, you must convict. If you did not tweet. You must convict. Convert. Convert. Convert. Convert. Convert.

Cut. Before. The. The. The. The. The. Um.

I'm really happy with that. Go get hot in here, but I'm also a bit sick and I think I'm liking it. You know what? I'm aching. There's an air conditioner's hot in here, but I'm also a bit sick and I think I'm liking it. You know what, Alster? There's an air conditioner. There's an air conditioner within arms reach because it's a small room and it would be effective so quickly, but I think, no, but I think I like it. I think, no, Al's getting up, he's hesitating.

Ah, you're, he's back down again. You're commenting on it through like, God, it's hot in a way that I like. God I'm uncomfortable. My tits off. Oh, it's unbearably comfortable in here. We have done a sketch idea on that. A very limits of human comfort.

We did a sketch idea and then we tried to put it into magma and it did not fit. I think we could have got there. We just, if it do not fit, you must. You must conv it. Come and see the show. Yeah. To hell of a port.

Um, I had an idea for something. It slipped away from me. What was it? Do you think it was regarding? What were we talking about before we got onto this social media bizwack? You started talking about athletes, such as the rock and the key to James. Yeah, that's right, right.

Okay, and being one of those people and having the confidence to actually get up there and we were talking about changing the order of your names, and we were talking about the monarchy. You know, what about instead of like, you know, it's like a political system, then instead of being, you know, it's like a political system, instead of being born

as a leader, could you, could it be something else? You know, you, okay. You know, like rather than being born, I know born is a pretty big one. There's not a lot of alternatives to being born. Well, I mean, you could be genetically engineered in order to be the leader. You could be, you could be genetically engineered in order to be the leader. You could be made in a test tube. Using the DNA of all the world's greatest leaders, Napoleon, Winston Churchill, Maels Adon, the only way that we can get this, though, is to get them to all come back

to the modern day and have sex with each other. We get them all, collect them all, with time travel, and then we convince them to have sex with each other. Now, here are some of the here are some of the bound the problems with this plan. One, their leaders, they're hard to convince to do things that they don't want to do. That's why they're leaders. They do the convincing. I mean, really, you'd already need the great leader who's going to be all of their children. And in fact, maybe if we've got time travel to get these leaders from throughout history, then all we need to do is go forwards in time as well and get the leader who is there all of their offspring from when they all had sex, bring them back to the present day and get them to convince

all their dads to have sex so that they can be born and they could do it because they are such a great leader. It's in many ways the perfect scheme. Wow. Dads, you need to do this. Yeah, I... We will fuck them on the beaches. The idea that they're going to genetically engineer the greatest leader by getting a bunch of the leaders, but then they're going to have sex on the beach, which is just an uncomfortable place. That's how good a leader this is. So far, so far you hasn't, you haven't

named a single leader that would be able to carry this baby. We've only, well, it's, we've invented some sort of a system. Great. Right. Where they, because all the great leaders were men. Well, to a certain extent, the ones that have been given the opportunities to prove themselves, and I'm not saying that this is right. Yeah. But, but in terms of evidence that they can do this and also it might be funnier. Yeah. Oh, of course, we don't want one woman getting, hmm, had sex with some kind of, no, no, there'll be a man womb. Oh, what?

I mean, that can be a joke. It'll be a man womb that we've created. Oh, what? Because all good leaders were men. No, no, clear patatra and, you know, the lady, she was she a leader. Yeah, she led an army. All right.

She was a country leader, but, you know. Oh, sorry. The one the lady from Brazil who got done for also it's a corruption in putting prison. Oh, okay. Oh, Ben, is he your boot out? I mean, she wasn't that great either, but in terms of,. Oh, Ben is your boot out. I mean, she wasn't that great either,

but in terms of, you know, maybe there's some corruption. Indira Gandhi? There you go. Mahatma Gandhi. Anyway, what I was, so, but then they're having sex on the beach. Yeah, and they're all having sex with this man wound. This man wound.

Also, they're just, it's like they're all whipped, like... Death at a round. Death at a round, a taken turn. No, no, it's all so tight. Some women are shooting eggs into it. Yeah. We've been... We can't ride it if you can shoot eggs.

I mean, that must be the purpose. I mean, this is so fucking... It must be the purpose of... That must be the purpose deep down of female ejaculation, correct? Shooting a egg up. Shooting an egg. It's wearing...

In between leading this haliton. Into a man womb. I guess there's only like, you know, the eggs only descend at a certain point of the month. So then that's when you get it out. Yes. Before, I think, is it, is it, does it get dumped when the period happens? Is that what happened? That's what it is. A WOOM MAN. A WOOM MAN.

Yeah, but are you just picturing like a sleep? That's what, where a woman comes from? A WOOM MAN. I thought so, but I don't know. Obviously. A WOOMED MAN. Look. Yes? I like that one. Wow. You were talking about... I missed some of the part of what you were. I'm not saying. But I came up with this idea while you were talking about the time travel and stuff. But it was about this idea of

if we create this time travel or bait. I don't necessarily know yet how... Hitler. How we advertise this into the future. I think what we... Maybe, no, no, no, no, no. What we do is we create an object that would be unbelievably valuable to a time traveler.

Or, you know, it's just a valuable thing. It's like, let's say, it's like a billion dollars. Oh, yeah, great's just a valuable thing. It's like let's say it's like a billion dollars. Oh yeah great example of a valuable thing. No but let's say I don't I don't have a it would have to be something that's worthwhile and also has like probably like it's important that it is an object but and you create it and you might write it into the side of a mountain, right? That this object will exist between this period and this period after which you will destroy it and it will never exist ever again, right? And so, but you're too...

Maybe I have a great work of art, right? Maybe Van Gogh's greatest work, Starry Night, Starry Starry Night or whatever it is. No, better still, the song, Starry Starry Night. No, I think by, don't mcclead. No, it has to be something that we get to control exactly where it is for the entire period of its existence. Okay.

Because that way you create it, it is hugely valuable, right? And then you move it to this safe location and then until, unless it's time travel account. And it is scored in the side of a mountain. Yeah, and scored in the side of a mountain that exists. And then after that, you destroy it. Yeah, really good. And that's just to lure any time travelers from the future. What if it's the cure to an awful disease? Here we go. An awful, awful disease. And sure, we could use it to cure the disease But here's something better. We could use it to threaten time travelers It's like a sign of a standover tactic for them to come over yeah, and and then we grab them Do we grab them? Well, we grab them but mostly we try to grab their time travel device

So that we can travel through time and that'll be cool to Go back to like two days ago and I don't know, just see yourself. And once it feels like it's like to cut your own ass. And if it works, if it works, we can then go back with the cure for, get the cure for this thing and still give it to people, right? Because we've got the time travel. So we got what we needed.

Yeah. Right. But if it doesn't work, well, then nobody gets queued ever. You see, you can't lose. Well, I mean, you still know that it can be done. So that's, you know, that's true. That's true. That's true.

That's true. Well, what about this? Okay. Here's how we're going to do to do to threaten time travelers. Okay. This is better than your idea, Alistair. We're going to destroy the human travelers. Okay, this is better than your idea, Alistair. We're gonna destroy the human brain, right? So we have put some sort of thing into the biosphere,

into the atmosphere, right? Some sort of chemical molecule, right? And everyone on the planet has inhaled it. And it will be activated, right? At a certain time, unless somebody comes back in time and stops us. Right? Yeah. And then, the people in the future, if they want to exist,

and maybe we won't kill ourselves altogether, we'll just make ourselves dumber or something like that. All right. Already weakening your position? No, I don't. But if they want to stop it, they're gonna have to come back in time. We'll make ourselves too dumb

to ever be able to invent time travel. Exactly, exactly. So I like it, you know, we're sort of playing chicken with the future. And that's just so that we can get this future technology today. Now we need an instant gratification. That's what everybody's like.

We don't have time to wait. No, I think, like, you know, once we get the millennials on the UN, right? Once we've, our first millennial inspector general of the United Nations or whatever they call it, direct director general of the United Nations. Secretary. Secretary? Secretary. Secretary.

Sure. They are going to, they're going to put this into place at the moment because you know what the millennial is alike. They need everything yesterday. Well, how are you going to get that without a time machine? It's going to be hard. Everything yesterday. I mean, that's a sketch idea. Time travel or bait? T-T-B. I mean, we haven't been creating sketch ideas. I mean, thank you so much for fixing it. Do you think I did? I mean, we're putting a gun to all of our heads. So that future generations, no, I mean, we'll carve it into the mountain as well, which is creating jobs for mountain carvers.

You know? Who have been languishing since Rushmore? I mean, when Rushmore was on, you would have been like, man, this is going to be the next big thing. Who have been languishing since Rushmore. I mean, when Rushmore was on, you would have been like, man, this is gonna be the next big thing, literally, but also as an industry. Once we've carved one mountain,

everybody's gonna want their mountains. Why would anybody want a normal mountain anymore? It seems pointless. Oh, what is it, shaped like a big rock? Oh, okay. That'll get people in. Yeah, you know what it? Shape like a big rock? Yeah. Oh, okay. That will get people in. Mm.

Yeah. You know what else is shaped like a big rock? Rocks that are on the ground and that are pretty big. Hold it close to your face. You've seen what you've seen in a mountain. Oh, I'm so bored. So is that a sketch in any way? Mountain carving.

Yeah, the mountain carving. I mean, look mountain carving. The mountain rush more rush? You laughed way more than you actually thought that was funny. No, actually I didn't think that was funny. The idea that like, oh man, this is gonna be big. I mean, I guess like these days,

we've got that with painting silos here in Victoria and in Australia. It's become a huge thing. People were like, hey, some one person painted an old wheat silo, put some nice artwork on there. Suddenly people were like, yeah, why the fuck do we have these ugly things up without anything on them? Let's paint every single one of them. Without...

Yeah, and now it's like a reason that people drive out to the country. Up until recently, there was no reason to drive there. Imagine if you know 20 years ago you'd said, I'm gonna go and look at silos across regional Victoria. You would have been committed to the idea of driving out to see silos. It has to be. And I love that. I love the follow through. God, I respected you. But now you do it. Well, lots of things to look at.

Yeah, yeah. It's much less impressive. Anyway, good. I had a board of calling. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it had a border collie. Oh yeah. Yeah, it was a Labrador. I don't know. It was like a borderline collie. Yeah, borderline collie.

I don't know, I was trying to, I was just trying to quickly. Force an idea. Yeah. Yeah, no, I love it. I had a border collie flower. Oh. Broccoli. Broccoli. Broccoli.

A borderline collie flower. It's a broccoli. Did you see that sort of internet rumor that was going around that collie flower, that broccoli is made by boiling collie flower with green gatorade? Do you see this thing? No, but that's, you know, that's the... Apparently Billy Eilish was on board with it. She thought it was real.

But then, yeah, I mean, it doesn't feel like you would want to genuinely argue with this thing, but they're not the same sheep in any way. You know, it's not really worth it, is it? Like to create an entirely fictional vegetable. No, it's not worth engaging entirely with that sentence. Yeah, you're right. Because it's very untrue. But as far as conspiracy theories go, do you think that it's like harmless? Or do you think that it opens a gateway

to believing more in saying shit? No, I don't think anybody really believes it. You're probably right. I think I could convince my children. Right. I mean, first you'd have to try to convince them to believe in Gatorade. Yeah, you're right. that's gonna be tough. Yeah. Well, I'll just do it with, I'll change it. It'll be Green Food Die. And I'll try and teach them that broccoli is made

by putting Green Food Die into cauliflower. But no, you're changing what it is. Well, I'm trying to find a way to make this work as anything. Sure. But then you could say, that's sausages or just the middle part of broccoli. They're just the core of broccoli. Oh, so what I do is I spend the night

crying open broccoli, carving out a little groove, and then opening it up for the boys. Say, boys, it's Christmas morning. Do you want to come and get the sausages out of the broccoli how do we crack it back I mean this would be a great great Christmas tradition such a good thing for my boy kids it'll like it'll like you know 50 years tired to be talking about with their friends and then be like how I was thinking the other, how weird is the Christmas broccoli sausage tradition? You open up the broccoli and in there are sausages. And then you dip the sausages into the cream sauce.

The cream sauce into the bachamel. And then, once you get 12 sausages in the bachamel, then you get the ceremonial sunbriro and you're allowed to sing a happy birthday to a porky pig. See how far you could build it. I mean, none of the people are working on new traditions. Yeah, well, I'm sure this is something we've talked about on the podcast in the past, trying to make more white culture.

And what it'll be really good for will be Christmas movies, because there's only so many Christmas movies that you can do. There's only so many times that Santa Claus can be stuck in the ice or whatever, contract with leprosy or something like that. People don't believe in it. And the people don't believe in it and they're not so it becomes really tiny. I like that it's been done. It becomes really tiny.

Really tiny. And then somebody accidentally drinks them. Yes. And then you have to go into your own digestive system and save Santa. And it's called Christmas Inside Me. Christmas Inside Me. But then he actually starts a thing inside your guts where he manages to get all the gut bacteria to make things.

Yeah, really good. And he delivers toys to all the cells. And then he shits toys down the toilet. Really small toys. Tiny toys. Really small toys. Tiny toys. Tiny cell toys. Yeah.

Is that a sketch? Mm. I think a trailer for the most elaborate Christmas movie. But then Santa started his own workshop in your guts. I think that's something, right? I don't know if it is called Christmas inside me. I mean, that sounds like something that could almost be a topic. But this is all like, you know, but we could be called like gut gut Santa or Santa Santa Santasid Santa

It doesn't matter Yeah Sorry, Alistair, I've blanked. Rain deer. Yeah. You know, are they all men? No. No. Like in the, in the, in the, in the flock, Dasher dancer, Donna Blitzon.

I thought I'd take that all, they're all women. They're all women. Yeah, I thought I heard that just the other day. The Rudolph is definitely a man though. That's a man's name, Rudolph. Yeah, no, it doesn't mean that because you give an animal a man's name, that it is a man though. That's a man's name Rudolph. Yeah, no, it doesn't mean that because you give an animal a man's name that it is a man. You're right. I don't know. Just he feels like that kind of cat scenario where you miss gender somebody's cat. Yeah, you know where people will have cats for years

and not realize that it's the other gender that they... Free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu. Did we talk about misgendering cats? No. Like, when you misjenda somebody's pet, we talked about that in the podcast. Not sure, Andy. But how are some of you say something?

Oh, good boy. And they're like, she's a girl. Like you've made some big mistake. Yeah. That's it. Sorry, I didn't guess correctly whether or not your dog has a dick. Yeah. And you know, you get consternation if you get it wrong.

But there's no reward if you get it right. There's no reward if you get it right. There's no real incentive. I think if you guess the gender of their dog correctly, people should have to give you something. Yeah, well because it doesn't seem appropriate to check, does it? No. No. You flip the dog over and your rabbit's belly until you see whether or not it gets a little stiffy. I mean, you can usually see when you flip it over, right? That there's a little, there's the sheath there that hangs. Yeah, either like a, yeah, either a sort of a sheath or a bulb. Hmm. So you have a bit of a bulb. It's a bit of a bulb. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, yeah, it's kind of reminds me of something you grow tulips with? Hmm. Yeah. Um, do you think, so what do you think? How much do you, guessing a dog's gender? Maybe it's a game show. Maybe it's an IRL game show. Mm-hmm. It's a new, it's a new thing. It's a new.

Right, it's a distributed form of entertainment. Now that maybe I'll, I'll tell you what I'll do. Yeah. I'm going you what I'll do, I'm gonna make an app. It'll be sort of like Pokemon Go, right? But it's for guessing pets, genders, right? And everybody who signs up, okay? Their pet is on this app, right?

And when you see it, a dog parks. A dog parks. A dog parks and that's the thing. If you wanna guess somebody's pet gender, you gotta put in their code into the thing. Yep. And then you gotta have a guess.

You take a guess. All right, and then if you get it right, I don't know. 100 points. 100 points, great. And then if you get enough points at the end of the year, you're the mayor. You know, the dog mayor. Your dog gets to be mayor. The dog mayor. I said, yeah, I mean, it could just be a new form of democracy.

You get sent a sash for your dog. Yeah. Okay. For your dog. Even though you've been the one guessing all these genders all year. What do you want? Like, you know, like what? I don't know. You're getting social status for your dog. Yep, fly miles. Other people have to let their dog get bred with, but with your dog.

Oh, okay. That sounds nice. If you got a male dog. So nobody's dog is spayed in this scenario. No, the lullaby, I guess, one of his characters. Fertile. Finge or something. David Spade.

Yeah. Joe Dirt. Joe Dirt. I'm sorry. I took this to a weird place. No, that's all right. But I think Pet Gender guessing distributed game show, IRL distributed game show, absolutely that's an idea.

Right. I think this could be the next frontier of entertainment. It's gamifying the real world in that way. And what biggest secret do people have? Then whether or not their pets have a shlong or a vagina? Do you think you'd just sit back, like hang out at the park for a couple of days, you know, not even engage, and then just kind of observe, you know, the people who come, so you can see whether or not their dogs have shulongs. Or lifting their legs, you know, but then some female lady dogs are a bit confused that way, and they do it.

How do you know it's confused? How do you know it's not the normal way to do it? That's true. How do you know it's not the ones that just squat that are confused? That are confused. Yeah. Because I mean, in a way they don't need to squat either. You can just go. They don't have a suit or anything like that. But they're trying to not ruin. They're not trying to like not

pee on their own. And they probably don't want to dribbling down their legs, right? It would feel yuck. It would feel yuck. I don't know. Any kind of anything cool in your element would be. And I think you want to be more in control of your odour. You're a dog, you're living some person's house, and you do nothing. You would be craving experiences. Like this low-called trickle of piss down your thigh. Slow-cold, yeah, I'm just pissing ice, cold, piss. Have you not, when you do get a little bit of urine, touches your leg for some reason?

Cause you're not totally in control. Often burns my leg, that's how hot it is. Really? It's coming out, it's steaming. It's a steaming stream. I get blisters. Wow. Okay, I apologize. That's okay. The inside of my peahole is all scar tissue, because it's constantly just wearing away at the inside, and the holes getting bigger and bigger. And the walls are getting thin.

Yeah. I don't think I'm gonna make it to the end of life with out a full collapse. Yeah, it was structurally, that's not gonna hold. Not gonna hold up. You're gonna have to get some ribs put in there or something like that. So I'm gonna get all lining.

Yeah, we're just like a brace. A brace, maybe I'll start doing some patchwork. It's gonna look like a quilt by the end of it. I said of a cylindrical quilt. Mm-hmm. Just like, you know, just like they would make in the war for whoever uses quilts. Do we have some words from Melissa? Do you think that we're done here? Yeah, I think we're done here, Alasde. I think on cylindrical quilts.

Andrew, it's great that you would ask that because absolutely we do. Yes! Three words from a listener. You might be familiar that with the concept of Patreon and how well a person who pays $3 per month gets to submit three words that they can suggest to us and we'll come up with a sketch based on that. Now, you've already heard these words today, unfortunately. I've forgotten them already, though. Well, do you want to try and guess what all of them are? I'll try and remember them.

From listener Henry Smith. OK. Hi, Henry. Hi, Henry Smith. Thank you for this. God bless you. OK. Uh, uh, Ron Boyd?

No. Nice. No, but you're getting closer. Pal- Palemino? No, you're getting further away. Oh, okay. No, no, the first word was museum.

Okay. Yeah? Uh, does that- does that- trigger with the other two? Absolutely nothing. No, just tell me them. Asteroid? Asteroid, okay.

And then the last one is up to you to guess. Paranormal. Well, close, justice. Justice. Museum, asteroid, justice. Asteroid justice feels like there's already something in there. Well, there is, there are already years of kind of asteroid justice. You know, I think asteroid justice is a pretty cruel mistress and they say justice is blind. Right. But asteroid justice is also death, has no sense of touch. And.

Oh, but it has the touch of a God. Okay. You know, in the way that it is able to, you know, up and even countries. Mm. to up and even countries. I think you could try and implement some kind of asteroid. Like, you know, if you had a little robot up in the asteroid belt, right, just jumping from asteroid to asteroid and then knocking them out of their orbit, right, you could use them as some kind of strike force.

You know, if you could do the calculations adequately in order to be able to target these little asteroids that you're knocking down to the surface of Earth, to hit it, you know, as the Earth's moving and spinning through space, if you could target it to hit, and obviously people are moving around, and that sort of thing,

but if you could work out more or less where they're going to be, you know, you could send an asteroid down, you could knock out a, you pick your right size asteroid, you could knock out an individual. Oh, right. Like that. Okay. I thought you were sort of talking about using the asteroids to knock out other asteroids. And I thought, well then what you got yourself as a use for pool players. Right. Well then what you got yourself is a use for pool players Right, so why have a missile defense why have a missile defense coach? Yeah, you know thing launching from earth trying you can just have You know like a bot with a big stick Mm-hmm, you know, maybe one white ball. Mm-hmm. That is hits the moon out of the way the moon that is hits Asteroids out of the way. The moon. The moon could be our asteroid defense.

It's been there this whole time. I mean, it's been staring right at us. And now we're staring at it. And we use it, and we just knock it around to just knock asteroids that are coming even anywhere near. Even, you know, maybe we can pick up more mass for it. You know, maybe, maybe those asteroids instead of knocking them away,

they'll get nicely absorbed into the sort of soft sand of the moon. Of the moon. Yeah, it's covered in those craters. It can handle it. It can handle it. I think this is really exciting. And I think it would be great if it turned out. You know how like the CIA makes computer games to find people who are going to be really

good at flying drones or whatever? Yeah. I mean, you say that like you don't believe me. Well, I am. And that's only because I just made it up then. Okay, right. But I mean, because at first I was like picturing like, you know, people who would be really good at, and I wasn't sure what you're going to say, and I thought like maybe like being

spies or something like that and I couldn't sure what you're gonna say, and I thought like maybe like being spies or something like that, and I couldn't picture how that would work. There's something, I'm sure they're doing something, something like that, right? I think then also be great if pool when it was invented, hundreds of years ago, had been part of this sort of long term plan to find the perfect person to combat asteroids by queuing the moon. Oh yeah, queuing it. So just have a stick, I guess.

Big stick. Big stick, but they do it like a, you know, from Earth and they do it at a table. At a pool table. And you get them used to it. I think this is kind of like how Ender's game. I mean, have you ever seen it heard it? Oh, no, I've never seen it. I've never seen it. Ender's game. Anyway, I think this kind of ruins it a little bit. Oh, okay, good.

But he's made to play these video games, type things, training simulators, you know, to get really good at this particular thing. And then one of them turns out to be the real one. Real thing. Whatever the scene is, but he didn't realize that he was involved in the actual real thing. Also, he was actually killing people or something like that or like fighting a war. Yeah, right. And so, but like that, but with pool tables, I guess at some point you have these really oddly shaped,

you know, pool balls. You start introducing to them. And then they've got to, like, he's got to try to, you know, they're moving through the table and you've got to try and intercept them and knock them away from some blue ball. Yeah, great, that's wet.

Mm. Yeah. I don't know. They've started introducing a lot of new rules to pool. Right, it's not exactly the game that I was playing. Yeah. But the name makes more sense now with all this wetness. All this water. Yeah.

I mean, is that a, do you think that's a? Yeah, and now the surface, the pool, surface of the pool table is now kind of like a rubber mat and the pool cues distort the surface, the pool surface of the pool table is now kind of like a rubber mat and the The pool cues distort the surface of the mat. Hmm. That's weird, isn't it? That is weird And also it's a huge pool. It's huge as it's bigger as the universe. That was weird That was a weird thing when they brought in that rule and That you don't I, imagine you still play it with drinking a pint and smoking a cigarette. Sure, sure.

Cigarettes, they still make those. Ciggy's? Darries. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Smoked sticks. I think that's a, I think that's a fun idea. Yeah, cue in the mune. The mune. I think it would be interesting when we're building the pull cue, obviously. And it would have to be articulated on some kind of a system where you control it using a little pull cue. And then there's a sea system of levers

and pulleys that manipulate the big one, the big one, that's what we call it, we call it the big one. But I think you would just use a regular pull cue on a regular ball and then that transfers into. No, I want a big, big, big pull cue that goes all the way from the earth to the moon. Oh, right. But maybe we could build one by drilling a hole down into the core of the earth and allowing a magma to come out like a plug, right?

Up, up, up, up, up, up, and we cool it as it comes out. So it doesn't flow out. It just, it just extrudes like a vertical pile on. You know, until you've got one that goes all the way to the moon. I do like that. I mean, that should be so doable. We should be able to get hot rods. Hot rods.

Earth rods of earth. Just pumping them out. Rock rods. Hot rock rods. Hot, rocky rods. Who's not going to want a hot rock rod? It sounds cool. It sounds manly.

It sounds like the manliest thing in the world. A hot rock rod. I mean, you've heard of a water feature at your house, but what about a hot rock rod feature? Like that. Of course, sure, every now and then you've got to, you got to drive a couple of like trailers worth of rock away from your house just to clear out your backyard of all these hot rock rods But think how cool you'll be having a backyard party with all this rock coming straight from the core Correct your backyard you could use them to magic Bob are queuing on that exactly you could use them to You know you could you could put a lamb on the spit or a flam. On the flam. Fake lamb. Yeah, okay.

Oh, man. You're a super manly, but you're a vegan. Well, you could be a vegan, and what you still want to, you still want to cook something on a road. You still want to cook something on the heat of the earth's core. Yeah, and on a big giant slab of something rotating with a rod through it. It's called the mantle, after all.

It is called the mantle tool after all. It is called the man tool, not the one man tool. And women don't eat lamb. We got there. Finally to a deeper truth. And that's what this was about. We're so sorry to all women and you're you know what we've just said. Well, you're dignity. Yeah. But thanks for listening to the podcast. Thank you so much. Sorry we're a bit tired and I'm a bit sick this episode.

No, no, no, but it's good that it's uncomfortably hot in a good way. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm gonna take us through the sketches. Okay. Social media division, law and order. I've written division really incorrectly, but I'm going to put a dot over this first eye.

Right. I mean, first E that I wrote. That's a life hack that you might not know. If you do a bad E instead of an I, just put a dot over it. Everyone will think it's an I. Everyone will think that. Then we got genetically engineered leader. It sounds like it's a very sciencey,

but what we're doing is we're bringing back all the leaders from the past, and then we're getting them to have sex on the beach into a man womb. Genghis Khan is there. Genghis Khan, He's up for it. He is up for it. But you know, all of them,

Clay Patrick, George Clooney. George Clooney, the person who led him. George Clooney. George Clooney pays for a satellite above Sudan. Above Sudan to keep track of the militias. Isn't that good, that's good. As far as things that people do. As far as things that I would have guessed George Clurdy was doing, I wouldn't have,

I wouldn't have guessed it. Nespresso ads. That's probably what the Nespresso ads are paying for. Time traveler bait. Probably Nestle is using all the profit that they make from selling Nespresso to do war crimes. Yeah, I'm so deck. Probably Nestle is using all the profit that they make from selling their suppressos to do war crimes Time traveler bait. That's when we create something that only exists for a short while But we advertise it on you know on the side of a mountain so that the people in Delabble mountain So people in the future can see here about it and then go back in time and get it

We're gonna get them. We're gonna get him. Then we got Mount Rushmore Rush. Mm-hmm. Then we got, and you know what Mount Rushmore Rush is. Everybody's gonna want this. That's when Mount Rushmore's being made and they're like, wow, this is gonna be new for us.

People who carve mountains, it's gonna be a big deal. It's gonna be nonstop work for us because this success of this one is gonna lead to so many others. You know what we could do? We could carve the face of the earth, right? Like if we all wanted to, we could reshape the surface of the planet earth and put somebody's face on one side of it.

That would be pretty good. Alana's morisette. Alana's morisette. Alana's morisette. Yes. Isn't that ironic? It's like, can't make your face other side of the earth. When all you need is a knife. When all you need is a planet to function and continue to exist within the bounds of humans available. Isn't it ironic? Trailer for most elaborate Christmas movie. Santa gets small and you swallow him, but then he starts a Santa's workshop in your gut

with your gut bacteria instead of else. Then you got to go inside yourself, as a tiny robot maybe. And convince him, but he's delivering presents to all the cells in your body. The good ones. Yeah, but I think that's going to kill you. Especially the cold that he gives to some of them. He's just dropping, because black stuff is a carcinogen. But what would be the bad cells? Surely the bad cells would be cancer cells. Cures you with cancer. Maybe.

Oh my God. With cold. And then you realize that Santa is the cure for cancer. Having a tiny Santa. And then he changes the meaning of Christmas. It's about Santa going from person to person and entering their body, curing all their diseases. But then that means that he has to do like when he used to have to just work one night

a year. Now he has to work that same amount of time for each body. And this is what happens at the end. And that he's worked to death but but he cures cancer in 30 people He's overworked African e-hivernates I reckon Santa Hivernates from London here When he curls up with his belly full of whiskey and cookies. Yeah.

Any hibernates in a cave. Think you're right. Trail, oh, then we got pet gender guessing distributed game show. I mean, that sells itself. Pool players are being trained up to knock asteroids out of space, out of their space trajectories using the moon. And then there's also something to do with the museum in there.

Is there? Yeah, because that was one of the three words. Museum. Great. I'm sorry about all the pauses that I left in this episode. It's okay Andy Thank you so godly much yes From the bottom of our the bottom of every part of our body And if you are listening to this on Christmas Eve Merry Christmas. Thanks so much. I hope you have a good Christmas. Happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa.

I don't know if all those are happening at the same time as Christmas. Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays. Happy... Day. Happy Night. Being Lonely. Happy Being Lonely.

Happy No One from your family talks to you anymore and you're sitting in the dark. Happy Everybody talks to you anymore and you're sitting in the dark. Happy everybody talks to you, happy beard, happy shaven face, happy bearded legs, happy shaven legs, happy elbows. And happy teeth. And happy note teeth. Now we're on social media. I'm at Stripodon Andy. I'm at Alist. Now, we're on social media. I'm at Stuart O'Randy. I'm at Alistair TV and we're at Two in Tank.

And if you go to those, you can see links to these shows that are on sale for Comedy Festival to give you something. Yeah. Give to Savings. Okay. Yeah, and it's unbelievably helpful. I'm trying to remember to put the links down below

and they all describe that as well. They might be in the description description and you can review us if you like that makes us feel nice You can support us on Patreon you can support us on patreon, which is the greatest There's a lot to that down there, but it doesn't also it doesn't mean everything, but it also means a lot It also means everything it means everything But also you guys all mean everything to us take care care of yourself, have a nice time of year, and we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbrodcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. I mean, if you want, it's up to you.

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