Two In The Think Tank - 255 - "A PROPER GANDER"

Episode Date: October 13, 2020

Meet the Acquaintances, Petito, Hot Pot Belly, President Truman Show, Let 'Em Fry Grill, Foie Gras Squared, Sex with a Goose, Sherlock and HomesCheck out listener Ellie's awesome art @pickleddurkin on instaGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereA lot of thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit Planet Broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Little dipstick, little dipstick, little dipstick, little dipstick, little dipstick, little dipstick little little dipstick little dipstick little dipstick little little dipstick little little dipstick little little little little little little dipstick little dipstick little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little Malister, George William, Tromblay, Bertel, and what a joy, what a joy it is to meet your acquaintance, to make your acquaintance, or meet your acquaintance, meet your acquaintance is to meet somebody that you don't know that well. What a joy it is to meet your acquaintances, you know, is one thing in a relationship when you get to meet the person's friends, but when you get to meet their acquaintances, it's a timely parody of meet the parents, but it's meet the acquaintances, okay? And it's Ben Stiller and

whoever his wife is in that film. Is that Christine Amelbert? Ben Stiller and whoever his wife is in that film. Is it? Christy, no, no. No. No, no. No. No. They wouldn't.

But that's the thing is that. That happened. People act like meeting the parents is a very, is a very big move. And it look, it's sizable. I'll give them that it's sizable. But you know the relationship is getting stronger when they introduce you to people that they know less well. Exactly. That they are just meeting maybe for the first time.

That's right. That's when they go, hello, yet John is it? Well, I'm Michael and this is my wife, Erica, Badoo. Erica, Badoo. Perfect. I thought of another idea that I was writing, making a note of on a pad, Alistair. I'll figure, I'll tell you what, I'll just tell you instead. You've heard of meat the parrots, however I love that.

Well, this is parent the meat. Now I figure this could be possibly a tie-in product with our much earlier idea of mashed potato sun. We're going to give somebody a sun-made mashed potato son. When you give somebody a son made a mashed potato. This now, mashed potato, okay? Potato is when you have a small amount of mashed potato. That's all the coming two sides. We'll come in mashed potato son and mashed potato son.

Whoever the fuck it was, who named those little, those little nobly potatoes, a small chats, that them, whoever was who named them, chats, they should have called them potatoes. Yes, that is. Do you think that we could get a Nuremberg style trial to find whoever it was who didn't call them petitos and have them publicly executed.

Is that wrong? Yeah, I mean, it feels like at this point, it feels like it's the right thing to do. I don't know if my moral compass is slightly wrong, but at least I'm using a compass, you know? Exactly, you're on the right track, or if not on the right track, you're on a track. And that's on the right track to being on the right track, if you're on a track. Obviously, no track, sir. It's on a track to do the right thing.

You're on a track to doing a thing. And if you're not on the track to doing a thing, then you can't be on the track to doing the right thing. And therefore being on a track to doing a thing is on the track to being on the track to doing the right thing. I 100% agree with the logic Andy. You you didn't even need to to to explain it to me. doing the right thing. I 100% agree with the logic Andy. You didn't even need to explain it to me. The only way in which you could be on a more right track is for you to be on a crane, dangling

under a crane that has access to all the tracks. Dangling under a crane that has access to all the tracks, sort of like in a cable train, am I like working on them? But a lot of... You're a train, I think, Andy. I'm a train. Right. You're on the right track.

Of course you're a train. I forgot I was a train in this metaphor. In this metaphor, Andy, you've been a train the whole time. I thought I was just a guy on a track. No, no, no, no, no, no. People will go on tracks like that. That's just, that's for pleasure. This is business.

So, you know, you're walking around an abandoned, oh, not an abandoned, just a rail road, a railway station at night, a rail yard. You're walking around a rail yard at night, okay? And your friend is standing on an overpass watching you through binoculars and shouting directions, okay? And you say, am I going to be hit by a train? And he said yells back You're on the right track No, this is nothing

That's okay. Look we have so many things Andy that we need to go over and try and finish one. Oh Alistair we do indeed so we first, that meet the acquaintances. Mm. Now, is there anything in that? Do we, does anybody make parody movies of comedy movies where you make fun of that movie by making it even less significant? Well, I don't, I don't think that we are making fun of that movie necessarily. I think what you know, there are other aspects of

of the industry that we could be making fun of you know, okay or we could be making fun of the concept of sequels you know, they did the meet the meet the fuckers and the meat. Was there another one? Meat the kids? Maybe. There might have been another one here. Meat I shrunk the kids. Meat I blew up the baby.

There, that's it. And that means that we can then, you know, see where it would go if it was still running, you know, the franchise. That's that's was still running, you know, the franchise. That's, that's, that's a common, sort of like, a theoretical thing when you happen to, we could also be satirizing though just the mass, machinations of Hollywood executives, the kinds of things that they would try and pitch. There was one called little,

little fuckers. Yeah, little fuckers. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? That doesn't even have any of the words from the original title. Not from the original, but it has the connecting one. You can, if you can find the missing link, meet the fockers. Yeah. You're able to identify the family tree. Yeah, and I think the main joke in that movie was that he was named was Gay Lord Falker. Is that right?

I think that was the main joke in all three of those movies. I mean, you don't put that joke in there if it's not going to be a main. Do you think that was part of the pitch? Do you think that's included when they pitched it? Absolutely to the network to the studio Okay, this guy his name is Gaylord Fokker You glit Greenlit for three films You in so far absolutely I guess meet the acquaintances is sort of more of an industry thing where you're sort

of trying to meet, what's that word that you use when you're trying to meet people. All right, so are you smoothing? smoothing, yeah, there's basically smoothing. There's another word, but Yeah, but then I don't know if this has been is it been stiller introducing some upstart maybe his son Little Gaylord for Falker, Jr To industry folk that he's been well acquainted to Because he's in an industry family family himself but then that really breaks the

the fourth wall in that the character of Ben Stiller's son. Yes. Is being taken around by Ben Stiller the man who is an actor? Otherwise, is the character gaylord Falker's son. Yeah, Gaylord Falker's son is being taken around by Ben Stiller the man at Hollywood parties and you're saying this guy played my character Gaylord Falker's son. Now he is in my characters. Yeah, that's right. But he, oh, he is my character son. And the character is thinking about getting into acting. I actually think this would be a really funny trailer to watch as the voiceover works really hard to try and explain. What's happening? I mean,

maybe in a, is it, is it last action hero? It's a bit last action hero. Yeah, instead of trying to conquer bad guys, he's trying to conquer Hollywood. This child star. Who was a child 10 years ago when they made this movie? I'm not sure if it was a baby or but But now there would be you know a fair bit older. Yeah. Yeah. So probably it exactly the right age to be trying to make a career for themselves. Yeah, I guess now it is more career rather than sort of parent forced. Yeah. Well also because we don't know if his parent actually came out of the movie screen with him.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, they might have pushed him out of the screen. I think that's actually quite an interesting story, where a character who was your child in a movie comes out, would come out of the movie, thinking that, like if he saw Ben Stiller, he would think that was his dad. It's quite an interesting thing, right? That's true, especially if he didn't know with this door that he went through, that brought him into the real world.

Or even if you did, you'd still sort of think that the person who looked exactly like your dad was in some sense, your dad, oh, this is actually, this is a great film. It's a good movie. This is a good movie. Ben Stiller, the man, has to deal with raising a child that is only, raising his fictional child in the real world.

Ah, very interesting. Do you think he would go and find Robert De Niro to see if he would get involved? Do you want to raise this guy? I'm not a hero, but he's your child. He's not. He's a character from a movie. He's as much your child as he is my child. And he's your grandson.

Yeah. I think that's actually really funny. And let's call it meet reality. Not meet the acquaintances? Meet the acquaintances. Sure, meet the acquaintances. I'll write subtitle will be meet reality fucker. Okay.

Now another idea. Carat the meat. Now this is a sequel to our very popular mashed potato son concept where you motivate somebody to live a better life by giving them a son made out of mashed potato that is very difficult to look after. Mm-hmm. But then parents' meat, are you saying that now this is like a thing where you actually have to get another child and this one is meat?

Yeah, I think so. Now you give them a daughter and she's made from sausages. Okay. Great. And this is how you kick it into the next level. This is how to make friends and influence people too, you know, how to make fucking friends and really fucking influence people. And how to carry a bunch of sausages in a poo-pooce.

Exactly. How are they held together with sausages? Imagine looking into a poo-pooce and seeing that the child in there has just been cobbled together from sausages. Yeah, but that it has a face, like that it has a face that it does look like a face and it's made from sausages. Yeah, but I picture a sort of a muppet like face with a mouth open and then you look in the kid, in the person looks in and they go,

oh, like that, and you go, what? And then you look in, you go, oh yeah, he dropped his pacifier. Here you go. That is repulsive. Yeah, sorry, thank you for that. And it's she. It's the doughnut.

Yeah, but he's raising her as a man. Oh, okay. Because he sees, because he's raising her as a man. Oh, okay, because he sees because he is so He's so sexist. He sees Sausages as a male meat Because they're so penis-like They have very penal Anyway, I don't know that that necessarily does it have to be written down, but it's fun to revisit some of the glory days

For the glory days now any episode we're not currently doing. That's right. Now, Petitos. Petitos, all right. Petitos. So it's a... The Neuronberg style trial. Okay.

Neuronberg, I don't know how to write Neuronberg, but... Oh. The Neuronberg style trial. Style trial. You've heard of the fact that... You've heard of the fact that... That's right. That's right.

Now, Petitos. Petitos. Petitos. Petitos. So it's oh. The Nuremberg style trial. Style trial. No, I'll try. You've heard of the fashion police. Well, this is the fashion Nuremberg trials. Yeah.

Full of calling. Uh, little potatoes. Yeah, okay. So, yes, we actually are. And I think it's an open-and-shot case really. Yeah. It's a, you know, the jury deliberates for 30, 40 seconds. They're back in there like, yeah. Yeah.

I think they go in the door and they immediately come out any comical way. Yes. Great. Fast. They finally could possibly have even got between the two. They actually start coming out of the other door before they've gone in. That's right. Excuse me. That's how quick the deliberation is.

Yeah. Brakes the space type continuum. That took negative time to convict this guy. Mm-hmm. And... No, you have to go deliberate. Like, their judge is like, no, they go, guess, guilty. That took negative time to convict this guy. Mm-hmm. No, you have to go deliberate like that judge is like, no, they go, guess guilty and you know, you have to go deliberate and go, ugh. And appropriately, when they sentence this guy, they say, let him fry because that's what

they do. Alistair, you might not notice. They do that to potatoes. Firemen, the electric chair. Are they ready? This is good, Alistair. Firemen, the electric oil heater. Baker, but his own jacket.

No, but Alistair. Alistair. Yeah, yeah. This is going to be big. This is going to be big. This is going to be so big. This is a George Foreman style grill, but it's in the shape of an electric chair. Okay.

Yeah, okay. And it's called Let Him Fry. Yeah. Okay. And you can get a little electric chair of sub-card. Yeah. And it's called Let Him Fry, okay? And you can get a little electric chair of sub-card. Yeah. Maybe not a George Foreman grill, but it's in that line of products.

And you sit a little potato in there. And you put a little cap on it? Put a little cap on it, exactly. You grease it up with a little bit of butter. Yeah, like you would, like you would a, a person on death row. Well, I think they do put some sort of liquid in there to make the connection better. I don't know if I'm actually, yeah.

No, I like, you know, I understand that. I mean, I've seen the green mile, they put a sponge in there. Really? Is that it? A sponge. Well, I mean, that's in the green mile. I don't know how they really do it. But I was picturing them buttering up a person all the way around. Just, you know, basically have a stick of butter that they're kind of just rubbing up and down the person's body.

Because it may as well be at least a little bit pleasant for them. Now, pleasant for whom? The people who are in the room with the person who's cooking. Right, and it's pleasant because they get to smell the burning flesh with the butter? Well, at least the butter warmed up would have a nice kind of scent. I mean, they should probably have some, you know,

tuxamonions or some garlic in these armpits or something in there with it. That's always pleasant. It probably actually gets your appetite going. It's the right thing to do to cook and eat a man. But if you are essentially cooking a man anyway, surely it's morally right to use some of that extra electricity and put a stake under the little cap on top of the head so that it can be cooked at the same time and then you can eat that for lunch afterwards. Well I mean it's definitely energy efficient and while it's morally repulsive to do that to a person, it's, you know, the energy and

the footprint that you're saving is actually very ethical to all the other people who remain on earth. Correct. And it's probably nice for the family of the person that that person murdered. They won't get to eat it. for the family of the person that that person murdered. They won't get to eat it. Well, you know, they might not get to eat it, but to know that that person's being disrespected

in that way, in a way, you know, is kind of nice being treated like a cooking implement. Yeah. You know, they can know. This is the family of the victim, is it? The family of the victim. Yeah. Show, show, show.

Yeah. I mean, I guess you could also just stuff their, stuff their guts filled with, you know, I guess you can make them eat their, you know, let's say they have their last meal, but then you make them eat another meal that is something that you want cooked while they're frying. And then later on, when the coroner, I guess the coroner, I probably doesn't do an autopsy, but when he's doing an autopsy, he said a coroner go, hey, can you get out that thing I popped in there? Should be just right.

When they're doing it autopsy, did it determine the cause of death of this person who was just electrocuted in the electric chair. Yeah. I got some stuff in there. I sure would maybe. You might be able to pull up, you know, pull some trick that suggests, you know, like that put some doubt in the mind of the people that what they died of was the electric chair or something like that.

What if there was like a, I don't know, it's like, you know, a loose brick, yeah, a plague or like a loose brick in the room, you know, it's in the metal. Better still a plague of loose bricks. Yeah. I was peppered with loose bricks, full sized bricks and cinder blocks. So, all right, Al. Oh, okay. So this girl... I'd like to go back to my little thing of my little grill for cooking a potato in the electric chair.

Yeah. Now, I'm not saying that, you know, normal people would buy this. But what about Americans? Do you think... Do you think we could sell this to people in America? And my answer to my own question is yes. Yes, we could.

Oh, I agree, of course. And I think all the red states would all own one automatically. Right? They would probably give it out, you know, on the lead up to a vote. I'd say here's your little chair. I'm gonna write down cooking in the belly of a, I mean, I wanted to encapsulate, I wanted to encapsulate, I realize it's dumb,

but I think that it's within the dumbness that there's fun. Oh, Alistair, that's great fun to be had in the midst of dumb we are in fun, I believe, as they say. And you got it. I forgot how to spell dire, a person who's dying, the dire. I don't think you forgot how to spell that, Alistair. I don't think you forgot how to spell that out. I don't think that's a word. Is it the, it's not dy, er, because that's the person who dies, the clothes. I don't think which I guess I suppose they might also do when they poop or bleed or whatever. Well, it's not a word, I'm sorry, to break it to you. Well, if we use it enough, it will become the Daya. The Daya. Another Daya is like the mom of the person

who's still alive left behind. Is it? Right. Because they have the dying done to them, in a way. Yeah. So like if you lose, if you lose like a, you know, a dog or something like that, the family are the dais. Those who are left behind to mourn. Doing a lot of movie parody stuff in this episode. And I think that's great. Especially we're doing particularly topical movie parody stuff. And while we're talking about it. Look who's talking. No, no, close. I was thinking, what about the Truman show? What would this be like? But it's President Truman now. Harry Truman? Harry Truman.

Now I don't know anything about Harry Truman. No, me either. But I would love to see what kind of a film I write. Based on just these two elements. These two elements and a stubborn unwillingness to learn anything more about Harry Truman. Yeah, I like this a lot Andy. I mean, I guess you could sort of propose, you could make vague. You know, he could be making vague pronouncements about some of his achievements or, you know,

or the way that you could do it is you could have the people in the thing not really know what he achieved. People might take it as a political statement or something. There would be a film to be made that is a is a Truman show star thing but instead of being an average person whose life is televised it is somebody who is made to believe that they are the president right that would be really hard to make them believe that from childhood not necessarily not necessarily. Like what if you were in a Donald Trump style situation?

Okay. I mean, maybe this is just what's happened, but where this person is running, they stand a chance of winning, and you, and for whatever reason, and with whatever logic you're able to Just play it off as if they've won the whole country agrees to pretend they've won And then you just make a TV show about

About them being the president. They think they are Great am I making sense? about them being the president. I think they are. Great. Am I making sense? Yeah, I mean, I think, so then you're not doing it in a studio, you're just, I mean, how many people does a person really interact with? I mean, if you made him mayor of the town,

you know, it could be more achievable? I think, I think if you let the person into the White House. I think what would be funny would be the sort of the proxy, like small scale approximations that you do where you are trying to get people to, you're trying to get this, you don't have a big budget, right? So you're doing the United Nations, but there's only like, you know, six countries at the United Nations. And you are having to meet the President of one country

and then later you bring him back with a moustache as the President of another country. But they can hire you, who thinks he's president, as a real idiot. And... ...haha. Sure, so it's like the opposite of the other idea.

So this is like, you had Truman show with an actual president, and then you have a sort of fake Truman show with a guy who thinks he's president. Uh, no, it's a, you're really Truman showing him. Okay. He, he thinks he is president. You're, you're just faking the whole thing around him like they were in the Truman show.

Hmm. No, it doesn't matter. Don't worry. No, but they look too the Truman show. Hmm. No, it doesn't matter, Al. Don't worry. No, but they look. I'm too lost in it. No, I mean, I'm gonna write thinks he's president or something more believable. Okay, that's great.

Everybody's happy with that? You know know that way That way, you know, there's a lot of the big obstacles Like how you would get around this White House problem Well, it's not the White House. It's just a White House Sure, but we are needing somebody super, super dumb. Super dumb, to the point where it's exploitation. Yeah, that's a big part of it.

But I think it's hard to do this and not be exploitation in a way. Sure. The Truman show was, the original Truman show was exploitation. I think that's true. That's true, but then you didn't feel bad for it. They did pay you in bad form. You didn't feel bad for Truman.

You... You feel a little bit. Well, maybe I guess, but not like he was being taken advantage of just that he was stuck in an experiment. That's true. And yes, it was against his will, but at least he had a will. He had a will. They weren't all laughing at him. They were living with him. He was in every, he was in America's heart. You know, That's right.

But now we have to go back to this electric chair grill. Oh, we still haven't written that down, okay? Well, I just, I don't know. It felt like you had more to say. No, I, you know, it's a product. It's the Let Him Fry grill. You know, and every time you press the button that is on, maybe it plays some little screams.

Maybe it jiggles a little bit, so the potato jiggles around. Is this in bad taste? No. The only thing... This might be in bad taste, but your potatoes won't be, because it gets them perfect. Every time, at least the bits that are touching a chair. I don't know if there are any cooking techniques

that do involve passing electricity directly through the food stuff. And I don't know whether or not this is something that people have looked into. You know, it would be good. What if that turned out as the best way to cook a steak? Imagine this. Just a couple of jumper leads on either end.

What if like that little hat that you put on the thing? I mean, it's harder with a steak, but with the potato, the little hat that you put on it. What if there was a rod that went into the potato? Right. And and that rod allowed electricity right into the thick into the potato. Right. And that rod allowed electricity right into the thick of the potato, right into the meat of it, right in there.

But then it also dripped butter inside. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu. Who?

Yeah. I mean, it's less like an electric chair now, more like a, I said I'm a little hat that the gyps butter inside your body. But that could be a way to kill people too. Yeah, I wonder if they looked into that. Well, it's because somewhere between the bolt, you know, the bolt that you used to kill cows, whatever, that bolt gun, and the electric chair, and that thing that they feed to, to ducks or whatever, to fatten them up.

That rod they put in them to fatten them up. That rod they put in them to fatten them up to make sure that they're full feeding, so you can get that bloated liver. Yeah, but I don't know if they're force feeding them foie gras because that would be kind of reproductive. Well, that's how they get foie gras. Okay, yeah.

But yeah, you're right, it would be kind of productive to, unless you're feeding them inferior fogura. Ah, these are this fogua is so expensive and classy because the geese that it's made from were themselves Fed exclusively on Fwa Gua. I mean, but then you wouldn't want to feed them in fear of your Fwa Gua, wouldn't you? You'd want to actually feed them a better Fwa Gua. I think so. You'd want to feed them like a higher quality Fwa Gua. They're eating an even better quality Fwa Gua than you are than it produces.

They're eating an even better quality foie gras than you are than it produces. This method of only feeding them one ingredient actually creates a much worse foie gras. But, but I wonder if you could feel better about eating it because you knew that the duck's gaze had been raised in such luxury. Like, absolutely. Yeah, it's more ethical. Well, in a way, maybe you don't, maybe you don't even have to force feed them because

it's so delicious. They force feed themselves. That's right. Even though they got, even though they, they, Fauro, that came from force fed, force fed, you know, ducks or geese or whatever, because that's how you make the really good stuff. Well, we found a way to make ethical Fauro, and we found that we don't have to force feed the ducks if we feed them something that's delicious enough that they force feed themselves, unfortunately the only thing that we could find that was delicious enough was Fwa Gua. And...

And that Fwa Gua was obtained very unethically. But... But... But your one degree removed from it. And really, I think, because it was the ducks that were eating the foie gras. They are an ethical one. They absorb the guilt. They filter out the guilt, which means that you are, and, and in a way, because you're eating the livers of unethical foie gras, you're doing a good thing.

By removing these, frankly, evil cannibalistic geese, or ducks from their evil. You're actually saving other geese by eating this goose's liver or or the foie. Is that liver or their, is the other one? Kidney, no, liver. Yeah, it's got to be liver. Yeah, eating, by eating this evil. Ugh, kidney, ugh, duck, kidney, ugh, yuck, ugh. No liver, alistair, come on. Do you think you could have your,

you could have either your liver transplanted into one of those geese for some reason or their liver into yours. So you always have fog raw inside you. I guess so that's not a great achievement. But it would be if there was an award for it. All right, this show, it is the Oscars of getting goose livers transplanted into your body. And it's on prime time. Yeah. The comedian who comes out, he hosts the show. Yeah. Right. And then he talks about all the people who had weird animal body parts, organ, vital organs, brain, it's only red because of all the, all the blood that is licking out of the

urine, the urine in the year. From the backyard, you know, the back of your transplants that everybody got. Oh God. All right, is this anything else? I'm trying to think, I mean, look, my fingers on the trigger about to write it down, but I think the ethical fogwa is a thing from... Yeah. From... Sure. Yeah, that's already mostly written down.

Yeah. You know, this fogwa is made exclusively from evil geese. You know, however evil they are. Yeah, no. You know, in whatever way they are evil. I mean, yeah, it feels like Geese overall haven't a generally evil vibe anyway. Well, they're angry.

Yeah, it could well be that they know what we do. Sure, maybe they talk, maybe they hunk. They hunk among themselves. Anyway, maybe they hunk. They hunk, among themselves. Anyway, you lot hunk among yourselves. Yeah, I mean, I guess the relationship between a human and a goose is so, you know, it's all, it's mostly so sort of confrontational that it feels like the perfect setup for a romantic comedy. Yeah, that sort of standoffish thing at first. At first, it's very, you know, it's very Mr. Dararsie kind of the way they run it you flapping with the next

out. He did come out of a lake dripping. Well, I hear that initially he was supposed to be a goose. That's why he's all dressed in white or whatever? I was supposed to be goose feathers. Pride? Preguguse. What's the name of the male goose? Gander?

No, I think the goose is the goose and the gander is... Wait, yeah. I don't know. Which one is the goose and which one is the gander? Wait, Hens love roosters, geese love ganders. Everyone else loves Ned Flanders. I think it's geese love ganders. Yeah, I'm looking up ganders. I mean, that poem doesn't tell us the answer.

The gander is the male. Is that what you were saying? Yeah. Oh, well, there you go. poem doesn't tell us the answer the gander is the male is that what you were saying yeah Now well there you go Yeah, I think with birds you mostly know that you mostly name the you always name the female first chicken I think Go on There's also the rooster, but you always name the female first. I think that's sort of how it goes Sheep

And then but then you one of my favorite type of birds You know to have a gander at something is usually a pretty casual look at it. That's right. Yeah but I have a proper gander. Propaganda is right at it. It's squawking. With your head as far forward as it can, your balance only held together by your forward motion. Like a segue. It is blade arms. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh. But it's the only way to have a proper good look at something. Yeah, you take in a lot the body, the senses are heightened in that moment.

And that's how our romantic comedy began. All right. Now let's look into this more. The relationship with the goose, the goose as the bad boy, wrong side of the tracks your parents don't agree with you being in a relationship. Yeah, and I think maybe it could be like a, as well as a romantic comedy, it could be like a female version of Hitch. You know that movie? Yeah, it's a reboot. Yes, but it's, you know, like let's say it's, I don't know, some, you know, like a, it could be Meg Ryan.

Yeah, okay, great. You know, it could be Meg Ryan. And, and then she has some weird awful confrontation with this gander at the, down at the local petting zoo, we call her. She's taking her grandchildren or whatever. Mm. And, and's getting his wedding, he's getting his wedding, he's taking her grandchildren or whatever. And then, you know, and then something goes on, but she realizes, I don't know, she, I

don't know, maybe she's forced to face it again. She's, you know, she's her grandchild keeps wanting to go back and then something happens where they, she kind of likes it, actually, no. And then, but she doesn't know the ways of the geese and so then she meets this This quite suave geese a geese set female goose the goose set And but she's like the hitch of the goose. So I don't know. Maybe there's also a doctor do a little element to this

She also starts to be able to talk to animals. This is another one of our classic parody films. You know, I don't know. Very heavy parody episode. I mean, I don't know how. I don't know exactly how. Like if there's no Doolittle bit, how she ends up talking or communicating unless all through, you know, maybe she just gets it all through,

like you know, maybe the goose just sees her, looking the way she's looking at the gander and she gets it. And she shows, and then she shows her how it's done. And then Meg Ryan's like, is that, that goose is just picking up that gander? And then she's like a bit jealous, but then at the same time she wants to learn. And the goose kinda like can see her watching.

And so she shows her again, you know, maybe with another gander. And she's comes back every day with her little notepad and she tries to learn. And she should, there's that scene where it's like, the goose is like, maybe like Meg Ryan tries a move on the gander. And it's a dance move like that thing where you get up on your two sort of webbed feet and you flap your wings up in the air and your neck kind of swings like to the side to side.

Yeah. And it's kind of like a mating dance of some sort. And then the goose comes next to her. And as the gander's walking away disappointed, unimpressed by the mating dance. And she does it next to her. And she's like, ah, you're communicating with me. And I get it. And but I don't get this dance. And then they have that kind of back and forth where they teach each other, well, you know, teachers are the dance how to do it properly and then there's that scene where she finally does do it and Everybody sheds a tear Yeah, and now at the end of this movie it feels like maybe the like

Either either make right has to have sex for the goose or Either, either, Meg Ryan has to have sex for the goose or maybe in the ultimate twist, right? It was the goose who was helping her. Yeah, that's where I think it goes. Suggest the gander that actually ends up hooking up with the gander. Yeah, I think it turns out to be a lesbian relationship, it's much better. Oh, wait, a lesbian relationship. It's much better. Oh wait, so lesbian relationship between Meg Ryan and the goose. I was gonna say that it's the goose that hooks up the gander. So at the end, you just get to watch two geese making love.

Yeah. Okay, well, there's that too. Yeah. I realized it's probably the best way for that to be sex in this movie. I realize we're going to disappoint a lot of people. But maybe they're the kind of people who deserve to be disappointed. And maybe we can selfish this film as something that could be released in cinemas. Sure, yeah, yeah. But I think maybe there's a moment where maybe she realizes she's actually in love with the goose and she steals the goose from the petting zoo. Yes. Right. And then she has to come to a realization that she actually can't have

a relationship with a goose and she's also her super doesn't allow her to have pets in her apartment. And so she brings it back and then she watches them, I guess, have sex. And that's the happy ending, I guess. And this is by the way, this is Meg Ryan, real Meg Ryan. This is Meg Ryan today. Yeah. Yeah, this is Meg Ryan today playing herself and using her real grandchildren in this movie called Sex with a Goose. And the question obviously to everybody,

and everybody's head is who's gonna have sex with this goose? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So the moving pose, just a picture of Meg Ryan and the goose. They're back to back with the goose. Back to back. But white background, they're both standing in the middle. A white background, that's going to make it hard to see the goose. Yeah, it's going sex with the goose. Meg Ryan, the person.

And then you're getting a lot of people looking at the post, a gathered around, gathered around crowd forms. And everyone's asking each other, who has sex with the goose? It seems to imply it's gonna be Meg Ryan. Surely not. Why is she looking so ductively over down to that goose? Meg Ryan today.

But it's like one of those, one of those crime films, where there's not enough suspects. So it's really like, there's not enough characters. So it's really clear that it's going to be one of the, you know, one of the two people that they know that they've introduced in the film is going to have to be the murderer like in Ghost. There's literally no other characters apart from this friend of theirs. Yeah. So he has to have done it. Yeah.

And there's probably like one weird, you know, petting zookeeper or whatever. And then people during the movie will be like, it's probably this creepy, you know, Gerard Depardier character. It's not going to be that guy. It's never the guy that you think it's going to be. No, exactly. He looks like a sex past. Yeah. And the pesting zoo. Yeah. You're welcome. No, you're you're the one who was welcome to make more jokes like that. Yeah, thanks, Al. No, you're welcome.

I am happy with that, Al. Great. I mean, that might even be the title of the episode. It won't be. It won't be. We don't put filthy stuff in the title of the episode. Now, we know that. We learned that with poo in the shorts.

People don't say that. So we learn on this show. It's probably gonna to be potatoes. Potatoes. You say potatoes. I say chats. I've been electrocuted in an electric chair. And I don't know if you know this, but sometimes we have listeners and some of those listeners

sometimes go on our patreon. They give us three bucks so that they can suggest three words for a sketch to inspire sketch at the end of the episode. She had been in. Thank you everyone. Thank you everyone and we're trying to get through them. You know soon we'll probably do an episode where we do a bunch just to kind of get through a lot more because I feel like a lot of people are waiting, you know, some people, you know, it's just not right. I mean, some people are waiting on their second or third, but you know, there's some, you know, there's some newbies. Thank you to everybody who's been signing up.

Who are, you know, they're waiting on their first. But today for some reason, I decided to go on, you know, to somebody who has written, you know, some before, so it's submitted before. It's a good friend and listener to the show is Ellie Durkin. Ellie, hello. And when I say friend, we've never met Ellie, but no, we feel like we've connected over online. And she does great art.

She does great. Remember, I'll put a link to her art in the show notes. Yeah, it's there's some really fun. I think she's selling books. Some little little little little books to her over art. So get on it listeners. Ellie Durkins, it's the listeners who support you and you support them in return. I don't know what I'm saying. Well, okay, well, I've got the three words here, and then I realize that I'm using this weird pen that I'm not sure if I'm reading it correctly,

but while I'm double looking it up, do you wanna have a guess of what the first word might be? Yeah, cluster idiom. Cluster idiom? Definitely not, Andy. The first word is murder. Murder. Murder.

Okay. What about the second word, Andy? Most foul, and it's foul, F-O-W-L, as in chickens and ducks. Or geese. You're getting closer than you think, but you're not in any way on the money. The second word is solving.

Ah. Do you wanna try and guess with the clues I've given you what the third word is? Murder, solving. Okay, well, it is some kind of an animal. Is that right? Mm-hmm. is that right mm-hmm is it mm-hmm yep fish murder solving fish I'm sorry Andy it's not that but it is murder solving bird the murder solving bird the murder solving bird. It's never been seen, it's never been heard.

Is it just in there? Yeah, go. There are, there are, I believe, instances, genuine instances, where a parrot is a witness to a murder And, and something that the parrot has seen or heard. Yeah. They get the parrot to repeat it, and it, it, it, it becomes evidence in court. Now, I'm not totally sure if that's the case. I feel like I need to Google it, but I want it to be true. Sure, I want it to be true too. And maybe a sketch in which somebody has taught somebody

some funny sentence, right? And they did it, maybe as a joke, even as a mean-spirited joke towards the parrot. And the parrot says it over and over, not really knowing what it means, right? But then somebody dies in that apartment, not the owner, and it's somebody else. The owner hasn't, maybe hasn't done it, but the sentence that he had taught the parrot is what incriminates him and then makes him go to jail. It makes it seem like it would be good if you did have a parrot to just teach it to say

that you were innocent, just as like, you know, instead of saying, who's a pretty poly, you teach it every time you give it a biscuit, you get it to say, Andy's innocent, Andy's innocent. You know, just in case you do end up murdering somebody. Sure. Yeah. The carrot, the carrot, the parrot does get called to the stand. How's get called to the stand? I have, there is a case of murder being witnessed by a parrot, but the parrot was not called in court. So they didn't bring it to the stand? They didn't know. Oh, there's another one here.

I don't think it's ever brought to the stand. I don't think it's ever brought into the court case and asked questions. I think it's just what it says might be used as evidence. Yes, right. So rather than being on the stand, it would be perhaps in one of those little zip lock bags to see the...

what's the name? The lawyer gets out of their briefcase and slams down on the desk as a big reveal. But then they realize too late that in both the ceiling and the Ziploc bag and the slamming down on the desk, they have killed the very parrot that they hoped. Would. Exonerate. They're, they're, they're quiet.

Is there a parrot that could solve its own murder? Hmm. Let's say people think like I mean, that's one of those ways where it's like you know obviously it can never be this strict thing but like where but like you know people think that the parrot has been murdered and then but the parrot actually escaped in it. Yeah, you know it's not fun. Probably a storyline from a death and paradise episode. Have you seen that show? I've seen a couple episodes. Really? Yeah. Really? You watch them all the way through? I think I've seen one or two. I think every time I've watched it there's been a

different detective. You watch a bit of free-to-air TV, do you? Yeah, sometimes I've watched a couple episodes of Vera. Really? Yeah, why did you want to talk about Vera? No, well, I just didn't know this about you, especially given your famous distaste for British television of any kind. Well, I didn't say I don't like it. I said I find it very boring. Oh, okay. I think there's a place for boring things.

Yeah, yeah, I agree. I think the general feel is boredom that you get with it, but then within that, you know, once your senses are dulled enough, you know, you can even feel things within the boringness. There are no crime shows with pirates. Are there? I don't think so. Like a crime-solving pirate on a pirate's shoulder. Could be. Like a Sherlock in Holmes. Sure. Okay, here we go go now we've got something else there Sherlock and homes the famous duo

Sure, times in Watson. Oh But but it could be look and Maybe the pirate calls the pirate his home boy and he calls him homes. I'm sure Locke is the name of this pirate. You go. So this sort of like gangster. Well, I think, I think, you know, I think maybe there's a problem with you if you didn't think

if you weren't picturing this pirate, it was a person of color, you know? Yeah, you're right. It's a Somali pirate. It's me. Thanks, Al. And, no, no. And they travel, they travel the seven seas solving crimes. Him and his parents.

This is what it is. Yes, it's a, it's a, it's a sort of a historical crime drama. Right. Those things are very big, but they usually don't go back far enough. So we're going all the way back to pirate times. And it is, it is a, it is a crime-solving pirate. Now that seems like a contradiction in terms somehow. But you know a lot of the time these investigators in shows they have one job and then they do crime-solving on the

side. Right? Like you know, he actually writes crime things, and then he solves crime, Jonathan Creek, he's a magician, so this solves crime on the side, right? This, this one, the pirate, he's a criminal, and on the side, he solves crimes. Well, it's like, it's like that one where the guy was a murderer and then he catches serial killers or whatever. He kills serial killers and then he's a... Dexter. Dexter, but it's like that. But it's more with just petty crimes or murders.

He doesn't commit murders. He just steals booty. Yes. So. But then he also does does track people down and and yeah, he does some light, you know private detective work on the side

Is there anything else? Yeah sure looking homes great great? Sure look at home The name is my favorite thing about it. I've got to say, and pirate. Pirate and parrot do sound very similar. Words do sound very similar. They should have been.

Maybe the whole thing about pirates having a parrot on their shoulder. It's actually just a famous misunderstanding from somebody mishearing the fact that they actually had a pirate on their shoulder. It was just another pirate on there. Yeah, just another pirate. Because pirates were acrobat at the time. They were. They were just traveling acrobatics shows, two man acrobatics shows. You know, they don't do us that dissimilar from the traveling acrobat that I know.

Are we done sketch wise? I think we're done sketch wise Andy. We've zoomed through a lot of sketches today. I think it was a jam packed episode. We got Meet the acquaintances, which is the new episode. This is our sketches for today. It's the new sequel to the Meet the Falkers, but it's also could be called Meet Reality Falker.

And this is the small boy from Little Falkers, who the character wants to be an actor in Hollywood. And he somehow leaves the reality of the film, Little Falkers, and enters the real world to meet Ben Stiller, who helps show him around and introduces him to executives, and they might track down Robert De Niro to see if he can come along for the ride. It's a road trip. It's a road trip movie. I guess maybe they're all in Albuquerque or something at the beginning. Neuronberg style trial for calling small potatoes, potatoes. That's all the stuff, you know, that makes sense. Then we got cooking in the belly of an electric chair, a dire, and we're under their helmet.

And then we've got the Truman Show, but with President Truman. Then we've got the Truman Show, but with a guy who thinks he's a President or something more believable. And then we've got Let Him Fry Grill. That's the electric chair grill. So happy with this. Yeah. And then we've got the foie gras fed foie gras,

which is more ethical in a way. Yeah. And no very accurate seeds. Oh my God, we, oh no, then we've got the goose human romantic comedy, sex with a goose. And then we have the... You gotta go, you're gonna need to see it just to know who has it.

Yeah. And then solving crime, Sherlock and Holmes, parrot and pirate thing. It's just like the BBC will buy any of this stuff and so you've just you've got to come up with the name and the concept quick and just send it off. Exactly. So that's the episode. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well old tweets. At Alistair TV and Andy, James Matthews, no stupid old Andy, and we're at two in tank.

Hey, you kids, you know, support us on Patreon. Or you can go to sospresents.com and get magma. Grab a magma, grab a magma mate. Grab yourself a magma. Grab a magma. Grab a magma mate. Grab yourself a magma mate. And that's it. That's all. There's nothing more. There's no other secret agenda here. There's nothing else. We're not trying to sell you anything else. No. That's the generally free things. Yeah,, the sort of the Patreon, all that kind of thing. But after that, I guess. You can also get a merch, but don't worry about that. Don't, but it's not, we're just enjoying it. Remember, this used to be just about the podcast now.

What are we all about? All these bloody bitches selling all these things. It's become this commercial, this huge commercial enterprise. You know, it used to be about just two guys who come up with ideas about how you could make a movie about sex with a goose. You know, without they're actually being... They did it for the love of it, but now they're just doing it. Oh, and now they actually cut out the goose sex. Back in the day, it would have just been a woman having sex with a goose or a man. Somehow that seems even more vulgar.

Yes, a woman having sex with a man. Anyway, thanks very much for listening and we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. It's not optional, you have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah.

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