Two In The Think Tank - 262 - "THE GLOBULE"

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

Numeral Kingdom, So Sober, Reverse Diving, Water Based Space Sub, Wild Animal Scrub, Piss Purple Office, Slippery Sliderator, Wet Front SliderListen to Frontier War Stories podcast HERECheck out Andy on Do Go On talking about Matthew Brady, The Gentleman BushrangerGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereVacuum sealed thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Multitask right now. Quote today at Progressive.com.

Progressive casualty and trans company in Affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed, who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential Savings will vary. This counts not available in all safe and situations. visit planetbroardcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. to you that horse. Alistair, welcome to Two in the Think Tank to show where we come up with five sketch ideas. By way, I mean you and me, by five sketch ideas, I mean the number five. I have sketch ideas that we do.

That's great. Thank you very much for... Is that my way just to start fucking it? No, no, Andy, that was great. I was, I think I was lost in the lost in the world of a guy at a bar. Yes. Sand, can you send, can you send that horse over there who's also in the bar, a water?

Yeah, is this a reference to you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink? Is that what you do in there? Well, I'm sure that there's, I'm sure some of the elements were borrowed from that but obviously this is very different. Is it a wide along face? Is that a wide along face kind of thing?

Can you consider it a bit more? It might be because the man finds that length of face very attractive. That horsey face. Mm. Very, very, yeah, cool. I get it. I mean, what's not to like?

If what about this, you find eyes, very, you don't like eyes, right? You find eyes gross. You're just a guy, doesn't like eyes or a gown. You're not an eye guy, right? But then if you're not an eye guy, who better to kiss than a horse? So that when you're making out out the eyes are so far away

From the mouth where you are kissing the horse Yeah, I mean Yeah, but you still get to see one eye you'd still get to see at least one eye and also the eyes are quite large There must be proportionally speaking it all is a wash large. There might be proportionally speaking, it all is a wash. Maybe a horse, while you're kissing it, looks exactly like a human. Maybe all that foreshortening of the various features. True. They average out. I mean, I'm not sure I don't know how that would work with the point of years. No, but I think that's, you know, I think you're probably right. If you kiss a horse from the right angle, we'd probably look exactly like kissing a human.

Because you probably wouldn't see the back legs because they would be hidden behind the front legs as well. And so then you'd only see two legs, which, and you know, a horse can be around the same height as a, as a man or a woman. Yep. Yeah. Um, the point to you, but it could be or a woman. Yep, yep. The point to you knows it. But it could be like a hat.

It could be like a hat where you wear it that has those ears. Could just be a horse, one of those horse mask things that are so funny. You know, there's a rubberized horse, mask things. What about the- But remember, you don't like eyes. A human, what about those, but a human head,

but for horses. Here you go. Here we go. A pantomime human costume. Yeah. For horses to wear. I think we have, Andy, we have come up with a sketch idea. Yeah, great. I'm glad.

It's a suit, so you can put two horses into it to make one look like a man. You put two horses in. You don to make it look like a man put two horses in You don't make it look like two people It's two horses in and what to be one man. I think to me pantomime is pantomime is a synonym for two two Has interesting. I'm what is something else that is made up of two parts that you could refer to as a pantomime X? You know, like a like a like a deuterium atom, right? No, no, that's not.

And helium, that's two protons, but then that's two, that's two. A pair? Neutrons as well. A pair, a pair what? Like a like the fruit? What do you mean? P-A-I-R. That's something that's made up of two. You're right, you're absolutely right. So you consider a pair to be a pantomime one, is that? It's a pantomime one, well, I mean, I think a marriage is a pantomime singlehood. Well, people climbing into the one relationship and pretending like they're one person,

like they're a single unit. I guess a one is made up of two halves. And so it is a pantomime one and that there's two halves in there hiding inside of it. two halves in there hiding inside of it. How's this going for a conversation? So one of the most abstract things you can possibly do. No, I think I like that. It's a...

So in a way, there's two halves in here. So it's a pantomime, too. Yeah. Like, no, not a way. Okay. No, a one, no. Is a pantomime two or is two is a pantomime one? And two is a pantomime one.

Yeah, I think that's what it is. I think a two is a pantomime one. Or is a half? Oh, but not really. Yeah, because it's not trying to be a one, is it? But if you get two halves and add them together to get a one, it's not really a one, it's a pantomime one. Like what's interesting about numbers, right,

is that once you add two halves together and to get a one, there's no trace, you can't see the join in the one, there's no way to tell that it was ever two halves. I bet you information theory or something like that has some answers there. Well it would be amazing if for more numbers. If for all numbers you could track their history and find out what numbers they'd previously been a part of.

This three actually originated when somebody factorized 27. Well there's probably a conservation of numbers in that regards and And they and a number cycle That where numbers go places They sort of read cardite in some way. Yeah, and then they go into big numbers and then over time those big numbers are broken down into smaller numbers Yeah, yeah, and then those numbers then You know are small so they're easier to use and then they get used and then added up into smaller numbers. Yeah. And then those numbers then, you know, are small, so they're easier to use and then they get used and then added up into bigger numbers.

In fact, to bigger numbers again. Hmm. I mean, like what if instead of money, right, is this a sketch? Instead of money. Yeah. We just numbers are our currency and there's only a limited number of numbers. And if you want to do maths, you've got to get the numbers from somewhere. And then you've got to exchange other smaller numbers. Like the reason you would want to add a five and a five together is because you have two fives but what you really want is a 10. Now I know what it sounds like I'm doing here is just money, but I'm not, it's just the numbers. It's the numbers, there's no money. But wait, wait, wait, wait, but if you said that there's a limited amount of numbers, does that mean that there's only like one of each? No, there's not one of each, no, okay, no,

but they are, they are limited. They are final. So let's say that they've released only a million of each number. Yeah. Great. Okay. And then that's fine. And when God made the numbers, he thought that would be enough. Well, he didn't think that there'd be so many people. Or so many people doing so much maths. But we're using up all the numbers now with all the computers and the phones and that sort of thing. Numbers are being used up in unprecedented rate. Some sort of situation where the government wants to put a man on the moon say, and that

requires a lot of numbers, a lot of maths. And so they do this public campaign and they get people to donate numbers that they're not using. Well, that's nice. Like, numbers that they've just got, they've said have been just collecting in a jar at home. Yeah, in some way it's sort of abstract jar. I think the numbers will have to be represented by sort of a very swirly, gaseous sort of ever shifting, changing thing.

They're somehow like the numbers are an innate piece of space time that takes on this very interesting, mythical, mystical looking form. But they couldn't just look like a number? No, they can't just look like a number. I mean, they do look like the number, but they've got a kind of a shimmery, scratchy, weirdness to them.

And maybe you've sort of, or they're almost like animals. You keep them in a pen in the back yard. So you've sort of, or they're almost like animals. You keep them in a pen, in the back yard. So you've kind of got a number familiar. I've never got one cat in this. Maybe one of them travels around on your shoulder, like Pikachu. Mm, yeah, great.

Maybe, you know, some of the really big numbers, you've got to break this spirit when you catch them in the wild. And then when you go play the lotto numbers, you know, you got that number in your shoulder and you go 25, I choose you. And he jumps on to your little form. Yes. And he circles the number. 34. I choose you. You just need to get out some numbers out of your pocket. You go 76. It's mostly just money, but there's way more yelling and vaulting.

Yeah, it's way more yelling and the numbers jump around. And like if you want to use a number somewhere else, you've got to rub it out from somewhere else as well, you know. But then you can get new numbers by breaking down big numbers, by factorizing. I mean, what if maybe you could, instead of mining, getting a job in a mine, you have a job just factorizing big numbers down into small numbers for people to use in their everyday lives. So what if there was, it was numbers instead of animals?

Yeah, okay. Yeah. And then, and so everybody's, you know, and then you could, I mean, so that way you could, you could still use them in work everybody's, you know, and then you could, I mean, so that way you could, you could still use them in work, like, you know, so that's like, it's like farming or whatever, but it's also like, you know, the meat industry or whatever,

you're cutting them down so that people can buy some ones and things like that. But then you can also go and fight numbers. Yeah. Right? Underground. To find out which runs bigger, because people don't also don't really have a good sense.

No, they just don't, they go 53 versus 22. 53 wins. So numbers are out there, right? They're in some sense a physical entity, but we don't understand them. And like, you know, Like you couldn't say which dog is a higher dog than another dog in a numerical sense. We haven't actually placed the numbers into numerical order. We haven't managed that. And so the way that we work out which number is bigger is by making them fight. That's right. It's really early days of math before there was any category system.

Yeah, this is my favorite idea ever. And this and all its fucked implications. I love it. Because in a way, in a way a number, a number't, like a 25 isn't a two and a five. Yeah, no, it's not. It's a quantity, you know, it's a, it's an amount, right? But maybe in this world they're not, they don't manifest themselves as a two and a five, even though the viewer might see them as a two and a five.

Mm, the viewer, you, the viewer. and a 5. The viewer, the viewer. The number just exists and then, all right. That's very good. Now, I'll stay before I forget the whole God I'm already forgetting, hang on, I'm going to drag this idea back by its tail. Oh, just as I was thinking, as we were talking about all of this, I was like, this is the kind of thing that I imagine people talk about when they're on drugs, right?

And you know, that famous sort of, that's the famous thing that people would say to, you know, wacky comedians or musicians, oh, you must have been on so much, so many drugs when you came up with these ideas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But nobody ever says the opposite to people who come up with very mundane or boring ideas.

Oh, you must have been so sober when we came up with that. So when they do a boring story, or just a normal story. Or just like when you present a report at work, you know, and it's just the levels in the overflow tanks at the Bendigo Reservoir graft over a six month period. And it's pretty stable. And you're like, oh man, yeah, you must have been off so many drugs. Yes, you must have had a whole bunch of waters before you came up with that. Oh, I did actually, and that affected some of the results that you can see on page three when the reservoir dropped. Yeah, correct. Well, I guess he also seen the water level in the reservoir drop. That was what I was referring to.

But I like your one. It's written down, Andy. I think it's a really decent one. Everything's a reservoir, isn't it? Everything's a fucking reservoir. When you think about it, isn't it? Every cell of your body is a fucking reservoir. A cup is a reservoir of water.

Or whatever it is. When you close it, when you close a door, that room is a reservoir of air. What about this, a coffee reservoir? Now, I'm not sure exactly where this, how this works, but maybe it's in a situation where coffee is somehow like processed centrally, maybe it can't be made in the home. Sure.

The or or we've found a much more efficient and more effective way of extracting the coffee flavour, but it can only be done on an industrial scale. And so there are these enormous, open air coffee reservoirs. And they're warmed with geothermal energy. Yeah, they're constantly bubbling. Ed, Ed, and you, I guess you visit there with a big thermos and you fill it up, you know, once a month. So you can go, you can go coffee picking with your family, which is just, you put on a big, big sort of thermal rubber glove.

Yeah. And then you have your big coffee plunger, and that's why they're called plungers, because you plunge it into the reservoir. Not. And that's why they're called plungers, because you plunge it into the reservoir. Not like they are now where they're called plungers because you plunge it down. Because you push it stick. Now the day has some meaning.

I don't think they really are plunging, because I think plunging is more something you do to a toilet. Does plunge in French plunge, does that mean dive or something? Yeah, I think that does mean dive or diver. Of course we use plunge to mean dive as well, don't we? It's not like it's a...

What a word, plunge. You don't take the plunge, you give the plunge. That makes it suggest like the plunge is something that you're live with. This is a new kind of diving, right? Or is it new? This is a new experience. But you stand in a, stand perfectly upright, right? Like in a pin drop with your arms pointed above your head in an empty Olympic-sized swimming

pool. And then above your head, there is a full, there's another full swimming pool, right? But suspended, you know, sort of a big thing with big doors at the bottom, like a big sort of bay, right? Big reservoir, if you will. And then, and then they just dump that whole thing down on top of you. Bam!

And it's sort of inverse diving, whether in Soviet Russia, the water dives on to you. Yeah, so wait, so you're in an empty swimming pool, so it's got no water in it. An empty swimming pool, no water, empty water. Okay, right. But then you see you dive, you dive in. Well, no, you're standing there, right? Okay, you're in the middle, you're already at the bottom. You're already at the bottom. In a sort of a diving position with your hands up above your head and then the water

sort of comes down on top of you as like one big slab. You imagine such a thing. Slab of liquid. And it can. And it hits you at the exact same speed that you would hit the water if you were diving from the top of a diving board. But I just wonder in what ways the experience would be different as well. Would you be killed, for example? Would you be killed instantly? Well, I guess when you do have a dive, you don't do it like you don't have concrete under your feet. Under your feet, that's interesting, isn't it? I mean, would it be the equivalent of diving into the water

and then just smashing onto the floor straight away? Mm. Because I think it would be a little bit more like, so I guess the way to find whether, you know, find the equivalence maybe, would be to try, with, to try diving. But what you do instead of diving is you hang upside down from a concrete slab. If you can imagine that a slab of concrete.

Yeah, I can. And then that slab of concrete is dropped into the pool. Alex, I'm not convinced that this isn't an allergy. No, wait, wait, wait. But obviously, we're not going to slam you into the ground underneath the water because that wouldn't be equivalent. So I think there'll be some stoppers somewhere there to stop the concrete. Stop the concrete. But then I think that your legs would be yaked out of their sockets.

You'll strap to this concrete, aren't you? Or it'll have a cushioning effect, I think. Maybe you and the concrete are in freefall, right? At the same rate, but you're not attached to the concrete. It's just that because you're both falling together, you're able to stand on it. And how would you set that up? So let's say, okay, so you fly, so it's an open air pool. You fly a slab of concrete, roughly what? 500 meters of kilometer up, right?

Great. Cool. Now, you're, I guess, one of those things. This is the great thing. The slab of concrete is just slightly bigger than the area of the pool. So there's no risk of the concrete coming down and crushing you. It'll land on the edges of the pool, and you'll be able to plunge into the pool.

And from that sense, I think we're really simulating the Doveg experience here, LSD, we've nailed it. Well, no, we're simulating the reverse diving experience. Okay, so then you drop the concrete, I guess your you're being held by a guy in a jet pack Who is I guess as the concrete starts falling he's cutting his thing Well, he has he has to use his jet pack to accelerate downwards and get out of the way. He's also holding it.

He's appearing with the results. This is solid. That's right, yeah. And he's holding you upside down. So you're kind of being held sort of toda, foot, you know, toda face and face to toe. And I think in a kind of wrestling move, oh no, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, that works for me. Yeah. And then eventually once, you know, you're, he's matched to basically blasting it to your face, which is, but he's melted off, but you've got some kind of tough lawn Kevlar face shield. No, no, that wouldn't, that wouldn't perfectly replicate this reverse diving experience. And then then he gets out of the way when when you when you guys have matched velocities or accelerations or whatever you know I guess you always match accelerations as long as you're falling for

the same amount of time. Yep. And then and then and then bam and then... Bam! And then bam, I guess, then we'll see what happens. But I guess he's got to get your feet right on the base. I mean, I have so many problems with this idea and I had them right at the start but I didn't say anything because I didn't realize I could possibly go on for this long. Yeah. But now it's so far into it that I can't bring them up now either, because it will undermine a large portion of the podcast. So you reckon there's a sketch idea in

this album? It's a tough one. I mean, because I think, I think, you know, it's reasonable for after so many generations of us being the ones that dive into water We would be interested to know what it feels like to have water dive on to us. That's true look But we haven't We aren't able to simulate we aren't able to do that exactly as I said in my first example for some reason Can't remember what the reason was that we can't do it but but now we can do something much worse and more complicated that will achieve the same effect. Look, I've written, testing if diving is the same as reverse diving and is the same as

reverse reverse diving. Great, that'll do me. That sounds like how you test a mathematical relationship. If you can do it both ways and then back the other way again, yeah, you've, you've, that's, that's 100%. That's one more one in which you, I guess you could, you could take all of the water and the concrete and the person and shoot them all in the same direction just to see what happens Yeah, okay, so they're moving along at the same speed the water a big slab of water

Yeah, right now are you is there an atmosphere here? because I Kind of wish we could do this in space. It would be so much easier. Well, it's quite interesting. You should say that because I was thinking before while we were talking with this, and I'm sorry if this is too distracting from that really good and important sketch idea. But why couldn't you have a vessel, a space vessel that was a big bubble of water. Like a big, I don't know why this, I've got this idea, but you could potentially fly around in a big bubble of water. And there's something in the middle that kind of does,

you know, where you can breathe and stuff. But by a bubble of water, you mean, like a droplet basically, right? Yeah, but it's a bubble is usually a bubble of water, you mean like a droplet basically, right? Yeah. But it's a bubble is usually a gas or air, but you're referring to a sort of a solid droplet or like, you know, a full big droplet of water held together, I assume, under its own gravity. Is that the idea?

Yeah, yeah. I think in space, like, you know, in space you gravity. Is that the idea? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think in space, like, you know, in space, you've seen them squirt out a bit of water in the international space station. Yes. And that stays together, you know, as a bubble of water or whatever unless you get it.

It does, yeah, but that is not in a vacuum. And I'm not sure how this would play out in the vacuum-as-space, Oh, yeah. That the water might either evaporate or freeze. Yeah, that's true. Or possibly both. But that's not, but freezing isn't necessarily bad, right? Like you have your big droplet out there, it freezes around the outside.

You've got, this is actually very good science-fiction-hours there, that the outer shell freezes instantly, right? Now, someone comes along with their blaster, they're shooting at your liquid spaceship. Sure, they shoot through the outer layer of ice. What happens instantly? The next layer underneath freezes, now on contact with the vacuum of space.

Yeah. And now you've got, like it's a self-healing sort of ice ship. Yeah, and it's a very good idea. Oh, wow. This is really working out for me here. Because of all that shit about like shields are down and all that kind of stuff that they do in Star Trek and stuff. The shield thing is just like a made up, it's a narrative device more than it is a mechanical or a feasible science fiction idea.

Yeah, but shoot your ship up with a bubble of water and it does become a bubble with that outer crust of solid ice. Yeah, yeah, I think that everyone would agree that that's what a bubble is. Well, it's pretty bubbly, it's round. It's got a spherical out of crust. And your head has somewhere inside this, you know, with a deep, with a thick layer of water around you that is kept liquid by heating. Yeah, well, because you're probably, you're probably propelling. In a little submarine, basically. You're probably propelling yourself in some way through space.

And so some of the heat from that will kind of keep the stuff close to you. You're basically in a submarine in the middle. Yep. Or at least a submersible. It would be so good to be able to create gravity fields, right, to generate gravitons and create gravity fields. Because then what you could do is you could just start

up a start out with a certain amount of momentum, right? Or you know your spaceship could just be going fast to begin with. And then all you got to do is bend space time here and there so that it curves your path to steer. And you don't actually need any propulsion. You just you just keep bending space to allow you to go in the direction that you want to go. Some kind of gravity pliers. Yeah. It's kind of like doing pinball in space, but there are no things to bounce off, so you just have to... So basically you bend the

space just a slight bit forward, like a slight gradient down. So it's kind of like a space becomes like a downward hill for you. Yeah. Self-propelling and in some way you're... You're always rolling down this potential slope that you've created. But will you go around in a circle? That's probably what's going to happen, right? But if you make your circle spherical, large enough, you could get to places that you want. Yeah, and also you

can switch it on and off, right? So remember you start falling down towards something and then you just switch it off and then you just keep rolling. Oh, yeah. As a twer. Anyway, this is very... Is there a sketch idea? Water ship. What about this? Water ship. What about this is a vehicle showcase. It's one of those things where they announced new cars. And, you know,

the high unday has got a new people mover that has, and they are announcing that it's got Bluetooth in the backseat now. The kids can connect to the Bluetooth. Every seat has a separate Bluetooth connection. Yeah. Right? And that's their big announcement. And then, somewhere back in the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue to the blue fabric of reality to allow you to accelerate and move. And you know, you can be shot at by enemy ships and it's okay. You know, they just have such an entirely unprecedented thing that it just, it's just, it's funny by virtue of the contrast with the, the other cars being announced to the car shop. That's just what Volkswagen opened announcing.

Is that a sketch? Yeah, I think. Yeah, great. I mean, I think it's a nice idea. I mean, it kind of feels, it's probably the next step when you're creating sort of hydrogen vehicles that you would create hydrogen and oxygen vehicles. Yes, and then eventually, the vehicle gets smaller and the hydrogen and the oxygen

get bigger and you just, you don't want to have to carry it around in those compressed, I mean, I think only the hydrogen gas you have to carry around a compressed sack or whatever they're put into. So you're sick of that, I'm going to do that. So you just create a gravitron generating machine. And at first it's just for on earth, but then you realize, well, you're picking up a lot of dirt as you kind of travel along, makes your vehicle a bit heavier. So you want to take it to where there is no dirt. The great undirted space.

Ah, yes, the dirtless expanse. The old no dirt. Do I have a refurter space as no dirt? Well, the fur to the ocean is the big drink. So it feels perfect right as it would be the old, the old mouthfullessness, the way the old mouthful. Oh, well, the old no mouthful of dirt. I think that the water spaceship, like the globule going through space in just like a globule of water would be great. The globules are great for the vehicle. The globule would be for a

sort of an aquatic space. Like if you became a super intelligent aquatic species, that's what you would do. You know, I mean, that's basically what we do, right? We take, because you think about it, if fish made space ships, they'd have to be full of water. We make space ships and they're full of air. They're full of air. If all of the space ships they would be full of dirt or worms, right? This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now.

You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Multitask right now. Quote today at Progressive.com Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National average 12 months savings of $744 by new customer surveyed who saved with progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary, discounts not available in all safe and situations.

It would be a mold would be a mold based creature wouldn't fill their their spaceship would be filled like a vegetable crisper. No, I said mold, but not mold, but you're right. If it was a mold one, it would be a vegetable crisper, but it would be a compost heap. That's interesting, isn't it, that like in all these That's interesting, isn't it, that like in all these alien civilizations, whenever you go onto one of their spaceships, it's always like, if not breathable air, it's always a gaseous, it's like an atmosphere that they have inside the ship. You never go into a ship and it's full of water or liquid methane or dirt or rotting vegetable matter. But imagine if the first super intelligent pan-galactic species was some kind of filthy scavenging, like a weird bug rat.

Yeah, fungicide bug rat and it just comes out of its stink pod. Yeah, they're super intelligent, but they love to eat garbage and they burrow through it and stuff and they land on earth in there you know amazing looking spaceship and that door on the front opens up and just this tidal wave of rotten food just pours out. Yeah those are all over the president who's there. Lyndon Johnson. Lyndon LBJ all the way with LBJ. That's my motto. Was that a joke about BJ? No, I don't know, surely not,

because that's not going all the way. Is it getting a BJ? But it's L for long. Ah, right. I mean, going all the way with LBJ does sound like we wanted to fuck him. If you're an international listener, you will know perhaps of LBJ, the American president, who took over after Kennedy.

But when he came to Australia, our then prime minister who I believe was Alistair. Menses, maybe. Maybe. Oh, Pigeon Bob, right? Yeah. He had a famous saying which was that Australia was all the way with LBJ. Maybe it was Holt. Maybe it was Harold Holt.

Anyway, we haven't examined that phrase all that much. Entered into the lexicon to a certain extent. But it does sound like that we as a nation did want to have have sex with him and maybe that's why they made Harold Holt disappear Because they were worried that he was going to lead the entirety of Australia into an enormous gangbang all of them into one BJ All of Australia Yeah, now I mean it's much easier to imagine, no, maybe it's not, I was going to say,

it's much easier to imagine LBJ giving the BJ to everyone in Australia than it is to imagine everyone in Australia giving a BJ to LBJ because I think, oh, but I guess if they're not simultaneous, then it's either way it's achievable. It might just be hard to get the security clearances for everyone. Mm. Do you think there's a chance that a creature that would come to this country from an alien ship is a water is a water-based creature?

And because they're a water intelligent creature, they came and just went into the water. And then they go, oh. And they look around. No, it doesn't seem like anyone's that intelligent here. And then they just get out and they leave. Imagine that, you travel all the way across the universe, but you're so narrow-minded that you don't think that the pinnacle of civilization could be on the land. Or it could be that they land on,

and then they open the hatch, and all the water drains out of their spaceship. Right? And then they come out like a sort of, they basically look like a goldfish and they just flop onto the ground there and they just flap around a bit and then they suffocate. Well, all those, all those, all those, all those, those, those sort of aliens you see know from that Roswell thing, they all look like they're relatively wet. They do.

They sit down. They kind of have a shiny thing which which is something that requires more moisture. I think maybe they could just be... Shining us and moisture are inextricably linked. Yeah, they've got a bit more of a squid-type skin. I was going to say squid-type squid. Well, I'm glad you didn't say that. Yeah.

Yeah, it's weird that they landed on the land, but maybe that's the crash element was that they crashed onto the land instead of landing in the ocean by mistake because I don't know because on their planet water looks like dirt. I don't know That was close and he knows it. I mean, it would almost narratively work. Oh, I lost it. I've lost it. You know, well, you can't lose it yet, Andy. We've written down four things. Four things. I love that they're things. I love that they're not sketch ideas. But this is season two, baby. This is even the second half of season two. Is this the power of season two?

The power of season two? Andy, it's not the second half of season two. First season one lasts for 200 episodes. Yeah, if it's season two, it's only 100. We only got recommission for another 100 episodes because they were, they did that for the budget. They were at 100% that we had it in us. And they knew that we have to do 300 at the end of that one

That's the equivalent of another 60 episodes is that right? 300 that's I think that's right. Oh my god. That is 60 episodes out there Well, so what but you know 200 was 40 episodes Well, so, you know, 240 episodes. Six episodes, that's more than a year's worth of podcasts. You know what that means? By the time we finish that episode, we've got to do the 400 episodes. No, we don't.

Oh, we got it. Oh, we got it. Oh, good Lord. Good Lord, we'll reach that point where we just are able to stop. We could technically just count the number of sketch ideas that we've done, and then rearrange all the episode numbers so that we rearrange it

so that it's five ideas on each one. And then see how many episodes we've done, really. Really? So we could say episode 100 is probably on each one and then see how many episodes we've done. Really. Really. So we could say episode 100 is probably episode like, you know, 125, 2, 210 or something. I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. I like it, I like it.

I like it. This is what we're going to dedicate our time to. We're quite busy at the moment, but I think we've spent the next week redone bringing all the podcasts. That will be a good use of ours and everybody else's time. Yeah. And Ben, do you think the fox, do you think there's a more beautiful animal than the fox? A really great question. It's going to be hard to top it, isn't it? I mean, if you see a real clean fox, like real clean, I think a lot of it is just that there's

you've seen a lot of dirty foxes. Well, I think that your average urban fox, you know, he's getting into the bins and that sort of stuff and is padding around on the gravel. And I just don't think that they keep themselves nice like those bush foxes do. And I think you want to fox in England as well where it's not so dusty. And you can see them in that kind of little bit wet, maybe there a little bit wet. You want to fox it's a little bit wet. Isn't like looking, you know, isn't being a bit wet.

Doesn't that make you look a bit oily? No way. Yeah, you're in a bit ragged and then your hair isn't as fluffy as perhaps. Yeah, no, you want that light fluffy hair. Very thin, you know. It's passing your hand through something that doesn't exist.

He's a concept that will, that could very well be a sketch idea, right? It's a, because, because what do we have at the moment? We have landscape gardeners who will come and clean up your, you know, floral environment. Right? We'll, we have dog groomers who will come and clean your domesticated animals. Make them look beautiful. But what about a service that will come and catch the wild animals in your environment

and just make them look 110%. And clean them. And they groom. Yeah, wild animal groomed. They will groom forci. It's a cross between a snake catcher and a dog groomer. They will catch the snakes and they will make them look beautiful and then release them back into the environment, back into your house.

Back into the animals that are around your house, but then also the ones that are inside your house. I think if you have mice, if you have cockroaches and things like that, you know, using q-tips to sort of polish their backs. Getting them up on the hoist, turn them upside down, clean the carapace. Now you don't have to worry about getting germs from them as well, right?

It's actually quite, it allows you to live in a little more harmony with these creatures. You don't care if a cockroach scuttles across your food. Maybe this is how the sketch starts. Some people are having dinner with, you know, it's a nice dinner they're having with some friends that they've invited around. And then all of a sudden, a cockroach scuttles across the dinner plate, the steak of one of the woman guest. And she screams, it has a cockroach and then they're,

oh, so don't worry, we've had them cleaned. We found this wonderful new service. And they clean everything and they've cleaned the cockroaches. It's perfectly safe. You could eat off them. In fact, look at Robert. They lick it. And then you see Robert, and there's like a cockroach with just a stack, like a little pile of homus on his back. Mm-hmm.

And he's just lickin' the back of this cockroach and he's giving a little bit to the cockroach. He's feeding some with the cockroach. He's doing that thing that you do like with a dog that some people will do. Well, they'll put one end of a dog bone in their mouth. Is this the thing that people do in my imagine? Yeah, they do that with cockroaches as well. They put a little bit of hummus in their mouth. They let the cockroach eat their mouth a little bit. The other end of the hummus. So much to the lady in the trap, sort of noodle situation, but with a bit of hummus in a cockroach. Yeah, but we rarely ever get to kiss an insect

on the mouth. We started this episode kissing a horse on the mouth. Only because it looked like a human from that angle. Yeah, this is evolved. You know? Now it's a cockroach. We know it's a cockroach, but we know that it's clean. Well, that's right, because I keep picturing, you know that thing that you pull out from a set of nail clippers and there's that little arm that you can pull out that's kind of got the file on it,

but then the little hooky bit at the top. Yeah. So I mean, I picture using that bit to just, you know, in the gaps between the panels on a cockroach. Yeah, yeah. On the belly of a cockroach or whatever. Just getting it in there, kind of getting any gunk out,

like that, maybe using a little toothbrush. Clean that shit out. That's the service they provide, like every nook and cranny. So really good. On your creepy cruelly. Nook and cranny on your creepy cruelly. But then also you know they clean the birds that live around you or just that are migrating by. I give them an enema. I give them a little bird to coffe the enema. A little coffe the enema. Yeah, I think that's good. Well, Andy, I don't know if you know this, but we have listeners and some of them can donate to our

Patreon and then... Which is so kind. It's one of the kindest things that anyone could ever do, especially in these trying times. Well, and then they can suggest three words for the anniversary, you know, for a sketch at the end of an episode. And this one, probably, these words were probably donated quite a long, quite some months ago. But these come from the dog hair network. Oh my goodness, how do I dog hair network? Yes, it's a pot.

Yeah, Rory, it's a podcast network from Scotland in the United Kingdom currently. Uh-huh, yeah. Depending on how you feel about it, Rory, we are very pro-oranty Scottish independence. That's right. We will allow you to form our opinion as, as a political, as a Patreon tier, where you can dictate one of our significant political opinions. On a very specific regional... Yes, on a geopolitical issue that does not affect us in any way. That's right. There's a lot of

sort of Middle Eastern and Israeli opinion up for grabs if anybody wants us to. Yeah. Hold a very strong opinion on that. Nice non-controversial stuff. Well, this network has provided these three words. Do you want to try to guess what the three words are? Reputation. No. Trench code. Links?

No. Poison. No. Poison. Uh, links again, but spelt the other way? No. The answer is war. Trench coat, poison, war. Is that right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, trench coats, I imagine I call that because they were worn in the trenches. Is that right? Like probably a first world war. And, and, and, obviously, of course, they did use it in the first world war. They were chemical, chemical weapons were not illegal at that point. I believe it. Oh, I smell like a sketch coming up.

Floring gas was often used. Oh, so it would have smelled a bit like a pool. It would have smelled a bit like a pool. It would have smelled a bit like a swimming pool. Yes, which would have been exciting for a moment. You thought, oh, finally. You caught your head up from the trench. The Germans are putting in a pool.

And then what should it occur, but you die horribly. Mm. It enormous. Blood in the lungs. Blood in the lungs. Sort of chug. Poo didn't normally. Blood in the lungs. Blood in the lungs. You sort of chubby. A pooling, blood pooling in the lungs. And you say, oh, there was a pool after all.

Boy is my face red. From the blood I am coughing up. My mouth and my lungs. And my trench coat is also stained red. Is this? Is this anything? Is this good? Is this good, Rachel?

Tell you what. Sort of mock for the... Oh, we're not mocking for... No, we're not mocking, I'm... Not mocking the soldiers. We're mocking the victims of war. That's right. Not mocking, mocking our servicemen.

We're mocking the ones who died. The ones that I killed. Yes. I agree with that, Andy. I agree. I mean, is there anything in the pool angle though, the fact that it does smell like a pool, it stings when you get in your eyes? Yeah, and it bleaches your hair a little bit, maybe.

Oh, yeah. And it makes the air turn purple when you pee in it. Yeah. Maybe that's why. That's why it was so embarrassing. The Germans were doing it because they wanted to know, we'll know if you've peed here, we'll know if you've peed in the trenches.

We'll know where you've peed throughout Europe. It will be very obvious where people peed. From now on. That's what they wanted to do. Really, we're just trying to stop people peeing in certain places. That's how it was going to make a great Germany, a great large Germany. This is not in any way, anything. When I picture the train's copy. We did talk about the peeing purple thing a while ago on a separate podcast. is not in any way anything. I mean, when I picture the transfer thing, the ping purple thing a while ago on a separate podcast. And we didn't, I don't think we came up with a sketch idea with it, opt for it.

But I think it would be good like you come into, in any scenario you come into a business meeting, right? Or a boardroom meeting, and the boss tells you, and oh, and by the way, these chairs, these desk chairs are with a special coating that turns purple, so we'll know if you've peed on them. And you know, you could get your house painted with a special paint that turns purple

if somebody pees on it, so you'll know. I've put that in a lot of places in the office, and I'm not going to tell you exactly where, but basically it will let me know if you've peed anywhere. That the soup, I've put that chemical in it, so I'll know if you've peed in the soup. That's a really good idea. I mean, it gets, but then you'd probably end up seeing it from people touching things and leaving marks from having a bit of pee on their hands. This is a future, but I mean, that's the thing that people would be interested in.

I'd be interested to know if people aren't watching the house. This is in a future in which, you know, how we were all paranoid about needles in strawberries. There was a nationwide panic at the start of the year about people putting needles in strawberries at the supermarket and potentially kids getting them in their mouths and stuff. I don't think it actually got it anywhere, but it was like the Prime Minister was involved. We made new laws specifically to target people who were doing this. But what if the thing that we became terrified of was people peeing in things? It just became this national hysteria. And so there were these solutions of having coatings everywhere.

and you know, pants monitoring equipment. Well, though, if you've taken your pants down anywhere that isn't the bathroom, somehow. It's so childish paranoia that we all have, but it's taken perfectly seriously by everyone. Look, I like that. I mean, I love it with the guy, you know, the office guy who says these put it around the office. So you liked it at the start and then you sort of lost interest a little bit as it went on. Well, I mean, look, I don't mind if it becomes a national thing. I think that that could be a great thing in that universe.

You know, it really gives that sketch, you know, a place to go. And we could probably maybe even turn it into a half hour sitcom, in that universe, it really gives that sketch a place to go. And we could probably maybe even turn it into a half hour sitcom, maybe a pilot, and then see if maybe it gets picked up for a season. It's sort of, let's do Black Mirror, right? But... Bikeshirt. Bikeshirt, but like, the body like it like if we did it.

It's what we'll do. Yeah, gray window, but you were gonna say something a second ago. Oh, man, I wish I remember and I'm very sorry that it was about the trench coat. You said something when I hear the trench coat. I think yeah, no the trench coat thing just makes me think of I think yeah, no the trench coat thing just makes me think of It's a man in a woman on a date and the man is wearing a trench coat and But what what happens is as they're walking up ahead there's one of those big

holes that you know that bad guys dig to catch either people or animals or whatever Mm, and any sees that and he goes, ah, the lady, I don't want to put her out. So he lays his coat over the hole. Yeah. And then he goes, after you. And then she steps on it and falls into the hole. Is that something?

I mean, God, I mean, the idea that you would lay your coat down in a puddle for a woman to walk over is so deranged that you wouldn't just point it out to get it to walk around the puddle. Yeah, across the street or... And what does worse pick them up and carry them? Carry them, sure, but don't... I mean, because I feel like you put your coat in the puddle, the muddy water's just going to soak straight through. Her shoes are still going to get wet. If that was the concern, or is the woman barefoot or just wearing socks

in this scenario? Because getting wet socks I will agree that is a nightmareish scenario. I'd rather have a filthy puddle soaked coat that I would wet socks. Well I guess maybe people used to get ringworm from walking barefoot around. Maybe people used to get ringworm from walking barefoot around. That could be it. And maybe this person was wearing shoes, but maybe they're much more ringworm conscious. Here's a scenario. The queen is scooting on her back down the street.

She's lying on her back and she's pushing herself along. It's probably big on her back. Yeah, on her back and she's pushing herself along. I'm trying to be a lot better back. On her back, you know, it's sort of like you might do on a very smooth stage or something, but it's not smooth. But she's laying on her back and she's pushing herself like head and foot.

Yes, yep, yep. And up ahead there's a puddle. And of course, the noble, whoever it was, Earl of Gloucester, some fucking guy, seized the puddle ahead and to protect her dignity. Takes off his socks. Oh, this is no... No, but I guess, but especially useful then, because she's scraping her back pretty bad. That will scratch through those velvet or whatever she's wearing.

Yeah, and get down to the skin pretty soon. Get down to the skin pretty soon. That's going to be really pretty red raw and maybe even bloody. You don't want to get into any kind of so much infection. And water is a great place for that, in fact, for that. So then that's a good time to lay down your coat or even, sort of a, you know, an antiseptic cloth of some sort. You could lay out some antiseptic wipes on top of the thing as she goes by so that it actually does a bit of it. This infects her back. Now that's an that's an active gallantry, if ever I saw one. Here's another brief image, right?

You're at the airport. There's the, those long corridors that you gotta go down with those travelators, right? But then next to the travelator, they also have a slip and slide. A slippery one of those things, just a stretched out bit of plastic.

But one of those ones that you run and then slide off. But yeah, so as you have the option of going on the travelator, and then we see that, but then we also see this thing next to it, and then we see people with their full baggage, all their suitcase, just getting a bit of a run up and they're diving onto their stomach

and then sliding along with everything, smashing and crashing and then jumping up at the end. And they would get along, they'd get to the aeroplane faster. It's true. I like that a lot, yeah. In any picture, like you can see like old women falling onto their, sliding is not used as a lot. Yeah. In a new picture, like you can see, like, old women falling onto their... The whole thing is that they did. Sliding is not used as a form of transport nearly enough.

No, you're right. I mean, if there's a sliding climb there, you know, and if they ooze up the slide a little bit, you know, then people, you know, I can picture old ladies sort of falling onto their baggage and riding it, you know. You know, like that, but you know, they know they're having a good time at the same time and getting some. And then you get on, everyone's getting onto the plate, very sort of. Yeah, gooey, but the suits that the seats are made, you know, they would be adapted to absorb a lot of that stuff. Yeah, I hope so. So they absorb it. They don't clean it or dispose of it anywhere. They just soak it up

and go get a sodden and squishy. And then when they're too wet, once they start oozing stuff out when you sit on them and you throw the chair out. Got a wet former transport. Another wet, another form of wet transport. For you, by the wet transport specialists. Yeah, no, I do, I also like the idea of seeing that, like just the shot like this, right? It's a person walking. And they're just walking down that hall with the airport.

And then you see somebody on the travelator behind them, sort of start overtaking them. You know, as walk past them as they kind of overtake them, because they, you know, they would have moving floor. And then in between the two, somebody just comes sliding through, maybe on their baggage, maybe going forward and then backwards and nothing able to stay with themselves, maybe their families following very quick closing, I think it's a good look, I think it's a...

I mean, we have the already, there's a paradigm shift that's waiting to be made in the way that those slip-and-slides work, which is that they rely on you having the slip and slide set up anywhere that you want to slip and slide. But if you had a coat and a sort of a chest thing that dispensed, detergent and water, then anywhere you go could be a slip and slide. If the floor was smooth enough, you could press a slip and slide if the floor was smooth enough

You could press a button and a little thing under your chin would go And squirt some detergent onto your onto your chest and then you just run and dive and it's dispensing the slip and slide as you go the the detergent and you're just going for it Well, I wonder if you were just inside a plastic tube at all times. Yes, that will stay. Yes. That was very gooey on the inside, whether you could, you know, if it was clear, I suppose, but just like that and kind of think,

like, if you could just throw yourself at the ground and whether that would move a bit like a, you know, like a... Why is it gooey on the inside? Surely you wanted to be gooey on the outside so that it'll slide along the ground. No, but it's acting like a wheel, and it's your internal motion that moves it forward, a bit like a hamster wheel. Oh, okay. So, right, I was picturing a tube in the other sense that it's like you're standing in a

rolled up cigarette sort of tube. But you're thinking it's more of a weird... It's like a donut. It's like a donut. Slippery weird. Yeah, you're like inside a donut, but made a plastic. Yeah, you just throw yourself at the ground. They assume it just kind of rolls.

And you slide. And you just slide wherever you want. You could use it along the bike path, because it's a wheeled vehicle.'s a wheeled vehicle. It's in the same territory as some other sort of big wheel transport we've come up with in the past but this is a very exciting combining the slippery with the wheel. Well it removes the axle finally. The axle's been holding us back. It's been it's been requiring us to have multiple wheels. Down with axles.

Axles are evil. I better take us through the sketch ideas for the day Andy. Yeah, yeah. We've got numbers take place of animals and people fight them like Pokemon. But then, but also, you know, the whole industry's based around numbers. These are some nice achievable sketches we came up with today, and I like it.

And then you must have been so sober when you came up with that. That's the new thing we're going to start saying to people when they say something that's much more, you know, reasonable. And we've got testing if diving is the same as reverse diving. It is the same as reverse reverse diving. Classic sketch. And then we've got water-based space submarine and car show, the globule. Great.

And then we've got wild animal cleaning. It's the new service instead of gardening. Now I get some vague data of who they're from. Like have we heard that one before, but surely not. I don't think so. And then we've got paint that turns purple, but around the office. Oh, paint that turns purple when you we.

Yes, that's crucial. Yeah. That's the crucial element. And then we've got slippery slide airport. Yes, that's crucial. Yeah. That's the crucial element. And then we've got slippery slide airport. And the personal slippery slide and the slippery slide wheel. And the personal. Is it good, El? And the personal, what's I having to read?

I think I might call this episode the globule. Yeah, I think that sounds good. Nice. Okay. I guess we got a big bag and that's you can't have some If you like I got a big bag of pears you can put them in here I got a small box of wheat you can put it on your feet if you want I'm not happy with it. You know Andy know, Andy, I- Listening to an interesting podcast about wheat today, though. Andy, I haven't listened to any of our episodes

since we've been doing it in lockdown. And so I have no idea how our music syncs up, probably really terribly. Well, I don't know that it would be synced up to begin with. So I guess it can't hurt. Except the listener, of course, they can be good., so I guess it can't hurt. Except the listener, of course, they can be good. Yeah, no, they're very hurt. And it would explain why no one's made

an album based on the music from our podcast. Finally, a reason. Of course, it's the physical page. That explains it. Thank you very much for listening. of course, it's the physical paid. That explains it. Thank you very much for listening. You can follow us on Twitter and at tointank at me, I'm an ListerTV TV. I'm at Stupid Old Andy, we're tointank.

As you said, you can just put us on Patreon. Thank you to everybody who does that and everybody who doesn't. And you can review us if you'd like, and you can download magma from sospresents.com. And. You can have a really great life as well. Yeah, and I'd just like to recommend

that you listen to podcast called Frontier Wars. It's about Australian indigenous history and the invasion by settlers. And it's just a thing that I didn't know anything about and I've listened to a bit of, and I know a lot more about it now. And it's good. Oh, I look forward to listening. All right, mate.

I'll look back on listening. You said it like I was, like I was, what's that word? Virtue signaling. Oh, I definitely was by even mentioning it. Like I was, what's that word? Virtue signaling. Oh, I definitely was by even mentioning it. So it's good to be in good company. And we love you. We do. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional, you have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah.

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