Two In The Think Tank - 264 - “SELLING CARS TO TREES"

Episode Date: December 17, 2020

Strip Mining, Pall Bearer Eggs, Pall Bearer Bug, Funeral Clown, Enlightenment Class, Tree Cars, Giant EggGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereMultilateral thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Grrra. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- Let me in on the big bad wolf. I think that was a good... Hello and welcome to Two and the Three Tank. Yes. The podcast, and it still is in podcast form, but by the time you hear this, who knows?

It might be a movie. It might be a book. It could be a book. It could be a daytime soap. But at the moment, at the time of recording, I'm not going to let you talk. At the time of recording, it is the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas. And I am Alistair George-William Trombley-Virtual. And I'm Andy.

And you hear a lot about shows getting picked up by big studios. You know, they pick it up. They pick it up. You know, they pick up the rights. They pick it up. They pick up the podcast. And they put it down as quickly as possible. as quickly as possible.

I could picture our podcast being the first podcast that gets put down without getting picked up. We are getting a lot of preemptive rejections from studios. We get a lot of emails at 2inthethinktank at gmail.com that say just no and then it seems to be from random production companies yeah you know how there are there are those a and r men you know the acquisitions and requisition whatever they are those guys who go out and they look for things that might be good for the studio well they also have a few people who uh who specifically all their entire job is just

to look for things to reject give well you've heard of yes men these are guys are no yeah that's right and no man and and we we know all the all the big ones yeah yeah you know what's what would be crazy about no men right because no men if you make it one word, it's spelt, basically, it's got the same spelling format as women. So to pronounce it the same, it would have to be nimmin. Yeah, incredible.

No men is actually pronounced nimmin. So yeah, we get a lot of... Do you think that's inequality, the way that we've fucked up the pronunciation of women? You think that might be the fact that we've given them a shorter vowel? They can't even get a long vowel. Yeah. I'm going to start elongating my women.

We men. We women men. We women. Men. You know, strip mining, Alistair, strip mining. Right, how about this? Strip mining. But what you do is, it's mining when you take off your clothes. It's like strip poker, you know?

Yeah. Every time you get a gold nugget, every time you sink a pickaxe into a coal face, but you don't get a gold nugget, right? And you're at the coal face, why would there be gold nuggets? I mean, they're essentially there to strip down. It's just an excuse for a bunch of guys who are not comfortable with their, you know, with their desires you know... Bodies?

With their desires on the inside for being nude around other men. But that's what they want. Yes. And they've decided to go into mining, gold mining at old abandoned coal mines. Yeah. And they play strip mining. I mean, if your secret objective was to, you know, because I imagine like poker, it's the loser who has to remove an item of clothing. If your secret objective is to remove all of your clothing in front of your friends, where better to partake in strip mining than in a mine that doesn't even feature the ore or the element that you're

looking for. You know that everybody's losing. Because with strip mining, it is every pick that you do that doesn't turn up an enormous gold nugget, you have to take off an item of clothing. And in order to make this pun work, I'm going to have to go into your accent. But the only awe that they're going to find is in the eyes of their compadres. Ah, yes. Filled with awe at the human form,

the male physique. Why am I like a man up to his knees in bauxite? Because I stand in awe of you. Ah, yes. That's where I've heard that before. That was a big... That was the punchline of our entire show. Oh, yeah.

In 2019. That was a different time. And you can still download it, mag from sos presents.com okay how about this sketch slash uh bilber monday morning podcast yeah how about this bilber sent you okay yep how about this all right it's uh oh i'm brimming with ideas today. It's strip poker, right? But instead of taking off your clothes, you remove layers of the earth beneath your feet. No. Okay.

How about this? You know how a lot of- Strip mining poker. You hear a lot of people advertising razor blades on podcasts. We're going to be the first podcast to do it the other way around. on podcasts, we're going to be the first podcast to do it the other way around. We are going to get our logo printed on razors, on mattresses. We're going to go into a deal with Casper Mattresses, and what they're going to do is they're going to put a tiny little audio chip in every mattress.

And when you lie down on it, it whispers. It plays a podcast. It listens to Doing the Think Tank. The best clip from your podcast. Doingthethinktank.com. You know what they shouldn't be advertising on podcasts? Andy, are you still there? Yeah, I'm here.

You started whispering a lot. Yeah, because i was being i was being the mattress oh yeah okay sorry you know what they shouldn't be advertising on podcasts is razor blades yeah what people people who do and listen to podcasts should be kept as far away from razor blades as possible not made. Why is that the only company that survived, still giving us ads? Why? They were like, why was that the only company?

Is this too grim? We're going to release the first razor blade that is specifically targeted at suicide. Oh, my God. I think that is too grim. But with like a little handle or something. Well, yeah. Because they're sort of all made for like perpendicular motion, but not motion that goes with.

Yeah, well, I think, you know, there are so many. I think that the razor niche has been really, you know, it's very competitive out there for razors. You know, they keep adding more blades. They keep adding extra little blades, you know, it's very competitive out there for razors. You know, they keep adding more blades. They keep adding extra little blades. You know, the trimmer blade right there. So they've got the five blades on the front, the trimmer blade on the back, the lubricated strip.

Well, this one will have an extra blade for killing yourself. Oh, my God. I'm really sorry. But it's there. It's there as an option, okay? Well, I did have a friend, and she said that it would give her great relief just knowing that she could do it one day. She wasn't looking to do it, but she said that it gave her relief knowing that it was possible.

Well, with these blades, it's not just possible. It's an absolute pleasure. Well, no. I think what it's got to be, Andy, just for this to not be the worst thing that we've ever said, is that once you do try it, it's actually one of those blades that you get from a Mac 3 or whatever, Gillette. And you're never going to cut yourself with one of those. Right, sure, sure. It's still a safety razor.

You get a close shave, yeah. But it's actually, it's been designed to not function in that way. And you realize it's a psychological razor it's there just just so that you feel free so that you you know you'll always this is not a sketch andy this is we can't i don't think we can write this down okay we have a duty of care i'm sorry there's the podcaster's oath yeah the podcaster's which is keep it light podcaster's oath. Which is keep it light. And look, it was my idea. It was my thing to try to make this joke about

that we shouldn't be selling razor blades. But we're in too deep, Andy. Yeah, I took it too far. So how about this? But just to clarify, did we get any of our strip ideas written down? I know they're not good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know we don't stand by them. Strip mining is in there. But they're there. Strip mining is there. Great. Yeah, yeah. But the opposite one isn't. Great.

Yeah, no, the opposite one had nothing. It was just for completeness. It was just so that it was said. You know, what about there's a portable lake? Go on. Yeah, well, it was said. You know, what about this, a portable lake? Go on. Yeah, well, you know, lakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're quite a nice thing.

They're beautiful. Yes. You know, they're big. Uh-huh. I think that's one of the best things. It's just the fact that water can stay there. It doesn't just get absorbed into the ground. Yep.

I think, for me, that's the incredible thing. It doesn't just disappear. You know, you've got I think for me that's the incredible thing. It doesn't just disappear. You know, you've got a good wet ground that can't take any more water. And then so the water just stays there. It's quite nice seeing people go boating on it, you know. Usually you don't picture that there's going to be any predators in there, at least not a predator. Yes, there is a calmness.

I mean, some lakes are fucking deep and that gets a little stressful because firstly, there's less buoyancy in fresh water and secondly, there's a little feeling of like if there is anything down there, it is primordial. It has been surviving in this lake for a very long time. Yeah, I mean, every deep lake has the feeling of, like, there's always going to be a sort of a slimy hand that's going to come up and pull you down.

Yeah, yeah, the slimy hands. I think, you know, I'm more worried about, I feel like sort of zombies and monsters, you know, sort of paranormal monsters are probably more likely to come out of your lakes, your swamps, you know, whereas you get your real sharks and stuff. Where there's no flow. The no flow?

Yeah, well, I think if it's a river, it's like you just feel like a zombie would be carried away, wouldn't be able to fight the current, but in a lake. Yeah, it lies there and it builds up resentment. And I think... Yeah, against people who swim on the top yeah yeah

but I mean you couldn't picture a zombie really sort of doggy paddling its way up to the top surface

to grab you yeah you know like it feels like they would just sink and then they would kind of be trapped there well they might walk ashore

they might walk ashore they might walk ashore walk ashore walk ashore yeah i mean i guess if it's if it's sort of not too steep you know it gets pretty mucky down there's a lot of silt i mean maybe you know this could be the sort of information that they could put on the on the sign you know by the boat ramp that says you know no diving watch out for submerged um sticks when you're driving your jet ski. And don't worry, this is too steep and or silty for zombies to walk ashore. Walk ashore. and, you know, just, you know, a lot of those warning signs are,

they are things that you do have to worry about, and that's great. It's important to know those things. But what about they put a few up there that just list the things that you don't have to worry about, you know? And it'd be really nice, yeah. We've checked. We've used radar and things like that. There's none of this. We have a guy who comes in every morning

to just make sure that no zombies have fallen. We dredge this lake every two weeks and that's the gestational period of your standard aquatic zombie. And so it's just put it from your mind. Do zombies have an ongoing life? Like how long do they go for? I think that's one of those things that's probably up for grabs because they are decaying.

They are rotting. And, you know, there is an element to zombies in which they're not sort of mostly, I think, supernatural in the way that like vampires or something are. It does feel a little bit more like it's in the realm of your science fictions where it's like, well, this is a virus or this is a mental thing that they've got that is tapping into their existing physiology. And that's dependent on things like muscles. So it's not a coherent idea that if it decayed totally away to a skeleton, that it would still be able to move itself around. No, that's true, yeah.

So, yeah, we need to know. And this is what you never see. You never see's true, yeah. So, yeah, we need to know. And you never, this is what you never see. You never see bloated mummies. Because surely the corpse, if it's decaying, is going to be doing those gaseous kinds of things that corpses do. But really they should have that big swollen belly

and they should be farting a lot. Yeah, but they might just have enough holes. Maybe that hole just pierces. You probably hear zombies pop all the time. See, I would like to have a... Let's make a zombie film that is a bit more factually accurate. Right? Okay.

That really drills down into the stages of, you know, post-mortem decomposition. And they are bloated like that. And they are flaking, you know, attracting insects and that kind of stuff. You don't see that a lot either. So we're really going to get into this. You think a lot of bugs would just be feasting on their backs and faces. I think they'd be bugs. They'd be feasting.

Yeah. And that's disgusting. Yeah, that makes sense. And that's going to add to the horror. Yeah, do you think pallbearers should be carrying them away? Yeah, that's one of the things that happens after death. Pallbearers are going to be attracted to them. And the pallbearers are going to come and they're going to,

I don't know what they do, they're going to lay their larvae, their pallbearer larvae in the zombie bodies. And little pallbearers are going to burst out, carrying away little bits of the body. Little organs like a spleen or little glands that you don't even know about. Little tiny ones, but full grown. They look like full grown men, but they're tiny. And they walk around in groups of four or six.

And they carry around little organs like their aunts taking them back to their queen. In a little box. But they're just... Yeah. I mean... Yeah, but I think that... There's definitely a sketch in pallbearers and what it is that they are doing with the bodies.

You know, because you always see them take the body out of the church and then they go around the corner and then you never see the bit where they whip open the lid, lay their eggs in there, pop the lid back on quickly before anyone notices. Now, this is a sketch that everybody can enjoy. I think injecting their eggs into people and stuff like that and creating little ones, I think that's a fun idea.

It doesn't have to be zombies. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're all. No, totally different. Totally separate concept um yeah and it feels like a paul like there could be again you know we've talked about evolutionary niches but there would be an evolutionary niche for a kind of a creature that evolves to look like paulers carrying a coffin, right? So, you know, think about it.

So you've got, say, six pallbearers, or maybe eight. Yeah, so it's a six-legged or eight-legged creature. It's a six-legged kind of giant insect thing. The coffin is actually just sort of like a part of its carapace. Like, they're all connected to that coffin in some way. Yeah, yeah, that would be where the body is, like the main body of it. Each pallbearer would be a or two legs.

Yes. Imagine a leg that has from thigh to knee is one leg, but then from knee to foot becomes two legs. Yes. Yeah. That's a cool idea. That's not a thing that I've seen in nature. Not yet.

But, yeah, I think that's a really good one. And I think it's – so would it sort of be articulated at the top as well so it can like – it can swing and then there's two more legs at the bottom? I wonder if there's an advantage to that. I'm trying to simulate that with my arm and some fingers and I'm thinking you could get quite a nice motion going. But, Alistair, the coffin itself, because that's hollow, they've still got to be able to put the body in there, right?

Yeah. So it can't have too much of the internal organs of the pallbearer beetle, the enormous pallbearer beetle. No, no, it's quite a hollow being. But I guess... It kind of has like, you know, like where the wings on the back of a beetle are and they open up.

Well, that has kind of been adapted to just be one wing that just flaps open like the lid of the coffin. And it's just really hollowed out that area and it kind of just keeps all its organs in the little flat area underneath, you know, the sort of the lining. One of the things, you know,

if there's a flaw with this system, and it's pretty good, one of them is that they very rarely chuck a body into a coffin that's already on the shoulders of six pallbearers. But... No, but they're coming... This creature can just kind of do it out of sight.

Oh, okay. So they sort of scuttle it in there. Gobble somebody up. Yeah. They lift it up with the legs of the pallbearers somehow. Or it has to be... I think now, maybe instead of the wings, I think that that's the mouth.

You know, like the hole. Yeah. You know, that's the mouth you know like the the the hole yeah that's you know that's the mouth yeah and so it just they were just like one you know two of the legs will kind of kneel down oh i see and i go it chomps the body and then it scuttles out of the church and it just kind of traps it in there suffocates it so that it does become just a you know motionless body suffocates the dead body. Yeah, and then it kind of just digests it sort of like a Venus flytrap.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's perfect. I mean, that's a separate idea to the pallbearers who are kind of another creature you're right themselves yeah and and it would be interesting to see both of these things encounter each other because in a way one is taking away business from the other yeah um you know i guess it's the insect that's taking

away their livelihood by firstly killing people and then not putting them through sort of, I guess, religious funerals. I think that the, you know, if we wanted a context for this sketch, it could be at a sort of an undertaker kind of convention. Like it feels like these are the kinds of things that they'd need to be made aware of, new challenges that are emerging in the in the undertaking business you've got to watch out for these things maybe yeah out of sort of um new caledonia this new type of beetle has evolved um that is that looks like six pallbearers carrying a coffin and they've just made it to the mainland Australia.

Yeah, they paddled over. Or they sort of hid in somebody's luggage. But I think it would be quite good to see them paddling, right? Like you'd see all the pallbearer heads. The coffin would float quite well. That's true.'s true but i mean you could imagine a couple of eggs maybe getting into you know getting onto a cruise ship or something like that no yeah the eggs probably look like uh the eggs probably uh look like one of those jars you keep ashes in an urn yeah an urn totally or a little statue of like the Virgin Mary or something like that.

Yeah, that's right. It might be given away at a funeral. Oh, yeah. Or, you know, you would at least take it. So you could get some extra blessings when you get home, you know? What about this? Tell me if this is anything. It's a funeral clown.

And what he does... A funeral clown? A funeral clown. And he does somber balloon animals. We do a lot of balloon animal sketches. But he does somber balloon animals with black and white. Very tasteful black and white balloons. Yeah.

Mostly black, though. Just thin strips of white. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess, what does he make? I guess he makes lilies. He might make a little... That's a lot of white. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess, what does he make? I guess he makes lilies. He might make a little. That's a lot of white.

A little coffin or a little skeleton or something for the kids. Is that somber? Is it too somber? It seems fun. A skeleton seems fun. It's got to be something real. I think a Virgin Mary statuette in, you know, that's pretty somber. Yeah, okay.

Virgin Mary doesn't seem fun. A little balloon Virgin Mary statuette. Great. I would love to see Virgin Mary in a fun context. Anyway, but back to this balloon animal thing. No, I mean, you know, I think that's the whole idea, really. It's pretty, yeah. Okay, well, No, I mean, you know, I think that's the whole idea, really. It's pretty... Yeah.

Okay, well, look, I'll write it down. Somber funeral. You know, there could be an entire ecosystem of kind of like things that you would have at any other kind of party or gathering or get-together. You know... you would have at any other kind of party or gathering or get together um you know oh you know like a but also the balloon animals sorry like you know like a balloon animal that looks like a like a a tray of hors d'oeuvres that you sort of are serving around yeah and and um you know maybe one that looks like a little cardboard or like a card.

I mean, that's hard to do. Sorry for your loss. Yeah, great. Obviously, a cross, a Christian cross would be almost too easy to do, but I'm sure they could add some stuff to it, like some flowers around the bottom or something like that. A little Jesus on the cross.

Maybe a portrait of the deceased? Perfect. Very tasteful. Like a veil. A veil that you can wear over your face. I might have already said that. I definitely already thought it. Yeah.

It's not a competition. Yeah. Maybe a reconstruction of the deceased that you sit in a chair at the front of the funeral service or in the house when you're having the wake. And then... Put them in their chair their favorite chair and then at the end you sort of pop it with a with a pin a ceremonial pin to symbolize the life escaping well you you reveal at the end that it's been filled with helium and tied down and then you would let them go if you could have a like a a balloon that looked exactly like a person now i don't know how you'll do this but a balloon that looked exactly like a person popping that balloon like you fill

it with something i don't know a little bit of flour or or glitter or something like popping that balloon would be an incredibly cool disappearing effect. Because you think about how balloons pop. Like they really, it's like they disappear for all intents and purposes. And if you had a balloon that looked exactly like a person, that would be really cool. Like exactly like a person. Yeah, or alternatively, a person who looked exactly like a balloon.

I'm not sure which is easier to pull off. And then you killed them. Oh, that didn't pop the way that I thought it would. No. Well, I mean, the purpose of the person that looked exactly like a balloon was then you could have a balloon. And then you'd pop the balloon, but people would think it was the person disappearing. They'd have to be pretty familiar with the person who looked exactly like a balloon.

Yeah, that's true. I mean, I guess it could be their mom or something like that. You could sort of pop the balloon in front of their mom. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what effect we're trying to achieve. Yeah. I suppose to make it feel like that person's just lost their son. Yeah, I guess that's the thing that we want to do.

Now, if you were a clown at a funeral, would you do the fake happy face, like the big happy makeup face, and then be frowning under that? Or would you do a big sad face and be smiling inside of it? Which is more respectful? I think it would be, maybe it would be nice to do a neutral face. Sort of like straight, a lot more straight lines. Harsh corners,

you know? Black and white and grey. Sort of fully greyscale. Do your hair nice. You know, grease it back. I think that could be... Instead of like, you know, the it back. I think there could be... Instead of like, you know, the way that clowns kind of keep their hair sort of sticking right out.

Maybe this is a whole clown funeral parlour. You know, like, you know, up there with the White Ladies and the Tobin Brothers and that sort of thing, this is just Boffo's funeral parlour and they do the full clown funeral. Um, yeah.

Um, I think the fun, the best thing about that clown would be that tiny hearse. And he carries all this stuff in a little coffin that he carries by himself. Yeah. Great. Of course, the coffin will just look like a small coffin, which is one of the most somber things that you can bring anywhere. Yeah, a small coffin.

Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Has this been a dark episode so far? I don't know where this is coming from, Alistair. I don't know what brought this on. We've got to get back to this mobile lake idea. Oh, mobile lake.

Well, I mean, so I guess you don't see mobile land in general all that often, right? Let alone mobile land that's been hollowed out and filled with um with with with lake but yeah i mean yeah you see houses moved around on the back of trucks yes but you rarely see the land yeah just like cut out you see you see turf i think if you're going to take land it's probably a similar idea to turf you You probably just cut as deep as the topsoil goes and then you roll it up. You know, you have, I guess you have above ground pools is sort of the closest that you'll get to exactly what you're trying to achieve. And then sometimes you'll get that limousine that has the pool, the spa in the back or something. Is that a real thing?

I mean, I've seen it in films. I feel like it must be a thing, right? It must be a thing in a like... It would exist in Las Vegas. Maybe you can't sit in the pool while it drives around, but it would definitely exist. Yeah, I think I found one. It's too stupid an idea.

But it's like a, yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it seems like you can do that. Okay. I mean, it feels like it's a lot of water spillage, I imagine. I guess you work out how deep you can go. But I suppose that what they've done there is they've identified the fact that what's the most decadent and relaxing thing that we can put into a limousine? But there are other things that some would consider to be more relaxing, depending on their wants. maybe you know a small a forest you know a stream

right you know why can't we have a a stretch limousine that has a sort of a mountain bushwalk a small mountain bushwalk climate microclimate yeah in there or like in business class and a plane yeah it's you know what's you know like i think a bamboo forest is one of the nicest things to walk through oh you know yeah and that's a good hollow wood that seems almost built almost grown for being airborne yes essentially it's the it's it feels like it's the trees of the skies. It's the kind of trees that birds would have when they're flying in the sky. So, yeah. It's similar to their bones.

This is the ultimate kind of future decadent first class kind of thing, first-class kind of thing, which is where you're in, in enormously carbon-emitting, globally damaging aircraft. But for you, the passenger, the experience of travelling from New York to London is of walking through a bamboo forest. You might need to hollow out an entire A380. Okay. You paint in an artificial sky and then you plant, you fill the whole thing, you plant it full of bamboo. Yeah. And you let it grow. You know, there's lights, you have an artificial sun rigged up somehow. And yeah, you just wander through, there's mists, mists you know oh that'd be so nice

it's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with uber eats well almost almost anything so no you can't get a nice rank on uber eats but iced tea ice cream or just plain old ice yes we deliver those goaltendersers, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age.

Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. And then you can just have that truly peaceful zen experience. There should be like a... Something really nice should happen to you. Oh, that'd be so good. You know, like a new...

The airline should have to research you and organise a new business opportunity to arise. I think what you want to meet is you want to meet a very small man. Yeah, how small? Small as a pallbearer that's just come out of somebody's chest? Could be, could be, you know, but he's living in a cave, you know, almost like a Yoda type character. So as you, you know, you're halfway across the Atlantic,

you've walked halfway down the A380. And in the middle of this forest, you come across a little man with a little fire. And he gives you some kind of wisdom. And he takes you by the hand. He walks you some of the way. And you unload some of your issues. And then you get to the other end. It's because at the moment, right, what are they doing?

They are on airplanes. They're putting in Wi-Fi. They're putting in PowerPoints, whatever they're doing. They're making it easier for you to work on the go, right? But what about the other parts of life that you might want to do on the go? The other parts of life that you might want to do on the go. The achieving of enlightenment. The wandering of mysterious forgotten roads on the go. You know what the one downside to this small wise man is?

Is that I just can't think. think of a single piece of wisdom that would actually make life better like in a very significant way i don't know if there's anything an older person can teach us that will make our lives better at this point that we haven't sort of read in a you know in a small list of life hacks or something i think what it's going to be for me, Alistair, is it's not going to be genuine wisdom, but it's going to be delivered to you in this context that makes it seem incredibly deep and important. And you know what you can do? That's the thing that I'm afraid of.

You can tell them in advance what you want to be told, right? You're the customer and you're always right. So really, I mean, what you want to be told, right? You're the customer and you're always right. So really, I mean, what you want is you want what you already hope to be true or what you already believe to be reflected back to you in a context that appears to have enormous philosophical, spiritual weight, right? So you tell them what you want. And maybe what you want to hear is tax avoidance is morally defensible. Okay.

But it's hard to truly believe that until you've been told by a tiny little man in the forest. So it seems like genuine earth wisdom. I mean, if they have the ability to genuinely change my beliefs using some kind of, you know, some visual audio trick that changes some of my fundamental beliefs and makes me feel better about some of the awfulness that I participate in on a daily basis, then yeah, that's great. That's not wisdom. That's like magic. And I love that. I'm in for that and just thinking okay so bamboo force is great but when i was in um northern queensland one time up near cape tribulation right one time we asked somebody oh is there a good place to swim because you can't really swim in northern queensland um in the ocean because of Irukandji.

Irukandji box jellyfish. Apparently the smartest non-symmetrical animal. Wow. This may not be true. Carly told me she was listening to something or watching something. She told me something along these lines. They're actually quite smart, the Irukandji. Anyway, go on. Interesting. something she told me something along these lines they're actually quite smart the ura kanji anyway

go on interesting i you know you know my you know how i i listened to this guy who um this guy who talks about consciousness and and how you know the world that we see is probably not the world that is as it is yes that you know it's just some uh by our minds. He uses symmetry as an example of what is probably a compression algorithm for making the world simpler so that you can just compress it down so that you don't have to process as much stuff. Oh my God.

Yeah. Yeah, that's really cool yeah so and um the yeah when i was like we were out there we're like oh it was a place to swim and the guy a guy goes look this is only we only usually tell locals this but if you go up this road and things like that there's like a watering hole and it's just like you've just drive into into the jungle right we went into the jungle and we went and it's just basically a little hidden away fresh water hole with no crocodiles or so they don't even tell the crocodiles they don't even tell even don't tell any crocodiles about this they said there's maybe some nice turtles and i went in there and it's like just speckled light coming in through the overgrown rooftop. Water, beautiful temperature, fresh, clean, almost untouched. Swim there.

It's probably the nicest thing. They need to get this on that plane. Alistair, the only other time I've heard you talk about swimming in a river in Queensland was in the context of you getting possibly a fungal infection. Is this the same time? No, no, it's a different one. I think maybe you're thinking of me sleeping near Ross River and getting bombarded with mosquitoes. Yeah, maybe.

I thought there was a time you got tinnier or something. I think overall, just being in Queensland and in the sweaty heat, I think I got jock itch, which is basically tinnier of the crotch. And what is humidity if not the mountain stream of the air? That's right, the beautiful mountain stream of the air that's right the beautiful mountain stream of the air now andy am i writing any of this thing down this fucking plane thing oh yeah of course in it yeah alistair i'm i'm in love with this idea oh great yeah it's the new um new class that's above first class it's like zeroth class where it's like it's like you're not flying at all

and the gifts that they give you or you know the sort of things that they give you aren't those decadent things like uh caviar and champagne they're in they're intangible wisdom you know and and the the greatest gift is to of of flying is to not feel like you're flying at all. And the greatest weightlessness that one can experience is not being high in the air. It's being alleviated of the guilt of feeling like you're destroying the planet, even though in order to achieve this, you have to do it a billion times more. But that's… You never know maybe by this point we'll have solar panels in space and these will be sound you know soundless electric vehicles that fly through the air

and can have as many trees on them as we want because of the abundant energy we'll be able to have trees anywhere everywhere everywhere. That's how much we will have. We'll fix nature so much that we'll be like, we actually need to put some planes and trees just so that we have room for more trees. We'll have fixed nature so much that we will have to put trees, get trees to drive cars just to try and bring down the balance a little, just to emit a bit more carbon, right?

These trees at the moment are doing too good for the environment. Teach trees to drive. Teach trees to drive. Alistair, this is a sketch. This is a sketch. It's selling trees to cars because because the environment is too healthy to cars just selling cars to trees okay i love it because it allows us to to briefly inhabit a world where we are we are post

crisis andy i think that that's a really funny concept for a sketch show or like for a show is we set it, I think I'd thought of this as an idea for a book, but where it is set in, like we've solved this problem, we've solved climate change. Too well, if anything.

Yeah, and so we're, I think it's just funny looking back at like because we talk about the mistakes we made but then we talk about all the uh you know the things that we fixed and how you know so you can laugh about i guess that the comedy can be and how we fix things but also how maybe we fix things too well and so now we have to redress the balance but you know it's a too well so now we have to redress the balance but you know it's a and that allows us to also be quite um stupid i guess selling cars to trees and teaching trees to drive is a pretty silly idea i mean can you imagine trees if trees could drive right and they had had the... You know what? I think I've seen a little thing where you can put a tree... You can get a pot plant,

right? That has wheels and some sort of light-sensing thing and it drives around the tree to keep it in the light? Like to follow the light or something like that? It's sort of a novelty... Is it the tree that decides? I don't think it is the tree to keep it in the in the light like to follow the light or something like that

it's sort of a novelty tree that decides i don't think it is the tree that decides no it's the senses that decide but given that leaves do follow the sun and that sort of thing and uh sunflowers do that it's possible i'm sure it would be possible to make one where the tree is essentially deciding where to go. I think that's a genuinely good idea. See what would happen if you could somehow find a way. Because whatever it is in the tree that activates when it's like, oh, you've got to turn your leaf or whatever. But just as that happens, instead of that, we read that and then we actually just move the tree. Right.

And we give trees the ability to migrate. Let's see what they would do. Imagine that. Great herds of trees driving across the fields as they chase the sun but imagine if because if a tree realized that when it produced a certain thing it actually moved the whole tree would it learn and then realize that it can just be moving all the time i i kind of feel like it would. Yeah. Me too.

I think trees would be able to learn if they were given the option. I think trees can drive. I think trees could drive. And what is deciding to move if not driving? Alistair, have we got five sketch ideas? Yeah. Great. Yeah, we do.

Let's have some words from a listener. All right. Well, Andy, it's funny that you should say that because we have some words from a listener. Oh, really? And yeah, I don't know if you know this, but people who support us on Patreon This is news to to me give three bucks

um they can they can send in three words from a listener them usually um or but they can send in three words from another sure um and uh and today as today's listener andy is br Brayden Douglas. Brayden, hello. It's so great to talk to you in person and not just over Twitter. It is one of the greatest joys to be able to speak directly into your ear, finally. Now, there's one word here that I don't know the meaning of, and I was going to look it up before um before we did this but do you want to do you want to try and guess what the first one is hermitage hermitage yeah no no no and the first word is unwieldily unwieldily precipitate no the second one is not precipitate no. No, it's blastocyst.

Blastocyst. Now that word does ring a bell. Blasticist. Oh my God, what is that? Is that a type of animal? Type of seaweed or something? I think you're thinking of a structure that's formed in early development of mammals. And it possesses an inner cell mass, an ICM,

which subsequently forms the embryo. The outer layer of the blastocyst consists of cells collectively called the trophoblast. Trophoblast? Right. And it seems like it's around maybe in the... It says days five to nine so maybe this is a very um early let me try and read read this other part here the inner cells in the thickened area develop into the embryo and the outer cells borrow into the wall of the uterus and develop into the placenta. When the sac is formed, the blastocyst is considered an embryo.

Right. Because I've got here blastocystis, B-L-A-S-T-O-C-Y-S-T-I-S, is algae, like aquatic, what's it? But this is blastocyst no is on the also blastocytus that would of course be inflammation of the blastocyst but anyway and then the third word andy do you want to try and guess what that is oh unwieldy blast assist. Thumb?

Is it thumb? Well close. Vestibule. Incredible. I love that word, vestibule. Where do I know that from? Well, vestibule is a part of a church. A vestibule is like a little sort of enclosed area in a church where... But who's...

I don't know, maybe that's where the priest puts on his robe or something like that? Because he enters the church naked. It's also known as the Arctic Entry, is an anteroom or small foyer leading into a larger space, such as a lobby entrance hall passage for the purpose of waiting, withholding the larger space view. I guess in a way... the womb where the blastocyst implants is a vestibule, isn't it?

It is a little waiting room. Maybe womb is short for waiting room? Yeah, it does sound like it. Vroom. Vroom. Yeah, it does sound like it. Yeah. And I mean, unwieldy blastocyst vestibule. I mean, it could just be, I mean, the inner part of the vagina there could also be that. Because there is sort of the cervix kind of is the door that has to open to let you through.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Don't you have to go through the cervix to get up into the business? Or get out of the business, I think is probably more common. Yeah. I mean, so you consider the vagina the business. You see, for me, the business is up ahead.

Yeah. I guess I got a lot to learn. That's when the real work starts, is on the other side. You know, it's kind of the, it's that gate that your guest is not allowed to go past at the airport when you're flying international.

Is it possible, I don't know if this is possible, but is it possible for, instead of a person to grow in the womb by the egg, you know know the fertilized egg uh splitting over and over and over again is it possible for them to grow in the womb by just that egg just getting bigger and bigger and bigger and then just coming out as one big egg yeah and then i think that is possible yeah yeah and then um and then i guess you know they're a

full they're a full person i guess they can over the course of their long life, 80, 90 years, they just grow bigger and bigger proportionate to be like a 100 kilo kind of ball, squishy ball that would pick up lint and stuff off the ground but is somehow sentient, somehow capable in all ways as we are. It's interesting you should say this, because once, you know, a long time ago, when I was really focused on Shusher, I did do an episode where an egg became a doctor.

Really? And this feels like this is how this egg came about. It might not have been a chicken egg. It might have been a giant egg instead of a fully formed human. But you could figure out that, you know, I think if a tree can drive, I feel like a giant egg can learn medicine. Isn't it great to push the envelope like this? You know, this is the power of being like a conservative media outlet

is that you can push what's accepted, okay, to the point where if you repeat something enough, that just becomes one of the accepted things like the free market and that sort of thing. That's now just an accepted, you can't argue with that anymore. That's an accepted part of the discourse. We're going to do the same thing with trees can drive. And then you can use that as one of your precepts for further leaps of the imagination you say oh well you know we we all know that the free market is true we all know trees can drive and then what's the next step an egg can become a doctor of course we're pushing the envelope i mean you know and i mean i just i worry about this in that um you know if i

start really pushing this this trees can drive thing and then someone's gonna go well you're a hypocrite because you also think that humans should eat wood you know and then doesn't that seem like a contradictory thing but it doesn't immediately you know i mean i'm not saying we should eat the the wood of of living driving trees who could drive yeah i'm i'm talking about like you know if you find a fallen branch you know i'm not saying you know some being with its driver's license we should just cut it down or, you know, pull it from its SUV. Unless it has an organ donor's card. Yeah. It could donate its organs to be eaten.

To my mouth. Yeah. I wonder if we'll get to the point where you can donate your body to cannibalism. So wait, so Andy, so this egg, this giant egg, which is growing in the womb, and I think will create even rounder bellies than pregnant women already have. But kind of more, you know, I guess a bit more gelatinous, you know, because of the inside won't be... I guess it'll still be as firm. So it'll still be a fertilized egg, so it'll still have a sperm and an egg. Yeah, yeah.

This is not just like a swollen egg that a woman has. I guess it would be quite gloopy. I imagine it could squash down and like fit under a door or something and in that sense maybe it would be good as a a spy or you know some kind of secret agent this is reminding me that once in my very early days of uh of sketch writing i pitched a sketch to sketch to my law review team that was about a stem cell that was because they were like show there was a show about like someone who was really good at disguise who who went and did all these different kinds of things i thought well basically that's what a stem cell is it's the it's the secret agent the master of disguise of the cell thing.

Oh, it was a con man. That's right. It was a stem cell that was a con man. And because it could take on the form of anything, it could trick people into thinking that it was like a doctor or something like that. Isn't that interesting? I mean, yeah, that is the spooky thing. You never know if the person recommending stem cell treatment is themselves a stem cell. Anyway, have we got a sketch idea out of this yet?

I think giant egg instead of a formed human feels like an idea. I mean, we know that he becomes a doctor. I mean, it's because we've already written the... Also, it's a he. Giant egg is a man. This one is, unfortunately. This is, unfortunately, the DNA formed, Andy, and it is the DNA of a very masculine man,

even though it's an egg. And, of course, all your doctor characters are all men, even the giant eggs. I'm really sorry. I guess an egg feels like it should be more of a female thing, which is why I was trying to be subversive. Yeah, right. Because all of the egg characters that I normally see are women.

How progress takes all forms. Alistair, I think we did it we did it yeah all right well let me take you through some of the sketch ideas i'm really excited to hear these i don't know how to spell paul bearer so just letting you know about that p-a-double-l i'm just p-a-double-L. I think so. Not P-O-L. Like Paul Pot. But that's another thing. There we go. Paul Bearer. Paul Bearer. Strip mining. It's a mine where you just get naked with your friends.

We've got Paul Bearers injecting their eggs into people and creating new ones. And they're basically new species. And then the ones bear stuff and other things. And then there's another sketch idea where it's a pallbearer creature. I love that we've got two pallbearer sketch ideas. Hey?

I love that we've got two pallbearer sketch ideas. Well, I know, but I think that there's going to be a crossover episode. Right. Well, I know, but I think that there's going to be a crossover episode. Right. And then we've got Funeral Clown, Somber Balloon Animals. But also, you know, whatever else a funeral clown could do. Then we got Plane with Forest Walk, Intangible Wisdom, you know.

Why be distracted or why, you know, get the finer things or blah, blah, blah, when you could get the, you know get the finer things or blah, blah, blah when you could get the higher things? This is a real higher plane of existence. Yeah. Selling cars to trees, teaching trees to drive. It's nice to know we haven't lost it, you know? We still got it, Al. This is a... I'm going to write down new sketch show idea

because I feel like this actually is the launching point for something that we'll do in about seven years. Glorious future. It's a glorious future. About the glorious post-environmental problem future. I think you can actually pitch that. That's a very clear idea that people would love it. People would love it.

People in management. Selling cars to trees, teaching trees to drive. We already read that. And then giant egg instead of formed human. It's probably a way that's a great way of breeding so that people consume less stuff because they've got an egg has enough within it to just survive for a long time,

at least two weeks without refrigeration. That checks out 100%. And so then you could have multiple kids. You could have 12 kids. You know, you could have... You could have a whole... You could have 12 kids that just sit there. And essentially... You have a whole carton. You got a kid, you got a beanbag.

Perfect. Because you'd see they'd be like the shape of a beanbag. Yes, they would be, yeah. They'd feel great to sit on. I mean, the bio beanbag that's made of actual living material, it's just a big cell. That's a fucking good idea. Yeah. Biologists would love it.

They'd get involved. They'd put their name to it. Who's the guy who came up with the double helix model of the... Francis Crick? John Watson? What's his name? Francis Crick? John Watson? What's his name? Maybe Crick? Crick and Watson?

Yeah, he'd put his name to it. He'd sell it. Yeah. He'd become a salesman personally in my beanbag shop. Anyway. Thank you so much for listening to 2 and the Think Tank. We love it that you do that. You can follow us on Twitter.

I'm at stupidoldandy and we're at 2andTank. And I'm at alistartb. You can review us and that sort of thing. You can support us on Patreon. Instagram. Yes. And you can support us on Patreon. You can Yes. And you can support us on Patreon. You can always get Magma.

Man, we love those Magma downloads. The link is in the show notes. And there's also loads of stuff on SOSPresents.com. You can get Xavier Michaelides' show. You can get all the, like, Don't You Know Who I Am shows, probably. It's all Do Go On shows. Do Go On stuff. It's the only place you need to go.

Shows probably. It's all do-go-on shows. Do-go-on stuff. It's the only place you need to go. Forget Netflix and forget paying one small fee to get everything. Alistair. Pay a decent-sized fee for each individual thing. When you put it like that, it seems crazy not to. Yeah.

So take care of yourselves. We love you. This podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates it's not optional you have to do it we used to go easy on it but now you have to yeah yeah