Two In The Think Tank - 288 - "FAST LAWYER"

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

Check out our friend Pat McCaffrie's podcast A Little KnowledgeNew Organs, Barnacle Sciene, Mobile MMA, Uber Front Run, Parasitic Car, I Never Rest My Case, Sandy CampusFcan support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereMultinational thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates national average 12 months savings of $744 by new customer surveyed who saved with progressive between June 2022 and May 2023 potential savings will vary discounts not available in all safe and situations. Rumpa da da do Ignition room cut da da do Ignition room cut da da do Hello and welcome to two in the thing tank the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy And you know what I'm just gonna go ahead and be a little bit of a jojoleom trouble a virtual. It's the role you a book fuck Roll you are you a burned play, Alistair. Yes.

That is like a blank CD. Mmm. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Scribed on in my mother. Yes. And then ejected.

Ah ha ha. Mmm. Yes. You were absolutely right. From the cup holder of life, little, little, little. Adjected from the cup holder of life? You've lost me again. I think I was picturing a, one of those CD trays, kind of looking a bit like a cup holder. I suppose so, yeah.

I mean, when you said that, a picture, my mind went to the fact that, you know, in cars, in probably around the year 2000, a lot of the time you would have your CDs jammed into sort of a cup holder down the passenger side door or something like that. Sure. Sure. And it confused the, the otherwise flawless metaphor for me. I hear you. I was throwing up. Well, for anybody who doesn't know, you're listening to Two Under Think Tank,

the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas. I did already say that, Alistair. You know, I know I've been dropping the ball a lot recently. Have you ever listened to the radio Andy? They're constantly reminding you what channel you're on. And I'm bringing that to podcast thing. Have you ever listened to the radio Andy? They're constantly reminding you what channel you're on. And I'm I'm bringing that to podcasting.

Great. We've already brought the annoying and intrusive ads over from the world of radio. And I think it's about time we started adopting some of their other very annoying traits. And today we're going to be taking calls. It is 1021 Tuesday, June 1st in the AM, by the way. So the top of the hour, I think the top of the hour very often means, you know, close to the hour. I guess half past is the bottom of the hour. Does anybody do hours have bottoms? I mean, it only makes sense, Andy.

The middle of the hour, I guess the mid section. You can't just have a top and a middle, though. You need to have a bottom. I guess the thorax of the hour. But when you're saying bottom, you're making it sound like it's the butt. I am not. I am not.

No, you aren't. You are, Andy. You're trying to all sound like it's the butt. I am not. I am not. No, you aren't. You are, Andy. You're trying to allude that time has a butt. I know. I admit it. They admit it. All right. I'm trying to say that time has a butt. Time has one but every hour. A little I mean, I mean time does have to escape from somewhere. Okay, go on, go on.

Just to find out. Would you say that an hour, I mean, will time comes in? Oh, obviously. Yeah. It enters the, it enters the present moment from the future. You're exactly right. And then it leaves out the past. You're right.

The present moment is in the gastric system of time, the digestive system of time. It's a very short, it's very abridged digestive system, probably only about a, is there a, is there a smallest unit of time? Is there like a plank length of time? There is, but I would say that that is, I think what's going to happen in the future. As you see, the plank length of time is the amount of time that it takes a light beam to travel one plank length. Yes. Okay. Right. And so that is the smallest amount of time that is measurable. Okay. On a stopwatch. This is when you're going stop stop stop stop stop stop

that's as fast as you can get. But I think that one day we're gonna realize that we have limited our knowledge of the world to Light like by we've known it mostly through light. Yes, because that's the fastest thing we've known Yes, but at some point we're gonna find other things that will allow us to see that the universe goes much deeper and much smaller. Yeah, there are other scales.

There's just a word so obsessed with our eyes. Mm. Yeah, I mean, you're right. I mean, think of something like a sea slug, right? That presumably only interacts with the universe through its tongue. If the sea slug came up with a theory of sea slug, which, you know, where it was the, or it may be a limpet or a barnacle. Barnacles are an even better example, right? That only interacts through the world. Is it a barnacle or a barnacle? A barnacle, I. And, you know, only interacts with the world through its tongue. If it came up with

a theory of physics, it was all about the speed of taste and, you know, defined all the universal contents, quite a constant in terms of how they, how long it takes you to lick from one side of a whale's butthole to the other, then do you think a barnacle licks? Maybe not a barnacle. Maybe I'm wrong again. Maybe a barnacles don't move, do they? I apologize, everyone. I am probably thinking of it. From water to Passover, it's left side to its right side, but I don't even know if it would have sensory organs on the outside, it probably does. Well, I was hoping that it wouldn't. I was hoping that I could reduce it to only interacting with the world through its tongue,

and that, therefore, that is why I'm doing that. Well, that's a sensory organ, then. Yes, yeah, that's the only one, but not on the outside of its shell, so just the underside. So everything else is switched off, total sensory deprivation, except for the tongue, right, with which it licks the world and that sucks on to it.

Therefore, it would think that that was the most important defining feature of the universe. And we are no better, Alistair, than the barnacle slash limpet, vainly licking at the world with our eyes, thinking that the taste of colours is somehow important. When another creature will come along, that just has like a massive open chest, right, and these little tendrils that somehow sense new trinos or something like that, right? And, and, and it will have a totally different understanding of the universe. One that is probably in the light area. We are exactly right. It's the light age. And it's just something to be overcome. Yeah, absolutely. By the way, Andy, I apologize that I've not added to your barnacle theory,

but barnacles do have senses. They are very sensitive to touch using the tiny hairs on their limbs, which I didn't know they had. They also have a singular eye capable of sensing light and dark. Conservation status of most species of barnacle is least concerned. I mean, they have the advantage of, it's very difficult to tell when they're dead, right? Probably nobody will notice. It won't make a huge amount of difference when all the barnacles die, because they're just a little sort of a rocky lump, aren't they? So... Oh, dare you.

I'm saying these little tentically things. They're kind of, I guess there must be like a crustacean. They have a penis. No, here we go. They have an anus. They have a testicle. They've got a mantle. They've got a mantle cavity.

They're basically half human, half earth's core. I look barnacles. I would like to apologize, and I would like to take my hat off to you. And I would like to shake you by the tendril on your limb. I would like to shake you by the penis. I would like to shake you by the penis. Um, no. Now, Alistair, I don't know what we've been talking about gets us very far. Well, maybe there is, there is. So look, there's two places we can go. We can either go to, I have a

place for us to go as well. So you do yours and I'll try and remember. Well, we can have a sketch where it's people who don't have eyes, who have discovered the fastest thing in the universe. Mm, right. Yeah. But then, or there is a person who has one new organ that we don't know have, and they have some new thing which they can detect

at all times, but we can't see it all. We have no instrumentation to can detect it, but they say it's way faster than the speed of light and that it actually has physics that is way more fundamental and actually it's really embarrassing to all of us. I don't know all this stuff. There's so obvious to them. That is so good, Elastair. And I think what this could be as a sketch is sort of a metaphor for new

technology. So it's a scene where there's people catching up at a cafe or something like that. And you know how normally someone would have a new phone and maybe they'd show off the features, right? This person has a new organ on their body, a new sensory organ, okay? And, you know, maybe it is a sort of a big hole in their chest with some gloopy tendrils and that sort of thing. And, you know, they can sort of put their hand into it

and it allows them to sense some additional thing. Maybe they're putting their hand through time or something like that. And they're showing off, so this is a world in which you can sort of, these things have been developed, they're being rolled out, they're a new genetically modified part of the human body that you can have installed. And they're showing off the, they're a new genetically modified part of the human body that you can have installed.

And they're showing off the features of it to everybody else, getting everybody else to put their hand in there and sort of feel backwards through time or something like that. And it's just, it's just... Yeah, I think they're detecting something that we don't even see. Yeah.

Yeah. We can't sense it anyway. I don't know why it's so important to me that they have a big sort of tendrally a hole in their chest that other people are putting their hand into, but I think well, I want you to know that there's something that's important to me as well, is that they kind of have a blue sack coming out of the top of their head and it droops over one eye. Do you sort of squeeze that like one of the pumps in it on an out to prime the motor of an outboard motor prime the fuel pump of an outboard motor? I'm not familiar enough but it is a bit blattery. Yeah, okay, great.

Does it pulsate? I see it as being a bit floppy. That's why it droops over one eye. So, but I imagine if you hold it, you could feel something. Yeah, great. It's probably the liquid in there and in their chest that allows them to detect the thing. Yeah, cool.

And sometimes it squirts out a bit of overflow liquid. Yeah, but they're now our most advanced scientists. And I think theyirts out a bit of overflow liquid. Yeah. But they're now our most advanced scientists. And I think they're just a person maybe that was just born like that. Yeah. Uh, okay. Sure. I mean, if you, I mean, but of course, if, if it's just something that you can buy, that's good too, but then there's a bunch of people who've developed that.

Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I think that's exciting, I'd say that's even constitutes a sketch idea. And now I'd just like to pitch my other version of this, which won't be as interesting. But for some reason, the idea that we've

decided that the limits of our experience, are the limits of our ability to understand the universe. And so some scientists are basically living as barnacles to try and to develop a different perspective and hence a different understanding of the universe, to maybe break through and unify all theories or something like that. So they've built themselves sort of these big shells and they you know big hard shells and they're sort of crouched in there feeling out at the world with their little hands while people dangle particles of food

that they're able to sort of grab off strings or something like that pull them inside. You know they poop out a little hole at the bottom of the barnacle. What are they stuck to the side of? What are they stuck to the side of? I guess the CSIRO building. I mean, like, that's sort of the building. It's like partially submerged in the ocean. Well, you know, I don't know if they were going to be submerged in the ocean because I like the idea of people dangling food near them on strings.

But when I was picturing it, I was just picturing them dangling food on strings into the water. Into the water? Sure. I mean, it just makes it a bit harder to film, I suppose, Alistair. But I was...

Can we put a water filter over it? Can we just put a blue filter over it? So it looks like we're underwater and we go like this. And when they talk, they go, blue, blue, blue, blue. Yeah, really good. You can be crinkling some cellophane in front of the lens. How about that? I'll allow that.

I'll make that concession. And you know, I guess they, but I don't mind so so okay. So like they just kind of live there in these weird little triangles or whatever. And then people feed them like that. Is it mostly just so that they get away from regular life responsibilities?

I think that's a good place for it to go. Yeah, I mean, I think the fact that they've got three kids, probably made the decision a little bit easier. And, you know, their wife is coming along to yell into the barnacle about how they need to come home and help. But they've got their science, and it's more important because they're pushing forward to their scientific progress.

That's what they say as they're shitting out of the little hole in the bottom of the barnacle. Maybe she can convince him that she gets to have her own barnacle as well. And then the kids just have to raise themselves. Oh, that's a really good idea. And then they can have sex through holes in the barnacle shell. People, a couple with three kids having sex. Well, this is what it takes.

You know, a bit of role played, a spice things up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, at first, the first, yeah. Takes you out of your shell, ironically, by putting you into a shell. Yeah.

I mean, that makes sense. Then one day they come along and they find that they've been killed by one of those little drilling shells. Someone's come along in one of those drilling shells. You know those drilling shells that are in the ocean? They've got that really sharp sort of tooth on their tongue. When you find shells on the seashore

that have got that hole in them and you can use them to make them necklace, that's because a creature has come along a little predatory mollusk. It drills a hole and it sticks its tongue in and basically just eats them, just sucks them all out and eats them. So that's what's actually the cut that's like a straw tongue. Shells are empty. Yeah, it has a straw tongue of some kind. And yeah, devours their fleshy body. Through the hole.

Yeah, I find the idea of living in the ocean very upsetting. Have you ever seen one of those giant seasnails that just can stretch out its mouth hole so that it can just swallow a fish hole? I haven't seen that, Alistair. No, but I'm gonna be thinking about it for a while. You know, you think, well, here you are, you're a fish. You see a snail you go, well,

there's no competition here. He's a dumb snail. I am a fish built for swimming very fast. And then somehow his mouth gets really big in a way that doesn't make sense. And you are suddenly enveloped by mouth. And then he just closes the mouth. Yeah, and not only are you dead or at least dying,

you're also probably suitably chisened, a little bit embarrassed. Oh, absolutely. I mean, that's why I think it's made. I think so. That's why once you're partially submerged within the snail mouth, you don't even bother to try and swim away. Yeah.

Because of how embarrassing it is that you've even gotten this far. Well, what kind of a life would it be? You know, if you did escape, you've then got to spend the rest of your days in the full knowledge that you're a bit of a fucking idiot. And I think that's why I fear getting into real fights with people because I always think that people are going to have some kind of weird special ability that I'm not gonna be able to predict. Like people, you know, somebody will do something weird with their hand, like they'll just move it

in a weird way in the corner of my eye. And that'll be enough to distract me that they can just hit me in my head a lot. Mm-hmm. Sure. What do you think, like, you are easily distracted. Yeah, but don't you think like there's people probably just have tricks that they can trick your brain and they just know that and they go like that. You know like that, you know that thing with a frog?

Like, you know, we're like toads or something like if you're catching a toad, if you make a, like a snake shape with your hand, with one hand, it just keeps its eye on that weird stage shape. And then you could use your other hand to grab it? I didn't know this about catching toes out, but I'm really interested. That's very useful to me. That's going to come in handy.

Can I tell you that what you're describing, I think you were doing somebody clicking with one hand and hitting somebody with another, is quite literally how my brothers and I used to fight when we were... So... We had a sort of a joke fighting routine that we would do where one of us would click their heads

to pretend to distract the other person while slapping them in the face with the other head. So you really hit upon something there. Ask George about it. Who edits the podcast? Well, maybe I'll just hit him that way. I think he would love that. If you tried that on him, he'd be really excited. The rush of nostalgia. I was very surprised with it while hitting him in the workplace. I know that we can yeah, great. I know that we come up with quite a few versions of mixed martial arts type sketches on this show. But I am interested in, based on what we were just discussing, one where there is, you also have to fight looking at your phone in some way. So I think, you know,

to fight looking at your phone in some way. So I think, you know, for some reason. You gotta be reading something out. Yeah, for some reason. You're in a Vick's Vachal Arts type scenario, but one of your weaknesses as a fighter is that you keep wanting to check your phone. You know, they're both in the ring. Both, maybe it's Vick's Vachal Arts,

but everybody has their phone in their pocket. And we just see how things play out when there is that additional X factor of God, it'd be great to be able to check Twitter. See if anybody's watching the fight and if they've said anything about how well I'm doing in the fight. Oh, man, because I mean, these days they actually do put some of the live tweets up onto the screen. Where there's a fight going on. I was like a screen that's in the venue. Well, when you're watching the, when you're watching the fight, they bring up people tweeting going,

oh, this is a really fun fight. Yeah, okay, well, that, but the tweets are on a big screen right next to the octagon. No, no, the fighter can just looking it up on his hashtag on his phone. Yeah, okay, sure. But then I just thought of that other version. But yes. But also, there's the idea that like, you can also use that as a way of making yourself seem more vulnerable. Because you're looking at your phone,

they're gonna think, well, here's my chance to suck her punch up. Yeah, you're right. I think for me personally, if I was in a big special art situation, making myself seem more vulnerable would not be one of the challenges. You know, I think I would already look sufficiently vulnerable. But maybe for anybody else, you're right,

that could help in some way. It's like those birds that pretend to have a little broken wing to lure you away from their nest at the beach. If you've seen this, you've seen this bird. Oh, I didn't see that. Oh, there are a few different species that do it. I've seen them when you're at the beach and you see some little bird doing this weird thing. It sticks one of its arms out, or one of its wings out, it's a weird angle and sort of scuttles along, runs a little way and then you follow it and then it runs a little bit further, and runs a little bit further,

and then eventually it'll fly away and loop back around and go back to its nest. But it's a strategy that they have to, yeah, lure predators away from their eggs. I think it's quite good. But that, but... Why do you follow the bird, though? What? You're trying to eat the bird. What? I don't understand why you see a vulnerable bird in your life.

I'm gonna fucking get that bird. You're a vegetarian. I know, but I'm not an idiot. Not an idiot. I'm not gonna pass up a free bird on the beach. Free bird meat. It would be very strange. I imagine that as a vegetarian,

it's probably okay to eat the meat if it's raw. It's okay to eat the meat if the bird already has a broken wing and it's vulnerable. It's gonna die anyway. If you can in any way justify... In any way, Alistair. That it's value of its life has been diminished. Exactly.

But I wonder if we could employ that strategy. So I think the mixed martial arts with a phone is one thing, Alistair. But I wonder if we could employ that sort of decoy strategy. In other, if we could learn from the animal kingdom and employ that in other forms of sort of security. Or could it be used in crime? This is part of the business. I'm saying, say in places where, let's say where there's a country that steals a lot of intellectual property. Okay, right.

Right. Could you say, lure that country away by looking like your company is very vulnerable? Could you use making your company look very vulnerable as a way of making money? Vulnerable to, I guess cyber attacks to steal your or yeah, vulnerable to cyber attacks or vulnerable to takeovers. Yes, I mean, so look, look, I, I, as an idea, you, you have a company that actually doesn't do that much, right? Really good, yep.

Okay, but you make it look like it's a functioning company, but that it's come into some financial strife. Now, to some, this might just appear to be fraud. Well, that was my first instinct. Yes. But, but what you're you're you're not actively looking for you're basically all marketing. You're all marketing and then with a leak, right? So you're all marketing about how successful you are and you know you're seeing everywhere and things like that. But then but then it comes out that there's trouble

and then people, predatory companies will come along and be like, oh, this might be my chance to get this company for cheap. I think, I think if we can pull this off without technically committing fraud, Alistair, I think that's very impressive. I guess it's kind of like, it's sort of like the producers, but for business. The idea, well, could you have, but for business, can you find a way of

making more money from a company that doesn't do much than you would from a company that is successful? than you would from a company that is successful. I mean, there must be people who are doing this in some way already, right? Well, like, people like, you know, farmers who get paid to not grow apples or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I should be getting some of that money. I mean, we have a couple of apples growing in the backyard. Maybe that's why I'm not eligible for whatever that money is. How would you stop your trees from growing apples?

This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Multitask right now. Quote today at progressive.com. Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed, who saved with progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings were varied, discounts not available in all safe and situations. I'd have to be a much better non-farmer than I currently am. You know, at the moment I'm just ignoring them and they're growing apples, regardless. I'd have to be out there actively, working a lot harder in the fields

to stop the apples from growing than I currently am. Yeah, I think that creating the impression, so I mean, my initial thought was that like, maybe you could do it with like shell companies and you have this company that in theory owns these smaller companies, right? maybe you could do it with like shell companies and you have this company that in theory owns these smaller companies that make things and have actual valuable intellectual property. But you've arranged it in such a way that you don't actually own any of the IP.

So the IP is owned by someone else and those companies while producing the thing and appearing to own it, they don't and then somebody comes along and buys your company thinking they're getting all that other stuff and they actually get nothing. Is this in any way interesting or useful? I'm not sure, Andy. I feel like I've taken us down a really bad path. I apologize. But why are you talking just then?

I thought about a company that their job is to just intercept data from Uber, right? And what we do is we just send a person to get in the car first before the customer does. Yeah. So that Uber picks up the wrong person, which happens sometimes by accident. Yeah.

And then that person gets a free ride somewhere they don't want to go. Didn't want to go. Well, it's a kind of Uber piracy, isn't it? Or... But, it's the kind of thing that they would have to pay to make it stop. It's a kind of hijacking or possibly low-jacking where you're just swooping in just in time

to get the ride. And what is the value? The value is... Well, it's overlauzed. Exactly, right. You're damaging Uber's business model. And they have to then pay, presumably, we'd be hoping for a situation where they pay us off to not get into their rides.

Yeah, I would say that's a I guess if you were I guess if you were sort of shorting Uber, I guess it's modern piracy, but it's just occupying space. Because I mean if you've got all the information, you're just kind of getting in the way. You're front running. What you're doing is you're front running. You're getting in front of there. Yeah, you're front running the customers and you're front running Uber. You're getting all that information and then you're you're doing is you're front running. You're getting in front of there. Yeah, you're front running the customers and you're front running Uber. You're getting all that information and then you're gonna be there first. So, I mean, there could be some marginal value to us though

in offering this service, right? And what we're doing is we're hacking all of Uber's data. We're finding out where their rides are going, are picking people up and where they're going. And then we have this pool of customers who want to get a ride a bit cheaper than what Uber is willing to pay. And so say you're trying to get to the other side

of the city, right? You're trying to get from Brunswick to South Melbourne, okay? And then we, you let us know that you want to do that at some point in the next six hours, okay? And then we find that there's a ride that's coming to pick somebody up about, you know, about two kilometers away, okay? And if you sprint, you'll be able to get into that ride. Now that ride is going to East Melbourne, okay? So it's a bit out of your way. But then we're going to be able to say there's another one. It's one tip to the price. And there's another Uber that's leaving from there that you might just be able to get on to, okay? And that's going to footscray. But we're going to be able to get you there eventually. It's kind of a routing algorithm that optimizes for

It's kind of a routing algorithm that optimizes for just minimum cost and nothing else matters. So you're going to have to do a lot of running and you're going to be very late. But you're going to pay considerably less. Considerably less. And it'll give you the information. It'll be like, you've got to be here. At this point, and your name is going to be Susan. Yeah, great. This is your backstory. And here is the screen that you'll need to show to say, yeah, I'm Susan like that. Part of our algorithm and part of the data we're going to have to steal is we're also going

to have to get the geolocation data of the person who is going to get the ride Because we want to make sure that they're not standing in quite the right spot at the right time To be the first person to get to the vehicle So if they're we can detect that they're somehow still in the office or in the toilet or something like that And they're going to be out a little bit late to get to the car. That's our window of opportunity That's a good window, yeah. It's small, but there's a tiny, tiny profit to be made. That's the great thing about running these tech companies. We don't need, because we don't actually have any infrastructure or employees, and we're even better off the noobers, because we don't even need to print out those

little stickers for people. We don't even need to pay drivers. It's just us getting paid by customers. We're just skimming a little bit off the top of reality. See, that's nice. That's just free money. Just sits very early. That's gravy. Yeah. It's a little sort of grey market. I mean, it is theft, but what have we taken? We don't have anything. We don't have anything. Like, a ride? What is that? That's just movement

from one place to another. Where's it gone? Exactly. And is confusion, is sort of repeated accidents and confusion? Is that a crime? You know, that's all that's happening. Well, it was just that we were confused. We got into the wrong Uber. I mean, if I ever got caught for Eddie crime, a big part of my defense would be,

I was just confused. I didn't really know what was going on. I think I'm going to be leaning very heavily on that. I'm being confused. One, we're talking just then, I had a thought also about like an additional service that is just, you know, how sometimes in teen movies, you see kids holding onto the tow bar of a car

and being pulled behind it on their skateboard. Oh yeah. Feels like you should be allowed to do that. And you know, you should be able to exist like one of those hold onto the back escape boards. I mean, especially those ones going downhill because they get a lot of speed. That's a lot of free energy. You can hold onto them. I don't, I don't know about, I don't know about, um, about, about holding on to skateboard as Alistair.

But you give them in your car, you give them a lift up the hill. Oh yeah. And then on the way down. They go at the front and you hold onto them up the window and they skateboard down and you pull them, they pull you down the hill. But this is my idea, right? It's somebody. Sorry Alist Okay, sorry.

Sorry, Alistair, yeah. I mean, very good, very good, ha ha. But here's my idea, which is the like. Very good ha ha ha ha. This is somebody who's like a real cheap skate and they've got all these little scams they're trying to pull all the time. They're like, you know, a lot of people,

they're, you know, once you're out on the highway, okay, they are keeping on burning petrol in their car, keeping their foot on the gas and that sort of thing. That's, you know, that's a waste of money. What I do is I have a little, I crawl out onto my bonnet, or maybe I crawl through the bonnet somehow, or reach out with a little hook, and I hook onto the tow bar of the car in front of me. Okay? And it just looks like I'm tailgating, but I turn off the engine,

and I just put it in neutral, and then you just let them, you know, these suckers driving everywhere under their own steam. It's a little scam you can pull. It's a little life hack to to especially especially if you're doing it on buses and things like that because then that's just public utilities. Exactly. You're already paying for that with your tax dollars. Well you look at I mean if you could do this to one of those

huge trucks. I mean they even have a sign right on the back of some of those huge trucks that says if you can't see me, I can't see you. Right? Oh, that's great. And that is good to know. Okay, they've given the game away there. That means that if we can just get up in that slipstream, okay, just to have some sort of little suction cap or something that suckers on to the back of their,

their truck, then we can be like one of those fish that holds onto a shark, whatever they're called. You know, and just slide along there, living the parasitic lifestyle of the ocean. Going where they wanna go. Going where they wanna go, Sure, cleaning their teeth. What are they doing? I guess in a way, you're breathing in their exhaust.

So I guess you're kind of cleaning the air in some way by. Yeah, filtering it through your lungs. That's something. Lampray is a little, I think it's a, might be a lampray that does that to sharks. Can that be a sketch idea, LSD? Andrew, it's already written there. Oh, yes, sir.

Parasitic car man. I mean, it is, yeah, it would be great if you could. Oh, does it have to be a man, Andy? Oh, what, only men would hold onto another car with their cars, at it. Yes. Or women can't do that, eh? That's right.

Oh, typical. I'm putting men in inverted commas. Thank you. Just to highlight your bigotry. I would, I mean, it is nice if it could be done somehow with the hands that you are reaching out and just grabbing on from your car. But I'd love to do that.

I'd love to imagine how that could work physically. I'd love to be able to do it when, you know, like the train tracks, you know, you're kind of, you're driving country road. But the train tracks are parallel to the highway and you're kind of like, sometimes it feels like you're racing the train tracks are parallel to the highway and you're kind of like, sometimes it feels like you're racing the train. Yeah.

But if you could just get, if you had like a long stick with a hook, like one of those ones that like lifeguards have, you know, to save kids or like, or one of those ones with the loop that you would catch a dog with if you're a dog catcher. Yep. You know, you could just hold onto that

and then just let the car ride. I love it. Turn off the engine, put it into neutral. I love it. Kick back, put on a DVD. Yeah. I mean, keep an eye out for trees or something next time. I don't think so.

I think the government should have thought about that. I'm sure they should have, Alistair. But they patently haven't. So, I mean, it is going to be you that gets dragged. Put on a DVD, watch Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone for the seventh time. All right. I mean, it is a compelling introduction to the franchise. Yeah. I think I think one of the, I know this is not funny, but one of the people who died in a Tesla, I think, me have been watching that. Oh my God. I mean, they, they're fault for making the movies so damn good. Yeah. I think because that's, that was the one I think the truck pulled out onto the road

and it was like, the sun was behind them, so the sun was, and the truck was white and it was like, it confused all the sensors, because it was just such a bright white. Yeah, fucking hell. I mean, I find it hard when the sun is coming over a hill or something or it's right behind you and your windscreen's a a bit greasy. Oh yeah which is always. Always absolutely every single moment. So yeah I relate. Yeah I relate to that automatic driving system. Yeah. So can't really blame it. No, no court can be for. No court can convict that car. Yeah, I wonder if it would also defend itself in court, self-defending. Now, I

mean, that's the next frontier isn't it? Tesla really needs to work on the, if they get a self-driving system, it will also the Tesla model S will also be representing itself in court. I mean, how many arguments can there be that you could make in a court of law? Exactly. I mean, there's only so many iterations. I mean, even lawyers are basing their arguments often off of all, of the old cases. Yep. I mean, I think that a Tesla is likely going to be the first card to represent itself in

court. I'm excited. Because I think it would be unfair to bring the, to bring the whole company of Tesla into court, taken the whole company to court, not that you would bring the whole company of Tesla into court, taken the whole company to court, not that you would bring the building into the court. Look, I, Alistair, I am, I guarantee to you, 100% that right now Elon Musk and Tesla are working on a way

to make each individual car a separate legal entity that is responsible for itself and that no nothing that it does or engages in can in any way be cheated home to them. So this is just we're just describing reality as it is. And it would make sense that you would start out by just if for some reason a Tesla did speed or or break some parking limit or something like that, that it would have access to a system that could allow it to get out of those use arguments to get out of those things. Exactly.

That's how it starts. Approach the bench and it has those proximity sensors. Like that. Do you think when it was walking up to the, just to the place where the lawyers sit and the accused in that sort of thin walkway between the two crowds of audience, that it would be able to pop itself on two wheels instead of drive on the two wheels. Not picturing the back wheels, I mean, on the side. Oh, yeah.

No, of course. Yeah, I think they have a little ramp near the, this will be also some law. But I mean, imagine if you could do it, there's probably a way that it could do. I mean, yeah, the ramp is the logical way. And that's what you would do, of course, if you were, if a society was being inclusive of cars. But there's probably a maneuver that you can pull a very erratic turn, like a,

like a left turn and then a right turn very quickly, that could put you up on two wheels without the ramp? Yeah, I think, I mean, I've seen on top gear when they're going around a sharp corner, sometimes the car just gets up on two wheels just anyway, just because of centrifugal force. So that checks out. Yeah, but do you think you could do it in a courtroom setting over a very short distance? I think it would be difficult,

but if anybody can work it out, it's gonna be those boffins down at this point. Well, you know what the thing is, is that the one thing the legal system hasn't thought of is that they've never put a speed limit in a courtroom. You think that could be a car? So you actually, the car could actually drive through the courthouse.

It's fast as it wants. You know a lot of hit people, but I mean, it would be breaking no laws if it was going, say, 120 kilometers an hour. They really should have thought of that. You got to put, you got to put, crazy, isn't it, that like, that no laws apply in a courtroom? And not a lot of people know this, in a courtroom. Not a lot of people know this, but it's a legal vacuum, because everyone's already there to talk about the crime that they're there to talk about. If you do another crime in there, it doesn't count. It's already saturated with crime. Yeah. What about this? It's the fast lawyer. He sprints everywhere, right?

And he talks really fast. Sure. I mean, can the judge stop that? Is that wrong? If he says approach to the bed. He's certainly not wasting the court's time. Is he quite the opposite? He's making, if anything, too efficient use of the court's time. But again, that's, that it doesn't say anyway, you can't do that.

Um, hopefully approach the bench. You're taking this too seriously. Um, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,, uh, uh, uh,, fast someone's approached a bench. Fast lawyer. It's good. I mean, he's probably just somebody with mania. Yeah, okay. But, you know, he's just, he's feeling good. He's fit. He's sprinting. He's wearing, he's wearing A6.

That's like formal Lycra. Business Lycra. Business Lycra. Yeah, he sounds quick. So like breathable, a breathable suit that's skin tight with a tie that's made of that same kind of wet suit material.

Anyway, I've written down fast lawyer because that's definitely a sketch. I know that this is a place where I feel like you could argue with me, but I'm just admitting it now. How could I? How could I, Elisdair? Andy, how would you feel if I if we did three words from a listener? I'm just the first I've heard of this. Oh, you don't know about this? I'm afraid to learn more. Well, words are sort of like a the smallest unit of, I guess of communication.

Meaning? Sure. Yeah, of meaning that we communication. Meaning? Sure. Yeah, of meaning that we have at least in language. You might have another way of communicating, but... Semaphore, maybe? Hmm. Sure. And do you seem like a guy who would know semaphore?

Is that the flags? I know. It is flags. I think we might have done some when I was in scouts, but you were also in scouts, I believe Alistair. I'm sure you would have heard. Yeah. We did a little bit when I was not in stats, but when I was in, when I was doing the surf

life saving. You know, once upon a time, that would have been the coding of, of its day day, you know everyone would have been like kids need to learn semaphore They're gonna be left behind Semaphore literacy is is crucial to employment Absolutely, and it's still true today To this day Yeah, so anyway, we've got three words from a listener, Alistair, I'm gonna guess the first one.

Are you ready? Wait, wait, wait, don't you want to know who the listener is? Oh, yeah, of course. Julian walls. Julian walls. Julian walls. I've realized today that I think the system is falling apart. Alistair, it's been falling apart since the moment it was created.

I don't think there's ever been an episode where you've been confident in your ability in words that haven't already been read out. Even the first episode when we did this, probably. Yeah. I think everybody sent me new words. Every... We're starting again. We're starting again. We're starting again. I need to, uh, yeah.

I just need to get a fresh start. A fresh start. It's tearing you apart. There's all this baggage. Okay, I'll just take a little bit of this. He lost a lot of the people. Okay, yeah. So what's the first thing? Flannel it. Flannel it.

No way. I don't think you got a single letter correct. Ah, this is a- this is no good for me. No, the first word is rigorous. Oh, God. Okay. Alright. Pomegranate.

Pomegranate? Again, no. The second word, and I think Julian Walls is really trying to push the limits of what a word is. Second word is tech giant. Oh, yeah, but I'll allow that, because he didn't use the word full word technology. I feel like it's where you still

was allowed a bit more word. Giant. He didn't use the full word giant. Good tick. Giant. Gigantic. Yeah, he didn't use that either. Oh, giant is like you've taken a bunch of words out of gigantic. Bunch of letters. Yeah, sure. You got rid of the girl. Tech. Giant. Sure. Rick, you got rid of the good.

Tech giant. And the dyadic. Uh, nostrum? Nostrum, Andy. Again, I'm not sure there's a single, on other is one letter, this one is. No, Andy, the last word is beach club. And it's because he didn't use all of beachology. Yeah, beach knowledge.

So that's why he could do you know where this takes me and he didn't use all of club clubhouse. So this takes me to a, um, you know, obviously it's, it's become a cliche that, you know, tech companies have a two relaxed workplace culture and it's all bean bags and table tennis and all that kind of shit in their workplace. But I don't think there's any tech companies where it's just out of beach and everybody's constantly buried up to their neck and sand. Buried up to the neck and sand or building sand castles or even holding their breath underwater. I think if we're trying to help people be relaxed at work,

then why go to all this effort of building a building and then making it relaxing inside when we already have the most relaxing place, the beach. And just take some waterproof laptops and go swimming. You know, at the bottom there. Yeah, most your meetings you'd be treading water. Exactly. Get together a little paddle circle with your focus groups, with your task force. You could be sort of scratching a flow charts in the sand. Sure. And when the waves come and wash that away, that's a good reminder not to get too attached to conventional thinking. Exactly. I love, I don't know why, but I want there to be, it's three people with their heads buried up to their neck, like their body's buried up to their neck. And they've got

like mimosas or drinks, you know, very tropical drinks with straws that go into their mouths. And they've maybe wearing like a, you know, like a, one of those hats that's, that's got no top. It's like one of those things that like, a visor and maybe ones introducing one to the big boss. And the other ones, the big boss ones saying, oh, I met him down at Google and he, this guy is great.

It's like, it's a job interview. Yeah. They got zinc on their face. They got big white thing on their face like that. And these people, they save so much money by not having any real estate. The closest thing to real estate that they have is those beach tents that unfold. Yeah, or they lay down a towel.

Yeah. Well, I think if there are people who are laying down a towel and lying on a towel, they'd be considered very conventional by the standards of this workplace. The fact that they need their own space like that, that's the, you know, might as well have a cubicle. Even wearing swimwear seems almost a bit, you know, like you're conforming with the status quo. You're right, they should all be naked. There should be, I mean, you know, I mean, just for the sake of filming it, I think, for the sake of the actors, they don't need to be nude.

I mean, I know real actors love a bit of nudity. Let me tell you this, Alistair. If you have a, if you want to pitch an idea, right, they've got to rule this company. If you want to pitch an idea, you've got to pitch it to me underwater. Because if your idea isn't good enough, can't be communicated underwater. Shouting underwater, then it's too complicated. And you need to go back to the drawing board.

And by drawing board, I mean, that bit of sand near the tideline with a stick. If I can't understand, if I don't get the gist of your idea while I'm underwater fleeing from a shark. Exactly. Right. How are people supposed to understand it when they're looking at their phone? You know, when it's just rolling. Yeah, we can get them transferred on Twitter.

Exactly. So I wonder what they actually make. It's something. This company. They make shoes. They make shoes. High-tech shoes. No, no walking boots.

No. The reason why I like the idea of things that are high-tech is because of the way that technology and sand don't mix it all. And so I like to think that they're making, they make microchips or something like that. But they don't have any facilities. Well, I mean, but sand is silicon. And I think man, getting that through you know, the sand.

And then you go into one of those, one of those like beach tents, right? You know, it just looks like I think it turns out that it's actually got a tunnel that goes underground to this really high tech facility underneath and they've just been stealing real estate by just going deep into the ground. And it's all because they're right at the source of the silicon. And they were so easily mockable. We didn't realize it was like Trump, right? He was such a cartoonish figure. We didn't realize the long-term significant structural damage

he was doing to the democratic process and the makeup of the Supreme Court because we focus too much on his his ludicrous ness. I don't know if anyone actually did succumb to that problem but it's a argument you can find. I think a lot of people did actually. I think that's also the problem. That was the problem with Abbott. Once Abbott got taken away and we were so focused on all the bad stuff that he was doing because he was so ridiculous that once he went away, they've had equally destructive conditions who actually are less ridiculous.

And so then you don't even see all that, but this is the opposite of what we're talking about. So forget it. Andrew, I think that's important. Yeah, I think we did it now. Beach Tech Company. We got it. Andrew, I think it's important. Yeah, I think we did it now. Beach Tech Company, we got it. I'm going to take us to the sketch.

I just thank you, Julian Walls, for those words. If those are the first time we've done those words, then we've got. So the sketch ideas for today are a person with new organ, which detects something more fundamental to how the universe works, and changes our understanding of physics. And often it probably involves, you know,

if you put your hand in their thing, you could probably see a little bit from their point of view in their wet chest. Imagine like just, it's just kind of like a glowing blue sort of just pile of slime, like a slime bag on their chest. If you were looking for somewhere to put something in the body, probably replacing one of the two lungs, which makes a lot of sense, because we've established that you can live with only one lung, and the lung takes up a lot of space.

So if you're looking for a fish, you can even just flatten them out a little bit. What if you flatten them out and curl them around a little bit more? So it gets a little bit closer to the hugs, the edges a bit more. Sure. I mean, you could take out a long, I understand that, but I just mean like, you probably get a lot of the same surface area by just flattening it out and just kind of getting it more. I mean, I don't know, Elastur, I think that the lug is already spent a lot of work

Try to work out how to get the maximum surface area But sure, oh, I can't be improved. Well, well wait and you just you wait and see how the next Like a three billion years ago God, you're gonna look so stupid when it finds more efficiencies Probably by flattening it out. That's where my money is. Let's place it. Let's make this interesting. A little wage at 20 bucks says, it's flattening it out. Come back in three billion years. I still think we need an exit hole. We need an exit hole for the lung.

And if it was down near the, then the hips or something like that. All right. So that you could breathe in through the mouth and then out through the hip or even if the breathing was just all happening through the hips. Yeah. Because why fucking have that hole next to the food pipe? It's insane. Anyway, um, pipe. It's insane. Anyway, then we got barnacle scientists living on the side of the CSRRO, so they can probably, I mean, they can get more work done, but also it's a new approach to science. It's you live in a shell on the side of a building. I mean, I think that one needs a little bit more development, but we'll get that. No, no, no, no, no. Huh? We got looking at phone martial arts.

This is either a way of distracting the opposition or it's you being really distracted or it's a style of martial arts where you actually have to read out like a passage or something or you're reading out, you know, the people are just looking, reading out Twitter, seeing how the fight is going while they're fighting. It's, I think what the problem for me is that the situation there inside the Octagon, it's very unrealistic. And I mean, we've already talked about this,

so we talked about having people fight in a cafe. Yeah. Forget it, move on. Then we've got the Uber Front Running Company, which gets all of Uber's data and intercepts all of the, the, we send our customers to intercept all the rides so that they can get our free rides for at least one 10 to the price at least.

So the person whose ride got intercepted, call up and says, hey, you picked up the wrong person and then you actually technically they wouldn't have to pay at all because the money would come out of the other person's Uber account. Yeah, I know about how we make a money. Oh, that's true. We are charging them something. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay, yeah, I forgot. Then hook it up onto other vehicles with your car, like a skateboarder, and holding who holds a bus, you know? It's like parasitic car man, according to Andy. And then we got fast lawyer. Oh yeah, okay, here we go.

Yeah, and he's, you know, his opening statement is like 25 seconds, but he fits in three pages of data in there. Yeah. And Luke, because there's no such thing as high-veheter. I think the Jews will find that favorable. They go, this guy's not wasting my time at all. Yeah, I want to, I want us all to get out of here as quickly as possible.

A quick case is a good case, he says. Yeah, a quick case is a good case. And you know what, I think that that fast lawyer could be a woman. That's something I think. And I'm willing to make that concession. See for me, it's not a concession. For me, that's how I originally thought of it. I'm sorry, I'm being an idiot. Beach tech company.

This is a tech company that doesn't have any real estate, maybe. And it's all in the beach. It's so relaxed. It makes the other, it makes Google look like a pilot crap. Some uptight. Yeah. Ninety-fifthies. People think that they're relaxing.

People think they're relaxing in a bean bag. Well, what about this? You're in a banana lounge. You're three cocktails in. And you're going drunk swimming with the CEO. To have a, you know, like a, you're diving off a bridge into shallow water with the hand and the bow. While you're talking schematics that you've sort of, you're describing to them. Yeah, but leaves that you've laid out on a rock.

Yeah. And that's it. That's, that's episode 288. I think. And that's it. That's episode two eight eight. Hmm. I think. Andrew? What do you think? Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-b Thank you so much for listening to in the think tank. We really appreciate it and you know, I hope that was okay And you can find us on Twitter

You bet you know that and you can find me on Twitter. It's stupid old Andy I'm an illustrious TV on if you don't already and if you do already then thank you God. Thank you Gosh, thank you so much that genuinely helps our lives a tremendous amount And you can always get magma from sosprospresents.com. Always. You can check out the pop tests. You can... Do you remember Pat McCaffrey, who we work with at Man Is Hell,

he had started a podcast. Do you know what it is? I do not, Alistair. No. I've not. Are we gonna promote it? I thought we could. I mean, I haven't been doing it.

It's going well so far. But. If you can hold the fort for a second. How about I put a link? I'll put a little link down in the old Little linky region of the thing to Pat McAffrey's Podcast and whatever it is it'll be great because Pat is fantastic his His podcast is called a little knowledge. Oh And I think it plays on the idea that a little bit of knowledge is dangerous. I

Wouldn't know about that. And it's with Pat McCaffrey and Brendan Giuliani. Okay. And the episodes, some of the episodes are called Farmer Once A Fact, Lord of the Wars, Tipety Wicked, and so on. I'm going to give that a damn good listening. And we love you. You.

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