Two In The Think Tank - 330 - "GWACK-A-MOLE"

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

Buckle Up, Organ Scorcher, Bonar, Sinatrauma, Clone Bone, Better You-Gun, Body (Swap) Horror, Guacamole Grab, God Must Be Coke Bottle, Eat-a-Pus ComplexCheck out Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Please buy tickets to "My" "Client" "Is" "Innocent" at MICF until the end of AprilAnd also buy tickets to Honk Honk Hubba Hubba Ring-A-Ding-Ding with Al and Matt StewartListen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereTwo in the Think Thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank. Today's episode is brought to you by a book that I've written. Can I start again? No, no, no, no. I burped twice already. Can I start again?

No, no, no. I burped twice already. It's brought to you by a book that I've written called Gustav and Henry. I wrote it with Peter Thomas, friend of the show. It's a children's book for young readers, and it's got three stories in one book, and it's very funny. It's about a pig and a dog who are good friends, and they go to space, and they go back in time, and they solve a mystery of a missing cake. And if you can buy it, then they might let us make more. And that'll be a huge amount more work.

So, I mean, you do what you think is right. Also, today's episode is brought to you by the last four shows of... My Client is Innocent at the Comedy Festival. If you are within going distance, you could go. You could go see that. You could go see my split stand-up show

with Matt Stewart, Honk Honk, Hubba Hubba, Ring-a-Ding-Ding. Or you could go see the show that I directed, Betty Caretto with Carly Milroy and Bronny. Yes. Bronny Lastname. Bronny Lastname. Lastname-y. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to... To In The Think Tank, the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas that's right yes i'm thinking of changing the name of the show to buckle up though because we're in a car and alistair is wearing his seat belt for the podcast yeah i decided that it would be interesting you know you often you often have people who are talking into microphones who will say to the audience buckle up for what's about to hit. But they very rarely take their own advice. But look, if the conversation grinds to a halt,

Al's going to be the one laughing when I get thrown out through the windshield. And he's going to smash into a brick wall. His face already pretty damaged by going through this windshield. Yeah. Yeah. And just, you know, the last 38 years.

38 years, Alistair. Yeah, I know. Don't even start. We are so deep into life. Do you realize that that is halfway to 76? Oh, my goodness. Right? What's your name?

Andy? Oh, goodness. Right? What's your name? Andy? Wow. But you've lived, haven't you? I don't feel that I have. There was that time you went to India and you sat in your hotel room the whole time. You've lived. That's true.

That's a good way to look at it um what what about though what about a seat belt just for normal chairs right seat belt for the office chairs the first office chair that comes with a seat belt and an airbag now why would you need that what about a seat belt for just when you're walking around okay but then it kind of like moves itself from anchor to anchor as you go around. Yeah, okay. So it has an actual functional purpose. Mine was going to be largely symbolic for, you know, and it would be great if you're walking along.

You have one. It's built into your clothes, right? There's a little clip down there on your waist. Yeah. And then there's one of those big roller things where all the seatbelt comes out of yeah up there on your shoulder basically means that whenever you're talking to someone you want to say buckle up you can then literally buckle up you could stop you can be like a better writer and be showing not telling and then so this is how you'll you'll show them not tell them you'll go you'll buckle up you know then you'll go then you'll point to know, and then you'll go, then you'll point to yourself. Yeah. And then you'll say, and then you'll point to them.

Yeah. And then you'll point back to yourself again. Great. As in an attempt to say. And then you mouth the words, buckle up, like I do. Yeah. Like, but you do that. Yeah.

You do this. And then they're looking at you, like sort of shaking their head and like shrugging. And you're like, all right. And then you gesture to come over here. Come over here. And you go to a table where there's a little bit of paper. And you write down the words, buckle up. Buckle up.

Yeah. And then they write question mark. And you write, like I did with the buckle. With the buckle. Then they say, your pants buckle? Or the seatbelt buckle that you just did up on your shirt? I mean, look, it could actually also serve as a sort of a sash cross cross body um pants that's true i mean it could be one of those it

could be a sash always ready for winning an award being the best of something at some festival i mean everybody in every room is the best at something that's actually really profound and you could actually just have it based off of like data that you're not you know like your your smart watch gets it could just be a digital like e-ink sash that constantly updates yeah tell you what you're the best at you know it could be like one person could be fast as heart rate yeah but in the room you know in the room fastest heart rate uh this person's like is carrying you know the largest volume of shit of anyone in the wow your wrist could your watch could tell that from your wrist well i assume that they could probably just pass i mean it's

probably can if there's the shit is has reached your wrist yeah that's true i mean but you think do you think the wrist could do sonar in the body sure why not it's the window to the you know like I mean whatever you just get one of those like um you know the end of one of those ultrasound things what about this bonar sonar but with boners now how would that work does the does the bonar still go yeah oh yeah yeah sure does oh wait and is it that line that spins around yeah yeah and so the boner just kind of turns around like that and anytime it hits something you go there's something that's coming to into our boner i suppose it could also work as a like a imagine a sort of a nightmare scenario

okay sort of a horror film just imagine a random nightmare scenario no you know in a sort of a human centipede saw type situation somebody's navigating their way around a labyrinth

blindfolded they have to use the only way they can navigate is by having their boner protruding in order to be able to sense if they're approaching something. So you're saying they don't have any eyes? Well, they're blindfolded. Their hands are tied behind their back. So this is like the second film of Bird Box. Is it?

Yeah, okay. Boner Box. Boner Box. Dick in a box. Really good. Really good. And the only way to find your way around is using Boner. Is that an idea to be proud of?

Is that something that we can put our names to? Well, we don't have to put our names on. Oh, that's true. We could use that name. A pseudonym. We could use that name that all those people. Alan Smithy, that's true. We could use that name. A pseudonym. We could use that name that all those people. Alan Smithy. Alan Smithy.

We could use that. Bonar. Oh, I had an idea for a film as I was driving in today. Yeah. Tell me what you think of this. It's a horror film. Or is it? Because you know what's a great type of film?

Body swap. Body swap films. I love those. It's a body swap film in which a six-year-old boy yeah wakes up in the body of like an 85 year old man yeah right and you spend the whole film not sure whether or not it really is a boy who's woken up in the body of this 65 year old man or he's or if he's just gone completely senile and thinks he's still it thinks he's back he's forgotten all that time of his life and he's gone back to thinking he's a child oh that's cool yeah but then it's like

but the only thing that can do it is if you meet a kid whose body what do they when they say he's an old soul that's right but you meet a kid who's going home in the body of a young child it It's the greatest day of my life. Well, maybe that would happen. Maybe not. We don't. I'm not sure. I guess that would make it horror.

Yeah. That would make it very satisfying. Because you'd be like, oh, finally a person doesn't have dementia. It'd be the heartwarming tale of a man finding out that he doesn't have to. I mean, maybe it can be like horror films very rarely have a heartwarming ending. That's true. Except for that film. Yes, yes.

Heart Scorcher. The guy who burns people's hearts. Yeah, alright. Obviously heart scorcher is the exception that proves the rule. Maybe organ scorcher. He scorches all the organs. The heartwarming tale of a man who burns organs with his hands. Yep. Should I write down organ scorcher? Well, I think you should also write down

bonar. Yeah? Yeah, I do. Because I think, you know, that sheer horror, because, you know, whatever would be great, it's sort of a lot of young men in this movie.

Yeah. And, you know, you're tapping into that primal fear that you have of getting an erection in an uncomfortable time. But you're flipping it completely to be like, what if I lose my erection? An uncomfortable time? You mean like the back of a Volkswagen? Yeah. Remember that show? Yeah.

This is in a reality in which the dimension of time has been swapped with the dimension of cars. Oh, yeah. That's true. Yeah. Sorry. We're still talking about Bonar. But what has the dimension of time been swapped with in Bonar? Yeah. but what what is the dimension of time been swapped with in bonar yeah that would be a good element to add bring it also so wait in bonar okay so they they blindfolded and they're i guess their hands are tied up behind their back

and they have to maintain an erection in order to be able to navigate their way around a labyrinth using the tip of their penis. Okay. So none of their skin feels. No, their skin does feel. But there's something, and I don't know what the element is, but there's some element where if you use any other part of your body to touch anything, you get killed instantly. Okay. So you can't lean your head forward and use your forehead or something like that.

If you wanted to just hit everything. Yeah, they've used lots of foreskin sensing lasers or something like that. So they can tell as soon as something touches it that isn't a foreskin. They go, wait, this seems like it's after something. Something is what they might think when you touch something with your back. Yeah. Do you think the back thinks it's the front?

Oh, my God. It doesn't know. Yeah. It doesn't know. Yeah. Well, for it. It's tragic. For it, you know, it is the front.

Yeah. But, I mean, it also must think then that we're always walking backwards. And that would be infuriating. Right? Oh, yeah. mean, it also must think then that we're always walking backwards. And that would be infuriating. Right? Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. I think there are light sensors on your skin. Do you think that some of your body can actually see through your skin?

You think that your back might know things that you don't know? Well, it might know things that we don't know. Well, it might know things that we don't know. Yeah. It's possible. I mean, this is like your... Did we bring that up on the podcast? It leaves... Well, no, this is in the last episode we tried to do in this very car.

Oh, this very car. Is this podcast still recording? Yeah, it's great. You know, it's recording. It's got battery. We're 12 minutes in. 12 minutes in. Wow. It felt got battery. We're 12 minutes in. 12 minutes in. Wow.

It's felt like longer. Andy got us some brownie M&Ms, right? And so the brown M&M, she's holding a pan of brownies. But also she's got a dead M&M just in her hands like that. That's got brownie in it. Yeah, that's truly psychotic, isn't it? Yeah. Like she must be the, who was that Nazi doctor

who did all those experiments on people? Hannibal Lecter? Hannibal Lecter. She must be the Hannibal Lecter of... She looks so, she looks, you know, actually she does kind of have a dead look in her eye. Yeah, I mean, mostly benign, but yeah, you're right. But she does wear glasses, so it feels like she could, like, take them off and then she'll have, like, a glow-up, you know?

Oh, yeah, that'd be exciting. I mean, it could just be she'll take them off and then she'll reveal herself to be a Nazi doctor. She's got tiny little swastikas tattooed all the way around in the shape of her glasses frames, and you can't see them until she takes them off. because it's tattooed all the way around in the shape of her glasses frames. You can't see them until she takes them off. Imagine that. Imagine a movie in which there's that moment where you take off a woman's glasses and she instantly looks like a Nazi. Because she has a lot of...

I don't know. Something about it. I'm not sure what it is. The transformation. You take off her glasses and you realize... I think the idea of having tiny little swastikas in the shape of glasses. Yeah.

It's like, you know, because I guess you'd always be like, it's a little secret for me. When I get home, I'll take off my glasses. It's a little secret for me or anybody seeing me from even slightly other than directly ahead. Yeah. Well, you know, I suppose so, I guess. But maybe you would never let that happen. You wouldn't allow that to happen.

You're like Mariah Carey. My best angle is my front. Is that her best angle? No, I mean, her best angle is like her left side or something like that. She never lets herself

be photographed from any other angle. Oh, right. And even in film clips, I imagine she's sort of looking slightly to the side like that. Oh, yeah.

She often does do that. She does, doesn't she? It's like she's aware of it and she's constantly, you know, sort of micromanaging it. She often does do that. She does, doesn't she? It's like she's aware of it and she's constantly, you know, sort of micromanaging it. She's controlling her image. Yeah. That's nice.

All night, every night Doctor's been looking fine Da-da-sa-da-da-da-da-da I don't know what that is. Is that a Mariah Carey song? Oh, baby, I'm so into you Dun-dun if you want me to Da-da-da-da-da-da-da I think an album in which you So into you, if you want me to.

I think an album in which you fail to remember. That's the problem with cover albums. They always know all the words. I think a cover album in which you don't know what song you're supposed to be covering until seconds before. Yeah. Right? Frank Sinatra gets surprised by the classics. Right?

The band kicks up. Right? He's really excited because he's like, oh, this is one of the ones I do every single night. What about that? Is that a sketch idea? Surprised by the classics? Surprised by the classics. It does sound like a game.

Like, it does sound like a, like, you know, like, what's-his-name would do it. Oh, absolutely, you would. Yeah. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio. No, that's right. The other guy as well. Raphael Epstein.

No, no, no. Who's that? He's an ABC radio guy. ABC radio presenter. But wait, the other guy would be the guy who does the car karaoke. Oh, James Corden. Corden. He would love this.

Surprised by it. And he'd prep them all. Oh, yeah. He'd prep all the celebrities. He'd go, anyway, we're going to give you these songs. And then they're going to be like, oh, my God, I don't know it. And then they're going to be like, oh. And then they'll sing it perfect. Sing it perfectly.

And he'll act really amazed and blown away. Oh. Throwing his head back. Then throwing his head forwards and putting it in his head. Then throwing it back again. What about this? And his head falls off and rolls across the stage. It's like, it's Frank Sinatra, but terrified by the classics.

Okay. So they play, they play classic songs for him. And he just, just is terrified. It's just in, is yelling. Screaming,

begging for release. Stop playing that song. Right. Yeah. He's just having a real psychotic episode. Okay. You know, um,

you know, is that anything? Yeah, I mean, I'd love to hear it. What if Big Bird was there? I'd love to hear it as an album. And he is just screaming and begging for release. Yeah, and Big Bird's going, why are you hiding, Mr. Sinatra? Now, hang on. I don't understand the Big Bird reference. Is there an album in which Big Bird is with Sinatra in some way?

No, no, no. I was just adding something to it. Yeah, okay. Well, then that's great. Yeah? Yeah. What I love about it is that it's not a reference to anything. Yeah, yeah.

It's not. No, Big Bird's there, and there could be others. Okay. Who else? Let's see. That sheep that they cloned? Dolly? Oh, Alistair.

I was hoping you'd say something really red. And then you absolutely. You went so far beyond what I could have hoped for it was either that or ernie i felt like ernie was too close i'm so glad you didn't say ernie i mean this is this is a nightmare yeah this is a nightmare. Yeah. This is a nightmare scenario, right? Like, imagine, imagine Frank is already, he's in his declining years. He's not doing well, right? Yeah.

His voice is still amazing. Yeah. But he has moments. He comes in and out of lucidity. And I assume that behind the scenes, there is a reason for Big Boy, Big Boyd. Big Boy. Big Boyd and Dolly the sheep to be there, right? But he doesn't know. He doesn't know what is.

Even if it's been explained to him 20 minutes ago, it's gone. He's still just in this loop of going to the studio all the time. He just doesn't understand anymore. It's like it's all lost sense, but he just is in the routine. And so he goes there, and Big Boy is there, and Dolly, and then they're playing a song, and he recognizes it, but it fills him with terror now. Yeah, it just feels like torture at this point. Well, as it would if you, you know,

because he's used to being at the top of his game, right? And if he feels he doesn't know the words, that fear of being exposed in that way, I imagine that would be terrifying. But also, if a song is playing in the recording studio, and there's somebody already singing on the song, like it's not the band playing it, they're just playing it through the thing, but they've got them in front of a mic, and then there's like Bobby Darin or something like that is singing.

Yeah. Somewhere beyond the sea. It's not done. He's like, where do I go in? Where do I jump in? Yeah. And then Big Bird pops his head in. What's that, Mr. Sinatra?

I'm not sure when to come in. There's already the vocals. He looks down and the sheep is chewing into the mic. Another sheep that looks exactly the same. Oh my god, that would be so unsettling. Two sheep that look so similar. I mean, it's such a great

premise for a joke, the idea that they cloned a sheep. I'm sure I've heard someone say that they all look the same anyway right yeah and that's i mean it's a great insurance policy to to clone something where you know even if it doesn't work out you'll just be able to grab another sheep and just be like yeah this one is yeah yeah look at it check it out look at at that. Uncanny. Yeah. Imagine another sheep that looks just like that one. Well, imagine no more. Do you think when they called them the uncanny X-Men.

Yes. Do you think it was because they looked exactly like the X-Men? Yeah. Uncannily like. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting, isn't it? It's uncanny.

It's uncanny that these two things are so similar. But like also uncanny you expect to apply to something that is bizarre. Oh. Right? The bizarre X-Men. Well. Oh, yeah. But then.

But then. Yes. If you've seen two of something. Yeah. It's almost not bizarre, right? So, an uncanny similarity, right? Well, you know, there's at least two of these things out there. They're not that unusual, obviously.

I mean, I would love to have had another person just like me back in high school. Sure. Instead of just a singular weirdo. What about you? What would it have been like to have another person who looked just like me at high school um yeah fine do you think probably do you think you would have held hands i mean what if they'd been more popular what if you start a conversation and then you're halfway through the conversation they're like oh no you're the boring one yeah sorry well i mean no that's the that's

one of the great fears is is that there's another person who is you and they're better at it than yes yes because that thing you know that we were talking about with the sash that like what's the you know there's someone's best in the room and everything and then you know the the cliche thing is to say you know what you're the best at being you yeah and then they then they get some updated data and they're like you know what we found a better one at being you. And then they get some updated data and they're like, you know what, we found a better one. We found someone who's better at you than you. But then I guess that just means that you're somebody else then, doesn't it?

And that they're just ganging up on you. Everybody's ganging up, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's just a very specific type of bullying. There's actually something talented about not being the best version of you it almost does take skill to be less good than yourself maybe but would this be a good kind of um like in the future imagine this right yeah so it's like so there's a version of you it's a version of you at There's a version of you at school. Yeah. And they look just like you.

But it's not you. It is just another version of you. Okay. But then your mom comes to pick you up at school. Oh, no. And then this guy goes over to your mom and starts making out with your mom. Oh, no. And then you're like, no.

And they're like, Andy! You go, it's not me! But then your mum says, I know. I know it's not you. I wouldn't be making out. He's much better than you. He's much better. That's why I want to make out with him.

You're like, mum! No, I'm not going to make out with you, Andy. I'm going to make out with this person, the clone of Andy, who is better at kissing. And it's also fine for this to happen. I think that's a sketch idea. Yeah? Yeah.

You get a clone and it's established very comprehensively that it's not you in any way, just exactly like you, and then it hooks up with your mum. in any way, just exactly like you, and then it hooks up with your mum. And then you're trying to defend yourself at school. Everybody, that wasn't me making out with my mum, and everybody's like, we know. Your mum would never make out with you.

I mean, what does it say about your mum, though? This is the thing. We're putting the mum in an uncompromising position that's true compromising in a compromising position uncompromising yeah she's not having to compromise at all because she's choosing exactly who she wants the clone what about this as a as a future dystopia storyline something or other right no in future, you can't kill people. Yeah. Right? You can't kill people.

Yeah. But what you can do is you get these special guns. So it's illegal or you can't do it? You can't do it. I don't know. I don't know why. But look, it is legal to get these special guns that clone people but make a slightly better version of them.

Oh, that's good. So you can threaten people with this weapon that will make a better version of them that will make their life hell. Like this better version will instantly sort of occupy all the spaces that they would have occupied with a greater level of success. they would have occupied with a greater level of success their um you know their beloved family will find themselves unable to avoid transferring their affections to this new version of andy i would i would write a whole movie about this and we'd start it out by going okay so the premise of this thing is like that and then and then you just start and then you'd have fun with it look at that

no guns but gun that makes better version of you. What do you think about, do you think my body swap horror, you know, dementia patient? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Earns its place on the pad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the hallowed pad. On the hallowed pad.

Hallowed pad. Hallowed. Hello, Pad. Hello. Hello. Body Swap Horror Old Man. Body Swap Horror Old Man. Eight-year-old boy. Body Swap Horror Old Man.

Body Swap Horror Old Man. Body swap horror old man. Body swap horror old man. Body swap horror old man. Body swap horror old man. Yeah. Body swap. Body swap. Party swap. Party swap.

Party swap. Party swap. Yeah. That's a great premise for something. Party swap. Party swap. Party swap. Party swap. Party swap. Yeah. That's a great premise for something. Party swap. Like, you know, they used to have the old house swap, wife swap. Party swap. Party swap.

You book, you know, it's a big birthday. Yeah. Right? 50th birthdays. Yeah. Right? And somebody plans, somebody else has got their 50th on the same day.

You plan a party for yourself and they plan a party for themselves. And then you swap parties. It's a TV show. Reality show. There's six people having parties. There's a four year old. There's a 60 year old boss of a company.

There's an 18 year old. Yes, there's a 60-year-old boss of a company. There's an 18-year-old. Yes, there's a 112-year-old. There's a 112-year-old. And all the people have to swap. Yes, they put their party poppers into a bowl. They all put their fingers in a bowl. Their fingers in a bowl, great. That's it.

Eh. It's a bowl of guacamole. The greatest party food. I think it unites the generations. The guacamole? It's not enough by itself. Not by itself, but I mean,

if you had a chip in there, you're already having the best time of your life. I know, but don't leave a chip in there. And this is basically the main problem. Guacamole kind of gets, it ages very quick. Oh, yeah. But I mean, you put a bit of lemon in there, you're going to be okay. Yeah, for a little bit.

It still ages very quick with lemon. Sure, but I mean, it doesn't stick around that long either. Everybody loves guacamole. Everybody's going to eat it so quickly. Yeah, yeah. It lives fast. I much prefer, either. Everybody loves guacamole. Everybody's going to eat it so quickly. It lives fast. I much prefer, I don't love guacamole as a. Fucking hell. No, I love guacamole, right?

Okay. I don't love it as a communal dip. I like it as a thing where you get to scoop a bunch onto your own plate. Okay, and you get to control the supply. You get to control the supply. You're not finding other people's chips in there that have been half broken off and then they've absorbed them.

Scraping the last little piece. So then you're having to eat somebody else's soggy chip corner. Yeah, yeah. No, you're right. You know, they say, get your chips off of her, you damn dirty chip. Yeah.

You know, there's one way you could say it. What I love about this conversation is it started off with me worried that you were going to be anti-guacamole. But in the end, if anything, you were more pro-guacamole than anyone because you wanted to have it all for yourself. Yeah. Well, I know, again, I'm happy to share the guacamole, but I just don't want anybody's – I don't want it to be the party swap guacamole where everybody puts their finger in the guac. Yeah. And then whoever's finger comes out the darkest shade of gray,

then they, you know, there's some, you know, they're then, anyway, everybody's finger is then rated by the darkest shade that it is. The darkest shade of gray. Of green, sorry. I mean, I assumed you were talking about the guacamole's been sitting there for a long time and it's kind of gone that i don't think it'll go gray i think it'll go brown yeah i think it'll be the dark but i mean whichever finger comes out the darkest um but it's going to be entirely covered in guacamole and that one then that's it starts with the the six-year-old party yeah then the lightest gets the hundred-year-old it's a really good

system i'm amazed we don't use it for more things see who starts a football match it's been flipping a coin for so long what about the guacamole dip oh it turns out that only the people whose skin has more melanin ends up... Consistently. Consistently going... Yeah. But you would have thought that it would just have something to do with the amount of time you keep your finger in the guac. Maybe. Maybe.

I mean, maybe if you put it in and then pulled it out a little bit so that some of it was more exposed to air. Yeah. And then, so this is strategy. There's going to be an art to it, I'm sure. Yeah. But then again, do you want to have the darkest finger in this? Do you want to have the… Oh, you know what they say about Eric?

He's always got the darkest finger in the guacamole pot. He's one of those guys. Always got the darkest finger in the guacamole pot got a darkest finger in the guacamole pot. Darkest finger in the guacamole pot. Guacamole. Yeah. Rock and roll. Whack-a-mole.

Whack-a-mole. Yes. Whack-a-mole. Whack-a-mole is a game where avocados pop up out of little holes. You try and smash them with a mallet to make guacamole. With a mole? With a mole? I don't know if the mole is necessary.

I think we've got our mole because it's from the guacamole. I know, but what about the- Whack-a-mole-y. Yeah, okay. But could it just be balls of guacamole that comes out? You try and dip into them with a chip. That's a really good idea. You're desperately trying to dip them.

What you were thinking of was whack-a-vato. Whack-a-vacado, yeah. Whack-a-vacado. Wow. Stop it, Al. We were having a really good time. That idea of a board where little bowls of guacamole pop up out of the holes and you try and dip your chip into them before they disappear, that is a brilliant game.

Yeah. Oh. Scoop-a-mole. I'm really excited about that. Bowls of guac come up in your scoop. Guacadile. Look, Alistair, I reckon that's enough sketch ideas for what I'm thinking of act one of the podcast. Act two is, of course, where we get um i don't know

if you know this but we have listeners and we get three words from a listener if they support us on patreon give us three dollars a month they can send us words but okay then um we will take them and turn them into something but then third act of the show third act is obviously where we go through the sketch ideas that we've come up with and sometimes we add a little bit of spice and flavor sure sure sure like you would do with a guacamole sometimes a little bit of smoky paprika do you put smoky paprika in there really uh probably more cumin really you both of them i find very interesting yeah thanks i like i like a i like a pure guac personally indiana loves to put a shit in there as well like she loves to do that thing that you do yeah a little bit of sweet chili sauce oh that's the

worst i know i don't like i'm never gonna let you have any of my guacamole ever again you don't deserve it andy how long has it been do you think since i've had some of your guacamole yeah i'm not as long as it's gonna be before you have it again no it's i'm gonna get you i'm gonna get your guac no you're not gonna do your whack-a-mole my guacamole well i mean but but again i guess i'm i guess i'm suggesting that if it's got sweet chili sauce in it you don't want it i don't want it yeah which is great for me i don't think guacamole should be sweet anyway i don't think we can move on until you give me some guacamole it doesn't have any sweet chili sauce um all right we got three words from a listener now do you want to try and guess

which listener yeah oh that's a fun that's a fun part is it and i don't know if we've said their name before oh well that's gonna really uh kick it into gear isn't it but i want you to know they're both both names are common names that you might hear in the world okay but you got to think about the world there's lots of different cultures yeah so the first but i want you to think that you don't have to go very cultural oh okay great uh a nice non-cultural name. David. Oh, close. Jake. Jake.

Last name. Peristalsis? Don't even gamble with it. Just go your... Smith. Jake Smith. Really? Yeah. That's exciting.

All right. Now do you want to try and guess what the three words are? Thank you, Jake. By the way, thank you, Jake. Okay. The first word is vertical. No, Andy. No.

No. No. No. No. Not even close. Imagine if you did hit me every time I got it wrong. And then over time, I was actually getting better Look, you can't argue with results

I don't want to do this either, but it's the only way It's working, Andy, I don't know We're tapping into somehow You're tapping into the muse or whatever it is First word is geese Geese, okay The second word is geeses. Geese. Okay. The second word is geeses. No.

No, indeed. No. The second word is sea. Geese. Sea. S-E-E. Eggs. Is the last word eggs?

The last word is not eggs. The last word is god.. The last word is God. Geese see God. Geese see God. Well, you know what it makes me think of immediately? Geese obviously fly long distances, quite high in the air, sometimes up in the level of aeroplanes, commercial planes. I don't know, maybe.

Commercial geese? Commercial geese, sure. Commercial goose liner. But imagine you're up there in a plane. Yeah. And you crash into God. Oh, sure. Commercial goose liner. But imagine you're up there in a plane and you crash into God. There he is hovering. Maybe God is like the Skylab space station where he's actually in a declining orbit. declining orbit, right? He's in one of those. He's up there in the heavens, but we discover that he's in one of those orbits where he's now starting to dip down into the upper atmosphere. He's starting to burn up.

He's starting to burn up in the atmosphere. We see him up there, his little trails of his beard catching on fire. We're like, oh, Jesus Christ. And it's like that movie. What's that movie? Well, I guess Don't Look Up, a little bit like that, but that other one. God Must Be Crazy. It's like God movie. What's that movie? Well, I guess Don't Look Up, a little bit like that. But that other one as well. God Must Be Crazy.

It's like God Must Be Crazy. It falls down. But it's God falling down from the sky. It falls on a little African kid's head. And then they find that God is really useful for lots of things. They use him for like pulling a plow in a field. I mean, it could just happen. Everybody wants God all of a sudden.

Can I have God this weekend? Yeah. God I have God this weekend? Yeah. Imagine that. God comes down, right? And everybody wants their turn to have God come around to their parties and stuff like that. That would be nice. Yeah. And then, I mean, it could be any culture.

Do people look back on that movie fondly? Gods Must Be Crazy? I think if they, yes, but not if they look into it with too much detail it's probably extremely racist do you think i don't know i don't know either i don't know i don't know i haven't looked into it all right i remember i look back on it fondly yeah and i'm worried about that what says about me yeah but i love when that kid you was holding a branch i resent to make him look bigger look bigger hyenas but then imagine he's doing that with god like he's holding god up on the side i know you didn't do it with the coke yeah yeah

but like laying like god make him look wider yeah great holding god on his head now i mean god comes down right he crashes back to earth he's in that declining orbit we grab him we put some sort of little collar around his neck so we zap him if he doesn't do what we want that's good and we slowly retrain god to be a genie to be a genie basically we use him for whatever we want we use him to generate electricity and stuff and you know make him cure diseases and stuff that he didn't want to cure yeah keep him in a cage keep him in a cage yeah you know that it's like it's a little bit like that that you know that song what if god One Of Us. But imagine if it was like, what if God was a sex doll? Oh, do you think people would do that stuff with God? Well, imagine if God was like a blow-up sex doll.

You don't know. You don't know what he is. You can't prove that he isn't. I believe in God. I believe in the Christian God. I believe in his oneness and his truth. But then I also believe that he's a blow-up sex doll. Well, there's also that thing, you know, like when God put the soul into Adam, didn't he blow into him the breath?

A little breath into his mouth or whatever? Yeah, sure. Does it sound like that? Does it sound like something you would do? Was it into his mouth or was it into a little nozzle? A little nozzle down on his thigh. Well, we don't know what the design was. Did he have to squeeze it?

Yeah. Bite it with his teeth and then... We don't know. We don't know. And if Adam was built in God's image, sounds like God might have a little nozzle as well. Maybe that was what the belly button is for. Oh, for blowing up.

Blowing up. I've never had anybody give me a little blow on my belly button. Really? Blow into my belly button? I mean, I've had like raspberries. Yeah. But not directly. Not like put a seal around the thing.

Yeah. You're right. I mean, that's a bit fucked up. It was not. I mean, it's both fucked up and you were shocked that no one had done it. Yeah, well, I guess I really

hadn't thought about it. I guess my initial response was incredulity. Of a Coke bottle. Yep. There you go. I wish I could remember what that orbit is.

What's the name of that orbit declining? Not declining orbit. But that orbit is. What's the name of that orbit? Declining? Not declining orbit. Catastrophic. It's degrading? Are you picturing people hitting God up against the thing to mash up some grass or something like that? Yeah, I am. Maybe one of them takes God out and uses him as a surfboard.

Yeah. That would be pretty cool and then like yeah one is like taking god home you know i was taking like a a girl home that they just met from like yeah and then you know and then they make god perform a little plays or something or use god as a bed there's a bed oh wow making love on god on god's voluptuous butt. Like God is facing down. Okay. Or.

Yeah. Go on. No, I don't think so. Okay. It was just God's dick is involved. Sure, sure. You know, like I came up with a, reminds me of a sketch idea that I came up with on the way in today,

but I don't know what it is. I don't know the details. I almost never come up with sketch idea that I came up with on the way in today, but I don't know what it is. I don't know the details. I almost never come up with sketch ideas while I'm not in the podcast. In the pothole. In the pothole, you will sail the seven seas. All right. I'm just like drawing now on the inside, on the fog inside the room. I reckon that's a good sign that we should start wrapping up the podcast. This is episode 330, by the way.

So, the episodes, the sketch ideas for today are, by the way, Comedy Festival's going pretty good, but we are tired. We are tired, but, you know, it's a real treat that we get to do this. We're one of the few acts that hasn't caught COVID yet.

I say, as we spend a bunch of time in the tiniest room possible together. Okay, the sketches for today are Show, Don't Tell, Buckle Up. It's a good strong opener. It's a proper writer who wants to start telling people to buckle up. But also in conversations.

He's not even writing anything. He's just talking. I know. And then we got Organ Scorcher. It's a heart writing anything. He's just having, he's just talking. I know. And then we got organ scorcher. It's a heartwarming story. Oh, okay. Yeah, great. Heartwarming tale.

Sorry. Then we got bonar. Bonar. Very proud of that idea. Very proud. I got to say before, I think you burped in here and I was like, I better open the door to kind of like get some fresh air. And then we're parked next to about 17 bins.

And then I was like starting to just get bin air coming in. So then I shut the door. So anyway, then after Bonar, there was Sinatra's is terrified by the classics. And that's a real kind of like nightmare scenario for Sinatra. And then we got a clone starts making out with your mom. That's your clone. It's really complicated. Yeah. The Oedipus complex has never been more complicated.

Yeah. Oedipus, very complex. Yeah. Then we got no guns, but a gun that makes a better version of you. Oedipus very complex. Then we got no guns but a gun that makes a better version of you. Andy, there's a whole movie in there. What a threat. We don't have to get new actors for that.

We can just get that thing where there'll be half on this side. We shave there, give them a shave and then we're like, yeah, there you are. No, we're not shaving. Does anyone do something with Oedipus? Yeah. Now it sounds a bit like Oedipus.

Oedipus. I haven't seen that yet. Is that what he's doing to his mum? No, I don't know. Oedipus. Oedipus complex. Oh, I've got an Oedipus complex. Oh, that sounds like somebody's...

Going down on my mum. I've got an Oedipus complex. Yeah, somebody, you know, like down on my mom. I've got an Oedipus complex. Yeah. I guess you could say Oedipus. Yeah. I guess you could say I've got an Oedipus complex. I don't, I don't, I don't love my mom. I don't want to kiss her or anything like that.

I just want to, I just want to go and die. Growl. Growl. That was not one episode that our families listened to. This is a real ceramics class episode, I reckon. Oedipus complex. I'm just going to write down Oedipus. Sure.

Sorry, everybody. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. Sorry. Sorry, anyone out there with a mum about everything from today. Um. Then we got, no, oh wait, then we got Body Swap Horror. Old man is a eight-year-old boy. Or is he? Oh, good question.

Or is he? Then we got Whack-a-moly? Then we got whack-a-moly. Whoa. Walk-a-moly. Whoa. I really like it. Walk-a-moly. It's where bowls of guac come up and you have to scoop real quick.

There's like six different bowls and you're like, oh, that would just be a nightmare. I guess you'd be breaking so many chips. A nightmare for soggy chip tips yeah i mean you know you're there in the arcade all these people have been using you don't know how often they change the guacamole i know it would have to be like those chocolate fountains that like yeah it's just set up for like you know short events sure you know you might do it at like uh you know a briefcase salesman. Briefcase salesman.

Yearly conference. Yeah, great. I'm a briefcase salesman. Briefcase salesman shows up at the door. He's got a briefcase. He opens it. Inside, slightly smaller briefcase. I thought that maybe he would just go,

do you want to buy this? A briefcase salesman. Briefcase salesman. I quite like him opening up and having another briefcase in there. I know. I know you I know. You love that. An even briefer case.

A brevity case. I guess they call it briefcase because it's a bit more. Oh, no. A piece of paper fell out. Then we got Gods Must Be Crazy But God Instead of a Coke Bottle. Yeah, really good. And then we got Oedipus Complex. Wow. Yeah. It's a lot to be proud of today. Yeah. And then we got Oedipus Complex. Wow.

It's a lot to be proud of today. A lot to be proud of. A lot to be proud of. A lot to be proud of. A lot to be proud of today. A lot to be proud of. A lot to be proud of. A lot to be proud of today.

Stand up tall. You did good. Stand behind what you say. There's a lot to be proud of. A lot to be proud of. A lot to be proud of today. Oh, great. Thanks so much for listening to The Think Tank.

I'm going to put a link down below for Gustav and Henry, my book, which if you're in Australia, you can buy now. If you're in the States, you can pre-order the hardback copy. Really hardback? Hardback and front. Really? Yeah. They do the full package.

Oh, yeah. They really did a number. They really did a number on you. On what on each page? And some books don't have numbers on some of the pages that's really annoying yeah you think so you like to work those ones out do i oh surprise i will put a full picture on this page i'll just have to use a a um one of those uh yeah book separators in order then rather than just remembering the page number i was on all for the next two days

until I get a chance to read this book again. Anyway, yeah, there's a link down below for both of our shows, our show that is both our show and then also the show that is just your show with Matt. And then also there's a link down below for you. Oh, there you go. And join in the Patreon.

And then also the Discord. And also the Discord. And the Discord. Turning into a very link-heavy podcast. Yeah, we're just, it's all links now. I guess this is Internet 3.0. There you go. Well, we made it, everybody. And we love you. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything.

So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.