Two In The Think Tank - 423 - "UNIVERSAL BACK"

Episode Date: April 28, 2024

Front Back Bone, Your Back? Empathetic Patient, Universal Directions, Fix Earth's Axis, Copafeel Illusion, Noose You Can Use, Vulvator, Gondwana Breakfast, Aeroplane Style Dining, I'm Cumbing, Communion Commuter, Prime Minister Piss PowerThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Check out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEdited by Andy with all the due apologies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

From the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, a new hero arrives. I am ready. Is there anyone stronger? No. Tougher? No. Funnier? I do not make jokes, I make warriors.

Knuckles now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes! Hi Andy, yes Alistair. Well, I'm going to be doing Montreal Sketch Fest on May 2. How many days away is that? Not very many. So come on down, May 2, to the Theatre Saint Catherine in Montreal, Canada. And I will perform, amongst others, some sketch.

Oh, that was great. Very efficient, Al. Thank you, Andy. sketch. Oh that was great, very efficient Al, thank you Andy. Also you're on the latest Do Go On quiz show. Alright here we go. Yeah great. Hello and welcome to 2 in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with 5 sketch ideas. 5 sketch ideas. I'm out. I am Andy. You gotta go back to saying I'm Andy. I'm Andy.

And I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Burchill. Did you notice that convention had fallen away? You just stopped saying I'm Andy. I said it. I sang it in a weird way but I did pause unhelpfully and you're right that I have mostly stopped doing it and that's one of our best jokes Alistair that's one of our best bits that's rock solid that is the rock on which we build our church. A lot of people just download the episode

to listen to that and then they delete the episode. And I'm Alistair George William Tromble etc. Yeah I just last night I walked past a wing of a university that was called George Williams campus or something. Really? Oh. They just took the guts out of you didn't they? They just kicked the guts out of me and pluralised it. Took my guts out and they cloned it. Pluralised. And then they made me feel not very unique, let me tell you. Let's stop calling ourselves hungry people or over eaters.

Let's start calling ourselves gutsluts. Do you think we could turn that into something? Gutsluts? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it feels like it's you know I think firstly you know there's been a great movement there's been a great movement of women sort of owning that word and sort of taking it back and making it not such a bad word, even though it's still been used. But I think that it's about time that the rest of us own it.

We took it back again. Yeah, well, I mean, we took it back for everybody and we redirected it towards people who eat. Exactly. So maybe that's okay. Yeah, so is this about eating or is this about people who have a lot of things on their gut or in their gut, but like not necessarily like eating. It could just be like poking your finger into the little little chop you got on your front there. It feels like the word will get used less if it's for that.

Yeah. What do you think about this though shin at the front rounded off calf at the back but what about this spine at the back rounded off gut at the front doesn't it seem like the gut should be in the back or my only problem that is where does the back go? Well, I guess you'd have the spine at the front. Right. And is the gut still the but the but the spine is now in front. So that's not your back. Is it still your backbone or is it now your front bone? Well, yeah, I mean, it depends if. If the change in our physiology happens now,

if it's like we corrected, you know, using CRISPR or whatever, I think, I think we still call it, I think we still call it backbone, even though it's now front. Yes. But. Yes. And I think we probably still call our back our back because I think the name back now refers to the body part More than it does the location of it Once when they were before they'd come up with a name for the the back, right? The doctors would probably say where does it hurt and the patient would just say all sort of back there

You know and they'd look and they'd be like, oh yeah, back here. And they just talked about it as they just called it back there and back here. It's like, sort of like if you break sort of like your elbow and the doctor says, where does it hurt you? Sort of say, oh, roughly humorous here. Yeah, exactly. That's how all they get, they all get named. Alastair, could you have a sketch with a stupid doctor? Yeah. Who, who tries to argue that it's not your back if it's facing towards, if the doctor's standing behind you. Yeah, so, but I mean like, yeah.

We love ones that go into whether or not things are the back or the front or the front or the back. Yeah, so like yeah, he's so it's so let's say you're facing, let's say for some reason you've got your back to him. Yes. So he goes where does it hurt and you turn around and then you point here on my back. He goes that's not your back That's It's it's facing me. That's your front. That's your front. Yeah, how do you feel about that? You think that's got legs? Yeah, I do actually I feel like

You have to change that's you know, because that's it. That's a convention that I don't I've not seen That's you know because that's it. That's a convention that I don't I've not seen in language yet Where you have to change what you're what you're saying based on your orientation towards the listener towards the listener Yes, it's a very I think it's a very empathetic Yes, you know like if you go to an aerobics class, and it's one of those Aerobics people who is capable of that they're the instructor, right, and they're mirroring what the people, they're facing the people and then they say, you know, to the left, really, they are stepping to their right, but they're capable of putting themselves in the mindset of the viewer and flipping that around so that the people conduct

that, what do they call it, the students in the aerobics class, the participants, they don't get confused. But for the instructor that's such an abdication of the self to surrender your subjective viewpoint of what is left and right and give that over to those viewers facing you. That's right. Similarly for a really good patient going to the doctor, a really good patient who's such an empath. They go to the doctor and they point to their spine. An impatient.

And they turn, they face their spine towards the doctor and they say, they point to their spine and they turn, they face their spine towards the doctor and they say, they point to their spine and they say it hurts here on my front. Wouldn't that be such a treat for the doctor? Yes on my front here to your left, to your, oh yes, to your north, to your northeast. Oh, very good. He looks down at his compass. And then he looks around, he looks down at his compass and he looks around his little inspection studio or whatever they're called there.

And he turns and then he looks up and there you all are pointing to your back facing him Should we have you know, I'm sick of this business of left and right being dependent on which direction people are facing That's crazy that there's not like a universal left and right like there north and east, and there should be universal back and front, right? That we should just decide which direction is the front of things. If they're facing towards the east, where the sun rises, yeah, right?

That's the front, whatever side is facing towards the east, that's the front of things now, right? And for a human being, whatever side of the head is facing towards the East that's the front of things now right and for a human being whatever side of the head is facing towards the East that is the face that is their face I know but I think we're gonna have to do that I think we're gonna have to do the space we have to do it with space and so I think it will change depending on the rotation of the earth okay Okay, alright. Direction towards the universe, the great attractor at the center of the Milky Way, that's Ford's. Look, I think the fact that we have a beautiful sort of up and down based off of our, you know,

where the Earth is compared to the Sun. Yes. You know? And the only thing that's going to complicate it a little bit is that 23 degree tilt that we have on the Earth. It's going to make it... Which I hate. I hope we can fix that one day. I hope that one day we invent the technology to be able to correct that tilt. That will be such an achievement for us as a species. Because it's one of those things, it's just you know just that little OCD kind

of thing, you know it's a bit off, it's like a painting that's hanging wrong on the wall when we can finally... I know we've got a lot of other things but somewhere as a species we're gonna get down to sorting that out on the list of things. So that there won't be those weird seasons in the north and south and everyone will be all the same. You know what I think? I think that it's probably going to be hard to change the tilt, but it might be easier to just move the sun. move the Sun. I'm open to it. I mean I am outcomes based engineer. I don't care. You know I'm solution agnostic. I think have the Sun constantly moving maybe to make this more possible. Ducking and weaving.

You know, I think like, you know, maybe if you use some kind of, you know, cosmic hand that just goes ooo, aah, ooo, aah, like that. Oh, moves the sun just quickly. Just yeah. You might need a cosmic tongue to lick the cosmic hands cosmic fingers after it's touched the sun each time it touches the sun. The mouth as we know Andy is the part of the body that has the best cooling system. Of course. So it's a big mouth comes down and goes...

And just moves the sun down a little bit. I think it would be like pinching a candle. If you lick your fingers first, you're fine. I imagine if it's a cosmic tongue, licking a cosmic finger, you'd be able to just quickly grab the sun and just quickly move it. I think that would be such a cool trick, you know, when you turn on a laser, a lighter, and you show a kid and you go, what's this? And you pass your hand through the flame.

You know, I think to be able to do that, like if, let's say you are a, like a, say a- God. Like, well, maybe a a god but I was thinking of somebody who's very close to a god. I was thinking like a David Copperfield or something like that. Let's say you've just... The closest we have to a god. Yeah Is he still married to Claudia Schiffer is Claudia Schiffer still alive? I mean, I feel like that would have made the news if she had died She's still alive Claudia Schiffer still alive. Of course. She's still alive. She's probably more alive now than she's ever been

She's thriving Andy what about this? Claudio Schiffer Okay, wow Claudio Schiffer, I'm imagining Okay, so he's the most beautiful man for a while he's just he's the one of the most beautiful men in the world and he's married to a female magician. A famous female magician, one of those famous female magicians.

Oh yes, I'll just picture one of those. And she's called, let's see, what's the female version of the name? Oh you wouldn't want to have a woman with a last name Copperfield. That's not his name, that's not his name. Eh? It's Copperfield. I know. But Yeah, but it wouldn't even if it's like even if it's your Field Sorry that would be copper felt copper His name is poorly conjugated But I mean you don't you know, she really puts the copper feel in the copper field I mean that's that would have been great if David Copperfield had been involved in some kind of scandal.

God, God, the, God, how awful it feels. But you'd never catch him, would you? You'd never catch him because the eye is, the hand is quicker than the eye. That's true. I mean, he's so good at close up magic. Imagine this, it's one of his tricks and it's just a whole crowd of people watching standing as he's made, maybe he's just made the, you know, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the statue of liberty disappear. Exactly.

And then suddenly everybody in the room feels a genital get squeezed. Wow. And I consider the breast and a genital and the testicles a genital. You know, I remember being... They're a separate genital? Like is the testicle a separate genital to the penis? I think it's a separate genital. I don't think it's actually, I don't consider it to be a

part of the penis or anything like that. I think it's its own thing and it's doing its own thing. It's got its own HR department. And so wait, in the Nuit picture, David getting away with it? It doesn't even make it onto his DVD. You know, it's a trick. Everyone would just be left feeling terrible, but there'd be nothing they could do about it. There'd be no way to prove it. I wonder if somebody copying a feel, but you don't know what it is, a feel but you've but you don't know what it is whether or not that might be like taking mushrooms or something like that where afterwards people go it was

one of my top 10 most spiritual experiences because if there was nobody around and you felt a squeezing of it you might think it might make you think in you know and believe in spirits or something like that yes well and you know it's not a victimless crime but maybe it is a criminal less crime when the magic is strong when the when the illusion is strong enough I think it's a criminal less crime and and you you don't feel like you but you don't feel like you've been crimed because you've not seen a criminal.

I wonder if crime can exist independent of the criminal. You know I think you can still probably feel like you have suffered an injustice, even if the criminal, you can't detect the presence of the criminal in any way. Well yeah because like it's like let's say Andy, you were sitting by yourself in the house, in your house, right? And none of your family was present and then you- I felt the hand grab hold my ball. Like you just felt a squeezing of your testicles.

I'm imagining it now and it is terrifying. Sure. But it's you know that nothing like you know that there's nobody around. And so I don't know if you would feel violated. I think it's a crime that requires a violator. I feel so scared and unhappy thinking, well. What if it's a cupping of your butt? I don't know about unhappy, but I feel really, I feel terrified, imagine it.

And I think we should write a horror movie about a ghost that just grabs guys by the balls. Copperfield. Copterfield. Are there... all ghost movies seem to revolve around people being murdered. But what if it was just people's balls getting squeezed that is still a thing that could be taken on by a ghost it could still be the act that's true I mean it could be taken on by a man in a scary mask you sure like a like a Jason or a Mike Myers Michael Is this an okay topic for us to talk about Alistair?

We're quite deep in now. You know what? I mean I think I think let's see now I know that I'm gonna look back at this one day and so I have to make a good decision. I'm gonna say this is the perfect topic. How did I handle this? I hope I'm coming down the right call on this one. I'm just thinking through all the possibilities. Yes, this is exactly what we should be saying. I think... This needed to be said. Yes, I don't know if we should ever come up with other ideas, but variations on this one Wow Yes, well we should be like those you know like people like Graham Lennon who like just go completely Insane and now the only thing they do is a

Awful turf shit. We're gonna be like that but for this Go scrapping your balls idea we're going all in on it. We can't seem to think about anything else. It's our entire media presence. We're going down with this ship. Ironically it's also the hill we're gonna die on. What kind of a ship is this? You're wondering. We're going down with this land ship. We're going down with this hill Andy. It's a climate change metaphor. Oh, that's very good. It's a hill. We don't do those anymore though, sorry. We only talk about ball bags. Ghostly hands. But it really is just the opposite of a ball cupping thing because the water is the hand

and the hill is the testicles. And we, you and me Andy, we're a couple of stray hairs. The hill is the testicles, the water is the hand, the hill is the testicles the water is the hill is the testicles Oh Lordy Lord Alastair have you ever thought about Mm-hmm in the answer is and this is a or another horrible topic and I'm sorry to transition horrible when people when people kill themselves with a noose It's always like the in movies, it's always the proper noose. It's always that like very complicated.

Not. It does seem complicated. It's amazing. I mean, I just don't think I would pull it off, but you might watch a YouTube video and learn about it, I think. But I think a lot of the moves that you see this depicted in it's from a bygone era I just don't think there's that much

opportunity by definition you don't practice you don't do this a lot of times right like you're you know. Is it a knob that's been used for other things that is I don't think it has any other sort of functional, I think it was invented specifically for that kind of thing and then here are people doing it, getting it right. And this is the thing you don't think about with knots, right? They use up a lot of rope. You shorten your rope so much in the process of tying a knot. It's just that, you know, that length all gets sort of coiled up in there and then suddenly you don't have enough rope

because you've tied this or that knot. And that knot uses so much rope. I think very often people probably going out thinking they've, you know, they've got everything planned, they've bought enough rope, and then they get back to wherever they're gonna do this deed then they don't have they don't have enough rope on their hands and then do you think they hand it to the tallest guy in the group you're just gonna have to hold it up maybe because they're like well we don't have enough to go over a branch or

something like that mmm you're just gonna have to dangle. Do the old dingle dangle. Yeah. How do you feel about this topic? Are you happier that now that we're here? You know what, let me have a look. Oh, just putting myself forward and imagining myself looking back from forwards in tow. It does really make you realise that we've lost the art of not making. Hmm. Yeah. Completely. Yeah, so I mean, I'm going to write it down. Oh wow!

Does that make you feel good? Thank you Alastair. Yeah, I'm really glad that I brought it with me. Does that make you feel good? Thank you Alastair. Yeah, I'm really glad that I brought it with me and then I carried to the burden of the entire discussion. As is right Alastair, I wouldn't want you to shoulder that responsibility, that awful, terrible responsibility. What were the things we were talking about before we started recording? That was fun. That was fun. I mean, we were talking about a... There was one before the fire delivery thing.

Yes, there was something before that. But you could easily picture a guy, you know, like, let's say, a guy, a couple of people who have a fire, let's say we're talking olden days where maybe before we even had proper buildings or even maybe once we did have buildings that you might hear, you know, through some kind of people on hills style communication where people yelled to the next guy and the next guy yells to the next guy. Bang drums maybe. Maybe a bang drum and that they would go, oh this guy wants some fire and so then you

would be a guy whose actual job would be to then light a few, like a branch on fire and deliver it long distance. Do you think maybe you'd use a hot a branch on fire and deliver it Mmm long distance do you think maybe you'd use a hot coal? How do you think you would travel if the fire is still not still hot when it arrives then? No, it's free. Yeah, no charge. It's cold when it gets there You don't have to pay for that fire. This is our prehistoric fire delivery This is our prehistoric fire delivery. This is our prehistoric guarantee. I kind of want the fire to be delivered in a box. I realise that your one of having it

as a flaming stick makes a lot of contextual sense. There's something about opening up a box and saying, the fires here and I For me from a pure Has a little has a little You know PDA for you to sign Public display of affection He's got a palm pilot for you to sign that's the only place where you still see palm pilots, isn't it? got a palm pilot for you to sign that's the only place where you still see palm pilots isn't it? Is that what they are? Would you call those a palm pilot? I mean I've never put it into words. We have such a young

listenership I think a lot of our listeners probably don't even know what a palm pilot is. Yeah. They probably think that that's a band or something. Yeah so Yes, or it's somebody who... Yes, yes, who flaws a plane. Um... Yes. Across your palm. A palm pilot. Now let's see, could that be a euphemism for masturbation? That does sound like it.

I'm just going to... Because they really do grab that, a joystick, don't they? And they move it around. The pilots or... Pilots and masturbators. And masturbators, yeah. But not all masturbators, Andy. Many masturbators have a vulva. Many of the world's masturbators today.

The world's best masturbators, in my opinion. Yes, well, there's the most of them. Most of them are in my estimation. Is there anyone stronger? No. Ha! Tougher? No. Funnier? I do not make jokes, I make warriors. Knuckles, now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes! Volvatorz. Yes. Um, so yeah, anyway, fire being delivered, for me, for the purity of the idea This is what I would like

I would like it to be not actually a burning object at all in the box I would like it to just be some loose flames Untethered from the fuel just a just a box full of flame Yeah, I mean I hear what you're thinking you're thinking well what it does flame exist independent of fuel Well, that will be our challenge, is to somehow split the flame so that it can live free from the requirement, from the burden, from the dead weight that is fuel. Yeah, sure. I mean, I'm okay with that. I guess it feels like it's more a who's like who's the guy who stole fire from the gods? It feels like it's more

like a what? A him. Prometheus. You know like him or a Maui kind of situation. Did he also steal fire from the gods? Is that his thing? Maui? Maui might have done that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah that sounds about right based on my viewing of the text, Moana. Yeah. I think that sounds about right. Now when I said the word Volvator before, I mean, picture this image. I don't have much here, but it is a woman in a bullpen, in a one of those kind of like kind of like one of those bullfighting rings Right, and she is fully clothed, but she is running

Volvo forward Okay. Yes fully clothed but in a very funny position. I think it's probably one of the funniest positions to run Okay And to run. Okay? And there's a guy or a woman whose job it is to dodge her as she gets very close and does a little spin and then and you could picture a culture where they would do this about like you know ah this is the woman who wasn't you know who who wasn't married and didn't have children by like 28 or something like that and the society and that's the origin that's the origin

yeah yeah yeah yeah they're highly trained athletes yeah well both are because this takes the bull out of it and allows and allows it both to be, I mean, you know, you could easily see also see the gender swapped here. Um, um, peenie a tour and evolve a tour and, uh, and you could see people, you know, same thing. It's like, for some reason, it's, it's almost a, you know, it's almost a fertility ritual of this person really wants to have a baby and then this person is like not the other person's not entirely sure that they're ready and and this is what i love about this is it's actually quite a sensitive and nuanced commentary on on this on the idea of women being baby crazy and just wanting babies. I think it's actually

quite subtle the way that we're portraying that whole, that whole idiom. I know. But we're, you know, we're both saying that we, even though we've managed to make it so subtle, we both agree that we know that it's not right for a society to think like this. That's why I'm making it. Which is why we're making it in Spain. That's why I'm making it in a European country. An unnamed European, it's definitely European. That's interesting, isn't it?

Like, it would be wrong of us to say which specific European country it's in. But you can sort of just say it's in Europe. And then the hate, and it is hate behind this idea, it falls over such a broad area that it can't be considered a proper attack you know to to ascribe it to a specific you can't be can't be racist against a continent and I've always said that you're constantly saying it although the word, you know, there's definitely some words like Asian, which feels like it does cover a whole continent and you could imagine somebody almost having that kind of racism. Now that I think about it at all yeah I

can't imagine that and I see that in many ways my comment was probably incorrect. Well Andy I feel like this is the incorrect episode. I think it might be, it's fast becoming. Alright what about this Alistair? Continental breakfast, but which continent? I feel like we've only really experienced the continental breakfast of Europe. What we think of as being a continental breakfast is a merely a European breakfast and we once we get off the continental breakfast shelf and head on to another continental breakfast tectonic plate I want to see what are the what would the other breakfasts be of all the continents including Antarctica? This you know this one feels like you know like this idea of which continent that feels like it's almost

like a like who was the first guy to ever drink milk from a cow what do you think he was doing that kind of thing like it is a question that enters a lot of our heads isn't it is it really I feel like it must be look and he could just be that it's just you and me and from all of our meetings you know and then I just think that it's lots of different people I just put different faces the different masks of Andy Matthews and and but want, cause I, and I think here we have actually done intercontinental, uh, breakfast here, like a, maybe we've done a breakfast that we've probably put on a missile and sent, um, but Andy, I am not against creating a kind of, maybe discovering a kind of pangea of

continental breakfasts and bringing them all back together. Yes, they were all part of, once part of the same buffet, a super buffet of frying pangia. What's the other one? Gondwanaland. Oh wait, Bainmarine Noirland. Yeah that's good. Waffle station land. Great you took the land bit from Gondwana land, probably of all the bits of the word Gondwana, the one that was most likely to have a successful solo career. If you were to look at the syllables of the word Gondwana and to guess which, you know, and to sort of ascribe them as almost NSYNC style identities, I would say that the land syllable of the word Gondwana was very much the Justin Timberlake of that syllable band,

the sort of all the, like the cereal and the toast and that kind of thing and the and the little jam Spreads and there with the with the little lid flap I'm no longer talking at all about breakfast. So I'm only talking about the word gondwanaland. Okay, and And which was so which one? If you if you haven't got if you haven't followed me this far There's absolutely no chance of me getting you back on board with that particular whatever the fuck that was. I thought Gondwanaland was essentially the same thing as Pangaea. Yeah, yeah it is.

And so you consider Gondwanaland the Justin Timberlake of all the lands? No, no, no, no, no. You weren't listening. You all the lands I was writing down actual words I said oh Andy I'm so sorry it was quite an abstract riff Alastair if that's what you took away from what I was saying once again it only serves as more evidence that there's no hope for us here when I listen and not gonna get when I listen back to this in many years when and judge where I was morally on a lot of these issues and then I get the extra level of hearing myself not hear you and throw up some ideas that are just embarrassing. Suggestions, attempts at understanding and

you just being so bothered by it that you just can't even try to explain it to me. I will understand that this is the seed of the rift that tore us apart on episode 499. That's not at all. And by, I'm just saying, I don't want you to have to go on that journey with me. I'm giving you a gift. I'm setting you free, Alistair. The great thing about the journey, any journey on Gondwanaland is that you never have to,

you don't have to bring a passport. That was so beautiful. You know, you don't have to travel over passport. That was so beautiful. You know, you don't have to travel over a single sea and there only is one sea. We're all citizens of Gondwanaland. Exactly. That would have been crazy when there was just one big continent. Yeah, it would have been like... And then the rest was just ocean.

Yeah, that's crazy that that would even exist. Why did all the land start in the same place? Yeah, that is weird. That doesn't sound right to me. Yeah. Maybe that wasn't the case. Maybe it was just a weird time when it all just came together for a second.

That sounds like it makes more sense. Yeah, but then- Then it's more like a travelling Wilburys kind of a situation than it is an in sync kind of thing. I wanna go to the previous continents before they came together and see what they were. I guess they probably have that map. They just never show us,

they haven't shown me anyway Before before Gondwanaland before Pangea Yeah, well maybe after we've fixed the earth's tilt we can try and restore the earth's factory settings Get it back get it back to You know pre Gondwana do you think that if you continental if we could fix the tilt Do you think we could just stop the tectonic plates from moving just cool? You know just just say cool it cool it mate like that lock it in well

Just lock it in I think we're ready to lock it in I mean, I'd move maybe a story Australia tiny bit closer to everything else but you know I think that there's a lot of like there's a lot of like stuff in the Pacific that we could sort of dance up a little bit. Yeah. You know. Yeah. No I do agree. Yeah. But I think once if you were to try and lock everything in it's's like when you've got your furniture in your house and you're like, look, let's just put a pendant light over the dining table, right? And then, and that's fine for a while,

but then eventually you're like, what the fuck is the dining table doing there? Now we can't move it because we've got a pendant light. You can't just have a pendant light in the middle of nowhere. Pendant, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah home ownership is this something that you've done things yeah do you ever think about getting like just just pulling out the pendant light and then just putting a little desk lamp on the table nobody does that for the dining table do you know that's a good idea. A little dining lamp.

Everybody has their own little... Maybe it clips onto the side of the plate. Like at the plane, you know? You get on the plane, you get to decide whether or not you have your light on. So some people can, if they want, eat in the dark. You know? I mean, if everybody got their own window and they also and they just have a very small room and everybody gets to decide if they can

also see outside. I think it would be great to install airplane style dining in your house. So everybody sits in a couple of rows all facing the same direction. All quite close together everywhere with their own tiny individual table it's the what would you call it the pan am no you'd call it so I started writing down the idea and then neither of us came up with a single solution. No I couldn't do it. I mean I think Andy, I think airplane style dining in the dining room, you know, does work for me because it's such a pleasant experience isn't it, eating on a plane? It is.

It's something about not being able to really move your arms very far. And just have everything in, elbows in in a way that you would never want to do. You could probably set it up in a circle like that. Oh that's good. You know going around so that you probably couldn't see people all the way on the other side assuming that there's just like one big or completely round seat in the middle. Or just I guess a series of seats like that it could be. Yeah I think I still want people to all be facing in

the same direction I think that's quite important to me what about little windows that decides whether or not you can see the people next to you but then that would be let us that takes away some of the plane reality that's true that's true I mean but then not outside the plane not having a window maybe sort of takes away from some of the plane reality as well. Well, you can have a window, but I just don't think you should look through that window to another diner. No, I think I agree. Do you think that you should dig a really deep hole in your house that makes it seem like you're in the sky when you look down?

I would argue that if you dug a really deep hole, you would be in the sky. But this is an interesting question, isn't it? Yeah. Is the sky, can you have sky underground? That's a great title for a book, the sky underground, underground sky. Yeah. I mean, I feel like, you know, this is one of those issues that we've, that we proved so many years ago that we perfect, that we proved so many years ago,

that we perfected the answer to so many years ago in a sketch possibly in Australia Get It Up You, Get It Up Ya, where we said the sky begins where the ground ends. Yeah, but I don't think in that we ever, we ever, we didn't have the foresight or the mental acuity to ask the question about what about when you dig a hole in the ground? Yeah, but I think that it... Is that hole full of sky? Yeah, but I think that you do, but you do get your answer, like you realize that when you do that

it makes sense. If you do dig the hole, give you the the the information required to answer that question. Right, I see, so this is like us going back to the American Constitution the original wording and trying to infer what the founding fathers would have met would have thought about you know Facebook privacy. That's right but we do it with with sort of jokes and concepts and we go well, no, we've already this this is this This concept has already been tested has already been tested in comedy The comedy court Alastair and what if I was to tell you that I say that if I ever yeah die if I had had a childhood a Traumatic childhood and if you're written a heart-rending memoir. Yeah about my experiences growing up

And if that and indeed if that ever does happen to be in the future imagine if it's completely suppressed traumatic childhood, yeah Yeah, I think I want I do want to call my book Underground Sky. Okay, great. Yeah. I mean, you do. I can't fucking move some units. It's hard for you to have to experience firsthand an underground, no, not an underground sky, a traumatic childhood, but for you to have a traumatic childhood, I feel like it's so

much so possible due to you having so many child's that you still have the possibility of essentially having a traumatic childhood really experiencing and witnessing one. Vicariously. Yeah you know sometimes because you know like you think sometimes kids are so young that you're the only person who's ever gonna remember that time in their life. Sometimes they're so young that you're the only person who's ever going to remember that time in their life. Sometimes they're so young. Yeah, that's true. And so they're not even forming proper memories.

So if you have it traumatic young enough, then you're really the only one who's having that experience long term. So you can claim that and who's gonna who's gonna tell you otherwise? Nobody. Because that's what I mean I've tried to tell you this years ago before but you forget the early years of your life right but when you have a kid you get to get those back by having that kids experience as the your first two years of life that you lost. You know, maybe three even.

You get those back. That's the reward. You get to remember someone's childhood first three years. You can rain check that. Rain check that. Now Andy, we have more than five sketch ideas and therefore we can go to three words from a listener. Today's listener is none other than Leon Horseman. Leon Horseman. Horseman himself And Leon after Leon's Leon horseman

and Leon has sent us a message and I'm gonna It begins like this. Hello, mr. Tank My three words will be and then he lists the three words and then at the end he says may you and your dreams Travel by moonbeams to a peaceful slumber signed Mr. Horseman That's one of the most beautiful bits of communication I've ever ever

Experienced. Yeah. Wow. Thank you, Mr. Leon Horseman. And you know, may your moon beams, you know, give you a ride good, riding up the, you know, wherever you're going to go. Moon sail, using the using a moon sail. I mean, is there, if you can ride on moon, on sunbeams, like, you know, let's say get Some Sun power from it then you must be able to get some Sun power from moon beams Moon beams, I think so Like yeah, nobody's looking into that. Do your solar panels show any Do they show any any sort of thing on a very moony on a very moony night?

Very moony Do you want to try to guess what what Leon's as we know Leon three words are Leon okay the first word is going to be pot plant with a hyphen in the middle pot plant Let me have a look. Oh There is an O and a T in this spelling of this word But it is not pot plant. Unfortunately, it is

Yes, yes but it is not pot plant unfortunately it is can i have another guess? yes yes uh... outsourcing is this another word? is this one word as well? andy i'm really sorry it is not but you got an S in there and i love that because this one also has an S in the spelling of this word uh... it is ostsie And I love that because this one also has an S in the spelling of this word It is OSTC OSTC and that's a phonetic spelling of the Quebec swear word OSTC I think it means like it's like the little the little Jesus wafers Yeah means like it's like the little the little Jesus wafers. Oh wow. Yeah. Okay like communion wafer. Little communion wafer yeah a little little body of Christ

wafer. Okay. Sort of yeah and so there's that's the first word now the second word has still gone unguessed to this date dialogue dialogue let me have a look no no that's not it indeed the second word is Merde or Merde so that's another French swear word for shit is the third word tabernak is it tabernak andy the third word is tabernak you did it you did it those years of training alistair yeah i mean you're exposing me to pretty much that's the only Quebecois Swear word that you taught me. I mean, I just I feel like I feel like I you know this this has been really the culmination of our lives together and

It's really paid off. I felt a culmination. I culminated everywhere and You know and just culminating I'm'm culminating I'm about to culminate stop stop stop stop stop stop stop calm yeah be calm I did text you a few days weeks ago about saying come with a silent B with a silent B on the head like thumb and just a thing just picture just some parts of America or England or something like that where they do pronounce it. I'm coming. I'm coming. But I think, you know, the thing about silent letters, we might've already

discussed this on the podcast is that you can put them in there and nobody has to know, so you could be doing that. You could be saying come, but saying it with a silent being, you could be doing that you could be saying come But saying it with a silent being you've been done that this whole time all your life Yeah, all your all your sexual escapades you could have been doing it and all that and that's that's just for you That's your own little secret. Yeah, the other person was had no idea And you've been saying comb I'm combing my head you've been saying it without a bee. Well that's where you got the bee from. That's right stole the bloody comb

bee put it into comb. In accordance with the law of conservation of bees you can't get a bee from nowhere you're gonna put a bee on the end of come, you need to take the B from comb. A comb, it is pronounced a lot as comb. Oh no, the thing is, can you pass me that comb? Some people pronounce the B as it's more likely to appear. I don't think they do. I don't think they do.

No? Okay, great. No, I don't think you're pronouncing the B when you said it just then you weren't pronouncing the B. I know, but I felt myself try to say it a couple of times as I've said this. Yeah but you can't can you? If you go back, I feel like I did say it, if you go back and study the tape, which people will for centuries.

And I know you will, you've already flagged that you're going to be going down. This episode I feel is historically important for this podcast this is the one that will either get us into the Australian archives or or kicked out of it but now we'll do it onto USB drives because like they sent a record out didn't they last time yeah which feels like the thing that's more most like but I don't know how you get an image off of a record yeah I don't know either yeah I don't know if there were images on the record I think there was a disc that had some images just drawn on it but I don't think that was the record okay I think the record I think there was a disc that had some images just drawn on it but I don't think that was the record okay I think the record had had sounds and

stuff okay separate not the pictures anyway um yeah that's cool swear words the obviously the communion wafer this is my body hmm then, this is my body. Then Merde, this is my shit. And Tabernacle, this is the, what, the Tabernacle. That's the, some important part of a church. Yeah, it could be the place. Swear words. Yeah, well that's, that's the. Oh, it's because there was a theocracy, right?

That's the theocracy. Yeah, it's the theocracy. It's a, you know, they were obviously lashing out. Mmm. Um, it's... it's a phonetic rendition of the term tabernacle, which refers to the ornament... ornamented box in which the communion hosts and wine are kept. I didn't know they're called communion hosts. Mmm. So they're like host Jesus. Yeah, it is the host. Well, Jesus is the host. Is he the host? Why is it a host? I do not know. Was he the host at the last supper he was hosting? Jesus, maybe Maybe Jesus was also, it could be that the the wafer is the host and

Jesus is a sort of parasite that infects communion wafer with his spirit. That actually makes a lot of, I think you might even actually just be literally correct that it hosts his spirit in some way. I don't think probably when the religious scholars are talking about it, they refer to Jesus specifically as a parasite. It's a kind of spiritual parasite. Wow. Imagine that. I mean, it does, it is something that infects your mind and that once you hear about a god, it's hard to You can't really get rid of it. It's sort of like

You know the herpes virus or whatever it's with you for life The concept of a god is very sticky. It's you can't like forget about a god You can forget about a god, but you can't forget about a god. You can forget about a god but you can't forget about gods. Ah, can you forget about a god? I don't know if you could forget about your god if you were raised to believe in a god. I don't think you can forget about that god. But let's say somebody told you about one of the 50 Indian gods. Yeah, I might be able to forget about that. Yeah. No offence to the 50 Indian gods.

But you know, is there other people that we can put into other types of food? And you know... Oh, that's good. Maybe we could license the communion concept from the Catholic Church and say look We think it's great that you do that at church But it seems crazy to me that you only do it at church a great concept powerful concept Can we franchise that out? Can we have a sort of a communion at football matches or something like that? Yeah, it would be cool to have a communion bar. You know you go to that bar It's really good, and it's just a bartender and people line up in front of him. And he,

he gives you a small snack, a bite-sized snack. Yes. And a sip of wine. It's kind of quite tapestry. Yeah, I mean, but you could picture it being popular amongst busy business people, but you know, they're going out for after work sip. Yes. But maybe, I guess maybe you have it and then you get back into line, so maybe the people you're with, you know, like you're just standing in a sort of one long file. And then... Yeah, or maybe it could be a kind of a reverse sushi train where you're the ones that are on the train and you're going past this sort of bartender, priest person and as your little train goes past he pops the food into your mouth and you go back around. It's probably quite well

timed because you know, you don't, you know, you've got time to go around and have that mouthful and then you're back again for another sip and another. And it's a great way to like, it's almost like it creates the pace at which you drink, you know, it really, you know, like so that you could, you know, depending on, depending on like the strength of the drink and the rate at which you go back, your train goes past the sip, you could be, they can be prescribing you an exact, like an exact drunkenness level by the end of a two-hour experience or whatever. That's good. Actually, that's a great thing that bars don't do, right?

They should be more outcomes focused and they should... You should be able to go into a bar and not say, I want this much, this many drinks or this much alcohol. You should be able to say, I want to be ex-drunk, this level of drunkenness. And then they tailor and they keep you at that level By bringing you the right amount of drinks at the right times So the like you know that's really what you want Isn't it like nurses like bringing you a little cup of pills at a certain time?

They go they have to watch you consume it they have to watch you consume it? Yes I think that's you know it is a prescribed it's a prescription to be a certain level of pissed which is what that's that's the dream isn't it to be and maybe this is what really good waiters are doing on some level it's just like keeping you but they tend to sort of just fill up your glass every single time they come past yeah you really pay by the glass rather than by the sip or or or just pay for for a feeling blood alcohol yeah yeah yeah and it because then then it's kind of idea then is it's sort of more like shirts you know buying a shirt they're all the same price, but,

but you don't some exactly. And so some people are just trying to get to a certain feeling and they're paying for the feeling rather than for what it takes to get them there, you know? You know, because if you're a real big guy and it takes you like, you know, seven drinks to feel tipsy, yes, you know, then it's're a real big guy and it takes you like, you know, seven drinks to feel tipsy Yes, you know then it's not fair because it's not your fault. It's not fair that you know Yeah, you should have your fault We assume

Well, we assume that you have worked really hard to increase your alcohol tolerance. And then well, I mean, I think in this world, in this future that we're heading towards that we're describing, I don't think you would be able to necessarily like maybe it's just that the because because I think there would there would be much more control over how drunk you are at any particular time. Maybe it's a future in which there is a government controlled alcohol canister inside everybody's brain and the government is in charge of how drunk everybody is at any particular time of day. And you know, they're the ones who at, you know, 5.30 on a Friday, the Prime Minister himself turns a big lever in the, what do we have in here over in Australia?

We don't have an Oval Office down here. We have an MCG office. I don't even know what the Prime Minister's office looks like. It's often just like a little room with a few photos. Yeah. It just looks like an office. Yeah, it just looks like an office. It's not even special. It feels like he's probably occasionally had to swap with somebody else just because, you know, that's like how...

Americans are much more into geometry than us. Yeah. They've got the Pentagon, they've got the Oval Office mmm that's others as well I assume oh this and other shapes maybe I wait where were we we were talking about the oh yeah I like to picture that you know like after a team has sports team has won a big game the Prime Minister comes on to live you know, like after a team has sports team has won a big game, the prime minister comes on to live, you know, on the news and he's got like one of those little buttons that like, like the button that allows you to like give yourself your own morphine. And

everybody gets a couple extra shots to know it. And he goes like that. And then just like our, our, you you know our alcohol thing gets released in our brain and they go oh fuck that's what people feel as they're like i'm coming up go the Matildas. But then you know sometimes the prime minister gets you really drunk one night you wake up in the morning with a hangover you're like oh man Prime Minister fucking Prime Minister I remember somebody that I met told one of the listeners told me that they refer they refer to this period in the podcast as the dog barking period it comes at a certain time in every podcast, about an hour in, the dog has really had enough of this shit.

Alistair, would you like to take us through the sketch ideas? It's to, wait, sorry, I'll just control the alcohol content in people, okay. In people, there we go. All right, Andy, I'll take us through the sketch ideas. We start with the front backbone and the back gut, which of course led us into- Strong start. Yeah.

Well, so then we have the, it's just to make it consistent with the shin bone and the and the calf Either were hard at the front and soft at the back Or there's no fucking system at all And we're just making it up system. The head is hard all the way around system the head is hard all the way around yeah crazy this is even the same animal it's like what is it doing I mean where is it hard where is it supposed to be hard? I think you've got the fucking genitals where you're soft at the front and then soft at the back. Yeah, but then sometimes hard. Yeah, hard, but in a non-bonal way.

Yes. And it's like, well fucking hell, make a choice. You think you can have everything. You want to have everything. Look now, look at the crab. That's a creature that made a choice. That's right. Hard everywhere.

Walk sideways. Walk sideways. Those are bold decisions. You know what I'd love to see? A creature that stands upright, but the head is at the bottom. Imagine like our head is dangling between our feet like like testicles but it's like there's like a loose skin.

Like a kangaroo's ball bag. Yeah. Yes. And it's like we swing like a pendulum as we walk and we our knees are kicking our head as it kind of swings for a second. But we like it. Mm-hmm. We love it. Then we have saying you're back about someone's front when they're facing away. That's right. That's my stupid doctor sketch, yeah, I hope you also wrote down the one That's the just the opposite of that but with a very empathetic patient Yeah, okay fingers crossed. Let's say and then we have Doing I mean doing the opposite. Yes

By a very empathetic patient that I just read that hang on a second what did you really it is any if you if you were to look at the pad right now you would see that it is written there I'll take it. Yes. It's an unusual way that it's been written though, because it's written indented in, in a way that I've never done before on the pads. But I think we're going to have to... How strange. Yeah. And then we've got universally static direction system to fix left and right. universally static Direction system to fix left and right right, you know Then we have fixing the 23 degree tilt on the earth

Yes, then we have the cops really 23 degrees that seems like way more than I was expecting Pretty sure it's like 23.1 or something like that or Pretty sure there's a point in there And then there's the copper feel illusion which is one for me when this podcast really started to get good that's when he didn't make the Statue of Liberty disappear he made our innocence disappear that's right but you know but then it's also you know involves the ghost it's you know it's all the questions that this brings up then it's got the not making art has been has disappeared and we can tell from old nooses you know and then we have the volvator bullfighting shows

Yeah, I had nothing to do with it, but I enjoyed it yeah great I'm so glad to hear you saying that you both enjoy it and are distancing yourself from it Then we have the the continental breakfast conduana land Then we have the the continental breakfast conduana land We have the ever plane style dining in the dining room Then we have the I'm coming And then we have the reverse sushi train of communion drinking bar Yes By the way, did you picture Pete the people sitting on a little track and they just go past the thing or did you picture?

a conga line actually in my mind and they were kneeling and also before I say the last one I just want to say I Couldn't help but at some point you were talking about aerobics and I think aerobics is just a-robics but to picture a version in the sky called aerobics was still at least interesting to me. So you think it's called aerobics? Yeah.

Not aerobics? Yeah, yeah. It's aerobics. I'm pretty sure. How do you think it's called aerobics yeah not aerobics yeah it's aerobics um I'm pretty sure it's spelled a-r-o-b-i-c-s I think I'm right yeah that it's spelt a-e-r and I think that's what made it good for me is that you I mean I think that's what's good is that you would think that it's spelled like that, Andy, and it's so ridiculous that you would think that, even though, even though the internet is also wrong.

Since it's... I guess I've fallen into one of those internet rabbit holes. Yeah, even though it's like, it's clearly, it should be called like let's see what earth aerobics or something like that I mean aerobic aerobic that definitely does imply the existence of fire aerobics and and water aerobics even I know that there's water aerobics, but I don't consider that pure. It's a really great bit. It's really great considering that it's not even spelled air like A. I think that's what the AE implies because that's where an aeroplane...

Maybe it's now you've flipped it around you've used my strength against me. Oh Andy yes. Now I have taken the demonstrably false position. Oh Andy. It is I. You just fucked yourself. I have reversed you. And now I am in the dominant position sitting on your chest slapping your face knees on your arms what I like and of course the final sketch is the prime minister controls the alcohol content in the people. Perfect. I think Andy, I think that's an episode. Thank you so much for listening to the Think Tank. So experimental.

You really went with us on some places today. We appreciate it. We appreciate it. My god, people who listen to this podcast are amazing. They are. They are amazing. They go through so much. They do. podcast are amazing they are they are amazing they go through so much they do

and I think that they should tap into the people like you know this is you know how they use video games to identify people who are really good at I don't know what like fucking firing army drones or something like CIA operations maybe that's what this podcast is for people who are just good at sort of putting up bullshit. Yeah. You know, some kind of psychological torture. Yes. And this would be psychological torture to some people, and that's amazing.

Yes. You know, I think it's... But voluntary psychological torture. You should feel proud of that, that you can very easily picture a person who would be tremendously upset at listening to even five minutes of this. And that you can withstand hours, sometimes all in one sitting. Thank you so much. sitting. Thank you so much and there's one last thing that we must say to you and that is that we love you. Bye. We hero arrives. I am ready. Is there anyone stronger? No.

Tougher? No. Funnier? I do not make jokes, I make warriors. Knuckles, now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes!