Two In The Think Tank - 435 - "PASTA SPOOL"

Episode Date: July 28, 2024

Ranch superfood, Spool of Italian, New Quantum of Solace, Witness Protection for all, Premium Police Service, Karen Hospital, Theatre hospital, The Crotch Crutch, Riding the Crotch Segway, Toxic Spaceballs Fan.There's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Check out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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oompa da da, oompa da da, oompa da da, oompa da da, oompa da da, oompa da da. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. Andy.

And I'm Alastair George William Trumblybert Joel. Alastair is there in the morning, in the Canadian morning, having himself a cup of Canadian coffee. I am here in the Australian evening drinking myself a beer. We couldn't be more different. An Australian beer? Oh yes, that's right. Unless you're drinking like a Molson.

Uh, excuse me? Look at the label, is it a Molson? Oh, it's a Molson. Oh, well you're drinking a Canadian beer. Well there you go. Actually we couldn't be more similar We couldn't be more similar. Yes, and I'm I fermented my coffee until it was alcoholic Have we tried? Have we tried drilling into any other trees and drinking the sap or is it just maple?

Is it they might all be what about The rubber tree. Yes, a nice cup of rubber. I mean, I wonder whether or not when it's still sappy whether you can just drink it. It feels like maybe, you know, like it's sort of milky I think when it comes out and it might be great I'd be really good for you my rubber tea might be perfect for lining your stomach before oh yeah before a big night for or a big day of sampling the saps of other trees oh he could protect you from the poison. Oh, the the sap-tie-sters solution. Mm. Oh. STS. Yes, you can drink all the saps you like as long as you do it in the right order. What about?

Would you kind of like, would you consider like putting a hole in like the stem of a dandelion and sucking that sort of gooey milky sap out as to also being a sap? Was that also a sap or is that a different one? It's not a tree. I mean, the way you called it a sap instantly made me think it was a sap and I feel very comfortable calling it a sap. And I have looked at that milky liquid that comes out of those dandelions many times and

thought I would like to drink that. It looks so milky. Well, people say that every part of the dandelion is edible. I'll take that. If people say it, yes. Because I think they're like, this is one of the most nutritious plants and we just kind of like don't eat it. Cause we're like, it's a weed. Sounds like it's.

You know, like the leaves are like a salad lettuce. It sounds like the time is ripe for a new super food. The dandelion revolution. I mean, does it, is it a problem that it's sort of there just like everywhere, right? If it was on a mountain in Bolivia, do you think we'd be much more open to the idea of the secrets of the Bolivian mountain people and this dandelion, we'd have to call it dead. Let's just rebrand it as dandelion I'm drinking this dandelion tea we'll just pronounce it slightly differently and

Make our fortunes. I Say I don't think you never get me with the tea That's never like because I always think most teas feel like they're pretty bad outside of TT. Yeah Yeah, they never get me with tea if they get me with like all this this makes it you know like you could put like a like a creamy dressing on top of you know, just a bunch of dandelions and You know and then you know, maybe some croutons and some Parmesan Reggiano, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Then I think you could get me with the dandelion. That's dandelion. Well, I mean, that's maybe with the dandelion should be the dressing. If you're talking about a creamy dressing and it's already got that sort of creamy liquid inside it, what would be really great would be a super food that like, cause a lot of the time that, you know, like the qu quinoa it's a lot of work to like do it up and and make it rise

They're like, oh you got to make sure you take out the ones that are rocks or like pick up the ones that are This is gonna be this is gonna be a less than ideal circumstance Yeah, I so okay, I've heard that a couple of times about like, yes, you've got lentils or whatever and you've got to pick through and get out the ones that are rocks. I'm like, I might not eat that. Yeah. No, thank you. But if you don't know how to filter out rocks from lentils in that process, then I don't

know if I trust you guys yeah I'm willing if I'm willing to put this in my diet I uh I think that our superfood it should just be a dressing it should be a super dressing because then it's just something you can add on to the top of whatever you're already eating anyway and nobody ever complained that something had too much dressing on it. I mean, could we just, we're the people who work for ranch dressing, right? And we say, you know, superfood is not a like official terminology for anything. There's no requirements on it. It's like, people love the shit out of ranch dressing.

What if we just say it's a superfood? Yes. Yes. You know, cause I mean, also I would be willing to believe that bacon bits is a superfood, bits tastes like a super food. We just need to get a few triathletes or something like that. Right. Exactly.

Get them to like, to, to, to sort of let out that their secret is filling up their, that drink bottles that goes on the bicycle, that's full of ranch dressing. And we have them sort of bacon. It's a special kind of drink bottle. That's got a bigger nozzle so that the bacon bits can get out. We have them guzzling that on the on the bike, biking leg. The American boba. What's a boba? Bubble tea. Oh that is good. Yeah America, it's ranch dressing with bacon bits. You guys want big bacon bits or little bacon bits? That turns out the bigger the bacon bit, the more effective it is. Oh yeah, and then sometimes those people who think that it's really good, they just get a full,

they get full strips of bacon in there. And they just have to be, they just, and that's how big the straw has to be, has to be like thick so that it can fit numerous layers of cooked flat bacon bits that you just pull out with your tongue at different various times when you're ready for a new, a new strip. You know what I would like as a food? like a pasta that comes on a spool like a fishing line. Okay, and I can just slurp a continuous, you know, so you cook it on the spool, right? It doesn't stick together somehow. We're probably gonna put some pretty fucked up chemicals

in there, but it's on a spore. What about butter? Butter, perfect. Even better. Fucked up enough for you? Yeah, it is. And you, and then you clip it onto a little thing on the, on the table in front of you and you slurp that. slurp that. Okay yeah I like that as well. It's on your belt buckle and you you feed it up through your shirt right under your shirt up against your chest there and then you just have it hanging out over the over your collar and then at any time in the day you can just pop the end of that into your mouth and you can

Slurp up a bit more of that and you can see that the marketing is already taking care of itself because you'll have that line of Grease, you know appearing on your shirt from underneath From all the butter soaking through and then somebody goes. Hey, what's up with your shirt and you go? Oh, what's that? That's just dinner, you know, and then people will find it so cool, you know, it'll everybody loves a stripe anyway, ah Yes, and especially a stripe of oil up the front of a man. It draws the eye up to the mouth to the slurped to the pursed lips and the slurping mouth. And it creates a line down towards your crotch. So from face to crotch you're two main things you want a potential partner to be looking at. Yes. Because that's the two places you want them to put their mouth.

Which is also what you're doing. You've got your mouth on your face and your mouth is connected to your own crotch as well. It's very suggestive. It takes care of everything really, doesn't it? All your forms, all your needs are satisfied by this It takes care of everything really, doesn't it? The suggested grief. All your forms, all your needs are satisfied by this pasta spool. That's right. Your need for food, your need for conversation,

because people are asking about the trail of grief up your front, and your need for sinful sexual relations because those members of whatever sex you require have their eyes drawn to the relevant sections of your body and when I say sections I'm spelling that S-E-X. I'm spelling that. S-E-X. C-T-I-O-A. Sex-s-ions. And, you know what's very interesting is that once you take off your shirt and your pants,

and let's say your face, if somebody does want to travel from your face down to your crutch or region, right? If they don't feel like lifting their face, right? They can follow the grease trail, right? And it will be greased up for speed. It'll almost be exactly like when the Romans built roads from one place to another. Yes. For ease of transport. Yes. The speed. You will never have had somebody drag their face along your body at such excessive speed.

I love it. To the point where they might actually like injure your dick at the end once they get to the other bit. Except that as long as you've got pubes, that's a kind of like a slow down pad. Yes, the crash pad of the body. Yeah, that will also help wipe off some of the grease off their face. Depending on how much grease has leaked down into your pubes. I'm starting to feel like this is almost too good an idea and we shouldn't let it out on the podcast. That pass the spool, improve your life 500%.

What about Roman roads where they do, we discovered that the Romans also had, because they didn't have trains, right? But they did, I assume they had butter so maybe they had these sort of greased up super highways that you could run and then dive onto and slide all the way to herculaneum or whatever you know you could sort of um sort of what do you call it a A slippery dip, right? But on Greece. Yeah, you go on a slippery trip. Yes, I mean, you wonder whether, you know, the Romans ever looked at a hill that they'd paved

and just put two sticks of butter under the feet of a centurion, you know? Or maybe two on the back of the leg and two under the buttock. And you know just sent them into battle. Maybe or sent them all into battle in that formation you know that they do. Yes I know I know exactly what you mean. I know I think it's terrific. I think it's almost a kind of like an ice skating but with pats of butter strapped to your feet. You think the only things that come in pats are butter and cow shit? That's right. Yeah. Try to think of another pat. Maybe E-Cakes? Mmm. Sure, Pats.

Yes. St. Pats? Yeah. St. Pats. Mmm. That's all I got. That's not a lot, is it? Right? Well, you did say Pats a couple of times. That's something. Oh, and of course,

it's the fundamental unit of affection for a dog. So... Yes, yes, of course. The S.I. unit. The smallest possible... It's a quantum of solace. Yeah. Like when somebody's lost a loved one or something and you hug them or you want to demonstrate, you want to offer some solace to them.

The smallest possible unit of solace is one pat on the back. So I guess in that way a pet is a quantum of solace. Imagine releasing a movie now called quantum of solace. It is a film about giving a dog a pet. Giving a dog a pet. Do you think enough time has passed? Do you think enough time has passed that I could release another Quantum of Solace film without having to deal with it? Andy, I think.

Because what I would hate is to be out there on the press trail and be doing the rounds of all the junkets and getting interviewed about my new movie and have the topic of the James Bond film of the same name coming up again and again and having to... This production company is, its whole marketing campaign is based off of big film companies suing them for doing and making a film of the same name as they that they have. Wow. Right and so you do make a film of the same name as they have. Wow. Right, and so you do make a film about petting a dog and a scientist discovering it's the smallest unit of solace, comfort available. And this is the only way that people watch your films

is because they keep making it in into the news for because you know MGM is suing them. Oh MGM? Yeah they're back. They came out of retirement for one last court case. One last court case. No it does sound good. Last call, guys. No, it does sound good.

It does sound like a strategy. You know, I think that this actually, it genuinely is one of the better strategies I've ever heard for new filmmakers. And also- Whenever you hear about- It's so hard. The marketing budget for these films. Right?

It's always insane. It always runs to these tens, hundreds of millions of dollars for this marketing budget. Why not just spend some small, I mean court cases are expensive, but they're not that expensive. You know, spend some small fraction of that on a court case with the Albert, what was it? Broccoli, the Broccoli family. These are the people who, Brassica? Brassica. Well, I'm thinking of the members of the Broccoli family

who produced the James Bond films, but I'm also willing to bring in the entire Brassica kingdom. Like as in fight them in court. Yeah, that's right. But I think that once the court case gets, once you get sued, I think that you pull back and you make your pun a bit more dumb. Okay. You know, maybe you change it to quanta of solis

or you could make it into quantum of... Solic... Solic... Yeah. Dog... Dogtum. Dogtum of solis. Right, but I've still still I've made my concession so that I don't have to do a big payout. Yeah. Yeah, you don't have to go to court

Yeah, yeah, yeah, once they once they send you once they send you the season desists And then you've got the press releases out into the news About you know the big guy attacking the little guy and you're just trying to make a film about a scientist who's looking into the smallest... Patting a dog. Patting a dog, smallest unit of comfort. Yes. I actually come from a small Japanese village where for hundreds of years all my people

have done is make films about scientists patting a dog and finding the smallest unit of comfort. It's actually a cultural thing and now the big this big city James Bond franchise is trying to crush my my culture. Absolutely yeah you're gonna have to make up a thing about a town you grew up in as well yeah yeah yeah yeah or you're gonna have to make up a thing about a town you grew up in as well. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, or you're gonna have to create a new town where that's what they do. That's what we do in this town. Grow up in it. Yes. But I mean you could just be born again. That's the trick, isn't it?

Being born again. Isn't it like it's... It really is the the loophole that gets you out of almost anything You know especially a downward spiral, it's not it's not a it's not a A if you've got a downward spiral where you feel like you're crashing right that is a solution to that if you're, you know, rather than a... It's a solution rather than a clear symptom of a downward spiral.

Well, it feels like it's the... Becoming a born-again Christian or something like that. It feels like it's the, it's sort of like declaring bankruptcy for your personal behaviour. Your personhood, exactly right. Yes, you're liquidating and you're appointing administrators, God or Christ, to run the company. The Maharaja. appointing administrators God or Christ to run the company and then you're just sort of or Maharaja and then yeah then you can sort of you can all your previous wrongdoings you can say we're not it actually it really is that isn't it hmm it's a yeah you're legally phoenixing your personhood. Yeah and then you act like you almost never had a connection to...

like now you have like no connection to who that person was and you act like... you know it's like you really have to like act for the rest of your life where you go like, well yes, you know like you speak a little bit softer, you know, it's like you really have to like act for the rest of your life where you go like, well, yes, you know, like you speak a little bit softer, you're trying to completely like detach from like regular your regular human emotions, which are what got you into the trouble in the first place and why you had to Phoenix your personality or whatever. And I have to come back as some softer kind of like in brackets spiritual person who You know works on a higher level maybe Mmm

Do you think that's what? What George W Bush did he became born again? I think did he? Yeah, cuz he was already very popular with born-again, so isn't he? well, I think he had like, you know, he had alcoholism and problems and stuff when he was a younger guy. Got himself into a bit of trouble and then I think he did um become born again and discover discover Jesus discover God Discover that was already a god there though, wasn't it?

There was already a god there and a lot of people already knew him yes that's right yeah he didn't he didn't discover him yes he discovered him in the same sense that Christopher Columbus discovered America he claimed him as his own more sort of he colonized God. That's not. Yes. Yeah I mean I thought you were referring to his like thing that he's done basically since his presidency where he kind of just became like a guy who paints and you know and he's really sort of doesn't do that many presidential things except for that thing that speech he did you know in the last few years where he he was talking about you know Ukraine and then he said you know it's some tyrants unjustified war in Iraq is his I mean a Ukraine is that really what happened yeah and he

goes in Iraq too and he goes it was the best you just come back out you don't do anything you don't do any speeches you come back out for you don't do anything, you don't do any speeches, you come back out for one, you do the worst possible gaffe. For one last Bushism. Yes. We need him. Just when he thought he was out. Pulled him back in. Now, what are we going to do with this born again? There's got to be something with born again. You know? Yeah.

I mean, is it, uh, is there, is it literally a company that is like one of those ones that guides you through a bankruptcy or a, or a liquidation and it's, it's an, it's a, they, they also offer a thing for your personality, right? Yeah. You know, it's not just your company that's got you into trouble. I mean, I think a company... It's all your choices. I think a company that does... I mean, I'm going to be amazed if there isn't a company that does this, but a company that

does like witness protection style, building of a new life and stuff, but for just everyday people who just want to disappear. Alastair, this is the best sketch idea we've ever come up with. And I say we, because I want to get in, I want to make it seem like I was here on the ground floor, but why is witness protection just for people who've witnessed a horrific crime? It feels it feels very unfair that only those who have Who have witnessed a mob killing get to what go to a completely new town have a new name get given a house Yeah, I

Mean did these people witness a mob killing or did they fucking win the lottery I mean I get to I get to shed all of the people that they know start again but for you know but for every but just the average person what about a person who's tried really hard all their life and never had the luck of witnessing a mob killing, you know, and they never feel like they got the recognition they deserve, right? And everybody just remember this from the one,

you know, everybody in town knows them as, you know, as stinky because of that time they farted in high school, you know, and they just have never been able to get ahead. Right? And now they can go and start afresh in a new town, new identity, new house. What do you reckon it costs? I feel like 10,000 bucks. Everything that you own. Oh, okay. Well, I guess. Minus you know, like. Yeah, I mean, I guess you don't need it, right? Yeah, well, you have to give up everything, you know? Yeah. That might be what it costs. I'm not sure.

You know, maybe some people will find a way to sneak a, you know, a water cash in their jacket or whatever like that. But, but that you can get in trouble with the witness protection style service people. Yeah. Cause that could, that could link you to your old life. That could lead people straight to you. You got to take this seriously. Plastic surgery as well.

A lot of the time get a new face. Oh yeah. I'd love a new face. Oh yeah. I love a new face. They'll put you in a town, they'll put you, like you know, and it can be across the, you know, into, in a new country because it's like these days it's much harder to do it, you know, because face recognition, you know, all that kind of stuff can really mess with you. Oh, a new country?

Travel? Travel? I mean, all of it. I mean, I mean, there's actually like a TV show in this. But then you find out maybe that they like, fuck, this is, this is a twist in it. Because if it's a TV show, you find out that a lot of people in this one town are all witness protection people because they just thought well we'll buy one big piece of land and then subdivide it. Now hang on, now that you're hearing you say that, that makes me think that is the plot

possibly of the Bay of Fires TV series in Australia? Maybe? Fuck! There's lots of people in witness protection there? But I don't, I think they're you know they're they're on witchers protection for crimes right it's not your idea of the anybody can yeah just buy it like a service okay well that's sort of like a hitman for you by hiring a hitman for your own life yeah and you say that you can just disappear. I want you to take out my identity.

Yeah. What do you think? Do you think that, like, they... Because, I mean, I wonder how they make you disappear, whether or not they... They probably don't say that you've died, but you just kind of go, right? You would just go.

Yeah, I think that's it. The problem is that people would look for you, but then whatever. Then the police will just have to go. Well, that's why they're so good, right? That's their job. That's right. But also, do we have to imagine a society where the police, you know, won't, I mean, maybe the police should start offering it, right? Because they're the ones who do the witness protection normally. Yeah. Right. So they already have the skills. It's just a branch. It's just a, like they're an association that is closely associated

with the police. They are from the police. It's a subsidiary of the police. Exactly, they spin it off. It's their commercial wing. It turns out the police are offering this service that everybody wants to get access to. It makes sense for them to start charging for it while they're doing it anyway. And then also that allows them once they go partially corporate, a bit like the ABC, or like the BBC I think can do it, where it can have ads on its podcasts and stuff like that, then it means the police can then offer

a premium police service, which is maybe a different idea, but they can offer a premium police service where when your house gets robbed, they actually do go look for your stuff. They don't just like, they don't just like get it if they accidentally come across it when they're raiding some criminals house. Yeah, that's a really good idea. Like when they show up and they interview you about the stuff that got taken, this time

they're actually writing stuff on the pad and not just pretending. I mean, that's um, I love that. I'm even just writing it down as a separate idea, premium police service for just $15 a month. These are the- Did we already come up with a premium fire service where they put out the house with sparkling water? Did we come up with that or was there somebody else? Yeah, it was the fire service for the rich. Right, because that's very good as well. Yeah.

Yeah. Write that down again as well, honestly. Oh, that's good, Andy. Thank you. I mean, sometimes... Actually, you know what? I'm going to write down all of episode 400's ideas. Oh, what about this private health service? It's like private hospitals.

You could pay a bit of extra and go to a hospital where you could like choose your doctor and get a nice room, that kind of thing. Get better healthcare. A nice room. I think when they're designing the hospitals, they're like, don't make the rooms too nice because we're going to want to sell a premium service to them. Hi, it's Fido.

Start the semester with a new phone and a plan full of data without breaking your budget. We have everything you need for an A-plus year. Come check out our special back to school offers. They'll leave you with more cash in your pocket for the stuff you love. So life plans even include data overage protection so you can go all out without going over. Don't wait. Our back-to-school offers are only available for a limited time. Go to Fido.ca or a Fido store near you and save all semester long. Fido, at your side. It is a bit of that. I was thinking a bit about alternative medicine and this might be too slight to even count as an observation, but it does feel like there must be some sort of law of conservation that means that you

can have good bedside manner or real medicine but not both and so you know you can't have both at the same time so alternative medicine people they're like well we don't have real medicine but what we can do is we can really make people feel good right and listen to people and and validate their concerns and make them feel seen and cared for and looked after right so we'll do that and then real medicine is like well we've got actual medicine so we're not gonna do that stuff. But- Well, you know what it makes me think of? It makes me think of a gimmick hospital

where all the doctors and nurses are really mean to you. You know, like you've heard of like those Karen cafes where they just serve you in their room. Yeah. You go, oh, you accidentally like, you know, get a metal stake in your leg. And you're like, oh, you accidentally get a metal stake in your leg. And you're like, oh, you and your wife are like, before going, you're like, oh, we should try that hospital,

that Karen hospital where the doctors treat you really bad. They leave you in the waiting room. Yeah, and then they look at you there, but they like, they see you go, They leave you in the waiting room for hours and hours. They look at you there, but they say, you go, oh, what have you done, you fucking idiot? Like that, as you show up with a metal stake. Oh yeah, that's it. Yeah, go sit there. Sit there next to the guy who's coughing heaps.

Yeah, maybe that'll put you out of misery before we get around here. Now, do you think this is, that your idea your idea Alastair is far enough from the existing health service to be uh. Andy I think that our doctors and nurses try really hard. I agree Alastair but I also agree believe that there are compromises involved in health care and uh I would say you know I initially thought that your idea was going to be for a gimmick hospital where they treat you really well. Well, I think that the making you wait really long, that was your idea and it was making it way too close to the thing.

Yeah, I know. That's why I was joking. That was my joke. I was joking on your joke also I suggested yeah But I would say it's a private hospital because that's why you know, that's why they can afford to know they can afford to be okay sure and It's like I mean, I mean I guess you know, it'll be funny

I mean, I guess that that can be you know, you know punchline that would really satisfy the The general public at the end of this sketch where oh, yes, you would be able to go I mean if I to be honest if I wanted to be treated this badly, I could have just gone to a public hospital But that would satisfy people and that people love that kind of satire. What about this Alastair? We have theatre restaurants, why not a theatre hospital? Why can't you go along to a hospital? Everyone's dressed as a vampire or maybe there's a Victor Frankenstein type character where you can lie down on a, they don't have gurneys but they do have slabs, right? And he's got this crazy hair and he's still doing the regular stuff like, you know, you've had a heart attack,

they decide to take you to the theater hospital. They pretend they're doing it with lightning, but when you do get, you do lurch back to life after being hit with a defibrillator, Victor does say, it's alive. And they can sell tickets and people can come watch. Exactly. defibrillator, Victor does say, it's alive. And they can sell tickets and people can come watch. Exactly. And get a meal.

And maybe the medicine is not quite as good as it would be at a regular hospital, much like the food is not all that good, but they make up for it with the show, with the experience, with the campy. That's right, because it's like the problem with a lot of hospitals that people hate is how sterile it is. You know, not necessarily the fact that there's not that many,

there's not many germs in there that people like, I think. Yes. But the fact that it's so white and it's a terrible place to spend your last days. But if everybody is sort of like, you know, a musical theatre nerd, a werewolf, you know, there's a lot of teenagers, yes, doing their first job. Yes, a lot of, and there's the owner has got a real serious drug problem and he thinks that he can, he writes a lot of jokes with racial stereotypes in it. Well Alastair, that feels very specific.

Very specific example. It's just about the stories of all the Melbourne theatre restaurants that I've heard of. I don't think I've heard many stories. You must move in different circles to me. Yeah, I mean I do slightly. I live in Canada, Andy. And I hear a lot of stories about the Melbourne theatre restaurants here. You move in the bloody Arctic Circle. That's the circle you move in. I'm getting bloody close. It's so weird being in the middle of the summer here and it's already like, it's way too hot. Um, um, sorry. Yeah. Theater restaurant, um, sorry, um,

um, hospital. I'm sorry. Theater restaurantating theatre, restaurant, hospital, theatre. Because it's operating. It's a functional one. It's an operating theatre, restaurant, hospital, operating theatre. When you told us you wanted us to take this man down to the operating theatre. We just thought you meant a theatre that was in operation and that is why we have brought this man prepped for surgery here to old Drury Lane in the middle of this production of bed knobs and broomsticks on ice. I'm not writing...

It's like ice rink theatre. That's great. Thanks man. There's, yeah, it's so freaking hot here. Like there's just been heat wave after heat wave to the point where it's like yeah where it's like oh I'm not sure this might just be summer but apparently it's been a little bit hotter than people are used to but it's also really fucking humid because it's an island and you know water and 32 degrees just feels very unbearable.

Yeah, right. Oh, yuck. Yeah. 32. So is that a heat wave over there? 32 is the heat wave? Yeah, 32, 34 is a pretty big heat wavey kind of thing. Yeah, so it's like, it's not like getting the 42

that we would get in Melbourne or whatever, but it's equally as unbearable. You kind of still go into that kind of lockdown mode where you're like, we can hardly leave the house except for the fact that the fucking public pools are free here. And there's like, you know, water play areas in almost every park.

And that is really great because then you can take kids and it actually does make things a tiny bit more bearable if you can generate the energy to leave the house. Sounds like it would be a great time to help somebody move house, Alastair. Oh my, what a dream, what a dream. We actually technically do have five sketch ideas even though they're both, they're all mostly food-based and theater restaurant-based. Would you be willing at this stage in your life to go to a three words from a listener from the listener Alex Lloyd?

I am reaching the stage in my life, Alastair. I'm perimenopausal. Perimenopausal. Peri perimenopause. Very hot. And I'd be thrilled Portugal. Is that how they also call it? Portu- Portu-menopausal. That's extra spicy. Okay. Now Andy, I may have, you may have got from when I said the listener was Alex Lloyd. Today's listener was Alex Lloyd. Oh really? And that was also what I assume is the listener that he's sending in the words from.

So what I assume is the listener that he's sending in the words from I heard Alex Lloyd making a suggestion on a Recent episode of who knew it with Matt Stewart. I believe my goodness was it the one I appeared on no I Don't think so. No, I think you would have mentioned. Yeah, I feel like I would have drawn attention to it I'm a big drawer and in that regard it. I'm a big drawer in that regard. Now Andy, Alex Lloyd has sent in three words. Now would you like to guess what that first word is? Oh the first word is crunchy. Crunchy? Mmm close Andy, it's pigeon. You could picture if you were, you know, running on top of or rolling over. Crunchy is a sensation you would experience whilst, sorry, it's a yucky visual, isn't

it? No, that's okay. Rolling over a pigeon. Pigeon? Rolling over a pigeon, smoking and sucking on gin and juice pigeon I got my mind on my money and that pigeon on my mind okay second word is England English English close Andy this is a a bird that they mention using the English language magpie pigeon magpie pelican close Andy it's the Pelican of the skies, the Falcon.

Wow! Pigeon, Magpie, Falcon. The Peregrine Pelican. Three birds. Ah. The Peregrine Falcon. That's the fastest, is that the fastest land bird? Do we know what the fastest bird on land is? I think it's the fastest creature in the world. Right, fastest creature. The Peregrine Falcon I think, I think nothing can go faster unless a whale can swim faster

than that. That's the only alternative I can think of. unless a whale can swim faster than that? That's the only alternative I can think of. I wonder. I wonder what the... Because I tried to be humorous by asking what the fastest bird on land is, Alastair, and then I realized that, of course, it would be the ostrich, right? Which is actually just a very fast running bird.

But I guess I kind of want to know what the fastest flying bird on land is. But then maybe that's not even interesting enough to be funny. Like where it's flying while its feet are still touching the ground? Like dragging along. Yeah.

Or do you just mean flying? I think I meant running. What about the fastest fish on land, you know? Look, don't worry about it. You weren't listening. You weren't listening closely enough to hear past whatever errors I might be making with my actual words to some sort of deeper meaning

that even I don't believe in. I'm gonna witness protection myself so good. Guy goes into witness protection, but he wants to keep doing his podcast. So he just changes his identity. Surely that's one of the first things they tell you when they put you in witness protection. You got to stop doing your podcast. You got to stop doing your podcast.

Oh, but my listeners, they depend on me to release this very irregularly. Yes Andy. And what's here? Fastest fish on land. We get all the fish. We chuck them on land and see which one moves the fastest. Does that interest you in any way? Alright.

No. Okay. I mean, yeah. I mean, I think over, I guess if you're talking about over a very short distance, you know, like, because I mean, you know, I guess over like five meters, if you can get one fish that gets a pretty good bounce, you know, does that, that worm jump like, you know, remember that time jump, like, you know, remember that time Brian sent us a thing and it was telling us that the jump that maggots do, which is, you know, they curl their body

into a sort of half moon, you know, into a crescent shape and then essentially unbend themselves and smack the ground with their with their side like that and then jump is the most common form of jumping in nature. Really? Yeah. So the worm, like when you try and do the worm when you're break dancing or whatever, you're actually partaking in what is statistically speaking Normal jumping that is what yeah, that would be kind of the closest thing is the most normal kind of jumping Yeah, but it's like it's that bit at the bottom where you then launch yourself right or do they people do yeah

I Don't know enough about the worm. I forgot that the hands are probably involved I should have known that breakdancers don't have the courage to do a pure worm where the hands have no role to play and it's all just wriggling to just lie on the ground and wriggle. Rigorous wriggling. They had to rely on the crutch that is the hand. That's what I do for sex, I rely on the crotch that is the crotch. Ah, the crutch that is the crotch. Yeah, the crutch that is the crotch. But of course. It took me so long in my life to sort of understand that there's a difference between those two words. I

mean it doesn't really make sense that crotch is spelled with an O to be honest. If anything is something that looks like it should be spelled with a U it's the crotch. Mmm. You know I just it bothers me. I think that that like most of the time when two things have the same word I think split them up up, let's give them a new, let's even give them each their own spelling. But this is one where I would say crotch and crot. Crotch should just go both to being used and we should combine them so that we can just fix. And people can just work it out from context. Yeah, exactly.

Which one you're referring to. Yeah, he had crotches under his arm. Well that does sound about right. That would be great though using crotch crotches where people on their hands that you... crotch crotches. That you you know you let's say you've hurt your leg and then you use two people and you put your arms there they stand on their hands and you put your arms over their crotches like that and then you move forward like a crotch oh what about this you it's a person walking on their hands right and then you sort of interlock your two crotches, like you're sort of

scissoring, but they are, they are walking around. It feels like, you know, it's like sitting in the fork of a tree. Yeah, it's like a human segway. Yes, exactly. You just lean forward and then they fix up the balance. They fix it up. If you were very wealthy, you know, it feels like something that you should be able to pay to do. To ride. I could picture a rich person. The most dangerous crotch of all. Beast of all. Oh yeah, sorry. No, no, no. Riding the most dangerous crotch of all. Man. But the idea of a billionaire

who is upset that he can't do that, and he says, I thought you said my money could buy me anything. And then having to get his fixer or whatever who has to go and try and how do you think he said that to your buddy could buy you anything say your buddy could buy you anything well then you think yes he's like a Saudi Arabian king? Yeah, that was the accent I was doing. Could you not tell that?

I think there could be a sort of a class of people in some country that has over generations and generations they sort of evolved to do this, a kind of an inverse Sherpa, kind of a human rickshaw kind of situation. They've got huge muscular hands and their neck is sort of strangely flexible so they can bend up and still look forwards when they're running along on their arms. I feel like, you know, for me the image never feels like, it doesn't feel like it's happened through evolution, it's happened through subservience.

Yes. I see. We will reconfigure our child's spine so that they can continue in our line of work. Well, I mean, that would be my ideal situation. I want them to thrive. You want them to be downtrodden, Alastair, but I want them to enjoy their lot in life and be happy. Yeah, you're right.

I mean, sometimes, I mean, you know what? That would be great if they were like, if they were making 500K a year doing that, and they were like, you know, like they were like aristocrats. And then they, but they did that as a, you know, maybe let's imagine they did it like five times a year, and that provided them the wealth that they need to maintain their extremely lavish lifestyle.

Sort of like a plumber in Australia then. Like a plumber in Australia, you did it. But I do think that they would be like, you know, these people could be like tradies over here, where, you know, people look down at it and everyone and everyone's like oh don't do that as a career you know you need to go to university but then you see the money that the the crotch riding people are getting and you're like oh they've all got these really you know they don't have a lot of taste they've got these really big expensive cars and they spend all their money real quick.

And you, all the people who went and studied psychology or whatever, like, why didn't I become a crotch rider? Yeah, exactly. Crotch ride-y. And imagine that it's like, you have like five customers a year and they're, and it's like, it's all like some of the richest people in the world,

just wanting the opportunity to ride your crotch. And it's like, so like, yeah, you get me. Like being a high-class escort, but. But this is an even more sort of forbidden fruit, a more exotic pleasure. For some reason I do picture this taking place in the Middle East. Alastair, if that's what you picture, I fully support it. I think it's good because I often picture too many people in my sketches as being white. But I like to picture the person whose crotch is being ridden is Middle Eastern and very successful. But then one of the people riding they're Chinese very

successful as well a very successful woman oh successful at being a woman mmm and then I picture another person from South America but they they're Blasian. They were. No. No. What about this? Blasian saddles. Just, we remake. Just squeezing a little bit more out of, out of Mel Brooks right before he dies.

Mel Brooks before he goes. That was his last contribution. I think he's about to make, they're like remaking, or they're about to make a sequel to Spaceballs. Really? I think so, yeah. That beloved film, Spaceballs. Yeah, and so this one, it's a remake,

but then it's about, instead of the sheriff being black Is the sheriff is blazian and then this town? is just Not been used to people Having as quite as many well, they're used they're used to interracial couples, but just not a lot of people breeding That's it and so so they don't accept a sheriff. They can't believe that the sheriff would be...

I think I'm going to become a Spaceballs, a really toxic Spaceballs fan. Like the, you know, because I think parody movies need parody fans so Spaceballs is a parody of Star Wars I'm gonna become a toxic Spaceballs fan I'm gonna complain about I don't know what what happened what was the what was the guy John Candy John Candy he was the he was the Wookiee in that yeah he wasn't he was the Wookie in that yeah he wasn't he wasn't a quarter Wookie he wasn't called Chewie what was he called was he called like fart or something like that could have been far too much I don't I don't think I've seen the movie

bath he might have been called bath anyway. Anyway. Yeah. Look, I've written it down. I think the idea of it. A parody fan, a toxic space boss fan is a funny idea. Oh, they ruined my childhood. By ruining this parody of this movie. They lost sight of what the parody movie was supposed to be about. ruining this parody of this movie. They lost sight of what the parody movie was supposed to be about. They bring in Gigi Abrams to try and fix the script. This is just fan service, you're just giving me more characters called fart.

It wasn't having the number of characters called fart that we wanted we liked it was and had an original name it was a name we'd never seen on a person fart not that not that we liked characters all we'll just give them more characters called fat that's not the same thing I want you to come up with unit well maybe one called burp maybe one called pass this is good man I think we should wrap it up Alastair all right well I guess I'll have to take us through these sketch ideas the five sketch ideas that we have Andy we have ranch and bacon bits drink superfood you can just call it a super food I saw the video the other day where a guy was talking about how the potato is a superfood I'll take it I mean I'm excited about it maybe all food is superfood yeah maybe people just don't

realize what food is. No, I think, I think cause he was like, potatoes get a bad rap because like, you know, they're mostly chopped up into fries and, you know, and things like that. And you get them pre-packaged and processed and things like that. But, and that's how most potatoes are being eaten.

But actually a potato is very good for you. I love to hear that. Yeah. You know, if you have it, not like that. It's quite a good, it's full of stuff. You know, that's why it was such a good food to have as a monocrop when you were living in those ancient days where they had the famine. Yes.

That country, pasta spool and the grease trail that it creates and the marketing around that that will help improve your life and love life. Look and love. And then we got the Quantum of Solace film. This comes from this production company that always calls their films the name of a big famous film. Yes. And about a dog, how a dog pat is the smallest unit of solace. Um, and we have the witness protection style service for regular people. Mm hmm. That's going to be great. Such a good idea.

Best idea we've ever come up with. That's right. That was my, our idea. That was my, our idea. That was our, our idea. That was my, our idea. Premium police service. That's where they actually go look for your stuff and. We started offering a new thing.

Yeah. Just $5 extra. You can get premium policing. And you get up to five pullovers on the road as well per month. Yeah, that'd be great. And that are completely free, which means that they will start pulling more people over because they want to, you know, as a company still want to try to like get some of that extra money, you know, like if they wanna get you beyond your five,

but then they'll also be pulling over more people who don't have premium and therefore generating even more income through them. It's starting to make a lot of sense. Then we have the gimmick hospital where they're mean to you. That's the Karen hospital. They have the operating. What about Karen, but it's about car in see a like care care care and yes health care and health care and I'll work on it well

I mean we could just have it spelled Karen and then just write health care hospital. Yeah, okay. Then we have the operating theater restaurant hospital. We have the... I love that the word restaurant faded into that. Sorry. I know, that just needs to be re-claimed. But I think people could get meals.

Because they do have a canteen anyway. They do have food in hospitals. Yeah, you just go get a meal at the canteen, then you can go watch the show. Yes. This is the theater warden, whatever they're called. He was trying to come up and was like, we're not selling enough meals. How could we get more people in? People who aren't sick,

which will give them, you know, which will also put them in contact with more sick people, which will bring more people into the hospital. Make them more sick. But also I think from a hospital's perspective, one of their biggest problems is probably sick people and getting in more people who aren't sick could be a, could really help their numbers. Oh yeah, they can get them in and out faster. Yeah. We have the crotch crotch, which is

also linked to the billionaire riding a scissored crotch like a human segway. And you know, all the stuff that comes with that and then we have a... Did that idea come from pigeon, falcon, berigut? Yeah that was pigeon and pie falcon. I'm sure Alex Lloyd is very satisfied with that transformation and we have the a parody fan the toxic space balls fan mmm feels as terrific his childhood is being ruined and you think you may have come up with a type of fan that actually does exist but yeah probably but that's okay Be-dee-dee, dee-dee-dee, dee-dee-dee, boo-boo-boo. Did you laugh a little bit? No, because we both hit almost the same sound accidentally.

Really? Yeah. That first note, if anybody goes back and listens to that first note, we almost got like a like one of the worst sounds I've ever made. This is completely fine. Okay, great. Thank you everybody for listening. You're terrific. We do adore you. We are so lucky to have you.

So lucky to have you in our lives at this point. Also, I'm going to look for, you know what I was thinking of? Is that clip from Toon the Think Tank 400th episode where at some point, I think it was about the word boobs. You went a little rant about the word boobs. I wanna find that. Maybe the word boob. Me?

Yeah. And I remember you hit like five points about boob very quickly. And I want to find where that is. And then post that as a clip. I can't imagine what that could be. Oh, I mean, I guess am I pointing out something about how the two O's look like boobs

and the B's also look like boobs? I think so, yeah. I think it probably could be that. Yeah, right. Yeah. Oh, okay, great. Oh, cool. All right. I love to hit points about boobs. Yeah, right. Yeah. Oh, okay, great. Oh, cool. All right, I love to hit points about boobs.

So if anybody knows where that is, let me know. In the Discord, recently, Lizzie shared a funny clip of me ranting to you about the Galapagos Islands. So if you're not in the discord go and check that out okay pretty funny yeah great I would love I don't think I've heard that one even though I am in the discord so I gotta go back and find it mm-hmm it's not it's not too far back all right yeah we're having a good time over there yeah

thanks so much everybody and have a great life. And we love you. Bye. Bye. Hi, it's Fido. Start the semester with a new phone and a plan full of data without breaking your budget. We have everything you need for an A-plus year. Come check out our special back to school offers. They'll leave you with more cash in your pocket for the stuff you love.

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