Two In The Think Tank - 436 - "I LOVE A SYNDROME"

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

Half of Centrists Killed. Take the left path, Shark rescue squad, clickers wrist, 3 man click, Gaia Boxing Hypothesis, Love CommandosThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Check out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

permanent format for my lasagna party I found a picture of it on the internet Hello and welcome to 2 in the Think Tank the show where we come up with 5 sketch ideas I'm Andy and I'm Alistair G.W.T. Burchell mmmm right and um Andrew I'm so glad to have you here G W T Burchell. Right. And Andrew, I'm so glad to have you here.

You know, I mean, there was a Buddha and he did say, he did talk about the middle path. Would there be a guy out there that's actually like, nah, the left path? Okay. Okay. Now just, let's say I know nothing about the Buddha in the middle path. I've never heard of this. But so I don't know what the middle path entails. Sounds like

he's a centrist and fucking I think all centrists should be killed. Oh, actually actually that's not quite true. I think 50% of centrists should be killed. Just half of centrists, right? That's the middle way. And the other half, their loss should be made better. Twice as good to balance it out. What? What? I don't think we should kill all centrists. I think we should kill half of centrists. Right? They'd love that. No. Andy, no. I want you to know that I think that this guy who says that you should go the left path, it is entirely based off of what he heard the Buddha said, but it is also not at all linked to the political left. All right.

Okay, sure. Can I just say though, Alistair, just pause for a moment. Is there anything in kill half of centrists as a sketch idea? Yes, but I want you to take me through a little bit more of the thinking because I think I half get it but I'm not a hundred percent Well, you know centrists believe in compromise. Yeah, okay, and

they I think they're often criticized for Accepting because as the right moves further right so does the center and moves further right, so does the centre. And for people on the left, that feels like, well, then the compromise gets greater and greater to pander to these people who we have nothing in common with and we believe are a fundamentally bad faith, right, on the right. So why would we choose the centre? Okay. So I am comedically taking that position and saying, look, I don't think we should kill all centrists, right? Because, so, and I'm accepting their idea

that the center lies in the midpoint between the two extreme views. Now, if some, one of the extreme views is kill all centrists, okay? And the the the other that would be sort of a center right interest That would be a center right sort of philosophy and then a center left philosophy would be kill no centrists kill no centrists So I'm saying really then the center lies in kill half of centrists. Yeah Position should agree with me beautiful Beautiful centrist position. Exactly. Yeah. Well Andy, I'm 100% on board and it is written down.

Great. We're both 100% agree. Now that we've done your thing that has substance and meaning and things like that, can we go back to my- Oh, and lest we forget the satirical heft, Alistair. Yes, the satirical heft. Now, can we go back to my completely pointless thing? Where a guy... Yes, I'd love that.

Remember, and I've even made a point, that it's actually not connected to any kind of metaphorical use of the word left. So don't worry about that. There's no chance of this having any meaning. It's literally a guy who's seen somebody be a spiritual leader and he's thought, well, I could do that. And he's heard the word center, center path, the middle path, the middle maybe. And then he thought, well, what's different that I could do? And be a sort of a, and then he says the left path. And sometimes when there is only one path, he says,

well walk on the left side of the center path. The middle path. Okay. I mean, I like the, I like a spiritual leader where they don't use any metaphor right and so this spiritual leader he is literally talking about literally moving walking on the left path and whenever people try and read any deeper spiritual meaning into it hmm he it quite every reacts quite angrily.

Yes. I mean, if he's the, and that makes sense to me, right? I mean, if he's the voice of God, right? If God is speaking through him or he has access to some sort of higher knowledge, why would God speak in cryptic metaphor? Why wouldn't absolutely everything be literal? And I think he makes a good point. Am I following what you were saying here or have I followed your idea?

Andy, Andy, I think it's completely, I think when I started to write it down, I didn't hear the last couple of sentences that you said. Perfect. That's how I like it. But Andy, I love that because I can fill that space with whatever I want Well, I've actually built the way that you operate into my Into the way that I communicate so I now add two extra sentences of meaningless bullshit onto the end It's like the little bit at the end of the banana that has that brown stick inside it. I include that. It's meant to be thrown away.

I now finish my last two sentences by plugging something that you would really disagree with. That's right. And what would that be that Alistair strongly disagrees with? So something that I really disagree with Satire? I mean, you know, I like everything in in in certain contexts. Yes, it's true What about? What about just like well, I know I thought about this getting eaten by a human-sized bug. As in that's what I would plug? That's what you could be plugging. You could be promoting that.

Yeah, I was thinking that just before we started the podcast, I was thinking that slightly along those lines, because I feel like fish are almost, and sharks, they're almost a human-sized bug, right? And that we know, you know, what we know about sharks and crocodiles is that they love to latch onto a human being in the water and thrash around but is there

some way that we could use sharks like when they have truffle pigs and they put a they can also smell you a long way away in the water right sharks yeah and we use truffle pigs to sniff out truffles and then we put like a muzzle over them or something so that they just don't eat the truffles straight away. What if we could have some kind of like mouth guard type thing that we put over the teeth of a great white shark? Yeah. And I'm not saying I want to have the job of fitting this to the shark. No. But you know it could be a well-paid position for experts. But you could also maybe put a little bit of meat in there and then they'll go put it on themselves. That's really good. That's working smart not

hard Alastair. I love that. Andy are you getting to a point where you're about to talk about a seeing eye shark or a seeing nose shark? A smelling nose shark. So that we can find maybe people who are lost at sea and bleeding a little bit. That's exactly right. Yes. Electro-sensitive perception or something. But yes, that there would be these, some sort of a crack team of government sharks. Great government, great walk, great walk.

Great walk. Great walk White Rescue Sharks! Mmm, exactly! We sent a whole flock! Yes, I heard! Great White Rescue Sharks release them into the Atlantic and they home in on the drowning sailors or whatever it is and they grab them in their powerful jaws and they thrash them around a bit but then somehow they also swim home with them in their mouth. Maybe the mouth guard has some sort of inbuilt breathing apparatus that the person can place into their mouth. Okay? breathing apparatus that the person can place into their mouth okay I mean it'd be great if all the sharks were sort of going out there and one had like a you

know like a like a floating implement another one had a warm hot cup of cocoa you know you get a full meal wouldn't be wouldn't be surprised if it works so well that at some point it could just be a way of delivering food at resorts when you just want to go out for a swim and you can have a exactly you know essentially a great white shark waiter a shark bar a shark perfect they already that that little white front it always looks already looks a little bit like they're wearing a tuxedo. I'm really excited for this. That yeah, like a swim up bar, right? But a swim up bar, so like there's a pool.

Oh yes, a swim up bar. And you can swim up to the side and get your whatever. But this is the bar that swims up to you because it's strapped to the back of a great white shark with its mouth filled with some sort of foam insert. It could just be like as it gets close to a human, I don't know how it will detect it, but maybe it just releases meat into the shark's mouth so it thinks that it's eating already.

That's great. And the shark is instantly full. It's either that. Yes. It's either that or it's just, or it's just been rubbered up a little bit. And then when it just kind of gums at you a little bit. Yeah, well, that's what I was picturing

that it's sort of gumming at your leg while you are plucking the cocktails off the table. It's actually a beautiful massage Sure on the way and on the way back the shark was massaging my arm so well It cured my carpal tunnel I actually came back Yes. Mm-hmm. No, I'm just saying it's one of my favorite syndromes. I can't say that I... because a syndrome... a syndrome's bad. Like ultimately, it feels like syndromes don't

kill you. You've never been killed by a syndrome. Is that right? I've never been killed by a syndrome. I think it's a... so you might be able to live with a syndrome and so and as such They it's possible to develop a fondness for syndromes And I think carpal tunnel could be syndrome Ophelia But what about this carpal tunnel it does sound like a tube between those two goldfish tanks. I always think carpool tunnel yes which would be a tunnel that you can only use if you have somebody in the passenger seat and a sore wrist from clicking clickers wrist

clickers wrist clickers wrist that would have been big during in the barbershop years oh man you know yeah clickers yeah absolutely you know clickers tendon you know clickers wrist you know and then some people are like oh yeah I'm not even able to use my middle finger anymore to do I'll go a click with my pinky Wow, but then you develop a whole new technique and maybe that would revolutionize the whole clicking game create a two-handed click One wonder if you could sound a two-hand clicking I Wonder if you could do a click

you could mimic a click. You could mimic the click, but with your arm holding back your other arm and then it flicking up against your belly. Wow. Yeah, I mean how is that different to slapping your tongue? It's the, it's like, you know, it's the, well, you know what I'm trying to say. It's like, it's the, well, you know what I'm trying to say. What's it's like, it's the capacitor style that allows you to do more energy

because I think to actually slap yourself, you've got to consciously make that choice, right? Sure, sure. To release that much energy. Yes, and so there are limits on how much energy your body will release in that situation. But if you are able to build it up, power up that belly slap by, as you say, storing energy in the tendons and in the muscles and the strain potential energy in your arm that's

building up and building up. Imagine the kind of belly slap you could achieve this could be big Alistair you could this could be the first falls be flop of belly belly of slapping your belly of jazz music the full finger the full finger click is The full finger click. Is it? Yeah, and I feel like maybe you're hitting your belly just with the tips of your fingers. Oh wow. Like you're using clicking. So it's still just the finger making the thing.

Yeah, well I think it's just like a bigger click. Mmm, no you're right. Why wouldn't that work? Andy, you're entirely correct. I wish I could argue with you. Maybe this could be what brings barbershop back, could revolutionise. And we'll let somebody else, we'll let somebody else discover what sound it makes when you slap it with your arm. You know, leave some discoveries for other people. I wonder if you could do a sort of a two-person click.

Oh, using their full- a three-person click where it's one person's full body pressing up against another person right on the edge. Yeah. And then the other person moves slightly away and as you- Releasing that person who flicks down a wax. You lay him wax with third person But I think it's probably still just one finger, right? Uh that you're clicking with that is then hitting still that same point on that on the third person's

uh hand but Really essentially the whole body of that middle person becomes a finger. Oh yeah, let's see if I can do it like this. Are you getting two other people around you? No, I was just trying to see if I could do it with my head as the thing blocking my hand from going and then use my other hand as the hand. Don't know. But what I...

I mean, this would be... I feel like this would be devastating for the body of the person in the middle. Like, I think that this could really what could be great about this is it would really take the heat off though like American football and boxing in terms of the long-term traumatic injuries that it's causing to the participants and maybe this is what to take the heat. In the CTE ward. The ultimate clicking league. What are you in for? Yeah, well, sort of extreme barbershop clicking. Yeah, it's another three man click injury.

Not another. A three man click massacre, tragedy. A three-man click gone horribly wrong. Yeah, I mean, it's a, but you know, like the arguments would be, well, between consenting adults we should be allowed to choose to click like this. But then the burden that it's placing on the health system is so enormous. And the families of those involved. Sure, you gotta think about the families.

I mean, the families, they wanna be supportive because it's their passion. But this little town, this little town, their high school barbershop squad is just the pride of the town. Yeah. You know, and they've been winning state finals, you know, and they're going to the nationals and there's nowhere that, you know. They're not going to do the...

You know, if these kids aren't in this Barbershop quartet, and this is only four kids. They are gonna be out in town just committing crime. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers.

Yeah. No, I mean, I think that this is great. I think that this is sort of this world and the showdowns between barbershop quartets at regional and state finals have this same sort of arms race of people trying for bigger and bigger, uh, moves and stunts and performances. And this becomes the thing that everybody is doing this click. Yeah. I mean, you never, um, you never hear about a sport or a performance style where the goal is to like knock out the crowd. Like imagine like being able to make a sound that's so powerful that the goal is for like the crowd

if you if you knock out the crowd or even some of the crowd you win that art. win that art. Well this has always been my criticism is that the total knockout in boxing, it doesn't feel total enough for me. It's really to me, in that we are all one, as we are all together on this rock in space, it can only ever be a partial knockout unless you I subscribe to the Gaia hypothesis and in that of boxing knockout boxing a total lockout would require one to temporarily mentally incapacitate the entirety of life on earth. I'm writing down the Gaia hypothesis of boxing. This is the one boxing organisation that... But yes, yes, they if you really want to unify all the all the Belts all the whatever it is in boxing all the belts. You got to get this last one

Yeah, so I What I'm not to not to toot on our own trumpet Alistair, but what I Really enjoyed about the three-man clique is that I feel confident that that particular unit of bullshit has never been said by anybody else in the history of humanity. So it's one of the dreams of this podcast is to have a few original thoughts. We are minting previously undiscovered nuggets of pure nonsense. Chuggets, as we call them here.

Chuggets. Liquid nuggets. It's the official... Liquid nugget of the Tune and Think Tank podcast. Do you think the Chugget is the official liquid of the podcast? Well, I think... I definitely think it's the Liquid Nugget. It's the official Liquid Nugget for sure. Mmm. Okay.

And then... you know, and then I have to... I would need more conc... ...complative time. I would need more contemplative time. I would maybe need to, you know, have a time discussing this with the scholars. Sure, sure, to truly pin down whether or not this is the. The scholars on the Discord. Yeah, we'll put it to the panel and hope we can achieve a quorum.

Honey, I achieved a quorum last night. Honey? Is this a sequel to Honey I Shrunk the Kids? Honey, I achieved a quorum what to me a quorum is where you were at an orgy yeah and you are able to get is it is a quorum 60% or 70% of the attendance at the orgy to orgasm simultaneously. How is it spelled? Cause when I looked it up just then it came up with Quran.

Q-U-O-R-A-U-M-Q-U-O-R. Minimum number of members of a group necessary to constitute the group at a meeting. Sure. Cause yeah, is three an orgy? Or is three a three? No, I don't think so. I think this comes back to the philosophical question of when is a lot of rice become a pile? Is that right? Is that the thing we always talk about? So when does a...

Oh look, I reckon if it's more than three, it's probably an orgy. It's probably a quorum of orgy, is that right? A quorum, the quorum of an orgy? A forgy. Is it, would it be an orgy quorum? Is that how you would say that? A quogy, I think I'd call it a quogy. A quogygy? I think I'd call it a quodgy. A quodgy, of course.

Sorry about this, everybody. Andy, this is in no way- I've really lowered the tone. By using the word quorum that I had to look up. Yes. Yes, Andy, yes. Andy, I mean, this is insane, but technically you said that you needed this to be a short one and we do have one, two, three, four, five, six things written down. That's ridiculous.

I'll take it. Would it be crazy for me to go? And this episode is like a week late almost we have three words from a listener Andy and That listener today is James Roy James Roy James Roy James Roy and and I was wondering if you wanted to guess the words that James Roy Sent any say James okay as is a Patreon supporter and that's why he can send in these words. I believe the first word is understudy. Let me have

a look. No, no, no, no, but it's also not close. So the first word is effective effective is the second word altruism let me have a look no but it starts with the same letter and it does have a T in it the second word is affection. Effective affection is the third word protection. Did you say protec-she? Protection. Protection? No. It's offensive.

Effective affection. Offensive. effective affection offensive yeah effective they're effective affect affection offensive I mean it sounds like that description of a hug it does doesn't or you know starting being the instigator of a hug. Well, what this makes me think of, Alastair, is a kind of a world in which, um, uh, we... I feel like you're going to suggest a type of crack squad. You're very close. You know I love to suggest a crack squad.

But I was thinking that, you know, if we need love, not war, what if we turn love and affection into the way in which we attack people? So a love invasion of a of a neighboring country. This is a very... with these giant machines which are able to give hugs to tens or hundreds of people at the same time. Yes well like you know you could imagine sort of like a you know a sort of mech bot of some sort that would allow you to amplify your hugging... An exoskeleton. Hugging power. Tenfold.

Yeah, the warmth of your embrace. Yeah. This embrace isn't just warm. This is... It's actually hotter than the surface of the sun. I mean, Andy, what a beautiful compromise. That you know, to not wage war war but to wage war through love. Yeah and I don't think it is hurting people. Well I mean I think it is an

it is just an attempt to be more loving. Yeah but Andy imagine to a point that is undeniable it's sort of love bombing. But it's like, it's imagine if you, what you were doing essentially was militarized, you're essentially militarizing Jesus. Right. Yes. I mean, I believe this has been done at certain points in history. I know, not in the way that you're in. But I'm saying like each individual is like literally given love to the point where they convert their given love and this is an army that gives unconditional love and support

and charity. Yeah. But while wearing tactical gear and. But they also won't take no for an answer and they are marching on the Capitol to give love to the President. Like you can picture let's say the president tied up in the in the basement after being kidnapped from the capital and is at some

undisclosed location mmm and they are trying to he's he's like refusing love Wow yeah all these barriers are are up. He regards himself as unlovable. That's what he was trained by the CIA to do. Because they could see that this was a very likely thing. Is this President Mark Maron? This is... I mean, I could think of no better person to play the President in this film. He doesn't think... that's the thing. He doesn't think he's worthy of love. And that's why he puts up so many barriers. You wouldn't believe how unworthy of love this guy thinks he is. That's why we made

him the president. I told you. So that he was incorruptible. I told you why. Like that my head, a very brief interaction that I've read way too much into with Mark Maron at the artist bar in Melbourne. That one year he was there and I'd seen on Twitter that he'd been to the to the markets and I was like oh hey what kind of food you get at the markets and he'd been to the markets. And I was like, oh, hey, what kind of food did you get at the markets? And he goes, I had the sausage. Like that, and I could feel him pushing me away

just in that answer. And this is exactly one of the exact manifestations of why I think he's perfect to play the president in this. And so then the guy has to bring out lovelier and lovelier forms of sort of love, giving torture. Yes. The office, the lengths they're willing to go to,

to show and prove their love. And it's, and it is true and pure and real, their love for this president. Oh yeah, absolutely. Because they love everybody. That's right. And sometimes, you know, some people have been trained. It's a crack squad, not a butt crack squad, Andy.

Now, here we go. It's a crack squad that has been specifically trained to go and love the president. You know, they've been briefed after. Oh, to get in and get out. Yeah, they know him and things like that. And so there is one of these guys, he's one of the last men standing.

He's got the president and he's gotta convert him. And so, yeah, so then you start hearing like a, vroom, kind of sound and he's like, oh no, what's next? Shut the gates, you know, Mark says. So yeah, so then you start hearing like a vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv He's developed a beautiful portrait that shows Mark who he is in a way that he'd only ever dreamed that someone would see him this purely. You know, only someone who truly understands him and cares about him would put this amount of time and craftsmanship into that beautiful,

you know, it's his favorite type of wood too, which I don't know. He wouldn't, you know, know he's not obviously he wouldn't just be an oak guy he's he loves a he loves a sort of like a more alternative kind of wood maybe something like a spruce maybe a she oak which is actually a soft wood I think they're... Soft wood. Is it? A she-oak. I think it's more of like a... A she-oak is actually like a conifer. Mmm, that's true. Are these the... Would you call these people Love Commandos?

They're Love Commandos. I just... I think the title... I know you'd never use this. Yeah. But I would be really happy if you did a show called Alastair Trombley virtual love commando All right, I'll just write in love commandos Great

You know commandos I Mean because I mean that it's like it's the hardest one, but I think that an army where you basically have to convert Every other member of the army without hurting them to your side. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And bear in mind that the other army, they are using real guns. They are not... Oh, yeah, they're using...

They are not love-givers. Oh, absolutely. They're using violence. Yeah, they're using violence and bombs and... They're using the Havana syndrome. Mm. Oh, no, it sounds better than it is, doesn't it? The Havana syndrome, it sounds like you've got a case of putting your feet up and drinking rum. It's the only Havana syndrome, and I love a syndrome Alastair. I know youair. That's the only syndrome that I don't. Maybe I love a syndrome is a great title for this episode. The love between a man and a syndrome. There's nothing more pure.

Alastair, I reckon we're done here. Can you take us through the words written on the page? Andy, how dare you. Stop calling them sketch ideas. Andy, how dare you try to not call them sketch ideas. You're telling me that kill half of centrists is not a sketch idea. You're trying to tell me that take the left path,

spiritual leader, no meaning is not a sketch idea. You're trying to tell me that's a smelling nose shark rescue squad is not a sketch idea you're trying to tell me that the clickers wrist is not a it's not a sketch idea you're telling me the full the full-arm finger click is not a syndrome the three-man click Wow TMC And finally you're telling me that love and you're telling me the Gaia hypothesis of boxing is not a sketch You're trying to tell me that the love commandos is not a sketch. I don't think so Andy Andy what an efficient episode.

What an efficiently almost week late episode. We do deliver it late but then we do deliver less as well. I think that cancels out. Oh my, we're nothing if not disappointing. Under promise and still under deliver Thank you so much for listening to in the think tank You guys are cool, we're cool, let's hang out sometime.

Oh man, when Andy has time in 2030. I've got a good feeling about 2030, it's going to be my year. Anyway, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. To think about, just as a thought, 2025, which means 2027, 2029, 2020, 2030 is gonna be a great year for you, Andy, because you won't have to do a hundredth episode. Oh.

And you will have hopefully survived 500 then 600 and then 700. There's no way we're still gonna be doing it. Imagine. After 500. Just imagine. It's only just starting to get good now. And we love you. Bye. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details.

We got you. Rogers.