Two In The Think Tank - 437 - "JAMES BONG"

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

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Alastair, yes Andy, well turns out that you were on an episode of The Gargle. Oh that's right, thank you for reminding me Andy, yes, with Alice Fraser and it was very fun and Jaws Norris. Geez, if you like listening to me, and I suspect sometimes you might, maybe you're here just for Andy, but if you do then you should go check out the latest episode of the gargle Man if people are here just for Andy they're gonna love these little plugs you do where it's just you pretending to be both of us Hello and welcome to to in the think tank show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy.

And I'm Alistair, George William Drombley-Burgell. Hey, can I just say, apropos of the plug you did earlier, you were really great on the gargle. I listened. Thank you, Andy. I had a terrific time and I enjoyed the other guy who was on as well, but I don't know his name Jaws Norris Jaws Norris was really good. Yeah. Yeah, just very silly very silly and I think that's that really helped me a lot because it's like, you know, I I can respond well to silliness.

You can play in the silly pit. I can play in the silly pit, which is, you know, the ball pit of, you know, because I think of comedy ideas as being spherical, silly ideas particularly. Edgy ones are obviously are sharp, they're pointy and silly ones are rounded. And that's why it's safe for you to play in there. Isn't that interesting that we've sort of we're working on filling pits with spheres of exponentially greater size.

So we start with obviously the swimming pool, which is a pit filled with atom sized spheres, or probably molecule sized spheres. And then of course the sand pit, which is a larger, let's call it a sphere, even though it's probably a crystalline shape. So far two other things I've said probably not spheres but stick around because the third one oh my goodness the ball it's gonna get real ball pits are often even smaller. I think we're taking we're filling smaller and smaller pits with bigger and bigger spheres.

Ending of course with the egg cup. No, wait. A ball pit. It really should be called a balls pit. Don't you think? You know what? I mean, a ball pit would just be one pit. I guess unless you can refer to a quantity of balls as there's a lot of ball in here. That's the thing, we can with sand, but I don't know that that applies to balls. But maybe it has been applying, and now you're trying to, it's like,

and we've been living with it for so long, and we've been fine, Andy. Everybody has been fine, right? And now you're trying to go, actually no, we don't do that, but we do, Andy. If anything, the whole reason you're bringing this up is because we do. Don't go starting anything.

Don't go starting trouble, okay? Everybody's been getting along okay. With nobody bringing this up, sort of an unspoken thing. Try not to draw attention to it. And then here you are fucking it up for everybody. Yeah. We got a good thing going here. All right, we've been getting away with it.

And you're ruining it. I'm the guy at the ball pit at the play center. Yeah. When some linguist comes in and starts causing trouble. We've got a couple of linguists in there. It could even just be a regular guy. Shouldn't it be balls pit? You know what?

Get out. Get out now. I mean, it could be a regular guy Alastair. In my version. It's two linguists. The guy who runs the ball pit is also a linguist? No no no. Just listen! I know I've been talking on my own for a long time.

But I'd like to talk on my own for a bit longer, thank you. It gives him some defensive heft, you know? But it also makes him sad. It seems like, you know, why is he now resorting to running a ball pit? Could he not make it as a linguist? Maybe this is that he wanted to get out of the linguist game, right?

He thought, what can I do that's just free of those constraints, right? But just when he thought he was out, they pull him back in, right? He's there running the children's play center. Another linguist comes in and starts stirring up shit. It's like when, what's the name? John Wick, you know, he's out of the contract killing game, but then somebody comes around and contract kills his dog or whatever, and then he's back into contract killing. He's just trying to live his life. Well, this is a linguist. He's tried to get out of linguistics because it's too combative.

He doesn't want to live that life anymore. Running a children's play center, a linguist comes in, starts, but they're from a different school of linguistics. One of them is a functionalist and one of them's a definitionalist. I don't know what the different characterist groupings of linguists are. But then he starts, the guy who's come in starts shouting and really stirring things up down on the floor. And so this linguist has to, I guess he presses a button and a whole wall of his office retracts

and there's a whole lot of dictionaries in there. And some plaid suits with the professorial patches on the elbows. The professorial patch. the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... That they're leaning and thinking and scratching their heads so much that they're wearing the elbows out. Is that what it is? Maybe. Or they've been fighting their way to the front of the canteen line so vigorously that they've been wearing out the elbows. But I think in the John Wick format that you're talking about of the, because there's other films that are like that, obviously the, it's a retired, you know, special ops person or assassin or something like that.

Commando, yeah. Yeah, Commando, and also a little bit like the Long Kiss Good Night or The Bourne Identity, you know, somebody who's completely lost their, this is slightly different, but the idea that they don't realize that they're actually like a You know like a debating You know debate destroying machine

Alistair it's so funny that you bring that up last night in bed. I was this is fucking crazy Yeah, I was lying there thinking of a Superhero who is a high school debater and their skill is that they're very good at high school debating. And so they are part of, I guess, part of the Avengers or whatever. And they just use high school debating to win fights with bad guys. An elite debater uses- But for some reason it has to be high school debating. I don't know.

An elite high school debater who uses rhetorical tricks. And introduces every sentence by thanking the madam adjudicator and the timekeeper. The timekeeper. That's a great name for a superhero. What do they do? They can stop fights by just ringing a bell. That's what they can do. But not ringing your bell. Not like clockingny in the head and making your brain film. No Is that is that a saying yeah, is that what they call it in? Oh, yeah, you know a big fight He had his bell rang. He had his bell rung

mmm, all rang Yeah, no, I was saying rung as in W-R-U-N-G. Oh wow. That's a strong man competition. The bell-ringing. The bell-ringing. The bell-ringing. So you get a really big brass bell, okay, and the strong men have to grab the bell with their two hands and then twist the brass in their bare hands until the clapper falls out.

The guy who can squeeze the most moisture out of their bell wins. They've got it, they're squeezing it over a measuring cup. Sure, I mean I don't know why that's the bit that I love so much, but yes. Measuring cup. Measuring cup. I mean, I thank you for appreciating it on whatever level you did. Even if it was just some sort of muscle memory to chuckle at the end of a sentence I still

I've still really Love love that you did that and thank you It's like and I'm sure I've said this on the podcast at least once but that time that we were having a meeting with Lee and We were talking about what we could have in a video version of My Client is Innocent. And then I said, and we could have visual gags. And he went, that's great. Visual gags.

No, I said, that's so funny. That's what I said. Visual gags. I said, oh, that's so funny. That's so funny. And I was right. I stand by it. That would be so funny.

That is so funny. Visual gags is so funny. Yeah. They're one of the funniest types of comedy. That's so funny. That's so funny. Where's the lie, Alastair? Where's the lie?

No. Where's the lie? I wishair? Where's the lie? No. Where's the lie? I wish I could find one, Andy. Thank you. Yet I am absolutely being pummeled by truth at the moment. Mm-hmm, surrounded by truth. What do you think is an example of- Ferocity is elbowing you in the testicles.

What do you think is an example of like truth being able to hurt somebody the most? Let's see, probably cancer diagnosis? I mean really the cancer is doing a lot of the pines. So you want physical hurt, you don't want to... Yeah, I guess... Yeah, I guess like, you know those things where I guess you find out that somebody who you've loved and thought that you've trusted your whole life

has not been doing the same trust thing back? Yeah, yeah. Or has, you know, I think, oh, I saw that thing about those spies that were taken out of America recently who- Oh, I don't know about this. They're Russian spies who were in that trade the other day. Oh, wow.

A trade with Russia. And they had been posing as being Argentinian the whole time that they were there. And so, and then have been maybe in prison since 2022. And their kids have been in foster care since 2022 and on the plane to Russia, their kids found out that they're not Argentinian and that they are in fact Russian but don't speak a word of Russian. Yeah. I mean do they speak a word of Argentinian?

I think their parents had been speaking Spanish to them and stuff like that. They had like... That's deep. Yeah, they had like moved out of Russia, gone to Spain, I think lived as Argentinians in Spain and then gone from there to America. Damn. Yeah. I mean, I like to think that they're still trying to keep it up.

They're still trying to keep it up. They're still maintaining it. They'd be like, why are you sending me in this prisoner exchange to Russia? Guys. I mean, I think the craziest thing would be that your parent would maybe stop using their, like maybe they were using a fake voice with you,

like a fake accent with you the whole time. Yeah. Well, I mean, in in a way is that what you've been doing with your children Alastair? You know you were raised French speaking? Yeah. I mean the fact that your story, a little suspicious if you ask me, because you're born in Scotland right and then they sort of launder you through French Canada, right, to try and wash the Scottish off you. And then that's how they get you into Australia, because we would never let a Scottish person in here. I like as well that your loyalty to Scotland, your ironclad loyalty to Scotland, that

you have for the premise of this, let's call it a joke, is it was formed in how long? How long did it take? Somewhere between six months and 18 months. Well see but that's what it's like over there in Scotland. That's how the culture is so intense. You only need to be dipped in it briefly. Just like, you know, they just held me by the ankle and they dipped me in Scottish culture and the only part of me that is weak to all these other Western cultures that are inferior is that tendon there? I mean, maybe, maybe we could go back in time or we could go back to the original sources and check the translations of the original Greek about that whole Achilles myth and find

out that it wasn't actually his heel, but his mother was holding him by the ball bag. Yeah. And his ball bag was the only bit that wasn't in the water. And that would explain a lot, wouldn't it? That would explain the polar biology. Yes. I mean, why even have the ball bag out? And I understand the whole thing where they say, oh, it's about temperature regulation, but why not just build a sperm that can handle hotter

heats? I agree. I completely agree. And I think this all the time. What is it about sperm that's so like, oh no, we couldn't possibly. We've made everything else work. We couldn't possibly be a degree hotter. Everything else, we've got to be an internal organ. I mean you don't get the heart being like oh, yeah You know I want to be a team player, but I can't be at body temperature You're gonna have your heart dangling off you what if every organ had to be in its own sack Hanging at a different temperature

Ascending and descending in order to maintain the temperature of that individual organ. Every organ has its... What would we look like? We'd look like a bunch of grapes. The human body would look like a bunch of saggy grapes. Yeah. Raisins still on the vine. And whenever you want to hurt somebody, you just choose which organ to squeeze.

Which organ? But I mean, we might wear like brassieres all over our body. Well, but we don't wear brassieres on our balls, do we? That's really well noticed, Andy. But we do tend to wear something there. Underwear. Yes. And though people who often have things

hanging on their chest, they do have procedures a lot of the time. Not all the time. Alan Stair, your high school debating skills have really effectively countered my knee jerk reaction. That's okay. And Andy, are boobs... I apologize. Are... do boobs have to... are they out there because they're following a similar like temperature thing? Like you know because often if something is made big in nature, it's often there so that like it's you know

So that heat can escape more heat. You're thinking of the elephant's ears aren't you? Elephant's ears? I mean, what about that chinchilla's ears? Is that a chinchilla? The chinchilla? I don't know about the chinchilla You know, what about the chinchilla? Had to be a great name. No, it's not the chinchilla. It's not the chinchilla. What's that big-eared desert? animal oh Desert Fox yeah, maybe Desert Fox Yeah They did they have that so that they can cool themselves down

What's a chinchilla? It's a little chinchilla is like a little cute little rat rat thing Rabbit rat it's like a rabbit rat like a little cute little rabbit rat. Rabbit rat. It's like a rabbit rat. Like a rabbit mouse maybe. It's in the rodent, in the par vorder. Caviar Morpha. Ah yes, Caviar Morpha. Caviar Morpha. Alastair, George William Trombley-Burchill.

Just wondering if you've written down any sketch ideas yet because I haven't really been Pausing to no Andy Andy. No, I you haven't been pausing but Andy, you know, I'm on my game You know, I've been doing this too long to let everything slip. Look not everything on here. You're gonna consider a Sketch idea, but you know what Andy? I'm helping us make progress while you're coming up with sketch ideas. No, I knew you were doing it Alistair, but it's been such a blur. Just felt I needed to check in, check how you're doing.

What other reasons would you go undercover into another country? What other reasons would you go undercover into another country? Like what other reasons yeah other than gathering information sort of you know for the state Like okay, let's say could you do could you just could you just do Could you do within your own country? I know this is kind of already feeling like it's getting close to the sort of voluntary, what was the voluntary thing we were talking about the other day? Witness protection thing.

But let's say you are, you just moved to another town and you adopt a new identity. Well, you don't even have to like be full of identity. Like you just never tell anybody who you really are. Right? I guess you do have to say, give them a name sometimes. So I guess you do adopt a new identity. But you know, it'd be great.

It's more like you're fostering a new identity. Yeah. I mean, I like that you're not adopting a new identity, but you're just not telling anybody your old identity. What about this? It's not, it's not. I have no identity. You're not adopting an identity because you're not becoming it full time.

You're just taking the identity of a person who can't really take care of themselves. You're taking their identity, you know, and you're just using it for a little bit. And then, you know, I guess that's kind of what he did. So this is like an Uber of identities. Well, no, this is more like fostering. Okay. Well, what do you think about my suggestion of Uber of identities? Okay. You know, you have an entire identity that you're not using.

Because I guess if they're always trying to steal it, it must have value. Exactly. an entire identity that you're not using. Because I guess if they're always trying to steal it, it must have value. Exactly. Exactly. You could have it for, I mean, I don't use it while I'm sleeping. You know, that's a good 12 hours of the day when my identity is just lying there idle when it could be making me money. OK, so like, I don't know what this means. OK, so like, let me get it. I don't know what this means. I don't know what this idea entails.

Let's just picture it. Let's just see how we could use it, okay? So, okay, so let's say Samantha Platt, she's having a weekend away, and she decides that she's gonna, over the, you know, she's in, what's a town in Australia? She's in Snowtown, for example.

She's in Snowtown and at nighttime, she decides- Just a pick a town at random. I mean, that as far as we know, has no strong pre-existing connections to the ideas of identity theft or unpleasant things happening in other people's names. Okay, go on. Andy, I mean I hadn't thought of the idea. Listeners, the town of Snowtown in South Australia is one where several people were murdered and their bodies dissolved in acid in a bank vault

So that criminals could take their welfare payments. Anyway, carry on I think I found out that apparently They the bodies weren't actually as dissolved as they were hoping that they were gonna be which is why they were able to figure out what had happens. I Think the guys thought that they would be dissolved and maybe they weren't What acid did they use? Balsamic? They used vinegar. Apple cider vinegar? They used acetic acid where they... oh is that vinegar or is that the one that's in ants? I think formic acid is the one that's in ants. Ants have formic acid we

could just crush a bunch of ants and mix it in with water. A bunch of ants. That'd be fine. We'll be saving money on the acid. Where are you getting your acid? If you're buying your own acid, you're a fool. I like the zapposide of vinegar and the people emerge from the barrels unscathed, but with even stronger gut health. So they've been killed, they've been put into the barrel, and then they emerge alive

and with very strong gut bacteria. Gut microbiome. Yes, diversity. Macrobiome. Yes, diversity. Oh. Macrobiome. Anyway, um, ball pits, I just think that there should be an even bigger, a pit with even bigger balls. That's all I'm saying. That's the logical conclusion. Well, I guess there's no boulder pits yet. Yes, here we go.

Like, boulders, but are made of plastic like that. Oh. And it's a big warehouse. What if we discover that the the universe itself is a ball pit? Kind of is isn't it? Sort of is. All these planets. An underfilled one. Mmm yes a lot of space. Anyway as you were. Okay so what were we talking about? You're about to pursue an idea. So she's she's in Snowtown and she notices Andy goes to bed falls asleep at at like 7.30pm.

So she decides to order Andy Matthews' identity and have a night on the town, go to the Snowtown pub as Andy Matthews. Okay? And she comes, she goes in there, you know. Oh, I'm Andy Matthews, she said. She calls out, she kicks open the door holding her My Driver's License aloft. Yeah, well, yeah, it's like just on the phone because I guess it comes during the time while you're renting it, you just get access to all your cards.

I mean, in our sci-fi story, it would probably be that it's my sleeping body that she's able to astral project into somehow and Use my body while I sleep to go out and do whatever she wants But I'm sure this film has already been made I think this dumber version that we're describing is is probably better Yeah, I mean I do like that idea as well though that somebody can use your body while you're asleep And so that you're still asleep in it and that and that they just basically They just like attach they they download their brain into a into a module and they just attach it to your head and Then you and they can override and then run the

attach it to your head and then you and they can override and then run the run your brain on their personality or run their personality on your brain yeah that's correct yes using the my brain hardware my brain all hardware yeah to to compile their self. Yeah, and then it'd be fun, I guess, then they could go out dancing as you and find out what it would be like. And I guess they would, you know, she could put whatever she wants in your belly button. That would happen though, you would get your body back

and it would be like a hotel room, like being a maid at a hotel room and just finding all this gunk on yourself and like scratches and stuff. I think it's a good... She'd like to go out and just get hit by a car. She's like, always wanted to know what it would be like to be hit by a car. She crapped. You know, because that's what happens with like Airbnb. I mean, it is.

And people have parties and they're like, yeah, let's fuck it up. Yeah, yeah. Like a rock star. Yeah. But like, you know, I mean, this would be something for people who have sort of probably hit rock bottom or who really need the money, right?

So to put your body up in this way, and you sort of just live with the consequences, right? So you wake up the morning after and you gotta like, every day this happens, you gotta get all the stuff out of your butt. So it's just like a couple of handfuls of stuff up your butt. I like the idea that you would hold a very powerful magnet

at the outside of your butt. And just all these things would go, ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. Oh, yeah. at the outside of your butt and just all these things would go yep and that's just it you know you're sort of just like dealing with it cleaning up after yeah and then you're you're talking to the all the medical bills they need to be charged on through the insurance like they they're they're they're actually having to Insurance like they they're they're actually having to pay for all that stuff. You know if you fuck yeah, do it like Do a lot of work that body was scratched shit before I took it Yeah, we'd also have to have I guess pretty good

Medical technology in this future that you really can almost come back from pretty much anything Right. Yeah, I mean the hope would be really fucking rooted I know but I think the idea is that like I don't like I you know, obviously it would be great Medical technology was that good but I think that like like Airbnb and like uber whatever you're just trusting the decency of humans Airbnb and like uber whatever you're just trusting the decency of humans Yeah, that's true and and you having to wear the consequences, which is sometimes quite unpleasant is probably a big part of the comedy Yeah, this idea but then and also just like that people would you know, cuz you'd think that initially especially people would think that they could Go commit a bunch of crimes Not realizing that there's a paper trail but yeah you know maybe sometimes they'd be like yeah I'll pay cash yeah no we just go through the app and I go

I'll pay double yeah can you do pay ID yeah no yeah this scammers. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm referencing the pay ID scammers. I still don't know how they get that, but because what they do is they like, because Indiana like sells a lot of stuff online. And she could tell straight away when somebody asked pay ID and then asked for her name and phone number. And she was like,

cause it was like the first time it was like a man trying to buy something. And she was like, this feels very weird. I don't know why, but I'm just gonna. And then I was like, all right, well, let me Google it. Scam, pay ID. And I was like, yeah, people are doing this to scam people. Yeah, my, went back 20 years ago, my friend Terace was trying to sell because we did

sailing together and when we finished doing our big sailing competition she was trying to sell her sailing outfit like you have a very specific sort of offshore like that kind of blue that's quite expensive white that's it yeah a little Yeah, little neckerchief. Yeah. Tap shoes. Tap shoes, yeah. She was trying to sell that online and she'd asked for some amount, right? And it was, you know, they were quite expensive, these outfits. So it was like, you know, a thousand bucks or something. Yeah. And then, uh, straight away, get somebody who's like, yeah, uh, I'll send you a cashier's check, right?

So somebody sends her a check and the check is for twice the amount that, uh, she'd asked for. It's like $2,000. Yeah. Uh, this check arrives in the mail wrapped in aluminium foil. It's very strange. And it's just the check, right, in an envelope wrapped in aluminium foil. And she's like, what do I do? This person sent me more money than it's supposed to be. And so I just looked it up and the first thing that comes up is cashiers, checks, scams,

where people will send you more money than it's supposed to be, right? You put the check into your bank account, or they say, oh, I accidentally sent you too much, can you cash the check and then just send me back the extra thousand dollars or whatever. And you put the check into your bank account and there's this thing where there's like this delay

with cashier's checks, where the bank will put the money into your bank account and there's this thing where there's like this delay with cashier's checks where the bank will put the money into your account before they confirm that they can get it from the other end or something like that. And so it appears in your account, you're like, oh, the money's in there, I've got the $2,000, great. I'll send them the $1,000, no skin off my nose. And then the bank checks it and they're like actually there was no money And they take the two thousand dollars back out of your bank account and so then seems like

Yeah Seems like a stupid thing for the bank to do. Yeah Feels like it creates an opportunity for people to steal Yes, I mean, I would say that all of this bullshit where it's like things take three days to go in. Do they? Do they take three days to go in? Yeah. Yeah. You know. I mean I like that you can just do the electronic transfer and it's almost instant a lot of the time. But then if you do more money. Anyway this is a very interesting topic that I've taken us down. Yeah

I feel good about it. It's a way you can scam people positively maybe you know like You know like could you find somebody who's really desperate in a desperate situation? mmm, I mean this is starting to sound like a mr. Beast video but like Yeah, in a real desperate situation Then you hit them with your car, right? You pay them twice what they ask for Yeah, and then and then you don't Take any money back a

Lot of the time, you know people say at least you got your health But you know when you're at rock bottom bottom maybe you don't need your health anymore maybe what you really need is money so somebody hits you with their car and then you can finally exchange that that worthless health that you had lying around for currency. Well that's why Uber identity would also be great because sometimes you've been, you're really sick. Oh, I wonder if there's like a loophole where let's say you're about to die and you put your mind into that device or whatever

and then you get it attached to somebody else's body and then you just never return the body. I'm sure I mean you better believe that when we turn this into a Christopher Nolan film yeah that's gonna be one of the fascinating permutations that we explore. Yeah oh I love that. Are you allowed to just start making Christopher Nolan films? Well I mean he doesn't seem to be making them at fast enough a rate. You know we know that there's a demand for them and if he's going to go to more things like this Oppenheimer thing, you know, where it's less conceptual and it's more just about the guilt that's on one man's shoulders about what he did. He was actually a pretty good guy actually, but he did a bad thing.

Well, you know. But he am become death. Yeah, well, you know what? That actually, you know, look, it was a fine film, but for some reason it just felt a little bit Wikipedia-ish to me. You know? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. All right, Alistair. So what this is, is that obviously there's demand for Nolan-esque mindfuckery. And there's a lot of people who've become quite dependent on it.

Right? They really need it. And so we are making our own Christopher Nolan films. And there's a lot of people who've become quite dependent on it. Right? They really need it. And so we are making our own Christopher Nolan films. They're not as good. But they can, once people are addicted to prescription opiates, once they can no longer get those opiates, they will look for a similar high elsewhere. So we are down at the park. Sure. Maybe even not even making the films, maybe just describing complicated scenarios to people

for 50 bucks a pop. I think that's good. a tractor that can, when you drive it, you drive to a different dimension. When you drive it forward it actually moves backwards through smell. Oh, I'm really struggling to get my mind around this one. Yes, that's what you wanted, isn't it? Oh, I'm really struggling to get my mind around this one. Yes That's what you wanted. Isn't it? Yes Me another well, it's gonna be another 50 bucks Hey, yeah, take my watch and then and then some people are actually really just trying to recreate the

that high of That unique situation that was Barbenheimer. And so then we've got two people there. He goes, you wanna see two people? One describes a very sort of, you know, a very corporate kind of, you know, materialistic sort of thing, but that's been imbued with sort of social importance and then the other one is something very intellectual.

A historical epic that lays bare the darkness at the heart of man. Of science, man and politics. Inhumanity to man and also physics yeah that's great yeah that barb and high they're chasing that barb and high that barb and high I was thinking about Barbenheimer today what a weird scenario that was a sight it's almost like you'll never you'll never get that exact kind of thing again. Where it was just like two weirdly iconic films by very artsy kind of directors. Opposing types of films being released at the same time and people are like...

It's like sweet and sour pork isn't it? Yeah, yes. The flavors are clashing in my mind. But I think it's really like Barbie was the sweet and sour and Oppenheimer was the pork. Like I don't think the clash was between the sweet and the sour. I think it's between. No, you're right. Pork flavour. I mean, do we do have five sketch ideas?

I wonder if you could make lamb flavoured pork. God, that's a good idea. You know, that could be a new frontier for food. You know what? Meat that tastes like other meat. Oh, and you could make it shaped like it? You know? Maybe we could make meat smoked bacon.

You know how they're always doing like a maker smoked or hickory smoked or whatever it is. Yes. What if the thing that we burn to get the smoke is more meat? What about bacon smoked bacon? We burn bacon and then... This is actually a really good idea Alastair. This is a really good idea. Sorry about pausing to tell you how good an idea this is.

Alastair, this is a tremendous idea. This is a billion dollar idea. Pardon me, I just burped. Bacon smoked bacon So my first burp on pod do you think no I wouldn't be Could know surely so right should I write down bacon smoked bacon Sure, I mean wait wait I can't write that down first when when there was making meat to taste like other meat I can't write that down first when when there was making meat to taste like other meat

it's like Because it's because it's like a you know, like a faux like a faux chicken But but then but then you reveal it to the person who's eating it now. It was a vegetarian That it's all no it was fake fake chicken but I made it with pork. I think that's a really good idea. Tofurkey. And then, yes. And then people are like, porkurkey. What is it with these people that don't eat chicken

that they want to constantly just recreate chicken using pork, a meat that they do eat. They're obsessed with chicken. Meat meat. I can't believe it's not the meat you told me it was. It's a different meat. I can't believe it's a different meat. I can't believe this was smoked with meat. different meat. I can't believe it's a different meat. I can't believe this was smoked with meat. Beyond meat. Beyond the specific meat. I can't believe this to be sure. Oh to be sure to be

sure like the pencil because I'm writing it down. That's how you sure you know it is I'm writing it down. Alastair I don't know if you know this, but have we written five sketch ideas? Yes Andy, I do know this. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Well, well, well. Oh, we're doing well Andy, we're going to get to 400 in no time. Don't tell me that. Would you like to go to three words from a listener? Oh, well if that's the kind of thing that you're into, and if that's the kind of thing that the listeners are into. Yes, we are into it all right then well this brings me to listener Andy do you know this listener Aidan Kane Aidan Kane no the very the

very Aidan Kane I haven't had the't know. The very Aiden Kane. I haven't had the pleasure. I think you have. I think this might be Aiden's second or maybe even third set of words. All right then. But Andy, you can't be expected to remember a person after just two encounters.

Thank you. Yes. Aiden Kane. Aiden Kane. Na na na na na na na, braiding pain. Braiding pain is what I was picturing. Like from, you know, those people who have their hair completely done in braids. I imagine that your skull, not your skull, but your scalp would feel so tight all the time.

That's true. And it would be harder to scratch your head surely. Well I feel like you would have access to some of your scalp much more than you normally do. But then other parts would be under lock and hand. But you know that the itch always goes to the hardest spot to reach. Yes. Anyway that's our sketch idea, see you later! It's often the hardest bits to scratch are under the tightest locks, aren't they Andy? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm flexible elbows. Did you know that? I didn't know that Andy. Andy would you like to try to guess what the first word that Aidan Cain provided as the three words from a listener is a Patreon supporter. Okay the first word is plantain. Oh I was gonna say think before you say and it would have I mean obviously you couldn't have done worse because the first word is

shaka. Shaka. Shaka. Okay, second word, shaka khan. Shaka khan academy. I'm gonna guess all the words. Shaka khan academy. Okay, incorrect. The second word is shakshuka. Oh shaka shakshuka. Yeah you know you

come across as a big shakshuka guy. I don't know what that is. What's shakshuka? It's that breakfast. I feel like maybe we've discussed this before. I'm starting to feel like maybe we've done these letters these words it's that okay breakfast where you know it's like a tomato we kind of thing cooked in a pan maybe with some olive oil and peppers and onion and garlic maybe also common a human paprika and cayenne pepper and then there's some eggs in there You know that Feels like yeah, I'm having a vague feeling that we've done these words before as well but alice there let's put on but I want you to know that the the

The email was Unread so you know the system has to work it must can't. Okay, then the final word is Raksasa. Which is- What does that mean? Remember when we did the Dungeons and Dragons thing for the Sands Pants people. Shut up a second. Sands Pants.

Sands Pants people. And one character was like a cat person. Cat, kind of human. Cass's one was a cat person. Right. That's a Raksasa. Raksasa? Yeah, so Shaka, shakshusa and rakshasa. Not a person who has cats and loves cats. No, I know. Okay. Alright. Shaka and shaka is that cool thing that you do with your hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you poke your thumb and your pinky finger. I think that if we, Andy, I think if we put them all together it's pretty clear.

It's a cat person doing a shaka in somebody's breakfast. Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááá That you know, this is we're reaching sort of like a Picasso level of Ability where we really don't have to try at all, you know, you got to know what the rules are to break them and now we know the rules and The rule is make some effort come up with something interesting. And now. But you could imagine a prank guy, you know, who does just do the shock like this. And then his whole thing is to keep going to people

at like outside terraces, eating meals and stuff, and then keep his chocolate going and just get it into their soup. And keep it going and get it out and then show the, know the dirty hand Wow You know maybe like find one of those you know those big drinks you know those big drinks that they have at like Mexican restaurants in America yeah yeah

big blue drink like that get it in there get it out get into a fight with the guys with the girls boyfriend It seems like there could be a really cool restaurant that you go to or maybe a cocktail bar where all of the cocktails are what they call shaka mixed or shaka shakes. It's called shaka shakes and they mix all of the cocktails by doing the shaka with their hand, plunging their hand into the bowl and doing a really quick shaka shake in there. Oh, they're shaka shook. They're shaka shooken.

Oh, and this would be a really good, maybe this could be for the new James Bond. They're looking for a new direction for James Bond. He goes vodka dry martini, shaka shaken, not stirred. This is a cool new Bond. Yeah, it's it's surfy Bond. Surfy Bond. Surfy Bond. Bond, James Bond, man. Or Bong. Oh Oh this is even better. James bong. James bong yeah. That's really good Andy. Shaka Shook. I mean this idea is obviously, I'm sure if we go and there'll be like 13 short films already on that on YouTube but sure but they won't have a shaka shaken shaka shaken not shaka stirred I mean I think it also though just a sketch about this really cool

cocktail bar With that where everything is shark-a-shakin I'd love to see that I'd love to see that. I mean, it's so unhygienic it's so disgusting the idea of somebody plunging their full hand into your drink and Shaking it around. Yeah, Especially a surfer. You can't imagine they clean their nails all the time. But then the salt water is probably very hygienic. Maybe. So hmm. I mean I've never heard anything bad about drinking ocean water. Has anybody ever do a sharker, right? But then you put your middle finger up in the middle nobody's

doing that right nobody's doing those three fingers no it's kind of like yeah cool fuck off kind of yeah it's pretty good I mean it doesn't actually the shame is it doesn't actually look all that good when you look at it. It doesn't look good but Andy I think we're I think we're post aesthetic now. Oh, that is exciting, isn't it? This is Brad Summer. Pure function. Pure function. And the function here is to tell people, cool, fuck off, I'm cool, fuck off, we're cool.

We're cool, man. What about this though? Hang 10. A meal where it's a whole liquid based restaurant and but here's the kicker. Every meal, somebody has their finger in your meal the whole time. And drink. Oh yeah.

So let's say you are drinking a cocktail but somebody keeps their finger in there the whole time. Is it one of your fellow diners or is it an employee? So like, let's say you are drinking a cocktail, but somebody keeps their finger in there the whole time. Is it one of your fellow diners or is it an employee? No, it's an employee. I never know, do you have to tip the finger guy? How much do you tip a finger guy? Yeah. It's exciting.

Look, it's not a great idea, but. No, it's a good reaction to COVID as well. It's a good thing for people who are very anti- I mean, if we were back in the real COVID lockdown kind of time, it would be a great thing for anti-lockdown, anti-intervention kind of people, anti-government kind of thing to be like, we're actually opening more restaurants than some new kind of restaurant anti-government kind of thing to be like we're actually opening more restaurants and it's a new kind of restaurant called Finkies like you could you could pick yeah It's called pinkies and you go there and it's like you could get so much business from those people and like and they're literally like They want you to spit in their mouth

Like Like, these people are so gullible and you know, but also sometimes make, you know, but like they just, I was about to say, but sometimes make some good points, I don't know what point I was about to say. We're all slipping, we're all slipping a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Okay. We're all slipping, we're all slipping a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Okay. No, but imagine like, I think the freedom you would feel,

you know, if like the rest of the country was like, or you know, the state was locked down and you're running a restaurant and you're spitting in the customer's mouths and they're spitting in your mouth. I think that would just make you high just by itself. You'd just be on this, the loud music would be playing. You'd be, I don't know, making your scrambled eggs or whatever it is you cook there at this restaurant.

Oh, it sounds exquisite, Alastair. It sounds simply divine. Yeah, I think that- And I wish I was there right now. Yeah, the anti-vaxxer response restaurant. Mm-hmm. Right? Restaurant, hi.

Like, I think there would be nothing, almost nothing that would feel as good as just letting all, all of your guards down. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I mean, I imagine that for a lot of people who've been working in hospitality for a long time, this would be such a thrill for them. The last taboo.

Yeah. The last taboo. Shitting in people's food. Just delivering a plate that just was a shit with a little bit of garnish on it. Because you're still at heart, you're still a chef, you know? Yeah, of course. You can take the chef out of the kitchen, the weight, and put them in the toilet. The food safety standards purview, but you can, anyway, go on. Andy, here's the sketch ideas for today. We've got the ball pit center. Guy tries to tell them it should be balls pit. And then he starts going, everything was fall on, but we're all getting away with it.

You've got to get out of my facility. You know, it's a linguist comes in. It could, they could be two linguists, but, and that led to us coming with the idea of the Jason Bourne style elite high school debater, but he doesn't remember. But he's a killer retor-er. You know what I mean? Retor-otician. Retorotician. Then we've got the bell-runging competition. Yep, write that down. And then we have the sack-based human. Every organ has a sack.

Then we've got the Uber identity. Use your body while you sleep. You can use your body while you sleep. Yep. Then we have the demand for Nolan-esque mind fuckery. And a couple of people start giving it away for cheap in parks yes I'll describe a complicated situation yeah fuck oh fuck that's fucked that's

the people that do it oh fuck I've got no idea what's going on. Oh we got making- So was it real? Or was it all a dream? Couldn't tell you about- I don't tell you, I don't tell you. Wouldn't I tell you? Then we got the making faux chicken but with pork. And can't believe bacon was smoked with other bacon.

Then we got James Bong and then the martini Shaka Shaken, not Shaka Stood. Then we got the Antivax Response Restaurant High. Probably the biggest high you could ever experience. That'd be perfect for a guy who's like sober, completely sober, like a real tea totaler. Who is just looking for some peaks and of course and of course the the inevitable trough afterwards Whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop-ch-do, whop- around with just regular people.

Like it's always, it always feels so different when we've got a guest on and they like witness us doing it in person, it's different in person. It's different. Thank you everybody for listening to the show. Yeah, we appreciate it. And it is a show. Isn't it funny that this is a show? This is a show. We're doing a show. Putting on a show.

Yeah, putting on a show. We had a couple ideas, we put them out there. Mm-hmm. That'll do. So, that'll do, do, that'll do, that'll do, that'll do, do. That'll do. So you can listen to me on the gargle and you can also listen to Andy's great episode on the gargle that he had some months back. Yes, look it up. And he was very good on the episode. You can listen to the 100th episode of Who Knew It with Matt Stewart. Neither of us is on it but it was very fun. Yeah. I'll listen to it. I mean it's always a great podcast and Benjamin Russell was on it but even better Matt Stewart was on it. No he wasn't he he was he didn't make it he got it

better off he doubled booked and he wasn't there. What a cunt. I love Ben I love Ben I love that cunt. God he's talented and we love you Ben Russell and you the listener bye. Bye see ya.