Two In The Think Tank - 444 - "OPERATION IMPREGNATE PUTIN"

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

There's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. And I'm Andy. And I am also George William Triambley-Biercha. That's right. And just before the podcast, Alastair, what did you suggest to me? You made a funny comment and I thought, wow, god it would be good if he'd said that on the podcast.

Anyway, now that I've set it up. It immediately left my mind, although we were discussing about two things being very different. You know, it's like, oh, these two things are as different as night and day It was just exactly the same Except for the lights have been turned down Yes Anyway that was We had a great riff about that, you know, we had a really good riff and yes, it's a great observation

We'll one day probably make it into some stand-up or something like that, but we won't set it up like that, make it seem so contrived. Isn't it interesting that warmth is a thing that is possible for us to enjoy, right? Yeah. We like warmth and... Yeah, we like our molecules to be wiggling. We like our molecules to be wiggling, but it's one of those things where I don't think people, you know, it's enjoyable, but there's, fortunately for us, there's not really any way to refine and concentrate warmth and abuse warmth in any way to the detriment of our bodies, right? Like we are with so many other enjoyable things.

You don't think? You don't think you could just sit there, sit on the couch while watching a movie and just you keep just like Pinching the end of a welding iron No, no a soldering iron, sorry a soldering iron. Yes, you put it under your underarm Yes, or you just you're like, oh, I love this warmth and you like like that little bits of Flesh smoke like goes. I'd I've been like oh I love that smell. Alastair this is this is this will be exactly what the youths are getting into you know. It's exactly. Young people are cooking. Let's picture it as a sketch. Yes. Okay. It's um it's uh. What's that? Well is it, is it the... What's that in your, what's that under your arm?

I smell smoke in here! I smell burning flesh in here! Wait, let me smell you, let me smell you, you smell like crackling! Well do they come in and they think you've been smoking something else, like a cigarette or possibly a marijuana? But actually it's just the smoke of your burning flesh. Or you're trying to tell them that you're just smoking a cigarette. But in reality they know that you've been... you're burning again, aren't you?

And you have been burning one of your fingers. You've been broiling again. And then as a punishment, they make you burn all of your fingers off. They just make- A whole pack of fingers. He made me burn the whole fist. Then they make you burn all your fingers till the point where they're like,

you know, bubbly, crackling kind of stuff. Yeah. and then they might you run a knife over it so that you can hear the crunch. Is that a thing? Is that a thing people like? It's a very YouTubey thing these days. They run a knife over it. Really hearing the crunch? Yes you run a knife over it so you can hear how you know hear the scraping sound. Oh, I see what you mean. Ah, that's making me, that's putting me right on edge. That's why I tried to write that tweet one time where it was, I spent all this time making

a sandwich and then I run the knife over it. But instead of the crunch that you hear, the metal tink as it runs over the hardened surface. You hear nothing, but because the sandwich is wet, it is so wet. You just, a little wave of water moves in front of it as you drag your knife over this wet sandwich. The knife is aquaplaning on the soaked, The knife is aquaplaning on the... He's soaked the pool of water.

Yeah, nobody's selling a really truly wet sandwich and if they are, it's wet because of sources. Your wet sandwich, this wet sandwich that you hypothesize is wet with water. It's been dipped in a pool. hypothesize is dipped in a pool dropped in a pool. So one day this is the deli guy so one day I just made my papa sandwich right you know he was ill and so I was taking over the family business right and I'm going to his place. He's at the old folks home now. Poor guy. You know, we just don't have the time to take care of him.

And I'm going through the fitness, the fitness room, as you got to do to get to his room, because he's up the back. And and I trip, drop a full Italian salad sandwich into the pool, chlorine and everything. I get it out, I bring it to Pops. Pops, you know, he's in the place, but he's all there. The brain's all there, he's entirely there.

He actually likes it, because of all the chicks that he can pick up at this place, great place for him. I say, Pops, I'm so sorry I dropped the sandwich, your favorite sandwich, into the pool. He goes, let me try it, like that. And he bites. I said, no.

No, he said, Pops, no way. No, Pops, you're better than this. I'll go home, I'll make you another one. Back to the deli, which is at my home. He says, let me just try it. He bites into it. Best sandwich he's ever eaten. He said he loved the sog.

That's what was missing this. 35 years he worked in that deli. He said what was missing was the chlorine and the sog. Well, you know, people love, I'm gonna try and do the voice. I won't do it as well as you, Alistair. That was fantastic. I was beaming with joy the entire time. People love salt on a sandwich. What's salt? Sodium chloride. Sandwich what salt sodium chloride? Well turns out it was the sodium was holding it back What's just what you just get the chloride?

That's when you get the gains That's what people were liking Do love it. There's sodium getting in the way The origin of of the Mickey's pool drop soggy sandwich. Yeah Yeah, it is a little chlorinated pool he has there. On the counter. We tried with a little pool, right? We tried with a little pool we have on the bench. Doesn't work.

It's got to be a full Olympic size. Got it out the back. You got to... Wow, so this nursing home has an Olympic size swimming pool. It's a good place. We got our pops in a good place. That's incredible. Yeah.

It's a training facility. It's a sports training facility for the elderly. Yeah, well, I mean, aqua-robics we know is good for them. It's a sports training facility for the elderly. Yeah, well I mean, aqua-robics, we know is good for them. That's just getting them moving and, you know, taking the weight off their joints and that sort of thing. But if, and if that small amount of aquatic activity is good for an old person, imagine how good a full competitive Olympic training regime would be.

I mean it just stands to reason. You know I love my I love my granddad and so we're not putting him into an old folks home. We have we've put him in the Australian Institute of Sport. Institute of Sports, yes. I couldn't even wait for you to say the words because of how happy I was. How excited. You get a meal, they get three meals a day. Cafeteria's open. They say they think he might be the first geriatric prodigy. They couldn't believe it. He's taken to water.

Like a duck. The thing is is that he wasn't active during his life so his knees even though he's 85 years old his knees are brand new. He has the... But what he brings to powerlifting now is life experience, street smarts. Wisdom, something that was horribly missing from the powerlifting discipline. Hmm. And you know what he brings to the discipline? Discipline.

Ah, yes. That discipline. Ah Yes, the The key that was what was missing The cherry and most disciplined disciplined geriatric prodigy prodigy I Mean the word prodigy doesn't really apply I think to these kind of no because I was trying to do a bit the other day Where it feels like if you start doing something and you become good very quick, you should be considered a prodigy. Oh yeah, we've talked about this before. I agree.

I don't think that it should just be because you're young and dumb. I think anytime you see... It's easy to look good at something when you're young. Yeah. But to have people impressed at you being sort of kind of good at something, but quickly... As an adult? As an adult? That's hard. That's really hard.

Yeah. And especially because we don't have the neuroplasticity. Exactly. They have an unfair advantage if anything those kids. Yeah, I Mean, it's well they picked the piano up real quick. Did they yep Great. Oh whoop-dee-doo Yeah, also elephants are very heavy, you know, oh look how heavy this elephant is Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, he really took up white very quickly, didn't he?

That was such a terrible offer of mine no no they really this elephant is so good at crushing things oh we were all very impressed Andy what a good offer. The elephant offer. No, Alastair, I've got to say. Andy, no, don't you say it, Andy. I won't hurt a bad word about you. You won't hurt a bad word about you. I won't hurt a bad word. Mm-hmm. Because one day I will have heard, even though right now I hear.

I am. In the future I will have heard. Yes. So I won't heard. Yes, indeed. A bad word. I am podcasting in my garage and there's a roller door about a meter to my left and that goes straight onto the street and I never felt so

So so exposed, you know, it's such a there's no path There no no no, it's straight out onto the street there and door and then street Like if you open your door like a car could cause there's a little there's a little there's a no There's a little nature strip, but it's a roller door, like a car could come. There's a little, there's a little, no, there's a little nature strip, but it's a roller door, right? So I'm saying that the passerby. You don't have a garage door that opens outwards, sort of like.

No, I don't. A big, swinging. Yeah, sort of like a barn door. I'd love that, a saloon style garage door that you could drive your car into. That would be nice. And they swing open like that, smashing off the indicator lights every time you go through. I mean, a set of doors you can just bump into with your car and they open. Oh, I love it.

Both ways would be one of the most satisfying things ever. But it also knows- Like you're taking plates out of a kitchen, a busy kitchen. Like an elephant putting on white. Now hang on, Alistair. Hang on. What out Hang on hang on now it feels like You're using my analogy that I acknowledged was bad

Yeah, right, which you tried to tell me was good Yeah, you're now using it for what for an Alan analogy that I thought was perfectly adequate it for what for an analogy that I thought was perfectly adequate. Now by comparing it to my previous analogy. Yeah I was saying that it's good like this one. You told me it was good, I didn't believe it was good. No, no, you wouldn't be bringing it up if you thought the first one was good. Andy, here's the trickery Andy, is that I know that you think it's bad and so I can use it. I can use it against it even though it doesn not it doesn't bother me that's not how I feel that's not my truth that's your truth and if you don't like it that's because that's something you need to go away and work on I thought I told you I

think it's good I think it's good I know it bothers you actually your weak state of mind. I'm actually attacking you on a much deeper level than about this mirror analogy. This is about you. This is everything about you that is the problem. Alastair, have you written down garage saloon doors? The saloon garage door. I mean. You know what? I would like a car. I think this is our new world. A car with two guns on the outside. I would like that. Car duels. Okay people people so this is the modern version of jousting, are we on the back of

a horse with a lance. This is now, this is now cars driving at each other and shooting at each other. A sort of medieval, why are we recreating, why are we doing medieval recreations when we should be doing medieval modernizations that's true yeah it is it should keep up with the times with modern technology that's right what would what would the what would medieval times be like if they were around today? You'd be on one of those hoverboards. Al has said, no stop. You don't realize how funny that thing I just said was. Okay, sorry. What would, say it again?

What would Medieval times be like if they were around today? Yeah, okay. I think it's very funny. If they were around today. Yeah, okay. It's very funny. Where everybody still has to like, I mean like, I understand that it wouldn't be. But if the concept, I get that it is very funny. Thank you. My brain can't stop from making it make sense.

Okay, okay, Okay. You go. And so if sort of the, the feel of it where people were still kind of battling out in regular nature, you know, with each other, yes. And cities were warring and things like that. And, you know, but there are cars and guns but there's cars and i think that i could picture a modern day one where two guys are on those hoverboard things maybe the one wheel ones maybe the two wheel ones right and they're wearing a vr headset and okay and they're controlling and they've got remotes in their hands and they're both controlling a drone to to slice each other up or

Yeah, or just hit each other with a bomb Yes, or give each other some sort of Manufactured virus from a lab stab each other with a little needle with a virus in it stab each other with a little needle with a virus in it. That's the modern form of jousting. The modern form of jousting. Rudding at each other with a designer virus. Yes. They still have the really long stick but it's a synthetic neurotoxin. I don't know if I've ever seen, and I'm sure it's been done, but in a movie, an action movie, you always see car chases. You see a lot of people shooting guns from cars at other cars.

Yeah. But do you ever see it where the two cars are driving directly towards one another and people are shooting at, you know, as they charge their cars towards each other, they're still shooting at each other. See that's, the car chases, the cars, when do the cars ever stop running, you know, in the car chase, and turn and face each other. And then it's, yeah, it's often just, you get two cars driving towards each other in a kind of game of chicken Occasionally but but never I mean maybe they maybe often and I don't remember at all but shooting at each at each other yeah in the hope of either ending it by bullet or

or ending it by bullet or ending it by collision. Yes. But I think the jewel thing that I was suggesting earlier is more two cars a certain distance away from each other. They each have one driver, nobody else in the car. There are guns on the outside of the car and holsters. And then when maybe a sort of like a track lady drops her scarf and it hits the ground.

They draw and they shoot at each other. And one gun is easy to access. So the person in the car is drawing, so the gun is holstered outside the window, they've wound down the window, and they've got their hand out the window and they grab the gun and shoot. Is that right? Okay, so they've got to wind them down. I like that component of it. And yes, they've got one gun, as you say, one gun, very easy to access.

The other gun all the way over outside the other door. So they've really got to scoot across if they miss with their first one. Then wind down the second window frantically. Well possibly bullets are coming through the dash. They could be doing it in a leisurely pace. I don't want to tell them how to do their business except for setting up this entire scenario. I think that's really, I think that's wonderful. Yeah. And that's what it would be like if the medieval times were today. Medieval times were today. If they were still around. If medieval times were in, were in, if medieval times were in the Wild West and that that was today. Oh yeah.

Yes, what would that be like? I think it is definitely interesting to imagine what would happen if all the times happened at once. Ah, sort of a cubism of time. Yeah, if time stopped working and it stopped keeping things apart properly. and it you know it stopped keeping things apart properly. Time as we know exists to stop everything happening all at once. Do you think that's what happens? It's like gravitation and we all collapse under gravitational time. Yeah, time, gravity.

And so then we all, all the things that that happened all push back into each other mmm Squishing what would that look like would that be then you would encounter the flesh things of the past Well Certainly that would be the easiest version of this to dramatize But I know you Alistair and I know you'd love to imagine some sort of hypothetical version that is impossible to even picture. But I mean yeah but then what would be the battle would the battle be to remain the the top one

like here's everybody kind of getting collapsed into one and you got to battle all the versions of yourself that appear so that you can be the one that is on the outside at the end. Yes I see what you're saying because I was I was only picturing that the medieval times would be today. I didn't consider the fact that also all the versions of you from every moment in your history. Gosh imagine that all the versions of you from every moment in your History gosh imagine that all the moments you from every moment Exists there all at once. I mean it would be it'd be a bit like the sperm battle again you and The great sperm battle, you know the one again because it will I mean think about it you won that sperm battle Oh, right. I say we're saying yes

You know, you said the word sperm battle so confidently I assumed I was immediately supposed to know what you were talking about I mean, I genuinely did think that you would know, you know the great sperm battle not people shooting sperm at each other but But the battle that you know where you beat all the other sperms which wouldn't be that different from meeting all the other versions of you. That is a good version of and this would have deep satirical weight Alastair and I know you love that but it's a it it's guns, right? But instead of shooting bullets that kill you, it's a sort of insemination gun that shoots a baby

into you and impregnates you, right? Man or woman, right? If you get shot with this, you become pregnant. And instead of killing you and ending your life, the bullet just ends your social life and your ability to develop your career. So it is a form of assassination. Yes. And I think it's... and it it's and it's not it couldn't be illegal

Except in probably in a lot of ways, but at least we know it's not murder. It was invented by an economist Yes but also Maybe this is in a world in which the only crime is murder and so people are always trying to find ways around it ways to To shoot people. Ways to... Why can't the one law that's left is to shoot people? Right? They're trying to work out ways to get people out of the picture without murdering them and what better way than to give them the... Anyway, there's a lot of unpleasant connotations to this idea, but I think also it has,

if you don't think about any of those, I think it's very fun. Do you think that that's the kind of thing that they could do to Putin? So it's like, instead of trying to get rid of- Measure that, measure that. You can't assassinate a world leader, but imagine if you could get him pregnant.

If you could get him pregnant and he suddenly has three very young children he has to raise. Yeah, really good. And they have to feed off of him. Pregnant with triplets. Yes. Or they die. They're breastfeeding.

Right, and he's gotta be up several times a night. Yeah. Oh, and he's pumping to be up several times a night. Yeah. Oh, and he's pumping. I think this is incredible. Operation Impregnate Putin. It's a great film. Operation Impregnate Putin. The movie really wrights itself from that point on.

I mean, yeah. You can see it already in cinemas. It'll do what that movie that Seth Rogen and that other guy did for the interview for North Korea, it'll do that for Russia. I can only imagine how excited the studios will be to jump on board when we go in and we pitch it as that. This is the Seth Rogen and James Franco's, the interview. Andy, I'm even more excited

at how excited Putin will be to assassinate us. I'm even more excited at how excited Putin will be to assassinate us. I mean, can you imagine the publicity that you would get for your comedy festival show by being assassinated by Vladimir Putin? You'd sell out, wouldn't you? You'd sell out the whole run. It'd be good when you're checking the ticket sales beforehand and you notice a suspiciously large number of Russian surnames on the ticket sales list. And they've all got little bottles of perfume on them. Mmm, that's right. They're just waiting to spray it and you go, what are you doing? You guys, you guys trying to make it smell nice in here. I could just do that. I'll put on a fan. Putting, putting the um, the neurotoxin into a perfume bottle really does feel so much like something that would happen in a James Bond film. It does feel like

something that like a, a somebody who wasn't a real spy would think a spy would do. Yeah. I can't believe that's... But I mean that's how you make a spy. You do need to start with somebody who isn't a spy. And so every generation of spies can make that mistake. What would you put it in? But then also, you know, it's... but well that's it. I can't think of anything. Probably a perfume bottle. But I guess it makes sense. A carton of milk, a three litre bottle of milk. Hey, ah. Because I guess they have to get it into the country

as well. Yeah, yeah. And you know, where you want a glass container, you want something dispensable, it's logical. I can see how they got there. See how they got to that point. But then to also just chuck it away in a bin or whatever it was that they did. Or just leave it on in an alleyway. Is that what they did? I think so, yeah. Just left it somewhere and then some now some unhoused people Found it. Yeah one person and gave it to their partner as a gift. Oh my god

Just insane. Yeah Anyway Look that really affects me as a person who absolutely would pick up something off the side of the road and give it to my beloved again. Oh, baby, I forgot how much of a tragedy this is. Yeah, you have the same instincts. I do. And so- It's amazing that that hasn't already happened to our family.

Yeah. You have added things off the side of the road that I drag home and try and integrate into our lives Unsuccessfully because it turns out we don't need another broken typewriter or whatever it is Have you ever have you ever brought bed bugs into that to a house? Not into my house Maybe into yours. No, it's amazing I haven't take broughtbugs into a house because I have, before I even knew that bedbugs existed I did get mattresses

off the side of the road and sleep on them. Think about that, how awful is that? Now that makes me shudder but at the time I was just like, you know, you need mattresses, a mattress is Yeah. A mattress is a mattress. This is a mattress. I could sleep on that mattress. Yeah. Just get a mattress off the side of it. Ugh.

Yuck. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if I slept on one of those mattresses. Sure. I mean, I don't even know. I have no idea where I got my mattresses for the first 30 years of my life. I definitely didn't go to a mattress store. Buy a mattress. No. That's crazy. They just show up on the side of the street.

Yeah. I mean, I think sometimes somebody would just... Just wait long enough. I think they grow like a fungus or something. Yeah. They've certainly got that sort of squishy texture of like a puffball. Yeah. You're right. I don't know where the fuck I got my mattresses from. Somebody should make a fungal mattress. A fungus that grows in the shape of a big rectangle. Right they've you know they've got the right kind of squishy texture. You could sleep on the top of a big mushroom. I love that you can make the joke fun guy and fun gal with

both with the same different forms of the same word. Yeah. Well, I've always said that thrush is a fun gal infection. Yeah. It is. When I say I've always said that, I mean I've thought it once and now the opportunity has come up to say it again. Yes well don't worry next time a woman in your life mentions that they have a fungal infection. I'm sure I'll be able to demonstrate how empathetic I am and attune to the difficulties of being a person with a vagina by using that line.

And then going for a high five. I think Andy, if you're in any setting where somebody is telling you that, I think that that person is probably fun enough to receive that thing, because I think it takes a certain kind of person to be able to just say that outwardly. No, not if I'm a gynecologist. Yeah. Well, so is this how you're going to turn your life around?

It could be. Oh, is that why you've been wearing that gynecologist in training shirt? That's the tragedy is that they're, you know, the real victims there are gynaecologists who are in training. There are some of them out there and they are having their lives made immeasurably harder by these, I mean, they're social vandals really. Yeah. Because now you show up if you're a professional, you know, or you're a student and you show up in the the in the examination

office in the clinic, the clinic, and you're wearing that shirt so that they know that, you know, you're not a fully, you know, you're essentially a probationary gynecologist. Yes. God, if you're now you look like a perv because because of those guys. now you look like a perv because because of those guys thanks a lot yeah pervs ruining everything Alistair did you write down the thing the idea earlier about eating sushi off yourself I think that was from the side tank that we did oh was that a side take yeah we have Really? Yeah. We have done back to back to back podcasts this evening and... To try to just scrape them over the line in terms of getting in by the end of the month because we're super organized people. Oh always. We

need, I need more deadlines. I need basically a deadline every hour of the day it's amazing that I well I was gonna say it's amazing that I breathe without a deadline but actually the body does breathing is one of the things that you definitely you really do have a deadline for breathing I've got to get this breath done within the next three minutes or I will die. Gynacologist. Yeah I mean that's the unfortunate reality you can't procrastinate breathing. But if you could I absolutely would. Is Gynac this with a wine things down think it is guy. No. Well. Yeah, it's got this at least one guy why in there

Guy, no G y no I reckon And then just call oh just unless there's like one of those ones where there's like an AE in there somewhere It feels like one of those words. Yeah some total psycho So do you think maybe we can explain the I don't think I wrote It down because we don't write down side tank ideas But the idea of like, you know the the sushi this is the you know, the idea of social we can explain to people but the you know the thing where you go and You get sushi, but you eat it off of a naked body

But instead you get it, but you get it for one and you eat it off of a naked body but instead you get it but you get it for one and you eat it off your own body so you just go down you get to lay on a table yes it's a nice treat maybe there's a mirror up above you on the ceiling so you can see where they all what you're selecting what which cut or you know it could be one where you sit sort of naked on a couch and you just sort of have your sort of hunched belly there and you just prop a few slices of sushi just sort of on that flat little bit of your beer gut

and you pick those off with a pair of chopsticks or even your bare hand. Yeah, and then you eat it laying down with the food falling to the back of your throat like that. Risky choking. If you're not so classy, you could just have a pile of loose rice on your stomach that you eat with your hands. Yeah. See that's cool too. Just the belt,

just your belly's just got a pile of rice on it. You got some raw salmon on your chest. Why not? This, I mean, some of the things you've told me in the past, Alistair, about what you consider to be the unfair expectations that society puts on you to, for example, wash plates and dishes before you use them again. It doesn't feel like this is too much to imagine that you wouldn't, um, you wouldn't complain that society expects you to eat food off a plate instead of just off your own stuff. I gotta say, I feel like this is a slightly unfair representation of me. Um, but I may have said that at some point about the plates.

I think I was annoyed not about the expectation, but more that you just have to. Oh, okay. More like, you know. Right. I mean, I think you can probably sometimes in a day use the same plate a couple of times, right? I think that is okay yeah yes you know yes there is there is I've definitely done that a bit but it does

feel a little bit wrong I think each time you do it especially like there's lots of stuff where you basically don't even dirty the plate. Like a sandwich. Yeah a piece of toast, you know spaghetti bolognese. Things like that. I mean if it's a thick bolognese that doesn't seep through the web of noodles. No, no, no, no, it seeps, it seeps. I think that the Italians should stop taking this sushi thing lying down, they're getting run all over by sushi and I think they should invent a kind of hand-rolled version of pasta where you sort of you weave the noodles into a mat and you wrap that around. Oh I guess they've already got cannelloni haven't they? They've already got sheets of... why am I weaving the noodles into a sort of a cardigan, a pasta cardigan that you can it insert a sausage into

Past the card again that you could pass the card again you can insert sausages into Mmm, and then during during the day you just eat your cardigan Because you know those days that kind of start off cold and then they end up warm Right, but there's also days where you start off hungry and you end up full. So it's perfectly aligned. Oh my god. You know but it's not so hot that you can't wear a slightly wet cardigan. And you know this has always been the problem with edible underwear is that it's under your clothes it's very difficult to get to it to eat you to eat you need edible outerwear you need an edible layer edible layering. Yeah. And the pasta's there to get you full, but the sausage is where you're gonna get your protein.

Yeah. It's, you really snack. You know, it's like you snack on the cardigan and that gets you to the main meal, which is the sausages. And I think maybe- Now where are the sausages in your mind? In this cardigan? Are they just loose under the cardigan sort of pressed against your skin? That's kind of what I was picturing. Okay, because it doesn't feel like they're being really contained or supported in any way. But I think that they could probably be weaved in, like you know, they could be on the inside of the weave a little bit

You know, they could get a sausage lining. Yeah Okay, I mean I guess it should try and make it the car thinner sausage that is as thin as as as Pasta and then you could have a sort of a weave where it's like almost like a tweed It's like a twiggy stick No, but well, there's a lot of these but over the you know where it's like almost like a tweed. It sounds like another snack, a twiggy stick. No but well there's a lot of these but over the you know the size of the cardigan they're woven in you know say every second strand is a sausage the mains you know it goes and then it goes

noodle sausage noodle sausage noodle sausage and that's that's sort of knitted together. I think that's great. That's great. That's a balanced diet You know well-knitted cardigan. All right, I yield I yield to to your idea we call it the the the cardigan ah is the this is the The meal the Italian name for it. That's's right I mean a spaghetti cardigan I mean it makes sense and if you're gonna have a bowtie pasta you probably have to have a suit jacket pasta exactly right yes what are you gonna wear that bowtie with yeah come on and you're gonna wear it with a cardigan. We have at least. Like you're an old professor or librarian.

Oh yes, you could wear a couple of Mortadella cheese part patches on your elbows. Perfect or maybe a bit of a slice of a bologna. Slice of bologna. Um, Andy, we have three words from a listener. And this week's listener is Emily Aubrey. Emily Aubrey. I love that I preempted that with a slice of baloney. I did the same song.

And Andy, Emily Aubrey is a listener who was sent in three words from a listener, namely herself. And we were wondering, Emily and I, if you would like to guess the first word that Emily has said. Yes, I would. The first word is cuboid. Cuboid. It's not, but I don't know, for some reason it feels like they're in a category, they're in a Venn diagram somewhere. The first word was boffen. Oh great! Yeah, oh cuboid and boffen. I mean cuboid feels like something, you know, an insult that you would level at a square, a nerd, or cuboid,

I guess is the next level of a square. Yeah, a cuboid. Which is, that's what you're getting called, a square by a real nerd. Oh, just a square, you're a cuboid. A quadrilateral. You're a hypersquare. I was thinking, thinking about about the expression goody two shoes

And thinking what? How is the what is the two shoes? Component of that what's the insult from the two shoes bit like oh look at this guy is such a nerd Yeah, he has both his shoes He's such a people pleaser That he's not willing to get around in a single shoe like me I guess maybe is it making fun of a rich kid from a poor person's perspective. I'm not sure That's not really the spirit of the insult as we use it today. That's true. We do use it today. You're right. I Apologize it was a terrible suggestion. No, well, it's a real, I'm a real no-but kind of improv guy. Okay, that's okay. What about the second word that Emily sent in?

Okay, second word is... So what was the first word again? Boffen. Boffen, second word, coffin. C-O-F-F-I-N, boffen coffin. I wanna say that not only did you get the word wrong, but you also guessed, Oh! You also guessed the pattern that Emily's doing completely wrong. And you also guessed the fact that she had a pattern.

Wrong. Wow, so I was wrong in three different ways. I mean, it's interesting. It's interesting, isn't it? It's sort of the opposite of a hat trick. Yeah. Right? A reverse hat trick.

Okay. Instead of a trifecta, it's a trifuckter. Yes. Yeah, dickhead. That sounds like something somebody would say when they were actually successful in picking up lots of people. Yes. But we're not those kind of guys. I don't know. Well, I don't know what the second word is then you tell me the answer. I'm not gonna take a second guess.

The second word is versus. Boffen versus... okay Boffen versus Wonk. Andy it is Wonk. Are you serious? Yes it is Wonk. How did you do that? Well I thought first thought was nerd and then I was like well no, Boffen and nerd aren't exactly synonyms and I can see what Emily or I could see what she was setting up was a humorous kind of showdown, you know, where I don't know, I don't know how I knew, I don't know, but the pieces seem to fall into place in my mind. And I was like, yeah, it feels like it's Boffin versus Wonk. We're sent in so much earlier. Or if you hang up on me.

Either my internet has gone down or Andy's internet has gone down. But I will keep talking. Of course, Andy himself is going to be continuing to speak. And so now you're going to be hearing two people talking. I mean, whether or not Andy will even be able to. Oh, maybe it is my internet. No, it's not my internet, I don't think. This is important that you hear me speaking like this.

Yes, I could just. No, Andy's calling. And he is back. Hello Andy. You are back? Alastair. Yes. Hello.

Um, I'm now talking to you. Hang on a second, I've got to reconnect my headphones. Okay, no problem. Give me a second. Are you still speaking into the mic? I am not sure if Andy's still speaking into the mic. I'm really sorry that we do not have the time to be editing this.

And so let's just enjoy how wonderful Andy and I's ability to Not fuck up a podcast is Andy is Probably having the longest journey to plugging in headphones that i've ever heard. No, he has been disconnected one more time I wonder whether or not This is that rural living Hello, here we go. Here we go, hello.

Do you just have to unplug the modem to plug in your headphones? Do you guys only? No, do you know what I had done, Alistair, was quite some time ago I set up something where my phone automatically goes on to do not disturb mode at 1130 at night. Yeah, and then also goes on to airplane mode until 630 in the morning and

we just kicked ticked over into the the black zone. Yeah to the black zone in communication. And it's never become a problem up until right now. Or it has become a problem and I just haven't noticed. I may have missed several important calls from the hospital telling me that my children are in a terrible accident. Oh yes, of course there'll be that. Several times a week.

There's, and here I was blaming I thought it was probably your rural living that might have been the responsible for this but it turns out It's my rural thinking it know it was my it was my international living that did it because We wouldn't be doing a podcast this late for you if I was living in jolly old New England also known as Australia. I don't know if anyone ever called it New England. It was New Holland. Yeah, I know. But really it was New England, wasn't it? Yeah, it's true. They thought it was New Holland.

Yeah. Well, that's what the Dutch people thought it was. But I don't think the British ever thought of it as New Holland They were really I mean we have a new Holland They're like, you know, we should establish a Dutch colony in Australia The English thought they would do that. Yeah Yeah, why not? Yeah, why not? Um, Alastair, where were we? We were, we had just, we were just singing the praises of Emily Albury's suggestions

and your ability to guess them. Well, guess the third word. Um, it's a, it is a beautiful suggestion. I mean, and picturing a kind of like Mr. And Mrs. Smith style movie where To Just I mean, it's not exactly like this but like, you know, but but let's say it's just a real action film mmm of boffin versus wonk

Try to kill yes are using the skills that they have from their boffinness and their wonkness. But then I also on some level want to just see them just punching each other. Sure punching, yes. I don't want to see a version where they don't use those skills at all. And shooting. Yes, but I think that it's in the doing of those things I agree that's what I want as well it's in the doing of those things that you truly

express who you are and you know I said you know I think sometimes lifting up a big manila folder filled with documents you know to stop a bullet as you jump over a desk and, and, you know, set off your Uzi towards the wonk. Yes. It was, and by your Uzi, we're referring to one of your large pimples because you're such a nerd. You're such a nerd. You've got an automatic.

You're covered in acne. You've got pus shooting out at an automatic rate. That's right. Pump action. I love as well that the bullet wouldn't have been stopped by the Manila folder of reports, were it not for the extensive literature literature review that you attached in an appendix and this is why you should always uh...

cite your sources adequately I'm having my appendix taken out that's what he says as he opens it up and pulls the bullet out of it. Yeah, wow. That almost makes some kind of sense. Andy, it's an action film. It doesn't have to make sense.

But I thought, you know, if a boffin and wonk, you'd hope that maybe some of their quips would at least, you know, scan. But that's fine. You know if a boffin and wonk you'd hope that maybe some of their quips would At least you know scan, but that's fine They're in a high-precious scenario. They're adrenaline pumping They love comedy, but they've only ever done law reviews and so the comedy Isn't just quite at the level that you would that you would like if from a person who actually does do comedy. That is a really good idea for any kind of action film, is one in which the main lead guy, the tough, bad-ass guy who kills people, all his quips after he kills them, they're all just Monty Python quotes.

He's just as really nerdy, super... Just a flesh wound. Yeah. Knee, knee. Hi, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, drink a water. Oh wow. Yeah. That's interesting.

What do you think about that? Um. Made me feel pretty bad. Bougham versus wonk. Bougham versus wonk. I mean what it is is that they're sort of, they're so similar. Yeah, but think about this Andy. Coffin versus wank.

Yeah, but think about this Andy coffin versus wank Okay Tell me about that now it feels like and I you know, tell me tell me if I'm on the wrong track Tell me if I'm on the wrong track here Alistair, but it feels like this is a game show Okay, where it's almost like a deal or no deal yeah but it's also you know where they have all those boxes and you have to guess which one has the hundred thousand dollars in it yeah but it's also sort of and and what that game show deal or no deal really is is it's sort of a game a family-friendly game show version of the old joke about the man who goes to a farmer's house

and he really needs to have sex with something and the farmer has three holes out the back or whatever that you can put your front genital into. And one of them contains a what a pig's ass or something I don't know and one of them is some other thing and then the third one is a well in the version I heard it's a milking machine that doesn't stop until it reaches 10 gallons or something like that anyway yeah but that is sort of what deal or no deal basically is but I feel like coffin versus wank is a is removing

again taking it back to its original source material and it's you are doing deal or no deal we get Andrew O'Keefe back as the host and now instead of choosing the briefcase that might have lots of money in it, you are choosing a... Big box. Big box. And either there's a guy wanking off or there's some... you have to see a dead body. Oh, I like that. yeah. Great. It doesn't have to be a guy. It's a deal or no deal. But all that, it's bad. It's bad things in all the boxes. That you don't want to see.

And you're trying to see the least bad thing when you're in the box that you choose. You don't want to see, and you're trying to see the least bad thing when you're in the box that you choose. You don't win. You don't win, but you're just hoping to lose by the least amount. Yeah. By seeing the least bad box. But there's like, there's still like 50 boxes. Still like 50 boxes. There's still 50 boxes. They all have slightly, you know, different bad things in them.

On an increasing scale of how bad it would be to see them when they open the box. It's like a dog taking a shit. Oh. Yeah, so Coffin vs Wank. Yeah, I'm thrilled. Coffin vs Wank is the idea that we got out of that. Yeah, game show. Good job Alastair. You did a fantastic job on this episode and I can't wait to hear these ideas read back to me. Andy, I think you did a fantastic job on this episode.

I think I did a bit of a weird job, maybe slightly self-involved. I don't remember that, I don't remember any of that. Andy, shall we wrap it up by reading out the sketch ideas? Yes, we should. Also thank you, Emily, for those wonderful words that Andy was able to guess the third one of. A big round of applause for Andy, please. Now we have the origin of the Mickey's pool-dropped soggy sandwich.

We have the geriatric prodigy in powerlifting. We have kids have neuroplasticity so they shouldn't get to be prodigies. We have the saloon garage door. We have modern jousting medieval times today, which we have sort of a two guys on hoverboards possibly, but I think it's more about the medieval times today. We got the car,

got the car, what's that second word? Car, something, jewel. Car jewel, car jewel. What was the second word you said? Oh, josting? Yeah, maybe that's what I tried to write. I don't know, it looks like wester. Oh, I think it was western. Western. I don't know. It looks like Western. Oh, I think it was Western.

I didn't put the end at the end. The car Western dual. We have the impregnation gun operation, impregnate Putin. We have the trainee gynecologist shirts, wearers, ruining it for the real trainee gynecologists we have the pasta cardigan or the cardiac part of Cartagena We have the pasta carding on the buff and wonk action film and we of course have the coffin versus wank Game show where you got to try to lose the least What a smorgasbord it was a real small work of things It always feels like it should be smorgasbord doesn't because you already have so much on

Smorgas it feels like you got a full buffet just out of that and it should be that buffet should be on a board But no you get to know what it is it's not smorgasbord it's smorgasbord I think really pretty smorgasbord I think it's bored B-O-R-D smorgasbord you're right Andy it is smorgasbord smorgasbord. Smorgasbord. Well then, Alastair, you must be a little disappointed that you were wrong, but also a little bit happy that it is what you suggested it should be. Yeah. And you're on the right side of the story.

I suppose the world is as it should be. But now I'm disappointed that there is... Nothing to complain about there. But now that smorgasbord is gone, you know, I do feel a bit of emptiness in my life. You know, a word that was itself a bit of a Smorgasborg. Be careful what you wish for. Oh, Andy, I feel empty. Oh well, I'll carry that into the rest of my week.

Until we meet again, Andy. Zzzipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-jipa-j of who knew it with Matt Stewart this week's one maybe next week's listen out for that I'm gonna say I had a bit of a weird energy on that one as well that's great practice podcasts and talking to people in general Andy you're too busy walking right out onto the road when you leave your garage that's what's happening taking up a lot of my time it's true you're getting hit by a lot of cars learn to communicate actually cars to get hit by yeah I think when I lived with you it was when you were getting hit by the most cars which was what a real peak yeah anyway I've only been hit by one car it is actually truly I left

my life yeah picking things up off the street and riding riding the bar I guess you don't really ride a bike anymore no but I do could Jay walk appallingly yeah good please live in a rural area and people love people there apparently even though they move to where there's so few of them. Um, but alright Ed, Ed we love yous. See yas. Thank you, bye. Bye, cheese. Review us.

Bye.