Two In The Think Tank - 452 - "FLYING RUG RIDE"

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

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Blue shit, blue shit, blue head. Hello and welcome to Two in the Thing Tank, the show we come up with five, where we come up with five sketch ideas. And I am Andy. And I am Alistair George William Trombley-Burchall. You heard it here. That's who he is. And here's my idea, Alistair.

I'm ready, I'm ready. The idea that I've ruined our chat before the podcast by sort of going very quiet because I was trying to remember this idea. Well now I'm going to go very noisy and use the idea to ruin the podcast as well. So here we go. This is my idea. Telephones, right? What if we'd never developed the microphone, right? Or the speaker. But what we had done is we'd worked out how to sort of hack into the electrical signals in the brain, right? And use the body speaker, the mouth,

and the ears, the microphone that is the ears, right? So what you would have basically in your house is you would, I guess you would buy the dismembered head of an executed convict or something like that. And it would be sort of there on the wall, probably rotting. Okay. But then there would be these sort of string, great strings of nervous, of nerves, right? That sort of come, we've come out of the back of the head and, and, and I want you to think though, I think that the head is salted is heavily

salted continue. There you go that's it's we've been able to preserve it with brine with the power of brine this is one of our brine this is a brine punk series it's where pickling the key the key driver behind the industrial revolution in this case was huge leaps forward in pickling technology. Yes, in Pickle Valley. Excuse me? In Pickle Valley, where all the technological advancements happen. Oh, I see.

Vinegar Valley. Beautiful. Beautiful. vinegar valley Beautiful Beautiful I mean I think I think the the listeners will forgive me for being confused by what you were saying because I'm talking about The Industrial Revolution and yet you've chosen to draw the place name For the your reference point from the computer tech revolution and make reference to Silicon Valley but you know what Alistair that's not a criticism that's not a good valley had and then there's big big sort of gloopy nervous you know extension of spinal cord or whatever it is that go on poles down the street okay

to from house to house and that kind of thing and what you can do is you can yell into the ears of your brined head okay and then in the the person the house of the person you'd like to speak to the dried up old mouth starts say repeating those words in a sort of a husky tone, right? I guess a very brined sound that you're getting out of the head. And I do picture that you have to pick up the head and hold it in your hands in order to yell into the ear.

Oh, you hold two small heads to your ears when you're wanting to just listen to something. Oh, that's interesting. Like you listen to music or something like that, you have headphones. Yes, in stereo. In stereo, oh that's fantastic. Yes. Oh, I love it. Well... Brine punk. Yeah, well I've written down brined heads instead of speakers.

Or it's pickle punk. I think pickle punk is probably more fun. Yeah, all right, I'll put pickle punk. Pickle punk. Okay, I've written it down. Sorry, I could hear one of my children yelling out at six o'clock in the morning and I hope that he just continues his pattern of

instead of usually crying out at this time, but getting up, bringing his pillow, and then going and laying with my beloved. And then I say this because we often now are sleeping separate because I'm in the bed with him because he often cries out. And so I'm sleeping in a bed that is a little bit too short for me and I have to put my feet in between the wood gaps.

But your feet famously get too hot in the night. That's true, that is true Andy. Maybe this is great for you. So if I shackle them in wood off the edge of the bed. That is actually a good thing. Well, I mean wood, I don't know if you sort of you sort of tucked yourself under a sheet of wood at bedtime. I don't think that you would get hotter than if you were in a blanket. I think you'd be cooler. A nice big plywood plank.

This will go well with that bit that we had last time about going under a pile of flat-screen TVs for some reason to sleep. Oh but what about this a deconstructed house it's a guy it's a it's a very avant-garde chef who has who has gotten into the construction industry. Ah the deconstruction industry this is really good. No no no he's he's constructing things that are deconstruction industry. Ah, the deconstruction industry. This is really good. I don't know, he's constructing things that are deconstructed. Deconstruction industry, yes, yes.

And he shows you, you know, how you can live a simpler life with just all the bits of, you know, the plywood and the jib rock and the nails and things like that. And you can, you could lay under a lot of it. You could pile it up and then, and then put some balls on top of it. I mean, this, this, this chef, does he, does he look a lot like you? Because I picture, somehow I picture that this is what you would do Because I picture, somehow I picture that this is what you would do if you were somehow sent to a building site and told that all the bits that you needed for your house were

there on the building site. Instead of trying to construct the house, I really do picture you sort of pulling a pile of wooden planks and some nails over your body and curling up. Like that. And just sort of making do. Wrapping my head in my arms so that the rats don't bite my ears. Yeah. And then seven or eight years later, somebody shows up to visit. They're like, oh, wow, you're still living like this. And you're like, and you are completely fine. And you are not bothered by it at all.

But fueled by the power of their own disgust and my living conditions, they've made me a room. That's right. Yes. Yeah. I mean, Andy, I could really picture it happening. You've raised a whole family there. They're all... you do.

Everybody's shocked. I feel like my life is a little bit like that. This is a... I would like to see a version of grand designs right which is exactly is this but it's called enormous compromises right and it's where Kevin McLeod shows up and the family has, they've bought for example as they often do, you know, like a collapsed violin factory, right, that still has all the bits of old violin and stuff in there. And Kevin's really amazed by this and they tell him about how they have a plan to just

sort of put up with it, right, and It'll be fine and not really change anything at all and just sort of compromise and make do and then seven or eight years later he comes back to see how they're getting on and it's fine. They're just coping. They're still living in the pile of old broken violins. You know maybe they've moved some of them to the side but that's about it. Yeah they've just this is a master pile of violins. Yeah yeah. And over here this is the guest pile of violins. Yeah now the kids were tripping over a lot of the violins and that was really that was a big problem so we just told them to try and stop doing that.

And they bore a less head. Luckily, um, the government has come and taken the children away. So it's worked out great. Have to move the violins. You had a real stroke of luck. Um, yeah, I could really picture it being okay and I think I sketch about this fictional man who would who would put up with that kind of thing and you know I think that that could be funny. Do you think it would be funny? Oh no you

tell your thing and then I'll desperately try and remember mine and I'll make it really stilted until I get to say it. Please say yours now. What about this you're gonna really like it Alastair. Yeah. Okay this is it it's a hospital sketch right. And all the executives are having a meeting. The executives at the hospital? Yes. That's not it. And I remember how stilted I get when I'm trying to hold onto an idea. You can't just self-say it and he's right.

Well, and it's a good one, remember. The doctor comes out and he says, I'm terribly sorry. No, maybe doesn't say, hang on. He doesn't say I'm terribly sorry. Yeah, the doctor comes out and he says your husband has had a massive stroke of Luck how about that? How do you feel about that? That's not too bad Does it need does it but then what does it need to happen? What else? Is it still bad news? You know, cause then we get to have a double twist.

Massive stroke of luck. He's had an enormous heart attack. I'm sorry. I didn't, I don't know why I said that was a stroke of luck. I think I might be having a massive stroke. Sorry, we both had simultaneous strokes. His was of luck. I was having a regular one and he was having one of luck.

So when he came in here he seemed very unhappy about your marriage and so it seemed like it was putting him out of his misery. That's why I've called it a massive stroke of luck. To have a heart attack. Wow, your husband has had a massive stroke of luck. He had a heart attack and no longer has to be a part of your terrible marriage. Wow. The massive stroke doctor. and no longer has to be a part of your terrible marriage. Wow. That's good. The Massive Stroke Doctor.

Bedside Manor. What a very good bedside manor. Does it work anywhere else, your bedside manor? Or is it only at bedsides? I guess there's, I mean mean I guess in a bed shop. You wanna have a good bedside manner? I mean it doesn't hurt cause people wanna lay down when they go to a bed shop.

Yeah, yeah that's true. But if you have two beds and push them together, then one bed is beside the other bed and So your bedside manner can just refer to the way in which you lie in your bed that is next to their bed I mean this is nothing. I think the bedside manner, but no it's like it's a I'd be very surprised if this hasn't existed yet, but it's a place where these rich people live Hmm, maybe the you know, maybe rich doctors or something like that and it is called the bedside manner It's a really good really good idea. So but the rich doctors they live in the manner

Yeah, and do they? Do they actually exercise their bedside manner there or is that just a sort of a funny name for the building? I think it's a funny name for the building these people have dignity and they don't see it as funny. Oh They don't say it's a what did they call it that they didn't It was a coincidence. It was exactly. It was a landscape feature, the bed, which is just a sort of a hill that plateaus and then ceases to plateau. Not a river bed?

No. No, no, no, no. It's a mound. Yeah, okay. And for some reason, they built their thing down the bottom. And- So is the bedside. And-

Bedside. But they're all single doctors and they can't keep a relationship going and they don't understand why. And one's called Joey, the other one is called Chandler. But those are the only coincidences with Friends because then one of the women doctors is called Suzanne. So that's where it starts to depart.

Although in the song you hear about Suzanne first, so you never think about Friends until the third character is named. First it's Suzanne. And by then... And then it's... then it's Rashim. And then... it's Chandler. And then... Joey.

Rashim, that's a bit like Ross. Yeah, but it's not... And a bit like Rachel. Well, I know, but it's neither. It really is neither and if you haven't heard Joey or Chadloss Names by this point it's unlikely that you've heard Suzannes and then you're hearing Rasheems and you're thinking that sounds a bit like Ross from Friends unless the song is a very similar in tune. Although there is a very similar song, hang on, but there is one similarity between Rashim and Ross and Rachel is that when you start in the song,

which goes like this, yes this has happened you are living by the bed. the bed Then you hear Suzanne is there and so just they also also they don't say the names the people in the movie In the TV show friend. Yeah, that's not it the song It would be really weird if you get to receive state Suzanne is there is also a person called Roo like that nice here You think the ball. I wonder if will they or won't they be called Ross or Rachel and that's you know What Ross's first wife was called Susan? Not Suzanne right no no, but that could be a print weird pronunciation thing. Yes, you know, but that's when you hear

Suzanne you go. I wonder if they mean Susan from And you think oh, it's looking like I was right Well, they won't they yeah It was a little, well they weren't they? Yeah and then they go, oh no Rashim that's doesn't sound very friends like and then they say Chandler and then Joey and they go what? They all live in a house and they are all doctors None of them are able to maintain a relationship And then they do the claps but there's five of them are able to maintain a relationship. And then they do the claps.

But there's five of them. It's actually the sound. There's no claps. It's just the sound of stethoscopes hitting chests. Oh wow. I mean that's a pretty quiet sound if you're doing it right. I think if they're hitting very heavily making a sound It's very heavily mic'd

That's a strike against the bedside manner Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's I think also why there's humor in it because they actually all seem to have terrible bedside manner And actually in the way they interact with Patients you can see why they're all single. Yes. And they all think that they're better than the other person, the other people who live at the manor.

There is a trope, this is a really good idea by the way, Alistairair and I hope you've written it down. There's a trope in TV of um in TV cop shows of dealing with um internal corruption you know there's a sort of a subset of police shows that are about uh police who investigate other police right and so you know I think it's an important topic an important thing because we have to realize that those people, they're not infallible. And it's good that that's depicted. Do you think there is or should be another similar theme to deal with the internal medicine department? Not the department of internal medicine, but I mean these are Investigate doctors Doctors who treat other doctors They're doctor doctors

The doctor doctors I'm writing down, you know, I know that there's I think it and I think what it is, is it's a doctor hospital, right? This is the hospital where doctors go Hospital just for doctors Once a year year every doctor travels across the world to get, does a pilgrimage to the doctor, doctor hospital. No, no, that's not, that's not in Alastair. The idea, if you're a doctor, if your doctor is sick, you take them to the doctor hospital, right, where the doctors are treated, treated by other doctors. And what's

funny about this sketch is it's very confusing when somebody says, now doctor, Oh, that would be good. Because they don't know if they're talking to the patient or to the doctor or to the nurse, because in this hospital, the nurses first names are all doctor and their surnames. first names are all doctor and their surnames so all their names are also Exactly How do you feel about this Let's just see and so, you know

We've been tired for a long time, but I'm starting to feel like this might be a tired episode No, this could be a tired episode. No this could be the tiredest episode Andy. No it's Andy Andy Andy. So they but then some of the things that they have to treat is is how the doctor's doctor right so they go so like ah. Yes maybe one of the conditions is the doctor has he's got some sort of um inflammation of his bedside manner. Yes. Bedside manners. Yes. He's swollen or withered or both.

Yes. Both swollen and withered. Oh, withered and swollen. It actually looks really normal. Yes. You know, it's lost a lot of its plumpness due to old age and it's sort of deteriorated, but then it's gotten really swollen and kind of got its shape back.

Maybe that's what the elderly need is a bit more inflammation to make them look less wrinkled. That's right they need to be slapped or have their bones broken a bit, just a little bit. Just a little bit. Slapped to the point of breaking bones it's true that like you can hit little kids that's fine and they have amazing plump skin famously right and you can pinch their cheeks right they've got those who's to say if you want if you want to pinch their cheeks because their cheeks are so plump or if their cheeks are so plump because they get pinched,

but the older somebody becomes the less you're allowed to slap them and hit them and maybe that's why they're chronically lacking in swelling. That's right, being allowed to be hit is actually what keeps you youthful, what keeps you on your toes. And can it be, does it seem to strike anybody as unusual that the word swell, oh that's just swell, means good? That's right. Why are we so against inflammation all of a sudden?

Oh that's just swelling. Andy, I want one of the doctors who's in the doctor's office. He says, and he says, how can I help you doctor? He says, well, doctor, it hurts when I do this. And then that doc, and then the patient doctor has his own patient there. And he goes, and he says to the patient, he goes, I think that you've got lupus like that

And he goes ah like that any winces with pain and so then the doctor can help cure his doctoring beast injury You know that's not quite picture it so he's Quite a complicated scenario. No, it's not complicated. There's three people in the room. One doctor.

Well, no, there's two doctors and that's confusing to me. So there's the doctor who's doctoring and then there's the doctor who's being the patient. Okay, let's give them proper names. Okay, so doctor, doctor. That's the doctor who's doctoring. Doctor, doctor, doctor, patient. And then there's patient, doctor. Yes, patient, doctor. And then there's patient, doctor. Yes, patient, doctor.

And then there's patient, patient. Yes. So doctor, doctor goes, what seems to be the problem? Patient, doctor says, well, it hurts when I do this. And then he looks at the patient, patient. And then he says, I think you've got lupus. But then he goes, ah, and he wins us with pain.

Patient doctor. Now, now, sorry, sorry. Thank you. You can see why people might be patient doctor is the one who wants us in pain. Yes. All right. OK, because it would be insane for him to go and see a doctor because his patients wins when he tells them that they have lupus.

I, I agree. I agree, Alastair, but it is already an unusual scenario that we've created. So I think, you know, it's marginal how much more insane it can get, but I completely understand what you're saying now Alastair and I support it. Yeah, and then he's got an inpatient doctor does another one and he goes anything, so doctor doctor goes anything else and he goes also There's I've noticed this and then he patient doctor says to patient patient Get up on this thing and he gets him to sit up on the thing and then he he hits his knee He does patient doctor hits patient patients knee with a little mallet and the knee

Kicks in with the reflex and then the doctor's leg kicks backwards doctor hits patient patient's knee with a little mallet and the knee kicks in with the reflex and then the doctor's leg kicks backwards patient doctor so he's got a he's having a sort of a reaction to the doctor's sympathetic yeah it could be sympathetic it could be empathetic it could be empathetic, it could be, it could be... Hydromatic, it could be automatic. Symptomatic, it could be grease lightning. So that's where your doctors go to get their doctoring fixed. Yeah, yeah, no, I think that's really good. I also just love the idea of a doctor taking their patient around with them places

I don't know why but then you meant you brought that up as an idea in a side motorcycle with a sidecar Yeah Either that or a flying carpet a Motorcycle with a flying carpet. I love it. I saw it flying carpet I suppose that's what that they would have had it back in Persia Hmm in the Persian days carpet punk. That's what they were trying to start carpet punk Cuz you know Persia Persia had a lot of rub. They had a lot of rugs

Yes, and they were they they used them for everything transport isn't it crazy that really it's a flying rug but we say flying true yeah because it's not like a huge roll of like floor carpet you have to staple down that well maybe that's why you do have to staple it down, to stop it flying away. That's probably it. Mmm, it really is, but you're right, it is a flying rug. Or a mat, maybe it's a mat at best. A flying, sort of a flying welcome mat.

Mmm, well a mat is at a rug rug, is synonymous, isn't it? Maybe. Maybe not. It feels smaller. Maybe not. Do you think, which do you think is a broader category? I think mat is a broader category and rug is a subset of mat. I would say it's the opposite.

Really? Yeah. I would say a mat is a very limited thing. It probably can't get bigger than a torso. That's absolutely not true at all. Yeah. I mean. No, I think mat, because mat can incorporate like gym mats and that kind of thing. So you've got to accept that and you wouldn't call those a rug, right?

So I think a rug is a mat, but a mat is not necessarily a rug. I think a mat. I would say that some mats are rugs. Here we go, here we go. And then other mats are like mattresses. That's probably what they're short for. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I almost agreed and then I caught myself. Oh, I managed to stop myself from agreeing. From acknowledging that you're obviously correct. It just so happens that there's two things called mats and that sometimes you step on one of the mats, but really it's more for laying and kneeling on. Yep. That's what I feel.

I agree. Yeah. Andy, I had an idea earlier, right? Because you've seen cop shows and you've seen doctor shows, but what about the cop and doctor show, right? That's really good. And you got four you got four protagonists two are cops one two are doctors right now. Yep. But one of the doctors. What about three of there are

four protagonists three of them are cops and three of them are doctors. One of them is a cop doctor. Cop doctor, that's the main character. Yeah, great. He's like Blade, he's like the day walker. He can walk in both worlds. He's equally at home. No, he can night shift in both worlds. He can night shift in both.

He's the day night shifter. He could do back-to-back night shifts and that's what allows him to walk amongst the doctors and kill them. That's right, he's the only one who could slay doctors. But I did have something where I was like one of the doctors is a criminal and but and then one of the cops is his guy man on the inside and one of the cops is the cops that into in that investigates doctor crimes And one of the doctors is a doctor who treats cop injuries, cop sicknesses. Wait, cop injuries? Now, I really like this idea, I think it's fantastic, I think it's absolutely fantastic. I had a question, which is, okay, what kind of crime

is the crime doctor involved in? Because I would kind of like it to not be anything related to drugs or medicine or malpractice. I'd really like it to be if he was sort of like involved in bank robberies or something. Because you don't see doctors do that kind of thing. That's right.

But imagine, you know, you're a cop. Now you're a regular cop. You're not a doctor cop or a cop doctor. And you're also not a corrupt cop who's in the pay of a doctor. I just want to clear that up. You're a regular cop. You show up at the scene of a bank robbery. And you notice that the crime has been done with surgical precision.

Mm-hmm. Okay? And it's it's and it makes you begin to suspect that it is part of a string of crimes. The only thing that they all have in common is that they've all been done with surgical precision. That's right. Not all bank robberies. He runs an illegal poker game with that. But as he walks in, there's nobody left, but he can see that the deck had been not just cut, but surgically cut. Sliced. And this series of crimes, all of them, the only thing they have in common is that, is that the thing we said, I've said the words so many times, I can't bring myself to say them again.

And that leads him to start investigating. Hey, it's Mitch from Side Note Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver.

And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and BAM instant inspiration you can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com yes that's right and in the criminal justice system in the criminal justice and medical system. Good. Crimes, crime-based offences and... And I'm sorry, crime-based medical problems and medical-based offences are considered especially heinous. In... And then we'd find a good city for this maybe in let's see what's that one with all the Mormons maybe salt lake city salt lake city the dedicated detectives and doctors who investigate and do the thing doctors do, these vicious felonies and maladies are members of an elite squad known as the cop doctors.

Now, are you interested in the word Doctectives? Does that help you in any way? Oh, Doctectives, yes. Anyway, I'm not going to charge you any money for that. If you do turn this into a long-running TV show You can have that for free Alistair Doc-tectives and I'm also just gonna put this out there as well as a possible title Laura law and orderly Law and orderly Yes, the obviously that's refers more to the hospital early orderlies Who are not themselves doctors, but except in the doctor hospital. In the doctor hospital, the orderlies are, while they're not called doctor, doctor, and

they aren't doctors themselves, they are all dressed as doctors. Well Andy, it's amazing that you would come up with that because that's actually the second idea I had for a show about people in the justice system and people in the health system. It was called Law Clerk and Orderly. None of them are doctors. None of them are doctors. None of them actually do sort of anything in the justice system except for sort of assist. That's really good.

But you see them work around people and they have to, you know, just get out of the way but get a lot of good job work done. Job work. Job work. I mean I'm interested in the idea of a show called Orderlies or possibly Disorderlies. It is set in a hospital but you don't see the doctors except maybe in a sort of a Charlie Brown style where they're much taller than the orderlies and you just see their legs and their voices going sort of like that while the orderly scuttle around close to the ground more like bugs than humans living their orderly or disorderly little lives, eating food from underneath the fridges.

Let's see, fornicating behind the skirting boards and getting caught in traps. I missed a very clear important line when you were explaining what these things are. Alastair, I'm not gonna explain it to you. I think whatever you're imagining is better than I could possibly convey. I was just being a fuckhead Alastair and I started out saying that they were orderlies and then I started to suggest that they never actually saw the doctors or that if they did the doctors appeared like the adults in the Charlie Brown animations. Okay, yeah, yeah, that's good. Where you just sort of see their lower body because they're all much taller than the orderlies.

Yeah. Right and then I was going into an irritating and drawn out riff where the orderlies are basically bugs scuttling around on the ground. Oh, not irritating, Andy, just disorienting. Just borderline mania inducing. Yeah.

Andy, how many, what is the most amount of fingers you've ever gotten to a cantaloupe? A small opening in a cantaloupe. Are you looking at a cantaloupe right now? No I'm not, but do you think? That's an incredible ability that you have Alastair, to think of things that aren't right in front of you, because I've got to tell you and this comes this really trips me up a lot of the time even when I'm trying to guess the words at the end of the episode I can almost never think of anything that isn't in my line of sight I don't know how you do it but the fact

that you can think of a cantaloupe when there's no cantaloupe that's like magic to me that's almost as impressive as being able to actually manifest a real cantaloupe from out of pure nothingness. Which brings me to something I've been meaning to bring up for a while. But let's talk more about your point. Oh Andy, just, if you've had something that you've wanted to say for a long time, I think that's probably a better thing. Alright, okay, fine. I am, I feel like I brought a bit of an obnoxious energy to this episode.

No Andy, Andy, Andy. Railroading you. No, no, you're not railroad, Andy, come on. I just talked about essentially fisting a cantaloupe and you thought that I had somewhere to go with it? All I had in the idea was I was gonna suddenly have, imagine just having both of your fists inside of a can each each Have their own cantaloupe

and you probably call it you probably can't call it cantaloupe and That's all I would have sure Yeah, rock melon rock melon and a cantaloupe are the same thing. Yeah, they're just two sides of the same Vegetable, honey. Yes yes that's right the melon vegetable the melon vegetable that's a good idea for an eye candy and not a melon a vegetable melon melon that's also a vegetable come on and I'm not talking about a squash. I mean, let's see, what would it be? A lot of you think I'm talking about a squash. And you're yelling at your iPods right now. You're saying, you're talking about a squash.

That's what they're yelling. That's what they're saying. Or at the very least, you mean a gourd. And I go, I don't mean either of those a good and I don't mean either they'll sing and I don't and I don't mean a pumpkin what'd you just do to the mic just said that was incredible just my hand brushed against my my headphones oh that's the listeners won't have experienced whatever that was you're you it's it sounded almost like yeah like a mic being rubbed into a felt

or something like that. I've never, hadn't forgotten that you must have like, anyway, what was your idea that you were gonna talk about? Alastair, I've forgotten already. It's gone again. And the thing that you've wanted to say for years. And it wasn't that good. Yeah, for years.

It's slipped away. And that's my, I've learned the lesson there for not making the conversation more stilted. So I could hold onto that idea, but it's gone. But Alistair, I reckon we've got five things written down. I've got a feeling. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh yeah, you're right.

You're right, actually. You do. Yeah, you do have an instinct. Well, Andy, then why don't we just take us to three words from a listener? Please do. Okay. Well Andy, I don't know if you know this but we have listeners and some of those listeners They love Nay adore to support us on Patreon Sorry, was there a horse going past? Yeah, no

No on Patreon. So is there a horse going past? No. No. No. And one of those listeners is called Jim Little. Jim Little. Jim Little. Jim Little. Jim Little. Jim. Because there was an Australian sort of blues legend called Jimmy Little, wasn't there? I think there was, yeah. Yeah, might have been an indigenous guitarist and singer. I think he was a very significant figure in the history of Australian music. I don't know if this person is in any way connected to Jimmy Little. Oh, but at least he was the first Indigenous Australian to have a number one single. Oh, that would be cool. That would be a nice thing if that's real. If it's not, not real, that would be an insane thing for us to talk about.

He was robbed. But unfortunately today we're not, I don't think that we're being offered three words from Jimmy Little, but we are, but I don't think we need to fear disappointment because Jim Little is the first Jim Little to submit three words from a listener called Jim Little to Two and the Think Tank.

That's right. Yeah. Which for me is equally as of an achievement. And so would you like to try to guess what the first word? Okay. Well, I'll look in front of me and see what I can see I can give you one hint you probably don't see this in front of you My own back

Is my back I know back oh Andy no you didn't get a single letter correct. The first word is genie Genie, okay. Okay. Okay. Here we go second word wish wish no Andy mistakes Genie mistakes. Yeah. Okay now I wonder if it's about pianist if it's that classic thing but you think I asked for a six inch pianist? A 12 inch pianist? You're right, I think you're at the wish for the six. He gets out of six inch piano player. Guy with very average wishes. He's just realistic. He's just he's not, you know, come on.

Is it interesting that everybody, you know, likes to lay into, uh, guys with big penises and say, oh, but do they know how to use it? But nobody says the same thing about women with very tight vaginus. That's right. If you know how to use it. Does she know how to use it? No. if you know how to use it. Does she know how to use it? No, in fact, I don't think anybody, ever, anywhere, has ever criticised the way in which a woman deploys her vagina. I could be wrong, but I feel like there is a low bar to be, I think it's... Sure, sure.

But maybe not, maybe not. No, I mean Andy, I think people attribute things like dexterity to men and, you know, body motion, stamina, strength and power, all these things. Sure. power all these things sure and and the only criticism I've ever heard of the is of women there is the the that the sea creature the starfish oh but then that's really not a general issue that's actually the rest of the body. Yeah, that's the problem. Anyway, I want to know in the starfish situation, is that really the position that is being assumed? Anyway, look, it's fine.

One point goes north, then one goes, I think, I guess the arms go east and west, and then the legs go sort of southeast and southwest. Yeah. All right, Alastair. Do I still have to guess a word? Yes. After the third thing you... Genie.

Mistakes. I'm going to say pianola. Pianola. Pianola... Pianola... Let's see... let me look it up. Flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip is it har's accordus. . sneeze. Genie mistakes sneeze. Wow okay. Ah yes for three wishes but he gives him three

tissues. Oh. Oh that's what it is. Or you know or he sneezes and then the genie hears a wish within that. Ah, yeah, ah, whew. And maybe it's actually like a Persian phrase. Oh, now we're really in. Yeah, that's blowing this wide open. Because I was gonna struggle to come up with an English phrase that that sounded exactly like. Oh.

Well, because you often see a lot of the genies, they do have that kind of, like, you know, like they've been to like a Middle Eastern barber and they've got that kind of very thin goatee. Yeah. You know, like a guy really knows what he's doing. So, and I assume that that's a, you know, like it's more of a Persian style.

A lot of these guys are wearing Persian wear. They recently went to a Persian costume shop. Yeah, load it up. It's a very Persian episode between this and the rug stuff earlier. It's probably our most Persian version. Persian version. This is the Persian episode. And this makes me think that Triple J should introduce a new version called Like A Persian and basically you take a popular song and then you do it in a really offensive accent. Now it doesn't have to be a Persian accent. Could you do it in a Persian musical style? No, I'm afraid not. I only wish you could, but that's a different thing entirely.

But what's great about it and what makes it so inclusive is that it doesn't have to be a Persian accent and the accent that you have to do it in is Spun up on a big wheel beforehand. So you don't actually have any choice So you haven't chosen to do this accent, right? You just have to do it on the spot just before you start seeing the song right and and that's why it's not actually an act of Racism. Yes what you are doing. not actually an act of racism. Yes.

What you are doing. It is an act of God. It is random. So God is forcing you. Really God, it's God doing the accent in that regard. Wow, yeah, I like that. Speaking in one tongue. Yeah, I think that. Speaking in one tongue.

Yeah, I think that's a good loophole. Yeah. So what's that called? Like a Persian? Yeah, that's right. And I stand by that. I stand by that as a sketch idea. Okay, where were we heading with the last thing?

We were heading, we were talking about the G. Well, the sneeze sounding like something in Arabic or Persian language maybe yes I chew ah yeah yeah I think a lot of the time you know like all that side stuff where the genie will do certain things and will show you you know will I take you places to show you things sometimes but it doesn't count as wishes. That's the stuff I'm really in the the human genie relationship for. All those little magic tricks that don't quite count as a wish. Yeah, those little bonus sort of, yeah, bits of stuff around the sides.

Yeah, where he like moment. Those are sort of factory standard or what would you call those? Yeah, they're like, I guess they're like, they're inclusions. They're like little inclusion things, yeah, because like, it's like the genie has so much magic and he can't really help himself from using it. And it would, you probably could just do pretty well just going out to nightclubs and just having a genie. And occasionally like, I don't know if the other people can see the genie,

but like, but then, you know, occasionally, like you're dressed up like a, I don't know, like a prince or something like that. You're suddenly dressed up, you know, like in a, like in the tiger skin or something like that. Cause he's trying to show you something. And then people are like, whoa, look at all this. And they want to hang out with you and they buy

you drinks and stuff. Yeah, I think, you know, that's nice to just have around and I wonder if what is the reason that genies do that? Is it because they've grown up magical? Right? And so if you had infinite magic within you, it would be actually almost impossible to learn how to do things normally. Like you'd have to really make a conscious choice and an effort to learn to just sort of walk normally

or take the bus or something like that. It would be a conscious choice, like being born rich and then choosing to go and you know live in some poverty stricken scenario hmm the temptation would be almost overwhelming to fall back on your infinite magical powers yeah but also when you got a when you got a genie do you think that you could just get them to do physical tasks without accounting as a wish you could just you got a genie, do you think that you could just get him to do physical tasks without it counting as a wish? Do you think you could just have like a genie butler?

Yes. You're like, you know, can you just say like, hold this? You know? Yeah. Like, because technically he's still bound to you. Like, this is not me trying to be mean to genies, obviously, but- No, but I am really interested in what the loopholes are. I wonder if you did have this genie situation, whether you would hire one of those major

consulting firms like a Deloitte or a KPMG to help you to make the most out of your genie situation. Because I think there must be a lot of ways to get value out of a genie without making those wishes and really string it out as far as possible. Yeah, I think that would be good. I wonder if you can lay on a genie and just like, if it would be comfortable. Well, certainly the one in Aladdin, which I think is what we're mostly basing this off of the animation. He looks kind of squishy and kind of comfortable. Well that's

what I think yeah. I don't think I'd want to lay on a gen. I think I'd like to lay on a genie. He's genious. And I don't think again lying on top of it I don't think that counts as a wish. That doesn't count as a wish. I mean unless you say I wish to lay on you. That's just a silly thing And also I'd love to see how he twists that one. I Would almost waste a wish just to see how he twists it. I wish to lay on you To lay I wish to lay on you to lay it's probably a Persian dish called to lay you know and then he just has it spilt on him and you go god damn it I just wanted to lay down on your squishy almost ghost-like body. Yeah, I mean once the genie, this cheeky genie that we're now talking about

who tries to willfully misinterpret the things that you're saying, once he starts incorporating all known languages into that and saying, oh, I thought you said a million doulas which of course is a phrase in the uh now dead tongue of the Bahrainian Peninsula. Bahrainian Lime, Bahrainian Day. DNA. And as everybody knows, doulas actually means me farting in your mouth. Oh, you fool. He would just assume. And then he farts in your mouth a million times.

Oh no. That would actually be pretty bad. I don't even like that. Yeah. Happened once. Yeah, okay. Well, Genannie Butler. Is there anything there in any of that?

Jeannie Butler, I mean, just keeping the Jeannie around. I think keeping the Jeannie around and not wanting to use the wishes. Yeah. And the Jeannie is like, he's swelling up with all this wish power. Well, loneliness. He's got blue balls and also blue head and face yes exactly you're giving me blue knee and that's when you say that to your girlfriend when she's kicking you in the knee do you

think that by inventing money we all have sort of in a way invented magic? Because money is sort of like a type of magic in that it doesn't have a tangible ability to do something, but by even just talking about it, offering it to people, you can make them want to do things, you can influence things, you can change the world with this intangible, mystical, you know, just words. Andy, I don't, I don't believe that, but if you are willing to spend one of your wishes on it, I will make it so

Because then that's what the genie would say and then he'd be yeah Yeah And then I can make it like that so that and then he just makes it so that every time you say something It's incredibly accurate to the world by changing the world That's easy Sounds good good. Thanks Jeannie. Do you spend any time thinking about Jeannies and thinking about what you would do if you got wishes? I reckon I spend more time thinking about it than I would like. Yeah, I mean it definitely plays a part of my life. It's not completely absent, that's for sure.

It's actually one of my big backup plans. I mean, I have family members that I feel their backup plan is winning the lottery, which is not that different. Yeah. Especially now that money is magic. Yeah, well that will help. That wish I made. Yeah, I think the genie, really just having a genie and not using his wishes, it will save you from loneliness. Yes. Just having a person forced to be around you all the time. And a beautiful... Like a pet. And to be honest, I'm more interested in the lamp. I just love antiques.

My wishes have already been, I don't have any more wishes to be honest. All I really wanted was this lamp and for there to be nothing inside of it. And well, I can't think of anything else I want. How about we wrap it up? If I'd got the wishes beforehand, I just would have wished for an empty lamp anyway. But I've already found it. And so I guess my first wish is I'll keep the lamp. Yep. Do you think if you wish to keep the lamp do you

think that that would there's any way that you could lose it then? Well if Jafar got hold of it. Yeah but you just wished to keep it. That's true. Does sound good. You know I just wish I might be oh what about this you wish your first wish is I don't want any of my wishes to go wrong. Oh wrong like in the ancient defunct language of the Basmati Peninsula. Yes Basmati we're alive in Basmati Peninsula? Basmati we're livin' Basmati day I think the listeners have had enough Alastair I think they're done

Ok Andy let me take you through a sketch of ideas We've got the Brined Heads instead of speakers and mics By the way the Brined Heads, great name for a band Brined Heads yes, Pickle Punk Then we've got, that's also the style of music. That's what they play. The guy who's just fine to live under construction materials for making a house. We've got the masses. This is fine like this. It's fine like this. I like it like this.

Don't bother putting it together. It's alright. The jibrox getting all wet and fraying and everything. Nah. You're just too worried about things. We got the massive stroke doctor. Great. We got the bedside manner sitcom.

Yeah, this really set off a really great run of very strong, very good sitcom ideas. Then we got the doctors doctors hospital. And then we got then we got the cop doctor show, which is two cops and two doctors, also known as doctortectives or law and orderly. or law clerk and orderly then we have the flying carpet but not the flying rug and then we have a man wishes for six inch penis i think that is because he had actually had a very large penis

really oh but then the genie that's with the who's hard of hearing gives him a six inch high pianist. Yeah. And he still has to struggle on. Yeah. And more maybe that but maybe he doesn't miss here maybe it's because the genie wishes that he had a bigger penis and he doesn't Want to let this guy Get a penis reduction You know what I mean Because he's like he thinks that the dream and the wish is such a bad wish because he's all he thinks about Is pushing him he has a duty of care. That's right. And then

Even though the guy with the 18 inch penis is like obviously this has been terrible for my life It's been a very bad thing But the genie doesn't you know, he hasn't experienced that he just thinks it's it would be so cool. Everybody be so impressed And then there's the like a Persian idea that Andy came up with purely by himself and then there's the Jeannie Butler which is a full idea that Alistair that pretty much takes ownership of I think. Andy how dare you. Thank you Jim Little. I hope that didn't. I think we're like Lenin McCartney and we all our ideas have to be shared equally. Yes so today we could used a harrison. Could have. Yeah. Even my b-a-ringo. Um, anyway, but I think one of the... Ha-da, ha-da, ha-da-da, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- Thank you so much for listening to In the Think Tank Alistair you were going to say something. I don't think so. I was just...

Okay. Well everybody it's been so wonderful. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. It has been so much wonder. I'd like to commend to you my recent episode of the Gargle podcast that you could listen to and I would like to give a shout out to Denver who came to the stupid old Comedy Lab showcase, talent showcase that I was helping to host and said hi and Denver said that they love the podcast and I've got to say it meant a great deal to me. It's a beautiful thing. Thank you Denver from all of us here at the Toon and the Think Tank podcast. All of us.

And we love you. Bye.