Two In The Think Tank - 456 - "THE DILGLOW"

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh man baby lady baby man baby lady baby man baby lady baby man. Hello and welcome to to In the Think Tank the show where we come up with five sketch ideas and in which I am Andy. And in which I play the character of Alistair George William Trombley-Birtchell. And you play it very well. Oh thank you. I might add it to my mind it is the definitive performance. Who would play Andy in the podcast that Andy does? Now if I if I misunderstand your question incorrectly

then I believe the answer that is I was gonna Sean Connery, but I'll take it. Sean McConnery. A present day Sean Connery. Yes, Sean McConnery. We managed to get Sean McConnery for this. Sean Connery? Now Sean Connery he famously pronounces everything like this. Do we know that his name actually was Sean Connery? It might have been Seen Connery. Oh yes Seen. Or Saan.

Or Seen. Sawn. He would have been sawn and he pronounces sawn sawn shawry he might have been called a connery in the coal mine a connery in the coal mine very good that's where you send that that I suspect that was what the movie, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was in that they sent Sean Connery not the film could be so bad, uh, that Sean would want, no longer want to appear in movies. Is that what actually happened? Is that what happened?

Yeah, it made, it made him not want to be in films anymore. He was in a lot of stinkers though, wasn't as well too. I know, I know, but that's, I mean mean That's the same with coal mining as it is with filmmaking You can be down a stinker, but it's not necessarily deadly Your career, but when Sean Connery is in your film and decides he does not want to ever make another film That means that some toxic Gas has been released. Yes. What is it? Carbon monoxide? Is that what they're looking for?

Oh, they're always looking for that kind of crap, Andy. Yes. Climate change activists, all that. I actually think carbon monoxide is good for plants. It's actually plant food. It's actually really good. Carbon monoxide is actually human food. It's good for your lungs. You should breathe in more of it. It puts you to sleep, which is good for you. Yes, oh I'm sorry.

Uh, what? Oh, you're gonna be too rested. It kills you, which is bad apparently. Which is, oh, but that's good for the environment. So apparently now we don't care about the environment Get your story straight get your story straight Okay, which is it? Is it good or is it bad when people die from carbon monoxide inhalation? Is it good when people sleep and is it bad? Isn't it is it not good when people sleep and is it isn't it bad when we sleep? And isn't it bad when we take away... Isn't it good when we take away things that destroy the environment?

I mean, what are you arguing for? I mean, is there any consistency in your position? All I'm asking is for you to... You're like a person sleeping. Sorry, there's no... There's no consistency in their position because they're always moving. Famously. Famously, are always moving their sleep. Famously it is the time in which people move the most.

No but don't you think how insane it would be if you heard of a person who goes to sleep and then stays in that position and then wakes up and is in exactly the same position. It would be crazy if that didn't describe me and how I sleep. That would be insane to me to hear that if that wasn't exactly what happens in my life. Do you? Where I go to sleep in one position and wake up in that exact position. Yes. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta get a bit of trauma or something like that so you're always running even when your body is coursing with a chemical that's supposed to paralyze your body.

Well maybe some of us freeze up in response to trauma. Maybe it's you don't have enough Maybe I'm in like a rabbit in the headlights. Like a deer in also in the headlights. Have we thought of this before? Off-road trains. Have we suggested this? With sort of off-road metal wheels. Yeah, really big off-road metal wheels and they can sort of go up mountainsides and stuff. Oh, sand dunes. Yeah, a dune. A dune train. Dune train. It's a great phrase. It's great to hear it in the blues.

Do you think there's any chance that we could get George to change his band name to Dune Train? Well, the album hasn't been released yet. But it was completed. Even though we've listened to it. For anybody who's been following the George narrative over the last 10 years, and that he was both struggling to name his band and to finish an album, they finished it.

The album has been finished and the band has been named but we until they put ink to paper I believe it's still a live question and we have an opportunity to get new it could be tinkered names in there slip them in there. Did they change their name again? No. What is the name right now? It's called, um, oh I don't know if I can reveal it. Oh, but is it, okay, is it SS, the initials? Uh, SM. SM. Wait, I don't know if that's, what's, okay, can you tell me in what category? It's slow motion. The band is going to be called slow motion. Is that actually is? It? Yes, that is it. Oh, well then that's not the word. is going to be called slow. Is that actually is it? Yes. That is it Oh, well, then that's not the word. It used to be silk stairs. Oh

I don't even remember. I don't even remember that era. That's it. That's dead to me. That's so long ago That's when I stopped sending him names for bands Well, he just threw you off the scent didn't he? Well I knew because I didn't like it. I just went okay. Oh alright. Like all my work had gone to waste. What were we talking about just before the episode Alastair? We were talking about... Oh, well summer hibernation, that was pretty good.

Oh, yes, summer hibernation. And I feel that that's a bit more like putting something in a slow cooker, you know, at a really low temperature. Yeah. So basically your bear will go into a small, build a cave, fill it with a small amount of water. Maybe always at a pressure cooker I'm imagining a pressure cooker small amount of water go in there close up the door of the cave Lie in the small pool and months later when summer ends. It will emerge perfectly cooked Perfectly tender. I know but that doesn't date that that doesn't that doesn't hit it for me in terms of like an actual summer hibernation That's okay. Okay cooking a bear

Yep, did you know there's only like eight species of bear? Doesn't seem like enough does it it feels like there's I mean for how popular they are You know, yeah, they I guess I guess the Beatles well they loom large don't they in the public consciousness that's right in real life they loom looming large is really that's probably the reason they loom large in the consciousnesses because they look large in reality. It's because they're large looming. Actually that's a great way there's a real there's a real lesson there for all of us which is that if you do want to loom large in the public consciousness don't

overlook the very direct route of looming large in reality mmm you know people think it's a cliche but being physically threatening I have considered I've considered trying to be a bit more of a tough guy okay yeah great intimidating people you know a little bit yeah I what do you think you'll do differently well you know what I I know somebody in the in the scene here who's quite intimidating and I saw him get on to a train before he saw me and I saw him sit next a train before he saw me. And I saw him sit next to a guy who was sitting on a sort of a two seat thing,

but his leg was a little bit on the empty seat. And so he sat down and then he kind of waved to the guy to like move his leg over. You know, instead of just tolerating it like I would. Oh wow. You know? So you got to observe a tough guy in the world. I got to observe a tough guy in his natural environment, the world. Yeah.

Earth. A train. And like genuinely just kind of like do a sort of a tough guy move, which is to not put up with people's bullshit. Yeah. Do you think that's what tough guys do? Not put up with people's bullshit? Yeah. Do you think that's what tough guys do, not put up with people's bullshit? Well, they don't have to. But I mean, yeah, but also, I mean,

tough guys often have a lot of bullshit of their own. Oh, of course. I mean, the guy who had it, yeah. Yeah, go. You replace their bullshit with your bullshit. That's what it is. Well, what they're doing, yeah, is that they're getting rid of your bullshit

and bringing in their bullshit. So there's more room. I mean you probably want the guy to move his leg. That's what I do because I am a tough guy. I didn't tell you this Alistair. Is that I get onto trains where people's legs aren't taking up space on my side of the seat and then I wave to them and then get them to move their legs further over onto their side so that I can spread out.

Well you know what I do is I get there and I go and I wave them to bring their leg closer to me. Have some of your leg on my seat. Mm, please. So that we're kind of up and touching and they've got a perfect V in their legs. Mm. A perfect V.

But maybe that's what it is, maybe that's why they do it. It's not because they want to assert themselves, it's because they yearn for human contact. And they're actually just spreading out like a goldfish growing in a pond until their legs reach a width where they feel pushback of human something or other. Maybe it's a natural instinct. Maybe it's a natural instinct to man spread so that the funk, your crotch funk can has the best opportunity to waft.

To waft. To emanate. Let's do an experiment where we put a tough guy. Let's do an experiment where we put a tough guy, we build an infinite bench seat, like a train seat, but we build it, you know, well not exactly infinity but pretty close to infinity wide. What about a big circle that goes around an auditorium? Oh that's really great, yeah that's a really good idea. We put him on there with nobody else on the seat and we watch as his legs slowly get further and further apart

He tears himself in half Sort of like a goldfish in a in a lake, you know, how how how how far can the man's bread grow? if it wasn't confined to sort of a you know, like a Domesticated bowl or you know a train carriage or whatever. Yeah but my theory is that he will rip himself. He will absolutely split at the gooch. Split at the gooch. Have to bloody give him the... Oh no! Get the doctor to sew him back up because his anus will have split all the way to his testicles.

Yeah, we see it, we see the strains start to emerge. His partner will have to ask for the waif stitch. Oh! I've never... I can't think of what the wife stitch is yet, but I feel like the husband stitch is such a horrible concept of a thing that's in the sort of... that it would be great to finally hear what the wife stitch would be. Well, I do know that... I I mean what if he had a very let's just go the very root one obvious option which is that he has an even tighter

butthole right? Yeah great. What would that achieve? Well it would mean that his farts had a higher pitch. Yeah. It would mean he spent longer on the toilet groaning in pain. Yeah that in pain. Let's see. Because I guess if you stitched his urethra closed or like one through the middle then he would even have a bit more of a split in this thing. What were you going to say? No but I think if it was a tighter urethra so you had a more consistent urine stream that could be directed more nice and straight into the toilet bowl without creating that spray around that general sort of mist around the region of the toilet. Even just

having like a hose fixture on the front that kind of gives a more direct spray. That's less of a stitch. It's less of a stitch unless it's a very complicated stitch. They stitch in a little hose structure. Well women expect more from a stitch just because they have a bit more history of understanding. Oh Alastair, how dare you. I'm so sorry. This is so reductive. Oh I apologise. I am sorry. My wife just bought a sewing machine? I'm so sorry. This is so reductive. Oh, I apologize. I am sorry My wife just bought a just bought a sewing machine Your beloved my beloved is She is with stuff sewing machine. Yes. She's sewing for two now her and the sewing machine

Great yeah, and so that's... What's she gonna make? What's she gonna make? I mean, what has... She's already made so many things in the week that she's had it or so, but... Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like she's making clothes for the kids, like, you know, shirts.

She's... What? She's making a stuffed animal. She's already made like a jumper from other jumpers that that you know, it's like buy secondhand ones and like Tear them apart and peace Frankenstein together some stuff Frankens t-shirt Frankens t Frankens What I was gonna say about the about the subber summer hibernation is that one of the reasons why they have hibernation in the winter is that it's like the winter's just so intolerable

and it's so difficult to find food in these conditions that they just go to sleep, right? They just eat a ton before and then go to sleep. But now the summer's becoming so hot, right? That it would make sense to just become, you know, to do that. Now, if there was a funnier reason, like, you know, if it was like, you know, you hate the beach, you don't like ice cream.

I mean, in a way, in, yeah, in the field of television and entertainment that we have worked in in the past. The non-ratings period. Yeah, there's often, there's often no work during the summer period and so it's almost, you know, it's not a very funny reason to go into hibernation but it would be a very good financial reason if only you convinced your family to also sleep. I think, you know, seeing the TV writer burrowing into the pile of half or even less than half used notebooks in the corner of his shed, making a warm space, gluing the pages together with his own urine to create a hardy wall that will keep out the heat, the harsh summer heat with that famous insulating power of paper.

I can really picture that pile of notebooks and you're sort of shoving your head in there, digging with your strong, your powerful writer's forearms, kicking with your back legs to push the pile out and around you. Swallowing a bed of pencils. Yes, publishing season is over now. He has filled his belly on the last catering lunch, the last catered shoot of the season, and on nibbles from subsequent rap party. Now with his belly distended and with his own and personal failures to digest. Yes with the ennui of a in-shop appearance for signing things and having to sit there alone while no one comes up to the desk. That he is perfectly set up for wanting to shut his body down for roughly three and a half months.

Yes, I love that you got, you worked the ennui into there. The ennui had to be in there. Ennui into there. Oh the ennui had to be in there. Ennui. Oh I just got an email telling me that Temu has updated their terms of use. Oh that sounds good. Hmm I hope they make them better. But if you go there and you read the terms of use you can spin a wheel to get even better T's and C's Oh, that would be good And what have you bought from Tmoo Alastair? Be honest. I can't remember if I've actually I'm not even sure if I've actually Completed a Tmoo purchase. I'm more of an Aliexpress guy. I bought most of the equipment that I used whilst on my long bike ride last year was AliExpress.

And actually a lot of it worked pretty well. Oh, great. Yeah, like a lot of the bike bags, the different things for the saddle bags and the things for the side and stuff like that. I got my bike shorts, like the long ones with the straps that go over the shoulder and the cushion butt thing. Got that off there.

Long ones with straps that go over the shoulder? I didn't know about this. Oh yeah. I was really like being a biker, you know? Do you ever bust those out again for your beloved in the bedroom? Yes, absolutely. Bust those out again for your beloved in the bedroom? Do you ever step out of the- Yes, absolutely. Yes, I put something that's much more difficult to take off in the bedroom to assure her that I won't be trying any funny business tonight.

I'm just gonna slip into something less accessible. Yes, I'm gonna slip into something more comfortable for you so you don't feel sexually harassed. Comfortable in the knowledge that. Oh, I... Sometimes it feels. This is not obviously an always thing. But in the process of ever having to proposition a partner, right?

Yes, ah yes. In order to... for the act of... The age-old dance. ...sexual mating. The disgusting act. in order to, for the act of the angel's dance sexual mating the disgusting act the disgusting shameful act asking your beloved to degrade themselves yes, and you go, today I am feeling a little bit like I could

yes, beautifully put Alistair that would work for me bit like I could. Like that. Right? Sometimes in the next... Beautifully put Alistair. That would work for me. That was beautifully put and that would work for me. Yeah. But it's when it happens and then the other person is obviously not in the mood and you kind of go, I feel like this relationship needs an HR person because this is not good that you have to deal with it. that I should have yeah exactly you know there

should just be a more formal process where it should just be like you get a notification on your phone you swipe right if you think you feel like it this is good and then they swipe right and then you only know if you go back in and you check and it's been, or I guess you just get a notification. You just get a notification. It's like, yeah. And then you go, whoa. It's happening.

Yeah. Because I mean, a lot of the time you're probably in different rooms, just looking at your own phones. Yeah. If you just got a notification anyway that just went, the other person has accepted your thing. You know, you probably, you know, sometimes you would go,

because on certain occasions, for me it doesn't necessarily matter whether or not I'm in the mood. So if I'm just getting a go ahead, I'm a guy who sometimes just will enjoy taking advantage of an opportunity that arrives, even if it wasn't my idea. Of course, you know, you can see the logic.

I can see the logic. You can be one round. Yeah. It's like anything where you just don't know where the next opportunity will come from and so you may as well seize the day like that. And so... That DM's not going to cap a itself. That's right And so sometimes I would probably just set my app to any time

Yeah, always on and then I mean in many ways this is it's probably we're going back to just the same system And we're just putting it into an app and then we're we're we're just generating money from from ads putting it into an app and then we're just generating money from ads. Pretending that's better somehow. Yeah, but I mean as an app to create and just because it feels like it's the kind of dumb thing that people would download and then I couldn't make ad revenue, this is not that crazy. I think it's not that crazy. You know what? I think that this could be what apps like,

because dating apps are having a slump. They're going through a slump, Alastair. Do you know this? Oh no, you're kidding. Well, I mean, do you think that after all this time when they're like charging for people to actually be shown to real people and they have sort of AI bots on there pretending to be people and things like that,

do you think that would be putting people off of the dating apps in some way and then the actual people that are on there Also freaking treat people like garbage I wonder if any of those things are playing a part in these things. I don't know Alastair. I don't know I don't pretend to know but I do know that maybe this is what they've been looking for that they that now tinder it's not just for single people it's not just for people looking for sex yes or for relationships it's now tinder is for people already in a relationship who are looking to move to the bedroom that's right and then and then the next logical step is,

it's not just for people looking for sex, it's not even just for people who are in relationships who are trying to move things into the bedroom. Then the next step is obviously extend the app for people who are currently having sex, thinking about the next time they're gonna do it. Exactly. I mean, you're always looking for growth potential as a business owner and why should our app that helps people to have sex, why should we overlook potentially our biggest

market? People that we know are having sex and like to have sex, those are the people who are currently having sex. I wonder what the most accessed website is while people are having sex. Probably porn. I would safely hazard. Did I tell you one time that I was walking through the city at night time and past a club and there was some like a guy having sex with a woman up against the wall and the guy was looking at his phone like just outside just like woman up against the wall and the guy was looking at his phone, like just outside, just off of the sidewalk and the guy's looking at his phone while it was happening.

Wow. Wow. It's like, I need this and to, I swear he was checking SMSes. Like. They say men can't multitask. That's right. I give you exhibit A. Exhibit. Exhibitionist A.

Oh yeah. Exhibitionist A. That was very good. Alizal thank you. Aliz dear. Yeah. Another thing we discussed briefly before the podcast. Yeah. Was saying, I'm not fat, I'm just retaining solid.

Oh yeah, that's right, retaining solids. And I think that deserves making it to the pot. Yeah, that was actually one of the things that made us go, you know what, we better just start recording. For some reason, we're just having ideas come out. And then once we get on pod, we're like, oh, I'm not sure if I have any ideas left.

Well, that wasn't my observation about the experience of coming onto the podcast, Alistair, but if that's how you feel, and I respect that. Oh, and it's the only thing I feel. I stepped into a void of creativity, Alistair. You know who I really love? The one of the few things I really love on on Instagram or whatever is they're,

there I ruined it and it's a, like I guess some kind of music producer that takes songs and then messes them up in some way. And he took the song Hurt with Johnny Cash singing. And then he put it to the music of Jingle Bells. I heard the news today. The head I could play.

The only thing I could say. Yeah, how did he do that? Well, that's why I think it's so good, is because I can't, I guess it's autotune and stuff like that, but I just can't, you know, I wouldn't know the first steps to to even isolating the vocals and then trying to wow To the music. Yeah Must be AI involved as well. I know you got to get that involved Andy You can't do anything these days without a bit of that

How are you gonna optimize your deliverables if you're not getting AI involved? How you know, how are you gonna streamline your? Procurement processes. Mmm, if you're not getting AI involved. How are you going to streamline your procurement processes if you're not getting AI involved? How are you going to usher in the apocalypse if not with AI? It's going to be very difficult at this stage. This is the thing, I mean, okay, Alastairair I'm starting to think and this is gonna sound dramatic yeah I'm starting to think that AI is the literal Antichrist and wow so it's like not only just like not only just that you think that it's bad but it actually makes you start believing in in sort of metaphysical things.

That's what's happened. Wow. No, I just was, I was just on some website, some Instagram, because we are using AI for work now. With some of the simple video stuff and even generating product shots for photography for this, for advertising. Yeah.

And I was on an Instagram page where this artistic collective is doing just sort of weird fucked up shit with AI. Yeah. And it just all made me feel so sick and it was like, oh, this is like nightmares, we are making our nightmares real. And for why I don't know, but I mean I guess it's cool, I guess it's cool art, but it just made me feel so scared.

I was like, okay, this is hell on earth. Yeah, I don't think it'll be as prominent when the keyword isn't affecting the markets as much. Mm, sure. Yeah, when that boom thing. Yeah, it'll just become a bit more of a background thing again. I mean, it'll still mess up everything.

But like, because that thing where it's like it messes up, like Google image results and things like that, where it's like, yeah, for a picture of something. And then it's like, I saw somebody looking up a picture of like pregnant Selma Hayek. And then they were like, oh, look, and there's a couple that are real. But then you look at all these messed up faces and the messed up kid faces and it's like, why are there fake photos of Selma Hayek on? Why can't a guy just look up pregnant Selma Hayek and know he's getting the real thing?

Yeah exactly. I've been noticing weird shit on Facebook when I occasionally scroll there, God knows why, which is like things like far side cartoons, which pop up in my credits. Some of them, like I think they're real cartoons, but it looks like the image itself has been regenerated by AI. Yeah, right. I think it's a real thing, but then like, yeah,

and then some historical photos as well. Yeah, the historical thing is crazy, especially with like Like weird like ancient architecture and things like that and you're like and then people are just posting it going these people, you know Died, you know 2,000 years ago and things like that. You go. How did I do this trying to create this? I don't understand. Yeah Yeah to create this I don't understand yeah yeah yeah I mean I guess you know it's just the people who look around at the world and go like this isn't all this can't be all there is it's can't be all there must be more it must be all must be something and you know people I guess back in the day people would make up

stories about God right yeah and now maybe we're not doing that so much and they're like um can't be all there is uh ancient aliens oh I'll make up some stories about ancient aliens and that satisfies something inside them you know I don't know that because um you know how I was trying to write that book at ages ago uh the teleport one yeah which was and then and then that's ages ago, the teleport one. Which was, and then that's kind of where the idea for the double-ended torch came from. The idea in my story was just going to be that there's one guy character and he was in an engineering group of some sort with this woman who had kind of invented teleportation,

but he had invented this double-ended torch. And he was like... I didn't remember that was the context. Yeah, and the group was like, we should do the double-ended torches, the group, as the idea. And he's like, I think that there's value in her idea. And he was one of the few who was really recognizing him.

Anyway, his one good characteristic. Yeah, great. But maybe they listened to it and man said it. That's right. Yeah, that's sometimes that's what it takes. And then I think and then I had written the teleportation story for sci-fi Try Guys, which is on our Patreon, right? And I thought that that actually could be part of it. And within that was somebody had created a time travel I know I sorry teleportation thing but

then people started using it for so somebody uses it to kind of copy themselves and then be in two places at once or whatever and then and then so then I was thinking well if that was part of the book and then eventually the book realized well then if you can just use it as a kind of copying machine then you can also just use it as Like an atom organization thing which means that you could use it as a thing to generate anything You know anything Right just as long as you know this the structural combination of where all those things would be Right, and so then I thought well then instead of just it being a book about teleportation, it's a book about

the last product. Yeah. Like it's the final product, it's the last major product. And it just starts as a teleportation thing, but then people find so many uses for it, then it becomes everything. Kind of, it's like a 3D printer that would actually do something that you know

It doesn't just make the bits of plastic that you would normally complain about if it came from China Alistair that was the that was what happened in plenty in my Story show plenty really? Yeah, yeah, that was about a mission They're in living in a society where they have machines that can make anything It's not quite the same. I haven't followed the same the same route to get there root I apologize that I forgot or maybe I never saw plenty. I don't think you ever saw plenty. We were on at the same time Yeah, yeah, but you would have seen development shows or something. Oh, maybe I feel like my must know all our development shows or something. Oh maybe I feel like my must have. No all our development shows are on at the same time as well. When we were living together in the same warehouse every time you went to go and do a read through to Pete and Amy in the

back of the warehouse I was also doing a read through to Pete and Amy in the front of the warehouse as I was unable to even listen. You were doing a read through to me. I was doing a read through to you Andy. Oh that's a really good idea, that's a great way to try out material. If you can get a laugh from somebody who is also trying to get a laugh as a comedian, as a comedian you should be able to play to any audience, even an audience of other comedians who are currently performing. That's right. Well, they say that comedians are already the hardest audience and so to put the the the comedian in even though a more difficult situation of currently performing

is the perfect the perfect situation to find out whether or not a joke works because if you could make them laugh, a guy who's not listening and trying to focus on something else and performing and a tough audience, that's how you know it's a good job. This is a new concept, my new concept, Alistair. It's called a Mexican stand up off. Yep. And you get six or seven comedians stand them in a circle.

They all do jokes at each other. Until they all perform their hour specials. And anytime somebody laughs, they are eliminated from the Mexican stand up off. Gosh, doesn't that roll off the tongue. Oh, you just came up with the reality TV show. Isn't that a beautiful. Last One Laughing.

Oh yeah, that's true. Well, I would have called it the Last One Stand Uping. Last One Mexican Laugh Off Stand Up Off. Laugh Off Stand Up Off, correct. Yeah. Andy, are you doing, what, oh, but this is our fabulous Christmas episode, I suppose. Oh It's a very

titty Tank a very titty Christmas Christy yeah Chris tit Titmuss Titmuss would be better Chris dick the tits Titmuss would be better. Chris Titmuss. Deck the tits. Deck the tits. Deck the tits. Deck the tits with

sketch ideas. And when we say tits, Andy, we also mean our man tits, of course. Correct. Because we are retaining a lot of solids. We are retaining a lot of solids at the moment. I was discussing with my dad the other day because I was like, yeah

you know what? I'm kind of sitting around 90 kilos at the moment again and And you're saying you know, yeah 80 would be a really good weight for me. So I was like, you know what? I agree. I'd love to get back there Thanks dad Yeah, I totally would love to be there. That'll be the dream Andy, one day. One day I'm gonna rest in yonder hills. I'm gonna yonder. Alastair, I reckon we probably have five sketch ideas. I don't think I'd be going too far out on a limb to suggest that that number might have been achieved.

Well Andy, you know you're 100% correct at this point, and this point is 37 minutes and 54 seconds into the episode. And so, let's go to three words from a listener, Andy. I don't know if you know this, but we have and some of them gives three bucks on on patreon and That gives them permission and and the right and the Not necessarily the honor but the right To send in three words

And and this listener is Emily Aubrey. Emily Aubrey, I love to hear it. Did I do Emily Aubrey last week? You did. I mean we're in a purple patch. Oh my god. You know what happened?

Couldn't be happier. You know what happened? I was in the thinking, oh my god, I don't think I can do another Emily Aubrey. Because I was like, oh we haven't done Emily Aubrey in a while. Wow. I might have to look up another person. Yeah, I was the least right I could have been. Oh, but here's the problem now.

I've got to go in and find the Emily Aubrey I just used. I just wrote down. And so that I'm not messing up the system. Oh, the famous system that obviously delivers such... Working system. I would hate for this system to be messed up. Okay wait. Oh no I've got a perfect name for us here. Okay wait. Oh wait is this from... okay great. Oh my god. Okay you ready? This is Andy, no, this listener, sorry, Emily Aubrey. I couldn't double you up. I couldn't do the first listener double up.

So today's listener, Andy, is Nick Saxby. Nick Saxby. Yeah. Nick Saxby. Yeah. I wonder if he's related to Nick Hornby. Well, I mean, it seems only, I mean, it's only four letters off. Yeah. I wonder if he's related to Nick Hornby? Well, I mean, it seems only, I mean, it's only four letters off. Yeah. And you take away his sax and a sax is a horn.

You give him a horn. You know, you're basically replacing it the same thing. It's still within the brass section. It's just a, you know, like a border guard, you know, when his ancestor came in, and he's like, what's your name? Well, he was an Australian guy, but he was also an immigrant.

Okay. What's your name? And he goes, Nick Hornby. He goes, when Hornby, that's kind of like a like a sax right he goes yeah he goes well it'll be Nick Saxby and he wrote down Nick Saxby that was incredible that's a top moment yeah i can't believe like border guards had had have had so much effect on history just the whims of a guy who just was able to get a job at the border. I love that they get to express their creativity.

But isn't there a lot, there was a lot of that stuff with like, you know, European immigrants and stuff like that where they were like, oh, and then the guy wrote down the name wrong or something like that. Or these people having to make this last minute decision at the border where they were like, oh, yes, my name was Phelanche Kamalik. And then they were like, but they called me, you know, Peter. So my name is Vladimir Peter. Yeah. Anyway, all right.

So Nick Saxby Hornby has three words from a listener. Hasn't mentioned who the listener is, although he does sign it off Nick. So it could be Nick Saxby Doesn't specify at the end But he does say all the best Okay, yes, and he does start with a hello and that does sound like it's from him So it could be it does seem like it's a first-person kind of

Point of view he's not saying I'm playing a character. So Andy, so we've got Nick Saxby, we've got three words from a listener. Would you like to try to guess what the first word is? Oh my god. Okay, the first word is... Perestroika. What's that? Perestroika. What's that? Perestroika. Peris...stroker?

Perestroika. I can't understand this. It's a Russian word referring to the... um... beginning of the revolution when they... um... went around and bumped off a lot of people. I think. I could be wrong.

Okay, well Andy, the first word is not that it is Okay Is the second word guesses the second word is? Wants Andy wants before you answer this last one one Andy, I want you to think. I want you to know that I think. Is it words? Andy wants words? Yes Andy, yes. Really? Well the third word is whatever he guesses and the third word is whatever he guesses. And the third word is also what he's getting for Christmas.

So I guess this was your Christmas present. Oh no, oh no, I hate words for Christmas. Actually, my wife and I are giving each other books. So- Oh my gosh, it is what you're getting for Christmas. It is what I'm getting for Christmas and it is what I want for Christmas. Andy, it's like, so not only did you not

guess these things really correctly. Hang on! Well you did guess the last one correctly because it was whatever you guessed but then he guessed what you were getting for Christmas which is kind of much more impressive. Much more impressive and that's the first time he's tried and he got it right straight away and I tell you why he did it's because he thought before he did it. He thought about it before he did it. He thought about it and there's a real, I mean God. Yeah, what did you want to say to God?

I want to say it taught me a valuable lesson about how I approach this and about basically respecting the process, which I'm starting to realize maybe I haven't been doing. And remember my A game. What if like one day God comes to you, right? And you just hear very loud, like, okay, let's say you're doing the dishes. Okay, this is you, Andy. This is you in your natural habitat.

You're at home. Sounds like me. You're doing something, you're not wearing protective goggles, right? You're washing the dishes, you're at home. You're doing something, you're not wearing protective goggles, right? You're washing the dishes. And then you hear a voice in your head, it goes, Andy. And you really freeze, because you've never heard something so clear in your own head. Andy, this is God.

You go, uh, what? What? And then God says, just stop. Just, and you go, stop what? He goes, just stop. And that's it. Just stop it. What would you think that God was talking about if God said that?

Probably masturbating. Probably masturbating. I mean, yeah, well, you know, something that, you know, you're already a little self-conscious about perhaps, maybe something that you're aware God watches everything that happens. You're like, what would he least enjoy watching? Probably that, I don't know. I know, but is that something that you think about when you're deciding how you're gonna do it?

About, well, no, but I don't think it matters. Right? No, but what would you least enjoy watching? And then you sort of try to do it that way? Is that what sort of? Take take what do I do? I do what he would least enjoy what yeah I mean if the guy's watching baby, I could get him to have heard his eyes for a bit if I do this yeah No, no not as yet

Haven't haven't affected that in but that Of all the many things I factor in. Yeah, but that would be, like I think if you did do that, I think that would actually mean that you're cool. Yeah, probably. That's what a tough guy would do. Maybe this could be part of your new tough guy persona. Yeah, that's I think that's what I'll start doing I'll be like what would God least like me to like which way would God least like me to do it? and then I'd probably I'd probably open something more than I normally do I don't open Something would have to be more open Yeah, yeah, I think I think you're right yeah yeah maybe a window I think

I'd get more body parts involved mmm sure maybe the elbows could finally I wonder wonder if anybody ever has used their elbows in a self-gratificatory manner. I wouldn't be surprised if you find out that in old age or something like that, when your fingers are all arthritic, that's what the physical therapist recommends. Wow, yeah yeah I mean just to shine. Now is this a sketch idea Alastair? Elderly people masturbating with their elbows. I think we have to go back to Andy wants words. Andy wants words. The elbow, the flesh lot of the body. Flesh lump. Flesh lump.

What about a flesh lantern? Flesh lump. Flesh lump. What about a flesh lantern? Mmm, old school. What about? Yeah. Yes, or a flesh torch. Like fire torch. Oh, okay.

Uh. You were using the other word for a flashlight. Yeah, yeah. Yes. You've heard of a flashlight, haven't you? It's a flesh torch. Yeah, or a flesh dolphin torch. I wonder if they do a dolphin version. Now they've, of course, they have made sex toys that look like flashlights. Have they made a flashlight that looks like a sex toy? You can't actually have sex with it but it looks like you could and do but it's just a powerful torch, powerful light great for bushwalking. Yes well I think

18,000 lumens. Yeah yeah I mean if it was coming out through the the little eye at the tip. Oh Yeah, right Like a I mean a lot of those laser pointers look like they could be used for sure For certain types of anatomy Yeah, yeah, but I mean like a big double-ended torch that Double-ended torch. Yes here. We're back.'re back. It rears its two ugly heads once more. Yeah, but you know, and it's... Yeah, that it's...

Like a flashlight with veins, I think would be very interesting. Ah, of course. Yes, of course, of course. The batteries are in a little ball bag thing at the end. And the flashlight, you have to pull the foreskin back to turn it on. Oh, here we go! Yeah! Well, that's how you widen the beam of the light. Yes, of course.

We've got to make this. We've got to make this, Alistair. Yes, well, so what's the opposite of a flashlight? It's like a, because it's like a dildo. We've got to make this, we've got to make this Alistair. So what's the opposite of a flesh light? It's like a, because it's like a dildo. It's a... Well it's light flesh isn't it? So I've written light dildo, but that doesn't really roll off the tongue. Yeah.

Dildo glow, dildo glow. Oh yeah, dildo glow. Oh, yeah, do glow Dill day Yeah, no Andy it's good We just I reckon that's our idea. I think that's Andy wants words. Oh, yeah, that's that is Andy wants words wants words to stop Stop coming out stop stop coming out um I mean I guess that means that we're at the point where I have to like read out the sketch ideas isn't it? I mean that's such a great gift

to give people on a Bucks night or Hens night you know it's the logical conclusion. I think it would actually be really nice to hold on to because you could probably hold it like a gun by the balls Yeah Really nice Yeah, and but but like it would be very squishy and nice and then you probably would have the trigger to turn it on Inside the balls like a gun trigger Yeah, right that and then cock Yeah, and then you'd pull it back like that to widen the beam

Mmm, it's great Gosh Almost too good. Yeah Alright take us through the mail. Okay. I just don't want this Christmas episode to end Andy and all the Christmas sketches We've come up. We've got the Connery in the coal mine Yeah, the that's when Sean Connery appears in your film and it's so bad. Thorn Canary. Yeah, it's when he decides that he doesn't want to do films anymore because your film

is so bad. I mean, that really should have been a sign for the filmmaker to stop. Right? Well it wasn't, you know, he was a professional so he finished the film and he quit afterwards. Oh but you think they should no longer, I think they might not be, I don't know if they are making movies anymore. I'll look up the people who produced. Yeah you do that while I'll read out some sketch ideas. Then we've got all the arguments for carbon monoxide and why it is a good positive thing. Then we've got summer hibernation. Then of course we have the wife stitch.

Then we have the how about sex app. Then we have trying to get a performing comedian to laugh to see if your joke is good. And then we, Andy, these are barely sketch ideas today. What are you talking about? These are great. These are great? Okay, great. Then we've got doing things in a way that God would least enjoy.

Choosing to do things, yeah. To do, to doing things. And then we've got the Dilglow. Yeah, great. Dilglow. uh... to do to doing things and then we've got the del glow yeah i guess little glow that's a beautiful i mean i thought this movie was uh... was a critical and commercial failure but made a hundred seventy nine million dollars

of uh... budget of seventy eight million and i might forty eight point six million and it made 48.6 million in DVD sales. Yeah, well that's what the industry is missing at the moment is that DVD market that would often turn things into a profit. Yeah, but I mean this thing did fucking great. Yeah, let's love it. Maybe one of the most successful films of all time It could be the the most directed by Stephen Norrington Let's see if he's done anything else. This is how we like to end all of our episodes

No, he hasn't made any movies since the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen oh my gosh, he took the he looked he saw the Connery in the coal mine and Has not worked since well, that's the first that's the first example of the the Connery in the coal mine Being used and it working Hmm before that he worked on blade Yeah, right was he and this is but I think is a special ex effects person. Yeah, right. I mean that's not I Feel bad that he's not like I mean he hasn't even produced anything Well, you know he's going back to special effect

There's nothing on his filmography nothing at all Wait, let's see 2003 No, wait, it says special special effects. He did something to 2015. He did Harbinger Down. Oh, okay. Harbinger Down. Harbinger Down. Wait, where's the director bit? Director. Let me see that. There it is. Oh yeah. Last Minute he did before that and Blade. He was the director of Blade. Oh, okay. I couldn't get the thing back up.

He was the director of Blade. Oh, okay. I couldn't get the thing back up. I couldn't unlock my phone anymore because my microphone was in front of my face. I now realize. Alastair, this, as I say, this is how we like to end every episode. To see our sketch ideas working in the real world. You know, that's a great little way to finish it. Okay, Andy, I guess we've got to go into the song. Thank you so much for listening to In the Think Tank. Alistair, thank you for being here for this. Thank you for everything you bring. Thank you for everything you bring.

Thank you for everything you bring, Andy. And I think I guess we better finish on our traditional Christmas message. We... The Two in the Think Tank Christmas message. So thank you. We here, we, yeah, no, you were right. We here at the Two in the Think Tank podcast would like to wish you Merry Christmas or holidays or Hanukkah or... Or a Merry War on Christmas. Merry War on Christmas.

If that's what you celebrate, if you're one of those types of people. Yes, but mostly we wanna just, we wanna say how grateful we are for the fact that we, I mean we would continue to do this even if people aren't listening but just the fact that there are people who do occasionally listen is a magnificent happening. It makes it seem slightly less insane. It makes it seem. messages from listeners recently and thank you for getting in touch. You're very dear to us. Very dear in a kind of Christmassy way, you know? Yes. Yeah. I don't need anything for Christmas except for your listenership. But if you don't, but if you don't but if you don't if you can't give it that's also okay that's also okay and we we love you all you all you all oh we love you all

and that's the word another word for Christmas mmm yeah I think so and you all it's also and you all and y'all because we support the southern states