Two In The Think Tank - 61 - "KELVINATOR 2 - JUDGEMENT DAY" - WITH MATT STEWART

Episode Date: January 10, 2017

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Kia. Movement that inspires. Call 800-333-4-Kia for details. Always stripes safely. How's the shit-ed thing? That appeared in my ears. That appeared in my ears. That appeared in my ears.

That appeared in my ears. That appeared in my ears for years. That's why I hear what appears in my ears that appeared in my ears my ears that appeared in my ears my ears that appeared in my ears for years That's why I hear what appears in my ears How's the shit it's thing. Yeah, what's that shit had sing? Wow, hello and welcome to two in the think tank Where that feels like you're right great? We try and come up with five Yeah, all right great. We try and come up with five sketch ideas Matt's counting on because that is joining us in the tank is Renaissance man. Yes, okay man for all seasons man for all seasons

Summer in In Cino Man, in Cino Man, in Trapped in Ice. Oh, four Cino Man. Trapped in Ice. Oh, that's a good way of describing people who are addicted to meth. Yes. They're in Cino Man because they're Trapped in Ice. And I tell you what, now that we're going to have sub-zero temperatures at like in mid-winter in the Arctic, it's going to be a golden age for NC no men.

Right, like surely not the other way. What's the opposite of sub Arctic, right? Oh, no, sorry, plus zero. Yeah, right. I was going to say, are we all of a sudden getting colder in the Arctic? No, I was thinking of mortal combat. OK.

Yeah. Oh, sub zero, the Arctic? No, I was thinking of Mortal Kombat. Okay. Yeah. Oh, Sub-Zero, the Mortal Kombat. Yeah, and temperatures. You weren't thinking of the 1992 Melbourne Cup winner, the Gray Sub-Zero. Except in the sense that I am always thinking of the 1992 Melbourne Cup winner, the Gray Sub-Zero. But no, I was thinking, anyway. What are your thoughts on the non-sub-zero temperatures in the Arctic? Anyone scared?

Well that I've just heard of them, yes. They said there were 50 degrees above average average. I mean, and normally everyone wants you to be above average. Absolutely. There's all this pressure on kids and temperatures to be above average. So are we finding out that there's no land up there at all? Is there no land up there? Is it all ice? I think we're fighting out. I don't think we're fighting out.

I think we know. There's no land, I think. There's land under the water. I thought I learned that in primary school. Is 50 above, like I mean it's all relative, is that high? Like what are we talking fractionally? Is that a big jump? 50 degrees.

Yeah, 50 degrees above normal, is that a lot? I guess, I mean, I guess, as you say, it is all relative. So what kind of a normal temperature range to use spend your life in, Matt? Oh, look at the high. I mean, I don't track it. So I don't know exactly, but I would estimate, and I'm also not a scientist, as far as I say that.

Yes. Of the top. But I would say probably between negative you know, negative 100 and plus three, three or 400. Yeah. So that is, I agree. I mean, that's probably the range that I mean as well. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, I was, I mean, I was being a little bit probably conservative. Well, conservative in your estimate. Yeah. Well, you don't want to look like a fool. Yeah, because I, it's probably realistically really if I was gonna have a real crack I would probably negative 90 up to positive 300. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so thank you So what's that in Kelvin? This Kelvin involved in this is that way Kelvin aided it fridges are from that's where the Kelvinator I didn't even realize that I reckon that's what he's number one thing was

Might he invented what goods Lord Kelvin. Wait. Wait, so Kelvinator though. Mm-hmm. Like was that does that mean that some really lame guy came up with that brand? Like a guy who gave himself like is, is it post-terminator? I think it was... Or did the terminator get its inspiration from the Kelvinator? I think that's much more likely. Somebody looked at their fridge, their Kelvinator, and said, imagine if this was trying to kill me. From the future.

Yeah. And then said, well, if it was, it would probably make all my food go sort of warm So the bacteria would form and then I would die of Food poisoning. Is there a movie in that and then of course it got picked up But then the bloody executives got it You know got their notes in and said well, you know the fridge just sitting there slowly warming up your said, well, you know, the fridge just sitting there slightly warming up your Pistachy. I don't, you know, it doesn't seem like they're kind of dramatic stuff that we're looking for at the studio. And of course, the other, you know, the

other the T2000 or whatever, like he was, he was another, he was another fridge, but it was, you know, because he's got that liquid ability. So it was all soup, it was in a big soup kitchen. And soup kitchen and so he was trying to kill the Terminator with, because you know the Terminator, well the Terminator was another fridge but they would spill the soup into the gears. Honestly, it's worked so much better if you'd go with my Mark away, but dear Elis, no, no, no, no. Because he's a liquid. I'm working so hard.

Gears? No, gears in a fridge. It's an automatic door on the Terminator. I mean, it's a fridge from the future. You're not going to open your own door if it's the year 3000. Oh, I think there's a sketch in the idea of... It's a microwave. If you listen to us, thank you. If you listen to as many podcasts as I do about screenwriting, which is none at the moment,

but I used to listen to a lot, then they always complain about studios and the executives and getting their notes and how they always, you know, you've got to try and pretend that you're taking them on board and then they never really do and that's all their all idiots because they're all executives and they don't know anything. But I think something, if we could somehow get a sketch where the original pilot, the original draft of the script for Terminator was about a fridge. I'm about a microwave. Well, no, the terminator was a fridge and then the terminator 2 was a microwave, I'll say you're being deliberately a fiscale soon. I know I'm being a microwave. Oh.

Deliberately. Oh. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. Oh, sorry, Andy, I've got to get my food out. Of the microwave, which is just flat-lined apparently. My food died.

My dinner is dead. Yeah, no, I was microwaving a chicken that was on life support and it's now dead. It's just flat-lined so I can eat it. Thank God. Yeah, I don't eat. I'll eat chicken, but not while it's still alive. As soon as it dies. Imagine it's a fridge.

Instead of it being a fridge, where everything's already dead, right? All the foods already, all the fruits already been plucked. All the chickens have already been hatched. Thank you. It was a tiny little farm, right? But a little vertical farm has been consolidated in there. So you've got a little, we've got a shelf where the chickens are running around.

So it does, but it does it cold. And so do you think that it, what it is is that, it's for the person who thinks that maybe the farming process is too fast? You want to slow down the farming process and by cold, like, you know, making it cooler. It's a growth of, yeah. I hate that when you plant an apple seed,

that within 15 to 20 years, you've got full mature adult apple trees and too many apples. Or I hate that you know you just have a baby chicken right and then before you know it you've got several thousand chickens in a sort of a battery operation producing eggs. And I wish there was some way we could slow down that process. Could we make the what? The process. The process to pronounce. Okay, sorry.

The process. I didn't know that. Is it like Christina Ricci? Yeah. I'll pronounce her Christina Proches. So as we're sketching that. No, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, there's definitely not a sketch in that. Right, you have written something down on the pad though, Alistair. Did you write two in the thick tech? No, I've written down the Terminator script was originally about a Kelvinator fridge. And then you've exact got their hands on it. No, I've written down the Terminator script was originally about a Kelvinator fridge.

And then you exact got their hands on it. Yeah, that's good. That's really good. I think there's almost something about, and I don't know who would want to watch or listen to this, but there's definitely something about a group of people getting together and talking, you know, a group of writers getting together and talking, you know, a group of writers getting together and talking about the studio executives and just how much they improved their script.

You know, like I came to them with, you know, and I've been working on this thing for years, you know, and I've had a lot of success in other projects. And I came to them with a script that was total garbage, total garbage. And then there's a lot of success on other projects and I came to them with a script that was total garbage total garbage and Then those are bloody executives, you know what they're like. They're like they're claws into it and soon enough and up body But the the bird whose claws that they got into it must It's a golden eagle and it's sword to the bloody stars. I got Oscar

Myer weener You know in back to the future initially the the time machine was gonna be a fridge I thought I think that's right and then eventually it turned into a car because of the executives I think that's right. Yeah, I think car. Because of the executives. I think that's right, yeah. I think it was because of the executive Cindy Shahnberg, who is a producer. Oh, he's a big feature of your podcast, Matt,

do go on. Cindy Shahnberg is a recurring character. And the few things I know of that. And you don't seem to be sure about it as well. Yeah, I know, because at some point, then Cindy Shahnberg went from a real person into a character and a show that I don't know where it, where the reality... Real Shahnberg starts.

He was the one who came up with some really weird name for the movie. Yeah, he wanted back to the future, he's like, it's never going to work. What you want to call it is, spaceman from Pluto. Oh, oh, they were like, and somehow they, they replied him like, that is a very funny joke, sort of like going, we're going to defuse this by pretending you were joking. Wow, I wonder if that's a, if that's a strategy that could be used in other forms of

negotiation. Say if you've got murderers in your house, not murderers, sorry murderers is a bit strong, but like armed burglars certainly. Who have killed you. Wow. Many people. They have a look in their eye like maybe they've got done some equally or worse things in the past. And worse things than murder. Double murder.

That is worse. Yeah. Murder certainly accumulate. But then they also plateau, I reckon. No, but what about if you do one murder, so that's equal to another person's murder, say. I mean, it's equal in every way, to another murder that somebody else is,

but you do it in a really awful shirt, you see. And in a way, is in that worse. So this is like my idea of heroin that tastes like turkey, is that better. Yeah, I think so. I think that is better. I think that's open shot. So like a murder but that is done in bad taste or bad fashion.

Yeah, well, like, for example, I think that you can make yourself a better person by just putting on a really good hat. You're definitely not worse, right? If it's a really good hat, right? Yep. So by that logic, that excellent logic. You can make yourself worse by taking off a really good hat. Yeah, let's say so. So yeah, if it was two people doing an exact murder, one was wearing a good hat, one was not, but then, but the same thing could happen if one was wearing a really bad hat or a bad shirt. So what about if the person I killed was wearing a really good hat Wow, so the cancels out the goodness of your head

Yeah, unless they they do it in order to take the hat take the hat and then wearing two great hats As well like a double murder Yeah, but because then also there's kind of more justification for the murder. Right. If somebody's wearing a good hat and you would need that hat, if the hat's really good, I think it's more acceptable. I think we would all understand that. That's a good matter.

Yeah. Like a judge would find it hard to. You say, mate, this is a terrible thing that you've done and, you know, it's obviously it's my job to sentence you here, but let's just say on your head be it. A great hat. A great hat. I get a great hat. Congratulations on your achievements. And by that I mean, a great hat. Would this, though, would this come in, would this be up to the jury, or would this be in the sentencing do you think the judge would take into account mitigating factors?

It's not necessarily a guilty or not guilty thing, but it is come does come down to the know how long are you going to be doing time or wearing or the big house or getting to wear the hat. Or getting to wear that. Does that come into it in the Senate? I've sent it to you to maybe we just two years without the hat. And that is a brutal punishment in a lot of ways. I mean, depending on how good the hat is. This is a thing that does kind of up, and this is maybe a bit grim, but there's sometimes a horrible thing happens

with people do some particular crime. And part of their defense will be, look, I think they've already suffered enough, you know just having Committed this crime having you know been in the public eye because this that I think that you know They obviously feel bad that punishing themselves more than we could ever hope to punish them You know, yeah, and can you take that into account? Well, I guess that would be particularly relevant if you were killing a person for a hat a good hat

And then you lost the hat, but yeah, or you got blood on the hat Or something of that and it kind of was like unwarable That's a really nice white hat. Yeah, it was a good white hat. Yeah, like a I Think okay, I'm really That's a really nice white hat. Yeah, it was a good white hat. Yeah, like a... I think... Okay, I'm really... now on board with this. I've been holding back for a little while on this concept. But now I'm all in.

And I think the court case in which... Someone has murdered somebody... over a really nice hat. Are they wearing a nice hat as well. They were already wearing a nice hat. They were already wearing a nice hat. They murdered this person for it even nice a hat. You see? And obviously, we, you as the jury, will be tempted to sympathize with the victim here because when they were murdered, they were wearing a very nice hat. But I implore you to take into account that after the murder that same very nice hat

was worn by the accused. And surely, if this hat is as good as you say it is, then it transfers its goodness to whom so ever shall wear it. I think that's watertight. Yeah, a good hat would not discriminate. And I think also the fact that he was wearing a really good hat before makes it seem like he's kind of a victim of his own good taste. Right. That you can see how good a taste he had based on the hat

that he was wearing from the CCTV footage that from before the murder. And you can see it's that same good taste that has driven him to murder this person for this even better hat over here that you can see the victim was once wearing. But now we as mere people who have ordinary hats and ordinaries You'll see this hat as a very very good hat But I ask you to put yourself in the shoes the tasteful shoes of a good hat wearing man a man with stronger taste than any of us here Imagine how good the good hat would have looked under him Imagine the pull and the desire to kill. Who amongst us can truly say that if we had been him

and had done this we wouldn't have done it for a good reason. I rest my hat and I'm the judge. The matchages are bleeding from one side of the chase. And if I, the judge, am saying this, imagine the persuasive arguments that the defense would have come up with, a man who is paid to defend this man, this good hat-wearing man. Here I am, coming up with this stuff off the top of my head, my bare head, that doesn't even have a good hat on it. The best thing on this head on the top of my mind is this argument. And this week. And this, of course, shameful weeks.

And you just pull out a little bit further and he's wearing a really nice hat. He didn't even know it. Oh my god. Yeah, that's great. That's a good hat. At the very least, it's a very nice hat. He didn't even know it. Oh my god. Yeah, that's great. That's a great hat. At the very least, it's a very good hat. We might have got up, we'll come up with a good sketch here, but we hypothesized a fantastic hat. I could only imagine how good this hat is. No, and I can't. I think a long time ago, me and Andy and then possibly also Matt, but I don't know if Matt was here when we were talking about this, but we we spoke about how we don't think that there's any like it's almost

like a rev those in epiphany maybe a revelation right that there was no such thing as bad ideas. Yes. Right. And of course, things look like really bad ideas. But I think sometimes an idea is so bad on them. Sometimes an idea is so bad that you just gotta like, elaborate on it. Is this how this show normally goes? Yeah. I think it's just search.

You just chase and chase. Yeah. I love it. Well, so good. But we don't, yeah, we're like, because I'll listen obviously to the show, but I don't remember ever hearing an episode where you've chased and I do feel like this for so long. And I'm so glad to be here. Well, we're really happy. And I don't think anyone's pointless out yet, but Matt is wearing a hat right there. And I've been often glancing to it for inspiration during that prior discussion those bits where

I was being the judge. I've been sure. I've been sure. I've been sure. I've been sure. I've been trying to not let it distract me because I've been picturing a much better hat. I don't think I could have pictured this man

murdering somebody over a hat with that hat in mind. I've had to work very hard to block it from my mind. What kind of hat are you picturing? Oh, a white hat. I see, I'm picturing a hat. With a black band around me. That's really quite normal. I don't think it's even like maybe we as the audience

can't quite see what's so wonderful about this hat. We just have to Trust the judge that he knows what I also would like him to at some point ask the the prosecution to bring the hat Up to the bench so that he can inspect it a bit closer maybe quite early on in the sketch and he's like on in the sketch and he's like, it's a very good head. It's a very good head. That's a fun hat. I know, but I, I, I, I, I would anyone else like to have a look at this hat. There's a part of me that feels like I can't,

I can't allow that. We don't want that to be seen. Well, no, I do want it to be seen, but I feel like, I mean, I know you were only joking when you had the judge giving the arguments, but for that to be a reveal, like that for the whole time you think that this person is the lawyer.

Until you pull back and you see his robes and everything like that. I, you know, obviously in my mind. So you're picturing a really tight shot that's best. Just maybe the mouth, maybe the mouth of the eyes. Yeah, just above the brows. It can't happen in a place where the judges don't wear those stupid wigs. To be honest, I don't even take the Australian justice system seriously because of the wigs. You know, they're recently they banned those in Victoria. They came down and said, we're not going to wear those. They make us look a bit silly. But there were some

lawyers who said, who protested and said we're going to keep wearing these. A lot of they kind of rebellion. Yeah. I mean, these are lawyers who obviously eat breathed justice and injustice. So they know. know I know I know something on injustice happening indeed In just in just in just You surely you're in just because this is in just that Was wordplay I'm sorry about that. I started it. No, it's just because I had nothing else to say.

But the word is, well, I only pointed out because I wasn't fully sure if Injust or Unjust was right, but I'm pretty sure now Unjust is the word. Okay. Is that right? No, Matt, but see what you don't realize is that I am Wiser now and I realized that you are always right about these things. And I'm not sure. Well, there's injustice, right? Yes.

And... But I think something is unjust. Right. But it isn't unjust. Is there injustice? Yes. Is there injustice? Yes.

I believe this sentence, the previous sentence was a perfect example of ungestus. So it's something that is not funny. No funny. But it's definitely trying to be. Well then Alex, now I suppose the ball is in your cart. Your cart. That was a brutal judgment.

Ball man! Ball man! Come on! Balls in the cart to brook your cart That was a brutal judgment Oh man! Oh man! Can I? Balls in the cart So the ball is in your court to say something that is funny Have you ever gonna sit there and say that last sentence was a not funny sentence You're setting yourself up as the arbiter

You know there's people You're not even wearing a fucking good hat So let's say you know like there's the there's people you don't even wearing a fucking good hat so let's say you know like there's there's the um there's people like these these wig wearing lawyers who who refuse to give up on the wig yeah um there would have been people along the way you know in all of history I suppose uh where technology stood up for injustice yeah justice and who said this will not stand no No, but we're, you know, we would have laughed at them at the time when the women sought the vote. And that sort of thing, you know.

I would have laughed at the way. Lawyers who want- That is a funny idea. Lawyers who want to wear wigs. What a- Anyway, well. I mean, that is a weird thing for us all that they would have had to at some point.

Made the decision to start wearing the wigs. That is very funny. I reckon like, I think about this sometimes where judges and religious types, people in power start weird traditions like that. And I reckon when it's wigs or something like that, it's because the guy in power is bold. Yeah.

Probably, right? And I'm gonna problem with that, but that is the reason it's like now everyone has to wear this, right? That is why. Justice is blind, so surely justice would not care if you're balding. I think that's fair. But maybe justice also has like very good feeling your head or maybe it's developed some kind of echo location that was there.

It's able to through a series of clicks. Or do you think justice has arms? The long arm of the law. I know. That's one law. I use it to sort of reach around and pat people on the face of head. I can tell if you're bald. Well, that's the crazy thing about justice.

Is that it's this weird thing? It's immaterial. It's immaterial. Immaterial, bald. crazy thing about justice is that it's this weird material ball comes in and feels it touches your face to see what you resemble just justice like just just handling all your evidence and just leaving through all your papers You got to have everything and what's that you know, braille and braille Touching all your food because it doesn't realize it's not evidence like it's just Anyway, it's putting its fingers in your coffee

Justices a jack yeah, no, but it's blind So you forgive it You've just as due to its blindness, but you would never feel pity for it because it would really resent you. If you know what I mean, anyway. I think a lawyer who is so desperate to defend his client's so few options available for defense that says, look, it's a long shot, but I'm gonna wear a wig.

It's the first lawyer to wear a wig. So you think it's as, it's an attempt to win it. Well, I mean, I guess it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's equally as weird if somebody just started saying, do you think we should just start wearing wigs? But not just wigs, like white wigs. White sort of curly, thick wigs.

From like old people with lots of hair that have had a severe perm, but real tight. Matted. Matted perm. And then like sort of split near the shoulders that folds out a bit. And then a couple of rat tails. Yeah.

Down the back. Like that have been braided. Your case is so bad and there is so little, like in saying, your defense that all I can hope to do is distract the jury. Oh, where? During the prosecution. Is this just a hat? The skin, the skin. No, no, no, not at all.

This is totally different. Elisabeth. The hat sketch was about a man who is murdered because of No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't go out in a hat like that. Who good who good resist? Right this is a different case maybe a murder in which the victim was not wearing a hat so the case is not so open and shut right. The defense isn't as clear and so there's so much tough situation. The lawyer is a spurious and he's like, tell me, you're gonna give me something here. You gotta tell me at least he was wearing a nice hat. Tell me. You say that you killed him for no reason.

I don't even have a good hat. Well, maybe I'll try and wear a good hat. Alright, during the corn case Where a week to distract them from us. It's not because it's a good week. It's because it's a silly week Oh, so he's trying to be trying to do something so out of the box later from deep down in the box of the lawyers box of tricks He's peacocking. Yeah, he's peacocking. That's the guy. I think it's like well, just how confident is this guy He's peacocking. That's it. That's the guy I think is like, well just how confident is this guy? Look at his, how confident he is even wearing that wig.

He obviously knows that he's on the right side of this. He looks like a uniform to look so stupid. His case must be so watertight. I don't need to listen to another word. This man is not guilty and then the guy stands up. Maybe the whole jury stands up as in unison and shouts not guilty. Before they've even been asked to deliver their verdict, really early on. Maybe we hear the internal monologues of the members of the jury as they look at the lawyer in the week.

Like it just pans across and you hear their voices. Yeah, and then we see obviously the prosecution who is really smartly dressed, and then they look at him and they're like, he's taken himself very seriously, trying bit too hard. Why does he need to dress up so nice to impress us? Why does he wear a funny wig? What does he get to hide? And it has a leg to stand on.

It's such a successful win. Exactly, and that's why all the... That everybody has to start wearing those wigs. It's like an arms race, you know? And each week they come in with a tighter perm and... The only way that they could neutralize that argument was by everybody wearing the wig. Exactly. Yeah, it's like mutually assured destruction.

Everyone has to have nuclear weapons so that nobody uses nuclear weapons. Everyone has to be wearing a wig to cancel out the effects of the wig. Look, it works. It works for me. Anyway, let's... It works for me. It works. I do. Let's go. A Kia SUV is capable of taking you far, but when you use it locally to help your community, you go even further. Whether that's carrying cargo, bringing your team with you, ready, or navigating your terrain.

Power up your capability with the right Kia SUV. Do more with the Kia Sportage, Kia Telluride, Kia Seranto, or Kia Celtoves. Kia. Movement that inspires. Call 800-333-4-Kia for details. Always drive safely. Come up with another court.

Well, OK, all right. The first person to say, I rest my case. Yeah. And the people like, what are you talking about? What case? A rest. A box? A rest.

Where are you resting? Why is it tired? A rest my case. Look. You're a briefcase. They've never heard these words before put together. They don't know what you mean. He's got a briefcase with him.

It's not that crazy to assume. Yeah. Okay, no, I'm just. It's not that crazy to assume. Yeah. Okay, no, I'm just... No, no, I gave you that now. And you took it for a walk. Yeah, why are you letting us know you're... Bailing out. You're putting your briefcase down out.

Yeah. For a rest. Oh, man. Do you make your, do you give your briefcase naps? This guy the new I'm gonna start I'm gonna start I'm gonna start giving more Briefcase the rest arrest

I don't know if that one caught on as much I didn't say it no, but you know what I mean? Like, like, it could be that there's a lawyer that that's why they all say it. That's why they all say I rest my case because so many people were saying I rest my case. It was confusing the jury. No, but they realized that they didn't need to actually put their briefcase down for an app. Because I could just say it. Yeah, they could just say it yeah, they could just say it and the jury will believe anything I don't understand the law the jury's standing there thinking I don't know I sympathize with this This prosecutor

He he seems like he could be the kind of Cruel man who would keep his briefcase up and running about all hours of the day I'm seeking some kind of reassurance that he's not a vicious... A guy who does that will probably wouldn't... defend an innocent man or... So you just need to go out there and say... Ladies and gentlemen, the jury. Before you go to the verdict, just know... I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I rest my case. Before you got to be Vedic, just know. I'm not an animal.

I'm not an animal. I rest my case. Save us the next man. Yeah, I could really relate to that guy. Oh, good. He's not even talking about doing it at the time. He's like, I just want you to know that in general. When I get home.

Yes. You know, at some point. I'm so empathetic that I not only give respite to animals and humans I also give respite to an animal object. To to luggage. I mean who amongst us is not deserving of respite. Even the nearest animal of the field. Nay! The luggage will wreck. The backpack or the briefcase. Even the satchel. To add to the smallest...

pouch. Like kangaroo. But you know there's that kangaroo, those pouches made of kangaroos. It's programs. They're actually made of... I very much doubt that actual scroll. You think they're ranked one of them? Why would... How do you get away with sign it if it's not?

But what are you doing over there? Are you throwing away the rest of the hide? Yes. As the most wasteful industry in the world, actually. The like 95% of the beast is in the bin. I mean, they could even use the meat, but this industry doesn't allow it. There's no value in it.

It's just so profitable. Yeah, they make so much from the skirt. They don't need to. In the bin. It's like, you know, it's like sweet potato. Nine percent of the nutrients are in the skin, you know. Kangaroo. Nine percent of the value is in the scope.

In the scope. You know, a lot of people, we didn't used to realize how much value it was in the scope. We would just throw that away. Like you would peel a potato. But sweet potato. But, um... Oh, what? Ah, sweet potato.

Sweet potato. Sweet potato. But, uh... Oh, be out of whole sweet potato. Sweet potato but uh... Oh, be an awful sweet potato. I don't know what I'm doing. Oh, it's a be an awful kangaroo squat. See, they... They...

They... Um... They call... They call kangaroos. We have decided that because of overpopulation of kangaroos, we've got to go out there and shoot them, but we could just de-scrote them. Yeah. Right. And and then sell the scroat for a large value. Let the kangaroo hop off. And well, you know, there's much less cruelty. Okay, which is ripping the scrotum off and letting him play the game. I never said, I never used the word rip.

No, rip is a terrible way of removing a scrotum yet. Sorry. How are you talking about getting the scrotum? You just cokes it out of the, you just talk it off. Talk it off. You convince them to give it up themselves. You sort of, give it up themselves.

You sort of when it's just stemmed and they're perched. What you do is you go out there with a briefcase and a really nice hat and you just convince them to give it up. You deserve it. But there could be a sketch in the idea that this is how that industry is run. And there's a guy coming in who's like an efficiency guy who's trying to turn it around. He's trying to turn this. Now I know that this is how we normally do things.

So you say, we catch the kangaroo. We cut off the scrawl. Right. I mean, we kill it. We cut off the scrawl. We dump the body just in the open land or in the woods where we found it right yeah But recent you know there's there's enough to be recent developments and technology I don't know I was gonna say that but I felt like I still have to say it just so that you know why I stopped talking

You know we've we've discovered that There are some efficiencies that maybe we're not making the most of. Sure. The rest of the hide need not be wasted. What? Now. I mean, even just the rest of the kangaroos genitalia. I mean, you're not using it all.

That's true. Yeah. I mean, you could start like you could, you know, you could make your way out. Making gloves. You could start making gloves, you know, like fingerless gloves. I assume that they're like a circumsize. Well, not that they're circumsize, but that would, the furry outer skin that would be just like a, like a finger sleeve. What I just did was mistake being circumsize for Dix not having it away out. I'll leave you not circumcised, obviously you'll be trapped inside and you're pissing pool inside your foreskin forever. It's not like a bigger stringer, you don't have to take the end off.

It's like the bigger stringer, one of those cheese tubes that used to come with in sealed sealed in plastic with a little metal bit on each end. And they basically look like a knob. The stringer didn't have that, but you may have- Maybe this was a cheese that came to you in a dream. Dream cheese. Maybe you dream of future cheese. Yeah. I'm metal at either end.

That sounds like the future. Cheese dreams. Yeah, like I some kind of cheese test too. No, it's basically sealed in like a salami, right? When you get them in those things. I've never had a salami with a metal end. Wow, well the future is gonna be. I've seen the future guys and it is broad.

But it's very easy to do imagine a future where these do exist and cheese and salami travels through tubes. And it's on tap in our homes and it goes funk, funk, funk, like that and just in front of you there's a what's that Italian platter of like oh come on I'll tell the saying I'll tell you a platter of food that is like... Are they croppinous? No.

It's not a... It's a semi-obelliscaining. No. The Vatican City. Yeah. You know, like in the Wogboy, the kid has it at school. Copicabana. But now it's something...

You're closer than all of us. No, no, you're thinking of Copacabana. Okay. Oh, do you think it was Copa Cabana? Down on the Copa Copa And it's all about a sausage anyway, that's dumb Grad you yeah

Yeah, we find a fixed point upon which we can rest what is yeah, I mean, it's a platter anyway Let's come in just but what's it called I L.A.C. look you get established You go to a lot of knowledge right? It's it's got a talent place It's got it's got like like cheese and and like Dora Sondra tomatoes Antipasta All right, when you were just talking about meat coming out of a tube and going, well, that's what I'm saying.

Is that it goes, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, like that. And then you've got instant antipastal on tap. That is great. What a world. Hot cold running meat. Yeah. How far in the future do you picture that? We could make it happen by 2019.

So, what do you have? Like so, before the making go to zero energy, you know, renewables. Absolutely. We could just look, there's a lot of area in the sort of where the copper pipes are being run that we could put sausage and cheese pipes. I think it is correct. I think there is definitely something in getting other things to the home, right? So we've got fiber to the home, right?

What about protein to the home? Rum out, other words to do with food. You know, we got gas, I was in a town recently where they had signs up saying that we're currently supplying this town with natural gas. Currently. Why don't we have any pipes bringing solids in? Natural oats, like peaches, peaches and oats.

I think meat is the only funny one. You think so? Just like, but like a long, it's just an endless tube. Like it's an endless cabana or a, you twist and I'm off. Sossages at the end, you twist. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Everybody, yeah.

Okay. Like it's like a sausage machine that comes into the home and you can, yeah. Oh. Right. Maybe you've got like a hose that goes out to the barbecue and you've just squirt right out there onto the bar. You twist them off. Or for simplicity's sake, you you could just it could just be

like those kind of chorizos that don't have a skin they just kind of look like this just might be just mints that just comes out and you just cut it off or you just close the tap for a second. Well what about like when kids bring it when you when you fill up like a water bottle of water balloon at the tap right you can bring a skin as the softest skin you fill up like a water bottle of water balloon at the tap, right? You can bring a skin As the sausage skin you fill it up under the tap People have make-farts as children. Yeah, and so That's good and then there's also there's also kind of like a centrally controlled government-owned Like meat grinders and things like that. Yeah, right meat reservoirs

Yeah, and it just kind of isn't the center of town. In the catchment areas. Yeah, I got meat restrictions at St. Thomas's. Oh, no. Well, I guess if there's an animal drought. This house is using gray meat. Is there a way you can have a de-salination plant for meat? Well, I guess there's a lot of salt and meat like jerky, and that sort of thing.

You're so loud's so loud. He's so loud. Jerky? She's still near the ocean just to get in there. Yeah, yeah. And then the shore. And then people are just putting in bags and bags. Bucket to jerky.

Jerky. We're there getting in trouble. I guess mostly in the outback where people go to that thing. Because it's $1 million. To keep it running. I mean, because it's so inefficient to try to fill pipes with dry meat. in the outback where people can't deal that thing. Because millions of dollars to keep it running. I mean, because it's so inefficient to try to fill pipes with, dry meat that takes very little space.

I think this is probably my favorite thing we've ever come up with. And I think I would like to see it presented as a, almost like a sort of a shiny info-meritial, like when they were bringing in the NBN and they had those campaigns to be like, you know, the government is now rolling out fiber to the home all across Australia, bringing faster and better national broadband straight to your home. This is the national beef network, right? So it's still the NBA. It's still the NBA.

Save a little bit on advertising. Branding, it's already done. We could just use their logo. Yeah. I guess it's no good to just have like a set of a cow being ground up into a thing and then coming out as a tube. Like out of the out of the tube. I think that's great.

I think the Germans would love this. Showing you have the cow, you have a cool logo that sort of a cow and then it turns into just these streamers that sort of spread out. And that's good. And then maybe form a map of Australia. Like a 90's Commonwealth Games logo. Yes. Only with a cow.

I can picture that. Yeah I can't. No it is 80s cover-up G-Games logo. Like what you've done there is you've done for me not so much a reference as like a reference to a reference. Like I can understand what you're saying because I've heard references before. I think the 80s was all references. I think turning into streamers of something else. What about the people who are worried about... Streamers of not something else, just streamers. Just streamers. Streamers of a thing.

What about that we're like, you know, in the 90s was a gold age for references. Obviously looking back, we said that they put in the hard yards and they laid down a lot of groundwork for us to make many great references now. And it was all the work that they did in the 90s into making references. Like the content that was worth referencing. Exactly. I'm not even going to refer to content. I'm just going to call references. Right? That foundation of references.

And I'm worried that we are now not doing enough to leave good references for. Because we're spending so much of our time just making references. Exactly. Exactly. We're burning up the references. It's like peak oil. It's like it, you know, it's like peacoil, it's like a natural result. Yes, they've been laying them into the ground, fossilizing references. We're been digging them up.

Yeah. Bearning and churning. Referring and burning and churning and referring again. And referring. But not actually laying any of our own. We're going to leave for our children and our children's children. Yeah, it's all, everything is, everything's looking back, right?

What are we gonna do when our grandchildren look up to us, look into our eyes and say, Dad, granddad. If my grandchildren look up into my eyes and say, Dad, I've been doing some bad things, come find me. All right, but if they look up in the eyes and say granddad you You burned all those references In just through them into conversation

Willie nilly you monsters. I mean you got some good laughs. I mean you turn them into... but wasted them on dank memes. We have nothing now. Look at this meme. It's just a picture of a fish. There's nothing to say about that. There's nothing left to say. There's nothing left to say. That'll be a real bleak sketch. I like it. Yeah. It's a dank sketch. Well, dank sketch. All right, we got a bunch of seven sketches. All right. I don't feel like we've said anything. No, no, that's how it goes.

We'll just wait till we go back over. That's what death will be like as well. Right. Yeah, it'll feel like, because it really will. You'll get to the end you'll go, because I remember my grandma, like 72 telling me, she goes, doesn't feel like I it really will you'll you'll get to the end you go because I remember my grandma like 72 telling me she goes Doesn't feel like I've lived 70 years and I go oh, I mean definitely 72 should feel like 70 Yeah, like you know, you shouldn't feel like you've only gone to your own mind. Yeah You know, no at least at least seven round down surely Brown down surely

Anyway, so our first sketch is the terminator script was originally about a Kelvinator fridge Then the execs got their hands on it and then there's kind of the writer director talking about how he was devastated by them just Poisoning his scripts and just You know taking away I guess the essence of It was one fridge and then in the seconds, you know, the sequel where the second fridge carrying all the soup, more microwave. Oh, I don't. Oh, there's a full sketch in there. I don't doubt this one in the least.

That's beautiful to hear. Yeah. Number two is it's a murder that is considered less bad because of a good hat. And so obviously the person who murdered them was wearing a good hat, but then also the person they killed was wearing a really good hat. And obviously it's the court case and the guy the guy clearly getting off I imagine he's now I'm just a humble lawyer I don't have a

fancy law degree or a good hat but I don't expect you to listen to me but I have dreams I have dreams who have have dreams. Who are you? I've seen this hat. That's a wall of it, a good hat. In my mind, that was all we talked about, was the hat. Yeah, that's a big chunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, yeah, anyway, there's plenty in that.

There's so much in that. Three, it's a lawyer who decides to save a case by starting to wear a wig, which is in the tradition of the sort of the British tradition and the usual in tradition of wearing lawyers and solicitors and judges wearing wigs. Well, this was all started by one guy who had a very tough case and he decided to make himself look over confident by wearing this ridiculous wig. I believe there was a previous episode

in which we did have a scenario in which lawyers were getting desperate and trying like really weird defenses. I think the affluenza defense was like one of their real hail Mary passes. Yeah. So there could be some recurring thing here, but maybe not. Stands a line.

Sure, I mean like, you know, I think that there's a thousand and one courtroom sketches that can be made. Yes. I believe the world has already created roughly 700. So there's still roughly 400 available. Alpha grabs. 401 available. Well, we're going to stack out a little.

Yeah, and that's two. I think that's two. I think your math is not a little bit there. Yeah 700 and then 401. Oh, there's a 1100 and I said no, I said a hundred 1000. Oh, yeah, you're right. I You're a god. That's his way. I don't want to know. All right, but that's what I meant to say. I meant to say 1100 and one great I don't know what you know, I know it seems weird that I would go and pick such a strange number. Have you picked it, but that's how many, I mean, that's how many they haven't picked it. You didn't pick it.

Absolutely, that's just how many courtroom sketches there are that can be made. Well, you know, they have mathematically proven that there is an unlimited number of prime numbers. But similarly, they have mathematically proven that there's only 111 courier sketches. Yeah, absolutely. And obviously, the further in you get, the more difficult they are to find. Yeah, I believe Bitcoin is sort of, which is pegged against prime numbers. There's similar virtual currencies that have pegged against ideas for courtrooms.

Yeah, I believe. Again, that's a joke I think we've made on the podcast. Really? Well, Andy, I have a feeling that you would have been the one who made both. But I think that, but it's a joke that I get and I think that there are people out there in the world who are very starved of these kinds of jokes because nobody makes them other than potentially nice and I and I say us because I want to take credit to be at least somewhat to it. You're in the team now. Thanks for wanting to take that.

That's right. Number four is where I rest my case comes from. Oh, I can't believe you wrote that down. I know. I think that that I would have got seven sketches. You really mean we've got. Andy, I know it's dumb, but it's in a way by increasing the stupidity. Yes. And the other two sketches are very stupid. The previous two sketches.

And I've written here that it is related to the previous two sketches. I believe that we're, this is an upping of stakes. In the house stupid, you could be in one episode. Okay, right. Right. So this is something you're coming back to. And I believe that somebody doing this, and attempting this as a courtroom defense would build,

and I think that it would build into a rolling laughter. Because each step is giving yourself permission to be a little bit more silly and the audience has to forgive you. Permission to be a little bit more silly, sir? Then the five we got, it's scrotum pouches off of kangaroos and the way in which this industry is very wasteful. It throws away the rest of the corpse and then, but then there's a man who's coming in who's trying to find efficiencies in there where they could maybe be finding other avenues of making a bit more money. Obviously, they're negligible amounts of money since 90% of the value of a...

I like it but I for me I would also like to see that the this business which sells kangaroo scrotum cow pouches is already a hugely successful business. Yeah. You know, like this they are making billions. Perhaps they're one of the biggest companies in the world, right? And yet this person is coming in saying, look, we could still do so much more. See that's good. That definitely there are almost like on par with Google, maybe, you know, as well as doing this. Yeah, it's cool. They're also investing in Ron or whatever.

Like, there was some of the big world companies. Sure. Skrittle. But I don't. Yeah, it's. Skrittle. Which sounds a lot like that, that Kanye and Dr. Dre kind of title. That's what I was thinking of for so many titles.

It's exclusive on Scone Scroodle. But they're also diverse by their investing in driverless cars and that sort of thing. So they've got so much capital. They're seeing not so much capital. But their base thing is in selling sort of Australian kangaroo scrop. They have a big campus wherever

and sitting around in hammocks and bouncing on hollow balls. They're made of just scrot. I was featuring bean bags that are all kangaroos Scrot. Then there's of course number six which is a scenario in which it's the meat to the home. I'm really happy with this. This is my favorite. Yeah, absolutely. And so thinking, just picturing how easy people's lives have become barbecues, dinners, other times that you need meat.

Yeah, the dog. You're baiting, you're trying to bait, you're trying to feed cookabarras on the balcony. Little balls of mints. Yeah. Worming, warming somebody who's like, particularly infested with worms, you know, you think you put a bottle of mints

near the asshole and then it's worms coming. That's not that's not making it into my glossy government fun that had. No, okay. Oh, right it is. No, I'm okay if it doesn't. I'm opening with that. Yeah. I'm my ad. And then sketch number seven is still called Australia. It's like John Williamson putting down a bolognate sitting on it, taping it to his butt. And then waiting for the worms. Taping it to a butt, waiting for the type worm. And then grabbing the tape worm by his bare hand and then just yapping it and putting it

it up to the camera on cheese. Just holding it up into the sun and he's just a striker. Oh, Australia. It makes a wink. It's a wink, a wink, a wink, a wink, Twitch. And then sketch seven, I think it's still underdeveloped, but it's the reference economy and how

we're not making sort of creating enough references at the moment. The 90s was really the time when they were really put in the hard work, created a lot of the material and the existing that sort of led to today's referencing, but we're really burning through it. Yeah. And our great change in the story. I think I feel like within the last 10 years we've sort of really,

we've referenced as the 70s, 80s and 90s, like we've used up several generations worth of references in, you know, such a short space of time. Yeah, quite in the Simpsons and Sanfet. Yeah, yeah. I mean, and some of it is just like, we've moved so fast up because we realized referencing was so good, you know, we were talking about the 70s and 80s and stuff like that. But then you realized that the people who were getting born since the 90s, they had no idea what happened in the 70s. And so we were having to bring our references up to speed pretty quickly just to kind of include more people, get more people referencing, and really grow the industry. I feel sorry for the people in the developing world who, you know, have to look at us making

so many references and and realizing you know And if we are trying to cut back on references now they never got to experience those references But they got to see us experiencing those Asking a lot absolutely, but you know, there's no reason to be sad there Keep us on track. I'll see I keep it positive There's no reason to be sad daddy. I may ever say that when there's a reason to be sad No, positive. There's no reason to be sad. That is why I'm here for that one. There's a reason to be sad. No, no, no, there's no reason to be sad there.

There's no feel sad. Don't think about the people in the third world who don't have any of this. There's nothing to say here. Nothing to say here. So that is the episode for today. I'm in. Yeah. I'm in.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And now that everyone's switched off the podcast, it's time for us to do some plugs.

Uh, uh, you, you, you met. You met. You come from the podcast. You come from the podcast, do go on. Hey. Yes. Which shares a podcast network with this podcast. That's right.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm good to be involved in this podcast network with you guys. It's really good. It's really good. It's called, do go on, our one. Yeah, it's called, do go on. And I'm on it with a couple other people.

Much like this. I'm normally sitting in your chair out, which is interesting. My co-host, Jess, is sitting in this chair, and Andy, where your sitting is normally sat in by a man named Dave. Yeah, right. Who's kind of, he's our pilot, he's our guy, and the driver's seat. Well, no, no.

But it's a really, it's a fun podcast, and it's a big, a big listener of your podcast Matt Stewart. I love it and I highly Re-commended and I've and I've started listening to it and I've liked what I've heard Both of those things are ringing can we find your Twitter? Yeah, Twitter. You can find us on everything It's all made personally you personally me personally, on Twitter is at Matt's Jew. Now, Matt, sorry, I'm just gonna stop you just very quickly. I know this is your plug and it's going really well,

but I know while you're doing your plug, would you mind plugging our podcast as well? Just because I know you have a lot of fans, so I think you would plug our podcast. Okay, great, that would probably be great. Okay, so my Twitter is at Matt's stew. Thank you. I'm just got art, but while you're tweeting at me, you should really check out this really

good podcast. It's called Two in the Think Tank. Great. I know that. And two of my comedy heroes host it. And I can't believe I'm in the same room as them. Wait, I'll say Trombo, Bertual and Andy Matthews. They'll write my comedy dads. I like my comedy dads.

I got two comedy dads. And that's okay. Certainly okay, it's better than okay. Yeah. It's quite good. That is better than okay. Yeah. Only Mark, you said such nice things.

Thank you so much, no, no, you said such nice things. Thank you so much for being on the show. I'm, what an honor. I'm at Alistair TV. I'm at Stupid Old Andy. And you can also find us on at Two in Tank. And you can also find us on Facebook. And you can do the rating things.

And you can, what you should do is do the rating things. Go find this podcast on iTunes and give it five stars. Well, that's really good. And find it on your parents' phones and give it five stars. Well that's really good. And find it on your parents' phones and give it five stars on there too. And download it onto their podcast things and teach them how to podcast using this phone. I mean this podcast. And you know if you've got some elderly relatives who are in firm, see if you can get power of eternity, eternity. Power, yeah. In a way,

look, maybe you've got the choice between those two powers, power of attorney and power of eternity. I'm not gonna blame you for that. Oh, God. Why not? Yeah. I mean, you're gonna be around for a long time.

You're gonna need something to do. Okay, you guys. Thank you and. We love you. Love you. Love you. Thank you and we love you.