Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Best of Not My Job

Episode Date: August 13, 2022

Steve Buscemi, Lars Ulrich, Aidy Bryant, Alan Cummings, and Jeff Daniels play Not My Job.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Hey everyone, Bill Curtis here. If you're like me and you love the panelists on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, then check out the Wait, Wait stand-up tour. This fall we're doing two shows in Michigan, October 21st in Ann Arbor and the 22nd in Kalamazoo. Both shows feature some of our funniest comedians. Alonzo Bowden is the host, along with Maz Jobrani, Helen Hong, and Nagin Farsad. See them live, uncensored, and uninterrupted by Peter Sagal.

For tickets and information, go to nprpresents.org. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm the music festival all the cool kids want to attend. I'm a lot of Belusa. Bill Curtis, and here's your host, a man who just decided a beach buddy is anybody you happen to have when you're at the beach. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill.

It's already our summer break, which feels impossible because until recently, time had no meaning and the calendar was nothing but a random collection of numbers and words. It was like being a time traveler, but sadder. Fortunately, some things have finally started to change, including our getting back to doing our show in front of a live audience. So this week, we are celebrating with some of our favorite interviews that happened live on

stage in front of real people. Many times we interview our special guests over the phone, but we love it when we can see their faces, especially a face like Steve Buscemi's, who joined us at the Brooklyn Academy of Music in May of 2015. So Steve Buscemi was born here in Brooklyn and grew up in nearby Valley Stream, just a few miles away,

where, amazingly, he was a jock. But he's become one of the most beloved, busy, and recognizable actors of our time, with starring roles in the classics Reservoir Dogs and Fargo, and he just finished a five-year run as the sentimental gangster boss of Atlantic City on HBO's Boardwalk Empire. Steve Buscemi, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you so much. Great to be here. It's really fun to have you.

Thank you. So, Steve, as I mentioned, back in high school, you were an athlete, right? Yeah, I was on the wrestling team. I played soccer and a little bit of track, and I had a pretty mean reverse cradle. Is that a track term or a wrestling term? It's a wrestling term. Yeah, you sort of hold them and you put their head on the ground. You get his head in a headlock and a leg, and you grip your together and uh can you still do that i can still like try it on my wife every every and but at that at certain point you decided to try to get into show business as performing you were a stand-up right yes i tried doing stand-up um i

actually i don't know how but i passed the auditions at the improv in like 1978 and i would hang out there yeah but I would never get on. I would just be there like late at night and watch all the, like Jerry Seinfeld and Gilbert Godfrey and all these guys perform. And then one night, they did not have anybody there to go on, and it was still like early in the evening. And the manager, you know, came over, and he looked at me,

and he said, all right, you. Yeah. You're up. It's your moment. It's my moment. It's going to happen. And I was just about to go up

and then Paul Reiser came walking in. Thank God Paul's here. And they put Paul up. I think if Matt about you would have been a lot better if you were on. Yeah. Very different. Well, but I actually,

I did guest star on Matt about you. Oh, did you? That's great. Where I played a disgruntled subway token guy who went to film school with Paul Reiser. And I got to yell at him in the scene. Really? Yeah. Did Paul know this? No.

I don't think he would have cast me if he knew that I really held an actual grudge. And then I told him the story and he went, wow, you really do hate me. I'm dying to know, what was your comedy like? Oh, this is why I quit. It was, I don't want to talk about it. I've been thinking about all the roles I've seen you in and your characters, although sometimes very, very funny themselves, really laugh at stuff.

They're always sort of beleaguered by what's going on. You don't really want to see me laugh on a big screen. Really? Yeah. That'd be frightening? Yeah. We've asked a lot of actors who've been in the show if they could describe the kind of role they play in a way.

You've done so much. It's harder, I admit. I don't know. How would I sum it up? Yeah. I don't know. How would I sum it up? I don't know. That's a hard one. Dreamboat? Yeah, dreamboat. Thank you. You're welcome. Dreamboats. I'm misunderstood. Yeah, you're often misunderstood and somewhat frustrated. Yeah. I mean, I remember the first time I saw you, a lot of people was as Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs. You're very frustrated in that movie.

Well, rightly so. Yeah. Yeah, that movie, you know, nobody got a square deal in it. That's true. Everybody got tossed around one way or the next. Yeah. I also, and this is not universal to your roles, God forbid,

but you have had some of the most memorable deaths I've seen in that movie. I've done a lot of deaths. You died in, I'm sorry for the spoilers, Big Lebowski. Probably your best death, would everybody agree,

Fargo into the wood chipper? Yeah. In that scene where the other actor is holding your legs, were those, I know, your actual legs, but did they try to make them look like your actual legs? Did they mold your calves to make the fake legs? No, I don't know where they got that leg.

I was a little upset. That looks nothing like my leg. Mr. Cohen, can I have a moment with you? Please look. But people sometimes stop me and say that that's their favorite scene of mine in Fargo. Yeah, I'm serious. You were so convincing as a disembodied leg

and a spurt of blood. You look great now. Yeah. You look fantastic. Perhaps your saddest death, at least for me as a fan, was in The Sopranos. Oh, yeah. Where Tony I mean, fantastic. Perhaps your saddest death, at least for me as a fan, was in The Sopranos. Oh, yeah. Where Tony himself shotgunned you. Yes.

I was sad to see you go. Well, me too. And I remember I called my mother. You know, we're not supposed to say what's happening on, you know, I mean, David Chase had a very strict rule. But that afternoon, I called my mother

to tell her that I was going to die that night on The Sopranos. Because she's seen me die so many times. Yeah, well. I wanted to prepare her. And I said, Mom, just so you know, I'm going to get it tonight. And she says, but who kills you?

I said, Tony. She says, oh, Stephen. He's your cousin. I said, I know, but I've done bad things, my character, you know,

and he's, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, come from a mother. She said, oh, you look so handsome. After I was shot. Really? After, yeah. Laying there on the porch, the way you look, you look so handsome. So peaceful. Yeah.

So the rest of us are looking at your shotgunned head and she's like, oh, he looks nice. Yeah. Steve Buscemi, what a pleasure to talk to you. But we've asked you here to play a game we're calling... Complete Form B46A and Get Back in Line. Now, as we were discussing, you were not always Steve Buscemi's famous actor. In fact, we once read that when you were a young man, your father had you take the civil service exam.

So we're going to ask you three questions about the civil service. Get two right, you'll win Carl's voice on the voicemail of one of our listeners. Bill, who is Steve Buscemi playing for? Brian Calandra of New York, New York. All right. Here we go. First question. Now, we're all familiar with the postal worker,

the proud civil servant in charge of delivering our mail. But along through the long history of the postal service, they have occasionally faced competition such as which of these? A, mail cats, domestic cats outfitted with mail pouches. B, the Tony Express of 1930s Staten Island, where a group of guys named Tony delivered mail anywhere you wanted in the borough. Or C, and this is just late last year, based on the Notion's popularity on the podcast Serial, Ira Glass tried to introduce real-life mail-kimps.

How could any of these be real? Mail-cats, the Tony Express, or real mail-kimps? I don't know why, but I'm going to go with the Tony Express. I love the Tony Express. I love the Tony Express. Hey, I'm Tony. It's actually male cats.

Come on. In the 1870s, the Belgian Society for the Elevation of the Domestic Cat tested out male cats rigged up like carrier pigeons with messages tied to their collars. But the problem is that unlike carrier pigeons, cats go wherever the hell they want. You couldn't really pick a worse animal. I know.

It's the worst one. All right, you still have two more chances. The DMV may be the most hated part of the civil service, but we're here to tell you there's a reason for that. As in which of these? A, one of these really happened. A DMV official in Cleveland was disciplined for trying out his five-minute comedy routine on each customer because he was, quote, trying to get them to smile for their license picture.

B, a man who moved from New Mexico to Connecticut was told he couldn't have a Connecticut license because, quote, this branch doesn't handle foreign transactions, or C, a DMV official in Reno would prank people taking the driving test by throwing a baby doll under a tire and screaming. You see, now all of those sound like they could have really happened. You're actually right. We made this too hard. The second one does really sound plausible. They'll like it.

They've been to the DMV. I'm so tempted to go with the first one. And I'm probably wrong, but I'm going to go with A. You're going to go? Did I say A? You said A. It's B. It's B. You're right, it's B.

It was the guy in Connecticut. The guy says, look, just call New Mexico and you'll straighten this out. And the guy says, I can't. We're not allowed to make international calls here. Connecticut DMV. All right. So this one is for all the marbles. Perhaps the branch of the civil service that people complain about the most is the TSA. And in one recent case, our worst nightmares were confirmed when two agents in Denver were fired for doing what? A, to save time, they just pasted

one of those men's room stick figures of a man on their screen so they wouldn't have to check anybody. B, they ran a business in the airport parking lot selling bottles of water, wine, and gourmet jam taken from passengers. Or C, they set the machine to alarm whenever an attractive person went through so they could check them by hand. C. Yes, it's C again.

It was sort of brilliant but creepy. The trick was, whenever the scout, so an attractive guy, threw, she would alert her partner to set the machine to female, so then the machine would detect a kind of an anomaly in the groin area if, and then, oh, you'd have to be checked by hand. They've been fired, so worry not. Bill, how does Steve Buscemi do? Two out of three!

Congratulations! Well done! Thank you. When we come back, it's the Metallica Saturday Night Live mashup you've always wanted with drummer Lars Ulrich and Aidy Bryant. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host, who loves to cruise on summer nights with his top down and the stereo blasting fresh air, Peter Sago. Thank you, Bill. Now that we get to see people again, we're taking some time this week to revel in how great it is to see people. For example, in the summer of 2017, we went to San Francisco and got to talk to Lars Ulrich,

drummer of the greatest metal band of all time, Metallica. Peter asked him about his first career ambition. So is that true that you grew up playing tennis? That was your first passion, right? Yes, my dad was a professional tennis player, so I grew up on the tennis tour. And there aren't many tennis players in Denmark, and I was ranked in the top ten in most of the age groups. So when we moved to Los Angeles after I finished school in Denmark,

I wasn't ranked in the top ten on the street that I lived on. I love the fact that your birth as a rock and roll legend came out of bitter disappointment. How did you come up with the name Metallica for your band? Well, I came up here actually in the spring of 1981 and ended up at a kegger over on Strawberry Hill. And I met a bunch of really cool San Francisco kids. One of them was named Ron.

And he told me he wanted to start his own fan scene, like a hard rock fan scene where he wrote about all his favorite bands. And he asked me whether he should call the fan scene Metallica or Metalmania. So I suggested that he call it Metalmania.

Is Ron the guy sharpening a knife outside the theater? I have to make a quick getaway out through that door. This is a tough question to ask anybody, but I'm going to do it anyway. Metallica, once you founded it and your records came out in the late 80s or the 90s, you became the biggest metal band, if not the biggest hard rock band of all time. Can you explain why? What it was about your band and your sound? Other than our good looks?

Yeah, basically. Well, that's a given. We were really inspired by what was going on in Europe at the time, so we took those European influences and kind of had a new sound. And so when you say, why did we end up becoming more well-known or whatever, it was because we had a different sound than most of what was going on in California and the States at the time. You are a knight.

In Denmark, they use a different term. What is the term? The English equivalent would be night yes I um a few months ago the Royal Crown Prince of Denmark was in town there was a conference of Danish business leaders you know the Legos of the world the Bang and Olufsen the Maersks and all the other leading Danish companies they were all over in Sausalito at Kamala Point, and I was invited to join the festivities, and there was a dinner, and I showed up to that and got ambushed. His Royal Highness stood up and started talking about a particular person in the room who

had talents far and above most other people in Denmark, and I was sitting there going, who the hell is he talking about? And about five or 10 minutes later, I realized that he was talking about me. And in the middle of that whole speech, he pulled out a cross. It's called a ridderkors in Danish, which translates to something like a riding cross.

It involves like horses and swords and that kind of stuff. And then I stood up and he put it on me and I was a knight. There was no sword involved. And there was no kneeling involved, thankfully. But Denmark is a very informal country. And so it was done as informal as Danish traditions are. But yes, that's a true story. Well, what is...

as informal as Danish traditions are. But yes, that's a true story. Well, what is... So, wait till you find out you're only the 10th best knight on your street. Well, Lars Ulrich, we are delighted to talk to you. We have invited you to play a game we're calling... You want to put your hand up where? So...

Okay. Metallica is known, among other things, for their celebrated album Master of Puppets, so we thought we'd ask you some questions about your colleagues, other puppet masters. Okay. Answer two out of three questions and you'll win a prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Lars Ulrich playing for? Tracy Walker of San Francisco, California. Where's Tracy?

Okay, Lars, here's your first question. Puppets can be really helpful. As in which of these? A, a company in Switzerland makes a life-sized parent puppet for new drivers who want to feel like there's still an adult in the car. B, Kansas City Chief Safety Eric Berry, who was terrified of the team mascot, a horse, so he got used to it by practicing

with a horse puppet. Or C, to avoid exposing their officers, St. Louis police drive up to drug corners, crouching down, and they use puppets to make drug buys through the window. So, one of those three is... One of those is true. One of those is true.

Helpful use of a puppet. I'd go with A. You're going to go with A, the life-size parent puppet, so you can, even if you're just, even if you're driving on your own, you can still feel like mom or dad is there. Yeah. Oh, that's good for the carpool lane also. Yeah, that's true, yeah. I don't think it's true.

Why don't you think it's true, Mom? Because of your reaction. You went, you're going to go with that? What do you guys think? B. They like baby. I'm going to have to stick with A because I don't want to go back on what I said,

so I'll go with A. The answer is B, in fact. What? You just missed. There you are. It's true. Football player Eric Berry suffers from equinophobia, an irrational fear of horses, and among the many things he has done to try to accustom himself is to

talk to a little horse puppet. It is absolutely cute. You can see it online. Are you guys not supposed to help me? We try. We try. Okay. Okay, next question. Puppets have played a role in politics as in which of these? A,

to answer charges that he was a puppet of the Koch brothers, Congressman Ron Estes ran a commercial with a puppet in the slogan, hey, puppets can be great. B, in order to do two public appearances in one night, California Governor Jerry Brown sent a puppet of himself to the other venue to lip-sync a live feed of his remarks. Or C, in 2010, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer

used a singing frog puppet to sing the praises of her Show Us Your Papers anti-immigration law. So it would have to be A or C, right? C? Should we go C? What do you guys think? C? Oh, they're split. Go with your gut, Lars. My gut says C. It is in fact C. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you. In response to criticism that she was cracking down too harshly on immigrants, Governor Brewer had a puppet tell everybody it was just fine, really. Last question. If you get this, you win. Here we go. Okay.

Puppets have caused controversy when which of these happened? A, a ventriloquist dummy was arrested in Boston, but not the ventriloquist on obscenity charges. B. A billboard for the puppet show Avenue Q in Colorado Springs was censored

because of, quote, puppet cleavage. Or C. Outback Steakhouse tried an anti-vegetarian ad campaign which featured a puppet called Cecil the Humorless Vegan. So, right. B? B?

You look like you know B. Okay. All right, you're going to go for B? Publicly? B, absolutely, yeah. You're right. It was the, B Okay All right, you're going to go for B? B, absolutely, yeah You're right It was the puppet puppet All right Thank you

To be fair to the shocked people of Colorado Springs The puppet was called Lucy the Slut, so All right, Bill, how did Lars do in our quiz? Two out of three. All right, then. There you got it. Congratulations, Lars Ulrich. Lars Ulrich is the founder and drummer of Metallica.

Their newest album is hardwired to self-destruct the band from Tewit. Lars Ulrich, thank you for being here. I'm glad they come to help us. Lars Ulrich! Now, a few years later, in 2019, we were back at our home theater in Chicago when we were joined by someone else coming home to Chicago. Saturday Night Live star Aidy Bryant, who had come up in the Chicago comedy scene. But Peter asked her about an even earlier experience back in Arizona, where she grew up. You were doing comedy like as an improv when you were growing up in Phoenix, right?

Yeah, yeah. I did teen improv, which you know you want to see. Oh, God. Can I ask, what was the name of your improv group in Phoenix? Oh, my. I've been in so many dumb improv teams,

I can't even. Drop in Science, Hunter Family Crest, Virgin Daiquiri. What else? Keep going. Okay, Baby Wants Candy. I mean, I used to sit in with Carl and the Passions sometimes. I mean, I've done my time. Yeah.

Did you come to Chicago specifically to do sketch comedy? Yeah, yeah. I knew about Second City and I.O. and I wanted to get involved. Yeah. And you did, which is kind of amazing. Yeah. Right. I mean, because a lot of people come to Chicago to try to make it on the main stage of Second

City and they never do. And you did. Oh, my goodness. Is this my birthday? What is happening? It's like, welcome to the show we're calling. Wait, wait, you're actually all right. I need this.

You're fine. Well, I have to say that when I checked into my hotel room today, you were right there. Yeah. Well, that's nasty. Yeah. She's on the cover of Michigan Avenue magazine. Well, I always wait for men in their hotel rooms. I think that's cool in a Me Too era.

Well, what was it? Because, I mean, a lot of times we hear about the people who came out of Chicago and go to Saturday Night Live and elsewhere. But what was it like when you were just, like, you know, working the streets as a comedy person? Working the streets? Come on. She's in hotel rooms now. She's working the streets. Come on. Wow. She's in hotel rooms now. She's working the streets.

I know. She wasn't busking as an empress. She was walking down going, hey, can I get a suggestion? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. She's just standing in the corner of Michigan and Randolph going, somebody name an occupation. Absolutely. So you went off to New York like a lot of Chicago comedians do, and you auditioned for

Saturday Night Live Ditto, but you got cast, which is rarer. People talk about the Saturday Night Live audition, that you have to come in with a character. Yeah. Did you do that? I did, yeah. They told us five minutes, a couple original characters,

a couple impressions, so that's kind of what I did. Yeah, and can you tell us what you did? I did Adele, and I did Ethel Merman, which was very topical. Oh, yeah. Wait, I'm not going to ask you to do it, but what did you do for did Ethel Merman, which was very topical. I'm not going to ask you to do it, but what did you do for your Ethel Merman? I said, this is Ethel Merman on the TV show, My Dog Ate What? And then I sort of screamed in an Ethel Merman voice like, my dog ate what?

And that was what got me to Saturday Night Live. That gives me so much more respect for the show. I love that. Is there somebody who you actually love to impersonate on the show? Like your favorite? Oh my gosh well I loved doing Elton John and I loved Winona Judd. Those are two of my faves. We've had Winona on the show. She's a colorful person. Oh, she's fantastic. And fun fact, my Winona Judd and my Sarah Huckabee Sanders are almost exactly the same.

Well, Aidy Bryant, we're delighted to have you here, but we have asked you here today to play a game that this time we are calling Aidy Bryant, Meet the 80s Bryans. Uh-oh. You're too young to remember, but way back when we had a decade called the 80s, and it was filled with wondrous and amazing people, all of whom were named Brian. We're going to ask you three questions about 80s Brians.

Get two right, you won our prize, one of our listeners. Okay. Wait, can I ask one thing beforehand? Yes, please. Not to put you on the spot, but could you give at least one of the answers in the Ethel Merman voice? Wow.

Okay. All right. Don't tell us you're going to do it. Don't tell us. Just come right out. Okay. All right. Don't tell us you're going to do it. Don't tell us. Just come right out. Okay. Let's do it. I love that.

Jokey, who is A.D. Bryan playing for? Dan Martin of Boston, Massachusetts. All right. This is for him. First question. Composer and producer Brian Eno produced some of the biggest hits of the 1980s. Which of these was among his most popular works? A, the main title theme for Police Academy 8,

Bribe Me With a Spoon. B, the startup sound for Windows 95. Oh, wow. Or the music and lyrics for a Hoover vacuum jingle. C? You're going to go for the Hoover vacuum jingle. See? You're going to go for the Hoover vacuum jingle? I guess. I don't know.

That can't be right. Really? It can't be. I can't imagine that could be. Well, okay. Guess what? Be. Yes.

You're right. Ethel is right. You're right. You're was right. You're right. You're all right. I can't believe I had to bring out the Ethel Merman that quick. It was. Brian, you know, was paid $30,000 to write the sound that the Windows 95 started when you turned it off. Brilliant.

There you are. All right, next question. Brian De Palma, director of the 1983 film Scarface, was forced by the MPAA to make several cuts to get the film down from an X rating to get an R rating. After doing so, what did he do? A, a giant mound of cocaine. B, he put the deleted scenes back in because he figured no one would notice.

Or C, he sang the vocals in a Hoover vacuum jingle. I mean, I'm realizing I don't like games. You know, that's what it is. I just, I'd rather just read a book. I don't know. Okay, A, I'm going to say it, because I think it's the most fun. You did the giant line of cook.

No, I'm afraid it was actually B. He just put all the cut scenes back in the movie. Of course. I'm failing our friend in Boston. No, I'm afraid it was actually B. He just put all the cut scenes back in the movie. I'm failing our friend in Boston. No, you're not. You're not. Because if you get this last one right. But you got it wrong because she didn't use the Ethel Merman. I know.

Just saying. That may be a lesson. Okay. All right. Last question. If you get this right, you win. The last question is about Brian Johnson. He was the lead singer of ACDC, one of the great bands of the 1980s.

On the same day he auditioned to be the lead singer of ACDC, on a day in 1980, just a few hours earlier, what was he doing? A, he was doing AC repair at DC Comics. B, he was doing dirty deeds, and he was doing them dirt cheap. Or C, he was singing the vocals in a Hoover vacuum jingle.

I mean, if it's not C, I've got to be blasted to the moon. So you're going to go with C? Yeah. Does Ethel agree? Yeah. Then yes, it was in fact C. Oh, yes, yes. Thank God.

Literally the day he successfully auditioned to be the lead singer of ACDC, Brian Johnson went to a commercial studio and he recorded this jingle for Hoover Vacuums. When you have power, come back from Hoover. It's a beautiful day. There you go. It's amazing.

Oh, my goodness. Wow. I know. Jokey, how did Aidy Bryant do in our quiz? Aidy is very funny, and she got two out of three right, making her a winner. It's all right. Congratulations. Thank you.

Thank you. Aidy Bryant is the star of Shrill on Hulu. You can also see her on Saturday Night Live. Aidy Bryant, thank you so much for being with us. What a pleasure to meet you. Aidy Bryant, everybody. When we come back, Alan Cumming talks about a tattoo he regrets and Jeff Daniels dishes on his worst audience ever.

Don't worry, it's not you. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host, who doesn't understand why people don't like it when he uses a rotisserie oven for even tanning, Peter Sagal. rotisserie oven for even tanning. Peter Sagal. Thanks, Bill. You know what's really great? When really interesting, famous people come on by to chat. I know, Peter.

For example, here I am. And I'm grateful, but it's also fun to talk to people like, say, actor and singer Alan Cumming, who came by our theater in Chicago in December 2016. I asked him, out of his many roles, what he was best known for. Oh, it's so hard to tell. I used to sort of gauge people when they'd come up to me by their age or their, you know, some sort of demographic. But now I can't even tell.

It's really amazing. Like, there'll be some little kid who'll come up and go, I love you on Masterpiece Mystery. And then some old granny will come up and say, I loved you in, you know, X-Men. It's just so difficult. Yeah. You've done all these extraordinarily different movies,

everything from Eyes Wise Shut to Viva Rock Vegas. That's right. Yeah. Do you have a rule by how you pick roles? Obviously not, if you look at my... LAUGHTER The Flintstones and Viva Rock Vegas, that was just for the aesthetic challenge, I'm sure.

Totally. I'd always wanted to, you know, I'm a Fred Flintstone fanatic. So I wanted to get dressed up in a green outfit and be suspended in wires for weeks on end. And the check cleared, I'm sure. Yes, definitely. But it weighed 200 pounds and it was made out of stone. We were looking through your resume.

We found some things I had never heard of. You hosted a talk show with your dogs? So it wasn't really a talk show. It was called Midnight Snack. What I did was I would introduce a film, and my dogs would be there on the set with me, and my dogs would kind of grade the film. How did they indicate their opinion of the film?

Well, Honey, she was the bigger dog. She would do two paws up or two paws down. Sure. And sometimes four paws up, if she really liked the film. Wow. And then my chihuahua, Leon, what we eventually ended up doing was he would howl if he liked it. That was

the gag. You know, that was also how Siskel and Ebert used to review movies in the very early days. Yeah. Now you are touring with your own cabaret show called Alan Cummings Sings Sappy Songs. Correct. I got the record. You have a record of the show.

Yeah. A version of the show. I was like, oh, sappy songs. I like sappy songs. One of the great things about the record, and I'm assuming this is true of the live show as well, is the stories you tell. Like, there's one about a tattoo that I found quite amazing. Okay.

So, 16 years ago, I met this boy, and we became a couple. And it was a very intense, crazy relationship, really stupid. And so much so that after two weeks of knowing each other, we had our names tattooed on each other's bodies, on our groins. Right. And then four months after that, we'd split up. It was a four-and-a-half-month relationship. And his name was

Raven and I was going to change it to like Ravenous or Traven. But then, so anyway, but then I didn't, so I had it removed in a very, very painful and with the laser, laser, you know, tattoo removal thing. Because basically when I started, you know, having, going into, getting into the dating game again, it became really embarrassing when people would be in that area and they would be like, who's Raven? Yeah, I mean, so there you are, you meet somebody, things are going well,

you think it's going to proceed to the next step. And do you start thinking to yourself, okay, I need to warn this person? Well, like then, when I warn this person. Well, like, then, when I had the tattoo, I was like, if you're going down there, I should say something. There's a strange

word very near where you're going to be busy. Do you know what became of Raven's tattoo? I do. That's the punchline to the story. Yes, please. Actually, Raven is coming. He lives in Cleveland and I'm doing a concert there on Sunday

evening. Oh, wow. Raven is going to be coming and I'm really hoping he will come on stage and show us his tattoo because... Is it the same place that you... Yes, exactly the same place. So I got mine removed and then we met up nine months later and had this kind of awkward evening,

and he said to me, do you still have your tattoo? And I was like, no, I had it wrenched from my body by laser. And then I said, do you still have yours? And he went, kind of. And right there, where it used to say Alan, and now it says balance. Nice. Well done, Raven.

Yes, exactly. A for effort again. Well, Alan Cumming, exactly. A for effort, again. Well, Alan Cumming, we are so delighted to have you with us. We really are. And you know, everyone knows why. But we have, in fact, asked you here to play a game we're calling... Bad Wife. Bad Wife. So, you, of course, starred in the TV series The Good Wife,

so naturally we thought we'd ask you about bad wives. Get two right, you'll win our prize. For one of our listeners, the voice of Carl Castle, Bill, who is Alan Cumming playing for? Sam Robinson of Mesa, Arizona. All right, you ready to do this? Okay, you've done harder things. One thing that makes a bad wife might be attempted homicide.

In 2015, a British woman failed in her attempt to murder her husband and then was caught. How? A, he attempted to assassinate her at exactly the same time, and they realized they still had a lot in common. B, she faked a suicide note for him in which he said supposedly he wanted a death with dignity, but she misspelled it Dignity.

Or C, it turns out the website assassinsrus.org is not a real business. I think B, I think this misspelling. That's exactly right. That's what happened. And the husband survived the poisoning attempt and the police were investigating

and they actually said to her, would you just write the word dignity? And she wrote dignity. And they were like, you're busted. All right. Another bad wife is Vicki Lowing of Australia. She showed her true wifely qualities when she did what to Mr. Lowing? A, she sold his kidney on the internet

while he was still using it. B, attempted to kill him with a Vegemite overdose. Or C, chose her beloved pet crocodile over him. I think perhaps the kidney thing. No, it was actually the crocodile. She said, I can't stand this crocodile. Either he goes or I do. And she said, goodbye, I'm sticking with Scaly.

All right, this is good. This is exciting. Oh, it's a tiebreaker. I know, it's a tiebreaker. You can win it all with this one. So right, this is good. This is exciting. Oh, it's a tiebreaker. I know, it's a tiebreaker. You can win it all with this one. So there was a Romanian woman who did not report

her husband's death for two weeks. Why not? Was it A, she said, I enjoyed the quiet. Was it B, it took that long, she maintained,

for him to start smelling worse than he did when he was alive. Or C, she was convinced he was faking it so he could sneak off with a mistress. Gosh. I think we're going to go with A. I'm sorry, it was actually C.

Rubbish! I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The mistress, she thought he was dying. Yeah, she actually convinced, she was convinced that he was trying to somehow sneak off. So she sat there and looked at the dead body for two weeks. And when he failed to move, she was like, all right. Fair enough.

Bill, how did Alan Cumming do on our quiz? Alan, no one loses on this show. Oh, good. So you did great. One out of three. One out of three. Alan Cumming is on tour now, performing songs from his new album.

This weekend, he'll be at the Palladium in Carmel, Indiana, and at Playhouse Square in Cleveland, where there will be an interesting reunion, or so we hope. Alan Cumming, thank you so much. Alan Cumming, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Bravo. So we're all traveling again and people are dreaming, visiting cities like Paris or Tokyo or Rio, and all those places are fine, I suppose.

But do any of them have Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Live at the Studebaker Theater? Mais non, as they say in one of those places. Come to Chicago, see Wait, Wait Live, and then with the rest of your time, well, I'm told the Cubs are rebuilding. That sounds exciting. More information at nprpresents.org. Finally, in December 2015, we did our show at the Dolby Theater in Hollywood, the same place where they hold the Oscars. And while we were disappointed, no one walked on stage and slapped Peter. We did get to talk to actor Jeff Daniels. Peter asked him how he managed to have such a long career in Hollywood without ever leaving his hometown in Michigan. You know,

back then it was, there weren't a lot of people that weren't in Hollywood or New York, but we had a kid and we were going to have some more and I didn't know how to raise kids in Hollywood. I just, I didn't understand how to do that, so. It can't be done. No. Well, generally. Well, I'd heard, and people can do it, but we didn't know how. So, we said, why don't we just move back? We're both from Michigan. Let's go back there and just use the airport, and that's what I did. It was a bit of a gamble, but I did it. And did anybody say back then, just when you were getting started, they said, Daniels, if you don't move to LA, your career is going to go nowhere. You're going to do small theater in a place in Michigan. Well, they did say that if you have an audition tomorrow at two o'clock, we expect you to

be there. And so how did you handle that? I got on a plane. Oh, yeah. As you say, they have those. They had airplanes even back then. Jeff, so I'm told you like to drive around in an RV. Is that right?

I am a member of that subculture, yes. Really? So was Clarence Thomas. Yeah, I know. Clarence, did you ever run into Clarence? I saw Clarence Thomas at a Flying J truck stop in Fargo, North Dakota. I said, Clarence, what are you hauling? I just imagine you guys would run into each other all the time, parked overnight in Walmarts. I have done that on many occasions, and they want you to go in and buy 100 bucks worth of food. Don't get the meat.

Yeah, don't get the meat. I'm trying to imagine I'm in my RV, and I'm in Walmart somewhere. First of all, do you own an RV? No, I don't. This is hypothetical. So I'm out there, and I'm in my RV. I get up in the morning. I walk out of my RV. Yeah. I'm in Walmart somewhere. First of all, do you own an RV? No, I don't. This is hypothetical. All right. So I'm out there and I'm in my RV.

I get up in the morning. I walk out of my RV and there I'm walking out of the next RV is Jeff Daniels. Anybody ever look at you and go, wait a minute. Where's Clarence Thomas? Yeah. Now, back in the 90s, you were on the path of the serious actor. And then you starred in that classic heartbreaking drama, Dumb and Dumber.

There was a big to-do about that. I was on the serious, important actor trail, and three agents got on the phone, two in L.A., one in New York, and the two in L.A. said, okay, we're going to stop this. We're not going to do this. This is not going to happen.

And even, you're going to, Jeff, to be honest, Jim Carrey, he's a brilliant comedic actor. He may wipe you off the screen. And I said, well, let's see. There's the snowball in the head. There's the tongue on the pole. And then there's the toilet. Jim's not in any of those scenes.

So unless they cut him out, I'm probably gonna score. You analyzed the script that carefully? I would, I was with a friend, and I would read it, and I go, is this funny? And then I would read the tongue in the poll, he goes, yeah, yeah, it's funny. Okay. I said, I get to the toilet, I go, what about this, that funny? He goes, yeah, it's pretty funny. Okay, now, was this at the truck stop? It was in Clarence Thomas' RV.

The guy likes that kind of humor. He was rolling on the floor. People don't know Clarence like RVers know Clarence. So somewhere, Aaron Sorkin, you know, wherever he was in the mid-90s, saw that movie and said, that's the man who's going to be my voice, my mouthpiece someday. Not sure that's how it went down, but let's go with that.

It certainly almost prevented me from playing Will McAvoy. Maybe that's it. Now, I also understand you're a big theater guy, and you're going back to do a show called Blackbird, if I'm right? This is a twisty little play, if I'm right. It's a tough, tough, tough, tough drama, and we did it off-Broadway.

Allison Pill and I did it. It was the show to see. We were there about ten weeks. It was a subscription audience at the Manhattan Theater Club, which was a wonderful theater. But the subscribers, Nathan Lane, I think, called it Screaming into the

Grave. They've had those subscriptions for quite a while. Amy Sedaris said, It Sleeps 300. But you love this theater. We were the show to see. No one could see it. Jeff Daniels, we have asked you here to play a game.

We're calling... Hey, Siri, bite me. So, you just starred in a movie called Steve Jobs. Yes. We thought we'd ask you about Steve's job. That is, three questions about people named Steve and what they do for a living. Get two out of three right, you will win a prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Jeff Daniels playing for? Maximilian Miller from Redondo Beach,

California. This is a very tough topic to be an expert on, isn't it? It is. It's certainly not one I'm well-versed on, but go ahead. Well, who knows? Maybe you know these guys. First up, Stephen Merriday. He's a judge in Florida, a federal judge. He once refused a lawyer's request to suspend a murder trial already in progress for what reason?

A, because the defense lawyer needed time off to participate in an Ernest Hemingway lookalike contest. B, because that same defense lawyer suggested that the victim wasn't dead but just stunned and they should wait a while. Or C, because the prosecutor said that the dog ate his briefs. I'm going to go with Hemingway You're right, sir In his defense, the lawyer had already reserved the hotel room down in Key West Where the conference was, the contest

And also, who really did look like Ernest Hemingway So he had a chance at winning Alright, that's the first Steve's job Second Steve's job One of the most important jobs that Toyota is done by somebody named Steve. Who is Steve? Is it A, Steve is the guy who, after each car is designed, makes sure it's boring enough to be a Toyota?

B, Steve is the name of the walking dummy that strolls out in front of moving cars to test pedestrian safety? Or C, Steve is a seven-year-old child they put in a clean minivan to see how long it takes him to wreck it. I'm going to go with the dummy walking across the street. You're right again. What? Wow, he's good.

Toyota is working on an automatic system to prevent hitting pedestrians, so they need a fake pedestrian to test it. So Steve is a dummy. He has no brain, of course, but right before each impact, he's heard to say, not again. Well, this is interesting. You can go for perfect here, as I'm sure Will McEvoy would. Steve Gadlin of Evanston, Illinois, got a $25,000 investment from venture capitalist Mark Cuban for Steve's innovative online business. What is it? Is it A, I want to draw a cat for you.com where you pay Steve $10 and he draws a cat for you. B, Instagram cracker, which for $9 you can instantly download a graham cracker using your 3D printer. Or C, the Twitter tracker.

For $50 a week, he sends a man to your home to stand behind you and track how much time you waste on Twitter. What was the first one? It was Iwanttodrawacatforyou.com. Yeah, let's draw some cats. That's right. Whoa, I love that. Steve Gadlin, $25,000 to set up a Want to Draw a Cat for You.com. Bill, how did Jeff Daniels do in our quiz?

A rare 3-0 trifecta. He won. Wow. Well done. Jeff Daniels is starring in Steve Jobs Out Now. It might bring him back to this stage in February. Who knows? Jeff Daniels, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you very much. On Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Pleasure to have you. Thank you so much. That's it for our So Nice to See You Again edition of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godica writes our limericks.

Our production assistant is Sophie Hernandez and Ian Nevis. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Durham, Botha Lillian King, and Nancy Seychow. Our distracted camp counselor is Peter Gwynn. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our

tour manager is Shana Donald. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. And our Senior Producer is Ian Chilog. The Executive Producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Thanks to everybody you heard on this week's show, all of our panelists, all of our guests, of course, the amazing Bill Curtis. And thanks to all of you out there for listening. I am Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week.

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