Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Larry Krasner

Episode Date: August 7, 2021

Philadelphia District Attorney Larry Krasner, subject of the series Philly DA, plays our game called "There's Mo... there's Larry... hmm... who's missing?" He is joined by panelists Dulcé Sloan, Mo Rocca, and Alonzo Bodden.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Hey there, Ben Franklin, invent me. I'm a pair of Bill Focals. Matt. Bill Curtis. Now, here is your host, who's just a man standing outside in front of thousands of people Asking them to love him At the TD Pavilion At the Man in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

It's Peter Sagal Thank you, Bill Thank you, everybody For the first time in a year and a half Thank you, everybody. For the first time in a year and a half, thank you, actual people. We are here in Philadelphia. Outside at the Mann Center, where because we are still not out of the woods, our audience is wearing masks. So if you don't hear them laughing uproariously, it's just because the sound is muffled. Later on, we are going to be talking to Larry Krasner, who spent 30 years fighting the district attorney of Philadelphia as a defense lawyer before getting elected to the job

in 2017. We'll ask if he's ready to apologize for all the mean things he said about himself. But first, we want to ask you some questions. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Rebecca calling from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Really? Are you really from Philadelphia or are you just sucking up? I am really from Philadelphia. I'm about a mile from you all at the command center right now. Oh, really? And what do you do here in Philly? I just moved here for grad school. I'm going to go back to school for social work. Oh, wow. You just moved to Philadelphia. And I ask this without drawing your attention to the

3,000 Philadelphians who are listening, what do you think of Philadelphia? So far, so good. There you are. We have brotherly love, a lot of friendly neighbors. Well, Rebecca, thanks for calling and welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this special week. First up, you know her as a correspondent on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah and as Honey Bee on The Great North on Fox. It's Dulce Sloan.

Hello. Hey's Dulce Sloan. Hello! Hey, Dulce. Next, the author of Mobituary's Great Lives Worth Reliving, who is starring this fall off-Broadway in the new Douglas Carter Beanplay Fairy Cakes, it's Mo Rocca. Yay! Hi, Rebecca. Hi, Mo. And finally, a comedian you can see for yourself

in Lincoln, Nebraska, August 21st at the Zoo Bar. It's Alonzo Bowden. Hello, Rebecca. Hi, Alonzo. So, Rebecca, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Of course, Bill Curtis right here live in front of an audience is going to recreate with his amazing abilities of mimicry.

Three voices from the week's news. Your job, correctly identify or explain. Two of them do that, you will win our prize. You ready to play? Yep, I'm so excited. Your first quote was someone praising her fellow athletes at a competition this week. Everyone's ripped. That was 13-year-old skateboarder Sky Brown,

one of the youngest people ever to win a what? A medal at the Olympics. An Olympic medal. That is correct. It was a fabulous story, the skateboarding competition. Everybody expected this Olympics would be a disaster with empty stadiums and unhappy locals. And the weird

fact they keep calling it the 2020 Olympics, even though it is clearly 2021. But the International Olympic Committee said, you know, people have a good association with 2020. Let's keep it. But it turns out it ended up great. There were amazing performances and inspiring comebacks and amazing shows of sportsmanship. The high jump champions agreed to share the gold. Two runners fell and helped each other up. Even the beloved U.S. women's national soccer team graciously allowed a smaller, more needy country

to win the gold medal. I love that you brought up skateboarding for two reasons. One, I think the skateboarders are used to not having a crowd because they were always like delinquents, like in the empty swimming pool in the backyard. And the other interesting fact, skateboarding in the Olympics, along with snowboarding, the only two sports, they don't dare drug test them. Right. We already know.

Go ahead. Have fun. I know. Although they are so young, as we said, there were 13-year-olds. One of them was drug tested and tested positive for formula. I'm waiting for same-sex diving. That's sort of my favorite event.

They have that. They do. I'm sorry, I thought you were hoping that that would come in the future, but of course they do have it now, synchronized diving. Yes, same-sex diving, that's what it's called, actually. Listen, they're very monogamous. They're like swans. The same-sex divers, a.k.a. synchronized divers, they never dive with anyone else. It's true. Really? They dive for life.

At a few Olympics ago, I remember them talking about, like, two of them. They were like, Sean and Carlos have been diving together for 20 years. Twelve years ago, Carlos went back to his native Cuba. Sean waited for him to return before they dive again. Oh, my goodness. That is what I love. I love the announcers of things like that. Like, when you have something like synchronized diving, because they get so excited.

And I know it's because, well, you only work one day every four years. Right. There is no synchronized diving in between the Olympics. So this is your chance. And we watched the whole thing, but let's be honest about diving. Did you splash or did you not splash is the only thing we need to know. All right, Rebecca. Rebecca, here's your next quote.

It is someone defending himself from allegations of sexual harassment. I do kiss people on the hand. I do embrace people. I do hug people, men and women. I do on occasion say, ciao, Bella. On occasion, I do slip and say, Bella On occasion I do slip and say Sweetheart or darling Or honey

Again that was somebody defending himself Yeah He is as far as we know Still the governor of New York Who is it? It would be yes Like I said That was his defense What you heard from Bill.

What would his confession be? Hey, you guys missed a few? That pre-produced video, that kiss montage, it was like the world's worst remake of Cinema Paradiso. It was terrible. Oh, it was awful. One of the things that Governor Cuomo did in his defense is he put out this weird like slideshow of other politicians kissing or hugging people, including Presidents Obama and Bush embracing people.

Of course, they were hugging people to comfort them after disasters. What was the disaster? They had just met Andrew Cuomo. I don't know if it's good or bad that the only thing that happens on both sides of the aisle is sexual harassment. I mean, at what point do you get someone on your staff whose only job it is to say, Don't do that. Just that's their only job. When do they?

I can do it. Let me do it. Yeah. You're the handler. Only. And I know I can do it because I used to do bilingual customer service. Did you really? Yes. I used to tell people in English and Spanish that I could not turn

your lights back on. That we are not coming to pick up your trash. So I have a strong sir within me. Really? So you would be Andrew Cuomo's customer service person? No, no, no, no, no. As soon as he starts acting a fool,

I just hit him with, sir! And he would stop. That was a good one. Yes. That was a good one. Or you've got to be a certain... It's just a very, like, just very, like, just from the bottom of just, like, black woman's soul.

Like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. There was a kid doing something in here they weren't supposed to, and I went, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. There was a kid doing something in here they weren't supposed to, and I went, ah, ah, ah, and they just stopped. Yes. All right, Rebecca, here is your last quote. We literally got voted off the island.

That was Rahm Emanuel. He was very sad that whose big 60th birthday party on the island of Martha's Vineyard was canceled after a big public pushback. Was this Obama? It was Barack Obama. The former president had initially invited 400 guests for a huge party at his $12 million Martha's Vineyard estate. It was going to be nuts. Oprah was going to be there. Steven Spielberg, George Clooney, Pearl Jam was going to perform. And that doesn't include another 80 people who are like, sure, that they're on the list. Could you just check again? Can you imagine holding a huge outdoor

gathering right now? Wouldn't that be irresponsible? Completely. And you know, you know, you know, the only reason the Obamas canceled it was the only way they could make sure they wouldn't have to hang out with Rom. I understand Miralago's available cheap. Yeah. Bill, how did Rebecca do on our quiz? She got three out of three. That is Philadelphia strong. Congratulations, Rebecca, and welcome to Philadelphia.

Everybody here says you're welcome to come over anytime, have a beer. Don't be afraid. Awesome. Thank you, Rebecca. Thanks so much. Bye, girl. Bye. Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news.

Dulce, according to Vanity Fair, the rich residents of the Hamptons on Long Island are all upset about the influx of whom into that area? The blacks. No. Okay, I knew that was wrong. So rich people are upset about people who are... More richer than them? Yes, richer people.

The Hamptons, everybody knows, a famous colony for the wealthy out there. It's being overtaken by even wealthier people, which is like the gentrification of a Whole Foods. Polar Foods! Polar Foods. One resident of Amagansett, Amagansett, said, quote,

there's so much money now it's nauseating. I'm a one percenter, but I bear no resemblance to those people. Unquote. Yo, you can't those people people that can those people you. Exactly. There's no recursive those people rule. You goofy heifer. That's not how this works.

You're in the bottom now. Yeah, exactly. How do you like it? Now, the Uber rich thought that was a little harsh. They said, quote, I'm lowered by my servants into my yacht, one leg at a time, like anyone else. So houses are going for, like, astronomical tens of millions of dollars. Landscapers are installing fully grown trees at, like, $75,000 a pop.

And people are being forced to drive up to an hour away to get necessities like groceries and peasants to hunt for sport. Quick question. Yes, Tulsa. Are these men single? Coming up, we get an A-plus in history in our

Bluff the Listener game called 1-triple-8 Waitwait-wait-to-play. And we'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. NPR's Planet Money Summer School is in session. This season is all about investing. Like, is it better to buy a lot of one stock or a little bit of a lot of stocks? What are bonds? Is it ever too late to start investing? New classes every Wednesday till Labor Day in the Planet Money podcast feed. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Mo Rocca, Dulce Sloan, and Alonzo Bowden from outside at the TD Pavilion at The Man in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

And here again is your host from the PD Pavilion. It's Petey Sagar. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Right now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, it's Caitlin from Somerville, Massachusetts. Why, hi, Caitlin. I know Somerville well. Used to hang out there.

What do you do there? I teach eighth grade science. You teach eighth grade science. Ooh! Which is an awesome thing to be doing. Are you looking forward to getting back to school? Oh, my gosh, I cannot wait. Even though they're eighth graders.

You know, and I get a couple months off in the summer to be away from them, and I'm a counselor at a summer camp, and I get a couple months off in the summer to be away from them, and I still, I'm a counselor at a summer camp, and I am with the eighth graders again. You're like an addict, man. This is not, you got to break the cycle. Well, Caitlin, welcome to the show. You're going to play our game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. What is the topic, Bill? History, the sequel. We all know history is bound to repeat itself. And honestly, history, I get it. It's hard coming up with brand new content every week.

Our panelists are going to tell you about a historical event that seemed to replay itself in the news this week. Pick the one who's telling the truth and you will win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? Absolutely. All right, first, let's hear from Mr. Mo Rocca. Growing up in Milwaukee, Molly McNamble was obsessed with aviatrix Amelia Earhart.

She cut her hair short like Earhart and wore a flight suit, necktie, and goggles to prom. And so it was a dream come true when, as an adult, she began making a living as an Amelia Earhart impersonator and received an invitation to be keynote speaker at the Amelia Earhart Impersonator Convention in Tujunga, California, just north of L.A. Her flight to L.A. was fine, but to get from the airport to the convention, she decided to rely on mass transit in L.A.

Said a plucky McNabble to reporters at the airport, well, all I have to do is take the subway green line to Compton, the blue up to Pico, the yellow down to Mariachi Place, transfer to the Antelope Valley commuter rail to Santa Clarita, hop the D64 bus to Cesar Chavez Plaza, the funicular down Fatty Arbuckle

Canyon, a rickshaw over to Reseda, then a burro 12 miles up the 405. During most of her 18-hour commute, she maintained communication with event organizers. But somewhere near Van Nuys came her final garbled distress call. Cell phone dying. In and out.

In and out. Are the burgers really that good? Molly McNabble never made it to the convention and was never heard from again. Recapitulating the tragedy of her idol and Amelia Earhart impersonator gets lost on the fatty Arbuckle funicular. Your next story of a run-in with a rerun comes from Dulce Sloan. We have heard the term history repeating itself as a warning. Whether in our personal lives or on a global scale, we try to avoid the mishaps and bad decisions of the past, but some things apparently are just

fate and can't be avoided. That's the lesson this week from the world's largest Titanic museum located in naturally landlocked Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Three visitors were standing in front of the iceberg wall, a huge model representing the nemesis of the dune ship, when the iceberg wall suddenly collapsed and, well, sank them. Other visitors were glad that the collision didn't somehow cause the museum to flood because as one visitor so eloquently stated,

there aren't any doors in this part of the museum. What was I going to float on if it flooded in here? I can't swim. Three visitors get sunk by an iceberg at the Titanic Museum in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. The last story of yester-deja vu comes from Alonzo Bowden. Volkswagen brought back the Beetle, BMW resurrected the Mini Cooper,

and now you can buy a brand-new Chevy Camaro. People love new cars with old names. So the Ford Motor Company announced it was bringing back the Pinto. Ford design engineer Selene Wright explained that since the new Bronco was a hit why not a redesigned all electric Pinto for the 21st century

when the assembled automotive press pointed out that Broncos didn't explode on impact Ms. Wright responded the few incendiary failures were caused by poor fuel tank placement now there is no fuel tank. Then they started the demonstration. The Pinto crew smoothly and silently around Ford's test track for a while.

The first indication that something was wrong was when the test driver pulled off the track, got out waving his hands, shouting, quote, it's hot, it's hot, it's hot. The next thing the assembled press saw was a steering wheel bursting into flame. Motor trend writer Colin Jones broke the awkward silence with the quip, well, I guess the improvement is that impact is no longer needed to burn up a Pinto. All right. One of these things happened,

or should I say happened again this week. Was it from Mo Rocca and Amelia Earhart impersonator who vanished this time on public transit? From Dulce Sloan, three visitors to the Titanic Museum just like that ship were sunk by an iceberg? Or from Alonzo Ford bringing back the legendary Pinto and like the legendary Pinto, it blew up. Which of these was the real story of history repeating itself in the news? I think I'm going to have to go with D, the Titanic. You're going to go with Titanic, Dulce Sloan story. Well, to bring you the correct answer, we spoke to someone who covered this real re-historical event.

So this, quote, real iceberg actually fell and injured several guests. You earned a point for Dulce. There really was an accident at the Titanic Museum involving an iceberg, and it really is in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

She was telling the truth. You earned a point for her. You have won our game. The voice of anyone you might choose on your voicemail is yours. Congratulations. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you for playing with us today. Bye-bye. And now the game where we ask important people about unimportant things. It's called Not My Job. Larry Krasner spent 30 years as a defense lawyer in Philadelphia, often fighting the city's district attorney. Then in 2017, he decided, if you can't beat him, be him, and successfully ran for the office, an adventure documented in the TV series Philly D.A. He's now completing his first term as district attorney for the city of Philadelphia. He joins

us now. Larry Krasner, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you. Great to be here. Pleasure to have you. So, I was watching this TV series, Philly DA, and it was amazing. It was about this crusading defense lawyer, civil rights attorney who had spent decades fighting City Hall, and then in this bizarre series of events, including the prior DA being convicted of bribery, he amazingly became the district attorney and took on the entrenched power centers of the city. And then I found out it was all true. It could be a work of fiction. It actually is the truth.

Right. And it is a truth around the country in many ways. I don't know if you know this, but over 20% of the U.S. now has a progressive prosecutor. Right. Whom they have elected or reelected. Yes. So it's a real deal.S. now has a progressive prosecutor. Right. Whom they have elected or re-elected. Yes. So it's a real deal. Right.

I learned a lot about you watching this amazing TV show. One of the things I learned is that you once had a ponytail. Why did you ever give that up? Now, that's a criminal offense. You wanted to get a lick? Well, first of all I had a ponytail because it was cool don't look at me I didn't question you

it's alright Dulce he's off the clock it's okay and then as it happened there was a moment when my wife who was at that point running to be judge in the middle of a terrible snowstorm had to go to Harrisburg in order to certify the paperwork she had to certify to run and I was at home with two young kids and a ponytail turning 40 and I found a cutting device really so you just had this moment of like oh my

god I'm a 40 year old you know I just felt like 40 40 is thing. And as I went to cut it, it turned out I didn't know how to use this cutting device. So I ended up looking like Pepe Le Pew. I actually cut the hair on the middle of my head in a stripe all the way back. And it became necessary to cut off all of my hair that night. You went to cut off your ponytail and you took the clippers and you started at the front and headed back to get it. That's correct, Yes, I did. And you're a DA, huh? I understand that during the campaign, somebody

like a journalist or one of your opponents actually tried to find a photo of you with a ponytail to use it against you. Is that true? That enemy was the Philadelphia Inquirer. Really? They'll do anything to bring you down. They offered a t-shirt if somebody could come up anything to bring you down. They offered a t-shirt if somebody could come up with a photograph

of my ponytail. Not a t-shirt? No, no. That's a bouncy on your head. And they never did. No, they didn't. Wow.

Although the filmmakers in the docuseries did. Yeah, I know. That's how I know they found this film. Speaking of the docuseries, which again, is really amazing.

It could be a work of fiction, but it's real. So they follow you pretty much as soon as you get elected. And in your first interesting, sometimes very difficult days and months, and they're right there with you. You were going through a very, shall we say, stressful time as you took over this job.

What was it like having this film crew constantly in like almost every room right in front of your face? Well, there were two main ones, Ted Passon and Yoni Brooke, and we developed a nickname for them. We used to call them the Ticks. I'm sure they enjoyed that. Well, they earned it, but they were there and they were up to a risky and mad mission,

and so were we, so it seemed to make sense. Right. And we let them hang around and threw them out periodically because we had to, but they were in a lot of it. Right. One of the reasons that the TV show is so fascinating is because you were so on the other side. You were a civil rights lawyer, you represented protesters, you represented the indigent against like the city of Philadelphia, and now you have that job. Have you had, like, any new sympathy for your predecessors now that you're sitting in the seat? No.

Hey! Really? No, you know, I actually... All right, this is going to sound terribly pompous. Go for it. Go for it. It's NPR. I mean, I don't think you should frame innocent people, okay? All right, this is going to sound terribly pompous. Go for it. Go for it. It's NPR. It's NPR. I mean, I don't think you should frame innocent people, okay? I thought that before.

I still think that now. That's not pompous. Yeah. What scares me is the DA saying not framing innocent people is a controversial statement. Yes. Right. Welcome to Philly, Alonzo. Have you seen Mayor of Easttown?

I have seen most of it, yes. How does your show compare? That one is more exciting and interesting. Really? Yeah. He keeps talking about it like it's an episode of Dynasty or something. No, it's better than that. I mean, it's got villains, it's got heroes, it's got cliffhangers. Anyway, but then you got into the office after being elected in 2017,

and I should say you were elected. A lot of things happened, but one of the things that happened is that the incumbent went to jail because he took bribes. That's the Philly way. Once you got in, did you discover anything really surprising

about the district attorney's office that you had not anticipated? You forgot stole from his mother. He stole from his mother. He stole from his mother. Yeah. Yeah, I did. I mean, I did discover things that were different. Certainly, I discovered that some of the dark corners

with the dirt in them were even dirtier and darker, frankly. Wow. There were not any, to be honest, there were not any big surprises. And I'm not saying that to brag. I'm just saying that because for 30 years, I had been dealing every day with this office. So, I did know people in it. I knew their practices. I knew that certain things were being kept from me and from other attorneys. So, there were no huge surprises, but I am very happy to see a lot

of progress. I'll say that. That's good. Before we let you go, one of the things I did want to ask you about, but forgot, your father was a mystery writer. Yes. He wrote what we might call pulp fiction. Is that the case? Pretty good publishers, but he wrote crime suspense novels. He wrote noir.

Crime novels for Scribner's and for some other publishers. Once you got into the business, when you became a criminal defense lawyer, were you disappointed that there weren't as many femme fatales and tough guys in fedoras talking about gats? Who says there weren't? Oh, yeah.

Hey! Yeah! Well, Larry Krasner, Mr. District Attorney, we have invited you here today to play a game we're calling... There's Mo, there's Larry, who's missing? So we've got a Mo here on stage, Mo Rocca, we've got you,

Larry, and we're like, what we need for the complete set is a Curly. So we're going to ask you three questions about Curlies. Answer two right, you win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they may choose in their voicemail. Bill, who is the district attorney of the great city of Philadelphia playing for? Andrew Rowland of Philadelphia. Of course. Yay!

In 1918, an author named Howard Garris published a children's book called Curly and Floppy Twisty Tail, The Funny Piggy Boys. As you all know. Which one of these is an actual chapter in Curly Twisty Tail's adventures? A, Curly drops his ice cream cone. B, Curly and Floppy have feelings they don't understand. Or C, Curly gets vaccinated. Ooh, 1918.

I think I'm going to have to go with A. You're going to go with A, Curly drops his ice cream cone. No, he held his ice cream cone. He did get vaccinated. It's true. Curly finds out he can't go to school unless he's vaccinated, so he gets vaccinated without making a whole big deal about it.

Great. I love Curly. Your next question, the most important Curly to us anyway, is of course Curly Fries. It turns out the inventors of Curly Fries did not call them Curly Fries. What did they initially call them? A, Savory Loops, B, Potato Tornadoes, or C, Sir Edmund's circular eat-em-ups? I'm going to have to go with potato tornadoes. Potato tornadoes? It does rhyme. It has that. Hint, hint. So what's your final answer? I guess option A, because I can't remember them.

Yes, it was Savory Loops, and that's correct. There we go. Okay, here's your last question. Get this right and you'll win. The founder of Kinko's named his store that because he had been nicknamed Kinko due to his curly hair. He said he thought it was a better name for his store than his other nickname.

What was it? A, Air Jordan, B, Timmy, or C, Pubeau? Ooh. We'll say C. You're going to say C? Pubeau. That is correct. Yay!

Yay! And we're all very glad that he did not do that. Oh, what are you going to do today? Oh, we're going to go down to Pubeau's and run off some copies. No. Bad idea. Bill, how did Larry Krasner do in our quiz? Two right out of three, and you have won this contest. Larry Krasner is the District Attorney of Philadelphia.

Yay! The eight-part docu-series which follows his first term in office, Philly DA, is now available to stream on Topic, Apple TV, and Amazon. Larry Krasner, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. In just a minute, we take a look at the man in the mirror in our listener limerick challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Dulce Sloan, Alonzo Bowden, and Mo Rocca from the beautiful outdoors at the TD Pavilion at The Man in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And here again is your host, and he's my host too, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill reminds us to air is human, to rhyme is divine in our listener limerick challenge game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from this week's news. Dulce, for the first time in the 70 years that they have been under observation, a troop of macaques, that's a baboon-like

monkey, at a reserve in Japan have a leader who is what? Let's see. A group of monkeys. Okay, so a group of... So they've been observing this group of macaques and as you may know, these monkeys, like all monkeys and apes, have very complicated social systems.

Right. And they have a leader. Yes. And for the first time in the 70 years they've been watching, the leader is a what? Female? Yes, exactly. Congratulations. There was only two options. To Yake the macaque.

Yake! She became the first alpha female after simply beating up her own mother. But then to become overall leader of this band of macaques, she had to defeat the alpha male, which she did, of course, through emotional understanding and cooperation. No, I'm kidding. She just beat him up too.

Usually when you're a monkey and you shatter the glass ceiling, you're just escaping the zoo. So wait, she, sorry, she defeated the former leader? She defeated the alpha. That's how it works in monkey society. She macaque blocked him. Exactly.

One of the first items on the agenda of the first female leader of the macaques is change it from macaque. To something more class. The last female macaque to attempt to become the leader of the troop was not successful. Experts say it was because she failed to visit Michigan even once during the general election. Ah. Moe, it's time for a public service announcement. We're calling Don't Drink and Shop. Here's the story.

This week, a British guy, while really drunk, ordered a life-size sex doll off of eBay and forgot all about it until he received the shipping confirmation. What happened next? Was it A, eBay's return policy says the only way he can return the doll is if he brings it in person to the post office, or B, instead of a discreet box, it arrived wrapped in brown tape like a mummy, so a brown paper-wrapped obvious sex doll was delivered to his front door. Or C, he wasn't home when it was delivered, so his female neighbor had to sign for the package that was obviously a sex doll. I like the second one.

Well, you are correct, but they were all true. Oh, okay. All of that happened. All of those things happened? Yes. His new neighbor signed for the delivery and the package might as well have read fragile sex doll inside. He doesn't want it, but he can't return it and he can't take it to the dump.

Excuse me, sir, is that a human body you are dumping? By far the worst part of this story is that he posted about this in social media. That's how we know. And more than one reply said, you know, I'll take that off your hands. So thanks for playing. And remember, don't drink and shop. And definitely don't drink and shop for a sex doll without reviewing the seller's shipping policies. Aren't those things like $20,000?

I would not know, Dulce. Why are you asking me? It was to a general human audience. All right. It was not used specifically. Thank you. Well, I know that for a $20,000 pledge, you will get one. Exactly.

Well, that's different. Coming up, it's lightning fell in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about our upcoming live show, August 26th at Tanglewood in Western Massachusetts. Does this sound like fun? Come join us next time.

And if you want more Wait, Wait in Your Life, follow us at Wait, Wait on Twitter and at Wait, Wait NPR on Instagram. There we post an appropriate amount of content that gets an appropriate amount of likes. Follow us. Hi, you are on. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Hey, Peter. It's Rich Janzuski from Cheshire, Connecticut. How are you? I'm fine, Rich. Richie or Rich? It's Rich. Richie or Rich is fine. You're the celebrity. You tell me. Then I shall dub you Lancelot. I've never been given this power before. Anyways, welcome to the show, Richie. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with a last word or phrase missing from each.

If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you'll be a winner. Are you ready to play? I am. Here is your first limerick. Just a small nip of coffee for me, and I'll pollinate all plants I see. I am focused because I have got a nice buzz. Yes, caffeine does the trick for this.

Bees. Bees, yes. A new study finds that caffeinated bees, that is bees that have been fed caffeine, are better at finding new food sources. Decaffeinated bees don't exist. They lied to you at the coffee shop again, and you will be up all night.

The researchers say that this finding about caffeinating bees could be used to make bees pollinate crops more efficiently, but can you imagine the line at the office Keurig when you have 80,000 co-workers? I want to know how you caffeinate a bee. Tiny, tiny lattes. And super tiny K-cups. Absolutely, oh yeah.

Here is your next limit. Marriage is bumpy, of course. So this formula we will enforce. With her mood and his action, each fight a subtraction. This equation gets solved for divorce. Yes. Oh, he knew that one. Oh, well. Thank you, Richie. A psychologist and a mathematician teamed up to create a mathematical equation that they say will determine how likely couples are to divorce. They say it's 90% accurate, and it's a lot more complex than like man plus woman plus additional man.

He said it was just a fishing buddy equals divorce. The researchers, this is how they did it. They observed couples having fights over time, and then they assigned different values to their emotional responses and correlated that to the fate of their marriage, right? For example, responding with humor to an accusation or an angry thing gets you four points. While saying, well, yeah, yeah, but you, why can't your skin be as soft as the pool boys?

That's like minus 600. I mean, I got divorced. You did? I've never been married. There's a certain efficiency in I mean, I got divorced. You did? I've never been married. There's a certain efficiency in just skipping right to the divorce. Save a lot of money and time. I gave a guy I was dating divorce papers. Did you really?

Yeah. I had a job I had nothing to do all day. So it made me mad. And I told him I was going to get rid of him. And he didn't believe me. So I pulled up to his job with a manila envelope. rid of him and he didn't believe me so i pulled up to his job with a manila envelope and i went through everything and so i had stuff that you know he would get into divorce and stuff that i would get into divorce like so it was like a cosplay what was dead serious okay hey and now

he's married to a girl who's built like a can of soup and i'm talking to strangers so who won she's built like what a can of of soup. What kind of soup? Campbell's. Chunky. Here, Rich, is your last limerick. In a mirror, I look out of place. There's no filter to mask my disgrace.

When my nose is offline, it's no longer refined. I am shocked Face, yes, according to new research, a quarter of social media users are shocked by the sight of their own unedited real-life face. Rampant use of photo filters and Zoom enhancements over the last year and a half has warped our perception of what we look like people are staring at their images in like a mirror and going my god i have two nostrils a fifth of people have used filters to get rid of wrinkles and spots and even more say they prefer their enhanced face the solution is to make yourself uglier, throw in like a Shrek filter when you're like chatting online, and every date will finally react to you with relief. We're dumb.

Yeah. Bill, how did Richie do on our quiz? Pretty good. Perfect score. Congratulations, Rich. Richie! Thank you. Thank you, Rich.. Richie! Thank you. Thank you, Rich. Bye-bye.

Thank you. Goodbye. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Alonzo, two. Moe, two.

Dulce, three. Oh, my goodness. Dulce, you're in front. That means that Alonzo and Moe are tied, and I'm going to arbitrarily choose Alonzo to go first. Here we go. Alonzo, the clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Monday, the United States reached its goal of 70% of the population having at least one

blank shot. Vaccination. Right. On Tuesday, the Senate approved its highest honors for the officials involved in the attack on the blank. On the Capitol. Right. This week, attorneys for blank filed a lawsuit to block the release of his tax returns again.

Trump. Right. On Thursday, the U.S. women's blank team won bronze at the Olympics. Soccer. Right. This week, genetic researchers at the University of Wisconsin successfully engineered a daddy long legs with blank. Without creepiness. No, with short legs. After days of widespread flight cancellations, blank has apologized to its customers. Spirit Airlines. Right.

Doctors say a woman in Missouri will be fine after a camera spotted Blank inside of her during a colonoscopy. Wow. Yes. I'm afraid to even answer that question. Wait, she's going to be fine? She's fine. No worries.

I just have no idea. Moe, nothing? Nothing? No, they didn't find Mo idea. Moe, nothing? Nothing? No, they didn't find Moe. Stop it, Moe. Yeah. They found a gun inside her. Moe said they found a gun inside her. Moe is incorrect. They found a ladybug. Doctors say they are

unsure how the ladybug got in there. How did I not know that? I don't know, Alonzo. You're supposed to be reading the news. I'm sorry. Doctors say they're unsure how the ladybug got there, but suffice it to say, sometimes it is okay not to follow Google Maps, even if it tells you this is the quickest route. Bill, how did Alonzo do in our quiz? He got five right for 10 more points. He now has 12 points and the lead. All right, Mo. Very good. You are up next. Fill in the blank. Here we go, Mo. According to a new poll, two-thirds of Republicans still believe the blank was rigged.

The election. Right. On Monday, Senator Blank revealed he had been diagnosed with a minor case of COVID-19. Lindsey Graham. Right. This week, the White House extended blank moratoriums for an additional two months. Eviction. On Tuesday, more evacuations were ordered as the Dixie Fire in blank continued to grow.

It's in California. It is. This week, a Canadian woman complained after the blank she ordered on Amazon turned out to be a used one. Oh. Good. It's a kitty litter box.

No, a funeral urn. Oh, okay. All right, yeah. I know. After stepping away to focus on her mental health, gymnast blank returned to the Olympics and won bronze on the balance beam. Simone Biles. Yes, on Wednesday, CVS Pharmacy announced it was raising its minimum wage to blank.

$15. That's right. Wow. Last week, the Cleveland baseball team announced with much fanfare that their new name would be the Cleveland Guardians, and this week they discovered blank. word blank. That the Guardians were the name of a white supremacist paramilitary group during Reconstruction. Just, can I do this one just as payback? Yeah. A male roller derby team. Yes, Alonzo was right, but sadly you were not. Okay. It's true. The other Cleveland Guardians, which have existed for years, are a roller derby team.

They've been around. They already have a copyright in the name. They own the clevelandguardians.com domain name. So that's right. The baseball team spent years deciding on a new name. They focus grouped it. They created an announcement video. They hired Tom Hanks to narrate it.

But to Google the phrase Cleveland Guardians, who's got the time? Bill, how did Mo do in our quiz? Bill, six right. Twelve more points. With 14, he's in the lead. Alright. And how many

right does Dulce have to get to win her first show with us on stage? Six to win. All right, Dulce. Not gonna happen. Oh, the fan. Oh, my God. Not gonna happen. Here we go. Can you feel the tension? Fill in the blank. On Sunday, the Senate

unveiled the finalized version of the $1 trillion blank bill. Spending? No, infrastructure. On Tuesday, the White House announced plans to vaccinate blanks that are held at border facilities. Humans. Yeah, they're humans. They're migrants.

This week, school districts in Florida went against their governor by announcing they would have blank mandates. Mask! Yes! On Thursday, officials in Mexico filed suit against blank makers in the U.S. over arms trafficking. Gun? Yeah, gun makers. Gun! This week, a German contractor who wasn't paid for the building he had constructed blanked.

Threw sausage at them. No, he tore it down. A new poll released Thursday showed the governor of blank losing his recall vote by double digits. California. Right. On Tuesday, Forbes officially named pop star blank a billionaire. Rihanna! This week, NASA revealed that the International Space Station underwent a huge emergency

at the exact moment the engineer monitoring it blanked. Went to sleep. No, went on a break. Ah! Last week, the ISS suddenly spun fully around and then came to a stop upside down, which would be a huge deal if it were the International Earth Station.

The whole thing happened at the exact moment the engineer monitoring it asked a co-worker to watch his station for a minute, which definitely makes it seem like he knew what was going to happen. Oh, because he went outside to have a smoke. He's like, hey, can you watch my station at exactly 11.34 a.m.?

I think I'm going to really have to go to the bathroom then. Bill, did Dulce do well enough to win? Well, she got five right, ten more points. Close. 13, but Mo is the champion this week. Oh my goodness, Mo! Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association

with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godica, Red Star Limericks, our house manager is Gianna Capodona, our social media superstar is Emma Choi, and our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dernbos, and Lillian King.

Our Dr. Gwynn medicine woman is Peter Gwynn. Tactical direction is from Lorna White. Her CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the best present

that Barack Obama ends up getting for his birthday? Alonzo Bowden. Barack Obama will get to play golf at a Trump golf course, so Trump will see a bigger crowd 18 times. Dulce Sloan. Mitch McConnell gives Barack Obama a formal apology for obstructing everything and a

$5 subway gift card. And Mo Rocca. Michelle will agree to write volume two of Barack's memoir since, after all, she sells more books. Well, if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Alonzo Bowden, Mo Rocca, Dulce Sloan. Thanks to all of you for listening at home. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Mann Center and everybody at HYY here in Philadelphia. Thanks to our fabulous audience that came out

to join us as we re-enter the world. It's so fabulous to see you here again. And everybody at home, I'm Peter Sagal and we will see all of you next week. This is NPR.