Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Marlon James

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

Booker Prize-winning novelist Marlon James, author of the Dark Star Trilogy fantasy series, plays our game about fantasy football. He is joined by panelists panelists Ashley Ray, Peter Grosz, and Negin Farsad.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. There's nothing seedy about an underbilly. I'm Bill Curtis, and here's your host, a man celebrating three days without a workplace injury, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thanks once again to our fake audience. Later on, we're going to be talking to author Marlon James, who's written an epic fantasy series based on African folklore. You need to read them now, so by the time the inevitable HBO series comes out,

you're ready to be insufferable about how the books were better. We want to get your comments on our source material, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello, this is Fred Dinwiddie.

Hi, Fred, where are you calling from? Bradyville, Tennessee. And what do you do there, sir? Well, right now for cash, well, for cash flow, I'm a temporary worker for International Warehouse. Yeah. And also, since we moved to a really rural area on 17 acres, trying to establish a permaculture farm. Well, that's great.

Peter, I'd like to jump in for a moment because I'm taken with Fred. I'd like to get his email and build an entire podcast around that voice and that accent. It is something. I mean, I guess it's agriculture's gain, sir, but it is voiceover's loss. Well, well. You can do both, Fred. Well, I hear that all the time about my voice, and I don't really understand that, but I'm pursuing, I'm studying guitar and I'm near Nashville. Yeah.

Well, Fred, it is a pleasure. It is literally a pleasure to talk to you. Oh, thank you. But let me introduce you to our panel. First comedian and host of the podcast, Fake the Nation. You can see her at Purdue University in Indianapolis on March 1st. Nagin Farsad. Hey, Fred.

How's it going? I'm fine. how are you? Next, an actor and writer who'll be appearing in the upcoming play Goodnight Oscars starring Sean Hayes at the Goodman Theatre in Chicago, March 12th through April 17th. It's Peter Gross. Hi, Peter.

And, making her debut on our panel, she's a writer for Adult Swim's Alabama Jackson, which premiered this week on YouTube, and she's the host of the podcast TV, I say. It's Ashley Ray. Hello. Hi, Fred. With that voice, please tell me about your acreage anytime. I'm on Facebook, so. Okay. Well, welcome to the show, Fred. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news.

If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail. You ready to go? Sure. Okay. Here's your first quote. Let's snow for the gold. That was one of Elite Daily's 35 captions guaranteed to get you Instagram likes

when you are posting about what big event that wraps up this weekend. The Olympics. The Olympics. That's right, Fred. The 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics are coming to a close. It was an amazing, thrilling Olympics, especially for the 18 people who actually watched it, because they will be able to lord it over the rest of us forever. There was drama, victory, heartbreak. For example, this is true. A skier was a shoe-in for the gold medal when he suddenly went the wrong way. Uphill? Well, he wasn't a downhill skier, but wouldn't it have been cool if he were?

Well, okay, I guess they want me to climb back up. That's new. Did you guys watch the Olympics at all? Oh, absolutely not. I really just consider it the thing that interrupts new episodes of comedy TV. I'm like, where are the new episodes of things? And then it's like, oh, the Olympics is happening. Right. And they're not very funny. I can't help but notice. No. No. It was a very strange Olympics to watch because once again, there were no crowds in all the stadiums because of COVID.

This was the Olympics for you if you like watching sports with an audience that's just other athletes texting. It's like an improv show. A little bit. So few people watch these Olympics. In fact, we could just make up things that you missed. Oh, man. I loved how this time in 2022, they combined biathlon with ski jump they just sat at the bottom of the jump with their rifles aimed them upwards and yelled pull

wait can i just say though that they're so dangerous and just as a mother i want all of these athletes to like turn in their skis for something a little safe, for a nice sport of walking or something. It is so dangerous the way they are flying through the air and going at high speeds, and I don't need it. I'm very worried about all of them. I'd like to see them introduce something like a winter ultimate frisbee, just things that are a little more fun, casual to watch. I'm not terrified.

Winter, like keep yourself up on your tiptoes for a long time. Like something, you know, like let's innovate these sports. You realize you're basically describing curling, you realize. I'm okay with curling. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. There you go. All right, Fred, here is your next quote. I love truckers. That was a sign held by a man supporting the truckers who were protesting where? Would it be Ottawa, Canada? Yes, Canada. So you got it. The great Canadian

trucker convoy protest had made its way across Canada and completely shut down the capital. It's historic both as an act of protest and because it's the first time anybody ever has said the words, yes, we made it to Ottawa. They made this journey from British Columbia to Ottawa to protest vaccine mandates, but they also brought an essential, much needed shipment of fresh COVID to the city. You know what's kind of brilliant is like that a giant 18 wheeler or 50 or 100 however many 18 wheelers i was listening to a story that said you can't tow them because it takes an hour just to hook up the tow so even if the cops were like all right let's clear it out of here they'd just be like no and then there's nothing about it it does suggest a great way to park wherever you want in the city just drive an 18 wheeler you know park wherever you like you know you'll be done with your meal before they ever tow it away you're golden

but i think one thing that you're not mentioning is that trudeau also uses opportunity to unveil to the world his new haircut i did not notice he's doing like a he's doing like a justin bieber 2015 kind of like swoop lot longer on one side thing. And I feel like maybe this whole thing was just an elaborate excuse for him to show off his cloth. Now, one of the things that helped bring this protest to the end was a group called the Ram Ranch Resistance. Well, what's that you ask? Well, they infiltrated the convoy's online planning meetings. They kind of Zoom bombed them. And they repeatedly played this 2012 heavy metal song, Ram Ranch, which is about, quote, 18 naked cowboys in the extremely graphic things they do to each other. And look, that might have been funny the first time, but the more they played this song, the funnier it got. The more they played this song, the funnier it got.

All right, Fred, your last quote is from the owner of a Mexican restaurant who started making his guacamole with zucchini. You have to tell people it's not guacamole. This guy had to do this, not because he's some sort of sadist, but thanks to a new ban on the importation of what? That would be avocados. It would be, Fred. Avocados. Americans have banned the importation of avocados from Mexico. a threat was made against an American avocado inspector there. Yes, avocado inspector is a real job and not just something I say before I steal guacamole from a stranger's plate. It's all right, sir. I'm an avocado inspector. And also it was like the cartels were involved, weren't they? Well, this is the crazy thing, right?

Yeah. Which if any of them are listening, I don't have any problem with it. Yes, I know. Yeah. And I agree the avocados deserved it. The U.S. only allows the importation of avocados from Mexico after they are inspected by American officials in Mexico. And one of these inspectors was apparently threatened by a cartel. So the U.S. instantly ended imports. Now, it is not an avocado cartel. It's a drug cartel. Although an avocado cartel would be kind of hilarious. They mark their victims by putting a toothpick through them and putting them on a glass of water on the windowsill. But quick question. Is the cocaine still coming through? I'm just asking for a friend.

Absolutely. We would never do anything. No problem. So, cocamole is good to go. You know what would be hilarious? If, you know, desperate to get good Mexican guacamole, they started smuggling the avocados inside kilos of Coke. Right? Yeah, the cocaine masks the smell of the avocado.

Of the avocado. The cocaine smuggler standing there sweating bullets while the inspector is poking the kilos of coke with his knife looking for that telephone avocado. It's just cocaine. It's just coke. I do hope they resolve this soon because nobody wants

to eat New Jersey avocados. Those are just decommissioned hand grenades. Bill, how did Fred do on our quiz? Not only did he win three in a row, but he began a new career. We hope, Fred. Congratulations. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much, man. Take care. All right. Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Nagin, in an email to all its subscribers, Netflix did not say they were raising their prices. They said they were doing what to them?

They were shortening, cutting off the endings of movies. No. Wouldn't it be great if you subscribed to Netflix and right eight minutes before the end of the movie, it just stops and says, to see the end of the movie, please upgrade to the premium plan. I mean, it's kind of genius. I wouldn't put it by him. I feel like I'm giving Netflix a great idea. I'll give you a hint.

It's like what you're constantly asked to do to software and you always ignore it. Oh, upgrading? Close, so close. Up, up. Up installing? Up updating? Updating so close. Up-up. Up-installing? Up-updating? Updating, yes. Updating.

They said that the Netflix, in an email to subscribers this week, Netflix wrote that they were, quote, updating their prices in the same way that eating tons of snack food updates your weight because the updated price. What do you know? We're all going to have to pay an extra $2 a month for the joy of saying, wait a minute, it's not here. It's not here.

Oh, yeah, that one's on Hulu. We do want to thank Netflix for this new way to cushion bad news. No, honey, I don't want a divorce. I just want to update our marriage. They should have said that they were consciously uncoupling from their previous race. There you go. I think that would have made more sense. Where does the money go?

What happens to all that grass? Never have got enough. Always feeling short of the cash. Prices are so darn high. Coming up, rock and roll secrets are revealed in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Ashley Ray, Nagin Farsad, and Peter Gross. And here again is your host. And thanks to an incident during the break, celebrating zero days without a workplace injury, it's Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Right now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game, call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, this is Claire from Atlanta, Georgia. Hey, Claire, how are things in Atlanta? Peachy. Peach, well, that is expected, it being the peach tree. Very good, very good. That's excellent. What do you do there in Atlanta? I work in the film and television industry as a script supervisor.

A script supervisor. Now, this is great, because I've always wanted to ask this. What does a script supervisor actually do? Oh, boy, you're going to be sorry that you asked. Basically, my job is to protect the writer's words that are on the page and to make sure that that's what we see. I also help to coordinate continuity with hair, makeup, wardrobe, and props, basically so that people show up in the right clothes and they make sure that they hold their coffee cup in the right hand. Right mean i i had heard that that part of your job is to make sure that you know you don't cut away from somebody who's like got a patch over their right

eye and then you come back to them it's a patch over their left eye it's like that's your job that that is one of the things that i do so every time that somebody's patches over the right eye in every shot i should thank the script supervisor. Peter only watches pirate movies. That's it. That's so you know. Also, apparently very poorly made pirate movies, given how often the eyepatch is jumping around. Budget pirate movies.

That's my genre. Everybody has a thing. Well, welcome to the show. You're going to play the game in which you must tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's Claire's topic? Secrets of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Did you know, for example, that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's beloved wax sculpture of Keith Richards is actually Keith Richards? That's just one of the shocking secrets of the world's biggest rock stars. Our panelists are going to tell you another one. Pick the one

who's telling the truth. You will win the weight-waiter of your choice on your voicemail. You ready to play? Let's go. All right, let's do it. Let's hear first from Nagin Farsad. Okay. You know how Radiohead is one of the most lauded bands in the world, known for being consummate musicians wielding their instruments to incredible effect? Well, turns out the keyboardist for the band didn't even actually play his keyboard the first several months he joined the band. That's right. Johnny Greenwood, now Oscar nominated for a score on Power of the Dog, would secretly turn off his keyboard during rehearsals for several months. His fingers were essentially lip syncing on a piano, except no sound came out.

So I guess it's more accurate to say that his fingers were air tapping, which is like a way less cool version of air guitaring, which is also very uncool. You see, once Greenwood got in the band, he realized the guitars were so loud, no one would even notice if he didn't play. It worked. At one point, frontman Tom York actually said to him, quote, I can't hear what you're doing,

but I think you're adding a really interesting texture because I can tell when you're not playing, which he could not because Greenwood was never playing. Johnny Greenwood, the keyboardist for Radiohead, reveals that during his first months with the band, he never actually played his instrument and they loved it. Your next story about a rock and roll secret comes from Ashley Ray. Fab Five Freddie told me everybody's fly. DJ spinning, I said, my, my. Thus begins what has recently been revealed to be the most influential hip hop song in history. Performed by Rock and Roll Hall of Famer's Blondie in 1981,

the single Rapture may just seem like exceptionally white lead singer Debbie Harry trying out some rhymes, but as it turns out, with that song, she became the founding goddess of a whole new art form. Miss Harry recently revealed that the late Tupac Shakur wrote her a letter detailing the impact of Rapture, saying that his track California Love, a song about the city of LA's ability to party, was inspired by Harry's, quote, classic, fun, tough, and freestyling flow, unquote. While Dr. Dre and his friends who formed NWA sought out producer Fab Five Freddy because, quote, anybody name-checked by Blondie has got to be the real deal, unquote. Harry stated that she decided to keep the praise from Tupac and other seminal artists a secret,

not wanting to involve herself in the nation's dangerous East Coast-West Coast rivalry at the time, but was inspired by this year's Super Bowl performance to share her role in this piece of history. It turns out that Debbie Harry from Blondie was the seminal figure in the creation of hip hop. Your last shocker about a rocker comes from Peter Gross. This week, we learned the biggest news to come out of New Jersey since Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton and Weehawken. Bruce Springsteen isn't from there. The boss gave a candid interview with the Newark Star-Ledger this week in which he admitted he was actually born Bryce Springsworth in Darien, Connecticut, where he attended the prestigious Chode Rosemary Hall Private School and later Dartmouth College on a polo scholarship. But when launching his music career, Bryce went shopping

for a new identity. He recalls, my butler mentioned that I should try to come across as more working class. Or was it my driver? No, I remember it was Montague, one of my valets. Bryce kept up the ruse for years, but it was tough. Whenever some critic described me as a working class poet, he said, I would nearly spit out my caviar in disgust. I wouldn't actually spit it out. Of course, it's caviar after all. Bruce told the Star Ledger he was writing from a place of truth, though. And you just have to replace the words factory with country club and car with dressage horse. He concluded the interview by saying, one thing that is true, New Jersey is indeed a death trap and a suicide rap. And I strongly recommend people getting out of there while

they're young. All right. So here are your choices. We learned something interesting about a pretty well-known musical act this week. Was it from Nagin Farsad that Johnny Greenwood, the composer and keyboardist for Radiohead, never even played his instrument while trying out for the band and got in the band? From Ashley Ray that Debbie Harry from Blondie helped found hip-hop by influencing the greats of that genre? Or from Peter Gross that Bruce Springsteen is really a rich kid from Connecticut. Oh, gosh. As someone who would love to be in a rock band but can't play an instrument to save their life, I really hope it's McGee. All right. That's your choice. Well, to find out the correct answer, let's hear from the musician in question.

When I got the chance to play with them, the first thing I did was make sure my keyboard was turned off. That was Johnny Greenwood himself talking to Terry Gross on Fresh Air about how he faked it till he made it with Radiohead. Congratulations, you were correct. Nagin was telling you the truth when you had won our prize. The voice of anyone you might like from our show on your voicemail. Thank you. Take care. And now the game where people who have won prestigious awards try to win something very different. It's called Not My Job. Like a lot of people who love epic fantasy fiction, Booker Award-winning author Marlon James wondered why stories like Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings take place in fantastical fictional worlds with magic and

dragons, but somehow the demographics of a Greenwich, Connecticut PTA meeting. His new series of fantasy books changes all of that. The second volume is out now. Marlon James, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me tell me oh my god thanks for having me it's my pleasure so so i i want to i want i want to get to the books um but i want to talk to you about your background we heard that again you have won the booker prize you are a serious guy that your first novel was rejected 78 times it was it was it was um and i actually burnt it i did this sort of ritual burning it was like a viking was rejected 78 times? It was. It was. It was. And I actually burnt it. I did this whole ritual burning.

It was like a Viking burial. And it was very cleansing, I got to tell you. Until somebody showed up a year later and she was like, I'm not leaving this country until you give me that book. Wow.

So I had to find a thing. So things you should know if you don't know, if you deleted something a year ago, undelete does not bring it back. No, no. Good to know.

Just in case y'all did not know that. So control Z. It's not going to happen. Statue of limitation. But before we get to that, I just want to talk to you. So you write this novel, you send it to a publisher, an agent, whomever, and they reject it. And that happens again. So you get to 10, you get to 20 rejections.

What do you tell yourself after 20 rejections? Well, you do it by, you get to 20 rejections. What do you tell yourself after 20 rejections? You do it by not knowing you have 20 rejections. So the thing is, I always send it out in batches of six. And if I didn't hear from anybody, well, that's a six. Whatever. I just find six more names and I send it out. And it wasn't

until this press sent me the not for us card. They can't even write you a letter. It's not a card that says not for us card. They can even write you a letter. It's got a card that says not for us. And I was about to send out the next batch. And I just stopped and thought, how many of these have I done? And so you sort of realized like,

oh my God, that's a lot of rejections. I was a reverse Sally Field. I was like. of rejection. I was a reverse Sally field. I was like, I love that you were rejected so many times. I do people.

Do people say that to you? I think it's so, it's just awesome. It's inspiring. People, people, but I have is, is, you know,

I have students like, Oh my God, my story was rejected four times. I'm like, Oh, sweetie, you got 74 more to go. Okay. And have you ever heard from any of those people who rejected any of the 70 oh yeah do they what do they say yeah i ran into somebody who at

one time was at i think he was at random house i forgot his name which is a polite thing to say you have the name it's on a list somewhere. He was like, oh, my God, your novel. Oh, my God, I still think about it. I can't forget it. So why didn't you publish it then? Like five years later, you're still telling me how you couldn't forget the book. He's like, I had so many of these not for us cards.

I needed to do something with them. That's kind of an amazing story. And eventually you left jamaica and you ended up in minnesota where you've been teaching at mcallister college fine institution there and how was the transition from kingston jamaica to st paul minnesota oh it was a breeze absolutely you know from 90 degrees to minus 90 degrees i mean yeah but yeah you know it's funny my high school yearbook says in in the in in the pictures ambition to work for prince oh yeah the music not an actual prince but the musician yeah so it's always funny when i when i moved to minnesota and i ran to people

from high school i guess where i'm living i know and then are you working for prince i'm like no i'm not working for prince well but they you can let them know they live in jamaica you can let them know that you see prince all the time well i did try to break into his house you did oh yeah it was my 38th birthday what else am i gonna do how big sense to me so what happened yeah we all got in this car and we drove to chan hassan which is not near minneapolis by the way no it's way out there. It's way out there. So we had a lot of time to realize this was a bad idea. Right.

We drove all the way up to Paisley Park and we got out of the cars and we're going to scale the gate. You are kidding me. Oh, yeah. I pretty much hit the gate and then all the alarms went off. How drunk were you guys? We were pretty drunk, but not drunk enough to start screaming, we're English professors, we're English professors. So it was you and a bunch of other tipsy English professors from Macaulay.

It was pretty much the English department of Macaulay College. So the alarms go off. Yeah, and then the security showed up. And for some reason, they believed us and said we're English professors. Because who else would come up with a lie that lame? That's true. That's true. And yeah.

And we ended up talking to them the rest of the night. Really? And it was surreal. It still ended up being a pretty cool birthday. Yeah. Prince didn't show up, though. All right. Let's talk about

your trilogy the first book was black leopard red wolf and you decided you wanted to do something but using african myth and folklore is that right right and of course because you were writing a fantasy novel it has to be a trilogy that's the rule that is the rule unless you're gonna write the tetralogy oh really do you know yet because read that. No, I'm definitely not writing for. Right. You know, you realize that that's what George R.R. Martin said. He was going to write a trilogy. That's what he said.

And that's what he told me. I'm like, it's not happening. So you obviously you've met George R.R. Martin, the author of Game of Thrones books. Did he give you any advice on being a successful fantasy author? No, I think we talked about shoes. We had dinner. What is it we talk about? It sounds like you guys didn't talk about the ending of game of thrones so no and i got issues with that in really i actually didn't

watch the final final season of game of thrones because i was still upset really with it with the world in which we live in right in which fantasy science fiction comic books are so huge you've got to be imagining, you know, the HBO series, the big film adaptation. Is that, is that like a thing you think about?

Yeah, kind of. I mean, people ask, as we, you know, have I thought of who would star in it? And I like to be like all sort of literary author.

No, I haven't thought of that. I have such BS. Of course I've thought of that. I've thought about everything. I did on every single app. I don't know who will play a tree in that show. Well, Marlon James, it is an absolute

joy to talk to you. We have asked you here this time, though, to play a game we're calling... In this epic fantasy, the Buffalo Bills won the Super Bowl. So, you write epic fantasy, so we thought we'd ask you about fantasy football. Answer two to three questions correctly.

You'll win a prize for one of our listeners, the voice of their choice on their voicemail. Bill, who is Marlon James playing for? Andrew Levy of Portland, Oregon. Here's your first question. Fantasy football was created in 1962 by a man named Bill Winkenbach, who was a part owner of the Oakland Raiders NFL team. What was his reason for creating fantasy football? A, the Raiders were so terrible, he wanted to at least pretend he owned a good team. B, he realized there were three hours a week in which he was awake and yet wasn't thinking

about football. Or C, he wanted a version of football in which the players would be armed with swords. Well, I mean, I used to really like these LA Rappers who were Raiders captains. I always go, so is that a good team? And they always go, oh, they're terrible. Right. So I'm going to go with answer one. That's exactly right.

He was so frustrated with his actual football game that he invented a way that he could pretend to have a better one. That's right. Y'all have Ice Cube to thank for that. Yeah, yeah. Ice Cube. All right. Here's your next question.

The most important part of a fantasy football league is draft day where the players in the league get to pick their players from the real NFL rosters. A man named Steve Shrub was so committed to getting his draft right that he did what? A, dumpster dived outside of NFL stadiums to look for discarded medical records. what a dumpster dived outside of nfl stadiums to look for discarded medical records b stated his computer managing his draft during a missile attack on bagram air force base in afghanistan where he was serving or c invented his own fake news organization so he could score interviews with players um i'm gonna go to baghdad uh not baghdad but bagram and you're right yes he was an active duty a guy sitting at his desk in Bagram. There was an air raid.

Everybody ran to the shelters. And he was like, nope, draft's going on. He says, you know, the Rockets hit 50 yards away. He was fine. All right. Last question. Wow. Fantasy football, just like real football, has its scandals.

Once the commissioner of a fantasy football league was caught cheating all of his players just so he could win. Even worse was what? A, he injected himself with horse testosterone, but it turns out that only helps real football players. B, the league was entirely made up of pro cyclists and that commissioner was Lance Armstrong. Or C, he and everyone else in that league were pastors. I mean, Lance Armstrong is connected to some, some dirty stuff. Yes. I can't imagine that they were pastors.

I'm going to go with number one. You're going to go with a horse tranquilizer. No, I'm afraid it was actually, they were all pastors. It was really, it was a league in a big mega church in Oklahoma. Look at me. Can I even recognize the holy. I know. It's terrible.

Bill, how did Marlon James do in our quiz? Marlon, you got two out of three. And here, that is a win. Congratulations. Wow. Yeah. There you go. Marlon James' newest book is Moon Witch, Spider King.

It's the second in his planned trilogy of fantasy books. It's amazing. I recommend it. Marlon James, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell second in his planned trilogy of fantasy books. It's amazing. I recommend it. Marlon James, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. I'm really enjoying the books. Thank you so much for having me, guys. Take care, man. You're great. Thanks, Marlon. In just a minute, Heinz has a new challenger in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and

WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with McGee and Farsad, Peter Gross and Ashley Ray. And here again is your host, now broadcasting from Del Rio, Texas,

where he is currently being detained for smuggling avocados. It's Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill demands renumeration in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1 eight eight eight nine two four eight nine two four right now panel some

more questions for you from the week's news peter a nuclear engineer for the navy decided to sell secrets to somebody he thought was a foreign agent and at one point he hit highly classified american state secrets in a what um but no not in a but very good guess though um okay can i have a hint for where yes you can have a hint it is terrible when the nuclear weapon specs stick to the roof of your mouth he oh i saw this he hid the secrets in a jar of peanut butter close enough in a peanut butter sandwich specifically half a peanut butter sandwich. So a Navy engineer named Jonathan Tobey wanted to sell state secrets and he was contacted by an FBI agent posing as a foreigner. Tobey, who missed obvious signs such as Saudi shakes, are not usually named Jeff. He proceeded to pass on these nuclear secrets, including at one point hiding a flash drive inside half a peanut butter sandwich, right? And he left the peanut butter sandwich in a public place so the supposed foreign agent could pick it up, but it disappeared. In other news, these squirrels of Annapolis, Maryland are now a nuclear power.

I wonder why a peanut butter sandwich. I think I would have gone with a meatball sub, maybe an Italian sub, just something. Oh, it had to at least be a sub. Yeah, I know. If you're going to sell naval secrets, you need to use a submarine. You go with a sub. You make the obvious pun.

Exactly. Or you get a sandwich that nobody wants. You get like a- Liverwurst. The Subway tuna. Yeah, the Subway tuna sandwich. You leave it there, and then like a year later, it's still there because nobody's got it anymore here.

Yeah, even the seagulls are like, I don't know, man. What is that stuff? They're like, I'd rather eat that flash drive than that. Peter, Canadian doctors are ditching quote-unquote medicine and prescribing what to their patients instead? Peter, laughter. Just laughter. Just joy. Just joy. I'll give you a hand. It's like, here, take two magnificent vistas of the Canadian Rockies and call me in the morning.

Getting out and traveling? Yeah, they're giving them passes to national parks as a kind of therapy. Doctors in Canada are prescribing people national park passes because seriously, what can't a trip to Banff cure? Well, cancer. It absolutely cannot cure cancer. The initiative is meant to help people enjoy the curative and preventative aspects of being in the great outdoors. Everybody knows that's good.

Plus, it's a great scam for doctors. Nothing gets more patients in the door like telling people to go on a strenuous hike for the first time ever. Oh, you're back already, Jim. Broken ankle, eh? Yeah, but for what maladies are these things? Yeah, I think mainly for mental health. Yeah, I can't think of anything better for mental illness and depression

than being alone in the woods. That just sounds great. Yeah. If this were in America, of course, the makers of the parks would be taking out medical ads for it on TV and they'd have to lift the side effects like side effects may include bear attacks. Sawing off your own arm after it gets caught under a boulder. Ask your doctor about Yellowstone. Not the TV show.

Ask your parents about that. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can also find tickets to our upcoming shows, March 3rd at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, April 7th at the Harris Theater in Chicago, and two shows at Wolf Trap on August 25th and 26th. We will notice if you're not there. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, this is Karina from San Clemente, California. San Clemente, California, famous as being the home of Richard Nixon. It sure is. And a lot of surfing. That's why Nixon moved there. I see those pictures of Nixon surfing in his dress shoes. It was really something. It was his style. What do you do there in San Clemente?

I'm a hydrogeologist. So I work on a lot of groundwater remediation projects. Right. hydrogeologist. So I work on a lot of groundwater remediation projects. Right. And are you worried that it being California in an epical drought that you're going to be out of work anytime soon? No, actually, the work is only ramping up since there's less and less of it and more and more of it is getting contaminated. You have to fix that problem before it's too late. Right. I was about to say that if we run out of water, you hydrogeologists will be out of work, but that really would be at that point the least of our problems.

That's a good point. Yeah. Well, welcome to the show, Karina. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with a last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Ready to play? Ready. Let's do it then. Here's your first limerick. winner. Ready to play? Ready. Let's do it then. Here's your first Limerick. We cows are acutely aware that food science has answered our prayer. Now carbon dioxide is saving our backside. This steak is made out of thin air. Yes, a company called Air Potions is taking carbon dioxide and turning it into a fleshy meat substitute by feeding it to microbes and then grinding up those microbes into a kind of flour. Now, once they have this flesh flour, they use, quote, culinary techniques to make it look and taste like steak or chicken or salmon.

I'd say they're making meat out of thin air, but it's really kind of more out of thick air, if you know what I mean. I want to say out the gate, it sounds delicious. Every time there's some sort of like, what if we did this with pollutants or carbon dioxide? I'm like, that is good that it helps, but it's just going to make people be like, well, it's cool. Then we can like keep polluting, right? People are going to like make meat out of it. I'm like, I'll just like not get rid of my car and like leave my lawnmower on all day.

I'll buy a Hummer because someone can just eat it someday. Yes. All right. Here is your next limerick. Near our town church, my headache just swells. Quasimodo here really excels. But our quaint local priest must start taming that beast. He got fined now for ringing the...

Bell? Bells! Yes, for years, the entire population of a small town outside Florence, Italy, has been unable to sleep through the night because the local priest insisted on clanging those church bells all day. At least that's what they say. This is clearly a case of anti-hunchbackism. According to residents, the deafening sound of bells would ring out for at least five minutes every hour, including in the middle of the night. Even worse than that, some mornings the priest did the thing where he knew he had to get up at 730. So he set the bells to ring at seven and then 705 and then 707. Worst thing in the world is church bells with a snooze button. Maybe there was no priest.

Maybe it was just a ghost. I know. Maybe it was just someone trying to make the bells popular again. It's a really overlooked instrument these days. Yeah, somebody from like handbell choir from junior high school or something. Wait, did you have a handbell choir in junior high school? I did not, but I do have a handbell choir. That feels entirely

made up. Oh no. Alright, we have one more limerick for you. Here we go. As Her Majesty is cooking a batch up, fresh tomatoes and dates are the match up. And her quaint royal seal will enhance any meal.

Queen Elizabeth sells her own ketchup. Or as they call it over there, ketchup. The Queen of England is selling her own line of ketchup because when I think queen, I think dipping sauce. The Queen of England is now

selling a kind of homemade ketchup, unless it's just a coincidence that Prince Andrew was found completely drained of blood. I find this amazing. The queen, the longest reigning queen in British history, if not world history, she's in her mid-90s and she decides, you know what I'd like to do now? Sell my own brand of condiments. Oh my God, she's going to be on Instagram being like, Yo, what's up, everybody? Please follow me.

We're doing a pop-up in Cardiff. We're at the Camden Farmer's Market. Exactly. Bill, how did Karina do on our quiz? She did great. Three in a row, Karina. Congratulations. Congratulations, Karina.

Well done. Thank you. Good luck keeping the water flowing. Thank you, Scout, as well. Now it's time for our final game, lightning fill in the blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Peter has two.

Ashley has two. And Nagin, with her experience, has four. Peter, I am choosing you arbitrarily to go first. So fill in the blank. The clock will start when I begin your first question. On Sunday, Representative Adam Kinzinger said he expects former Trump lawyer Blank to comply with the January 6th committee. Oh, Rudy Giuliani. Yes, Rudy Giuliani. On Tuesday, the family of the cinematographer accidentally shot on the set of the movie Rust filed a lawsuit against Blank. Alec Baldwin. Yes. This week, a courthouse in Alabama was shut down

after someone called in a suspicious package that turned out to be blank. A Bible that someone was going to swear on. No, two crates of food from Taco Bell. On Wednesday, the first message was posted on blank's new social media platform. Trump? Yeah.

On Sunday, Erin Jackson became the first black woman to win a blank in speed skating. Gold medal? Yeah, gold medal. This week, the to win a blank in speed skating. Gold medal? Yeah, gold medal. This week, the mayor of a town in Ohio resigned following the backlash to his statement that legalized ice fishing leads to blank. Heroin use. No, prostitution. Close.

At a city council meeting, the mayor of Hudson, Ohio, Craig Schubert, opposed ice fishing on the town's lake. He said, quote, if you allow ice fishing with shanties, then that leads to another problem, prostitution. When asked for evidence of this, Schubert couldn't point to any, but he did ask people to please purchase his self-published book, Cold Ice, Hot Nights. Bill, how did Peter do in our quiz? Peter had four right for eight more points. He now has 10 and the lead. Congratulations, Peter. All right. Ashley, you're up next. Okay. On the blank. On Tuesday, Virginia Jeffrey settled her case against Prince Blank for an undisclosed amount. Prince Andrew. Right. On Thursday, a new report stated that over two-thirds of the U.S. is now

immune to the blank variant. Omicron. Right. This week, the White report stated that over two-thirds of the U.S. is now immune to the blank variant. Omicron. Right. This week, the White House rejected Blank's claims that his visitor logs fall under executive privilege. Trump. Yes. According to a new nationwide poll, 75% of people back local mandates on Blank. Mask mandates. Yes. This week, a British police captain who created the force's drug policy has resigned after he blanked. Did heroin.

It's the only one he didn't do. He smoked weed, dropped acid, and tripped on mushrooms. That's a double hippie backflip is the appropriate name for that. And it was my second guess at it. On Monday, it was announced that Wanda Sykes, Regina Hall, and Amy Schumer would host the 2022 Blank Awards. Oscars. Yes.

On Sunday, the Los Angeles Rams made a late game comeback to win the blank. The Super Bowl. Yes. This week, a Canadian woman in a town called Durham tried to report a break-in, but she accidentally blanked. Ordered pizza. No, she accidentally called the Durham, England police. Instead of contacting the police in Durham, Canada, the woman accidentally messaged the Durham County Constabulary in England, 3,500 miles away. The woman is safe and well, thanks to the quick-thinking emergency operator over in the UK, who asked her to stay on the line while they dispatched an officer to Heathrow International Airport, who then took the red-eye to Canada's Waterloo Airport, and then waited at the Hertz counter for a rental car and then drove it the 90 miles

to Durham just in time. Bill, how did Ashley do in her very first ever lightning fell on the blackboard? Well, the newbie did very, very well. She had six right for 12 more points. She now has 14 and the lead. Well, good for you, Ashley, but this

means Nagin needs how many to win? Five to tie, six to win Oh, God All right, here we go, Nagin This is for the game, fill in the blank All right On Tuesday, a jury rejected Blank's libel suit against the New York Times

Sarah Palin Right On Thursday, a judge ruled that Blank must testify in a civil probe of his business practices Trump Yes, and his kids This week, U.S. deaths from Blank exceeded one million people. COVID?

Yeah. This week, a man in Michigan called police to report that someone had stolen his Blank in the middle of the night. Oh, his, um, his jet skis. His entire 12 by 28 foot cabin. According to a new study, the Blank currently gripping the Southwest is the worst in 1200 years. Drought? Yes. According to a new filing, Elon Musk donated nearly $6 billion worth of blank stock to charity in 2021.

Tesla? Yes. In a basketball game this week, a student in Minnesota made a once in a lifetime shot while standing blindfolded at half court and won blank. Tuition to college no he won a hat typically when they have you come out during half time make a trick shot the giveaway like tuition to college or lots of money so spectators were shocked when the student blindfolded sunk it swoosh nothing but net and the only thing he won was a hat. He should have won the rules, which said, if you get this ball anywhere in the building other than in a net, you get a Ferrari. Bill didn't again do well enough to win.

She had five right for 10 more points, which means with 14, she and Ashley are this week's co-champions. There you are, Ashley. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what will be the big surprise out of the closing ceremony in Beijing. But before we end this week's show, I wanted to tell you a story about a friend of ours. Back in 2001, we had to do our first show after 9-11. And our guests for that show bowed out. They just didn't want to have to do comedy about such terrible events. But a producer reached out to the writer P.J. O'Rourke. P.J. specialized in being funny about terrible things, and he came on and was as hilarious as we hoped he would be. So much so, we invited him to be a panelist, and much to my delight, he accepted.

There are a lot of stories all of us here at Wait, Wait could tell you about P.J., and we will someday. But right now, we want you to know that his persona, their curmudgeonly cynic who mocked everything and everyone, was just that, a persona. In real life, P.J. O'Rourke was one of the kindest, most generous, and caring people you could ever hope to know. We will miss him a lot. But I will quote the man himself in a note about grief he wrote to me after my mother died last year. Quote, you don't exactly get over it, an offensive phrase under any circumstances. But the grief in time does turn into a nostalgic ache that is almost comforting. Unquote. We are comforted already by the fact that we were able to get to know him.

Rest in peace, PJ, and all condolences to his family. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions. Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our social media superstar is Emma Choi. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, Lillian King and Nancy Seychow. Our production assistant is Sophie Hernandez Simeonides.

Special thanks to Vinnie Thomas. Assistant to the Avocado Inspector is Peter Gwynn. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth.

Now, panel, what will be the big surprise out of the Winter Olympics closing ceremonies? Nagin Farsad. 50 Cent does yet another surprise rendition of In the Club, but this time standing right side up. Peter Gross. President Xi of China will sing Closing Time by Semisonic. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

And Ashley Ray. A special Olympic Village edition COVID variant will be introduced. Well, if that happens, we're going to ask you about it here on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Nagin Farsad, Peter Gross, and Ashley Ray. What a great debut on our show. Thanks to all of you out there for listening. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.