Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Matt Walsh

Episode Date: April 9, 2022

Matt Walsh, from HBO's Veep, plays our game about mistakes in sports announcing. Joining him are panelists Karen Chee, Helen Hong and Alonzo Bodden.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Me, quote, the princess bride? Inconceivable! I'm Bill Curtis. And here is your host. At the Harris Theater in Chicago, a man standing uncomfortably close to me right now. It's Peter Sagal.

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thanks to our real live audience here at the Harris Theater. We are so grateful you're here, whether you came to see our show or just to escape what passes for spring here in Chicago. I mean, the sleet is one thing, but what's with the smothering layers of volcanic ash? Later on, we're going to be talking to one of Chicago's own, actor Matt Walsh, best known

for playing the beleaguered press secretary on Veep. But first, we want you to hedge while answering our tough questions. The number to call is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Nick Sentevich calling from Arlington Heights, Illinois. Arlington Heights? That's quite nearby. What do you do there in Arlington Heights? I am a radio producer. I produce two shows for Relevant Radio, a Catholic national radio network. Oh, wow. So a radio station that's actually relevant.

Okay. So what kind of programs do you do for Relevant Radio? I produce a couple of shows. One is kind of a zany Bible study show, and the other is kind of a spiritual direction show where we talk about different topics, and it's a lot of fun. Tell me what happens on the zany Bible show. Hey, two Corinthians walk into a bar. On this network, all dead air is resurrected. Hey!

Hey! resurrected. Hey! Hey! Whoa. Nick, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, a comedian and writer for Late Night with Seth Myers, and a very nice girl in general.

It's Karen Chee! Hello, hello! Hi, Karen. Hi, Nick. Next, a comedian you can see at CB Live in Phoenix, Arizona, April 14th to the 16th. It's Alonzo Bowden. Hello, Nick. Hello, Alonzo.

And a comedian who will be at the San Francisco Punchline April 27th through the 30th and at Full House Comedy Club in Grand Rapids, Michigan, May 4th through the 7th. It's Helen Hong. Hey, Nick. Tip your Samaritans, am I right? Nick, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill? This time, Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. You ready to go? I'm ready to go. Let's do it. Here's your first quote. We want to thank Jeff Bezos for going to space,

because when he was up there, we were signing people up. That was a man named Christian Smalls thanking Jeff Bezos for helping him organize workers into Amazon's first ever what? Unions. Yes, the union. An Amazon warehouse in Staten Island has become the first to successfully vote in a union, and some employees there even signed up for union prime where they are illegally fired for joining a union the very next day. Now, the organizers are amazing. Christian Smalls was an Amazon employee who got fired and decided to go back and unionize the place, becoming the only person to ever enter an Amazon warehouse voluntarily. And these guys are geniuses. To get people to their union meetings, they offered everybody free baked ziti and weed.

Right? What? Free baked ziti and weed to organize a union somewhere Jimmy Hoffa is like you couldn't just sprain Somebody's kneecaps just for old time's sake So with Amazon unions, yeah, will things be falling off of trucks in New York much more accurately exactly This fell off the truck right on your doorstep exactly now Everybody is very excited because this is the first victory for unions in a long time.

When you think about it, the Amazon organizers kind of had it easy because usually you have to convince people that your bosses are fat cats in mansions. This time, the boss is actually a sociopath who goes to space on his own penis rocket. Now, the problem is, so Amazon is not happy. And Amazon, as you may know, is a very powerful company,

and they're going to fight back with every tool at their disposal. Like, for example, on Amazon Prime, right? Instead of stand-up, the marvelous Ms. Maisel will just rant about how unions are full of commies. And in the next season of Reacher, he'll beat up anybody asking for health benefits. On the downside, if the Teamsters don't deliver your package on time, you don't complain. That's true. Yeah.

All right. Here is your next quote. Players will still have the option of using the traditional method of finger flashing. So finger flashing may soon be gone from what sport whose season finally started this week? Baseball. Yes, baseball! Baseball had its opening day this week, starting with a Cubs win. He said

sucking up. Baseball is back to normal two years after the season was cut in half and then played in empty stadiums because of COVID, there are some significant changes to the game this year, but don't worry, it's still boring. One of the changes, new technology that allows the catcher to send pitches to the pitcher electronically

to stop sign stealing. The catcher pushes a button strapped to his wrist, the pitcher hears like knuckleball or whatever in his sort of hat. So in addition to the great pleasures of watching batters step out of the box and scratching themselves, baseball fans can now enjoy regularly stopping play to change the pitcher's batteries. Right. So the idea to stop them from stealing signals is to send an electronic signal that can be hacked by

people interested in, oh, this is brilliant. This should be good. Right. And they're going to hack it. They're going to find out what they're saying. They're going to change the signal. You're going to see the pitcher sort of look in, nod, then throw the ball straight up in the air and punch himself in the face.

Because that's... I wonder if there's a lot of options. Is it like texting? Because then it'd be nice if the pitcher, you the pitcher could periodically just send a text that's like, keep it up, I love you. And then the person's like, oh my God, thank you so much. Do you want to get a dinner? Little emojis.

After a good pitch, they send a little heart emoji. I'm so proud of you. You're doing great, Bob. All I'm hearing her say is, yeah, baseball's done. Yeah, I've never, I don't know. You've never watched a game of baseball in your life, Karen. But I love texting my friends. That's great.

And another big change, this is absolutely true, in a big step for gender equality, the company that makes Cracker Jack is now introducing Cracker Jills. Wow. Oh, that's what we've been waiting for. Exactly. Gosh. Fuck. Finally, Karen, we've won.

We've won the gender equality battle. Forget making 73 cents to a dollar. Cracker Jills. You've got them. Ladies. Of course, the difference between Cracker Jills, Cracker Jack, no nuts. Peter Sagal, everybody. Peter Sagal everybody You were going to get that joke in no matter what

I would have stayed late And delivered it to an empty hall Alright Here is your last quote It's the same airplane experience Except for the flying part That was Gizmodo commenting On American Airlines becoming the latest

Carrier to incorporate what into their flight schedule? A bus? Yes, a bus. What? Buses are becoming part of airline operations with the price of fuel so high it is cheaper for airlines to use a bus instead of planes on short flights

like for Philadelphia to Atlantic City. So imagine the thrill, you know, you get on that bus, we're still taxiing, still taxiing. Wait, to be clear, the bus doesn't fly. The bus, yes. Okay. The bus does not fly.

I was about to say, that sounds amazing. I would totally ride a bus. A flying bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it a flying bus, though? Just go with me here for a second. Okay. Is it a flying bus, an airplane?

Yeah. No, really, if you ever want to fly on a bus, though, just go with me here for a second. Isn't a flying bus an airplane? Yeah. No, really. If you ever want to fly on a bus, you just buy a ticket on Spirit Airlines. If you go to the bathroom... Wait, are there bathrooms on the bus? There are bathrooms on the bus. Okay, if you go to the bathroom on the bus and you flush, does it go like, suck everything out? That really is the thrill

of air travel. Yeah, exactly. I think when you're riding a bus to Atlantic City, the bus is the bathroom. Yeah. So, if you're an airline that uses planes like, I don't know, Delta. One of those fancy airlines. Isn't an American

Airlines bus the greatest ad you will ever have in your commercials? Just show them the old American Airlines bus and the Delta Airlines airplane and say, hey, join us. Bill, how did Nick do on our quiz? He did very well. Nick got 3

and 0. Congratulations. Congratulations. Well done, Nick. Thank you. Take care. The driver on the bus says, move on back. Move on back. next. Thank you. Take care. Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Karen, scientists have determined a lot of the circulation of water within the ocean, so important to the ocean's biosphere environment, is caused by what?

Waves. No. We're almost asking what causes the waves. A fish? Yes. Fish doing what? Swimming. No, no.

Eating? No. Okay. Saying hello to each other? In a way. Okay. Mating? Yes. What? No. Okay. Saying hello to each other? In a way. Okay. Mating? Yes.

What? Fish sex. What? I got it. It turns out that when giant schools of anchovies do it, it gets so freaky, it actually churns up the ocean. What? It's true.

Okay. That's crazy. I'm already like horned up. All right. Yeah. I'm already like horned up. All right. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Schools of anchovies somehow do it for you? What? So let me explain. Scientists have always known that ocean currents within the ocean is very important for, well, everything. And they always assumed it was caused by the weather, temperature differentials, but now researchers have discovered that anchovies show such, quote, frantic behavior during spawning that they can actually mix up the ocean currents. So, all the anchovies are like, wow, honey, that was amazing. I felt the ocean move.

Wow. They were observing the water off the coast of Spain, and they noted that even though the weather was calm, turbulence increased the water every night right after anchovy happy hour. Gross. Gross. Even though the weather was calm, turbulence increased the water every night right after anchovy happy hour. Gross. So if the anchovies are making waves, what are the whales doing? I know. Those are hurricanes.

It's really surprising. Like, the anchovies? The anchovies do that? It will change this thing, the image of anchovies. All of a sudden, they're all going to become packed in formerly virgin olive oil. Oh, la, la. Whee! Whee!

Coming up, there's nothing our panelists like better than to lie to you. In our Bluff the Listener game, call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Helen Hong, Karen Chee, and Alonzo Bowden. And now, freshly trapped by Illinois Animal Control and brought here to host this show at the Harris Theater, Peter Sagal.

Thank you, Bill. Thank you right now. It's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Joshua Peck in Clarksville, Georgia. Hey, Clarksville, Georgia.

Now, I don't know where that is. Where is it? We are about an hour and a half north of Atlanta, near both the North Carolina and South Carolina border. I understand. You can choose your Carolinas. And what do you do there? I do public relations for a law firm.

So, what is it like doing PR for a law firm in rural Georgia? Well, the lawyers sometimes make exceptions to the sound of sheep and goats in the background, and I just explain it away. I understand. Do they think the sheeps and goats are commenting unfavorably upon the lawyers? That is usually how they take it. I understand. Sensitive people.

Well, welcome to the show, Joshua. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's Joshua's topic? Nothing she liked better. The beloved, warm-hearted British actress June Brown died this week at 95. And her obituary in the Times of London led off by mentioning the one surprising thing she liked better than anything else. Our panelists are going to tell you what that is.

Pick the one who's telling the truth and you will win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice on your voicemail. You ready to play? I am. All right. Your first story of the life of June Brown comes from Helen Hong. Beloved English actress June Brown, who passed away this week at the age of 95, enjoyed nothing more than acting, spending time with her children, and clam chowder in a bread bowl.

It's a perfect meal, it really is. You've got all your nutritional essentials in one dish. Dairy, potatoes, clams, and bread. The actress was so taken with the dish that she ate one every single day for 27 years. Miss Brown even planned her trips around her culinary obsession, only traveling to destinations where a clam chowder bread bowl was available within a 10-mile radius. I was invited to a friend's villa in Mallorca, Spain.

A Mallorcan villa is all well and good, but if I can't have my bread and chowder, I'm not going. In lieu of flowers, fans of the late actress have been leaving bread bowls on the stoop of her London home. The thing that June Brown loved more than anything? Clam chowder in a bread bowl. Your next story of June Brown's hobbies comes from Karen Chee. Earlier this week, British actress of stage and screen June Brown

sadly passed away at 95 years of age. Brown grew up in Ipswich in England, where she had a wonderful, lively childhood free from bullying, despite the fact that her name was just a month and a color. And in fact, Brown may have actually been the person who did the bullying, specifically of small rabbits. Apparently, according to her obituary, there was nothing she liked better as a child than to, quote,

put a rabbit in a biscuit tin, kill it, and then cut it up. Said Brown, before she died, said Brown, nowadays people would scream in horror at the thought, which, to be fair, is true. The only addendum is that people back then were probably also screaming in horror, but she couldn't hear because of all the blood rushing in her ears. Anyway, the moral of the story is that June Brown has sadly died,

and she was an inspiring figure to all the little girls out there who aspire to one day become actresses. So if you're one of those little girls and you're listening to one day become actresses. So if you're one of those little girls and you're listening to NPR right now, I've got one thing to say, please stop murdering rabbits. The thing that June Brown liked better than anything else was as a child killing and dissecting rabbits. Your last story of what June Brown liked best comes from Alonzo Bowden. When she was little,

actress June Brown's favorite thing was horses. That's not unusual. Being a local bookie for girls under 12, that's a bit unusual. As an 11th birthday present, June's father took her to Kempton Park to see the horse races. As per her obituary,

there was nothing June liked better than the horses, the pageantry, but mostly the betting. Little June's friends all loved horses, but for them it was all just black beauty and national velvet, so June taught them the ways of the handicapper. Then she began taking her friends' bets herself, offering her own odd sheet. She made bank, because while her friends would pick winners based on cute names or shiny silk colors, June relied on weather reports, past performance data, and of course, rumors of illicit doping she picked up around the stalls. Things came to an end when her parents noticed a few things that were a little odd. Why were little girls dropping by before and after school carrying rolled up newspapers? Finally, the operation was shut down when she asked her dad if they ever sent children to prison

for fixing horse races. All right. According to her obituary, beloved British actress June Brown, who died this week at the age of five, loved nothing better than from Helen Hong, clam chowder and bread balls. Sorry. From Helen Hong, clam chowder and bread bowls. From Karen Tree, trapping and killing and dissecting small animals. Karen Tree.

Good Lord. What is wrong with me? It's eco-friendly. I love it. Okay. Yeah. Or from Alonzo Bowden, acting as a bookie, taking her friends' bets on horse races.

Which of these is the real story of June Brown's childhood hobby? Peter, for some reason I've never understood. British people seem to like eating rabbits. And that makes Karen's story the most plausible, although I have to say I like red balls, too. Red balls! Red balls! Oh, you say it your way, I'll say it.

You've chosen Karen's story of her enthusiasm for, well, experiments on rabbits to bring you the correct answer we spoke to someone familiar with the real obituary. The obituary didn't sound like she routinely cut up rabbits and enjoyed it. That was Neil Genslinger. He's the obituary writer for the New York Times talking about how June Brown liked nothing better as a child than to trap, gas, and dissect rabbits. I know it's weird. You, however, have in fact figured it out. So, you have won our prize and a point for Karen. Congratulations. So, it's good news for you, good news for Karen, and good news for the rabbits because June Brown is no longer around to torment them. Thank you so much for playing our game.

Thank you. Bye bye. And now the game where people who have traveled far come back to the start to see why they left. It's called Not My Job. Like all great comic actors, Matt Walsh is from Chicago. He grew up here and helped start the Upright Citizens Brigade comedy troupe with Amy Poehler, among others,

and went on to play hundreds of roles in everything from Arrested Development to Veep, where he played Head of Communications Mike McClintock. He's got a new movie coming out in a couple of weeks. It's called Unplugging. It's set in Chicago. We are so glad to welcome him home. Matt Walsh, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you. So excited. So it's true, you grew up here and you entered into, you went into the traditional Chicago business of improv comedy. Yes, sir. Upright Citizens Brigade was a group that we... Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah, we started here in Chicago and did crazy shows and decided to take a chance and move to New York with our prop, our little chest of props and try to get a show on Comedy Central. Did you guys have a style that distinguished you

from the other 40,000 people doing sketch comedy in Chicago at the time? Yeah, we would. We would prank reality. So we would do sketches where you would see these characters and then we would take those characters and provoke nice, kind people on the streets of Chicago with those characters. You would take the entire audience out to the street? On occasion. It's not effective ultimately, but... So somebody would be walking down the street and they'd find you or one of your partners dressed say is a pirate captain yeah with a fake hook hand and 30 people standing and watching to see what happened yes exactly and

what was given away that this was not real someone saying I'm cold and I need to get back into the theater to get my coat did anybody ever react negatively to being pranked by you amusing people? Well, we had one thing where our friend Horatio got arrested because it was too disruptive and we were holding torches in the middle of the street. And just sort of like staging a fake car accident where our friend would drive a car and we would roll over it. Things like that. Right, right, right. I imagine, I'm guessing, you can tell me if I'm wrong. Do you get recognized? You're wrong. Usually people wait. I'm sorry. We're not playing the game yet. We're not playing the game yet. That you get most recognized for your role in Veep. Veep is currently the thing I got recognized most for. Oftentimes it was, thank you, please.

So you did Veep. and what we have heard consistently from anybody who's been involved in Washington is that that, not the West Wing, is the most accurate version of life in D.C. Was that your experience? It's true, yeah. We heard that a lot. It was sort of a workplace comedy,

and it was completely relatable because so many people in Washington aren't the person. They're not the congressman. They're not the judge. They're not the head of the department. And then both sides, whether they're Republican or Democrat, always felt like you were making fun of the other party. Right.

Because we never mentioned. Yeah, it's true. You never mentioned it. And I remember the first time we aired an episode of Veep in front of a D.C. crowd. It was the pilot. The biggest laugh was when Tony Hale, as they're doing a greeting line, Tony Hale whispers in Julia Dreyfuss' ear as a man and a young woman come forward to greet her.

She says, wife, not daughter, wife, not daughter. Huge laugh. Right. Total recognition. Yes. Completely true. Yes. Always happening in DC.

Did you... Your other, in addition to improv, your other big enthusiasm is Chicago sports. Yes. Right. I love Chicago Bears. Big time. Thank you.

I don't know why. Yeah. So I think they'll be like 6-11 this year, probably. It's a lot of disappointment, which a lot of things sports loyalties are. It's a lot of disappointment, which a lot of things sports loyalties are. There's a lot of sad teams. It's better than being a Detroit Lions fan. That's true.

They have nothing to look back on. Matt Stafford left that city and won a Super Bowl. I mean, wow. But if you're a Lions fan, but if you're a Lions fan, but if you're a Lions fan. Are you a Lions fan? No, but I'm just saying, if you are, you go in with no hope. So there's no disappointment.

Like you... I guess you're never teased into thinking, oh, this could be the year. Right. You're never thinking like, oh, they're going to be great this year. You're like, no, we'll see what goes wrong. That's sort of how I approach dating. But it must be so painful, just every year painful, painful,

just watching no victories or losing in the last second like that. Are you still talking about my dating life? Yeah, I was about to say. I was talking about the dating. I understand, yeah. I was. We heard.

Well, Matt Walsh, it is great talking to you, but we've asked you here to play a game we're calling... The Giants win the Stanley Cup. The Giants win the Stanley Cup. You are a sports fan, as we have established. That means you must watch and listen to a lot of sports broadcasting. So, you know that a lot of times when there's time to fill, things get weird. So, we're going to ask you two out of three questions

about some mistakes in sports broadcasting. Get two out of three right, some mistakes in sports broadcasting. Love it. Get two out of three right, you will win our prize, the voice of anyone they choose for their voicemail. That's for, of course, one of our listeners. Bill, who is Matt Walsh playing for? Evelyn Williams of Boston, Massachusetts. All right. Evelyn, I got you.

I got you, Evelyn. I got you. All right, here we go. British sports announcer David Coleman has said so many ridiculous things on air that British people call announcer bloopers generically Coleman balls. Which of these did he actually say while covering a cycling race?

A, it's amazing how those skinny little tubes manage to hold all the gasoline they need. B, the front wheel crosses the finish line closely followed by the back wheel. Or C, as everyone knows, the buy-in bicycle refers to how fast they go by. I'm going to go the front wheel, back wheel, the second one. That's right. That's what he said. There are many of them. Another one from when he was doing a soccer match. If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.

This guy sounds like a delight. He must be. Next question. That's amazing. Depending on who you ask, Joe Buck is either the most beloved or most hated play-by-play announcer. His talent. We have a sample of both here in the theater. There you are.

Fight, fight, fight. Polarizing, polarizing. We have some people who hate Joe Buck up in the back, and here we have Joe Buck, who likes him. Hi, Joe. Nice to see you, Joe. He is either the most beloved or most hated play-by-play announcer.

His talent is so renowned as an announcer, he has had to ask people to please stop doing what? A. Telling him to embrace his natural hair loss. B. Using his name as a substitute for a well-known profanity as in go buck yourself. Or C. Please stop sending him sex

tapes to record play-by-play commentary for. I don't hate Joe Buck so I can't relate to this one, but I'll go the sex tape one. You're right. That's true. Now you have sympathy for Joe Buck. I also do not hate Joe Buck. What? Yeah. But I'm just trying to think about like the people who like make a sex tape. That's fine. Whatever, you know, they want to do and then look at it and they'll go, you know what this could use? whatever, you know, they want to do, and then look at it, and they'll go, you know what this could use? The dulcet tones of Joe Buck, trying to build up some tension, resolving it, congratulating us.

I wonder if he'd have to talk fast. It would be amusing if he could say things like, the front wheel is followed closely by the back wheel. All right, you're doing very well here, Matt. Here's your last question. Stop it, stop it. As you may yourself have found out in your long career of fandom, the press boxes in stadiums are not always the best seats in the house. In fact, at Shea Stadium, the press box was so cramped that which of these things happens to beloved Cubs radio analyst Ron Santo?

A, he had to remove his artificial leg to fit inside. B, when he stood up for the national anthem, his toupee caught fire in an overhead space heater. Or C, he had to swap in and out with a play-by-play guy because there wasn't room for both of them at the same time. A and B could both be true, I think. But I'm going to say A, the leg. The leg. Boo. Boo.

Whoa. I'm not, should I change, can I? I'm not going to tell you what to do. Do I get a lifeline at this moment? Do I get to call someone? This is improv. Can I, yeah, can I? You're a trained improv guy.

I'm going to appeal to my panel here. Does anybody know? I'm going to guess the boo wasn't about, I'm going to guess the boo was because you got it wrong. All right, so let's just go over the choices. Was it A, he had to remove his artificial leg to fit inside, B, when he stood up for the national anthem, his toupee caught fire because of the low space heater?

Whoa! The crowd likes the toupee. All right, I'm going to go with America, Peter. I'm going to say America knows Ron Sano. We're going to say B. You're right. That's what happens. They're right.

Bill, how did Matt Walsh do in our quiz? Matt Walsh, three out of three. What a champion. Chicago's own Matt Walsh wrote and stars in the upcoming movie Unplugging. Matt Walsh, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. You were the best. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Matt Walsh, everybody. In just a minute, Home Phones E.T. in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Alonzo, Bowdoin, Helen Hong, and Karen Shee. And here again is your host at the Harris Theater in Chicago, but still on Zoom in his heart.

It's Peter Sale. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill pays for his own rhyme and board in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel,

some more questions for you from the week's news. Helen, a photo of Kylie Jenner's new baby's nursery caused a stir when someone determined that Ms. Jenner had spent $20,000 on a what for her child? An actual pony?

A hint, please. At that price, it should be made from Teddy Roosevelt's actual skin. Is that a hint? It is, yeah. Teddy Roosevelt. A teddy bear? Yes. A teddy bear. Yes, a teddy bear.

A $20,000 teddy bear. It's a rare Louis Vuitton bear, which is valued at about $20,000. But really, who can put a price on a wad of stuffing a baby drags around and barfs on? It's obviously just conspicuous consumption. I plan on letting my child show the world we have so much money we can afford to waste tens of thousands of dollars by just letting him attend college. Wait. Is this a real thing?

This is a real thing. You can buy a $20,000 teddy bear? If you can find one. It's a specific Louis Vuitton teddy bear. It's covered with Louis Vuitton logos. It is no longer made. It was $9,000 new

and because it's no longer made, it's $20,000 in the secondary teddy bear market. Wow. A hot, that's a hot eBay item.

Yeah, it absolutely is. If it's on the secondary market, it might have baby barf on it. It might have been used. Yes, you don't know. Maybe a rich baby barf, though.

Yeah. Oh, definitely a rich baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty expensive. That's like some good food in there. The best. Like caviar. If you have a teddy bear that expensive and there's a fire, who do you grab first?

I mean, again, the Louis Vuitton teddy bear is very rare, and they keep coming up with new Kardashians every year. For a little bit more, you could get Pete Davidson. I think the teddy bear is less scruffy. Karen, a new survey has found that most Americans cannot name all four of their what? All four of the girls in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. That would be a tragedy if America had sunk so low that we could not name

the four girls in the Sisterhood of the Pants. That would be really embarrassing. Yeah, I know. No, it's not that. Every person has four of these. What do people have four of? What? They're always like, well, who are those old people we always have to go visit, Mom? Oh, grandparents!

Yes! Only 43% of respondents could name all four of their grandparents. It's surprising, but people, this is what happens when you only open the card to check if there's money inside. But people, this is what happens when you only open the card to check if there's money inside. Wait, like by name? Because I don't know my grandparents' names. It's just like grandma, grandma, grandpa, grandpa. I know my grandparents' names. Wait a minute.

You don't know their names and you just call them grandma and grandpa. You have two grandmas, two grandpas. Can you tell them apart? That's racist. Thank you, parents. Thank you. See? Thank you. See? Representation matters. Representation matters. No, this is bad. This is bad. It's a problem that most people cannot pick their grandpa out of a lineup,

especially if they had just witnessed their grandpa murder someone. I feel like you guys are judging me. I literally just called them Halmoni and Haraboji, which is the Korean way of saying grandma and grandpa. I never really go, hey, John Roberts, or whatever their name is. To be fair, it would be really weird to call a Korean grandparents John Roberts. I think John Roberts would be common amongst Korean grandparents. It'd be memorable.

Yeah. Jake Stewart or whatever your name is. My grandparents are also Korean in Korea and I know their names. Not to, that sounds like I'm bragging. Okay, humble bragging. You know what? Okay, humble. Helen. Okay, humble brags.

Helen. Show-offs. You have to get a password somewhere. Say my name. No, no, no. I won't be forgotten. Say my name. Say my name Say my name

Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call to leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or you can click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can also find out about attending

our upcoming shows in Philadelphia at the Mann Center on June 30th and at Wolf Trap outside of Washington, D.C., August 25th and 26th. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, my name is Lindsay Sandusky, and I'm calling you from Corvallis, Oregon. Oh, really? Corvallis is beautiful. What do you do there? I work in a plant molecular biology lab, but I'm actually in the fall starting my PhD program. Oh, wow. That's very cool. So you plant molecular biology? Yes. Exactly that. So are you trying to invent new plants? Maybe in the long run. That's not

my goal. I just kind of run some protein stuff and do what I'm told. That's exactly. Yes, we all do ultimately. Do you have a favorite plant? Oh, that's so hard. It's hard to choose. I'm told. That's exactly, yes, we all do ultimately. Do you have a favorite plant? Oh, that's so hard. It's hard to choose. I'm really a fan of the Lamiaceae family, all the good smelling ones. Oh yeah, just go for the popular one, why don't you? Gosh, cliched answer there. Yeah. Well, Lindsay, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly, and two of the limericks will be a winner.

You ready to play? Yes, let's go. All right, here is your first limerick. With its jewels, this watch is real dishy. But the case isn't firm. Something's fishy. There's give as I'm pushing. It feels like a cushion.

Cartier made a watch that is... Rhymes with dishy, rhymes with fishy. Isn't firm. It's not itchy. An itchy watch. No, I don't think so. Is it a watch that is squishy? It's squishy, yes.

Cartier's newest high-end jewel-encrusted collector's watch is soft like a cushion. It looks fancy with jewels and stuff on it, but when you touch it, it's squishy and giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Does a squishy watch give you squishy time? According to my watch, it's 315-ish. It's like a jelly material?

It's actually like a cushion. You can press it. And yet it is a watch. It is covered with diamonds, platinum, just like all very high-end watches. Wouldn't the diamond fall out? You'd worry about that,

wouldn't you? Not if you can afford a squishy watch. You don't care where the diamonds fall. If you're worried about diamonds, you've got a squishy watch. Here's your next limerick.

As a model, my love is fraught. Even Cupid won't give me a shot. This app that finds dates says I'm catfishing bait. They have banned me because I am too...

Too hot? Yes, too hot. Models have a hard time dating online. It's true, yeah. Yeah. They say, and I'm sure everyone here has experienced this, that their dating profiles keep getting taken down

because people think that they are fake accounts trying to catfish people, right? The models claim it's because their photos are too good-looking and not because their bios say, 50% off Ray-Bans using promo code Bitcoin2022. Is this a problem for like five people? Like what is...

Yeah, I do not think it's widespread. Yeah, like what... They wrote an article about it to be like the five women who are like, oh my God. It's so hard. Yeah. Here's your last limerick.

When the extraterrestrials come sailing in, let us hope that their moods buck an alien. Then, when contact is made, we will hold a parade. We have sent our position to... To aliens? To aliens, yes! Despite dire warnings not to do so, a group of scientists from Cambridge have created a new message describing our location to be sent into deep space,

to which the aliens will respond, sorry, I'm in a tunnel, can't hear you, ah, hung up. Stephen Hawking, among many other people, have said this is a terrible idea, we should not do it, because the odds are very high that the aliens who get this message and come to find us will not be nice. And we absolutely should not have ended the message with, P.S., we are delicious. Do you think they're getting our message and just sending back something like, new ship, who dis? Since, of course, any aliens

out there would not speak Earth languages, the message is composed entirely of mathematical equations, so if we're lucky, the bloodthirsty aliens who receive it will all turn out to be liberal arts majors. Bill, how did Lindsay do on our quiz? She did great! Three in a row.

Congratulations, Lindsay. Well done. Thank you. All right. Good luck creating those new forms of plant life. Thank you. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points.

Bill, can you give us the scores? I can. Karen has three, Helen has three, and Alonzo has one. So that means Alonzo is in third place. You're up first. The clock will start when they begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the White House announced new sanctions against blank. Russia. Right. On Tuesday,

Twitter announced it was making blank a member of its board. Elon Musk. Right. This week, the Supreme Court reinstated a Trump-era environmental rule that would make it harder to block projects that would pollute blank. The ocean. Close enough. Rivers and streams. On Tuesday, another member of the GOP who voted to impeach blank announced he would not be seeking re-election. Trump. Right. This week, health officials announced a recall of Blank eggs over fears of salmonella. Chicken?

No, Kinder Surprise chocolate eggs. This week, a convenience store employee in Canada was treated for minor injuries after a shoplifter assaulted him with Blank. Wow. In Canada? Yes. I don't know, can you assault someone with ice? No, it was a chocolate bunny. And I know you're like skeptical, but we should point out, even though the injuries were minor, the injuries were worse than expected because this was a Mr. Solid brand chocolate bunny, not one of those hollow ones. Could have been worse, though. The shoplifter could have forced the employee to eat a Kinder Surprise chocolate egg. Bill, how did Alonzo do in our quiz? Four right. Eight more points. He is in the lead. All right. I am arbitrarily going to choose Helen to go next.

Okay. All right, Helen, fill in the blank. On Thursday, the Senate confirmed Katonji Brown-Jackson to be the next blank. Supreme Court Justice. Yes. On Tuesday, lawmakers in Oklahoma approved a bill making it a felony to perform blanks.

Abortions. Right. This week, the House voted to hold two former aides of blank in contempt. Trump. Yes. On week, the House voted to hold two former aides of blank in contempt. Trump. Yes. On Tuesday, the administration announced it was extending the pause on federal blank repayments. Student loans.

Right. In a new interview, Mark Zuckerberg said that his employees at Meta lovingly refer to him as blank. The eye of Sauron. That's right. On Thursday, zoos across the country announced plans to move birds inside to protect them from blank. Kinder. Surprise eggs. Avian flu.

According to forecasters, 19 named storms should be expected this blank season. Hurricane. Right. This week, a court ruled that blank could not be used as evidence in the case of a romance author who murdered her husband. Her book? Which was called? Murdering Your Husband. Exactly right. There's technically an essay, and it was titled How to Murder Your Husband. The judge said

that this 10-year-old blog post would bias a jury in the prosecution's favor. The romance author is relieved that the essay won't be admitted as evidence, but is really upset she didn't title it How to Murder Your Husband and also Get Away With It. Bill, how did Helen do in our quiz? Well, she murdered it. Seven right. Fourteen more points. She leads with

seventeen. So, even I can do this math. That means that Karen Chee has to get eight right to win. Eight wins. All right, here you go. All right, here we go. All right, Karen, this is for the game. Give me the good ones. Oh, okay, then. In a vote on Wednesday, seven GOP lawmakers

voted against investigating blank for war crimes. Putin? Yes. On Thursday, Nancy Pelosi revealed that she had tested positive for blank. COVID! Yes. This week, oil executives told members of Congress that they weren't responsible for high blank prices. Oil prices, gas prices. Yes, on Tuesday, former President Blank

made his first visit to the White House in five years. Barack Obama. Right, this week, officers in Florida arrested a blank for driving under the influence. A man. I'm tempted to give it to you, but it was a driving instructor. On Thursday, scientists said they'd found a fossil of one of the blanks killed the day an asteroid struck the Earth. A dinosaur.

Right. For the first time since his car accident, Blank played in a major golf tournament. Tiger Woods. Yes. This week, police in New Zealand had to be called to a potato chip factory after workers discovered that one muddy-looking potato was actually Blank. A poop? No.

A live hand grenade. What? Factory employees called the bomb squad after they noticed that one of these little potatoes was way more bumpy than the others and also had a pin sticking out of it. It was disarmed safely, but somewhere there is a soldier who just threw a grenade at the enemy, and it was wondering why the only thing that happened was that the enemy then yelled for him to throw some salt. only thing that happened was that the enemy then yelled for him to throw some salt.

Bill, did Karen do well enough to win? She did very well. Six right. Twelve more points. But with 17, the champ is Helen Hall. Yay!

Not bad for someone who doesn't know the name of their grandparents. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what will be the next big change they make to baseball. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Gotka writes our limericks.

Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our tour manager is Shana Donald. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, Lillian King, and Nancy Seychow. Our production assistant is Sophie Hernandez-Semienides. Special thanks to Vini Thomas. As a child, there was nothing I liked better than Peter Gwynn.

Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog. The executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Michael Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the next big change coming to baseball? Helen Hong. They'll travel to away games via American Airlines bus.

Alonzo Bowden. Neon. Everything. The ball, the baselines, the fences. It's going to be like rock and roll bowling. And Karen Chee. When you get to first base, you're going to have to make out with the first baseman now. Well, if any of that happens, Fanel, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Night.

Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Helen Hong, Alonzo Bowden, Karen Chee. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Harris Theater. Thanks to everyone at WBEZ Chicago. Thanks to you here at the Harris Theatre. Thanks for coming out. Thanks to all of you for listening at home. I'm Peter Sagal.

We'll see you next week. applause This is NPR.