Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Porsha Williams

Episode Date: March 5, 2022

Real Housewives of Atlanta star Porsha Williams plays our game called "Real Housewife meet a Fake Housewife." She is joined by panelists Faith Salie, Joel Kim Booster and Hari Kondabolu. Filling in for Bill Kurtis is Chioke I'Anson.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Filling in for Bill Curtis, I'm Chioki Ianson, and I just got off the midnight train to Georgia. Here is your host, who took the 6 a.m. train to Georgia because it was cheaper, on stage at the Fox Theater in ATL, Peter Segal. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Chioki. And thank you, actual human beings. It was almost exactly two years ago, March 12, 2020, that we were here on stage at the Fox Theater in Atlanta doing our show in an empty auditorium because the nation had decided that with this, quote, COVID thing, everybody should stay home until it was over. You know, for a couple of weeks.

We just got the okay to do the show with an audience just this week, but fortunately we have been waiting backstage the entire time. Later on we're going to be talking to Portia Williams, one of the realest housewives of Atlanta, but first we want to hear you confess your deepest feelings to the camera, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Brett from Sanford, Maine. Hey, Brett, how are you? Where is Sanford, Maine? Sanford, Maine is very southern Maine, like one town inland from Kennebunk Fort where all the bushes hang out. Well, what do you do there in Sanford? I'm the director of the Sanford Performing Arts Center.

Oh, how very cool. We here in Atlanta are once again enjoying live audiences. Are you back to that at your Performing Arts Center? We're back, and I'm actually directing a high school production of Mamma Mia right now. Woo! Yeah. And, yeah, we're going to take it on the road to the fabulous Fox in Atlanta. There you are.

Well, I can say personally, they're a wonderful, generous audience and they have low standards. So you'll have a great time. All right, Brett, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian you can see in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, headlining the 3S Art Space on April 23rd. And in Richmond, Virginia, headlining the Sandman Comedy Club from May 19th to the 21st. Get all that? It's Hari Kondabolu. Hi, Hari.

Next, her one-woman audio play, Approval Junkie, just released exclusively on Audible this week. It's Atlanta's own Faith Saley. Hey, Frank. How you doing, Faith? And a comedian whose film Fire Island comes out June 3rd on Hulu, it's Joel Kim Booster. How's it going, Joel? So, Brett, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Chioki?

This time, Chioki Iansen is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to play? Let's do this. All right. Here is your first quote. It's not the time or place to have a crush on him, but... That was someone on TikTok talking about everybody's new crush, the beleaguered president of what country? Ukraine. Yes.

Russia's invasion of Ukraine has made an international hero of Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelensky, a former actor and comedian. He is uniting his people and bravely fighting off an invading force. We are so glad to read about it. It's great. Yes, let's hear it for the short Jewish funny guys. Yes. We were so glad to read about a comedian making news for once, and it's not Louis C.K. Now, there are issues, you should know,

with your head of state being a comedian. On the one hand, he's already used to bombing. But... Oof. Oof. Oof. They turn so fast. I know. That joke hurt me as a comedian and a citizen of the world.

I'm going to end up in the Hague for that one. Okay, all right. Have you seen him on Dancing with the Stars? He was. This is true. He was on the Ukrainian Dancing with the Stars. He won. Yes, all right. Have you seen him on Dancing with the Stars? He was. This is true. He was on the Ukrainian Dancing with the Stars. He won. Yes, he did.

He was a blind pirate dancing. He danced in a matador costume. He is everything. Could someone douse Faith with some cold water? But here's the thing. I mean, yes, he's extraordinarily admirable and commendable. Do we have to make him a sex symbol? Do we have to, like, everybody, every politician we admire,

we have to get all sexy about? Guys, guys, I really feel like it's kind of like akin to, like, a fight-or-flight response for people with trauma, you know? Like, things are going so poorly that the only thing we can do is get horny. Right. You know, like, things are going so poorly that the only thing we can do is get horny. Right. But seriously, like, remember when everybody was like a Cuomo sexual, right?

I mean, it depends on the politician. The Cuomo thing, as a New Yorker, I'm like, this is not going to end well. But, you know, I, like everyone else here, had a naughty Bernie Sanders calendar. I mean, I think that's a perfectly normal reaction. I'm not imagining Bernie being sexy. I am asking you to come up and see my etchings. All right. Here is your next quote. Go get them.

Those were the final words in a big speech by President Biden on Tuesday night, and we're happy to tell you that those words made absolutely no sense at all. We won't ask you to explain them. We'll just ask you, what was the speech? That would be the State of the Union address. It would be the State of the Union. Joe Biden delivered his first official State of the Union of his presidency on Tuesday. It was great to get back to something like normal. The State of the Union, of course, is a classic who's who and who's still alive of Washington, D.C. A lot of viewers commented that Biden seemed to sort

of rush through his speech. Well, who can blame him? All the Republicans are against vaccines now. The longer he stayed, the greater the risk of getting smallpox. I'm assuming you guys watched because you're patriotic Americans. He's the last American who had smallpox. That's true. Yeah, I don't watch the State of the Union. I do watch the response, though. Do you really?

Yeah, I love it. It's always the Union. I do watch the response, though. Do you really? Yeah, I love it. It's always like a rising star psycho, you know? Like a psycho you've never heard of before. You're like, who is this woman, and why is she amazing and crazy? But no, you always get a good bit out of it. And it always seems like a villain sort of telegraphing, sort of like giving a speech. It always feels like she's going to end by demanding a billion dollars. Exactly. Someone is hanging over a tank of sharks.

Yeah. So this was a historic speech for a couple of reasons. It was the first time in all of American history that the president has delivered his address in front of two women, vice president, speaker of the house. It was also the first time in all of history that two women have sat behind a man speaking and not rolled their eyes the whole time. I feel like I, sometimes I just, this is not what I wish for Joe Biden, you know? What do you wish? I wanted him to open up like a Cold Stone Creamery or something, you know? Like after becoming vice president. You know, he did his eight years. Like let the man enjoy ice cream.

He'd be happiest being the conductor of one of those little trains. Yes. Exactly the same vibe. You get to put on a little cap and do the choo-choo thing and drive it. I think he'd love that. All right, here is your last quote. I had forgotten how ugly some of you were. Here is your last quote.

I had forgotten how ugly some of you were. That was a man in Illinois reacting after what mandate was lifted there, among many other places. Oh, the mask mandate. Yes, mask mandates. Mask mandates are being lifted across the country in news celebrated by both Americans and COVID. Basically, we've all just decided we're done. It's been two years, we're done, it's over. The Wall Street Journal reported that people are actually excited to go to, like, conferences and work get-togethers

just because they're tired of not seeing people. It's so pathetic. Can you imagine being so desperate for human contact that you fly all the way from Chicago to Atlanta just for a work function. I think it might be dangerous because the day this week that this school told kids that they could choose whether or not to wear masks, and my son took his off, he lost a tooth immediately. It wasn't even loose that morning, and I think everything's falling apart now.

Was it stuck to the mask, so he took it off and the tooth came with it? Something like that. That's terrifying. I just want to say, I will not be removing my mask in daily life, unless, of course, nobody else is wearing a mask, because I still want to look cool. Jokey, how did Brett do on our quiz? Mamma mia. He got all three right. Congratulations, Brett.

How cool, dude. Thanks for playing. Amazing, man. Bye-bye. Thank you. Thank you. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Hari, Katonji Brown Jackson, President Biden's nominee for Supreme Court Justice, has prestigious credentials and an impeccable record, but there is one major flaw in her background that could tank her nomination.

When she was at Harvard, she did what? Um, she... It's awful. It's really? It's really bad. Like, really bad? It's sort of disqualifying. Really?

She, oh, she wore a Yale sweatshirt. No. That's not it. No. Let me give you a hint. Can I have a suggestion of a legal precedent, any precedent? She did stand-up? Oh, worse.

Worse. Improv! Yes! Ew! Oh, man! Judge Katanji Brown-Jackson was part of this improv group at Harvard. Now, you may be saying out there, what's wrong with that? And you are saying that because you are currently in an improv group.

There is no other reason you would say that. By the way, don't you feel bad for the word at in the phrase improv at Harvard, just stuck there forever between two complete dorks? I object to this whole thing so strongly. I want to point out the contrast, though. Senator Mitch McConnell, Now, I want to point out the contrast, though. Senator Mitch McConnell, clearly no background in improv techniques. For example, he's like, I need a Supreme Court justice. Merrick Garland, no.

No and. No and no to your next one. That's a yes and joke for all you improv nerds in the audience. Yeah, I don't get that joke. I was too busy having sex in college. Coming up, Dr. Spock, we are not in our Bluff for Listener Game. Call 1-888-888-888. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Chioki Ianson in for Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Joel Kim Booster, Hari Kondabolu, and Faith Saley. And here again is your host at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, a man who just called the Georgia Secretary of State to get him to change his Wordle score. It's Peter Sagal. Thank you, Jokey. Right now, it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. This is Ted Slodovich from, drumroll, Atlanta, Georgia.

Hey! Hey! And what do you do here in the beautiful city of Atlanta? I'm happily retired for just four years, and for the past year I've been a volunteer production manager for the Atlanta Philharmonic. Oh, wow. The Atlanta Philharmonic.

That's great, the Philharmonic in Atlanta. Classy. Yeah. Now, are you a musician yourself? I play, I've classically trained on saxophone, so there's not much call for that in an orchestra. And that's a damn shame. I know.

More saxophone in classical music. Come on. Make classical music sexier. Right? Well, Ted, welcome to the show. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Joki, what is Ted's topic? What I didn't expect when I was expecting.

Now, certain parental challenges you just know are coming. Diapers, tantrums of the terrible twos, the living in your basement of the terrible 42s. But this week we heard about a totally unexpected problem a parent is facing. Our panelists are going to tell you about that challenge. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You'll win our prize. The weight-waiter of your choice and your voicemail.

Ready to do this? Can't wait. All right, first let's hear from Hari Kandabulu. Jerry Robinson sits in his jail cell in upstate New York awaiting his trial for a variety of white-collar crimes. However, it's not his poor choices he obsesses over, but his three-year-old son George's photographic memory. George is one of those very rare children that can remember everything since the moment of their birth. He remembers such details as doctors urging his mom to push and his father throwing up and passing out. During the pandemic, Jerry made a lot of business calls with his baby boy in his lap, calls that George later relayed to investigators. His descriptions were verbatim, almost. For example, Daddy said embezzlement is only a crime if you get caught. Prosecutors say the kid wasn't a pushover and getting him to talk cost him three packs of Reese's peanut butter cups, but only the ones with actual Reese's pieces inside the peanut butter.

Everyone agreed he was the cutest rat they'd ever worked with. A child with photographic memory drops a dime on his embezzling father. Your next story of a child challenge comes from Faith Saley. Today's parents focus a lot on early literacy, but a surprising study in the Journal of Excessive Parenting shows that too much pressure from impatient moms and dads to turn their children into bookworms can lead kids to become overly obsessed with grammar.

We may be raising a generation of not quite grammar Nazis, but grammar Hitler youth. Take seven-year-old Gerand Goulden-Gibbs, a grammar martinet, which his parents chalk up to his freakishly advanced reading. When all the other kids were into don't let the pigeon drive the bus, we pointed Gerand toward Henry James and talked to him about semicolons, his mom Eric Golden says. Yet she confesses that she and her wife had no idea their son's name is a grammar term. We just thought Jaron sounded cool between you and I, she admits. Between you and me, mom. Jaron adds as he slaps his forehead. Gerund's parents are embarrassed they've accidentally created an impeccable grammar monster and have been trying to teach him to end his sentences with prepositions

so he'll have more kids to be friends with. Too much pressure to read could lead to grammar-obsessed kids like little Gerund. Your last story of a parenting problem comes from Joel Kim Booster. While most new parents are preoccupied with all the normal business of raising a child, potty training, diaper changing, and various other bathroom-related activities, One Georgia Mom is among the hundreds of parents who are dealing with their child's genetically uncomable hair. Lachlan Samples, a one-year-old from Atlanta, Georgia, is one of only hundreds of cases of uncomable hair syndrome ever reported. It turns out he doesn't just have the look of Phil Spector,

it's a literal genetic condition that makes the hair on young children literally uncomable. Lachlan's mother, Caitlin, describes his hair as having the look and feel of a dandelion or that one lamp from Ikea that looks like a dandelion. Caitlin first heard of uncombable hair syndrome when somebody messaged her about it on Instagram. I went into a tailspin, Caitlin said, of her initial reaction to the DM, something anyone who's ever received an unsolicited message

from a stranger on the internet can relate to. But after finding her son a specialist who could confirm the diagnosis, Caitlin was reassured. The condition is very real but is harmless and usually ends by adolescence when every other problem starts. All right, so here are your choices. Which of these is a potential challenge of child raising that, well, we hadn't heard about till this week? Was it from Hari Kandabulu, how a child could have photographic memory and thereby, you know, turn you into the feds? Or from Faith Saley, how too much pressure to read can turn your child

into a little grammar martinet? Or from Joel Kim Booster, the nightmare of uncomable hair syndrome? Which of these is the real story? I think I'm going to go with my fellow Georgian faith with the grammar obsession. So you're going to go with a faith story about a child named Gerund? Something's telling me you're trying to change my mind. Who, me?

Why would I do that? I'm strictly neutral. Okay. I will change my answer to uncombable hair syndrome. What does the audience think? Well, the audience thinks. I have no opinion that I can care to share. But the audience thinks you've made a correct choice.

So if you're going to go with that, you're going to go with that? Yes. All right. Well, we actually spoke to the parent of the child in question. I posted a photo of him to my Instagram story, and a stranger DMed me and was like, has your son been diagnosed with uncombable hair syndrome? There you go.

That was Kate Samples, the mother of, and this is his actual name, Locke Samples. That's his name, the boy with uncombable hair syndrome. Congratulations, you did get it right. You earned a point. The Joel Kim Booster, just to tell you the truth, you've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail.

Thank you so much for playing with us today. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Take care. Thanks for calling. All right. Bye-bye. I just don't want to watch on air

The thought of it makes me despair And now the game where we talk to famous people about infamous things. It's called Not My Job. There are no housewives in America realer than the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Not only the number one show in that franchise, but one of the most popular reality shows in television of that group of smart, savvy, squabbling women. There is none more popular than Portia Williams, who recently left the original show to star in her own spinoff, Portia's Family Matters. She also has a new memoir out, and we are delighted that she joins us now.

Portia Williams, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you! Thank you for having me. I'm so glad to have you. I am going to confess, I am new to the world of the Real Housewives thing. I've been in sort of a crash course. So forgive my ignorance, I'm going to ask you some questions.

So for example, is there, are we being filmed right now? You are not. We're not being filmed right now. No, you're not. And you said you were new to the reality of the world. I'm new to the real world. Oh, God. So welcome back to me, to the real world.

We can introduce each other to our various fears. Walk me into life. So, for example, in the real world, nobody takes you to a side to ask you about how you feel, how your day went, because nobody cares. Oh! Is that bad? How will I survive? I don't know.

I need you to know my every feeling at every moment. Yes. Okay. Now we're getting into it. Okay. So I'm watching the show, and it just so happened that I decided to start early with you, and you're in your divorce lawyer's office, and you are talking about your marriage, which was ending in the most intimate and raw and emotional terms,

and you're crying, and it's genuine, and I'm like, there's a camera crew right there. I mean, you know, it's like you just forget about them. It's like you're just living your life at that moment. You know, it's what you sign up for. So it's just it is what it is. Did you, did it take a little time to get used to? You know what, it did. It definitely did. You know, the first couple years, I was so nervous

in front of the cameras, I would just say anything. You know what I mean? I am told that that was part of your appeal to the audience. It really was. It was, you know, they, they know, I thought it was 265 days in the year, you know, they know all my little quirky stuff, you know, but that, those are some of the things that happen with lights, camera, action, and you're brand new. Yeah. Yeah. And, and did you, and, and was, was there ever a moment where you said to yourself, oh man, I wish they weren't filming that? Did you, or was that part of the job?

It's like you're going to do it yourself. The whole 10 years. All right. I know you get this question a lot from people like me, but like the conflict and the drama, you and the other ladies, is that real or do they sort of like encourage you to do that? It's real for me. Oh, yeah. It's real for me. I don't even know. you plan that you don't like me, I'm still feel

like you don't like me. If you tell me to my face, you don't like me. Doesn't that mean you don't like me? Well, speaking of this, hi, Portia, Joel Kim Booster, big fan, um, seen every episode of your franchise. These people, they don't know what a big deal this is for me. They're not in our world. This is like a make-a-wish situation for me. I just, first off, before I get to my question, I have to tell you, watching you over the course of the years on the show has been really, I think, one of the most fascinating arcs of any housewife. Because you came in, you started out, as Peter said, sort of say anything, a little raw, a little uncooked. And then I think the way you ended your run on the show

is so amazing with all of the work that you did a couple summers ago for civil rights. And I think it's just really amazing. But now I have the real question. Okay, what is it? Okay, so I was on Watch What Happens with Kenya several years ago. So I was on with Kenya Moore, for the uninitiated, so most of you in here.

It is one of Porsche's greatest nemesis, I would say, Kenya Moore. And I asked her the same question. Do you think you'll ever actually be able to be friends with Kenya, like real honest-to-goodness friends? I love Kenya. Oh! Why? Did Kenya say something different to you, Joel? This was a couple years ago. This was a couple years ago. That was in it. Yeah, that was, this was,

this was in it. You know what, when you're in it, you're in it. You know, on the show, we were kind of pitted against each other in a way. By people like me, by gay guys like me. And your blogs. But you know, once, once you're not in it, I mean, it's like, dang, I'm looking at her like, girl, I hope you survive this year. I hope you make it through because I knew how hard it was and I made it out. Do you think being a mother has sort of changed your perspective on that a little bit? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, well, I mean, I always was the good witch.

That's actually, I mean, you just raised something that's interesting because the shows are so much about drama and bringing everything from daily life to the highest level of importance. Let's say, you know, our show, we're in public radio. It's nice, but let's say we want to hit the big time of, you know. Oh. So how do you think, what could we do with this show? You've seen it for now 20 minutes. Uh-huh. What do you think we could do

to this show to like spice it up to get as popular as you guys are? Oh my God, all y'all need to do, because y'all were playing games before I came, right? Yeah. Okay, so the losers

just have to throw champagne in the other person's face. Seriously. That's it. That's the magic. It really is. You better go that way because the hair pull

isn't going to happen. Yeah, I skipped that way because the hair pull isn't going to happen. I skipped that one. Although I have some hair for you. I know. I don't want to take you there. I don't think I'm worthy of one of your wigs, just so you know. Well, Portia Williams, this is really fun, but we have invited

you here to play a game that this time we're calling Real Housewife Meet a Fake Housewife? Oh, this is easy. This is my 10-year career. Now, you started famously as a real housewife, so we thought we'd ask you about some fake housewives on TV. Okay. If you answer two of them correctly, you will win our prize for our listener, one of our listeners, the voice of their choice and their voicemail.

Joki, who is Portia Williams playing for? Jacob Sugar of Atlanta, Georgia, who is Portia Williams playing for? Jacob Sugar of Atlanta, Georgia, who just had his bar mitzvah. Okay, Sugar! Congratulations! Nice, mazel tov, Sugar. Alright, Portia, here's your first question. Donna Reed

invented the sitcom Housewife and the Donna Reed Show, and then in the 80s, she graciously took over for the ailing Barbara Bel Geddes to play another housewife on Dallas. Right. Now, when Ms. Bel Geddes got better and wanted to come back to her role on the show, Donna Reed did what? Did she, A, personally clean and tidy the dressing room, adding fresh doilies and potpourri?

B, did she bake Bel Geddes a welcome back to Dallas pie with a little oil rig on top that pumped out chocolate sauce? Or C, did she sue the producers to prevent that sick old lady from getting her job back? She definitely sued. Yes, you would know this. That's exactly right. That's the housewife way, yes. Yeah, that was a gimme for you.

Okay, here's your next question. Yeah, that was a gimme for you. Okay, here's your next question. Back in 1952, producers of I Love Lucy wanted to incorporate Lucille Ball's actual pregnancy into the show, but the sponsors objected. It was a different time. Until the producers agreed to do what? A, have a priest, a minister, and a rabbi approve each script for moral perfection. B, actual stork show up instead of having Lucy go to the hospital.

Or C, show the moment of the baby's conception so everybody would be sure it was Ricky's. Okay. The last one was Ricky's idea. Yes. So it's the second one. It's the second one. You think they actually had a stork.

Yes. A actual, I guess it wasn't CGI back then. Probably a stuffed stork. Yes. Come and deliver the baby. No, it was actually A. It was A. Or a triangle.

It's a triangle. I think this means A. I think they were trying to say A. It's a triangle. You gave me the wrong answer. What the heck? All right, you have one more question. If you get this right,

you win it all. On the sitcom Bewitched, this is in the 60s, Elizabeth Montgomery played both the witch housewife, Samantha, and also her mischievous cousin, Serena. According to Hollywood legend, which of these once happened? A, Montgomery negotiated a separate salary for playing Serena

because the studios didn't realize it was just her in a different costume. Oh. B, her husband hit on her while she was dressed as Serena, and instead of telling him who she was, she just went off to a motel with him. Oh. Or C, to do a scene with both characters, she dressed her left side as Samantha, her right as Serena,

and just kept spinning in place to do the dialogue. Oh, my God. So one of them is true. One of them is true. One of them is true. It might be a triangle. Yeah, I was looking for another triangle. Okay, it's definitely C.

No, it was B. B! Her husband was like, hello, good-looking, and she's like, hello, and they slipped off together. Chiyoki, how did Portia do in our quiz? Well, with only one answer right, she did not win, but she did so while being fabulous. Very well, and that's what's important. Thank you. That's what's important.

Thank you. That's what's important. Thank you. Portia Williams is a star of Real Housewives of Atlanta and the entrepreneur behind Go Naked Hair Wigs and Pampered by Portia Sheets. Portia Williams, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. What a night. Portia Williams, everybody.

In just a minute, Joki reveals a crisis that could forever change the future of our limerick game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Chioki Ianson, in for Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Joel Kim Booster, Hari Kondabolu, and Faith Saley. And here again is your host at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

He's less hot Lanza, more my Lanza, Peter Sagal. Thank you. Thank you, Chioki. In just a minute, Chioki takes you to the Andorraima de Galaxy in our Listener Limerick Challenge.

If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888- wait, wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Joel, if you have been waiting for Apple to shake things up after boring iPhone releases, well, MacRumors, that's a website that's all about, well, MacRumors,

they report Apple is working on new technology that will take the iPhone out of your hand and put it where? In your brain. Almost. In your eyes? Yes. Oh, God. Very good. Imagine all the functionality of an iPhone but in a high-tech contact lens. Also, imagine when you get dust in there

and you start rubbing and blinking and you accidentally send your mom a bunch of nudes. Where did all these pictures of mushrooms come from? Where did all these pictures of mushrooms come from? This is a terrible idea. It really is. Well, maybe there's somebody out there who can't wait to try the iPhone.

Or is it both eyes? Is it an iPhone? We don't know. Didn't we already do this with Google Glass? We did. We tried this. I mean, this is an idea so bad even Google wouldn't pursue it. Yeah. And yet now Apple is up to it.

And this is great, though, when we have this technology. Because I personally, like a lot of you, hate it when I sit down for dinner with my family and everybody is just staring at their phones. Now everybody will be just leaning back and drooling. What if at some point you think Apple, do you think at some point Apple is going to pull the, like, oh, it's not compatible with your eyeball anymore, so you're going to have to buy a new eyeball. They know what they're doing.

They really do. Hari, forget Tylenol. Next time you get a headache, according to a new study, you should try doing what instead to alleviate the discomfort? You should drink a lot of water. No. You should drink a lot of alcohol. No. You should drink a lot of alcohol. No, especially not that. Okay.

You should take antidepressants. You should breathe. No. I'll give you a hint. Okay. It's like, oh, you're head aching, migraine coming on, get out of that old yearbook and take a look at those jeggings we all had. Reminisce? Yes.

That's going to lower your headache. That's the idea. Thinking about the past will make you... Thinking about the past, specifically trying to think about happy memories, the good old days, if you will. New research shows that reminiscing can actually alleviate headache pain by 10%, which is great. Who hasn't said, oh, I wish this headache would alleviate by exactly 10%? This once again seems like one of those things that is not helpful for gay people or people of color because it's like, oh, I want to remember the

past when I was straight. That's not fun for me. Oh, I want to remember when I was the only Asian kid in my high school. That's a blast and a half. Well, I think for people like you, you can just remember last weekend.

Yeah, no, I mean, that's a struggle too for different reasons. The research subjects also reported a 30% greater likelihood of saying, huh, should I get bangs again? Faith, this week, scientists and archaeologists painstakingly recreated the world's first ever what? Oh, was this the lady T-Rex?

No, not the lady T-Rex. Okay. I'm gonna need a hint. Yet to be determined by scientists and archaeologists who used to wear them in the family. Masks carved of stone. No. Gets to wear them in the family is not a phrase you recognize? Gets to wear them in the family?

Who wears the blank? Oh, the pants? Yes, the world's oldest pair of pants. The world's oldest pair of pants. The world's oldest pair of pants was discovered on a mummified body known as Turfan Man. It was found buried in an ancient cemetery in China decades ago.

It consisted, these ancient pants, of two twill-woven leg pieces, a flexible connecting piece across the crotch, and not enough pockets. If they lasted that long, maybe they were from Forever 21. Could be. Forever 21 disintegrates

in the wind. So, Peter, I have a question. Yes, please. My question is, what did they do with the guy? Did they reconstruct him, too? Because I've got to tell you, if I was found dead and they were focused on my pants and not me, like, I want to know, like, the pants dead and they were focused on my pants and not me, like, I wanna

know, like, the pants sound cute, but what about the guy? Right. Like, what did he look like? See, that's, that's, you and I have such different expectations of how people will react to us. Because my, my experience, if that happened to me, I'd be like, oh, they like my pants. I'd be alright with it. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank,

but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can also find tickets for our upcoming IRL shows at the Harris Theatre in Chicago on April 7th and at Shea's Buffalo Theatre in Buffalo, New York on April 28th. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hello, this is Anna from Amherst, Massachusetts. Terrific. Amherst is a beautiful place. What do you do there? Oh, thanks. We're going to farm. I'm a washer manager, so I help people wash and pack spinach. You're washing the spinach to sell to Americans because Americans can't stand dirt on their food. We're city folks. Yeah, I get it. I get it.

Well, Anna, welcome to the show. Chioki Ianson is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you will be a winner. Ready to play? Yeah. Okay.

Here is your first limerick. Skipping leg day will now get a pardon. Do some yard work to make your bod harden. Grab some shears and a hose and start trimming your rows. Go spend some more time in your garden. yes. According to new research, 30 minutes a week of gardening has the same effect on your life as 30 minutes of weightlifting. Either activity improves your lifespan by about 20%, but only one involves decomposing organic matter. Well, as long as you avoid going to Planet Fitness. I guess you work at a farm. Do you find that working at your farm has the same sort of vigorous physical activity as going to Planet Fitness. I guess this is, you work at a farm. Do you find that working onto your farm has the same sort of vigorous physical activity as going to the gym?

It's way more because I work longer hours than I'd ever spend in the gym. There you go. There you go. It's true. We have it scientifically proved. All right. Here is your next limerick. As I'm taking my dog for a loop, I will sniff a good whiff when I scoop. To earn a quick buck, I'm collecting his muck. For two months, I'll be smelling his... Poop? Yes, poop. Startup Pet Food Company is offering some lucky person $6,000.

All they have to do is smell their dog's poop for two months. This is great news. Great. I've been sniffing my dog's poop for free, but that's because it's been a long pandemic and I'm desperate for stimulation. Well, Peter, you and I are new fathers. We are.

Right? So would you do this? This is in the realm of the things we've had. I've been smelling lots of poop for a year and a half. Yeah. All sorts of different types of poop. I mean, not only am I a father of a small baby, but also a double dog owner. I have two dogs.

And I smell a lot of poop. However, I feel it's important to maintain my amateur status. All right. here is your last limerick, Adam. We are landing on desperate times and resort to mere assonance crimes. The name of the games making words

sound the same, but our language has run out of... Rhymes? Rhymes, yes! We're out of rhymes. There are no more rhymes. I'm sorry. Stop rhyming. What? Apparently, 60,000 new songs are uploaded to Spotify every day, almost equaling the number of racial slurs uploaded by Joe Rogan.

So, according to the Wall Street Journal, all the rhymes have been used. They've all been used up. And rather than sound cliched, stars like Olivia Rodrigo or Dua Lipa or Philip Godica are moving away from perfect rhymes like you and true to, yeah, sure, that's close rhymes, like calm and ready for mom's spaghetti. Apparently, modern lyricists value authenticity, and they feel that perfect rhymes make a song feel forced, but I disagree. Songs are for real rhymes. If they're not strong, it sounds wrong.

I'd rather play ping pong with some ding-dong in Hong Kong than listen to a long wrong song. Oh, go on. Chilky, how did Anna do on our quiz? Oh, Anna cleaned up. She did? She got all three right. Congratulations, Anna. Thanks. She did. She got all three right. Congratulations,

Anna. Thank you so much for playing. Thank you. Take care. Now it is time for our final game. Lightning fill in the blank. Each of our players with 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Chioki, can you give us the scores at this point? Joel has two points.

Hari has two points. Faith has three points. Oh, my God. Joel has two points. Hari has two points. Faith has three points. Oh, my gosh. So, Hari and Joel are tied.

I'm going to arbitrarily pick Hari to go first. So, here we go. We were having such a good time. Why do we have to ruin it with trivia questions? Here we go, Hari. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the January 6th committee said that blank may have taken part in a criminal conspiracy to overturn the election. Donald Trump.

Right. Senate Democrats announced Monday that they plan to start the blank confirmation hearings in late March. Supreme Court. Right. This week, the Paralympics announced it would ban all competitors from blank. Russia. Right. On Tuesday, Beto O'Rourke won the Democratic gubernatorial primary in blank.

Texas. Right. On Tuesday, Beto O'Rourke won the Democratic gubernatorial primary in blank. Texas. Right. According to DNA evidence, the very hungry bear named Hank the Tank, who's been ransacking homes in California, is actually blank. Steven Seagal. No, it's actually... Although I believe that, he's fallen quite a ways. It's actually three very hungry bears that are ransacking homes.

On Friday, NASA announced that one of their abandoned rockets had collided with the far side of blank. The moon. Right. On Wednesday, a judge granted Kim Kardashian's request to drop blank from her name. West. Right. This week, a report from New Zealand was released alleging terrible infighting and conflict at the University of Otago's Center for Blank. Colonizer Studies. for blank?

Colonizer Studies. No, it is terrible infighting and conflict at the Center for Peace and Conflict Studies. According to the exhaustive report, the Center for Peace and Conflict Studies has developed, quote, a toxic and unproductive culture that is paralyzing, isolating, and divisive.

The Center is not worried about it, though. It's now at work rebranding the program as the perfect place to study conflict firsthand. Jokey, how did Hari do in our quiz? Hari got six right. Whoa. Twelve more points. He now has 14 points and the lead.

All right. Joel, you're up next. Let's go. All right, Joel, here we go. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds gave the GOP response to the blank. The State of the Union. Yes, to help lower gas prices.

The U.S. and other world powers announced they'd release 60 million barrels of blank from global reserves. Oil? Right. This week, Google announced it would require workers to blank in April. Go back to the office. Yes, after the Players Association rejected a bargaining agreement, the start of the blank season was pushed back. The MLB. Yes.

NBA All-Star Jarrett Allen says his teammates in the Cleveland Cavaliers didn't fully accept him until he blanked. Until he fouled out of a game. No, until he got an iPhone and stopped ruining their group chats with his Android phone. The organizers expected thousands of attendees. Less than 40 people showed up at the blank protest at the Capitol. The anti-vax protest.

Well, yeah, the trucker convo. I'll give it to you. This week, two neighbors in the UK are locked in a dispute because one of their dogs is named blank. After the neighbor. No, the dog is named Boner. Oh. And the dog named Boner has caused a r No, the dog is named Boner. Oh. And the dog named Boner

has caused a rift between the neighbors because one of them hates hearing the name any time the dog goes outside. Boner! If she thinks that's bad, though, just wait until the dog gets lost and there are signs all over town reading, have you seen our Boner?

Jokey, how did Joel do in our quiz? Joel got five right for ten more points. A total of twelve. So Hari still has the lead. Alright. And how many of them does Faith need to win? Faith needs six.

Six to win. Faith, six. Six to win. Faith, this is for the game. On Wednesday, the U.N. General Assembly voted on a resolution to formally condemn blank. Russia. Right. On Monday, Representative Ted Deutch became the 31st Democrat this year to announce he would not blank. Run for office. Right.

Seek re-election. This week, a New York State judge rejected the attorney general's attempt to dissolve the gun group blank. NRA. Right. According to a new study, Pfizer's blank is far less effective in children aged 5 to 12. Vaccination. COVID vaccination. Right.

This week, a right-wing presidential candidate in France was criticized after it was revealed that blank voted for her in the primary. That Marianne Le Pen? No, that her dog voted for her on Sunday. Chris Licht... Was it Le Bonheur? Le Bonheur. On Sunday, Chris Licht, the executive producer of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, was tapped to take over as president of blank...

CNN. Right. On Thursday, researchers found the first evidence of dear-to-human blank transmission. COVID. Right. A dad in France trying to keep his kids from going online accidentally blanked. Sent a mushroom picture to his mother.

No. Took out the internet for the entire town. The man had been using a signal jammer to finally get his teenagers offline, not realizing it was blocking internet and cell service for his whole town. The man faces six months in jail. Of course, upon learning what had happened, the entire town responded, Dad! Jokey, did Faith do well enough to win?

Well, she got six right for 12 more points. So with a total of 15 points, Faith is this week's champion. Thanks, woo. Woo, woo, woo. Thanks, Peter. I'm rooting for you. I'm rooting. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what will we do with all the masks now that we won't be using them anymore. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago

in association with Urgent Haircut Productions' Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godica writes our limericks. A very big welcome to our brand new tour manager, Shana Donald. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. BJ Lederman, composer of Theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Grombos, Lillian King, and Nancy Seychow.

Our production assistant is Sophie Hernandez-Simionides. Special thanks to Vinnie Thomas. Our uncut Joms is Peter Gwynn. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog. And the executive producer, wait, wait, don't tell me, is Mike Danforth.

Now, panel, what will we do with all of those masks? Joel Kim Booster. They'll be used as currency once nuclear war destroys our society as we know it. Hari Kondabolu. We'll set them all on fire because if recent history has shown us one thing,

it's that there is no chance we'll ever need to wear masks again. And Faith Saley. They will be turned into tank tops for ducks. And if we do any of those things, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Thank you, Chayoka Anson, for filling in when we needed you. Thanks also to Joel Kim Booster, Harvey Condebolo, and Faith Saley. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Fox Theater in Atlanta who were still standing barred and threw our show after two years. Thanks to everybody at WABE and GPB.

Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Fox. You were worth the wait. And thanks to all of you at home for listening. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. Thank you. This is NPR.