Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Sean Doolittle

Episode Date: December 14, 2019

Sean Doolittle, MLB relief pitcher, joins us along with panelists Paula Poundstone, Peter Grosz, and Faith Salie.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Hey everybody, this is Peter Sagal. I'm the host of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. We are now officially in the third decade of our show, which also means it's our third decade of asking you, our listeners, for your support. And without you, we cannot bring you the hard-hitting, sensitive journalism you have come to rely on from us. Paula, a classic product is getting an advisory label now. It's warning consumers against overuse. What is the product? Overuse? Overuse.

Oh, and it's a classic. Too much of this is dangerous. Uh, uh, talcum powder. No, no, it's not that. You also want to limit the amount of milk you might be dunking them into. Cookies? Yes, well, specifically Oreos. Oreos?

Well, a row isn't too many. Public radio is listener supported, which means, first, what you've heard is your fault, and second, your gift allows us to do what we do. Please donate to your station now, which supports programs like us, by giving at donate.npr.org

slash wait. And thank you. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. This message will self-destruct in five seconds. It's Mission Impossible. Bill. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you.

Great show for you today. Later on, on this stage, we'll be joined by Sean Doolittle, the star pitcher for the world champion Washington Nationals. But first, it was hard being a public radio listener this week. You turned on your radio to hear fresh air or maybe a little thistle and shamrock or maybe even a soothing pledge drive. But all you got was impeachment hearings, people shouting the same things over and over and never doing anything to change the inevitable outcome.

And you're thinking to yourself, if I wanted that, I'd just have dinner with my parents again. So today, believe it or not, we on Wait, Wait will do everything we can to avoid impeachment. But we want to know what you knew and when you knew it. So call us up and answer our questions. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. How are you doing? I'm all right. Who's this? This is, my name is Tally Kinghorn and I'm calling from New Ulm,

Texas. Your name is Tally Kinghorn? That is correct. It's like Tally as in Tally Ho? Yes, and considering I work on a horse farm, it's quite apropos. Oh, really? So you're in a Texas horse farm, and people are yelling, Tally, Tally!

And it sounds like you're going to all go on a fox hunt. So you work on a horse farm? What do you do there? I do whatever needs to be done, including shoveling a lot of you-know-what, but, you know, it's part of the job. You and I have that in common, Tally. Well, welcome to the show, Tally.

Let me introduce you to the panel this week. First up, it's a contributor to CBS Sunday Morning. It's Faith Saley. Tally Ho! Hi there. Hi. Next, it's an actor and writer who can be seen in the latest

season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. It's Peter Gross. Hi, Tally. And finally, a comedian you can see in San Francisco on New Year's Eve at the Sidney Goldstein Theater. You can hear her every week on her own podcast. Nobody listens to Paula Poundstone. It's Paula Poundstone! Hey, Tally.

So, Tally, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill? This time, of course, Bill is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail. Ready to play? I am. All right. Your first quote is a real headline about an election that happened this week. Merry Brexmas. That was London's Sun tabloid announcing whose big victory on Thursday? That would be Boris Johnson. Yes, Boris Johnson, Bojo, the lovable, toe-headed,

frumpy prime minister, sort of a combination of Benny Hill and Mussolini, has won a huge victory for his party in the UK, which means Britain will probably indeed leave the EU, which means that Scotland will probably leave the UK and maybe Northern Ireland too, and eventually Boris will achieve his dream, everybody gets their own little country the size of their house. It seems nuts to us in America that he would win so big. He's so goofy.

But that's his charm. People forgive his various lies and affairs and scandals because his hair is messy. And this is actually true. He has been seen before coming out to do a television appearance intentionally tousling up his hair. And doesn't he also... Oh, really? He makes it messy on purpose?

Yes, it gets him sympathy. It's like, oh, he disbanded parliament, but he's just cranky. He woke up from a nap. He's also quite brilliant and very well-spoken, but intentionally screws up. And I always wonder, what is it like to live in a country

where the leader is like secretly smart but acts like a complete moron yes but he's also terribly terribly racist and awful and it is amazing that he i know but he's just exactly exactly part of the reason that some analysts say that boris johnson pulled out this big victory is because the other choices were so terrible and it was all very confusing. We knew their choices were really bad when Mike Bloomberg jumped into the election. Oh my God, he has a better chance over there, I think. Hello, I am here. But you know... I'm a small Jew trying to connect with the average working man and woman.

Oh, I'm also a billionaire. Oh, I also live in a $50 million house in New York City. Hello, Iowa. What chance? You know what? There's like, you don't have a snowball's chance in hell. You don't have a Bloomberg's chance in Iowa. I just like your opener. I'm a small

Jew. I mean, that's like first line of the obituary. I know. Mike Bloomberg, small Jew died today. Started a media empire, whatever, but he was diminutive. Tally, your next quote comes from a producer of the Golden Globes. Every year, someone gets left out. That's definitely true this year when the nominations

left out whom? I'm still thinking about Boris Johnson. I know, it's hard. He gets in there, it's hard to get him out. It just turns out to be generally true. I give up. You give up? The people they left out were all the women. There were no female nominees for Best Director,

no movies nominated that had female directors. Now, the Golden Globes, if you don't know, they're considered the opening of awards season, which is just like baseball season. It's too long, it's somewhat predictable, and apparently women are not allowed to play. No movies directed by women were nominated for Best Picture. No women were nominated

for Best Director. Most glaringly, even the five Best Actress nominees were men. It's also, what's great about that is nobody votes for that.

Just so people are aware, there's an academy for the Emmys and the Oscars and the Grammys and all that and the Tonys. You're members of an academy.

You vote. You tally the votes. Someone wins. The Hollywood Foreign Press is a bunch of people who get together and are like, who do you think? Which is why Johnny Depp will get a Golden Globe, and you'll be like, Johnny Depp is still acting? And it's because they just want him to show up at their award show.

All they could have done is just had somebody look at it and make the correction. And they're actually foreign? It's nobody? It's called the Hollywood Foreign Press. It's like you're the American person who works for Le Monde or you work for Der Spiegel or something like that. So I know two foreign newspapers.

That was nice. That was impressive. I know more foreign newspapers than there are women who are nominated for the Globes. They didn't even nominate little women? No. The best picture? Greta Gerwig should have changed the title to little men.

She would have had a chance. Exactly. Tally, here is your last quote. You know what? It's better than waiting two hours in line. That was somebody explaining the new trend this Christmas of kids seeing Santa. How?

Online. Yes, exactly. They're FaceTim seeing Santa. How? Online. Yes, exactly. They're FaceTiming Santa. Nobody apparently wants to go to a mall to see Santa anymore because nobody wants to go to a mall. So more and more parents are arranging for their kids to talk to Santa via video chat.

They pay $35 to a service called Talk to Santa. To a service called We Are Ripping You Off. No, it's Talk to Santa. It's basically a webinar for your preteens. This is such a bad idea. Why? I watched some of these online, and the quality of the Santas, let's just say, is variable. Is it below where a mall Santa is?

Because that also is a bad idea. If someone was like, hey, there's a stranger. Why don't you go sit on his lap? Like, that's not a great idea either. So look, I live in New York City, and I get to take my Jewish children, half-Jewish children, to the real Santa at Macy's. And that's where Santa actually

lives. That is Santa. I live in New York City, and I don't take my Jewish child to see Santa Claus. Well, your Jewish child is missing out. Do you take him to see a candle? Yeah, but I gotta do it eight times. Honey,

honey, sit on the candle. Sit on the candle. No, it's lit. Talk to Santa, the company we've been discussing has hired 300 Santa's helpers for this Christmas season who between them wear exactly zero pairs of pants because why bother? It's, you know, it's part of the gig economy.

So they do it while they're driving for Uber. Bill, how did Tally finally do on our quiz? Tally-ho, she got two out of three, which is a win. Congratulations, Tally. Well done. Thank you so much for playing. Thanks. Tally-ho, she got two out of three, which is a win. Congratulations, Tally. Well done. Thank you so much for playing. Thanks, Tally. Thanks for having me, guys. Bye-bye. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions

about this week's news. Faith, over the years, Barbie has transformed from a plastic toy into a successful career woman. We know this. Not to be outdone, Mattel has introduced a new job for Barbie's on-again, off-again boyfriend, Ken. What is his new job? Oh, he's her stylist, probably. No. No.

Wait a minute. They're on-again, off-again? Nobody told me. I feel like they're way off. Because I talk to Ken a lot, and he never mentioned this. Yeah. No. Wait a minute. They're on again, off again? Nobody told me. I feel like they're way off. Because I talk to Ken a lot, and he never mentioned this. He's a little ashamed. Does Ken provide a service for Barbie? He provides a service.

He works in the service industry. In the service industry. Yes. Is it a modern kind of service? Oh. Does she ever have to answer the question? If this were me, I would have lost a long time ago.

Is he a CBD purveyor? No. Okay. Can you give me a hint? Do you mean a drug dealer? You're not far from it. He's exactly the height of the ventis he's serving up.

Oh, he's a barista? Yes. He is a, quote, career barista. Does a barista? Yes. He is a, quote, career barista. Does he have tattoos? Probably. Well, he's new to stores,

new to toy stores for Christmas, but career barista Ken is actually just a new addition of Mattel's former doll, liberal arts major Ken. Ken reading like a...

Ken reading Ulysses You asked about his styling He comes With faded jeans An apron A man bun And No

Yes And a spec script He'd love for you To show to your friend Who worked on Everybody Loves Raymond He's got a man bun He's got a man bun

Have they given him A penis yet? No Okay Which is weird Because They found It's weird He doesn't have any bun. Have they given him a penis yet? No. Okay. Which is weird because they found it's weird. He doesn't have any genitals and they still found a way to emasculate him. I'll tell you something. Well, maybe if he FaceTimes with Santa, he can get one.

Dear Santa, oh dear Santa. Coming up, the family that fights together fights and fights and fights. It's a sibling rivalry. Bluff the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Paula Poundstone, Faith Saley, and Peter Gross. And here again is your host at the Chaseback Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, my name is Brittany. Hey, Brittany. Where are you calling from? I'm calling from

Carrboro, North Carolina. Carrboro, that's like, that's near Chapel Hill, right? Right beside Chapel Hill. Oh, Brittany. Where are you calling from? I'm calling from Carrboro, North Carolina. Carrboro. That's near Chapel Hill, right? Right beside Chapel Hill. What do you do there? I am a child and adolescent psychiatrist. Oh, my God. You're doing the Lord's work.

You really are. Welcome to the show, Brittany. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. What is the topic, Bill? Family feud. You can't choose your family, which is why I was denied my application to be the fifth Kardashian sister.

But that's also why families fight. Our panelists are going to tell you about a family rivalry that surfaced in a surprising way this week. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You'll win the voice of your choice on your voicemail. You ready to play? I'm ready to play, sir. All right. First, let's hear from Faith Saley. Over Thanksgiving, 35-year-old twin sisters Amanda Granger and Katie Tannenbaum were talking about their holiday plans when Amanda said to Katie, who recently converted

to Judaism before marrying her husband earlier this year, it's such a shame you won't be able to decorate with anything fun now that you're Jewish. That's what Amanda said, but what Katie heard was game on. The sisters live side by side in a Gainesville, Georgia cul-de-sac, and on December 1st, Amanda laced her yard with Christmas lights and put a tree in the window. On December 2nd, Katie placed an eight-foot Star of David with blazing blue lights beside the Tannenbaum mailbox. On December 3rd, Amanda arranged a reindeer on her roof. On December 4th, a massive gold menorah appeared on top of Katie's house.

On the fifth day of Advent, Amanda strung lights on her roof that say, Jesus is the reason for the season. On the sixth, Katie's roof replied in flashing bulbs, Jesus was a little Jewish baby. The homeowners association has given up trying to control the holiday arms race and is now asking for donations from the hundreds of folks driving through the cul-de-sac every evening. Where they find the sisters at the end of their driveways, Amanda giving away gingerbread crosses, and Katie handing out steaming latkes.

An arms race between sisters in terms of their holiday decorations in Gainesville, Georgia. Your next story of brotherly non-love comes from Peter Gross. This sibling rivalry story has everything a great drama requires. Intrigue, hidden cameras, illegal behavior, laboratory testing, and of course, deer repellent. Conservation officer Mike Wells of Nuego County in western Michigan Received a claim this week of hunter harassment

Which, contrary to popular belief, is not what's happening to Hunter Biden right now It's when hunters ignore animals and go after each other Authorities haven't released the names of the men involved But the complainant, we'll call him Brother Number One Gave Officer Wells photos taken from a hidden camera of the suspect, Brother Number Two, spraying Brother Number One's hunting stand with an unknown substance. Officer Wells visited the site, took samples of the mysterious material, and bingo, it came back positive for every hunter's worst nightmare, deer repellent. So far,

this was shaping up like a gripping episode of CSI Western Michigan. Wells then confronted Brother Number Two with the evidence, and he immediately admitted to everything. However, in another exciting plot twist, brother number two was also committing the crime, an actual misdemeanor, of using bait to attract deer to his own stand. This is like the equivalent of going to a bar to meet women, but you dab on some sophisticated French cologne and you dump a bucket of Axe body spray on your friend's head. No word on whether or not this modern-day Cain and Abel have made up, but this is sure to be the most awkward Christmas they've ever had.

Two hunters in Michigan fighting with deer repellent to repel deer from each other's hunting grounds. Your last story of family fuss comes from Paula Poundstone. Twin brothers Abel and Terry Jong enjoy a shared passion for breeding and showing Yorkshire terriers. Abel often travels for his work, and when he does so, his dogs, including his budding champion Winnie, have always bunked at Uncle Terry's. Terry, who competes with his promising Elton, has raised and trained many a champion himself already, most famously, perhaps, Buttons, Zsa Zsa, and Sanova. Twins, by reputation, have enviably close relationships,

but sometimes after years of feeling interchangeable, there is also a deep-seated drive on the part of one or the other to differentiate themselves from their twin. I feel terrible about this now, says Terry, but I did for a year or so train Abel's dog, Winnie, to display some negative behaviors that I secretly commanded during the AKC National Owner Handled Series Finals in Orlando, Florida. Terry must be a hell of a trainer, says presiding AKC judge Daisy Billington, because as the dogs rounded the show circle,

I turned to get my clipboard. That Winnie must have flown 10 feet to latch onto the back of my blazer, and I had to practically twerk to get her off. Winnie is a smart dog, says Terry, in a voice with Marvel overcoming his regret. We had never had a chance to rehearse in front of a crowd, so I wasn't sure that she really would spin and poop every time I sneezed, but she sure did.

Although Terry has apologized and paid for the judge's blazer, as well as reimbursing anyone who lost their hot dog to the dog, Abel doesn't sound ready to forgive. He's not sorry. He still hasn't told me what the signal is for Winnie to fire herself like a rocket into my stomach with varying degrees of accuracy. All right.

One of the stories of a fraternal fracas was in the news this week. Was it from Faith Saley, two sisters in Georgia have an escalating competition over holiday decorations. From Peter Gross, two hunters in Michigan who resent each other. One is caught spraying deer repellent on the other's hunting stand. Or from Paula Poundstone, twin dog breeders, one who takes vengeance by training the other's dog to, well, misbehave.

Which of these is the real story of sibling rivalry we found in the news? Peter, I'm going to go with the boys and their pee. Their boys and their... Yes, their substance. Yes, I understand. Their substance, excuse me. You are, of course, a psychologist of adolescence, so I guess that makes the most sense to you. All right, well, to bring in the correct answer,

we spoke to someone involved with the real story. The brother was trying to cut the deer off, and he had sprayed a deterrent that scares deer from the area. That was Conservation Officer Michael Wells with the Michigan Department of Natural Resources. He was the one who investigated and burst wide open the case of the sprayed deer repellent. Congratulations, Brittany. You got it right.

You're in the point for Peter Gross. You've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Thank you so much for playing with us today. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Take care, Brittany. Bye-bye. Thanks.

Bye, Brittany. And now the game where we invite on our heroes and make them do something pointedly non-heroic. Sean Doolittle is a relief pitcher for the Washington Nationals, and this season he saved Game 1 of the World Series to start his team toward a seven-game victory over the Houston Astros, naturally. He has chosen to celebrate that historic win by doing something even more challenging,

talking to an NPR audience about sports. Sean Doolittle, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you very much for having me. You should have played his walk-in music. Yeah. What is your walk-in music? My walk-in music is a song by Metallica called For Whom the Bell Tolls. Nice.

Now, I'm just going to say, looking back in the season, you guys were not favorites to win the World Series early on. No, we weren't, no. And did you guys know in your heart that you actually could go all the way? Yeah, we did. There's a funny thing about playoff baseball specifically where it's so important that you take the momentum that you have and you're able to capitalize on it and make the most of it

and we caught a huge break i don't know if anybody saw in the wild card game where a ball took a really funny hop against milwaukee in the eighth inning and three runs scored for us we took the lead and from then on it kind of felt like the baseball gods, they finally might have our back. You guys seem to really like each other, which added to the appeal of your team. Is that in fact true? Yeah, it is. It really is. And it's every once in a while in baseball, you get a group of guys that comes together and you just click. Baseball, you get a group of guys that comes together and you just click. Team chemistry is one of the last things in baseball that we have yet to quantify.

We keep track of everything, but we just connected. It took a little while for us to figure things out in the beginning part of the season. We had the second worst record in the National League at the end of May. And I think it was because we genuinely liked each other that we didn't, you know, rip each other's heads off in June or July. We were able to right the ship and stay together and go all the way. And did you guys ever get as annoyed with the whole baby shark thing as the rest of the world did? Well, we had fun with it, man. We had a lot of those, we had a lot of those things throughout. What was the baby shark thing? So one of our outfielders, his name was Gerardo Parra,

he changed his intro song that played when he came up to the bat to the baby shark theme song. And it was something that he did to kind of change his luck. Sean, you may need to just sing a little for Paula right now. Yeah, I don't know the baby shark theme right now do you guys know the Baby Shark theme? you want to lead them man can you do it? can we do it?

alright Baby Shark Baby Shark Baby Shark Baby Shark and then it goes on from there it goes on and on and it was his two year old-old daughter's favorite song.

He did it to kind of change his luck. And the Nationals fans, they totally embraced it. And every time he came to bat. Did that make you feel bad about your Metallica song? Metallica should cover Baby Shark. I would love to hear that. You just said something that I'm actually very curious about. You said that he changed his walk-up song to Baby Shark to change his luck.

And I've always read that baseball players are incredibly superstitious. And is this true? Do you do things just to make sure you win? Like, you know, Wade Boggs always ate chicken and so on and so forth. Over the course of my career, I've tried to get away from that. And at times, that's almost become its own superstition. Like, I'll do the opposite just so I don't fall into making myself crazy over some superstitions. But I think, like, in the World Series, when we came back to houston for games six and seven a lot of us went back and and tried to remember or in some of our cases looked on social media to see what

clothes we wore to the ballpark really because we want don't you have uniforms we want well you don't again not a sports fan you just be patient so they have they have our uniforms because those are chosen ahead of time, Sean. Right. They have to tell us what to wear. Every night when you guys got dressed, you went, I'm wearing that. You're wearing that? What outfit are we going to wear tomorrow?

That was a whole other thing. Baseball, Ken. Our navy blue jerseys became good luck for us in the playoffs. We have several different uniform combinations. But in game six and seven, when the series went back to Houston, we all went back to make sure that we wore the same stuff to the stadium. Really?

Yeah, to try to bring ourselves luck. Because at that point, you really don't want to leave anything to chance. No. You got to pull out all the stops just in case. You don't want to be sitting there after you've lost game seven of the World Series and you're talking to one of your teammates

so Rendon, you had to change your shirt. Yeah. Yeah. Say you had broken your ankle at the sixth game and the team won. Would you have broken

your other ankle in order to get the luck for the seventh game? I mean, what kind of sacrifices were you willing the luck for the seventh game. I mean, what kind of sacrifices were you willing to make for the team? Well, you know, we probably would have seen how game seven was going. I want to ask you about your social media, because I follow you on Twitter. You're Sean, what is it, Obi-Sean? Obi-Sean Kenobi, yeah.

See, that's exactly the kind of player I thought you were. Yeah. So are you in fact a big Star Wars fan? I am a big Star Wars fan. Have you thought maybe you can get a cameo like Noah Syndergaard did in Game of Thrones? I thought about it and then you know, after the World Series the PR people are like, hey, you know

let us know if there's anything you want to do and I was like, I want to go to the premiere and like a week later, they were like, all right, how about wait, wait, don't tell me. Well, Sean Doolittle, it is a delight to talk to you, but we've invited you here to play a game we're calling... Now that's what I call a save. You save baseball games, but what does that mean?

Was the game in a well? Was it lost at sea? We're going to ask you three questions about real-world saves. Get two right and you win for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Sean Doolittle playing for? Tanya Simone from Mobile, Alabama. All right. Your first question.

After firefighters rescued a group of his piglets who were caught in a barn fire, a farmer in the U.K. did what to express his thanks to the firemen? A, wove the message, some piglets, into his spider web. B, brought the piglets to the firehouse and released them there. Or C, he sent the firefighter sausages made out of the piglets they had saved. Oh, no. I hope B. You hope B that he just released the piglets into the

firehouse that they're yours. No, it was C. No way. And he got a lot of criticism for this. Really? And the farmer said, and I quote him, this is what we do.

This is not an animal sanctuary. I mean, that's why they raise the pigs, to make them into sausages. A little bitter. All right, next question. You have two more chances here. In 2012, firefighters and first responders rushed to a building in China

where a woman was on the ledge, apparently threatening to jump, only to find out what? A, the woman was actually Tom Cruise filming a scene for Mission Impossible 5. B, she was sitting outside a neighbor's apartment so she could steal her Wi-Fi signal. Or C, the woman was just a very realistic gargoyle.

I'm going to go with B. You're right, it was B. She was just trying to steal the Wi-Fi signal. All right, last question. If you get this right, you win. Firefighters are always ready to rescue a cat in a tree, but that's not all they've been asked to rescue. One British fire crew once had to extract what from a tree?

A, a hundred cats, B, a cow, or C, a woman who insisted she was a cat I'm going to go with B again The cow? Yeah You're right Yes

The cow had fallen down an embankment and ended up in the branches of a tree at the bottom It happens It happens I It happens. I bet that cow was so embarrassed. The cow was fine, and then we presume made into hamburgers. We don't know. Oh, geez.

I know. Bill, how did Sean Doolittle do in our quiz? Two strikes out of three possibles. That means you have won the World Series. Congratulations. Congratulations. Sean Doolittle is a pitcher for the World Series. Congratulations! Sean Doolittle is a pitcher for the World Series winning Washington

Nationals and does work with the Smile Foundation. More information can be found at smyal.org. Sean Doolittle, what a pleasure to talk to you. Thank you. In just a minute, Bill tries to tempt us with the world's grossest apple in the Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us in the air.

We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Paula Poundstone, Peter Gross, and Faith Saley. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. Now, Bill took a DNA test. Turns out he's 100%

that limerick. That's the listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888- Wait, wait. That's 1-888- 924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Peter, on Monday, two lawyers presented the Democratic and Republican impeachment reports to the House Judiciary Committee.

And people noticed that the Republican lawyer, Steve Castor, brought his key essential documents in what? Like a recyclable or one of those reusable grocery bags. That's exactly right. He used a reusable grocery bag. He walked into the committee ready to defend the president from impeachment with his documents in what turned out to be a fresh market reusable grocery bag, which was great because Congress did not charge him

the extra 10 cents. It was awkward when he, like, was asked about high crimes and he pulled out a baguette. Where, we wondered, was his briefcase? It turns out

Congressman Jim Jordan was sitting on it so he could see over the desk. Briefcases are reusable, right? There are a lot of, like, single-use briefcases Take your law papers and throw this $300 leather briefcase in the garbage

Meanwhile, one of his kids is shopping and they're putting groceries into a briefcase Paula, a Christmas sweater was recalled this week After complaints over the depiction of Santa doing what? Lines. Yes, doing lines of Coke. Walmart was selling... Yeah. From Walmart.

Walmart. They were selling... It said, let it snow. That's exactly right. Yeah. Santa sitting in a chair. Yeah. Santa sitting in a chair in front of lines of Coke.

It says, let it snow. Parents were outraged. When you think about it, it totally makes sense that Santa is doing Coke. Why else would he always be like, no, I'll go down the chimney? He flies around the world in one night. You cannot do that if you're not on Coke. He needs a bump. Peter, a new study from anthropologists finds that the thing that saved early humans from extinction might have been their ability to handle what?

We were immune to fire. Early on. No. It was a big meteor that came. It was our ability to do something, specifically to handle something. Radioactive spider bites? No. I'll give you a hint.

All the orders were on the rocks in the Stone Age. Oh, we were drinking alcohol? Yes. Our ability to handle alcohol led to our survival. What?

Who says that? The theory is that because our bodies could handle, even enjoy alcohol, we could feed on things like rotting and fermented fruit

and thus survive during hard times, you see? It also explains why early humans were always walking around without pants. They were wasted. Wait, so people were eating... You gotta look at this fire, man. You gotta look at this fire.

This thing is incredible. You know how we, like, eat raw stuff? We'll have to do it Yeah We can put Just take the thing And throw it in the fire Put it in the fire

We're gonna live forever Take a barbecue Take a barbecue But it's the idea that like Because alcohol's technically poison Yes So that like We were able to

Survive But we could handle it Eat the food Get the nourishment Continue to survive Anthropologists believe So we. We could handle it. It means they eat the food, get the nourishment, continue to survive. So we could handle poison? Well, that particular poison. Yeah.

Alcohol. The anthropologists believe that alcohol played both a survival and social role all the way back to primitive man. It also explains how people could bring themselves to mate with guys with those brow-rich rotten fruit goggles. Have another berry. Yeah, honey, I'm trying to kiss you, but your brow-rich keeps... I can't get that close to your face. Yeah.

That's why people come in at an angle. Yeah. Faith, video games let you pretend to be a soldier or a cowboy, a knight, and now there's a new first-person video game which gives gamers the chance to play as whom? Presidential candidates. No.

Is it a person? It is very specifically a person. Oh. May I have a hint? Yeah, it's not a first-person shooter so much as a first-person savior. You get to be Jesus? You get to be Jesus! Wow. much as a first-person savior. You get to be Jesus? You get to be Jesus. I Am Jesus Christ is a video game in which you play the Messiah. The trailer was released this week. I mean,

it makes sense that Jesus is the hero of a video game. He invented the concept of an extra life. So to play, this is what you do. You are Jesus, and you control Jesus through all the greatest hits of the Gospels. You heal lepers. You multiply loaves and fishes. Don't screw it up and multiply the lepers. The company... Is it a Christian company? Is this done with reverence?

It is absolutely done with reverence. It clearly is marketed to people, Christians, who very much want to experience the Gospels from... Then you're like, who do you think you are? Jesus Christ? Yeah, yes, is the answer. But it is a little disarming when you start the game and Jesus appears and he goes,

it's-a me, a Jesus. Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo. Coming up, it's lightning fill-in-the-blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888- 924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website,

waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And if you want more Wait, Wait in Your Week, check out the Wait, Wait quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions while mining your personal data for

our profit and amusement. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Ashley from Nashville. Hey, Ashley from Nashville. Which kind of rhymes? Hello. Don't tell me you hadn't noticed that before. No. Well, there you go. That's because it doesn't

rhyme, Ashley. So don't feel foolish. Unless, of course, you lived in Nashley. It's one of those rare first syllable rhymes. I'm not sure that my boss Peter knows what a rhyme is. Well, welcome to the show, Ashley. Thank you. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks

with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly, and two of the limericks will be a winner. You ready to play? Yes. Here's your first limerick. When signs of decay don't appear, the doctor will never be near.

365 days he is keeping away because our apples stay crisp a whole yes at a piece of fresh delicious fruit and thought I wish this was older then the cosmic crisp might be the Apple for you it's a it's new strain of apple. It's said to be crispy and tart and can last in your fridge for up to a year. But if you want to try a year-old apple right now, just head down to the free breakfast at any Holiday Inn Express. Apples are everywhere.

Like, you can get a new apple every day. It's not like, it's an apple, don't touch it. We're only going to get another one a year from now. All right. Here, Ashley, is your next limerick. Playing video games is my plan. There's no time for a plate, pot, or pan. My Christmas meal prop is an easy pop top.

There's three courses, all packed in one... Pan? Yes, it is. Did you say can? Yes! it is. Can, yes! If you love Christmas but wish it were much sadder, now you can enjoy your holiday meal

straight from a can. Christmas meal in a can offers none of the trouble of cooking or spending time with your family and all the joy of feeding yourself as you would a dog.

I saw what it looks like out of the can. It's like a gelatinous, like, tricolored thing. It's British, of course. And it's kind of like, it's a layered thing. You've got like a layer of mashed potatoes on a layer of turkey on a layer of cranberry sauce.

But it's all ass-bicky. Yeah, and on the very bottom is a soggy Christmas card from your aunt with two dollars. All right. Here is your last limerick. That duct tape banana. bottom is a soggy Christmas card from your aunt with two dollars in it. Alright, here is your last limerick. That duct tape banana. I hate it. More than 100 grand is what I

rate it. Oh, sure it is art. So I'm playing my part. Because I was hungry. I ate it. Yes, ate it. A banana. you probably have heard this, duct taped to a wall, sold for $120,000 at the Art Basel Art Fair in Miami,

and then someone ate it. Even worse, the banana eater is a performance artist who says he would have eaten it sooner. This is true, but he just wasn't hungry. Seriously, if he wanted it to stay there, he should have made it a Red Delicious cake. Yeah, right. No one would have touched it. Bill, how did Ashley do in our quiz, he should have made it a Red Delicious cake. Yeah, right. No one would have touched it.

Bill, how did Ashley do in our quiz? 3-0. She's a big winner. Congratulations, Ashley. Yay! Thank you! Thank you! Now, on to our final game, Lightning fill-in-the-blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Paula and Peter each have three.

Faith has two. Okay. Faith, you are in third place. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill-in-the-blank. On Tuesday, Democrats in the White House reached an agreement on a trade deal that will replace blank... NAFTA. Right.

On Wednesday, Time magazine named blank their person of the year. Greta Thunberg. Right. This week, rescue workers in New Zealand continued their search for survivors of an unexpected blank that hit the island on Monday. Volcano. Right. On Thursday, CNN announced they would host the next blank in Iowa. Debate. Right. Volcano. Debate.

Carpet. Yes, she did. She married a rug named Matt. On Wednesday... Harvey Weinstein. Disgraced Hollywood producer Blank reached a tentative $25 million settlement with his accusers. Harvey Weinstein. Right. On Monday, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reported that 2019 was Alaska's blankest year on record. Hottest. Yes.

A middle school bus in Florida had to be evacuated after the driver was overwhelmed by Blank. Body spray. Yes. He ran the table. Did you know that or did you just assume that? I did know that. The bus driver was forced to pull over because the smell of Axe body spray was so powerful that he thought kids

on the bus might choke. The bus was aired out. EMTs were called in, declared everybody safe, but officials say it could have been much worse. The bus could have been exposed to what middle schoolers smell like without any body spray. So it seems like Faith did pretty well. Well, pretty well couldn't have done any better. Eight right.

Sixteen more points. Total of 18. She's in the lead. All right, we have flipped a coin, and Paula has decided to go last. That means, Peter, you're next. Fill in the blank. In a report released on Monday,

the Inspector General confirmed that the investigation into Blank's election meddling was unbiased and justified. A Russian meddling. In a report released on Monday, the inspector general confirmed that the investigation into Blank's election meddling was unbiased and justified. Russian meddling. In a report released on Monday, the IG criticized the FBI's handling of the investigation into Blank's election meddling. Russia. Yes. After two unsuccessful attempts to form a new government, Blank's parliament announced a third set of elections. Oh, Israel.

Right. On Sunday, President Trump said that North Korean leader blank was damaging their special relationship. Kim Jong-un. Right. Two Wisconsin men on their way home from a Packers game were arrested for drunk driving and starting a fist fight over blank. Over, um, who got to wear the only one

cheese hat in the car? No. Over the show, How I Met Your Mother. On Thursday, NASA announced that they had found water ice just below the surface of blank. The moon. Mars. On Monday, Paul Volcker, the former chair of the blank, passed away at 92. Chair of... Chairman of the board.

Chair of the Federal Reserve. Oh, oh, okay. Animal control officials in Las Vegas say they have no idea who's responsible for the sudden outbreak of pigeons blanking. Turning into tigers at the Siegfried and Roy show. No, the outbreak of pigeons wearing tiny cowboy hats. People started spotting birds wearing tiny red cowboy hats early last week, and officials are baffled.

No one is sure if this is a one-man operation or the work of a really bored group of haberdashers. Either way, Animal Control says they're worried about the bird's safety because if they're wearing the wrong color hat

when they walk into the pigeon saloon, there might be a gunfight. No, there's pigeons in Las Vegas? Yes. People are finding pigeons. They are so lost.

Why are they in Las Vegas? There are pigeons everywhere. In the desert. There are desert pigeons? Pigeons follow humans. Well, that's my point. There you are. Bill, how did Peter do in our quiz?

He got four right, eight more points, total of 11, and he trails faith. All right, how many, then, does Paula need to win? Eight. Fourteen. Eight to win. All right, here we go, Paula. This is for the game. Yeah. On Wednesday, the House passed a bill

authorizing the creation of a sixth branch of the military known as blank. The Space Force. Right. On Monday, a federal judge in Texas blocked the White House from using military funds to build blank. The wall.

Right. This week, the Washington Post published documents that showed U.S. officials hid indications that the war in blank was unwinnable. Afghanistan. Right. On Monday, the World war in blank was unwinnable. Afghanistan. Right. On Monday, the World Anti-Doping Agency banned blank from participating in global sports for four years.

Russia? Right. This week, a nursing home in the U.K. fulfilled a resident's bucket list when they gave her blank for Christmas. Ah, a little clip of Boris Johnson's hair. No, they gave her exactly what she requested, which was, quote, a stripper with big biceps and a large chest. No, they gave her exactly what she requested, which was, quote, a stripper with big biceps and a large chest.

On Tuesday, an appeals court upheld comedian Blank's sexual assault conviction. Uh, Bill Cosby. Yes. Best known as the puppeteer behind Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, Blank passed away at 85. This is the depressing question game. Carol Spinney. Yes. Saying she was annoyed that her husband was going out drinking all the time, a woman in the UK blanked.

She got a puppy. No, she built a bar for him in her backyard. The woman spent $23,000 converting her backyard garden to a pub complete with bench, a Space Invaders game, and a sad old man sitting alone in the corner who's been there like six in the morning. She says she hopes this will convince her husband to spend less time at the bar and more time drinking in a safer environment at home with their two kids.

Bill, did Paula do well enough to win? I should have. Well, she got six right, 12 more points. Fifteen, however, is short of Faith's 18. There it is. Congratulations, Faith. Thank you. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists,

now that Santa is using FaceTime to talk to kids, what will be the next way he embraces technology? Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks, our public address announcer is Paul Friedman,

our house manager is Gianna Capodona, our intern is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Gernbos, and Lillian King. Technical directions from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller.

Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is California Ian Chilog. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Now, panel, how will Santa embrace new technology? Faith Saley. He's going to replace elves with TaskRabbit and unpaid college interns. Peter Gross. He's going to switch to a self-driving sleigh and a Wi-Fi-enabled AI drone that brings him cookies and milk.

And Paula Founstone. He's coming out with Grand Theft Santa, where he steals everything after he gives it to him, and the second part of the game is mixed martial arts with the Grinch. Well, if Santa does any of those things, we're going to ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Faith Saley, Peter Gross, and Paula Boundstone.

Thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Peter Segel. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.