Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - The Wait Wait Anthology: Reality TV Edition

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

On this episode of The Wait Wait Anthology, we bring the drama and dive deep into the world of reality TV. From The Bachelor to The Kardashians, we leave no stone unturned and no suite un-fantasied.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From deep within the NPR archives, this is the Wait-Wait Anthology. I'm Bill Curtis. For more than two decades, Wait-Wait Don't Tell Me has been compiling a deep storehouse of knowledge, collected from over 1,000 shows. And now, to celebrate our 25th anniversary, we're opening that vault to you, our listeners. Each episode of the Wait, Wait Anthology will highlight a different topic. This week, reality TV.

From the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to the Real Housewives of Boise, Idaho. We love reality TV. But there's only one franchise that gets our final rose. The Bachelor. Alright, Randolph,

here is your last quote. Give us your grumpiest old men. Give us your goldenest girls. That was the head of Reality TV at ABC, announcing a new version of what show, but this time just for seniors? Boy, I'm going to need a hint for this one.

Well, if you get this question right, Randolph, I will give you a rose. Is it The Bachelor? It is The Bachelor, yes! The Bachelor, of course, is the very popular show in which handsome men and women are bred with each other to create a super race of beautiful, shallow people. They will have a new edition for people 65 and older. This is

not a new concept. Just picture Tuesday's Democratic debate, but with more kissing. That's what that debate was missing, honestly, this week. Zero make-out sessions, zero roses. Who would you want to see make-out on that? That's the problem. Here's my question about this

show. Since sex is such a huge part of the real Bachelor, if you sort of take away all the fake boobs and the fantasy sweets, what do you got for senior Bachelor? Who says you're taking away any of that? That's so ageist of you. Wasn't there like that outbreak of chlamydia in a nursing home a couple years ago? That's where they got the inspiration for this version.

The older contestants will have a fantasy suite. It'll just be two Barca loungers, an HDTV, and a phone on which their grandchildren call every day. I like how they haven't had a non-white bachelor or a bachelorette yet, but they're like, what else can we do? Ah, I know. 65 and up.

That seems easier. Didn't they already do this show and it was called Cocoon? Bill, how did Randolph... Enough of that. It's time to move on to the important news. Joe, your last quote comes from someone engaged to a woman named Lauren. Becca, will you marry me? So the guy who said that has become a national villain

among the people who watch what show? My wife and I watch this show every week. It's The Bachelor, it's Ari Lewendyk Jr. I love this show. Becca, if you're listening. I should explain, I guess at this point, the one or two other people in our audience who does not watch The Bachelor.

So The Bachelor is this reality show in which one good-looking man chooses a mate from 30 different women who weirdly all seem to have the same set of teeth. And this last week, during the final episode of this season, this guy Ari proposed to Becca K, not to be confused with Becca M, and dumped Lauren B, who was not to be confused with Becca M, and dumped Lauren B,

who was not to be confused with Lauren J, Lauren S, and Lauren G. They were also in the show. He dumped them earlier, right? But after being engaged to Becca K for an entire month and a half, he told her on camera that he was still in love with Lauren B. I'm sorry, am I indignant enough? Because I have no idea what I am saying. This one was wild to me.

Did you hear this? They're trying to, I don't know who it is, if it's the governor, I don't know who it is, they're trying to ban the guy now from Minnesota. They're saying you can't come here. 11,000 people have signed a petition. The guy's out. He can't come here. Right. 11,000 people have signed a petition. The guy's out.

He can't go to an estate in this country because he was on this show. This is Minnesota, the home state of the woman he jilted who was Becca, Lauren,

or somebody like that. Yes, he's out. And this is true. It's introduced as a bill in the Minnesota legislature. It hasn't been passed into law. All true.

Apparently, and I know you're dying to know what happened. Right? Between, you are, between Ari and Becca and Lauren. So he had dumped Lauren, apparently, but then he had second thoughts about her because Lauren, as she put it,

took her walls down. Right? And Becca will have her revenge by getting another wall built and making Lauren pay for it. Is it binding when you promise to marry him, or is it just... It's like, this is just for the show. We don't actually get married or anything. And I understand why they can't have a lesbian version of this show, right?

Why? It would be one episode. We'd be like, let's get married! The end. Like the first... That'd be it. The show would last 16 episode. We'd be like, let's get married! The end. That'd be it. The show would last 16 seconds. The end.

And then a lesbian bachelorette, I guess, and then they rejected each other. Would they all remain friends like gay men do? Forever, yeah. You'd have to be in touch with all however many people are on the show. I've never seen this before. How many contestants are on these? They start with 30 bachelorettes.

Yeah, you'd have to know them for the rest of your life. They'd have to come to your baby showers, like everything you've ever done again. You'd be walking down the street, they'd be following you like chicklets, you know, and they'd be decling, they'd be imprinted on you. The listeners at home should know that I'm a lesbian, right? I just realized no one can see me.

If you could see me, you wouldn't need to ask. When it comes to reality TV, one family's name rises above the rest. The Kardashians are the closest thing America has to a monarchy. But with way more money and political power. Plus,

no matter how hard he tries, King Charles just can't pull off a Balenciaga body suit. Your last quote is in response to a big article in Forbes this week. Ah, Kylie Jenner. Those days getting up at 5

a.m. to deliver the paper in the snow, saving up every nickel. That article announced to the world that Ms. Jenner is now the youngest ever what in all of history? Billionaire? Yes, you can say the youngest billionaire. Although, what's interesting is that Forbes referred to Kylie Jenner

as the world's youngest self-made billionaire. Because it's true, Jenner did it on her own without any help from anybody except her incredibly famous and wealthy family who put her on reality TV at the age of 10. How old is she now? She's 21. 21.

And how old was Zuckerberg? Zuckerberg was 23. Oh! They're both so odious. I don't know who. I don't feel bad for Zuckerberg, but also I don't feel bad for him. He's kind of a

horrible person. I mean, I don't think Kylie Jenner is odious. She actually started this company selling cosmetics starting with lip gloss, and she's actually sold a lot of lip gloss, which may or may not be important, but, you know, Zuckerberg's like, wow, do you know how much of the world I had to ruin to get my billion dollars?

Yes, overall, she you know how much of the world I had to ruin to get my billion dollars? Yes. Overall, she's done a less harmful thing for society. And actually, you know, if you think about it, previous billionaires have made their money by denuding forests and extracting oil from the earth at the expense of all of our health. So you're saying she's an innocuous billionaire. So I actually think she's my favorite billionaire. Now that I come to think about it. Good for her and her lip gloss. Well, that's when you find out that her lip gloss is made from panda tears.

And then that changes everything. We should have known. She's also very charitable. She's set up a charity to help underprivileged women have access to basic makeup. It's called the Kylie Jenner Foundation Foundation. All right, Roth. Here is your last quote. They got tired of keeping up

with themselves. That was the New York Post talking about a reality show that announced it will finally be ending after 20 seasons. What is the show? Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It's a day we thought would never come. We have finally caught up with the Kardashians.

After 20 seasons, 13 years on TV, we're going to say goodbye to all of them. Chris, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall, Karni, Clem, and Cletus. Did you guys ever watch this show? Because I never knowingly saw a minute of it. Well, I can tell you the appeal of the show. Please. It used to be before the show that when you ate and or went to the bathroom, you had nothing to look at. Oh, I remember those horrible days.

Remember, you would just sit and talk to your people. Now, this show, then it was like, what if we could fill this with people with the shiniest hair you've ever seen in your lives? And that's what the show was. I have to say, though, I want to stand up for the Kardashians a little bit. It's sort of low-hanging fruit. It's easy to talk about the show being vapid. I do think they have a lot of genuine affection for each other. I have been roped into watching many an episode of the show.

And I find them to actually be more likable than I would have expected. That being said, I think we now can close the book on what it does to a family structure to film everything that happens for 13 years, and it ain't great. Like, they are the richest disasters on planet Earth at this point from all of this attention and documentation.

Now, we will admit, we will admit that it is finally time for them to go. Everything gets a little stale after being in the air that long. Incredibly stale. Well, anyway, stay tuned for Wait, Wait's 23rd anniversary special in January. With how quickly it took over the television landscape, we had to ask, does God love reality TV? To which he answered, yes, queen. Here's guest host Mike Peska with proof.

Scott, here's your next limerick. The reality prize to be won is a marriage to God's only son. The camera tracks how we all deal with our vows. It's a show about becoming a... A nun? Nun it is! It is nun. The new Spanish show, I Wanna Be a Nun,

promises viewers an inside look at the wild antics of the convent. It's your standard reality show with a slight twist. It's a group of women competing for the attention of one man. In this case, it's not some rich, handsome bachelor. It's a group of women competing for the attention of one man. In this case, it's not some rich, handsome bachelor. It's Jesus. And if you win your prizes,

you never get to have sex again. So, are the people who, is it only one of them gets to be a nun? The church only has room for one. That doesn't seem fair.

Yeah, yeah. No, we're seriously devoted. Take the reality show part away. We want to be nuns. You cannot be a nun because you lost the reality show game. Yes. At the end of every episode, the crushing rosary ceremony. Yeah.

Well, what would be really great is if they took all the losers from The Bachelor to a convent. It would up that game some, don't you think? Yeah, it is more, it's less like a game show type game and more like, you know, keeping up with the Corinthians type. All right. Paula, a hit reality game show in Turkey gives contestants points for getting somebody to do what?

For getting people to, oh, gee, I don't know. Can you give me a hint? Sure. It's like a TV version of having a Jehovah's Witness knock on your door. For converting people? Yes, exactly right. It's like an old joke. So on this Turkish game show, penitents compete.

A priest, a rabbi, an imam, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar, walk onto a TV set, and try to convert ten atheists to their particular faith. This is true. Each of the religious leaders gets a point if they get a convert. And what happens is if they do this, if they convince whoever it is to try their religion, the person they've convinced gets a trip slash pilgrimage to their holy site. So, for example, if you go with the Muslims, you get to go to Mecca. Buddhists go to Tibet. Jews go to Boca Raton.

You know, it's supposed to be peaceful. It's going to get competitive, though. You know, the Buddhists will say, well, only we believe in reincarnation. The priest says, sure, but if you come back as a pig, only we get to eat you. Wow.

You know, I like knowing that, though, because sometimes I think we're the only stupid country. And then you hear a thing like that, and you're just like, you know what? We're not alone. That's the important thing. Finally, while we may know our Dorindas from our Dorites, our celebrity guests may not have Andy Cohen on Speedway. Well, Lamar Burton, we are so

delighted to talk to you, but we have asked you to play a game we're calling Welcome to Geordie Shore, Geordie. Now, as you may know, Geordie, which was of course the name of your character on Star Trek, is also the nickname for the people

from Newcastle, a town in the north of England. Did you know that? I did, yes. Okay, we did not know that. We found it out. And apparently Newcastle, the area, is a lot like New Jersey because MTV set their British version of the reality show Jersey Shore in a house filled with Geordies. Okay?

It's called Geordie Shore. So we're going to ask you three questions about that TV show, Jordy Shore. Answer two of them correctly, you'll win a prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is LeVar Burton playing for? Adam Page of Brooklyn, New York. All right. The cast

members of the show have become much like their American counterparts, legitimate celebrities in Britain with endorsement deals and even products to sell. Which of these was a real Geordie Shore endorsed product you could buy? Was it A, Geordie Ore, a 30-pound chunk of raw iron autographed by the cast? B, L'eau de Geordie, the world's first ever kebab-scented perfume? Or C, a soda called Cola to Newcastle?

Oh. I'm going to go with C. You're going to go with C, Cola to Newcastle? Yes. No, it was actually L'eau de Jordi. Oh. A perfume that was scented like kebabs, which apparently was their favorite thing to eat. I don't know.

You still have two more chances. Some of the cast members have gotten so famous that they've written memoirs, including star Charlotte Church. Her autobiography was called what? A, Behind the Fake Tan, B, The Diary of a Shallow Girl, or C, Me, Me, Me. Ooh. Good choices all, Charlotte.

I'm going to go with A. You're going to go with A, behind the fake tan. Yes. Hmm. I mean you have to remember these people are sort of on TV because they are narcissists. What I meant to say was see me me me. That's exactly right. Last question, if you get this right, you win. Many of the stars of Geordie Shore went on to star on other British reality shows, including which of these?

A, The Prince and the Shave, in which a member of the actual royal family switches places for a week with a commoner. B, X on the Beach, in which men and women try to strike up a romance at a sunny resort while their exes are there to try to sabotage them. Or C, The Great British Snake Off in which contestants compete to clear clogged drains.

And they said that entertainment was dead. Let's go with B. They're saying B. You want with B? It's B! Yay! That's it for this episode of the Wait, Wait Anthology. We'll see you next time. But until then, I'll be on the Vanderpump

message boards, posting about how I knew Tom and Ariana wouldn't last. Goodbye.