Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Tom Hanks At Home

Episode Date: April 18, 2020

Tom Hanks, sometime public radio host, joins us along with panelists Adam Felber, Negin Farsad, and Peter Grosz.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. You're not feeling ill, you're feeling Bill, Bill Curtis. And here is your host, here to put the play in plague, it's Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. plague. It's Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. Thanks to all you wonderful, grateful people who are not, in fact, in

this closet applauding for me. That's, of course, canned applause, played by our trusty producer, Mike. Now, this particular applause was our audience back in January of 2017 applauding for special guest host Tom Hanks.

There's really nothing like the sound of people loudly enjoying one's absence. Anyway, we have invited Mr. Hanks back. He'll be joining us later to play Not My Job, but this time, Tom, I'm not going anywhere. Of course... That wasn't a sound effect, Peter. That was my voice. I apologize. Nobody is going anywhere, so we assume you are free to give us a call and play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT or 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, my name is Grant. I'm in Atlanta, Georgia. Well, how are things in Atlanta? Oh, it's pretty quiet at the places I'm working at. I know. Why do I even bother asking? I should say, how are things inside your house, I guess? Same as everywhere. When you are allowed to leave your house, what do you do? I work security for the CDC, and I'm an Army reservist. Wait a minute. You work for the CDC? Well, I work security. I'm an Army reservist. Wait a minute. You work for the CDC? Oh, I work security. So I just, I wave at the smart people.

All right. And you wave at the smart people, and presumably they wave back. Do you think those smart people know what they're doing? You know, they seem like they're really on top of everything. Oh, good. I'm very glad to hear it. Let me introduce you, Grant, to our panel this week. First up, it's a writer, performer, and the co-host of the podcast,

Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. It's Adam Felber. Hey there. How are you doing? I'm good. Next, she's the host of the Fake the Nation podcast, and you can now stream her last film, Third Street Blackout, for free, because let's face it, you have run out of things to watch by now.

It's Nagin Farsad. Hello. Hi, ma'am. And an actor and writer who directed the new Audible original series Escape from Virtual Island featuring Paul Rudd. It's Peter Gross. Grant, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show, you may choose on your voicemail.

Are you ready to play? Yes, sir. Here is your first quote. Normal it will not be. That was California Governor Yoda Gavin Newsom talking about plans to open up what? Trying to open up the economy, open up the city. Yeah, basically everything. Whenever we do it, people say we won't be able to go back to normal right away.

For example, restaurants will open, but they'll have to stagger the table so nobody's anywhere near each other. Servers, remember, throw entrees from the left, receive flying dirty plates from the right. Crowded bistros you will not have. Wait, but my understanding is if the restaurants are going to be at half capacity, then we actually get double the food, right? That's like how it's going to work?

Yeah. Who wants to be in? That's your excuse for going in and ordering two entrees. I'm helping you guys. I'm not stress eating. I'll have a chicken parmesan and a lasagna. Thank you very much. If they really want to keep people apart in restaurants, they should just make

it awful to go there. For example, every other table is a bad first Tinder date. I feel so bad for people who are like, I just got out of a long-term relationship and I'm ready to hit the town and meet a whole bunch of new people. Stella did not get her groove back in the middle of a pandemic. No, she did not. Now, nobody really knows why President Trump is obsessed about opening up the country on May 1st, except it's May Day.

That's the thing you say when you're going down in flames. first, except it's May Day. That's the thing you say when you're going down in flames. Or maybe the president did say he had the, quote, absolute power to open the country. But the next day after he was visited by three spirits in the night, he admitted he couldn't really do that. He did create a committee to reopen the economy with such brilliant public health experts as Ivanka Trump, Mr. Ivanka Trump, Pennywise the Clown, Voldemort, and Wilbur Ross. All right, Grant, here's your next quote. Do you wear a suit and get a podium for your house? That was a lawyer worrying about how to argue a case now

that the Supreme Court will be hearing those cases how? Remotely, through video. Yes, I'll give it to you. They're going to do it over the phone. It's true, many people are discovering the wonder of phone calls. It's just like a Zoom meeting, but you don't have to put on a shirt either.

The Supreme Court had cancelled their spring session, but all these civil liberties were just piling up and somebody has to get rid of them. So they've agreed for the first time in its long history to conduct hearings by conference call. They'll still be wearing robes, but who knows what's under them. And this is also for the first time the public can listen in live.

This has never happened before. Come for the council's arguments, the justice's sharp questions, and Clarence Thomas's heavy breathing. I'm really looking forward to hearing him say nothing. I love this. I love this story so much as I totally picture one of those moments where someone's like, you want the truth? And then Ruth Bader Ginsburg is like, what?

Who's talking? You can't handle the truth. I'm sorry. You have to ID yourself. I may be able to handle the truth, but I don't know who's speaking. Every 20 minutes, you're going to have to wait while Ruth Ginsburg says, excuse me, I have to go get some more nickels. You guys, she needs to live.

We need to stop joking about how old she is. I do not. I am not comfortable with this line of questioning. This is a joke about how she's a Luddite, not that she's old. Oh, I was going with old. a joke about how she's a Luddite, not that she's old. Oh, I was going with old. Is there a reason why it's not

a video system and that it's just phone? Well, I mean, have you looked at these justices? Because like Sonia Sotomayor does not want to wash her hair. She's on a streak. She's not going to do it. And I barely did mine for you guys.

All right, Grant, here is your last quote. They're taking the town back. It's now theirs. That was a man in Wales noticing that what are now taking over our empty streets and towns? All the wild animals. Yes, all the animals, Grant. That's exactly right. Since people are being forced to stay home, the animals have come out. Goats were walking down the street and whales. Whales walking down the street and goats. At Yosemite, all the bears have come out and Yellowstone is crawling with leather daddies. That would be amazing.

Oh, my God, you guys. It turns out, like, we're like basically my old roommate, Derek, who left a bunch of dirty dishes and like bong water all over the apartment. And then when he finally moved out, the apartment was clean. Like we are that roommate. We're Derek. We're Derek. Oh, it's Derek. We're the global Derek.

There you go. There is one group of animals that are not happy. And that is, and this is true, New York City rats. They're apparently forming armies and battling each other because there's not enough garbage to eat now. Without filthy humans discarding pizza crusts and other garbage, the rats will have to start cooking for themselves. And you thought they were annoying before. Wait till the rats start talking about their sourdough starter. But if the animals really are taking over,

we don't know. None of us have been outside in three weeks. Well, we would like to welcome our new audience by replacing our Bluff the Listener game with Hump the Listener's Leg. Meanwhile, it's just dogs that hump legs, right? It's not like, oh, I saw a vulture. I hope so.

It would be very frightening if a bear were to do that. Bill, how did Grant do on our quiz? Grant did well enough to go back to the CDC and protect us, and if they discover a vaccine, Grant, please call me. Grant, thank you so much. I really appreciate you joining us, and thanks for the good work you do at the CDC, keeping those guys safe. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thanks for the good work you do at the CDC, keeping those guys safe. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

And now we turn to public service with a segment we call Wash Your Hands with Bill because singing Happy Birthday to Yourself Twice just doesn't cut it. Now, this week, Bill Curtis has brought along a friend to help him out. It is Josh Cantor, the official organist of the Boston Red Sox and Fenway Park. Welcome to Wait, Wait, Josh. Thanks for having me, Peter. So a lot of people are wondering, what does a baseball stadium organist do when there's no baseball? Do you play organ to accompany chores around the house? If there's no game to play at, I still play anyway. But what some friends advised me to do

was to just hit the go button on the live stream while I do it. And I've been doing that every day since the baseball season was supposed to have started three weeks ago. And we're raising money for local food banks in the process. So you're doing daily live stream concerts from your house? Yes. And taking requests on a live chat. What is the strangest thing that you've been asked so far to play on your organ? I mean, I do get a variety of strange things. You know, every once in a while someone will want to hear like a free jazz, you know, like

an Ornette Coleman kind of thing. Usually the strangest requests are not the ones that are, it's not the song itself, it's the story behind the song. So someone will say, I just got engaged and our song is God Only Knows by the Beach Boys. Could you play it for us? And it's like, A, it's a beautiful song. B, the very first lyric of the song is, I may not always love you. And that's what you're asking me to play to your new fiance.

But sure, I'll play it if that's what you really want. Absolutely. Well, Josh, we have asked you here, of course, to help with Bill as he helps America wash their hands. So, Bill and Josh, take it away. Here we go, Josh. And a one, and a two, and a three. Take me out to the ball game. Take me right to the sink.

Buy me some antibacterial gel. game. Take me right to the sink. Buy me some antibacterial gel. I'll follow that up with a squirt of Pirell. Then it's root, root, root with my mask on. Please don't

sit next to me. For it's one, two, three, four, five, six feet away at the new ball game. Yay! I think that was horrible. Brings you right back to Fenway, doesn't it, Josh? Play nothing! I think that was horrible.

Brings you right back to Fenway, doesn't it, Josh? Play nothing! Josh Cantor is the organist at Fenway Park and for the Boston Red Sox, and he is doing a free organ concert every day. Josh, how do people find that? Seventh Inning Stretch 2020 on Facebook. Josh, thank you so much. All right, thanks, everybody.

And of course, thank you so much. All right. Thanks, everybody. And of course, thank you, Bill. Coming up, hear about parenting styles of the rich and famous in our Bluff the Listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Support for this podcast and the following message comes from Kohler. Attaching directly to your toilet using basic household tools, a Kohler bidet seat offers adjustable features ranging from warm water cleansing and warm air dryer to a heated seat. You'll also enjoy automatic air freshening and ambient nighttime light. Kohler invites you to visit kohler.com slash bidet. Enter Kohler 30 at checkout to save 30% on in-stock bidet seats. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Peter Gross, Nagin Farsad, and Adam Feldber. And here again is your host, from deep in his bean cellar, Peter Segal.

Thank you, Bill. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is David Kraft from St. Paul, Minnesota. St. Paul is one of my very favorite places. What do you do there?

I work with middle schoolers who qualify for special ed services. Oh, you are a St. Doubly so, sir, because just teaching middle school to me is an amazing act of service. How are you spending your time since classes are canceled? Well, we do distance learning, but they're also sending some people to man daycare for kids whose parents work in health care and i'm also still able to donate blood i'm uh i try to donate every week or so you know i i've never said this to a listener in 22 years but sir you are too good for this show you should be calling into something classy that rewards your level of service are you like also fighting fires and stuff david it is very nice to have you with us you're going to play our game in which you must try to That rewards your level of service. Are you like also fighting fires and stuff? That's terrible.

David, it is very nice to have you with us. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. What's the topic, Bill? Celebrity parents. They're just like us. Sure, it seems like celebrity parents have it all figured out. Alec Baldwin, Joan Crawford, Bill Cosby. But famous moms and dads, they can make mistakes too. Our panelists are going to tell you about a celebrity parenting error. Pick the one who's telling the truth and

you'll win our prize, the weight waiter of your choice and your voicemail. You ready to play, David? I am. All right. First, let's hear from Adam Felber. First graders enrolled in Brooklyn's Cavendish School were treated to an unexpected visitor in their virtual Zoom classroom this week when one of the students' dads accidentally showed up in the background and commenced an exercise routine in his underwear. As a special bonus, that dad was beloved actor Paul Giamatti. Yes, things went sideways for seven-year-old Ashley Giamatti when, unbeknownst to her, her famous dad spread out a mat in the clearly visible next room and began stretching,

clad only in a pair of boxer shorts and an undershirt. Soon children were laughing and parents were flocking into view to see what one onlooker described as a bizarre routine that seemed to be part yoga, part tai chi, and part modern dance. By the end, said one Cavendish mom, there were a series of deep bends and gyrations better suited for an exotic dance floor, certainly not for a first grade classroom. It was around this time that young Ashley turned around, gasped in horror and shouted, Dad, we can all see you. Giamatti has already apologized to his fellow parents, citing the difficulties of family sheltering in place. Embarrassed, he said, please, guys, I was in Big Mama's house. But Ashley,

she may need therapy. Paul Giamatti doing exercises in his underwear behind his very embarrassed daughter during a Zoom class. Your next story of a mommy mistake comes from Nagin Farsad. Kelly Clarkson is a fun mom. She sings, obviously, but she celebrates every occasion with the kind of gusto you would expect from the From Justin to Kelly star. And her kid, River, losing his first tooth was no exception. The night that River's first tooth fell, he dutifully put it under his pillow and drifted to sleep. Clarkson brought in makeup and costume artists to make her into the Tooth Fairy's magical assistant, complete with a frilly gown, wings, glitter, and an impressive wand.

She hired a prop master to beam glowing purple light on his bed and set up a rig that enabled Clarkson to literally float into River's bedroom. She gently wakes her kid up to tell him the Tooth Fairy is about to arrive, which he decided to do randomly in a British accent. Hello, little boy. River woke up totally confused

and punches his mother in the face. She falls back and screams in a perfect C-sharp, of course. Her wings get caught on the rig, which topples onto a lamp, causing a small fire. In the meantime, the kid is crying wildly, runs into the kitchen and dials 911, telling them that a lady with wings is trying to steal me and set fire to our house police arrived to find a frazzled kelly clarkson was soot on her face in burnt assistant tooth fairy regalia a frightened makeup

person costume designer and prop master and a six-year-old kid in hysterics. Of course, Bel Air police are used to breaking up celebrity parties. As one cop put it, you wouldn't believe the costume fetish celebs have, but there's usually a lot of drugs and sometimes an exotic animal. Clarkson explained what happened, thanked the cops, and smiled. That's when everyone noticed Kelly Clarkson is missing a tooth because her son had punched it out of her face. Notice Kelly Clarkson is missing a tooth because her son had punched it out of her face. Kelly Clarkson goes a little bit too far in acting out the role of the tooth fairy for her son.

And your last story of a problematic parent comes from Peter Gross. Comedian Amy Schumer and her husband Chris Fisher are the proud parents of a beautiful 11-month-old baby boy named Gene David Fisher. But that wasn't always the little guy's name. Schumer revealed on her podcast this week that she changed her son's name after a friend pointed out that the original name, the name they put on his birth certificate last May, might have earned the boy considerable scorn as he reached adolescence. Little Gene's original middle name, Attell, after comedian and friend Dave Attell, meant that his first two names would be Gene Attell, which sounds more than a little bit like the word genital. Maybe not that much to you, sophisticated NPR listener, but to the merciless sixth grade boys in Little Gene's future,

it would have been a veritable goldmine, a teasing perfect storm on par with being the classmate of a kid named Mike Roch or maya butts or anita weiner schumer weighed many options after realizing her oversight including changing the boy's name to the baby formerly known as gene attell but then realized she could just change his middle name to david so that was that while this was the first recorded celebrity baby name change many celebrities of course alter their own birth names before becoming famous. Cary Grant was born Archibald Leach. Mel Brooks was born Melvin Kaminsky.

Queen Latifah was born Princess Latifah. Benedict Cumberbatch was born Benzedrine Cumberbund. And rapper DaBaby was actually born DaBaby and just forgot to change his name to DaGrownUp. All right. Here, David, are your choices. From Adam Felber, was it Paul Giamatti broadcasting his exercise routine in his underwear to his daughter's entire class via video link? From Nagin Farsad, Kelly Clarkson trying to do a wonderful thing for her son when he lost

a tooth and instead losing a tooth herself? Or from Peter Gross, Amy Schumer and her husband realizing that the name they gave their beloved first child sounds a little bit too much like the word genitalia. Which of these was the real story of a celebrity parenting mistake? They all sound pretty unbelievable, but I think I'm going to have to go with Jean Attell. Jean Attell, the former name of Amy Schumer's baby. Well, to find out the correct answer, well, please listen to this. It was Jean Attell Fisher, but we realized that we by accident named our son Genital. That was Amy Schumer.

She was talking in her own podcast. Three girls, one Keith. Congratulations, David. You got it right. You've earned a point for Peter Gross. You've won our prize. And Amy Schumer has now renamed her baby after you. David, thank you so much for playing.

And thank you for every single thing that you do. They're all important and amazing. Thank you so much. Thanks. Bye. Bye-bye. I can hear you calling. I can hear you call my name.

And now the game where we ask people who've done remarkable things to do just one more. Tom Hanks has had an amazing career with his many blockbuster films, best-selling books, two Oscars, and of course, I think, the pinnacle of his career, hosting this show once. Well, we heard he just got over a bad cold. We thought it'd be time to invite him back. Tom Hanks, welcome back to Wait, Wait. It's good to be back, the source of the finest reviews of my career. Well, actually, this is the first time you've been on the show since you did that, about three years ago.

And did, in fact, people reach out to you? Because they reached out to me and they basically said, Peter, when are you leaving again? We all have those things in our checkered careers, don't we? Go on Netflix and look for Bonfire of the Vanities and you'll know how I'm feeling. I have to ask on behalf of, I think, a concerned globe. How are you feeling, Tom Hanks? We are just fine, Dandy. We had all of the flu-like

symptoms. My wife, Rita, was a little worse off than me. She had a very high temperature, and we were isolated so that we would not give it to anyone else. Right. Now that you've had it, aren't you supposedly immune? You're superheroes. You can walk amongst us and be immune, or is that just nonsense? Well, a lot of the question is, is what now? What do we do now? Is there something we can do? And in fact, we just found out that we do carry the antibodies. Wait, so can we harvest your body? Can we harvest your blood? Have you been approached? We've not only been approached, we have said, do you want our blood? Can we give plasma? And in fact, we will be giving it now to the places that

hope to work on what I would like to call the Hank scene. Yeah. Oh, please. There could be no better ending to this international catastrophe than if the cure turns out to be the blood of Tom

Hank. Would that not be? Because you've always thought it would do us some good somehow. I'm not trying to hog it with a copyright or, you know, I'm not going to the patent office. You thought he was Jimmy Stewart, but he's also Jonas Soule. Tom, let me ask you the obvious Hollywood

question. If there is a sequel, would you consider being in COVID-20? Yes, I would. I would answer all the questions left unanswered by COVID-19. By the way, how many franchises do you have to go on that long? The James Bond thing,

Fast and the Furious, and the COVID series. Can I say for all of America, can there just be one of these? Please. We love you, Tom. I do not want to see the second one of these.

You hosted Saturday Night Live. You sort of ushered that show back into production in the middle of all this. And a question arose that I have seen coursing through social media, and I can pose it to you now. Tom Hanks, was that your real kitchen? No, that was my abandoned office that is 10 minutes away from my home. Can I ask you, what do you have against your own kitchen that you went into that other kitchen? What you're seeing down there truly is my taste in decoration, not my wife's taste. Yes, it is me, baby.

That is my big masculine man cave. And you should have been able to tell by the fabulous one button only cappuccino espresso maker that was back over my left hand shoulder. Dark mahogany cabinets, sort of a red that is my crib and i am i am proud of it what was funny was so many people are like that is no way that is like an a-list movie stars kitchen so could you for the just for the benefit of those people lie to america about what your real kitchen is like my real kitchen i assume it looks like the dining hall in Hogwarts. No, no. It's the Ratatouille kitchen with all those like stoves and black and gold. Do you know, have you seen Downton Abbey?

All those people that work downstairs making bread and stuff like that. You have Mrs. Patmore. I'm not sure what their names are. I don't know how long they've been working for us, but they are really busy down there. And if I had done SNL over their shoulders, it wouldn't have had the same impact. What is your life like during lockdown? Are you doing the same as the rest of us, just in your house, reading books, spending your time, taking a Zoom meeting? I find that something different has happened about every 20 minutes. I've done the Marie Kondo-izing of much of my life, I must say.

I found this microphone. That's one thing. I didn't even realize I had this microphone somewhere. Lucky us. It was in the original box, so I pulled it out. But I got to say, if I win one hand of solitaire, I immediately try to see if I can get two in a row. So I'm busy. I am

very, very, very busy. Yeah. Well, Tom Hanks, it is such a pleasure to talk to you every single time we get to do it, but there are rules. So this time, we have asked you here to play a game we're calling It's a Terrible Day in the Neighborhood. Your most recent film

to come out was A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. You played Mr. Rogers, the nicest neighbor ever, so we thought we'd ask you about some of the worst neighbors ever. Answer two out of three correctly and you will win a prize for one of our listeners. The voice of anyone they may choose in their voicemail. Well, I was actually

hoping the prize would be they get to substitute host. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Once again. Just because you won that once doesn't mean we let everybody do it. Bill, who is Tom Hanks playing for today? Diana Combs-Sellman of Fort Worth, Texas.

Let's do this, Diana. You've been on both sides. Here we go. You might be excited if your neighbor won the lottery, but not the neighbors of a British man who won 10 million pounds in 2003 and then did what with the money? Was it A, he bought the house next door and created Britain's first rat sanctuary and petting zoo? B, he added an additional 15 stories onto his house, or C, turned his yard into a demolition derby racetrack?

I'm going to go with the 15 stories. Did he block everybody's view with his money? No, he didn't. He actually turned it into a demolition derby racetrack. You know, there's a lot of things a person could do with 10 million pounds. That's about the most sensible thing you could possibly do. I think so. Mash up some cars. Make a note, Tom, for when the quarantine is over.

Anyway, when neighbors complained, he launched fireworks and flares over their houses. That's somebody who knew how to live. Alright, you still have two more chances. Alright, I'll take a little longer on this because I know you need to pad this show out so much. I've been listening in and I think there's a lot of cuttable material. Alright.

A concerned mother in Northern California called Animal Control on her neighbor in 2015 after she noticed what? A, that the neighbor's parrot was teaching her kids how to swear. B, that the neighbor's cat really seemed not to enjoy being dressed up every day with a hat for a kitty tea party. Or C, that her neighbor's dog really seemed to look and act like a person in a dog suit. These are far too possible, each one of them. Parrot, cat, or dog.

Yes, those are the three pets. You've heard the story of the parrot who did swear far too much and insulted its owner until, in anger, the owner grabbed the parrot and shoved it into his freezer above his refrigerator and then when after leaving in there for a few minutes he opened the door and the parrot was very contrite and said i want to apologize my my language was uh i should not have used it it was was rude of me. And I hope you can forgive me. And then the parrot said, and by the way, just what did the chicken do? In honor of that

joke, I'm going to, I'm going to vote for the foul mouthed parrot. You're exactly right. That's the one. The neighbor claimed that the parrot was shouting obscenities in Spanish. The parrot's owner said the parrot doesn't even know Spanish. Okay. All right. This is for the win now. Here is your last question. Once upon a time, a man named Bob kept complaining to his neighbor about the condition of his ugly unpainted wooden fence. What did the neighbor do? Was it A, he tore down the fence so his neighbor, Bob, could enjoy him and his 70 year old wife practice nudism? B, he got some paint and he just painted the words, look, Bob, I've painted my fence on the ugly old wood. Or C, he tore down the fence and put up five concrete highway barriers. Who would complain about 70 year old nudists? I don't, I see some, I see some hands here on the zoom conference. Yes.

I'll go with the, Hey Bob, I painted my fence. That's exactly right. That sounds like what he did. It's very, it's been huge five foot high letters across the 40 foot long fence. Hey Bob, I painted my fence. And that's a bad neighbor. I think that's, I think that's kind of an excuse. I think it's pretty clever. He's been immortalized. Bill, how did Tom Hanks do on our quiz? Tom pulled out a win, and we're going to give him a free cup of his favorite drink at Wait, Wait, a cup of Postum.

Ooh. Tom Hanks is an award-winning actor and substitute public radio host. Tom Hanks, we are so thrilled that you deigned to stop by and talk to us. Thanks for having me back, guys. Thank you very much. Always a great pleasure. Take care, everybody. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. I'm leaving the Zoom meeting now. In just a minute, Bill tells you how to be the star of your next Zoom meeting. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR sponsor BetterHelp, the online counseling service dedicated to connecting you with a licensed counselor to help you overcome whatever stands in the way of your happiness. Fill out a questionnaire and get matched with a professional tailored to your needs.

And if you aren't satisfied with your counselor, you can request a new one at any time free of charge. Visit BetterHelp.com slash wait to get 10% off your first month. Get the help you deserve with BetterHelp. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Nagin Farsad, Peter Gross, and Adam Felber. And here again is your host, awaiting his invitation to join the Council to Reopen America,

Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill wins his Rhyme Time Emmy in our Listener Limerick Challenge game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now it is time,

panelists, for a game we like to call The Viral Load. Sometimes it is hard to get you to coronavirus news as fast as you may need it because each story must be personally signed by Donald Trump himself. But we're going to try and throw some questions at you rapid fire, true-false style.

Get yours right, you get a point. Ready to play? Sure. All right, here we go. Peter's up first. Peter, true or false, an Australian doctor says coronavirus may be spreading through farts. Oh, God. I'm going to say true just for the hell of it. Yes, it's true. Nagin, true or false, a UK man driving at the speed of three miles an hour told police he was staying extra safe to avoid hospitals during the coronavirus crisis. False.

It is false. The man was caught going 130 miles per hour, and he told police he was speeding because, quote, I thought the faster I went, the less chance I would catch coronavirus. Peter, true or false? A girlfriend fighting with her boyfriend about their hidden stash of beans told him she would never, quote, jeopardize their love. True. No, false. She said she would never, quote, jeopardize the beans. Nagin, true or false, a man caught with $71,000 worth of cocaine in his car told police it was okay because as a drug dealer, he is an essential worker. True. Yes, Adam, true or false.

In a classic Florida man story, a Tallahassee resident told a reporter pro-wrestling should be declared an essential business. True. That is true, and the Tallahassee resident was the governor of Florida. I can't believe that he did that. I can't believe he did that. Peter, true or false, after a number of incidents, Maryland police told residents they must wear masks when they walk out to their mailbox. False.

It's some other funny thing. False. After numerous incidents, they told them they must wear pants when they walk out to their mailbox. I knew it. Nagin, after people criticized his first and second task forces to open the country, the president just named every Republican senator to be on the third one. False. Yes, it's false. He named

every Republican senator except Mitt Romney. Adam, true or false, social media data finds a sharp uptick in the number of family photos taken during the coronavirus. True. No, it's false. They found a 384% increase in the number of nude photos being taken. I don't understand the thinking behind that.

Oh, I'm stuck in the house. I got nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Can't see anybody. I know. Lower the pants. Take a picture. Send it to people.

No, especially not with all the weight we've all gained. I know. Bloated genitals. Why? You know what the bummer is? I had tickets to see that band, Bloated Genitals, the night that they showed up. They're the best. That's such a good band.

That's a bummer. Bloated Jean Attell? Why? Bloated Jean Attell. Now, Peter, we have a new game for you, one we're calling, What is Martha Stewart Up To? So, Peter, what was Martha Stewart up to this week? A, recycling wine bottles into musical instruments. B, spreading 5G coronavirus conspiracy theories.

Or C, getting super drunk and posting comments on the Instagram of a chicken farm. You know what? I'll go with the last one about the chicken farm. You're right. She got really drunk. Martha Stewart got really drunk and trolled a chicken farm in Texas. The best little hen house in Texas, cute name, put up an Instagram post about the arrival of two new chicks and Martha Stewart, the doyen of domesticity herself, posted, and I shall try to quote, M is me sure you feed and water them daily and keep the heat. This is no BK in a Sunday when you can finally come back to NYC who's going to care for them.

People responded to that post with variations on, are you okay? And Martha Stewart said, quote, what a mess I have been drinking. You know what? When Martha Stewart these days, when she says I have been drinking, I think it. I have been drinking. You know what? When Martha Stewart, these days, when she says, I have been drinking, I think it means I have been getting high. That's probably true. It's either that or the pruno that she learned how to make in the toilet bowl in prison. One or the other.

And that's the end of this round of... What is Martha Stewart up to? Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website. That's waitwait.npr.org. And if you want more Wait, Wait in Your Week, check out the Wait, Wait quiz for your smart speaker.

It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home. Thank you, smart speaker. You're my only friend. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi. Hi, who's this? This is Rachel Bannett calling from Wyoming. Hey, where in Wyoming? Cheyenne, Wyoming. Oh, I'm so lucky. I know where Cheyenne

is. That's great. What do you do there? I just moved here a couple of days ago because I start as a new doctor in the end of June. I finished med school a couple of months ago. Wait a minute. You, in the middle of a pandemic, finished medical school, moved halfway across the country to Cheyenne, Wyoming to start your career as a doctor. Yeah. Are you sure that you are not the protagonist in a Lifetime TV movie? Maybe later. Well, Rachel, welcome to our show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play? Yeah.

All right. Here is your first limerick. At a mammoth my club I will swing. Now I'm weaving its hair to a thing. I am twisting the strands with my big clumsy hands. I am making a big ball of... String. Yes, string.

Scientists in France have found a 50,000-year-old piece of string. This finding shows an important evolutionary step, as it's well known that the invention of string led directly to the invention of the junk drawer. The early twine was made out of bark and shows either that Neanderthals were observing their environment to develop complex tools or that their kid

had to make a mobile for art class. Why me tie this to my finger? Oh yes, remind myself to invent wheel. Oh, what wheel again? I should have tried second piece of string. Now I have to make second piece string. All right.

Here is your next limerick. Antarctic is climate the poorest. It's a nightmare for farmers and florists. But once it was good with deep thickets of wood. The Antarctic was once a rain... Forest. Yes, a rainforest. Researchers analyzing sediment from Antarctica believe the region may have once been a rainforest

after finding well-preserved samples of root systems and pollen and the ruins of a prehistoric rainforest cafe. Of course, an Antarctic rainforest would be different from a tropical rainforest. samples of root systems and pollen, and the ruins of a prehistoric rainforest cafe. Of course, an Antarctic rainforest would be different from a tropical rainforest. For instance, the hallucinogenic frogs in the Antarctic were dangerous because if you licked them, your tongue got stuck to them. Researchers believe that 90 million years ago, temperatures in Antarctica were much warmer than they are, or were. Turns out that below the fossils of the woolly mammoths, there must be fossils of breathable linen

mammoths. Made of string! Yes, if there really was a rainforest in prehistoric times, it does raise the possibility that Neanderthals may have invented strings so they could invent zipline tours. Rachel, here is your last limerick. Online meetings are cold

and remote, so let's add some sweet bleats from warm throats. I don't see no harm to zoom in with a farm, so be quiet and unmute the... Goat! Yes! Very good, Rachel! If you want to one-up your co-worker's dumb cat, you can pay $65 for a goat to join your Zoom call. A California farm is offering to bring the petting zoo to your Zoom. They're calling it Goat 2 Meeting.

Get it? And it's a virtual conference with a farm animal of your choice. Sure, a pony might be distracting, but really no more distracting than Terry's dumb background of Wrigley Field. So, good news animals, we're finally treating you as equals, and now you have to attend meetings. After the initial blush of, like, intrigue that the goat may provide, what is the, you know, it's not like the goat is going to be, you know, presenting a TPS report or whatever. I could see some tech CEO going like, no, no, hold on a second here. I think the goat's on to something. I've been microdosing ever since this whole thing started.

I'd like to talk to the goat. I've been macrodosing. Look, another goat. You're all goats Bill how did Rachel do in our quiz? what a great way to start a new job Rachel with a perfect score congratulations Rachel and thank you so much for calling

to play and good luck in your new career and good luck in your new home as well thank you it's my pleasure And good luck in your new career and good luck in your new home as well. Thank you. It's my pleasure. Thank you. Support for this podcast and the following message comes from Wyzant, your go-to resource for filling the gaps in remote learning.

If starting your own homeschool is stressing you out, turn it over to a pro. Tutors on Wyzant have years of expertise across all grades and subjects and can develop personalized lessons and schedules for your family. Book an online lesson today at wyzant.com. Your first hour is covered by Wyzant's Good Fit Guarantee. Love it or it's free. That's wyzant.com. Now on to our final game, lightning fill in the blank.

Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Adam has five, Nagin has five, and Peter has six. Okay, Nagin and Adam, you are tied. Nagin, let's have you go first. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, President Trump threatened to blank so he could make recess appointments without Senate approval. Go into recess? I'm going to give it to you. He threatened to adjourn Congress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On Monday, the White House asked Congress to extend data collection deadlines for the 2020 blank.

Census. Yes. This week, Governor Cuomo ordered New Yorkers to blank when social distancing wasn't possible. Wear a mask. Right. According to a nonpartisan report, coronavirus relief packages will mostly benefit blanks. Trump's family. In the end, millionaires, but you know, you're close.

This week, Nevada announced it may offer unemployment benefits to professional blanks. Um, comedians. Professional gamblers. Oh, dream on, Nagin. On Tuesday, online giant blank fired two employees who were critical of warehouse working conditions. Amazon. Right.

On Wednesday, streaming video service Blank's stock hit a record high. Netflix. Yes. Baseball returned to Taiwan this week when the Rakuten Monkeys played a game in front of an excited crowd of blank. Trees. No, they played in front of an excited crowd of blank. Trees. No, they played in front of a crowd

of cardboard cutouts. The cutouts were all dressed in support of the Rakuten Monkeys baseball team with jerseys, t-shirts, and hats and to make sure

everybody knew that the virus was still a concern. All of them also had face masks on. The players said it felt amazing to play in front

of a crowd again even though the game did get off to a late start. It was probably a mistake to let one of the cardboard fans throw out the first pitch. All right. So, Bill, how did Nagin do in our quiz? Really well. She got five right, ten more points, total of 15, and the lead.

All right. Okay, Adam, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, President Trump announced he was suspending U.S. funding of the blank. World Health Organization. Right. On Sunday, British Prime Minister Blank was discharged from the hospital. Boris Johnson. Right. This week, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Barack Obama endorsed blank for president.

Joe Biden. Right. On Tuesday, a new IMF report warned that the economy was headed towards the greatest downturn since the blank. Great Depression. Right. This week, the governor of Nairobi said he would be including blank in aid packages offered to residents there. Porn. No, bottles of Hennessy Cognac. After being left out of the congressional relief package, the blank warned it would be out of money by September. Postal Service. Yes. On Monday, longtime Jeopardy host Blank announced he was working on a memoir.

Alex Trebek. Right, a woman in England who wanted to give herself an at-home spray tan accidentally blanked. Oh, she tanned the word Adidas on her leg. That's exactly right, Adam. The woman was just looking for ways to pass the time during lockdown. She applied the tanning lotion and then immediately put on a pair of leggings, as you do. But when the fake tan had set, she discovered that she had a giant tan line on her leg that spelled out the word adidas the woman says she's embarrassed but thankful she didn't put on the leggings that say juicy on the butt bill how did adam do in our quiz well adam had seven

right for 14 points he now has 19 points and the lead. Great. So that means how many does Peter need to win? He needs seven. All right, Peter, this is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, the White House announced that its rescue loan program for blanks was out of money. Small businesses.

Right. On Sunday, Saudi Arabia, Russia, and the U.S. agreed to cut blank production by 9 million barrels per day. Pickles! No, oil. Right, on Wednesday, a judge canceled the permit for the blank pipeline. Keystone. Yes, Keystone XL. On Monday, the liberal challenger for a state Supreme Court seat in blank was declared the winner of the election. Ha, Wisconsin.

Yes, saying it's their contribution to the fight against coronavirus a couple in Michigan blanked. Wisconsin. Yes, saying it's their contribution to the fight against coronavirus a couple in Michigan blanked. They made hand sanitizer out of the moonshine in their shed. They named their baby Sanitizer. On Wednesday, Apple unveiled the newest version of the blank. iPhone? Yes, on Tuesday, Hank Steinbrenner, one of the owners of the New York Blanks, passed away at the age of 63.

The New York Yankees. Yes. This week, a man in Michigan who thought he'd lost his false teeth was relieved when he found them in blank. His dog's mouth. Exactly right, Peter. What? Really? You're kidding me. You guessed that?

I did not know that. You got it right. I was going to say his wife's mouth. No, but then you switched. You're right. There's video of it, isn't there? Yes. The man set his teeth down on his kitchen table. When he returned, they were gone.

He was nervous he'd lost them until his dog wandered to the room with a huge grin on its face. Shockingly, the little Yorkie had managed to get the teeth perfectly aligned, leaving him with a pearly white smile and a massive overbite. Oh, my God. All right. So I have to look up. That was amazing. Bill, did Peter do well enough to win? He did fantastic. He had seven right for 14 more points, with a total of 20. He is our winner.

Congratulations, Peter. Yay. That was well deserved. And you did it with the doggy denture. That's what puts you over the top. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what will be the first thing they themselves do once their city is open for business. But first, let me tell you that. Wait, wait, don't tell me. As a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago, in association with Urgent Haircut Productions,

Doug Outdoor Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godica writes our limericks, our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornboss, and Lillian King.

Peter Gwynn wants to know, Witherspoon. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Quickchange. Chilag, the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mr. Michael Danforth. Now, panel, what will you do once America finally reopens? Adam Felber.

Peter, I'm going to return to my hobby that I had before this all started. I'm going to be going back to traveling the world, making out with bats. Nagin Farsad. I mean, I'm clearly going to go to the club And I'll be twerking and doing lines of blow off of Peter Sagal's chest And Peter Gross Well, I live in New York City, so before I do anything I'm going to fight through the gangs of ravenous rats that have gathered up on my stoop

And then I'll probably just go eat at a half-filled restaurant Well, if any of that happens, we're going to ask you about it on ravenous rats that have gathered up on my stoop, and then I'll probably just go eat at a half-filled restaurant. Well, if any of that happens, we're going to ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Peter Gross, Nagin Farsad, and Adam Felber. And thanks to all of you for listening this week. I am Peter Sagal, and we'll be back with you next week. This is NPR.